Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 93
December 19, 2018
What Do We Do When Grandparents Undermine Our Beliefs?
Christmas is almost here! I’ve got Rebecca and Connor home already, though Katie and David won’t be joining us until Christmas Day. And, of course, we’ve got Rebecca and Connor’s dog Winston here, too, which is a whole pile of fun.
(Here’s Winston in his new car seat on the way here–they got it so he doesn’t get so anxious or car sick. Now he can see out the windows!)
We’re doing some planning for the podcast that we’re launching next month, and some other big picture blog planning, and getting ready for Christmas, and I actually don’t have time to write a post today.
So I want to do two quick things.
First, I want to tell you about a big party we had last Saturday.
I got together everyone who works for me, along with their spouses, and we hosted an “80s prom murder mystery”. We all had characters we had to come as (I was the mean girl and Keith was the nerd). And by the way, I’m wearing the actual bridesmaids dress from my wedding in 1991:
and then in the middle of the game one of us “died”. And then we had to solve the mystery! (Luckily the guy who died was the dad of one of the babies, so he could take the two babies for the rest of the night while we all played).
It was a ton of fun:
(And side note: Rebecca on the far right looks exactly like I looked in the 80s. Kind of freaky.)
If you’re signed up for my weekly emails, I’ll be sending out a video of the evening in the weekly update this week, including our wonderful karaoke rendition of I Will Survive. If you’re not signed up, you can do that here!
Second, I’m going to let YOU ALL answer a reader question!
I wanted to tackle this one for our series on boundaries that we’re talking about this month, but I don’t have time. So I’ll let you all take a stab at it! What do you do when grandparents denigrate your beliefs in front of your kids?
Reader Question
Do you have a post addressing the fact when grandparents make statements against your core Christian beliefs in front of your children? For example, we were talking about books kids should/should not read (my concern was my oldest is sensitive so I made him wait to read Harry Potter). I also alluded that it was completely fantasy and had some scary stuff in it. And the grandfather said fantasy and scary was no different than taking a child to Sunday School (our Sunday School teaches about being a friend or using time wisely in the elementary…it doesn’t get into heavy topics in 3rd grade). And implied any parent who takes their child to church is out in left field (all in front our the kids) My husband no longer allows him to take our kids hiking/biking alone for other reasons. As much as I don’t like everything he has to say, he does the love the kids, I don’t want the grandparents out of our kids lives. What should we do?
What do you think? How about you all leave your comments here, and we pool the wisdom of my amazing readers for a change!
I’ve got some reflections written already for the next two days as we gear up for Christmas. I pray that the season is peaceful for you all, too.
Looking forward to hearing your responses!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
December 18, 2018
10 Ways to Make Talking Politics with Family Safe at Christmas
How do you not make talking politics a landmine at Christmas?
Nothing wrecks a good Christmas get-together like talking politics. And let’s face it–far too many have such emotional views that talking rationally gets really difficult. You don’t want to drive a wedge between family at Christmas, and you just want to enjoy everybody, but even if you want to steer clear of politics, often other people don’t. So what do you do?
I asked one of my assistants, Joanna, to compile a list of good Christmas posts of the past recently, and while doing that she saw how many were about difficult Christmas dinners. It made her think of politics, and she asked if she could write this. I told her, Sure! And her advice is great. I’m going to take it myself.
Here’s Joanna:
I was recently reviewing Sheila’s Christmas posts, and I was especially interested in all of her pieces on family time during the holidays. I started musing on my own experience and I realized there was one topic that causes contention around my extended family table: politics.
I’m an American and both sides of my family are political mixed bags.
I have relatives who are the definition of coastal elites and I have an uncle who wore Donald Trump socks during the 2016 election.
And here’s the thing: I can talk politics with any of them. I don’t lie, I don’t argue, and I don’t let it get contentious. And I usually leave the conversation feeling encouraged that we have more in common than I’d thought… or I realize that our information is coming from alternate universes. None of my relatives resort to bullying when discussing politics, though. They believe strongly and some, I think, are quite disserved by the people whose opinions they parrot. But no one is vile about it. If your family cross the line from passionate about politics to manipulating you into voting the way they want you to… you’ve got every right to avoid the topic with a 10 foot pole.
Whatever you think of the current political climate, I think we can all agree that things are very neatly divided into camps and that political identity has become a major divider of people: a former NPR head called it the new “guess who’s coming to dinner.” That is, we so hate the members of the other party that we would be upset if our child came home dating one of them. That is not okay.
A climate of hatred and division can thrive if we don’t talk to people we love about hard things.
If we allow the media (on all sides) to monopolize the conversation, we will only become more polarized. Outrage works for them–it gets us bringing our eyeballs and our mental energy back to them again and again.
I also think that if we cut some topics off from discussion, we make it harder for us to talk about big, important topics like faith. If we show we can talk about contentious topics with grace, it becomes easier for us to talk about other controversial issues.
Okay, Joanna, how do you manage to talk politics with just about anyone?
1. I know what my goal is for the conversation
Sometimes I’m letting someone blow of steam with me so that they don’t go and talk to X or Y other relative about politics and blow the place up. Sometimes I’m trying to bond, to show someone that I’m safe to talk to. Sometimes I’m trying to change someone’s mind. Sometimes I’m trying to figure out why someone believes the way they believe just out of sheer curiosity. Sometimes I want to talk it out to see if my perspective is legit. It varies. But where I want to steer the conversation and how I judge my success depends on my goals. A quick gut check beforehand is important, it tells me how many risks I’ll take and how to steer the conversation.
2. I look for commonality
So, let’s take healthcare. It’s a big issue and it’s one I care about. There are lots of contentious parts of US healthcare policy, but the fact that the US spend way more as a %GDP on healthcare than any other country and has worse outcomes has never been a fact people are unhappy to fuss about with me. It’s an easy in. We can talk about policy changes to help get people out of the ER and to family doctors, homeless shelters, etc.
Another winner? The Colorado river is dry by the time it reaches Mexico. We can all agree that’s ridiculous. And then we talk about why – certain water hungry crops and lawns in the desert. Do we need lawns in the desert? If not – how should people be incentivized not to have a lawn?
Essentially my goal is this: find a topic that is tangential to the “rah-rah” lines used by EITHER side so that we can have a discussion on policy, not politics. Because really, the goal of our political system is to have good governance, not “our team” winning.
3. I don’t reveal who I voted for
I once had a multi-hour political discussion with a relative without revealing that I voted for the candidate they hated. I actually really enjoyed our discussion, and it was really helpful. I knew they really wanted to talk about politics and I knew I could have the discussion in a profitable way, while helping out the other members of my family who weren’t really keen to have the talk with them. Your vote is a secret ballot and it is your prerogative if you reveal how you voted.
4. I don’t lie, but I don’t correct people either
It’s pretty rare that I’ll not just nod along. Maybe that’s duplicitous, but I’ve found going around the side and using commonality usually works better than brute force fact checking. If an older relative says something racially insensitive, my saying “that was racist” may make me feel better, but it isn’t going to win any hearts. If, instead, I bring up the business a friend started alongside refugee women, I’m actually getting somewhere in building goodwill towards those who are different.
Like this post so far? You should also check out:
10 Ways to Enjoy DIFFICULT Christmas Dinners with Family
When You’re Estranged from Family at Christmas
5. I try to talk one on one, not in a big group
I talked above about how I try to steer a conversation about politics toward common ground. That’s harder to do when there are more people talking for the simple reason that more participants means that there will be fewer opportunities for me to talk! I’ve mentioned my goal to find commonality and that’s also easier if I’m talking to one person. I know one aunt and uncle have kids in the military, so I may look for different topics with them than I would with other family members, for example. If I’m trying to do too many things at once, it could spin out of control and I won’t have the same ability to customize my talking points.
6. I tell my own stories
Personal experience is straight up hard to argue with. By telling my story, I help to show why I believe the way I do. My experience with wait times in the Canadian health care system would be an easy one to bring up if we were talking about healthcare issues, for example.
7. I don’t talk about parties
My goal is to talk POLICY not POLITICS. The current climate makes your party of choice the equivalent of a sports team and the rah-rah cheering, while understandable, can get in the way. Also it’s easier to avoid reflex responses – either positive or negative – if you can keep party out of the discussion.
8. I’m careful with my jokes… but I still try to get a laugh
I might, occasionally, poke fun at a particularly ridiculous act by a political figure – and I’m pretty equal opportunity in my ribbing. But if I’m going to crack a joke, it will be about the person DOING something silly. I don’t bash them for their existence. Nancy Pelosi or Paul Ryan may do something funny, but they are not inherently a punchline. Because people of all political stripes do ridiculous things, it’s an easy way to build commonality with someone I’m talking to if we can laugh at so-and-so’s ridiculous antics.
9. I avoid culture war issues, especially head on
So we can all discuss the banality of whether and how to regulate front lawns in Las Vegas without impeding First Ammendment rights. We can talk through the balancing of priorities in drawing congressional districts and, I think, come to a profitable conclusion. But there are some issues I try really hard not to touch, and those are the culture-war issues. It’s just too hard to have a nuanced discussion on most of these issues. If I need to, though, I usually try to deflect from talking about, for example, gun policy directly, and I’ll reroute to a side issue. On guns, I’d bring up the fact that it’s ridiculous that the CDC can’t study gun deaths and how important it is because of the epidemic of men using guns to end their lives. I’d also, as I said above, share stories about how suicide and guns have affected my family.
10. I try to understand where my family is coming from
I have family members all over the political spectrum. We all agree we want a fair, free country where hard work is rewarded and a social safety net exists to help those in need. We all want our children’s children’s grandchildren to enjoy the national parks and to inherit a safer, healthier planet. We want good schools and libraries, for the mail to come on time and for our firefighters to be rewarded for the risks they take for us. Mostly, we disagree on how to allocate resources and the HOW behind those goals. And honestly, usually both sides have a good point. (Occasionally, that’s not the case, but usually there’s a good reason behind a policy, of you look hard enough). Trying to see through someone else’s perspective is a great way to build empathy, and it helps me to understand where I may have overlooked things in my own political opinions. Humility goes a long way.
Thank you, Joanna. That’s awesome! So now let’s talk: Do any of you relate to what Joanna’s written? Do you think any of these points could help you? Tell me in the comments!
About Joanna
More from Joanna
Joanna SawatskyJoanna is a 20-something who has been married for 5 years. She's an infertility patient-turned-mommy, a Yankee-turned-Canuk, but she'll never lose her love for her hometown Pittsburgh Steelers. You'll find her sipping coffee and playing with her angora rabbit while reading theology books with the baby most afternoons. She's got a Masters in Public Health and a bizarre love for statistical graphs.Some other posts from Joanna:
When It's Hard to Rejoice with Those Who Rejoice
Why We Need Community
December 17, 2018
Reader Questions: Am I a Lesbian, Why Do I Hate Sex, and More!
Am I a lesbian? Is oral sex really okay? How do I trust my husband again?
On Mondays I like to run reader questions and take a stab at answering them, but it’s the end of the year pretty much and I have such a huge backlog that I thought I’d try to tackle 5 of them today, linking to some other posts I’ve written to help answer them. So here goes!
1. Why Do I Like Lesbian Porn?
Reader Question
I’m 18 years old, and unfortunately I got into watching porn. One had a clip of two women kissing. I immediately turned it off but the image seemed to stick in my mind. I often day dream about kissing my future husband and making love, but then recently these random women began showing up with us or he suddenly looked like one. Do I actually like girls as well as men? Before all this I only ever thought about men, and it’s freaking me out.
I hear your confusion! I can’t tell you what your sexuality actually is, but I can tell you this: If beforehand you only ever were attracted to men, then it’s very likely that you’re still just attracted to men. Studies have shown that the majority of heterosexual women do get aroused by lesbian porn. It’s just a fact. So I wouldn’t jump to any conclusions there.
The important thing is that you fight the urge to watch porn, because that’s the root of your current problem, and it can cause all kinds of other problems. Porn rewires the brain so that what becomes arousing is an image/fantasy/scenario rather than a relationship, and it can make it very difficult to get aroused just be a person, without having to fantasize about something you’ve seen. It makes sex impersonal, rather than about truly making love.
So I’d say this:
Figure out when you’re tempted to watch porn, and then address those triggers
Is it when you’re bored? Alone? Stressed? Up late at night? If it’s late at night, then always charge your computer/phone/iPad in the kitchen at night, rather than taking them into your bedroom. If it’s because you’re bored, have a list of things to do if you find yourself bored. If it’s because you’re alone a lot, make plans to go out with friends more often.
When thoughts enter your head, turn those thoughts to something else
If images from porn enter your head, decide to think about something else. It’s possible to reject those images and focus your mind somewhere healthy.
More posts about women and porn:
10 Things to Know About Women and Porn
2. My Husband Sex “Video Chats” with Other Women
Reader Question
Our problem is sexting, chatting and videos. After our daughter was stillborn (10 yrs ago) his coping mechanism was sexual chats. These eventually led to pics and videos with women (I found out 5 yrs ago). They are always different women, ones he “hooks up with” on dating sites or Craigslist and then hangs out with in Google chat. He says he has never had a physical or emotional affair…..it is always about control and release. He hates what he is doing and tries to fight but I don’t know that I can keep dealing with his habit and lies. (As an aside….I never want to have sex, both bc my hormones are screwed up and I don’t trust him, but I am willing to have it, but he doesn’t want me to be willing, he wants me to want it, and I can’t convincingly lie that I do want it, so we don’t have sex much). We both feel helpless on how to fight this….any suggestions you can give?
Okay, no wonder you don’t want sex if he’s busy sexting with other women! Seriously. Stop blaming yourself. And don’t let him blame you either. It is totally natural to not want sex with someone you can’t trust.
The issue here is that your husband has broken trust with you, and he has made no effort to show you that he is going to rebuild the marriage. You say he tries to fight, but it doesn’t sound like he’s very successful. So I would do these things:
See a counsellor together, preferably one who is Christian who understands the need for trust in a relationship
Go to counselling together to figure out why he does this when he’s stressed (it sounds like it was triggered by stress and grief, but this is not a normal or healthy response to stress or grief). And then figure out a game plan so that he stops.
Start spending time together to rebuild your friendship
Friendship is really the key to trust. When you feel as if you care about each other, it’s easier to trust one another. So find some hobbies to do together. Pick a date night once a week or once every other week where you do something fun (even if it’s an at-home date night). Play board games together. Do a daily check-in where you talk about your day.
Decide what you will and will not tolerate
What will you do if you catch him again? Are there any consequences for breaking trust? It’s important to think through this and decide what it is you will tolerate in your relationship.
Until you’ve done all these things, don’t worry about your sex life. In fact, I think it’s perfectly legitimate to say that you’re going to take a moratorium on sex for a few months until you get a plan in place so that you know that he is getting mentally and spiritually healthy and won’t do this again, and you are rebuilding trust.
Read these posts:
They’re on sexting or porn or strip clubs, and even if they don’t apply directly to you, they do all deal with breaking trust in similar ways, and I think they may be helpful:
4 Things You Must Do if Your Husband Watches Porn
When Your Husband Goes to Strip Clubs and Watches Porn
When You Catch Your Husband Texting Other Women
How Do I Rebuild Trust After a Porn Addiction?
3. I’m a Newlywed and I Hate Sex
Reader Question
I’ve been married for 3 months now. I have been wildly surprised and disappointed to discover how much I hate sex. My friends who are married said it wasn’t fun at first, but none of them have had difficulties this long. In your course you mention just enjoying the ride without worrying about the climax, but what do you suggest when there is no part of it that’s enjoyable, and it is generally uncomfortable? I find myself often literally gritting my teeth to get through. By the time we’re finished I’m frustrated and bitter, and feel more alienated from my husband instead of closer.
I’m so sorry! That does sound awful. I’m not sure what you mean by feeling uncomfortable, though. If it’s that it physically hurts, it could be that you have vaginismus. I remember gritting my teeth to get through, and I did have vaginismus, which is a condition where the muscles in your vagina tense up, making sex extremely painful (gritting your teeth makes that worse, by the way!). If that’s the case, try my resource page on vaginismus.
If it’s not actual pain, then I’d suggest stopping what you’re doing right now and back up that truck a bit. Sex is supposed to be mutual, and women’s sexual pleasure matters, and if you get used to having sex when it’s only for him, you’ll end up resentful, and it won’t be a good dynamic.
So stop altogether and go back to basics. You need to figure out what you like and what you enjoy having touched, without intercourse. I’d start with 31 Days to Great Sex, my book to help you learn how to make sex great. The first few exercises are really only about talking through your feelings, and then they’re about touching each other and they grow slowly from there before it gets racier. But going back to those exercises where all you’re doing is touching and discovering what feels good is likely the first step! I hope that helps.
 
4. I Had Sex Before Marriage. Am I Tainted?
Reader Question
I am a woman who has known Jesus my whole life and was baptized early. Unfortunately I made a mistake by choosing a boyfriend that didn’t have the Christian values he pretended to have. He ended up touching me quite a lot under the belt line. I broke up with him – but the scars that he had given me by heavy petting and that i suddenly had been touched a place where only my husband was supposed to touch me were with me. I brought that in to my next relationship because I had pictures of what my ex and I did in my head – because i still felt ashamed, so I needed to get those pictures out from my head and I did that by sinning with my then currently boyfriend. Now I’m engaged and I’m very sad to say that I have had sex before marriage–and i feel so impure and in a way I was so sad because I felt like i betrayed God . We have been fighting as a couple with letting go of the sexual part because we of course long for each other. But I feel like I’m such a bad christian because i wasn’t strong enough to keep myself away from the temptation. I also read in the bible that God punishes sexual sin – is that true? and have Jesus not taken that punishment away from us?
First, congratulations on finding a man who loves God! That’s great.
Now, you’ve done something that you regret with him, and you’re right–you should stop having sex until after the wedding. When we have sex before we’re married, we often confuse physical intimacy with emotional intimacy. One of the reasons that God wants us to wait until marriage for sex is so that we can truly get to know each other and have those close conversations, and having sex makes you feel close when you might otherwise not be. It also can change the way we see sex, and it does often affect your sex life later.
At the same time, sexual sin is not a worse sin than other sins. God does not punish it more. He does not get angrier with you over sexual sin than He does other sin. We treat it that way, but we shouldn’t. The difference is that sexual sin affects us more than other sins, and that’s why it’s trickier. But no, God is not angrier at you now than about other sins, and we need to stop thinking that.
I would say this: If you’ve struggled to do what you want to do, and what you know God wants you to do, then I’d also recommend that you make sure that you’re in a really good Christian community where you can grow in relationship with God. By that I mean make sure you’re in a strong Christian community, like I talked about last week, where it’s about authenticity and humility, not just about following rules. A church that talks all the time about rules but has no way for people to be real with each other is not a church that will help you get to know Jesus and lean on Him.
Here are some posts that can help you:
A Letter to the Woman Who Feels Like She’s Lost Her Purity
How Do I Resist Having Sex with My Fiance?
5. We Find Oral Sex Weird Now that We’re Parents
Reader Question
We used to be more open and willing to try things in the bedroom but after we brought our wonderful son into this world, oral sex made us uncomfortable because he sometimes eats and drinks after us & gives us kisses. We both have admitted we miss it sometimes, but can’t help but feel like it’s dirty.
Great question! Okay, oral sex can transmit some diseases. For example, if someone has herpes, and has cold sores, and they then perform oral sex, it can spread genital herpes. Similarly, if they have genital herpes, and you perform oral sex, you can then get herpes, including cold sores, and can transmit that to your child.
The problem here, though, is not oral sex per se but the herpes virus. So make sure no one has an STD.
Beyond that, I’d just say that mouthwash covers a whole lot, and I really don’t think you need to worry about things like that.Your child is far more likely to pick up germs from putting random toys that have been on the floor into his mouth than by eating your food. Or if you’re worried about germs, your child is far more likely to catch a cold virus from kissing you than he is to catch anything else.
It sounds like the issue is far less about germ transmission and far more about feeling as if you can’t be both a super hot wife and a good mom at the same time (How can my mouth do THAT if my baby might touch my mouth?). Read The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, if you haven’t done so yet, because it helps you see that sex was something that God designed for us. It’s not dirty. It’s a beautiful part of marriage, and it’s important to your child’s well-being that you and your husband have a great sex life! So don’t hold back just because now your parents.
By the way, none of this is to say that you MUST have oral sex–just that staying away from it because now you’re parents when you enjoyed it before could be a sign of something far more problematic with the way you see sex. Let’s get back to the heart of the issue: sex is not dirty, but it can really be both hot and holy!
Whew. That’s a whole bunch of questions! I’m glad I could clear at least a little of the backlog.
What do you think? Any more words of wisdom for these 5 women? Leave it in the comments!
Author
Social Media
Sheila's Best Posts
Books
Courses
Freebie
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
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December 14, 2018
What Does It Mean to Be “Covered in Love”?
I’ve argued repeatedly on this blog that loving somebody means aiming for God’s best for their life, which means that it’s not about being nice; it’s about being good. It’s about serving them, and looking out for their best interests, and putting them first. It’s about caring for their heart and treating them with gentleness. It’s also about not enabling them to do things to hurt themselves (so it means confronting porn use, or not putting up with emotional abuse). But it means looking at life through the lens of “how can I best care for this person”? It means laying down your own life and sacrificing to help them. It’s others-focused, not me-focused.
Yesterday I was talking about the struggle I have with the fact that the best solution to so many marriage problems is to get a good Christian community around you–and yet I know at the same time that many of you are in church situations where the church may actually make it worse.
Some churches don’t practice love as much as they practice control.
I found a few things on the internet yesterday that I do want to share, so let me take today to give you some examples of what it looks like when a church is “covered in love”, and when it isn’t.
5 Common Mistakes Churches Make When Helping Wives of Porn Addicts
This is an EXCELLENT post from Covenant Eyes. Just excellent. I wish I had written it! She talks about minimizing the wife’s pain; talking about how she might have contributed to it; rushing her to forgive; and more. If I could contribute one overarching thing, it’s this: I think sometimes counsellors and churches are focused on saving the marriage rather than saving the people in the marriage. They get their goal wrong.
Jesus is not more concerned about the marriage than He is the people in it. And if we care properly for the people, we’ll end up building a stronger marriage anyway! This is why so much marriage advice is trite. We get the focus wrong.
Why does this dynamic happen? Often because the person who is sinned against is the one who is the easiest to control. The sinner is harder; he’s already shown that he sins, and that he’s likely to mess up again. So to save the marriage, it’s easier to focus on getting the person who hasn’t done wrong to change things and make life easier for the sinner, rather than to pressure the one who has done wrong to make everything right.
A church which is so focused on saving the marriage that it doesn’t care for you well is not being loving. That doesn’t mean that the church is bad, by the way. Pastors just haven’t been taught how to counsel properly, and many are in over their heads. But if you’re experiencing this, it’s okay to say, “I need a trained counsellor.”
(affiliate links ahead!)
Remember, too, you can get a month free of Covenant Eyes when you use my link! And with Christmas coming, and many of us buying gadgets for family members, now’s a good time to make sure they’re protected.
Some Church Exposes It’s Worth Reading
There’s a tendency for all of us (especially me!) to glory in other people messing up. It helps us feel superior.
I hope we’re not doing that. But at the same time, I do want to raise awareness of three big issues in the wider Christian church that all dropped this week. This isn’t because I want us to gloat; it’s because, as I said above, I want you all to be in healthy Christian community, and I’m afraid some aren’t. And when you aren’t, it’s sometimes hard to see it, let alone admit it to yourself. So that’s why I’d like to encourage you to read these exposes–so that you can see what problems in churches look like, and identify when you may need to make a change.
Independent Fundamentalist Baptist Churches
The first I mentioned in my post yesterday–the expose into the Independent Fundamentalist Baptist Churches. This is not to say that all churches of that denomination are terrible places. But when a problem is this rampant, it really is worth asking hard questions at your church to see what the attitude towards sexual abuse is, and whether the church will put the needs and well-being of women and children ahead of the well-being of pastors and predators. I wrote about this a lot this year, and I won’t repeat it all, but this is important.
The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary Admits its Racist Past
Two days ago, the SBTS wrote a report detailing the fact that it was founded by four slave-owners, and that slavery and racism were part of its heritage. They say they are disavowing that heritage, but they also say they will not rename buildings or take away the history or heritage, or study whether their theology may lead to racism. I’m glad they took this step; I pray they will go further.
Harvest Bible Chapel
Yesterday, when I wrote the post about healthy Christian community, I didn’t know that that was the very day that Julie Roys’ in-depth investigation into HBC would be published in World Magazine. I’ve been following this case for quite a while, and especially rooting for Julie, because a few weeks ago James MacDonald and Harvest sued two bloggers from The Elephant’s Debt blog, their wives, and Julie Roys for defamation. The Elephant’s Debt blog has, for several years, been publishing accounts of alleged financial mismanagement and spiritual abuse that is happening at Harvest. Julie was working on this investigation for World Magazine, but had not even published it yet when she was sued. And the wives had not been part of this at all, but Harvest named them in the lawsuit anyway, and then proceeded to completely ignore them, talking about “three defendants”, even though they named five. So they hurt Melinda Mahoney and Sarah Bryant by suing them, and then hurt them again by completely ignoring them. So weird.
Read about the lawsuit here
Read the Executive Summary of what TED wrote here
Read about how Harvest has really denigrated Sarah and Melinda here
As a blogger, I must stand with other bloggers when ridiculous lawsuits are launched. This truly grieves me.
I’m so proud of Julie for publishing her piece despite the legal war against her. The piece is long, and it is disturbing to read. But everything that she has documented has at least two to three witnesses. The important stuff is really the financial shenanigans (although having a dartboard with elders’ wives faces and shooting darts at them, while making some elders’ wives worth more than others? Really? And people think that’s funny?). But I want to point out one interaction Julie writes about that pertains to Luke MacDonald, James’ son. Julie writes:
Maldaner said that when he first announced his intentions to resign and plant a church, Harvest crafted a resignation letter and asked him to sign it. The letter included a noncompete clause pledging not to participate in a ministry “within a 50-mile radius of Chicago.” It also included an admission of misconduct (although the Harvest HR director told Maldaner no record of misconduct existed on his file).
Maldaner refused to sign the letter or a subsequent draft. From then on, he experienced a tense and deteriorating relationship with the church. Maldaner said that on his last Sunday at Harvest, James MacDonald’s son, Executive Ministry Pastor Luke MacDonald, approached him after the service and accused him of recruiting people for his church plant. Maldaner said that when he denied recruiting anybody, Luke called him a “liar” in front of Lilly, his 6-year-old daughter, and bystanders in the auditorium. Former Harvest member Mark Gagliardi witnessed the incident and confirmed Maldaner’s account, though he said he couldn’t hear the entire conversation. (WORLD asked Harvest for a comment from Luke MacDonald: The church responded that the details of the conversation with Maldaner “are not a matter of public discussion and are covered in love.”)
Julie Roys
Reporter, World Magazine
Let’s just focus on that last phrase for a moment–“covered in love”. This is a tactic that I have seen at many legalistic churches where power is consolidated at the top. Because only a certain group of people get to decide what happens in the church, they also get to define things. They get to say:
We are following God’s will, therefore everyone who is against us is against God. (hence when Harvest fired and shunned two elders for asking to see a line item budget, the remaining elders told the congregation that to question a decision made by the elders’ board is “satanic to the core”.)
We are doing what is right, therefore if you disagree with us you are wrong.
We are God’s chosen, therefore everything we do is automatically good.
We are appointed by God, therefore everything we do is in love.
It can make you feel like you’re in a 1984 novel, where words lose their meaning. Actions, words, everything is redefined based on who is doing them, not based on the actions or words themselves.
So if a leader in the church does something, it’s automatically right. If a congregant disagrees, it’s automatically wrong.
Let’s set the stage here. Maldaner isn’t happy at Harvest, and has decided to go out and start a new church. He feels called to it. Presumably he’s wrestled in prayer about this and has decided that it’s important to do. This happens at many churches. In our town, I’ve even seen it stem from a pastor’s team where one pastor felt like the church was going in a direction he wasn’t on board with, so he decided to start a new church. And you know what? It was all done amicably. The church recognized that the pastors had different approaches, saw that they were both called by God, and blessed them to go their separate directions. And both churches in our town are now doing well.
Deciding that you are called elsewhere is not a bad thing, in and of itself.
But how was it handled? Luke MacDonald (as several witnesses attest) berated this man, in public, and called him a liar in front of his 6-year-old daughter. But Harvest now says that conversation was “covered in love.”
This is what I want you to hear, dear readers: if someone treats you badly, but then says that they did it “out of love”, that is not love! It’s not love if it’s a pastor, if it’s a mother, if it’s a husband, if it’s an elder, or if it’s a friend. People don’t get to just declare “my motives are pure, so you have no right to question me.” If your actions are not loving, then you are not being loving, no matter how many Bible verses you quote or what you say. You don’t get to define things to suit you.
In the comments yesterday, a woman wrote that her church started demanding that she take certain steps regarding a husband’s addiction. She didn’t feel that was right, but the church said that she shouldn’t be thinking for herself, but had to do what the elders told her. That’s not healthy. That’s not right. Churches should be guiding and steering, but they should never take away your decision-making ability.
If you are in a Church that says it’s “covered in love”, but is anything but, then it’s okay to look elsewhere
Over the next few weeks, we’ll be remembering how our God was humble enough that He left heaven to take on human form, in all of its frailty and pain, in order to show us how to love, and to forge a way back so that we could be reconciled with Him. He loved us so much He sacrificed everything for us. He knows our pain. He walks with us in our struggles. And His love knows no bounds.
That is Jesus. That is what it means to be “covered in love.” This season, let’s focus on the heart of God again–a God who is not focused on power, but on love. And as we do that, let’s pray that Jesus will lead all of us towards true expressions of faith and community that focus, first and foremost, on real love.
Thank you for letting me talk about this today. My heart is heavy. There is so much more I want to say, but I know that’s not the focus of this blog. But this is so important, and I hope that God will use yesterday’s post and today’s post to help some of you process better any difficult church situations you’re a part of.
December 13, 2018
When You Need Community–And You Don’t Have It
Remember the song “Lean on me”? When you’re not strong? I’ll be your friend. I’ll help you carry on.
That’s what Christian community is supposed to be like.
We weren’t made to go through life by ourselves, to bear all our burdens by ourselves, to figure things out by ourselves. We were made for relationship, and to be in community so that we can help, and so that we can be helped.
I’m talking about boundaries a lot this December, as we gear up for Christmas and often deal with family drama and other people’s expectations–and even our own. How do you figure out what’s your responsibility, and what’s really someone else’s?
On this blog I give a lot of advice on how to think through problems, and how to address issues in your marriage that are damaging to the relationship and to the person.
However, that hard work can’t be done in isolation.
That’s why often my main piece of advice, when it all comes down to it, is to get a group of people around you to support you, mentor you, and help you.
If your husband is watching porn, for instance, and won’t admit how bad it is or won’t get filters on the computer or accountability, you need other men you can trust to come alongside him and say, “no more”. If your husband won’t get a job, and plays video games all day, you need a group of people around you to come alongside him and say, “If you don’t start working, we’re going to support a separation, because the family needs to be financially stable.”
But maybe it’s not even a crisis. Maybe it’s just regular life and getting adjusted to marriage. That’s where you need people in healthy marriages hanging out with you, encouraging you, and giving a positive model of what marriage is supposed to be.
The struggle I have as a marriage blogger is that I know that this one piece of pivotal advice–get a group of people around you to help you–actually won’t work for many of you, because you aren’t in Christian community.
I have heard from so many who have gone to pastors to talk about their husband’s porn use, only to be told that they just need to have sex more. I have heard women who are emotionally abused go to pastors, only to be told that they need to understand their husband’s love language, or work at romancing him more. And so on and so on.
This week, I was so saddened by the report that was published about sexual abuse in the Independent Fundamentalist Baptist Churches. A scandal of proportions similar to the Catholic sexual abuse scandal, the report originally published in the Forth Worth Star Telegram found 400 allegations of abuse across 200 different institutions.
It’s a hard way to end the year, especially as it began with the Andy Savage scandal, where a Tennessee megapastor was revealed to have abused his position as youth pastor 20 years ago to coerce oral sex from a 17-year-old. And then the stories just kept happening. Sexual abuse scandals in the Southern Baptist Convention. The leader of a large network of churches suing bloggers (and their wives!) for reporting on financial and spiritual abuse within the church network. And it keeps happening.
This is depressing. Many churches are indeed unsafe places and do not build good marriages. But if you’re in a church like that, please, please know that not all churches are like that.
Healthy churches exist.
I wrote earlier this year about being in a legalistic church, and having a legalistic view of marriage, and how both of these things often work against marriage health. I want to expand a bit on what church health looks like today, because I think that when you’re in the middle of an unhealthy church situation, you often don’t feel like you have a choice. And we’re told that because we’re in community, we can’t just leave. We have to push through and make it better.
10 Signs You’re in a Legalistic Church
Are You Following a Legalistic View of Marriage?
Sometimes that’s true. But I don’t think it is always true. Just because a church says that it preaches the gospel does not mean that that church is actually the body of Christ. We tend to believe that if someone can recite all the right verses and believe the right doctrine that they are Christian, and therefore they are part of the body of Christ. Jesus never said that. Instead, Jesus said things like this:
“Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?’ Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!’ (Matthew 7:21-23)
He also said:
“If you love me, keep my commands. (John 14:15)
And then there’s this:
Pointing to his disciples, he said, “Here are my mother and my brothers. For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother.” (Matthew 12:49-50)
You see, it’s not about what you believe. It’s about actually following what God wants. It’s even more explicit here:
James 2:18-20
Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by my deeds. You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder. You foolish person, do you want evidence that faith without deeds is useless[d]?
If you are in a church that believes all the “right” things about salvation, but does not practice love and does not work to bear each other’s burdens, then you’re not really in Christian community.
I think we have this tendency to believe that all churches are good, and we just need to stick it out. But Jesus was so clear that yes, the church would grow–but within that church would be evil elements. Here’s the parable of the wheat and the weeds:
Matthew 13:24-30
Jesus told them another parable: “The kingdom of heaven is like a man who sowed good seed in his field. But while everyone was sleeping, his enemy came and sowed weeds among the wheat, and went away. When the wheat sprouted and formed heads, then the weeds also appeared.
“The owner’s servants came to him and said, ‘Sir, didn’t you sow good seed in your field? Where then did the weeds come from?’
“‘An enemy did this,’ he replied.
“The servants asked him, ‘Do you want us to go and pull them up?’
“‘No,’ he answered, ‘because while you are pulling the weeds, you may uproot the wheat with them. Let both grow together until the harvest. At that time I will tell the harvesters: First collect the weeds and tie them in bundles to be burned; then gather the wheat and bring it into my barn.’”
He told other parables about how the kingdom of God was like a mustard seed, that grew into a really tall tree, and the birds of the air nested in its branches. We know that in other parables (like the parable of the sower) birds represented the devil, or those who work to destroy the work of God. So in the parable of the mustard seed, Jesus is really saying that the church is going to grow, but those who want to destroy it will dig right in there, too.
It’s okay to call a spade a spade, and to recognize when a church may be working against the will of God
At the same time, there are very healthy churches out there. They just may look different from the things we often associate with a good church.
When we look for a “good” church, what do we normally look at? We want a large church that’s thriving. We want great preaching, amazing music, great youth groups. And that’s all good. But can I tell you about the best church experience my daughter Rebecca ever had?
In her first two years of university she attended a church plant in downtown Ottawa. It only had 40 people. They met in a community centre. The acoustics were awful, and the music was merely okay (largely because of the lousy acoustics). But what they had in spades was community. It was inter-generational, and the older people who were there came specifically to really care for the students and others who attended. When Rebecca started dating Connor, other men came alongside him to mentor him (he was a new Christian). When they got engaged, Rebecca’s mentor was Debbie, a woman my age who drove her to music practice, gave advice, and asked her how she was doing. Grandmotherly Lynne also was always there for her.
Right now my daughter Katie is attending a church in a backwater town up north in the middle of nowhere nearby the military base where my son-in-law David is posted. It’s not overly large; the music isn’t always great; the “extras” are almost non-existent. But they have great community. We were talking last night as to why that is, and we decided it hinged on two words: authenticity and humility. From the pastor on down, those are two of the big values of this church. People are authentic, and they are vulnerable, which means you can go to them with problems, you can talk to them if you think something may be a bit off base, you can ask for help. That’s what matters. That’s what makes community.
Often we judge what church to go to based on the quality of the sermons, and I think that’s a huge mistake.
If you want great teaching, there are so many podcasts out there now. Just pick a good one and listen in every week. What you can’t get on the internet is community.
Sometimes when you are in a very large church it can seem like that IS Christianity. You’re often taught that everything outside of the church is off base and wrong. So it can feel like if you leave the church, you’re leaving Jesus. The opposite may be true.
Sometimes when you leave that church, you find Jesus.
I see so many people leaving churches altogether after a bad experience, and that makes me so sad. If you had a bad experience at a church, chances are that church wasn’t really functioning as the body of Christ. So don’t reject Jesus because the church wasn’t good. Find a real expression of Jesus–one that’s about authenticity and humility, because trust me–it’s out there.
It’s not even about denomination necessarily, either. We had all our babies when we were living in downtown Toronto. We attended Little Trinity Anglican church there where almost no one had grown up Anglican. It was just an awesome church, and still likely my favourite church of any I’ve ever attended. As a family, we believe in adult baptism. So when our girls were born, we asked for them to be dedicated rather than baptized. And you know what? They did it, even though they practice infant baptism, because they cared about us. We were the focus.
Interestingly, when our son was in the hospital and it was clear he wouldn’t make it, we actually asked the minister to baptize him. He came to the hospital and he did, and it was a lovely service. But they just cared about us where we were at. When our son died, the church really was there for us. They had a “Stephen” ministry program, where people had been trained not to counsel others, but just to listen and pray and walk through difficult times. And I’ll always remember Pat, who sat with me and cried with me as I tried to process Christopher’s death.
Our minister, Duke Vipperman, came to the hospital at 3 in the morning the night that Christopher passed away, even though Toronto is a very big city and he lived in a different part of it. It was community.
Like this post so far? You should also check out:
10 Signs You’re in a Legalistic Church
Are You Following a Legalistic View of Marriage?
What a Strong Marriage Ministry Should Look Like
Is Youth Group a Safe Place for Your Kids?
My biggest prayer for all of you who read this blog, beyond good marriages and good sex lives and all of the stuff I normally talk about, is a simple one: May you find true Christian community, and may you then be a part of growing it.
When we do that, a lot of these other things become so much easier.
When I saw that report on Independent Fundamentalist Baptist churches, my heart sank. It’s been a hard year for churches. But let’s not end the year on that note. Let’s instead get back to the heart of God, and know that God is simply shaking the church right now so that abusive power structures are brought into the light so they can be disposed of. That’s messy, but it’s okay. As those things are dealt with, the real body of Christ will start to shine.
And I’d encourage all of you to search for it. To create it and be part of it. And then to help it to spread.
What do you think? Have you ever had to leave an unhealthy church? What happened? Let’s talk in the comments!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
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December 12, 2018
Avoiding Christmas Disappointment: How to Get Over the Christmas Clash
But it’s not the kids who wake everyone up at 4. It’s my brother-in-law. He does Christmas BIG.
My house is very different. We try to sleep in until at least 8:30 (my kids are grown, after all), and then we do stockings and get out the hot chocolate and take things very leisurely.
Much as I love my brother-in-law, I’d be driven nuts if I were married to him, because I just could never get that excited about presents. He, on the other hand, would likely be driven nuts by me because I’d be throwing a damper on Christmas.
Do you and your husband see eye to eye on Christmas, or do you do the Christmas Clash?
I had a wife tell me once that her husband bought her a digital bathroom scale for Christmas, which has to be the Worst Gift Ever. If your husband buys awful Christmas presents, especially if you drove yourself to exhaustion all month getting things perfect for Christmas, you’d likely be pretty ticked.
On Wednesdays I like to talk about a particular marriage theme, and this month we’re talking about boundaries. Let’s take responsibility for the things that do fall into our realm, but leave those that do not. Last week I talked about how to take a step back when there’s nothing you can do to change things. This week I want to do the opposite. Let’s actually be proactive where things ARE in our sphere of influence.
So if you want to avoid that ticked off Christmas morning feeling–Get proactive and do something about it now! Here are just a few thoughts:
1. To Avoid Awful Christmas Presents, Lay Out What You Expect for a Gift
If gifts are important to you, tell him what you expect. In detail. Don’t expect him to read your mind! Maybe you’ve been hinting for months that you want a Keurig coffee maker or a Kindle, but he hasn’t really picked up on it. A lot of guys don’t. I firmly believe in making it easy for people to buy me gifts. Here are just a couple of ways to simplify things:
Create a Wish List
on Amazon and add anything you would actually like. They don’t even have to buy it at Amazon, but it’s an easy way for your husband, kids, parents, or friends to see everything, all at once, that you would enjoy.Start a Pinterest Board called “Gifts I’d Like”. You can’t get easier than that!
Tell your best friend in detail what you’d like, and then tell your husband to ask her advice. Ditto for children, if your kids are older. My youngest daughter knows a number of possible gifts I’d like for her to tell her dad (and her sister!)
And have an honest conversation about it, too, where you agree on how much you’ll each spend on each other. If debt is a problem for you, and he’s really dedicated to paying it off, then he may honestly feel that it’s not right to spend $100 or more on something for you. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you; it may just be that he wants to be responsible. If you each agree to a spending limit, then there’s less likelihood of a big surprise (like you buy him a 4 wheeler and he gets you a blender).
My husband and I have the opposite problem. I’m really not big on gifts (gifts are a NEGATIVE love language; on the whole I’d rather not get them because I feel obligated or awkward, and I buy myself the stuff I do want anyway). So when I tell my husband to NOT get me anything, and we agree that we won’t, I often stick to it, but he doesn’t. And then it’s awkward all over again.
I’ve had to ask him to be totally honest with me about whether he’s planning on getting anything, and how much he wants to spend, so that I can then try to be creative with gift ideas for him. I think I’ve made his Christmas less fun in the past because I can be a bit of a Scrooge, so I’ve tried to get myself more “in the mood” over the last few years.
2. The Person Who Cares About It More Should Take Responsibility For It
Here’s another scenario: you have visions of the family Christmas carolling, and baking cookies, and going out shopping, you with half the kids and him with half the kids, as you work through a list together. At the end you’ll meet up for some hot cocoa in the mall, and you’ll have the kids sit on Santa’s knee. It’ll be wonderful!
But he really doesn’t want to go to the mall. He doesn’t care much about baking. Sure, he likes Christmas, but he’s tired, and he’d rather do his Christmas shopping in a hurry, without the kids to drag along.
Or perhaps you have a Christmas card list of 150 people, including many of HIS old university friends, and you’d really like it if he would sit down and do the Christmas cards with you, or at least address the envelopes. But it’s like pulling teeth.
Do you get mad at him for it?
I think that’s a little unfair. You have one vision of Christmas that involves a lot of activity, but he has another vision. And one of the things that we often get most upset about our spouse for is that they’re not excited about the things we’re excited about.
We want them to FEEL it, not just DO it.
That’s asking too much. If it means more to you, then you should take more responsibility for it. It’s not fair to ask him to be excited about something he’s just not excited about.
Now, if there are a whole bunch of things that must be done, like buying presents for his nieces and nephews and parents, or picking up all the groceries for the big dinner you’re cooking, or mailing packages, it’s perfectly reasonable to sit down and list all the things that need to be done and then divvy it up. But it’s not reasonable to ask him to do things that are “extras”–and Christmas cards and sitting on Santa’s lap are extras, even if it doesn’t seem that way to you–and to be excited about it. He may see Christmas in a very different way from you, and that’s honestly okay.
3. Create New Christmas Traditions
If you both approach Christmas differently, then what about finding a third way–another way to do Christmas that’s different from what either of you envisioned? One thing that our family has done for the last few years is Board Game Boxing Day, where we stay in our pjs all day and go through the board games we have (I usually buy a new one for the family each year). It’s really fun! And it’s not something either of us did as kids.
Another big tradition is the Christmas Eve service. It seems like all of us are involved in one way or another–my girls with music (and sometimes me), or any of the four of us in drama. So Christmas Eve has become not about presents at all, but about church and worship, and it’s wonderful. Now we have that to look forward to.
For many families, the biggest source of tension is that you CAN’T seem to create your own traditions because you’re expected to play musical chairs all through the holidays, visiting everyone’s family and never being at home. And if divorce was a factor in your parents’ marriages, it’s even more complicated.
Pick a time when you’re not stressed, sit down with your hubby over coffee, and ask, “what do we really want our Christmas schedule to look like?” When Rebecca has kids, for instance, we’ll be changing our Christmas schedule, because I don’t expect her to travel. We’ll rent an Air B&B and travel to them, rather than making them come home to see us. Talk it through with your hubby and see what you can come up with so that you both can look forward to Christmas. Sometimes one of the reasons we dread the season is all of the traveling. It’s okay to sometimes say no.
4. Leave Some Space to Breathe
Perhaps the most important thing about Christmas–leave some space somewhere to breathe–to have fun as a couple, and a family. To sit around in your pyjamas. To think about the meaning of the season. To not be rushing around to everyone’s houses trying to visit family, and you leave no time to enjoy your own.
You’re much less likely to be annoyed with your hubby if you have some downtime to spend with him.
When you’re making your Christmas plans, then, remember that your marriage is more important than all of this fuss. Make sure you do things this month to make your marriage smoother, not to put bumps on the road. And if that means doing Christmas smaller, do it. If it means doing Christmas bigger (like it does for me!), then do that too. But in all, keep the focus where it should be: that we have a loving God who left Paradise to live among us, so that He could make a way for us to live forever with Him. That’s a wonderful thing to celebrate, and don’t let bathroom scales steal that joy.
How do you avoid Christmas disappointment? Or how do you get over the Christmas stress of travelling? Let’s talk about it in the comments!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
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December 11, 2018
10 Last Minute Stocking Stuffer Ideas for your Husband
Ever find you’ve gotten everyone a present…except your husband?
Some years it just happens. The neighbors have their Christmas cookie plate, the teacher gifts are ready, you’ve prepped for the white elephant gift exchange for work, and you even think you’ve got equal presents for the kids.
And then comes the dreaded realization that your husband is, as of this moment, gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas, through no fault of his own.
Guys are just hard to buy for. If your husband is anything like the men in my life, he’s also probably pretty poor at articulating his wish list before New Year’s Eve.
In previous years, I’ve written huge posts about stocking stuffers for your husband, which have become some of my most popular ones. I scoured Amazon to try to find some more that were funny and practical.
So here are 10 last-minute stocking-stuffer ideas for your husband, to complement the ones I’ve already come up with:
This post contains affiliate links, which I make a small commission from when a purchase is made at no extra cost to you.
1. Sleep Headphones ($18.97)
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This is great for husbands who have a hard time falling asleep. He can pop on a podcast, white noise, or audiobook to help stop the obsessive “what time is it?! It’s been so since I slept!” merry go round.
These sleep headphones lay flat against your head as part of a headband, so they won’t hurt your ears like traditional earbuds do when you’re lying down.
They’re also great for exercising in places (like Ontario!) where the winters are cold since they fit easily under a hat and cover your ears to boot!
2. LED headlamp ($8.99)
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Headlamps are great for camping, for hands free light during a power outage, or for tinkering in a tight space. They’re a nice item to have on hand for emergencies of all varieties and they’re a practical gift that’s still gets points for creativity.
3. Passive Aggressive Notes 2019 Desk Calendar ($17.99)
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Being passive aggressive is not good behavior. However, it is really fun to laugh at OTHER PEOPLE behaving badly. So pick up a daily dose of permissive fun so you can let off steam starting January 1.
Want more great ideas for gifts for your husband? Here’s a post filled with 34 stocking stuffer ideas for your husband!
4. Popcorn Seasoning Variety Pack ($14.95)
Homemade popcorn is a great snack full stop, but it’s especially great for those of us fighting the battle of the bulge. It’s easily customizable with spices, but the fat content is also controlled. It’s a really fun ritual to make popcorn before sitting down to enjoy a board game or a show each weekend.
5. Batman Knee Socks with Cape ($5.95)
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Let’s all just be honest with ourselves: Edna Mode was wrong, the Caped Crusader is amazing. Let your Bruce Wayne show his true Batman colors with knee socks that come pre-caped. It’s a legitimately silly gift, but it’ll get a chuckle and that’s a win already.
Why not take it up a notch and give your husband a gift he’ll REALLY love?
For Christmas this year, take the 31 Days to Great Sex Challenge with your husband!
The 31 Days to Great Sex Challenge will help you and your husband reach new levels of emotional, spiritual and physical intimacy. And it’s only five bucks, which is the price of one Starbucks holiday latte.
To make this a stocking stuffer, I made coupons for you to print out and address to your husband! Check out the coupons here!
Check out 31 Days to Great Sex!
6. NFL team E-touch gloves ($16)
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It’s simple: form and function. I don’t know who your husband’s team is, but they make gloves for each one. We Canadians are always happy for a new pair of gloves, and I know I really like being able to use my phone without taking them off if I need to make a call outside in the freezing! It’s a simple gift, but one that’s sure to be a winner.
7. Bug-a-salt insect eradication gun ($39.95)
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Tired of the fly swatter? Then arm your hubby with the bug-a-salt insect eradication gun. It’s a salt-shooting pistol that promises to rid your home of flying pests… while allowing your husband to add color commentary and sound effects to his fly-killing exploits. Just be sure to extract a promise that he’ll clean up the salt when he’s done.
8. Sushi Go Party game ($19.99)
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Sushi Go is a really easy, fast, fun card game. The party version ups the number of people who can play to 8, which makes it a winner for most family gatherings. It’s whimsical, it’s easy to learn, and I’ve never met a person who didn’t enjoy playing it. The illustrations alone will charm any recalcitrant relative into playing.
Like these ideas? Check out my list of 22 Sexy Stocking Stuffer Ideas next!
9. A Set of High Quality German Pens ($4.53)
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Stabilo pens are a great, high quality pen. The world is going digital, but, let’s be honest, a post-it-note still works wonders. I love the luxury of using a pen that writes well, but most guys I know limp along with cheap pens obtained from unsuspecting hotel rooms. These are a huge step up.
10. Tire pressure gauge ($19.99)
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This falls into the boring-gifts-that-get-used-all-the-time camp. We’ll categorize this with socks and nice underwear as gifts that are exciting to grow ups, even if they baffle the kids!
This gauge is heavy duty and has a steampunk look that will be sure to impress, so maybe the kids won’t be scratching their heads quite as much.
What is your favourite of these stocking stuffer ideas? What are some of your go-to last minute present ideas? Let’s chat about it in the comments!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Find Sheila Here:
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Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
Check out some other GREAT gift ideas for your husband!
34 Out-of-the-Box Stocking Stuffer Ideas for Your Husband!
SEXY Stocking Stuffer Ideas for Your Husband!
December 10, 2018
Reader Question: How Do I NOT Feel Guilty for Wanting Sex?
What do you do if you want sex–and your spouse doesn’t? How do you NOT feel guilty for wanting sex?
Every Monday I like to try to take a stab at answering a reader question. Sometimes I’ll do it in video form (I hope to do one next week in video!), but this is one I haven’t answered before, so I wanted to do it in written form since I don’t have as many other posts to link to.
I’ve got a husband writing in saying that he’s feeling guilty for wanting sex, when his wife obviously doesn’t. He writes:
Reader Question
I received the libido course email blast titled “What happens when you stop feeling guilty for not wanting sex?” And it stirred a feelings of a dilemma I face with my wife, which is feeling guilty FOR wanting sex. I imagine that this is a topic you’ve addressed, be it on your speaking tours or on the blog, as I’d be surprised if I’m alone in grappling with these feelings, but there are times where I do feel guilty for feeling desirous toward my wife because our drives are so different. Many times I feel that she perceives my overtures more bothersome than complimentary, and it takes a lot of effort and energy for me to muster the courage to make the first move. Any insight or guidance you can offer is appreciated.
This is such a common phenomenon: the high drive spouse (usually the husband, but not always) wants sex, but their spouse seems to always see it as a bother, which makes the high drive spouse feel like there’s something wrong with them, or they’re somehow being wrong for wanting sex. More often than not, after a decade or two of this, often a spouse just stops initiating altogether, which often leads to even more problems in marriage.
So let’s talk about it!
You shouldn’t feel guilty for sexual feelings for your spouseGod designed us to want to connect sexually. Sex is not just physical; as I explained in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, it’s also highly emotional and spiritual, too. God created us to feel oneness in all three ways when we connect sexually, and that desire is a good thing. It means that you are open to intimacy. I explain how to talk about sexual needs in a healthy way here, and how to raise this topic of conversation with a wife who just doesn’t “get” your need for sex. Now, sex should be mutual, and should be about your wife feeling pleasure, too. But sex is a good thing.
God designed sex to be a frequent part of marriage
And sex is supposed to be fairly frequent and regular. 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 says:
The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
(I explain the meaning of 1 Corinthians 7:3-5–the Do Not Deprive verses–too. Wanting sex a few times a week is not unreasonable.
When you’re the high drive spouse, you have very little “power” in this area of the marriage.
In almost every human interaction, the person who cares less has more power. In an early romantic relationship, the person who isn’t as invested has more power than the person who is infatuated. And with sex, the person who wants it least basically controls how often you have sex. And so the lower drive spouse often ends up having the power in the bedroom. That’s why the low drive spouse is often called the “gatekeeper”. They decide how often sex takes place.
This power dynamic isn’t really healthy; but it tends to be what happens regardless.
To the low-drive spouse: You need to be willing to give up some of that power.
Your spouse’s needs matter! And talking specifically to lower drive wives, here, if you have no libido, you’re missing out on a lot. Your husband is feeling distant from you, and your relationship is lacking an essential ingredient of intimacy that would make you feel close regardless. But you’re also missing out on something which is supposed to be amazing for you, too! Sex really isn’t only for your husband. Sex was created for both of you.
I felt guilty for the first part of my marriage because I knew that Keith needed and wanted sex, and I just wasn’t into it. And so I always felt like I wasn’t good enough. And I felt like if sex weren’t a part of our relationship, we’d get along so much better! Sex was all we ever fought about, and so it seemed to be the culprit. But I had to learn that I didn’t just need to make love more so Keith could be happy; I needed to learn to make love more so that our marriage could be stronger in every way. And that meant that I needed to understand that our sex life wasn’t only about what I wanted; it was about us, together. I had to willingly give over some of that power. And it worked! Now, I did that in conjunction with figuring out how to make sex feel much better, and with growing our relationship in other ways, too, but me realizing that sex was not the problem was a big breakthrough for me. I needed to stop seeing sex as the issue, and starting to see sex as the solution to many of the things that were driving us apart. It meant finding some humility, but it was so worth it!
If you’re struggling with this, I really do get it. I’ve honestly been there. But I just want to reassure you that things can get better. Check out these resources for more help:
Need more help? You should also check out:
What Does “Do Not Deprive” Really Mean? A series post to work towards sexual wholeness
To the high-drive spouse: You need to be willing to push through towards health for both of you.
We’re talking about boundaries this month, and how to figure out what’s in your area of responsibility and control and what is not.
Acting in a Christlike manner does mean that we are to serve our spouse, and love them above all else. Where things get murky, though, is understanding what “loving your spouse” means. We often believe that loving our spouse means doing what our spouse wants and making life easy for them. However, God loves us, right? And is His main aim for us to do what we want and make life easy for us? Or is His aim for us to refine us into the likeness of Jesus Christ?
If your spouse is missing out on a significant part of life that God designed them for, and is running away from intimacy, the way to love your spouse isn’t to make this rejection of intimacy easy for them. The way to love your spouse is to show them what they are doing and lead them towards greater intimacy.
Let’s dig a little deeper: the reason you’re feeling guilty is because you feel as if your sexual desires are causing your wife discomfort and are hurting your marriage.
But what if that’s not the case?
What if your WIFE’S lack of sexual desire is causing YOU discomfort, and your wife’s lack of desire for intimacy is what is hurting the marriage?
We feel guilty for many things in life, but not all the guilt is justified. And often we take on the guilt for friction in a relationship that someone else is actually causing because we don’t want that friction, and since we can’t change what the other person is doing, we assume that the only way to reduce that friction is to change what we are doing. But when the thing that we are doing is simply a natural human drive–well, you can’t really change that.
Identify the source of the guilty feeling you’re experiencing. Is it that you are feeling and asking something unreasonable? Or is it that you actually have a normal, healthy drive, and your wife’s (or your husband’s) response is to put you on the hot seat for that? Is it that you are trying to reduce conflict and “be loving”, but in the meantime, are you being driven further apart?
Now, some give and take is necessary here. Expecting a spouse to have sex everyday is unreasonable. Expecting your spouse to have sex when he or she is sick or exhausted, or right after a baby, or in the middle of grieving, is similarly a time when grace needs to be given. But expecting that sex will be a regular–and fun!–part of your marriage is not, on the whole, unreasonable at all.
When you're the higher drive spouse, it's easy to feel guilty for wanting sex. But wanting to make love is not bad! Here's how to work through those feelings--and towards real intimacy:Click To Tweet
How to take responsibility for the RIGHT things when it comes to your sexual relationship
You are responsible for loving your wife in a way that she needs to be loved. Learn her love language. Help relieve her burden by being involved around the house. Accept responsibility for caring for the kids and the house as well. Speak to her heart, and share your heart. Spend time on things that build your friendship. All of these are non-negotiables, and are part of the things that we commit to when we marry.
But then it’s okay to say,
I love you. I will always love you. I will work to get to know you, and to listen to you, and to relieve your practical burdens. I want to be part of every part of your life. But our sex life is not okay. We are missing out on so much. I am not going to reject you, and I am not going to stop loving you. But I also will not let this go. This is too important for me to say, “Okay, I’ll just stop wanting sex.” That’s not what we were designed for. So I’m going to pull close to you in every other way. Absolutely. But I am also going to keep insisting that we talk about this. I am going to find a counsellor for us to talk to if we need to. I am willing to listen to anything you have to say that can help us build our sex life. I even want to listen to constructive criticism, and if any of this resonates with you, let me know! (and show her the post on 10 reasons why your wife may not want to have sex). But we’re going to keep talking about this, because we were meant for more. And I want to work towards making our marriage amazing for both of us, so that it’s truly a haven from the rest of the world.
Sometimes a spouse just doesn’t want to talk about important things. But if your spouse refuses to talk about something, that doesn’t mean that you just let it go. Fight for the best in your marriage. Do it in a loving way. Don’t pull back. Lead them to a place of real health; don’t let them stagnate in a place where they reject real intimacy.
And if you can, suggest that you try to work through 31 Days to Great Sex. Approach it as: I want so much more for us. Can we try this? The first few days are really more about addressing what we think about sex, and it really does ease people into it. It’s not like you have to try 10 new positions at once. Working through that can help talk about the roadblocks, try things one by one so that she sees that sex should feel good, and helps you both communicate more. Pick it up here!
What do you think? All of you who are low-drive spouses–how can a spouse raise this in a way that would resonate with you? Let’s talk in the comments!
Author
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
The Best 31 Days of Your Marriage!
Read a few pages. Do what it says. Have incredible fun!
Learn to talk more, flirt more, and even explore more! You'll work on how to connect emotionally, spiritually, AND physically. And the ebook version is only $4.99!
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December 7, 2018
How to Actually Enjoy Your Marriage This Christmas
Yep. I know you’re busy, but it’s true! And today Gaye Christmas from Calm. Healthy. Sexy. comes to us to help us do just that (and I thoroughly endorse #4!).
Here’s Gaye:
When my children were young, the only two things I wanted for Christmas were more sleep and a clean house.
I was just so, so tired – all the time – and my house was so, so messy. A hundred tasks were calling my name, and I just couldn’t keep up. And my level of energy and enthusiasm for my marriage dropped to alarmingly low levels between December 1 and New Year’s Day.
Do you know that feeling?
Even now that my children are older, I find that the Christmas season can exhaust me. I work a full-time job, run a blog, and still take care of my family and coordinate our holiday gifts, meals, and celebrations. And if I forget to save some time and energy for my marriage, it tends to suffer in December.
Can you relate?
Whatever stage of life you’re in, I have a feeling you can – because the Christmas season tends to be very hard on women. It adds extra tasks to our already-busy schedules and creates extra stresses on our already-weary minds and bodies. Which means that it tends to be hard on our marriages too.
But, it doesn’t have to be that way.
I believe that Christmas can be a season of joy and fun and love for you and your husband. It can be a time when you make memories together and strengthen your marriage, rather than letting it run on auto-pilot and increasing the tension between the two of you. Creating joy in your marriage during the holidays isn’t difficult, and it doesn’t take a lot of time and energy. But it does require a little bit of thought and a tiny bit of effort.
Wherever you are in your Christmas planning and preparations, you still have time to make changes that will allow you and your husband to have fun together and enjoy each other’s company. If you’re ready to create that kind of Christmas season for your marriage, here are the four simple steps you need to take:
1. Talk about it.
Maybe the holidays are going smoothly and you’re feeling happy and relaxed. Maybe it’s incredibly stressful and you’re feeling tense and frustrated. Or maybe it’s somewhere in between. Regardless of what’s happened to this point, sit down with your husband today and talk. Do it at a time when both of you are least like to feel stressed. Talk about what’s happening now and what you want to happen during the rest of the holiday season.
Be honest with him, and encourage him to be honest with you. Make an effort to listen and understand his perspective, and ask him to do the same for you. Share your frustrations, your worries, and your fears, and ask him to share those things too.
Maybe you’re frustrated because so much of the holiday work falls on you. Maybe you’re worried because money is really tight for your family right now. Maybe he’s frustrated because you want one kind of Christmas celebration and he wants something entirely different. Maybe he’s worried because he doesn’t think he can make everyone happy.
Whatever you’re feeling, talk about it. Then talk about ways to reduce the stresses of the holiday season in order to free up time and energy for your marriage. Find points of agreement and figure out ways to focus on them, while letting go of things on which you disagree. Be willing to give and take, in order to reduce stress and strengthen your marriage.
2. Let go and say “no.”
You already know this, but it’s hard to accept (at least it is for me!) – In order to create space to enjoy your marriage, you have to let go of some of the things that suck up your time and energy. Your schedule is already packed and your to-do list is a mile long, so you can’t add anything to either until you let some things go.
And that often means saying “no.” Maybe it means saying “no” to a cookie exchange, a Christmas party, or a day-long shopping trip. Maybe it means saying “no” to elaborate decorations, dozens of homemade cookies, or gift swaps with relatives you barely know.
And sometimes it means letting go – of traditions, events, or activities that you just can’t maintain while also making time to enjoy your marriage. For example, when our children were very young, my husband and I had to “let go” of family travel at Christmas. It was just too difficult, and we didn’t have the energy to make it work. A friend had to let go of planning and coordinating an elaborate Christmas dinner for her entire family.
These kinds of changes tend to be unpopular, so work on making them and implementing them together, so that you can present a united front when people push back against your decisions.
3. Make a plan and make memories.
Now that you’ve freed up some time and energy, make a plan that will allow you to have fun as a couple during the remainder of the Christmas season. Be specific about the things you want to do, decide what days you’re going to do them – and put them on your calendar!
Try to plan at least two fun activities together each week from now through New Year’s Day. Most of them can be simple – taking a walk through a festive town or neighborhood, going out for coffee, watching a football game, or watching a favorite Christmas movie. You can even combine a task on your to-do list with spending time together, like shopping for a couple of gifts and then going out for a glass of wine or a casual dinner.
If you have time (and childcare!) you could plan one or two things that take a bit more time and effort, like a day trip or an outdoor activity such as hiking or skiing.
In general, though, the things you plan don’t have to be complicated or cost a lot of money. They should be things that you both enjoy, that help you relax and unwind, and that allow you to make “deposits” into your “bank” of marriage memories.
4. Make love.
You knew I was going to say this, right? Although making love may not feel like a priority in the midst of the hustle and bustle of the holiday season, it’s critical to the health and happiness of your marriage. And during times of increased stress, it may be even more critical.
So when you’re making your plan, be sure to plan time and space for making love regularly. And be sure to focus on fun and pleasure for both of you – this isn’t about “have sex regularly because your husband needs it!” He does – but you do too.
Making love helps you connect and bond in a way that nothing else does. It allows you to have fun together and create positive memories. And it helps you reduce stress and sleep well – both of which are critical during the hectic Christmas season.
(If enjoying sex in your marriage is difficult for you – and it is for many women – Sheila has many excellent resources for overcoming those difficulties, including articles here on the blog, books and an online course.)
Christmas is one of the busiest and most stressful times of the year for women, and it can create extra stress on marriages. This year, though, you can reduce that stress and increase the joy and love in your marriage by following these four steps. Give them a try this week – I think that you, your husband, and your marriage will be glad you did.
If you’re looking for more ways to slow down, take care of yourself, and enjoy your marriage during the holidays, check out my holiday planning ebook, Peace. Love. Joy. 75 Ways to Take Care of Your Health, Happiness, and Marriage this Holiday Season. I’ve created a 40% off discount code exclusively for Sheila’s readers. Just enter the code SHEILA40 at checkout to save 40% off the ebook or your entire order from the shop.
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Best from Gaye
Writer and encourager of women at CalmHealthySexy
Gaye Groover Christmus is a wife and mom to two young adult sons. In her day job she works as a health writer and technical editor. Her passion, though, is encouraging married women to slow down, take care of their bodies, and create joy and intimacy in their marriages. She believes that small steps can lead to big changes, and that women armed with knowledge and a plan can transform their hurried, hectic lives. Gaye blogs at CalmHealthySexy.
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Check out some of Gaye's books, and use the code SHEILA40 at checkout to get 40% off any item or your entire order.
The Guide to Romantic Essential Oils
The Busy Woman’s 30-Minute Guide to Exercise
Peace. Love. Joy. - 75 Simple Ways to Take Care of Your Life, Health and Marriage this Holiday Season
Some of the best posts from Gaye:
Essential Oils for Sex and Intimacy
3 Words that Can Improve Your Sex Life
18 Ways to Spice Up Your Marriage
December 6, 2018
When Your Friend is Having an Affair
What do you do if you discover your best friend is having an affair?
We’re talking about boundaries this month, and how to figure out when to make something your problem, and when it just can’t be your problem. A while ago I answered this question about discovering your friend is having an affair, and I thought it was worth running again, because unfortunately it’s a big problem. A reader wrote:
Reader Question
I really appreciated your post about When you catch your husband texting another woman but I’m wondering if you have ever written or would be able to address the topic of when you have friend, who is the wife in this situation, engaging in the affair. She recently told her husband, so it’s out now. I’ve confronted her before about what I saw because I was concerned that she may be headed down this path, but she denied that it was an issue. But now I know it was an issue before I even talked with her. So I’m just looking for advice on how to walk through this with her and respond lovingly and Christ-like. She is a believer.
That’s a tough situation, isn’t it? Few of us like confrontation, but when a friend is having an affair, confrontation is pretty much required of you.
Before I give a framework for this situation, let’s just lay out a few “givens”, that I hope we all agree with. Affairs are horrible things. They should never be justified. If a marriage is abusive, or if there is adultery on the other person’s part, then it could be that the marriage needs to be ended. But that is still not an excuse for an affair. You deal with the marriage you are in before you look elsewhere. The vast majority of affairs, however, do not occur in marriages where divorce is the best option. They occur in unhappy marriages, or in marriages where the couple has just grown distant lately. That is NEVER an excuse for an affair.
An affair blows apart the marriage and it blows apart the family, and people need to understand the gravity of what they’re doing. So if you have a friend who is having an affair, here are some thoughts:
1. Affairs are Fantasies that Exist in the Dark. Bring it to Light
Why do people have affairs and continue in affairs? Because it feels so intoxicating! They’re unhappy or bored with their “real life”, and the affair makes them feel alive again. Someone loves them. Someone appreciates their thoughts and their feelings.
But it’s all just an illusion. The reason that person is able to act like they love them unconditionally and that their thoughts and feelings are so important is that they’re not living in real life. They don’t have to pay bills, make meals, take kids to the doctor, dealing with extended family crises, and all those other things that marriage brings.
When you’re in the middle of an affair, too, you start to fantasize about what would happen if this continued. You can see yourself married to this person, and see how that marriage would be wonderful. You don’t take into account how angry and hurt and bewildered your children will be. You don’t take into account how long the legal battle will be to end the marriage and establish custody. You don’t think about that; you fantasize as if all the obstacles just float away.
Nothing ends an affair like a good dose of reality. Now I’m going to recommend something here that is drastic, and some people may disagree with me. Perhaps my advice isn’t the right course of action in all circumstances. But I still firmly believe that secrets are dangerous, and that when we bring things to light, God can start to work.
If you know a friend is having an affair, I highly recommend sitting down with her and telling her in no uncertain terms, “End this right now or I will tell your spouse and the spouse of your lover.”
Don’t get into a conversation with her about how unhappy her marriage is. Don’t get sucked into discussing how great the guy is. Just be firm.
What you are doing is wrong, and it needs to stop. If you are going to go on with this person, your spouse still deserves to know now so they can prepare. I am not going to be a party to something like this, and so I will tell if you don’t end it.
How do you tell? I’d go as a couple, you and your husband, and sit the spouses down and let them know.
What if, like in this letter writer’s situation, you have a suspicion, but the friend hasn’t admitted it? You can say to your friend, “What I’m seeing is inappropriate, whether it’s a full blown affair or not. And I fear for your marriage, and I think your husband needs to know so that you can work on this together. I’d be happy to be there with you when you tell him.”
Will your friend hate you and be angry at you? Probably. But ultimately what is more important? Keeping that friendship, or giving that marriage the chance to survive? That marriage won’t survive if the affair is ongoing. Telling the spouse, though, does two things:
1. It stops this fantasy life where the affair appears so easy
2. It gives the other spouse a chance to fight for the marriage
2. Help Your Friend See the Long Term Repercussions for the Children
If your friend has kids, she needs to understand what will happen with those kids. Ask her these sorts of questions:
1. Are you prepared to only see your children 50% of the time?
2. Are you prepared to spend half of your Christmases away from your kids, and half of their birthdays away from them? When they are grown up, are you prepared to see them and your grandchildren significantly less? (People need to be aware that when they divorce, they end up seeing grandchildren only about 40% as often as if they had stayed married. It becomes too stressful for young couples to juggle two sets of parents, and so they tend to withdraw more.)
3. Are you prepared for your children to understand that it was you who broke up the marriage?
That last one is vitally important. People need to know that they will not get off scot-free. I have extended family members who have had affairs and ended marriages, and their children have all been made aware of the fact (not by me) that one of their parents broke up the marriage over an affair. Even if that affair happened when the kids were young, they do find out. It doesn’t stay a secret. And you should tell your friend, “This will NOT stay a secret from your kids. They WILL know that it was you who ended the marriage. They’ll know that you chose your lover over them.”
Is this harsh? You betcha. But people in the middle of affairs need a good dose of reality.
3. Help Your Friend Understand the Ramifications for Her Social Circle
You may want to stay her friend; this letter writer does want to try to still model Christ to this woman, and I do understand the sentiment. After all, James writes (5:19-20):
My brothers and sisters, if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring that person back, remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of their way will save them from death and cover over a multitude of sins.
We want to be that person who rescues our friend, and so our instinct is often to be compassionate rather than confrontational. We want to listen to her and talk with her and pray with her and say, “I understand that you’re hurting, but there is a way out.” Perhaps there is room for that.
However, I’m not sure that rescuing a friend from wandering always involves being nice. I think it often involves a cold, hard telling of the truth. And the truth is that if this friend leaves her spouse for her lover, you likely won’t be her friend in the same way ever again, nor should you. She has broken faith with her husband, her kids, God, and her church community. Someone who has done that deserves to know that there are repercussions.
You will not socialize with this other person. You will not go to a second wedding. You will not support her; you will, instead, support her husband, providing baby-sitting and whatever else he needs to get set up as a single parent. And you’re pretty sure that everyone else you know will take a similar stance.
And then be sure to tell her: If you do not end this affair, I will tell the pastor and have you removed from any leadership activities. And people will find out.
If your friend is not a Christian, and that isn’t a good threat, then you can still let her know that your mutual friends will eventually find out what she did.
4. Be There When Her World Falls Apart
Most affairs don’t end well. There is no marriage to the lover; there is only destruction in the wake. When the destruction occurs, and if she is truly repentant, be there to help restore her. Once she’s repented, there is no need to ostracize or punish her. Now is the time to restore her.
Help her and her husband find a good counselor. Baby-sit as much as you can so they can work on this. Pray a ton with her. This is when she’s going to need you.
Many of us are awful at confrontation, and we likely don’t appreciate most of these suggestions. And doesn’t talking about all of this to pastors or others in leadership sound like gossip? I don’t think so. I think affairs are so dangerous that they need to be brought to the light, and so basically, you have no choice. Standing by your friend means helping your friend. You don’t help her by letting her continue her fantasy.
You may need to have another friend pray with you or talk you through this before you confront her, and that’s okay. Talking to one or two other people so you can pray and prepare may very well be a good idea. I think sometimes we’re so scared of gossip that we don’t take the proper steps we need to when something serious is at stake. Do what you must.
Now, what do you think? Have you ever had to confront a friend over an affair? What happened? Let me know in the comments!
Like this post? You should also check out:
Do I Tell if I Find Out My Friend Had an Affair?
Do I Confront My Husband Now, or Wait Until After Christmas?
Ask Sheila: My Friend Insults Her Husband in Public!
The Pain of Infidelity: Do We Treat Cheating too Cavalierly?
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
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