Shaunti Feldhahn's Blog, page 30

When You Exchange Gifts, Watch Out For This Conflict

Whenever her husband Will gives her a gift, Erin is torn. Instead of being excited about the beautiful necklace, phone upgrade, or trendy shoes, all she can think of is how far the expense is taking them over their budget. When she blurts out another “Thank you, but…”, Will always gives her the same crestfallen look. He just can’t understand the “but.” He wants to make her feel special, and money is no object because everything she does for him and the kids is priceless to Will.

Erin loves her husband dearly and appreciates his desire to make her feel cherished. But they’ve been working so hard to finally get their college loans paid off. Once that debt is gone they can start putting more money towards the down payment for a bigger house with the additional bedroom they desperately need and a bigger yard for the kids to play in. She sees Will’s gifts as extravagant expenses that keep pushing the student debt finish line further away.

So where is this conflict between Erin and Will coming from? They both want the best for each other and for their family! In our latest book, Thriving in Love and Money, Jeff and I identify key areas where spouses can learn to communicate better, understand each other, and resolve (or avoid) money clashes like Erin and Will’s.

Let’s take a closer look at what might be behind their conflict, to help you and your spouse better understand your own money issues.

Spouses Often Have Different Viewpoints Around Money

The foundational truth that we share in Thriving in Love and Money is that money issues aren’t really about the money. If they were, people who had plenty of money wouldn’t have any arguments about it! The reality is that people have very different values and beliefs about money. And when we put two unique individuals together in a marriage, those disparate values and beliefs can (surprise!) create conflict.

For Will—and maybe for you or your spouse—money is a tool to be used, not tucked away for a rainy day. He takes one day at a time, approaching expenses with the belief that the money will take care of itself as long as he and Erin work hard and are generally responsible about their finances. For Erin—and maybe for you or your spouse—delayed gratification plays a big part in her financial approach. She keeps the big picture in mind and is willing to make sacrifices today that will pay off in the long run.

It’s clear that these two financial approaches—both valid, both reasonable—are rooted in values that express an overall approach to life. So how do Erin and Will—you and your spouse—reconcile these different approaches?

Talk With Your Spouse About Your Money Beliefs

Communication is key. We need to talk to our spouses about what’s behind our financial decisions. Maybe the loss of Will’s dad at a young age has made him determined not to put every spare penny aside for a far-off day that may never come. Erin might remember her dad and mom working long hours at extra jobs to make ends meet—giving her the resolve to value family time over things.

A woman we interviewed for Thriving in Love and Money felt, like Erin, that her husband was giving her gifts that were too extravagant. When she looked more deeply into her own behavior and expectations, she realized that her childhood experience of poverty was carrying over into her present-day relationship. She said, “The day he tried to take me to the Apple store for the iPad and I was so snitty about it, I realized: I have to get over myself. I have to just say ‘thank you’ when he wants to do something nice for me.”

We all have knee-jerk reactions that reflect our money beliefs, and Erin’s “Thank you, but…” response to Will’s gifts is one example.

When Gift-Giving Conflicts Arise, Show Grace and Gratitude

Look for ways to meet both spouse’s short-term wants and needs without impacting your long-term goals. And have grace with your spouse. Yes, there will be times when we need to hold a hard line on expenses. But know and believe that your spouse has your best in mind. Be grateful for generosity, be thankful for restraint. Instead of clashing without giving in, soften and allow your different perspectives to complement one another.

Erin and Will agreed to limit his higher-priced gifts to two occasions: her birthday and their anniversary. He has committed to stay within an established price range. And Erin has determined that she will eliminate the “but” and simply say “Thank you.”

When you make the effort to understand and honor your spouse’s unique perspective and values as presents are exchanged over the holidays (and all year round), you’ll give—and receive—a gift much greater than money can buy.

Are you currently reading my latest devotional, Find Joy? Please leave a book review on Amazon!

And check out her latest book (co-authored with her husband, Jeff), Thriving in Love and Money. Because you need a better relationship, not just a better budget.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post When You Exchange Gifts, Watch Out For This Conflict appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

This Is What Makes Your Man Vulnerable—Be Aware And Take Care!

An iceberg is typically 90% below the surface, with only 10% visible. Does your man ever seem like that iceberg, with so much hiding under the surface compared to the small portion you can actually see? Like many men, he probably doesn’t volunteer a whole lot about what he’s thinking and feeling deep down.

So if your husband’s mood turns a bit icy when you ask him certain questions, you can feel the chill, but you might not know why he’s responding in that way. You’re seeing the small visible portion—his response—without being aware of the thoughts and feelings that are submerged underneath. And you’re left wondering what’s going on.

In researching my book For Women Only, we learned a lot about what men are really thinking and feeling so I have a good idea what’s underneath your husband’s reaction. It’s a hidden vulnerability that goes to the very core of his being.

By understanding that vulnerability and being sensitive to it, you can build your man up in the way that he needs—and eliminate some of those chilly moments in your relationship.

Men Experience Much More Self-Doubt Than Women Realize

Most men appear confident and strong on the outside. That’s the tip of the iceberg that you see every day. But what’s hiding beneath the surface is self-doubt and insecurity. And the scope of that self-doubt is much bigger than we women realize. A man wants to be good at what he does—to be a good husband or father, for example—and he longs to know that you think he’s good at what he does. So feeling like you admire and appreciate him is like oxygen to a man. At the same time, because of this deep self-doubt, a man’s most private—and painful—question is: “Am I any good as a husband, a father, a businessman? Am I adequate? Do I measure up?” And every day, he’s looking to the woman in his life for clues in answering that question.

This self-doubt is your husband’s secret vulnerability. It’s like a painful, raw nerve. And you—the most important person in his life—can hit that nerve without even realizing you’re doing it. You can deeply hurt the man in your life without ever intending to.

Men Constantly Question Their Competence

Here’s one example. When you ask what to you is a simple question—”why did you give the kids fast food for dinner again?”—he hears this: “you can’t provide decent meals for the kids, you’re not cutting it as a father, let me take over and do it right.”

Now, if he responds to the question by getting angry (which is a man’s signal of feeling inadequate), it’s easy to dismiss it as him being oversensitive—but don’t. Put yourself in his shoes. Remember that he deeply wants to be a great dad—but he also deeply doubts his ability to be one. And now (in his mind) you just confirmed he’s incompetent, so it would just be a lot easier to not even try next time.

Yes, that is truly how men think. All the time.

Now imagine what would happen if you were aware of that self-doubt hidden below the surface, if you understood his vulnerability. If you recognized that it’s not so much what you say as how you say it. For example, if you need to ask why the kids had fast food, it would make a big difference if you said, “I know you were pressed for time between soccer and youth group. Thanks for taking care of dinner. Next time they beg you for chicken nuggets and fries, you should give that new sandwich place a try! I hear it’s good!”

Be Sensitive To Your Man’s Vulnerability

But there’s even another possible way to respond. This one is much more difficult—and far more powerful. Force yourself to not ask the question at all and just say “thanks.” Choose to trust that he is capable but may just have different judgment than you—and that is okay. Try not saying “did you do this and this and this while I was gone?” Your intent is information gathering, but to him it sounds (and feels) like you’re checking up on him. It is so hard to let go enough to do that, but even if you only do it sometimes, it frees a man up to be a husband and dad in the way he wants to be.

Of course, we can’t put our brains on hold, and from time to time we may have to raise truly important issues. And yes, there may be times your hubby gets so caught up in the basketball game that he misses little Connor’s bedtime even though you reminded him about the math test tomorrow.

But here’s the bottom line question—especially for us women who are used to taking charge and may need reminding of the big picture. Ask yourself: what is more important? Little Connor’s sleep and his math score? Or meeting your husband’s most important need of feeling that you respect him and think he’s a great dad—especially if he actually does make a mistake from time to time, which he already feels bad about?

When you look at it that way, making the choice to honor your husband is easy.

Build Your Husband Up By Believing In Him

Your man does want to do what’s best for you and for the family. And while there will be some unfortunate exceptions, the vast majority of married men (more than 99% on my surveys) care deeply and sincerely about their wives. A man wants to be the man his wife needs. But he wrestles with the self-doubt that’s hiding below the surface—every single day. So use your knowledge of this vulnerability with care. Show your man that you believe in him. Build him up with your appreciation, understanding and love. Every single day.

Want to know more of the little things that make big differences in your relationships—whether it’s love, parenting, work, or friendships? Subscribe for more from Shaunti here!

And check out her latest book (co-authored with her husband, Jeff), Thriving in Love and Money. Because you need a better relationship, not just a better budget.

Have you already received your copy of Find Joy? Please leave a book review on Amazon!

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post This Is What Makes Your Man Vulnerable—Be Aware And Take Care! appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

What Happens When God Interrupts Us In The Midst Of Our Stress?

We’re heading into that crazy busy time of year known as the holiday season. And according to the store decorations, the holiday music on the radio, and multiple social media posts of friends putting up their trees before Thanksgiving, we’re already there!

For a lot of us, though, we’re just not ready for the holidays because it feels like we’re starting the season with our tanks on empty. This year, our levels of fatigue and frustration are already off the charts. So looking at calendars and to-do lists can be extra overwhelming as we gear up for the season ahead. From that perspective, every day holds another mountain to be climbed. And at the end of the day we drop into bed only to do it all over again the next day. Another day, another mountain.

Unfortunately, we are in danger of missing the awe and wonder—the joy—we’re meant to experience when we get wrapped up in worry over all the details, demands, and tasks that lie before us.

That’s exactly how I was feeling as I was finishing up a major book project on a deadline a few years ago. All I could see was the mountain of work ahead and the seeming impossibility of finishing it on time. But God stepped into the midst of my stress and anxiety. He had different plans, and an unexpected assignment for me. Every time I think about how God redirected my steps and shifted my focus that evening, I’m reminded that His plans are so much greater than mine.

I told the story in my latest devotional Find Joy: A Devotional Journey To Unshakable Wonder in an Uncertain World, and to encourage you as you face your own mountain today, I’d like to share it with you! (It’s just one of a total of sixty days!)

* * *

An impossible mountain was looming that night, and it was all I could see. After two years of work, I had eight days to finish the most challenging research and book project I’d ever done. The deadline couldn’t be extended again. I was exhausted and discouraged. How on earth was I going to get this done on time?

Then I got a tearful call from my college-freshman daughter, Morgen, who had just started final exams. She had three finals in the next two days . . . and was suddenly feeling sick and miserable, like a bad cold was starting. The drugstore was closed. What was she to do?

I prayed for her and suggested she ask if anyone in her dorm had one of those cold remedies that reduce the severity of a cold if you start it quickly. As we hung up, I tried not to let the worry about her overwhelm me. I had a major chapter to finish.

But something wouldn’t let me start typing. Or, I should say, Someone. I started to feel this crazy sense that I should take a few hours and drive to Morgen’s dorm with some soup, ginger ale, and the medicine she needed.

I know it sounds horrible that I even wrestled with it, but I did. “But Lord,” I said, “Surely one of her friends has a cold remedy!” “But Lord, if I take hours for this, how will I meet the deadline? Our finances for the next year depend on this book being published on time!”

As if God didn’t know that already.

And I knew what God was saying. My little girl was feeling miserable. She needed the cold remedy quickly. But more importantly, she needed a hug from mom. So I waved farewell to my mountain, hopped in the car, and went to see my daughter.

When I got there, she broke into tears again and told me my visit made a huge difference. But I realized it was making a huge difference to me as well. My heart started to feel a sense of simple enjoyment of life that I hadn’t felt in weeks. Funnily enough, it energized me so much that I was able to drive home and finalize that entire key chapter that night.

Sisters, we can stare at our looming mountain for so long that we take our eyes off of everything else. We lose the big picture. But serving someone else gets us out of ourselves. We are suddenly able to remember that we are the hands and feet of Jesus, serving at His pleasure and willing to be redirected to whichever mountain He chooses that day.

And when we do, stress is replaced by trust and an expectant eagerness to see how He will work. It brings delight. Allowing God to pull us away from our schedules and use us to serve others allows Him to minister to us, too.

* Excerpts taken from Shaunti’s newest book, Find Joy: A Devotional Journey to Unshakable Wonder in an Uncertain World from iDisciple Publishing.

Have you already received your copy of Find Joy? Please leave a book review on  Amazon !

Want to know more of the little things that make big differences in your relationships—whether it’s love, parenting, work, or friendships? Subscribe for more from Shaunti here!

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post What Happens When God Interrupts Us In The Midst Of Our Stress? appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

This One Thing Makes a Huge Difference for Your Teen

Parents, I have some encouraging news for you. Although we’re all suffering from just a smidge of PTSD this year, we have also learned some really important lessons. And I’m not just talking about discovering that the kids won’t interrupt your Zoom meetings if you hide in your laundry closet.

I’m talking about some crucial truths that have been left standing when everything else has been shaken. Especially for those of us who have kids at home.

We’ve all been concerned about how the pandemic was impacting our kids—especially our teens and tweens. Schooling, academic progress and college prospects aren’t the only things disrupted. Just as worrisome for many, are missing the sorts of activities and passions that create joy and are even key to developing a balanced life. Sports practice, club meetings, theater rehearsals, dance recitals, youth groups, church retreats, sleepovers, movie outings—all gone. Not to mention that I personally know Seniors who had planned their whole lives for the day when a college scout or talent agent would come see them play, sing or debate—only to discover that such a day would never come.

All of that is concerning and sad. But what if I told you that there is a much, much more fundamental factor running under the surface, that has not only kept most kids from being emotionally devastated by this season, but has also led many of them to actually thrive in some very important ways during this time? What if I told you that recent studies have found this factor even leads to great resilience in our teens and tweens—and that it is something you can foster every day once you know it matters?

It is so crucial to know these facts before life “gets back to normal” (or at least closer to it!), so you can be prepared to not lose this crucial factor in your teen or tween’s life. Let’s dive into some of the details.

During This Pandemic, Teens Have Felt Better And Been LESS Depressed And Lonely!

A study by The Institute for Family Studies and the Wheatley Institution measured adolescent well-being during the COVID-19 pandemic. They found that despite all the uncertainty and stress, teenagers’ well-being actually rose! For example, depression and loneliness were lower among teens in 2020 than in 2018! That’s not only surprising, but incredibly encouraging. The report reveals how and why teens have been more resilient than expected.

Here’s the key: teens who spent more time with their families and who felt more connected to them were less likely to report being depressed. Although there are certainly exceptions, in general, most kids were in a better place emotionally simply because by default they spent more time with Mom and Dad.

How can that be, you might ask, when you’ve felt like you’ve been distracted and unavailable by trying to juggle virtual work and parenting?

Even If You Haven’t Felt Like You Were “There”—You Were

Since many of us have just been trying to survive, we’ve felt like the exact opposite of a great parent. Personally, I have often had the feeling of being so stretched by just trying to make it through this time, that I have worried I’m not doing anything well.

Yet it turns out, it’s not always about us “doing” stuff. Rather, our kids have been positively impacted just by being around us and with us so much more. It didn’t matter that we couldn’t arrange the perfect origami, homeschooling, or virtual piano lesson to keep our middle schooler occupied during our Zoom meetings, or that we had to resort to Disney+ as a babysitter for chunks of the day. Apparently, there have been many, many other chunks of the day—far more than we realized—in which we were available to listen to a concern, give a hug, cheer on a winning video game, bake bread together, or watch a family movie. And that has made an enormous difference to their well-being.

Yes, the activities our kids love have been reduced or cancelled, and that is so sad for all of us. And our own work and activities have been pretty radically disrupted in many cases too. Personally, in our case, our household income was drastically affected by the cancellation of all our speaking engagements. But despite all of that, there is a true silver lining. If things have to be so disrupted, it is priceless to know that our kids have grown closer to us as we simply spend more time together in the same house. And that growing closer also helps them become much more confident in themselves at the same time!

Teens Spent Less Time On Social Media

Another finding from that study is that teens spent less time on social media and gaming in 2020 compared to teens in 2018. The result? They were a bit removed from the usual toxic social drama.

Yes, social media was still their main way of interfacing with their world. But instead of being eaten up inside by seeing in-person emphasis of online destruction, they felt distant from it. Or they simply weren’t interfacing as often. And as a result, they were a bit . . . detached. Positive stuff was still fun, but the negative stuff didn’t hold as much power over them.

Not to mention that being more engaged with family and fewer opportunities to connect with peers IRL (in real life) undoubtedly provided relief from peer pressure and other negative influences.

The Bottom Line

Here’s what W. Bradford Wilcox, senior fellow at IFS, said about the study results: “For teens fortunate enough to be in families that have come through the COVID crucible stronger, it looks like we’re seeing surprisingly good psychological outcomes in 2020. One of the unforeseen outcomes of the quarantines is that teens spent more time with their parents under normal circumstances. For all the difficulties this presents, this aspect appears to have been a gift.”

We need to chase after that gift of family time, now and long after this crisis has passed.

So what do we do?

Continue To Simply Hang Out And Be Physically Present With Your Teen, Even After The Crisis Has Passed

We’re all home more than usual now, which allows family time to just “happen” without much planning or effort. Once things open back up, we’ll have to be more intentional about making family time a priority. But even then, we can remember this surprising, encouraging, unexpected truth from 2020: simply hanging out together, being in physical proximity, and doing something as “normal” as baking bread or sharing YouTube videos back and forth can make a huge difference.

Long after this season has passed, spend time with your teen having fun, building connection, and creating memories. That time—your presence—will help them develop the resilience and confidence they’ll need to handle all the stressful situations life is going to throw their way.

Want to know more of the little things that make big differences in your relationships—whether it’s love, parenting, work, or friendships? Subscribe for more from Shaunti here!

And check out her latest book (co-authored with her husband, Jeff), Thriving in Love and Money. Because you need a better relationship, not just a better budget.

Are you currently reading my latest devotional, Find Joy? Please leave a book review on Amazon!

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post This One Thing Makes a Huge Difference for Your Teen appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

My Gift to You: A Devotion from “Find Joy”

Hello Friends,

November ushers us into a season when we are more intentional about reflecting on all we have to be thankful for. This year, especially, let’s keep that tradition and place our focus on gratitude, kindness, and joy.

And I am very grateful for you! As an expression of thanks, here’s a small gift—an excerpt from my latest devotional, Find Joy.

When Anika and Kevin adopted a young boy who had been traumatized from birth, they quickly learned that he had a lot of rage, anger, and sadness—and it was daily going to be heaped onto his new mom.

Thankfully, Anika found a support group of similar moms that met every week or so. Suddenly, sanity! These women intimately understood her journey and could help navigate the choppy waters. For several years they shared stories, tears, groans, laughter, advice—and supported each other in hardships that would be difficult for an “outsider” to comprehend.

One day, when her son was seven years old, Anika heard about an initiative I had developed called The 30-Day Kindness Challenge, which helps improve your relationship with any person in your life. She instinctively felt God calling her to do it for her son. But she was a bit panicked about one of the main requirements: for 30 days, you say nothing negative about your person—either to them or about them to someone else! What about her support group? How would it work if she couldn’t say anything negative about her son and their struggles?

Despite her misgivings, she went ahead with the challenge . . . and had a deep, convicting realization at the next support group meeting.

Anika realized that talking negatively about the experiences with her son had not actually been as healthy or as helpful as she originally thought. Instead, she had been feeling . . . pleasure. She hadn’t been bringing forward these stories to get sober-minded advice and prayer as much as for the pleasure of saying, “You would not believe what happened yesterday!”

She had been using that time with her friends to express her own anger and stoke the fire of discontent, and—if she was truly honest with herself—a deep worry that things would never change.

When we’re angry, we think it is healthy to vent or “let out a little steam” from the kettle so it doesn’t explode, right?

Wrong. Neuroscientists have found the truth is the opposite. When we “vent” in that way, we are actually activating an interconnected anger system in the brain. We’re actually turning up the heat!

Sisters, ironically, when we “vent,” it isn’t the bad feelings that are leaving us. It is our joy.

Anika realized she did indeed need to share about certain difficulties with her son. But when she reported it neutrally, as if she were sharing a news article, she eliminated the angry pleasure she had been feeling. She found herself genuinely seeking advice and also feeling less angry toward her son. A surprising, sweet joy began filling her heart. She really did love her son. And for the first time in a long time, she felt hopeful that things could change for the better.

* Excerpts taken from Shaunti’s newest book, Find Joy: A Devotional Journey to Unshakable Wonder in an Uncertain World from iDisciple Publishing 

Have you already received your copy of Find Joy? Please leave a book review on Amazon!

Want to know more of the little things that make big differences in your relationships—whether it’s love, parenting, work, or friendships? Subscribe for more from Shaunti here!

And check out her latest book (co-authored with her husband, Jeff), Thriving in Love and Money. Because you need a better relationship, not just a better budget.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post My Gift to You: A Devotion from “Find Joy” appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

For the Next Few Weeks, We Have a Choice to Make

In a few hours, the polls will close. And for the next few days or weeks, we’ll all have a choice to make: how are we going to handle the outcome of the election? Especially if the “outcome” means flying through intense political turbulence, as simmering frustrations, uncertainties and fears boil over around us.

If—or more likely, when—we see that turmoil, let’s resolve to be characterized by something very different. No matter what is going on around us, and no matter how relieved, disappointed, uncertain, elated, anguished or “over it” we are, we need to be marked by an unshakable kindness, joy and peace.

How does that become our reality? Especially if we or those among us feel crushed by a particular result? A few key principles and actions will make all the difference—not just outwardly to a watching world, but within us as well.

How Will We Act, Think And Feel If “Our Person” Loses—Especially If We Feel The Result Is Unfair In Some Way?

We need to think ahead of time about how we are going to handle ourselves if “our person” loses, especially if we think there was unfairness involved, and what we are going to model for our kids, our friends, our community. Because with so many races running so close, we would be foolish to not decide that now.

As Mary Renault put it in The Charioteer, “There is only one kind of shock worse than the totally unexpected: the expected for which one has refused to prepare.”

This isn’t just about the presidential race, but about any race we care about. One of my closest friends is running for our State House of Representatives, and her opponent has played every underhanded, dirty trick in the book. I can find my blood pressure rising at the thought that my dear friend—who would be so good in that role—might lose because her opponent sent out volunteers to steal all her yard signs and harass her via dozens of false reports to election officials.

Politics can be a dirty business . . . and we need to decide ahead of time that we won’t be. In fact, that we will be the opposite. The “Golden Rule” that we teach to our kids, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” as actually stated by Jesus, is about exactly this situation. In context (see Luke 6:27-31), He is essentially saying, “I want you to treat the people who are being cruel and underhanded with you, in the kind and grace-filled way that you wish they were treating you.”

Our Kindness To Others Transforms Everyone

In years of research (especially for The Kindness Challenge) we’ve found that kindness, specifically, has a power to transform that is unparalleled in social science. The acts and attitudes of kindness change us …and then each of our relationships… and then everything around us.

Today, we may feel like we’re powerless in a swirling sea of conflict and chaos—but that is absolutely not true. Our kindness has the power to change the world we live in. This world that has become epically harsh, vastly more divided—yes, even this world, this culture can be transformed by our words and actions.

We are called to be those agents of change—which may first involve changing us.

Yes, speak truth as you believe you are called to speak. But only if you can speak truth in love. (See Ephesians 4:15.) Yes, participate in your civic duty of voting and encourage others to do the same. But when you come up against those who are harsh and cruel, as you surely will, never respond in kind. Absolutely stand up for those policies that you think are crucial. But have the humility to realize that wise and faithful people can legitimately disagree. The fact that your friend or family member doesn’t agree with you doesn’t mean that they are suddenly foolish or complicit with the forces of darkness.

Through kindness and love—especially when provoked—we can be a potent presence that transforms everything around us.

We Transform A Culture One Person At A Time

Our kindness is transformative one person, one conversation, one social media post at a time.

There’s no such thing as engaging a culture. A culture is made up of people. We engage with each individual person. Which means accepting that we are called to truly love that one person in front of us or on our social media feed even when we really don’t want to—especially when we don’t want to! It means trusting that each individual display of restraint, calmness, positivity, and trust will have a chance of diverting the person we’re interacting with away from their anger or catastrophizing or fear. And then maybe the next person. And the next.

It also means making a purposeful effort to truly be in the world (engaging even the difficult situations) without being of the world (without ever being difficult ourselves). And when we do this, according to our national research study, here’s how those one-on-one choices will change our culture’s deep patterns of hurt:

First, Kindness Transforms Us Even As We Practice It

The most important aspect of intentional kindness is not what it does for others, but how it changes us. We suddenly see our own “kindness blindness”—those areas we were impatient, irritated, sarcastic, defeatist or distracted that we simply didn’t notice before! Sometimes that blindness even extends to unkindness towards ourselves.

Second, as we become less critical and more grateful, others around us change. Because kindness has a way of becoming the salve for many wounds.

Kindness sets off a chain reaction. It replicates itself. It goes viral. In a beautiful, miraculous way, it spreads by transforming those it touches so they become carriers and pass it along.

We tested an initiative called the 30-Day Kindness Challenge, that has since spread around the world. Many people described seeing the person they were being kind to suddenly become more gentle, caring, and attentive themselves! These people realized that they had become a sort of super-spreader: they were spreading kindness in all directions without really intending to.

We’re all remarkably influenced by the culture around us, living and breathing certain attitudes that then become our own. We pick up certain beliefs largely because of what others around us think. That is the power of influence.

Well, God says we have that influence too—with everyone we touch.

During this election season and beyond, we are influencing others. We can subtly contribute to the negativity and conflict that is already everywhere. Or we can share the antidote of kindness with every person we meet. And over time that kindness will transform and change hearts and minds, which will change the culture. Which means in the end, true kindness is far more powerful than any election could be.

Want to know more of the little things that make big differences in your relationships—whether it’s love, parenting, work, or friendships? Subscribe for more from Shaunti here!

And check out her latest book (co-authored with her husband, Jeff), Thriving in Love and Money. Because you need a better relationship, not just a better budget.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post For the Next Few Weeks, We Have a Choice to Make appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Exciting Announcement: How to Find Joy in 2020

Friends, I am so excited to finally share with you my latest devotional, Find Joy: A Devotional Journey to Unshakable Wonder in an Uncertain World. Isn’t the cover simply gorgeous? The designer did such an amazing job. The artwork inside is just as inspiring. And the 60 daily devotions are sure to encourage you—and take you on an important journey.

Little did I know as I was writing this devotional in 2019 just how different 2020 would be. And how much we would need this guide. When the pandemic hit, life changed. When my dear friend and colleague, Naomi, unexpectedly passed away, life changed. As we spent our summer socially distanced, life changed. As work, school, and church became more virtual than in-person, life changed.

But here’s the great news—

When Jesus was born into our messy, broken world, His arrival was announced by angels who cried, “Fear not, for behold, I bring you good news of great joy” (Luke 2:10 ESV). You know that sense of deep heavenly wonder that we tend to feel at Christmas time? That deep, abiding joy? Well, it isn’t just for Christmas time! The arrival of Jesus changed everything; it means that that wonder is what we are supposed to live in all year round!

Yes, all sorts of things can come at us, and it is so easy to feel discontent or deep worry about relationships, illnesses, financial trials—even (dare I say it) politics. Yet Jesus came so that we can find true, deep, eternally-focused joy no matter our circumstances. That can be our reality!  It’s time to learn how!

Friends, won’t you join me on this journey? I hope this devotional will be as meaningful to you as it was for me as I wrote it. As a special gift to you, I’ll be sharing excerpts over the next few weeks—so stay tuned!

Let’s receive His joy and pass it on—and if you would like to share joy with someone, please forward this announcement to them!

Want to know more of the little things that make big differences in your relationships—whether it’s love, parenting, work, or friendships? Subscribe for more from Shaunti here!

And check out her latest book (co-authored with her husband, Jeff), Thriving in Love and Money. Because you need a better relationship, not just a better budget.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post Exciting Announcement: How to Find Joy in 2020 appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Why Does What I Buy Make My Husband So Upset?

Current circumstances have definitely made shopping a little more complicated. If it’s not with masks and social distancing, it’s online shopping for everything from groceries to mattresses to everything in between! (Sooooo many boxes being delivered, am I right?) But what might have stayed exactly the same is the negative reaction you get from your husband when you arrive home from your latest run to the big-box store or yet another Amazon delivery appears at the front door. For some wives, it feels like their husband makes a huge deal out of every little purchase—even if it fits within their budget!—and they just don’t understand why he’s being so hyper-sensitive about it.

When Jeff and I were researching our latest book, Thriving in Love and Money, we heard from men who saw their wife’s shopping differently from their perspective. And we learned that conflicts around money aren’t really about the money—they stem from the attitudes and beliefs we hold about it. So if you’re starting to think your husband is a control freak, if you’re tempted to hide your shopping bags or guard the front door so you can grab the boxes before he sees them—wait!

Let’s press pause and take a look at the fears and concerns that are lurking behind your husband’s actions.

Your Husband Sees More In Those Bags And Boxes Than What You Purchased

When your husband sees your most recent purchases and loses his cool, he isn’t just responding to what you bought. He sees more than what’s inside the boxes and bags. He views your purchases as predictions of future behavior: more shopping, more expenditures, more bills to pay. In Thriving in Love and Money, one man put it this way: “If I’m looking at what she bought, it isn’t just about this purchase. In my mind, it is one of many. Shoes last week and pants today will mean new tops tomorrow. And clothes for the kids the week after.” While you’re wondering why that new pair of boots is such a big deal, he’s getting more and more concerned about covering the future expenses that are sure to follow. So why might worrying about future expenses be a big deal?

Men Feel Enormous Pressure To Provide For Their Family

Most men feel an immense pressure to provide (even if you are both working): a pressure that would be there even if you spent hardly anything. Taking care of his wife and family is a man’s way of saying “I love you”—and showing that he is worthy of you. And that comes with much more insecurity than you might realize. Providing is one of the key areas where men experience the ongoing risk of failure. Most men are constantly, subconsciously, evaluating their current and future earnings prospects, and whether they can provide “enough” to support the family and make them happy.

Keep all that underground insecurity in mind . . . and add on a husband seeing “extra” spending (even if it is in the budget and isn’t really “extra”), and you can see why some men are unusually sensitive. Your husband might be one of them. And if he isn’t controlling in any other area, his reaction likely isn’t about control but fear: a deep, palpable fear that he won’t be able to keep up. It may not necessarily be a logical feeling, but it is very deep. And very common.

Respect Your Husband’s Concerns

Talk to your husband about this in such a way that he truly sees that you appreciate him and that you want to understand and respect his concerns. Tell him, regularly, how thankful you are for all the work he does to provide. And then, at some non-emotional time, ask him to share his point of view. Ask him whether he feels pressure when he sees your new purchases, or when he knows that you’re spending money on things he might view as non-essentials. If you two have worked out a budget that you’re sticking to, ask him what you both can do to help him feel better about it, without you feeling like he’s micromanaging your wallet.

Talk The Situation Over And Come To An Agreement

If he doesn’t have an immediate answer to those questions, that’s okay. Guys often need some time to process things. You might learn more over time, anyway—and be better able to convey that you’re willing to help take some of the pressure off. One of the important factors in reducing relationship stress around money that we share in the book is having a financial cushion. That might be a goal you can work towards (or commit to maintaining) as a couple to ease his sense of financial pressure. Whatever practical steps you decide to take, or agreements you make, talking it over can help you understand each other’s point of view better—and help you both experience more peace when you make a purchase.

Want to know more of the little things that make big differences in your relationships—whether it’s love, parenting, work, or friendships? Subscribe for more from Shaunti here!

And check out her latest book (co-authored with her husband, Jeff), Thriving in Love and Money. Because you need a better relationship, not just a better budget.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post Why Does What I Buy Make My Husband So Upset? appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

A House Divided? Handling Hot Political Discussions Without Getting Burned

I recently shared my outlook on the upcoming presidential election, our national discord, the possibility of a drawn-out election process with even more division afterwards, and the responsibility of Christians to point others to Christ in the midst of it all. (If you missed it, check out Part 1 and Part 2.)

This is particularly crucial when the division hits close to home.

We talk about “ramping up to the election,” but because of early voting the election is well underway. (As I write this, we’ve already logged nearly one-third of the number of total votes cast in 2016!) And the conflict is inescapable. We can turn off the blistering TV ads, and log off of flaming social media—but what happens when the rhetoric is hot within our own home, family, close colleagues, or circle of friends?

How can we handle political differences in a way that protects our closest relationships?

Realize: The issue isn’t going away and we will need to deal with it at some point.

It is tempting to try to avoid talking about politics at all. Yet since it will probably continue to be “out there” as an issue, we need to recognize that certain topics will come up among those who may not share our opinions and beliefs.

Taking a “pause” from conversation isn’t always a bad thing. And COVID-19’s physical distancing may have already created a sort of “time-out” between extended family members who are politically at odds with each other. But that won’t last forever, and we can’t pretend that current events don’t exist.

Especially among those we love, if something is important to us and to them, we owe it to each other to be available for conversation—even if it is uncomfortable.

Keep a long-term, relationship-focused perspective.

Here’s one key factor: no matter how upset others (or you) get when interacting about politics, keep a long-term-relationship perspective, and stay calm. You can be frustrated or grieved that your loved one seems so wrong (or blind, or difficult, or harsh, or deluded). But don’t get caught up in the moment in such a way that you will then add regret to those feelings. Resist the trap. Ask yourself: is this discussion worth a fractured relationship?

I have seen very few conversations that are so vital that they are worth that. Especially since I have almost never seen conversations that lead to the other person slapping their forehead and going, “Oh my gosh, you are so right, Uncle Frank! I hadn’t thought of it that way, and I’m changing my opinion and my vote.”

So if the other person—or you—is unlikely to have a fundamental change of mind about politics, let’s always at least keep the priority for the fundamental relationship front and center.

Don’t add fuel. Listen, instead.

 Here’s another reason to stay calm, reasonable and kind—even if you view a friend or family member as doing the opposite. If the person acts like a growling political adversary, and you feel like they’re implying you’re an idiot and wrong, then blowing up or getting exercised will probably serve as the “proof” they’re looking for.

That will only add fuel to a hot fire. What cools it off is listening. Even if (especially if) you vehemently disagree.

Keep in mind that the reason it can be hard to have calm discussions about politics is that it brings up emotional, weighty issues. Political beliefs are tied up with other values that are far more important to people than any one political outcome. That is the case for you, too, after all. The passion means that what is underneath the surface is incredibly important to each of you.

Now, “passion” is never an excuse for the other person being actually abusive. In that case, holding to boundaries is the kindest thing you can do. (“Uncle Frank, I just can’t handle it when your voice rises so much; it makes me feel anxious and insecure. Let’s pick this back up at the family brunch on Saturday, okay?”)

So what do you do? Switch to listening. But listen for something very specific . . .

Listen to why something matters to them, rather than to the details of the something.

As you listen, set aside, as much as you can, whatever the specific policy or vote or technical issue is about. And instead listen to why this opinion matters to the other person so much.

Why are they so passionate? What is under the surface? Ask questions. Listen much more than you talk. Understanding their perspective may not bring agreement, but it can bring empathy, even as you disagree. And that ability to understand what is in the other’s heart is crucial for the long-term relationship.

Then use that understanding to find common ground.

If you’re really listening to why something is important, it is almost always possible to find common ground. And that can change the entire dynamic of a political clash.

In a recent conversation with several colleagues, two were clashing sharply over who they were voting for. Each of them were essentially saying (without using these words) “How could you!?”

And yet as I listened, I realized that they weren’t actually that far apart in many areas. And that became evident when one person was vulnerable about what it was like to grow up on welfare; how embarrassing that was, and how much they had wanted a better life. So supporting those who needed a safety net was a huge factor behind some of this person’s voting intentions. The other colleague disagreed with the outcome (which candidate to support) but was able to share how much they, too, wanted to support those who needed it. Pretty soon, the two adversaries were having a meaningful conversation about the need for welfare reform: which both thought was important. Common ground. The snarls (and the “how could you?!” feeling) completely went away.

Your loved one might want to share their thoughts with a trusted friend—you.

And finally—realize that your friend or loved one may simply be trying to build the relationship by sharing in this vulnerable area.

You may have someone in your life who constantly wants to talk politics but you just think it is easier to not go there. But if you’re in a genuinely intimate relationship, why wouldn’t that person want to discuss their views with you? Perhaps they want to see that you’ll listen and talk without judging or labeling them. Or maybe they are frustrated and need an outlet. Whatever it is, realize that in many cases, it is not that they believe you’re deluded and want to “convert” you . . . but that they just want to talk. To share life.

And even if that “talking” isn’t always handled well, have grace with them. In my research with the most happily married couples, one thing they clearly do differently is believe the best of the other person’s intentions—even when there are real irritations. So keep recognizing that your spouse (or sister, or childhood friend, or Uncle Frank) truly cares about you.

Keep the conversation going.

If we don’t talk and listen, we might inadvertently push our loved ones away. They might feel that if they can’t be honest and vulnerable about their political beliefs, they can’t be honest and vulnerable about other things that are even more important. And eventually, they may stop talking to you about them. But if we’re willing to listen and swap ideas—calmly and openly—political peace is possible. As we pursue the Biblical principle from Romans 12:18—“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone”—we’ll enjoy close, loving relationships long after this difficult political season is over.

Want to know more of the little things that make big differences in your relationships—whether it’s love, parenting, work, or friendships? Subscribe for more from Shaunti here!

And check out her latest book (co-authored with her husband, Jeff), Thriving in Love and Money. Because you need a better relationship, not just a better budget.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post A House Divided? Handling Hot Political Discussions Without Getting Burned appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Some Exciting News From Our Team!

Hi Friends!

A few weeks ago I shared some exciting news about my friend and our Senior Editor, Katie Phillips. She launched her very first children’s book, God, You Make Me Feel Special, into the world through iDisciple Publishing, the same group that publishes my women’s devotionals.

I thought you all would want to know two fun updates.

First, her book has been an incredible hit! (Although I’m really not surprised, because seriously: who wouldn’t love that adorable sloth?) In fact, ever since it published, it has beaten out all of my top-selling books on Amazon. (I give Katie a ton of grief for this, of course, but in truth I am so proud of my friend.)

And second, books two and three in her series JUST RELEASED! God, You Make Me Feel Loved and God, You Make Me Feel Safe are just as adorable as her first one.

If you’re looking for a sweet book series for your children, grandchildren or are wanting to give a meaningful baby shower gift, please consider ordering these. These books speak God’s truth in language kids can understand and let them know they can have a relationship with the One who loves and cares for them the MOST! Also, a fun bonus: if you visit the iDisciple Publishing website, you can find coloring pages and beautiful prayer cards and digital wallpaper for your phone. Something for the kids and for you!

Thanks for taking a look and for joining our team on this fun new adventure.

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Thriving in Love and Money, uncovers the issues that cause money conflicts and provide couples with truths that are relationship game-changers…Because you need a better relationship, not just a better budget.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

The post Some Exciting News From Our Team! appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.