Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 96
November 5, 2018
Ask Sheila: My Long Distance Boyfriend Won’t Propose
On Mondays I like to take a reader question and take a stab at answering it, and today’s is from a woman who has been dating a guy seriously for quite a few years–and who even moved to be closer to him–but now he’s moved away to follow a business dream and says he can’t think about marriage until he’s financially settled. Meanwhile, she’s turned her life inside out for him, because he said that they would be married. By the way–he’s already in his early 30s.
Her question’s a long one, but she summarizes the root of like this:
Reader Question
When I asked him what was going to happen between us, he simply said that nothing would change (we’d continue dating long distance) but he had no idea when we would be able to be married. After having some more conversations about this he said that he wasn’t ready to get married because of finances and he wasn’t even thinking about it until he is able to get things established with his business. Previously, I had made it clear that I will not be moving to join him unless we are getting married and he had no issue with that. I think my question right now it, is it worth it to continue in this relationship? As far as his character, I couldn’t ask for someone who I respect more. He is truly my best friend and has been there for me through so much. But it seems like we are not able to get the timing right in our relationship.
I really feel for this young woman, so Rebecca and I tried to answer her today!
(And by the way, we had some terrible bloopers filming this. I left a few in, but I’ve got a longer video with all the bloopers that’s going out to all my newsletter subscribers in my weekly email on Friday! If you’re not signed up, you should be.)
In general, I’d say this: If you’re going to be with a guy, you need to choose someone with good character; and someone who is totally into you. The problem is that we often find someone who looks like an amazing guy, and then we’ll put up with just about anything because we can’t imagine anyone any more perfect. But he’s not perfect if he won’t commit to you. And a guy who is 33 and who is not focused on marriage? Likely not a good catch anyway.
I’ve got some other posts that go along with this one:
The Two Things You Need in a Guy
Should You Wait Until You’re Finished University to Have a Relationship?
I hope that helps!
But now it’s your turn: what would you say to her? Should she wait for him to propose? Or should she move on? Let’s talk in the comments!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
November 2, 2018
What Do I Do if My Husband is a Workaholic?
How do you deal with a husband who is a workaholic?
This month on the blog we’re going to be talking about intimacy, and how to build your relationship so you feel closer. All the Wednesdays will be dedicated to different aspects of intimacy!
Yesterday I started our series with the question, “what pulls you apart”? And what do you do when it seems like you and your spouse decided on a certain way of living, and then he seems to have gone back on that promise?
Workaholism is a big way a person can seem to break that promise, and I think it’s rampant. Here’s what a reader wrote to me:
Reader Question
My husband’s work hours are way out of control. He owns his own business and regularly works 75-90 hours a week. We have been married almost 30 years and our kids are almost out of the nest.
His obsession with work overrides his common sense. The kids and I staged an intervention (literally) where we said that they would not ride in his car with him if he continued to text and check emails while driving (that has improved a bit since then).
He thinks I don’t appreciate his hard work. I do, but it has left me to be virtually a single parent, and in fact, an angry, disconnected wife. I try to open discussions with “I/we want to have you at home more. I miss time with you”, but it immediately goes to accusations that I don’t understand his work, his stress, the economy etc.
I am tired of pat Christian answers about making my home a sanctuary for him and understanding that work is what God created him to do. I am angry when I hear other Godly men ask with a laugh, “Still working those crazy hours?” instead of calling him on his out of balance life. I have considered talking to an elder couple that we are close to in order to have someone else discuss this with him.
My husband is a good man and I know, in my head if not my heart, that he loves me and his kids, but even as I write this, a voice in my head whispers, “but not enough to cut back his work hours”.
My heart breaks for this woman. She IS married to a workaholic husband, and it’s making her feel so unloved. So what does one do in this situation? Here are some general thoughts about workaholism and marriage.
Is He a Workaholic or Does He Just Work Hard?
My husband is a physician, and when he was in training he was often at work for 100-120 hours a week, being 36 hours on and 12 hours off. It was horrible. When he had his own practice he was still on call frequently, and his work weeks were still long. I never considered him a workaholic, though, because he loved being home–and when he had to dictate charts or bring work home he was always really grumpy about it. He wanted to be away from work; the job just didn’t always allow it.
What good would it have been for me to be angry at him for that? He was already upset that he wasn’t home more; me adding to that would not have helped. Working hard and working long hours does not necessarily mean he’s a workaholic.
A workaholic husband, on the other hand, is someone who routinely chooses to engage in work rather than engage in family time even when the job does not necessarily demand it. If he’s a pastor and he’s forever visiting people and counselling people after hours and going to meetings and he’s never with his family, then he’s likely a workaholic. If he’s a business owner (like our letter writer’s husband) and he can never put the job down, then he’s likely a workaholic.
Certain jobs are more prone to workaholism: the “caring” professions, especially ministry ones, where you can always justify working harder because “people need me”, and entrepreneurs, who feel as if everything rests on their shoulders. There are others as well, but those are the two categories that seem to be especially prone to it.
Does your husband just work hard, or is he a workaholic? Here's how you can tell, and what you can do from there!Click To Tweet
If He Simply Works Hard–but He’s Not a Workaholic?
Can He Switch Jobs?
Can you make a long-term plan for him to get more training so that he can qualify for something different that pays well? Can you create a 5-year plan together that gets him into something more manageable–so that your family life is better?
Can You Change Your Work?
One reason that my husband’s job was never too much of a burden to us was because I didn’t work outside the home. Because I was there to take care of the day-to-day things, then when he was home we could relax as a family. If I had been working 40 hours a week too I don’t know how we would have done it. When he got home instead of playing a game or talking we’d have to clean something or tend to errands.
Is there a way that you can reduce your hours or change your work so that the family becomes more manageable–even with his hours?
Can You Carve Out Family Time?
I have two dear friends who are both family physicians in a small town. The wife works part-time; the husband has always worked more than full-time because that’s the nature of the job. While he’s around most nights, he honestly is gone a lot of the time. But what they have done is carved out several weeks of vacation a year where they get out of town completely, so no one can page him. And they love their vacation time! They’ve taken their girls on missions trips, on backpacking adventures, and all kinds of places so that they create memories.
If your husband puts in a ton of hours at work, perhaps he can negotiate more vacation time where he’s out of the office and away from his phone.
I have another friend who is a project manager for huge corporate projects. He goes to work in one place for 2-3 years, managing some new huge launch, and then he’ll move to another corporation. So everywhere he goes it’s always at a stressful, busy time. He misses Thanksgiving sometimes. He misses weekends sometimes. But one thing he never misses is his kids’ quiz meets (his kids do Bible quizzing with my daughter). He coaches and he’s made that his priority. So even though he misses some traditional family things, he is always there for one particular thing that has become his priority–his barometer of whether he’s involved enough or not. And that works really well for them. Can your husband find one thing that he is always there for–coaching soccer, working with the youth group, attending a small group with you? And that is always your priority?
For years my husband and I spent Wednesday nights ballroom dancing. He never, ever took call on Wednesday nights, no matter what. That was our time. So, yes, I couldn’t always count on him for birthdays or for weekends, but I knew that he would always be there for me for Wednesday nights.
If Your Husband is a Workaholic
Can You Plan Your Goals Together?
If the issue is not one of time but honestly one of priority, then it’s a much bigger problem. Like Bill and Pam Farrel say, men are like waffles and women are like spaghetti. Men live their lives in little boxes: when they’re in one box (like work) it’s hard for them to think about another box. And often that work box gets really big.
One way to force them out of it is to talk to them about goals. Workaholics are often quite good at setting goals because they do it in the work setting all the time. So what about asking him to set goals for your family and your marriage? I’ve got some printable, downloadable worksheets right here that you can use to dream together and vision together.
If you start asking, “what do we want our family to look like?”, and then “what are the action steps we need to take to get them there?” that can help him see that he has action steps that need to be taken at home, too.
Like this post so far? You should also check out:
I Figured Out Why So Much Marriage Advice Is So Trite
Can You Find the Root of Workaholism?
Is workaholism about money? Or is it about self-worth? Or is it about a lack of trust in God?
I have a friend named Mark who has a construction company. He has always prioritized his family. He works long hours, but he’s home on weekends, and they do vacations together. When the downturn came in 2008, he didn’t lose his business, though many in his town did. And he says he just trusted God. He worked a little harder to drum up business, but he didn’t panic, because he knew God would take care of them.
Sometimes people become workaholics because they’re essentially scared that God won’t take care of them, so they have to do it all themselves. In that case it’s a trust in God issue.
Sometimes he’s grown up to believe that his worth is from his work, and so he puts all of his emphasis there.
And sometimes he just wants more money, thinking that it will buy security.
Figuring out what the spiritual root is can help you tackle the problem. And sometimes you will have to talk about this with a counselor or a third party. In extreme cases, you will have to say, “I can’t live in the marriage like this anymore and we need to get help.”
Sometimes our husbands become workaholics because they are scared God won't take care of their familiesClick To Tweet
Other times just using logic can help. How much money is enough for your retirement? If you go at this trajectory, will you manage? Does the business need to expand? Do you need to work that many hours? If they can see it in black and white that their financial goals are already met, that can help them scale back.
If the issue is that he’s in a caring profession, and the demands are never ending, then I’d read this post which addresses specifically that.
Be Honest with Your Own Role
I am not saying this is the case with my reader at all, but I have had many men comment on this blog about how desperately lonely they are in their marriages, and how they have turned to their work instead so that they can cope with the loneliness. The babies came, and their wives threw themselves into the kids, virtually stopped having sex, and were critical and demanding. And the men felt unloved.
So they threw themselves into work, and for a few years everyone was happy. He could cope because his needs were met at work; she could focus on her kids unimpeded. Then the kids started to grow, and she began to miss him, but he wasn’t here anymore.
Ask yourself if you have done anything to contribute to his workaholism (and this is not always the case). Then ask him. And if you have, repent, apologize, ask forgiveness, and try to start fresh. Here’s a good post on asking for forgiveness.
Confront Him About His Workaholism
Like my reader, I have heard the advice, “just make your home a sanctuary he wants to come home to!”, and there is some truth to that. But I think that truth is more relevant if your husband works hard, not if he’s a workaholic. If he simply works hard, he needs that sanctuary. If he’s a workaholic, the problem is usually a spiritual one, and no matter what you do it won’t get better. In fact, you could end up enabling him to grow further away from God and further away from his family if you do nothing.
That’s what my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage can help you with. It helps us deal with our own part in the problem, but then walks you through how to confront real issues that need changing. It helps you be a “help” to your husband, not an enabler of bad behaviour.
See 9 Thoughts Here!
Our reader and her kids did a good thing confronting him about texting. That was a great first step. But take the next step, too.
Make Your Own Life
My friend Leanne had a workaholic husband. She tried for years to change it and finally realized she couldn’t. So she stopped waiting around for him. She began taking the kids on vacation by herself. She took them to the beach in the summer rather than trying to plan around his schedule–and then being disappointed again. She started taking painting classes herself and hired a baby-sitter for the kids. She stopped putting her life on hold and started living it.
An interesting thing happened. His workaholism stopped bothering her quite as much because she had other areas of joy in her life. And because of that, he started wanting to be home more. He realized he was missing a lot of fun, and he made more of an effort to be there for those beach trips.
Their marriage is still not perfect, but she’s finding it easier to cope with it.
So those are my thoughts on workaholism–and now I’d love to know yours! How do you deal with a husband who works a ton? Let me know in the comments!
If you enjoyed this post, you may also like:
I Figured Out Why So Much Marriage Advice Is So Trite
When Your Spouse Changes: Is Your Marriage Indivisible?
How a Marriage Deteriorates: It’s in the Little Things
Author
Social Media
Sheila's Best Posts
Books
Courses
Freebie
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
November 1, 2018
When Your Spouse Changes: Is Your Marriage Indivisible?
With thanks to Harper Collins for sponsoring this post on behalf of the Indivisible movie.
“I stopped by the English department today,” Keith told me.
That seemed strange, since the English department was on the other side of campus from his medical classes. We were just a few years into our marriage, and Keith was deeply in a funk.
“They told me it would be easy to transfer my credits, and I could still finish a 4-year degree at the same time. I’d just have to do a full year of English courses at the end.”
I didn’t have a clue what he was talking about. He was in his third year of medical school, and I felt like I had to force him out of bed every morning. Academically he was doing well. Emotionally he wasn’t. He just hated school. And now he wanted to ditch it all and become an English major.
We got through that time (and Keith never did get that English degree), but not because I handled it well. He couldn’t stand the constant criticism and horrible environment of that school, and for a few months there I really thought he was going to toss his dreams away. And part of me panicked. He was becoming a different person from the man I married.
That’s not the only time one of us has threatened to make a 90 degree turn in our marriage–or had a major emotional crisis.
There was the time Keith thought I should stop homeschooling the kids in middle school. We were so busy, and I was so overwhelmed, and my speaking was picking up, and I didn’t feel like I could hold everything together. But instead of trying to do life differently, he wanted me to chuck my dream of homeschooling. Of course, that wasn’t his intention. He was simply trying to help. I didn’t see it that way.
There was the year I broke down several times, blaming Keith for burning me out, when really I was severely anemic and didn’t know it.
There were the years that we just grew apart, when he was working in a different city, and we barely saw each other.
In all of the cases, it was like one of us had changed into a person who couldn’t handle life–who almost refused to live the life that we had agreed upon and promised.
I was thinking about all of these things as I watched the movie Indivisible last week.
The movie follows Darren and Heather Turner as they readjust to life together after Darren returns from a 15-month deployment to Iraq as a chaplain. Everyone–including Darren and Heather–thought they were the perfect couple. But Darren came home with PTSD, and his personality changed. He was angry. He was tense. And they couldn’t connect. Heather felt like he was completely rejecting the family.
And they had to find their way back to each other again.
It was an emotional movie for me to watch, since my newest son-in-law is in the military, and one day, sooner rather than later, we’ll likely be facing a deployment.
But as I watched the movie, at times I wanted to scream at the screen, “Will you just talk to each other?”
Because what the movie showed so perfectly is that relationships often grow distant and desperate not because there is something wrong at the core of the relationship, but because the couple refuses to be vulnerable with each other about the pain or doubt they’re carrying.
How do we handle doubt in our marriage?
Did you hear God’s voice right? Were you supposed to be in this job? Were you supposed to move to this town? Were you supposed to have this child?
When one person starts to doubt big decisions you’ve already made, or even the life you’ve chosen, how does the other person not panic? How do you stay close?
When doubt and hurt hit, what do we tend to do? We do just what Darren and Heather did. We get overcome by our own pain, and we can’t see what our spouse is experiencing, too. We interpret their doubt about life to mean that they have doubts about the relationship.
How many times have I chosen to feel hurt by something that Keith has done, and have I collapsed with a box of Kleenex, feeling as if our love was falling apart, when really, if we just talked to each other, we would discover it’s got very little to do with how we feel about each other at all. It’s how everything else is affecting us.
In your doubt, don’t pull away!
Our tendency, when we’re overwhelmed with pain, is to pull away, largely because we can’t face the enormity of whatever it is we’re feeling. Keith fearing that he wouldn’t be a good doctor. Me fearing that I can’t face the day to day with my kids. Or, more profoundly, Darren feeling like he couldn’t carry the weight of the world anymore.
That’s when the most insightful line in the movie came:
Fear. Anger. Pain. I can handle that. What I can’t handle is the distance. You’re shutting me out. That’s what hurts.
Heather Turner
When you’re in pain, you often think the marriage problem is more complicated than it actually is. But we keep it complicated because we won’t communicate.
It was a week before our son Christopher was due, and Keith was in agony.
We knew that he had a very serious heart defect. We knew the surgery he would need would be very risky. We knew that likely that surgery would not save his life; it would just prolong his death.
I was comfortable with NOT putting Christopher on a heart transplant list. He likely wouldn’t be a good candidate, and I didn’t want to put him through that torture if he didn’t need to be, especially since it likely wouldn’t work. Keith was struggling with all the ethical issues as a doctor. Was it right to not do absolutely everything possible?
I felt like he was treating Christopher like he was a textbook example in one of his ethics books. He felt like I was too lacksadaisical about it to think through the morality of it. I felt like he was questioning my faith. He felt that I thought he was putting ethics over what was actually best for our son.
And we went round and round and round.
In the end, it didn’t matter. We never had to make any of those decisions. We wasted a lot of time worrying about “what ifs”.
And in the middle of it, if we had just said to each other, “I don’t know how to process that my son is likely going to die,” we would have been much further ahead. But Keith turned it into an ethics case. I tried to ignore it. And we grew this big wall between us that was brick after brick of unexpressed emotion.
I felt that same emotion watching the movie, and seeing Darren and Heather hurt each other over things that weren’t their fault.
As Darren and Heather are fighting, on the wall in their bedroom is a plaque that says 1 Peter 4:8.
It was an aside; the movie didn’t really draw attention to it. But I wondered about it, so I looked it up.
1 Peter 4:8
Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.
Or, in The Message by Eugene Peterson, who passed away last week:
Most of all, love each other as if your life depended on it. Love makes up for practically anything.
Love makes up for practically anything.
When Darren finally let Heather in to some of her pain, she was able to see past her own.
I’m hurting. But so is the man that I love.
Heather Turner
I think that’s the key to being indivisible as a couple. It’s not denying your own pain. It’s recognizing that you’re not going through it alone. And it’s deciding to see theirs, too.
If you’re hurting today, ask yourself: Is my spouse hurting, too? When you can see that, in the midst of your pain, it’s so much easier to carry that pain together.
Indivisible is out in theatres now! And you can also buy the novel version of the movie.
Plus, if you’re wanting to grow the kind of marriage where you’ll stay indivisible, and you’ll keep communicating, check out the Indivisible devotional: One Marriage Under God. I get so many of you asking for a good devotional to do as a couple, and here’s a great one! Check it out here.
I’m going to be talking on Facebook and Instagram in the next week or so about the things that pull us apart–and what we can do to stay indivisible. Let me know–what pulls you apart? When do you find it hard to be vulnerable with your husband? Let’s talk in the comments!
Author
Social Media
Sheila's Best Posts
Books
Courses
Freebie
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
October 31, 2018
Which Birth Control Method Should YOU Choose?
Now that you know all about the different birth control methods–how can you figure out which one is right for you?
Here at To Love, Honor and Vacuum, I try to pick a big topic to tackle every Wednesday each month, and this month has been our birth control month. We’ve talked about all the different birth control methods; the pros and cons of The Pill; how to use the fertility awareness method; even how to make sure birth control is a shared responsibility.
One of the people who has done a lot of research for me on this is Joanna Sawatsky, who works behind the scenes with me on the blog. And I’ve asked her to write the wrap up for the series that sums up our thinking. So here’s Joanna!
I’ve written before on the blog about the fact that I have a Masters in Public Health.
In public health, we talk a lot about risk. I spent so many classes calculating risk of X disease after Y exposure, or discussing risk communication strategies, or trying to explain risks to undergraduate students at the university. And here’s what I learned: life is about managing risk. It’s inevitable.
Birth control is pretty much a big risk management exercise, and we’ve talked about that all month.
We decided to close off with a few final thoughts about how you and your spouse can practically choose the birth control method that’s right for you.
We’ve talked a lot in this series about the risks a couple has to manage in choosing a birth control method – from the risk of an unplanned pregnancy, to the risks of putting hormones into your body, and so on. Also, you’re trying to manage the work inherent in taking birth control. Remembering to take your temperature, chart your cycle, and so on.
Like this post so far? You should also check out:
Which Birth Control Method Is Right For You? A Pros and Cons Evaluation of Them All!
Can Natural Family Planning Work for You?
Here’s the truth about birth control: if you are a person who uses it perfectly–which means both correctly and consistently–it will almost certainly work.
So if you’ve chosen condoms, you have to use them every time. Or if you’re doing a fertility awareness method, you have to track your cycle using cervical mucous, basal body temperature, etc. consistently, and then you have to either abstain or use barrier methods during the fertile period.
The question, really, isn’t whether a given birth control method will or won’t work. They all will work in the vast majority of cases, if used correctly.
Instead the question is: are you the kind of person who can use the method you choose correctly?
Okay, fine. But, more basically, how do you figure out whether you are the kind of person who can use a birth control method correctly?
Is your husband ready to take the dip in pleasure inherent in using condoms every time? (And, remember to check out the post that Sheila wrote about how husbands shouldn’t be selfish when it comes to birth control!)
Are you willing to deal with the risks inherent in hormonal birth control? (There’s another post about The Pill to look at!)
If you’re willing to use hormonal birth control, are you a person who can take your medicine at the same time every day? If not, there are certain formulations of the pill you shouldn’t take. If you travel a lot and are frequently on different time zones, or may forget a pill or run out of a prescription and you don’t have a family doctor to refill it (a serious problem for many in Canada) will you be stuck? And if you’re a person who has a lot of vomiting and diarrhea, the pill might not be a good idea, as you may not have adequate opportunity to actually absorb the pill.
Are you willing to chart your cycle using cervical fluid and/or basal body temperature? And are you willing to abstain from sex or use barrier methods during your fertile period? If not, fertility awareness methods or natural family planning might not be the right fit for you. And remember–charting means seriously charting. You do have to keep records in an app, but you can’t just rely on the app’s past data to tell you what to do now. You need to be diligent about it.
Are you willing to deal with effectiveness at preventing pregnancy that’s under 90% with perfect use in a year? If not, pulling out (which isn’t birth control to begin with, technically) or diaphragms aren’t the right fit.
None of these methods of birth control is without work and none is guaranteed to work.
Marriage has many seasons, and some seasons require delaying pregnancy. Even the Catholic church, which is very conservative on contraception, recognizes the necessity of preventing pregnancy in a variety of circumstances. The method you use to prevent pregnancy may change based on the season of marriage you’re in. Many people, for instance, choose an IUD in their late 30s after they’ve had kids and want something that they don’t have to worry about. Others choose vasectomies later. And so it’s really important that you be communicating with your spouse as you move through life together.
If you need to, book a date night to chat through all of the options and the pros and cons of each.
What we’ve tried to do during this series is to give you the information you need to make an informed decision about birth control, and to help show you ways to dig deeper, should you be interested in doing so.
God made sex to be AWESOME!
It’s supposed to be great physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Feel like something’s missing?
Check out The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex!
But if you’re wondering what birth control method we’d suggest as the To Love, Honor, and Vacuum team: we really like condoms.
If you can manage to use fertility awareness methods, so much the better (then you don’t have to use condoms all the time!). But condoms come with a really high effectiveness rate, no health risks, zero waiting period to go for a baby if and when it’s time to stop, they are completely reversible, and have no risk of a conceived embryo failing to implant because of a hostile uterine environment. But that method might not be the right one FOR YOU. So read up on all the different birth control methods. Don’t just jump on one without asking: Am I willing to accept the risks? AND Am I the type of person who can consistently use this?
And then YOU make that decision. I hope this series has helped!
Like this post so far? You should also check out:
Which Birth Control Method Is Right For You? A Pros and Cons Evaluation of Them All!
Can Natural Family Planning Work for You?
Sharing the Responsibility of Birth Control in Your Marriage
What Are the Pros and Cons of the Birth Control Pill?
Let me know in the comments: Is there a birth control method that you’ve found hard to stick to and do effectively? Or have you changed your mind during this series? Let’s talk!
About Joanna
More from Joanna
Joanna SawatskyJoanna is a 20-something who has been married for 5 years. She's an infertility patient-turned-mommy, a Yankee-turned-Canuk, but she'll never lose her love for her hometown Pittsburgh Steelers. You'll find her sipping coffee and playing with her angora rabbit while reading theology books with the baby most afternoons. She's got a Masters in Public Health and a bizarre love for statistical graphs.Some other posts from Joanna:
When It's Hard to Rejoice with Those Who Rejoice
Why We Need Community
October 30, 2018
10 Ways Men Can Initiate Sex with Their Wives (Without Turning Her Off!)
Because when a guy comes on too strong when that’s the last thing she’s thinking, it can often backfire.
A guy who reads this blog recently sent me in this question:
I’m a happily married husband without libido problems. I find that it doesn’t come natural for me to initiate sexual intimacy verbally and my dear wife does not want me to initiate intimacy by jumping into foreplay without asking first. I see you have blog content to help wives initiate sex but our situation is different. When in the mood, my wife initiates but she does want me to initiate, too. It’s possible I’m alone in this department but there might be other men who could use some words of encouragement.
Great question! She wants to feel pursued, but if he grabs her when she’s not thinking that way–well, that can often be a turn off.
So let’s jump in!
A lot of guys would love to have more sex with their wives. But how do they initiate sex without sending her heading in the other direction?Click To Tweet
Initiate Sex by Gauging Her Interest Level:
I asked on Facebook for some ideas from my readers on what would help them not get turned off, and a number of people mentioned ways that a husband could test the waters and see what her interest level was.
1. Use a code word.
Many people suggested this one:
My husband and I have a code. He’ll make the eyebrows jump while saying hmm hmm. If I reciprocate I’m in the mood. If not it dies there. He doesn’t have to speak to initiate and I don’t have to speak to let him know.
Another woman said:
Work together to find a code word, or phrase, that your comfortable with. Keep it playful, and personal. For example “Remember [insert honeymoon destination]” Or would she prefer something like nuzzling her neck while hugging her? Or a gentle caress on the thigh? A playful text before you come home from work? (I’ve been thinking about you
October 29, 2018
What We Learned Making the Boy’s Version of The Whole Story
As of midnight tonight, The Whole Story for Boys will officially launch!
This whole past week we’ve been celebrating the pre-launch period with a great sale (including the ability to make up the difference if you’ve already bought one version of the course but want to upgrade) and a 5-day series to help parents feel prepared to talk to their kids about sex, puberty, and all the awkwardness that comes with those topics.
It’s Rebecca here on the blog today, and to wrap it all up I thought I’d share some thoughts I had while coordinating The Whole Story for boys. Since I was the one who managed the girls’ version of the course, I was also in charge of the big-picture planning and creation for this version, too.
1. Guys have it pretty easy when it comes to puberty
My entire life I’ve believed that both guys and girls have it equal when it comes to the trials of puberty. No, we really don’t. Girls have it 10 times worse. I scoured pediatric health sites trying to find evidence that guys go through something–anything–that is comparable to what girls do. There’s nothing.
Did you know most guys don’t even really notice puberty starting? Like they notice little things, but nothing as climactic as getting your first period. Everywhere I read, the most embarrassing things guys have to deal with are body odor (girls also have that, by the way), voice cracks (really not that big a deal compared to being worried about someone noticing your enlarged nipples), and spontaneous erections (still not as bad as a period, sorry guys). The biggest concern that parents raised with us about their sons and puberty was if they were a late bloomer or an early bloomer. But guess what? Girls have to deal with that, too!
As well, they just don’t go through as much. For the girl’s course, we had an entire unit on just periods alone. And then a whole unit on the other changes that come with puberty!
The guys have just one unit on the changes that come with puberty. And at first, I panicked. “How are we going to make a course if I’m missing a whole unit’s worth of materials?”
But then we talked to Sheldon about it (the face of The Whole Story for Boys) and he had a real passion and desire to dedicate a whole unit to character development and studying what it means to be a man of God. We looked back over the comments and emails and thought, “That’s a great idea!” And it’s one of my favourite units of this course.
Here’s the thing: girls need a ton of information. They need to have emergency kits prepared, they need to feel prepared for their period months before it comes for the first time because once stuff starts happening, it happens fast. But for guys, puberty is much more gradual. They need the information, too, but what they really need is a space for good, honest conversation.
It’s a lot easier to get girls to talk about their hopes and dreams and who they want to become when they grow up than it is with boys. It’s easier to get girls to talk to you when you’re driving in the car or doing dishes after dinner. Boys, when they do talk, often find it difficult to naturally cross over into emotional communication.
So the goal for The Whole Story for Boys was this: Give the boys all the information that they need (like in the girl’s version), but then also challenge them and their fathers to have real, meaningful conversations about not just puberty but what kind of person they are growing up to be. Give a place for those much-needed conversations to happen, since they’re often difficult to start.
These young boys are rapidly becoming young men, and having conversations about where God has gifted them, how you pray God will use them, and the not-as-fun stuff like the dangers of getting roped into the world of pornography will prepare them to not just get older, but to really grow up.
Are you terrified to give your kids “the talk?”
Last year we created The Whole Story for Girls–an online video-based course that helped moms tell their daughters about sex, puberty, and growing up.
And now we’re launching the boy’s version!
The course officially launches TONIGHT at midnight EST. But if you enroll now, you can get the course at a discounted price (the girl’s course is on sale right now, too!) and you’ll get a chance to help us shape what materials we create next for the course.
Learn More!
2. It’s incredibly difficult to not accidentally use innuendo
These are some actual titles that I wrote and then realized, “Maybe not a great idea”:
How to Handle Your Erections
Sex: Talking About the Hard Stuff
Getting a Handle on Masturbation
Yup. So glad I had proofreaders.
3. I needed a lot of outside help
I have no idea where to start when it comes to teaching guys how to clean uncircumcised penises. That particular gem was brought up when we had men go through the course to find things we were missing or needed to include. I also have no idea if there is a specific kind of underwear guys during puberty could wear to help keep unwanted erections in check. Thankfully, we are surrounded by a bunch of amazing men who were able to review the course and say, “Yep! Looks good!” or “Yeah no, not so much.”
After a few rounds of it being proofed, we finally got the finished product. But the VIP version isn’t quite finished yet because during this launch season we’ve been asking people who buy the course to tell us: What do you want additional help with that the course doesn’t cover? We’ll be adding that unit in the next month or so, and we’re excited to see what it is that you want!
To finish off for today I want to remind you of this: you don’t have to have it all together when talking to your kids about sex, puberty, and growing up. What they really need is just a parent they can talk to and who has shown them, “I want to hear not only about the good stuff, but the bad stuff, too.”
But having the right information really really helps, too.
Our mom did an awesome job of being an easy person to talk to. The information side? Not so much. That’s really what inspired us to create The Whole Story. And if you haven’t heard us talking about what we learned after it was too late when it came to puberty, watch this video (it’s pretty funny):
Thank you so much for your encouragement over this last week especially–it’s been wonderful seeing your comments and getting your feedback these last few days.
I want to leave you today with this question:
What is your prayer for your children as they grow up? What kind of giftings do you see already at work in them? Let’s brag about our kids for a bit in the comments below!
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Rebecca Gregoire Lindenbach is a 23-year-old Canadian blogger/author and the daughter of Sheila Wray Gregoire. Married since 2015, she is passionate about helping others challenge the status quo and live for more, whether in their relationships, their educational or occupational goals, or their walks with God. And yes, like her mother, she also knits.Find Rebecca Here:Rebecca's Website
Other posts by Rebecca on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
Retraining Your Brain to Fantasize about HIM--And No One Else!
Should it be a Struggle to Not Have Sex Before You’re Married?
10 of the Best Decisions You Can Make in Your First Year of Marriage
How To Not Be a Legalistic Parent
Why I Didn't Rebel (my most viral post ever)
Read the rest of Rebecca's posts on TLHV here!
Check out Rebecca's book and course:Why I Didn't Rebel. Ever wondered why some kids rebel and some don't? Or do you believe rebellion is inevitable? Rebecca interviewed 25 young adults and dove into psychology research to find out: what makes some kids rebel, and some stay on the straight-and-narrow?
The Whole Story: Not-So-Scary Talks about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up. Scared to talk to your daughter about puberty? Rebecca and her sister Katie want to do the hard part for you. This course is designed to start conversations to bring you closer together and strengthen your mother-daughter bond while giving your daughter all the information she needs as she becomes a woman.
Teenage rebellion doesn't need to be a part of your family's story. You can help your kids live for more! Get the first chapter of Why I Didn't Rebel for free here!
Interested in checking out The Whole Story?
Learn more now!
October 26, 2018
It’s Okay to Be Awkward Talking to Your Kids About Sex
Talking to your kids about sex and puberty is awkward.
It just is. It’s talking about something that is highly personal–really the most personal part of your life–with your children. It’s that moment when your children go from being naive to understanding a lot about how the world works. And you don’t necessarily want to think about them that way.
We’re in the middle of the launch week for The Whole Story: Not So Awkward Talks about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up, our online video-based course that takes your children through everything they need to know about sex and puberty. The cool part, and the absolutely unique part of our course, is that the videos for the kids are hosted by young mentors. My daughters (aged 20 & 22 when they recorded it) tell the girls are all the facts of life, and Sheldon Neil, a television host from Crossroads TV, talks to the boys. Then discussion questions, activity ideas, and more help parents continue that conversation.
Are you terrified to give your kids “the talk?”
Last year we created The Whole Story for Girls–an online video-based course that helped moms tell their daughters about sex, puberty, and growing up.
And now we’re launching the boy’s version!
The course officially launches October 29th. But if you enroll now, you can get the course at a discounted price (the girl’s course is on sale right now, too!) and you’ll get a chance to help us shape what materials we create next for the course.
Learn More!
This week I’ve wanted to help all of us get better at promoting a healthy view of sex in our society, especially focusing on how parents can be equipped to do this well with their teens. We looked first at confronting our own issues around sex and our own experiences with puberty. We talked about how to really listen to our kids. And we talked about how to stop inadvertently causing sexual shame.
Now, for our last challenge, I want to have a bit of a rah-rah moment.
Mom and Dad, you’ve got this.
You really have.
No one knows your children like you do, and because of that, no one is better equipped to talk to your own kids about sex and puberty than you are.
Moms and Dads, when it comes to talking to your kids about sex, you've got this. No one knows your children like you do, and because of that, no one is better equipped to talk to your own kids about sex and puberty than you are. Click To Tweet
And you are not alone. God wants you to do this well, and He is going to help you to do this well! He cares about you, He cares about your kids, He wants all of you to thrive in your current and future relationships. You can do this well. God has called you to parenting; He will not leave you now.
Doing this well, though, does not mean that you aren’t nervous.
Doing this well does not mean that it isn’t awkward.
Doing this well doesn’t mean that you won’t trip over your words, turn a little red, or take a while to think of a good answer to a question.
Doing this well doesn’t mean doing this perfectly.
Doing this well simply means doing it.
It means showing up and having the conversations.
So many parents avoid those conversations, assuming that the school will teach your kids what they need to know. If it’s taught by health teachers, then it won’t be as awkward, right?
I’m not so sure. After all, you know what’s really strange? Acting like sex is no big deal, which is the way the schools often teach it. That’s what makes kids mortified.
When a school shows pictures of the male and female anatomy in a mixed grade 6 or 7 classroom, or asks grade 7 students to pass around a condom to put on a lifesize replica of a penis (which is what happened to my daughter Katie’s friends ten years ago now), that’s mortifying. Schools try to break down kids’ natural and good modesty, because they believe that it’s modesty that is keeping kids from having conversations about safe sex. But that lacksadaisical attitude–see! This is normal! Everybody’s doing it!–will scar a child far more than a mom or a dad who wants to sit down, in private, and maybe with some ice cream, and explain “this is what is happening to your body and why.”
Maybe, instead of being so scared about awkwardness, we should embrace it. We don’t need to pretend like it’s no big deal.
After all, your children know that this is awkward! It’s not a big surprise to them. And if you act awkward, it will not scar them for life. In fact, if you talk about the fact that it’s awkward, and talk about WHY it’s awkward (maybe share some of the memories that came to you from our Day One and Day Two challenges), your kids will feel closer to you because they know you’re being genuine and authentic. You’re pulling the curtain back and letting them in, and they know that you’re doing this because it’s important and you care. You’re willing to risk something of yourself, and that matters to a child.
Will they try to rush through the conversations? Some will, some won’t. Will they ask questions? Again, some will, and some won’t.
But what your children will know is that you are willing to talk about this stuff. They will know more about you and understand more about what things were like for you as a teenager. And so they will know that you are a safe place.
Let us help you with The Whole Story!
A Special Note for Single Parents
If you’re a single mom raising a boy, or a single dad raising a girl, the puberty and sex talk can seem even worse. Are you even equipped to have those conversations with your child?
Obviously it’s great if you can pull in an aunt or an uncle, or a close family friend. But I think your child still needs to hear from you. They still need to know that you want to talk to them and be involved in their lives, even if they hit puberty and they’re not a kid anymore. They still need to know that they can come to you–in fact, it’s even more important that they know this, because kids of single parents often feel as if they have to grow up way too fast. Let them know that you’re still their parent, and they can still rely on you.
That’s one of the reasons we’re so excited about The Whole Story, actually. If you’re a single mom of boys, you can let Sheldon tell them all that stuff about erections and wet dreams and masturbation and porn and girls, but you can still be there to keep those conversations going, without having to be the one to explain it yourself! It’s our prayer that this is a great resource to equip single parents especially to guide their opposite-sex children through puberty, and still keep the lines of communication open. And we’ve tailored the questions and activities just for you, too!
Here we are talking about a question we had recently from a single mom:
For All of Us: Can The Whole Story Help with the Awkwardness?
That’s what we’re here for! We’re here to make it less awkward. But you can’t eliminate the awkwardness entirely! And that’s okay. If you find yourself so nervous that you don’t even know how to start the conversations, let Rebecca and Katie or Sheldon do that for you. Then you can use the discussion questions to keep that conversation going!
Or are you worried that you’ll forget something important (kind of like I forgot to teach Katie how to shave, so she totally cut herself up)? The course covers everything they need to know, from body changes to sex to hygiene to how to handle the opposite sex and peer pressure, at age appropriate levels. But then you can be the one
Or if you think your child would just enjoy hearing about all of this from someone who is more like a mentor or an older sibling, that’s what we can give you. We’ll tell the basic facts, and help your child navigate through….but then you get to join in and make sure that your child knows The Whole Story–the way you want it told. The activities and checklists help you personalize the messages just for your child.
Talking to your kids about sex and puberty will always be at least a little awkward. But that doesn’t mean it can’t also be fun, and memorable, and actually bonding.
That’s our prayer for The Whole Story. And I hope that’s what you experience, too!
Now let me know: was sex ed really awkward in your school? Or what do they do with your kids? Let’s talk in the comments!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
October 25, 2018
What Do You Do if Your Young Child Masturbates?
Catching your child touching himself or herself when they’re really young can be a difficult one for parents.
And it’s something that we often freak out about. What if they’re growing into sex addicts?
I get so many questions about how to handle a young daughter (say 3-9) who is masturbating. I’ve tackled this question before, too, so what I want to do today is take a step back and look at the root of our reaction (and the possible ramifications of it).
I think that when we infer sexual motives on our kids when there aren’t any, we can inadvertently cause sexual shame.
Guilt is feeling badly about something that you’ve done. Shame is feeling badly about something that you ARE.
They’re two very different things. And many of us grew up feeling shame, like there was something somehow wrong with us.
We’re in the middle of the launch week for our awesome Whole Story puberty course–an online video course for either girls or boys where young Christian mentors talk about the “facts” of sex and puberty on video, and then discussion questions, lesson plans, activity ideas and more equip parents to continue those conversations.
The Whole Story is an online course to help you talk to your kids about sex, puberty and growing up in a healthy, less-awkward way.
Last year we created The Whole Story for Girls–an online video-based course that helped moms give their daughters “the talk”.
And now we’re launching the boy’s version!
The course officially launches October 29th. But we’re doing a pre-launch sale so you can get the course at a discounted price (the girl’s course is on sale right now, too!) and a chance to help us shape what materials we create next for the course.
Check it out!
One of the reasons that we created The Whole Story was to help make these conversations about sex and puberty more matter of fact, less awkward, and hopefully easier to have! And this week I’ve been encouraging parents to think back to their own experiences with messages about sex and going through puberty.
If you look back over some of your answers to the questions earlier this week, you’ll likely remember some specific instances when you felt ashamed about something to do with sex or your body.
Often that shame has its root in how an adult reacted to something natural that we were doing. Here are some examples:
I always felt like I had bad breath and that I was stinky. I wasn’t used to showering frequently at puberty, and so a few times I DID stink. And even to this day, though I shower regularly obviously, I’m paranoid about being smelly around my wife.
Male Respondent
My mom took me aside at puberty to tell me that I had to be careful that I wasn’t a stumbling block to the men around me, including my family. I was so devastated. I wore XL T-shirts all through high school, even though I was a size 2.
Female Respondent on Instagram
When I was 6, my mom walked in when I was touching my penis. She looked horrified, and left the room. Then a few minutes later, my parents both sat down on the bed and made me sit between them, and told me that Jesus didn’t want me to do that and that I was making Jesus upset. That was meant for when I was married, and I shouldn’t be doing it now. I had no idea what they were talking about, and I didn’t know what being married had to do with it. I just remember being hot and red and I couldn’t look at my mom for several days afterwards.
Male Respondent
One of my earliest memories is my grandmother hitting my knee and giving me a disapproving stare in church whenever I swung my legs. She always told me that a girl kept her legs together!
Personal female friend
Do you see anything in common with all of those stories?
In each case, the child or preteen offended someone’s sensibilities, and were made to feel as if they were somehow bad. But in no case did any of them actually sin. In fact, in the case of the girl who didn’t want to be tempting, or the little girl who just liked to swing her legs, she did absolutely nothing at all. But they still merited disapproval. When we show our children that they are doing something wrong when there is absolutely no ill-intent on their part, it is all too easy to make those kids feel like there is something inherently bad about them. That’s how we cause shame.
When we show our children that they are doing something wrong when there is absolutely no ill-intent on their part, it is all too easy to make those kids feel like there is something inherently bad about them. That's how we cause shame.Click To TweetSo let’s take another step back and ask a bigger question:
Why were the adults getting upset?
A little girl naturally swings her legs when she’s bored (so do little boys, by the way). And a little girl, sitting in church surrounded by her family, should not be a temptation to anyone (and if she is, that’s on the sick pervert, not on the little girl). At every Christmas pageant I’ve ever been to, there’s always some 3-year-old girl who lifts up her dress. It really isn’t a Christmas pageant until at least one child tries to strip. That’s what little kids do!
But if our reaction to our children makes them feel like there is something wrong with their very natural inclinations, then we will be telling them that there is something wrong with THEM.
Why would we do this? Probably because we’ve internalized some of the messages that we were given as kids, about what it means to be proper, and how somehow being improper is the worst thing that you can do. And we think our worth is in being in control and being seen as “good”, rather than understanding that our worth is in Jesus.
I think there’s a similar dynamic in the parent who lambasted the preteen boy for being stinky. An 11-year-old is immature. He doesn’t have the discipline to know to shower everyday. He doesn’t realize he’s stinky. Yet when adults react to him like they are appalled that he is stinky, they’re usually reacting to their own insecurities and fears rather than their son’s. What if he’s rejected? What if he reflects badly on us? You should never let yourself be gross!
Why was the mom worried that her daughter would be a stumbling block to other men (even men in her family)?
There’s nothing wrong with a girl developing a woman’s body as she hits puberty. But in many Christian subcultures (as well as other cultures), we’re taught that if a guy lusts, it’s because we’ve done something wrong. And many women grow up paranoid that other females will steal their husband’s attention, or paranoid that our daughters are just plain not safe because all of these uncontrollable men are around.
Instead of laying the blame for lust where Jesus did–at the feet of men–we lay it at the feet of girls. And that’s wrong.
Here’s the key to avoiding shame: Don’t look at your child’s behaviour. Look at your child’s intent.
Did that boy mean to be stinky? No. He just didn’t realize that he was, and he hadn’t yet developed habits to help him not be stinky.
Did that girl mean to be “enticing” by swinging her legs? Of course not! She was being a toddler.
Did that girl intend to attract men’s eyes? Absolutely not!
But let’s deal with the more difficult one: What about the boy who was masturbating?
Or here’s an analogous one: What about a 12-year-old girl who wants to wear a lacy bra?
Those ones are trickier because they seem to have a sexual element. He’s touching his private parts. She’s wearing lingerie. And you may feel that you have to do what that boy’s parents did–talk to him about how God intended sex to be in marriage, or talk to her about how she shouldn’t try to be alluring.
Here’s where our lesson from yesterday comes into play. Listen to your kids and see where they’re coming from. Your child may do something that, if an older teenager did it, or if you did it, would have a sexual connotation. But that does not mean it’s sexual to your child.
It’s perfectly normal for small children to touch their private parts. It feels good. It can relieve stress. It doesn’t mean they’re thinking about sex.
A girl may want to wear lace because she thinks it’s pretty, not because she’s trying to attract boys.
Don’t infer sexual motives on your kids. Just deal with their behaviour.
If you react to your children in a way that assumes they were being sexual, when they weren’t, they will not understand what all the fuss is about. And they will assume that this thing they did that had to do with their body must be very, very, very bad. But because they didn’t do it with any evil intent, the badness transfers to the body itself. It’s got nowhere else to go. So now the child thinks his (or her) body is bad or dangerous.
What’s another way of handling it? Just be matter of fact, and concentrate on teaching what’s appropriate rather than inferring bad motives.
“Johnny, we don’t touch our penis in public.” Or, if he’s doing it too often, keep him busy! It could be a boredom or self-soothing technique. Here are other posts I’ve written on the subject:
Help! My 8-Year-Old Masturbates
Is the Modesty Message Making Girls Ashamed of Their Bodies?
“Heather, I think that bra is pretty, too, but let’s keep that one for a treat for when you’re a little bit older! How about we go shopping and look for some other great ones?”
“Lisa, remember, we keep our dress down when we’re outside the house!” (You can even make a song about it and laugh about it!).
Or,
“Tommy, you must have had a super active day today! I think it’s time for a shower!”
Last week I sat down with Rebecca and Sheldon, who filmed the girl’s version and the boy’s version of The Whole Story, and talked about how to stop our own biases from causing inadvertent shame on our kids. So here we are talking about what to do if your daughter (or son!) masturbates:
If you want your child to grow up with a healthy view of sex, then don’t react with disapproval when they’re acting normally. Look at the heart, not at the behaviour.
Want to raise your kids without sexual shame? Check out The Whole Story–both for boys and for girls. It’s on a special price during this launch period until Monday at midnight!
Yes! Let's do this right
Little girls masturbating is one of the most common questions I get. Have you ever had to deal with this? What did you do? Let’s talk in the comments!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
October 24, 2018
Day 3: The #1 Rule for Talking to Your Kids About Sex
Want to make talking to your kids about sex the least awkward as possible?
There’s one big rule when you’re talking to them about sex and puberty. And here it is. When you’re talking…. LISTEN. Yep. If you want to encourage your kids to actually come to you with questions, then you have to be willing to listen. Here at To Love, Honor and Vacuum we’re in the middle of launch week for The Whole Story: Not-So-Awkward Talks about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up.
The Whole Story is an online course to help you talk to your kids about sex, puberty and growing up in a healthy, less-awkward way.
Last year we created The Whole Story for Girls–an online video-based course that helped moms give their daughters “the talk”.
And now we’re launching the boy’s version!
The course officially launches October 29th. But we’re doing a pre-launch sale so you can get the course at a discounted price (the girl’s course is on sale right now, too!) and a chance to help us shape what materials we create next for the course.
Learn More!
This week I’m encouraging all of us to get better at talking about this important part of life–especially if you’re a parent of a teen or preteen, but also just for helping change the Christian subculture with how we talk about these things. We’ve already had two challenges so far:
Day One: What Were Your First Memories about Sex? Day Two: What Were Your Emotions Around Puberty?
Today I want to talk about the importance of listening, and figuring out where your children (or whoever else you’re talking to) are coming from. I think sex and puberty are such value-laden topics, that when they come up we almost stop acting like ourselves and start thinking, “Okay, I need to say all the right things now.” And we see our role as giving all of the right answers to the questions. We need to tell them about how sex is meant for marriage. We need them to know that porn is bad. We need to explain all about your period in detail. We need to make sure that they know that they shouldn’t go making out with someone! We panic. We forget about the person who is in front of us, wanting to have a conversation, and we instead think of this checklist of all the things we’re supposed to say.
Have you ever noticed how Jesus never did that when He talked to people?
He tailored His answers–but most especially His questions–to the individual who was sitting in front of Him. When the rich young ruler asked what he had to do to be saved, Jesus told him to sell all he had and give to the poor (Mark 10:17-27). He didn’t tell everyone that; He only told the rich young ruler that, because that was what was holding him up from truly surrendering to God. Other people had other roadblocks. He didn’t go around telling the Pharisees to sell all they had; instead, He sometimes ate in homes with them and had conversations (Luke 7:36-50); He sometimes blasted them as whitewashed tombs (Matthew 3:27-28); or He treated them with respect and asked questions of His own when they approached Him in the middle of the night seeking answers (John 3:1-21). He knew the heart behind the questions, and that’s what He was addressing. He didn’t just tell them everything they should believe; He met them where they were at.
Listening gives people the freedom to explore their thoughts and feelings
Talking to people about sex and puberty and growing up isn’t only about making sure they know all the “right” things. It’s really about helping them learn to think through the issues properly. These are extremely personal things that affect us deeply. We need to guide our kids and help them process it, helping them know that they’re allowed to have weird feelings about all of it. If we just give them the “right” answers, then they don’t feel as if they can talk through their feelings. Or, even worse, they can worry that any feelings or questions or confusion they feel is somehow bad. That cuts off not just conversation, but also cuts off an important part of themselves.
Listening tells others you care about them and you’re a safe place
If you just lecture them on facts, they can fear that their own feelings aren’t important to you, or their questions aren’t important to you. They can feel like you care more about making sure they know the “right” thing rather than making sure you understand where they’re coming from. Because of that, they know you’re not going to run away or react badly if they say something you don’t like; you’re going to give them a chance, because they matter to you. And when you give kids that impression, then they’re far more likely to come and ask you things when they get into a sticky situation, or they’re really confused by something. If they think your main aim is to make sure they just believe all the right way, they’ll be afraid to share any confusion with you.
How do you listen when you’re trying to have the “sex talk”?
Ask questions!
Our tendency, when we’re nervous about something (and it IS awkward talking to your child about sex) is to go to one of two extremes: Either we say very little, or we say way too much. We either say a bit and clam up and hope they don’t ask us anything more; or we keep talking to try to fill the dead space. What I’d recommend doing is saying a little bit, and then asking your child some questions, like:
How do you feel about that?
Have your friends ever told you anything about this?
Do you think your friends are going through this too?
Do you have anything you want to ask me?
And you can probably think of more, too! (And there are discussion questions in The Whole Story to help you do that!)
Leave room for silence
Kids often need time to process what they’ve heard before they respond, especially if your child is an introvert. Setting aside some time when it’s safe to continue the conversation, even if it’s not right now, is really helpful. One of the best ways to do that is to talk to them during a “date”, or when there’s something else planned. In The Whole Story, we’ve got suggested mother-daughter or father-son activities that you can do for an afternoon, a day, or a weekend. You can start a conversation in the car, and then if your child is quiet for a little bit, that’s okay. But then, later on, you can revisit the topic when they’ve had time to process it.
Don’t freak out if your child says something you disagree with
Because sex and puberty are so value-laden to us (we want them to wait until marriage for sex, for instance, or we want them to avoid porn and masturbation), it’s easy to start to panic if you think your child doesn’t “get it” or isn’t embracing your values. But if your child reacts to something that’s said in The Whole Story videos or in conversations with you negatively, think before you react in kind. Remember, the purpose here is to help your child feel like they can talk to you and process things. You can’t force them to believe a certain way, but you can model to them what a life of believing that way looks like. So let’s say you’re talking to your child, and she says that she really wants to wear make-up when you think it’s not appropriate; or he thinks that you’re overreacting when it comes to what movies you think he can watch. Or maybe your child thinks that your insistence that sex before marriage is wrong is archaic. Reacting angrily will likely push your child away. But here are some ways to keep those lines of communication open:
Share your own personal experiences of what happened when you were a teen, and why you believe that way
Share your concerns about others who have followed a different path than the one that you travelled
Ask your child why he or she believes that way. Keep listening, and keep asking probing questions so that you understand.
If necessary, leave it for now and come back to the conversation later. End with, “I’m so glad that we can talk through these things, even if we don’t see things the same way. And I want you to know that you can always come to me and ask me questions.”
Your Challenge: Listen to Your Child
Monday’s and Tuesday’s challenges were about plumbing your own heart and figuring out what you think and feel. Today I challenge you to listen to what your child thinks. If you have a teen or preteen, ask them about the best thing that happened to them this week, or the worst thing that happened to them. And just listen! Ask probing questions if they don’t say much, like “how did that make you feel?” or “what did you decide to do about that?” If you have a smaller child, this lesson is even more important. Teach your child now, while they’re little, that you enjoy listening to them! Get down to their level, look them in the eye, and just listen while they tell you a story. Laugh with them. Hug them. And just listen. Little kids love telling us things, but often we try to rush them or shut them up because they can’t tell a story in order, or they’re more “stream of consciousness” talkers. Let them talk. Show them Mommy or Daddy enjoys them. That’s how you set the stage for talking to them about the hard things later!
Don’t Have Kids Right Now?
Practice your listening skills on each other! Try the 50 Conversation Starters for Couples
And if you have do have kids–take advantage of this awesome deal on The Whole Story now! You’ll save $30 if you buy it before Monday at midnight. Let’s make the commitment to guide our kids through puberty WITHOUT shame.
Did your parents listen to you? What did they do (or not do) to give you the impression that your thoughts and feelings mattered? Let’s talk in the comments!
Check out The Whole Story!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
October 23, 2018
Day Two: What Emotions Do You Associate with Puberty?
We’re spending a week getting honest with ourselves about how we feel about sex and puberty–so that we can make we don’t pass on sexual shame!
This week is a big week here at To Love, Honor and Vacuum, because our Whole Story puberty course is launching, for both girls and guys.
Are you terrified to give your kids “the talk?”
Last year we created The Whole Story for Girls–an online video-based course that helped moms tell their daughters about sex, puberty, and growing up.
And now we’re launching the boy’s version!
The course officially launches October 29th. But if you enroll now, you can get the course at a discounted price (the girl’s course is on sale right now, too!) and you’ll get a chance to help us shape what materials we create next for the course.
Learn More!
I know not all of you have teens and preteens, but I thought that during this week we could do some exercises that will help ALL of us, no matter our parenting situation, have a healthier outlook on our bodies and sex and be better equipped to talk to others in a helpful way.
Of course, if you have kids approaching puberty this is even more crucial! But it’s also important that all of us do what we can to change the culture with how we understand sex, puberty, and our bodies.
Yesterday I gave you your first challenge: Think of your first big memory that you associate with learning about sex. How did that affect you? (And many of us may have more than one big memory!).
Now I want to expand that challenge not just to look at sex, but also to look at puberty.
If you experienced a lot of shame going through puberty, that could affect how you communicate to your child about the changes that he or she is going through. But we can’t embrace the truth about how God made us, and that mature bodies are something to celebrate, until we also come face to face with the emotions that have shaped our thoughts on the matter.
And puberty is an emotionally laden time that often dictates how we feel about ourselves! Here are just a few of the comments that came through Instagram and social media last week:
I had the boob “problem” – except opposite! I’m quite flat. It took a LONG time, like well into my early 20s, to embrace it and realize I’ll just have never more than a A cup. But to make matters worse, in 5th grade – though I didn’t have a chest like most girls – I got my mom’s backside. It got to the point of being sexually harassed pretty often, though I didn’t know any better at the time.
Instagram respondent
I was so confused by my feelings towards girls. I’d get erections in class and be petrified that someone would notice. But I also couldn’t stop looking at the girls. My father and grandfather had stacks of porn magazines, and I felt like I was becoming like them. I grew up with all sisters, so it made me feel like I was becoming really creepy. I still don’t know where to look when I’m at the beach.
Male commenter
The worst part was how awkward and embarrassed Mom was about everything. (Sorry Mom, I know you tried your best!) That made me feel embarrassed and ashamed. I eventually asked Mom to just buy a book, because I couldn’t bear talking about it.
Facebook reader
If those are the primary feelings you have about puberty, how is that going to affect how you feel about your body, and how you feel about your child’s body?
If growing breasts and needing a bra is shameful, then it’s going to be hard to get excited about taking your child out shopping for a bra.
If a man remembers his junior high years with involuntary erections as being a shameful part of his history, and associates it with early battles with lust that he’s never recovered from, having those conversations with his son about preparing him for these thoughts, or for wet dreams, will be even more difficult. How can you share without revealing too much ugliness about yourself?
So let’s deal with the ugliness and guilt and shame about puberty that we feel by revealing it–and then fighting it with truth.
If I were to ask you what words you most associate with puberty, what comes to mind? I’ve got a whole bunch here, and some are about sinful habits that may have started at that time. Don’t shy away from that, because often our secret sins that started then impact how we talk to our kids. We’re scared that because we started masturbating then, our kids will. And we just don’t want to think about that possibility! Look at this list, and then pick 3 words that you most associate with your own experience with puberty.
Some of you may want to pick 4 words–one from each list. But I don’t want you to do that. Just choose 3, because it forces you to ignore AT LEAST one list (and maybe more). Which list you ignore is almost as interesting as which lists you tend to gravitate to!
R
Positive
Excited
Empowered
Mature
Proud
Grown Up
Fun
Q
Negative
Ugly
Too big
Too small
Lonely
Unattractive
Inadequate
Mortificating
Physically Disgusting
Uncoordinated
s
Dangerous
Bullied
Unwanted attention
Unwanted touch
Sexual harassment
Sexual assault
Guilty
Lusting
Masturbation
Pornography
Erotica
Ideally, we want to raise kids that choose at least 2 positive words–and maybe one negative one. (I really don’t think you can avoid the negative entirely! But we at least want a positive word to be the primary one.)
It’s hard to do that, though, if all of our own words are negative, dangerous, or guilt-inducing.
If Your Words Are Negative:
Mourn with yourself that you grew up with the idea that your body was somehow inadequate! It’s okay to be sad for young you. Even share with your spouse, or a friend, some of these emotions and some of these memories, so they understand. In fact, if you can recall a specific instance that gave you some of those feelings, even better.
Now, picture that memory (or memories) that caused same, and ask yourself, “What was Jesus thinking about me in this situation?” And then start telling yourself that truth!
Then ask, “What do I wish my experience had been like instead?” Try to walk through your first bra shopping, or your first period, or your first wet dream (if you’re a guy), and ask, “how would I rather than this had been handled?”
That’s how you’re going to handle it with your child! And if you’re not a parent, then still go through this exercise, because it helps you develop a better way of talking about it with other young people, or with friends.
If Your Words are Dangerous:
Was sex used as a weapon against you? Maybe you were assaulted. Maybe you grew up feeling like there was something fundamentally wrong with your body. One woman said this:
Having grown up in a community that treated anything related to sexuality as taboo, and that taught me that I had a duty to “protect my Christian brothers” from temptation…developing breasts was a nightmare. I would wear my bra as tight as it would go, and then put on TWO sports bras on top of that!! Anything to flatten myself and hide the existence of these shameful (i thought) things.
Instagram respondent
We can grow up feeling like our bodies are dangerous to ourselves, because that can cause other people to lust after us, or to actually assault and hurt us.
If you’ve been through this, I’d encourage you to think through these questions:
Has “being dangerous” impacted how I treat my body? Has it led to overeating (so I hide my figure), undereating (so I disappear), or substance abuse?
Has it affected how I dress? Is my primary motivation not to draw attention to myself?
Has it affected how I see sex?
For some of you, this is an extremely traumatic exercise, because you were abused. And if that’s the case, I pray that you are able to find a counsellor to talk to who can help you through these memories. They need to be addressed, but you do not need to feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with you!
Once you’ve gone through these questions, ask yourself, “Can I change my thought patterns so it doesn’t result in destructive behaviours, or destructive ways of relating to others?”
If you’re still on a healing journey (and let’s face it; most of us are!), one word of encouragement. It’s okay to be honest with your child. If your child hears, “I never learned how to consider myself pretty when I was a teen, and I still struggle with knowing what to wear. I really want to be better, but I want you to know that I think you’re beautiful, and maybe we can learn together”, your child will feel empowered. Authenticity and vulnerability breeds closeness. You don’t need to be perfect; your child will understand insecurities. But if they hear you voice those insecurities, then they’ll be better able to process some of the things you do that may confuse them.
If Your Words Are Guilt-Inducing
For many of us, puberty was the start of a secret habit with pornography, erotica, or masturbation. And many of us have not fully dealt with that ourselves, which makes it even harder to guide our children well through this.
If you got hooked on porn or erotica when you were a young teen or preteen, please know that this is natural and common.
A young child being drawn in by that is not the same as an adult, who is fully aware of the dangers of these things, getting drawn into it. A child has no weapons against it. A child has natural curiosity about sex, and is naturally drawn to things that teach about sex (even in a bad way).
And when a habit is formed at that age, it’s very hard to stop.
If you had words in this column, admit that you have sinned. Admit that you were, or even still are, trapped. And now I’d encourage you to find freedom: Tell someone about it so that it loses its power over you. If you need it, ask for some accountability. This is especially hard to do if you’re a woman, because we don’t talk about women’s struggles with pornography very often. But they’re real, too!
And then know that just because you got sucked in, it doesn’t mean that your child will!
Ask yourself: What made it easy for me to become addicted? Was it boredom? Access to porn or erotica? My parents not knowing what was going on with me? Stress? Feelings of inadequacy?
Now, what can you do to make those things less likely for your child? You certainly can create a less porn-friendly home! And you can open up lines of communication about this, too (and The Whole Story can help with that!).
What if Sinful Words WEREN’T on Your List?
Maybe you sailed through puberty without masturbation or lust problems. That’s great! But then it’s especially important not to assume that your child will do the same. In The Whole Story, we do touch on masturbation and porn in both the girl’s and boy’s versions, which gives you a way to start those conversations with your kids. Just because you didn’t struggle with it doesn’t mean your kids won’t!
If You’re a Parent…
One last exercise. Look back at those words, and ask yourself: What are the words I want my child to one day put on their list, when they think back to puberty? And now ask yourself, “What am I doing now to make sure that happens?”
I hope The Whole Story can help you with that! And if your kids are still young, that’s okay. When you buy the VIP version, you’ll get lifetime access to the courses, including all the new elements we’ll be adding as time goes on. And I also have some pointers in the VIP version on how to start these conversations when children are very young so that they’re ready for the real talks when they hit puberty.
Plus, if you get it this week, you’ll get it at a special price!
What if Talking to Your Child about Sex and Puberty Didn’t Have to Be Scary?
The Whole Story does the hard part for you! This online video based course features Christian young people explaining to your kids all about sex, puberty, peer pressure, dating, hygiene, and more, so that your kids have all the information they need.
But it’s not a REPLACEMENT for you. It’s a RESOURCE. Let us start the hard conversations, so that you can continue them.
And until October 29 at midnight, get a huge discount off the regular price.
Take me to it!
Okay, I’m going to be very vulnerable with you. My 3 words were erotica, mature, and inadequate. Anyone want to share theirs in the comments?
Author
Social Media
Sheila's Best Posts
Books
Courses
Freebie
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
