Shaunti Feldhahn's Blog, page 41

When You Criticize and He Withdraws, This is What’s Really Happening

According to Deborah, her husband Marcus has an anger problem, and she doesn’t know how to handle it. They’ve always had “intense discussions,” but lately he’s been getting furious and walking away. As she tells it, they recently got into a fight on their way out of a restaurant, just because she told him that he shouldn’t have eaten so much, and he definitely shouldn’t have had dessert. He actually walked away and left her standing at the door—if she hadn’t had her keys with her, she would have been stranded! To Deborah, Marcus seems like a little kid who can’t handle criticism and throws a tantrum.

Does this scenario ring true—even a bit—for you? Like Marcus, does your man pull away, exit the situation, or leave you in the lurch when you’re having a conflict? Maybe you wish he would “grow up” and handle his anger better. Let me gently ask: have you ever considered that maybe, just maybe, it isn’t only your husband who needs to handle things better? I’m not saying you—or Deborah—are to blame, but while you’re thinking that your man needs some Anger Management 101, it might be helpful to examine why he’s getting so angry. A lot of women don’t realize that a man’s anger is often very legitimate: an outward signal of very real internal pain.

Anger Is Often A Man’s Way Of Expressing His Hurt.

In my research, I’ve seen that anger for men is like crying for women. When we’re hurt, we women often find tears leaking down our cheeks—and we want to be able to cry without being judged for the tears. In a similar way, anger is often a man’s signal of being hurt—and they don’t want to be judged, either.

What “hurts” our big, strong men? Well, underneath that outward strength they often have a soft heart and a deep need to be respected. So what hurts, usually, is the feeling that he’s being disrespected by those he most cares about. In my surveys, more than 80% of men agreed that this was the source of their anger during a fight with their wives. Above all, a man wants to measure up in her eyes. And it is excruciating when he feels that she’s saying, instead, “you’re inadequate” or “you failed.” Or, even, “grow up.”

Withdrawal Can Be A Sign That Your Man Is Trying To Handle His Anger Well.

Here’s what often happens next. In response to that intense hurt, intense anger rears up and a man wants to punch something. But because he loves his wife, he has to control his anger. He knows that beyond a certain point, unleashing it in words or actions would be damaging, hurtful, and unhealthy. So the only thing he can do in that moment of fury is to get as much distance as possible, so that he doesn’t handle it poorly.

In other words: when your husband withdraws, exits the situation, or even leaves you in the lurch during a conflict, he’s probably doing it in order to process his anger in a better way than his initial instincts would lead him to. Getting some time and space between him and the situation (or between him and you) gives him the opportunity to regain control and approach the issue with more calmness and self-control.

Anger Itself Isn’t Always Wrong.

Does that mean Deborah’s husband was right to leave her at the restaurant? Does that mean your husband always handles his anger well? Not necessarily. But it doesn’t necessarily mean that the anger itself is wrong, either. Let me bring in a biblical perspective for a second. The bible says “in your anger do not sin.” It doesn’t say anger itself is a sin. There certainly is inappropriate anger, and any man who verbally or physically abuses his wife needs intervention, fast. But that isn’t usually the case.

Many wives don’t realize that their husband—like most men—interprets their critical comments as implying “you’ve failed.” They don’t realize that he probably feels humiliated. Well, now you know. And now you know that when you see anger on his part, it’s a signal of legitimate hurt.

Be Sensitive To What Causes Your Husband Pain.

Since you undoubtedly care about your husband, you need to learn what is legitimately painful to him—just like you want him to understand that his anger and withdrawal is painful for you. Hopefully, you can develop ways to raise sensitive issues in the right way and at the right time, in a way that won’t hurt your man.

And if you do have an argument, and you’re feeling hurt as well, perhaps this new knowledge will help you learn how to respond in a way that brings you closer together. After all, when things get heated, and our own female pain runs high, our faces and voices can signal even more disrespect. Maybe your voice gets higher and more staccato, or your facial expression changes. Maybe your words became guided missiles aimed at a vulnerable target: your husband’s surprisingly soft heart.

Give Your Man Room To Be Human.

So the next time anger arises, think about how you’re coming across. Take some deep breaths to bring your voice back into normal range. Maybe take a break from the discussion until you can respond well. Start with a respectful tone and words. If appropriate, apologize (“Honey, I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking about how that might embarrass you.”). And it will begin to heal the wounds if you find a way to affirm your respect and appreciation for him.

Once we learn to see our man’s anger as a sign of pain—and not the tantrum of a little kid, as Deborah saw it—the way we view the situation is transformed. We certainly can’t accept abusive anger. But otherwise, let’s give our men room to be human; specifically, room to be male.

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Find Rest: A Women’s Devotional for Lasting Peace in Busy Life, focuses on a journey to rest even with life’s constant demands.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This post was first published at Patheos.

The post When You Criticize and He Withdraws, This is What’s Really Happening appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

When Feelings and Logic Seem Incompatible: Navigating Emotional Minefields

We have all heard the funny saying that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. When it comes to processing strong emotions, this could be close to the truth! And understanding those differences will give you much better communication – especially when you need it most!

Wives, when you are in a passionate situation that causes a display of emotions – let’s say you are really upset about a problem at your kids’ school and you disagree how to solve it – realize that your husband may not receive what you are trying to communicate because he thinks you are not thinking clearly.

Before you get indignant about that, let me explain why that is!

For men, strong emotions and logic cannot coexist together. It’s like a bird trying to live underwater. When men are feeling strong emotions, they have to compartmentalize those feelings in order to be able to continue to think logically. This is a huge thing we need to know about our husbands – and men in general, actually. (It applies to your male colleagues too!)

A man sees someone (woman or man!) getting defensive, upset or holding back tears, and no matter how smart or logical that person is, he thinks, “Oh man, they’re getting emotional!” He then will begin to worry that he won’t be able to think clearly to address whatever is being discussed, and so will often withdraw from engaging with that person in that moment. He feels a strong need to wait until things have calmed down, and the discussion can be productive again.

In other words: when someone shows a display of strong emotion, a man automatically thinks all logic has left the building! You may be highly rational, educated and informed, trying to communicate a concern very clearly, but your husband has now shut down receiving any of it because he believes you are not thinking clearly in the midst of your emotions. Men, am I right?! This was shown repeatedly in interviews for research in my book, For Women Only in the Workplace.

Ladies, you may be protesting, “Just because I feel something strongly or I am upset, does NOT mean I am not thinking clearly!” For you as a woman, you are 100% correct. The key is that he doesn’t realize that. So everything will change once he sees you being as logical as you actually are. Take some deep breaths and pause, so you are able to use a calm voice, a steady tone, and an even expression. List two key points why you think it is important to email the school right away, rather than waiting until tomorrow. It doesn’t mean he will automatically agree with you, of course, but it will help a man hear what you are actually trying to say.

And husbands, here’s what you need to know on your side: your wife has a type of brain wiring that can process BOTH strong emotions and logical thoughts at the same time. So when you are communicating with your wife, understand that her passionate display of emotion does not mean she is not thinking clearly. Try to avoid the temptation to set the discussion aside, since she may view that as a signal that you don’t care – even though you probably care very much! Reminding yourself that she is thinking clearly will help you be able to better receive what she’s saying, and not miss a point that might be very important for you to hear.

Yes, we may be from two different planets, but we can communicate well. And understanding these different ways of processing will help you do that, right when you need it most.

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Find Rest: A Women’s Devotional for Lasting Peace in Busy Life, focuses on a journey to rest even with life’s constant demands.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post When Feelings and Logic Seem Incompatible: Navigating Emotional Minefields appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

This One Sneaky Little Habit Could Hurt Your Marriage

Sitting on the couch watching TV while her husband Jared gets a snack from the kitchen, Carla sees his phone sitting on the coffee table and wonders if she has enough time to take a quick peek at it before he gets back. It’s not suspicion or paranoia, she tells herself—it’s just curiosity. Jared’s been texting up a storm since dinner. She doesn’t want to come out and ask him, but she’s dying to know: who has he been texting and what’s it about?

Jared is the best person Carla knows: he’s funny, warm, affectionate, and a hard worker. He’s a great provider for her and the kids. She has no reason to suspect him of anything at all. In fact, she’s sure he’s never even considered cheating on her. But she’s extremely curious about who he emails and texts. If they’re together and his phone chimes, it’s almost impossible for her not to ask who it is, even though her questions have started to really bother him.

How about you? Do you struggle with a desire to read your husband’s texts and emails? Do you wonder if it will really hurt anything if you do a little checking that he’ll never even know about, just for your peace of mind?

Here are some thoughts on what you—and Carla—can and should do to address this issue… before it becomes a problem.

Curiosity killed the cat!

You know that phrase “Curiosity killed the cat”?  Well, an unwarranted, suspicious, controlling curiosity could kill a marriage too. It’s not unusual for couples to share who’s texting, of course. But when you know logically that there’s no reason to be suspicious, and you still act as if you are, that’s a problem.

You may have an overwhelming curiosity. Okay, so you’re curious. Everyone can be at times. But if you act on that curiosity by checking up on your husband, what you’re essentially saying is, “I have an overwhelming feeling that I want to follow right now, and I’m going to follow right now, even though it is completely illogical and the wrong thing to do.”

We can all think of times when we’ve done something we knew was wrong, out of overwhelming emotion. When has it ever ended well? Letting negative emotions rule how we respond to things can even have life-shattering consequences. Like what could happen if you convey to a man you trust and adore that you don’t actually trust and adore him.

Snooping causes a loss of trust.

In a 2013 study reported in the UK newspaper, The Telegraph, 34 percent of women said they’d snooped into their partner’s emails or texts. And it’s not just females who fight curiosity—nearly twice as many men (62 percent) said they’d done the same thing. And the respondents admitted that the loss of trust caused by snooping either started a relationship into decline or finished it off completely. Don’t go there.

Fortunately, your actions don’t have to change solely out of sheer willpower. You can also change your feelings. The ultra-happy couples I surveyed for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages were happy, in part, because they had learned not to simply “exercise control” over the negative feelings; they had actually learned how to change those feelings and talk themselves out of being mad or upset… or curious and suspicious!

Redirect your actions to redirect your feelings.

What might that look like? When overwhelming curiosity comes upon you, you could tell yourself something like: I want to ask who just texted him, but if I do it will be a signal to him that I don’t trust him. I do trust him, and I’m just curious, but that curiosity is not worth telling this wonderful man that he’s worthy of suspicion.

You will find that if you redirect your actions, it will help to redirect your feelings. All of which helps to ensure that we are in charge … not our crazy emotions. In the Bible, God tells us that when we act on and think about what is right and true, the positive feelings will follow. On the other hand, if you act on the negative thoughts, you’ll reinforce them. Whatever your faith background is, I would urge you to ask God for His help in this area. And look for and rehearse what is right and true—it’s always there somewhere.

Focus on your husband’s wonderful qualities.

If you still find yourself with an overwhelming curiosity, even after all of that, then it might be time to get some more specific help. Consider finding a certified therapist who can help you figure out why this suspicion is so hard to crack when there’s really no reason for it. Is it a desire to control? If so, why? Perhaps you’re feeling out of control in other areas and trying to over-control your husband as a result. Or despite your assurance that there’s no reason for suspicion, maybe you worry, deep down, that there might be. Concerns like these could be addressed with the help of a professional, before curiosity has any chance of killing the marriage.

In the meantime, remember what Carla loves about her husband—that he’s funny, warm and affectionate? What qualities do you love and admire the most about your husband? Dwell on those wonderful qualities whenever your curiosity wants to get the best (or the worst) of you. Show your husband that you have faith in him, and enjoy the blessing of a relationship that’s based on openness and trust.

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Find Rest: A Women’s Devotional for Lasting Peace in Busy Life, focuses on a journey to rest even with life’s constant demands.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post This One Sneaky Little Habit Could Hurt Your Marriage appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

This is what inadequacy feels like to your man

For a moment, I’d like you to picture a mortifying scenario that may or may not have actually happened recently. Imagine that you’re an author and public speaker. Imagine that, hypothetically, you’ve spent fifteen years uncovering ‘aha moments’ about relationships – and that your audiences are usually quite engaged and interested as a result. You love the fact that your listeners leave wanting more!  

Now imagine that you have a brand-new research topic, and you’re invited to share it for the first time with a group of influential leaders. You’re pumped! Even better, in this hypothetical scenario, your research sponsor flies down to be with you, promote your work and cheer you on.

But it doesn’t go according to plan. Instead of engagement, you get confused looks. Instead of energy, you see them deflating, then fidgeting, then they start checking their phones. Everything you usually do to recapture your audience doesn’t work. It’s good information, but you didn’t organize it properly. You’ve lost them. For ninety excruciating minutes, you can practically hear your research sponsor thinking, Oh, no.  

As you can probably tell, this scenario isn’t hypothetical.

As I drove away from that conference an hour later, my emotions were roiling but I couldn’t name what I was feeling. I just felt terrible that I hadn’t delivered the way I wanted to. Even though the event organizer apparently still heard good things afterwards, my research sponsor and I both knew it was a big missed opportunity.

It suddenly hit me: what I was feeling was inadequacy. That sinking, mortified, stirred-up sensation inside me was that of feeling like a failure. That I tried to do something well and failed instead. (My research sponsor insists that it wasn’t a failure, was still great information and a decent start for a new talk, but it sure felt like failure.)

Then the next thought hit me: is this what guys feel like every day??? Holy cow!  

Suddenly, I had two HUGE ‘a-ha moments.’

Only big things trigger that feeling in women – while little things trigger it in men

I spend a lot of time sharing with women my research findings that every day, men have far more vulnerability and self-doubt than we realize. That their greatest question is “Do I measure up? Am I any good at what I do?” And thus that their greatest fear is feeling inadequate. Is feeling like a failure.

But here’s what hit me hard today: For me, like for most women, since my ability to do stuff well isn’t my greatest insecurity, it takes something really big to trigger that really bad feeling. Like a big presentation that doesn’t go well. But for a guy, the smallest things can trigger that really bad feeling. Like his wife asking, “Why on earth didn’t you send the kids to school in warmer clothes? It’s freezing outside!” Or after he cleans up the dishes, watching you put everything back in the dishwasher a different way so it is “done right.” Or a colleague telling him, “Honestly, your deal memo was a bit confusing.”

Cue the same big sinking, mortified, stirred-up sensation that I felt driving away from the conference. I realized: this is what inadequacy feels like regularly for a man!  No wonder we think they are so “over sensitive” to criticism!

See, for me, if Jeff asks me “Why did you do XYZ with the kids?” Or re-does the dishes, I just shrug. I don’t really view it as criticism, and certainly don’t view it as saying that I failed! But that is because I (like most women) don’t have that particular insecurity always running under the surface.  But that insecurity is always there for 75% of men!

My insecurity is different. Mine (as with 82% of women), is not “am I any good at what I do on the outside?” but “am I worthy of being loved for who I am on the inside?” So in my area of insecurity, fairly small things – like an argument with my husband, or him getting angry and shutting down – can trigger a big, unpleasant feeling inside me. (Which my husband, in turn, doesn’t realize, because he doesn’t have that particularly insecurity always running under the surface!)

We can create empathy and intimacy with our man, by remembering this feeling – and building him up instead.

Ladies, I think the key for us is to think of what we felt when we had a major, public, embarrassing failure moment where we wanted to crawl into a hole and die – and realize that that is what our husband feels when we snippily correct his parenting, order him around, or tease him in front of his friends about breaking the kitchen plumbing when he tried to fix the sink.

What a great incentive that is for me to be much more aware of how I am coming across!

And what a great incentive it is to look for ways to build him up when I suspect he’s feeling this way.

Just as I was incredibly grateful for the leader who stopped me after my talk, and said, “I really appreciated your talk; I learned three big things I had never seen before,” your husband will be very grateful for your care in reassuring him.  (“Honey, I’m sorry I’m in turbo mode trying to get out the door. I don’t mean to order you around. However you want to dress the kids is fine. Thanks for doing that.”) Because, remember, he’s not a failure as a father. Or a husband. Or a dishwasher-loader. He may do things differently from you, but he’s a smart man who has a reason for doing things the way he does them.

I will confess, that even after all these years of researching the inner feelings of men, I had never really understood why inadequacy was so painful to them. Not anymore!

As the next step of this ‘aha moment,’ I’m going to explore why this feeling often leads to men simply shutting down.  Stay tuned!

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Find Rest: A Women’s Devotional for Lasting Peace in Busy Life, focuses on a journey to rest even with life’s constant demands.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post This is what inadequacy feels like to your man appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Hurt Feelings? Try This One Thing To Change Your Perspective

After finding herself on the receiving end of her husband’s hurtful behavior one too many times, Andrea questioned me about a principle I shared in my book The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages: it’s important to believe the best of your spouse’s intentions. As she saw it, all that principle does is give your spouse license to hurt you again and again without consequences. “Who cares what their intentions are,” she said, “if the result is pain?” Andrea’s husband says harsh things to her and the kids, then tells her, “I never wanted to hurt your feelings.” Andrea shared her frustration with me: “Who cares that he didn’t want to hurt my feelings! He did. And to me, it seems like if he didn’t want to, he wouldn’t! Why should I let him off the hook, when doing so will free him up to just hurt me again?”

Andrea’s experience sounds like the stories of so many people I’ve talked to. But many of those people started out exactly where she is and ended up with radically wonderful marriages. When I started investigating what they did differently to get there, guess what the number one change was? They decided to believe the best of their spouse’s intentions toward them, even when they were legitimately hurt. In other words, it’s not me giving that advice, it’s them: people who used to be standing exactly where Andrea is, and maybe—if you’ve had similar experiences with your husband—where you are too.

Let me share an example that shows why the principle of believing the best can be such a game-changer:

Look For A Generous Explanation Of His Motives

One woman whose marriage used to be really troubled told me she used to believe many of the same things Andrea did. Then she realized she needed to do something differently or her kids would end up in a broken home. She explained, “Up until then, I perfectly fit that definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.” She said, “My counselor said we were caught in a cycle of negativity, and the next time I was upset I should look for a more generous explanation about his motives. So that night, I decided to start over. I texted him to tell him I was making his favorite lasagna—something I hadn’t done in ages. He said he’d be home at 7:00 pm. And then, as usual, he was really late. Almost an hour. I was steaming mad and assumed he just didn’t care enough to get home on time. But I had promised to look for a more generous explanation. So I held my fire and said ‘Hard day?’ And he started sharing about how difficult this one customer was, and how he couldn’t get out the door. And it was clear he was just waiting for me to start yelling at him.”

“Did you?” I asked. “No. I wanted to. But I forced myself to smile and told myself that it was client demands, not a lack of care, that kept him. It took everything in me, and it honestly felt fake, but I said, ‘Well, I’m glad you’re home. I kept the lasagna warm for you.’ And I served him dinner and ate with him like nothing was wrong. And then it hit me, really strongly: what if nothing was wrong? What if he truly was trying to care for me, and I was always assuming that he wasn’t? We were having this perfectly normal dinner together simply because I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. And I realized: my ability to have this sort of peace all the time is kind of up to me.”

Showing Grace Can Make Your Husband Want To Do Better

You might protest that this is unfair. As one woman indignantly told me when I shared that story with her, “But that is just letting him off the hook! All he’s learned is that he can take her for granted!” No. I eventually interviewed the husband, too, months down the road. And he said he learned the opposite. He said, “I learned that I’m married to an amazing woman. Even when I’m a bonehead, and don’t handle something right, she has grace with me. She believes in me. That makes me want to do better next time, and do whatever I can to not disappoint her again.” Because he felt he didn’t have to be defensive and protect himself all the time, her husband started to open up. They were able to talk about the things they did that hurt each other (like her feeling that his being late signaled that he just didn’t care) and try to make changes. But it started with one person’s willingness to not assume the worst of the other—and then keep it up over months as they tried to get on a better path.

Assume The Best . . . And Break The Cycle

If you’re like Andrea and assume that your man’s motives are to hurt you, my concern is that you may never get to that place. If you’re apt to assume that your husband will always take advantage of you, that’s all you’ll see. You won’t see the man who loves you, even though, statistically, he almost certainly does. As I told Andrea: yes, you can and should question how your husband handles things sometimes. At some other non-emotional time, you can discuss the behavior that hurt your feelings. But don’t assume the worst of why your husband sometimes does it wrong. In other words, be sure to say, “But I know you love me and I don’t think you realize how much this hurts in the moment.” As you deal with hurt feelings, consider breaking the cycle. Don’t continue to fit the definition of insanity. Choose to look for the best . . . and you’ll very likely see that he becomes willing to break the cycle with you.

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Find Rest: A Women’s Devotional for Lasting Peace in Busy Life, focuses on a journey to rest even with life’s constant demands.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post Hurt Feelings? Try This One Thing To Change Your Perspective appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Two Steps to Positively Handle Adult Bullying

Back in graduate school, I clashed repeatedly with one of my classmates, a guy with very strong opinions and a personality to match.  Not being a wilting lily myself, it was easy for me to go to Mach 2 when he would say (in front of the whole class), in a condescending tone, “Shaunti, if you had ever worked in the area we’re talking about, you would know that your approach is how amateurs think.”

I would jump to defend myself (“Actually, I have worked in this area, and my approach was quite successful, thank you very much!”), or I would take umbrage (“Brent, I don’t appreciate your tone”).  But it never worked very well. He would get even more fixed in his corner, and I would get fixed in mine.

And neither of us earned any points in the eyes of our classmates.

Over the years since then, as Jeff and I have conducted our research, I’ve learned many things about how to make relationships work. But what to say to a bully that would actually change anything always eluded me.  It wasn’t until I did the research for The Kindness Challenge that it finally clicked.

Here’s the phrase that most defuses a jerk — and the next steps that, in most cases, will get you both out of your corners and actually moving down a positive path.

Step #1: “I know you don’t mean to be cruel — but you are.”

To interrupt the bully’s demeanor, you have to address the situation directly (“You are being cruel”). But to create actual change, you have to do it with overt kindness (“I know you don’t mean to be”).

Sorry. I know that robs us of the savage satisfaction of an undiluted smack-down.  

But it works. And here’s why.

If you don’t address it at all, their jerkiness will keep working for them. They will keep getting their way, people will keep backing down, or they will continue to get the fight they are looking for. The mean girl at school or the harsh boss at the office will get even more entrenched in their habits.

So you need to address it. The problem is, most of the ways we naturally address a bully (or are told to) will not change their behavior. We “confront” the jerk, or we “put them in their place.”  Standing up to a jerk and telling them their behavior is offensive is often needed — but too often, we simply end there.  Or, on the other end of the spectrum, perhaps we don’t like confrontation, so we downplay it and don’t address it directly enough.  (“You know, um, I might be too sensitive, and it’s not a big deal, but, um, every now and then there’s this thing you say …”)

Neither approach will change a thing.

What we found in the research for The Kindness Challenge is that, as odd as this sounds, giving the jerk the benefit of the doubt (“I know you don’t intend to be so harsh to the people on your team”) is a crucial starting point. In some subconscious way, it appeals to the better parts of their nature and melts through the defenses that the jerky part of their nature has built up over time. It moves them out of their corner, so they can start down a path that might actually lead somewhere. Note: it is not the last step, but the first one.

Step #2: “So this needs to change.  If it doesn’t, here are the consequences. But I believe you can change.”

One of the women in our research told me how her older colleague’s harsh, almost abusive approach to his subordinates was causing chaos and turnover in their whole department. She wasn’t his boss. She had no ability to force him to change. But she went to him and said this:

“Tom, it is important to address something about how you treat your people. We’ve had three people leave just in the last quarter alone. I know you don’t intend to be cruel and harsh. I know that about you. But you need to know, you are being cruel in how you speak to them. For example, in the meeting yesterday, you told Mark to ‘shut up until you have something productive to share.’  That sort of language to anyone isn’t appropriate, much less to a productive employee like Mark. We can’t afford to keep losing good people. I think you may not realize how often you come across as a bully, and it needs to change. If it doesn’t change, I’ll have no choice but to raise this with HR. But I know this can change. What are your thoughts on this?”

Inside, she told me she was incredibly nervous to have this conversation with her peer. But once she started the discussion, directly but with kindness, it was clear that her colleague was listening. He acknowledged that he had probably been too harsh, or hadn’t cared enough about how his words were received. He said, “I probably need to pay more attention to this.”

She said it didn’t change everything overnight, but it was clear he was trying. And over the next few weeks she reinforced it when she saw him handling something well. (“I noticed that you praised Mark’s work to the task force. Great idea.”)  She also calmly pointed out a few instances where he was reverting to bad habits.

Within a month, although he wasn’t close to perfect, he was clearly on a much better trajectory. And so was their team.

This approach certainly will not work with everyone. There will be a small subset of bullies who are truly pathological, or just enjoy abusing others too much to ever change. But in most cases, I suggest you try it. And you will probably see that this direct-but-kind approach will finally bring the change you’ve wanted the whole time.

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Find Rest: A Women’s Devotional for Lasting Peace in Busy Life, focuses on a journey to rest even with life’s constant demands.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post Two Steps to Positively Handle Adult Bullying appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

How to Be ‘All In’ But Have Healthy Boundaries in Your Marriage

One of the key relationship principles I shared in my book The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages is the importance of not holding anything back emotionally. Since the book came out, we’ve heard from a number of people who expressed uncertainty about the balance between being “all in” and having boundaries with our spouse as described in the book Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud.

Do you wonder if boundaries can (or should) be a healthy part of a happy marriage? Maybe you fear that you could become a doormat if you refrain from setting boundaries with your spouse. Is it even possible to be “all in” and still have boundaries?

Please keep in mind: I’m not a counselor! But here’s what I’ve seen in the research.

When I talk about the danger of holding back emotionally and not being “all in,” I’m specifically talking about situations where a spouse is doing things like holding back their heart, keeping secrets, sharing things with a friend that they don’t share with their spouse, or having a secret bank account in order to not fully commit, simply because they don’t want to, or because they have a hard time giving their full trust. (“What happens if he flakes out on me? I’ve got to have a stash on the side just in case.”) I’m not talking about someone who is fully committed to the relationship but must set up guardrails around a difficult situation—like, for example, someone who has a separate bank account because her husband has gambled away the family savings.

Big picture: there’s a huge difference between “drawing a boundary” and “holding back.”

Let’s take a look at that difference:

Healthy Boundaries Protect The Relationship

What we normally think of as “boundaries” are only healthy for a marriage if they are set up with the goal of not just protecting a person but also protecting the relationship. Even in a really serious case—like, say, a marriage suffering from the husband’s volatile anger—a healthy boundaries-oriented protection for the wife (“If you start shouting, you will need to find somewhere else to sleep tonight.”) has the broader goal of trying to teach healthy behavior and ultimately heal the relationship. Of course there are going to be cases (abuse being one!) where protecting the person has to take priority even if it means hurting the relationship. But in most other cases, people don’t want the relationship to be hurt! All of which means that yes, actual boundaries can be used in a healthy, happy marriage—but those situations are probably limited to smaller boundaries that are purposefully designed to keep the relationship healthy.

Boundaries Can Make Your Marriage Stronger

For example, let me share a story I heard from a happy couple I’ll call Rick and Joanie who have been married 30 years. When they were in their first year of marriage, Rick saw a common pattern. Something would happen, he would suspect Joanie wasn’t happy, and he didn’t understand why or what he did to make her mad, so he didn’t know how to address it and prevent it from happening again. He would ask “Are you okay?” and Joanie would turn away and say in a clipped voice, “I’m fine.” Now, he knew she wasn’t fine, she knew she wasn’t fine, and they weren’t getting anywhere. Rick wasn’t a mind reader. So after a few months, Rick put a boundary in place. He said, “I’m not going to play games. If I ask ‘are you okay?’ and you say ‘I’m fine,’ I’m going to believe your words.”

That boundary worked well. Joanie realized that she needed to be more open and honest, and share with Rick what was really going on. And it drew them closer. So that was a case of a healthy boundary being established for the good of the relationship. But boundaries other than those designed to protect the relationship are likely to cause problems rather than solve them. I wanted to get a counselor’s “read” on this, so I consulted with Kim Anderson, a licensed counselor in the Nashville area. Let me conclude with what she wrote back to me:

To Be “All In,” Take Off The Mask—And Experience True Intimacy

In marriage it is essential that we are “all in” and that we don’t hold anything back emotionally. When we hold back a part of ourselves, we lose the opportunity for the true intimacy that we can have with our spouse. Until we can be open, honest, and vulnerable, we can’t experience the beauty that comes from an emotionally healthy relationship. But when we don’t hold back, it means we are willing to show up in our flaws, in our sins, in our messiness, so that we can be seen and loved for who we are, not for the mask that we might wear in public. It doesn’t mean that we don’t still have boundaries, or areas in our lives that are ours. It means that we show up, we do the work, and we keep the mask off.

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Find Rest: A Women’s Devotional for Lasting Peace in Busy Life, focuses on a journey to rest even with life’s constant demands.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post How to Be ‘All In’ But Have Healthy Boundaries in Your Marriage appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

If Only You Knew What Your Husband Was Really Thinking….

In my research with thousands of men for For Women Only, I discovered that the things that light your man up—and the things that hurt him—are quite different from those that would do the same for women. And while we know men are indeed visual and many times “external” in their thinking, there are actually much deeper areas of a man than we might realize. This means that if we want to improve our relationships with the man we love, we must be willing to learn. We must set aside what we think we know about him and see our husband for who he really is on the inside.

Here are four secret inner thoughts going on inside your husband’s mind and heart:

Your Man’s Heart Is Far More Vulnerable Than You Realize

Men and women each have a burning question inside of them—but the two questions are very different. For women, the question goes like this: “Am I loveable, beautiful, and worthy of being loved?” Our question doesn’t go away just because we get married. This is why it’s painful for us when we are in an emotional conflict with our man and he shuts down and withdraws. It triggers our internal question and we need to know that our relationship is still okay.

For men, however, the question looks like this: “Am I able, do I measure up, and am I any good at what I do?” When surveyed, 75-85% of men state that they have this question burning on the inside most of the time. They wonder whether they are any good at what they try to do for you, whether you think they are a good husband, whether you think they measure up. With every little thing they do for you, they are secretly holding their hearts out, wanting to please you yet doubting they are up to the task. Realize when you respond to your husband, you’re responding to the inner, vulnerable man—not the confident-looking outer one.

Your Husband Is Always Looking For Signals About How He Is Doing (And You’re Always Sending Signals Whether You Know It Or Not)

Because of that internal question of whether he’s good enough, your husband is always looking for signals from the people around him about whether he’s doing a good job. (Does my wife think I’m a good dad? Does my co-worker think I have what it takes to run this project?)

When you regularly show discontent (“Why did you send the kids outside without their coats?” or “You got the wrong brand of lunch meat at the grocery store again.”), you send a signal that is as painful to your man as it would be for you to try to hug him during an emotional conflict and he stonily set you aside and said, “I don’t want to talk to you today.” By contrast, when you express appreciation for the little things he does, you affirm your husband in the most tender places of his heart.

The Reason He Needs To Hear Affirmation Is That He Probably Doesn’t See It The Way You Would

Men typically don’t pick up on “vibes” or body language the way many women do so he may truly have no idea how you feel about something he did. He needs to hear your words of affirmation telling him that he’s good enough. He needs to hear how proud you are of his work or just a simple “thank you” for his efforts. Don’t leave it to chance for him to try and figure it out—actually tell him!

“But shouldn’t he just know that I think he’s doing a great job?” I’m asked that question many times at women’s events and I always answer this way: He probably does “know” intellectually that you appreciate him but he still deeply needs to “hear” you say it. Wouldn’t you hate it if he rarely told you that he loves you because he figures you already know? Your words of affirmation reassure his inner question of “Am I good enough?” Your words encourage him and keep him going.

Affirmation In The Bedroom Is The Deepest Salve For His Secret Vulnerability

Women often tend to misunderstand what physical intimacy means to our man. We think of it as a physical need—which can often feel quite optional, especially when our physical need is sleep!

What we must understand is that the importance of sex for a man is primarily emotional. When he knows that you desire him, it gives him confidence about how he’s doing in every other area of his life! When you sexually flirt with him, respond to him in the bedroom, or even initiate intimacy, it says something very powerful to those vulnerable places in his heart: “I do desire you . . . you do measure up . . . you are not alone.”

There are always exceptions but most likely, your man is secretly longing for sexual connection not primarily for physical pleasure, but for a deep connection with you, the woman he loves, and for the deep reassurance that you care, that you believe in him, and he is worth you being one with him in every way.

Beneath the rugged and tough exterior of your man is a much softer and deeper part that he keeps hidden. Learning and understanding these four inner thoughts in his mind and heart will help unlock new levels of your relationship that you may have never seen.

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Find Rest: A Women’s Devotional for Lasting Peace in Busy Life, focuses on a journey to rest even with life’s constant demands.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post If Only You Knew What Your Husband Was Really Thinking…. appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Husbands — Not So Fast With The Intimacy After An Argument

It started off as a nice Saturday, right? Doing yard work together, going for a walk, and even a sitter scheduled for the evening. But then it seemed to go south fast with an argument about paying off the credit card versus taking a vacation at the lake. You want to get your finances under control and she wants to spend time as a family away at your favorite getaway spot. You think she spends money too frivolously and she says you work too much and don’t value relationships over the budget. For now, you agree to disagree but you’re both steaming. 

But guys, you’re eventually ready to cool off and mend the relationship. What better way to make up than to spend a little intimate time together, right? Just one little problem, though: physical intimacy is the farthest thing from her mind. What’s the deal?

Why She Doesn’t Want To Be Intimate

For a woman, physical intimacy isn’t usually the solution to a problem, but rather, evidence that the problem has been resolved. In fact, rather than bridging the gap of emotional distance, it can actually make the problem worse. While physical intimacy helps a man to feel close to his wife, women are just the opposite. Women have to feel close in order to want to be intimate.

Through researching my book For Women Only, I began to understand that physical intimacy plays a huge role in how men feel about themselves. But when my husband Jeff and I surveyed thousands of women for our book For Men Only, we found that a woman’s desire is directly tied into the way her husband treats her. Her body’s ability to respond to you physically is tied to how she feels about you emotionally.

In other words, if your wife is feeling distanced from you emotionally—if you haven’t been talking much, or if you two are at odds due to an argument—her body probably won’t be able to respond to you. So even though you may greatly desire closeness—even if, say, harsh words were spoken between you—her physical response switch might be turned to “off”. 

Feeling and building everyday closeness with your wife is a must, but exactly what does that entail? 

You Can Help Reestablish Closeness

We women need to feel pursued and loved outside the bedroom just as a guy needs to feel physically desired by his wife inside the bedroom. Guys, physical intimacy starts in her heart, so your focus really needs to be on filling her emotional bank account. Think about what you did while you were dating that made her think you were irresistible. It wasn’t just about arranging the big candlelight dinners, was it? I’m guessing you invited her over to watch a movie, cuddle on the couch, and share some popcorn. Maybe you wrote her a little note from time to time telling her you were thinking about her. Or when you disagreed about something, you took the time to really listen to each other and hear each other’s heart behind the conflict. Why not do that now?

She still needs to know that you are smitten with her and that you value her thoughts and feelings, so pursue her and help her feel close to you outside of physically intimate moments. She wants to feel as though you are best friends, that you can talk about anything, and that there are no secrets between you. All of these things help her feel close to you and help her mentally prepare to be physically intimate.

Now, just a quick warning: don’t let physical intimacy be your main intention for creating this day-to-day closeness—your wife will see right through this. Instead, remember to be attentive even when intimacy isn’t an option. Sometimes, hug her just to hug her!

So even though you may be craving physical closeness after an intense talk or an argument, keep in mind that your wife needs to have some emotional recuperation time. Attend to your wife’s heart by pursuing her outside of the bedroom and I’ll bet you’ll be delighted by her reaction!

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Find Rest: A Women’s Devotional for Lasting Peace in Busy Life, focuses on a journey to rest even with life’s constant demands.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post Husbands — Not So Fast With The Intimacy After An Argument appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

He Said, She Said: Political Edition

Every political campaign brings more contention into previously civil political conversation—among friends, Facebook “friends,” family members, and even between husbands and wives. Many of us couldn’t wait for the last election to be over, so some of the division and rancor could stop. But instead of a return to civil public discourse since the election, it seems to have gotten worse. Of course there’s value to impassioned ideals and strongly held convictions. It’s when the expression of those opinions—and how we treat people who disagree with us—turns nasty that relationships can pay the price.

Katelyn and Trent used to be on the same political page, but now they’re very divided. Katelyn says she can’t skim past a cable news channel without her husband trying to force her into a discussion about a political issue. Trent is trying to “convert” her to his viewpoints, she won’t budge, and it’s driving him crazy. They never used to argue but now they seem to argue all the time. He gets mad that she doesn’t want to indulge him. To complicate matters, they’ve raised their teenagers to believe certain things that Trent now feels differently about, so Katelyn has asked him to leave them out of the conversation so they’re not taking turns telling them why the other parent is wrong. But he’s constantly challenging their views, too. Fortunately, they politely listen and go on with their lives, and they’re more concerned right now with their music and iPhones. Katelyn doesn’t agree with a lot of Trent’s views, but he’s a grown-up and she respects his choices. She wonders why he can’t respect hers.

Perhaps you’ve found yourself in that uncomfortable situation with your spouse. How can you—and Katelyn—keep the peace and let your mate know that you don’t want to fight about politics anymore?

We can’t escape politics, so we need to cope—calmly.

I don’t think a place exists where you can escape American politics, so don’t think about buying a plane ticket. And no matter how frustrated you get, don’t lose your cool. If your spouse acts like a political adversary sometimes and thinks you’re wrong about what you believe, blowing up might serve as the “proof” he’s looking for. Yes, it can be hard to have calm discussions about politics when it brings up such emotional, weighty issues. Political beliefs are tied up with other values that are far more important to us than any one political outcome. Which means you might want to carefully consider what is going on.

Trent might be testing new beliefs with Katelyn.

Katelyn’s husband is always trying to launch a conversation about politics, and he wants her to indulge him. Maybe he respects her views—and your husband respects yours—much more than you think. It’s possible that Trent knows he’s changed and is in a different place than Katelyn, and is feeling a little lost. Which could be creating a compulsion to talk things through with someone he does respect. His previous beliefs may not have been firmly rooted. And if so, he could easily be in the sort of crisis of belief that usually happens when kids realize they can hold different views from their parents. Just like a teenager makes strong statements as a way of testing out beliefs—and to process them with a parent—it’s possible that Trent is doing the same thing with Katelyn.

Your spouse might want to share his thoughts with his most trusted friend— you .

Trent and Katelyn are arguing because he wants to talk and she wants to shut down the discussion. Have you ever wanted to do the same, in order to avoid the conflict? Sometimes it seems easier to just not go there. But if you are your mate’s best friend, why wouldn’t he want to discuss his views with you? Perhaps he wants to see that you’ll listen and talk without judging or labeling him. In my research with the happiest couples, one thing they clearly do differently is believe the best of the other person’s intentions—even when there are real irritations. So try believing that he truly wants a conversation and is not simply trying to convince you of how right he is and wrong you are. (“He’s not trying to anger me, he just wants to talk.”)

Set boundaries to keep discussions peaceful.

Don’t get me wrong: I’m not suggesting that you—or Katelyn—overlook it if the way your spouse is talking is inappropriate or aggressive. When that line gets crossed, we stop hearing opinions because attitude and approach are getting in the way. So he’s not likely to convince you of anything anyway. It’s a good idea to have boundaries that say, for example, “Honey, I just can’t handle it when your voice rises; it makes me feel anxious and insecure.” The key is helping our man understand under what conditions we will be willing to talk.

Keep the conversation going.

Because if we don’t talk, we might be pushing our spouse away when he really needs us. He might feel that if he can’t be honest and vulnerable about his political beliefs, he can’t be honest and vulnerable about other things that are even more important. And eventually, he will stop talking about it. But if some of the things he believes contradict your values, wouldn’t you prefer he works through his thoughts with you, rather than with random people at the office? Chances are, he’s discussing it elsewhere also, but don’t you want to be the main person he talks to? If Trent is going to be willing to reconsider his new beliefs and perhaps re-embrace his old ones, Katelyn needs to continue sharing why she believes what she does—and let Trent do the same. If we’re willing to listen and swap ideas—calmly and openly—political peace is possible. And relationship peace is certainly more likely if we’re communicating with our spouses than if we aren’t.

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Find Rest: A Women’s Devotional for Lasting Peace in Busy Life, focuses on a journey to rest even with life’s constant demands.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post He Said, She Said: Political Edition appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.