Shaunti Feldhahn's Blog, page 50

How to Stop Male Co-Workers’ Resentment … When You Work Flex-Time

Dear Shaunti, 

I work full-time, have 3 small children and work a flex schedule. This works really well for my family but my male co-workers get frustrated when they can’t reach me during traditional office hours. I’m getting all my work done but I’m worried they’re not viewing me as an equal colleague because they don’t always see me in the office.

–Trying to Find the Balance

Dear Trying to Find the Balance,

As a working mom myself, I get how difficult it can be to balance the demands of your job and the needs of your family. But as you have seen, it is important to be aware of how that might be viewed. In my research for The Male Factor, I saw a perception held by nearly all men (and, often, executive-level women).

The men may logically know that an offsite colleague is working lots of hours, but it doesn’t feel the same for one reason: they don’t see the person as sharing the same pain.

The men I interviewed often mentioned a sports analogy: in the heat of the summer, football teammates would bond during sweltering two-a-day practices, getting in shape to win their games. Never would one teammate say “Coach, I don’t have to practice with the others, because I can get in shape on my own time over here in my air-conditioned gym.” He might technically be correct, but his teammates would not look at him the same because—you guessed it—he didn’t share the same pain.

So what does this mean for you? First, acknowledge to yourself that by not being available during the regular hours, you may not actually be sharing the same pain… and if you were in your colleagues’ shoes, you might be frustrated too. So without compromising your flex priorities, look for ways to improve the relationship.

Since you’re already ensuring you get your work done, you may want to next look for ways to demonstrate to your “team” that you are sharing their pain, you’re just spreading it out over different hours. You know that committee no one wants to lead? Lead it if you can. Offer to be the one to make the phone call to the awkward client. If you work after the kids are in bed, don’t hesitate to send the email with the midnight time stamp – and don’t mention your late hours the next day.

But second, and most important, never lose sight of the great gift you have: you’ve found a work schedule that meets your primary priority of being able to balance work with family. Don’t apologize for that.

If you handle it well, it might even give some of the family-oriented men in your office a precedent so they can do the same.

Helping people thrive in life and relationships is Shaunti Feldhahn’s driving passion, supported by her research projects and writing. After starting out with a Harvard graduate degree and experience on Wall Street, her life took an unexpected shift into relationship research. She now is a popular speaker around the world and the author of best-selling books about men, women, and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, demonstrates that kindness is the answer to almost every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

The post How to Stop Male Co-Workers’ Resentment … When You Work Flex-Time appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

The Shock Value of the Competent Dad

I remember a couple of years ago around Mother’s Day, Jeff and I were watching television one night when we saw a commercial for Publix, one of the big grocery-store chains in our area. The television ad showed several scenes of different men in different houses, secretly helping their kids cook breakfast for Mom, and then prepare to bring her breakfast in bed. The dads were all helping the little ones measure out flour for pancakes, cooking sausage, even squeezing fresh orange juice, and arranging the trays just so. At the end of the ad, it showed each gleeful husband and kids sneaking toward the Master bedroom to deliver the goods.

I still remember how Jeff turned to me in astonishment, and said, “That advertisement was amazing – every single one of those men looked incredibly competent!”

I had often noticed and remarked on how much our culture bashes men, but until Jeff said that I don’t think I had ever really considered what it must be like to be a man these days and to endure hundreds of advertisements and sitcoms that show men as, essentially, buffoons. Any spot that would show women as the buffoons would be quickly condemned, but it has become so acceptable to show disrespect to men that we were astounded when an ad actually showed them looking competent!

After years of doing research into how men think and feel, and doing interviews and surveys with thousands of men for my book For Women Only, I realized that this subconscious disrespect of men has worked its way into our relationships with them – and is doing incalculable damage.

Because, ironically, what men most need from their wives is respect and appreciation—and what is most painful is that sense that someone views them as inadequate. In fact, I was astounded that three out of four men surveyed said if they had to make the choice, they would be willing to feel unloved if they could just feel that their wife respected them, trusted them, believed in them and admired them… and all those things were more important to the average guy even than feeling loved.

I think because we’ve grown so used to a subtle – or not so subtle! – level of disrespect, that we don’t realize how often it creeps into our relationship with our husband. So we as women are really good at showing love, and we’ll say “honey I love you” and do all these things we hope he’ll see as loving… but at the same time – without realizing it!—we’re often criticizing him frequently, or questioning his decisions all the time, or teasing him in public about not being able to fix those broken cabinets in the kitchen… and any man hearing that is going to feel like ‘she just does not respect me.’ And since that is his worst feeling, he won’t feel loved.

I’m going to issue a plea to all the women reading this article: if you see any of yourself in this description, learn to look for those things you can respect about your man, and tell him what those are regularly. Build him up and say “thank you” for what he does do well. Nearly every man told me that he would run through a brick wall for a woman who made him feel like he was her hero.

In other words, make him feel like you believe he is competent and could do a great job of making you breakfast in bed… and you might just be surprised one day!

Helping people thrive in life and relationships is Shaunti Feldhahn’s driving passion, supported by her research projects and writing. After starting out with a Harvard graduate degree and experience on Wall Street, her life took an unexpected shift into relationship research. She now is a popular speaker around the world and the author of best-selling books about men, women, and relationships. (Including For Men Only, and the groundbreaking Shaunti Feldhahn.

Are Legos Just For Boys? It’s Complicated.

One of the things that years of research with men and women, boys and girls, has taught me is that the genders are just (gasp!) different.

It always stuns me when people push back against this idea – as if acknowledging differences will somehow suck our society through the space-time-continuum, back to the bad old days when there were “Want Ads for Men” (engineers and doctors) and “Want Ads for Women” (grade school teachers and secretaries). (Yes, that did happen in the 1950s and 60s, believe it or not… but I think our culture has gone just a teeny bit beyond that at this point.)

For those of you who haven’t seen it, there was a recent uproar over the new Lego line for girls, called “Lego Friends,” which focuses on more realistic girl characters that girls can both build around and play with as they engage in the type of fluid storyline-based play that girls tend to do automatically. Only some people are screaming sexist as a result, since the new line features sets like cafes and beauty parlors rather than dungeons, skyscrapers, and spaceships.

As one outraged woman asked, “Is Lego telling my daughter that she has to run a beauty parlor rather than be an architect someday?”

Actually, no, they’re not. The problem is that this concern ignores the reality that Lego is simply giving many girls (not all, but many) what they actually want. And they want it because their girl brains are simply wired differently than boy brains in many, many different ways.

Let me take a second to give you the back story to why the new Lego line exists – a back story which I found fascinating, and which we can learn from if we are willing to do so. After almost going out of business a few years back, Lego cut its costs and focused aggressively on boys in order to do one thing well and return to financial health. I read a really interesting article in Bloomberg business magazine about how Lego then began an effort to reach out more to girls – but to do it in a way that would create Lego toys girls would actually want to play with. Because giving girls pink bricks instead of blue just wasn’t doing it, and while political correctness plays well on Facebook, it doesn’t sell Lego kits. So Lego began a long term sociological / anthropological study, embedding researchers into the homes of families around the world to watch how boys and girls actually played with their Lego toys in the real world.

As the mom of a both a boy and a girl, I had noticed for years that there just weren’t a lot of Lego options that appealed to my daughter during her “Lego years.” She played with them of course, but with nowhere close to my son’s enthusiasm. When our family visited Disney World years ago, and the kids brought their saved-up chore money to buy a few presents of their choice, my daughter walked into the Lego Store, looked around while my son began intimately examining his glistening options with almost agonizingly exquisite detail (Ninjago! Star Wars! Castles!), gave the little pink quarantine of “girl-colored” Lego sets in the corner a desultory look, came over to me and asked, “can I go to the Princess store instead?”

And therein lies the problem with the sort of old-school political correctness that tries to say that girls will always be engaged by the same things as boys if you just give them the right options: it’s just not true. I’m convinced that my daughter is going to be an engineer of some kind – she is a math whiz and does visual-spatial reasoning problems far more naturally than I can. She loves mysteries and suspense books about knights and castles — and yet, as a kid, she wanted to play with dolls in the castles instead of building impersonally with them. She loved the idea of the new Lego Friends toys – although, she quickly added, it’s too bad that she’s too old to really take advantage of them now.

We do our girls no favors by trying to pretend that they aren’t different from boys – don’t we talk about embracing our “female strengths”? How can we encourage our girls to embrace who they are – who God made them to be! – without acknowledging, encouraging and celebrating that they learn differently, lead differently and yes, play differently. Those things that appeal to girls, do so because, I believe, that is the way God made them – made us!

Yes, everyone is an individual (as my little tomboy math-brain girl knows) but that’s just the point: respecting how we are each made and designed, rather than trying to put us in a box, will always lead us to God’s best for us, and for our kids.

I’m sort of hoping that some of the daughters of the upset moms will start asking for Lego Friends, and give the moms a chance to see that for themselves.

Helping people thrive in life and relationships is Shaunti Feldhahn’s driving passion, supported by her research projects and writing. After starting out with a Harvard graduate degree and experience on Wall Street, her life took an unexpected shift into relationship research. She now is a popular speaker around the world and the author of best-selling books about men, women, and relationships. (Including For Men Only, and the groundbreaking Shaunti Feldhahn.

Husband-Speak: How to Transform His World With Your Words

Imagine a springtime shower without the gentle sound of rain. Or a baseball game without that CRACK of the bat. Or imagine a world where children smile but don’t laugh, friends wave but don’t speak, dogs don’t bark and birds don’t sing.

A world without all that would seem flat and weird and strangely empty, right? That is exactly what it feels like for your husband when he fails to hear your voice affirming him. Your husband longs to hear your words of approval as much as you want to hear his “I love you.”

Tweet this: “Your husband longs to hear your words of approval as much as you want to hear him say he loves you.

Want to transform your man’s world — and your marriage? Start by actually verbalizing kindness to your man — saying out loud those little affirming things that you might think are so minor they shouldn’t even matter.

Why do they matter? From my For Women Only research with thousands of men, here are five Transforming Truths to help you understand just why he needs to hear your praise:

Transforming Truth #1: Your husband wants to please you

It’s true. Most men have tender hearts under the strong-looking exterior. When he looks at you, he wants to know that you approve of him. And sure, he’s not perfect. Sometimes he tries to help you or impress you and fails miserably. Sometimes he is insensitive, or hurts your feelings. But remember that in your life together, the overwhelming focus of his tender heart is to please you.

When you smile at him it shows him I made her happy! And he’ll want to do yet again whatever it is that is pleasing you.

All of which means you have nothing to lose and so much to gain by praising your husband.

Tweet this: “You have nothing to lose and so much to gain by praising your husband.“

Transforming Truth #2: Even if it didn’t quite work… His intentions are good

Yes, he wants to make you happy… but sometimes his good intentions, best laid plans, and everything else can fall apart and not end up like he hopes!

One man I talked to described making dinner for his expectant wife. She had been very sick with their first child and he wanted to do something nice for her. He looked through some old cookbooks and found a recipe for a tomato casserole. He picked some fresh tomatoes from the garden and began picturing his wife with a big smile on her face as she ate a delicious meal that she did not have to cook. But instead of seeing that smile, he saw her fleeing from the house. In her pregnant state, she couldn’t bear the smell of the cooking casserole! It became so overwhelming that she had to go to her mother’s house until the smell subsided.

Thankfully, she also knew he meant well – and she told him so! Rather than belittling him for making her sick, she thanked him for his thoughtfulness. Today, it is one of their funniest marriage memories.

Transforming Truth #3: Acknowledging his efforts encourages him to keep trying

Perhaps what made you want to run out of the house wasn’t a smelly casserole, but the fact that he accidentally washed the whites with a red t-shirt. Suddenly, all your underwear (and his!) is pink.

As noted, it is very easy to focus on what went wrong – that result most definitely did not please us! But it changes our perspective when we ask what he was trying to do to please us. In this case, for example, can we realize that he actually was helping with the laundry… and I want him to keep on doing it!? The man who most wants to please his wife will shut down from trying again if she jumps on his “fails.”

So if your husband turns all the underwear pink, in that moment reassure him – just as you would want to be reassured if you had messed up. Give him a hug. Thank him for helping with the laundry instead of scolding him. Believe me, he knows he failed. Big time. And if he’s like most men, his competitive nature will show up and he will want to learn and get it right next time – as long as you reassure him that you appreciate him, regardless.

Later, give him some pointers—if they are needed. (He may have already been scouring YouTube for videos about how to do a perfect load of laundry.) But for now, focus on the good. He was trying to help. He was making the effort… for you.

Transforming Truth #4: Your affirming words touch him in a deeply emotional way

Your husband doesn’t just want to do well at things, in order to do well at things. Your husband longs for you to be his biggest fan. Hearing your words of affirmation touches him in a deeply emotional way.

The old saying that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach isn’t right. It’s actually through his ears. When you tell him “thank you” and affirm his efforts, you let him know he is good enough, that he measures up, and that you approve of him. His tender heart needs to hear those words from your lips. For him, it’s transformational. Without them, it’s like that world without sound.

Tweet this: “Don’t assume that your man knows you appreciate and respect him. If you haven’t told him, then he may not know.“

The good news is that rain does patter, birds do sing, children do laugh, and you can begin to transform your husband’s world by simply speaking affirmation and kindness to him.

Want to develop a habit of that? Try the 30-Day Kindness Challenge and you’ll see everything changing very quickly.

Helping people thrive in life and relationships is Shaunti Feldhahn’s driving passion, supported by her research projects and writing. After starting out with a Harvard graduate degree and experience on Wall Street, her life took an unexpected shift into relationship research. She now is a popular speaker around the world and the author of best-selling books about men, women, and relationships. (Including For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, demonstrates that kindness is the answer to almost every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post Husband-Speak: How to Transform His World With Your Words appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

The Foreign Culture Of A Man’s Mind And How To Navigate It

Have you ever travelled to a foreign country with a very different culture for your work? Were you uneasy? Did you read up on the geography, language, rituals, and nuances so that you would be successful?

When I was working as a financial analyst at the Federal Reserve Bank of New York, my primary responsibility was investigating and analyzing the Japanese financial meltdown. I soon learned that doing business in Japan has its own set of rules and rituals—and I was completely unaware of them. For example, I would casually hand out and accept business cards with little regard for the writing on them. A co-worker finally took me aside and, to my horror, explained that I was being perceived as rude and arrogant because I did not follow the Japanese ritual of the “Presentation of the business cards.” My lack of cultural knowledge had caused misperceptions by my Japanese colleagues of my intent

Sometimes working with men can be very much like working in an unknown culture. In fact, it was the reason I wrote The Male Factor,—to help explain how men and women approach work differently. And just like the Japanese business card ritual, if we want better results when communicating with men at work (or anywhere!), we can benefit by better understanding the male “culture.” Let’s look at some variables that differ between the male and female cultures.

Tweet this: “For Women Only, The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, demonstrates that kindness is the answer to almost every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post The Foreign Culture Of A Man’s Mind And How To Navigate It  appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Make Sure Your Man Is One Of The 25%

Ladies, do you love your husband, but find yourself regularly irritated by that little thing that he does? He’s a great guy and all, but Ugh! If he would only stop parking in the mud when he takes the kids to the ball practice. Or fold the laundry instead of just pulling it out of the dryer and leaving it in the laundry basket to get wrinkled. Or that always popular toilet-paper-roll-direction issue. Sound familiar?

We mention those “little” things to him– and don’t realize they aren’t so little.

Consider this seemingly “bigger” scenario: Audrey is away for a weekend with friends, and Joey decides to surprise her. She’s been saying the kitchen cabinets need a fresh coat of paint. So when Audrey returns, Joey is like a big kid, secretly giddy with the surprise as he opens the door to the kitchen. Her beaming smile looks around at all the freshly-painted cabinets. “Wow, this looks wonderful!!! Thank you!!”

Then she sees a little corner spot where the paint has peeled. She walks over and says absently, “Hey honey, did you sand it well? Because, it may start to peel if you didn’t.”

Now, Audrey was probably thinking, Wow – I am so surprised that he did this for me – especially since he’s never painted cabinets before! He is so sweet. Hm, it’s peeling right here… I hope he knew to sand it first, I should check. 

For her, it’s an offhand, minor comment. But guess what her eager husband is hearing? And guess what your man is hearing when you (in his mind, at least) focus on the wrinkled laundry or muddy car rather than the fact that he did the laundry or took the kids to practice?

Of the men that I surveyed for my book, For Women Only, only one out of four felt actively appreciated by his family. Let me repeat that: only 25% of men feel truly appreciated by their wife and kids. As odd as this seems to you, that means your husband may not, either.

Tweet this: “For Women Only, The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, demonstrates that kindness is the answer to almost every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This post was first published at Patheos.

The post Make Sure Your Man Is One Of The 25% appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

The Secret to Living With Purpose Every Day

As a busy analyst, author, and speaker my days are full so it can be easy to lose track of time. As a wife to my husband, Jeff and a mom to our two great kids, I have to protect my precious time and be careful not to let it flash before my eyes. My kids may be teenagers at the moment, but I feel like I’m going to wake up tomorrow and find an empty nest!

Many of you know exactly what I’m talking about. See if this also rings a bell: From the point when my kids were toddlers, I’ve had hundreds of women stop me in the grocery store or at my speaking events (since I often bring the kids with me) and say, “Oh, enjoy every moment of this phase while they are little. It goes so fast.”

It reminds me of something that happened when Jeff and I got married. What a day that was! After months of planning and dreaming and working long hours to get it all ready, the ceremony seemed to pass in a delightful blur and soon we were facing cheers from the crowd and being introduced as husband and wife. A few weeks later, Jeff mentioned seeing a particular couple who hadn’t been able to attend the reception, but made it to the ceremony. I said, “Really? I don’t remember seeing them. But then, it all seemed to go so fast — I don’t remember much about the ceremony itself.”

Jeff smiled sideways. “I remember everything about the ceremony.”

I looked at him, surprised. He continued. “One of my groomsmen told me to enjoy every moment. He said it could either rush by quickly, or be soaked in. So I was purposeful about really enjoying every moment.”

Six years later, when our daughter was born, I started to hear echoes of those words from all the women who told me to enjoy the time because it goes so quickly. I found that every one of those women knew exactly what they were talking about, as I watched my daughter’s babyhood flash by at warp speed. So I figured that following their words of wisdom would be a really good idea. As a result, in these past years I have soaked in every possible bit of delight that God wanted to bring me in my kids. My awareness of every passing day is made all the more poignant by the fact that I’m a working, traveling mom – and because there are times that I can’t bring them with me on the road, I know there are times when I am missing things. It makes me appreciate all the more the times that I have – and my desire to be extremely purposeful about enjoying them, instead of letting the days slip by and wondering “here did the time go?”

I’ve found it is so vital to be purposeful about our lives as moms, as wives (for those who are married), as workers (in whatever we do) and simply as women. Being purposeful and intentional doesn’t mean taking everything super-seriously, or reading every book on the shelf about parenting or marriage. But it does mean that we glean wisdom wherever we can and take every opportunity to grow into the women God created us to be.

Helping people thrive in life and relationships is Shaunti Feldhahn’s driving passion, supported by her research projects and writing. After starting out with a Harvard graduate degree and experience on Wall Street, her life took an unexpected shift into relationship research. She now is a popular speaker around the world and the author of best-selling books about men, women, and relationships. (Including For Men Only, and the groundbreaking Shaunti Feldhahn.

How to Regain His Love and Restore Your Relationship

Dear Shaunti,

My husband and I have been married 5 years and I love him, but we’ve been arguing a lot lately.  We both work a lot and have two children, so we spend a good bit of time apart. I tend to be a control freak and, as my husband says, I panic if something doesn’t go the way I think it should go. My husband is outgoing, can talk to anyone, and everyone calls him for help or advice. Now a woman has been calling him. He says they are just friends but I feel their relationship is closer. I don’t believe he is having an affair but that he feels the need for an escape from me, the kids, work and his life. I’m checking his phone, calling him, asking where he is, who he is with and who he is talking to. He says he loves me and wants to be with me, but he is getting to the point where he can’t handle this any longer. He says if I don’t back off and give him space he is going to leave. I’m driving him away and feel I’m losing my mind. I don’t understand why I’m so insecure. What do you think, and what should I do?

Sincerely,

Losing My Love

Dear Losing,

It always amazes me how easily we push people away by trying to hang onto them. It’s a vicious and maddening cycle, but you can get out of it.

You asked what I think. The primary thing I think is that you need advice and help from a qualified counselor — fast. And I mean help for you, not just your marriage.  To some degree, the insecurity you’re feeling is understandable… but you’re at the point that you may be bringing about the very problems you fear. You need qualified help to work through that insecurity and ask God for wisdom about when there is or isn’t an issue worth being concerned about. And when there isn’t, you need to learn the skill of taking your thoughts captive. As the Bible puts it, a huge part of confronting problems in this broken world means that “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” (You can find that in 2 Corinthians 10:5.)

But I also think you need some perspective. Let me share just a few things I discovered from researching men and women and what makes a great relationship.

First, you’ve got to solve your lack of togetherness. When you have kids, work and crazy schedules, it’s just too easy to lead separate lives, become distant, and find your friendship with each other weakening. And when friendship and closeness wanes, so does trust and indulgence for each other’s foibles. Resentment can grow – and so can the desire to be close with someone, whether that means the kids, the friends at work, or that person who is flirting with you in the other department. So as I detailed in another recent column, it is crucial to spend time together just hanging out and rebuilding your friendship.

Second, in my research, the happiest couples clearly made a deliberate decision to believe the best about each other’s intentions. Do you believe your husband cares for you? If so, it’s time to start acting like it. Your unusual level of control and effort to keep tabs on your man (even though you think he’s not having an affair) is a signal to him (and you) that you believe the worst of him, not the best.  I also wonder if your husband tries to reach out to you and do things for you to show you love, and you reject him because he doesn’t do exactly what you’d like him to do, exactly when you’d like him to do it. You can only be rejected so many times before the effort starts to seem like a waste.  The more you send the message that his best isn’t good enough, the less he’s going to give of himself. The less you trust him, the more you’re going to suspect that his every move is nefarious. The more often you reject him, the less he’s going to stick his neck out for you. It’s a vicious cycle, and you can break it!

Third, there are a few absolutely crucial things about your man’s inner needs that you probably don’t understand, and that you need to learn. Quickly. Perhaps most important, in For Women Only I explain that the “control” you describe is actually far more dangerous for the relationship, emotionally, than just signaling a waste of your husband’s effort. That type of control is essentially telling him that he’s incompetent and inadequate, which are by far a man’s most painful feelings. And escaping those painful feelings in favor of interactions with people who do think he’s adequate (such as all these people that come to him for advice) may be the main impetus behind his desire to “escape.” So focus on creating a home that he would never want to escape! Men light up when they think people admire, appreciate, trust and respect them.  If you want to not only keep your marriage, but make it thrive, he needs to see that you are his biggest admirer.

I’m grateful you wrote in, which shows that you already have the most important factor for success: the will to learn and change. It will require being purposeful and probably breaking years of habits, but I promise: it will be worth it!

Helping people thrive in life and relationships is Shaunti Feldhahn’s driving passion, supported by her research projects and writing. After starting out with a Harvard graduate degree and experience on Wall Street, her life took an unexpected shift into relationship research. She now is a popular speaker around the world and the author of best-selling books about men, women, and relationships. (Including For Men Only, and the groundbreaking Shaunti Feldhahn.

Make Your Husband Happy With the Next-Day Rule

Ladies, imagine that as part of your dream job or volunteer work, you are offered a project that is really exciting, and could also earn you a very welcome financial bonus. You step up to do it. Eager to please your boss, you spend long weeks binge-drinking caramel macchiatos, getting little sleep, and pouring your soul into the work.

Finally, it’s presentation day. You work through the slides and answer the questions like a seasoned pro, and you know you’re nailing it. You’re proud of yourself. As you wrap up, your boss stands up, shakes your hand, and says, “Thanks for that presentation. But it would have been better if you’d done it this way…”

It’s a punch in the gut, right?

Now, imagine that your boss sees your face fall and says, “What’s your problem? I said ‘Thank you!’”

You might be thinking, “Yeah, right. That did not feel like appreciation. In fact, that was the no-thank-you-thank-you.”

What does this have to do with personal relationships? Let’s rewind a few days and think back to the last moment that you felt like your husband (or perhaps your son) didn’t do something the way it should be done.

Perhaps your husband cleared the table and loaded the dishwasher – but not the way you’d do it.  Maybe there were plates facing all different directions, plastic containers on the bottom shelf, and even a cast iron skillet shoved in somewhere. (Can you say r-u-s-t?) But here’s the thing: In your man’s mind, he had stepped up to do something.  He was trying to please you. As I’ve covered elsewhere, men have more emotional vulnerability than you would ever realize, about whether they measure up in what they try to do for their wives. So your man might even have been waiting for a big smile; something to tell him that you appreciated him. Instead, he hears you chuckle and say, “Oh my gosh, look at these dishes all over the place!” as you undo his work and redo it the “right” way.

Tweet this: “When you’re in a conflict, consider: in the grand scheme of things, will this situation matter tomorrow?“

Ask yourself: does it really matter that your husband loads the dishwasher differently than you? Will the dishes still get cleaned? Maybe you do need to rescue that cast-iron skillet (more on that in a moment), but otherwise let him have his triumph when he’s done the dishes and is feeling pleased with himself.  Because regularly correcting him will trigger his secret feeling that he doesn’t measure up.  And since that is his most painful feeling, he may just shut down and stop trying. (See this article for more information on that pattern.)

And really, is your way always “right” and his way “wrong?” Or is it just different?  It’s not worth risking your relationship with your husband over something that’s really just a matter of opinion.

Tweet this: “For Women Only, The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, demonstrates that kindness is the answer to almost every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

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Guys, She Cares About This One Thing More Than Money

Many guys that I know often feel like they are caught between a rock and a hard place. They are busting their tails at work, feeling the stress and sometimes putting in long hours so that they can provide for their families – provide a lifestyle that they think their wives need and want.  Yet, all too often they feel their wife doesn’t understand this pressure, especially when they hear those dreaded words, “Can’t you just tell your boss that you need to work fewer hours?”

What’s a guy to do?

We’ve all heard that women need and desire security. So how come when men are trying their best to provide that security—even sticking with a job that they may not care for or that carries tons of stress—that they still feel like they’re not able to get it quite right for their wives?

When we started the research for For Men Only, to help men understand women, we tried to figure out where the disconnect might be. I suggested that we do a chapter on this issue of security, but Jeff was puzzled. He said every guy knows that women need security.  The book was only going to be about the surprises that guys tend not to get about women, and he didn’t think a woman’s need for security was a surprise.

But then I asked Jeff what he thought women meant by security…

Jeff said that he thought that it means women want to be sure that they’ll be provided for… to know that the mortgage is going to be paid, that there will be food on the table, and that there is a little money put away for retirement.

I was like, “You mean… financial security?”

Jeff responded, “Right, what else is there?”

At that point, I told Jeff that financial security was important, but it wasn’t nearly as important to most women as emotional security – for example, knowing that the relationship will always be close, and their husband will always be there for them.  That is so much more important to women than all those things that so many guys are working so hard to provide.

Tweet this: “For Women Only, The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, demonstrates that kindness is the answer to almost every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

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