Shaunti Feldhahn's Blog, page 51

Guys, This Is What Women Really Want

Guys, women can seem SO complicated. How can you know what’s really in her mind? You know you love her, but sometimes she acts like she isn’t sure. Here’s what she really wants from you.

https://vimeo.com/222238191What Your Wife Really Wants From You from FamilyLife Canada on Vimeo.

Helping people thrive in life and relationships is Shaunti Feldhahn’s driving passion, supported by her research projects and writing. After starting out with a Harvard graduate degree and experience on Wall Street, her life took an unexpected shift into relationship research. She now is a popular speaker around the world and the author of best-selling books about men, women, and relationships. (Including For Men Only, and the groundbreaking Shaunti Feldhahn.

How to Surprise Your Wife In Ways That Will Delight Her

Men, have you ever been surprised when you’ve tried to surprise your wife? I heard just such a story recently, and I’ll bet you can feel this guy’s pain.

Even though baseball tickets at the new stadium were WAY out of their budget, this guy knew his wife would LOVE to go – and he unexpectedly managed to get tickets! Not just any tickets, mind you – tickets to opening night! Tickets that had been sold out for weeks. He was thrilled when he called his wife, knowing he was going to score some MAJOR husband points.

Him: “Hey, honey!  Guess where we get to go tonight?!”

Pause…

Him: “My client gave us his tickets for the game. Right behind home plate! Can you believe it?”

Pause…

Him: “Honey?”

Her: “Oh, honey – I wish I could go!  But there is just so much going on. Oh, man! I have that parent conference with Billy’s teacher and Janice has piano lessons, and…  and…. It’s just not a good night.”

Happy thoughts screech to a halt in his head, and indignant frustration takes over: She’s so unpredictable. I want to make her happy, but what on earth???! She wants to add some spice to life together, but when I try a surprise it feels like a total gamble. How do I ever hit the ball out of the park with her? 

Guys, surprises can be awesome, but there are times they may instead cause complications, frustration, or even displeasure.

Why is that, and how can you make sure to hit it out of the park instead of with disgruntlement that your efforts didn’t work? Here are four simple tips for surprising her in ways that will avoid distress and cause her to respond with appreciation and delight!

TIP #1: For last-minute surprises, remember: your wife probably juggles a LOT of schedule priorities that you may or may not have on your mind

The average wife and mom is very “scheduled up.”  You have a lot of tasks on your plate too, but most women are juggling not only tasks, but all sorts of priorities and needs that “fill in the cracks” of the day.  Even more to the point, according our research with thousands of women for my book For Men Only, 79% of women experience a constant awareness of all those details. A woman’s mind is ever multi-tasking. It’s as if she is working on multiple computer windows simultaneously.

This means that your wife is probably always thinking about how one change affects many other things.

So now think through your hypothetical call to surprise your wife with tickets to tonight’s ballgame. What you probably didn’t hear was how much she really wanted to go (she did!), but her mind quickly landed on all of the other details that she had planned for the afternoon and evening. She had a course charted for the day and was well on her way. You just put up a big detour sign; a fun one, but still a detour. And she knows that without resolution to all those logistical details, she won’t be able to really enjoy your evening of fun together. In other words: without resolution, it won’t be fun. She’s thinking I can’t just stand up Billy’s teacher after trying for weeks to get this scheduled… and Janice has no way of getting to piano, and the instructor was already mad about cancelling the last two lessons at the last minute… and…

Bottom line: approach a last-minute surprise as a “Would you like to do this?” Instead of a “Guess what? We’re doing this!” unless you are 100% sure you have all other bases covered. (See Tip #4.)

Tip #2: Know The Types of Surprises SHE will like

Think of yourself as being a lifelong student of your wife, learning her hopes, goals, challenges, fears, and – especially for this purpose – her likes and dislikes. Everyone feels loved when their partner knows what they want and gives it without being asked – and this is especially true of women.

Tweet this: “For Women Only, The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, demonstrates that kindness is the answer to almost every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post How to Surprise Your Wife In Ways That Will Delight Her appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

How to Effectively Boost Your Son’s Back-to-School Confidence

I just dropped off my 14-year-old son for the start of new year, at a brand-new new school. I had a lump in my throat, knowing how nervous he was about this new season.

Every year brings a new set of challenges for our kids, even at old schools. But today, that is especially true for boys.  We saw in our For Parents Only research with teens and pre-teens, that in today’s culture – even in the most well-intentioned school environments – our boys often internalize one overwhelming, toxic message: You aren’t good enough. You’re dumb. You don’t measure up. 

Tweet this: “We have the main role in sending our sons into school believing that he CAN succeed in the first place!“

So start saying these truths today, and say them often!

Truth #1: “You ARE smart!!!”

Boys often secretly think of themselves as “dumb” – and nothing could be further from the truth.

Tweet this: “Boy brains often need movement in order to learn.“

So he doesn’t comprehend it properly, doesn’t do the assignment properly, and gets a poor grade. He wanted to succeed, wanted to do well – but he couldn’t.

Repeat this dynamic thirty or forty (or three hundred) times in the first year or two of school – and it’s not surprising that you have a boy who assumes: “I’m dumb.”

You as a parent must call out this lie and blast it away. “You’re not dumb.  You’re a smart kid.” “We need to find and work with the way your brain learns – and we will!” Yes, our schools are set up for girl learning, but every boy can adapt to it in their own way, with (for example) reviewing the textbook or notes during homework time with breaks to go outside and shoot hoops. Or by listening to Catcher in the Rye on audio instead of just reading it.

Or by grasping the ways that they are smart and emphasizing those. As my friend Kathy Koch wrote in her book Eight Great Smarts, every child has unique “smarts” that are built into them – and it is life-changing for that child to suddenly see their specific intellectual gifts. Once they suddenly believe that they are smart, they believe they can do this thing called school – and they start trying again!

Truth #2: “I believe in you, and here’s why:___________”

Every child needs to hear this, but it is especially essential for a boy who is doubting himself. Before I dropped my (nervous) son off this morning, I reminded him what he knew, but he needed to hear again: You are a hard worker. You don’t give up. You have already learned a few of these things at your previous school. You’ve met some of the kids in your class over the summer. Conclusion: it is entirely reasonable to think you are going to do GREAT. And I know you can.

Maybe your child struggles in language arts but does great in science or math. Maybe he isn’t as organized as he needs to be, but he’s a hard worker. Or maybe he doesn’t care as much as he should about grades, but does enjoy learning a certain subject. Whatever his area of strength, emphasize it. Remind him of it. So he believes: There IS something I am good at!  

The more he knows WHY you believe in him, the more he will believe in himself. And that is crucial for him to continue moving forward.

Tweet this: “For Women Only, The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, demonstrates that kindness is the answer to almost every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post How to Effectively Boost Your Son’s Back-to-School Confidence appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

What You Need to Survive the Flight from Hell (Featuring a Screaming Baby)

I write this from 30,000 feet, heading home to my family. And about 5 rows behind me, there’s a very unhappy 20-month old. Actually two. A sweet husband and wife have two adorable, cherub-faced, curly-haired twin boys – and both of them have very good lungs. They have spent the 40 minutes of boarding, taxing for takeoff, taking off, climbing to altitude, and the first part of the flight, making it known that they did not want to be held in mom and dad’s protective arms, and they wanted down RIGHT NOW!!!

One son in particular has been in a full-blown, shrieking temper tantrum the entire time – which really is a remarkable feat of stamina if you think about it. Arched back, convulsions in his dad’s strong arms, shrieking to be held by “Mommy….! Moooommmy…!”

Of course, Mommy has the other twin in her arms. She can’t safely hold two wiggly active boys, so that left poor Dad having to hold on to a strong-willed, wriggling, shrieking tiger who didn’t want HIM.

It reminds me of that old baby-dinosaur cartoon from back in the day, where the male parent dinosaur was called “Not the Momma.”

Poor dads. But I digress.

Now picture with me, ten minutes of full-blown shrieking echoing through the quiet plane.  Not crying, not sobbing, not wailing… SHRIEKING! With no breaks. Now twenty minutes. Now forty.  And no end in sight. And nothing the parents are doing – soothing noises, stern approaches, trying to get the toddlers to watch videos – are working.

I see a very interesting pattern in the people around us. Each is handling it in one of three different ways.  And it strikes me that these three different ways are really, really good stand-ins for how we handle any awkward public situation. One response is fairly neutral, one is damaging, and one is life-changing – for the person in need and for you.

Which one is your reaction?

Way #1 – Put your earbuds in, and pretend it isn’t happening

I have about 40 people in my direct line of sight, and this is how most are handling it.  The tantrum is so over-the-top that everyone on the plane is aware of it, but most aren’t even acknowledging the situation.  I was surprised.  No sideways rueful smiles at the stranger next to them, or anything. They just put their ear buds in to block the noise, or work on their computer, or watch a movie on their phones or seat-back screen, and try to ignore it.

This “don’t get involved / look the other way / pretend it isn’t happening” ethic is probably not “neutral,” exactly, but it at least doesn’t make the situation any worse.

The problem is, it doesn’t do anything to address the problems posed by Way #2…

Way #2 – Gripe and complain

About one in five passengers that I can see and hear are letting this awkward situation get to them. Big time.

The man and woman directly behind me have gone from frustration to irritation to active anger, laced with expletives. “You’ve got to be [Bleep! Bleep!] kidding me.”  “Just shut the kid up.”  Some people are clearly responding loudly enough to be heard by the beleaguered parents.

One man has taken to using the Lord’s name in vain as a whole sentence, over and over, in response to the tantrum. His companion next to him has been rolling her eyes and making huffy noises. Clearly they have no desire or willingness to make allowances, to empathize with two embarrassed parents trying to make the best of a bad situation, to remember what it was like when their own kids were toddlers.

Giving in to their discontent. Which only made the atmosphere on the plane worse!

It strikes me that this griping and discontentment may not be my response in this exact situation, but I sure have had this response in others. How often have I been frustrated when a waiter was waaaay too slow in bringing my food, and rolled my eyes or huffed about it to the people next to me? How often have I let something get to me that really didn’t need to ruin my day?

Way #3 – Reach out and sympathize

The heroes of this flight, to me, were the people who were making a point to be kind. Who leaned across the aisle to smile and tell the mom and dad, “It’s okay, we get it.” Or the ones, as soon as the seat belt light was turned off, made a point of getting up to go to the restroom and tell the mom and dad in passing, “My kids did that too, don’t worry about it.” Or, “Oh, that is such a sweet age, but so hard when they don’t understand,” or some other semi-meaningless comment or smile, simply to let the parents know they weren’t alone.

There wasn’t much anybody could to do help… but actually there was. And this was it. Overt kindness was the best (really the only) way to serve the parents and improve an awkward situation.

I really think if just a few more of the “ignore the situation” people would think through “how could I be KIND in this moment?”, the gripers and complainers might – just might – have been given an opportunity to think about another way to handle it. Because they would see role models right in front of them.

Bottom line: as I am getting my eardrums blasted right this minute, I think that the lessons of the shrieking-toddler-on-a-plane situation are far more about us and our need to default to kindness, patience and contentment, than they are about how or whether to confront the parents of (supposedly) poorly-behaved children.

Helping people thrive in life and relationships is Shaunti Feldhahn’s driving passion, supported by her research projects and writing. After starting out with a Harvard graduate degree and experience on Wall Street, her life took an unexpected shift into relationship research. She now is a popular speaker around the world and the author of best-selling books about men, women, and relationships. (Including For Men Only, and the groundbreaking Shaunti Feldhahn.

4 Secrets in Your Man’s Heart (That You Need to Know)

Ladies, if you could improve your relationship with your man by applying a few simple truths, would you?  Seriously: think about that question. Because I’ve found in my research with thousands of men for For Women Only, that the things that light your man up — and which hurt him — are probably quite different from those that would do the same for you.

Which means that if we want to improve our relationship, we need to be willing to learn. We need to be willing to humbly set aside our preconceived notions, our habits, even our indignation about whether our man “should” feel this way or need that thing at all — and see our man for who he really is.

If we want to improve our relationships, we need to be willing to learn.“

If you’re willing to do that, here are four secrets about your man’s heart that every woman needs to know — and the changes that you might want to make in response.

Secret #1: You man’s heart is far more vulnerable than you realize — specifically, about what he does.

Deep in the heart of most women (about 8 in 10 on our surveys) is a secret question: Am I loveable?  Beautiful? Am I worthy of being loved for who I am on the inside?  And that doesn’t go away just because we are married, right?  This is why it hurts so much when you are in an emotional conflict with your man and he shuts down and withdraws, saying he needs to get away and get some space. It triggers the anxious subconscious question (as crazy as it might be) about whether he still loves you.  The thought, “Are we okay?” roils in your gut.  Even as you go about your day, it is hard to concentrate until you get that text or call from your man, apologizing or making up.  There is a deep need for reassurance.

Well, your big strong husband has his own secret question – it just happens to be very different from yours. His question is Am I able? Do I measure up?  Am I any good at what I do?  (In other words, “Am I any good at what I do on the outside?”) Depending on the survey, 75-85% of men have this question.  Down deep, they wonder whether they are any good at what they try to do for you, wonder whether you think they are a good husband, or a good father.  With all the little things that they do for you – changing the lightbulbs, getting the right groceries from the store, going to work each day, choosing the best seats for your family in the movie theater – they are secretly holding their hearts out on a platter, wanting to please you yet doubting they are up to the task.

So realize when you respond to your husband, you’re responding to the inner, vulnerable man – not the confident-looking outer one. Which leads to Secret #2….

Secret #2: Your man is always looking for signals about how he is doing – and you’re always sending those signals, whether you realize it or not.

Because of your man’s subconscious vulnerability, he’s looking for signals from the people around him about whether he’s doing a good job (“Does my wife think I’m a good dad? Did my co-worker seem to think I have what it takes to run this project?  Did the kids notice that I set aside my own work tonight to drive them to baseball?)

When you regularly share your discontent (“Why did you send the kids outside without their coats?” “You forgot the extra butter at the store again”), you send a very painful signal. It is roughly equivalent to the signal you would get if you tried to hug your husband for reassurance during an emotional conflict, and he stonily set you aside, and said ‘I do not want to talk to you today.’ By contrast, when you express overt appreciation for the little things he does, you affirm your husband in the most tender places of his heart.

When you express appreciation for the little things, you affirm your husband in the most tender places of his heart.“

Believe it or not, when it’s raining and he drops you off near the door to the movie theater, your simple words, “Thank you for keeping me dry, honey” is a huge encouragement to him. (“She noticed what I did, and thinks I did a good job.”)

Secret #3: The reason he needs to hear affirmation is that he probably doesn’t see it the way you would

Although there are exceptions to this, many men don’t pick up on “vibes” or body language in the same way many women do.  So he truly may have no clue how you feel about something he did.  He needs to hear your words of affirmation telling him he’s good enough. He needs to hear how proud you are of his work or a simple “thank you” for his efforts. He needs to know that you’re pleased with what he did. Don’t leave it to chance for him to try to figure it out – actually tell him.

As I’m speaking at women’s events, I often get the question, “But, shouldn’t he “just know” that I think he’s doing a great job? Why should I have to tell him?” Sure, he may intellectually “know,” down deep, that you appreciate him – but he still deeply needs to hear you saying it. Wouldn’t you hate it if your man rarely hugged you or rarely told you he loved you because, well, after all, you already know he does?

Your words of affirmation encourage him and keep him going. They reassure that inner voice asking “Am I good enough?” Just like you want to hear, “you’re beautiful and I love you,” he wants to hear those words that signal, “I noticed what you did and it was good.”

Secret #4: Affirmation in the bedroom is the deepest salve for his secret vulnerability

We women tend to misunderstand what physical intimacy means to our man.  We think of it as a physical need – which can often feel quite optional, especially when our physical need is sleep!

But instead, the importance of sex for a man is primarily emotional: when he knows that you desire him, it gives him confidence about how he’s doing in the other areas of his life.  And when you sexually flirt with him, respond to him in the bedroom, or even initiate intimacy, it says something very powerful to the vulnerable places in your husband’s heart: I do desire you… you do measure up… you are not alone.

As with all things, there are always exceptions, and some women are the ones with the higher libido (see a response to that here).  But most probably, your man is secretly longing for sexual connection not primarily for physical pleasure, but for a deep connection with you, the woman he loves, and for the deep reassurance that you care, that you believe in him, and he is worth you being one with him in every way.

Helping people thrive in life and relationships is Shaunti Feldhahn’s driving passion, supported by her research projects and writing. After starting out with a Harvard graduate degree and experience on Wall Street, her life took an unexpected shift into relationship research. She now is a popular speaker around the world and the author of best-selling books about men, women, and relationships. (Including For Men Only, and the groundbreaking Shaunti Feldhahn.

When He Denies Needing Your Help, Here’s Why

Ladies, has your man ever refused to admit that he should go see a doctor or claimed that he knows where he’s going when he is clearly lost? He’s not alone. A man will typically insist that “he’s fine,” that “it’s all good,” that he “doesn’t need help”—even when we might just insist otherwise. My research with men for For Women Only revealed four surprising reasons for this stubborn independence:

1. Needing help means, by definition, that he’s unable to do it himself.

We women might say, “Yeah… and…?” because we don’t see the problem with that! In our world, for example, there’s nothing wrong with stopping to ask for directions. After all, it is far more efficient than driving in circles. But for the average man, efficiency is far down the list of concerns. Far more important is accomplishing what you’ve set out to do—and avoiding defeat and the shame of failure. (Even if that failure is merely the inability to beat the flu virus!)

2. Accomplishing something keeps a man going; not being able to accomplish it is painful.

I can still remember the emotion in the voices of several businessmen I was interviewing, as they described a time they had pursued but almost didn’t land a high-profile business deal that was important for their company. Why the unusual level of emotion? As I investigated further I was unsurprised to hear they had been concerned about letting down their company and their colleagues. I was more surprised to learn that each man had instantly worried about being fired and not being able to provide for his family. But most surprising of all was what each man described as the most painful thought to a man: the idea that he might fail at something he tried to do. Seriously? As one man explained, “That means you’re a loser. You’re weak. You tried… and you failed. And if you ask any guy, in sports or in business, we hate losing even more than we want to win.”

The most painful thought to a man: the idea that he might fail at something he tried to do. “

3. Weakness or failure is painful because it confirms their secret insecurities.

His confident face is just a mask covering a deep vulnerability. On all of my surveys, three out of four men confessed to a very real self-doubt that was always there. For a guy, that self-doubt is like a raw nerve—which is rubbed even rawer any time he feels weak, uncertain or inadequate. As one very successful businessman put it, “I want to be a great husband to my wife, but am I? Or at work, I put on a good front, but secretly I’m always waiting for someone to find out I’m a total imposter. That’s why I’ll sit in my office for two hours puzzling over something instead of taking five minutes to ask someone how such-and-such is done: if I have to ask, it just confirms that I can’t cut it. I will take the trade-off and work the extra hours any day, in order to avoid that feeling.”

4. “Figuring it out” provides a rush of reassurance.

Ladies, you know that feeling you get when you’ve been arguing with your husband or boyfriend, maybe you’re secretly feeling a little insecure, and then at some point he comes over, gives you a big hug and says “we’re okay”? That is such a powerful feeling of reassurance when you’ve felt off-balance and vulnerable. Well, when a man doesn’t know exactly what to do—whether it’s which street to take or how to re-wire the basement lighting—and he perseveres and figures it out, he gets that the same sort of reassurance! He has just soothed that secret worry that he is not capable or good enough to complete the task. And when you see what he did and applaud him for it? That’s when he feels like a true winner!

Helping people thrive in life and relationships is Shaunti Feldhahn’s driving passion, supported by her research projects and writing. After starting out with a Harvard graduate degree and experience on Wall Street, her life took an unexpected shift into relationship research. She now is a popular speaker around the world and the author of best-selling books about men, women, and relationships. (Including For Men Only, and the groundbreaking Shaunti Feldhahn.

5 Reasons To Leave The Lights On For Sex

Yes, the idea is scary for many women! But in my years of social research, I have uncovered many truths that men wish we knew, but they don’t know how to tell us. And, I heard the heart behind this wish – and discovered five surprising reasons to take the risk.

Reason #1: When he knows you want him, it increases intimacy.

A husband is powerfully impacted by knowing his wife desires him. And few things signal “desire” more than when he sees his wife engaged in their time together. Men secretly feel so vulnerable when they approach their wives for intimacy: Do I measure up? Does she want me? Am I not enough for her? Sometimes a man will keep his guard up to avoid the sting of inadequacy if he senses his wife may not truly be all in. So, if he sees that you’re engaged, he can set all concerns aside, let down his guard, and take the risk of opening up emotionally. And that vulnerability leads to much greater intimacy.

Tweet this: “When we let down our guard and trust, we reach mutual vulnerability and true oneness.“

Reason #3 He is visual. 

Yes, this has been stated many times. I discovered just how much in my research for For Women Only and further researched it in Through A Man’s Eyes. But it’s worth repeating: a man’s emotions are tied to his eyes. He drinks in and savors those images of you in your intimate time together in a wonderful, emotional way that you as a woman may never fully understand. But when those visual memories come back to his mind, he feels a rush of affection and love for you. And they are a bulwark and ammunition against the impact of all those other images that confront him out in the world every day.

Reason #4: He delights in knowing he has delighted you.

Did you hear that? He delights in knowing he has delighted you. The vast majority of men I’ve interviewed and surveyed have confirmed it: your man is most pleased when he pleases you. Three out of four said that for a man, sex is empty if his wife isn’t satisfied – or if he can’t tell that she was satisfied. The men said it makes an immense, delightful difference for a man to be able to can see his wife’s reactions in some way.

Tweet this: “For Women Only, The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, demonstrates that kindness is the answer to almost every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post 5 Reasons To Leave The Lights On For Sex appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

3 Sneaky Ways You’re Making Yourself Stressed

Do you have any idea what is the most frequent command in the Bible? Believe it or not, it is not to “love one another” (although that’s up there!). Instead, the most frequent command — used more than 70 times — is “do not be afraid.”

We don’t really realize it, but we humans are prone to fear! We subconsciously feed it, nurture it, and accommodate it. All too often, we tuck a little fear center into our mind and heart, and make sure it is always turned on.

Don’t believe me? What if I used the word “worry” instead of fear?

Oh. Right. Now, many of us can relate. I sure can. And during my research for The Kindness Challenge I realized: We can’t feed fear (aka: worry) and then complain that we’re anxious and stressed!  We’ve got to look for and confront the ways we are causing the very anxiety we wish we didn’t have.

We can’t feed fear (aka: worry) and then complain that we’re anxious and stressed!“

So here are three sneaky ways we’re causing our own stress — and how to eliminate them!

Trap #1: Keeping Track of What is Fair or Unfair

If you’ve ever been out to a group dinner and started mentally tallying up who ordered what – and hoping that everyone paid the proper share including tip and tax, darn it! – then you’re giving in to this type of fear.

It is so easy to constantly keep track of who said this or did that (I can’t believe the boss remembered Mary in his thank-you speech, and left my name out. I worked just as hard!). Who was next in line (It sure wasn’t that rude man who cut in front of me), and who should wait their turn. Who owes or who paid.

When we don’t purposefully notice and confront those snippy thoughts, we allow them to rob us of kind ones — and likely kind actions.

When we don’t purposefully notice and confront snippy thoughts, we allow them to rob us of kind ones. “

The answer? We’ve got to choose to respond in the opposite way our hearts want to go.  Assume the best of others, not the worst. Let offenses go. That allows us to escape the exhaustion of subconscious mental scorekeeping.

Your friend is running late again? Counter the temptation to think “She’s so selfish; she only cares about her own schedule,” and think “I love her spontaneity and flexibility, and this is part of friendship with her.  It is probably good for me to not be so tied to a clock.”

Your boss left your name out of his speech? Think, “I’m so glad Mary got recognized this time. She’s been working so hard.”

Trap #2: “If _____ happens, things are going to fall apart.” 

It turns out, “catastrophizing” is a thing. Who knew? And when I was researching the different patterns of negativity, I realized this is one I have in full measure! (Quick aside: There are seven negativity patterns, and everyone has at least one. I strongly suggest that you identify yours in The Kindness Challenge, since these nearly always are impacting us daily.) Catastrophizing is essentially allowing ourselves to spin out the worst case scenarios about something, and assume they are just around the corner.

We see this in politics (boy, have we seen this in politics!), when we think If that person gets elected / that issue doesn’t get solves, its going to be awful! But we also see it in our relationships, and in the little daily things of life.

A friend of mine, who recently had her second child, started becoming anxious about her baby’s sleep patterns. Understandably, her own sleep-deprived state took over—but she didn’t handle it well. She began to think that everything was going to absolutely fall apart if she didn’t get that baby on a sleep schedule! There’s nothing wrong with wanting that, of course, but she was so driven by her worry that she became obsessively focused, and (a common side effect of catastrophizing) her stress started to spill out in unkind ways. She fueled her anxiety by slaving over every parenting book and blog she could find, and turned into a field marshal to her husband and older child.

Fortunately, she realized she was caught in an endless “If/then” thought loop. She began to consciously replace those thoughts with more positive ones like “Even though my child didn’t sleep well tonight, there is hope for tomorrow. This isn’t the end of the world.”

She discovered that even if she did end up being tired from lack of sleep, that mental switch was a lot more pleasant!

Trap #3: Playing the Constant Devil’s Advocate

We can all benefit from playing devil’s advocate from time to time. It allows us to practice critical thinking and have empathy for sides other than our own.

But if you constantly play devil’s advocate, you can become locked in on always looking for the contrarian point of view – which almost always means looking for the worst in every situation. For some, it can virtually become a form of entertainment! Some folks eventually come to love stirring the pot to spark debate with others. What most of us don’t realize is that this particular game can become isolating and frustrating — for you and those around you.

If this is a theme for you, consider its value. Are you actually considering needed back-up plans for realistic possibilities? Or are you really just training yourself to look for the worst instead of for the realistic positives?

If our thoughts continually focus on the worst things that could happen (realistic or not), we create our own stress< — and can become pretty unkind and cantankerous in the bargain.

If our thoughts continually focus on the worst things that could happen (realistic or not), we create our own stress.“

Once we train ourselves to look for the positives, we’ll find they truly are out there – and that seeing them is truly one of the best ways to cast out fear.

Helping people thrive in life and relationships is Shaunti Feldhahn’s driving passion, supported by her research projects and writing. After starting out with a Harvard graduate degree and experience on Wall Street, her life took an unexpected shift into relationship research. She now is a popular speaker around the world and the author of best-selling books about men, women, and relationships. (Including For Men Only, and the groundbreaking Shaunti Feldhahn.

Anonymous Feedback about the 30-Day Kindness Challenge

When my team received this feedback from a 30-Day Kindness Challenge participant, I knew I absolutely had to share it! With her permission, here is one woman’s take on the Challenge so far:

I MUST ADMIT, This challenge is very difficult for me many times! My start date was July first, and when reading the first chapter. I literally put down this book and said “I’m NOT DOING THIS CHALLENGE”. “My baby daddy” is a complete jerk! He doesn’t take ownership of ANY of his responsibilities and how he hurt me in SO MANY WAYS! No matter, how wrong I was for hurting him, I apologized to The Lord, Myself, and even him. I’m showing ALL THESE actions ALREADY, and He keeps taking me for granted and blaming me for HIS FRUSTRATIONS!!! I’ll just be Miss Piggy and Mr. Scrooge Altogether! Well after crying, complaining, and pacing in my home….The Lord Just I feel awoke me and a revelation came to mind.

1. The same Grace and Mercy That the Lord Jesus Christ and His HOLY SPIRIT Has on You, He has on Him.

2. You are supposed to be a Christian, and The Lord told Peter, YOU MUST Forgive 70 times 7!

3. Did and Does God ever Give up on you in your failures, mistakes, and when you’re a jerk?!

4. The Lord Jesus Christ and His Holy Spirit commands you to LOVE. Matthew 22:37-40

5. You are really more nice than kind to your baby daddy! God Needs you to kindly love him His Way Not Yours

6. If you ever want a deeper relationship with your son, parenting, or even yourself pick that book back up in accompany with your BIBLE. The Lord Promises His Strength and To see you through Isaiah 41:8-10

7. After YOU HAVE DONE ALL YOU CAN, JUST STAND!!!! Says, Donnie McClurkin

Well, it’s now day 11 and in between time, I have TRULY SEEN GOD at work in MY LIFE, (even though I’m now moving into chapter 3). Here is how I thank The Lord for bringing me through this challenge…

1. On 7/10/17 from 9:45-2:30, The Lord gave me the Privilege to work and serve in The Church, cleaning the children’s area!!! During this time, I was able to meet a sister in Christ with two children whom at some point she left in my care while doing a tremendous job discipling her children, serving, mentoring me, and Trusting the Lord to see her through. Her little daughter, son, and grew to know each other during this time, and before our shift serving was over… Her daughter replied to me, Jesus Loves You! She then asked me if I was a teacher, and I said no. She said, Yes you are. While in the classroom, I saw that God Loves a cheerful giver II Corinthians, and was even asked if I would help clean out each classroom once a month!!!

2. While studying Thru The Word at home, my son was drawing on my Bible and as I inductively study, I noticed he drew an upside down heart, which really stuck out to me! I cried and said, mommy needs to get her heart right with the LORD. She is so unkind and takes her frustration out on others. How can I effectively SHEPARD MY SON TO WHOM THE LORD BLESSED ME WITH THIS WAY? After praying and calling out to The Lord, my son got on HIS knees to pray, and then he looked at me and said Mercy Momma! God gives Mercy.

3. Bible Study is so AMAZING, ON Saturday the beginning of this month, The Lord has blessed me to receive, and educational award through the mail. The school noticed the accomplishments that God has blessed me to acheive throughout my personal struggles.

I’m going to keep trying to learn how to be KIND THE LORD’S WAY, not my nice Ms. Piggy Way, although, I move slow and it takes time. I Thank The Lord for really being patient with me, and just loving me with His Favor, Mercy, and Strength. Yes LIFE IS HARD; however, we make life more complicated when we choose to walk in our own strength and not The Lord Jesus Christ and His Holy Spirit.

May The Lord Jesus Christ and His Holy Spirit Continue to Bless Abundantly Calvary Chapel of Green Valley and Mrs. Shaunti Feldhahn; in addition, to ALL CHURCHES THE BODY OF CHRIST Who Believe in The Deity of Jesus! He is The GREAT I AM!!!

Intrigued? Sign up today for your own Challenge!

The post Anonymous Feedback about the 30-Day Kindness Challenge appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

3 Simple Compliments That Will Please Your Wife

Husbands, do you want to know what goes on inside your wife’s head? And do you wish there was something that you could say to make her feel deeply loved? While I cannot tell you everything she thinks, I can assure you that, if she’s like most of the women in my surveys, these are the areas where you can most encourage her:

1. “Am I beautiful?” You may think your wife is beautiful, adorable, sexy, and you love to look at her. And yet… she probably sees all her flaws instead. She has deep doubts about whether she is beautiful at all. Little girls will spin in a pretty dress, asking “Daddy, am I pretty?” And guys, your confident, grown-up wife is still that little girl inside.

2. “Am I beautiful… to him?” Today, your confident, grown-up wife is still looking to the most important man in her life for a signal of whether she’s beautiful. Only now that man is you. Our For Men Only research discovered that most women have a deep need to know that their man finds them beautiful. In fact, 77% of women age 45 and younger feel this way. It says something to her about whether she is special, lovely and loved. Your words of affirmation, of how adorable you find her, fill a very important need.

Tweet this: “Most women have a deep need to know that their man finds them beautiful.“

3. “After 20 years of marriage and two kids, do I still rock your world?” When she comes downstairs in an outfit and asks “How do I look?” she’s not usually asking a technical question. So the answer she’s looking for is not, “Fine.” She’s asking: In a world filled with Cosmo models and sultry women just a click away, do you still find me attractive? She’s asking, When I can no longer fit into my honeymoon bikini, can I still turn your head? So, the next time you see her coming down the stairs all decked out, don’t wait for her to ask. Do a double take, give her a big smile, and say “Honey, you look stunning.” That will make the little girl inside very, very happy.

Helping people thrive in life and relationships is Shaunti Feldhahn’s driving passion, supported by her research projects and writing. After starting out with a Harvard graduate degree and experience on Wall Street, her life took an unexpected shift into relationship research. She now is a popular speaker around the world and the author of best-selling books about men, women, and relationships. (Including For Men Only, and the groundbreaking Shaunti Feldhahn.