Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 95
November 20, 2018
10 Trends in the Purity Culture that I’m Watching
The purity culture has been with us for a while–but some super interesting things are happening.
And I want to share with you 10 trends that I’m keeping a watch on.
But first–what is the purity culture?
It’s hard to define exactly, but it’s a trend that, while it didn’t start in the 1990s, it exploded in the 1990s with the True Love Waits movement, I Kissed Dating Good-bye, etc. I was very involved in Christian youth groups in the 1980s, for instance, and we NEVER talked about modesty. No one ever thought about waiting until the wedding to kiss. Dating was normal in our youth group. But fast forward to the late 1990s, and legalism had crept in. Modesty was all the rage. Girls were told they were stumbling blocks for boys, so they had to watch it. Dating was frowned upon. And things snowballed.
I wrote an important post a while ago on 10 things that scare me about the purity culture, and it can explain everything for you!
As I’ve shared before, I’ve gone from being a big advocate of the purity culture to firmly believing that it’s one of the biggest culprits in robbing marriages of great sex. And so I’m quite passionate about bringing a more balanced view (and hopefully a more Christ-centric view) on the whole thing.
Here are 10 things I’m watching:
Trends in the Purity Culture I’m Celebrating
1. Key figures in the purity culture are changing their minds
Do you know what really, really impresses me? What makes me leap for joy because it’s so evident that God is doing a mighty work?
When someone admits they’re wrong, especially about something they’re famous for.
This year I’ve been talking a lot about Josh Harris’ journey disavowing his book I Kissed Dating Good-bye. I actually participated in the crowdfunding for the documentary that they’ve produced. And that documentary is now LIVE, and it’s totally free to watch. I watched it over the weekend, and I’d encourage you to watch it, too!
You can find it here. (Once you sign up, it may take a few minutes to get emailed the link for the film. But it’s coming! And it’s worth it).
Imagine the courage it takes to say, “the biggest thing I’ve ever done with my life was a mistake.” That’s a man who is putting Jesus first. I know some wish that he had gone further, and had addressed the Sovereign Grace sexual abuse scandal that he was in the middle of. I wish he had, too. But that does not stop me from saying that I really respect Josh Harris, and I thank him for being honest. And I’m excited to see what God is going to do with him next!
2. New books are being written PRAISING dating
I love Deb Fileta’s book True Love Dates. It’s all about how healthy dating can prepare you for a healthy marriage–and how to go about dating in a healthy way. Increasingly there’s recognition that you need a way to get to know someone before you pursue marriage. And, especially when you’re an adult and away from the youth group crowd, the only real way to do that is to date!
She was featured in Josh Harris’ documentary, and you can watch the extended interview with her here.
3. Courtship is being reconsidered
Thomas Umstaddt was the one who blew the internet up with his post on why courtship wasn’t working. After being an advocate of courtship, and writing a blog on courtship, he started to realize two things: many of the girls especially who grew up with the courtship model were not getting married. And many who did get married young were divorcing at really high numbers.
Something was wrong in courtship land. In Josh Harris’ documentary Thomas is talking about this, and it’s fascinating. You can watch his extended interview, too!
4. Christian online dating is really a thing
I know so many people who are taking the initiative to find someone that they want to marry. Sometimes you just can’t find anyone in your church or your social circle, and you need to branch out. I think that the trend towards online dating is a positive sign. I know we believe that we should wait on God’s timing, but I also believe that online dating may be the tool that God wants to use to help people find a mate!
Are you considering Online Dating? Christian Mingle has made hundreds of thousands of relationships possible, so check it out here to start looking for your match!
5. Sexual abuse in churches is starting to be taken seriously
I’m not sure if this one should really go under “things I’m celebrating”, because the church is not doing nearly enough in this realm. Scandals keep coming out, week after week, and most churches are trying to cover their reputations rather than help victims appropriately. That makes me sad. Nevertheless, the fact that these scandals are hitting the news at all is a positive step. It means that it can’t be ignored forever. And I hope and pray that over the next few years we’ll see churches getting better at recognizing the wrong they have done.
(Sovereign Grace Churches and Southern Baptist Mission Organization–I’m looking at you specifically–though you’re hardly alone).
6. Churches are embracing talking about sex in a healthy way
One thing that totally delights me is how open churches seem to be to my Girl Talk! It’s an event that I’ve been traveling around North America (and Australia now too!) where I talk about sex, rather graphically, answer a Q&A, and point women to what a healthy, passionate marriage looks like. And on the whole, pastors are so happy to have that resource for something that, for obvious reasons, can’t be addressed thoroughly from the pulpit. (Interestingly, it’s only in Tennessee that it’s been virtually impossible to book anything. Churches in Tennessee seem to have more problems with this! Anyone want to explain why?).
One of my comedy moments at Girl Talk!
I’m often asked if Christians are afraid to talk about sex, but I’ve never found that to be the case. There’s a deep hunger for open conversation and teaching about this, and so I try to dispel the notion that Christians are “hung up” about sex as often as I can.
By the way–I’m booking now for Girl Talks in:
Alberta in May;
British Columbia, Washington state, and Oregon in March;
Florida, Mississippi, Alabama, and Louisiana in February;
and along the eastern seaboard in April.
If you have a church that may be interested, just email me! I’d love to include you.
(And if you want to make sure you’re notified if I’m ever speaking near you, just sign up for my emails!)
Trends in the Purity Culture that Worry Me
At the same time, not all news is positive. Here are some things I’m still worried about:
7. Young Christians on social media are still pushing a very legalistic view of relationships
I’ve noticed that some of the younger Christians who are very influential on social media are still pushing a very legalistic view of dating. Even though the “fathers” and “mothers” of the movement have either fallen in scandal (like Bill Gothard and the Duggars) or have disavowed it (like Josh Harris), many who grew up in it are keeping it alive, and they’re influencing another generation to see dating in a legalistic way.
It seems to me that what many of these rules-centered approaches to relationships do is say “follow what we do for relationships” rather than “seek out The Spirit and ask Him”. Instead of following Jesus, we follow people. And that’s not healthy.
8. We’re STILL not talking about the “adult” expressions of the purity culture–and how that damages sex for women
The purity culture tends to be aimed at teens and young adults, saying that sex is so much of a temptation that you must limit all contact; that all boys will struggle with lust, and so girls must change their behaviour so boys don’t lust; and that you lose your purity once you have sex.
What we don’t talk about so much is that these same attitudes are still present in how we talk about sex in marriage. Men are considered to be so enslaved to lust that the only way to stop them from being tempted to lust after co-workers or look at pornography is for wives to have sex on a very frequent basis.
Please note: I’m all for frequent sex! I’ve written a book called 31 Days to Great Sex. I completely agree that sex should be frequent.
But the WHY matters. When we talk about sex as something that the man needs, or else he’ll be tempted, we make wives feel like objects. We make it sound like only men have sex drives, which makes women think that they don’t. We make it sound like what men really need is physical release, when both men and women were designed to need real, intimate connection through sex.
The purity culture and the “every man’s battle” culture are just two different sides of the same coin. We can’t really have healthy sexuality until we properly address the shortcomings and distorted teachings of the “every man’s battle” crowd, too.
You may also enjoy these posts:
My Series on Why We Shouldn’t Assume that All Men Lust
Why Women’s Sexual Pleasure Matters, too
9. Some are throwing the baby out with the bathwater–thinking that because the purity culture is wrong, then purity isn’t a legitimate aim
I believe the purity culture is off-base, but I also believe that God designed sex to be for marriage only, for very good reasons.
Unfortunately, because so many were seriously harmed by the purity culture, many are calling the teaching that sex is designed for marriage to be at the root of the problem.
I think over the next few years we’re going to see a new battle develop where many in the church will try to redefine sexual ethics so that sex outside of marriage is no longer frowned upon. I hope that I’m wrong, but I don’t think I am. I do believe we should have great sex in marriage. I don’t believe that sex before marriage steals something from you permanently that is irrevocable, and I do believe that we should stop shaming people. But I still think that sex is too important to treat casually, and that God had very good reasons for asking us to wait. I hope that people can get the balance right before the pendulum swings too hard the other way.
10. Christians as a whole are not disavowing those who have done evil
As people are leaving the purity culture for a more grace-filled perspective on chastity, many who have believed the purity culture are panicking. And in their panic they have been defending the very people who make their cause look bad. When the Duggar abuse scandal broke, for instance, people were defending the Duggars, even though they didn’t deal with their daughters’ abuse properly. It was largely non-Christians who were jumping to the aid of the victims, and Christians who were petitioning to keep the Duggars on the air.
When your cause starts to crumble, we tend to circle the wagons, instead of recognizing that maybe we need to ditch the wagon. Our response should not be, “how will this hurt the church?” but rather, “how can we purge the church from this evil?” I hope we start getting this right.
What You Can Do to Change the Culture’s View on Sexuality
Culture is never permanent. We’re always changing, and we’re in a state of flux right now. And all of us, together, create Christian culture. So what are we going to do to influence it in a positive direction?
I hope we can talk about that in the comments, but here are a few thoughts I have:
Watch the Josh Harris documentary, even with some friends, and start a conversation
When you hear someone espousing the purity culture, push back. Often we’re silent because the more conservative one appears more spiritual. Not true.
When you hear someone laying the blame for men’s lust at women’s feet, push back.
When sexual abuse is exposed in the Christian church, stand with the victim.
Include single people in your social gatherings. Let’s not make marriage an idol in the church.
What other ideas do you have? Let’s talk in the comments!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
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November 19, 2018
Reader Question: My Husband Refuses to Talk About Important Stuff
What do you do when your husband refuses to talk about serious marriage issues?
We’re talking about intimacy this month on To Love, Honor and Vacuum, and over the last week I’ve had a number of people write in about husbands who refuse to talk and refuse to engage about important issues, and they’re at a loss. It reminded me of this post I wrote two years ago on having important conversations even if a husband is reluctant, and I thought it was important to rerun again.
I received a reader question from a woman whose husband’s view of sex is marred by prior porn use, and now he won’t talk about it. She writes:
Reader Question
My husband and I both grew up in very conservative Mennonite communities. Nevertheless, my husband was still introduced to porn at a real young age.
We got married young and he knew all about sex due to porn but that’s all it’s ever been in our marriage. Sex. He doesn’t understand anything about foreplay, and while reading your blog post about the 10 ways porn can ruin a mind I saw our marriage and sex life in almost every point.
About 3 months ago he got tired of trying on his own to quit his porn addiction and accepted help from a friend. Now his good friend is his accountability partner and he’s only slipped up once or twice in 3 months. That is Amazing.
But on the other hand he won’t seek help with his misconceptions about sex. After sex he’s ready to roll over and sleep it all off, I’ve never climaxed and truth be told I’ve only been ‘turned on’ about twice in our marriage.
I’ve read some amazing books describing how sex is supposed to be in a Christian marriage and I’m willing to work on it but he isn’t. He thinks it should be something that comes to him naturally and is ashamed to ask questions.
I’m in a bind. I want to love sex. But I don’t know how to broach the subject of seeking help without him getting depressed about it.
At first glance, this question looks like it’s about sex. It’s actually not. It’s about how we, as wives, can get conversations going about important things when our husbands refuse to talk!
But nevertheless, let’s deal with the sex stuff first:
If your husband doesn’t understand about foreplay, it’s likely because his body just works so much differently than yours and he just honestly doesn’t get it. And because sex is all messed up in his brain because of the porn, it’s a source of stress, and that’s why he doesn’t want to talk about it.
So two quick suggestions: I’ve got a really funny video you can show him in this post on foreplay which can help the conversation. Sometimes humour can get things going, and this is seriously funny!
The second is to work through 31 Days to Great Sex with him. It’s a book I wrote where everyday has a new challenge. You just read and then you do what it says. And that often makes these conversations much easier. When you’re just doing what a book says, it doesn’t feel as vulnerable or scary. And some of the early challenges will help him to understand how to turn you on. Some of the later ones will help you talk about the effects that porn has had on how he sees sex, and how to help sex become more mutual. And the ebook version is only $4.99, so it’s a really cheap way to get things going!
But now I want to talk about the bigger issue that I see in this letter, one that applies to all of us, no matter what the issue is:
Why do we think that if a husband doesn’t want to talk about something, that it therefore won’t get talked about?
I see this dynamic a lot. A woman will want to talk about the finances in her marriage, and he’ll get upset and leave the room, and she’ll feel, “well, he refuses to talk about it, so there’s nothing I can do.”
Or, as in this case, a woman will bring something up, and he’ll get depressed, so she’ll back off, because she doesn’t want to cause discomfort.
Hold on a second.
If something is hurting your marriage, it matters.
If your husband wants to cut off a conversation about something, that does not mean that the conversation stops. It only stops if you let it stop.
And why do we let it stop?
Because ultimately we think that our experience in marriage does not matter as much as his.
Too often women think their own happiness in marriage doesn't matter at all. Click To Tweet
Please hear me on this: Precious readers, you matter.
If sex is painful and he doesn’t care, that matters.
If he is angry a lot and yells a lot, that matters.
If you don’t feel safe, that matters.
If he won’t let you know about your financial situation, that matters.
If you simply feel lonely, even if nothing tangible is really wrong, that still matters.
And do you know why it matters? Because you matter.
Jesus loves you. You are precious. And your husband is not more precious than you are.
Now, you aren’t more precious than your husband, either, but God does not want your husband to get all of his needs met and you to get none of yours met.
You matter to God. He sees and He cares.
So why don’t we have these important discussions when our husbands refuse to continue conversations?
Because too often we women don’t feel like we have a right to.
It’s as simple as that.
I’m not saying you should be rude and yell at him. Not at all! But when we understand that we matter, and that intimacy is only attainable when we both feel heard, understood, and accepted, then we won’t allow difficult conversations to be avoided.
Ask yourself: what is the most important thing here?
Yes, he will feel awkwardness and discomfort if you have this conversation. She says that she doesn’t know how to talk about it without him getting depressed. You’re right; he may initially feel depressed.
But why does him feeling depressed stop a conversation that is absolutely vital to have? Why do so many women decide, “it is better for me to have an incredible amount of pain than for him to have some minor pain”?
This is such a huge problem that I have seen over and over again in marriages, and it’s a large part of why I wrote 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage. About 3 chapters in the book are dedicated to this dynamic where women mistakenly believe that if there’s a problem, we need to fix it all by ourselves or learn to live with it. We try to be peacekeepers rather than peacemakers.
And then what happens?
When we allow him to refuse to talk about an important issue, we lose all hopes at true intimacy.
Here’s another dynamic I have seen: a woman has a legitimate issue in the marriage. If she raises it, he gets angry or depressed, so she backs off. She acts as if everything is all right, because this is her way of respecting and loving him.
He enjoys the marriage because he gets what he wants. But then something happens. The happier he gets, the more resentful she gets. She knows that he doesn’t know her heart. She knows that his happiness is based on a lie.
Outwardly everything is great. But inwardly, she’s becoming more and more miserable. One day that misery will turn into real anger. How could he not love her enough to want to know the real her?
But how did this all get started? Because at the very beginning, she allowed her own feelings to be overlooked.
And so let me say this, loud and clear this morning:
It’s not just about his refusal to talk; it’s also about how we respond to that.
I have known several marriages where the husband walked all over the wife and where the wife was very miserable. Then the wife died, and the husband remarried. And within 6 months the husband had quit drinking, lost some weight, stopped swearing, and had generally become a more pleasant person. In many cases the kids were really resentful: why would Dad clean himself up for her, but not for Mom, who stood by him for so many years?
But the answer is quite simple. The new wife knew what she was worth, and wouldn’t put up with that kind of behaviour.
That’s much easier to do when you’re older (as these new wives were) and much harder when you’re younger. And too often in those first few years of marriage we start really bad patterns of communication that affect the next few decades of our lives. So let’s get this right!
A better way: How to have those difficult conversations, even when he refuses to talk
If your husband refuses to talk about an important issue, here's how to start that conversation.Click To Tweet
Maybe it’s time to start having some of those difficult conversations. Maybe it’s time to reverse some very negative patterns of interaction that can easily lead to resentment, bitterness, and a loss of intimacy. Maybe it’s time to fight for your marriage!
So pray and ask God to help you to see your husband’s heart and what the issues really are. Help him to prepare your heart and to see yourself with God’s eyes. And then you can say something like this (using the letter writer’s scenario as an example):
I can see that talking about this is making you uncomfortable, and I don’t want you to be sad. But you know what I want more? I want us to feel alive and close and madly in love! I want us to have everything that God wants for our marriage, because I love you so much that I refuse to settle for less.
So if you don’t want to talk about this now, that’s okay. We won’t. But this isn’t going away. And if we don’t talk about it now, we’ll have to talk about it tomorrow, or the day after that. Because it’s important. Our marriage is too important to NOT talk about it.
I love you. I want to have amazing sex with you. I want to feel real passion. But I don’t right now, because I think we’re missing out on the way it’s supposed to be. Sex is supposed to be about us both feeling amazing and feeling love, and right now, I have to tell you, it just feels like I’m being used. And I’m not willing to just be used. I think that will make me resentful in the long run, and it won’t help you to feel loved either.
So I want to make love with you. I want to have tons of sex with you. But I will only do that if we talk about this first and start looking into how to make me feel good. I will no longer have sex again with you until we talk about this. It’s too important, and I’m going to fight for this, because we matter–us together.
And then you follow through.
Maybe it’s time to break that silence and have some uncomfortable conversations.
Fight for your marriage, because, dear reader: You matter.
Please note: if having this kind of conversation could cause you to become unsafe, and if you’re honestly scared of your husband, then you are likely in an abusive marriage and you need to get help. If you feel as if your safety is at risk, please call the police or a local abuse hotline. If you feel as if your husband will get angry or emotionally abuse you, please seek out a good counsellor to help you through confronting him and having these difficult conversations, and perhaps start with this post on emotionally destructive marriages.
Let me know in the comments: Have you ever had to have a difficult conversation? What happened?
I wrote a number of posts to help figure out how to have those difficult conversations with your husband! These may help:
10 Ways to Talk So Your Husband will Hear
The One Big Trick to Resolving Marriage Problems
When your Husband Doesn’t Understand: Is it His Problem or Yours?
Author
Social Media
Sheila's Best Posts
Books
Courses
Freebie
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
November 16, 2018
Making Decisions as a Couple: 4 Questions to Ask
With thanks to Harper Collins for sponsoring this post on behalf of The Indivisible Devotional.
How do you make decisions as a couple when those decisions seem destined to pull you apart?
Two weeks ago I told you about Indivisible, a thought-provoking new marriage movie based on the life of army chaplain Darren Turner and his wife Heather. Darren was deployed to Afghanistan, and there started questioning his faith. He came home a different person, and they had to find their way back together again. One of my favourite quotes from the movie, that summed up so much of its theme, was this:
Fear. Anger. Pain. I can handle that. What I can’t handle is the distance. You’re shutting me out. That’s what hurts.
We need to stay together by not shutting each other out! And that’s what the makers of Indivisible are passionate about. So they’ve come out with a devotional for couples that you can work through, so that BEFORE the crisis hits, you’ve thought through some of these problems. People are always asking me for a devotional to recommend, and I’ve enjoyed going through this one.
I was thinking about what to share with you from it, and naturally I thought of my own marriage. I can think of four periods that threatened to pull us apart. The first was when we had issues with sex, which I’ve shared about a lot in my books. But the others are a little different. One was when Keith was in crisis in medical school, and it seemed like he wanted to throw away the life we had decided upon. One was more recent, when we were both starting to lead separate lives. And one was when our son was desperately ill.
When I was 22 weeks pregnant with him, we discovered that he had a serious heart defect that would require major surgical intervention. Even then, his chances of recovery were slim. So all through the rest of the pregnancy, we were trying to make decisions about what to do. Keith wrestled with feeling that we had to do everything we possibly could, including putting him on a heart transplant list. I felt like if things went a certain way, we shouldn’t intervene. We should let him go, because the thought of causing him pain over something that likely wouldn’t work was too much for me to bear.
My favourite picture of me with my son.
So besides trying to carry the grief that we had, knowing what was coming, we were also wracked with how to make this life and death decision. And it was tearing us apart.
Some decisions are like that. Some honestly are life and death. Others are not life and death, but they feel vitally important: should we move to a different city? Should we homeschool our kids? And then there are the more mundane ones which still have the power to wrest us apart: should we spend Christmas with your family again or with mine? How do you make these decisions well, understanding that you still want to stay a unit?
How do you make decisions as a couple when those decisions seem destined to pull you apart?Click To Tweet
Here’s what the devotional says:
The Deciding Factor
Proverbs 16:1-3 NLT
We can make our own plans, but the LORD gives the right answer. People may be pure in their own eyes, but the LORD examines their motives. Commit your actions to the LORD , and your plans will succeed.
Making decisions and evaluating choices create some of the constant stresses and issues we deal with in our marriages. And often, the sheer volume of decisions at hand is overwhelming. Will we take a decision too lightly, make it hastily without enough information, and then regret it for years? Or stress, worry, and lose sleep for a week, struggling over a crossroads? Point A or B? Success or failure? One of our toughest jobs is making the hard decisions together when so much can be riding on what we choose.
Here are four practical questions to help you navigate life decisions together.
1. Has God already given you the answer?
The Bible has literally thousands of commands, precepts, and principles for how to live. Seeking out and searching in God’s Word can bring many of our answers to light. While there certainly won’t be a chapter and verse for “Lord, should we buy this house or not?” there is plenty of practical advice on how to best make a major decision. When faced with a tough choice, dig into the Word and ask God for His wisdom.
2. Has God taught you anything in the past that could apply to your current decision?
God loves us enough to often work in patterns in our lives, so we can determine when He is at work versus when it’s our own doing. Watch for those familiarities, and learn His ways in your life. He knows you, so He’s constantly leaving you a trail to His path. Your past and God’s presence can bring His light into your future.
3. Has God already made provision for what you are asking?
This is applied when you are looking not just for an answer but actual provision for a need. There are many times in life where He has already provided, and we just haven’t put two and two together yet. For example, a couple has a sudden financial need and begins to pray for provision, all the while forgetting that last month a surprise bonus was paid at work that they decided to earmark for vacation. Sometimes God provides His answers in advance of the need, and we can’t overlook those connections.
4. Why would God not want you to do it?
Looking at a decision from the other side can sometimes help you see the right choice. While it is fine to discuss why God might not want you to do something and evaluate the potential problems as well as blessings, there are times when He wants us to move forward in faith. We just need to give Him authority over our steps. Walking is simply a repeated pattern of the same movement.
As today’s verses tell us, the Lord has the right answers for our lives, and we will find them when we commit our actions to Him.
Creating Connection
Discussing and praying together to make the right decision can be a spiritually bonding dynamic in marriage. Is there a decision on the table in your home right now? Use the four questions and explanations in the previous section to work through your decision. By working through these questions, open dialogue and honest prayer will not only help you make a mutual decision, but also grow you together in relationship and maturity in the Lord.
1. Did filtering your choices through the questions help? How?
2. Which question helped the most?
3. Do you as a couple need to become more consistent in prayer and searching God’s Word for the answers you need in life? If so, discuss how.
God’s will is not hide-and-seek but seek-and-find.
When I look back on our situation with Christopher, what I didn’t understand was that #3 was at work at the time. We were making everything into a moral question–“is it wrong to do this? Is it wrong to do that?”–when, in the end, none of that came to pass.
We didn’t have to make a decision about a heart transplant list, or about just letting him go. There were no heart-wrenching decisions; there was only one obvious way forward. God had already made provision so that we didn’t have to go through all that turmoil. We could just try to enjoy the time we did have with him. We wasted a lot of time worrying because we didn’t understand that God’s provision was real, and that He was carrying us through that time.
The lesson for me in that is that sometimes, when you’re trying to make a decision about “what ifs”, you need to wait on God’s provision.
At other times in our marriage, when other decisions confounded us, one of the other questions from the devotional applied better (when it came to homeschooling our kids, we asked #4–and realized that there were no good reasons for us NOT homeschooling, so we did!). But with all things, if we’re going to stay indivisible, we have to keep our eyes on each other, and on God, and never let the thing we’re deciding on become bigger than the love that we have for each other.
If we're going to stay indivisible, we have to keep our eyes on each other and God, and never let the thing we're deciding on become bigger than our love for each otherClick To Tweet
Take a look at the
Indivisible Devotional–50 Devotions to help you have One Marriage Under God.
Whether you are newlywed or have been married for many years, Indivisible offers the opportunity to have an even deeper relationship with the one you love. It covers important topics, like not becoming a chameleon and blending in, but remembering who you individually were made to be in your marriage; understanding your nonverbal communication; even discovering your marriage mission.
If you want to grow indivisible, pick it up today!
Do you find one of those decision-making questions more helpful as you wrestle through decisions? What has resonated best with you? Let’s talk in the comments!
November 15, 2018
Is Youth Group a Safe Place for Your Kids?
We were very close. We did everything together. They were my lifeline.
Over the years we lost touch, but last week I had a thought, and I contacted a whole bunch of them to see about a reunion (it’s been 30 years since I graduated high school). We’re trying to plan one now!
One thing that was neat about reconnecting with everyone was realizing that in our small group of 12, 5 are now in ministry, and only one has divorced. Most are following God. But at the time, we all definitely had issues (and not everyone believed at all).
But our youth group was a safe place, and we were encouraged to go deep with God. It wasn’t all flashy about youth rallies or the typical youth talks about not bowing to peer pressure, etc. We did real Bible studies. And it had a great effect on me long term.
People who made a big difference in my life! Our youth leaders Gord and Brenda (front at either end), two of my best friends, and three parents. We were a great community!
(Incidentally, I think my mom must have been taking this picture. She should have been in it!)
Because I was thinking about that lately, I remembered a post I had written a few years ago on whether or not youth group was still a safe place for kids.
And I thought it might be worth talking about again!
So here’s what I wrote back then:
In a post where I was writing about how to make it more likely kids will stay Christian, I noted that children of Christian parents who went to Christian schools or were homeschooled were far more likely to still embrace Christ as adults than were kids who went to public schools. I had some push back in the comments from people saying that you really shouldn’t shelter your kids, and the public schools need them there to be missionaries anyway.
I understand that point of view, but two other events lately have made me wonder if we ask more of Christian teens than we would ever ask of ourselves.
1. Several people I know recently quit jobs and took new ones because they found their work environment toxic
2. A youth group I know has fallen on hard times because the vision has become blurry
Let me explain how both of these things relate, by looking at the pressure we often put on Christian teens. Personally, I believe that Christian kids NEED a place where they can be safe; where they can be with other Christians and just talk about God and feel accepted and feel loved and feel relaxed. I think that place should be a youth group, because they should be getting that Christian fellowship inside the church so that they can go and minister outside (and just LIVE outside).
But with the way that many churches structure youth programs, they don’t have that. Most churches see youth group as an outreach, so that kids no longer have a place where they can be with Christian friends.
Here, then, is what happens to these kids:
We say to Christian teens in youth groups:
You are the light of the world. You need to be a light in your high school. Go there and minister, even if the culture is completely anti-Christian, even if you are mocked, even if you are bullied, even if you have no friends. And then come back to youth group where you’ll do the same thing.
Now, we may not say that in so many words, but many kids have very toxic schools, and they can’t escape. If adults had to spend all their time in an environment with people who chose very different lifestyles, who pressured them to do things they didn’t want to do, and where they had little in common with anybody, those adults would likely leave. As I said, I know several adults who have recently left jobs behind because the environment was just too toxic.
We have the luxury of doing that. Kids do not. It’s very difficult to change public high schools.
If you’re in a bad environment as a teen, you’re stuck.
Now, not all teens have horrible high school experiences. My husband certainly didn’t, and I got through school simply by focusing more on my part-time jobs and my (healthy) youth group and ignoring the kids I went to school with. Yet there’s no doubt that many kids find high school extremely emotionally difficult, largely because the culture is so antithetical to what they believe.
Those kids especially need a safe place where they can be accepted and where they can talk about their faith–namely a strong youth group.
What about the argument, “yes, but isn’t youth group supposed to be a mission field?” That’s certainly valid. But here’s the thing: the adults who spend all their time among people who disagree, and who have very different lifestyles, and who are difficult, tend to be missionaries. They aren’t “regular” adults, because the “regular” adults tend to take jobs with people who are like them, or at least whom they find friendly and interesting. When they’re in a toxic environment at work, they often leave (if they can).
Now, I do believe in missions and outreach, but we don’t require all adults to do this full-time. We do, however, ask it of teens.
We ask Christian teens to go into what is more or less a very hostile environment for them, their entire working day, while we do not ask the same of ourselves. Then we ask them to continue that environment at the place where they are supposed to be fed.
My kids do not go to public high school, but that doesn’t mean that they don’t spend any time witnessing. I can’t go into too much detail on a public blog, but let’s just say that they each are involved in part-time jobs and extracurricular activities where they talk a lot about God to people who aren’t Christian. They do what we ask adults to do; they just simply aren’t immersed in a negative culture 100% of the day.
Here’s another thing: when we send out adult missionaries, we train them for it. They expect opposition, and they learn to deal with it. When we send Christian teens into a negative environment, we expect them to handle it, even though they are only teens. And we don’t always give them a place to be fed in return.
If teens struggle, I’ve heard people say the equivalent of, “we can’t take them out, because they need to be missionaries“. That doesn’t wash with me, because we don’t even ask ADULT Christians to do that. (whether or not we should ask adults to do that is another story). So if your teen is really struggling in high school, or is becoming very depressed, then we parents should take that under consideration, rather than feeling that they should suck it up because it’s a mission field.
But that’s not the only problem with the way we’re raising Christian teens in outreach oriented youth groups. When adults are involved in a church community, we expect to be fed.
We form small groups so that we can talk with other adults about Scripture, and pray for each other, and wrestle through the hard things in life. Then we also have outreach activities. We reach out to neighbours and invite them to church. We volunteer in the community. In short, we do both. We get fed, but we also do outreach.
When it comes to teens, though, we often ignore the “feeding” part. Most churches see youth groups as one of their main outreach platforms. We want to get as many teens out to youth group as possible, so we make it a fun, relevant night for teens in general. We don’t go deep into Scripture. We just present the gospel, or a watered down version of it, so that other kids will feel comfortable. Our main emphasis is on helping non-churched kids feel comfortable.
Again, this is a very worthy and important goal. If a church is not involved in outreach, then the church will die, and it is not fulfilling the mission that Jesus set for us in Matthew 28:19-20. But if you look more carefully at those verses, it is not only about outreach. Jesus said:
Matthew 18:19-20
Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything that I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always to the end of the age.
We are to do outreach, but we are also to feed those who have already accepted Christ.
We are to do both outreach and discipleship–or feeding the flock.
When youth groups are too focused on outreach, then those who want to go deeper with Christ often don’t have a place where they can study the Scripture or ask the hard questions. And so these kids flounder, and become otherwise disillusioned. Most churches are too focused on adult growth and not enough on adult outreach. We let adults in the pews have it pretty cushy. We go to small groups and Bible studies and have friends and don’t really do enough reaching into the community.
But at the same time, I think we ask too much of our teens. We ask them to focus only on outreach, but we don’t give them enough time and opportunity to really grow in the Word. Most of our teen activities are oriented around outreach, and not around spiritual growth. So we expect our kids to be missionaries in hostile environments, even when we ourselves would not be, and we expect our kids’ involvement in church to be oriented around outreach, even when ours is not.
Perhaps the answer is found in the middle; we need to give our teens opportunity to grow, and not expect them to be mature missionaries at 14. But we also need to make ourselves get out of our pews and do more outreach ourselves, rather than relying on the kids’ and teens’ programs to grow our churches.
My rule of thumb when it comes to teens is that we should never ask them to do more for God than we are willing to do ourselves.
If we do, then we’re not being good stewards either of the children that God has given us, or of the mission that God has given us to the wider world.
So, to sum up: no, we should not shelter our children unnecessarily. We need them to be involved in outreach. But we also need to recognize that they are still young Christians, and giving them opportunity for growth, and protection from attack, is not unreasonable as parents.
When I think back to my own youth group experience, in retrospect, we weren’t focused on outreach, though we did bring friends at times. We had real Bible studies–not just looking at fads like “why teens don’t like the church” or things like that. We actually went through parables, or one of the epistles together. We prayed.
Not everyone was a Christian at the time, though almost all are now. Not all of us took it seriously then, though we almost all do now. But we all came out, week in and week out, because it mattered and we had good friends. And I honestly think it made a difference in our lives.
What do you think of your own youth group experience? Do we ask too much of teens? Let’s talk in the comments!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
November 14, 2018
The Search for Intimacy: When Your Husband Doesn’t Care About Your Emotional Needs
Do you feel like your husband doesn’t care about your emotional needs?
This month, on Wednesdays, we’re talking about intimacy on three levels–emotional, spiritual, and physical, and how we can feel closer. Last Wednesday I introduced our theme for the month, talking about how God designed us for intimate relationships, and how it’s that intimacy that keeps us happy and healthy throughout our lives. It really does matter.
And yet all too often we do things that make intimacy hard to attain.
God created us for intimacy on different levels, too. And today I want to talk about that quest to feel close to our husbands–to feel that he truly loves us.
I received this letter from a reader recently which is quite similar to many desperate cries that I read. She writes:
Reader Question
I’m feeling hopeless in my marriage. I’m a very affectionate individual and it is not difficult for me to pre-organise anniversary plans for birthdays, Christmas, etc.. My husband on the other side comes from a completely different background. He didn’t grow up celebrating anything and he didn’t grow up in a home where a family is loving. I’ve always had attention and affection given to me by my parents. Now I’ve been struggling with that lack of communication and affection for five years, and he just doesn’t plan anything. I’ve been so miserable lately because I feel that I’m only good enough for sex. There’s no intimacy. I am so drained and I’ve spoken to him many times but I’m at a point in my life where I’ll just compliment myself and buy myself gifts, but that will just frustrate me more. I am a born again Christian and heaven knows I’ve been pleading for my marriage to better.
I see this a lot, though sometimes it’s with slightly different issues. She feels unloved because she feels as if he doesn’t make an effort, and so she pulls away further.
And she feels hopeless.
When you feel like your husband doesn’t care about you, there are really only two options. Either:
your husband truly doesn’t care that you are upset and that you are hurting, or he may even revel in it; or
there’s simply a disconnect between you, where you both love each other, but you’re not able to feel it right now.
Now, #1 definitely does happen. Some spouses truly don’t care, and even take perverse pleasure in wounding their spouse. If that’s the case for you, I’d highly recommend my friend Natalie’s book Is It Me: Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage. She’s posted before for me about emotional abuse, and she’s an amazing writer.
But #1, statistically, is not that common. Yes, it happens, and I’ve talked about emotional abuse a lot on this blog. But most marriages are not emotionally abusive. In most marriages, both spouses truly do want the best for each other. What happens, though, is that because we have different primary ways of feeling loved, we focus on what we need, and not on what our spouse needs. And we create a disconnect that doesn’t need to be there.
Looking at your husband’s failings may be natural; but it is also completely counterproductive if you want to feel close.
Quite frankly, she needs to stop doing that. And if you’re in her shoes, I’d say this to you (and sorry if it’s harsh):
Stop looking at yourself, just for a little bit, and look at things from your husband’s perspective.
Here’s a guy that you know does love you. He does want the best for you. So how about asking yourself these two questions:
How is he showing it?
How does he want to feel close?
In the vast majority of marriages, I can guarantee you that he believes that he is showing her that he loves her (even though she’s not feeling it), and that’s making him supremely frustrated. And he is hurting, too, because he wants to feel close to her, but she is pulling away.
Looking at your husband’s failings may be natural; but it is also completely counterproductive if you want to feel closeClick To Tweet
I have seen this dynamic in marriages of people that I know. They are so sure that they are the “good” ones in the marriage, who do everything right for the spouse, and the spouse is the sluggard who never thinks of the other. And yet to those on the outside, we can see that he’s trying to love her the best he knows how, and she’s constantly criticizing him and putting him down. And it’s so sad.
I don’t want you to talk past each other. I want you to bridge the gap!
So try these mind shifts to bring emotional intimacy:
Ask yourself: What can I be grateful to my husband for today?
Notice what he’s doing. Scan for the good that he does. Say a prayer of gratitude for it, and then speak it out loud. That one shift will help you to see the good in him far more than focusing on all the things that he fails at!
I think there’s a reason that Paul reminds us:
1 Thessalonians 5:18
In everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus, concerning you.
It’s God’s will that we focus on being grateful. Why? Because when we say thanks, we get our eyes off of ourselves and onto what we have to be thankful for. This was a major “thought” for me in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, and I explained it this way:
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
When we look for the bad, we’ll see the bad. But this can work to our advantage too. When we choose to look for the good things that our husbands do, we also tend to notice those things more. In fact, we’ll notice them so much that we often will fail to notice when they do things that are more likely to tick us off.
And that’s how God created our minds to work. Whatever we focus on expands. If you focus on God’s goodness and on being thankful for your marriage, you will tend to notice the things that you have to be grateful about. When you focusing on the things that bug you, you will tend to feel significantly more bugged.
So choose to focus on the good!
Ask yourself: how does my husband feel close to me?
Our letter writer has explained that she feels loved when he buys gifts, when he’s affectionate, and when he pre-plans things to show that he’s thought of her. This is how she was raised, and this is what she associates with feeling loved. But this isn’t how he was raised, and he likely doesn’t put a lot of value in these things. That doesn’t mean that they don’t matter–only that they matter far more to her than they do to him.
What this means is that she can pre-plan dates and anniversary nights all she wants, and he may go along with it, but it doesn’t necessarily connect with him. She feels like she’s doing all the work in the marriage, but here’s what I really want you all to understand: he may feel exactly the same way. If they feel loved differently, and she is doing all of this work being affectionate and pre-planning dates, and he experiences love another way, and he’s putting effort into that area, then they could be talking past each other.
That’s why it’s so crucial to ask: what does my husband need to feel loved? And though we all have different love languages, in all the work I’ve done with marriage, I’ve found that two things are almost universal: Feeling appreciated, and feeling sexually desired.
So let’s look at feeling appreciated. Men tend to put work into the areas where they feel competent. That’s why if a man feels he’s lousy at marriage he’ll start working more, or playing on the computer more. He retreats to areas of competence. Make your man feel incompetent and irrelevant, and he very well may retreat. I’m not saying that’s right–I’m just saying that’s what happens, again and again.
Then, of course, there’s sex. I know some men don’t want sex, and if you’re the higher drive wife, I’ve got a series on what to do if your husband doesn’t want sex! But for most men, enthusiasm for sex tends to equate with love for them. When you start refusing sex, your husband will feel like you’re rejecting him entirely.
And here’s a cool thing about sex: when we make love, we release the bonding hormone “oxytocin”, which makes us feel more affectionate and loving to the other person. So the more you make love, chances are the more affectionate your husband will be, anyway!
Ask yourself: how can I bridge the gap?
One of the main themes in the New Testament is that we need to take care of our own stuff first before we try to deal with someone else’s stuff (Matthew 7:1-3).
Philippians 2:3-5
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus.
Paul also told us, in Romans 12:18: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Sometimes it doesn’t depend on you, absolutely. But God asks you to do what you can. God asks you to not just focus on what you need, but also on what your husband needs.
God asks us to not just focus on what we need, but also on what our husbands need. Here's how we can bridge that gap!Click To Tweet
Can you do what you can to bridge the gap? As you do that, you bring the tension level down. Your husband feels more accepted, and so he’s more open with you. You can laugh again. You’ll feel closer. You’ll start noticing the good that he is doing (because most men are doing good). And then, as the tension level decreases, it’s easier to say things like,
“Honey, I love you so much. You do an awesome job for us. You know what would make me feel so special? If you planned a birthday dinner for me. I’ve made a list of 15 things that I enjoy doing, and I’d absolutely love it if you picked one and planned it for us to do together.”
Can I issue you this intimacy challenge?
If you’re feeling like your husband doesn’t love you, doesn’t care about you, and is hopeless, try these things for two weeks:
Thank him once a day for something that he is doing
Have sex more frequently
Say prayers of gratitude for the good you see in your husband.
See if your relationship changes!
Look, you can keep being bitter and feeling like it’s all his fault. But that will get you absolutely nowhere. So why not try this?
These are the kinds of challenges I issued, by the way, in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage. After talking about how to bridge the gap as far as it depends on you, I then talk about how to address real issues that do need to be resolved. Check out the book here!
Now let me know–do you and your husband ever talk past each other? What helped you bridge the gap? Let’s talk in the comments!
Author
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Sheila's Best Posts
Books
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
Like this post? You should also check out:
One Thing Most Couples Get Wrong about Date Night
50 Conversation Starters for Couples
10 Ways to Signal Yes to Your Husband
November 13, 2018
10 Reasons Why Your Wife Doesn’t Want to Have Sex
I have a lot of guys who read the blog, and I get tons of emails from guys, and the most common problem I hear about is, “my wife never wants sex!”
So today I want to present 10 of the most common reasons I’ve come across why a woman may say “no”. If you’re one of my female readers, read the list, and if you think I’m missing something, chime in in the comments! And if you’re a guy, read the list and see if any resonate with you–and then talk to your wife about them. (And if that’s hard to do, here’s a post I wrote a while ago to start get the conversation about valuing sex in marriage going).
If your wife never says yes to sex, one of these might be the reason whyClick To Tweet
So here are 10 reasons a woman doesn’t want sex:
1. She doesn’t feel connected to you.
In The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I summed it up this way:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
Men make loved in order to feel loved, whereas women need to feel loved in order to make love.
To a woman, to have sex after you haven’t talked much in a while feels strange at best, and insulting or degrading at worst. If you haven’t shown that you care what’s going on in her heart, and if you haven’t shared your heart, it’s hard for her to want to open up. For her, sex means getting physically vulnerable. That’s hard to do. If she doesn’t feel as if you’ve been emotionally vulnerable, then sex is often off the table.
For you, of course, sex is often the doorway into emotional vulnerability, since you feel so close to her afterwards. But realize that for her, she needs you to open up first. So spend some time talking and doing stuff together first! Some ideas:
The 20-minute a day marriage habit
79 Hobbies to do as a couple
2. She feels overwhelmed.
Women are multitaskers; because we feel so responsible for everyone in our lives, it’s hard for us to turn off the voices in our head that are always reminding us of things that need doing. We feel constant stress about stuff that needs to get done. If there are too many things on our plate, we won’t be able to relax at night. And because women need to be able to concentrate on sex in order for our bodies to feel good (if our heads aren’t in the game, our bodies won’t follow), then feeling overwhelmed kills our sex drive. For men, sex is nice distraction. For women, distractions make sex virtually impossible.
The solution? Help her not feel so overwhelmed! Talk to her about what’s on her plate. Help her through figuring out how to say no to some things. Help her with some of the evening routines, like making lunches for the next day or putting kids in bed. Spend the last 15 minutes of the day helping her think through and talk through what needs to be done tomorrow, so that she can let it go.
3. She has tunnel vision (often for the kids; or for her job)
When something is on our minds, it’s difficult to stop obsessing about it. While men often operate in boxes, and can switch from one box to the next, when something is really worrying us, or when there’s a big challenge ahead, it’s hard to put it aside. Whether it’s a sick child or a parent who is in trouble; a big project due at work; or a friend in crisis, if something is on our hearts, it’s hard to concentrate on sex (and again–sex needs our brain to be present!)
What to do: If she’s worried, listen to her. Let her talk. Pray with her. Be patient. Sometimes she needs the reminder to put things in God’s hands!
4. She’s simply exhausted.
Yes, sex helps you sleep better. But when you are really tired, sex doesn’t seem that appealing.
What to do: Too make you sure neither of you are too tired for sex, take the initiative in setting a bedtime for both of you. Go to bed at a decent hour every night, together. Take as much of the responsibility for some of the housework and childcare as you reasonably can. A good rule of thumb is this: If she is working, then you should be, too. After dinner, if she’s busy cleaning up or putting the kids to bed, then make sure you find a task that needs doing as well!
5. Sex doesn’t feel that great.
Let’s face it: men pretty much always climax during sex. Women don’t. And for many women, sex just doesn’t feel that great. Maybe orgasm is elusive for her. Maybe she’s never figured out how to make it feel good. Maybe she’s said to you, “It’s okay, honey, I don’t mind. I just like feeling close to you.” Eventually that gets old. And it’s hard to keep having sex year after year if she honestly doesn’t feel good.
The solution: Figure out how to make it feel good for her! Remember that her sexual pleasure matters (and talk to her about it, because she may have a hard time believing it!). Work through 31 Days to Great Sex with her, because it will help her figure out what feels good!
Like this post so far? You should also check out:
10 Ways Men Can Initiate Sex with Their Wives (Without Turning Her Off!)
Why Do I Never Want to Say Yes When My Husband Initiates Sex?
6. Sex feels degrading, like you’re using her.
God designed sex to be threefold: spiritually intimate (feeling like you’re one); emotionally intimate; and physically intimate. Unfortunately, sometimes in our culture we focus so much on the physical that sex actually becomes impersonal. If you’ve used porn, for instance, and she knows that you derive sexual pleasure from looking at other women, then she’ll feel like sex is dirty. You don’t really want HER; you just want release. And you may even be thinking about those images when you’re with her!
Now, that may not be the case. But if you’ve used porn, that’s often what she’ll fear. Show her that you’re getting real about addressing the porn issue in your life. Get Covenant Eyes on your computer. Join an accountability group. Tell her what steps you’re going to take to make sure that the next time you feel stressed, you’ll have something else to turn to rather than porn.
Or perhaps the problem is not with you at all. Perhaps she grew up with sex being used as a weapon against her, and she was abused or assaulted. Then it’s very hard to get excited about sex in your marriage. If that’s the case, help her get counselling, and encourage her to read The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex to get a different perspective on what sex is supposed to be.
7. Her hormone levels are all over the place.
Yes, hormones play a huge part in a woman’s libido! And when our hormones are out of whack, then our libido may be, too.
If you fear that there’s something really wrong, encourage her to see a doctor. But also educate yourselves on how to best support her hormones. Start eating real food, and not so much packaged foods. Exercise. Get good sleep.
8. She doesn’t feel a great need for it, but she does feel a need for other things.
For you, sex may be one of your primary needs. But if she lives a really busy life, her primary need may be something very different. Maybe what she needs to feel at peace is a few hours every week by herself, with no kids hanging off of her and no demands on her. Maybe she needs some time to read a book, pursue a hobby, or even just have a bubble bath. Ask her, “what do you currently feel like you have no time to do but, if you did it, it would help you feel like you’re on an even keel?” And then help her find time every week to do that one thing!
9. She hates her body.
You may look at her and want her. But if she feels as if she doesn’t measure up, then it’s hard for her to feel sexy.
So much of a woman’s libido is tied up in feeling like she is desired. The really miserable part for you men, though, is that it isn’t enough for you to actually desire her. She has to feel as if she’s worthy of being desired. And so if she feels fat, or if she feels as if her body has gone downhill, then it’s hard for her to feel uninhibited.
So boost her self-image! Don’t tell her that you don’t think she’s attractive, unless you want to kill your sex life. Talk to her about what specifically you like about her body. When you’re relaxing together, touch her there and tell her, “I love looking at this.” And tell her WHY you love her, too.
10. Your hygiene isn’t the best it could be.
Having unpleasant conversations is difficult, and many women just avoid them. I have so many women send me in questions saying, “How can I tell my husband that I don’t like making love to him when he hasn’t brushed his teeth first?” And this has been going on for years! They’ve been avoiding sex, or trying to make sex go as quickly as possible and getting very little out of it, because they’re afraid to say, “your breath stinks.”
This one is so easy to fix! Before you try to initiate sex with your wife, take a shower. Brush your teeth. And put on pyjamas with no holes in them! See if that makes a difference.
So there you go! 10 reasons why women often try to avoid sex. Remember–I also have several books and a course on how to boost your libido that can help women see sex differently. But today, I thought I’d help men try to see it from the wife’s point of view.
So, women, have I missed anything? Or guys, what do you think of this list? Let’s talk in the comments!
Like this post so far? You should also check out:
10 Ways Men Can Initiate Sex with Their Wives (Without Turning Her Off!)
Why Do I Never Want to Say Yes When My Husband Initiates Sex?
Are You Settling for a Dead Sex Life?
November 12, 2018
Reader Question: My Wife Says We Never Make Love
What does it mean if your wife says you never make love?
Every Monday I like to film an “Ask Sheila” video, and today’s is a sad one from a husband whose wife doesn’t want sex–and who feels that they are drifting apart. He writes:
Reader Question
My wife and I married 18 years ago. She will not initiate sex except maybe once every few months. I’m tired of the negative cloud over our home and I work as much as I can just to stay busy and stay out of her way.
I have stopped asking for sex and after a few weeks of no sex I get to my limit and I’ll casually ask her but she’s usually too tired or too sick or whatever and I drop it. She and I talked the other day and she told me that we have only made love 2 or 3 times ever. I asked her what she means by making love and she said, “Just figure it out.” I asked, “Come on, tell me what you mean,” and she said, “See you just wouldn’t understand.” I looked all over the web and I can’t find the answer. Can you tell me what she’s referring to?
Help!
Well, it’s hard to know without the exact context, but in my video today I give three possible interpretations. And I know these are hard to hear, but it’s important we talk about what real intimacy is.
I hope that helps! It honestly could be a whole variety of things. She could feel distant from you. She could feel as if sex is mostly for you, and never for her. She could have issues with sex in general. In all of these cases, what you really need to do is learn how to talk about this stuff and communicate about this stuff, and I know that’s hard. I hope that the video gave you some ideas to start.
Okay, now for some action steps.
If you’re a guy, and your wife says you never make love:
Read: Experiencing Spiritual Intimacy when you make love
Pick up: The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex
Work through: 31 Days to Great Sex.
Seriously, it will help! I just received a note from a woman who just read The Good Girl’s Guide who said:
So I read The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex approximately a year or so ago. At the time I was SEARCHING for answers to what was wrong with me. About why I thought the way I did, why I felt like I did, HOW my body works, addressing the wrong thinking I had about intimacy and sex, and quite honestly the effect on my husband. I was tired of the blah feeling I had about our sex life and intimate connection, or lack there of. To make a LONG story short through hard work on both our parts we are in a completely new, Better, and exciting place! We have been married 15 years (7 kids) and for the first time we KNOW each other on a level we feel like God intended for a husband and wife. Praise to the Lord Almighty we have been set free from the lies and know more truth than when we began this journey……also, wanted you to know a HUGE victory for myself personally is I just recently began to have orgasms for the first time!!!!!!!
Awesome.
If you’re a woman, and you feel like you’ve “never made love”:
Try reading The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex,
Read this post about what to do when sex doesn’t feel intimate
or take my Boost Your Libido course.
Or, if you struggle with dissociation, as this woman talked about doing, check out this post on how to stop fantasizing when you’re having sex.
God designed us for intimacy, and it makes me so sad to see so many couples missing out on this!
Sex is supposed to be wonderful on three levels: emotional, spiritual, and physical. The problem for men, I think, is that they focus a lot on the physical, and sometimes miss out on the need for the other two. For men, the physical is the gateway towards the other two levels of intimacy in many ways, and so if they’re connecting physically, they’ll feel closer. But for women, emotional intimacy especially is the gateway into the other ones. If she doesn’t feel emotionally close, then physical intimacy will feel like she’s being “used” (even if that’s the furthest thing from the husband’s mind).
When things work well, she’ll feel emotionally close, which will draw her into physical connection. He’ll feel physically close, which will draw him into emotional connection. Both will lead to them each feeling “spiritually” like one (which isn’t only about feeling close to God, but is also about feeling truly intimate). And that true oneness also comes from experiencing passion together, and getting to another “plane” with each other. It’s quite amazing.
But all too many couples are missing out on this. Again, from this man’s question, I can’t know which reason is the root problem. And many of you will feel the same way as this woman, with different reasons, too. I hope some of those resources can help.
What I really want to inspire you with, though, is this thought:
Sex is supposed to feel intimate. If it’s not, then DO something.
That’s the theme of what we’re talking about this month. God designed us for intimacy, with Himself and with others. It’s intimacy that makes our lives feel at peace. Nothing else can do that. So this is important stuff. Don’t settle for blah. Figure it out! And like the woman who wrote in after reading The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex–you just may find there’s a whole new life at the other side.
Now let’s talk in the comments: If a woman says “we’ve never made love”, what do you think she means?
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Find Sheila Here:
Facebook
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Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
Does Your Sex Life Need a Pick-Me-Up?Maybe it's gotten stale. Maybe it's never felt that great. Or maybe you just feel like you're missing something!
November 9, 2018
Enthusiasm: The Secret Ingredient to Intimacy
Looking for a great gift to give to an engaged couple that will help them get spiritually prepared for marriage?
Are you half of an engaged couple and want to enter marriage prayerfully and thoughtfully?
Gary Thomas’ newest book, Preparing Your Heart for Marriage: Devotions for Engaged Couples offers focused spiritual preparation for couples who are planning to get married. The second half of this devotional goes through every phrase of the Statement of Intent and the traditional marriage vows so that during a couple’s wedding, the language will be more than just familiar—it’ll be something they’ve talked about, prayed over, and committed themselves to, making the ceremony all the more special.
This is an adapted excerpt from that book, but the message is just as relevant for married couples as it is for those who are planning their wedding.
The Enthusiasm Factory
“In humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” Philippians 2:3b-4.
There’s a very subtle form of pride that most people don’t identify as pride, even though it’s ruinous to marriage:
We naturally think our marriages will be happier if our spouses would become just a little more like us.
This is a despicable lie, almost the very definition of pride, and it impacts virtually every aspect of marriage.
Couple A has a woman who likes to resolve arguments immediately and get them over with. She is tempted to resent the fact that her man wants and needs time to reflect on what he’s feeling and thinking before being able to talk. It causes her stress that things remain unresolved for a short period of time; it causes him stress that she’s pressuring him toward an artificial resolution before he’s able to comprehend what the issues are.
I just wish he was the type of man who could immediately talk things over, she thinks. It would cause me so much less stress, and life would be so much easier.
I just wish she was the type of wife who could just let things simmer for a while, he thinks. We always work it out in the end. Life would be so much more enjoyable if she just had a little more patience.
Couple B has a man who would like sexual relations at least every other day. He’s married to a woman who thinks once a week would be fine. Life would be so much better, he thinks, if she wanted sex more often.
Life would be so much better, she thinks, if he could just be happy with a special Saturday night.
Rather than seek to find the middle, we naturally want to bring our spouse over to our “side” of the issue, regardless of what the issue is.
The spiritual challenge of marriage isn’t simply accepting each other, but celebrating the difference, showing enthusiasm for the difference, and even trying to learn from the difference.
Perhaps that’s why wives and husbands are told to “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21). If the husband always gets his way (or, for that matter, the wife), he’s going to die a much poorer man, spiritually speaking.
The spiritual challenge of marriage isn’t simply accepting each other, but enthusiastically celebrating the differencesClick To Tweet
An Enthusiastic Marriage
In light of the above, one of the best gifts you can give your future spouse is enthusiasm; not just accepting each other’s differences, but celebrating those differences, admiring those differences, and being thankful that your life together will be that much richer and more well-rounded because the two of you are different.
Let me give you an example from my own marriage. Lisa and I look at food through two radically different lenses. I eat primarily because I hate being hungry, but food isn’t something I get all that excited about. It’s a means to an end for me. Lisa, on the other hand, likes being hungry because that means she gets to eat. So when we travel, she researches the restaurants and then wants to discuss where I’d like to eat before we go. (She’s very into healthy, organic food, which takes a little more effort to find.)
The problem is, I have to work at making myself care. I don’t have much natural interest in restaurant reviews or menus and the fact that it’s “local” doesn’t mean hardly anything to me, but if I tell Lisa “Just choose whatever sounds best to you,” I spoil her fun. She wants me to at least try to sound excited, to show a little enthusiasm (and even to care that the food is sourced locally).
So, loving my wife means listening to her reading the reviews, looking at menus, and trying to be as enthusiastic as possible. When I ran the Houston marathon recently, I ran past a place advertising “Organic, locally raised, grass-fed beef.” I made a mental note and made sure to mention it to Lisa later that day.
I think this same principle of showing enthusiasm holds true for some couples in regards to sex. For some people, sex is a wonderful, sensual, fulfilling, and thrilling experience. For others, it occasionally may feel like a need, but why all the bother? Let’s just do it, get it over with, and move on.
When you’re married, if your future spouse enjoys sex like my spouse enjoys food, and you’re more like me when it comes to choosing a restaurant, it’s simply a matter of kindness to play along and add a little enthusiasm.
Maybe your spouse knows something you don’t. I’m not proud of my attitude toward food, and you shouldn’t necessarily be proud of your attitude toward sex. I could easily make my lack of interest sound spiritual—eating is often called a sensual desire, it’s setting our heart on transient things, Jesus even warns about giving what we eat too much attention—and you could make those exact same arguments against too much focus on sex.
But here’s the thing: Lisa actually serves our marriage by making us care a little more about food and menus than I do. She just about fell into despair when she found out that while I was on a solo speaking trip to a very small town I ate at a Wendy’s three days in a row (“I like the chili,” I explained, “and it was close to my hotel”). And perhaps your spouse is serving your marriage by trying to make the sexual relationship more of a “gourmet” experience than you would otherwise enjoy.
Look, it’s not healthy for me to eat at a Wendy’s three days in a row just because it’s convenient and meets the need. And, sexually speaking, you don’t want “fast food” three times in a row either. So maybe you need a reminder. It would thrill Lisa if I took the initiative occasionally and researched a great restaurant, surprising her and delighting her that for once, she didn’t have to do all the work. And it might thrill your spouse if you put a little forethought into an intimate encounter that required a little preparation and effort.
When you discover these differences, remind yourself that having someone who values arriving on-time and someone who is more spontaneous and struggles with being late balances each other out. If one is too serious and one is too “fun;” if one is meticulously clean and the other thinks life is too short to spend time cleaning; realize you’ll never fully come over to your spouse’s side but you can appreciate, learn from and respect your spouse’s side. The messy person shouldn’t resent his/her spouse’s request to clean up a little better. Accept it. Even better, celebrate it and praise it. You know in your heart of hearts being neat and clean is a good thing, right? Maybe your future spouse takes it too seriously, but do you take it seriously enough?
Do you see how this works?
What I love about this is that serving my wife means caring about something that doesn’t naturally have all that much appeal to me. Choosing enthusiasm thus creates humility, generosity, kindness, and the spirit of service. These are good things. Isn’t this the kind of person you want to become?
And what do we foster when we choose not to care and not to be enthusiastic? Apathy. Self-centeredness. Stinginess. Close-mindedness.
How you treat your spouse is building a particular character.
Choosing to be enthusiastic about something about something that doesn't naturally interest you creates humility, generosity, kindness, and the spirit of service--Gary ThomasClick To Tweet
If you’re a young couple, learning to be enthusiastic about something you’re not naturally all that excited about will serve you very well as a parent with your children (who may end up being very different from you and enjoying different things). It will help you in social situations with strangers. It will assist you as your parents get older and want to talk about their days.
Enthusiasm is a wonderful gift for all of life, and marriage is an ideal “factory” out of which it can be liberally produced.
Want a serviceable definition of “marital humility?” Instead of always trying to make your spouse become more like you, consider trying to become a little more like him or her.
Your Marriage Prayer
Heavenly Father, thank you for making each one of us different than the other. Help us to see your joy in bringing different people together to learn from each other, support each other, and balance each other out. Save me from the pride that wants to re-make my spouse in my own image. Help me to appreciate him or her just as they are. In Jesus’ name, amen.
Gary’s devotional book Preparing Your Heart for Marriage is wonderful to work through when you’re engaged–or even just newly married! And it makes a great shower gift.
Check it out here!
November 7, 2018
What a Harvard Study Tells Us About the Only Real Way to Find Happiness
“If you were to invest now in your future best self, where would you put your time and your energy?”
That’s the question Robert Wadlinger asks in this awesome TED Talk about happiness.
In my quest to THINK more and VEG less, I’ve been trying to replace some of my Netflix time with TED Talk time. And I recently listened to this great talk about what The Good Life really is, and I want to share it with you today.
Today is also the first Wednesday in the month, and my readers will know that I like to have a new theme for each month, and then every Wednesday in that month (and perhaps other days, too) I like to build on that theme. We’ve had a number of themes so far:
Is He Your Type? MBTI Personality Types and Marriage
Our Submission Series: What Does It Mean to Obey Like Sarah?
Which Birth Control Method Is Right For You? A Pros and Cons Evaluation of Them All!
Men are Visual: But Does That Mean That All Men Lust?
And this month, for November, I want to talk about happiness and intimacy.
Okay, maybe that’s giving away what Robert Wadlinger is saying in his TED Talk a little bit early, but that’s what I want to concentrate on this month: How can we feel close to one another in a variety of ways?
How can we feel physically close?
How can we feel emotionally close?
And how can we feel spiritually close?
Because all of those things really matter!
I really, really loved this TED talk, and I thought it was a great way to start our conversation. You can listen to it here, but if you don’t have time, I’m going to summarize what he said, and add some of my own thoughts as well.
Let me start by explaining the study, because it’s really cool.
Here’s the question they started with. Researchers had done lots of studies on happiness, and success, and all these “good” metrics of people’s lives, but the problem with those studies is that we tend to ask people questions after the fact to try to figure out what led to success or happiness. And memories are rather unreliable. You may attribute your success or your happiness to something in your memory, but what if that’s only because you’ve ignored other things that happened to you? What if you’re not really seeing the whole picture? We don’t remember everything, and our insight into ourselves isn’t perfect.
So Harvard wanted to do things differently. They asked, “What if we could look at entire lives, as they unfold, through time?”
And that’s what they did. Way back in 1938, Harvard chose 724 teenage boys to follow throughout their lives. For 75 years, they’ve tracked the lives of these men, year after year, asking about their home life, health, work, etc. They did all of this without knowing how anything was going to turn out.
They chose their study participants from two groups. One group was sophomores at Harvard College (an elite high school). The second group was a group of boys from Boston’s poorest neighbourhoods, living in tenements, many without electricity and running water. Over the years, they watched people go from the bottom of the social scale to the top; and they watched people go from the top go to the bottom. They saw some die early, but many are still participating. And they started interviewing the wives and kids, too!
At this point, though, after watching these families for 75 years, they can now make some pretty definitive conclusions. And the definitive lessons that they have learned weren’t about wealth or fame or working harder and harder. On the contrary, the clearest message from the data is this:
Good relationships keep us happier and healthier.
From this, they identified three key corollaries.
1. Social connectedness is good for us; loneliness kills.
People who are more connected to family, friends and community are happier, healthier, and they live longer. On the other hand, people who are lonely are less happy, their health declines earlier, their brain functioning declines sooner, and they live shorter lives. And what’s really sad is that at any given time, 1/5 Americans report that they are lonely.
2. The quality of your relationships matters. High conflict is bad for your health.
Social connection, though, is not only about being in a committed relationship or about being invited to lots of parties; it’s the quality of relationship that matters. In fact, high conflict marriages without affection are worse for our health than getting divorced. But living in the midst of good, warm relationships is protective. (the lesson here to me is not that we should divorce, but that we should learn how to resolve conflict and build goodwill!)
When the study participants started aging, and many started dying, they decided to go back to the data from when the men were 50, and ask, “what’s the biggest predictor of longevity?”
At age 50, it wasn’t their cholesterol levels that predicted whether they would grow old. It was how satisfied they were in their relationships.
The people who were the most satisfied in their relationships were the healthiest at age 80. And good relationships were a buffer to bad health, too! In their 80s, the men and women who had more physical pain but were in good relationships—days with a lot of physical pain didn’t affect their happiness levels as much. But if they were in bad relationships, physical pain changed their happiness levels.
3. Good relationships protect our brains as well as our bodies.
If you are in a securely attached relationship in your 80s, your memories stay sharper, longer. However, people in relationships where they can’t count on the other, memories decline earlier.
Here’s the cool thing, though: Relationships don’t have to be smooth all the time. Older couples may bicker about where someone left the remote control or who forgot to mail something. But if they felt they could count on each other, those arguments didn’t take a toll.
This wisdom is as old as the hills. So why don’t we believe it?
This is exactly what the Bible tells us, too. In fact, when Jesus was asked to sum up the message of the Bible, he really did it with one man word: “Love”. He said:
Luke 10:27
‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’
We’re told that everything in the world will one day pass away–except three things:
1 Corinthians 13:8, 13
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away….And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
So should we be surprised that love matters most?
Of course not. And yet, even though we all may know it, we tend to ignore it, because we want quick fixes. The problem with relying on relationships for happiness is that relationships take work. Lifelong work.
The question that comes from this study, then, is an important one. And to paraphrase Robert Wadlinger’s opening question, it comes down to this:
If it is love and relationships that matter most, then where are you investing your time and energy now?
We know that the people who fared the best were people who leaned into relationships with family, friends, community. We know that God is a Triune God who is relational Himself, and He created us to be relational. We know that it is love that matters. And so my question for you this month is this:
Will you decide to lean into relationship, and build the love that you need and that those around you need?
I’ve written before that I don’t think it’s right for people to have other priorities over relationships. I’m a little suspect if people say, “I have to finish university and get a job before I’ll even think about a relationship.” (I mentioned that in our video this week about long distance dating, too.) I have a really hard time with people who choose to be workaholics, or who don’t understand that ultimately, our family has to come before career, and you can’t afford to live separate lives.
Keith and I have been watching Parks and Recreation for the last few weeks, and I’ve just been so FRUSTRATED at Leslie and Ben who give up their relationship for the sake of a job. I hate it when people do that! (don’t worry; I already googled what happens to them later, so you don’t have to reassure me).
What I found so funny, and perhaps affirming, in listening to this Talk is that all of the “to dos” that he had at the end of his talk were all things that I have spoken about repeatedly on this blog. And so I’d like to leave you with some of those suggestions in other blog posts. If love matters, why not pick one of these things to try to pursue this week?
Replacing screen time with people time
Livening up a stale relationship by doing something new
Taking long walks
Prioritizing date nights
Like this post so far? You should also check out:
One Thing Most Couples Get Wrong about Date Night
50 Conversation Starters for Couples
10 Ways to Signal Yes to Your Husband
And remember–my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage really emphasizes all of these things, and more, too!
We are designed for intimacy, at all levels. This month, let’s talk about how we can get there, because as Harvard found (and as we all instinctively know), it matters!
What do you think? Do you find that people are prioritizing things above relationships? How can we change the cultural conversation around this? Let’s talk in the comments!
Author
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Sheila's Best Posts
Books
Courses
Freebie
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
November 6, 2018
10 Reasons to NOT Kiss Dating Goodbye
I made Rebecca read the book when she was 14 (sorry, Becca!). I told the girls no dating until they were at least 16, and I strongly discouraged it until later.
Over the years, as the girls grew up, I started to question a lot of the book’s premises, and by the time Katie was 16 I had discarded courtship it altogether.
Interestingly, both my daughters did marry the first person they have a relationship with. But both would have done what Josh considered in that book “dating”–they had gone to coffee with guys; they had gone to dinner with guys; they had even skyped guys. They just never considered themselves “in a relationship” with any of those guys.
And so I’d like to explore this today–and thank you to Christian Mingle for sponsoring this post!
Josh Harris has been on a journey himself the last few years, and has now disavowed his book. He says,
While I stand by my book’s call to sincerely love others, my thinking has changed significantly in the past twenty years. I no longer agree with its central idea that dating should be avoided. I now think dating can be a healthy part of a person developing relationally and learning the qualities that matter most in a partner.
Josh Harris
I thought today it would be good to talk through 10 reasons NOT to kiss dating goodbye.
But first, let’s just go over what Josh was proposing instead. In summary, Josh once believed and preached:
No “dating”, or time alone, unless you it was explicitly to work towards marriage, and this should not be done until you are at an age and a life stage where you could actually marry.
Family should be involved in this decision, and the couple should avoid being alone together until marriage.
The guy should approach the girl (and the girl’s father) to talk about potential courtship
No physical contact at all until the wedding (no kissing, and even hand holding should be at a minimum).
I’ve already talked about how I changed my mind about dating and courtship. Here are 10 reasons why I think we should actually bring back the idea of healthy relationships with the opposite sex, and getting to know potential mates in productive, healthy ways.
1. Everybody’s marriage journey is different.
Some people will marry the first person they date, and will choose to save their first kiss until the wedding. I know one couple who made such a choice because in previous relationships they had gone too far physically, and they wanted to work on their emotional connection. They felt God was asking them to do this. Other people may not feel that God is calling them to wait to kiss, and they may have other past relationships that ended (even if they did not want them to). To assume that there is only one proper way of courtship ignores our modern society, ignores how the Holy Spirit works differently in each of our lives, and ignores that even biblically, couples were brought together under different circumstances in different ways.
2. Dating frees you to choose a mate
One family with multiple children that I know used the “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” philosophy whole hog. It worked great with the first three couples. But then the fourth child started dating someone at 19 that those of us outside the family could see was not a good match for him. However, there was this feeling that if that relationship ended, he would have “failed”. He would have dated without marrying, and that was wrong. So he married her, and the relationship is not a strong one.
The philosophy asks you to be on a marriage track before you are in a relationship with someone–or before you truly know them. And then it hypes up that relationship track so much that if the relationship fails, you feel as if you have failed and you are somehow tainted. You can’t know if a person is a good match for you until you spend some time with them. Let’s not put so much pressure on ourselves right out the gate, and let’s instead get to know people slowly!
3. Having a dating orientation helps relieve the fear of the opposite sex
If “dating” is wrong, and being alone with the opposite sex is wrong, and having any sexual feelings is wrong, then the opposite sex becomes dangerous. This can make the opposite sex seem rather distant, scary, and alien. It’s hard to have natural conversations with people that you are constantly trying to avoid or second guess yourself around. And when you can’t have natural conversations, it’s hard to develop healthy relationships that can then lead to something more.
4. Dating makes it more likely that you’ll marry
If you believe that dating is wrong, and that courtship is something that will happen when God brings the right guy into your life, then your only responsibility is to wait and have faith in God’s plan.
That, I believe, is why there is a growing phenomenon of girls especially who grow up in very conservative households who are not marrying. As Thomas Umstaddt explained in his critique of courtship:
It is not uncommon to find a 21 year old stay at home daughter who has never been asked out on a date. The reason for this is not because the girl is unattractive … The real reason is that few guys are willing to ask permission from a woman’s father to marry her before being able to ask her out on a date to get to know her.
Thomas Umstaddt
That’s tragic!
5. When you want to date, you learn to go after what you want.
If we stop portraying marriage as something that you have to wait for, then we start telling people, “If this is something that’s important to you, then you have to make it happen!”
Let me tell you about one woman I’ll call Rachel, who is part of the To Love, Honor and Vacuum extended community. Rachel is 24, and has had a difficult history with bad men in her life. But she knows that she wants to marry. And so, even though her job has moved her across the country, every new community she goes to, she signs up for online Christian dating. Most of the dates haven’t panned out, though she had a great time getting to meet people. But she’s now dating someone that she’s enjoying getting to know, and I’m eagerly watching where this may go. But Rachel decided she wasn’t going to so sit around. She was going to do something about it. And she did.
When you want to date, you learn to go after what you wantClick To Tweet
Similarly, in my daughter Rebecca’s church is a man in his early 30s that she so respected, but who was single. Rebecca was always trying to figure out who she could set him up with, because she really wanted to see him married. But about a year ago he brought a woman to church, whom he had met on Christian Mingle. They’re engaged now, and Rebecca is thrilled. They’re perfect together.
These two people knew they wanted to get married, but they couldn’t find anyone in their social circle. And so they took it upon themselves to reach out. They joined Christian Mingle. They worked hard at creating a good profile. And they were matched with each other (and Rebecca’s really looking forward to the wedding!). The whole church celebrated with them.
I’m a BIG BELIEVER in online dating. I know so many couples who have gotten married through Christian Mingle. Yes, you have to treat it seriously, and weed out people who wouldn’t work for you. You have to be careful and make sure that they do have good character. But let’s face it; many of us only know the people we go to church with, work with, go to school with, or are in our family. And once you get to an age when most of your friends are married, it can be hard to find another Christian. I think the internet has opened up so many opportunities to help us find good mates, and I wholeheartedly recommend trying Christian Mingle!
Here’s how they describe themselves:
Christian Mingle is unlike any other faith-based dating site. Our only focus is on helping Christian men and women find a loving, God-centered relationship built on mutual faith and love. Discover why so many Christian singles find love here.
Christian Mingle's Mission Statement
Let Me See Christian Mingle!
And if you have a friend, sister, co-worker, or whomever who you would love to see with someone, but they aren’t dating, why not encourage them to try? Even help them set up a profile!
6. Spending time with others helps you learn to recognize a good guy
When Rebecca started attending a College & Careers group when she was just 17, she was asked out for coffee by a number of guys. She went. She learned a lot about these men, many of whom she admired and enjoyed spending time with (they just weren’t a good match for her). But she did meet guys with good character, and she was able to recognize what it was that she was actually looking for. Even if she was with a guy that she didn’t want to pursue a relationship with, she still knew that guys with certain qualities existed, and it was not wrong to wait for someone with those qualities.
7. Being with a variety of people helps you to learn to recognize red flags.
Similarly, when you meet a number of people of the opposite sex, you start to recognize when there’s something “off”. When you decide that you are not going to date, and are only going to enter into a relationship with someone you will marry, then you don’t have the breadth of experience to recognize how you should be treated–and how you should not be treated. I know many women who got married young, thinking he was a great Christian because he could quote Bible verses, but really he was controlling.
8. Dating well ensures at least some sexual attraction with a potential mate.
Here’s a bit of a controversial one, but hear me out.
When we say that you should not hold hands or kiss before the wedding, you put off physical contact entirely–including that physical contact which could at least tell you if there was some sort of “spark”. I firmly believe that sexual attraction is an important part of marriage, and it should be a struggle to not have sex before you’re married. That doesn’t mean that we should flirt with “how far can we go”, but you should at least know that your beloved actually does want to make love to you.
However, if you cut off all physical contact, you can run into trouble. When we treat things that are not biblical truths as biblical mandates, especially things that make us potentially unattractive to possible spouses, you aren’t just weeding out the bad ones. You weed out a lot of the good ones, too. Good mates may not be interested in dating you because you’re so “out there”. But more than that, we may unwittingly attract bad ones.
I would have agreed with Josh ten years ago, or at least given this view point more credence. But after seeing letter after letter from women who married porn addicts or homosexuals, I’m more and more convinced that people who struggle with sexuality, such as wrestling with homosexuality or deep pornography addiction, are drawn towards people with hyper-strict rules about sexuality because it gives them a safe place to hide. Even this morning I had an email from a woman who has been married for five years, whose pastor husband told her on their wedding night that he was not interested in ever having sex with her. She may have known that had they been kissing before the wedding (and he pulled away).
Again, I’m not saying that anyone HAS to kiss before marriage. But I do think that those who struggle with healthy sexuality are over represented in groups who decide not to have any physical contact whatsoever before marriage, and that can be a problem.
9. Dating helps you mature–in a good way
If you’re the one who is ultimately responsible for your future, then you’re more likely to take concrete steps. You may move out of your parent’s house, or even out of your parent’s church, to find a church with a larger college & career group. You may change cities if there aren’t a lot of marriageable prospects near where you live. In short, you become an adult.
10. Dating makes you more interested in self-growth
Finally, I believe that people who have a healthy orientation towards dating are also more likely to pursue self-growth. If finding someone to marry is simply a matter of faith and waiting, then there’s nothing you can do about it. Might as well binge watch Netflix. But if finding someone good means meeting people, and getting out there, then you have to go outside your comfort zone. You try new things. You join new groups. And you start to realize, “Maybe it’s me who has to change?”
Like Andy Stanley said,
“Be the kind of person the kind of person you want to be with wants to be with.”
Andy Stanley
The New Rules of Sex, Love and Dating
That’s the story of my son-in-law David. He was madly in love with my daughter Katie, but she turned him down, because she wasn’t sure his faith was strong enough. So he went on a deep two year journey where he examined her words, examined his own heart, and dedicated his life to God. Katie saw the change, and the rest is history.
What about you? What do you think about dating? Have your views changed? And have you ever tried internet dating? Let’s talk in the comments!
And if you are someone who is here because you want to get married–why not give Christian Mingle a try?
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
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