Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 97
October 22, 2018
Day One: What Did You Think When You First Learned About Sex?
It’s time to talk about sex, puberty, and growing up!
I am so excited to announce, after a whole year of waiting, that the boys’ version of our Whole Story Puberty Course is here!
Last year we launched The Whole Story: Not So Awkward Talks about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up. It’s an online video-based course that parents share with their kids to teach about puberty (and sex!). The girl’s version features my daughters, Rebecca and Katie. The boy’s version features Sheldon Neil from Crossroads TV. And then videos and audios give parents (including single parents!) pep talks, while print-outs, discussion starters, and mother-daughter or father-son activities help parents to continue the conversation.
Check out The Whole Story here!
And here we were, after filming some of it, just chatting about the need for it:
Our official launch date is next Monday (the 29th), and this week we’re adding more things to the course everyday!
But you can pre-order the course at an amazing low price. It’s usually $99 for the VIP version for girls or boys, but until next Monday at midnight you can get BOTH courses for just $129. Or you can buy the VIP version for just one sex for $69.
This week, as we’re launching the course, I thought I’d make a 5-day challenge for us to help us all handle these conversations (whether they’re with our kids or with others) better.
One of the reasons that this course is so necessary is because a lot of us find it difficult to talk to our kids about sex and puberty because we carry a lot of shame.
And it’s not just parents who find these discussions awkward, either! Many of us feel awkward even talking to our spouses about sex, or when we’re mentoring younger people, because it just seems wrong somehow.
And I think that comes first by identifying some of our own issues with sex and puberty.
I recently received this question from a reader:
Reader Question
I have lost count of the number of times I’ve felt validated through your words. Our sex life was such a struggle when we first got married thanks to the whole puritan view, sex is bad, sex is bad, sex is bad…NOPE, now sex is good. I was a WRECK about sex and my body did not respond in any way to sex. After reading your articles, I realize that I did have a physical issue as well. My doc at the time told me to see a therapist because it was all in my head; I was way too uptight about sex. NOT HELPFUL. My parents never talked to me about becoming a woman, sex, or anything. We never said the word. I didn’t have any advice for my honey moon and it was a very painful time for me, physically. Sex was not good. I lived in a very modest, prudish household, and I am still that way, if I’m not consciously challenging myself. I don’t want that for my children. I struggle with making sex a comfortable topic in our home. I have four children (we figured out sex at least four times, lol) and I don’t want them to have the same issues and hangups I have. Help me break that cycle. Your words speak to a deep place in my soul, and I often weep when I read your words. I feel validated. I feel uplifted. I feel encouraged. Keep speaking the truth to us; keep fighting to take sex back from the world and make it beautiful (and FUN!) again.
I love that!
So here’s what we’re going to do.
Each day this week I’m going to issue you a simple challenge to help you feel more comfortable talking about sex.
Often it’s just something to think about, journal about, or even talk to your spouse about on a walk tonight after dinner. But let’s deal with the roadblocks that we have seeing sex as a good, positive, intimate thing the way that God intended (and the way I describe in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex).
Many of us who work here at To Love, Honor and Vacuum shared on Friday about the worst parts of puberty for us. Often our shame about sex, and our inability to talk about it, stems from deep shame about our bodies, as if there’s something wrong with them.
What happens when a mom feels that?
When her son or daughter starts hitting puberty, she’s going to want to avoid it. She’s going to feel like it’s something to mourn. She’s going to feel like it’s hard to talk to her kids now, because she’s somehow sad for them, even if she doesn’t want to be. She’s going to think of something else to talk about every time it may come up, because she doesn’t want her child to feel the shame that she does, and the only way to avoid that is to hope that her child just doesn’t think about it much.
What happens if a dad grows up feeling very, very ashamed because when he was 8 he saw a stack of Playboy magazines, and felt aroused?
And then he grew up feeling like he was some sort of pervert. Now his son is 10, but how can he talk to him about the dangers or our pornographic society when he feels deeply ashamed himself? It seems easier to ignore it.
But that doesn’t work, because big changes are happening. And encouraging kids to hide those changes, ignore them, or pretend these changes don’t matter makes the child feel like there’s something fundamentally wrong with having an adult body and adult desires.
Likely we’d all agree with that. Our letter writer certainly would! She said that she struggles making sex a comfortable topic, but she also doesn’t want that for her kids.
But here’s the sad truth about parenting: Our kids tend to pick up on our own attitudes about sex.
Even if we don’t want them to, they tend to follow what our emotions are obviously showing, rather than what our words are saying. So it isn’t enough to figure out how to say the right words to our kids. We have to address our own emotions.
How do we change the way we think about something? We have to replace it with truth. And many of us think we have done that. Intellectually, we know that sex is a positive thing in marriage that should be celebrated. We know that our bodies are precious and made by God. We can likely even point to Bible verses that say such things (like Psalm 139:13-14).
But replacing it with truth doesn’t just mean that you ADD truth to the equation. It means you must deal with what’s there first.
2 Corinthians 10:5 says this:
2 Corinthians 10:5
We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
It’s not about just rejecting thoughts that come into your head and replacing them with truth; it’s about demolishing those arguments and pretensions first.
You have to face what’s already there before the truth can take hold. Unless you demolish those arguments–unless you face the truth about what you’re really feeling–those feelings will still have power over you. And that’s going to come out in how you talk about sex, especially with your kids.
So here’s what I want you to do today, your first day of your challenge.
Think back to the very first time you heard about sex, or the very first time you became aware of the fact that your body was somehow sexual. What were you doing? What happened? What is it a good experience, or a bad one? Try to picture that scene as much as you can, and walk yourself through it.
Let me give you an example. I had learned about sex before this, and I don’t remember being traumatized by it very much at all (I think my mom gave me a book, and it was fine). But I do have a vivid memory of the phone ringing when I was about 10, and answering it. A man was on the other end. I thought initially he was a friend of the family, but the first thing he did was ask me my name and my age. I told him (what did I know)? Then he started asking very sexually suggestive things. It was the first time I had ever heard of oral sex. I felt horrified and didn’t know what to do.
I felt so dirty, even though I hadn’t done anything wrong. I was even too scared to hang up the phone. But I can still vividly remember what room I was in when I got that phone call, what time of day it was, what I was thinking. It was my first real entrance into the “adult” world. And it felt really, really yucky.
Maybe you have a story like that that needs to be dealt with. Maybe you were younger than I was. Whatever it was, think about that story. Then ask yourself these questions:
How did this make me feel about sex or my body?
Did this make me believe any lies about sex? If so, what were they?
What is the truth that I’m going to believe instead?
Now tell yourself that truth. When we deal with those memories, we don’t have to feel stuck. That’s what I want for you this week! So join in for another four challenges to get you ready to embrace God’s truth about sex, puberty, and growing up.
Are you overwhelmed by the idea of teaching your kids about sex?
Let us start the conversation for you, and we’ll take care of the tough spots.
Check out The Whole Story: not-so-scary truths about sex, puberty, and growing up!
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Anyone else willing to share their memory? What effect did it have on you? Let me know in the comments!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
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October 19, 2018
We Answer: What’s the WORST Thing About Puberty?
The Whole Story for girls is a video-based online course featuring my daughters (Katie and Rebecca) explaining how sex works, what your period is, all about bras, and hygiene, as well as peer pressure and how to handle dating. The girls start the conversations by talking about the awkward stuff, but then checklists, discussion questions, and mother-daughter activities help moms keep those conversations going.
And now we’ve got the boy’s version almost all ready to go (just working on the final touches this weekend!). We approached Sheldon Neil, an awesome young television personality out of Crossroads TV, and asked if he’d like to be involved, and he jumped at the chance. He’s so great on camera, and he’s cool, too, so I think boys will see him as an awesome mentor. And what Sheldon really put into the boy’s version, too, is how to grow godly character in those years.
When I first met Sheldon–he interviewed me for Context TV
Sheldon Neil, the host of “Outside the Box” on Crossroads TV
So we thought, in preparation for The Whole Story launching next week, that I’d survey a bunch of people who are part of To Love, Honor and Vacuum behind the scenes and ask them: “What was the worst part about puberty for you?” And we got some great answers!
And I’ll start with myself:
This is going to sound weird, but the worst part was feeling like I was grown up, feeling like everyone around me was grown up, feeling like no one understood I was grown up–but not actually being grown up and not able to admit that to myself. I just didn’t know so many things, but I thought I did. And I wasn’t mature enough to be an adult. But I thought I was supposed to be one. I just didn’t give myself permission to be a kid anymore. And it made me way too serious and boy-crazy too fast.
Sheila Gregoire
Blogger, Author, Speaker
Puberty as a whole wasn’t that hard for me, but it was embarrassing because my voice was cracking–and I talk so much! And even though my acne wasn’t that bad, when I did get pimples they would be huge and right on the tip of my nose. I went through life feeling like Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.
Keith Gregoire
Doens't work on the blog, but is an amazing doctor, Plus he's Sheila's husband!
The worst thing about puberty is that, honestly, for a solid two years I was really really ugly. It’s like my nose ears, and nipples grew first, and everything else took a long time to catch up. And to make matters worse, at the time I was trying so hard to dress like an adult–but I wasn’t thinking, “Cool, hip 18-year-old”. Nope, I wanted to look like someone in her mid-thirties. I wanted my fashion choices to say, “I have a mortgage, four kids, and a labrador retriever.” I was a 12-year-old who loved tweed. It was a rough few years.
Rebecca Lindenbach
Host of The Whole Story, author of Why I Didn't Rebel , Plus she's Sheila's Daughter
I’ve never really thought that Rebecca was fair to herself! She’s always talking about how ugly she was, but that’s honestly not how I remember it.
Rebecca remembers herself like this:
But I remember her like this:
But then, I’ll always be her mom! 
October 18, 2018
Do All Women Feel Lonely?
I’m not sure if I can point to a single time in my life where I didn’t feel a little bit lonely–a little bit like an outsider.
And yet, the more I talk to other women, the more I hear the same thing, over and over again. We all feel like outsiders.
Recently I was sent Stasi Eldredge’s new book Defiant Joy: Taking Hold of Hope, Beauty, and Life in a Hurting World, and I just gobbled it up. The book, which launched this week, spoke to a lot of the things I’ve been feeling lately–that honest recognition that you could be quite satisfied with your life, and not really want to change anything, and yet still feel tremendously restless, tremendously tired, tremendously like there’s not something quite right.
Stasi was so real in the book, talking about different periods of struggling with addictions in her life, with depression, with health issues, with busy-ness. But the loneliness chapter made me tear up. And I really wasn’t expecting that.
She writes:
I have also been on the other side of the plate-glass window from other women, noticing as they share glances and inside jokes of connection and friendship and wondering at their intimacy. Friends respond to invitations on Facebook to parties I was not party to. People speak of movies and books they love that I have tried to watch or read but, too often, after the first few minutes have shaken my head in dismay and walked away. I do not share many, oh so many, of my friends’ and family’s experiences.
I don’t fit.
I’m outside.
Something must be bent and broken within me…
I recently shared this with my husband and sons, about so frequently feeling like an outsider to my world, to them, even to myself. They nodded their heads, eyes filled with shared self-recognition. I was surprised to realize that they, too, were acquainted with that feeling in the different phases of their own lives.
Oh. It isn’t just me. It isn’t just you either. feeling “other”, feeling “apart,” feeling that we don’t “quite fit” is the human condition….We humans are a mystery. We are not meant to be a stranger unto our very selves, but feeling like a stranger in our world, even to those closest to us, is often a commonplace experience.
I wonder if part of the problem is that a truly intimate, life-giving friendship is difficult on this side of heaven because it requires two things that are often elusive–we have to truly be able to give willingly of ourselves, despite our busy lives, but in order to do so, we also have to be honest about who we are. We can’t be intimate if we don’t share; and yet can we honestly share? I’m not so sure, because so often I spend my time wrestling with myself about what I really think. If I don’t know myself, how can I honestly share that with someone else? Perhaps it’s no surprise, then that we often feel like no one truly knows us.
That’s what Stasi writes:
Feeling alone is a sorrow we share, and being alone is the first thing God named as “not good”….Yet we do feel alone. Isolated. Not understood and too often not wanted. It is not merely your condition; it is one we all have, and one that we feel compelled to run from. Numb. Escape. Ignore. It is a difficult thing to long for connection and meaning and live under a burden of futility and an emptiness that mocks….
We have an ache. It is a valid one. Of course we long to be endlessly loved; we are made in the image of a God who is endlessly loving. We ache with desire because we are meant for a life that is not yet ours.
This life is not perfect and it’s not meant to fully satisfy. We hear that from a lot of Christian books. But what I like about Stasi is that she doesn’t try to turn it into a guilt trip (“if you’re unhappy, it means you’re not really yearning for God!”) No, the first step towards joy comes from being honest about our life.
Ignoring reality does not breed joy. Pretending that what is true does not exist is not holy defiance. The seeds of joy can only be firmly planted in the pungent soil of the here and now while at the same time being tethered to eternity. Joy is fully rooted in the truth. Joy embraces all the senses and is fully awake to the laughter, the wonder, and the beauty present in the moment as well as the sorrow, the angst, and the fear. Joy says, “Even so, I have a reason to celebrate.”
A week and a half ago my husband and I were in New Brunswick for a family reunion on his side of the family. One conversation that melted my heart was between Keith’s aunt and his uncle. For a bit of history, in 1963 Keith’s grandmother was driving a car, with her niece sitting next to her and her sister-in-law in the passenger side. In the backseat was Keith’s grandfather, Keith’s uncle, who was 11 at the time, and a great-uncle (the husband and father, respectively, of the other two in the front seat).
That car was hit head on by a drunk driver. All three females died. All the males survived.
The cemetery where they are buried is dedicated to them, with this plaque as you enter:
Keith’s uncle was injured in that accident, and walks with a limp (though that doesn’t stop him from exploring Fundy with us! He’s very active.)
At the time of the accident, Keith’s dad was 18, and his aunt was 15. The aunt sort of took over the running of the house, and that involved raising the uncle. About six or seven years later, Keith’s grandfather remarried, to a wonderful woman who was loved by all.
The grave where Keith’s grandmother was laid to rest, alongside his grandfather and his step-grandmother.
During that conversation 10 days ago, Keith’s aunt, who was busy clearing the table and serving the rest of us, apologized offhand for being so bossy and not much of a sister in those days. Keith’s uncle, with a twinkle in his eye, piped up and said, “I always tell everyone that I had the privilege in my life of having three wonderful mothers. You included. Not many people can say that.”
I had to turn away from my sisters-in-law as my eyes started to well up. It was a tiny moment, amid the bustle of a large family dinner. But it was precious.
Keith’s Uncle Allan has a beautiful soul. I had just read Defiant Joy the week before, and it hit me in that moment that this gentle but strong man was defiant. He was a fighter. He had lost his mother in an instant; he had become permanently injured. And yet Uncle Allan chooses to see the beauty in the world–and when you are in the same room with him, you see it with him.
I love how Stasi defines this kind of attitude in the midst of the ugliness of life:
Defiant may not be a word we would normally associate with the living God, but it can actually be quite fitting. Defiance means resistance, opposition, noncompliance, disobedience, dissent, and rebellion. And when it comes to things that would destroy our souls, that is exactly the right response.
Don’t ignore the fact that the world is ugly. Just engage in the fight!
This Saturday is the anniversary of my father’s death.
The family a few years ago at my half-brother’s wedding. About a year after my dad was diagnosed.
I told you about it last year, as it was happening. My father and I had never had a close relationship (I’m not sure if we ever had a truly intimate conversation our entire life). When I watch some movies or TV shows, I have true “Father Hunger” (I’m a sap for Blue Bloods. I so want Tom Selleck to be my dad.) I’ve always felt like somehow that was wrong, like I had to get over that or something if I’m going to be right with God. And in reading Defiant Joy, I have a much more lighter attitude about it.
There is nothing wrong with my Father Hunger. In fact, I can see it as a joy, because it can be the catalyst to drive me closer to God. I don’t have to defeat it. I will just find that, as God is revealed more and more, it matters less.
Sadness does not mean that something is wrong with us, but rather than something is wrong with our world.
Sadness does not mean that something is wrong with us, but rather than something is wrong with our world. - Stasi Eldredge, Defiant Joy Click To Tweet
That was a good lesson to me. And so I invite you into a journey of Defiant Joy. Not in ignoring the reality of what you are going through, or in having to do some sort of spiritual jiu jitsu to pretend that you don’t feel what you really do feel. No, it’s just that in those feelings, you fight. You yell. You wrestle. You don’t push them aside. Instead, you let it all hang out as you turn to God.
And there, in the midst of the real honesty, is where you will find Him.
I really enjoyed the book. It was real and raw, and it didn’t ask us as Christians to turn ourselves into pretzels or else God will be mad at us. It just instead invited us to admit that life is difficult, but in the midst of it, there really is great joy because of who God is, and how He made us. And so we can be defiant in the midst of those pains. We can fight for freedom.
If you’re lonely or scared or sad, then, I invite you to be defiant, and join Stasi on this journey. It really will be a life changing one.
Check out Defiant Joy here!
Do you think loneliness is universal? Why is that? Let’s talk in the comments!
October 17, 2018
Can Natural Family Planning Work for You?
Or are people who use natural family planning basically guaranteed to be parents pretty soon?
I’ve been dedicating the Wednesdays in October to looking at birth control methods! We started with the pros and cons of different methods, and then looked specifically at The Pill. I also talked about how birth control should be a shared responsibility!
But as we’ve been having this conversation, I’ve been amazed at how many women said that the Pill just didn’t work for them (it didn’t work well for me, either!). And that’s why I want to spend today talking about how you can actually track your fertility naturally.
I’m actually going to turn this post over to Joanna, a young woman who does a lot of work behind the scenes on this blog. She’s done a ton of research into this, and has used it herself both to avoid pregnancy AND to get pregnant, and so I thought she’d be the perfect one to share it with you (plus she has a Master’s in Public Health and she’s super smart). So here’s Joanna!
The more we looked into hormonal birth control methods, the more we loved barrier methods and natural family planning.
As Sheila talked about last week: lots of people find the pill (or other methods of hormonal birth control) work really well for them but lots of others don’t. And you can’t know which category you’ll be in until it’s too late.
In contrast to hormonal birth control, which changes your body to make you unable to conceive that month, non-hormonal methods either physically keep the sperm and egg apart (barrier methods) or temporally keep them apart (Natural Family Planning) to prevent pregnancy.
Natural Family Planning (NFP) operates by taking advantage of this one simple principle: a woman can only become pregnant a few days a month. If sex is avoided during that period (or if barrier methods are used then), pregnancy won’t occur.
Pretty simple, right?
The trick is in identifying the fertile window each month (and providing enough buffer so that random differences between cycles don’t cause a surprise baby).
NFP isn’t the rhythm or calendar method your grandmother may have used, which is based solely on dates. We’ve developed much more scientific and accurate methods of tracking fertility.
If you’re at all thinking about using NFP or are thinking about trying to conceive sometime soon, please purchase Taking Charge of your Fertility. It’s a real winner of a book and gives a great overview of all these topics in much greater depth.
Natural family planning really isn’t terribly difficult. It requires three things:
understanding your body
understanding the method you’re going to be using
and having the self-discipline to carry it out
If used correctly, the unintended pregnancy rate with natural family planning is about 1% in a year–basically the same as other methods of birth control. The downside is that if it isn’t used correctly, the unintended pregnancy rate can be as high as 25% in a year.
Did you know that the effectiveness rate for the fertility awareness method of birth control is the same as The Pill--but ONLY if you do it properly? Click To Tweet
But, honestly, it only takes a few minutes a day to deal with. You’ll need to take your temperature in the morning before getting out of bed, keep an eye on your toilet paper (to track cervical mucous), and use a journal or an app to keep track. If you’re using the Marquette method, you’ll also need to take a urine estrogen sample (more on that later). Personally, I’ve never done the temperature taking or the urine estrogen test, but I found the mucus testing really easy and manageable.
Maybe all that sounds like WAY too much work, and it might be. But seriously, it’s less intense than you’d think (and it’s the most overwhelming at the start). We’re going to cover some of the basics in this post, but to do NFP well, take a course! Give a look for one in your area or check one out online.
An additional note: while I have many ties to the Catholic church (my Dad was raised Catholic, my siblings attended Catholic school, etc.) I’m not Catholic. I agree with a lot of what the Catholic church has to say about fertility, but I am going to cover – and even recommend – using barrier methods or pulling out in this post, which I know contradicts the Catholic church’s teaching on this area. However, in my research into NFP (both for this post, during my engagement years ago, and during my infertility journey more recently) most of the information I found about NFP was from a Catholic perspective. I hope this post helps bring an Evangelical perspective to the topic, while being grateful for the wonderful NFP resources and methods developed by the Catholic church.
To do NFP well, you need to understand your cycle
The menstrual cycle is about 28 days on average, though many women have longer or shorter cycles, and has 4 distinct phases. First, the uterine lining is shed (“menstrual bleeding” aka “period” approximately 3-6 days), then a follicle develops (the follicular phase; approximately days 7-13), an egg is released (ovulation; approximately day 14), and then the uterus prepares either for the long haul of pregnancy or menstruation (the luteal phase, approximately days 15-28). Then the whole thing starts again.
Sperm Are Alive!
The vagina is a rather hostile environment (it’s about as acidic as apple cider vinegar!) but once sperm are inside the uterus, they can live, happily swimming away, for up to a week. So if you had sex on day 5 of your cycle and then you ovulated on day 11, you could get pregnant! And you are actually more likely to get pregnant if you have sex the day before you ovulate than if you have sex on the day you ovulate. The egg, by contrast, only has 12-24 hours of viability before it disintegrates after ovulation. That’s why sex BEFORE ovulation is so important if you’re trying to get pregnant: you want a host of sperm ready and waiting for the egg when it’s released, not swimming upstream in hopes of making it on time.
While the vagina is a rather hostile spot, if your husband pulls out but gets any ejaculate on your vulva, those little determined swimmers can still sometimes manage to literally become one with an egg. Additionally, preejaculate can also contain sperm, especially if he’s had a recent orgasm.
So how are you to manage dealing with all of the phases of your cycle AND sort out the sperm lifespan issue AND manage to keep your sanity intact…
How do I actually DO Natural Family Planning?
“Natural family planning” is not “the rhythm method.” Each method uses the same general guiding principle: accurately identify the fertile window and avoid unprotected sex during it. The variation comes in which markers of fertility each method uses.
Basal Body Temperature – your body’s temperature is 98.6 degrees Farenheit, right? Nope! That’s just the average. Different people have slightly different baselines (I run cold, for example) and your temperature actually changes throughout the month, with a pronounced spike after ovulation. Basal body temperature tracking involves taking your temperature each morning when you wake up, at the same time each morning, before you get out of bed. I’ve only dabbled in this method, but I’ve heard it’s a great way for husbands to be involved, as they can be the keeper of the thermometer. If you’re going to use BBT, buy a thermometer that will store its last readings, so that you don’t have to write down your temperature the second you take it. Not having the right thermometer was a big reason why I didn’t stick with the BBT method, if I’m being honest.
Cervical Mucus – Remember how we talked about how hostile an environment the vagina is? Well, around the fertile window it makes sperm’s lives better (and longer) by providing a nice medium for them to swim to. We call it mucus (I wish there was a better word…) You may have noticed globs on your toilet paper after you urinate. If you pay attention, the mucus becomes more stretchy and abundant as you move toward ovulation. It will achieve a consistency kind of like an egg white at ovulation, then suddenly dry up. I used this method to keep tabs on my fertility and I found it really intuitive. You’re wiping anyway, so all it takes to do is a smidge of brain power and a little record keeping.
Estrogen Tracking – We talk about being hormonal at certain points during our cycle, and that’s kind of a misnomer. We are hormonal ALWAYS and there are spikes and troughs throughout the menstrual cycle of the various sex hormones (the charts are enough to make my eyes cross). At home pregnancy tests take advantage of the fact that we secrete hormones into our urine and test it to see if it contains HCG, which is secreted in large amounts throughout pregnancy. Home tests can also be used to track estrogen as a marker of fertility. I haven’t used them as they were out of my price range when I was first married, but there something I’ll consider as part of my family planning arsenal down the road, now that my husband and I are done with school.
Choose a Natural Family Planning Method
The Creighton Method uses tracked cervical mucus to identify fertile days. I’m a little wary of suggesting it as a means of avoiding pregnancy because you’re going to be better off also tracking basal body temperature (as in the sympto-thermal method), but because Creighton doesn’t require waking up at the same time every day or taking a daily temperature before grabbing your caffeinated beverage of choice, or the expense of urine tests, it may be the right choice for you if you’re willing to live with a decrease in effectiveness.
The Sympto-Thermal Method uses both cervical mucus tracking and basal body temperature to identify the fertile window. NFP methods that use two or more methods to identify the fertile window tend to work better.
The Marquette Method adds an additional indicator: urine samples of estrogen. This is more expensive than other methods, but the additional layer does help with accuracy. You also don’t have to use basal body temperature to use the Marquette method.
Each method has rules about which days barrier methods or abstinence need to be used to prevent pregnancy, and that’s beyond the scope of this post. If you’re interested in a method, find a book and a class and get learning!
Ever wondered if natural family planning (or the fertility awareness method) could work for you for birth control? Here's how it's done!Click To Tweet
A Note About Abstaining During the Fertile Period
One thing that I genuinely dislike about NFP is that it isn’t fair to women. Our libido tends to ebb and flow with our fertility, and… well… this can lead to a lot of abstaining just when sex seems most interesting. That’s why I’d recommend having an additional barrier birth control method (like a condom or a diaphragm) to use during the fertile period if you’re going to use NFP.
Use a fertility tracking app for record keeping, but don’t let it tell you what to do
One thing we found in the comments to the posts on birth control this month was that there are lots of women who chose to use a fertility tracking app who ended up with an unexpected pregnancy. Here’s the problem: the app can only predict your fertile window accurately based on the data you give it. If you are letting the app do your guesswork, it will only be a guess. You need to feed it really accurate data.
If you understand your cycle and how NFP works, you won’t need the app to tell you if you’re fertile or not – that will be obvious to you. Use the app as a record keeper only.
Side Benefit to NFP: EMPOWERMENT!
Tracking your cycle is also a really great way to catch hormonal or other gynecological problems early. In the spring of 2015, I noticed that my cycle had suddenly gone haywire. It was a rather unpleasant experience and, after a few months of remembering what day things started and ended and getting rather concerned each month when my period failed to show up when I expected it, I got myself a period tracking app. It was so convenient because I always had my phone handy and could quickly mark down if I saw mucus or bleeding. Armed with data, I went to the doctor, which eventually led to a diagnosis of PCOS. Because I had a condition that causes infertility, even though we were in our mid twenties, my husband and I only had to try to get pregnant for 6 months before we were eligible for infertility treatment. It still took us 18 months to conceive our daughter, but we are so grateful we had the 6 month head start!
Periods are great health indicators. If things aren’t normal one month, no sweat, but consistently weird cycles can be a sign of PCOS, anorexia, hormonal problems, or another health problem and are a great reason to go visit your primary care doctor. If you’re paying attention to your cycle, you will be able to identify problems quickly and you’ll have data to show your doctor.
Honestly, I’d really recommend taking the 15 seconds a day to track your period and cervical mucus, regardless of whether you are using NFP or not. Having had a health problem I identified by tracking my cycle while not trying to conceive, I am SO grateful for the empowerment I got from understanding what my body was doing and from having tracked what was happening when so that I could get help.
What do you think? Have you ever tried to track your fertility? Let me know in the comments!
About Joanna
More from Joanna
Joanna SawatskyJoanna is a 20-something who has been married for 5 years. She's an infertility patient-turned-mommy, a Yankee-turned-Canuk, but she'll never lose her love for her hometown Pittsburgh Steelers. You'll find her sipping coffee and playing with her angora rabbit while reading theology books with the baby most afternoons. She's got a Masters in Public Health and a bizarre love for statistical graphs.Some other posts from Joanna:
When It's Hard to Rejoice with Those Who Rejoice
Why We Need Community
October 16, 2018
A Limo and a Super Fun Trip Down Memory Lane
She’s at that age (I think I’m allowed to say that!) when she wants to be more purposeful with what she does. And she decided this year, for her 75th birthday, that what she really wanted was to take the family (including the two sons-in-law) to Toronto to show everyone our old haunts–where I spent my high school years; where we spent time with the kids when they were babies; where we all created our first memories together.
So that’s what we did. On Saturday, she rented a limo for the day, and we all set off from Belleville to downtown Toronto (about a two hour drive) on a very deliberate trip to make some memories!
All of us ready to go in a big limo!
Just so you can understand the context, in 1984, my mom and I moved to a condo in downtown Toronto, right across the street from Maple Leaf Gardens (where the Toronto hockey team played and where there were tons of concerts). I actually worked there in my high school years. After graduation, I left Toronto to attend Queen’s University in Kingston, where I met Keith. When he got matched to a residency program at the Hospital for Sick Children in Toronto, just a few blocks from where my mother still lived, we ended up renting an apartment behind Maple Leaf Gardens. You could just cross the street from my mom’s building, walk through the hotel, go up the escalator, and you’d be in our apartment lobby.
We left Toronto for good in 1998, when Katie was 1 1/2 and Becca was 4. My mom followed about two years later.
So we went for a drive down memory lane in this limo! First up, we passed my high school and the park where Mom used to take the girls. Then we drove down the street to Riverdale Farm, an actual working farm in downtown Toronto. I used to take the girls there in the stroller once a week when the weather cooperated. They loved feeding dandelions to the goats!
Katie and Keith Then and Now: Looking at the Chickens!
Next we visited my mom’s old building (where I lived too). Karen, who has been friends with my mom for 40 years (she used to babysit me!) still lives there, and she gave us a tour of the roof gardens where Mom used to take the girls, and the pool and other common areas.
Rebecca on the third floor roof, blowing bubbles–with Maple Leaf Gardens in the background
I insisted that we cross the street and go up that famous escalator. Rebecca at 3 was a pro at using the escalator by herself, because I was always trying to balance the stroller and Katie. We had LOTS of talks about escalator safety when she was little. Then we moved to Belleville, and in the whole city there was only one escalator (which is now gone). She couldn’t understand why there were no escalators.
Rebecca was a pro at riding this escalator!
Next up: Allan Gardens, a beautiful greenhouse gardens that we used to frequent.
Rebecca always loved the catcuses (cacti?). By the way, the green tam and sweater she’s wearing were knit by my grandmother (Mom’s mom). They’ve kind of come back into style!
Will it hurt?
For lunch we headed to Chinatown (and of course we got bubble tea after lunch, too!)
Eating lunch on Spadina in Chinatown
and then to the Art Gallery of Ontario, which my mom loves. We were each given instructions to find a painting in the Thomson collection that we loved the most, and then we got together to show our find to everyone else. So we all scattered, chose our painting, and shared it with each other.
Katie loved this Emily Carr painting!
We’re all Group of Seven fans (Canadians will know what I mean).
Mom explaining why she picked this Lawren Harris one.
Afterwards, Mom insisted on Dufflet’s pastry (their motto: Eat More Cake!), because she used to take Rebecca there on each trip to Toronto. Boy was that good!
Finally, we stopped at the St. Lawrence Market (my favourite place in Toronto) to buy some stuff for dinner to eat in the limo on our way home.
And then, during that drive back to Belleville, we watched Ishtar. Many would say that Ishtar is the worst movie ever made, and they may very well be right. But it’s so bad, it’s actually good. And it’s become our family movie. In my twenties we used to watch it every Christmas. We subjected Connor to it several years ago, but David got inaugurated into Ishtar this weekend. And he’s still singing the terrible songs from it.
The brothers-in-law in the limo, under one of the screens where the movie later played (there was a screen on the other side, too).
All in all, it was a terrifically memorable day. My mom has decided that she really doesn’t want any more stuff in her life ever (because she has no room for it), and so for Christmas and birthdays she just wants experiences. Sometimes (like this weekend), she’ll even pay so that the family can all be together. And I think that’s really fun.
I just wanted to share that with you, as we get ready for Christmas in a few months. Maybe, instead of a gift, there’s a trip down memory lane you can create with your mom or dad! And let your kids in on what life was like for you when you were little, too.
Have you ever “shared an experience” for birthdays or Christmas instead of a traditional gift? Tell me about it in the comments!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
October 15, 2018
Ask Sheila: I Don’t Want to Have Kids with My Husband!
On Mondays I like to post a reader question and take a stab at answering it, and lately I’ve started doing that through video, with links for even more posts that you can read on the same subject!
This one I thought I’d tackle with Rebecca, since she was home while we were getting ready for my in-laws’ 50th anniversary party.
It’s a long question (and we read it all in the video), but here’s the gist of it:
I’ve never wanted to be a mother. I was clear about this with my husband while we were dating, and he accepted it. Three years later, he now has a strong desire to have a child, but God still hasn’t placed that desire in me. We tried to conceive, but I stopped it when I saw he was continuing unhealthy behaviors like being really controlling and saying that he would kill himself if he didn’t have a child. He has shown no desire or initiative to work through either his issues with God or his suicidal thoughts. I told him I’m willing to try to have a child if he goes to counselling. He is offended by any implication that he’s unfit to be a father. Am I being unreasonable to ask sacrifices of my husband in return for my own? Am I just trying to justify a divorce in order to get out of becoming a mom?
That’s a big question! And I think there are two big issues here: Dealing with the fact that he is controlling and emotionally unfit to parent; and finding agreement on whether or not to have a child.
Rebecca and I tackle both of those here, in a really great discussion!
Okay, a few thoughts for those of you who don’t want to watch the whole video:
Don’t marry someone who isn’t emotionally able to raise a child.
No birth control method is 100% effective (we’ll be talking about that in the Wednesdays in October!), and even if you’d prefer to not have kids, you shouldn’t assume that you won’t. Sex causes pregnancy. If you’re going to have sex, you need to be mature enough and responsible enough to raise a child.
Marrying someone who doesn’t feel that they want kids yet or are ready for kids yet is different–someone may be emotionally healthy, but prefer to wait, and 9 months is enough time to get someone emotionally ready. But if they’re not emotionally able because of emotional trauma or other issues, that’s not a good situation. And someone who is controlling or abusive? Definitely not okay!
More posts that can help:
A Letter to a Woman with a Controlling Husband
How Do I Know if I’m Being Emotionally Abused?
10 Things to Know about Emotionally Destructive Marriages
I don’t think refusing to have any children at all is fair to your spouse
Honestly, having kids is probably the biggest part of my identity, other than my walk with Christ. It’s so much a part of who I am. I think our culture needs to bring back more of an appreciation for children!
I say some (potentially) controversial things in the video about this, but it does make me sad when a spouse’s instincts is to say, “no kids!” even if a spouse wants kids. That’s asking a lot. And kids should not be seen as a huge sacrifice.
More posts that can help:
If I Divorce My Spouse Will I Lose My Salvation? (okay, this question is about a different scenario than the one the reader is presenting here, but I think it’s important not to try to justify a divorce)
When You Want More Kids–but Your Husband Says He’s Done
When Your Husband Refuses to Use Birth Control
When Are We Ready to Have Kids?
I know this is a controversial topic, but let’s talk about it: Why do you think so many are reluctant to have kids today? Is this a good thing or a bad thing?
Author
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
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Rebecca Gregoire Lindenbach is a 23-year-old Canadian blogger/author and the daughter of Sheila Wray Gregoire. Married since 2015, she is passionate about helping others challenge the status quo and live for more, whether in their relationships, their educational or occupational goals, or their walks with God. And yes, like her mother, she also knits.Find Rebecca Here:Rebecca's Website
Other posts by Rebecca on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
Retraining Your Brain to Fantasize about HIM--And No One Else!
Should it be a Struggle to Not Have Sex Before You’re Married?
10 of the Best Decisions You Can Make in Your First Year of Marriage
How To Not Be a Legalistic Parent
Why I Didn't Rebel (my most viral post ever)
Read the rest of Rebecca's posts on TLHV here!
Check out Rebecca's book and course:Why I Didn't Rebel. Ever wondered why some kids rebel and some don't? Or do you believe rebellion is inevitable? Rebecca interviewed 25 young adults and dove into psychology research to find out: what makes some kids rebel, and some stay on the straight-and-narrow?
The Whole Story: Not-So-Scary Talks about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up. Scared to talk to your daughter about puberty? Rebecca and her sister Katie want to do the hard part for you. This course is designed to start conversations to bring you closer together and strengthen your mother-daughter bond while giving your daughter all the information she needs as she becomes a woman.
Teenage rebellion doesn't need to be a part of your family's story. You can help your kids live for more! Get the first chapter of Why I Didn't Rebel for free here!
October 12, 2018
Ever Feel Like God Doesn’t Really Like You?
I recently received a letter from a woman that I think is a really important one.A woman writes about all the theology that she’s been taught, and how it makes her feel like God tolerates her, but that’s about it. I get it. I really do.
Can you relate to this?:
Here’s what I’ve been taught: I am a sinner saved by grace, which means there’s nothing I can ever do to make God love me any more or less. All my best efforts are so tainted with sin that they’re disgusting to God. I am the lost sheep, the prodigal son, the worst of all sinners, and should be overflowing with gratitude that God loves me anyway, not because of who I am, but because when he looks at me he sees Jesus, because Jesus took my place. I just feel worthless. It’s the equivalent of my husband only being able to make love to me if he imagines I’m someone else! I don’t want God to love me just because it’s in his nature as a loving God, I don’t want him to accept me even though I’m really not worth it. I want him to like me!! I want to make him smile – not in the patronising way that some analogies use of me being his toddler daughter who makes him smile when she paints a messy picture. Don’t get me wrong: I accept that God loves me through grace and I am grateful for his acceptance. But I don’t want to stay there. I want God to be genuinely pleased with me – the actual me – and not to cast me aside to look at Jesus instead because that’s the only way he can stomach me. Is that really so wrong? And if so, how do I get to the place where I’m okay with God thinking I’m basically a bit rubbish and not end up with low self esteem? And if God adores me and rejoices over me with singing and I’m the apple of his eye then why does the teaching on grace (ironically my middle name and the one my Mum uses for me) always make me feel that God doesn’t like me (like when I did something naughty and Mum said ‘I’ll always love you but I don’t like you right now’)?
Sometimes I think many people know everything about God, but don’t know Him at all. People who teach this kind of stuff–I would definitely put them in this category. And this letter writer is right. Too often it’s portrayed that we are slime that God deigns to have a relationship with. And never forget you are slime!
So I have a simple little exercise that I often give people who struggle with how God feel about them.
If you want to know what God thinks of you, picture Jesus.
Ever feel like God doesn't really enjoy you? That He merely tolerates you, and He can only stand to look at you because of Jesus? Maybe it's time to look at how Jesus really acted!Click To Tweet
What did Jesus do when He was on earth? He genuinely enjoyed people!
I love this story that appears in Mark 2:
15 While Jesus was having dinner at Levi’s house, many tax collectors and sinners were eating with him and his disciples, for there were many who followed him.16 When the teachers of the law who were Pharisees saw him eating with the sinners and tax collectors, they asked his disciples: “Why does he eat with tax collectors and sinners?”
Now, here’s a question for you: How did the teachers of the law know that He was eating with tax collectors and sinners? My guess is because they were pretty loud. This wasn’t just a few people having dinner together. This was a whole lot of people together having fun! And nothing bothers those mostly concerned about righteousness as other people laughing and having fun. And I’d bet that’s what was going on!
People flocked to Jesus because they wanted to be near Him. What kind of person do those of all social strata long to be near?
It isn’t a killjoy. It isn’t someone who goes around all the time saying, “you’re not worthy.” It’s someone who takes an interest in you, who talks to you and really knows you, and most of all–someone who laughs and makes jokes. Someone who genuinely enjoys life! I think Jesus genuinely enjoyed being with people and genuinely enjoyed life. I think He laughed a lot. After all, kids loved Jesus, and kids don’t love people who are going around being serious all the time.
Do we picture Jesus as a killjoy? Let's remember that those on the margins of society enjoyed being with Jesus at parties!Click To Tweet
Now, Jesus also said this:
Jesus answered: “Don’t you know me, Philip, even after I have been among you such a long time? Anyone who has seen me has seen the Father. How can you say, ‘Show us the Father’? (John 14:9; NIV)
When we see Jesus, we see what God is like. And so if Jesus laughed with people; if Jesus genuinely enjoyed people; if Jesus wanted to hang out with people–then Jesus wants to laugh with you. He genuinely enjoys you.
God Finds You Interesting
If those theologians are right, and God barely tolerates us, then I don’t think God would have created us in the way that He did. I’ve been reading through Dorothy Sayers’ book The Mind of the Maker, and her central premise in that book is that God is a creative God, and since He made us in His image, He made us to be creative, too. When we create–through art, literature, hobbies, anything–we participate in a godly endeavour.
If God truly despised us and tolerated us only because of Jesus, then there would be nothing worthwhile that we would ever do. He would have created us to simply worship Him and do nothing of our own accord. But on the contrary, He made us to also be creative–meaning that He actually values our own initiative and our own creation. It makes Him happy. And that means that you have the capacity to make God happy!
God Understands that We’re Human
One of my favourite stories is found in John 21, after the resurrection. The disciples had seen Jesus risen, but didn’t know what to do with themselves now. They were despondent, and had gone back to fishing. Jesus comes to them one morning, and the first thing he does is make them breakfast. Then He tells them, “Eat.”
He’s worried about them because He knows they’re hungry, and seriously–you can’t have a difficult conversation on an empty stomach. He understood where they were coming from!
Personally, I think sometimes we spend too much time on theology and not enough time just looking at Jesus.
Yes, we are born in sin, and we need Jesus for righteousness. But that does not mean that God is not pleased with us or does not take delight in us.
Personally, I think sometimes we spend too much time on theology and not enough time just looking at Jesus.Click To Tweet
The doctrine that this woman is referring to insinuates that God doesn’t want to be anywhere near us except for Jesus–so He doesn’t really know us. Jesus and much of Scripture show us the opposite. God does want to be near us, and not only because He loves us, but because He notices us. Think of all the people that are named by actual name in the Old and New Testaments. Those names are all that remain of many of them; no stories or details. But those people were important enough to God that He wanted them remembered. Whenever you read those lists of names that seem so boring, just think: God wanted those people preserved because they mattered to Him.
You matter. You. Not just because of Jesus, but because of you. You were made in God’s image. You were given unique giftings and talents so that you could do amazing things on this earth, that God looks forward to enjoying! (Ephesians 2:10). He likes to laugh with you. He genuinely enjoys you. And if you’re surrounded by theology that teaches you otherwise–well, perhaps it’s time to get in touch with some different theology!
Have you ever felt like this woman does–like all the things that you’re taught about God makes God seem rather, well, mean? What was the revelation for you? Let’s talk in the comments!
Author
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
October 11, 2018
How One Man Confessed His Porn Addiction to His Wife
Today, however, we get to hear from Hugh Huston, author of Jesus is Better than Porn, who is himself a husband who struggled with porn for 30 years. And when he decided enough was enough, he took the initiative.
Here’s Hugh:
Confessing my addiction to pornography to my wife was probably the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.
It took me 30 years to work up the courage to do it. Yet once I was convicted that it had to happen, I wanted to tell her at the first available opportunity. That morning I woke up before dawn and when she finally was awake, I led her into the family room and we sat down on the couch together. When I broke the news, she was pretty much in a daze.
Learning that her husband had been betraying her in his mind with countless women her whole marriage was certainly the worst news she had ever received. Later we learned that she was going through the stages of grief. She was experiencing extreme loss. The marriage she thought she had no longer existed. Now she wondered if it had ever existed. The first few days she was in shock and in a fog. But it wasn’t long before a tsunami of anger washed over her.
Read Hugh's story of overcoming a secret porn addiction and coming clean to his wifeClick To Tweet
We were in such different places.
I was actually feeling much better. I was experiencing a new life free from the grip of porn. And now my double life was behind me. I had come clean. I felt release and a new lease on life. Her dream world had come crashing down. Not that I was the perfect husband. In fact, while she never imagined that I was addicted to pornography, she had felt that our marriage wasn’t all it should have been and not even what it had been. Now, in her mind our whole marriage was a lie, a sham. Getting this news was like a kick in the gut.
I’m not sure what caused her to decide to stick with me and preserve our marriage. Certainly her faith in God and commitment to stay with me till death do us part were factors. I think she also thought about our children and what divorce would mean to them. But she told me that if I went back to porn she would leave me. And I knew she meant it.
I’ve always known that marriage, like everything else in life, requires maintenance and an investment.
Both my wife and I invested heavily in recovery. Part of her anger with me had to do with the high price she had to pay in order to do so. She had to read and study and learn about addiction. She talked with a therapist every week. She started a journal. She learned about a dark, ugly world that she had no desire and no intention of delving into.
She respected the fact that I was working hard to change my life. And she told me she could see that I was different. More attentive. More caring. More present. Happier and more cheerful than before. I had been keeping an online journal for about a year before I finally broke down and came clean to her. I took two online courses; each of which took a few months to complete. I also went to see a therapist. And I read as many books as I could find that might help me get the help I needed to become a new man.
In the early days I discovered that her anger came in waves.
When a big wave hit it was up to me to keep my head down and my mouth closed. I was at fault. I caused all of this. I had to be humble enough and determined enough to take what was coming to me. On the days when things were better I would offer to massage her shoulders or her feet. I tried to do things to help around the house like wash the laundry and the dirty dishes.
There were nights when I had to sleep in another room. For several weeks she did not want me around when she was taking a shower or getting dressed. I had to learn to respect her wishes. When she asked me questions about when, where and how I had looked at porn, it was my responsibility to tell her everything she wanted to know. It wasn’t easy. But she deserved to know and there could no longer be any secrets. I had to face up to the ugly truth about what I had done.
I didn’t do it alone.
Other than help from God, my biggest source of help was from a group of women whom I met on an online support board. One section of the site was for men like me and we helped each other on our journey. There was another area where partners went to discuss betrayal and how they were dealing with this situation. Some of them agreed to offer me suggestions as I broke the news to my wife. So they had already informed me that my wife would not “be better” in a matter of weeks or months. I had to go into this knowing that it would probably take a few years for my wife and I to work through all of the ramifications of this addiction.
Almost two years after I told her we had an opportunity to spend a week with another couple discussing our relationship for several hours each day. There was still plenty to talk about and plenty to work on. The wounds were healing, but the scars were still there and we had many feelings which needed to be expressed.
Facing our sins and addictions is not easy, but with through God, all things are made possibleClick To Tweet
It’s been twelve years since that morning when I broke the dreadful news to my unsuspecting wife.
We both agree that our marriage now is stronger than ever before. For one thing we each made a decision to stay. I know how much I hurt her. I know she didn’t have to remain in our marriage. She knows how hard I worked to eliminate this harmful, compulsive behavior from my life. She can see how I’m making an effort to win back her trust by showing my love through my actions. I saw how hard she worked to forgive me, understanding that forgiveness is a restoration of a relationship and does not condone the offense nor mean that the pain isn’t real.
If I had planned out my confession I would never have chosen to do it within a few days of our wedding anniversary. For a few years she didn’t really want to celebrate our anniversary because she associated that date with my act of betrayal. But that’s been forgiven and almost forgotten. This year when our anniversary came around she gave me this card. Look what it says:
And here’s the inscription:
Sheila says: I just want to encourage anyone who is holding back something important from their spouse to get some help and open up! And let me know in the comments: Have you ever had to confess something big? Or has your spouse ever confessed to you? Let’s talk!
About Hugh
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Hugh Houston, Missionary. Married. Father of four. Two grandchildren. I love telling people about Jesus and watching as He works in their lives.Find Hugh Here:Hugh’s Website
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Some of the best posts from Hugh:
Minimizing the Lies We Tell Others and Ourselves
October 10, 2018
What You Need to Know About The Pill as Birth Control: The Pros and the Cons
When I say “The Pill”, though, that’s a bit of a misnomer, because so many different hormonal formulas count as “The Pill”. Some have estrogen; some do not. Some are mostly low-dose progesterone; some are high dose. Some women react really well on one sort of formulation and horribly on another. As I print comments, then, these can’t be taken as indicative of EVERY formulation of “The Pill”. But since I can’t comment on every one (and most women don’t know what they’re on anyway!), we’ll just look at it in general.
Also, the issues with The Pill revolve around the hormones that the Pill uses to stop ovulation. (There is some controversy, too, about the possibility of ovulating when on one of these hormonal methods, but then the environment in the uterus has changed enough that the fertilized egg can’t implant). Other birth control methods also use hormones (like the patch and the shot), and so their effects would be the same. The ring and the hormonal IUD are also hormonal, but the hormones are more localized and so some of these effects aren’t experienced as much.
For the purposes of this post, I’m dealing mostly with The Pill, because that’s become the “go to” method for so many women when it comes to preventing pregnancy, but I wanted to make it clear that other methods also function in similar ways, and so would likely have similar effects.
First, let me tell you my own biases. I freely admit I am really, really biased against the Pill.
When I took it when I was first married it destroyed my libido, and it made me really moody and angry. When I took it a few years ago to relieve some bleeding problems I was having, in the first month of starting I got blood blisters (I thought I had a bed bug infestation!), blood clots, and a 5 pound weight gain, after staying at exactly the same weight for quite a few years. Other family members also find that The Pill has triggered weight gain and caused terrible moodiness and depression, even after trying different formulations. In several cases, after being stick thin for most of their lives, family members have started The Pill temporarily and gained weight, and never recovered their metabolism. It’s had lifelong effects.
What do Readers Think About the Pill Overall?
On the poll for my Instagram stories, as I currently write this (the poll is still up), 32% reported liking it while 68% reported hating it. When I asked open-ended questions on Facebook, 74% of women reported negative experiences with The Pill, while 26% liked it. (I didn’t include those who gave mixed reviews, or those who were against the Pill but didn’t report any personal side effects). I don’t think my numbers are scientific, though, because people who are negative are more likely to comment.
Between Twitter, Facebook, Instagram and replies to last week’s email, I had over 250 women’s stories. I’m overwhelmed and can’t include them all! So I’m just going to summarize the broad themes.
Because I’m biased against, I asked people who loved The Pill to send me in stories, and I’m going to include them first.
What women JUST LIKE YOU think about The Pill (all the Pros and Cons): Click To Tweet
Women Who Loved the Pill
Women Saying: “Worked Great for Me!”
Had tons of these types of comments. I’ll run two of them here, but there are tons more at this Facebook post:
I was on BC pills for years and had no issues. On the contrary, my skin cleared up beautifully, I wasn’t prone to mood swings with my periods anymore, and the only weight I gained was in my bust (so no complaints there lol).
Another woman said:
I’ve been on the pill for about two years as haven’t had negative side effects. I used to have extremely heavy, irregular periods, and now they’re moderate and consistent. My libido’s maybe shifted around, but it hasn’t decreased.
Women Saying: “The Pill SAVED my hormones”
For many women, The Pill cleared up problems with their periods or endometriosis:
I was on the pill for about 65% of my 21 year marriage. I had no side effects, no weight gain and no decreased libido. We have had a happy, healthy and active sex life the entire time. The pill actually helped me with some of the side effects of PCOS. After delivering my second child and then going back on the pill I actually lost all of the weight I gained from the PCOS. My younger sister didn’t ever start her period and had to be given a shot to kick start it at 17 and then immediately put on the pill to regulate it. She also has PCOS and the pill was exactly what she needed to get her body functioning properly and then she had no problem getting pregnant.
Another echoed her success with PCOS:
The Pill is the only thing that works for my PCOS. I have zero negative side effects. It has given me predictability, clear skin, lack of hirsutism/acanthosis, and so much self-confidence! Plus not only I have not gained weight due to it- I have lost some!
Another woman said:
I was put on the pill at 19 for ovarian cysts that ruptured and were extremely painful. The pill fixed the issue and I was on them faithfully until I married at 23. I went on to have 3 healthy girls with no issues and no side effects.
Read the Facebook post for more positive ones (that were all pretty much along these two veins).
However, most of the comments I received were negative, and people tended to have different reasons for not liking The Pill, so I’ll have more to post here to sum up the problems. (But remember–there were a lot of good comments, too!)
Women Who Hated the Pill:
Women Saying: “The Pill made me feel physically lousy.”
I had numerous commenters talking about nausea and migraines. One woman wrote:
I was so nauseated and sick on the pill… I might as well have been pregnant.
Many had the same experience:
The pill gave me morning sickness no matter when I took it or what kind I took.
And then there were the headaches that many reported:
I had to take them in my early 20s due to PCOS, but started having migraines for the first time in my life and was told to stop taking them and never take them again due to risk of stroke.
Another woman said:
Horrible Migraines, several every week. They were so bad, I felt like I was dying. Went off of them because of a friend’s advice and migraines went away.
(Note: if you get migraines when you’re on The Pill, that may be a sign that you’re someone who is at a higher risk of stroke with The Pill. Talk to your doctor, please! This could be serious.)
We also had reports of other health issues, like gallbladder problems, gut problems, and especially blood clots (by many commenters; I had that too):
I had a horrible experience on the pill. My emotions were crazy and all over the place. After being on it for only about 3 months (at 21 years old), I developed three blot clots in my right leg.
Women Saying: “The Pill gave me long-term health effects.”
One woman said:
I was extremely regular before starting it and The Pill completely unbalanced my hormones. I now have severe PCOS and while on the pill, my moods changed so drastically that I was suicidal. Only 5 months in, I quit cold turkey and almost immediately felt myself again. But it caused me some serious medical problems I’m still dealing with 4 years later.
Another echoed her:
I was ok the pill as a teen and it destroyed my cycle too. I also have PCOS and have so for 17years. Its never going to go away.
And then so many also mentioned weight gain:
I gained 15 pounds in what seemed like overnight.
Women Saying: “The Pill killed my libido.”
Did you know that one of the most common side effects of The Pill is that it kiilsl your libido? Hardly conducive to a great sex life!Click To Tweet
This is the most common complaint I get about The Pill from people randomly writing it to me. Here’s what a woman said last week:
When I stopped taking the pill my libido went way up, too, and a few months later I finally achieved penetration for the first time (vaginismus) and O for the first time (One and a half years into marriage!)
Here’s another common one:
No sex drive! When I finally got off the pill- I thought, ” wow, is this what desiring your husband feels like?” I decided I would not go back on it.
This one kind of sums it up:
Let’s just say the Pill was an EXTREMELY effective birth control method. No libido, no baby.
Women Saying, “The Pill made me so moody and depressed.”
A woman who loved the fact that Pills could help you control WHEN your period came eventually stopped them for this reason:
It causes mood swings, and I’m fairly certain that it ‘put me over the edge’ into (relatively mild) depression a few years ago, which had absolutely disastrous effects on our marriage.
So many echoed her (and I’ll just include a bunch of them):
I never had any emotional issues prior to using the pill. Afterwards I had crazy mood swings and eventually a depressive episode.
I had horrible mood swings with this pill. The first week after my cycle would be fine but each week after would get worse and worse. I remember locking myself in the bathroom, crying for God to help me be nice to my children.
I can feel myself being angry and out of control but I can’t do anything to stop it. Kinda like watching me from afar.
It was horrible. I cried all the time, was so depressed, gained weight. My husband practically dreaded coming because I was so messed up. Lovely for your first year and a half of marriage.
Several women even said it made them physically aggressive:
I was on the pill before I got married. (PCOS) my dad took them away because I was violent.
Here’s another report:
I became emotionally unsettled. I could go from 1 extreme to the other in a short time. I would be depressed and not know why. When I was aggravated once I became physically combative(not at all in my character).
And here’s a scary one:
I stopped taking the pill when I turned around with a knife in my hands and screamed at my husband through clenched teeth that I didn’t care anymore….
Women Saying: “The Pill messed up my fertility.”
I had a lot of these comments–women saying that The Pill triggered infertility or miscarriages, and many more who got pregnant when on the Pill. I decided not to include these because, in the case of infertility and miscarriage, they weren’t trying to get pregnant beforehand, so it is hard to know. I do believe these women; I’m just trying to paint a not-as-bad picture as possible to be fair. (And even when I do that, there are lots of negative effects!)
What I have found, too, is that a lot of people on The Pill who think they have no side effects are actually experiencing many of them without realizing it.
Especially if you went on The Pill before you were married (which I did), you may not recognize the side effects when it comes to libido. And if you have other changes in your life, or other stresses, women often blame moodiness and depression or anxiety on these things rather than realize The Pill’s hormones may be exacerbating the problem.
I get so many comments like this one from last week’s post:
After my first child, I used BC pills. I had lighter periods when I had always been super heavy and had super clear skin. After I quit taking them to get pregnant with my next, I realized that the pill was what was making me have NO libido and much less pleasure. No wonder we were both miserable, sex wise.
Here’s another:
I’ve been married 16 years and have always loved bc pills. The problem that I recently discovered with them is that they lowered my libido drastically! After researching, I discovered that women 43 and older only have a 1% chance of conceiving so I decided to just take my chances. Sounds crazy but it’s been the best decision bc having a higher sex drive has completely transformed my marriage!!
Or there’s this:
I started the pill in grad school when I was super stressed and depressed and my periods were getting irregular, but I realized that even after I graduated, got married, and had a great job, I was still depressed. I felt nothing all the time. Got off the pill and was back to my happy self.
Finally, a few more considerations about The Pill that I want you all to be aware of.
The Pill is the only method where you’re incumbent on “Future You” to make sure you’re not pregnant.
Here’s the problem: The Pill only prevents ovulation if you take it at the same time every day. And sperm can live and inside you for up to 5 days.
That means if you get a really bad stomach flu and can’t keep your pill down, or you get in a car crash, or you are traveling and your purse is stolen or for any other reason you can’t get to your pills for 48 hours, you can become pregnant even though you were taking your pill when you actually had sex. When you have sex, you can’t know what’s going to happen in the next 48 hours.
You can’t control now what you did in the past, and you can’t control right now what will happen tomorrow. All you can control is what you are doing right now. And the birth control pill is the only type of birth control that takes away the “right now” factor of preventing pregnancy. Using barrier methods? You either use it correctly at the time, or you risk pregnancy. You have complete control. The Pill relies on future you, and future you isn’t always under your control.
The Pill actually has significant environmental effects, too.
Women using the pill release hormones in their urine, which is then released downstream into the environment. In concert with pesticides and chemicals like BPA, the pill acts as a potent endocrine disrupter in frogs (it causes sex changes and birth defects) and the active ingredient in the pill causes behavior changes in fish. There’s some concern that the low levels of hormones that are now in our drinking water are affecting us as well.
If I had one thing I want people to know from this post, it would be this: The Pill does not have to be the default method for birth control.
Some people have a great experience, and some people have a horrible experience with lasting effects. But you just can’t know which group you’re going to be in until after you’ve started taking The Pill.
I think that’s really risky.
The Pill does not have to be the default method of birth control. Let's look at what real women experience on it: Click To Tweet
When you actually look at the percentage likelihood of getting pregnant with perfect use, the condom actually scores better (it’s more than 99% effective, versus The Pill at 98%), and the diaphragm is almost as high (88%-96%). We don’t have to alter our bodies.
If you choose to, I understand, and I think that’s entirely your choice. I just want to make sure that it’s an informed choice. Don’t do The Pill because it’s “what everyone does”. Use it only after you look into other people’s warnings, and then decide for yourself that you still think it’s the best option.
Later this month we’ll be looking at the different methods of Natural Family Planning, and how to make them work for you.
And now I’ll leave the comments open again: What do you think of The Pill? Did you know that there could be these kinds of side effects? Or did you sail through with it and loved it? Let me know in the comments!
Our Birth Control Series:
A Round-Up of The Pros and Cons of Different Birth Control Methods
Birth Control Should Be a Shared Responsibility (Guys, Don’t be Selfish!)
The Pros and Cons of The Pill (this one!)
How to Make Fertility Awareness/Natural Family Planning Work for You (coming soon)
What to Do to Get Ready for Birth Control Before You’re Married (coming soon)
Author
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
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October 9, 2018
10 Awesome Marriage Posts Worth Reading
I don’t really have a regular way to share those with you, so I thought I’d save up a bunch and put them in a post! So here we go–10 things I’ve come across lately that are worth your time.
1. The Worth of a Woman
I really appreciate Gary Thomas, and one of the guest posts he wrote for me based on his book Loving Him Well garnered a ton of interest–from commenters who believe that biblically, women don’t have the right to confront their husband on anything, because God made men to rule over women (seriously, the comments got bad. And I didn’t even let 80% of them through because they were nasty and gross).
Recently Gary wrote more about how much God loves women, and I think many of you need to read this today. And if you’re in a church that believes that men should rule over women absolutely–well, just know that this is not the heart of God. And I’ll be saying more about that in a series in September!
2. Tamar Listens to Psalm 61: Reflections for Spiritual and Sexual Abuse Survivors
If you’re a survivor of abuse, sometimes the Bible can be a difficult read. Can you see God as a father? What about all the people in the Bible who did pretty reprehensible things? Why does God still seem to like them?
Here’s a really insightful reflection about what David’s daughter Tamar would have felt when her brother Absalom revolted against David.
“David was “a man after God’s own heart” (I Samuel 13:14) but not a man who had arrived at God’s heart.”
If you want to think–Read Tamar Listens to Psalm 61.
3. A High View of Marriage Includes Divorce
Before you dismiss the premise out of hand, please read this. I think Christians have gone really far off base by saying “God hates divorce” without looking at the scriptural context for that statement. Which does God hate more: divorce, or abuse? And what does God love more–marriage, or the people inside the marriage?
She argues something here very similar to what I said about how I’m anti-divorce but pro-remarriage. I mourn every divorce, and I try so hard to help people deal with real issues so that the marriage can succeed. But I’m also well aware that some marriages need to end.
Read about a High View of Marriage
4. The Divorce Rate is Falling! Guess Why!
Lest we get too depressed about divorce from the preceding article, here’s a “happy” one–the divorce rate is falling. And it’s falling because of one particular generation that all too often gets beat up in news reports. Maybe we should listen to them!
But increasingly there’s a class divide in marriage which is worrisome:
“One of the reasons for the decline is that the married population is getting older and more highly educated,” Cohen said. Fewer people are getting married, and those who do are the sort of people who are least likely to get divorced, he said. “Marriage is more and more an achievement of status, rather than something that people do regardless of how they’re doing.”
Many poorer and less educated Americans are opting not to get married at all. They’re living together, and often raising kids together, but deciding not to tie the knot. And studies have shown these cohabiting relationships are less stable than they used to be.
5. How One Woman Hacked Online Dating
I don’t know if there’s anything profound here, but this woman made me laugh so much! She may be Jewish, but I saw so much of myself in her–I would totally do the whole data analysis thing, too.
What I would take away from her story: If you’re trying online dating to meet someone, have an idea of what sorts of things are important to you, and look for them. And as I’ve said before–make sure someone is truly a believer!
6. What Divorced Men Wish They Had Done Differently in Their Marriage
A lot of these are intuitive–they wish they had listened more, had spoken more–but I absolutely love that #1 is #1. I talk about this very small thing so often, and it really is one of the best things you can do in your marriage. It’s one of the 5 big mistakes I think so many couples make in the first year of marriage. It’s little. But it makes a difference!
Read divorced men’s regrets here.
7. Give Your Spouse the Benefit of the Doubt
Gary Thomas writes such a relatable post here–about how all too often we get into these RIDICULOUS scenarios where we assume our spouse doesn’t want/love us, when nothing can be further from the truth. This is great–but what I really liked was the part for “The Husbands”. I think many of you will relate to that scenario, even if you have to reverse the roles!
8. How Boys Feel Lost–and How This Leads to Porn Use
This is a really insightful post. Some language in it, but I found it a great read. Here’s a good quote from it:
“This leaves a lot of young men growing up confused. We don’t engage in the healthy types of play we need to bond, and we don’t get the emotional connection we need from fathers or other men. This leaves men apathetic and indifferent when they feel they can be neither, and thus we retreat into our digital worlds of lethargy.
Today, many good men sit on the sidelines while evil continues to infect the masculine soul like a cancer. We’re not teaching young men virtue or character, but vice. We’re telling them, tamp down your feelings, but also don’t be too masculine because that’s bad. The internal warrior gets crushed, and the poet is labeled a sissy.”
9. Robot Brothels?!? Won’t Stop Human Trafficking
Why a Sex Robot Brothel won’t solve the Human Trafficking problem in the City of Houston.
Okay, this one isn’t “worth reading” per se. It’s just something that I think we have to be aware of. Apparently sex dolls are becoming a serious thing. They’re very realistic. And child sex dolls are in great demand. I didn’t even know this was happening until about two years ago, but the market has exploded. Amazon is getting criticized for carrying some. And now apparently they’re coming to brothels near you, with the argument that they’ll reduce human trafficking.
I don’t think everybody has to read this (it’s very disturbing), but I do think we need to be aware of where the culture is going. We can’t keep our heads in the sand. And we have to keep speaking out against this. Women are not commodities. Sex should be intimate, not something where a guy just uses someone. This is terrible.
10. Ultimate Intimacy App
I know #9 was awful. But here’s how we fight against it: We get a healthy view of sex, and we have a lot of fun at it! The more we present the face that Christians have fun, and that sex in marriage is awesome, the more we can prevent people from getting sucked into gross things in the first place.
So it’s okay to have some fun! And if you’re having trouble, or if you just feel like things have gotten boring, I want to introduce you to my sponsor The Ultimate Intimacy App. It can do amazing things to spice up your marriage. It has a super fun game you can play that I explained here, but it also has articles to read on how to improve technique, how to have fun date nights, how to plan a weekend getaway, and more.
So even though it’s an app, it’s also something to read. And play. And enjoy! Check it out on iTunes or on Google Play.
Read anything worth reading lately? Leave it as a link in the comments! Or did any of those stand out to you? Let’s talk!
Author
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Sheila's Best Posts
Books
Courses
Freebie
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
