Shaunti Feldhahn's Blog, page 45

Big Announcement from Shaunti: Pre-order Her New Book!

Friends,

I have something exciting to share! I’ve been working on a very personal project unlike anything I’ve done before, and it’s about to make its way into the world on March 26. Drum roll please…

I’m releasing a new devotional book for women: Find Rest: A Women’s Devotional for Lasting Peace in a Busy Life! Because it’s true . . . Jesus promises us we can indeed find the rest that all of us busy women need today! This new book is a 60-day devotional designed as a biblical journey to move us past our stress, worry, and anxiety to find true rest – even in the middle of a very busy life! Many books tell us to “slow way down,” “take time off,” and so on – which is a great solution for a short time but not realistic for a lifetime.

So let this sink in: Jesus promises us rest while we are busy! Seriously, take a look at Matthew 11:28-30. (“Take my yoke upon you . . . and you will find rest for your souls.”) A yoke is fastened onto a horse or oxen so they can plow the field in the heat of the day! Jesus doesn’t say “Take off the yoke and head back to the barn” to find rest. No, the promise is that we can find rest for our souls – we can feel that sense of peace, and rightness, and a light burden – while we are in the middle of our normal lives.

And since this is a completely new type of book for me, can I shamelessly ask for your help? If you’re interested (and think others will be interested) can you go online to Amazon and buy the book NOW (for yourself or for the busy women in your life) before it even releases? In the book world today, pre-sales send a clear message just like first-weekend box-office ticket sales for movies. If Amazon sees strong interest they (and other booksellers) will order a LOT more copies, push it more, and create a great cycle. And I want to THANK YOU in some tangible ways for helping me by ordering the book BEFORE it releases! The artwork in this book is nothing short of stunning and I’m so happy to be sharing the gift of gorgeous mobile wallpaper, a free printable of the Elements of Rest and a beautiful printable bookmark.

Whether you’re a stay-at-home mom, a busy executive, a student, or an empty nester, I know your normal lives are indeed busy. Racing from here to there, taking care of family members and homework and board meetings, juggling responsibilities and priorities—starring in your very own circus act with all that flexibility! But all that busyness doesn’t have to come at the price of exhaustion, stress, and worry. In Find Rest, you’ll see how Jesus promises us real rest on this crazy, wonderful journey called life.

Ladies, this life journey can be busy and exhausting. But let’s find rest, and freedom from stress and worry, together. It’s there for the taking—God’s word says so.

 

Your friend,

Shaunti

PS. Click here to pre-order Find Rest and get the incentives!

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4 Ways to Help Your Husband Up His Romantic Game

My friend Michelle once told me about a Valentine’s Day a couple years ago when her husband’s less-than-romantic gift left her feeling a bit hurt. She was hoping for flowers and a date night out. You know what the gift was? A vacuum! While I am sure he meant well because they needed a vacuum, he ended up making her feel less like a woman and more like a maid. How about you? Been daydreaming about that romantic gesture that just hasn’t happened yet? Is your next thought, “Does he even care?”

Well, you might be surprised to learn that he does care—and he deeply wants to please you. During my research for For Women Only, I asked men if they desired romance in their relationship for themselves and I was shocked that 84% said yes! Yes, 8 out of every 10 men desire romance just as much as we do! So, while your man might not seem romantic in the way you would like, he still wants romance! So what’s holding him back? Maybe he’s trying but you don’t interpret his attempts as romantic. Such as Michelle’s Valentine gift! Men and women sometimes define romance differently so the signals between sender and receiver can get crossed.

Or—even more likely—maybe he’s concerned that he won’t please you. My research shows that a huge majority of men think they can put together a romantic event, but almost half aren’t confident that you’ll like it. And for the huge majority of men, the prospect of failure is their most painful feeling. In other words, your man is probably worried that if he tries something, he’ll see signals that he didn’t get it right . . . and he knows that will hurt.

So, what can you do to encourage your reluctant Romeo? Here are four ways to get more romance out of your man:

#1: Recognize His Romantic Intentions

The first step is fine-tuning your awareness. What you interpret and define as romantic might be different than your husband. For a man, enjoying “play time” with his partner, like spending time together, is truly romantic. Whether that means watching a television show together, going out to catch a game, or simply hanging out. So, don’t always be looking for flowers and candlelight. Sometimes romance may mean giving practical gifts that you need instead of chocolate! Expand your definition of romance and key into his.

#2: Give Him A Chance To Practice 

Though he may feel tentative and uncertain, your appreciation will foster boldness on his part to continue his efforts. Translation: Don’t gently tease him for picking a sports bar when he planned a date night out. As you show only appreciation and withhold criticism, he’ll be more confident. And at that point, you’ll have the foundation to give feedback that won’t be seen as criticism. As he sees what you like, you’ll enjoy more experiences that are tailored to your likes and dislikes, and he’ll develop confidence that he’s pleasing you. That’s a win-win!

#3: Appreciate Romantic Gestures Of All Sizes

Make sure your man knows that every experience doesn’t have to top the last one! Guys can get paralyzed by that idea. Make sure he knows that a spontaneous outing to get coffee (“just because!”) can have as much impact as an over-the-top effort planned months in advance. Remember, even your man’s smallest act of kindness demonstrates how much he loves and cares for you.

#4: Entice Him

The icing on the cake to encourage your husband’s romance will be flirtatious interactions with you—the kind that both inspires and reflects romance. If you’ve been together for a while, it’s possible that you’ve settled into a kind of friendly companionship. Be the sultry soul mate again. Make yourself the kind of friend—both outside the bedroom and in it—that your man constantly wants to pursue. For most men, sex is a big part of romance and it means being close to you on all levels. And what’s more romantic than that?

Wherever your husband falls on the romance scale, it’s a pretty sure bet that he wants to please you. Just like when Michelle’s husband bought her that vacuum—he confided later that he heard her complain that their vacuum was on its last legs and he was trying to please her through providing for her! So, whether you realize it or not, your husband may be trying his hardest to romance you. Recognize that about him and appreciate his desire and efforts toward romance . . . and you’ll see romance a lot more often.

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

The post 4 Ways to Help Your Husband Up His Romantic Game appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

4 Crucial Things Daughters Need To Hear from their Dads

The daddy/daughter dances. The skinned knees and kissed boo-boos. Watching recitals, cheering at games, drying tears after first break-ups. Dads, we know you love your daughter. And you know you love your daughter. But there’s something you might not know: just how much your daughter needs to hear it! In the research with teens and preteens for For Parents Only, I found that these several key phrases have a lot more impact on the heart of a girl than you might think. And as you’ll see, they are especially powerful and important when coming from a father.  

Here are 4 crucial things daughters need to hear from their dads:

#1: “I Love You, Sweetheart.”  

Until she is married, you are the main guy in your daughter’s life. So this gives you a special responsibility: countering the little voice inside the head of most girls (95%) and women (80%) that secretly wonders “Am I loveable?” Where you as a man probably have a little voice that asks “Do I measure up?” you might be shocked by how much your daughter doubts whether she is worth being loved and accepted by those around her. And feeling loved by a man is one of the main ways girls tend to look for an answer to that question. So as you hug her, affirm her and tell her just how loved and loveable she is! It is far less likely she’ll feel the need to go looking for love in all the wrong places.

#2: “You’re Beautiful.”  

Just as girls doubt that they are lovable, they really doubt that they are lovely. We women can be really hard on ourselves. We see all our flaws. And every magazine rack your daughter passes screams at her that how she looks is not enough. Your daughter needs to see evidence that she is beautiful, and the most healthy, human evidence of that at this time in her life is getting that verbal affirmation from you. When she comes in dressed for school, tell her she looks great. If you need to ask her to adjust her attire, make sure she knows you think she is beautiful, regardless. Even consider taking her shopping every now and then. She will love seeing you light up when she presents herself in a way that lights her up.

#3: “I’m So Proud Of You.”  

You like to hear this phrase. Your daughter does, too. The years daughters are living at home involve lots of hard work, growing, and trying to find their way. We found in the research that all our kids (girls and boys) don’t have a clear roadmap for who they are and how they should handle life, school, relationships and everything else. They often feel like they are flailing around trying to figure it out. And there is an immense relief when a parent says they are proud of them (“Whew, I did something right!”). This is vital from any parent figure but it is very clear from our interviews and surveys that God has given it a special weight of authority when coming from a father. Don’t skimp on this phrase!

#4: “I’m Always Here For You—Even When You Make Mistakes.”  

You may not always have to say this out loud (although you should do that too!) but you do need to show it. As noted, our boys and girls won’t always do it right. They will mess up, not work hard enough, make wrong choices, and suffer the consequences. And they need to know that you are there with them through those consequences. This is key for girls and boys, but for a girl, when a father is angry or disappointed and seems to withdraw, she emotionally translates that as if he’s saying, “I don’t love you right now.” That is not at all what you’re saying but that is what she’s hearing. So when she drives recklessly, despite all your efforts to teach safe driving, let her suffer the consequences of having to go to court—but show her that you will stand beside her throughout it and that you are there for her no matter what.

We all know there’s nothing like the bond between fathers and daughters. And knowing the words that truly reach your daughter’s heart (and using them often) is a gift you can give that will last a lifetime.

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

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3 Reasons You Should NOT Gossip About Your Husband (and One Reason You Should!)

Not long ago I was in another city at a women’s event and heard a group of women near me talking over lunch:

Friend 1: “Tyler has been working so late, I never see him anymore. He’s only there for sleep and sex.”

Friend 2: “Girl, you don’t have to take that. I told Nate the other day that if he wasn’t home by 7pm from now on, he could forget about any action.”

(Laughter)

Friend 3: “You’re lucky! I wish I could get some action! I’ve tried everything but that man just says he’s worn out. No testosterone.”

Friend 2: “Maybe we can siphon off some of Nate’s testosterone and give it to him!”

Friend 1: “Oh, wouldn’t that be every woman’s dream? Now THAT invention would make millions of dollars on Shark Tank!”

Friend 3: “That and a remote control to make him do the dishes when you want him to!”

They were howling with laughter by the end—and I was so sad. Because with all the research studies I’ve done on men, women and marriages over the years, I knew something these women clearly didn’t. There are 3 important reasons you should NOT gossip about your husband—and only one reason you should:

Reason #1: You Are Sabotaging How You Feel About Your Husband

I can almost guarantee that the reason you’re complaining about your man is that you’re dissatisfied, right? Well, in our research study for The Kindness Challenge, we discovered that the reason you’re dissatisfied is probably because you’re complaining about him!

Think about it for a minute: if you’re irritated, and you tell him you’re irritated, and you tell your girlfriends that you’re irritated, are you going to be more or less irritated? The answer is obvious.  We just don’t realize that is what is happening!

Want to be less dissatisfied? Stop telling other people (and him) that you are and see what happens! Sure, there are sometimes very real and big issues that need to be dealt with. I’m not minimizing those. But there are almost certainly good things, too.

Reason #2: You’re Undermining—Instead Of Building—The Happy Marriage YOU Want!

We all want happy marriages. You want to love hanging out with your husband every day. But for that to happen, you need to completely change how you speak about him every day—not just to him but to others.

Why? Well, most of us have a subconscious idea that we feel a certain way and it is what it is—we can’t change it. But it turns out, neurologically, our feelings FOLLOW our words and actions. As mentioned before, what you SAY will actually change how you FEEL! So say the good!

Seriously, try it: resist the temptation to share in the negative gossip about how your husband never does the dishes or is always after sex. Instead look for and talk about how he is patient with your kids when they are squabbling or how sweet he was to spend all that time Saturday installing the blinds in the living room or that you love how he always holds the door open for you. Suddenly, you’ll WANT to hang out with him a lot more—and enjoy it! You’ll be closer together as friends. We found in our study of the happiest marriages that the secret sauce of a great marriage is, first and foremost, to be best friends with each other. And looking for those things that are (as the Bible puts it in Philippians 4:8), excellent and lovely and worthy of praise—rather than the things that are worthy of driving you crazy—is crucial to getting there.

Reason #3: You’re Helping Other Women Undermine Their Own Marriages!

I don’t know when we ever had the idea that gossiping and complaining about our men is okay—since we tell our kids that gossiping and complaining about people is not okay! But if we ever needed another reason to resist the temptation, this is it: by engaging in a griping, teasing, story-telling, “wait until you hear THIS one” session, we aren’t just hurting our own marriages—we are participating in the destruction of our friends’ marriages, too.

When I first realized that, it brought me up short. I was very, very convicted about those times I had engaged in what I viewed as a “harmless” gripe session. I knew I had a great husband. Despite various issues in our marriage in the early years, I knew he loved me. I knew he was a good man. And the men my friends were married to were good men, too. How dare I participate in egging on the gossip—merely by participating in it!—and tearing down the beautiful marriages they were longing for?

Our words have consequences. And I know all of us want those consequences to be good, not destructive.

Reason #4: Positive Gossip Changes Everything

I said I had 3 reasons you should NOT gossip about your husband—and only one that you should. And this is that one exception. “Gossip” has a negative connotation, but really it just means talking about, spreading news about and sharing things about someone behind their back. So share all the good things that you’ve been trying to focus on—and that others can focus on, too!

The next time you have a get together with girlfriends and one of them rolls her eyes about how her husband was soooo late in getting Johnny to soccer the other night, chime in with a smile, “How cool that he takes your son to soccer, though. What does your husband think about your son’s chances of continuing to play?” You’ve just changed the entire direction of the conversation.

Or brag on something your husband did the other day that was so cool and prompt others to do the same (“Didn’t you say that Ben was asked to give a talk at the school?”). Redirect to a positive spin and watch the gripe session—and your negative feelings—melt away. To be replaced by true gratitude for the man in your life.

Final Note: if you want to try redirecting your thoughts, feelings and actions in this way, I strongly suggest that you try the 30-Day Kindness Challenge. It is very simple but will help you build a habit at replacing the negative feelings with the positive ones and improving your relationship at the same time. We found that 89% of relationships improved! Give it a try—and enjoy the outcome!

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

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6 Ways Sarcasm is Hurting Your Relationships

The movie Lily’s husband had picked out for them to watch made her hoot with laughter—for all the wrong reasons. She jokingly critiqued the bad script, the bad acting, and the lame special effects throughout. “Well that was a real five-star selection!” she smirked as they cut off the ending credits. Nick shrugged sheepishly and said, “All right then, next week the choice is on you—and you’d better like it!”

Humor can be a sign and expression of intimacy in couples, families and among friends. But sometimes jokes—like Lily’s—don’t come across as innocent or playful as we intend them to be. When it’s biting and sarcastic, humor can cross the line and hurt the ones we love. The research for my book The Kindness Challenge showed that even good-natured sarcasm can take a heavy, secret toll. Not just for the recipient but, surprisingly, also for the person making the jokes.

If you naturally tend toward biting, sarcastic humor, here are six ways those harsh zingers could be negatively affecting your relationships.

#1: People Stop Trusting You

Think about it: aren’t you wary of someone who is frequently sarcastic with you? Well, if you’re the one being sarcastic, that’s the way others view you. They figure if you so easily make fun of them (even if it’s “all in good fun”), you’re not someone with whom they can share important things that matter to them. Now, if they know with 100% certainty that you care about them and the zingers are infrequent, then the jokes are just seen as jokes. But if either of those conditions are broken, people will doubt that you really care and will keep themselves at a distance.

#2: You’re Training Yourself To Be Cruel

Of course you don’t think of it that way. But those quick-witted, sarcastic remarks that are so funny are mostly funny to you. Sure, the person you’re talking to might laugh and joke back, but they secretly sense a cutting truth behind the teasing. Or that the humor was trying to put them in their place. Neither feels good . . . and you’re imposing that discomfort on others over and over again.

#3: You Won’t Get an Honest Opinion

If you’re known as someone who always makes funny, biting remarks, you are almost certainly ensuring that you won’t hear peoples’ true opinions or beliefs. People are smart. It is far safer to keep their thoughts to themselves than to risk a sarcastic—and potentially embarrassing—response from you. So they’ll be guarded with what they express and reveal to you. As a result, you end up missing out on helpful input. And you lose two key elements of a healthy relationship—intimacy and authenticity.

#4: Forget True Closeness

Real closeness requires real vulnerability. And guess what the one thing is that your friends and family feel they can’t have with you? That closeness. And it goes both ways: you are probably holding yourself back from closeness, too. In families and friend groups where there’s a lot of love but also a lot of sarcasm, we found that people, without realizing it, put up walls and rarely share what they are really thinking. Because if they do share a vulnerable, honest feeling out loud, everyone is waiting for the moment when it gets turned into a joke.

#5: Sarcasm Tends To See The Negative, Not The Positive

Sarcasm secretly feeds on itself. The more you notice those things worth a zinger—foibles, faults, flaws—in the people around you, the more negative things you find to insult rather than finding positive things to applaud. Sarcasm rarely or never seeks out the positive. Eventually, it will be difficult to find the good in people. Negativity breeds negativity.

#6: Sarcasm Sets The Tone Of The Room

Sarcasm is contagious. The more you use sarcasm, the more it spreads to others. It sets the “no vulnerability here!” tone for the room. And it erodes everyone’s kindness filter that censors harsh, biting banter and encourages courteous, uplifting conversation. Without that filter, there might be laughter among the group, but it will be the uneasy and uncomfortable kind.

Let’s be clear: you don’t need to lose your sense of humor. Just use your “gift of the zinger” sparingly. Be intentional about looking for the positives in people and situations rather than the negatives and highlight those good things. You’ll notice a difference in yourself (hello, more joy!), and you’ll notice sweeter, more open relationships—and more joy-filled, lighthearted laughter—all around you.

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post 6 Ways Sarcasm is Hurting Your Relationships appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

3 Reasons Why Your Wife Won’t Just Tell You What She Wants

A couple we know recently got engaged via an elaborate proposal that had clearly taken Justin, the groom-to-be, an immense amount of planning and effort to pull off. A mutual friend, upon hearing about it, told him, “Good job. Only 9,999,999 tests left to go.” Laughing at his friend’s good-natured cynicism, Justin nevertheless realized there was some truth to the statement. He said, “She wouldn’t just tell me she wanted me to come up with something big like that. She said, ‘Whatever you want’ but I suspected that she didn’t really mean it. I wish she would’ve just told me. But at least I got it right this time.” Like most guys, Justin wondered: why do women “test” and “play games” with their men at all?

Guys, there are three key reasons why your wife wants you to figure out what she wants, rather than just telling you. (These aren’t my opinion, but are the result of years of research and nationally representative surveys of women for my book For Men Only.) I know they might seem absolutely crazy, but once you realize the truth of these factors—and learn to see and respond to them—you’ve truly cracked the code. The things that probably most confuse you about women won’t confuse you (quite as much, at least!) anymore.

So read closely—and if you don’t think these reasons could possibly be true, just ask your wife!

Reason #1: If You Make the Effort To Figure It Out, It Means She’s Worth the Effort 

You know how you look confident but on the inside you privately worry whether you measure up? Well, your wife has a different private worry: somewhere deep inside, every day, she wonders whether she is worth loving. That question never goes away (just like you probably never get to a point where you feel as confident as you look). So each day, she’s looking for your signals as to the answer to that question. It reassures her that she must be worth loving when you make an effort to understand what she needs and wants rather than making her tell you. For example, it reassures her that she’s special when you study her enough to know that she is completely frazzled and that it would mean a lot if you offered to take the kids so she can rest—without her having to tell you that.

Reason #2: If You Figure It Out and Do Something About It, It Shows That You Care 

You think it’s the action that matters—which is why you wish she would just tell you what action she wants. You’re wondering: Do you want me to take the kids to the park so you can rest? Do you want me to take you out to a quiet dinner for your birthday or have a get-together with friends? While you’re upset with me right now, do you want me to apologize or leave you alone? In the midst of those conundrums you’re probably thinking, “Just tell me what to do, and I’ll do it!” But remember that the “doing” isn’t always the most crucial thing. What matters to your wife is the fact that you make the effort to figure out what matters to her. It shows she is worth the effort (see Reason #1) and—even more important—it shows that you care enough about her to make that effort for her.

Reason #3: If She Has To Tell You, She’ll Never Know Whether You Did It Because You Wanted To Or Only Because She Told You To 

Guys, we women don’t always realize that you want to do those things that will make us happy. In other words, because of that secret “am I lovable?” insecurity, we subconsciously might not believe that you want to do things for us because you care about us. So when we tell you what we want you to do, and you do it, we honestly, truly don’t know whether you are doing it because you really wanted to—or just because you’re putting up with us and doing it because we asked you to.

So men, here’s the key that will unlock the door to your wife’s confidence and security: pursue the lifelong practice of studying your beloved, then put what you learn to work. Don’t roll your eyes whenever you come up against a situation that feels like a test. (As you might imagine, that just makes her self-doubt even worse!) Instead of expressing frustration, be patient. Approach each situation as an opportunity to show her that she is someone who is lovable—and loved. And as you build up that certainty in her, over time, you’ll encounter those tests less and less often.

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post 3 Reasons Why Your Wife Won’t Just Tell You What She Wants appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Don’t Be a Hothead! 4 Key Strategies for Keeping Your Cool

We’ve all had conversations that start to get heated. You know the kind—voices and tempers start rising and we may not exactly be acting like our best selves. It’s in that moment when we wish there was a pause button in life and more importantly, a rewind button to erase that toddler-style temper tantrum we just had with our co-worker or spouse. Well, while doing some research for my book, The Kindness Challenge, I realized something important: when we are angry, most of us handle it wrong! And there are a few simple things we can do to help handle it right.

Here are 4 key strategies to help us keep our cool (before we become a hothead!):

Tip #1: In Advance, Realize “Venting” Only Makes Things Worse!

Most of us have bought into the idea that letting a little steam out of the kettle now prevents it from exploding later, right? And taking a few minutes to vent to or about our spouse, child, or boss just feels quite satisfying when we have steam pouring out of our ears. As it turns out, though, doing this actually hurts instead of helps.

Neuroscientists such as Dr. Brad Bushman at Ohio State have discovered that actually expressing the anger we feel further activates an interconnected anger system in the brain and makes the kettle boil that much more. So while we can certainly express anger any time we want to, the question is whether we should if we want to keep our temper in check and preserve a relationship, a job, or our sanity.

Tip #2: Instead of “Letting Off Steam,” Remove Yourself From the Heat

If we’re boiling and don’t want to be, the researchers suggest the equivalent of putting the lid on tight and removing the pot from the heat. When we decide to be calm (see below), it is the equivalent of smothering the anger and denying it oxygen to burn. And when we remove or distract ourselves from whatever is making us furious, we find our anger cooling off until, in many cases, we’re simply not angry anymore.

So when your co-worker expresses frustration that the boss made everyone work late last night, instead of chiming in with the “Yeah, and guess what else?!” additional grievances, calmly say, “Yep, that was frustrating. So about these quarterly numbers . . .” And if the other person persists, excuse yourself, go back to your cube and force yourself to think something more healthy. Like what else you were working on. Or that dream Caribbean vacation.

(One hint for husbands or boyfriends, though: given what we discovered in our research about how women are wired, if you have to remove yourself from an emotional conflict, be sure to reassure your wife or girlfriend that you two are okay and you’ll be able to talk about it later. That gives her the reassurance of your love that she needs to give you space without simmering and venting herself.)

Tip #3: Before You Speak, Pause

So how do we manage to respond “calmly” to our coworker (or spouse or in-laws or kids) when we’re just as mad as he or she is? Here’s the answer: force yourself to pause for a few seconds before you reply. Seriously. That allows your will to catch up with your boiling emotions, so you can decide to handle your words well (for example, if I reply to this now, it’s only going to make it worse. Best to ask if we can continue this conversation at 1:30pm.) More importantly, if you’re a person of faith, it also gives God a chance to touch your heart and steer your reply before you move forward—full steam ahead—and have regrets about your behavior later.

So when you’re worried about your son’s progress in school and seven shades of upset that your husband didn’t agree to hire a tutor to help him, force yourself to pause and get your thoughts together before you speak. “Think before you speak” is one of the earliest lessons we teach our kids and yet sometimes we forget it as adults. We need to relearn that skill—especially when it comes to those relationships that are most important to us.

Tip #4: Practice Apologies

Since we will not always do it right, despite all those strategies, we also need to practice apologies each and every time they are needed. “I’m sorry, honey. I know you care about David and I shouldn’t have ever implied that you didn’t. Will you forgive me?” You don’t need to necessarily agree (“Maybe this weekend we could talk more specifically about why I think a tutor is so important and how we can get the money to pay for it.”) But you DO need to apologize.

This is in part because our research with the happiest relationships found that we need to keep short accounts, be willing to make up and always ask for forgiveness when we have wronged someone else—regardless of whether they have wronged us too. But also because if we know we’re going to have to apologize if we let our temper run away with us, we’ll be far less likely to do it next time!

Tell yourself venting will make it worse. Remove yourself from the frustrating situation or focus on something else. Pause to let your ability to make a good choice catch up with you. And apologize if you don’t. Try these simple actions to keep your cool for just a few weeks and you’ll find yourself handling difficult feelings well. In fact, those pause and rewind buttons you wished for will be a thing of the past.

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post Don’t Be a Hothead! 4 Key Strategies for Keeping Your Cool appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

3 Simple Steps to Help Your Teen Stay Honest

Freedom. Our country was founded on this value. Freedom of speech. Freedom of religion. Freedom to lie to your parents. Wait, what? Yes, we value freedom, but in our research with teens we discovered that it is far more than just a “value.” At this stage of their lives, it is the value. In fact, it is so motivating, so powerful, that to many teens it becomes like a drug – one that they are even willing to lie to their parents to keep.

When I was researching For Parents Only I had an illuminating conversation with adolescent psychotherapist Dr. Julie Carberry that explained so much of what I was hearing in my focus groups with teenagers.  She said, “Freedom is cocaine to a teenager. It’s intoxicating. It’s addictive. And it is often their biggest motivator.”

How big? Three out of four of teens in my nationally-representative survey said they were intensely focused on being able to do what they wanted to do (which is essentially their definition of freedom).  So much so that even most teens who loved and had good relationships with their parents would do whatever it took (including deceive their parents) to avoid losing that precious freedom.

While this truth may sound frightening, the research also revealed three steps that will help you nip those deceptions in the bud, so your teen can start living in the sort of healthy freedom that you as a parent can also enjoy!

Step #1: Choose discipline with their brand of freedom in mind 

One of the most common pleas we heard from teens was for parents to understand them as individuals. And since they are wired to be freedom junkies, the fear of losing ONE particular freedom will likely cause a gut-level, highly emotional reaction in even the calmest teenager.

Which particular freedom? Well, that’s the point: that’s what you have to find out. Is your child’s cell phone their can’t-live-without-it lifeline to a few close friends they are desperate not to lose? Or do they (rather annoyingly) wait hours to check their text messages, but view access to the car as their lifeline to the world?  Or perhaps they could take or leave their cell phone or car, but deeply care about the ability to spend money where they most want to spend it?

Whatever type of freedom your teen cares about most will be their main trigger.

So choose discipline with their brand of freedom in mind. When you need to give some sort of correction, make sure that (in their mind) the punishment fits the crime.  In other words: losing their most important freedom should be reserved for “nuclear bomb” infractions, not day-to-day mistakes.

For example, suppose your child’s brand of freedom is their car—and they get a speeding ticket.  You might be tempted to revoke their car privileges to “teach them a lesson”—and yet because the car is your child’s greatest motivator, taking it away is the nuclear option. You might hear (as we did) anger and fury that seems out of all proportion.  But, you see, to them what was out of all proportion was revoking the car for a 10-mph speeding ticket! For your child, you might find that having to take a safety driving class for four weeks might teach the consequences for speeding without the least bit of resentment!

What does this have to do with lying, you might ask? Many teens, like many addicts, will choose to lie and deceive parents when they feel they are at risk of losing their brand of freedom for a non-nuclear-bomb infraction. Lying is often a teen’s defense to avoid losing freedom, rather than a stand-alone offense or rebellious bad behavior. In the research, we found that even good, godly kids who are close to their parents will rationalize and bend the truth to the breaking point out of fear of losing a freedom-trigger privilege or object, be it a cell phone, being able to go out with friends, or even being able to go to bed when they want!

Obviously, there’s no excuse for deception—but if we’re going to counter it, we need to know what is behind it. So learn your child’s freedom-triggers and choose discipline that will seem proportional to your child.

Step #2: Let your child know in what crucial situations they can be honest with you, without losing their freedom

Ultimately, we want our teens to know that they can be honest with us about crucial matters without risking their precious freedoms. Sometimes, of course, confessing to a fault and taking the consequences is an important lesson. But equally important are those safety and moral situations in which you want and need your teen to be honest with you—for them to know that no matter what they can come to you without losing their crucial freedoms.

My author friend Vicki Courtney shared that when her kids first started using the internet, she made them promise if something inappropriate showed up on their screen they should tell her.  No matter what, she would not take away their access to the internet!

One day, a weird, inappropriate ad appeared on her daughter’s screen. Her daughter came to her, but reminded her promptly of her promise to not take away her internet access.

As you now know, teens live with a deep and reactionary fear that you’ll take away their favorite freedom.  So unless you prove that there are situations in which you will leave it intact, your child may be inclined to think that calling you and confessing that they are at a rowdy party is a far greater risk than riding home in the drunk friend’s car.  But the more willing you are to explicitly say things like “I promise, if you call, I will come pick you up anywhere, and you will not lose your cell phone,” (or whatever) the more willing the teen will be to trust you when it matter most.

Step #3: Remember, freedom-seeking is a healthy desire

Finally, remember: your child may not always handle their desire for freedom well… but the desire itself is a natural and good thing.  After all, as they get older, one of our main jobs as parents is to help them handle their increasing freedoms well!

So empathize with your child. Show them that you “get” why such-and-such is so important to them—but that lying is never the right option. Prove to your child that they can earn more freedoms if they are truthful with you, even when it is difficult. Over time, even the temptation to lie will diminish as your child makes more mature choices—and is rewarded for them.

It is rarely an easy or quick journey to get to that point, but we have seen in the research that we can get there. Get to know your teen’s freedom language, give them freedom-saving discipline choices, and reward them for telling the truth. And as you do, your teen will become more and more honest and open with you—which is the ultimate state of freedom for parents and teens alike.

Looking for encouragement for your relationship? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post 3 Simple Steps to Help Your Teen Stay Honest appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

4 Triggers that Cause Wives to Worry

Andy dreaded hearing the words “are we okay?” from his wife. After they disagreed about the kids or if he just wanted to be alone to work on a project in the garage or if their phone calls from his business trips were cut short or if they hadn’t spent a whole lot of time together—she seemed to question if their marriage was alright. She was asking more and more often and it was starting to get on his nerves. “I love my wife,” he explained, “but man, is she needy!”

I’ve heard stories like this over the years and what I’ve come to find out in my research and interviews for my book For Men Only is this: the “are we okay” question from women stems from something deeper than a disagreement or a phone call cut short—it’s all about security. There are definite reasons wives keep checking in on the state of their marriage relationship and guys, it’s important to be aware of what might be triggering your wife and her insecurity.

Here are 4 triggers that cause wives to worry:

Trigger #1: Conflict

For most guys, conflict is just conflict; it is fairly easy to put it out of your head and focus on whatever you’re doing that day. But for most women . . . not so much. In my research for For Men Only, one woman explained it this way: “A lot of desperate feelings surface when I feel like my husband is displeased with me. I know it sounds old-fashioned, and I’m a pretty independent person, but it still really affects me.” Another woman told me, “When we’re at odds, it’s like nothing is right with the world until that is resolved.” Guys: she needs your reassurance that you still love her and you’ll get through this just fine.

Trigger #2: Withdrawal 

When you are faced with conflict or you feel angry or inadequate, you may retreat into silence to process, avoid saying something hurtful or even escape unpleasant feelings for a time. But for the woman in your life, your withdrawal typically generates more anxious emotions. As one woman explained the feeling, “I know it sounds crazy, but I really do subconsciously wonder, “What happens if he doesn’t snap out of it this time?” Guys, before you get some cave time, tell her “I’m angry and need some space, but I want you to know: we’re okay.”

Trigger #3: Silence

Women have a radar for unspoken conflict. So when you are quieter than usual, it’s easy to jump to conclusions—even if those conclusions might be wrong. As one woman described it, “If he’s quiet, it must be me.” Guys, if you’re sitting in silence because you’re pondering the blowup at work, your parents’ health or that awful turnover in the game Saturday, tell her. Better yet—talk to her about it. (“I’m not mad, don’t worry. I’m just concerned about work. Joe said something about this one client . . .”)

Trigger #4: Her Emotional Bank Account is Depleted   

Maybe she’s exhausted or you’ve been absent a lot. Maybe the two of you have unresolved conflicts. Whatever the case (and even if it has nothing to do with you), concerns about your relationship will be more easily triggered if her emotional reserves are low. Ask her about her feelings, listen with interest as she shares, give her a big hug and tell her how special she is to you. That will help fill her emotional bank account right back up again!

Husbands, if you seem to be getting the “are we okay” question, now you know that she may be feeling insecure in your relationship. By being aware of these potential triggers and addressing her need for security, you will go a long way in helping your wife feel more than “okay” in your marriage.

Looking for encouragement for your marriage? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post 4 Triggers that Cause Wives to Worry appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

3 Things to Remember With Your Drama Queen Daughter

Do you have a teen or pre-teen daughter at home? Ever gotten frustrated at her “drama queen” episodes? Maybe she got furious about that bad grade when the teacher was so unfair! Maybe she sobbed about the mean girls at school. Maybe she starts furiously texting you every upset emoji in the list about how your rules are ruining her life!

I’ve had so many moms and dads ask me what to do in those situations since, they say, they don’t want to be manipulated, enabling, or escalate an already bad trend. One woman described how her teenage daughter begged to play volleyball – but then (when she didn’t want to go to practices) cried about the fact that none of the girls liked her. Not long afterward she came home from a sleepover in tears because her friends played Manhunt, forgot she was still hiding outside and went in to make cookies without her. She couldn’t bear the thought of facing them at school on Monday. This mom told her daughter that “drama queen stuff” wouldn’t work and she still must go to volleyball and school. Enough was enough!

But—you guessed it—that created yet more drama.

Before you give up and assume the next few years are simply doomed to drama, remember three important things. They will change how you deal with your daughter—and you’ll see the drama a lot less often!

Before you give up and assume that the teen years are simply doomed to drama, remember these three important things.
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Remember what that incident would have felt like at her age. 

Stop assuming your daughter’s feelings and tears aren’t legitimate.

The next time you hear something that seems so “dramatic” and you’re tempted to roll your own eyes, pause before responding and remember what it was like to be in her shoes. (Note: this will be easier for women than men, since some things bother girls more than boys. So dads…ask your wife how they would have felt as a teenage girl.)

Think about it: When you were her age and upset about something would you have wanted your parents to derisively assume you were being a drama queen, and were “overreacting” to something? Wouldn’t that have made your feelings (and the drama) far worse? Remember what it was like to be a teenage girl and how all the stuff you are waving off now really mattered to you back then.

Remember what it was like to be a teenage girl and how all the stuff you are waving off now really mattered to you back then.
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Maybe you’re made of sterner stuff than I am, but I would have been devastated if I was hiding outside in the dark, waiting for my friends to find me, only to realize that they didn’t even remember I was at the sleepover. Think of the humiliation. Think of the courage it would take to walk into that house and pretend that you weren’t fazed by it. Or the embarrassment you would feel if you broke down crying and said something like “you guys don’t care about me at all!” Think about what it would be like to face that pack of girls at school on Monday. And then think about what it would feel like to have your parents – the people who you most want to depend on to care about you – totally dismiss your feelings as “drama.” Ouch. I would have been devastated.

Expect and require respect—but don’t assume any disrespect is intentional

Have you noticed that those “drama” moments are also those that carry the most risk of our daughter’s rolling their eyes at us…. and then of us as parents escalating to DEFCON 1?

In the For Parents Only research, one of my greatest surprises was how often the teens and pre-teens truly didn’t realize that their tone and body language were conveying serious disrespect toward the person they were talking to. They might in fact be exasperated and think their parents are being totally stupid—but they rarely intended to directly say so!!

Developmental experts have found that many teens and younger children haven’t fully developed the situational and self-awareness that allows us as adults to realize (for example) “My tone is getting very frustrated as I’m talking to my boss: maybe I should back off a bit.”

Part of our job as parents, after all, is to help our children learn this awareness and this skill.  And the only way of doing that is through practice. Which means, by definition, that emotional conflicts will likely be our primary training ground! But for that to work, we must be the trainer, not the one who makes the drama worse. To both enforce our child’s respect in communication and help them learn, calmly tell your daughter, “You may not realize that your arms are crossed, your voice is raised and your tone is implying that I’m an idiot. Let’s have you say that again, using a different tone, please.” Calmly doing that each and every time, expecting the best of your daughter, will usually bring about a very good result over time.

Emotional conflicts with a teenager are a training ground for life.
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Listening to her feelings will lessen them. Avoiding or diminishing her feelings will make them worse. 

Here’s the crux of diminishing the drama: in my research, I’ve found that teenagers’ feelings only get more and more complex and intense if they couldn’t be shared and heard.

in my research, I’ve found that teenagers’ feelings only get more and more complex and intense if they couldn’t be shared and heard.
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Believe it or not, this mattered equally to both boys and girls! Teens and younger kids are often a jumble of emotions, and when those situations occur both boys and girls desperately need to be able to share those emotions, get them out, and (most importantly) know that you have heard them. Not just that the issue had been heard, but that their feelings had been heard.

What we discovered is that as the teenager had a chance to talk through all their jangling emotions, and get them all out, they would find their emotions calming down a bit. The issue was still there, but the feelings were more manageable. And thus the “drama” would be more manageable and would (often) go away much more quickly.

Since you truly do care about your daughter, learn how to listen to her feelings instead of dismissing them. Draw out her emotions about the events that seem to be tying her in knots and ask questions about them and dig deeper into how she’s feeling. (“Oh honey, that must have been so embarrassing.  I’m so sorry.  What did they say when you came inside the house?  And then what?  Then how did you feel?”) You may recoil and think that pulling out more feelings is like throwing gasoline on an open flame and will make the “drama” worse, but just try it. Instead, you’ll see that it is more like drawing poison out of a wound.  The tears will flow, but you’ll see the tenseness leave, and the drama diminishing much more quickly than you would otherwise. And most importantly, your daughter will feel cared for.

So, try it. Next time you see an attitude or a degree of tears that seems out of all proportion, dig deeper instead of trying to get out of the conversation as quickly as possible. Remember what it feels like to be in her shoes. Sure, there’s always the possibility it is purely hormonal or purely an attempt to play you for a fool. But unless you know for a fact that the latter is what is happening, err on the side of proving to your daughter, as often as you need to, that while the whole world may seem against her at times, that you are firmly on her side.

The next time you see an attitude or a degree of tears that seems out of all proportion, dig deeper instead of trying to get out of the conversation as quickly as possible.
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Looking for encouragement for your marriage? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post 3 Things to Remember With Your Drama Queen Daughter appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.