Shaunti Feldhahn's Blog, page 34

Start the 30-Day Kindness Challenge Today and Give Your Valentine the Best Gift Ever

It seems like Christmas is barely over—we’re on celebration overload and are still struggling with “what year is it now?”—when the Valentine’s Day displays go up in all the stores. Is it just me or is your inner Scrooge grumbling: “Hey, give me a minute before we dive into the next holiday, please!”? But believe it or not, it actually is the perfect time to be thinking about Valentine’s Day. You want to know why?

Right now, Valentine’s Day is just about a month away. And that means you have time to implement the 30-Day Kindness Challenge and give your Valentine (or anyone you choose) an amazing, one-of-a-kind gift on February 14. Of course, you can start the 30-Day Kindness Challenge anytime—and you will see a marked improvement in your relationships if you do—but starting today will give you the opportunity to surprise your special person with a Valentine’s Day gift that uniquely expresses your affection: a month-long journal of praise.

Here’s how it works.

Three daily actions make up the 30-Day Kindness Challenge.

Our research for The Kindness Challenge found that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem. (And believe it or not, that is only a slight exaggeration!  We found that if you want a better marriage: be kind. Better leadership at work? Be kind. Be a better parent? Have a better sex life?  More fun with your in-laws? Be kind.) 

The problem is: we already think we ARE kind! 

Once we start the 30-Day Kindness Challenge, we realize: we were deluded. We had so much unkindness without realizing it. But our research uncovered three daily actions that will transform your relationships—and you. Those three daily actions make up the 30-Day Kindness Challenge: First, say nothing negative about the person you choose—either to them or about them to someone else. Second, find one thing to praise each day and tell them and tell someone else. Third, do a small action of generosity for them.  

Record your words of affirmation each day, then share them as a gift.

As you do the 30-Day Kindness Challenge, you’ll be finding things to verbally affirm or praise about a particular person you care about (a spouse, romantic partner, child, friend or co-worker). You will record those words of affirmation each day. Track what happens as you do the Challenge, and the ways you begin to appreciate that person more and more. (Based on our years of research, that is what will happen!) Valentine’s Day would be the perfect time to give your kindness “target” this collection of affirmations- you can write in a journal (store-bought or home-made), on some unique paper, on Valentine cards, maybe even a voice recording −it is up to you!) Then, at the end of the 30 days, wrap up your collection of affirmations and give it to your person as a very special Valentine’s Day present.

Sign up for the 30-Day Kindness Challenge today and watch your relationship blossom!

Not only will you have the experience of watching your relationship with your spouse (or child, or sibling…) blossom and grow over the 30 days; at the end of that month you’ll have the priceless experience of watching their face as they open a present they will keep for a lifetime. A written record of you—day after day after day—contemplating the wonderful things you appreciate, love and value about them. 

So sign up for the 30-Day Kindness Challenge today. It will be life-changing. Not just for your person—but for you too! To get extra tips, learn more and to sign up, visit jointhekindnesschallenge.com.

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Find Peace: A 40-day Devotional Journey For Moms, focuses on discovering biblical direction to become a woman of serenity and delight in all seasons – and have impact for generations to come.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post Start the 30-Day Kindness Challenge Today and Give Your Valentine the Best Gift Ever appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

A Tribute to An Amazing Father – And a Note of Thanks to ALL the Caring Fathers Out There.

Today would have been my precious father’s 77th birthday. Two weeks before Christmas, my Mom held him and my brother and I held his hands, as God brought him Home. 

I am missing him and thinking about him so much today – especially about what an incredible gift that I’ve been given in my Dad.  What a gift so many of us have been given in our amazing, imperfect, loving, hard-working, strong, caring Dads.

Guys, you may not feel like you’ve got this fatherhood thing figured out – my own father is among many thousands I’ve interviewed who said he regularly wondered if he was doing the right thing, if he had what it took to be a good dad to the kids he loved more than his own life. And as his grateful daughter, let me tell you what I told him regularly – and reassure the rest of you who wonder the same thing: your impact is profound and eternal. If you are trying to show love, your kids see it.  If you are trying to be present in their lives, your kids notice.  When you have to show tough love and establish boundaries, your kids may not like it at the time, but they will be grateful for it later. And even when you think you’ve messed things up, your kids also see the good things, even as you ask for forgiveness for any bad ones.

Even at the very end of my Dad’s life, I watched him courageously struggle to be a great father and husband. As many of you know, Dad was completely incapacitated by a stroke about 20 months ago. He and my Mom, married for 54 years, had so much courage in confronting such a devastating situation together. But it was definitely so hard to watch him get weaker each time an infection came along, and to know how frustrating it must be for such a brilliant man (a Fullbright Scholar and Ph.D.) to struggle to think and communicate. And yet even when he required total care, and it would have been completely understandable for him to feel frustrated or grumpy – he was kind. He was a man of character.

It was especially hard to hear the hospice nurse tell us that suddenly, he didn’t have much time – knowing that my brother lived in Singapore (a 26-hour flight away), and it would be at least a day and a half until he could get here. 

My Dad had slipped into near-unconsciousness near the end, but we suspected he could still hear us in some way.  We told him to hang on, that his son was coming—and he did. My parents’ pastor came and prayed last rites over him, but he kept hanging on. His lungs were filling up and it was hard for him to breathe, but he made it the day and a half. And as Jeff raced my brother and his wife home from the airport at high speeds, we could tell he was working to stay. So his son would also be there at the bedside, and the family would be complete as we said goodbye.

What courage.

We were together for 12 hours before he died. Twelve precious hours to hug and cry together. To tell Dad what an amazing husband and father he was. To share funny memories. To cry together.

Then Dad left to be with Jesus.  

But one day—one day—we will all be together again. 

My Dad was an amazing father and husband. He was an amazing man. But he was also a normal one. Just like all of you amazing, normal, average fathers and husbands out there.

Today, on my Dad’s birthday, I celebrate and pay tribute to a great man… and all of you. You may not hear it often enough. But you mean more than you know.

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Find Peace: A 40-day Devotional Journey For Moms, focuses on discovering biblical direction to become a woman of serenity and delight in all seasons – and have impact for generations to come.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post A Tribute to An Amazing Father – And a Note of Thanks to ALL the Caring Fathers Out There. appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Find Peace This Christmas

I never imagined that in my family’s darkest moment would come a miracle. Perhaps in the heavens there are greater things at work than what we think we may know. And when it comes, sometimes it can be as soft as a whisper. And so I’ve learned to never stop listening. (Buttons: A Christmas Tale)

My daughter and I love Christmas movies. It’s a tradition to snuggle up on the couch with a bowl of popcorn and lose ourselves in the magic. We’ve been known to watch the same movie multiple times each Christmas season—because who doesn’t want to see their favorite stars in a movie that leaves you feeling hopeful that all can be right in the world? That’s what Christmas is about after all . . . the birth of a baby that changed the world!

This Christmas, say hello to the movie Buttons: A Christmas Tale starring the incomparable Dick Van Dyke, Angela Lansbury, Robert Redford, Kate Winslet, Roma Downey, Jane Seymour, and with a song written by Sir Paul McCartney. Written and directed by world-renowned composer Tim Janis, Buttons is now on DVD and Digital, so families can snuggle in, grab their popcorn and regain the magic and hope this Christmas.

Buttons: A Christmas Tale

In Buttons, a little orphan girl named Emily finds herself sick and alone in a hospital on Christmas Eve. Having nearly died escaping the orphan train, her only wish is to celebrate Christmas with a family.

Suddenly a mysterious woman named Rose (Angela Lansbury) appears at her bedside with hot chocolate and an amazing story of hope, direction—and a reminder of God’s love for her.

Find Peace

When the characters in Buttons suffer the pain of their circumstances and hardships, they start losing hope. But God has a plan for them. He sends angels to remind them that God will never leave them alone on the journey. 

Just as He will never leave us. He is there. And He asks us to believe it and hold on to Him.

That’s actually the main reason I wrote Find Peace: A 40-Day Devotional Journey for Moms. For many of us—especially moms!—there seems to be no end to the things our hearts can worry about. Even if life is going smoothly, we often find ourselves worrying about the “what-ifs”. And when trouble hits—sickness, safety, jobs, fear—we need reminders that God promises us peace even in the midst of the storms.

In our family, the storm that changed everything also hit during Christmas Eve. We were at my parents’ church, in their idyllic small town in the mountains, cozy and warm as we stood to sing Silent Night. Soon, we would be back at their cabin, sipping hot cider, getting the kids to bed, and wrapping the final presents. One moment, our 10-year-old son was fine. The next, he was having a massive seizure. The following few hours were a blur—the minutes Luke was without oxygen during his grand mal seizure; the equally scary “postictal” state of being semiconscious and unresponsive; the long race to the nearest hospital, which was much too far away. In the months to come we faced the scary diagnosis of epilepsy and discovering that medication would stop Luke’s bodily seizures but unfortunately not the spikes in his brain. Our class-clown son suddenly struggled to listen, read or interact with friends. Our world felt like it was crumbling at our feet.*

It was in those moments—and every moment moving forward—that I needed to remember. Remember that God is with us on this journey. He has us in His hands. That is what keeps me going. And that is why even in difficult times, the Bible promises that we can “rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope.” (Romans 5:3-4.)

In This World We Will Have Trouble . . . But Take Heart!

Just as in the movie, life provides plenty of struggles—and we don’t always know what to do about it. But what we do know is what not to do; if we put our faith in the things of this world, we can pretty much count on feeling permanently hopeless and full of anxiety.

In a famous Bible verse (John 16:33), Jesus tells us that yes—in this world we will have trouble. But He also gives us this amazing promise: we can take heart! Because He has overcome the world!

It’s often easy, in the chaotic, painful moments, to feel as if we are alone on this difficult journey. When we get that diagnosis or lose that job or are faced with that tumultuous relationship, it hurts. We may question how any good can come from such a horrible situation.

But I’m here to tell you: There is purpose in our journey. And we can find peace because we can always find God. Even in the most unlikely of circumstances.

Hope Prevails

All this is why taking in beautiful Christmas stories isn’t just a frivolous luxury: it is a meaningful action when the holidays get hard. Because it reminds us of the eternal truth underneath both these stories and Christmas itself.

As Robert Redford, the narrator, says at the end of the movie, “The heart found more than the eye could see. Hope prevailed. And help came from the most unexpected places.”

We may not have Dick Van Dyke or Angela Lansbury showing up to give us a pep talk. But we can be assured that we are never, ever alone. God is with us: that is the meaning of the Christmas word “Emmanuel.”

And that message of hope is something I want to hear this Christmas over and over again.

**

Find more peace and joy this holiday season by watching Buttons: A Christmas Tale on DVD and Digital this December. And check out Find Peace: A 40-Day Devotional Journey for Moms by Shaunti Feldhahn.

*excerpt taken from Find Peace: A 40-Day Devotional Journey for Moms 

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Find Peace: A 40-day Devotional Journey For Moms, focuses on discovering biblical direction to become a woman of serenity and delight in all seasons – and have impact for generations to come.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post Find Peace This Christmas appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

4 Tips To Help You Keep Your Holidays Conflict-Free

On your mark, get set . . . go! The holiday season is upon us, and instead of looking ahead with anticipation and joy, many of us feel like we’re embarking on a marathon of social activities, errands, and never-ending to-do lists. Trying to make sure everything measures up to our standards of holiday sparkle and specialness can leave us feeling rundown, irritated, and exhausted. But there’s another way. “Let It Go” is more than a Frozen anthem for the pre-school set. It’s also a surefire strategy for giving yourself (and those around you) a truly happy holiday season, from Christmas to New Year’s Day—and the rest of the year, too!

I saw the power of a few of these little actions in the research for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, and The Kindness Challenge, but it applies to all sorts of situations. Especially during the holidays, you’ll be amazed at the difference it will make if you say and do these four things.

“It Doesn’t Have To Be Done My Way.”

I know I lose many of us right off the bat with that one! At every holiday gathering, we want things to be so special. So we have a vision in our heads for the way we want the lights to be hung, the office party to work, the food to be cooked. But sometimes that means we push ourselves and those around us to do things a certain way—the best way, our way—and at some point it becomes work and leads to frustration and conflict. Which means it ceases to be special. In those cases, let go of your notions of “right,” back off your vision, and reap the benefits: more fun for everyone.

“I’m Going To Let Myself Relax And Enjoy This.”

Yes, there’s a lot of work to be done. And very often, you can do it later. Don’t miss your niece excitedly sharing a long story about the play she’s in at her school, or miss out on a spur-of-the-moment coffee date with a friend, just because you have ten things on your to-do list for the New Year’s party that need to be done. Tell yourself that you don’t always have to be the responsible grown-up at every moment. Slow down, sit down, and enjoy spending some relaxed time with the people you love.

“Let’s Simplify.”

Let go of the fourteen things you could be doing, and enjoy the five that you do. On days off of work and school, give yourself permission to just lie around and read a book or watch a movie without feeling like you have to be doing something. Unless you and everyone around you enjoys a constant whirlwind (which, to be fair, some people do!), do not overschedule. You may have a Christmas Eve tradition of Christmas caroling and a visit to the neighborhood party and driving around and seeing the lights . . . but maybe this year you do one of those each day, instead of all three. Maybe you say, “This year, the Christmas tree is going to have just lights and tinsel instead of all the ornaments.” Maybe you turn the family Christmas update letter into a January update. When you start to say, “But…but…!” tell yourself, “Let it go.”

“I’m Not Going To Let That Get To Me.”

For many folks, the holidays mean extended time with family members who push all their buttons. And having those buttons pushed is one of the quickest ways to get stressed and not enjoy the holiday! Solution? Decide in advance that no matter what Uncle Joe says about your cooking or what your stepmom says about politics, you’re going to smile, shrug it off, and not let it bug you. There are many ways to do this (for example, “Sally, I think we’re just going to have to disagree”) but the bottom line with all of them is that you’re refusing to give someone else control over your peace of mind. As one of my friends puts it, “I’m not going to let him bust my peace.”

Peace. Joy. Family. Friends. Love. Don’t miss what matters most because you’re holding on to things that are less important. Let it go. And let flexibility, simplicity, rest, and harmony nurture your holiday spirit during this extra busy time of year. You’ll enjoy the holiday season so much more!

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Find Peace: A 40-day Devotional Journey For Moms, focuses on discovering biblical direction to become a woman of serenity and delight in all seasons – and have impact for generations to come.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post 4 Tips To Help You Keep Your Holidays Conflict-Free appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Let Your Husband Delight in Seeing You in All Your Glory

We recently posted an article offering guidance to men who feel frustrated because their wife is shy about letting him see her body. What they most want to view—what they were intended to see—is the beauty of their wife’s body. And when she avoids being seen by him, it creates frustration on his part. So we promised a follow-up article for all the wives who are feeling challenged by this issue in their own way. 

So wives, I know we often feel pressured to meet the unrealistic body standards we see in the media. Our bodies change with the seasons and we don’t necessarily look like we did when we walked down that aisle. But instead of focusing on how we think we look, I want us to start seeing ourselves through our husband’s eyes. 

And this is the challenge: Consider leaving the lights on during sex and letting your husband enjoy seeing you in all your glory. I know the idea is scary for many women! But in my years of social research, I’ve uncovered many truths that men wish we knew, but they don’t know how to tell us. I heard the heart behind this wish that men have—and I discovered five surprising reasons for you to take the risk.

Reason #1: When He Knows You Want Him, It Increases Intimacy

A husband is powerfully impacted by knowing his wife desires him. And few things signal “desire” more than when he sees his wife fully engaged during their time together. Men secretly feel so vulnerable when they approach their wives for intimacy: Do I measure up? Does she want me? Am I enough for her? Sometimes a man will keep his guard up to avoid the sting of inadequacy if he senses his wife may not truly be “all in.” So if he sees that you’re engaged, he can set all concerns aside, let down his guard, and take the risk of opening up emotionally. And that vulnerability leads to much greater intimacy.

Reason #2: When You Trust Him, It Leads To True Oneness

Vulnerability works both ways. We feel so vulnerable at the idea of turning on those lights . . .  because we too wonder: Do I measure up? I don’t look like I used to. Will he be satisfied with me? Turned off? Those extra pounds or our least-favorite features loom large in our minds. But nearly all the men in my research told me they loved their wife’s individuality and aren’t expecting or looking for the cover model. That is our hang-up, not theirs! We need to trust that our husband loves us as we are. And when we let down our guard and trust, we reach mutual vulnerability and true oneness.

Reason #3: He Is Visual 

Yes, this has been stated many times. I discovered just how much in my research for For Women Only and further researched it in Through A Man’s Eyes. But it’s worth repeating: a man’s emotions are tied to his eyes. He drinks in and savors those images of you in your intimate time together in a wonderful, emotional way that you as a woman may never fully understand. But when those visual memories come back to his mind, he feels a rush of affection and love for you. And they are a bulwark and ammunition against the impact of all those other images that confront him out in the world every day.

Reason #4: He Delights In Knowing He Has Delighted You

Did you hear that? Your husband delights in knowing he has delighted you. The vast majority of men I’ve interviewed and surveyed have confirmed it: your man is most pleased when he pleases you. Three out of four said that for a man, sex is empty if his wife isn’t satisfied—or if he can’t tell that she was satisfied. The men said it makes an immense, delightful difference for a man to be able to see his wife’s reactions in some way.

Reason #5: You May Find It Isn’t As Big A Risk As You Think 



Have you ever resisted something out of fear, only to try it later and wish you hadn’t waited so long? Many women have told me this was like that for them: it took courage, but it was one of the best things they did for their marriage. Because they as women saw something too: they saw that their fears were empty. They saw that their husbands really did love them and delight in them just as they were. These women gained confidence they never expected. And they found themselves unexpectedly moved by their husband’s almost gleeful delight in this new experience together.

So give it a try. Let your husband see you and delight in you—just as you are, with your own unique and matchless beauty. I’m guessing that the response you get from him will provide the best possible incentive to continue!

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Find Peace: A 40-day Devotional Journey For Moms, focuses on discovering biblical direction to become a woman of serenity and delight in all seasons – and have impact for generations to come.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post Let Your Husband Delight in Seeing You in All Your Glory appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Is Your Wife Shy About Letting You See Her Body? Try This!

I recently heard from a man who was feeling frustrated because his wife is so shy about letting him see her body. He’s happy in their marriage and satisfied with their sex life, and he’s careful not to eye other women. But his wife still seems to feel like she’s not “enough” somehow. She says that her body has changed since she’s had kids, that she’s gained weight, and that she doesn’t get to the gym as much as she’d like. She wraps up in a towel when she’s getting ready in the morning, quickly slips into her PJs at the end of the day, and tries to change her clothes when he’s out of the room. He thinks she’s just too hard on herself and can’t figure out why she’s so self-conscious. He wants to see her body because it’s beautiful to him!

This is an issue on the minds of many husbands! When Jeff and I were speaking at a couple’s event one time, at the book table a man asked about my book, Through A Man’s Eyes. When I explained that it helps women understand how visual men are, what it’s like for men to navigate the many sexualized images they see in public that were only supposed to be seen in private, and how to support men today, he started laughing. He said, “Oh, I’m so glad to have a way to explain this to my wife! It’s like I’m out there every day, and every few minutes I see an image and look away. See a magazine cover and look away. See that woman dressed provocatively and look away. See the billboard over there and look away. Over and over and over, I look away. And then I come home, and when my wife changes her clothes she goes into the closet and shuts the door! And I’m like…. seriously!?”  

I couldn’t help but laugh too. Because it’s true—men are experiencing a total catch-22 in this area! Let me explain what I mean.

Most women have insecurities about their bodies.

Men are really caught in the middle here. Most women don’t understand just how much their husband is visually stimulated every day and that he wants to come home and feast his eyes on her instead of all the sexualized images he’s been trying to avoid all day. At the same time, most women are insecure enough about their body that they think their husband will be disappointed and turned off if he sees what she really looks like! Especially in comparison to the airbrushed, perfect model images that are constantly in his view.

So, speaking to the husbands now (we’ll be posting an article for you uncomfortable wives soon!): How can you convince your wife to let her guard down and let you see her body? The two most important things you need to do are to reassure her and educate her. 

Reassure your wife—frequently—that you think she’s beautiful.

Reassure your wife that you think she’s beautiful. Don’t pressure her to take off the towel, but tell her over and over just how much you love the way she is made, how she is even more beautiful to you today than she was when you were newlyweds, how you love her unique beauty and are crazy about her just as she is (stretch marks and all!), and that you still get that feeling inside when you see her just walking down the stairs or washing dishes at the sink. Seriously…that’s what she needs to hear. Every day. Because according to our surveys of women, most doubt it every day.

Educate your wife about what it’s like to be a visually-wired man in a visually tempting world.

To educate her you might have to get out of your comfort zone. Explain that you want her to understand how you see the world, and ask if it’s something she wants to know about you. Most women do, but, frankly, some women aren’t sure. Your visual nature is so foreign to women (since our wiring is so different) that it can sometimes be intimidating for a woman to hear. But that usually goes away as long as you make it clear that you want to talk about it because you want to increase the closeness between you and you want her to understand what it is like to be you every day.

If she says she wants to understand that, then tell her what it’s like to be a visual guy today, and how often you see things that you don’t want to have to see. Tell her how much you delight in seeing her, rather than the other images out there. In fact, it might help to take a look—together—at the chapter in Through A Man’s Eyes that explains how the male brain is actually physically wired differently from her brain as a woman.

Be patient with your wife, encourage her, and delight in her always!

So guys, here’s the bottom line: if you explain to your wife that you turn away from those public images because you adore her, it will reassure her that you really do love her and find her beautiful. And once she’s reassured that you mean it when you say you love how she looks in all her glory, she’ll be a lot more comfortable about letting you see her. Trust me, it may take some time and some courage on her part (wives, we’ll be sharing with you soon about building that courage!)—so just keep telling her she’s beautiful. As she begins to understand just how much you delight in seeing her body, she may come to delight more and more in sharing her beautiful self with you.

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Find Peace: A 40-day Devotional Journey For Moms, focuses on discovering biblical direction to become a woman of serenity and delight in all seasons – and have impact for generations to come.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

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Yet Again: Don’t Believe the Doomsday Headlines about the Church

“In U.S., Decline of Christianity Continues at Rapid Pace.” That was the headline of an October 2019 Pew Research Center article. One guaranteed to discourage every pastor and every Christian in America.

It is also entirely misleading.   

Just to set the record straight: More than one-third of American Christians consider themselves “strongly affiliated” with their faith. Yes, that’s right: one third. In today’s world, where going to church is no longer the thing to do on Sundays, that is a huge percentage.  And the only “decline” is among those who were never that strongly affiliated to begin with.

New York Times writer Ross Douthat was quick to publish a data-driven article refuting Pew’s doomsday title.  My friend David French at The Dispatch also chimed in with a great summary of Douthat’s article. As a social scientist and as a person of faith, I want readers to know the “real deal,” so here’s a quick recap:  

First, Douthat found when one includes analysis of other religious polls like Gallup and the General Social Survey, the ratio of more faithfully committed Christians (those “strongly affiliated”) since 1990 has not declined at all: it has remained essentially the same.  The drop in those who identify as Christians is primarily made up of those that were not that committed (those “weakly affiliated”) in the first place.  

Second, French mentioned another analysis of a 2014 Pew religious landscape survey that had some important news for evangelicals.  Specifically, that evangelicals were far more likely retain their members than more mainline/traditional denominations – and more likely to attract those who were leaving those traditions. 

Third, a look at a Gallup report that came out the same day as Douthat’s article revealed even more good news about younger generations.  Interestingly, as people age, church attendance increases at somewhat similar rates for all generations, including Millennials.  The poll showed higher church attendance in 2019 for Millennials as they entered their thirties, much like generation X did when they entered their late twenties.  The poll also found “Nones” (no religious identity) decreased with age–and again, the downward trend was similar across generations. 

Finally, I can’t help pointing out that this dire headline tactic once again demonstrates how important it is to avoid getting discouraged by click-bait news headlines. Especially since even the most well-intentioned journalists often just don’t understand things of faith, and will often (and often unintentionally) seize on and write about the supposed surface bad news without looking deeper.  

I want to encourage us all to read beyond the headlines and look at the data. This is so similar to what Tally Whitehead and I found when we were writing The Good News About Marriage. Repeatedly, headlines overstressed actual divorce statistics, emphasized the bad news and neglected any positive news. For too long, pastors and regular churchgoers who care about marriage and things of faith have not seen the great news out there because we haven’t looked beyond the headlines.

David French ended his article by pointing out that America is less a “post-Christian nation” and more a “religiously divided nation”; divided between faithful believers and secularists. I agree. The one thing that all the data proves is that religious pretense is falling away, and people who don’t really have a personal faith are far more likely to say so. When asked “What is your religion?” on a survey, they now don’t call themselves a Christian just because they live in America. They are more likely to check “none.”  

It is a sorrow that there are so many in that category. And it is hard on churches and Christians who live in the areas where the “nones” are concentrated (such as the Pacific Northwest). But it is probably just reflecting the truth that has been there all along. (And given the latest Gallup report, we can pray for and trust that the Nones may end up at church as they age. We can also keep inviting them. The 2014 Pew religious landscape survey showed that more than one-third of adults who were not regular religious service attenders still went to one or more church services at some point during that year.)

All this data doesn’t prove the decline of the church — just the opposite. For all its faults, the church of Jesus Christ is working to stand faithful in a climate and a culture that has become far more honest about its lack of belief – and far more inclined to impose costs on those who don’t toe the secular line. I’m proud of our pastors and all followers of Jesus for continuing to share God’s love in this climate every day. The truth behind that headline — which might read “In U.S., Strength of Personal Christian Faith Continues to Shine” — is the one that every American Christian needs to know.

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Find Peace: A 40-day Devotional Journey For Moms, focuses on discovering biblical direction to become a woman of serenity and delight in all seasons – and have impact for generations to come.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post Yet Again: Don’t Believe the Doomsday Headlines about the Church appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Tips For Talking to Your Teen About Schedule Overload

The new school year is in full swing (wait, didn’t we just take those “first day of school” pictures yesterday?) and chances are you’re in full-on schedule management and chauffeur mode. There’s a ton of extra-curricular activities that teens can participate in—marching band, sports, robotics, scouts, clubs, lessons, and more can fill the afternoons and evenings (and don’t forget those early morning swim team practices!) Great kids want to be involved and won’t hesitate to dive into a full schedule. But sometimes your weeks might feel like a never-ending series of drop-offs and pick-ups. It can feel like too much—not just for your teen but for the family as a whole. 

We want our teens to try new things, discover or expand their talents, and spend time in positive, healthy pursuits. But we have to be diligent in making sure they’re not overloaded beyond what is really good for them. And we need to guard our own sanity while we try to coordinate packed schedules, transportation, and assignments without totally losing it.

As the mom of two active teens (one now in college) I can relate! 

Before you decide to “accidentally” lose your car keys or lock your teenager in their room before you lose your mind, let’s talk about what’s happening inside theirs. You already know that at this age your teen is embarking on an exciting new life season—but what you may not know is how scared they are of losing it. In my research, I was struck by how much teens and pre-teens are exhilarated and enlivened by this profound new feeling of freedom that they’re experiencing: it rapidly becomes one of the most important and most motivating things in their life.

Why, you ask? Let’s talk.

Extra-curricular activities give teens the opportunity to try—and succeed at—new things.

For the first time, your teen is learning what they’re interested in and good at without the ever-present hand and guidance of good ol’ mom and dad. They’re connecting with people and making new friendships of their choosing—maybe kids you’ve hardly even met. Maybe they’re being offered the chance to try new things that they’ve never done before. And finding out that they’re good at them! In many ways, your teen is probably feeling like a real person instead of just a child who doesn’t really know who they are. Now put yourself in their shoes and try to imagine how scary it would be to feel as if you were going to lose a lot of that. So if you decide that you need to limit your teen’s activities, this is why you might get some serious push-back.

Teens don’t want to lose the good feelings they get from succeeding at new things.

If you try to limit commitments by having your teen choose several (out of their many) activities, they’re not hearing a statement of sanity for the family, of compromise for you, or of setting good boundaries so their grades don’t suffer. They’re hearing things like: “You’re going to lose this amazing feeling of fitting in and people admiring you.” “You’re going to lose the feeling that you’ve finally gotten, of being good at something.” “You’re going to lose the intoxicating sensation that you can make your own choices and be your own person.”

You can see how upsetting that would be, right? Now, don’t get me wrong: it’s very reasonable to have your teen limit their activities if necessary. You’re doing your job as a parent to notice if things aren’t working and taking steps to address that. But the key is to understand what is underneath your teen’s reaction—because to them, their worry is reasonable, too.

Find ways to help your teen experience success within a reasonable schedule.

So if you consider making some changes, try to learn specifically what your teen’s worries might be and do whatever you feasibly can to address them. Ask questions about what they like most about each activity, and pull out the feelings behind the fears. Let them know that you totally understand and want to prioritize the things that are most important to them.

For example: “I saw you grin when you made that basket and everyone cheered. That’s a great feeling, isn’t it? If that is really important to you, let’s make sure one of your two activities is a team sport like that.” Or, “You’re really enjoying getting to know Katie and Eva, aren’t you? Maybe if we cut debate club, you can invite them over after school some days.”

Even though you might decide that cutting back on some activities is the best thing for your teen (and your family) in the long run, show them that you “get” why they could be upset, and that you want to value what matters to them. The end result? A more workable schedule for everyone and a better understanding of the individual your teen is becoming.

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Find Peace: A 40-day Devotional Journey For Moms, focuses on discovering biblical direction to become a woman of serenity and delight in all seasons – and have impact for generations to come.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post Tips For Talking to Your Teen About Schedule Overload appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Does Your Wife Think Your Marriage Has Lost its Spark? Here’s How to Respond

After getting their youngest child settled in at college for her freshman year, Phil began to notice signs of restlessness in his wife during their first few weeks of being empty nesters. Phil thought things were going great in their marriage—Leslie was a wonderful mom, a great wife, and his best friend. But now that the house was a lot quieter and she wasn’t running from one high school activity to another, now that it was just the two of them, her assessment of where they were as a couple didn’t match Phil’s. In fact, she broke down in tears one evening and blurted out that she thinks they’ve “settled” for a mediocre marriage. 

Phil was caught totally off-guard. He tells Leslie he loves her every day, but sometimes she’ll say things like, “Do you really love me?” When he asked her why she would even wonder that, she said that there’s no sense of connection anymore and she thinks he’s just going through the motions. Phil has no idea what to do. He’s wondering how he can get back a “connection” with someone he thought he had already been connected to for more than 20 years.

Phil loves his wife, and he has the best of intentions. But, like many men, he needs to understand a bit better what women most need from their husbands, during the emotionally difficult adjustment to an empty nest and in every season of life.

Women constantly question whether they are loved and loveable.

While a guy rarely questions whether his wife loves him, most women never get that sense of certainty. My husband, Jeff, and I found in our research with women that 80% of women—even confident women in great relationships—have a subconscious daily question about whether they are loved and loveable. So guys, you can put a ring on her finger and vow to love and cherish her forever, but that doesn’t mean she’s going to feel loved and cherished as long as you both shall live unless you do things every day to show her that you would choose her all over again.

I have a friend who says being with her husband is a bit like being a lonely radio receiving tower. She’s sure, mentally, that her husband loves her, but if he doesn’t broadcast that message on a frequency she can receive, well…she’ll never receive it. So she simply doesn’t feel loved. It sounds like that’s true of Phil’s wife, and it might be true of yours.

Your wife needs you to communicate your love for her every day.   

If—like Leslie—your wife is feeling like you’ve lost the powerful connection you had when you were younger, if she feels like your marriage is just mediocre, that doesn’t mean (or just mean) that she’s tired of the same routine. It’s quite likely that she just wants you to start broadcasting the same message every day that you did when you were dating: that she’s amazing, that you love her, that she’s your best friend, and that you want to spend the rest of your life with her. Husbands, you can’t stop sending the message that you want her simply because you already have her! Your wife needs to see your love for her, every day—in every phase of her life.

Here is my husband, Jeff’s, analogy for this: Think about your first car. Even if it was an old rust-bucket with doors that were painted a different color from the rest of the car, you loved it, right? Not to mention the nicer car that you got when you could finally afford it. Because that was your baby. You put all kinds of time and money into shining her up and making her look nice. And remember… you put all that time and money into the car after you bought it. Once the deal was already done. Marriage isn’t all that different. Because in your wife’s mind, her “I do” will always mean, “Do you?”

Start pursuing your wife again.   

So, it’s time for Phil—and you—to do the things you did to win your wife’s heart in the first place. She needs you to affirm her timeless vibrancy and priceless value. It’s time to start pursuing her again.

Now, at this point, Jeff tells me I have to reassure you: Don’t freak out. This doesn’t mean planning the big gestures you found so exhausting when you were dating! You don’t have to start jumping out of airplanes or planning a second wedding. You’ll be relieved to know: it is the little day-to-day things that pack the biggest punch. When was the last time you wrote her a text message that told her that you love her and that you are so amazed at what a great mom she is? When was the last time you took a five minute break during work to call her and ask how her day was going? Have you put your arm around her recently, when you were out at a restaurant with friends? If she needed to talk about her problems at work, have you learned how to listen to her feelings so she feels heard? Those small gestures of love make a big impact.

Learn to do little loving things every day.   

So learn to do the little things every day. And pay extra attention to her when she needs extra care! If it seems like your wife is having a rough day, mute your football game, put down the remote and go talk to her. Plant a smooch on her cheek as you walk through the kitchen. Phil set up a surprise FaceTime call with their daughter when Leslie was feeling a little blue that brought her to (happy) tears.

Doing a few little things that show your wife how much you love her will make her feel wooed and pursued all over again. And when you see her start to perk up and say she feels happier about where she is in her life right now and where the two of you are as a couple… don’t stop! Do it more. You’ll be glad you did.

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Find Peace: A 40-day Devotional Journey For Moms, focuses on discovering biblical direction to become a woman of serenity and delight in all seasons – and have impact for generations to come.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post Does Your Wife Think Your Marriage Has Lost its Spark? Here’s How to Respond appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.