Shaunti Feldhahn's Blog, page 33

Raising the Curve on Kindness—It’s the Perfect Time

While we’re all working to “flatten the curve” on COVID-19, I want to challenge all of us to “raise the curve” on kindness! 

We are starting a major 30-Day Kindness Challenge initiative on Friday March 20, 2020; please join us in doing it for one or more important people in your life! (See below for how.)

We will do a “Raise the Curve on Kindness 30-Day Kindness Challenge” over social media and on a special page on our regular website, with ideas and tips that are tailored for our unique situation today. (Or if you feel like you will forget to check social media or the website, you can always sign up for 30 days of reminder emails for the regular 30-Day Kindness Challenge, and just adapt it on your own.)  You can also RSVP for the Facebook event.

You might also want to start by taking the “What’s Your Kindness Quotient?” assessment . . . which will definitely tell you whether you are as kind as you think you are!

Why Now?  

We are suddenly finding ourselves with unprecedented worries and uncertainty—at the same time that we’re stuck at home and crammed on top of each other.

This could be a recipe for chaos and tension within our families and marriages. Instead, I’d like to make it an opportunity to become better people. Not just because we are looking out for our neighbor, but because we’re working to become people of kindness with those who are closest to us. (Literally!)

As one neighbor told me today, as he stood across the cul-de-sac and pulled his headphones out of his ears: “My wife and I are both working from home, and the kids are up and down for their school online.  I had to just walk around the neighborhood in order to do this conference call. I was ready to jump out the window. I’m trying not to get constantly exasperated with the kids. I tell them, ‘We’ve got to be respectful of each other while we adjust to this new normal.’ And then I realized: I’m probably the one who has to work on that the most.” 

When we did The Kindness Challenge research project, we discovered that there is a way to improve any relationship in your life—and it comes by learning all the ways you are unintentionally unkind every day and being purposeful about targeted kindness instead. This is not a “random acts of kindness” movement (although that is nice, too, these days!). Rather, this is a very, very targeted kindness initiative that will change your relationship(s)—by changing you. 

How To Do The 30-Day Kindness Challenge

First, decide whom you will do the Challenge for. Normally, we recommend that the first time you do it, you do it for one person only (since that improves your ability to see what you need to focus on). But these are not normal times. You might do it for all the wiggly children you’re suddenly home-schooling. Or maybe you do actually focus on one person: your spouse, your mother-in-law who lives with you, or the middle-schooler you butt heads with the most. You might not even do it for your family at all and focus on that difficult colleague you’re having to work with remotely instead of in person.  

For 30 days, you will:

Say nothing negative about your person—either to them or about them to someone else. If you must provide negative feedback (for example, to discipline a child or correct a subordinate’s mistake), be constructive and encouraging without a negative tone. 
Every day, find one thing that you can sincerely praise or affirm about your person and tell them—and tell someone else. 
Every day, do one small act of kindness or generosity for them. 

That’s it. It’s incredibly simple. And yet in our research for The Kindness Challenge, 89% of relationships improved. You will see similar results. Because you will improve.

Let’s use this time when we are social distancing and unable to go to work or school, to work on ourselves. Let’s come out of this as people who have trained to be kind, just when it is needed most.

Additional Resources:

Buy the book // Buy the audiobook

Take the Kindness Assessment

Try one of the original challenges

Sign up for emails from Shaunti

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Thriving in Love and Money, uncovers the issues that cause money conflicts and provide couples with truths that are relationship game-changers…Because you need a better relationship, not just a better budget.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post Raising the Curve on Kindness—It’s the Perfect Time appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Is Coronavirus the Next Y2K Opportunity for the Church?

The coronavirus is all anyone is talking about . . . and we have a choice to make.

Two decades ago, we had a choice to make in another time of great uncertainty. With the impending approach of Y2K, would we respond in faith or fear? I argued then that this was an incredibly important moment for a balanced Christian response. Neither downplaying nor running for the hills. Not getting trapped in making predictions, but preparing to be a blessing as needed. I argued that the church, in particular, should be the people who were stepping into a time of worry or crisis, rather than those who were checking out.

My Y2K book sold 300,000 copies in 4 months, not because it was so well-written (as my first book, written in just two months, I’m sure it wasn’t!) but because I believe God wanted the Christian community to hear the call to prepare to be a blessing.

I will argue the same today. 

As the media bombards our ears and hearts with news of the COVID-19 pandemic, how can we as followers of Christ make a difference? At this moment in time, when we are facing a level of daily life and financial disruption that most of us have never experienced before (wholesale closure of schools, businesses and entire industries), we have to pull our attention off our own situation (and the news feeds!) and look up and ask where God wants us to invest our time for His eternal purposes.

I wrote an op-ed for Religion News Service to share this perspective. Read on, to find out ways you and I can be a light to others during this coronavirus panic—and please share the op-ed as widely as possible with others.

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Thriving in Love and Money, uncovers the issues that cause money conflicts and provide couples with truths that are relationship game-changers…Because you need a better relationship, not just a better budget.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

The post Is Coronavirus the Next Y2K Opportunity for the Church? appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Our Newest Book Is Here—And You’ll Love the Story of How This Happened!

Today’s the day! We are so excited to announce our latest research-based book!

Jeff and I finally tackled that issue that causes issues in SO many marriages: MONEY. The book is Thriving in Love & Money: 5 Game-Changing Insights about Your Relationship, Your Money, and Yourself—and as many of you might guess, we’re tackling it in a very different way. We don’t discuss budgeting, getting out of debt or money management. Instead, it’s all about how to have a great relationship around money.

Which is really ironic. Because before we started the research, Jeff and I absolutely didn’t.

I have to tell you the crazy, beautiful, miraculous story of how this book came to be, and how Jeff and I started studying this topic that we originally couldn’t even talk about without getting angry.  

A Vast Shift in Publishing—And a Major Life-Changing Dilemma for Us

Three years ago, we had just launched our final research-based book in a multi-book contract, and truly did not know what we should do next. In fact, it was particularly nerve-wracking because not only did we not have any clear direction on whether we should do another research project, we didn’t know how we would pay for it! The publishing economy and business model had dramatically changed since that contract was signed in 2008, and rigorous research is expensive. Our hard costs for a good, basic, two-to-three-year study could easily be $60,000 or $80,000—or a lot more—and now that the contract was completed, we no longer had a clear way to pay those costs. 

Were we even supposed to do research and write these books anymore? A bit anguished (Okay, a lot anguished), I started praying for direction. I felt the Lord reassuring me to trust that He wasn’t done with me in writing books to help lives and relationships, but I still didn’t know what to write—or how to pay for it.

Nine days later, I received a call out of the blue from two leaders who worked for Thrivent Financial. They explained that they were a large not-for-profit financial services company with a mission to serve Christians. They said “Money causes so many issues in marriage, but we don’t believe it has to. How would you feel about making this your next research study and book, and us funding it?”

After I hung up the phone, I went into the kitchen where Jeff was making lunch, opened my mouth to tell him what had just happened, and started crying.

But . . . Oh, No!

But very, very shortly that awe of knowing that God was giving us our next project, changed to a different emotion. I have never stood on the edge of a bridge with a bungee cord tied around me and prepared to dive off, but I imagine that would be just about the same feeling!

You see, for 15 years, Jeff and I had studied so many things about relationships that had helped others—and those revelations helped us at the same time. As we incorporated each of these important attitudes and actions into our own marriage, we had grown so much closer and were generally so happy. 

But . . . money. 

Money was the one big area in our marriage where we were definitely NOT on the same page. 

We didn’t really fight about it. We just avoided it. Because when we did try to talk about it, there was defensiveness, irritation, tension or a host of other negative feelings. Even though we technically shared bank accounts, it was a whole lot easier to just do money separately, to keep the peace. It was easier for me to just get huffy when Jeff said “No, let’s not spend that right now,” or for him to get irritated when he discovered yet another Amazon package on our front step. 

In general, I felt guilty and he felt annoyed. Yeah. Not a good place to be.

It was so scary to think about diving headlong into this research—knowing that we would suddenly have to talk about it. That we would both have to do something with it. We knew our life would probably change. That this project would change us. 

Three years later, we can tell you: It did. And we would never go back.

Three years later we know why God asked us to study this topic. Because there are very, very few other issues that so easily hit our hearts, feelings, and expectations—and thus our marriages—as money. But as a result, there are also very, very few other issues that have more power to bring you closer once you understand what is going on underneath the surface.

Because that was the bottom line of what we found: when you have issues around money . . . it’s not about the money. It is about all those other things under the surface. And those you can do something about. Because they are far more important but far more simple than you think.

Three years later, we can tell you: if we can do this, you can do this. Today, we talk (easily!) instead of avoiding money conversations. We know what the other person is thinking, and we address the worry or concern under the surface that, before, we wouldn’t have even known was there. We also know what we, ourselves, are thinking. (Which, I realized, I often didn’t, before!)

It was life-changing. And liberating.

No matter where you are with money, we hope you will get this simple book and share copies with everyone you know.

Money has hurt marriages for too long. It is time for a new way of thinking: that there is a simple, do-able way to thrive in your relationship around money.

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Thriving in Love and Money, uncovers the issues that cause money conflicts and provide couples with truths that are relationship game-changers…Because you need a better relationship, not just a better budget.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

The post Our Newest Book Is Here—And You’ll Love the Story of How This Happened! appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Why Do We Buy Into The Superwoman Myth?

Every few months, it seems, we head to the movies for the latest adventures of our favorite superheroes. (We will admit that the Feldhahn clan falls into the Marvel mega-fan category.) 

When our son was six, his superhero of choice was Superman. He wore the capes, his action figures littering the floor of our playroom. But one day he suddenly felt like he was old enough to ask us the question he must have known the answer to: “Is Superman real?”

I answered in the same way I answered his 8-year-old daughter the month before, when she wanted the truth about Santa Claus: “Do you want to know the truth, honey?” In that case, after careful consideration, our daughter had said no—she wanted to hold on to Santa Claus a while longer. But when I put the question to our Superman-cape wearing son, he nodded.

I smiled at him. “No, sweetheart, Superman isn’t real.”

He nodded again. “I thought so.” Pause. “Are any superheroes real?”

“Nope. They’re just pretend. But it’s sure fun to play pretend, isn’t it?”

“Yep!” And off he went in his red cape. He gracefully let go of the notion that the myth was real, accepting that it was just part of growing up.

It is interesting that many of us who are busy, involved, accomplished women today haven’t really embraced that same reality check about a much more adult myth: the idea that we should be able to be Superwoman. The notion that we should be able to do it all, all at the same time. We may not don a cape, but we may as well have one as we try to accomplish the impossible task of juggling far more than any human can, in our families, jobs, ministries and friendships. 

When did we buy into the Superwoman myth?

The Superwoman Myth

Years after that exchange with my son, I found myself wondering why our children are able to let go of myths and legends but we are not. For far too many of us, deep inside, we think we are supposed to be Superwoman—specifically, Supermom—even though we know there is no such thing.

I regularly see articles, blogs and books that construct or celebrate the myth that we can have it all, do it all and be all things to all people—all at the same time. We hold our mythical Superwoman superhero up as the ideal on radio and television.  

I’m a fan of the main Christian radio station in our city, and remember listening to one of the main morning radio programs during my 20-minute trip to drop my kids off at school one day. They asked for callers on the question of whether we can “have it all.” I was surprised and a bit saddened to hear every single caller (all women) exulting in the fact that of course we should expect to have it all, all at the same time: a demanding full-time job, two kids, a great marriage, fulfilling activities and friends. . . . In other words: we should expect to be Superwoman.

Having It All, All At The Same Time?

I’m the first person to be thrilled that we live in an era that provides so many spectacular opportunities for women. If I had been born in the 1800’s, I really doubt I would have had the chance to get a graduate degree, work on Wall Street, be a social researcher, or be a best-selling author. But as our culture has “grown up”—we haven’t. Too many of us cling to the notion that we are supposed to have it all, do it all and be it all, all at the same time—and then we feel guilty if we don’t meet that imaginary standard. We live through headaches from too little sleep, “Mom guilt’” from not letting each of our children do that third sport this season, tension from snapping at our spouse for “not helping enough” (when he is probably facing his own immense stress and pressure from trying to meet a similarly impossible standard), and worry that we are “letting people down” because we only agreed to chair one committee at church this year.

The reality is that if we try to do it all, all at the same time, nothing will get done well. And learning how to prioritize and make healthy choices is liberating.

Finding Balance

And here’s why this is crazy: deep down inside, every one of us knows that the Superwoman ideal isn’t actually an ideal but a piece of fiction. If we really stop and think about it, I believe we know that meeting this “standard” is as impossible as putting on that red cape and taking to the sky. The problem is that in the face of such a pervasive-seeming expectation—and the insane pace of life that results—we don’t bother to think about it!

I know I certainly didn’t. When I was approached years ago about creating a video-driven bible study that would help women think through these things, I realized how little biblical knowledge I actually had on this subject—a subject that literally impacted everything in my life! Creating that study—Find Balance: Thriving in a Do-It-All World— was one of the most personally impactful projects I’ve ever undertaken. And in the end, I pray it is encouraging and helpful to millions of other women as well.

There is a God-given peace and relief that comes when we stop trying to use superpowers that don’t exist, and instead embrace the beautiful design and callings that do exist, realize that we have to make choices and live according to different seasons of life, prioritize rest as much as accomplishment, and celebrate the fact that we may in fact be able to “have it all” over the course of our lifetime—just not all at the same time! 

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Thriving in Love and Money, uncovers the issues that cause money conflicts and provide couples with truths that are relationship game-changers…because you need a better relationship, not just a better budget.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post Why Do We Buy Into The Superwoman Myth? appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

4 Ways to Make Your Child’s Day

Believe it or not, the answer is not announcing, “A free day off school!” (Although I’m sure that would work too!) The answer is far more subtle—and much more profound. There is so much going on in your child’s head and heart that they find hard to explain, and which is SO easy for us to miss. And yet once you take these simple steps it speaks volumes to them. (This is especially the case if they are teens or tweens.)

Based on the research with more than 3,000 kids for For Parents Only: Getting Inside the Head of Your Kid, here are four phrases and actions that will make their day.

How to Make Their Day #1: “Okay, go ahead and try.”

Guess what is the primary motivator and influencer of our teens and tweens? It isn’t peer pressure, the values shared by the latest reality series, or even those so helpful pieces of parental advice. According to our surveys, their greatest motivator is the influence of freedom. Their whole lives they have only been able to do what we let them do (more or less!), and now that they are getting into their tween and teen years, they suddenly have the ability to decide things and do things for themselves. It is intoxicating and powerful.

The problem is, freedom is also something that we tend to resist giving them, just when they most need to learn how to handle it well! We need to be wise, of course, but, there are times that we have to take a deep breath and say “Okay, go for it.” I still remember when my 13-year-old son accompanied Jeff and me to a dinner with friends, only to discover that the son of the other couple hadn’t been able to make it. Our son ate his food, a bit bored, and then surprised us.  

“Mom, you guys will be talking a while. Can I walk home?”  

“Walk home? It’s three or four miles!”

“Yeah. It’s all sidewalks though.”

I started to protest, then Jeff stepped in. “If he has his phone so we can track him, I’m okay with that. It’ll be good for him to try.”

I had to realize: it would be good for him to try! The delighted look on his face when we said “go for it,” told me just how much it meant to him.

And it was also good for me to practice giving him the independence he craved. (Although it sure wasn’t good for my ability to concentrate on our dinner conversation that night!)

Whether it is letting a young teenager try something new or letting your 17-year-old prove their responsibility as they stay home on their own for a night, letting them try will make their day.

How to Make Their Day #2: “Tell me more about that.”

Believe it or not, the vast majority of teens and tweens on our nationally-representative survey said they wanted to be able to share things with Mom and Dad. The issue is: they want to share them on their own terms, without feeling like they are getting yet more advice from our deep stores of parental wisdom.  

Without realizing it, when a child (of any age) shares something emotional—they were bullied at school, the teacher was unfair, they messed up in front of the coach—we parents have a pattern. We are so emotionally invested and want to help our child, that we jump into how to help them. (“Well, when you see the coach tomorrow, why don’t you ask if you can work through a few reps with them?”) 

That’s not what our kid is looking for. As we will probably hear quite forcefully when they say, “You never listen to me!” 

We are puzzled.  (“Of course I’m listening! I’ve been listening for 10 minutes!”) But what we don’t realize is that our child is wanting us to listen to their feelings. They need to work out all these tense, jangling, upset, emotions and what they most need is to hear us say, “Wow, tell me more about that. What happened then?” They need to hear us say, “That must have been really hard. I’m so sorry that happened.” That is what they need to feel heard.  

It is hard for us to essentially just shut up and draw out the feelings, but it will leave them feeling SO much better!

How to Make Their Day #3: “I’m sorry. Will you forgive me?”

I’m not sure why, but although we expect our kids to apologize to us when they have been difficult or disrespectful, we don’t always do the same. Every parent has hurt their child’s feelings. Every parent has gotten exasperated in a way that has made a child feel stupid. Every parent has been unduly harsh, has embarrassed their child, or has simply made a mistake in what they assumed about a child’s wrongdoing.

In the middle of the emotional pain that we have caused, it changes everything when we realize it and apologize. It takes humility to tell your child that you were wrong. To ask for forgiveness. But in doing so you are not only touching their heart, you are modeling something incredibly important.

And you have taken a terrible moment and turned it into a powerful one that will bring you and your child together in a very, very important way.

How to Make Their Day #4: “You’re amazing”

Yes, they will blush, stammer and try to brush it off. But tell your kid what you love and appreciate about them. Be specific. Tell your daughter how beautiful she is, inside and out. Tell your son how proud you are of him for stepping up to always take out the trash without being asked. Tell your kids what you liked about how they handled the difficult trip to visit the extended family, or how much you love their patience with their siblings.  

Give your kids a hug along with the words (it counts, if it’s a brief side-arm hug, for a non-touchy teen!), a smile, and let it just sit there. Then do the same thing again tomorrow. And the next day. 

Those words of affirmation are like fuel for your child’s heart.  

The best way to make your kids’ day—every day—is to make sure your child knows how much you love and appreciate them.

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Find Peace: A 40-day Devotional Journey For Moms, focuses on discovering biblical direction to become a woman of serenity and delight in all seasons – and have impact for generations to come.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post 4 Ways to Make Your Child’s Day appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Marriages CAN Be Happy For A Lifetime!

Last weekend, watching the Super Bowl, I was struck by two things: First, of course, is that my childhood football team won! (I was born in Kansas City, and even though I didn’t grow up there, my Grandpa had season tickets to the Chiefs. I eagerly went every chance I got!) But second, during the commercials (which I watched with just as much interest as the game), there were a lot of heart-warming moments. Not just funny or edgy—but truly, sincerely, intending to reach the heart. The most touching of those were the commercials that celebrated life-long love. Like the one from Google, with a man remembering his late wife, Loretta. 

So many people today doubt whether a life-long love is possible. So many people have become cynical, because we think (incorrectly!) that most marriages don’t last a lifetime. Or that most marriages are just sort of there. When the truth is that most marriages are strong and happy for a lifetime! So these commercials were a light in the darkness: a sweet, little reminder to the millions of viewers that a lifelong, happy marriage is possible! And even that it is easier and simpler than we think.

A Couple’s 75 th Wedding Anniversary

A heartwarming story published by Yahoo Style UK highlighted a couple celebrating their 75th wedding anniversary. The article told how the teens, Alison and Robert Snaddon, met in 1944 while dancing on a Saturday night. It included pictures of the couple holding hands and sitting on their couch.  It was a touching (true) story of a couple who are clearly still affectionate and in love after all these years.

The wife also commented on the secret to their success.  She shared her marital wisdom by exclaiming, “If you have an argument, get it sorted out—don’t carry it on.” 

Research Proves Resolving Conflict Quickly Makes a Big Difference

What she said about resolving conflict is one of those little things that makes a big, big difference. It is exactly what I found in the research with the happiest couples for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages. As we put it in the book: “Highly happy couples find that when they can’t resolve conflict and anger before bedtime, they choose to sleep on it. If anger remains in the morning, they don’t let it go unresolved; they deal with it.” 

We also discovered the reverse was true . . . and it should lead all of us to ask: am I letting things go instead of dealing with it? Forty-one percent of struggling couples who were not so happy, not only went to be angry, but reported not resolving the conflict the next day. By comparison, only five percent of highly happy couples did not resolve the conflict that night or the next day.  

Lifelong Marriage CAN Be Happy

It turns out that ensuring you deal with conflict soon and work to resolve it (including the next morning) is more important than resolving it before you go to sleep . . . contrary to the popular opinion that you can never go to bed mad. Whether Alice and Robert resolved their conflicts before going to bed or the following morning, we don’t know. What we do know is that they worked at it—and you can, too. What we do know is that they had a life-long, committed, happy marriage—and you can, too. 

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Find Peace: A 40-day Devotional Journey For Moms, focuses on discovering biblical direction to become a woman of serenity and delight in all seasons – and have impact for generations to come.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post Marriages CAN Be Happy For A Lifetime! appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Follow This One Simple Rule to Improve Your Relationship

If (like most people) you made some New Year’s resolutions this year, maybe one of them had to do with improving your relationship with your spouse. Wanting to love the most important person in our life well and “do better” in our marriage is a noble thing. But you’ve probably already discovered that moving from the goal (“I’m going to be sweet to my man 24/7”) to the reality (“Is this your towel on the bathroom floor? Again?”) isn’t easy. 

Well, I’d like to help. And I’m going to keep it very simple. In fact, I’m suggesting just one rule that can transform your relationship for the better. As a child, each of us was told, “You’ve got to learn to think before you speak.” But I’ve seen we need to refine that edict if we want a great marriage: we’ve got to learn to think before we blurt!

And it turns out that those of us who happen to be of the female gender need to be particularly mindful of this concept. Let me explain why. 

Women Tend To Process Their Thoughts Verbally.

We women already tend to be more verbal than our husbands, but we also tend to process our thoughts out loud. If we’re not careful, that can trigger an all-too-common problem. In our research with men, it was clear that one of a man’s most painful feelings comes when he tries to do something (fix the sink, dress the kids, find a new route around construction to the restaurant) and then gets the sense that he’s inadequate—that his wife has examined him and found him wanting. But in our research with women, it was clear that women think things through by talking them through; in other words, they start the process of examination by jumping in and analyzing it verbally.

See the problem? All too often, we women casually throw something out there (“Why’d you go down Main Street? All these stoplights will make us late.”) and we think we’re opening a conversation. After all, another woman would catch the conversational ball and say “Oh, I’m only going to be on Main Street two blocks. There’s a parallel road I’m going to try in a second, and that should be faster.” But because most men don’t generally process out loud, our man hears what we blurt out—our conversational starting point—and thinks it’s an ending point.

When A Man Interprets What He Hears As Criticism, He Feels Inadequate And Gets Angry.

So when we ask why he’s going down Main Street, he hears: “I’ve thought it through and decided you’re an idiot for going this way.” In his mind, he was trying his best to get around a challenging situation, and make you happy by getting the two of you to dinner with friends on time—and you’re saying that he utterly failed. He feels inadequate, stupid and humiliated. So he gets angry (a man’s signal of feeling inadequate) and stops talking.

You notice that he seems a bit upset, and then you get defensive. “For goodness sake,” you blurt out, in Round Two of trying to explore what is happening, “What did I say? There’s no need to get so oversensitive!” Great, he thinks, Not only am I stupid for trying to do something nice, but now I’m a jerk for not liking the fact that I’m being made to feel stupid. At that point he really shuts down. He gets that look on his face. That look that says we probably won’t be having a nice evening together at the restaurant.

Think Before You Blurt!

We can change this pattern by learning to think before we blurt. It is easy enough in theory, but in practice will require the same attentiveness you put into learning how to think before you spoke as a kid. It means learning those situations where you’ll have a tendency to throw something out there that could hurt your man’s feelings without you ever intending to.

For example, any time you see him do something that seems odd, or foolish, or like a bad choice, instead of just throwing out “why ______?” stop and realize that not only might he have a perfectly good reason, but he’s going to interpret your questioning as criticism. And let’s be honest: in a way, he’s right. After all, you wouldn’t be mentioning it at all if you thought he was on the right track, would you?

Communicate With Your Spouse In An Affirming, Loving Way.

So either wait and see what happens (which he will deeply appreciate), or, if you truly need to say something, pause and be sure you’re saying it in a way that will limit the chance of being perceived as criticizing him. One good option: start with affirmation, and explain that the reason you’re saying anything is that you’re troubled. “Honey, I know you usually avoid this street because of all the stop lights. I’m just a bit anxious about being there on time.” 

As one man explained to me, “If you can help me understand the cost to you in this choice I’ve made, it makes me much more willing to be open to suggestions or questions. Because then it isn’t criticism. It’s explaining that you’re anxious—and then I can help solve that for you.” 

If you want to build a different habit, the best method is to practice catching yourself before you say things that could be seen as negative, and say affirming things instead. Consider taking the 30-Day Kindness Challenge, which will help you do exactly that. 

To pursue your goal of a healthier and happier marriage, learn to use the pause. In the small space between impulse and action, make the choice to communicate with your spouse in an affirming, loving way. Following that one simple rule can have a powerfully positive impact on your relationship this year—and always.

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Find Peace: A 40-day Devotional Journey For Moms, focuses on discovering biblical direction to become a woman of serenity and delight in all seasons – and have impact for generations to come.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post Follow This One Simple Rule to Improve Your Relationship appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Mystery Solved: 3 Things You Never Understood About How Your Wife Thinks

It’s funny. When Jeff and I speak at marriage conferences, or when I speak at women’s events, it is extremely common for a man to come up to us with a particular LOOK in his eyes as he is about to open his mouth to say something. It is hard to describe the look, but when I see it, I know exactly what he is going to say.

The look is part grateful, part absolutely bemused and part the look of a man who is about to say—“I have to tell you something!”

Cue our grins. We already know where this is going.

“I read For Men Only.” (Or, “I heard you guys on a podcast” or “I was at one of your conferences.”) “And that thing you said about the open windows . . . !” If his wife is nearby, she usually looks at him with a huge smile. “I had no idea!” 

So, to all my male friends out there, here’s a short version of a little tip that will yield BIG results in your marriage or relationship. (And frankly, will help reduce drama and improve the quality of any relationship, including with a daughter, female colleague, mother-in-law, and so on.) There are three simple things you probably don’t know, but need to!

#1: A Woman’s Brain Is Like A Computer Desktop With Ten Windows Open At Once

Of course there are exceptions. But for most men, your brain wiring is more like a computer desktop with one window open at a time. You work on whatever thought, feeling, problem you’re engaging with, then you finish it, click the “x” to close out that thought window, and open the next one.  

Your wife is not like that. If she is like the majority of women (about eight in ten), her brain wiring is like a computer desktop with many windows open at a time. And she is bouncing back and forth between all of them, all at once. Five, ten, fifteen thoughts, feelings, worries, problems to solve.  

If you want an interesting exercise, turn to your wife and ask, “So what is in your mind right now?” (“Oh!  Well, I’m thinking about the analysis I have to turn in on Monday to my boss. And I’m wondering whether my colleague is going to get me her piece in time. And whether the presentation is too late in the day, and if we run late, how am I going to be able to pick up Callie by the time track practice is over. So I’m thinking I need to call my friend to see if she can get her instead. And also that I haven’t done meal planning yet for next week, and I probably won’t have time this weekend. But that if we eat out too much we’re going to blow our vacation budget . . .”)

See what I mean? Ten windows. But that’s not all.

#2 You Can Usually Close Windows That Are Bothering You. She Usually Cannot.

Imagine that you’re trying to focus on one thought or problem, and suddenly another thought or worry tries to intrude. What do you do? If you’re like most men, you simply click the “x” to close that annoying window so you can focus on the first one. If your wife is like most women, that doesn’t work. According to our surveys, she probably can’t just “close out” windows that are bothering her. Instead, she probably needs to take some action to resolve it.

Suppose your wife arrives home from work, upset because her boss embarrassed her in front of the team. It really upset her, and she’s wondering what things are going to be like when she goes in tomorrow. Is her colleague going to be on her side? Is her boss going to do it again? Did anyone see the tears that leaked from her eyes? She ponders it several times during the evening. Now you know: This is an “open window” that is bothering her.

You love your wife. You are worried about how upset she is. So you might say, “Honey, since you can’t do anything about it until tomorrow, just don’t think about it.”

You are trying to be helpful and caring! But what you’re saying is “Just click the ‘x’ and close the window.” And she has no idea what you are talking about. In most cases, she can’t just decide to “not think about it.” That is not how her brain is wired. She has to take some action to resolve it.

And here’s where you can start to get major brownie points.

#3. You Will Make Her Feel Loved If You Say, “Is This An Open Window? I’m So Sorry. Is There Something That Would Make You Feel Better?”

Guys, the next time you find yourself wanting to say, “Just don’t think about it” or, “Just don’t let it bother you,” stop. Stop, and think to yourself, “This is my chance to make her feel loved.” And instead say, “Is this an open window? I’m so sorry. Is there something that you want to do here, that would make you feel better?”

You are recognizing an open window that will be flashing at her until she takes action. And instead of making her feel a bit silly for wanting to do something that would make her feel better, you now have the opportunity to encourage her to do that if she wants to.

“Would doing something tonight make you feel better?”

“Well . . . yeah. I was thinking I wanted to text Jessica and ask what she thought about that incident, and whether I should send my boss an email tonight. It might be good to get on top of it and ask to speak to him first thing before we start our meetings tomorrow morning.”

“If that would make you feel better about the situation, I think you should totally do it. It’s a good idea.”

As long as you are being sincerely supportive (including offering adjustments if you think her idea needs some tweaking), this simple action on your part is doing something profound: it is sharing her load. It is showing her love and helping her with something that is causing her distress. And it is making her really, really grateful for you.

THAT is why we have so many men come up to us at our events with that bemused, grateful look on their faces. They are completely bemused that a) this is true and b) that it matters so much! And they are grateful that they have a chance to show their wives how much they love them.

Guys, this is such a simple thing. Ask your wife if it matters. And if it does—enjoy.

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Find Peace: A 40-day Devotional Journey For Moms, focuses on discovering biblical direction to become a woman of serenity and delight in all seasons – and have impact for generations to come.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post Mystery Solved: 3 Things You Never Understood About How Your Wife Thinks appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Join the Launch Team for my new book!

Hi friends! I am thrilled to announce that our next book is about to be published – and we are seeking those who want to be part of our launch team! 

Three years and thousands of surveys and prayers later, Jeff and I are so excited to announce that Thriving in Love and Money: 5 Game-Changing Insights About Your Relationship, Your Money and Yourself will be released March 3. 

We’re looking for people who can join our launch team to help spread the word! You will exclusively get the book before anyone else and be an integral part in helping countless couples create great relationships. (Click here if you want more information!)

This book tackles in a whole new way, the top issue that affects marriages every day: MONEY.  Before the research, Jeff and I were probably like many of you: we didn’t “fight” about money – we just avoided talking about it!  And yet what we discovered is that money tension (which affects 92% of couples!) is not about the money.  It’s about how money makes us feel. It’s about all sorts of stuff under the surface.  And once we know why we respond the way we do – and why our spouse does! – we can talk about money easily. We move from conflict to connection!

If you want to help us get the word out about a book that has nothing to do with budgeting and everything to do with a better relationship around money – click here to join the launch team now!

The post Join the Launch Team for my new book! appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Lessons From A Lost Love Note

My friend was browsing at a Goodwill outside Atlanta, when she spotted a book (Really Bad Girls of the Bible) she had been wanting to read. Later, imagine her surprise when she saw a short note from the previous owner, tucked carefully between the pages. Except… it wasn’t from the owner, but the previous owner’s husband. 

It wasn’t long, just 7 sentences. And it was stumbling and awkward in spots. But it was clearly one average husband’s attempt to put into writing his love for his wife.

“Dear ___,

I think so much of you as a wife and as a mother. I know how much you have sacrificed over the years raising two beautiful children with your loving heart.

But I also want you to know that I admire you as my wife and my friend and my lover. I do long for time alone with you, not wanting to share you with everyone. I long for our time together where we will talk, not about the kids or the next bill to be paid, but of our lives together.

You are my beautiful flower and I hope I will get better at “watering” you with my love and being more kind to you. I hope I can continue to give you a life and a partner that you can love more deeply. 

Love always, 

_____”

So sweet, right?  We romantics might sigh, “I wish my husband would do that…”

But do we really?

Here’s where we have to look closer at what this vulnerable husband was really saying – and wonder: how would we respond?

What was he really saying?: “I’m so sorry.” 

There’s no way to really know, of course. But when I looked more closely at this note, I realized: this might have been serious.  This might have been a deep, gut-wrenching apology.

The more I read it, the more I picture a wife who has finally told her husband: I am feeling unloved. We don’t spend time together, except to talk about the bills or the kids. I feel like you don’t care about me. You’re not kind; you snap at me.

She might even have told him she has shut down.  Or even that she doesn’t know if she wants to go on. He pours out his grief and his longing: “I hope I can continue to give you a life and a partner that you can love more deeply.”

What was he thinking?  “I love her so, so much!”

I picture this man sitting down and trying to convey on paper, just how much he loves his wife.

In our research about men, one of the clearest pieces of data was how much men adore their wives… and wonder how on earth to help them realize that.  Yes, the men often work a lot.  Yes, they get stressed.  Yes they can get myopic about whether they are getting enough overtime to pay the bills, and can totally miss that their wife is feeling lonely, discouraged, and turning to girlfriends or kids’ activities for companionship and comfort.  But most men adore their wives.  

And men in troubled relationships may not even realize how serious it is for their wives — because they just assume things will be fine. Not because the men don’t care enough to listen and watch (which is what a hurting wife might assume), but because they simply don’t realize how much even the most secure-looking wife is secretly wondering “Am I loveable?” And “Does he really love me?”  Most men don’t have those sorts of questions themselves, and truly don’t realize that their wives do.  They don’t know their beautiful, beloved wife has those questions every day–and needs to hear the answer every day.

(Instead, statistically, a man’s hidden question is usually “Am I adequate to the task… such as providing for the family?”  Hence the myopic focus on overtime. Which his wife doesn’t understand, because she is less likely to have that hidden question!) 

What was she (and what are we) willing to do in the midst of hurt?

If that love note really was an apology, I wonder how that wife handled it.  And it makes me wonder: how do I handle it? How do we?

Do we believe in the truth of our man’s love, despite the hurt? Or do we let the hurt define what we believe to be true about his love?  

Certainly, there are sad cases where one spouse truly is abusive or doesn’t have goodwill toward his wife (or a wife toward her husband, for that matter!).  But those situations are rare.  And looking at this from the outside, most of us look at that letter and say to ourselves: he clearly loves her!  I hope she gave him another chance!  I hope they worked it out! 

But what it really comes down to is: I hope she believed him.

Are we willing to hold ourselves to that standard? In our research on what creates happy marriages, that was one of the most important factors. Do we believe the best of our spouse’s intentions toward us, even when we’re hurt?  We can have hard conversations (which this wife presumably did), and we can and should create and hold boundaries when needed. But we also need to hold ourselves to a standard of assuming this truth: I know my husband loves me. I know he cares about me.  So I know we can work this out.  

Your husband and mine may not write love letters. But we can still believe in his love. As I hope this wife did.

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Find Peace: A 40-day Devotional Journey For Moms, focuses on discovering biblical direction to become a woman of serenity and delight in all seasons – and have impact for generations to come.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post Lessons From A Lost Love Note appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.