Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 86
April 2, 2019
Top 10 Turning Points in Your Marriage
Our lives are really the sum total of small decisions, made on a daily basis. And that means that small decisions can be turning points in your marriage.
In April, we’re going to look at practical, nitty gritty things we can do to help our marriages improve and build our intimacy. I want to frame this conversation today by looking at how small decisions can actually shape our marriages, either for good or for bad.
Before we do that, though, let’s go back to first principles. What is it that we’re aiming for in marriage?
Can I suggest that it’s that feeling that you are fully known, and still fully accepted and loved? It’s real intimacy. It’s feeling as if you can share things with each other, and that you really know each other. It’s feeling that you’re a team.
Our daily decisions can either move us closer towards intimacy, or further away from intimacy. It’s our decisions in the smaller things that add up more significantly than any one big conflict that we’re having.
So let me give a list of 10 small things that can become turning points in our marriage. Of course there are others–I’m only suggesting these to get us all noticing the trend, and starting to ask the question: “Am I moving towards my spouse, or away from my spouse?” Let’s get to it!
1. Your spouse is heading for bed, but you’re in the middle of something.
Do you turn off the computer or video game, stop the homework, put down the book, and follow your spouse? Or do you keep doing what you’re doing?
Snuggling in bed at the end of the day is one of the best times to feel like you’re one. It’s a natural time to say a quick prayer before you go to sleep. It’s a natural time to chat about what may be going on tomorrow, or anything you’re thinking about. And, of course, it’s a natural time to make love (sex is far more likely to happen if you’re in bed at the same time, after all! And since most sex happens when it’s not particularly planned, then increasing the amount of time when it’s possible to happen really does help!).
One of the biggest differences between marriages today versus a generation ago is that couples no longer go to bed together. That works against intimacy.
2. Dinner’s ready. Where do you eat it?
Do you sit at a table, together, and talk about your day? Or do you turn on the TV and eat without talking?
Especially when you have children, eating together as a family is so important. That’s when you discover what’s going on in people’s lives. It’s a natural time to check in. And it’s one of the few regular times the family will all be together.
When you’re still childless, maybe you like to watch a show while eating, but you talk at other times, and that’s perhaps okay. But eating together is special, and it’s one of the few times that we naturally have to touch base when we’re not rushed, when we’re not stressed, and when we can just enjoy being together. If you don’t have a lot of those times throughout the day, don’t miss this one.
3. You have some exciting news! Whom do you tell?
When something good happens, who is the first person you want to tell? Is it a friend? Your mom? Or is it your spouse? Even if you may want to call your mom, make it a habit to always tell your spouse first. This communicates both to your spouse, but also to YOU, that your spouse is your first priority. And that does matter.
One other thing: Some of us may get good news and not feel the need to share it (introverts may want to ponder it first). Remember that it communicates volumes to your spouse to share almost immediately. That says, “I couldn’t truly enjoy this without you.” It’s a way of saying, “you matter.’
4. You’re upset at your spouse and you need to vent. Whom do you call?
Many years ago, I attended a wedding where the mother of the bride told me, “they won’t last long. He won’t be good to her.” And that statement became a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Their marriage was a joining of two immature people, but that didn’t mean that it was doomed. However, the wife was so enmeshed with her mom that every time she was mad about anything, she’d phone her mom for advice. Instead of working things out with her husband, she’d vent to her mom. And her mom would often inflame the situation.
I am very close to my girls. I talk to them daily–and in Rebecca’s case, who works for me, multiple times a day. In many ways they’re my best friends. And yet I know nothing about the state of their marriage other than what I can observe. They just don’t tell me about marriage problems. I remember once Katie mentioned something in passing that Connor and Becca had gone through years earlier, and I hadn’t known it (to Katie’s surprise). But they had worked it out without me, which is how it should be.
Everybody needs a good mentor couple and a good friend to talk to, whose judgment you respect. But if you’re in the habit of venting to everyone, and especially parents, it can take away from the need to actually work at something with your spouse, and it can break trust with your spouse.
5. You think, “It’s easier to just do this myself than to try to explain it.”
There’s a complex errand you have to run–pick up something for a birthday present, plus a card, plus some ingredients to make a housewarming present. Your husband is already going out. Do you tell him what you need, or do you just get it yourself?
Lots of times we have that fleeting thought–is this something he can do for me?–but then we realize how long it would take to explain. And so we just do it anyway.
It’s like what Rebecca and Connor were discussing on the podcast last week about the mental load of the household. It can become so heavy to carry everything, and when you do that for long enough, you can get very resentful. And yet, at the same time, sometimes we back ourselves into that role because we don’t share what needs to be done. If you find yourself consistently choosing to just do things rather than explain things, then you could be setting yourself up for a mountain of resentment in future years.
6. You make love, but your spouse touches you in a way that feels really awkward and not very pleasurable.
For many couples, this is the story of the honeymoon. But the women say little, because she’s not sure what it’s supposed to feel like, and she doesn’t want to make demands. It seems selfish. However, sex is supposed to feel good for you, too! The more you have sex without it feeling good for you, the more you solidify the idea in your own mind that “sex is for him, not me.” That’s going to make you feel used. It’s going to build resentment. And it’s going to rob you of what you were made to feel! But if you speak up immediately, in a kind way, it isn’t being critical. It’s just sharing information that he’d likely love to have. And then you can learn this together, and build intimacy. You don’t want to be in the position 10 years into marriage when you finally want to say something, but it would be like saying, “you’ve been doing it wrong the whole time!”
Need an easier way to have these conversations?
31 Days to Great Sex guides you through exercises so that you can talk about libido, frequency, intimacy, in a low-stress, easy way.
No blaming. Just solutions–and a whole lot of fun!
Let's try it!
7. It’s Sunday morning, and your spouse doesn’t really want to go to church.
Do you quietly just get up and go anyway, leaving it up to your spouse whether or not he or she comes along? Do you get the kids ready for church and go anyway?
I hope so. As soon as we start thinking of church as optional, it’s far less likely that we’ll go regularly. When we don’t go regularly, we won’t see people who we need to be our Christian community.
Now, if your church isn’t really a Christian community, then find a new church! But meeting together has to be a habit. And it’s all too easy to break that habit.
8. You realize at the end of the month that you’re going further into debt.
The first time you realize that your finances in trouble, what do you do? Do you ask to sit down and do a budget together, or do you decide that he’s taking care of the finances, and you don’t want to criticize? Or is it even that you’d prefer not to know, because it stresses you out?
Money is one of the biggest things couples fight about. But it’s also one of the biggest things that can grow intimacy, if you do it well. You can make a game plan together. You can have goals that you meet together. But you can’t do that if you don’t first talk about it and take it seriously.
9. You get a job offer, but it would interfere with your spouse’s career or education plans.
It’s a job you’d love to take! But what’s your first thought? Is it about how this job will help you (singular), or is it about how this job will affect you (plural)? We need to stop thinking about “me” when it comes to work and we need to start thinking about “us”. Ask, “in our situation, whose plans need to take precedence right now? Who is the least flexible? Whose job/education does it make the most sense for us to plan our lives around?” A marriage can’t survive well with two people aiming towards their own career goals with no thoughts of the other person. You need to think as a team, even if that means that you have to sacrifice.
10. Your spouse says or does something in passing that hurts you.
Maybe he (or she) was inconsiderate. Maybe your feelings were hurt, you felt disrespected, you felt taken for granted. Maybe you felt insulted, or that your spouse doesn’t really honour you or love you. What do you do?
In many ways, this is the most important turning point. When you are hurt, what do you do with that hurt? Do you keep it inside, or do you share it?
Most of us keep it inside, deciding that we just need to deal with it. This is a big mistake, for two reasons. First, chances are your spouse never meant to communicate “I don’t respect you”, “I don’t love you,” or “I take you for granted.” In most cases, it’s a misunderstanding of the significance of the exchange. He may not have bought you a birthday card because nobody did cards in his family (it’s a waste of money and it hurts the environment, they said!), while everyone in your family growing up did cards–and wrote paragraphs of how much they loved you each year (it’s a way of putting our feelings down in writing!). Talking about it allows us to hear their heart and believe the best.
But even beyond that, when we don’t share how we feel, then we grow apart, not together. When your husband doesn’t understand how his actions affect you, then he’ll likely keep doing things that are even more blatant to you that show his disregard–even though that’s not what he meant. And the resentment will grow.
On the other hand, if you speak up right away, before it’s a big deal, your husband will learn more about how you tick and can choose to do things differently. We’ll be looking at this a lot this month–about how smart couples sweat the small stuff.
There you go–10 turning points in marriage.
Like I said, these aren’t exhaustive. There are many other split second decisions that we make that either move us towards intimacy or move us away from intimacy. So form good habits, and stick to them. Prioritize each other. Spend natural time together. These are the sorts of things that impact your marriage far more than big decisions or big things. And they do matter.
What do you think? Which of those 10 is the hardest for you? Or did I miss a #11? Let me know in the comments!
Like this post so far? You should also check out:
One Thing Most Couples Get Wrong about Date Night
50 Conversation Starters for Couples
10 Ways to Signal Yes to Your Husband
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
April 1, 2019
What to Do When Mr. Clean Marries Mrs. Messy
What do you do when you have different standards for housework?
It’s Monday, the day that I usually try to tackle a reader question, and today I want to talk about what to do when you’re a little messy and he’s a neat freak.
But before I get to that, I’m excited about April! I’ve decided that this month I want to focus on small, practical things that we can do to feel closer in marriage. I want to get down to the nitty gritty and the practical, and I think it’s going to be a very HOPEFUL month! Honestly, most things in marriage can be solved if we tackle them early enough, before they get too huge. So that’s what we’re going to do over the month of April, but that’s also what we’re going to do today with this question.
I’ve actually talked about the messy/clean dynamic before, but I thought it was a good one to rerun because it’s such a basic problem so many people have, and we can learn some important marriage principles from it. So here was the question:
I have a really hard time cleaning, I hate it and my definition of clean is more like tidy. Even that, though, is a stretch for me. When I was living at home I used to fight so hard with my dad because my room was always a disaster and many times it trailed out with me. Even at work, I am messy as I go about my business but I clean everything up at the end of the day.
Once my husband and I were married, I would pick up after both of us. I was constantly picking up his dishes and socks. So many socks. Doing our laundry, cooking our dinners… Everything that I figured would make him think I could be a good house wife. But that’s not me. So when my husband would travel on business, I began living in my house the way I normally would. It never really got to the point that I thought was terrible but when my husband would come home on the weekends I would make a mad dash on Friday to clean the house because I knew he would freak out. With my limited time however, it never really got “his clean”.
Now we are having it out because he is home and gets to see that my daily routine doesn’t really include cleaning. He’s really upset by this and wants me to clean more, but I don’t feel like that’s me. And we can’t seem to come to a compromise. I think it’s my house, too, and I need to be allowed to set some of the standards. What should we do to get past our conflict over housework?
I asked the question of how this couple can solve this a while ago on Facebook, and lots of people left some really helpful comments. One theme that was repeated a few times was “hire a maid”, and this can be a good solution for some. Personally, I tried the maid route at one point and it never worked. Maids come to clean, not to tidy, and if you have stuff lying around, they can’t do their job. So before the maid arrived, I had to massively tidy. It was more work for me than not having a maid! And tidying takes way longer than cleaning. Cleaning is not the problem; it’s keeping things in their place, especially when you have kids. And I also wanted to make sure my kids grew up knowing how to clean. So a maid isn’t always the best plan.
But I think the reason that a maid can’t always solve the problem is that when we’re having conflict over housework, there’s actually something bigger going on, and it’s this:
Most conflicts in marriage aren’t about the issue itself. They’re about the question: do you really love me? Do you value my opinion? Do you care?
When Mr. Clean Marries Mrs. Messy: How do you find compromise? (Hint: The key is to realize that what you’re fighting about is NOT REALLY WHAT YOU’RE FIGHTING ABOUT):
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In a recent podcast, I discussed conflict in marriage, and the different forms it can take. Typical conflict resolution often doesn’t work because the problem is often not what we think it is (You can check out that podcast here). In this case, the husband wants to know, “do you care what I think about the house enough to leave your comfort zone“? And the wife also wants to know of the husband, “do you care what I like enough to leave YOUR comfort zone?” So it’s hardly surprising that they both dig in, because the issue is not how tidy the house is. The issue is, “do you care about me enough to change?”
That’s what a marriage is all about: it’s a give and take, and adjusting to one another, and finding a new way of living that works for both of you. But when we’re first married we’re often really insecure about that. We want to know that we matter. And the thought of having to change or do things “his way” is very threatening because it feels like he doesn’t love me for who I am. And this is just “who I am”.
Here’s the thing, though: when you married, you promised that you would now be “one flesh”. That doesn’t mean that you cease to exist, but it does mean that what he wants needs to be important to you now, too. And we are called to consider others interests ahead of our own (Philippians 2:4).
So if your husband isn’t happy with the home, that should matter to you, because HE should matter to you.
I actually wrote in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex about a very similar situation that my husband and I faced. I said:
When my children were six and four, I was very active with them. We ventured out to the library twice a week, to playgroup once a week, to women’s Bible study, to friends’ homes. We had other children in our home. We made crafts. We baked. Our home was fun, but it was also always a complete mess.
One day Keith sat me down and told me he was sick of coming home to a disaster in the living room. He could handle the basement being a mess; he could even handle their rooms or the bathroom being a mess. But he just wanted to open the door and see an inviting house.
I did not take that very well. I think the words “maid” and “Neanderthal” escaped my lips. But looking back, I can see how I was telling him, “I know what’s best for the kids; I’m home all day; so you need to bow to what I say.” My husband was not the kind who would retreat, for which I am eternally grateful. But I can see why many in his situation would. He was being told that his opinion didn’t count for anything, and that while he wanted a place in this world that reflected him, I was more interested in what I envisioned for the family.
Ladies, if you have already walked down the aisle, remember: he is your husband. His opinion about how the household functions matters, even if you’re the one who primarily cares for it. If something is important to him, it should matter to you. Some men retreat simply because they get the impression that they aren’t wanted, and so they try to carve out a place in the world where they can escape. Before blaming him for running away emotionally, ask yourself if you have done anything to push him out. And if you have, maybe it’s time to ask his opinion and start honoring it again.
If you’re always in fighting with your husband about housework, take a deep breath and think of this in its wider context. Should your husband’s opinion matter? Do you want him to feel like this is his home, too, or do you want him to retreat elsewhere?
If you married him, you made a promise that he mattered. So do something about it!
I’m not a naturally neat person, but I’ve learned how to put little habits into my day that make things work more smoothly. After my shower I make the bed and throw a load of laundry on. I keep the piles of papers on one place in the dining room, and clean off the kitchen counters, living room surfaces, and dining room table. When the girls were younger, every evening before dinner we would do a 15-minute tidy up (it’s amazing how much you can get done in 15 minutes). Honestly, if you just stick to little things throughout the day, the house will not get impossible.
Here’s another idea: Come up with your list of “my big 5 things”.
Each of you decide what 5 things will help you each feel like it’s home–the 5 areas he most wants tidy, and the 5 things you most need to be able to do.
Ask your husband which areas he really, really wants tidy. Maybe the front hall matters to him because it’s the first thing he sees. Maybe he just wants to see a tidy kitchen, or a living room without toys in it. Uncover what’s the most important, and then make sure to honor that. It doesn’t need to be onerous. And it’s just showing him that you value him, that you want him to feel at home when he is at home, and that you’re willing to go out of your way to make sure that he does.
That’s a good message to send to your husband. It keeps you on the same page!
And you can share your own top 5 ideas, too. (here’s a post on how the top 5 idea can help you resolve conflict!) That’s a method that I shared in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, and it does help each of you honor each other.
Are you PeaceKEEPING or PeaceMAKING?
There’s a huge difference between the two. And if you don’t get it right–you’ll never be able to feel truly intimate in your marriage.
There’s a better way!
Take me to it!
With conflict over housework, as with most conflicts, remember that the reason for the conflict is usually not the thing we’re fighting about; it’s the search for the answer to that central question, “do you really love and value me”?
If we can see that this is really the issue, perhaps we’d have an easier time compromising and reaching out.
Now, what advice do you have for us today? Leave a comment and tell us how you’ve resolved difficult things!
Like this post? You may also enjoy:
How Thoughts Can Change a Marriage
10 Christian Pat Answers that Don’t Always Work
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Sheila's Best Posts
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
Does Your Sex Life Need a Pick-Me-Up?
Maybe it's gotten stale. Maybe it's never felt that great. Or maybe you just feel like you're missing something!March 29, 2019
Sharing the Emotional Load of Housework
And a lot of your comments were around the same topic: the emotional (or mental) load of housework.
It’s Rebecca (Sheila’s daughter) chiming in today!
We’ve had some health issues this week (nothing serious, we’ll be back on our feet for next week) so Sheila (my mom) backed out of the podcast this week and my husband Connor and I recorded a mini-podcast where we discussed how we managed to shift the emotional load of housework off of my shoulders so that we both began to carry it. Think of it like an extended “millennial marriage” segment!
Check it out:
For those of you who don’t have time to listen, (it’s less than 20 minutes this week!) here is a summary:
1. We both realized that Connor was just as capable as I was when it came to cleaning.
We used to have a chores list that broke down room by room what needed to get done. So instead of “clean the bathroom,” it was a list of the 17 tasks that go into cleaning the bathroom. I didn’t need the list, but Connor sometimes forgot things if they weren’t specifically asked. So we tried out the list.
Eventually it got really really frustrating to have to remind him of little things because I realized: Connor is just as capable as I am. I just had more training.
I may have started off with more knowledge, but there was nothing inherently superior about me that made me better suited for housework. He just had to be trained, like I was trained! So after using the list for a bit, I started just having to ask “Can you clean the bathroom” and he knew exactly what to do.
2. We had to change our mindset to understand that housework was something we did for US
Before, when Connor did the dishes or swept he felt like he was doing me a favour. I felt guilty asking him to do too much, and I felt guilty when I got mad at him for not seeing things that I saw.
We eventually realized that housework wasn’t just one spouse’s responsibility–when I asked him to do the dishes, it wasn’t for me. It was for our family. The dishes simply have to get done, whether he was married or single. So there was no reason for it to be “MY” job simply because I was the wife.
This single shift made the biggest difference–and it was a mindset shift both of us had to have.
3. I stopped hovering and gave Connor more autonomy around the house.
I used to literally hover over Connor’s shoulder and watch him as he did dishes. Literally breathing down his neck. It’s pretty hard to take ownership of the job you’re doing if you aren’t given any independence.
Since I knew that Connor was just as capable as I was and he also agreed that cleaning was a family issue, not a Rebecca issue, I had to learn to trust him and give him space in this area. So when we have a friend coming over, I can just say, “Time to clean up” and he says, “Which rooms do you want?” not, “What do you want me to do?” because he’s also taking ownership of wanting to have a clean home to invite his friends into.
Then, when he’s done cleaning, I don’t inspect it. Because I’m not his manager–we’re partners. And I can trust my partner, because if it’s not up to good standards he’s the one who did it wrong, not me for not managing him better.
These simple mindset shifts have helped not only take some of the stress off of my shoulders, but also have given Connor a chance to show me how much he loves me. I’m an acts of service kind of person, so coming home to the dishes being done is a huge deal. But it wasn’t until we figured out these three things together that it all “clicked.”
So that’s what we did! What about you? What did you do? Let us know in the comments!
And do listen in to the podcast–it’s a bit of a different one this week since it’s just Connor and Rebecca and not Sheila, but it’s a fun one. And it’s short!
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Rebecca Gregoire Lindenbach is a 23-year-old Canadian blogger/author and the daughter of Sheila Wray Gregoire. Married since 2015, she is passionate about helping others challenge the status quo and live for more, whether in their relationships, their educational or occupational goals, or their walks with God. And yes, like her mother, she also knits.Find Rebecca Here:Rebecca's Website
Other posts by Rebecca on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
Retraining Your Brain to Fantasize about HIM--And No One Else!
Should it be a Struggle to Not Have Sex Before You’re Married?
10 of the Best Decisions You Can Make in Your First Year of Marriage
How To Not Be a Legalistic Parent
Why I Didn't Rebel (my most viral post ever)
Read the rest of Rebecca's posts on TLHV here!
Check out Rebecca's book and course:Why I Didn't Rebel. Ever wondered why some kids rebel and some don't? Or do you believe rebellion is inevitable? Rebecca interviewed 25 young adults and dove into psychology research to find out: what makes some kids rebel, and some stay on the straight-and-narrow?
The Whole Story: Not-So-Scary Talks about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up. Scared to talk to your daughter about puberty? Rebecca and her sister Katie want to do the hard part for you. This course is designed to start conversations to bring you closer together and strengthen your mother-daughter bond while giving your daughter all the information she needs as she becomes a woman.
Teenage rebellion doesn't need to be a part of your family's story. You can help your kids live for more! Get the first chapter of Why I Didn't Rebel for free here!
March 28, 2019
On Rachael Denhollander, Biblical Counselling, and Healing
Do we understand what a safe counselling situation looks like?
Last week I wrote a post on 10 questions you should ask your biblical counsellor before counselling. It was a controversial one to write, and I said pretty much all I wanted to say. But this week two things happened. I’ve had a ton of people contact me about that post, including biblical counsellors; and then Rachael Denhollander spoke at a conference echoing my themes. So I thought I could clarify a little bit.
Note: I was supposed to get a podcast out today, but my team has suffered from health issues this week, so we’re a day behind. Look for the podcast tomorrow!
“Biblical counsellors” are not the only Christian counsellors
Biblical counselling is a particular type of counselling, one where they believe the Bible is all-sufficient for counseling, and where they are not licensed by any government or professional entity. They are not, however, the only counsellors who follow Jesus.
Christian, licensed therapists also believe the Bible. Many studied at seminaries and were taught what the Bible teaches about bitterness, and anger, and forgiveness, and hurt, and healing. They were taught about the role of the Holy Spirit in our lives. But they were also trained more in-depth about treating trauma, anxiety, and depression using evidence-based therapies.
Safe counselors recognize that complex psychological issues such as trauma require specialized training
Licensed counselors and psychologists go through years of such training, much of it supervised. Psychologists take different training courses for treating different psychological illnesses with treatments backed up by evidence-based research. If you are seeking help for a mental health issue outside of your counselor’s training, they will often refer you to a colleague who is better equipped. A general practitioner wouldn’t operate on your brain tumour, but would refer you to a neurosurgeon or an oncologist. Similarly, a safe counselor will refer when it’s beyond their expertise. And this goes both ways! My uncle, who was a Christian psychiatrist, would occasionally refer Christian patients (with their consent) with particularly entrenched spiritual issues to pastors.
Last weekend, Rachael Denhollander, the brave woman who led the charge against Larry Nassar, the doctor who sexually abused hundreds of girls, spoke at the Valued Conference. Rachael has become an advocate for sexual abuse survivors, and become very outspoken about sexual abuse in the church. This is part of what she said about acknowledging our limitations in counseling:
“Pastoral care, church care is vitally important. But you cannot do everything. You are not trained to do everything. You need to know what to look for in order to walk a couple through this trauma. …
Please know your limitations. Realize how deep the damage is, and how much specialty is required in helping heal that injury. Just like if you have a parishioner who was in a car accident with a spinal cord injury, you would not try to be their pastor and physiotherapist…In the same way, please don’t try to take on the role of both pastor and …trauma specialist. Your role is vital but it’s not all-encompassing.”
She was then asked a follow-up question: “How would you go about finding a good counsellor?”
She responded with this:
“I think you need someone who is licensed—a licensed therapist or a licensed psychologist…You may need both a counsellor and a psychologist. You may need both if someone has experienced a lot of trauma.”
She went on to talk about the benefits of finding a counsellor who is also a Christian:
“The gospel is our ultimate hope; to be able to find a counsellor who understands trauma but also understands where the ultimate hope is found can be very helpful. That being said, there are a lot of secular methodologies that are in line with Scriptural principles.”
Why was she so adamant about licensed therapists? For deep hurts, you need training in treatments that have been shown to work. Most psychologists and licensed counselors use the same protocols for dealing with certain mental illnesses because those treatments have been successful. Happily, those methods are not in conflict with God’s word. In fact, many of them revolve around biblical principles like freeing yourself of lies (John 14:6) and taking every thought captive (2 Corinthians 10:5).
One of the problems with biblical counsellors, though, is that many don’t understand that they aren’t qualified to counsel in all types of cases, because they don’t tend to be trained in evidence-based treatments.
That’s what Rachael’s questioner was getting at. She followed up, asking about a sexual abuse survivor who had been so hurt by Christian counsellors. Rachael responded:
“I know many, many people who have been through biblical counselling methodologies. I have yet to find one who has walked away less damaged than when they walked in. And that’s very painful to say.”
The Bible is a great source of wisdom and a gift from God that should show us how to live. But it is not the same thing as a doctor’s prescription pad or specialized training in trauma–and it doesn’t try to be. You can believe in the all-sufficiency of the Bible without believing that it is the only tool we should use in life. Just because you seek trained professionals in your area of need does not mean you have less faith.
Safe counselors acknowledge this need for extra training, and will immediately refer any client who is dealing with complex psychological issues.
A safe counseling situation will protect the client’s confidentiality
Psychologists and licensed counselors have a clear ethical code they must follow. If they do not, they can be sued and lose their license to practice. One of the fundamental rights of a client is confidentiality. Licensed counselors and psychologists can only break confidentiality if harm is involved or if there is a reportable crime. Unfortunately, biblical counselors make other exceptions for breaking confidentiality, as I talked about last week.
Not holding the counselor to ethical standards of confidentiality distorts the counselor/client relationship
A teacher of biblical counseling, in a Twitter conversation, asked me to defend confidentiality biblically. He did not believe that confidentiality was necessarily a biblical concept, since it must be broken if a person was in persistent sin. The problem here, as I tried to outline in my post last week, is twofold.
First, who gets to define persistent sin?
If you go to a church that feels that divorce for any reason, other than adultery, is a sin, then if a wife decides to initiate a divorce against her abusive husband, is she in “persistent sin”? Will she be put under church discipline? (The answer, all too often, is yes.)
But then there’s a more fundamental problem that I didn’t mention last week: When we do away with confidentiality, we create a power imbalance.
Confidentiality in a counselling situation means that there can be trust between the client and the counselor. The client can be vulnerable, something which is very, very difficult for many trauma or abuse survivors, because they know their information is safe with the counselor. It’s that vulnerability, too, which is often necessary for healing to occur.
If, on the other hand, confidentiality can be broken for a number of reasons, there can no longer be trust. You’ve replaced trust with a power imbalance. The counselor has the power to destroy your most intimate relationships. They can talk about your issues with church leadership. They can bring church discipline down on you. They can take your spouse’s side, or your abuser’s side, and you have no recourse, because you have signed a biblical counselling consent form saying that if the counsellor does something you disagree with, the church leadership will mediate. You are powerless.
In the church, when there are power imbalances, bad things have happened. Just Google Harvest Bible Chapel, Mars Hill, Bill Hybels, the Catholic sexual abuse scandal, the Southern Baptist sexual abuse scandal, and see what I mean. Recently, at Harvest Bible Chapel, former Executive Leadership Team member Dean Butters, in a letter to the elders’ board encouraging them to fire James MacDonald (which they did), reported:
“James collects information from Soul Care [Harvest’s biblical counseling ministry], small groups, and conversations with other pastors to use against people.”
Dean Butters is saying that former megachurch Pastor James MacDonald used the biblical counseling program to manipulate people. That’s heinous. Licensed therapists, if they shared information with the pastor in this way, would lose their credentials.
Safe biblical counselors will understand the importance of holding themselves to the same ethical standards as other mental health professionals.
My prayer is that biblical counsellors will rediscover the imperative of confidentiality, and will recognize that there are some things that they are not “competent to counsel”
If those two things happened, I think biblical counseling would be much improved and much safer. And I am heartened that some Biblical counselling schools are beginning to acknowledge the biological sides of many mental illnesses. I still think licensing is crucial, because it’s the only way to enforce ethical standards, but these two changes would at least be a good start.
I love the Bible. I believe the Bible. I live by the Bible. But the Bible does not speak in-depth to all the different ways that trauma, anxiety or depression can manifest themselves, and all the different ways they should be treated.
If you are a biblical counsellor who agrees that what I wrote is important, please speak up. Defend confidentiality. Refer out to experts, doctors, and psychologists when necessary. And please, lobby for your colleagues to practice the same ethical, moral code as other mental health and medical professionals. It’s awful when the secular world does this better than some elements of the Christian world. As Rachael intimated, she would prefer a secular, trained therapist or psychologist than a biblical counsellor to help with sexual abuse trauma. When someone of her stature says that, the response should be to ask, “what are we doing wrong?”
The Christian world simply must get this right. God isn’t just concerned with our salvation; He wants our healing and growth, and Christian counseling is a huge, huge part of that. So let’s do it properly, and let’s do it safely, because the church needs awesome counselors.
What do you think? Why is stating that sometimes we need expert help considered so controversial? Do you think confidentiality in counseling is important? Let’s talk in the comments!
Like this post? You may also appreciate:
How Churches Should Handle Sexual Abuse Allegations
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Find Sheila Here:
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Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
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March 27, 2019
How to Be a Generous Lover: Husband’s Edition
How can a man be a generous lover?
Last week we talked about what it took for a wife to be a generous lover. And all month we’ve been looking at what it means for sex to be a mutual experience–where it’s meant to be good for both of you, where both of you are the focus, and where both of you are giving and receiving.
Today is the big culmination to that, and I want to speak directly to men. If you want to make this a reality in your life, I highly recommend working through 31 Days to Great Sex, which helps BOTH of your needs be met in the bedroom, and which prioritizes both of you. But for just a taste, here we go:
In the Bible, sex is always portrayed as being mutual
And when it’s not, it’s because it’s an assault. When we talk about sex though, we tend to talk about it as something that men need and that women should give. That is NOT how the Bible talks about sex at all. On the contrary, whenever the Bible talks about sex in marriage, it talks about it as a mutual thing. In the famous “do not deprive” verses, the woman’s sexual needs are even mentioned first!
1 Corinthians 7:3-5
The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
In Song of Solomon, the book about the Bible that revolves around the sexual relationship of a couple, BOTH of them are portrayed as being excited for sex and enjoying it.
Most women, on the other hand, grow up in church hearing these messages:
Men need sex terribly, very frequently
God made sex only to be in marriage, so wives need to fulfill their husband’s needs
Men are visually stimulated, and if women don’t give sex, they will lust at other women
The cumulative effect of these messages kills a woman’s sex drive. First, she never hears that she even has a sex drive; she’s only told about her husband’s. Then, she’s told that her husband is really only interested in her so that he can reach orgasm. If he doesn’t get that with her, he’ll look for it elsewhere. Sex, then, has little to do with love, and only with need. Women are made to feel like objects, even in popular marriage books.
Other Posts in our Every Man’s Battle Series on Lust:
Why Every Man’s Battle Backfires
How Love & Respect Gets Sex Horribly Wrong
A generous lover knows that this message is wrong, and works towards showing his wife that he believes that sex is for both of them, but also:
A generous lover knows that sex was meant for intimacy
The Bible also talks about sex as a deep “knowing”. It is not just about physical release. In Genesis 4:1, the Bible says “Adam KNEW his wife Eve…” That word “to know” is the same verb that is used in the Psalms, when David says “search me and KNOW me, O God.” God uses that word to tell us that sex is not only physical, but is a deep knowing at every level.
We can also see from our physical bodies that sex was meant to be intimate. The height of intimacy, after all, is vulnerability. So let’s talk a bit about a woman’s climax. In order for her to reach orgasm, she has to let go of control. In order to let go of control, she has to be in a safe place of trust. She has to know that you are safe. Then, she has to stop all the millions of stray thoughts that are in her head and train herself just to BE–just to experience this feeling that she only has during sex. That’s a highly vulnerable state, and that makes sex highly intimate. While men can reach orgasm far more on just physical stimulation, women need that emotional safety as well, to a much greater degree.
Not just that, but the way that God created her body shows that He meant for sex to be intimate. He placed the clitoris, the part of her body that gives her pleasure, in front of the vagina, so that it receives stimulation usually when you are in the face-to-face position, unlike other animals. God was distinguishing the way that we make love from that of other animals. It is about the relationship, not only about the sex drive.
A good lover knows that women were designed for foreplay
If sex is supposed to be about both of you, then, a generous lover will take time to learn what feels good for his wife, and will understand that her body is different. Because men get maximum stimulation from intercourse, they may assume that she should as well. Sometimes the attitude given, then, is that she should “catch up” to him and figure out how to make intercourse feel amazingly wonderful, because that’s what it’s supposed to.
Actually, though, a woman’s body does not work like a man’s. She receives maximum stimulation not through intercourse but through direct clitoral stimulation (either orally or manually)–and that’s not a mistake. That’s how God designed women, so that men would have to take time to pleasure their wives in a way that doesn’t necessarily lead to direct stimulation for men. God designed women’s bodies to make men giving!
That doesn’t mean that you can’t learn to give her an orgasm through intercourse (and there are lots of tips in 31 Days to Great Sex!), but remember that most women requite a lot of foreplay first if they have a hope of having an orgasm during intercourse.
Foreplay is not an “extra”, or the ticket to the main event. For many women, foreplay IS the main event–and that’s how God made it.
A generous lover is dedicated to helping his wife learn to orgasm
Men largely reach orgasm by themselves–they thrust during intercourse, and the orgasm happens. Sometimes there can be a disconnect, then, because it can be assumed that women also should be able to do this. Women should be able to reach orgasm themselves while they’re moving or doing something during intercourse.
However, women, in general, can’t. A generous lover realizes that not only is he responsible for his own orgasm; he’s responsible for hers, too.
He doesn’t just wonder afterwards, “so, was it good for you?” He pays attention to her body’s cues and he makes sure that she receives pleasure.
And what if she has trouble reaching orgasm? He is patient. He understands that the more anxious she gets about it, the less likely it is to happen. He understands that when he sighs or seems like he’s rushing it, she starts to feel embarrassed, and then she’ll never reach orgasm. He understands that she needs to be reassured that he doesn’t mind how long it takes, that they are going to figure this out together, because he desperately, really wants to give this to her.
Your wife will only reach orgasm if she is not pressured to. As long as you make her feel like she’s inferior in some way, or there’s something wrong with her, she won’t be able to climax. A generous lover, then, makes her feel like she’s the centre of attention, and he wouldn’t have it any other way.
Need more help? Try these!
When You’ve Never Had an Orgasm: How to Experience the Breakthrough
Finally Reaching Orgasm–-a Breakthrough
A generous lover makes sure she reaches climax as much as possible
Once you have learned together how to help her reach climax, a generous lover ensures that sexual encounters tend to involve both of you reaching orgasm. If he climaxes during intercourse before she does, then he does other things afterwards to help bring her the same pleasure. He does not leave her hanging.
Do you yearn to have a more meaningful–and fun–sex life?
Check out my 31 Day challenge that you do with your spouse. Super easy–just read a few pages a night and do what it says. Learn to talk more, flirt more, be more affectionate, spice things up, deal with baggage, and so much more!
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Let's try it!
A generous lover does not focus on what he can get in bed, but what he can give
I did a big survey on both Twitter and Facebook a while ago where I asked, “in Christian circles, which message have you heard more? Do not deprive your husband, or women’s sexual pleasure matters?” The results were 95%-5%, on both platforms.
Overwhelmingly, what women have been taught is that husbands need sex and we are to give it no matter what. That message is largely responsible for killing her sexuality. It makes her feel used, and it makes her feel like she doesn’t matter.
A generous lover will work to make sure that the other half of the equation–“women’s sexual pleasure matters“–is his focus. He will work at making it feel good for his wife. He will think of how he can be giving in bed, not just on what he is “owed”. If she doesn’t regularly reach orgasm, he will make sure that she is at least aroused. He will also ensure that their sexual time together is relaxing for her, and not just for him, through giving her a backrub, having a bath with her, or whatever else helps her to feel relaxed and close to him, and gives similar benefits to orgasm.
A generous lover is not interested in “taking” from his wife
A generous lover would never “take” from his wife. If she is experiencing physical discomfort from illness, nausea, injury, or even sexual pain (like vaginismus), he will not insist on getting his own pleasure through her pain. He will instead try to find ways that they can feel close without causing her pain (perhaps through mutual masturbation or oral sex). Again, his focus will also be on how to make her feel good.
A generous lover makes sure that his wife knows she is loved and cherished
A generous lover makes his wife feel loved, cherished, and the sole object of his affection. He does not watch porn, and if he battles that temptation, he is committed to defeating it. He does not justify looking at other women in any way. He tells his wife how much he loves and cherishes her. During their lovemaking sessions, he speaks this out loud to her, to tell her that he wants to truly “know” her in the biblical sense, and not just reach climax.
A generous lover pursues his wife.
Finally, a generous lover initiates sex. Some of you may have a lower sex drive than your wife. A generous lover knows that his wife still needs to feel desired, and so he will go out of his way to initiate sex and start a romantic encounter, even if he doesn’t feel the “need” for it. He will throw himself into it and woo her, because he values her and he values the relationship and closeness.
A generous lover will do these things–and these things should be natural for any man who is a Christian.
Unfortunately, the church’s teachings on sex have gotten so messed up that we have not taught men to be generous lovers. We’ve taught them very little about how women work, and we’ve taught them that they need sex. This combination has been toxic to so many marriages. So let’s start giving this message instead.
Jesus focused on teaching us to be servants and to be giving towards one another. That attitude should follow us all into the bedroom–men or women. If we truly understand that sex was a mutual, intimate joining, where both gave and where both received, I think we’d have a lot more happy couples!
I also recognize that many of my male readers at To Love, Honor, and Vacuum are generous lovers but their wives just aren’t engaged.
They want desperately to make sex feel good for her, they try everything, and she just responds with, “Let’s just get it over with.” And that cuts them to the core.
If that’s your situation, and you can honestly answer yes to all of these traits of a generous lover, I recommend yesterday’s post for you (read it here). It tackles a problem in many marriages that often leads to the wife not even wanting to want sex because she’s in crisis management mode all the time. I hope it helps!
What do you think? Is there something I should add to the list? What one is the most difficult? Let’s talk in the comments!
Previous Posts on how Sex Should Be Mutual:
Does “Do Not Deprive” Apply to Wives More than Husbands?
10 Times It’s Okay to Say No to Sex
We Need a New Definition of Sex (that’s mutual!)
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Find Sheila Here:
Facebook
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Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
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March 26, 2019
How to Bring Playfulness Back to Your Marriage
You start dating, and it’s magic.
You put on music and do the silliest dance you can and she just thinks you’re the funniest guy in the whole world. She laces her fingers with yours and it sends butterflies straight to your stomach. You spend all your time together you can, just laughing and teasing and flirting and having fun.
So why is it that a few years into marriage that often seems to go away?
It’s Rebecca on the blog today, and I want to talk to the guys here on the blog. We know we get a lot of male readers, and since 95% of our posts are for women, we thought we’d start writing some for you, too! So consider this one a men’s corner (and tomorrow will be as well, as we conclude our series on what it takes to be a good lover).
Today, though, I want to talk about how to bring that playfulness back to your marriage.
We hear this concern a lot from men–you try to be sweet, you try to flirt, you try to tease her like you did when you were dating but instead of it being endearing, she brushes you off or gets annoyed and snaps.
What changed? And how can you get that back?
Let’s start with what changes between when you’re dating and after you’ve been married for a few years.
When dating, most couples live with wiggle room.
Another word for this is “margins.” Most people, during the dating stage, haven’t bought their first house yet and so aren’t dealing with mortgage payments. They don’t have kids, so they have a lot of extra time. And because you’re in a new relationship, you start to say no to other commitments because dating this new person is so exciting nothing else seems to matter much anymore.
But then that couple gets married and almost overnight they squeeze out all of their wiggle room.
It happens again and again–the first thing that many couples do is buy a house that is exactly at the level they can afford. Which means they can never make the choice to take a lower paying job again, and you will always have to be a two income family unless one spouse gets a major pay raise. Then, because you’re a newly married couple, many churches will ask you to volunteer at 5 times the rate that you were expected to before. Finally, you’ve moved into this big house and so the housework is so much more intense but you seem to have less time than you did before because now your life involves two people, not just one.
Then you have kids and what was already a busy life where money was tight gets even more stressful. You love your kids so much, but you’re just tired of shuttling them to and from school and friends’ houses and activities. Plus, they’re expensive. And so that dream you had of having one spouse go to part-time work so you could spend more time as a family is replaced by the reality that one of you has to do a lot of overtime and pick up weekends shifts (if not a whole other part-time job) because you’ve still got that huge mortgage plus your kids’ educational savings plus all the costs of their activities and just feeding more people.
Soon it can begin to seem like your entire life is about putting out fires, not about enjoying the stage you’re in.
That disillusionment we get about our lives where we love our families but we’re just not happy often occurs because we’ve created for ourselves more needs than we can meet.
We all have needs. Psychologically speaking, those needs are organized in a hierarchy of the most important needs to the least important for survival needs. Things like food and water and good health are most important, while things like having fun and goofing off are least important–the non-vital needs.
If you’ve set up your life so that you’re only barely meeting all of your important needs, you won’t have the psychological energy for the non-vital needs. Many couples are living just at their means or slightly beyond, and it means a lot of stress and a lot of numbers-crunching. Then on top of that, you’re driving kids to activities 5 nights a week and the other two days are either church or the rare time you get to do groceries or go to the dentist.
If you want to foster a marriage where playfulness and joy come naturally, you need to consider where you can create some margins.
You need margins. In fact, God commands us to have margins. That’s what the Sabbath is–a day of rest. If your Sundays are not restful due to volunteering or sports or the like, then you need to find a way to Sabbath outside of Sunday morning. It’s actually one of the clearest commands in the Bible and the one that we so rarely follow or talk about in church.
This concept of the Sabbath rest can be used in all areas of your life–it’s a concept of moderation. If we practice moderation, we have the freedom to listen and answer God’s callings in our lives. Moderation with money means we can be more generous. Moderation with our time means we’re available to help others when they need us. Margins are important.
For Connor and me, creating margins has meant renting instead of buying a house right now so that we can save and not stress about money. It means only being out of the house 3 nights a week. It means prioritizing having friends over twice a month minimum (not all margins are about what NOT to do!). And it means having a cleaning schedule so that our house isn’t so dirty that it hangs over us like a dark storm cloud.
Connor and I being silly on one of our vacations.
Creating margins made the stress level in our marriage plummet.
Suddenly our relationship wasn’t always tense anymore because we just weren’t as on edge! We still had stressful days, but our life as a whole was no longer stressful. Our money was taken care of, our home looked nice, and we spent the majority of weeknights at home with nothing on the agenda.
And I became infinitely more playful and fun than I was before we had this figured out. Getting rid of the stress whenever possible by living well within our means and cutting down on non-essential commitments has allowed us to be spontaneous, because we have room to breathe. So when Connor is silly and goofy it’s endearing, not annoying, since I’m relaxed and feel safe and secure. And it allows me to feel relaxed enough to be silly and goofy, too.
Margins allow for the spontaneity that you need for playfulness. You can’t schedule playfulness. It just happens. When you have down time and you aren’t unnecessarily stressed about money or time or housework because you can figure out a system, it makes it a lot easier to just kick back and relax or even flirt and end up back in the bedroom! You can’t do that if both parents are out every night driving kids to different practices.
This concept of margins isn’t just about your schedule or money–it also applies to what needs to get done around the house.
A lot of husbands write in saying that they want to just have fun again but their wife is always annoyed when they start to flirt or tease or tickle her.
And when I read that, I often wonder, “But what is she doing when you try that?”
I’ve seen it a lot where a woman will be doing dishes or making dinner or folding laundry and that is the moment her husband decides to be cute and tell her jokes to make her laugh. And she’s thinking, “I’m busy folding the laundry that you got dirty and I had to clean so that you have something clean to wear to work tomorrow despite the fact that you are more than capable of doing your own laundry and now instead of helping me fold it you’re telling me jokes? No thank you.”
In a lot of marriages, the husband can have great margins when it comes to his after-work time because he only does 25% of the housework. But that leaves his wife with much thinner margins. So pitch in–as a general rule of thumb, if one person is working, both should be working.
Many women find it very difficult to get in a playful mood when they feel that everything is resting on her shoulders and she isn’t being appreciated for it. If you want your wife to be more relaxed, maybe you could take on some of the load yourself to take some of the weight off her shoulders. And in general, pitching in and sharing the chores can go a long way in helping her get in a better mood simply because she’ll feel appreciated!
Adding playfulness back into your marriage is more about removing barriers to joy than it is adding forced laughter.
Create a lifestyle that allows for the breathing room you need for the spontaneity for the flirtatious playfulness you had when you were dating. Because although it may mean that your life looks weird compared to other couples you know, it’s never a bad idea to reduce the stress in your life. Especially when the stress is getting in the way of having a joyful, playful marriage.
What areas in which have you found creating margins to be beneficial? Are there some areas you’re working on making wiggle room? Let’s talk in the comments!
Like this post so far? You should also check out:
One Thing Most Couples Get Wrong about Date Night
50 Conversation Starters for Couples
10 Ways to Signal Yes to Your Husband
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Rebecca Gregoire Lindenbach is a 23-year-old Canadian blogger/author and the daughter of Sheila Wray Gregoire. Married since 2015, she is passionate about helping others challenge the status quo and live for more, whether in their relationships, their educational or occupational goals, or their walks with God. And yes, like her mother, she also knits.Find Rebecca Here:Rebecca's Website
Other posts by Rebecca on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
Retraining Your Brain to Fantasize about HIM--And No One Else!
Should it be a Struggle to Not Have Sex Before You’re Married?
10 of the Best Decisions You Can Make in Your First Year of Marriage
How To Not Be a Legalistic Parent
Why I Didn't Rebel (my most viral post ever)
Read the rest of Rebecca's posts on TLHV here!
Check out Rebecca's book and course:Why I Didn't Rebel. Ever wondered why some kids rebel and some don't? Or do you believe rebellion is inevitable? Rebecca interviewed 25 young adults and dove into psychology research to find out: what makes some kids rebel, and some stay on the straight-and-narrow?
The Whole Story: Not-So-Scary Talks about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up. Scared to talk to your daughter about puberty? Rebecca and her sister Katie want to do the hard part for you. This course is designed to start conversations to bring you closer together and strengthen your mother-daughter bond while giving your daughter all the information she needs as she becomes a woman.
Teenage rebellion doesn't need to be a part of your family's story. You can help your kids live for more! Get the first chapter of Why I Didn't Rebel for free here!
March 25, 2019
My 40% Modesty Rule: A Better Way to Look at How to Dress
What does it mean to be modest? What are proper modesty rules?
I’ve been talking all month about how the message that “men lust all the time so women have to have sex to stop men from lusting” is so dangerous and unbiblical. Yet in far too many Christian marriage books (like Love & Respect or Every Man’s Battle) that’s the message that’s being given. It’s a fear-based message for women, and it needs to stop. And it’s an unbiblical way of looking at men’s sex drives as well.
Every Man’s Battle/Love and Respect
How Love & Respect Gets Sex Horribly Wrong
Men Are Visual: Does That Mean All Men Lust?
A corollary to this idea that all men lust is that women should dress modestly to stop men from lusting. I’ve written before about how the Don’t Be a Stumbling Block modesty argument is actually unbiblical, too (and I encourage you to read that post! It’s important).
Perhaps because that’s so prevalent, I get a lot of reader questions from moms asking how they can teach their daughters to dress modestly (I very rarely get anything relating to sons in this vein). And so today I thought I’d tackle it in a new way.
Yes, what we wear IS important. But we have to make sure we’re tackling it with a non-feared based message, because so often that’s what we get.
Let’s take a look at what the Bible actually does say about modesty (because I think we’ve gotten it wrong).
Here’s the passage that is usually quoted:
1 Timothy 2:9-10
I also want the women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, adorning themselves, not with elaborate hairstyles or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God.
Okay, so women are to dress modestly. This leads, however, to two clarifying questions:
Why are women to dress modestly?
And what does modesty look like?
Let’s deal with the first one first.
Why does Paul want women to dress modestly?
It flows out of his purpose for writing his first letter to Timothy. The main purpose of that letter was this:
As I urged you when I went into Macedonia, stay there in Ephesus so that you may command certain people not to teach false doctrines any longer (1 Timothy 1:3)
Paul wanted Timothy to fight against false teaching. His letter is really about how to set up a church that honours God and doesn’t spread false teaching or come into disrepute, but instead spreads the gospel. Hence all the references to being an apostle–he wants others to hear the good news. So the concern that Paul has here with regards to modesty is that the way that women are dressing may be turning people away from the message of Christ. Paul talks in 1 Timothy 2:3 about how God “wants all people to be saved and to come to a knowledge of the truth.” That’s the context for this verse–let’s make sure that people get to know God and are saved.
However, the way that women were dressing may be working against that. So let’s look at what women were doing specifically that was bad:
What does modesty look like?
It’s interesting that Paul’s version of modesty has absolutely nothing to do with causing men to lust or even about the shapes of women’s bodies, but everything to do with women dressing to look rich.
One of the big issues in the early church was a class divide. Rich people didn’t tend to associate with poorer people. So if women came into church wearing expensive jewelry and expensive hair styling, they would make others feel excluded. And Paul didn’t want anyone to feel excluded!
So that is Paul’s main modesty message:
Dress in such a way that you are approachable and welcoming and that you put Jesus in a good light.
I want you to hold on to that thought–dress in a way that you are approachable and welcoming–because when we look at modesty that way, something interesting happens.
Let’s make modesty cultural for a second: In our culture, how do you dress in a way that is approachable and welcoming?
The biggest way to make others feel welcome by what you wear is that you don’t make anyone feel that they somehow don’t fit in. You want people who come into your church or your social circle to feel as if they belong. My kids once attended a summer camp where a number of very rich teenagers went, and brand names became a big thing among the girls. My daughters had never been into brand names (we gave them a clothing allowance and so they paid for their own clothes, and they were really frugal!), and it did feel off-putting and exclusionary to them.
If you want people to feel like they fit in and that you are approachable, then you must be culturally appropriate.
Like Paul said:
1 Corinthians 9:19-22 NIV
Though I am free and belong to no one, I have made myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews.To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God’s law but am under Christ’s law), so as to win those not having the law. To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all people so that by all possible means I might save some.
He fit in to the culture so that the culture felt that he was appropriate!
So what does being culturally appropriate mean for modesty?
Here’s where my 40% rule comes in!
Human behaviour tends to fall on a bell curve, that looks something like this:
What a bell curve says is that most people are remarkably similar. In fact, 68% of people fall within 1 standard deviation of the mean (the average), and 95% fall within two standard deviations. Then there are those outliers.
If we want people to feel as if they fit in, then, and we want to seem approachable, in general you want to be in that middle section where about 68% of people fall. That’s what’s “normal” in our culture, and that helps people to feel at ease.
If we think of this in terms of modesty, some people on the very right end of that graph dress very immodestly, wearing hardly anything, drawing attention to cleavage, etc. etc. You definitely don’t want to be like that.
But here’s the corresponding message that Christians often miss: when we fall too far on the left end of that bell curve, and try to dress extremely modestly, in long denim skirts, long sleeves, nothing below your clavicle, oversized T-shirts, etc., we are just as out of the mainstream as those who are very immodest. When you appear too modest, you actually make others feel like you are judging them.
That does not bring anyone to the gospel. That is very off-putting. That tells people they don’t belong in your church or community. That makes you seem very unapproachable.
Paul was not setting up specific modesty rules that applied for all time. He was setting a principle that people should not feel excluded.
When we think about modesty, we should be thinking the same thing.
So when I dress, I think something like this: “What’s about the middle point of modesty in our culture? And how can I be just on the left side of it?” And that pretty much works! That’s my 40% rule!
In fact, I wear some things now that I would not have worn twenty years ago because fashions have totally changed. Think of the difference between the mom jeans of the 80s and the jeans we wear today. Twenty years ago our modern jeans that are ultra-form fitting would have been scandalous; today they hardly make anyone bat an eye. But go out in a pair of those mom jeans, and people would think there was something wrong with you.
Here I am rocking those mom jeans back in 1990 (Keith and me about a year and a half before we were married):
I’d never wear those today; I’d stand out like a sore thumb. I wear much more form-fitting ones, as does everyone else.
I’m not saying modesty is entirely cultural; there are some things I could never do
In Europe it’s normal to be topless at the beach, and that would likely fall within that 68%. I would never do that, for all kinds of reasons. So there are exceptions.
But on the whole, I think it would be better if we started talking about modesty the way that Paul did. It’s not about not causing someone to lust. It’s about being approachable and not being off-putting. That means that:
we should not appear so rich that people think they can’t talk to us.
We should not appear so immodest that we put others ill at ease.
And we should not appear so modest that we make others feel uncomfortable and even judged..
What do you think? Am I wrong? Is that a more biblical way of looking at it? Let’s talk in the comments!
Found this post helpful? You might also enjoy:
10 Reasons Not to Kiss Dating Good-bye
10 Things That Scare Me About the Purity Culture
Is the Purity Culture Making Women Ashamed of their Bodies?
10 Trends I’m Watching in the Purity Culture
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
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Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
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March 22, 2019
Are You Too Good at Keeping Quiet? Why Your Marriage Needs You to Speak Up
Kestia Gustave is a long time reader and wonderful blogger, and she shared this blog post with me recently. I thought it was great, and so I asked if I could run it today. The point? If you want real intimacy, you need to SHARE, not just shove things under the rug.
Here’s Ketsia:
Jono and I stood in the parking lot of the shopping plaza across from the beach with our 4 and 2-year old kids, cooler in hand, looking forward to getting home and putting the kids to sleep after washing the sand out of their hair. I squinted my eyes against the sun, thinking my eyes were playing tricks on me.
Our car wasn’t where we had parked it that morning.
Jono and my cousin who had come with us stood behind me.
“They towed the car,” Jono said in disbelief.
“They towed the car?” I repeated dumbly, still not believing what my eyes were seeing.
“Dang!” Jono exclaimed. I turned around, trying to fight the irritation that suddenly flooded me. “This is my fault,” Jono said, shaking his head regretfully.
“Yes it is,” I quickly responded. My frustration bubbled out before I could stop it. “But everyone makes mistakes.”
See, that morning when my husband first pulled into this particular parking lot for our family beach outing, I had warned him that it might not be a good place to park. He dismissed it as me being overly cautious, while reminding me that we had parked there before when we’d come to the beach. “That was years ago,” I’d told him. “They may have gotten stricter since then.”
But then I convinced myself that maybe my husband was right, maybe I was being overly cautious. Now we were paying for it. Literally. An hour later as we were driving home after paying for our towed car, my husband apologized for being presumptuous and causing our finances to be affected by his decision. I got over my feelings of irritation, but it reminded me of something that I often have to keep telling myself.
Don’t keep quiet.
There have been times in our relationship where I didn’t agree with what Jono was doing, but instead of speaking out and sticking to my guns, I quieted my voice and convinced myself that it was better to just stay quiet. Each of those times, I later realized that I should’ve stuck to my guns instead of thinking that being quiet equalled being submissive.
There are definitely times to be quiet and let the other person learn from their mistakes, but when the decision affects more than just that person, when it affects the family, that is not a time to stay silent. Decisions that affect the family are definitely battles worth fighting, even if in the end, you end up at a standstill.
Making your voice heard in your relationship is about more than just equality. It’s about the fact spouses are supposed to complement one another’s characters.
There’s stuff you’re great at that your spouse needs your help with and vice versa. By keeping quiet, you’re robbing your relationship of the richness that comes when two people learn from each other and make each other better people. Getting your car towed may not be a hill to die on for you, but there are other things that people keep quiet about that have more serious consequences.
In our relationship Jono tends to be the homebody who likes to save money by-you guessed it-staying home. I like making memories, and sometimes that does involve spending money. Now, I’m not a crazy spender, but my husband grew up poor and the idea of us experiencing that gives him anxiety. But I can’t let that make me keep quiet. He knows how to go without and be content with what he has; I know how to have fun for cheap, and I’m not into having lots of stuff.
Together we balance each other.
He helps me not to go out of control when I go to the store, and I help him loosen up and enjoy life instead of just working all the time.
If I keep quiet and let him make us homebodies, I would be very unhappy, and that unhappiness would ripple into the rest of our family’s well-being. If he let me buy everything I want, he’d live in a constant state of worry and stress, trying to clean up after my (potentially) irresponsible spending decisions.
Building intimacy doesn’t mean keeping quiet. It means doing the work to get on the same page with one another.
By coming together and constantly having conversations about the things that matter to us both, we figure out ways to compromise and make each other happy. That’s what God had in mind when He made Eve from Adam’s rib. We’re supposed to stand side-by-side, tackling life together through communication and love.
So don’t keep quiet. Keeping quiet means that your marriage is missing out on major growth and fulfillment. Keeping quiet means that you’re not being true to yourself and that you’re being stifled. You’re fearfully and wonderfully made. You bring something of value to the table.
So speak up.
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Kiesha is an author, educator, and Christian Health Coach. She has 3 children and a daughter-in-love. She is a native of Toledo, Ohio, but currently lives in Columbia, SC where she and her husband of 25 years, raise hens, honeybees and a host of fruit trees in their backyard. Every year they plant a garden and grow healthy leafy greens, herbs, and sweet potatoes. They grow and raise everything using only natural methods – no chemicals, pesticides or herbicides.Find Kiesha’s book, “Worth the Weight,” here:
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March 21, 2019
PODCAST PLUS: Why I’ve Stopped Resolving Conflict, Put Down that Phone, and More!
Ever feel like resolving conflict is just too hard?
It’s time for a new episode of the To Love, Honor and Vacuum podcast–and I hope I can help you.
Please listen, but if you don’t have time, I’ll have some links and rabbit trails below so you can read all you want as well.
And consider this podcast “extras”. If you want to go deeper into what I talked about in the podcast, here are some more things to help you.
But first, here’s the podcast (and remember–you can subscribe at iTunes or anywhere where you listen to podcasts!):
Main Segment: Why I’ve Stopped Resolving Conflict
Keith and I have done the “conflict” talks at marriage conferences off and on for about 15 years, and recently I’ve figured out why the old talks never sat well with me (the newer ones are much better!). They combined all kinds of things that are actually quite different. See, I think there are three different ways that we can have conflict:
Silly Conflicts (where we just get ticked off, and no real resolution is needed except to take a chill pill)
Serious Conflicts (where you can’t agree, or feel very disconnected)
Sinful Conflicts (where someone has done something really wrong)
Often we treat all conflicts like they’re a combination of serious/sinful, where we need to figure out how to say what we need, how to make a decision, how to walk through forgiveness.
But honestly, a lot of conflicts are just silly when we get ticked off (tons more about that in 9 Thoughts That Can Change your Marriage!).
I think it’s important to understand the difference, because framing all conflict in terms of forgiveness also sets up serious conflicts, where we’re simply disagreeing, as if we’re enemies opposing and hurting each other, when that’s not necessarily the case at all.
In this podcast, I share the change that Keith and I found revolutionary in our marriage, and that was Thought 7 in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage (Find the Win-Win!). Too often when we disagree we actually name the issue wrong. Instead of saying the issue is “should we move?”, “should we switch churches?” “should we pay down debt before we buy a house”, take a step back and say, “what is it that we each need from each other right now?” That clarifies so much and makes it easier to make those decisions.
Listen in to the two scenarios I share! Seriously, people have told me that this one insight has changed how they do conflict.
Are you PeaceKEEPING or PeaceMAKING?
There’s a huge difference between the two. And if you don’t get it right–you’ll never be able to feel truly intimate in your marriage.
There’s a better way!
Take me to it!
Millennial Marriage: Why Are Millennials so Depressed?
Millennials are having a mental health crisis. (that’s the link to the article we were discussing)
And it’s not due to the economy, or school pressure, or other things you might think. It seems instead to be due to cell phone use and social media. So Rebecca and I sat down this week and tried to figure out how parents can help kids build more face-to-face relationships and rely less on their phones.
My big tips: Screen free family dinners. Family activities that don’t involve screens (like family board games). Have a central charging station for devices at night. Here are some other posts that can help:
3 Steps to Have a Porn Free Home
14 Favourite Family Board Games
Reader Question: Is it wrong to want my husband to share stuff about me on social media?
A great question came in that related so well to the main segment I was talking about this week that I decided to run it today. She asked:
My husband says he doesn’t like social media but he’ll post about his own projects. He’s only ever posted one picture of me. The rest is me tagging him in stuff. I post about him sometimes. Is it wrong that I want him to do that, too?
Okay, let’s take a step back. The question isn’t really “is it wrong to want my husband to post about me on social media.” The question is: “how do I help my husband understand that this is one way I feel loved?”
Totally different question! In the podcast I explained why people often don’t understand that the other person really does experience this as love, and experiences NOT doing this as lack of love. And then I suggested that the couple work through the exercise in this post, about coming up with quick ways to show your spouse love. Keith and I did that years ago at the instructions of a counsellor and it helped us so much!
Take me to the post!
COMMENT: You’re Kind of Hard on the Church, Sheila
This week on Facebook I made a (rather badly worded) post about how the church doesn’t preach well that it’s better to be single than to marry someone with bad character. What I meant is that our Christian culture often gives this impression, but I just worded it wrong. Anyway, a woman commented that she liked my page, but sometimes I’m very hard on the church, and it’s very negative.
I think she has a point. I got rather passionate in the podcast as I explained why, but it really comes down to this: The longer I’ve been blogging, the more I hear from people in difficult places in their marriage, and I realize that we have to stop trying to put out fires, and we have to prevent them in the first place. And a lot of those fires are caused by the church culture we’re in.
People have really messed up views of sex. People marry the wrong person. People accept abuse. And a lot of that is because the Christian culture teaches the wrong thing.
I know I’ve been hard on many elements of Christian culture lately, because it’s been a horrible year. Big names have been revealed to be wolves in sheep’s clothing. James MacDonald is a misogynistic bully who was just fired for so many infractions, including being spiritually abusive, having anger management problems, and financial shenanigans. He also said terribly pornographic things about women. Bill Hybels was fired for sexually harrassing women. The Southern Baptist Church is in crisis because they ignored sexual abuse.
And, of course, big name books, like Love & Respect, have, for years, taught toxic things about marriage.
I believe we need Jesus. I believe that when we walk in Christian community, so many of our marriage problems can be minimized. But we need to open our eyes and see that a lot of our North American Christian culture isn’t Christian at all. When I share this, I’m not trying to tear down the church. On the contrary, I think when we point out things that are toxic and wrong, we save the church. Jesus doesn’t need us protecting things that aren’t of Him; He needs us pointing people to Him.
I likely don’t always get the balance right. And let me tell you, on a personal level, it is exhausting seeing all the dysfunction that is out there. I have to keep my eye on it because it affects so many, but it’s terribly depressing. But I’ll try to get that balance right, because I believe that the body of Christ is what we all really need, and I want to help us all find true expressions of Christian love.
What do you think? Do you need a new way of resolving conflict? How can we handle when the Christian community doesn’t act like Christians? Let’s talk in the comments!
March 20, 2019
Are You a Generous Lover? How Wives Can Be Giving in the Bedroom
What does it mean to be a generous lover?
A few years after we were married a read a magazine article by a woman who had vowed at their wedding day to never say no to her husband sexually. Whenever he wanted sex, she would give it.
I was just coming out of a bad few years in our marriage, and was determined to get on a better trajectory. Plus I’m a type-A personality who loves a challenge! So when I read that, I decided, “If she can do it, I can do it!”
And I did.
I was so proud of myself. I got out a calendar and started circling in red all the nights that we had sex.
Then one day Keith came to me and said, “I just feel like we never make love.”
I was incensed. Didn’t he realize how giving I had been? I pulled out that calendar and I showed him, “you have nothing to complain about, buddy!”
That started a rather interesting conversation, and what I finally understood was that my husband did not want to be placated. He wanted to be wanted.
Keith instinctively understood what I’ve been talking about for the last few weeks: God made sex to be a mutual experience, where both husband and wife are giving and receiving; where both are throwing themselves into the sexual side of their relationship; where both are dedicated to truly “knowing” each other in every sense. He wasn’t interested in just “having sex”–ie just having intercourse. He wanted a relationship where I was enthusiastic, too.
I’ve been talking for the last few weeks about how far too often women are the ones who are deprived during sex, because we’re the ones who are the least likely to experience sexual pleasure, and because we’re often afterthoughts when it comes to sex. Sex involves his climax, and anything else is a bonus. I’ve been arguing that we shouldn’t see sex as primarily about his physical release; instead, we should see it as a mutual experience.
But if we’re going to ask men to make that leap–if we’re going to ask husbands to realize that we matter just as much as they do in the bedroom, and that our experience is important, then we also have to take a leap. We have to decide that we’ll dedicate ourselves to making sure that he enjoys making love, too. So let’s look at what that means!
Previous Posts on how Sex Should Be Mutual:
Does “Do Not Deprive” Apply to Wives More than Husbands?
10 Times It’s Okay to Say No to Sex
We Need a New Definition of Sex (that’s mutual!)
I’m going to be linking to a lot of past posts in this post, because I’ve written so much about all of this before. So rather than make this post 15,000 words long, you can just click through on the links that pertain to you.
Being a generous lover means embracing sex as more than just about HIS physical release
One of the things men tell me over and over again is that what they really want from their wives is not just sex, but enthusiasm. They want their wives to want sex! So part of being a generous lover, ironically, is embracing our own sexual side.
We have to decide that we’re going to embrace mutual sex, too.
We’re going to stop seeing sex as just about his “physical release”. We’re going to stop feeling like we’ve “done our duty” if we have sex frequently.
We’re going to embrace sex as something that is for us, too.
Have a hard time embracing sex as something for YOU, too?
It’s supposed to be great physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Feel like something’s missing?
Check out The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex!
Being a generous lover means being committed to our own pleasure
On the surface that makes no sense, I know. How can it be generous to be committed to OUR pleasure? But you see, most men actually want to give their wives pleasure. It helps men feel as if you want to be there on your own merit. I explain it more here in why our enthusiasm matters with sex, but it is key. I receive so many comments on the blog that say something like this:
Unfortunately, some have decided that because of (pain, body image, inhibitions, a brain that won’t let go of the day, … make your own long list), sex is not for her. And when that is decided, the willingness of the husband to engage in the process, to it’s fullest possible pleasure for his wife, is wasted and feels useless. Everything else in her life takes priority.
I may be in the minority of men here, but my experience is that my wife doesn’t want to want. Wanting, desiring, seeking are part of the equation, and the most generous man can’t compensate when those things are missing in his wife.
Others have said how they want to try to pleasure their wives, but their wives say no, and want their husbands to just “hurry and get it over with.” Again, that’s seeing sex NOT as a mutual thing, but only as about his pleasure. And that doesn’t tend to be what men want. Husbands want us to jump in! So if you’re going to be a generous lover, you need to be committed to receiving pleasure, too. Giving to someone else is very affirming and very erotic. To stop your husband from giving takes away something he was meant to do. God designed our bodies so that we would receive pleasure especially through foreplay, where we are the main event.
Also, God designed pleasure and orgasm to be something that helps us become “out of control”. It’s the height of vulnerability. It’s a state of being that you’re supposed to share with your husband and no one else. It’s real intimacy. If you see intimacy as only about emotional connection and not that vulnerability/out of control aspect, you are missing something. I know it’s hard for many women to reach orgasm, and I’m not saying that it’s a necessity. I’m just saying don’t give up, keep trying, and make your pleasure a priority, because it does matter for both of you.
Being a generous lover means learning what makes sex feel good to him
If both of us are to be giving in the bedroom, then we also have to think about what makes him tick and what he likes! I do believe that the sexual relationship as a whole should focus on both of you giving and receiving, but that doesn’t mean that individual encounters can’t be focused on one of you. Sometimes he may just need a quickie!
And just as he has to learn what makes us feel good, it’s good for us to learn what makes him feel good, too. While that may seem more obvious, because he has an easier time reaching climax on the whole, that doesn’t mean that it’s automatic or that we can’t improve. Play teacher some nights! Have his and her nights! Or find ways to make sex feel good for him, too:
Learn Great Sex Tips!
How to Make Foreplay for Him, too
10 Ways to Make Sex Feel Amazing for Him
Being a generous lover means helping him feel wanted and pursued
Your husband shouldn’t be the only one initiating sex! Show him that you’re interested in sex as well–and the cool thing is that as we initiate, we often ramp up our own libidos, too.
How to Signal “Yes” to Your Husband
Being a generous lover means embracing frequency in your sex life, too
Let’s say that your libido would be satisfied with sex once a month, but he wants sex every day. Do you meet in the middle and compromise at twice a month?
No, I don’t think so, because that doesn’t validate his desires. it leaves him frustrated for the other 28 days a month. Now, I’m not saying that you have to have sex everyday. But “meeting in the middle” should not be the aim. Embracing intimacy and prioritizing intimacy should be. I think each marriage is different in what this will look like, and varies so much with shift work, ages of kids, health, etc. But if we’re going to say that sex is about a mutual joining, then we’re also saying that sex is important. So we should start prioritizing it in our life and making our default “yes” as much as possible–not because we want to get him off of our backs, but because we recognize how important it is for us and for the relationship, too.
Being a generous lover means having compassion when he’s sexually frustrated
Being a generous lover means that you recognize when stages of your life are leaving him sexually frustrated, and you do have compassion on him. Let’s say that you’ve been nauseous in pregnancy for a long time, and he’s been great about giving you space. It may be that occasionally you “give him a gift”, and that occasionally he also gives you a gift in the form of a long back rub or running a bath for you. You show that you still want to connect, even if intercourse seems impossible for you right now. And, again, you make sure it’s set up so that you’re both giving and receiving.
Being a generous lover means being open to spicing things up
Laughter and play in the bedroom can be wonderful at enhancing intimacy! I’m not talking about doing weird things (and I have my own opinions on sex toys and vibrators that I’ve shared). I definitely don’t think you should watch porn together. But you also don’t want to get stuck in a rut. Try the 31 Days to Great Sex–it’s a wonderful way to ease into spicing things up, to learn how to tell him what feels good (or how to figure out what feels good), how to flirt more, be more affectionate, and try new things.
Or you can jump right in and try the Sexy Dares!
Does your marriage need some spicing up–and some fun?
Try these 24 dares–plus one bonus–to take your marriage to the next level!
Let's add some heat!
Ladies, we can’t have it both ways when it comes to sex.
If we want sex to not just be about our obligation to give him release, but instead to be about mutuality, then we need to embrace our end of it, too! We need to prioritize intimacy; we need to become vulnerable and allow and encourage him to give us pleasure; we need to jump in. That really can only happen when we understand that sex was not just created for him, but created for us, too.
And if your problem jumping in is that he’s never figured out how to give you pleasure (or even tried!), that’s coming next week. But for today, let’s embrace all that God created sex to be. If He made it to be this wonderful, let’s not miss out on it. Make it a great research project!
What do you think? What makes a wife a generous lover? Let’s talk in the comments!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
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