Shaunti Feldhahn's Blog, page 38

One New Thing I’m Doing This Year

Welcome to a new year! I can’t believe it’s 2019 already! I know everyone’s kids are going back to school (including mine) and we’re settling back in to work and home routines. There’s something so great about a fresh start, isn’t there? New calendars. New goals, new projects.

I want to share something I am doing this year, in case any of you want to take up this challenge as well. Now let’s acknowledge that to some degree, a new year is an artificial time for a new start. We really need to keep our eyes on what God is asking us to do and ways we should be growing at ALL times. But realistically, there’s something helpful about being prompted to take stock, right? Otherwise, it is easiest to just keep doing what we always do; we simply don’t ask ourselves whether something needs to change.

But God is always moving, always working—and we are called to join Him. The question is, are we listening?

This year, I’m circling back to doing something I used to do consistently: journaling during my prayer time. I have been thinking a lot these last few weeks about the importance of writing down what I feel God might be saying to me—whether it’s about the day ahead or the year ahead. So in the mornings as I pray, I have my journal open. I write down my prayers . . . and then write down the things I feel God is laying on my heart.  

It’s not a perfect process—but these days when my thoughts and my days can be so scattered, it keeps me focused. And it has led not only to a greater sense of intimacy with the Lord, but also tangible ideas, prayers, suggestions and answers that I can go back and refer to later on.

By the way—I just have to mention this: if you want a new and beautiful journal for this new start, we now have our recently released (and absolutely gorgeous) Find Rest Journal. (I truly don’t mean to make this a commercial—I’m just super excited about it!)

As for me, my path forward over the next few months is going to be based around the most intense stages of finishing our research and writing the next book that Jeff and I are working on (click here to read more). I know I definitely need this journaling time to help keep me focused on the next right step, every step of the way.

I want to encourage all of us in this new season to really be purposeful in praying for God’s path forward for us—and then writing it down! Happy New Year, friends.

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Find Rest: A Women’s Devotional for Lasting Peace in Busy Life, focuses on a journey to rest even with life’s constant demands.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post One New Thing I’m Doing This Year appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Here’s the Best Way to Tell Your Man You Appreciate Him (Besides Sex!)

Every day, our men wake up and head out to “conquer” the world. Or, rather, the worlds of work, finances, home, school, kids’ activities, sports… We think we understand that, right?

Turns out, we don’t. Not quite. Because in his mind, it isn’t about “juggling” everything. Instead, every one of those spheres have a very, very specific set of expectations of him. Expectations that he is desperately trying to meet. And at a deep level, he doubts that he is adequate to the task.

You see, a man may look confident on the outside, but on the inside, he is constantly asking himself, “Do I measure up?” Do I measure up as a provider and protector? As the husband my wife needs? As a dad? I want to be a great dad… but am I? Every day he is pouring out his effort… and wondering whether the most important person in his life thinks he has hit the mark.

So how can you invest in him in return? How can you show him that he is a great husband or father? Believe it or not, one of the most powerful ways to show your husband how you feel about him, is by looking for daily opportunities to say two little words: “thank you.”

In my research For Women Only and The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, I interviewed and surveyed thousands of men, in part to solve one thorny problem: what is it that you can say to a man that conveys all you feel about him? After all, guys kind of get off easy in the “what to say” department, right? When he says those precious words, “I love you,” we hear ten different things. Not just I feel such affection for you, but sentiments like You’re mine and I would choose you all over again.

The problem is, the men in the research broke the news that, for them, hearing “I love you” is nice but really doesn’t have that same sort of emotional impact. Instead, what deeply touches your husband’s heart is “thank you.” “Thank you for clipping the hedges even though you weren’t feeling well today.” “Thank you for being willing to pick up the kids when I got stuck in a meeting – you’re a wonderful husband.” “Thank you for working so hard to support the family.”

Those sentiments are stuff we may think but we don’t say often enough. And since a man’s primary need is appreciation and respect, we need to get in the habit of saying it! I had one man tell me that he worked a grueling job as a sales executive. He would come home drained and tired after long hours and late-night meetings. His wife would give him a huge hug, and say, “Thank you for how you provide for our family. You do such a great job!” He says, “Those words were all the encouragement I needed. Hearing ‘thank you’ means that she noticed what I did, appreciates it, and says it was good.” He said it makes him feel like he has on a superman cape, and can take on the world!

I know that to us, it sounds so impossible that those two little words could make such a difference emotionally. So don’t take my word for it: try it. The next time your husband is heading out the door for work or completing a chore in the yard, make an investment in his emotional bank account by saying “thank you.” Let him know you see what he has done, and appreciate his efforts. Your deposit of respect and appreciation will speak volumes to his heart.

And don’t give up if it takes a while to see him respond. Usually, a purposeful attention to saying “thank you” will show dividends immediately, but sometimes hurts and doubt have built a wall that takes a while to overcome. So make this a long-term investment in your relationship and don’t give up. Just like a seed that is planted and has to be watered, an investment may not always deliver results right away – but in time it will grow to produce something beautiful.

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Find Rest: A Women’s Devotional for Lasting Peace in Busy Life, focuses on a journey to rest even with life’s constant demands.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post Here’s the Best Way to Tell Your Man You Appreciate Him (Besides Sex!) appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Merry Christmas!

From all of us here – from Shaunti and Jeff, their core team, and the the whole crew of writers, researchers, and advisors – we wish you and your family a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Sincerely,

Shaunti, Jeff, and their team

Core team from right: Eileen, Charlyn, Katie, Shaunti, Caroline (in Atlanta) and Naomi (photoshopped in from Oregon)

The post Merry Christmas! appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

My Secret Project is Finally Here! And Just In Time For Christmas!

I’ve been working on a special project and it’s finally here—just in time for Christmas, or those New Year’s Resolutions!

Introducing the Find Rest Journal!

This artistic journal is so beautiful that I think I literally squealed when I first saw it. (Embarrassing, I know!) It has truly lie-flat pages for easy writing, filled with design, inspiring scripture and quotes. It’s a wonderful gift for yourself, your sister, the women in your Bible Study…

It can be either a companion to my devotional Find Rest: A women’s devotional for lasting peace in a busy life or a stand-alone journal. It will help you spend time with God, remember His biblical promises, and reflect on your journey to find rest in your busy life.

I’d say that’s a really great way to start off the New Year, wouldn’t you?

Merry Christmas, friends!

Shaunti   

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Find Rest: A Women’s Devotional for Lasting Peace in Busy Life, focuses on a journey to rest even with life’s constant demands.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post My Secret Project is Finally Here! And Just In Time For Christmas! appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

It’s Here! A Bible Study for Busy Women!

I have an exciting announcement to make to all you ladies out there. If any of you have longed for help in figuring out how to balance and juggle all the things going on in your busy lives (wait, isn’t that all of us?!) I have a Bible study just for you.

I’m so thrilled to announce . . . Find Balance: Thriving In a Do-It All World!

As some of you know, I used to have a Bible study called The Life Ready Woman, published by a large family ministry. Ever since they discontinued that line of Bible studies, we had been praying for a way to republish it—and God has provided an amazing answer!

My partners at iDisciple are republishing the Bible study as Find Balance: Thriving in a Do-It-All-World. And for a limited time only, you can purchase a special edition, which includes not only the Bible study but a beautiful laptop/tablet envelope and two custom quote art prints (click here to order the Limited Edition.)

As anyone who did the original Bible study will tell you, it is an incredible journey for any woman wanting to know how to find that balance that we are all longing for. The truth is, in God’s Word, He does give us exactly that blueprint. It is all about living according to our callings and our design, the way that God has individually made each one of us. Where we find the spot that God has crafted for us—where we find God’s best for us—that’s where we will thrive.

If you are a woman interested in Bible studies, a leader of women, or a member of a friend group or small group of women, please take a look at the short video describing the study. Look at Session 1 of Find Balance and the short workbook pages. (And over time, more resources will be available on FindBalanceBook.com.)

I think you’ll see what a blessing this study will be for you, your friends and the women you serve.

Here’s to a happy, healthy and balanced new year, friends!

Shaunti

The post It’s Here! A Bible Study for Busy Women! appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Men, Improve Your Love Life by Taking Care of Yourself

Guys, is your wife constantly encouraging—or even nagging—you to take better care of yourself? I recently heard from a man who thought he was doing a decent job in that area. He—like you, perhaps—works out sometimes and tries to eat healthy when he can, although he does enjoy junk food and (literally!) gets caught with his hand in the cookie jar a bit too often. Lately, he’s noticed that his wife is less receptive to his advances and doesn’t seem to be as passionate about him as she was before. And almost every night after dinner she asks him to go to the gym or take walk with her. He asked me how to get her off his back and get the romantic side of their relationship back on track. 

Well, I honestly think this guy is completely missing the point of what his wife has been trying to tell him! If he wants her to respond to his advances, he’s going to have to address her concerns. Because, believe it or not, husbands, how healthy you are really matters to your wife. And she might not think you’re doing as good a job at taking care of yourself as you think you are.

She’s not unusual in caring about this, by the way. Even though women aren’t as “visual” as men are, the effort men put into taking care of themselves and being healthy has a huge impact on women. Why? I saw two things in my research that you really need to know.

Your wife cares about your health because she wants you around!

First, your wife cares about whether you’re taking care of yourself because she loves you and wants you around! I have heard so many women say things like, “Doesn’t he understand how important it is to me that he stays healthy so I have the security that he is going to be around for a long time? I want to grow old together!”

Guys may not realize it, but when they’re in front of the TV multiple nights in a row, double-fisting Oreos, it can register in a woman’s heart as, “It must not matter to him how much I need him.” You might be surprised to know that it’s not just about what you eat, or about taking a walk after dinner, either. The big health issues matter too. Women need to see that their man will actually go to the doctor—and then do what they recommend—when something seems wrong, rather than being stubborn about it!

Taking care of yourself pays off in the bedroom.

The second reason your health matters to her gets back to that bedroom thing. I know from my research that every man wants to feel desired by his wife—and that feeling of being desired gives him confidence in every other area of his life. However, what many men don’t realize is how much their wives’ sexual desire is hindered by their own lack of effort to take care of themselves. In fact, in my women’s conferences I’ve heard a lot of women say, “Doesn’t he get it? It’s hard to find him desirable when he doesn’t take care of himself!”

As my husband, Jeff, puts it when he talks to men’s groups, “If we want our wives to find us desirable and provide them security, that means we have to make the effort to take care of ourselves, too. Most guys wish their wives would be more receptive in the bedroom, but we’re not seeing our role in the disconnect. In our interviews and surveys of women, many of them have privately said, ‘You know, it’s hard to be receptive and passionate towards a guy with a two-day-old beard and garlic breath!’”

Team up with your spouse to pursue your health goals together.

So men, what can you do about your wife’s concerns about your health? For starters, take her desire for your well-being seriously. And if she’s offered to support you by partnering up for walks, workouts, or other healthy endeavors, take her up on it! Be more active and watch what you eat. Even (gasp!) go to the doctor when you feel sick or you have some other health issue. These small gestures will make her feel really loved. And I bet that love will translate into a desire to be with you and receptiveness to your advances.

Having a shared goal towards health can be a real encouragement as you see the other person make the effort to care for themselves. What a great way to honor each other—now and for a very long time to come!

 

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Find Rest: A Women’s Devotional for Lasting Peace in Busy Life, focuses on a journey to rest even with life’s constant demands.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post Men, Improve Your Love Life by Taking Care of Yourself appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Improve Your Sex Life by Accommodating Your Wife’s Needs

After hearing yet another variation on the “not tonight, dear, I have a headache,” Dan turned over and tried to go to sleep. Disappointed and frustrated, he wondered why he always had to be the one to initiate sex, and when he did, his wife was frequently less than enthusiastic or altogether uninterested. Even though the question “Will we have sex tonight?” crossed his mind just about every day, when he made romantic advances his wife often seemed caught by surprise, as if she was totally unprepared for the possibility of romance. In every other way their relationship was great, but Dan was starting to wonder what he could do to make himself more desirable so his wife would be more attracted to him and more interested in sex.

Sound familiar? It just might, if you’re experiencing the same frustration with your sex life. To me, this sounds like the typical married male who wants more sex than he gets. (Ladies, if you have the higher drive in your marriage, check out our special article series “When She Has the Stronger Sex Drive.”) The good news is that if Dan’s wife and your wife are like most other women, this likely has nothing to do with your attractiveness or desirability!

Let’s take a look at how how men and women differ in this important area of married life.

Men have “assertive desire” and are ready for sex very quickly.

My surveys of men and women have found that most of the time when there’s a difference in desire, it isn’t because of the husband’s desirability. Instead, it’s probably mostly a physiological difference between men and women. See, with more testosterone, most men have what is called “assertive desire,” and want to pursue sex and are ready very quickly. That’s why Dan can get into bed, snuggle up next to his wife, and immediately be ready to enjoy some intimate time with her.

Women need anticipation time.

But women have far less testosterone. So although most women enjoy sex when it’s happening, they just don’t think about it as much and—here’s the key—aren’t ready at a moment’s notice. A woman needs what we call “anticipation time”—time to think about it so she can be ready to enthusiastically enjoy your time together rather than being surprised by it. That’s why Dan’s wife sometimes seems caught by surprise when he makes his move—she’s just not ready like he is.

Accommodate your wife’s needs by giving her anticipation time.

Your wife probably needs to know what you’ve got on your menu for the evening before you get to the bedroom! Although you might think that if you were more desirable she wouldn’t need that anticipation time, remember that she is simply physically different from you. Dan began sending his wife sweet, flirtatious texts during the day and sharing a bit of silly but sexy love talk while they were cleaning up the kitchen after dinner. As a result, she was able to not just be prepared, but to look forward to their intimate time together later in the evening. So give it a try—make a little flirting comment early in the day (yes, that is a nice outfit, and maybe tonight you can see her with even less on) and get your wife thinking about it… and I bet both of you will enjoy the results!

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Find Rest: A Women’s Devotional for Lasting Peace in Busy Life, focuses on a journey to rest even with life’s constant demands.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post Improve Your Sex Life by Accommodating Your Wife’s Needs appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

After You’re Married, Keep Dating Your Wife (It is Much Easier Than You Think)

Guys, in Part 1 we revealed that your wife doesn’t feel forever loved and happy just because you declared your forever love and married her. It reminds me of that groaner of a joke about the man whose wife complained that he rarely said ‘I love you.’ His response: “Why do I need to tell you that I love you? I told you when we got married; if anything changes, I’ll let you know!”

Although that joke gets well-deserved eye rolls from everyone, most guys secretly understand what that man was saying: Why does she ask whether I love her?  We’re married! Of course I love her! She knows that. Right?

Actually: wrong. Fully 82% of women in our research have an unspoken question about “am I loveable?” and “does he really love me?” that doesn’t go away in marriage. Your wife is asking that unspoken question every day, and you are answering it “yes” or “no” every day –whether you realize it or not.

Answering that question “yes” in the little things of life, every day, is the way to make your wife happy.

There are many simple ways to do that.  Here are four, to get you started: 

Make Her Happy Action #1: Continue to go on dates.

You might have thought you were off the hook for initiating the date nights out or other activities that were designed to win her over before you were married. But you’re not!  She’s a smart woman, and she has realized that the best way to ensure that your attention is pulled away from the house/kids/yard/work and focused on the two of you, is to have time together. That makes her very happy.

Having dinner with your small group from church, taking her to a company party, or going out to breakfast with the in-laws is great, but isn’t a date.  She needs (and deserves) your undivided attention. Set aside schedules and projects for a few hours. Escape the busyness of life and just enjoy being together.

The good news is: dates with your wife don’t have to be extravagant or meticulously planned. They can be simple, casual and inexpensive; matching your schedules to grab lunch together, meeting for coffee while little Jessica is at ballet, or getting a babysitter and going to a movie.  Dating your wife is an investment that pays big dividends in the long-term health and happiness of your marriage.

The important thing is that your wife feels special, pursued, and loved. Because of her hidden vulnerability, your wife’s “I do” will always mean “Do you?” Dating her keeps her answering it well.

Make Her Happy Action #2: Spend time together, regardless of what you’re doing

It turns out: spending time together strengthens your marriage, no matter what you are doing.

This is where breakfast with the in-laws or dinner with your friends from church does count. This is where doing a hobby together, sitting on the couch and watching TV, or hiking with the kids does make a difference in your marriage.  In fact, spending time together is a powerful predictor of a happy marriage, according to survey respondents from the research for my book The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages. Survey results showed that 83% of “very happy” couples spent time together at least weekly.  

Looking for ways to connect and strengthen the friendship between the two of you will always make your wife very happy.

Make Her Happy Action #3: Put down your phone, turn off the TV and listen to her – so that it is obvious that you’re listening

Want a quick “wow” from your wife?  When she starts sharing something important about her day, or is telling a story about how her sister stood her up for lunch again, stop what you’re doing, put your attention on her, and listen.  

Make a point of showing her that your attention is on her.  For example, if she’s upset about something that happened at work, sit down at the kitchen table instead of continuing upstairs to change out of your work clothes.  Pull out a chair and sit and listen –and pull out a chair for her as well. Put your phone on the counter, so you aren’t distracted. She will feel very loved.

Make Her Happy Action #4: Do the little daily things that say “I would choose you all over again.”

You chose a wonderful woman to be your wife. After the wedding, she needs you to keep choosing her. And you can do that with the simplest actions.  Like putting your arm around her in church. Like taking her hand when you are crossing a parking lot.  Like calling her for no reason, just to say hi. Like apologizing when you’ve been in a funk and reassuring her that the two of you are okay.  Like sending her a text message during the day that says, “I was just watching some drama play out at work, and feeling so grateful for how kind and generous you are.  I really scored when I met you. I love you.”

We promise: she will screenshot and save that text message.

The good news is: even if you hadn’t realized how vital these actions are to making your wife happy, now you know.  They are super simple. You can start right now.

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Find Rest: A Women’s Devotional for Lasting Peace in Busy Life, focuses on a journey to rest even with life’s constant demands.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post After You’re Married, Keep Dating Your Wife (It is Much Easier Than You Think) appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

A personal note from Shaunti about survey testing

I want to thank everybody who is digging in and helping us with our latest research project! As many of you know, our next book and research study is investigating why couples fight or have tension about money, why they do or don’t talk about money, and so on. Essentially, it is all about what is underneath our responses to money. Why do some of us avoid talking about the budget? Why might I hypothetically have snuck in some bags from Target the other day, hoping Jeff didn’t see them – even though he knows I don’t go crazy with spending? And why is it that some couples actually enjoy talking about money? (Um, if that’s you, I want to interview you!)

We’re in the final research stretch, enlisting people to ask their friends, colleagues, activity groups, and neighbors to take test surveys (which, as always, are completely anonymous). This allows us to ensure the questions and answer choices are understandable before we pull the trigger on the main nationally-representative (and very expensive!) survey at the end of January. (Test survey-takers will be entered into drawings for gift cards; we’ll notify you by email and congratulate you on our Facebook page. We’ll also send a thank you to those who are arranging the test survey groups.)

So this is a big thank you to all of you who have been helping us! Whether you’ve organized a test or have taken a survey, you are an integral part in giving us feedback that will eventually help hundreds of thousands of marriages in the years to come.

And if anyone else in interested in helping set up survey groups, click here for more information. We’d love to have you be a part of the process!

Thank you again, friends. We couldn’t do this without you!

-Shaunti

The post A personal note from Shaunti about survey testing appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Marriage Itself Doesn’t Make Your Wife Happy

Guys, if you think things are going fine in your marriage, but you hear your wife asking perplexing questions like, “Do you really love me?” or “What happened to the romance?” see her questions as red flashing warning lights. They are alerting you to something you need to take seriously. (Thankfully, based on years of research into how women think, those issues are also fairly simple to address, which we will outline in Part 2!)

I heard this example recently… does it ring any bells for you? Dave was very content in his new marriage. From his perspective, the chase was over, the conquest complete. The stress of wooing Monica and planning a wedding was behind them and a lifetime of companionship was in front of them. He loved coming home to his wife each night after work, making progress on various home improvement projects, having dinner together, and – especially — going to bed together. Life was good.

But nine months later, he was stunned when in the middle of a normal dinner, tears started leaking down Monica’s cheeks as she described feeling “lonely.” Dave was tempted to chalk it up to “that time of the month,” until she reminded him that it wasn’t. Until he remembered that several times she had said perplexing things like, “It’s as if you care more about DIY projects than about me” and “It’s like I’m only here for food and sex.” Those phrases made no sense to him, so he had brushed them off.

But Dave loved his wife, and he wondered: what if she really isn’t as happy as I am?

Guys, we know you want to make your wife happy.  It is a huge motivator for you. But here’s a key truth: the things that make you happy are probably not the same things that make your wife happy.

You are thrilled with togetherness and sex. For your wife, those are good things – but what she most needs is to connect with you in actual conversation and to be reassured of your love each day. 

In talking with Monica, here’s what I heard: after the emotional high of the wedding, their life together had settled into days of work, evenings of chores and home projects, and weekends of errands and more home projects. She felt like she rarely saw the guy who used to love having her come with him to Home Depot, just to wander the aisles and pick out the right hardware for the kitchen cabinets. Now Dave would come home, disappear into whatever corner of their fixer-upper he was working on, and only reappear for dinner and bedtime. What happened to the guy who took her on her first balloon ride, made sure they went out to do something together at least once a week, and called her during his lunch break just to say hi?

In talking to Dave, what I heard was, “But… well… we’re married now!” In his mind, those phone calls or weekly evenings out were no longer needed, because his wife knew how much he loved her. Because they were married.

Guys, here’s the big surprise for most men: getting married doesn’t miraculously make your wife feel permanently loved. Instead, she needs your attention every day. 

Why?

It turns out that even the most confident women have a hidden vulnerability that wonders “Am I loveable?” And in marriage that doesn’t go away. It simply morphs to “am I loveable… and does he really love me?”  In our research 82% of women had that question.  So I can assure you: Your wife is probably asking that question every day.  And every day you are answering it either “yes” or “no.”

So how do you answer it well? Part 2 will outline that. But the key point is: after you’re married, pay attention to her just like you did when you were hoping to make her your bride. You don’t need all the candlelight dinners and over-the-top efforts, but in the simple day to day things, keep dating your wife!

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Find Rest: A Women’s Devotional for Lasting Peace in Busy Life, focuses on a journey to rest even with life’s constant demands.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post Marriage Itself Doesn’t Make Your Wife Happy appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.