Shaunti Feldhahn's Blog, page 46

3 Things I Love Most About My Readers

Normally around Valentine’s Day, I encourage you to tell your special someone why you love them. Today, I want to share examples of why I love YOU, my readers.

And just so you know: there’s a reason I’m doing this, beyond just a way to say thank you!

As I’ve done the various research studies, I’ve seen that ALL of us need encouragement to keep doing the routine, good things that make relationships better. That make life better. We usually get feedback on the big things. But here are three little things about you that you may not even realize make a big difference. Keep doing them!

What I Love #1: You read to improve yourself — not the other person.

I can’t tell you how big a deal this is. Most of my fellow relationship authors are constantly inundated by emails asking, essentially, “How can I fix my spouse?”

It is so understandable, so tempting for all of us to focus on, “How can I get my wife to stop doing this?” “How can I convince my husband to handle the kids that way?” “What can I do to change my mother-in-law’s criticism on such-and-such?”

It is so tempting. And yet absolutely futile. By contrast, most of you embrace the truth that the only person you can change is you. You read to understand what you can do. You fight the natural tendency to focus on the faults of the other person and focus on your own actions.

My other author friends are wondering if I can I lend you out to them!

What I Love #2: You’re teachable.

This is something we have too little of these days, and without it, any attempt at improving ourselves comes to a screeching halt.

It is one thing to focus on ourselves rather than someone else. It is another step entirely to be willing to see and address our mistakes. To be willing to look at what we simply don’t do well, and learn. To hear “You may not have intended it, but you really messed up in this way.  Here’s how you hurt your spouse’s feelings. But if you do this, it will help.”

You all are willing to hear that, and hear it consistently. I know it might sound so odd, but I’m proud of you. In a culture that has a difficult time saying “I’m sorry,” or “I messed up,” your willingness to do so is a model for many others.

What I love #3: You don’t just listen – you DO. And keep doing.

Finally, you don’t just look at yourself, your mistakes, and what you can do differently—you actually do it. Even when it is difficult, you do it. You stick with it. You go back, look at what worked and what didn’t, and try again.

That takes courage—especially when you don’t see quick responses from the other person. Although I hope that as you keep going you do see those responses, in most cases!

Over the years, people have asked “How can you keep doing all these research projects? They take so much time… so much money … so much emotional effort. Why don’t you just stick with the research you’ve already done? Why do you keep going?”

My answer is simple: all of you. As you know, I’m not a therapist or a counselor – I’m an average semi-confused spouse and parent, just like you. I am inspired by how YOU respond, and it makes me want to learn and grow even more. To study the things we don’t “get” and pass them along.

This Valentine’s Day, thanks for making me want to do that.

Looking for encouragement for your marriage? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post 3 Things I Love Most About My Readers appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

3 Things Every Boy Needs to Hear from His Mom

Can anyone relate to that feeling of whiplash when you realize your little boy has suddenly become a teenager? How did that happen? When did “snips and snails and puppy-dogs’ tails” turn into “phones and midterms and social outings with friends?” It seems as if our little boys are growing and maturing at alarming rates. But the truth is—they still need their moms (cue the collective “awwww!”). In more than a decade of research with thousands of men and boys over the years, one thing has stood out: the power of a mom’s words can build up her son or (accidentally) tear him down. Whether your son is five or fifteen, several phrases are a big, big deal.

Here are 3 things every boy needs to hear from his mom:

#1: I’m So Proud of You. 

All males are powerfully moved by hearing these words, but perhaps none more so than the young, testosterone-laden boys who may at times act first, think later, and thus are more used to hearing (as they are stitched up in the Emergency Room) “What were you thinking?” If you make a point of finding and saying those things worth praising whenever they happen (like when they try out for a sports team, audition for a play or plow their way through a tough paper for Lit class), it tells a young man that this is truly who he is—not that buffoon who occasionally gets dinged for doing something dumb.

#2: Sure, You Can Try It!

I hesitate to put this phrase so soon after the act-first-think-later-then-require-stitches example used above, but this truly is powerful in a young man’s life—especially when he hears it from “Cautious Mom” rather than “Adventure Dad.” Dads (having been young men themselves) know how vital it is that a boy try to do something on his own. Yes, he might try and fail (see Emergency Room example above), but he might do OK. Better yet, he might actually shine! It is hard for us to let our boy take this risk—no matter how big and husky (these are our babies!)—it is essential for his confidence for the future that he be able to try and try again.

#3: It Was Just a Mistake. You’ll Do Better Next Time.

We women sometimes think that we have to make a point of holding up a mistake so our son recognizes that he failed and doesn’t do something that way again. (“See what happens when you don’t study long enough?” “You forgot your equipment for practice again? That’s why you kept getting benched last year.”) But the research with men and boys is clear: your son does recognize he failed at something. For a guy, a mistake or a way he didn’t succeed at what he tried to do, is a huge, huge deal. It looms large in a boy’s mind, condemning him oh, every five minutes or so. Your son needs to hear you say you believe in him and you know he’ll do it right next time. “I know you’ll be studying hard this next few weeks before exams and you’ll do great.” And if you say it, it builds him up to believe he can do it.

A boy will never be perfect at what he does. After all, we aren’t either, right? But approaching his actions in these I-believe-in-you ways makes it far more likely that he actually will do it right over time. In other words: by your words of affirmation, you are helping your son to actually become that great young man you know he can be.

Looking for encouragement for your marriage? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post 3 Things Every Boy Needs to Hear from His Mom appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

2 Steps You Must Take to Improve Your Struggling Marriage

Lynn and her husband, Dan, have been married for 20 years and their youngest son is leaving for college in the fall. Over the years, between busy careers and kids’ extracurricular activities, Lynn and Dan just kind of . . . drifted. But not drifting in a pleasant, easy-breezy way; they’re basically living separate lives far apart from each other—just under the same roof. The truth of the matter is that Lynn and Dan feel anything but easy-breezy in their relationship. She feels hurt, lonely and flat-out uncared for in her marriage. Dan feels disrespected, distant and disengaged.

Does this feel familiar? If you and your spouse are struggling—is there any hope for improving your marriage? One very important thing to remember is this: it’s not hopeless. If you’re like Lynn and Dan, most likely you still care about your spouse. And where there’s hope—where even one spouse wants a change—there can be change.

Here are 2 important steps you must take if you want to improve your struggling marriage:

Step #1: Make Time to Hang Out 

Here’s the thing about avoiding your spouse: the more you do it, the easier it gets, and the harder it is to reconnect. Picture what happens when you’re in, say, a really fantastic small group from church, with really tight friends . . . and then one of the friends moves away. You can stay in touch and try to stay “as close as ever,” but it usually doesn’t work out that way. You’re still friends, but you don’t share the closeness you used to. Life—and distance—gets in the way. The same thing happens to a husband and wife who aren’t up-close and personal anymore.

It’s time to start making time to be with your spouse. One counselor I know suggests literally just making time for thirty minutes of hanging out and talking each day, with no arguing allowed. She says, “You can start fighting again thirty minutes later if you want but for that time simply don’t deal with the conflict stuff. Just be friends again.” Build your friendship and the feelings of closeness will follow.

In my research for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, I discovered something about what makes happy couples tick: 90% of the happy couples I surveyed said they spent quite a bit of time together. Hanging out (even if it means via email or text sometimes!) is one of those simple little things that fosters closeness and without which, closeness just doesn’t happen. The happiest couples don’t necessarily do extravagant date nights, they simply go shopping together, go for walks together, or even just sit and have coffee in the mornings before work while reading the newspaper and maybe mentioning here and there the things they’re reading. On the flip side of that, only 35% of the struggling couples I talked to said they hung out at least twice a week.

Step #2: Decide It’s Time To Hang Up the Hurt

But there’s a second truth to confront as well: dealing with your hurt in a healthy way is essential. You don’t deserve to feel hurt and disrespected and “building your friendship” might sound good in theory—but it is hard to be friends with someone who you feel doesn’t care about you.

So this is where you need to enlist help. From both a qualified counselor and positive, encouraging friends who will support not just you but your marriage. You need help and guidance because you’re confused. Because you don’t know the next steps. And because if you’re feeling hurt, it is highly likely your spouse is too. The stuff that hurts you looms large, and needs to be addressed—but have you thought through what looms large for them? Maybe you shutting down has hurt them deeply. Statistically, most husbands and wives intensely care about their spouse. They just don’t always know how to show it correctly. And because we’re all imperfect people, that most likely applies to your relationship as well.

All of which is why you need help. Sure, your spouse should be willing to go to counseling—but even if they won’t right now, you can. It is absolutely critical that you go to a counselor who is not only licensed and experienced, but one that is committed to helping to restore your marriage. And you need someone capable of guiding you through this, who can help you to see the best in each other again. (One way of doing that is called the 30-Day Kindness Challenge.)

It would be such a tragedy if two people like Lynn and Dan, who did care about each other, fell apart simply because both had been trying hard in the wrong areas and didn’t realize it or were hurting each other without really intending to. Both would be feeling hopeless. But there is hope. It will take work to restore your marriage, and you will need help doing it, but as you get to know your spouse all over again, you’ll realize that you can reconnect and you’ll see that it is well worth the effort.

Looking for encouragement for your marriage? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post 2 Steps You Must Take to Improve Your Struggling Marriage appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

2 Reasons Why Your Man Hates Conflict

A friend told me recently that her husband always seems to run from any conflict in their marriage. Not literal running, mind you, but when things get intense—especially if she starts crying—he’s heading out the door while all she wants is resolution. She wants him to stay; he needs space and leaves. She feels hurt; he’s done with the conversation. My friend asked me how she can move forward with him when this happens. He’s a great guy but running away when he’s mad seems so unhealthy. And not to mention rude.

In my research for For Women Only, I learned a lot about how men are wired to relate emotionally in relationships. And the way they’re wired is very legitimate; it is often just different from the way we are wired.

But before I jump into this, let me say first: If any man wants to love his wife or his girlfriend well, he should not just walk away from an emotional conversation without notice. Turning and walking away? That is rude. And leaving your wife or girlfriend hanging, and in distress, wondering, “Are we okay?” That is hurtful. But we women sometimes feel like the only reason they walk away is that they are angry with us and simply don’t want to talk because of that.

We couldn’t be more wrong.

Here are 2 main reasons why men walk away from emotional conflict:

Reason #1: His Brain Needs Time 

Based on the men surveyed, roughly half of the men essentially said they need time for their brain to process what just happened, what they think about it and how they can respond well. One young man said it well: “In the heat of the moment, I can’t even think straight. My fiancé can win any argument, and can tie me in knots. She runs circles around me with her words, all while I’m trying to figure out what I think. The only way I can think is to get away. If she’ll just let me be for a while I can figure it out and come back and explain. But whenever she insists on talking it out right then, it is usually her talking and me hardly listening because I don’t know what I think yet.”

That type of comment was very common among the men I interviewed. Because the male brain is specifically wired that way. As women, because our brains are wired with certain types of connections, we can process a high degree of emotion and still think clearly. In fact the female brain actually does better at thinking through emotional topics by talking them through. But as my husband, Jeff, puts it, “For most men, emotion furs up the gears.” There are always exceptions, but the male brain usually needs to disengage from an emotional conversation in order to think something through deeply, clearly and productively.

In other words, although there’s certainly a chance that my friend’s husband may indeed be trying to “run” or “escape” in an unhealthy way, since she described him as a great guy I think it is far more likely that he’s just… a guy. With a male brain that is working the way a male brain is designed to work.

Reason #2: He Is Trying To Protect You and the Relationship

Seventy one percent of men in the For Women Only surveys (which were nationally representative) said that the primary reason they walk away from emotional conversations is this: “Because I don’t want to say something in the heat of the moment that I’ll regret later.” A man usually cares for the woman in his life and doesn’t want to hurt her. He is worried that when emotion “furs up the gears,” that he’ll say something that will hurt her. So he makes his escape. Not because he doesn’t care . . . but because he does.

Sure, not every guy will have these altruistic motives. I’m sure there are men who are just grumpy and uncaring. Men who don’t like being challenged. Or are pathological conflict avoiders who damage their relationship because they constantly pull away… and never fully come back once they have processed things through. We can hope that men will put some effort into how they pull away, so that they don’t make their partner’s concern worse. But if we are honoring their wiring – in the same way we want them to honor ours – it is important to avoid ascribing bad motives to their actions without other cause.

The truth is most men do care. And if we start from that assumption, it will be far easier for him to hear and understand when we explain how insecure his withdrawal makes us feel and the benefit of giving us his reassurance (“We’ll be okay”) before he gets the space he needs.

Want to know how to be kind, when you really don’t want to be? Looking for encouragement for your marriage or parenting struggles? Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average, clueless people like her, she now is a popular speaker and auhjn ,liuetvg6e5trvf7ybgfnbvvnc yjtg thor of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

The post 2 Reasons Why Your Man Hates Conflict appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

3 Reasons Your Wife Won’t Tell You Exactly What She Wants

Not long ago, someone we know got engaged via a multi-stage, elaborate proposal that had clearly taken an immense amount of thought and effort. A mutual friend, upon hearing the story, told him, “Good job. Only 9,999,999 tests left to go.” The lucky groom, of course, wondered: why do women “test” and “play games” with their men at all? He said, “She wouldn’t just tell me she wanted me to come up with something big like that. She said, ‘Whatever you want’ but I suspected that she didn’t really mean it. I wish she would have just told me. But at least I got it right this time.”

Guys, there are 3 key reasons your wife wants you to figure out what she wants, rather than just telling you. (These aren’t my opinion, but are the results of years of research and nationally representative surveys of women for For Men Only.) I know these may seem absolutely crazy, but once you realize the truth of these factors – and learn to see and respond to them – you’ve truly cracked the code. Those things that probably most confuse you about women won’t confuse you anymore.

So read closely – and if you don’t think these three reasons could possibly be true, ask your wife!

Reason #1: If you make the effort to figure it out, it means she’s worth the effort.

You know how you look confident, but on the inside you privately worry whether you measure up?  Well, your wife has a different private worry: somewhere deep inside, every day, she wonders whether she is worth loving. Whether she matters. Whether she is lovable.

That question never goes away (just like you probably never get to a point that you feel as confident as you look). So each day, she’s looking for your signals as to the answer to that question.  When you say “I love you” it signals that she is lovable. It reassures her that she must be worth loving, when you, this amazing man, make an effort to think through and understand why she might be upset rather than making her simply tell you. For example, it reassures her that she’s special, when you study her enough to know that she is completely frazzled and that it would mean a lot if you offered to take the kids so she can rest – without her having to tell you that.

Reason #2: If you figure it out and do something about it, it shows that you care.

You think it is the action that matters – which is why you wish she would just tell you what action she wants. Do you want me to take the kids to the park so you can rest? Do you want me to take you out to a quiet dinner for your birthday, or have a get-together with friends? While you’re upset with me right now, do you want me to apologize or leave you alone?

In the midst of those conundrums you’re probably thinking, “Just tell me what to do, and I’ll do it!” But always remember that the “doing” isn’t always the most crucial thing. What matters to her is the fact that you made the effort to figure out what matters to her.  It shows she is worth that effort (see Reason #1) and – even more important – it shows that you care enough about her to make that effort for her.

Reason #3: If she has to tell you, she’ll never know whether you did it because you wanted to, or simply because she told you to.

Guys, we women don’t realize that you want to do those things that will make us happy. In other words, because of that secret “am I loveable” insecurity, we subconsciously may not believe that you want to “do” things for us because you care about us.

So when we tell you what we want you to do, and you do it, we honestly, truly don’t know whether you are doing it because you really wanted to – or just because you are putting up with us and doing it because we asked you to.

So men, here’s the bottom line: practice studying your wife. Don’t roll your eyes whenever you see what feels like a test. (As you can imagine, that makes her self-doubt worse!) Instead, use it as an opportunity to show her that she is someone who is loveable – and loved. And if you build up that certainty in her, you’ll see those tests a lot less often.

Want to know how to be kind, when you really don’t want to be? Looking for encouragement for your marriage or parenting struggles? Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average, clueless people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post 3 Reasons Your Wife Won’t Tell You Exactly What She Wants appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

The Desire Husbands Don’t Like to Discuss

One of the most controversial topics I address with women is one of the clearest findings from my anonymous nationally-representative surveys of men for books like For Women Only. Ready to hear it?

In your man’s mind, if you put an effort into taking care of yourself, it shows that you care for him – and if you don’t, he feels that you don’t care for him.

Yes, I’m going to go there.

Over the years, multiple women have confronted me about publishing this finding, furious that I would “defend such archaic demands” or “promote misogyny” or “body-shame” women. As if it wasn’t hard for me to hear this from the men, too!! I’ve struggled to stay at a healthy weight my whole adult life. When we hear that men think this way, it is easy to get defensive, because it conjures up the offensive stereotype of a “yes, dear” 1950’s housewife greeting her husband at the door in a dress and heels. Or we think it means that men only want a nice collection of body parts, and not the brain and heart inside. Or more likely, secretly, we’re most upset because we assume that if we’re not a Cosmo model, we’re not enough for our man …and we beat ourselves up about that already, thank you very much.

But I’ve discovered that none of those offensive ideas are in a man’s heart when he shares this very private but very real desire.

Here, instead, IS what is in your man’s heart in this area – even if he’ll never say so out loud.

Men feel loved when they see their wives taking care of themselves

Men feel loved when they see their wives taking care of themselves.
Click To Tweet

For fear of being misunderstood or hurting their wives’ feelings, men are largely silent about this. And that’s probably unfortunate, because it turns out this is exceptionally important to them, emotionally. Here’s the bottom line: When he sees you making an attempt to take care of yourself, he feels loved by you. To the men in my research, that means that unless you have a physical reason why this isn’t possible (which does happen sometimes), that you generally try to stay healthy and active and able to go do things together, you try to be a healthy weight (whatever is healthy for you), you care how you look around the house at times (not just out in public), and you don’t do self-destructive things.  Nothing crazy – just basic self-care.

Why does this matter so much to men? The research isn’t clear. My educated guess, based on the research so far, is that it has something to do with a) the fact that romance for a guy means going out and doing things together (which requires you to have the energy and ability to do that, to some degree) and, most important, b) how highly visual men are. (The visual nature of men is a whole other topic, but if you’re curious what I mean by that, you can see more in this little book I wrote to help women understand their husbands and sons.)

Although there are always exceptions, the bottom line is that a man’s brain wiring processes the world visually and emotionally in the same way a woman’s brain process the world verbally and emotionally.  Where you as a woman probably want to talk about life, his emotions, sense of desire, and sense of connectedness to his wife are strongly tied to what he sees.   

A man loves his wife, regardless! But if he sees her not making an effort to take care of herself, he instinctively feels that she simply doesn’t care about him.  After all, he subconsciously feels, someone with a visual brain should instinctively understand this.  But because her brain (in most cases) is not wired with that visual-emotional connection, she doesn’t understand it. But he doesn’t realize that. So in his mind, if she doesn’t seem to want to make that effort, he ends with the feeling like she really doesn’t care about him in an area that “she should know” is incredibly important to him.

Men do not have unrealistic expectations for our bodies (really!)

Here’s the good news that we woman have to be willing to hear and believe: When our husbands say they love it when we make the effort to take care of ourselves, they do not have unrealistic expectations.  They don’t expect us to look like we did 20 years and three kids ago.  They don’t expect us to look like the Cosmo model.  They don’t expect (or want!) us to go on crazy fad diets.  They don’t want us to feel bad about ourselves.  And they definitely don’t want us to have unrealistic expectations about what they expect.

We have to be willing to hear what our man is and isn’t saying. When a man says he cares about, ‘the effort to take care of yourself’ he means exactly that: the effort. There is no expectation of some end result that he’s secretly hoping for. It is your awareness and effort that matters. Because to him, that says “I care.”

I tested this on the survey for For Women Only, on which the men were anonymous and very, very honest. And 83% of men said that they did not secretly have some visual standard – like how their wives looked when they first met. Each man said he truly just would love for his wife to make the effort to take care of herself for him as she was today.

There really is a tender heart behind this entire notion. Your man is saying simply, “please try and do it for me.” He is touched by seeing your effort on his behalf.

He hopes you won’t be cynical (or, worse, punish him for this desire)

It’s easy to be skeptical that the effort is really what matters to your husband. It’s even easier to cynically think, he’s just saying that….but what he really wants is the cute young thing on the magazine cover. But you have to put aside your cynicism and be willing to believe that most men are men of goodwill who deeply love their wives.

Put aside your cynicism and be willing to believe that most men are men of goodwill who deeply love their wives.
Click To Tweet

The truth is that he would take you over the magazine model any day. Why? When I ask guys that question they look at me like I’m crazy. Like, “What do you mean, ‘why?!’ Because I love my wife!!”

It’s you that he loves already! He is not saying for you to become someone you’re not. He does not want to trade you in on a younger model and he doesn’t expect you to remain physically unchanged as you age.

There’s a give and take in marriage, right?  There is a need to know what truly matters to your spouse on the inside, even if they will never talk about it on the outside. Don’t force your man to say this out loud (it is almost certain that he will not want to talk about it).  And certainly, don’t make him think you are dismissing something that matters to him by assuming it is something it’s not (misogyny, a selfish demand, unrealistic expectations, etc.).  Instead, just be willing to be consider what you can continue to do as a lifestyle of self-care that should matter to all of us anyway.

It matters to him in the same way his effort (perhaps in other areas) matters to you!

Think about it from another perspective—what makes you feel loved?

Does it matter if your husband makes an effort to do something that makes you feel loved, even if the results aren’t ultra-elaborate and huge? For example, when he plans a special date night for you out of the blue, isn’t that what matters, rather than the amount of money he spends? More than the “results,” the fact that he made an effort says “I care about you.” Even better, doesn’t it mean even more when you know that what he is doing is difficult or doesn’t come naturally?

It’s the same thing here. Just like we women have things that are important to us, men have things that are important to them. (Maybe you get this right away, because you want him to take care of himself for you, too!) And taking care of ourselves for him is just another way to show the most important man in our life that we care about him. Listen to his words and hear what his heart is saying. “I love you. I want you. I desire you. Stay healthy so you will be with me for the long term.” 

Want to know how to be kind, when you really don’t want to be? Looking for encouragement for your marriage or parenting struggles? Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average, clueless people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post The Desire Husbands Don’t Like to Discuss appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

That big college moment, my daughter, and engineering

One week ago, on Saturday January 12, our whole family was sitting around our kitchen table, waiting for 11:59 am to tick over to 12 noon. Waiting for our 17-year-old daughter, Morgen, to make that fateful click onto the admissions portal of the university she has been dreaming of since she was 11 years old.

We were all quivering, nervous. Morgen could hardly hold her hands steady over the keyboard.  She cared so much about the outcome. Jeff was praying for her, in fragments, finding it hard to concentrate. Even her younger brother, just in 8th grade and hardly a high-strung person, was tense. We all knew how hard she had worked for this moment.

And in that moment, in a flash, I had to wonder: what is it that builds drive into a person? Why is it that one child has a laid-back approach to academics, and another gets a laser focus and never quits? Regardless of family of origin, personality, and opportunity, why is it that some kids see a vision ahead and pursue it so strongly? There are plenty of smart kids out there who are perfectly fine with an approach to life that says, “I’m fine with B’s; I don’t want that level of academic stress; I want to be able to be a kid and enjoy life; I’ll still work hard and get into a decent college, and it will work out fine.” That is a perfectly legitimate approach, especially in an era that often doesn’t let kids be kids. That was more my approach; I was okay with some B’s as long as I could be in every musical and every choir and every performing-arts opportunity offered at my school.

And then there are other kids, like my daughter. When she was 11 years old, starting middle school and trying to decide what her elective should be, she asked the boys in her class, “What is this STEM class thing?” they said, “It’s engineering and math and building things and stuff. But it’s only for boys. Girls take the Choir elective.” Morgen said, “Oh yeah?” and became the first girl in her school to take STEM. The school was delighted, since the only thing discouraging girls from taking STEM was the fact that no other girls were doing so! She broke the ground for dozens of girls to follow.

She decided then: I want to go to Georgia Tech and be an engineer.

She joined a champion robotics team in 8th grade – again, the only girl.  And was so discouraged that the boys on the team didn’t instantly offer to let her be one of the main people who drove the robot.  (They were only 13, after all.)  She wanted to quit STEM opportunities entirely. But months after the season ended, on reflection, she decided to listen to her team’s “robotics mom” (a woman used to being in a male-dominated field professionally), who said “Morgen, you have to step up and assume that you have a seat at the table. No one is thinking about you—they are thinking about themselves. But they aren’t trying to keep you out. It’s up to you to decide if you want to step up to the table and take your place.”

Morgen was extremely shy. But she told me: “If I want to be an engineer, I’ll always be one of the only girls. So I guess I have to learn how to do this now.”

We told her: our income isn’t high, but we will scrimp and save and borrow to send you to a private high school that has an outstanding STEM program, because that will probably give you the best opportunity of getting into Georgia Tech (which is by far the most competitive university in the state, and the #4 engineering program in the country). We said: we will do that, on the condition that you take this opportunity seriously.

And she did. After long volleyball games, she would study until midnight and wake up at 3:30 am to finish her homework.  After getting a bad grade, she would calculate exactly what she needed to do to make it up, and do it. Yes, she has the teenage tendency to procrastinate with Netflix, and there were plenty of occasions where she didn’t do her best because of it.  But she always had her eye on the prize, and made it up. She is graduating as a straight-A’s STEM scholar at her school.

But as we sat there last Saturday, we knew that MANY excellent students don’t get into Georgia Tech. Last year one of her school friends, a STEM scholar with a 4.0, 35 ACT, Varsity athlete and Eagle Scout didn’t get in.

So there we were, at 11:59 am on January 12, waiting for the moment she had sacrificed so much for – which we had ALL sacrificed for – for seven years.

Here’s what happened next:

Thank you so much @GeorgiaTech @gtadmission for accepting me! I guess you could say I was a little excited

When Your Man Gets Upset About Money

Have you ever seen your normally laid-back husband suddenly become uptight and just a little crazy when you come home with a trunk full of grocery bags? I mean, he needs to eat too, right? Where does he think his favorite chips come from? The budget is balanced, the bills are paid, there’s money in savings, and yet he gets tense when you take money allocated to groceries and …go buy groceries.

Or maybe it’s a pile of shopping bags from the mall.  Or the consignment store down the street. Maybe he’s even more of the spender in your family– and yet your purchases still seem to bother him!

Before you lose it, whack him with that bag of groceries, and accuse him of being unfair (Or judgmental. Or controlling.) take a moment to understand a secret pressure that is there inside. Here are four secrets about why he responds the way he does – and what you can do about it.

Secret #1: The shopping bags aren’t the issue – the pressure to provide IS 

Believe it or not, under that sensitivity to spending isn’t the heart of a control freak. Most likely, those shopping bags feel like psychological lead weights … because your man feels immense pressure to provide for you, the kids, the household.  And every dollar spent is a dollar he feels he has to make up somehow. Is that a fair feeling? Maybe not. Is it likely? Very.

Your man feels immense pressure to provide for you, the kids, and the household.
Click To Tweet

The truth: your husband would likely feel the pressure to provide even if you spent hardly anything.  In my surveys for For Women Only the vast majority of men said the responsibility to provide for their family was constantly pressing on them; they were never free of it. Even when expenses were low, and even when a wife made enough money to support the family all by herself, 78% of men said they still felt this constant compulsion to provide.

In my surveys, the vast majority of men said the responsibility to provide for their family was constantly pressing on them; they were never free of it.
Click To Tweet

Secret #2: Underneath the “Control” is . . . FEAR

If your man isn’t controlling in any other area but has those sorts of tense reactions to a huge pile of groceries or a set of shopping bags from the mall, his reaction probably isn’t about control but about fear: a deep and visceral fear that he won’t be able to keep up. It’s a fear that he will not measure up, not be good enough, and ultimately not be worthy of you.

There is probably far more insecurity wrapped up in your man’s compulsion to provide than you realize. In your man’s mind, providing is one of the key areas where he experiences the ongoing risk of failure. Most men are constantly, subconsciously, evaluating their current and future earnings prospects. There’s a deep-seated need to provide “enough” to support the family and make their wife and kids happy – and yet a deep-seated doubt that they are up to the job.

Most men are constantly, subconsciously, evaluating their current and future earnings prospects.
Click To Tweet

To you, all that fear may not seem logical. You have money in the bank, you’re sticking to your budget, the bills are paid — but the fear, to him, is real.  And is common to the vast majority of men.

Secret #3: He may not realize that money is not the only thing that matters to you

I know this sounds very weird, but bear with me. Deep in a man’s heart, there’s something that believes you primarily love him for what he can provide for you. As if being a great husband, great father, great listener, humorous story-teller, godly leader… none of that will matter to you if he doesn’t make enough money to provide the big house, the two-car garage, and the weekends at the lake.

Deep in a man’s heart, there’s something that believes you primarily love him for what he can provide for you.
Click To Tweet

In a man’s mind, “providing” means one thing: providing financially. Period. And for him, those hours of sweat and worry are a key way he feels he can say “I love you” to you and the other members of your household. To bring home the bacon, as they say, makes your husband feel worthy of you. So he sees you walking in the door with shopping bags as both an affirmation that he’s loving you well – and as confirmation that yep, this is what matters to her. He thinks, Okay, good to know: I have to keep the money churning along. So he takes more shifts at work, or stays more hours on the road, in order to do so.

In a man’s mind, “providing” means one thing: providing financially. Period.
Click To Tweet

Yet those extra hours often mean time away right when you most want him involved in the life of the family. What men often don’t realize (but we prove to them in the survey data of women from For Men Only) is that time, closeness, playing with the kids or being there to do the dishes usually matters just as much to women as all those extra things a man is working to provide financially. Guys have a hard time believing that we women mean it, but it is liberating once they grasp that we truly want them more than what they can provide. Which leads to our final secret.

Secret #4: If you share with him how you feel… he can be reassured. 

The most important thing you can do for the provider in your husband is to show him, day in and day out, that you appreciate all he does — whether that is providing income or providing closeness as a family — and that you want him more than all the stuff he is working so hard to provide.  Talk to him and ask about the pressures he feels.  Ask what you can do to make the pressure better.  Tell him what matters most to you.  And once he sees that you mean what you are saying — that you are totally willing to forgo the expensive vacation this year if he can work fewer evening shifts — he’ll start to believe that maybe, just maybe, you really mean it.

The most important thing you can do for the provider in your husband is to show him, day in and day out, that you appreciate all he does.
Click To Tweet

You won’t know how he feels — or be able to share how you feel — until you sit down and talk about it. Most likely, hiding beneath the behavior that is driving you nuts is a man who wants desperately to provide a good life for you, and to love you well.

Want to know how to be kind, when you really don’t want to be? Looking for encouragement for your marriage or parenting struggles? Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average, clueless people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post When Your Man Gets Upset About Money appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

When Your Husband Wants Sex…Again

Wives, does your husband want sex…again? It’s not just a physical need — it’s also about emotions. Here are three things he’s not saying out loud when he comes to you for sex:

1. “I need to feel desirable.”  We women may think sex is just a physical need for a guy, but that’s not most of what is going on. When his wife responds to him – or initiates it herself! – it meets a deep emotional need to feel that his wife desires him.

2. “I love you and want to be closer to you.”  We women want to feel close outside the bedroom in order to feel close inside the bedroom. But for many men, when they feel tension in the air, when there’s distance, when they know something’s just not right… they miss their wife. For a man’s biological chemistry, in fact, sex is one of the only times that his brain releases oxytocin, the bonding hormone, which brings a great feeling of closeness with someone.  When he reaches for you, you may think, I cannot believe he would want sex now, when we’re at odds/fighting/distant. But instead, realize: he’s reaching for you in order to get back that feeling of closeness with you that he is longing for.

3. “I’m really vulnerable right now.”  Because sex is more of an emotional need than a physical one for him, many men in my research told me there is no time more insecure, scary and vulnerable than when they approach their wives in that way. They are essentially laying their “desirability” and their heart out in front of you and asking, “what do you think of me?”  Without realizing it, when we are tired or just not in the mood, it is easy to brush him off in a way that cuts that vulnerable heart deeply. Now, just to be clear, this doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t have a say in the matter! Of course, there will be times we simply aren’t able to respond. But when that happens, it is even more critical that we show him how much we care, how much we love him, and (with a saucy wink) that we need to make a date for another night!

Want to know how to be kind, when you really don’t want to be? Looking for encouragement for your marriage or parenting struggles? Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average, clueless people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post When Your Husband Wants Sex…Again appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Best of 2017: Relationships, Marriage, and the Topic Everyone Asks About

As one final look back at 2017 (for those of us who can’t believe it’s already 2018), here is a recap of the top articles from my blog last year. This is the ranking for overall views, so one of them (#2) was actually first published in 2015 … but I’m sure you can guess why it remains a hot topic!

Without further ado, check out the list.

1. Make Your Husband Happy with the Next Day Rule

2. How Often Do Men Need to Have Sex?

3. Sex and Men’s True Hidden Desire

4. 4 Secrets in Your Man’s Heart That You Need to Know

5. What You Need to do Before You Have Sex With Your Wife

6. What Do Men Think About #MeToo: The Top 6 Reactions

7. 4 Powerful Ways to Help Your Husband Feel Amazing

8. 3 Surprising Reasons to Initiate Sex With Your Man

9. What Not to Say to Your Man — Ever

10. Big Fight? What Every Husband Needs to Know

Want to know how to be kind, when you really don’t want to be? Looking for encouragement for your marriage or parenting struggles? Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average, clueless people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

The post Best of 2017: Relationships, Marriage, and the Topic Everyone Asks About appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.