Shaunti Feldhahn's Blog, page 36

A Big Announcement From Shaunti!

Hey everybody! I want to announce something very exciting that we have been working on for a year now. This new project is the culmination of months of work and partnership with my friends at FamilyLife.

I love drumrolls so . . . drumroll please! 

We are launching a new podcast called “Questions Every Wife Is Asking!” 

FamilyLife is full steam ahead in launching a series of podcasts—one of which is specifically targeted at marriage, called “Married With Benefits” (isn’t that a great name?!) And I’m thrilled that the first season of this podcast will be me and Brian Goins, the VP of Content Development at FamilyLife, diving into Questions Every Wife is Asking.  

As he puts it: “It is a secret society of women and one token man daring to tackle the questions that you always wanted to know, but didn’t know who to ask!” And everything we discuss (including bringing in special guests from time to time) is based on my extensive research on how men think, Brian’s incredible insight and willingness to be vulnerable as a guy, and the accumulated expertise of us and FamilyLife over many years.  

Brian and I have way too much fun on “Questions Every Wife Is Asking” as we cover big questions, little questions, and even ridiculous questions us wives are secretly wondering about the men in our lives. We may talk one day about why our husbands get so angry at something “minor,” or why such a great guy would even be tempted by porn, to silly questions like, “Why does my husband always try to carry all the groceries in at once?!” 

And ladies, if there’s anything you’ve ever wondered about your husband—why he does this or what was he thinking?!—this is your opportunity to send us a note and ask those questions. You may just hear your question on a podcast soon—because if you’re asking, most likely many other wives are asking it, too! 

I can’t wait for you to join us on this adventure! I hope you enjoy it, find benefit from it and share it with your friends. 

Here’s our big request: if you love this topic, know others who might, and/or know others who love to check out new podcasts, would you share this announcement with your friends? For this podcast to get the attention it needs to be sustainable, we would love as many downloads as possible in this launch season!!!

Here’s to being Married With Benefits . . . and to answering Questions Every Wife Is Asking! 

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Find Peace: A 40-day Devotional Journey For Moms, focuses on discovering biblical direction to become a woman of serenity and delight in all seasons – and have impact for generations to come.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post A Big Announcement From Shaunti! appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

So THIS Beautiful Thing Just Happened . . . And I’m Thrilled!

Things have been busy around here but I needed to take a moment to tell you some wonderful news! I am excited to announce that my second devotional from iDisciple is HERE! It is a project near and dear to my heart—and I’m thrilled to let you know it is especially written for mothers (and just in time for Mother’s Day!

It’s called Find Peace: A 40-day Devotional Journey for Moms and I’m so proud to add it to what we are now affectionately calling “The Find Series.”

We Moms Need Peace, Am I Right?

Many of you know that I was excited last year to put out my first devotional, Find Rest. I dove into uncovering what science and scripture have to say about finding true rest in a frenzied, do-it-all world. And now with Find Peace, I’m particularly excited to show how us moms can find true peace in a world where it is so easy to quickly swivel from overwhelming love and joy in our children . . . to so many opportunities for anxiety and worry!

I don’t know about you, but when I’m worried about something with my kids, my mind can come up with some pretty spectacular scenarios. Am I right, ladies? Our minds go in all sorts of directions when something goes wrong. When I found out that my daughter, away for the first time at college, was very ill, it was like this giant worry balloon filled my brain: How is she doing? Is she getting worse? Will I need to go down there and take her to the doctor? Or a few years back, when I was worried about my son being bullied: Is he going to be able to make friends? What will happen to his future? Is he ever going to get married? (By the way, this is hilarious because I was worried about bullying in elementary school and also marriage?! At the same time?!)

And that’s not even considering the times when there is a truly bad illness or diagnosis or injury. Or an unsafe living situation. Or dealing with consequences from bad choices. We are so at risk for living with anxiety instead of peace.

But the bottom line is that Jesus wants us to live a life of peace. And He’s promised us peace . . . even in the midst of the storm.

Here’s A Sneak Peek At The Main Theme Of The Devo!

Here’s the premise I share at the opening of the devotional. Remember when Jesus spoke his famous words while crossing the stormy Sea of Galilee one night and He told the wind and the waves to be at peace? Well, a lot of His disciples were fishermen. Every fisherman intimately knew that the topography of the Sea of Galilee created sudden ferocious squalls that would come up out of nowhere. So they knew evening was a crazy time to set out across the sea, much less in what was presumably a small, very basic boat.  

They probably thought that because they were with Jesus, they wouldn’t encounter a terrible storm.

We sometimes think that too.

But they did. And we do.  

Jesus showed them, and us, something crucial. While he doesn’t always prevent the storms, He is with us in the middle of them. He can give us peace—we can have peace—even in the midst of the winds and waves of life as a mom.

Ladies, this project has been a privilege to work on and to research and discover what science and scripture has to say about finding peace on this motherhood journey. It’s for you. It’s for me. It’s for all of us moms, together. I pray it is a blessing to you all.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post So THIS Beautiful Thing Just Happened . . . And I’m Thrilled! appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

My Latest Book Update (AKA “Coming Out of the Writing Cave”)

Hey, everybody! I’m coming out of my writing cave for a few short minutes to give you all an update on the progress of our book deadline. Also, I’d love to ask for a specific prayer request.

Jeff and I are about halfway through with the book (click here to read more about our Love and Money book project with Thrivent) and we have realized in the last few weeks that we are not going to make the original book deadline. The publisher had already extended it for us because of everything going on with my dad but they were very kind to give us another couple of weeks. So now the final (FINAL!!!) deadline is mid-May and we are racing to meet it.

The thing I’d love prayer for is this: there is SO much we could put in this book. The chapters that we’re going to be turning into our editor are probably about double the size they need to be (which is probably why it is taking so long to write this thing!) But it also means that we need wisdom to know how to cut this down to a small, accessible, easy-to-read book to help couples understand how to thrive in love AND money. So many times money becomes an issue in marriage and now that we’ve seen the research, we know it doesn’t have to be. What a difference it makes if we can understand where our spouse is coming from (and surprise—there are even some of things we didn’t know about ourselves when it comes to our relationship with money!)

I’m excited about what we’ve found and about this book but we’re also very aware that in order to help couples, we know it has to be in a format that will be easily read. We would love your prayers for us to hear from God how to cut down all the stuff we would love to put in so that we know only what we NEED to put in.

So that’s the latest! Going back to my writing cave now. Looking forward to resurfacing in mid-May!

Shaunti

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Find Peace: A 40-day Devotional Journey For Moms, focuses on discovering biblical direction to become a woman of serenity and delight in all seasons – and have impact for generations to come.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post My Latest Book Update (AKA “Coming Out of the Writing Cave”) appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

A Letter to our Teenage Daughters About How They Dress

Dear Girls,

Can we have an honest conversation about something that might be a little awkward? It’s not about sex . . . at least directly. But it is about boys and sex and what they think when they see girls, and all the images that swirl around in their brains. It’s an especially important conversation because, as I was scrolling through social media the other day, I couldn’t help but feel a burden for you when I saw picture after picture from a recent school dance—and there was one common factor in all of them.

Girls wearing short, short (short, short, short!) skirts and dresses. As in “don’t bother trying to pick up anything on the floor if you drop it” kind of outfits.

Oh, girls, I know you might not want to hear this. And I can understand why your first gut reaction may be to think, “I can wear whatever I want and it’s no one’s business but my own.” I used to think that, too. But I need to let you in on a few discoveries I made when I interviewed thousands of men and teenage boys for my books For Women Only and For Young Women Only. And I think the results might surprise you a little (or possibly A LOT!)

Ready or not, here they are:

Discovery #1: A Guy Can’t Not Be Tempted By The Sight

Picture the most honorable guy you know; someone who is kind, mature, and really respects girls. Do you have him in your mind?

When he sees you, all done up with great hair and makeup and heels—and THAT dress—he’s going to automatically want to look at you. Nearly all guys admitted that they couldn’t “not be attracted” to a girl near them who had a great body (only 4% said they were unaffected).

“What’s wrong with that? I want to look attractive. Who wouldn’t?” you might be thinking. I get that. But read on. Because here is what is actually happening in his brain.

When that guy sees you—this attractive girl who is drawing attention to her figure (even though you may not think of it that way)—a part of his brain called the nucleus accumbens is automatically stimulated. Instantly, even the most honorable guy is instinctively tempted to want to visually take in, linger on and fantasize about all the details of this great body he’s seeing. That doesn’t mean he does that (we’ll get into that in a moment), but he is instantly tempted to.  

Even if he doesn’t want to be tempted. Even if he wants to be honorable and not think of you that way.

And he’s not the only guy in the room. So if you dress in a barely-there outfit, not only your date but every other guy in the room (and not to freak you out, but EVEN the dads who are there at the picture party) sees you, notices how little you’re wearing and has the same temptation.

After taking pictures before a dance recently, a friend reached out and said her husband was still reeling from how short the dresses were in the group of about 30 kids heading to their event. As a father, he was horrified that the boys were going to be having to fight that visual temptation all night. And because he’s a man, he understands exactly what that visual temptation is. Let’s tackle that next.

Discovery #2 A Guy is Automatically Tempted to Sexually Fantasize About the Good Body He’s Seen

Take a deep breath, ladies, because this is what we are most clueless about: even the most honorable guy is tempted to imagine what you look like underneath that dress. Or that low-cut top. Or those leggings.

If the dress is a bit longer, the top less revealing, or you’re wearing something that covers more of the leggings, that center in his brain isn’t biologically triggered, and that temptation doesn’t arise in the same way. But if he is seeing that super-short dress over your beautiful body, he is tempted to picture just your body, totally unclothed. On our survey, 85% of the anonymous guys surveyed admitted they might be imagining the girl naked. And let’s just say it: the guy is tempted to picture you that way, with him.

Also, keep in mind that this is not just your date or your boyfriend. This is any guy—all your guy friends from school, your friend’s brother, his father, and the total strangers at the restaurant while you’re eating dinner before the dance. One told us, “When we see a hot girl, the first 10 seconds of a guy’s thoughts are pretty raw. We go straight into fantasy mode. And we have to really work to pull things back.”

Now, the fact that this is a temptation is no excuse for a guy giving into it! There is no excuse for a guy’s poor behavior. Hear me on this: I am not blaming you for anything. What you are wearing is not the cause of a guy’s poor choices. Those choices are his alone. But as the mom of a teenage girl, who has interviewed and surveyed thousands of teenage girls and guys, I want you to be aware of this knowledge that you probably didn’t know before.

Discovery #3: There IS a Difference Between Temptation and Sin

I know not everyone shares my Christian faith. But let’s go to how God describes all this for a minute.

You may be surprised that most guys (including guys you like and trust, who are honorable, kind, and sweet) are tempted in this way. It’s important to remember that these involuntary temptations are not sins. It’s how their brains are wired. But what is done with these temptations is the issue.

And this is where we go back to thinking about the most honorable guy you know.  He probably wants to honor you and respect you—including in his thought life. The problem is, the sensual images and the sensual temptation arrives involuntarily in his mind even though he probably doesn’t want it there. And at that moment, he has to make a choice: he can either enjoy and dwell on the feelings associated with these thoughts and images, OR do the necessary work to get rid of them. And many, many guys do.  

One guy told us how difficult it is when they have these images popping up in their heads and how much he wanted to respect the girls around them. He said, “Entertaining the naked image of a girl I know would do injustice to her.”

One young man from our church seemed to withdraw into himself as he was talking about it. “I hate this temptation,” he said, quietly. “I wish I could turn it off. But it’s on every Netflix show. Every class. And I like the girls in my class. I don’t want to be a jerk to them.”

While few guys can stop these involuntary images from popping up in their heads, they can exercise the strength and discipline to stop themselves from continuing to think about them.

So here’s the question for you, ladies: Is it safe to say that with these guys we care about, who are working to respect us, in a culture that is already quite difficult for them, maybe we should consider how we might help them in that process?

How You Can Help #1: Put Yourself In His Shoes

So what can you do to help the guys with this issue? Go to Prom in a turtleneck and overalls? Of course not! But there are a few things you can do:

Put yourselves in a guy’s shoes. What must it be like to have to constantly be concerned about dishonoring the girls you know and care about? A teacher once told me that in order to help the girls in her high school class realize how difficult it was for the boys to avoid looking at the girls this way, she placed a bunch of candy in front of the room. She told the girls it was there but they were not allowed to look at it and if they did, they would have to write sentences as a consequence. As a result, many of the girls received the assignment of extra sentences and all the girls eventually put folders in front of their faces to avoid seeing the obvious stack of candy at the front of the room. She asked, “How many of you had a hard time not looking at the candy? How many of you wanted some candy?” And all the girls raised their hands. It gave them a tangible example of what boys go through every day when they saw girls wearing revealing clothing—even the nicest boys have to fight that temptation.

How You Can Help #2: As You Choose Clothes, Keep In Mind The Difference Between Beautiful And Sexual

Now that you’re trying to put yourself in a guy’s shoes—especially thinking about that honorable guy who wants to respect the girls around him!—just keep that in mind as you are choosing what to wear each day. If you’re not calling overt attention to your body, that center in a guy’s brain isn’t automatically triggered. Instead, you look cute, you look beautiful—not sexual.

For example, it makes a major difference if the skirt isn’t quite as short, or if you add a cute cami under that shirt that doesn’t quite reach your jeans. There’s no need to go into detail: you can figure it out just fine. The key is to simply be aware.

(Also, now that you know this: give your school or your parents a break for their dress codes! Dress codes may be clumsy and annoying, but they usually exist—at least in part—to try to help girls and guys on this issue.)

How You Can Help #3: Pray For The Guys You Know

Girls, now that you’ve put yourself in a guy’s shoes, how do you feel about it? Some of you may be annoyed, and are determined to misunderstand what I’m saying. (If you think I’m giving guys a pass, saying “boys will be boys, they can’t help it”, or that I’m shaming you, then go back and read this article again!)

But I believe many more of you are now aware of how hard the honorable guys are working to respect girls and honor God in their thought lives. And you’re probably angry on their behalf that they are having to work so hard. I’m sure the guys you know would appreciate your prayers.

Thank you for caring. Thank you for treating the guys you know with the same honor that you want from them.

It’s so hard to be a teenager these days, isn’t it? But you have the ability to make a huge difference. Go and do it. Be brave by being compassionate. Be smart and beautiful and kind. Be yourself. And be the kind of young woman who loves others by respecting how God created them.

Your friend,

Shaunti

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Find Peace: A 40-day Devotional Journey For Moms, focuses on discovering biblical direction to become a woman of serenity and delight in all seasons – and have impact for generations to come.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post A Letter to our Teenage Daughters About How They Dress appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

The BEST Wedding Gift Ever

We are approaching wedding season! April, May and June are filled with shopping the registries, excitement for friends, and final preparations for an awesome day for a beautiful bride and groom.

And yet . . . even as they prepare for a lifetime together, how many times will that bride and groom (or the rest of us) hear those sneakily discouraging statistics that make them wonder whether a lifetime together is possible? (Even, perhaps, at the wedding, the well-meaning officiant might say something like, “You need to work hard! Half of all marriages end in divorce!”)  

Or how many times have we, ourselves, been shocked and saddened to hear that friends we know are suddenly getting a divorce? It looms large in our eyes that a seemingly normal husband and wife with kids, a dog and a mortgage could end like this. It makes us (and that bride and groom) think, subconsciously: “If they’re getting a divorce, what chance do we have?” Or “half of marriages end in divorce anyway so it shouldn’t surprise us.”  

Many brides and grooms today are subconsciously going into their marriages believing they have a flip-the-coin chance of making it—when that is not true at all!  

Just recently I had a series of all-day meetings with my Senior Researcher, Tally Whitehead, who flew down from Ohio. We were pulling together an update on the latest good news data about the state of marriage in our country, which has always been better than we think . . . and has only gotten better as new studies have been released!

We detail a lot of this in our book, The Good News About Marriage: Debunking Discouraging Myths about Marriage and Divorce. But I’m going to repeat some of it here, because we must spread the good news far and wide, reassure those brides and grooms we know, and uphold the fact that as we head into “marriage season,” the idea of love for a lifetime is not old fashioned and it’s also not mythical. 

Here are the few important key facts about marriage we’d like to share with you—and have you share with those who are getting married this year! 

You need to know: The divorce rate for society as a whole is not 50% and has never been anywhere close. 

Everyone believes there is a 50% divorce rate. There isn’t, and there never has been, for society as a whole. For high-risk groups, yes. (If you get married as a teenager, that group hits that rate—but that is less than 5% of the population!)

What’s the divorce rate, then? Let me say that understanding this is incredibly complicated, controversial, and there is no way to know one “real” number. That is why it took us 8 years before we published The Good News About Marriage (and why we need to point you to the book for the hundreds of citations and sources!) But the bottom line is this: in looking at data from the Census Bureau and other reliable sources, it appears that somewhere around 25% of first marriages end in divorce—and the divorce rate has only continued to decline since we published the book! That’s still too high but it’s a universe different from what we think it is! 

This means, if you’re getting married, you can be assured of this awesome fact: Most marriages are strong and happy for a lifetime!!!

Jeff and I have seen in our research with thousands of people for our books, that when people get into trouble in their marriage, there’s a sneaking feeling that arises: “If the ship is going to sink anyway, why bother trying to bail it out?” It makes an enormous difference if you think to yourself (or tell a troubled friend), “The ship isn’t going to sink! You’re going to make it. Most marriages do.”

You need to know: the rate of divorce in the church is not the same as society—in fact, it’s nowhere close.  

Although there is controversy about what the divorce rate is, there is no controversy about this. Every demographer knows that statement is true: it’s just that every churchgoer doesn’t!

In fact, a long-term Harvard study, published in 2018, that found that in the population they tracked, the divorce rate for those who attended church regularly was 50% lower than the divorce rate of those who didn’t! 

You need to know: Remarriages don’t have an insanely high divorce rate. 

Do you know anyone who is heading into a second marriage? I talk to people all the time who are—and who are subconsciously expecting that they have a high chance of failure. Because that is what they’ve heard.

Just as for first marriages, no one knows what the exact divorce rate is for second and third marriages. But it turns out all those super high divorce rates you’ve heard—66%, 72%, etc.— are an urban legend. We detail more in The Good News About Marriage but the bottom line is we traced all those references and they tie back to sources that don’t exist. 

My favorite example was from Dr. Jennifer Baker who is a well-known researcher that was quoted in a popularly-referenced Psychology Today article as saying she discovered these super high divorce rates. When we asked to look at her study so we could see her methodology, she emailed us back saying “Unfortunately, these statistics are not mine, and even though I have asked the website to remove my name as a source, I’ve been unable to get them to do so.”

It would be funny if it hadn’t caused so many people to give up on their second marriages.

So if you’re in a second or third marriage, please know that although no one knows exactly what those divorce rates are, they’re a whole lot closer to first marriage divorce rates than people think. Based on Census Bureau data, the divorce rate for remarriages is probably more like 30%.

Most marriages aren’t just “meh”; they’re actually happy!

Both our studies and all the other studies on satisfaction in marriage that have ever been done in recent years have found that contrary to popular opinion, most marriages are not “just sort of bumping along”. They’re made up of two people who actually really enjoy being married and enjoy being married to each other. 

The average percentage of couples being happy in marriage hovers around 80%. (Our study for our book The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, which independently surveyed both the husband and the wife, found that 71% percent were both happy, and others studies have found more than 90%!)  

Again, that bride and groom getting married this year need to know: the bottom line is that most marriages not only last for a lifetime—but they are happy!

These are just a few of the truths that we cover in The Good News About Marriage. We would love for you to share this with a bride or groom you know or with a struggling couple who could use some encouragement. Because it’s worth spreading the word that lifelong, happy love in marriage is not only possible—but likely. And that is good news, indeed. 

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Find Peace: A 40-day Devotional Journey For Moms, focuses on discovering biblical direction to become a woman of serenity and delight in all seasons – and have impact for generations to come.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post The BEST Wedding Gift Ever appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

In the Wake of the Recent College Cheating Scandal

Unless you’ve been holed up under a rock (I’m in “Cave Mode” while writing a book—and even I know about this doozey of a scandal!), you will have heard, read, and seen countless stories about the recent college cheating scandal. Obviously the media has latched itself onto the celebrities from Hollywood and named them the faces of the scandal of the year. 

I know 99.9% of us have not paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to “donate to a charity” (but really to boost our high schooler’s chances of getting into an Ivy League school.) And we haven’t paid to have test proctors erase and correct our teen’s answers on the ACT or SAT, or fabricate stories and photos to make our non-athletic kids look like they could receive scholarships for collegiate sports teams. But this recent scandal did strike me as an exaggerated version of an epidemic in our society. Many of us are not actually trusting God to be in control of our kids’ lives. 

Whether it manifests itself in worry, anxiety, pulling strings, being overly involved, “helicopter parenting”, whatever it looks like . . . we are, ironically, trying to make ourselves feel better about the future.  

And yet it usually leads to less peace, not more. 

When my daughter started college recently, I found myself doing something completely crazy, letting worry run wild. I figured if I could somehow do this ONE THING, everything would be ok and I would feel better. I was trying to be in control, ignoring the fact that it is God’s job. 

I was essentially saying to God—“I’ve got this. You can take the night off. I am totally in control here, Sir.” 

What resulted was a hilarious—and somewhat embarrassing!—lesson. (Read on if you want a chuckle at my expense.)

The point is, let us be aware that whether big or small, our actions reveal where our trust really abides. And my hope for all of us is that it would abide in Jesus. 

The following is an excerpt from my upcoming new devotional called Find Peace: A 40-Day Devotional Journey for Moms. 

In the last weeks before we moved my oldest child into her dorm at an urban college, I found myself getting misty-eyed at the oddest times. My daughter had taken to patting me on the shoulder and saying, “That’s ok, Mom, you’re fragile.” I was. I still am. But I was excited about her new adventure, too. I was eager to see what God had in store. 

Unfortunately, that still didn’t translate to completely sane thinking.

The day after we dropped her off, I continuously checked the tracking app she still had on her phone. (In lieu of attaching a beacon to her head, this seemed like the next best thing.) 

“Oh, look, she’s at lunch!” “Oh, look, she must be at that sorority rush meeting!” “Oh, look, she’s walking across campus; she must be going to that international dining hall.”

It was a tiny little glimpse of a girl I already missed so much it hurt.

Jeff humored my slightly obsessive stalking. I told him it made me feel better knowing where our daughter was and guessing what she might be doing.

Late that night in bed I checked the app one more time. Her little dot appeared right outside an unfamiliar dorm.

“Cool, she must be at a party, making new friends.” But in the next moment it was moving at great speed—away from campus to a large condo complex across town! At 11 p.m.! 

Suddenly I was on high alert, my thoughts whirring. How could she be in a car? Very few freshmen had one. I knew parties at this massive public university would be a stark wake-up call from her low-key friends at her small, Christian high school. She’d had no experience extricating herself from a situation where someone was drinking and driving.

Before I could stop them, my thoughts flitted down scarier paths: Someone could have thrown her into a car! 

I had to know. My heart beating fast, I pulled up a maps app and located the looming building in the midst of the condo complex. I zoomed in.

It was a Target.

I didn’t know whether to laugh or feel ashamed of myself. I shakily texted her a falsely cheery greeting. “How are you enjoying your first night at school? I’m still up if you want to call.” Two minutes later, the phone rang. 

“Hey Mom! Guess what? It’s college night at Target! They even had a shuttle; I’m here with all the girls from my hall!”

As I hung up the phone, I glanced sideways at Jeff. Trying not to laugh, he said, “We need to talk about this.”

Obviously, I was not handling things well. I needed to start weaning myself from the app. But more importantly, I realized I was seeking comfort and reassurance in entirely the wrong place. I wanted to know where my daughter was without being willing to rest in the fact that God knew. I scrambled for information to make me feel better instead of trusting her to God’s care. A care that wouldn’t change whether she was in my home or in her dorm or shopping at Target at 11 p.m.

Continually placing our children into the care of our Heavenly Father is the only way to peace. There are so many things in this world that can terrify us (and we moms can come up with some pretty spectacular scenarios, am I right?). But when we’re fearful, we need to be like the psalmist who “sought for the Lord.” Not an app. Not more information. Not the reassurance of a phone call.

There will always be one more phone call needed. One more situation. One more worry. The only permanent, unshakable peace is found in Him.

*Excerpts taken from Shaunti’s upcoming book, Find Peace: A 40-Day Devotional Journey for Moms due out April 10, 2019. Pre-order your copy here!

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Find Peace: A 40-day Devotional Journey For Moms, focuses on discovering biblical direction to become a woman of serenity and delight in all seasons – and have impact for generations to come.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post In the Wake of the Recent College Cheating Scandal appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

The Two Words Your Husband Really Needs to Hear: Thank You

After another heated argument, Josh and Hannah came back together with calmer attitudes to sort out what was going on. Lately they had been getting irritated with each other and they wanted to figure out why. Josh had been saying that Hannah doesn’t appreciate him, and she fiercely disagrees with that. But he says she never thanks him for things he does around the house like taking out the trash or mowing the lawn. Hannah certainly appreciates everything he does, but wonders why she’s expected to thank him for doing things that are his assigned chores. Between work and household responsibilities, she feels like she’s on duty 24/7 herself. So she just doesn’t get why he thinks he should constantly be thanked for doing his share.

If you experience the same kind of irritation toward your husband over the household chores, you’re not alone! I get asked about this all the time when I’m speaking at women’s conferences. But your frustration—and Hannah’s—arises because you have a misunderstanding about how men are wired and what is important to them.

Let me explain.

For men, being appreciated is their equivalent of being loved.

It is so easy for us women to never realize the fact that for men, being appreciated is their equivalent of being loved. Saying “thank you” to a guy is like when he says “I love you” to you. You know that awful joke that some guys teasingly say: “Why should I have to tell her I love her? I told her when we got married!” Well, the reality is that maybe they shouldn’t have to say “I love you”—maybe we should just know it somehow—but don’t we want to hear it? Oh, you bet we do. In fact, if my husband felt love but never said anything about it, I would probably be unhappy very quickly.

Saying “thank you” makes your husband feel cared for.

Well, it works the same way for guys, but for them, their “love” is appreciation. In my surveys of the happiest couples for my book The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, I found that one of the things these couples do differently is that they’ve found the little day-to-day things that make the other person feel cared for. And believe it or not, what makes a guy feel the most cared for is when his wife notices something he has done and sincerely thanks him for it. (“Thank you for mowing the lawn even though it was so hot outside.” “Thank you for taking the kids this morning and letting me sleep in.”)

That seems like such a little thing to us women, but nearly all men on the survey said it was important, with 72% of men saying they were deeply impacted by it. Why? Because a man’s greatest desire is to do something well—but since he doubts himself, his greatest need is for what he does to be noticed and appreciated.

Look for ways to express appreciation and thanks to your man.

Think about how “I love you” says many different things to us. (“You’re mine,” “I’m glad I chose you,” “You’re attractive to me,” and so on.) Well, for a guy, hearing “I love you” is nice—but it doesn’t hit him in that deep way. Instead, what says all those important things to him is “thank you,” because it reassures him in all the ways he doubts. It says “I appreciate you,” “you take care of me,” “you did a good job” and so on.

So instead of getting irritated that your husband wants to be thanked for something that is “his job,” actively look for ways to appreciate and thank him. Hannah started making an effort to tell Josh how much she appreciated the things he did around the house. As she found out, saying those two little words—“thank you”—can make a big difference in our man’s attitude and confidence, and can help to create an atmosphere of peace and partnership in our home.

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Find Peace: A 40-day Devotional Journey For Moms, focuses on discovering biblical direction to become a woman of serenity and delight in all seasons – and have impact for generations to come.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post The Two Words Your Husband Really Needs to Hear: Thank You appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Make His Day By Doing This In the Bedroom

What would you say if I told you that you could do one thing tonight in the bedroom for your husband that would most likely MAKE HIS DAY (or week or month)?  

Keep the lights on during sex.

Did I just hear a collective gasp out there from women who are cringing at the thought of exposing, well . . . we all know what we don’t love exposing! Especially after several years and babies and let’s be honest—gravity. But before you totally tune me out, read on about why I’m suggesting this simple yet potentially nerve-wracking idea for your intimate time with your husband.

In all my years of researching the things our husbands wish we knew but don’t know how to say, I heard the heart behind this wish—and saw 5 surprising reasons our husbands want us to take the risk of keeping those lights ON:

Reason #1: When He Knows You Want Him, It Increases Intimacy 

A husband is powerfully impacted by knowing his wife desires him. And few things signal “desire” more than when he sees his wife engaged in their time together. Men secretly feel so vulnerable when they approach their wives for intimacy: Do I measure up? Does she want me? Am I not enough for her? Sometimes a man will keep his guard up to avoid the sting of inadequacy if he senses his wife may not truly be all in. So if he sees that you’re engaged, he can set all concerns aside, let down his guard, and take the risk of opening up emotionally. And that vulnerability leads to much greater intimacy.

Reason #2: When You Trust Him, It Leads To True Oneness  

Vulnerability works both ways. We feel so vulnerable at the idea of turning on those lights . . . because we too wonder: Do I measure up? I don’t look like I used to. Will he be satisfied with me? Turned off? Those extra pounds or least-favorite features loom large in our minds. But nearly all the men in my research told me they loved their wife’s individuality and aren’t expecting or looking for the cover model. That is our hang-up, not theirs! We need to trust that our husband loves us as we are. And when we let down our guard and trust, we reach mutual vulnerability and true oneness.

Reason #3: He Is Visual  

Yes, this has been stated many times, but there’s a key reason it’s worth repeating: a man’s emotions are tied to his eyes. He drinks in and savors those images of you in your intimate time together in a wonderful, emotional way that you as a woman may never fully understand. But when those visual memories come back to his mind, he feels a rush of affection and love for you. And they are a bulwark and ammunition against the impact of all those other images that confront him out in the world every day.

Reason #4: He Delights In Knowing He Has Delighted You  

The vast majority of men I’ve interviewed and surveyed have confirmed it: your man is most pleased when he pleases you. Three out of four said that for a man, sex is empty if his wife isn’t satisfied—or if he can’t tell that she was satisfied. The men said it makes an immense, delightful difference for a man to be able to see his wife’s reactions in some way.

Reason #5: You May Find It Isn’t As Big A Risk As You Think

Have you ever resisted something out of fear, only to try it later and wish you hadn’t waited so long? Many women have told me this was like that for them: it took courage, but was one of the best things they did for their marriage. Because they as women saw something too: they saw with their own eyes that their fears were empty. They saw that their husbands really did love them and delight in them as they were. These women gained confidence they never expected. And they found themselves unexpectedly moved by their husband’s almost gleeful delight in this new experience together.

So ladies, I encourage you to try this simple (yet brave) move. Your husband wants to love and adore you—all the while being able to SEE you. I’ll bet the response you get will be one of absolute delight!

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Find Peace: A 40-day Devotional Journey For Moms, focuses on discovering biblical direction to become a woman of serenity and delight in all seasons – and have impact for generations to come.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post Make His Day By Doing This In the Bedroom appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Help Your Teen Avoid Social Media Comparison

Erica’s teenage daughter took out her phone for her daily ritual—taking photos of her outfit possibilities before school and waiting to see which one got the most likes before deciding what to wear. Erica tried to hide her exasperation. Her daughter’s obsession with social media had reached ridiculous levels. She already placed far too much value on what her peers think of her, and social media was making it worse. Ready to throw her daughter’s phone in the trash, Erica wondered how she can get her to stop relying on social media so much—especially for her self-identity.

Absurd as it may seem to us who grew up without social media, our teens have no frame of reference for life without it. So for all of us with teens engaged on social media, although it might seem “ridiculous,” we need to embrace the fact that this is a big part of their world. That doesn’t mean social media use shouldn’t be controlled (it should) or that it should drive their identity (it shouldn’t), but it does mean giving up the illusion that a teen can live a normal life without it today.

It also means recognizing that if we want to guide our teens away from relying on anything (social media included) for their self-identity, we have to enter into this part of their life, rather than trying to keep them entirely from it. We need to understand their motivations, how they use social media, who their digital friends are, and what they think about it all. And the good news is that, statistically, our teens probably want us to!

Let’s see what the research says.

Take an active interest in your teen’s social media activity.

According to my For Parents Only research with middle school and high school kids, our kids want us to make the effort to understand their life and their world, and be a part it. It sends the message that we care enough about our child and who he or she really is (rather than who we might want them to be) that we’re willing to step into a social environment that may not come naturally, in order to better understand them. It sends the message that they can trust us.

So instead of giving your “disapproving” glance whenever your teen checks their Instagram comments, ask about them. I assume you’re already checking their phone, social media use, and texts (hint, hint), so the next time you take a look and hand back their phone, ask open-ended questions to show your interest. “Who comments the most on what you post?” “What do you think about what Paige said?” “Read me some of your favorite posts!”

Ask meaningful questions that lead to deep discussions.

This involvement will almost certainly lead to more meaningful questions that give you windows of opportunity for guidance. “What do you think, when you see that Jamie has 300 followers and you have 67?” “Do any of your friends just not care whether anyone comments on their posts? Why do you think they are free of the need for that approval?” Casual questions with deep opportunities. Erica could open up a conversation with her daughter by asking: “Do you ever wear an outfit that got voted down just because you liked it best?”

A woman business leader that I know tells the people who work for her, “I can’t grow you unless I know you”—and the same principle applies to you as a parent. You can’t grow your child, and help them avoid the temptations to rely on friends and approval for self-worth, if you know very little about a huge part of their life.

Share key truths with your teen about their identity and self-worth.

As you get know your teen better and better, you’ll know best how to share some key truths in a way they’ll accept—like the fact that although it’s natural to seek affirmation in the affection or praise of others, it is only in knowing that we are God’s children, created in His image, richly loved in spite of our flaws, that we find true affirmation. That acceptance is something we can’t get from anything or anyone else!

By engaging in meaningful conversations, you can help your teen see that relying on social media likes and comments for happiness is a road to heartbreak. And as they begin to understand more and more how much you care about them, and that they can trust you—they’ll be far more inclined to listen.

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Find Peace: A 40-day Devotional Journey For Moms, focuses on discovering biblical direction to become a woman of serenity and delight in all seasons – and have impact for generations to come.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post Help Your Teen Avoid Social Media Comparison appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

The Leprechaun Trap (Why Comparing Ourselves Is a Trap!)

I’ve discovered something. When I spend time a lot of time scrolling through social media, it messes with my head. It can leave me feeling a little, well . . . less than.

Can you relate? One minute you’re catching up with friends and seeing pictures of their families. And the next minute—wham. Photos of someone’s latest spectacular dinner party with place settings made of raffia and freshly grown herbs. Or the newly organized office space of a friend that would make Marie Kondo sniff away a tear of pride. Or what about an acquaintance who has (yet again!) pulled together an amazing trip, complete with coordinating family outfits, themed activities and a downloadable playlist from iTunes?

It can make even the most self-assured woman wonder why in the world she couldn’t be more like . . . almost anyone else on Pinterest?!

In honor of St. Patrick’s Day, I wanted to share an excerpt from my upcoming devotional called Find Peace: A 40-Day Devotional Journey for Moms. This story always makes me chuckle, especially when I find myself falling into this all-too-familiar comparison trap. And it also reminds me that God does not intend for us to live this way! He has gifted us each differently, and has good things for all of us. We just have to take our eyes off the comparisons and notice the great things about our lives!

Leprechauns and Expectations

The next day was St. Patrick’s Day. It was also the day my friend, Vicky’s, first-grade son was due to turn in his “Leprechaun Trap” school project. Gabe had been working on it for days with unusual diligence.

The year before, leprechauns had snuck into Gabe’s classroom, leaving chocolate coins, messed-up toys, and even—to his glorious surprise—green urine in the toilets. Gabe couldn’t wait to see how his trap worked. Vicky couldn’t wait to find out which overzealous moms had volunteered to sneak into school at 5 a.m. to arrange everything.

But that night, as they were praying before bed, Gabe prayed they would catch a leprechaun in their house the next morning. He clearly couldn’t wait to see the chocolate coins in the kitchen and green urine in the toilets.

“Oh, wait, honey,” Vicky said, smiling. “You’re building a trap for school. Leprechauns don’t come to our house.” After a busy day at work, the kitchen still a mess from dinner, and three other kids to put to bed, she had no intention of running to the store at 9:30 p.m. for chocolate coins and green food coloring. And who in the world wants to mess up their house on purpose?

Gabe stared at her. “What?” he asked. “What do you mean?”

Vicky calmly repeated, “The leprechauns only come to your school, not our home. This was an assignment from your teacher.”

Gabe was clearly very upset. “Well, that was a big, old waste of TIME!”

Vicky felt terrible—and angry. He had been working so hard and would now feel his hard work made no difference. It also felt like yet another mom failure, not living up to the expectations set by other more creative and, she assumed, less busy moms.

Why Do We Get Stuck in the Comparison Trap?

The comparison trap can create a lack of peace in an instant, can’t it, ladies? There’s no end to the places we can go to see someone doing our job bigger, better, flashier . . . and with green food coloring, no less. Just take a look at the ideas on Pinterest. You can even find ideas for an apologies-in-advance goody bag for the airplane—complete with earplugs and some cash for a drink—for when you’re traveling with babies.

I’ve never been good at crafts or holiday goodies, even though I sure wish I was. It is easy to feel like everyone else is doing a better job in this department. Or even to roll my eyes at their “overzealousness.” I hear stories like Vicky’s and think, Can we all just agree to lower the bar and give busy moms a break?!

But then I think: my teenage daughter loves this kind of stuff. She volunteered for the prom committee and spent hours creating complicated, beautiful, backlit table centerpieces. It brought her joy. When she is a mom, she will probably love to create class goody bags and sneak in green food coloring on St. Patrick’s Day.

If she genuinely gets pleasure from using her creativity and gifts to decorate, celebrate, and bless others, should I deny (or make fun of) the things she’s doing? What about other moms? Maybe, just maybe, they aren’t “raising the bar” but are simply using their gifts to bless their little corner of the world. Maybe other non-crafty moms like me can accept those gifts, use our own gifts in other areas, and stop feeling “less than” simply because we don’t enjoy the same things.

So much of our mom guilt comes because we feel we “should” be like someone else. But like we tell our kids, we’re all created different! As we embrace the design and the life God has for us, peace will come. What He has gifted us with is what He asks us to bring to Him.

*Excerpts taken from Shaunti’s upcoming book, Find Peace: A 40-Day Devotional Journey for Moms due out April, 10, 2019. Pre-order your copy here!

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Find Peace: A 40-day Devotional Journey For Moms, focuses on discovering biblical direction to become a woman of serenity and delight in all seasons – and have impact for generations to come.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post The Leprechaun Trap (Why Comparing Ourselves Is a Trap!) appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.