Shaunti Feldhahn's Blog, page 76

Zipping My Lip Finally Paid Off

Guest blog by Julie Fidler

For four years, my husband worked full-time with disturbed and often violent children while going to college online. A few months ago, he marched in his cap and gown, and today his degree arrived – physical proof of his dedication, hard work and strength.

We don’t have any kids of our own, so he didn’t have to worry about not spending not enough time with them, or wrestling with the guilt of watching me do most of the parenting while he tried to knock out his group project or finish up that last PowerPoint slide. But he was being beat up at work. No, literally. We had a lot of emergency room visits last year when he students went on the attack.

It’s hard to get a degree when you’re miserable at your job. It’s even harder when your job leaves you hobbling around on crutches or wrapped up in bandages all the time. My sweet husband dealt with all of that, along with chronic illness, a couple of cancer scares, severe stomach issues, and depression.

I think I must be married to Superman.

I always knew he had it in him, but I’ll be honest: I was afraid that the combination of all those things would knock the determination out of him. When is enough, enough? When is it all too much? When would I, the concerned wife, have to put my foot down and tell him to slow down or just plain stop? I gave up on painting my nails a long time ago, ladies. Sometimes I survived the chaos by chewing them down to nubs!

I had the good fortune of being able to read most of For Women Only before it was even a book. That’s another story for another day, but God used it to save my marriage. I know I’m a little bit biased here, but it’s the truth. I’ve known that book inside and out for over a decade now, and I’ve tried to follow Shaunti’s great advice everywhere I could.

Especially the parts about, you know, not nagging your husband to death. That and the parts about trusting him even when every cell in your body is trying to scream out what you think is the right answer or solution. As crazy as it sounds, guys really do thrive in an environment where they don’t have a wife implying that they’re too stupid to do anything right. Who would have thought, right?

(As a side note, I once witnessed someone scream at her husband because he used the wrong spoon to stir some spaghetti sauce. I thought, “Oh Lord, please strike me with a spoon if I ever get that upset over a kitchen utensil!”)

 I wish I could say I never said a discouraging word to my husband during those four years, but I’m certain I did, even despite my best efforts. Did I break out in hives and have to be hospitalized for stress for time? Yeah, sure, but… other than that, I handled those years like a pro!

OK, so I’m not the best role model in the world.

But I made the intentional effort to stand behind my man and trust that he knew his own limits and could either keep going or bow out without me having to draw him a map. There was a time not that long ago when I really wanted him to take a break and focus on recouping his health and energy, but he didn’t want to do that.

Now, you may read this and think I’m an idiot who should have put her foot down and insisted that her husband listen to some good sense, but guess what? When I saw his face today…when I watched him run his hand over the smooth cover on his bachelor’s degree…I knew I had done the right thing. I wasn’t perfect, but I was deliberate about backing him up and standing by whatever he chose.

I know it was the right choice. I know he reached his goal, in part, because I chose to trust his instincts. It was worth the damage I did to my cuticles!

Image credit: “graduation caps” by John Walker is licensed under CC BY 2.0.

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Calling All Teens!

Are you a teenager who would like to discuss my books? Would your son or daughter like a place to talk about For Young Women Only or For Young Men Only? Good news! We have started a new Facebook group just for teens! The group is moderated and closed, so discussions are private within the group. Share it today with the teens you think will be interested!

Image credit: “The smile that would make you happy.” by Lara Cores is licensed under CC BY 2.0.

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Marriage Monday From Shaunti Feldhahn: Understand How Each Other Processes Emotions

Welcome to Marriage Mondays! Each Monday, join us here in the Book Corner as I share my top findings on the little, eye-opening things that make a big difference in creating great marriages and relationships. Today’s post is one of a series on what makes happy marriages so happy, based on nationally-representative research with more than 1,000 couples.

From the Christian Post Book Corner

Marriage Monday Tip Of The Day from Shaunti Feldhahn

September 15, 2014

Tip #30: Understand how each other will process strong emotions differently, to have better communication.

We have all heard the funny saying men are from Mars and women are from Venus, however when it comes to processing strong emotions, this could be close to the truth! And understanding those differences will give you much better communication – especially when you need it most!

Wives, when you are in a passionate situation that causes a display of emotions – let’s say you arereally upset about a problem at your kids’ school and you disagree how to solve it — realize that your husband may not receive what you are trying to communicate because he thinks you are not thinking clearly.

Before you get indignant about that, let me explain why that is! For men, strong emotions and logic cannot coexist together. It’s like a bird trying to live underwater. When men are feeling strong emotions, they have to compartmentalize those feelings in order to be able to continue to think logically. This is a huge thing we need to know about our husbands — and men in general, actually. (It applies to your male colleagues too!)

A man sees someone (woman or man!) getting defensive, upset or holding back tears, and no matter how smart or logical that person is, he thinks, “Oh man, they’re getting emotional!” He then will begin to worry that he won’t be able to think clearly to address whatever is being discussed, and so will often withdraw from engaging with that person in that moment. He feels a strong need to wait until things have calmed down, and the discussion can be productive again.

In other words: when someone shows a display of strong emotion, a man automatically thinks all logic has left the building! You may be highly rational, educated and informed, trying to communicate a concern very clearly, but your husband has now shut down receiving any of it because he believes you are not thinking clearly in the midst of your emotions. Men, am I right?! This was shown repeatedly in interviews for research in my book, For Women Only in the Workplace.

Ladies, you may be protesting, “Just because I feel something strongly or I am upset, does NOT mean I am not thinking clearly!” For you as a woman, you are 100% correct. The key is that he doesn’t realize that. So everything will change once he sees you being as logical as you actually are. Take some deep breaths and pause, so you are able to use a calm voice, a steady tone, and an even expression. List two key points why you think it is important to email the school right away, rather than waiting until tomorrow. It doesn’t mean he will automatically agree with you, of course, but it will help a man hear what you are actually trying to say.

And husbands, here’s what you need to know on your side: your wife has a type of brain wiring that can process BOTH strong emotions and logical thoughts at the same time. So when you are communicating with your wife, understand that her passionate display of emotion does not mean she is not thinking clearly. Try to avoid the temptation to set the discussion aside, since she may view that as a signal that you don’t care – even though you probably care very much! Reminding yourself that she is thinking clearly will help you be able to better receive what she’s saying, and not miss a point that might be very important for you to hear.

Yes, we may be from two different planets, but we can communicate well. And understanding these different ways of processing will help you do that, right when you need it most.

Join us next Monday for the next installment in our Marriage Monday series!

Drawn from  For Women Only  and  For Men Only .

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and her newest, The Good News About Marriage. A Harvard-trained social researcher and speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Shaunti speaks regularly at churches, conferences, and corporate events. (Inquire about Shaunti speaking, or visit www.shaunti.com for more.)

Image credit: iStock

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Discuss With Your Daughters: Miss America’s Red Cup and Being Yourself

Did you catch the Miss America pageant this weekend?  A large percentage of the population missed it, either accidentally or on purpose –so did we!—but the social media world exploded anyway.  And instead of people analyzing the dresses, rolling their eyes about the swimsuit contest, or dishing about the embarrassing personal revelations, everyone was talking about Miss America’s red plastic cup.

If you didn’t see it, I’ll explain in a moment: but you have a great window of opportunity right now for an important discussion with your teen or pre-teen daughter.  A discussion of a truth that flies in the face of our “mean girl”, popularity-obsessed culture, but which we are all longing for our daughters to grasp:

You can light up the world by being exactly who you are.

Sunday night in Atlantic City, the daughter of Russian immigrants, Miss New York Kira Kazantsev, was crowned the 2014-2015 Miss America.  And the judges chose not the suggestive hip-hop dancer, the winner of the swimsuit competition, or the beautiful violinist in the flaming red dress, but the young woman who was confident enough to walk onto that massive, imposing stage in a comfortable, pretty, blue pantsuit, sit down cross-legged on the floor and sing Pharrell Williams’ song “Happy” while tapping and twisting a red plastic cup in time with the music.

Any girl who has seen the movie Pitch Perfect will recognize the inspiration for this performance instantly.  While many parents will want their girls to be more mature before they actually see the somewhat raunchy movie, it does have an important theme about being yourself –a theme that is exemplified when the lead actress, Anna Kendrick, sings and drums a beat with a plastic cup.  Ironically, she does this to show her beauty-pageant like a capella group colleagues that they don’t have to be like everyone else.

Immediately after Kazantsev performed her talent, the social media world went crazy; with many people deriding her choice.  Not because she did a bad job, and not because it wasn’t fun (she had the audience clapping along!), but because she veered off from the usual Miss America formula.  They assumed she had no chance to win.

But she did win.  And the new Miss America is very straightforward about why she took such a risk: “I wanted every single little girl in America to be able to see that you can do that talent — you can do whatever talent you want on national television — even with a red cup — and still be Miss America and have the time of your life.  I literally in that minute and 30 seconds had the most fun I’ve ever had, and that’s because I stayed true to myself and I did what I wanted to do for my talent, no matter what everybody else told me, and it paid off. I’m very happy about it.”

Today, when your daughter gets home from school, don’t push, but use this as a conversation starter.  If she hasn’t seen or heard about it, show her this little clip from the Associated Press.Ask what she thinks it says, that the judges chose a girl who chose to not do a “usual” talent like dancing or playing the piano, or singing a Broadway song. And see what she says.

There are many other things we could discuss about this winner: that she’s not a bit vacuous, but a smart, hardworking young woman who tackled three majors in college and is now at law school.  That she’s the child of immigrants and speaks Russian fluently, so there are times she must have felt different from her peers.  But to me, her choice to plop down on that huge stage with that red cup speaks loudest of all.

Today, Pharrell Williams’ theme song is mine too.  How glad I am that the Miss America judges recognized the beauty of a young woman who sets aside the pressure to be someone she is not, knows who she is, and lives it. This week, let’s seize the chance to encourage our daughters—and sons—to embrace that same principle.

Image credit: Ibtimes.com

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Marriage Monday From Shaunti Feldhahn: Avoid Painful Disrespect by Thinking Ahead

Welcome to Marriage Mondays! Each Monday, join us here in the Book Corner as I share my top findings on the little, eye-opening things that make a big difference in creating great marriages and relationships. Today’s post is one of a series on what makes happy marriages so happy, based on nationally-representative research with more than 1,000 couples.

From the Christian Post Book Corner

Marriage Monday Tip Of The Day from Shaunti Feldhahn

September 15, 2014

Marriage Tip: Wives, since processing your husband’s decisions out loud can sometimes come across as painful disrespect or questioning his judgment, think in advance about how to say it so he doesn’t misunderstand what you are saying.

Has your husband ever gotten upset when you start talking through a suggestion he’s brought to you? Yeah? Me too! It may be easy to get irritated and think he’s so oversensitive … but you’ll foster so much more peace in your home if you instead understand what is going on under the surface, and how to respond well. First, in any communication, remember just how much your husband needs to feel that you trust and respect him, and how easy it is for him to feel that you don’t.

One way we can inadvertently signal “I don’t trust you” is by processing out loud when our man (or even our boss at work) brings a suggestion to us: “I think we should do this.” Or at least…. we think it is a suggestion!

Instead, in my interviews with men for the For Women Only research, men often explained that since they usually need to process internally, they have to give something a lot of thought before they say anything. So a man would think about a decision for a few hours or a few days and relay it to his wife, only to have her instantly ask, “Well, what about doing it this way?” The same dynamic often occurred at work. Male subordinates rarely jump in with those sorts of knee-jerk questions, but –in men’s minds at least – women often will.

You may be asking, “Well, what’s wrong with that?! It’s a valid question!”

Here’s the issue. There’s nothing “wrong” with that, in the pure sense of the word. Neither is right or wrong: just different. But that difference can cause a marriage problem (or a boss problem!) that we can avoid simply by approaching the situation differently.

See, we women are verbal processors: we generally think something through by talking it through. We ask questions. We raise all sorts of issues. Not to pick something apart, but because that is how we will get the best and most thorough thought process about it.

While this makes perfect sense to us, for our husband (or male co-workers), it can definitely come across as questioning his judgment and “picking something apart.” More dangerously, because we sometimes casually throw around language like, “Well that’s silly, we should just do this instead,” we can, without necessarily meaning it, tell him that after his three days of thinking something through, he was “silly.” He feels disrespectful, and inadequate. It is painful. And that is why he gets upset.

What’s the answer? You certainly don’t need to try to turn into a dude, and process everything internally! After all, God made you to be the verbal processor you are. But if you don’t want to hurt your husband, it is worth it to be aware of how he processes, too. After all, when you talk through something with your girlfriends, they will instinctively understand what you mean when you toss around the “but what about” questions, or use words like “well that’s silly, how about this?” But your husband probably won’t. At least not at first.

The key, when your husband brings you something and you are thinking it through, is to remember that what matters is not so much what you say as how you say it. When he says “Let’s do this,” instead of jumping instantly into the questions, saying something like “oh, interesting idea” up front will help signal that you don’t think he’s an idiot. Even saying, “Honey, I’m not disagreeing with you, but I need to think this through by asking some questions first, is that okay?” will go a long way.

The old lesson your parents taught you in grade school is still the best one: thinking before you speak will go a long way.

Join us next Monday for the next in our Marriage Monday series, as we talk about how men view emotions at work and home.

Drawn from chapter 4 of For Women Only.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and her newest, The Good News About Marriage. A Harvard-trained social researcher and speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Shaunti speaks regularly at churches, conferences, and corporate events. (Inquire about Shaunti speaking, or visit www.shaunti.com for more.)

Intimacy by rekre89 is licensed under CC BY 2.0.

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Marriage Monday From Shaunti Feldhahn: Be All-In – and Don’t Believe the Myth of the High Divorce Rate

Welcome to Marriage Mondays! Each Monday, join us here in the Book Corner as I share my top findings on the little, eye-opening things that make a big difference in creating great marriages and relationships. Today’s post is one of a series on what makes happy marriages so happy, based on nationally-representative research with more than 1,000 couples.

From the Christian Post Book Corner

Marriage Monday Tip Of The Day from Shaunti Feldhahn

September 8, 2014

Marriage Tip: In a second marriage, be “all in” instead of trying to protect yourself… and don’t believe the myth of the high divorce rate.

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If you’re on your second marriage, you’ve probably heard – many times! – that your odds aren’t good. Maybe your first marriage ended in divorce and you entered a new union already feeling a little nervous. And then you hear everywhere that 60 percent (or more) of second marriages end in divorce.

Talk about a self-fulfilling prophesy! Hearing those numbers, folks who are remarried often feel, I want to be fully committed, but I also have to be wise. And if most remarriages really don’t make it, I should probably take some steps to protect myself and my children.

If you want a healthy, happy second marriage, however, you need a radical rethink.

First, you need to know that the notion of a 60 percent second marriage divorce rate appears to be a pure urban legend! I spent eight years investigating the complex world of marriage and divorce data to dig out the truth about this and other discouraging “facts”, and the sources routinely quoted for that stat simply don’t exist. The truth isn’t perfect, but it is much better. According to 2009 Census Bureau surveys, 65 percent of women are still married to their second spouse – and the 35 percent who aren’t, includes widows! So probably closer to 30 percent of second marriages have ended in divorce.

Although any amount of divorce is too high, those of you who are remarried need to know the truth: you would be very unusual if you didn’t make it!

So second, what do you do with that?

Well, you know all those actions you are tempted to take to protect yourself? Like keeping the little bank account on the side? Or holding back emotionally, just a bit? Or keeping an eye out for signs that it is all going to go wrong?

Don’t.

Don’t hold back, be ultra-watchful, or make those “just in case” plans. In my research with thousands of men and women over twelve years, it is clear that those things build a wall between you and your spouse, and create a lack of trust. All too often, they create the very problems you’re trying to protect yourself from!

Instead, let down your guard and be fully vulnerable. Take a deep breath and give your spouse access to all your bank accounts. Let them know your passwords, and tell them they can look at your text messages or emails any time if they want to. Share life with each other, first and foremost, instead of keeping unhealthy old friendships so you preserve (in your way of thinking) just a little bit of yourself in case it all goes wrong.

Marriage only works right when we are “all in,” bonded to our mate, and fully committed for life, no matter what. In my research it is clear that the couples who become the happiest in their marriages, get to that point because they are completely vulnerable and risk everything. And in a wonderful paradox – especially for those who are on their second go-round — taking what seems like a big risk instead gives them the greatest security.

Join us next week for insight into finding peace in your communication with your spouse.

Drawn from Chapter 5 of The Good News About Marriage, by Shaunti Feldhahn.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and her newest, The Good News About Marriage. A Harvard-trained social researcher and speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Shaunti speaks regularly at churches, conferences, and corporate events. (Inquire about Shaunti speaking, or visit www.shaunti.com for more.)

Image credit: “Couple” by Dragunsk Usf is licensed under CC BY 2.0.

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Marriage Moment From Shaunti Feldhahn: Taking Care of Yourself Says “I Care About You”

Welcome to Marriage Mondays! Each Monday, join us here in the Book Corner as I share my top findings on the little, eye-opening things that make a big difference in creating great marriages and relationships. Today’s post is one of a series on what makes happy marriages so happy, based on nationally-representative research with more than 1,000 couples.

From the Christian Post Book Corner

Marriage Moment Tip Of The Day from Shaunti Feldhahn

August 29, 2014

Marriage Tip: 
Recognize that taking care of yourself says “I care about you” to your spouse; it isn’t about looking like you walked off a magazine cover, but about your spouse seeing you are willing to make the effort to take care of yourself for them.

Most of us are not the size we were when we first got married. And honestly, whether we’ve popped out three kids or had one too many donuts during 20 years of driving a rig, most of us will never fit back into the honeymoon bikini or the high school football jersey we remember so fondly.

And we might wonder: how important is that to our spouse, really?

I have definitely wrestled with that question – both as a social researcher on relationships, and as a wife! Especially since – perhaps like some of you — I have a body type and metabolism that wants to gain weight from the mere sight of the chocolate chip cookies across the room. (Am I the only one who gets really irritated at the people who can walk around the block and lose five pounds?)

But just because it can sometimes be difficult to stay healthy, fit and at a healthy size is no excuse not to make the effort. Because, it turns out, it matters far more to your spouse than he or she will ever tell you.

It is awkward to discuss but in twelve years of research I’ve seen that both husbands and wives have this deeply-held thought: If my spouse is willing to make the effort to take care of herself/himself, it means they care about me – and if they aren’t willing to make that effort, it means they don’t really care about me.

I first saw this in my research on how men think, and it shocked me to learn that almost every man deeply cares if his wife is out of shape, never makes an effort to look nice, has no energy to go out and do things together, and makes no real effort to change that. A lot of men (perhaps because they are so visual) even became a bit depressed and unhappy. Whether a man ever says it out loud (and ladies, for your sanity and his, don’t ask him to!), and whether he “should” feel this way, his bottom-line feeling is that his wife simply doesn’t care about him.

Now, the good news for those of us who aren’t the naturally-petite-size-twos is that the men were also ultra-clear that they didn’t secretly wish their wives looked like the models on the magazine covers. On my completely anonymous nationally-representative survey, on which the men were very honest about some other challenging things, their response to this subject was truly encouraging: five out of six men said that what mattered most was not a wife shrinking back to the bikini she wore twenty years ago, but simply seeing that she was making the effort to take care of herself for him today.

Believe it or not, many men mentioned that even the willingness to go for a walk after dinner, or do her hair and makeup just for him – instead of just when they were going out with other people – made him feel cared for. It was truly the effort that mattered.

Since that time, I have seen a parallel response from wives – but with a slightly different focus. For many women, seeing their husband being willing to get off the couch and take a walk or do things together is important – but equally as important is his willingness to go to the doctor when he has health issues instead of seeming to ignore them!

Yes, guys, I’m talking to you. Just as you feel cared for when you see her being willing to try to get to a healthy weight, she feels cared for when you stop (in her mind) being stubborn when there is or could be something going on with your health, and are willing to consult a medical professional. That willingness means more to her than you can imagine.

The effort to get and stay healthy – for both men and women – sends such an important message in your marriage. It says I care about you enough to do something that is uncomfortable for me, in order to take care of myself for you.

And I have seen not just in the research but in my own life that sending that message that we care (rather than the message that we don’t) has far-reaching impacts that go far beyond this one issue and truly do bless the whole relationship.

Join us next Monday for the next in our Marriage Monday series, and learn the truth about successful second marriages.

Drawn in part from Chapter 9 of For Women Only, by Shaunti Feldhahn.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and her newest, The Good News About Marriage. A Harvard-trained social researcher and speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Shaunti speaks regularly at churches, conferences, and corporate events. (Inquire about Shaunti speaking, or visit www.shaunti.com for more.)

Image credit: “ hiking” by Leo Gonzales is licensed under CC BY 2.0.

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Marriage Moment From Shaunti Feldhahn: Mutually Reconnect With Your Spouse After Conflict

Welcome to Marriage Mondays! Each Monday, join us here in the Book Corner as I share my top findings on the little, eye-opening things that make a big difference in creating great marriages and relationships. Today’s post is one of a series on what makes happy marriages so happy, based on nationally-representative research with more than 1,000 couples.

From the Christian Post Book Corner

Marriage Monday Tip Of The Day from Shaunti Feldhahn

August 22, 2014

Marriage Moment From Shaunti Feldhahn: Mutually Reconnect With Your Spouse After Conflict

Tip #26: When you and your mate experience hurt feelings and conflict, mutually reconnect by sharing a private signal that says “We’re okay.”

When it comes to marriage, it turns out that how you end a fight is just as important as whether you avoid one. Because in any marital union – just like any other true friendship or great partnership –some disagreements are inevitable!

As I studied those in happiest marriages, I was fascinated to see something they did quite differently than those in good or so-so marriages: they had their own private way of signaling “I’m sorry” and “we’re OK.” In fact, one of the reasons many couples went from troubled to strong in their relationship, was this mutual reconnection after hurt feelings!

If you’re looking for a way to take your marriage from good to great, think about this: have you and your spouse ever shared some silly little word or action that told both of you that “we’re making up?” If so, next time you are trying to recover from conflict or hurt feelings, and you want to make up, try to do that same thing purposefully and see what happens. See if your spouse catches on and does it back – and does it the next time! Even if it takes longer than you would want, keep trying to signal that reconnection on your end.

Sharing that mutual signal doesn’t necessarily mean the problem itself is resolved – in my research, the problem often wasn’t resolved yet! — but it means that in spite of the problem, both of you know that the relationship is OK.

You might wonder what the signals were, that I kept hearing about as I studied these happy couples. Here’s the fun part: they were all over the map, which is why you have to come up with your own!

I heard about everything from explicit statements of reconnection (“Are we okay, honey?” “Yes, we’re okay.”) all the way to silly little private-language elements that would make no sense to someone else but said something powerful to them. Some husbands and wives touched pinkie fingers, toes or foreheads, some had a funny phrase they shared at just the right moment to make the other person crack up, some had great make-up sex, but almost all of them had their own way of reassuring each other their relationship was still strong.

In case you’re wondering if just “moving on” without making up has the same effect, well… 70 percent of the happy couples sent these signals (usually without realizing it was so important!) where only 22 percent of the so-so or struggling couples did. It makes a difference.

It also makes a difference if we are willing to receive a signal, not just initiate it. Letting your partner make up with you, rather than holding on to hurt, is just as vital on the path to happiness in your relationship.

So be willing to give the “all clear” signal and be willing to accept it. When it comes to marriage, some things are definitely not better left unsaid!

Join us next week as we help women understand why taking care of their appearance is important to their husbands.

From Chapter 8 of The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, by Shaunti Feldhahn.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and her newest, The Good News About Marriage. A Harvard-trained social researcher and speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Shaunti speaks regularly at churches, conferences, and corporate events. (Inquire about Shaunti speaking, or visit www.shaunti.com for more.)

Photo: Love by Pedro Ribeiro Simões is licensed under CC BY 2.0.

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Wow – a commercial that shows a great dad, not a doofus dad!

You HAVE to see this great new commercial for Peanut Butter Cheerios that my husband Jeff sent my way! What a refreshing change to see a commercial that features a strong, confident dad, presents such a man as the NORM, and celebrates how guys just do a few things differently as parents. Definitely a contrast to the ad we highlighted a few months ago that took the opposite view of dads (and men in general).

Jeff sent this video to us as we were in the middle of our (all-women) staff meeting. We watched it on my staff director’s computer and cheered! We told Jeff that, and he said, “I think men AND women will cheer this all over the country. I’m heading out to pick up around a hundred boxes of that stuff. Need to show companies that making ads like this will serve their interests also.”

While I’m hoping he’s SLIGHTLY exaggerating about the hundred boxes, I love the idea of giving General Mills (maker of Cheerios) some positive market feedback. So in addition to buying some PB Cheerios, here’s a link where you can send them some WRITTEN feedback if you like what they have done here!

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Marriage Monday From Shaunti Feldhahn: Women, Ask Him to Accept Help Without Hurting His Heart

Welcome to Marriage Mondays! Each Monday, join us here in the Book Corner as I share my top findings on the little, eye-opening things that make a big difference in creating great marriages and relationships. Today’s post is one of a series on the surprising truths that men and women tend not to know about each other–and which change everything once we do.

From the Christian Post Book Corner

Marriage Monday Tip Of The Day from Shaunti Feldhahn

August 11, 2014

Marriage Monday From Shaunti Feldhahn: Women, Ask Him to Accept Help Without Hurting His Heart

Tip #25: Women, when you know you need to ask your husband to accept guidance or help, and you know he might feel painfully inadequate as a result, say it with kindness and in a way that makes it about your need rather than his failure.

One of the things I was most surprised by, when I started researching how men think, is how important it is for a man to feel that his wife trusts, respects, appreciates and is proud of him. And how surprisingly easy it is for him to feel that she doesn’t!

But what happens when we women know we’re at risk of triggering that painful feeling – but we still need to say something?

A classic example is what happens when you’re late for an important dinner, your husband is lost, the GPS is wrong, and you have no clue why he doesn’t want to stop and ask for directions!

Now before we can tackle the more urgent late-for-an-important-dinner situation, let’s remember why situations like this matter to a guy: it’s not about the problem he’s trying to solve, it’s about whether you think he’s adequate to solve it. For him, trying to find his way is an adventure, and a test of whether he is smart enough to figure it out on his own. So when you tell him he needs to stop and ask some other man for directions, you are (in his mind) telling him that he’s inadequate – which is a man’s most painful feeling. So even though it sometimes takes every shred of willpower, it is amazing what happens when you force yourself to let him find his way.

My husband, Jeff, explained, “It’s easy for a woman to say, ‘Oh, he’s just being too sensitive.’ Well, maybe she’s right…but that’s because a guy has a deep doubt that he knows what he’s doing — and therefore a deep need to know that the person who knows him best is going to choose to believe in him, regardless. Aren’t there things that women are insecure about, too, and thus ultra-sensitive about? For example, would a woman like it if her husband teased her about gaining ten pounds? Everyone is ultra-sensitive to something that touches on a deep insecurity.”

Which brings us back to the question of… what do we do when we know we might hit that insecurity?

Some time ago, when I was speaking at a women’s conference on what I learned about men for For Women Only, one woman asked this during Q&A time: “So, then, what do you say when your husband is driving around in circles, late for the party, and you’re biting your tongue? ‘I’m proud of you’?”

Everyone in the room had a good laugh over that one, me included! But it is valid conundrum: if you are in a situation where you must address something, even though you know he might take it a painful signal that you think he’s inadequate – like when you’re at risk of being late for that important dinner meeting — how on earth do you handle it well?

Before you say anything, the first step is to remind yourself that he is not an idiot. It is highly possible that he is even more aware of the time ticking away and is anxious not to fail you. Start from that assumption, and whatever you say will come out much better.

Which leads to the second step: remember that it is not so much what we say, as how we say it that will make a difference. All the men I’ve interviewed said it changed the dynamic greatly if you explain how you are feeling instead of ordering him to pull over. “Honey, I’m beginning to get nervous that we’re going to be late for this meeting. I know you probably are too. Normally, I’d be okay if we drove for a bit longer, but would you mind if we stopped and I asked for directions?”

The men said that those are helpful questions, not demands, and that approach helps him understand where you’re coming from in a way he can hear you. It also gives him an opening to say, “Let’s see if this street up here is the entrance to the highway, and if it’s not, we’ll stop.”

Every guy is different, and men are usually willing to share what would work best with them, once they know their wife cares. So at some neutral time, tell him you’d love to know how you can best handle that type of situation, since you would never want to imply that you think he’s inadequate. You might be pleasantly surprised at how much it means to him that you want to show how much you believe in him!

Join us next Monday for the next in our Marriage Monday series, and learn how highly happy couples reconnect with sign language.

Drawn from Chapter 3 of For Women Only, by Shaunti Feldhahn.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and her newest, The Good News About Marriage. A Harvard-trained social researcher and speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Shaunti speaks regularly at churches, conferences, and corporate events. (Inquire about Shaunti speaking, or visit www.shaunti.com for more.)

Image credit: “Shoreditch Bridge Portraits 148” by John Perivolaris is licensed under CC BY 2.0.

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