Shaunti Feldhahn's Blog, page 31

Are You Missing Being Together? Let’s Connect! (In-Person or Virtually)

  Are you missing connection this year? Wondering if you’ll ever be able to attend another Women’s Night Out? (Or even a “Women’s Night In”?) Me, too!

But I just spoke at a wonderful women’s event that I think cracked the code—and I want to share it in case it gives you some good ideas.

I was recently asked to speak at a women’s event. Like a real, honest-to-goodness-in-person women’s event! They managed this by arranging it outdoors, socially-distanced (everyone brought their own chairs), and livestreamed for those who couldn’t attend in-person. The cost of the tickets included a boxed dinner from a local eatery—and an evening of precious, precious connection with other women.

I ran into Laura Story at my church this weekend (yes, pretty amazing that this award-winning contemporary Christian artist is our worship leader), and we were comparing notes on the fact that each of us had recently done an in-person event after so many months of being off the road. Both of us said that unexpectedly, when we got up in front of the crowd, we found tears in our eyes. It was so beautiful to see people gathered together.

I was particularly excited because it was the first time I was able to share a new and very important message: Finding Joy No Matter Your Circumstances. In the midst of uncertainty, division, worry and a global pandemic, I think we can all agree that God still wants us to experience His unshakeable joy. And it is sure needed now more than ever. (If someone has a more catchy talk title, let me know! I have always been challenged at coming up with simple but catchy titles!)

This talk is drawn from my new devotional, which is coming out on October 26, Find Joy: A Devotional Journey to Unshakeable Wonder in an Uncertain World. I am so excited about it, and I’ll be sharing more with you soon.

If your church has started meeting in any way in person, I urge you: give this women’s event model a try. As women, we thrive on connection. We need togetherness—we need to share. And it’s okay that “together” may look different these days.

And as a personal note: I would also love to share this uplifting and encouraging message on finding joy with you and your church. Whether that is in-person or virtually, and whether that is a Christmas brunch or a spring ladies’ night out.

If you think your Women’s Ministry Director would be interested, please forward this email and suggest it! Dana Ashley on my team would love to explore in-person or virtual event possibilities with you. Reach her at 615.672.6811 / dashley@shaunti.com.

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Thriving in Love and Money, uncovers the issues that cause money conflicts and provide couples with truths that are relationship game-changers…Because you need a better relationship, not just a better budget.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

The post Are You Missing Being Together? Let’s Connect! (In-Person or Virtually) appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

What ONE Question Would You Most Want to Ask a Sex Therapist?

A personal note from Shaunti Feldhahn:

Hi everyone—I need your help!

As I’ve been conducting research and writing on relationships over the last 16 years, our most widely-shared and viewed blogs have always been about sex. By far.

Most of us apparently have questions or curiosity about this topic! And I’d like to get a better handle on WHY that is and what average couples would find it most helpful to know.

Would you share your quick, anonymous input as part of a mini-research project? We need input from hundreds of couples on this question:

“Thinking about your sex life, if you could ask a sex therapist ONE QUESTION, what would it be?”

We have two ways you can confidentially ask your question. Either:

Click here and type your question into this anonymous comment form (along with a few key demographics, like age and marital status).
Call this mailbox number 678.653.6767 and leave a confidential message with your question.

We hope you will think about what impacts you personally, not just what would be interesting to know in general. Please also share this with your friends and ask if they’d be willing to participate! We will be categorizing these responses and seeing what patterns emerge. Then we’ll be sharing some answers to the most common/important questions.

Sounds like a fun series, eh?

No matter how major or seemingly minor, if you have questions, curiosity, disappointment or needs in your intimate life, we would love to hear about them through these anonymous formats. And this is your chance to perhaps not only get YOUR question answered but to help many other couples.

Thanks for participating!

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Thriving in Love and Money, uncovers the issues that cause money conflicts and provide couples with truths that are relationship game-changers…Because you need a better relationship, not just a better budget.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

The post What ONE Question Would You Most Want to Ask a Sex Therapist? appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

PART 2—The Election Probably Won’t Be Over on November 3 (and How Churches Can Respond)

This is the second article of a two-part series. Part 1 shared why it is highly possible we will not know who our next president is for many weeks after election day and thus might go through an explosive, contentious time. That article encouraged pastors, leaders and individuals to help set the expectations of their congregation, followers or friends, and think ahead about the big picture of how to respond. Part 2 is about our own personal response.

Two weeks ago, I spoke at a church on a topic that in other years might have felt almost routine—and this year felt anything but: Kindness. 

Wanting to equip the body of Christ on this topic right now, a church pastor in Michigan asked me to fly in. He interviewed me onstage during the sermon time about some of my key research findings on kindness. And in this crazy COVID-election season, we knew we were not only speaking to most listeners via Livestream, but also earnestly discussing a fruit of the Spirit that everyone values in theory . . . but which in actual practice seems even more sparse than 300 worshippers dotted around a 3,000-seat auditorium. 

Why am I highlighting the topic of kindness in a series about the U.S. election potentially taking many weeks to resolve? Because we have an incredibly important responsibility to think through how we—we personally—are going to respond during the uncertain and perhaps vitriolic months ahead. Especially those of us who, as people of faith, are asked to be light in darkness.

Below are some crucial factors to keep in mind. (And as with Part 1, if you think your pastor or ministry leader would benefit from this information, please pass it along.)

Don’t Just Fight Negativity During This Season: Actively Teach And Practice Kindness  

We have heard from many teachers and school administrators, as they reached out about our 30-Day Kindness Challenge initiative, that they have poured millions of dollars into anti-bullying programs that don’t work. As one put it, “You can’t effect change by teaching people not to be a bully: you have to teach kindness.” 

The same principle applies to our current moment and helps leaders who have been wrestling with how to address this chaotic time without getting unduly pulled into politics. Don’t just speak against negativity or urge restraint: teach active, Christ-like kindness. 

And practice kindness as well. Which can be hard in this season. Which brings us to an all-important point #2.

We Never Get A Free Pass To Be Unkind—Even When Others Have Been So To Us 

For those of us who are Christ-followers, here’s a principle to inform and guide our response: No matter what we feel led to do or say, no matter what person or policies we feel we’re supposed to support, not support, or fight against, no matter how unfairly attacked we are, we must look like Jesus in all our interactions. Period.

There is nothing in scripture that allows us to set aside the fruits of the Spirit just because we’re concerned about the direction of our country. There is no “out” in scripture for not being a person of love, no matter how provoked you are. And as my friend David French points out, the end never justifies the means, no matter how alarming a situation might be or how tempting it is to think otherwise. 

There’s simply no exception to the rule of Jesus. 

Yes, let’s vigorously support the direction, people and policies we feel led to support. But let’s think just as vigorously, every day, about whether any of our words or actions could bring dishonor to the name of Jesus. Instead of being the light of the world, is there anything that we are doing that might move beyond disagreement and deepen the darkness by spreading division and discord? Again, that’s not to say that we can’t share what we feel we’re supposed to share or stand up for what we believe is right. God calls us as Christians to do those things at times. But how we do it is of critical importance—and the bottom line is, we never get a free pass to become harsh or hateful.

Some people have brought up the clear Biblical example of Jesus seeming to “lose it” in His anger at the injustice of money changers extorting the poor in the temple. One person told me something like, “If Jesus can turn over the money changers’ tables in His anger at their wrong, I can certainly post angry rants on Facebook.” And just to be clear: I can’t tell you not to!  No one knows but the Lord knows exactly where deep concern becomes real unkindness. Everyone has to go to God for themselves and get guidance on what they should do and not do. 

Yet for the record, in case it helps, read the story of what Jesus actually did, in Mark 11:11-15. You’ll see that what might come across as “losing it,” was actually not an impulse. Jesus may well have been angry, but He wasn’t having a knee-jerk reaction to anger in the moment. He had actually gone to the temple late in the day the day before, had seen what was going on, and decided to come back the next day. Probably because there would be far more people there to see the statement He was about to make. Perhaps, like Jesus, there may be times when we need to have a more planned, pointed response rather than a reactionary one. 

Learn How To Be The Person Of Kindness You Already Think You Are

So how do we make sure we’re not crossing the line from impassioned to impatient, from firmly principled to harshly opinionated? This is the perfect time for the refresher we all need on how to be people of kindness. 

The 30-Day Kindness Challenge is a “kindness boot camp” that helps us to identify and address areas where we’re not as kind as we could be. We all value kindness, and we all think we’re kind—we just don’t realize that there are ways we are not being kind. Read The 30-Day Kindness Challenge book. Take a close look at Chapter 6, which talks about seven patterns of unkindness and negativity. Believe it or not, all of us exhibit at least one of those patterns (and some of us have more than one!). The aspects of unkindness that we’re probably most vulnerable to in this election season are exasperation, catastrophizing, and grumbling. Find out what your “red flag” areas are and be intentional about being a person of kindness in all areas of life, including politics. 

Talk Across The Aisle, Rather Than Mostly To Your TV Screen

One reason we’re so divided is that we tend to talk to, listen to, watch, and read information from people who agree with us. While being divided as a nation is not some people’s top concern, being divided and disconnected from those individuals who disagree with us must be. Because it is directly contrary to Jesus’ command to both love your neighbor and to care for those who oppose you.

So truly, the most important type of engagement is not media, TV news, or social media—it is to actually try to hear the heart of those with whom you completely disagree. Not because it will change your opinion (it probably won’t), but because it helps personalize them and their viewpoint instead of turning it into a too-simplistic or even inaccurate caricature of what “those people” think. 

The absolute best way of coming together as communities and a country today is for us to get out of our silos and really see and care for those who disagree with us. Even if we never see eye to eye on politics, we have far more in common than we think with those who will vote completely differently. 

Pray—And Point To Him

Finally—we all need to commit to pray. Pray that God guide us and others as we respond. As we vote. As we talk to others. And on behalf of our country, let’s also pray that in a year of firsts, this is not the first year we have an actual election crisis and distrust in the legitimacy of the election in a way that hurts our nation. 

Let’s follow God’s exhortation to, “Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, ‘children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.’ Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky as you hold firmly to the word of life.” (Philippians 2:14-16a)

Our assignment is not to fight the crooked and depraved generation. Our assignment is not to put any one objective or outcome first, but to put our lives as examples of Jesus’ love and kindness first. At the church where I spoke recently the worship leader said, “When someone looks at my life, I don’t want them to first see a donkey or an elephant, but the Lamb of God.” Let’s make that our aim, so that ultimately, in the midst of what could be a difficult and challenging season, we point to Him.

*If you would like to have Shaunti speak virtually or in-person to your congregation or participate in a pastoral interview on these topics (such as The 30-Day Kindness Challenge) leading up to the election—and beyond—please click here. 

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Thriving in Love and Money, uncovers the issues that cause money conflicts and provide couples with truths that are relationship game-changers…Because you need a better relationship, not just a better budget.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post PART 2—The Election Probably Won’t Be Over on November 3 (and How Churches Can Respond) appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

The Election Probably Won’t Be Over on November 3 (and How Churches Can Respond)— PART 1

In the pre-electronic age, wherever people clustered together and built community buildings (city halls, schools, churches) the most central one usually had a bell tower. Someone would pull the rope and ring the bell as a morning alarm, or as notice that church was about to start, or in celebration. But the most intense, long pealing was used as a warning—Fire! Attack! Flood! It was used to jerk the listener out of their daily routine so they could race to address something momentous that might otherwise blindside them.

Picture me running to the bell tower and hauling on that rope.

I am going to do something a bit unusual and return to my public policy roots for a moment. Not to dive into politics, but to share a crucial warning that some folks may not be fully aware of and ask all of us—especially church pastors and other ministry leaders—to think through a very crucial question. (So please forward this to your church pastor if you believe that he or she would want to know this information.)

Many pastors and leaders have shared with their congregation or followers their concern about our country’s extreme discord and division. They say things like, “This is going to be a hard few weeks in the run-up to the election . . . we have a responsibility as followers of Christ to have grace with each other . . . and I will be so grateful once November 3 is behind us!”

We deeply need that call to be light in the darkness, and I hope everyone listens. But most people don’t realize the deepest “darkness” may only be beginning on Election Day. It is very likely that the discord in the weeks following November 3 will be far worse; it is not overstating it to say that we may again see violence in the streets this year.

I hope that chaos is averted—and please hear me when I say that it definitely could be averted. But in the policy-wonk community where I still occasionally live, the probabilities add up to great concern and the alarm bells are sounding among hundreds of election researchers and pollsters. That is why each of us must be thinking ahead now about how to respond then—and how we can lead others to do so.

Some of you will have already heard and thought deeply about these things. But just to get us on the same page, let me put on my policy analyst hat and share three likely events we all need to be aware of. I’ll also share a few big-picture ideas for what to do about it. (I’ll discuss what we can do about it, personally, in a follow-up article.)

Likelihood #1:

On “Election Night,” We Probably Won’t Know Who is Elected

We need to be preparing ourselves and others for the high likelihood that on Election Night we won’t know who the next president is. We’ve gotten so used to news organizations compiling swift local election results and making calls (“CNN can now project that so-and-so will win Ohio”) that we forget those results from thousands of local election offices are not required to be finalized until weeks after Election Day.

And this year, there are several reasons the results probably can’t be finalized on Election Day. Here are two key ones:

This year, roughly 40% of the population are likely to vote via absentee ballot. Thankfully, some states, like Washington, are well-prepared because they have had mass absentee voting for years. But around the country, thousands of localities are unaccustomed to dealing with such large quantities of paper ballots, and simply don’t have systems to ensure they can be processed accurately and (As just one example, a county in New Jersey recently discovered a bin with more than 1,600 uncounted ballots from their July primaries that had simply been missed in the rush.) And since some swing states allow voters to mail ballots on November 3, it could be days or weeks until those crucial absentee votes are all tallied.
Unlike previous years, polls show a major partisan difference in absentee balloting, with Democrats far more likely to be voting that way than Republicans.

Why does that matter, you ask?

Likelihood #2: Election Night Could Look Like “Victory” For One Side Or the Other . . . When It Isn’t

It is possible that there will be such a landslide for one side or the other that the Election Night results won’t change due to absentee ballots. But . . . well . . . #2020, right? And a reversal could play out on either side of the aisle. I’ll share the most likely version, first.

Polls consistently show that Biden voters are more likely to stay away from the polls than Trump voters, and vote absentee instead. So, November 3 vote tallies could easily show what appears to be a decisive Trump victory—when in fact a winning number of Biden votes are sitting on millions of paper ballots in election facilities. Days or weeks later, when those are counted, what will Trump voters think when suddenly their perception that “President Trump wins!” is changed to “Wait—what do you mean, Biden wins?”

Will ardent Trump supporters go “Oh, okay then”? Or will they get furious because they simply weren’t aware of or prepared for that possibility? Will it look like voter fraud, even if it is shown to be due to an expected surge in absentee balloting?

Similarly, what happens if (for example) a very high proportion of elderly Republican absentee voters vote absentee due to COVID-19, and election night looks like a victory for Biden, but millions of Trump votes on paper eventually turn the outcome? How are elated Biden-supporting (and, often, Trump-hating) voters going to respond if suddenly Trump secures enough absentee votes to win the election after all?

What happens if people don’t prepare themselves, their congregations or community, and their friends and family for the idea that overturning the seeming Election Night “victor” is not just a remote possibility but actually likely?

More worrisome—what happens if the final outcome is not viewed as legitimate?

Likelihood #3: Discord and Enmity (and Lawsuits) Will Intensify During Uncertainty

There is immense fear on both sides of the aisle right now. Studies have shown that voters have solidified into their positions with far fewer “swing” voters than usual, and a deep distrust (even a dislike) of people “on the other side.”

In other words, there are far more partisans who are deeply suspicious of not only the opposing candidates but half of their fellow citizens. (See the new David French book for why this is, and what to do about it.) The partisans on each side are sincerely worried (some, even terrified) about what will happen to their family, community and country if “the other side” wins. And there is immense concern that the other side will “steal” the election.

And that is in advance. What will happen to that fear if (see “Likelihood #2”) if it looks like the other side is in the process of stealing the election?

That fear could easily grow to explosive levels—far more intense and larger in volume than the racial protests in May and June. While at the same time, there will likely be lawsuits like we have never seen before, that could delay the results until late in the year—maybe even until January. (See the bonus note at the end of this article for the mandated Constitutional timeline.)

With all of this, how easy would it be for the results to not be seen as legitimate by half the population? There could conceivably be challenges to our trust in the system and our democracy in some profound ways.

Bottom Line: We Need To Be Thinking About How We’re Going To Respond

With this scenario looming, there’s a real need for us to be thinking ahead, both as individuals and as leaders: How will I walk through the potential chaos—in the streets and on social media? How do I want to steer my family and children (or congregation or followers) through this? How do I want to encourage them to interact with the world? What is my responsibility to help them think about all this in advance?

Perhaps my main responsibility is to ensure my friends and family are aware of this season ahead and thinking about it too. But if I am a local, regional or national leader, do I perhaps have a bigger responsibility to help my community accept the legitimacy of the results? (For example, can I pull together or offer to be a part of a nonpartisan, independent commission of other high-profile, local leaders who agree in advance to publicly stand behind whatever my locality certifies are the election results?)

More personally: How do I want to conduct myself during this season? How should I respond in my personal and professional life to the potential for this kind of political and cultural turmoil? We’ll dive into those questions in Part 2.

Bonus notes

More Detail on Timing:

How long could the election results and court challenges drag out? When will we know who the President is? Short answer: There are some supposed deadlines (see below), but the only truly firm Constitutional date is that a new President must be sworn in on January 20, 2020.

Long answer: Technically this year, December 8 is the statutory date by which all state recounts and court contests must be concluded. Practically, as we learned in Bush v. Gore in 2000, those deadlines merely transfer the chaos to the U.S. Supreme Court and start the clock there. A more robust deadline is December 14, which is when those “electoral college” votes are supposed to be cast. (Remember, technically, when you step into the voting box you aren’t voting for a Presidential candidate, you’re voting for an elector who is supposed to represent your vote on December 14.) However, because of originally allowing horses and buggies time to deliver those ballots from around the country, the dates those votes are supposed to be received and counted are later: in this case December 23 and January 6.

And any and all of those deadlines are likely to be fraught with intensity and surrounded by court battles and delays.

The only truly firm date is January 20, 2021. On that day, a President will be sworn in. Even if our normal election process falls apart and no candidate gets an Electoral College majority (for whatever reason), the Constitution provides that the newly-elected House of Representatives will choose the President and the new Senate will choose the Vice President.

Click here for more.

N.B. I grew up in Washington, D.C., worked on Capitol Hill and in the Executive Branch, and have a Master in Public Policy.

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Thriving in Love and Money, uncovers the issues that cause money conflicts and provide couples with truths that are relationship game-changers…Because you need a better relationship, not just a better budget.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post The Election Probably Won’t Be Over on November 3 (and How Churches Can Respond)— PART 1 appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Planning Your (Delayed) Wedding? Focus on What Really Matters.

A friend recently told me about her nephew’s much-delayed wedding. First, it was going to be in April 2020. Then when the pandemic shut everything down and their scattered family couldn’t safely gather, they postponed it to June. Then August. And now, my friend just reported, the couple has booked a date in November. But there’s one little difference—which is actually huge.

They’ve decided that will be the day no matter what. Even if some of their dearest family members have to listen in over Zoom, the two of them will be married that day.

What changed?

Somewhere along the way they realized the same thing that many other couples have discovered throughout history: As special as we want the wedding to be, what we most want is a special marriage. Which requires actually getting married, even if the day may look a bit different from the vision in our minds.

If you or someone you love is stressed about planning the perfect “big day,” disappointed by inevitable pandemic disruptions, or simply wanting to go into their wedding with the right focus, here are three steps that will make all the difference.

Stay Laser-Focused On This Truth: No Matter What Happens, You’ll Be Married!

When a close friend got married last year, I was wondering how she managed packed workdays, bridal boot camps, and family drama as she also managed the usual endless wedding details and tasks. And given this year’s pandemic realities, having myself recently planned a major event with a lot of moving parts, I can only imagine how much more complicated a wedding must be today.

Yet I also I remember with crystal clarity something Jeff said years ago when he saw me getting caught up in all the details and worries over whether our own wedding would be the one I’d always dreamed of. He put his hands on my shoulders to stop my recitation of the problems with the caterer, the soloist’s scratchy voice, and the bad storm that might sweep in right as we were supposed to be taking our beautiful send-off pictures. He said, “No matter what happens, at the end of the day, you and I are going to be married.”

The full-time job of planning a wedding can so easily make us lose that perspective.

Don’t let it. Remind yourself what your wedding day is really about: not putting on a show but committing to one another for life, before God and your witnesses.

In our case, each of those big worries I had actually came true. The scratchy voice caused some issues, the caterer did indeed run out of food, and the storm was epic. And yet because Jeff had moved my vision onto what mattered most, I wasn’t troubled. We were married!!

Allow Yourself To Grieve What You’re Missing

Every couple wants their wedding day to be the most special day of their lives. Even during normal times, that’s a lot to ask of an event. In a time when things are far from normal, serious adjustments may have to be made. Like the couple I mentioned earlier, you may have to even hold a wedding without some loved ones you’re longing to have present.

Give yourself permission to grieve what you are missing.

In the course of our current research project, Jeff and I are working closely with a very experienced marriage and family therapist. I was startled to hear him say that most of the work of a counselor is grief work: for example, helping a couple find a healthy way to grieve what isn’t and move toward joy in what is.

If you’re having a hard time with the reality of setting aside years of beautiful Pinterest board desires, your anticipated guest list, and many years of wedding expectations, tell yourself that it is okay to grieve those things. It’s okay to be sad and disappointed.

Then tell yourself that it is only part of the story. Even if you were to wait for the perfect day, even if you plan things perfectly, things will never truly be perfect. And the bigger story—the truly beautiful story—is what we said earlier. Things won’t be perfect, but you’ll be married!  

Always keep in mind the timeless truth: You’re going to be a bride for one day, but you’re going to be a wife for the rest of your life.

Spend More Effort Preparing For Your Marriage Than Planning Your Wedding

You’re ready to commit your lives to one another. Now, consider how you’re spending your time and energy during this engagement season. Are you investing more in preparing to get married or in preparing to be married? Investments you can make in your marriage now include pre-marital counseling, seeking out mentors who can pour their wisdom and experience into your lives, and learning more about relationships and marriage.

Even if pre-marital counseling might have to look different (via Zoom!) this year, there is so much you can do to truly prepare. In particular, I’ve been so grateful that thousands of churches recommend that engaged couples read For Women Only: What You Need To Know about the Inner Lives of Men and For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women.  One such church came up with a brilliant idea that we have recommended ever since: each of you read the book that describes yourself and mark up and make notes on what applies to you and what doesn’t. Then trade books. You’ll now be reading a personalized copy to take a tour into the most intimate thoughts, fears, and needs of this most important person in your life.

No matter what your planning and preparations look like, take joy in anticipating and walking through your big day. It will go faster than you can imagine. Savor the moments, be fully present. Be okay with those things that may not quite work the way you wanted them to. And enjoy the fact that at the end of the day, you’ll be married—married!—and that is what’s most important of all.

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Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Thriving in Love and Money, uncovers the issues that cause money conflicts and provide couples with truths that are relationship game-changers. Because you need a better relationship, not just a better budget.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post Planning Your (Delayed) Wedding? Focus on What Really Matters. appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

The Good News about Couples in Quarantine

Have you been wondering how marriages have been holding up during this weird time when we have been locked down? Me, too! I’ve heard many people throw out the comment that “marriages are crumbling under the pressure.” And an article out of the UK was trending recently, exclaiming that the divorce rates in the United States  “soar by 34 percent during the COVID-19 pandemic.” That negative perception has made the rounds.

And yet from what we can tell so far, the data doesn’t back that up! Some more rigorous studies are being done right now and we’ll bring you all that information once we receive it. But until then, I want to caution all of us to not spread what might be a dangerous misperception that will discourage those marriages that most need hope!

For those of you who like knowing the real facts, here’s what we know so far.

Where Are The Numbers Coming From?

First, the article referenced above has no information from any real study and doesn’t actually discuss “divorce rates” at all! It references several anecdotal sources, including isolated information from a legal document website (which would financially benefit from bad news!) such as demand for “divorce agreements.” Those downloads peaked in mid-April, after about three weeks of a full US national lockdown. While it makes sense that quarantines might bring existing marriage trouble to a head, we have no idea what happened after a frustrated spouse bought a divorce agreement form. According to other research, such as a 2015 study from the National Divorce Decision-Making Project, most people who think about divorce don’t actually pursue it!

Time Together Can Actually Help Marriages

Second, a wide array of research, including my own, has shown that spending a lot of time together actually builds bonds for most couples. My research for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages found that “normal life” schedule craziness can often be dangerous for a relationship, because it prevents a couple from being together. Spouses need to be best friends, and that is largely built through time—whether that is through official date nights, mutual hobbies or just hanging out. And of course, this shutdown has given couples a lot of time together! I’ve conducted dozens of research interviews of married people since the pandemic hit and have heard two trends: yes, the fear and economic uncertainty of this season can put a deep strain on an already strained marriage—but it can also help knit it back together. Because once you’re closer, you’re more able to work through those things that might have been much harder when you were still living two separate lives.

Some Uplifting Numbers

All that said, of course this pandemic has added enormous stressors to even the happiest marriages—from loss of income and personal space all the way to sickness and death. It may seem naïve to think marriage can survive this, but let’s look at what we do already have in the way of more reliable data.

Monmouth Poll surveyed people in relationships in early May 2020 and found some uplifting numbers: “59% say they are extremely satisfied with that relationship and 33% are very satisfied. Another 4% are somewhat satisfied and just 1% are either not too or not at all satisfied.” Nearly three-fourths (74%) of those with a partner commented that the coronavirus had not altered their relationship at all. Just as encouraging, an August 2020 Ipsos poll found a staggering 71% of those in non-married relationships said they wanted to take their relationship to a more committed level since COVID-19 hit.

All that gives me hope! And we’ll have better data soon since my friend and marriage expert, Brad Wilcox, tweeted out that he is addressing the UK article with his own research findings in the next month. So let’s hold our horses, stop saying divorce is going up during this time and anticipate some more scientific data coming soon!

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Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Thriving in Love and Money, uncovers the issues that cause money conflicts and provide couples with truths that are relationship game-changers. Because you need a better relationship, not just a better budget.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post The Good News about Couples in Quarantine appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Join me for a Facebook Live with Katie Phillips on Friday, August 28 at 3pm (EST)!

Hey friends! Guess what I get to do on Friday?

I get to go to iDisciple Publishing and celebrate my friend on a Facebook Live!

As you already know, iDisciple Publishing has put out several of what we affectionately call “The Find Series”. Find Rest, Find Peace, Find Balance . . . and my next devotional will be out this fall—just in time for the holidays. But more on that later!

iDisciple Publishing is also now the new home to my Senior Writer and Editor, Katie Kenny Phillips. Katie has been my friend for years before joining my ministry team and has been involved in all the devotionals and works on special writing projects for me. And I couldn’t be happier that she is launching a series of children’s books with iDisciple Publishing—and I get to celebrate with her this week!

Her first book, God, You Make Me Feel Special, offers sweet conversations between children and God—and allows them to hear firsthand how much God loves them—even before their birthday! It has beautiful illustrations (what kid wouldn’t be crazy about this adorable sloth?!) and scripture in language little ones can understand. I can’t think of a better way for parents and grandparents to introduce a personal relationship with God to little ones. Katie has said these books are important because “Everyone—whether big or small—needs to know God made them on purpose and for a purpose.” That is why kids will say “God, you make me feel special!” after hearing it.

And even more exciting, there are two more in the series that will be out before Christmas! God, You Make Me Feel Loved (with a llama!) and God, You Make Me Feel Safe (with a hedgehog!) will be out soon.

So, I’m hoping you’ll do a couple things:

Preorder this book (It officially releases on Monday!) Whether you have little ones yourself, grandchildren, or need a meaningful baby shower gift, this book is a wonderful way to introduce your precious ones to the greatest source of love: their Heavenly Father.
Join the iDisciple Publishing Book Club Facebook page for a Facebook Live with both of us this Friday, August 28 at 3pm (EST). Hear some fun behind-the-scenes stories about how Katie and I met, hear more about the book, and I’m sure lots of laughs too.
Visit her on Instagram. She posts some of the funniest quotes from her kids (she has FIVE of them!) and gives updates on her upcoming children’s books (Hint: there are more to come!)

Thank you, friends. Hope to see you on Friday!

Shaunti

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Thriving in Love and Money, uncovers the issues that cause money conflicts and provide couples with truths that are relationship game-changers. Because you need a better relationship, not just a better budget.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post Join me for a Facebook Live with Katie Phillips on Friday, August 28 at 3pm (EST)! appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Part 4 — Your Husband Just Lost His Job: How to Respond

As we venture through this time of uncertainty, I hope this series has been helpful. In Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3, we looked at the intense emotions that our man may not show if he’s lost his job, but that are very real, and what to do as we start the journey. In this Part 4, we will wrap up the series with what we as women can do to help us move forward, thriving as a couple, no matter what.

Tip #8: Partner With Your Man To Imagine And Then Create A New Future Together

The end of a job can be a cloud that holds a silver lining. Although you might not say it at the outset, many couples have come to realize that sometimes a reboot can be a good thing.

Many couples in our research for Thriving in Love & Money indicated that although it was incredibly painful to have gone through a job loss, they eventually looked back and recognized that it led to something beautiful that would not have happened otherwise.

My husband Jeff certainly has that story. After growing up in a rural area, graduating high school, and joining his brothers for seven years in owning a restaurant, the economy went south and they had to close. All their money was lost. It was devastating. But without having to work 80-hour weeks in the restaurant it also meant he could go to college . . . and a few years later, against all odds, that farm boy from a small town in Michigan was walking into Harvard Law School.

Now, Jeff wasn’t yet married (we met in his final year), but the principle is the same: God can and usually does take something that seems so dark and dead-end-like, and turn it into a new path that you never could have imagined.

So together, once you are past the initial stages of shock and grief, use this externally imposed change to your advantage. Take some time to re-visit your shared values, hopes, and dreams. Maybe you’re 10 or 20 years into your life together and things are running on autopilot. Now that you’ve been pushed out of the routine and flow of day-to-day life, use the time-out to consider your future. What do you want the rest of your life to look like? Consider schedule, responsibilities, stress level, financial plans. Make adjustments that will benefit each of you individually, as well as your marriage and the family as a whole. Connect (or re-connect) as a couple for some purposeful planning. And then start putting your plans into action.

Tip #9: Make The Most Of The Transition Time

In the midst of the transition from one job to another, spend some time outside of crisis mode. As I shared in The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, a powerful way for couples to combat stress and friction is by spending time together—doing special things or just hanging out. Use this time to do some fun things as a couple and as a family. Schedule a few daddy-daughter dates and father-son outings. Take on the DIY project that’s been on your to-do list for months. Eat breakfast in bed. Take walks or bike rides together. Yes, a job search is a job in itself, but encourage your husband to punch out regularly. Make playfulness, fun, and adventure a part of day-to-day life. The extra time together can prevent difficult circumstances from eroding your marriage and make it stronger instead.

Tip #10: Trust God

One of the reasons job losses are so scary is that our illusion of control is stripped away—and we realize it is just that: an illusion.

Ultimately, we can handle things wisely, work hard, and do everything we can do together as a couple to make the money work. But in the end, God is the one who is in control, and we can trust Him to provide. I know not everyone reading this piece will be in that same place of belief.  But I would encourage you to do this: Pray to the God of the Bible and ask Him to uphold you and your husband. To provide for your needs. This may not always mean all your wants, but for your true needs. And that includes your emotional and spiritual needs, not just your physical ones. Talk to God about your worries for your man, for you, and everything that is on your heart.

And then get out a notebook or journal, and every day write down what happens. Don’t miss it. God’s hand is at work even when we don’t recognize it—but when you write down all the little day-to-day things that happen as you go, you will begin to see the great, shining pattern that broadcasts to the two of you God’s love and care as a good Father for His children.

Friends, we never know what the day will bring. Some days bring happy, positive changes, and some . . . not so much. A loss of job—especially when it occurs without warning—is a dose of adversity that any of us would rather not face. But a wife who extends kindness, understanding, encouragement, and faith can help her man regain his confidence and move forward. No matter what happens in jobs or finances in this particular season, your efforts to be the wife your man needs will deliver immeasurable benefits that will shine in your life and marriage for all the years to come.

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Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Thriving in Love and Money, uncovers the issues that cause money conflicts and provide couples with truths that are relationship game-changers. Because you need a better relationship, not just a better budget.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post Part 4 — Your Husband Just Lost His Job: How to Respond appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Part 3: Your Husband Just Lost His Job: How to Respond

In Part 1 we shared the surprising (shocking!) emotional factor at work inside most men that every wife needs to know—especially when he is facing a job loss (or worried about one). In Part 2, we shared several crucial actions to take at the outset of this new journey. In this Part 3 we’ll talk about what to do as the journey continues on. And maybe on and on and on . . . .

And in Part 4 we’ll finish with how to help both of you move forward well—together.

Tip #5: Comfort Him As He Grieves The Loss—Which May Take Time

If you’ve ever lost a dearly loved one unexpectedly, you may know the feeling that you have lost time as well as a person. Where did those two months go? I thought to myself a few months after my father passed away. It wasn’t that I was sitting on the couch so deep in grief that I could do nothing—but I certainly wasn’t as effective as normal at accomplishing things either.

A similar time warp exists when your man loses a job. And in this case, because of the emotional “confirmation” (in his mind) that he is indeed a failure, it can be paralyzing. In research interviews for our books, many hundreds of women told me examples of a husband who initially seemed okay on the heels of a job loss . . . but who grew more and more lethargic as he tried over and over again to get another one.

In other words: from the point when he loses his job to when he secures another one, a man is emotionally feeling the pain of failure over and over again. He is essentially feeling new grief with every rejection, every time he hears “They decided to go a different direction”—or when he simply doesn’t hear anything at all. At some point, it may become so excruciating that he prefers not to try. To stay numb.

One of the few things that will help to pull a man out of that excruciating sense of failure is the overt sense that his wife believes in him. Bottom line: this is not the time for bracing words like, “What are you doing moping around? You won’t find a job from in front of the television! Get out there!” This is a time for stating in many ways that you are in his corner. We may think that the “get out there!” words will stir a man to action . . . but in most cases, they don’t help, because they don’t address the underlying problem: that he no longer believes in his ability to accomplish what he has set out to do.

So what is one key thing that does affirm his ability to accomplish things? Well . . .

Tip #6: Sex

You might have suspected this was going to make it into the list somewhere. In our research for For Women Only I was shocked to see just how much sex meets an emotional need for a man—far, far more than a physical one. And during a season when he is doubting himself or depressed, seeing that his wife wants to be with him in this way is profoundly impactful.

The truth that we as women often don’t recognize is that a man deeply wants to feel wanted and desired by his wife—to feel that he is desirable. He wants to know that he can please her, sexually. When she shows that she enjoys it, it makes him feel that he is good at something important! More generally, when she responds to his advances—or initiates her own!—it is a dramatic emotional support. And it builds a closeness that is hard to build any other way.

As one man told me, “Everything can be falling apart around me. But if I know my wife desires me, there is a sense that I can handle anything. I know it might sound odd to you. But it goes very, very deep into the heart of a man.”

Tip #7: Stay Calm And Communicate Your Confidence In His Abilities

You might be ready to panic over how the bills are going to get paid. But keep your concerns about financial fallout in check enough that you can ultimately trust God to provide, rather than inadvertently putting that pressure on your husband.

Trust me: your man knows that the bills need to get paid. And he needs to see that you are confident that he can and will be a provider again. Your husband wants to provide for his family. It is a burden that probably presses very heavily on him. But since he is already fighting feelings of inadequacy, what he needs to keep going is something that counteracts that in adequacy: to believe in himself. And in most cases, one of the most powerful means of doing that is knowing that you believe in him.

So instead of reminding him (for the third time) about making an appointment with the recruiting agency, affirm his power to provide and thank him for the steps he has already taken. And don’t hesitate to ask what you can do that would help while he’s out there pounding the pavement. For example, if you’re open to adding overtime hours on your job to help take the pressure off while he looks for his, definitely tell him so! Just make sure he knows you’re not doing it to send an object-lesson message that his job-seeking efforts have been inadequate!

Was this helpful? We hope so! The final few tips will help you set yourself and your man up well for the future. Stay tuned for Part 4! Click here to automatically receive Part 4, and other articles like this.

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Thriving in Love and Money, uncovers the issues that cause money conflicts and provide couples with truths that are relationship game-changers. Because you need a better relationship, not just a better budget.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post Part 3: Your Husband Just Lost His Job: How to Respond appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Part 2: Your Husband Just Lost His Job: How to Respond

We are facing the greatest time of economic uncertainty in almost 100 years. Our world has experienced many layoffs, and it is entirely possible that many more are coming. 

Although everyone is negatively impacted by a job loss, many women don’t recognize a crucial truth about how it hits men in particular. And yet we need to. Last time in Part 1, we introduced Tip #1 on how to respond and explained a shocking truth running under the surface that will change–should change—how we respond when our husband loses his job. (Or if he’s even worried about it.)

In this Part 2, we’ll tackle Tips #2, #3, and #4 on what that means in practice: what we can actually do at the outset of the journey.

Tip #2: Always Respond To The Inner Man—Not The Outer One

Our man may look so confident in himself. Sometimes, even when everything is falling to pieces around him, he might seem strong and sure. 

Don’t be fooled. As mentioned last time, most of the men on our surveys for For Women Only (about 75%) said that this confidence was just a mask. Inside, most men hide a deep self-doubt about one question: am I any good at what I do?!  

Whether or not the job loss had anything to do with your husband’s job performance, he will perceive it as a confirmation of all the insecurities he had about himself. He will perceive it as the worst thing that he can be: a failure. A confirmation that no, you are not any good at what you do. Thinking that he can’t cut it—or worse, the idea that someone else has decided he can’t cut it—is a humiliating feeling that every man wants to avoid at all costs. 

And yet, now, the worst has happened. 

So, in everything else that you do—as you apply or adapt all the rest of the advice we’re sharing here—always, always, respond to the real, vulnerable man your husband is on the inside. No matter how assured or strong he might look on the outside.

Tip #3: If He Needs It, Give Him Time And Space To Process The Shock 

If you are a verbal processor (which the majority of women are), and if your husband is an internal processor (which the majority of men are), there might be a clash. You may need to talk. Badly. You may have a million questions about what happened. What are you feeling? Have you talked to anyone else who got laid off? How are we going to pay our bills? Should I do more with my side hustle to bring in cash? Why aren’t you talking to me?! 

But if your man is like most, his brain needs to process through his thoughts, feelings, ideas, and fears before he can even hope to talk about it. And the more sudden the layoff, the more difficult it may be to process. Was there any inkling that it was coming? Did he have a chance to say goodbye to his co-workers? If he was totally blindsided, he had no opportunity to mentally prepare. 

Give him a chance to process what’s happened. Whether your man wants to spend some quality time with his fishing pole in tranquil waters, play pickup basketball with his buddies, or sit staring at the TV—accommodate that for a while. Even if it is making you crazy to wait.

Here’s the advice of one man who has been through an emotional “failure” situation in business:

“I think a lot of guys don’t even know what they are thinking or feeling in a situation like that. That sense of failure goes so deep it takes over his ability to even think for a while. And once his brain starts up again, he may need to go into his cave to think and process. So he needs to know his wife is there for him. 

Ideally, he would probably like to just go off in a corner and work through it by himself, make a plan, and come out with it all figured out. But he has to know that his wife needs something, too. That she’s hurting, too. So early on, she might say something like, ‘I know this must be such a blow. I want you to know, I’m in your corner. I believe in you. If you want to talk about it, I’m here. If you need time to yourself to figure things out, I’m okay with that too. But just so you know, for me, at some point, I need to talk about it with you. Because I love you, and the only way I can fully process it is with you. I need you.’” 

Tip #4: Make Sure He Knows He Is Meeting Your Needs

When you see the end of that previous quote in Tip #3, you may think, “I don’t want to pressure him with my needs, when he is the one going through such a difficult time.” And yet, the men in our research were clear that one of their greatest desires is to know that they are needed.  

But the nuance to this is crucial. He desires to know that you need him, and that he is doing a good job at meeting those needs. Remember: he doubts himself. Especially now that his insecurities have been heightened in excruciating fashion, he may be on a knife-edge about whether he is being the husband you need. The dad your kids need. And that is highly tied to whether he feels like he is doing a good job at what he tries to do.  

Look for every opportunity to affirm that. For example, let’s assume that two days ago you said something like what was suggested by the man in Tip #3. So tonight, it would mean the world to your husband if you said, “Honey, I could tell that you were feeling down tonight. That you were looking at the bank account and worrying. And that you didn’t want to talk about it. And yet . . . you did. You were willing to sit down after the kids were in bed and talk about it because I needed to. That meant so much to me. You are a great husband.”

So now you’ve got a foundation for the beginning of the journey. But what do you do in the days to come? See the next steps in Part 3. Click here to automatically receive Part 3, and other articles like this.

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Thriving in Love and Money, uncovers the issues that cause money conflicts and provide couples with truths that are relationship game-changers. Because you need a better relationship, not just a better budget.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post Part 2: Your Husband Just Lost His Job: How to Respond appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.