Shaunti Feldhahn's Blog, page 28

Tomorrow Is An Important Day In My Health Journey

Friends,

As some of you know, I recently found out that I have breast cancer (see my blog about it here). It’s been a whirlwind medical journey since right before Christmas as I’ve gone through all sorts of crazy testing adventures – each one of them seemingly leading to more tests! (I know that those of you who have gone through this sort of process yourself are all nodding in recognition right now.)

When I was first diagnosed, I was so aware of how clueless I was about this new world and all the decisions I’d need to make, that my research nerdiness came out in full force. I started interviewing those who have gone before me on this journey. And the biggest thing I’ve heard is how flexible one really needs to be. And I’ve seen that over and over in just the last few weeks.  As much as I want to try to control and think ahead, this journey doesn’t work that way: you can only look at the next step and the new information that will come from that step, which will then probably change the next one.

Well, tomorrow is a big next step in this journey. I’ll be in surgery and recovery for several hours.  And praying for good news!

Here’s a video with a more personal update and some additional details about what’s happening tomorrow. I surely would appreciate your prayers. And I’m beyond thankful that God goes before me and has all of this under control.

https://youtu.be/70mRQp5AgPM

The post Tomorrow Is An Important Day In My Health Journey appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

The Sex & Conversation Series, Part 2: Sex Creates A Powerful Connection With Your Man’s Heart

A few months ago, I was very frustrated with our old home WIFI router. Videos constantly froze, emails wouldn’t send, and audio dropped in and out. After we stopped being able to send and receive messages properly, we got a new router. But it didn’t really help. Extenders, moving the modem—nothing changed it much. Finally, we realized the problem was far more fundamental: our home’s entire connection to the internet was poor quality. New equipment and in-house fixes would make only a marginal difference. We had to improve our overall connection.

I was thinking about that as I recently overheard several women talk about how easy it is to feel not connected in our marriages today. Even with many married couples spending more time at home than ever before, we still have busy days, work commitments, deadlines, balancing kids’ school and activities . . . it can be easy to feel closer to our kids than to our husband. Or we simply may feel a bit of distance from him. We may even realize that messages aren’t being sent and received properly.

There are many “fixes” that will help. Getting dinner out, asking the kids to give you a few minutes for uninterrupted “couch time” conversation, or getting out and doing a hobby together are all great steps. But in the end, many of us also need to improve our overall connection to our husband. And it may surprise us that for him, all those other things may only make a marginal difference if the quality of our sexual connection is lacking.

We both want to feel close again—but the way we feel close might be very different

When we feel distant, all of us—both husbands and wives—instinctively want to find some way to close the gap; we want to feelclose to each other again. But what creates that connection may be very different for your husband than for you.

Although there are exceptions, we as women tend to try to create closeness by reaching out for a hug or touch, and a leisurely conversation over a meal. Due to the emotional and verbal connections in the female brain, we feel incredibly connected to our man when we talk with him and share life in a heart-to-heart way through conversation. Hence the reason for this recent article for men on the power of listening (Part 1 in the Sex and Conversation series).

But what if I told you that for most men (although again, there are exceptions), nothing makes a man feel closer to his wife than to share life in a heart-to-heart way through sex?

Let me tell you more.

A heart longing, not a selfish demand

Between television, steamy movie love scenes, and the conventional wisdom of your girlfriends at work, it is easy to think that “men only care about one thing.” And once we subconsciously believe that myth, his desire for sex can frankly come across as a primal, selfish demand. After all, with everything we have to handle as a wife and mom, sometimes physical intimacy can seem like just another thing to check off the “to do” list, right?

But there is so much more going on, deep in a man’s heart, that makes him reach out for you in that way. In most cases, the number one language for building a deeper connection with your husband is not spoken in words. It is shared through physical intimacy. During my research about men for For Women Only I was so surprised to learn that for most men, times of sexual intimacy are the main times when oxytocin, the “bonding hormone” is released. Those are the moments when he feels so incredibly close to you. That all-important connection is built.

Don’t get me wrong—we feel that connection and bonding during intimacy, too! But we can also feel that level of closeness (even if not the same type of closeness!) when he asks us to tell him all about something that is on our mind, and then really listens and engages in meaningful conversation.  

So sex is not just a physical thing for men. It is one of the main ways to his heart. And as a result, building closeness in this way delivers great benefits outside the bedroom too.

But for many of us, it means thinking about sex differently.

Being purposeful is an act of love and care

We think sex should be spontaneous. That’s what Hollywood shows, anyway. And yet as many wives have discovered, waiting for the right time for “spontaneous” sex often means it just doesn’t happen! So if we want to prioritize connection, we need to be purposeful.

Now, some wives (about 18% on our last survey) have a higher desire than their husbands—and if you are in that category, you are likely thinking about it anyway! But the rest of us may need to be much more intentional.

When I shared this with a group of women at a marriage conference, one approached me and said, “I’m struggling with a little bit of resentment about this. I get that intimacy is important, and I care about it too. But saying we need to be intentional makes it feel like this is yet one more thing I have to do in an already full day.”

I fully understood where she was coming from! It is easy to be resentful if you think of this as yet one more thing your hubby has put on your to-do list! But in the usual, non-abusive marriage, that is not the way he’s thinking about it—so it requires us taking a different view as well. I posed this question to that wife: “Do you want your husband to ask things like “How was your day?” Do you want him to reach out and engage in meaningful conversation with you even when he’s tired at the end of a long series of client meetings?”

When she indicated that yes, that did matter to her—and in fact, her husband did try to engage in that way—I said, “It’s very similar. Asking about a wife’s day and listening is not most men’s natural inclination. But it is something your husband tries to do, for one reason: because it matters to you! It isn’t one more thing you have put on his to-do list, right? It is something he tries to remember to do because he loves you.”

Ladies, because of how many of us are wired, sex may not be top of mind during a busy day. But if we are trying to fix a sense of distance or dissatisfaction, or create a bridge to our man, let’s see that foundational need and desire for connection that is in our man’s heart, and go straight to the one thing that will most build it with him.

Read part 1 of The Sex & Conversation Series: One Simple Sentence That Will Delight Your Wife

Find Christ-focused wonder in the midst of everyday life no matter what your situation might be. Pick up a copy of Shaunti’s latest devotional, Find Joy, available in major bookstores.

Check out Shaunti’s latest book and Discussion Guide (co-authored with her husband, Jeff), Thriving in Love and Money. Because you need a better relationship, not just a better budget.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post The Sex & Conversation Series, Part 2: Sex Creates A Powerful Connection With Your Man’s Heart appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Sex Creates A Powerful Connection With Your Man’s Heart

Part 2 of the Sex and Conversation Series

A few months ago, I was very frustrated with our old home WIFI router. Videos constantly froze, emails wouldn’t send, and audio dropped in and out. After we stopped being able to send and receive messages properly, we got a new router. But it didn’t really help. Extenders, moving the modem—nothing changed it much. Finally, we realized the problem was far more fundamental: our home’s entire connection to the internet was poor quality. New equipment and in-house fixes would make only a marginal difference. We had to improve our overall connection.

I was thinking about that as I recently overheard several women talk about how easy it is to feel not connected in our marriages today. Even with many married couples spending more time at home than ever before, we still have busy days, work commitments, deadlines, balancing kids’ school and activities . . . it can be easy to feel closer to our kids than to our husband. Or we simply may feel a bit of distance from him. We may even realize that messages aren’t being sent and received properly.

There are many “fixes” that will help. Getting dinner out, asking the kids to give you a few minutes for uninterrupted “couch time” conversation, or getting out and doing a hobby together are all great steps. But in the end, many of us also need to improve our overall connection to our husband. And it may surprise us that for him, all those other things may only make a marginal difference if the quality of our sexual connection is lacking.

We both want to feel close again—but the way we feel close might be very different

When we feel distant, all of us—both husbands and wives—instinctively want to find some way to close the gap; we want to feelclose to each other again. But what creates that connection may be very different for your husband than for you.

Although there are exceptions, we as women tend to try to create closeness by reaching out for a hug or touch, and a leisurely conversation over a meal. Due to the emotional and verbal connections in the female brain, we feel incredibly connected to our man when we talk with him and share life in a heart-to-heart way through conversation. Hence the reason for this recent article for men on the power of listening (Part 1 in the Sex and Conversation series).

But what if I told you that for most men (although again, there are exceptions), nothing makes a man feel closer to his wife than to share life in a heart-to-heart way through sex?

Let me tell you more.

A heart longing, not a selfish demand

Between television, steamy movie love scenes, and the conventional wisdom of your girlfriends at work, it is easy to think that “men only care about one thing.” And once we subconsciously believe that myth, his desire for sex can frankly come across as a primal, selfish demand. After all, with everything we have to handle as a wife and mom, sometimes physical intimacy can seem like just another thing to check off the “to do” list, right?

But there is so much more going on, deep in a man’s heart, that makes him reach out for you in that way. In most cases, the number one language for building a deeper connection with your husband is not spoken in words. It is shared through physical intimacy. During my research about men for For Women Only I was so surprised to learn that for most men, times of sexual intimacy are the main times when oxytocin, the “bonding hormone” is released. Those are the moments when he feels so incredibly close to you. That all-important connection is built.

Don’t get me wrong—we feel that connection and bonding during intimacy, too! But we can also feel that level of closeness (even if not the same type of closeness!) when he asks us to tell him all about something that is on our mind, and then really listens and engages in meaningful conversation.  

So sex is not just a physical thing for men. It is one of the main ways to his heart. And as a result, building closeness in this way delivers great benefits outside the bedroom too.

But for many of us, it means thinking about sex differently.

Being purposeful is an act of love and care

We think sex should be spontaneous. That’s what Hollywood shows, anyway. And yet as many wives have discovered, waiting for the right time for “spontaneous” sex often means it just doesn’t happen! So if we want to prioritize connection, we need to be purposeful.

Now, some wives (about 18% on our last survey) have a higher desire than their husbands—and if you are in that category, you are likely thinking about it anyway! But the rest of us may need to be much more intentional.

When I shared this with a group of women at a marriage conference, one approached me and said, “I’m struggling with a little bit of resentment about this. I get that intimacy is important, and I care about it too. But saying we need to be intentional makes it feel like this is yet one more thing I have to do in an already full day.”

I fully understood where she was coming from! It is easy to be resentful if you think of this as yet one more thing your hubby has put on your to-do list! But in the usual, non-abusive marriage, that is not the way he’s thinking about it—so it requires us taking a different view as well. I posed this question to that wife: “Do you want your husband to ask things like “How was your day?” Do you want him to reach out and engage in meaningful conversation with you even when he’s tired at the end of a long series of client meetings?”

When she indicated that yes, that did matter to her—and in fact, her husband did try to engage in that way—I said, “It’s very similar. Asking about a wife’s day and listening is not most men’s natural inclination. But it is something your husband tries to do, for one reason: because it matters to you! It isn’t one more thing you have put on his to-do list, right? It is something he tries to remember to do because he loves you.”

Ladies, because of how many of us are wired, sex may not be top of mind during a busy day. But if we are trying to fix a sense of distance or dissatisfaction, or create a bridge to our man, let’s see that foundational need and desire for connection that is in our man’s heart, and go straight to the one thing that will most build it with him.

Find Christ-focused wonder in the midst of everyday life no matter what your situation might be. Pick up a copy of Shaunti’s latest devotional, Find Joy, available in major bookstores.

Check out Shaunti’s latest book and Discussion Guide (co-authored with her husband, Jeff), Thriving in Love and Money. Because you need a better relationship, not just a better budget.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post Sex Creates A Powerful Connection With Your Man’s Heart appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

A Behind-The-Scenes Look: We’re Creating an Amazing New Resource!

Friends,

This has been such a strange and challenging season. The pandemic has brought us together as fellow warriors against COVID but at the same time it has impacted us all in different ways in our day-to-day lives. For us, that means most of our speaking engagements being canceled. Which means not just “how do we pay salaries and the mortgage?” but also “how do we reach people who would normally be coming to hear our talks in person? And read the books as a result?”

To us the answer was to move into something we had long wanted to do: provide online video content as well. There’s such a power in that format—we can cover additional detail and tell more stories and it can connect with you personally in a way that we simply can’t do through our books alone.

So I am thrilled to share that we are in the process of creating a robust body of video content—offering the surprising secrets and “aha moments” that help you thrive in life and relationships. Whether they are short videos, webinars, or online courses you can watch alone or with your spouse or small group, we’re hoping you’ll find these fun and helpful.  

Check out this video where I both tell you more about it and give you a behind-the-scenes peek at our new home studio where we’ll be creating our video content. I can’t wait for you to see it all!  

Come on in!

Find Christ-focused wonder in the midst of everyday life no matter what your situation might be. Pick up a copy of Shaunti’s latest devotional, Find Joy, available in major bookstores.

Check out Shaunti’s latest book and Discussion Guide (co-authored with her husband, Jeff), Thriving in Love and Money. Because you need a better relationship, not just a better budget.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post A Behind-The-Scenes Look: We’re Creating an Amazing New Resource! appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

The Sex & Conversation Series, Part 1: One Simple Sentence That Will Delight Your Wife

Picture for a moment a twentysomething woman who has recently fallen for a great guy. She can’t believe how amazing he is. Imagine her meeting a friend for coffee the next day and describing the sweet things this incredible guy said and did that made her feel special.

Can you picture that “I can’t believe how wonderful he is” look on her face? That delighted tone in her voice?

Well, that’s the exact look and tone I saw on the face of a friend recently, talking about her husband of 35 years, and one simple thing he did!

He is a normal, average guy, just like any other guy. . . so what action made him such a paragon in her eyes?

Here’s what happened:

My friend’s husband had just gotten home from work, and they were getting dinner ready. She mentioned a conversation she had had with a prickly co-worker that day, and he responded with a simple five-word sentence. She told me that hearing those five words felt so wonderful that she had to actually stop for a moment to take it in! She then gave him a big kiss and a heartfelt thank-you before continuing the conversation.

So what was the unexpected sentence?

“Tell me all about it.”

There it is; the magic bullet of a phrase that made my friend so incredibly happy. That turned her husband of 35 years into a hero – and turned her into the equivalent of a twentysomething young woman delightedly gushing over such a great guy.

When my friend mentioned the difficult co-worker, and her attempts to navigate such a tricky conversation, her husband simply said, “Tell me all about it.”

Here is what makes that such an incredibly powerful sentence for a wife to hear. We know from our research for For Men Only that most women greatly benefit from talking over their successes, joys, challenges, and fears with their husbands—in fact, they don’t just want that, they need it.

Saying “Tell me all about it” goes far beyond a willingness to receive your wife’s words if she wants to share them: It invites her to share.

For a woman, that invitation is priceless. It says that you’re not just going to patiently or grudgingly sit through the conversation, waiting for it to be over, with what she suspects is a silent sigh or inner eye roll. As long as you are ready to follow through and actually listen as she “tells all about it,” your invitation demonstrates that you actively care about what is going on in her life and in her heart.

In fact, guys, the closest equivalent to what she feels when you actively invite her to share verbally might be what you feel if she actively approaches you sexually. As one man told me, “Usually I feel like my wife is willing to have sex with me, which is fine. . . but what I really want is for her to want me. When she initiates, that’s what it says to me. She wants to connect. She truly cares. It’s a salve to my soul.”

So men, if you think about how loved you feel when your wife initiates sex, that may help you understand the deep delight she feels when you say you want to hear from her. Then the key is to follow through by listening to her story and inviting her to share all her feelings, rather than giving in to the temptation to cut her short by “solving the problem.” By inviting her to share her story and her feelings you are solving the problem!

A note for wives

OK, ladies—this post is targeted to men, but I need your listening ear for a moment. All of us need to keep two key things in mind here:

First, if your husband invites you to share with him, don’t take advantage of it and of him and unload every concern in your world at that moment. This is a sweet chance to connect with him, and I hope you’ll use your stellar ability to read facial and body language to know when he might be moving from “connection” to “overwhelmed.”

Most of the time, the story won’t be as long and involved as he might think. (Many men are worried that such an invitation to “tell me all about it” will mean listening for an extra hour, when in fact it probably means they will end up hearing what we would have told them anyway, without the invitation!) But even when it is longer and more involved than usual, you can make it less overwhelming by inserting beats and pauses. (“Hey babe, I know this is a long story—should we get dinner fixed, and then maybe I can finish what I was going to say in a few minutes?”)

Second, and most important, if your husband takes the risk and says, “tell me all about it,” do show how delighted he is making you. Give him a kiss and a hug and say “thank you.”

Both of those things will encourage him to try it again!

So guys, how about giving this sentence a test drive: “Tell me all about it.” Take it out for a spin. Then listen to her. See whether she responds with delight. I hope you’ll see the benefit of making it a new habit!

Read part 2 of The Sex & Conversation Series: Sex Creates A Powerful Connection With Your Man’s Heart

Find Christ-focused wonder in the midst of everyday life no matter what your situation might be. Pick up a copy of Shaunti’s latest devotional, Find Joy, available in major bookstores.

Check out Shaunti’s latest book and Discussion Guide (co-authored with her husband, Jeff), Thriving in Love and Money. Because you need a better relationship, not just a better budget.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post The Sex & Conversation Series, Part 1: One Simple Sentence That Will Delight Your Wife appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

One Simple Sentence That Will Delight Your Wife

Picture for a moment a twentysomething woman who has recently fallen for a great guy. She can’t believe how amazing he is. Imagine her meeting a friend for coffee the next day and describing the sweet things this incredible guy said and did that made her feel special.

Can you picture that “I can’t believe how wonderful he is” look on her face? That delighted tone in her voice?

Well, that’s the exact look and tone I saw on the face of a friend recently, talking about her husband of 35 years, and one simple thing he did!

He is a normal, average guy, just like any other guy. . . so what action made him such a paragon in her eyes?

Here’s what happened:

My friend’s husband had just gotten home from work, and they were getting dinner ready. She mentioned a conversation she had had with a prickly co-worker that day, and he responded with a simple five-word sentence. She told me that hearing those five words felt so wonderful that she had to actually stop for a moment to take it in! She then gave him a big kiss and a heartfelt thank-you before continuing the conversation.

So what was the unexpected sentence?

“Tell me all about it.”

There it is; the magic bullet of a phrase that made my friend so incredibly happy. That turned her husband of 35 years into a hero – and turned her into the equivalent of a twentysomething young woman delightedly gushing over such a great guy.

When my friend mentioned the difficult co-worker, and her attempts to navigate such a tricky conversation, her husband simply said, “Tell me all about it.”

Here is what makes that such an incredibly powerful sentence for a wife to hear. We know from our research for For Men Only that most women greatly benefit from talking over their successes, joys, challenges, and fears with their husbands—in fact, they don’t just want that, they need it.

Saying “Tell me all about it” goes far beyond a willingness to receive your wife’s words if she wants to share them: It invites her to share.

For a woman, that invitation is priceless. It says that you’re not just going to patiently or grudgingly sit through the conversation, waiting for it to be over, with what she suspects is a silent sigh or inner eye roll. As long as you are ready to follow through and actually listen as she “tells all about it,” your invitation demonstrates that you actively care about what is going on in her life and in her heart.

In fact, guys, the closest equivalent to what she feels when you actively invite her to share verbally might be what you feel if she actively approaches you sexually. As one man told me, “Usually I feel like my wife is willing to have sex with me, which is fine. . . but what I really want is for her to want me. When she initiates, that’s what it says to me. She wants to connect. She truly cares. It’s a salve to my soul.”

So men, if you think about how loved you feel when your wife initiates sex, that may help you understand the deep delight she feels when you say you want to hear from her. Then the key is to follow through by listening to her story and inviting her to share all her feelings, rather than giving in to the temptation to cut her short by “solving the problem.” By inviting her to share her story and her feelings you are solving the problem!

A note for wives

OK, ladies—this post is targeted to men, but I need your listening ear for a moment. All of us need to keep two key things in mind here:

First, if your husband invites you to share with him, don’t take advantage of it and of him and unload every concern in your world at that moment. This is a sweet chance to connect with him, and I hope you’ll use your stellar ability to read facial and body language to know when he might be moving from “connection” to “overwhelmed.”

Most of the time, the story won’t be as long and involved as he might think. (Many men are worried that such an invitation to “tell me all about it” will mean listening for an extra hour, when in fact it probably means they will end up hearing what we would have told them anyway, without the invitation!) But even when it is longer and more involved than usual, you can make it less overwhelming by inserting beats and pauses. (“Hey babe, I know this is a long story—should we get dinner fixed, and then maybe I can finish what I was going to say in a few minutes?”)

Second, and most important, if your husband takes the risk and says, “tell me all about it,” do show how delighted he is making you. Give him a kiss and a hug and say “thank you.”

Both of those things will encourage him to try it again!

So guys, how about giving this sentence a test drive: “Tell me all about it.” Take it out for a spin. Then listen to her. See whether she responds with delight. I hope you’ll see the benefit of making it a new habit!

Find Christ-focused wonder in the midst of everyday life no matter what your situation might be. Pick up a copy of Shaunti’s latest devotional, Find Joy, available in major bookstores.

Check out Shaunti’s latest book and Discussion Guide (co-authored with her husband, Jeff), Thriving in Love and Money. Because you need a better relationship, not just a better budget.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post One Simple Sentence That Will Delight Your Wife appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Your Time Is Worth Way More Than Money To Your Wife

Aaron and his wife Sophia had been saving up for a kitchen remodel, but unplanned expenses kept getting in the way. So when an after-school tutoring job opened up at the school where he taught, Aaron jumped at the opportunity. To announce his solution for completing their kitchen fund, he prepared a special dinner for Sophia—candlelight and all—and shared the “gift” of the new kitchen in a greeting card over dessert. She looked up, eyes wide, and asked how it was possible. He explained the side job and the extra income it would provide. Tears welled up in Sophia’s eyes—but they weren’t tears of happiness. “Honey,” she said, “I love that you are willing to take on extra work to make the new kitchen possible. But the time you spend with me and the kids after work is priceless to us!”

She said that while, yes, she would eventually like an updated kitchen, Aaron’s presence at home was way more important for their family right now. Aaron was taken by surprise. He couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t want to fast-track the project they had dreamed of for so long. He just wanted to make things better for the family, but she clearly had a different idea about how to accomplish that.

Husbands, can you relate? At one time or another you’ve probably felt the same way Aaron did. You’re trying to provide the best for your family, but your wife isn’t happy about the sacrifice that requires. So you’re caught between a rock and a hard place.

In our most recent book, Thriving in Love and Money: 5 Game-Changing Insights About Your Relationship, Your Money, and Yourself, Jeff and I talk about what is probably behind Sophia’s response—and what might be underneath your wife’s behavior. You see, what husbands are frequently working so hard to provide might not be what is really most valuable to their wife.

What Your Wife Wants Most is You

Take Sophia’s new kitchen. The idea of enjoying her passion for baking in a refreshed, more efficient space with room for seating so the family can hang out there . . . that’s a dream she has nurtured since they bought their fixer-upper.

And yes, when your wife is sharing her big-ticket ideas and desires—whether it’s about an updated kitchen, a cross-country road trip, or something else—she sure loves the idea. She, like Sophia, may even want to plan and save for it in the future. And it is wonderful that you want to provide that for her! But the reality of what it takes to get to that goal—at least right now—may not be worth it in her mind.

I know it may seem odd to you as a guy who wants to provide nice thingsfor your wife . . . but what she most wants is you. Your time, your presence, your availability to hang out with the kids and her. And if that dream of the new “stuff” means you’ll have to be gone lots of extra hours to pay for it, most women would trade off the “stuff” in a heartbeat.

In Sophia’s case, for example, although it was wonderful that Aaron wanted to provide the long-awaited new kitchen—and was willing to sacrifice to do it—she was thinking, But what good is a new kitchen if he has to be away so much that he can’t spend time in it? What good is having a nicer house if he is too overworked and exhausted to enjoy it with us?

Most Women Value Emotional Security Over Financial Security

See, guys, we love you first and foremost, and want you to enjoy life too!

You may not believe all this, but it really is true. In Thriving in Love and Money, Jeff and I share that most wives would gladly give up material things, dream vacations, the new kitchen, car or clothes, to have their man around more often. For women, their top security is emotional security. So Sophia—and perhaps your wife too—places a very high priority on making sure the marriage relationship is strong and the family is emotionally safe and secure. In fact, the need for that emotional security and closeness is so important that, in the research we’ve done, seven out of ten married women said they would even endure financial hardship, if that was what it took to ensure their husband was not gone all the time and the family was close.

Talk With Your Wife About Your Family’s Priorities

Aaron and Sophia would benefit from having a friendly, open conversation to engage in the kind of communication that is so important for couples to get on the same page financially. They could each share their perspective on what the priorities are for their family, what the best timeframe is for the kitchen remodel, and how they’re going to finish saving for it.

If you’re feeling overworked and underappreciated, why don’t you do the same thing? Maybe you—like Aaron—are willing to work extra hours for something that is nice but may not be the priority you thought it was. Or maybe you’re grimly sticking with a job you don’t really like, that takes you away from the family a lot, but you’re doing it to provide a nice standard of living. Talk with your wife about it. Be willing to hear her if she has been trying to express that she would gladly cut back on family expenses to have you take a more family-friendly job.

It is likely that, although you have been willing to exhaust yourself and sacrifice time with the family to provide nice things for them, what your wife really wants you to provide—what she truly, honestly wants from you . . . is time with you.

Are you reading Shaunti’s latest devotional, Find Joy? Please leave a book review on Amazon!

And check out her latest book (co-authored with her husband, Jeff), Thriving in Love and Money. Because you need a better relationship, not just a better budget.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

The post Your Time Is Worth Way More Than Money To Your Wife appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Commit to Your Marriage By Going “All-In”

We live in a “you do you” culture, where individuality is prized and independence is cultivated. But when too much independence is carried over into marriage, it can create walls between spouses. One of the common messages that’s out there (unfortunately) is that husbands and wives should keep a little piece of themselves private after they’re married.

That might mean maintaining a separate bank account that’s kept as a fallback “just in case.” Or having certain confidences that we don’t share with our spouse but discuss with a close friend or relative. Those assets, confidences, and activities that we keep private from our spouse might seem like a way to protect ourselves in case the marriage doesn’t work out.

But the happy couples I surveyed and interviewed for my book The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages took a totally different approach (and many of these findings were further validated and expanded in my recent book, Thriving in Love & Money!) They didn’t hold back from their spouses. They threw everything into the ring—their hearts, their wallets, and especially their hopes—by risking everything and choosing to believe that it would pay off.

Many of these couples had moved from being very troubled in their marriage to being very happy… and this particular secret was one of the biggest reasons why.

Be Open And Vulnerable With Your Spouse

The highly happy couples in our research literally removed the word “divorce” from their vocabularies. They took a deep breath and decided to not have their little secret stash of money on the side that their spouse did not know about. They gave each other full access to bank accounts, email accounts, computers, and telephones, hiding nothing. Sure, some couples did it a bit differently—for example, if one spouse had a gambling problem, they would get counsel about what financial boundaries to put in place—but otherwise they made themselves completely vulnerable to each other and took what felt like a huge risk of getting their heart broken or losing everything.

Eliminate The Self-Protective Actions That Undermine Your Marriage

Once they were “all in,” these couples found that the earlier actions they had been taking to “protect themselves” actually created the very problems they were trying to protect themselves from! With self-protection comes mistrust—if you’re holding things back from your spouse, you can’t help wondering what they might be holding back from you. On the flip side, openness and vulnerability build trust.

As one woman I interviewed said, “What is more foolish? Taking the risk to trust him and risking the small likelihood that your spouse will betray you? Or deciding that you’re not going to fully trust him and risking the almost certain likelihood that it will build a wall between you and undermine your marriage?”

Give Yourselves No Choice But To Work Things Out

One husband who had come very close to divorce told me, “Everything changed when we decided to lock ourselves in this marriage and throw away the key. Even if only one person decides to change the commitment level at first, it is amazing how much things change when you stop saying the ‘D-word’ and instead decide that as much as it depends on you, you truly are in it until death do you part. My wife started to refuse to listen when I would throw out the D-word… and pretty soon it was catching.”

He continued, “We decided that since there was no eject seat, we had to work this out. We had no other choice. It took a few years, but we are so happy today. We love being married. I wish everyone would realize the power of true commitment.”

When we make a total commitment to our spouse, without holding anything back, we end up getting so much more than we give. We get to truly do life as a team—partnered together, for life, no matter what. So go “all in” with your spouse. Commit totally. And watch your marriage thrive.

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This is a Club I Never Expected to Join

Hi friends,

This is one of those days when I have some personal news to share; information I wanted you to know before we got too far down the road. Three weeks ago, right before Christmas, I got the unexpected news that I have breast cancer.

Let me tell you: Those were words I never expected to hear or to write!

Thankfully, it was caught early, and in an era marked by amazing advancements in treatment. But I still spent the first few days with a feeling of unreality (“I have breast cancer?!”) and the last few weeks realizing just how much of a new world I’ve been thrust into—and how much time it all takes! I started out completely clueless about pretty much everything related to breast cancer, and there is an instant sense of being thrust into a sort of club—a group that has its own language, subculture, intense time requirements, knowledge base, specialties and fairly emotional decisions that must be made. Definitely a club I never expected to join.

I know that many of you have gone before me on this journey (either as part of your own story or with a loved one), and many who have navigated a much more serious situation than mine. And you know how overwhelming it can be! That said, I’ve been surprised and grateful to learn just how much support there is; seemingly every doctor along the way has a “nurse navigator” whose job it is to guide and listen and answer dozens and dozens of questions. (You can tell this is a field set up to work with patients who are mostly women!)

But of course, it is not just me who needs the support. As you can imagine, it has been hard and emotional for Jeff and our kids to hear that scary “c-word” as well, and to watch some of the challenging parts of the process. So beyond the medical support, we are grateful for the care of our family, friends, and amazing team.

What are the next steps?

As it stands now, although we need to still get a few test results back, we are anticipating that I’ll have surgery in a few weeks, and radiation in March.

The very good news is that this was caught early on a mammogram. In fact, it is pretty much an advertisement for why we’re supposed to GET mammograms! (This is where I will be like my friends Lysa TerKeurst and Jill Savage who have also walked this path and say: if you are over age 45, go get a mammogram!). And although there are always twists and turns in a journey like this, for now, the doctors are all very optimistic. I’m truly at peace about the long-term situation.

The area in which I am fighting a teeeeny bit of stress is wondering how much short-term disruption I have to go through to get there. Not just due to the time, pain, emotional, and financial implications of all things medical, but because I don’t want any disruption to our ministry!

I’m super grateful for some of the projects that are well underway (especially our next research project and book, and the upcoming launch of new online courses!), and the return of a bunch of in-person speaking engagements (outside, in a tent!) after a year of shutdowns  But adding this into the mix has presented some “interesting” challenges, so Jeff and I and our team are being very strategic about our project management. And so far so good . . . but let’s just say that we welcome your prayers that everything would keep rolling along!

What I have been reminding myself continuously for the last three weeks is that none of this—not the medical news, not the timing, not the needs that come along with it—is a surprise to our God. He is in control. And I’ve also felt God nudging me to look with fresh eyes at what I wrote in my latest devotional on finding joy in an uncertain world, especially about the wonder that comes from experiencing the closeness of our heavenly Father when all you can do is trust Him! (Um, yeah, I had no idea how much I would need that message myself in a whole new way.)

So we would appreciate your prayers.

And in case you are wondering: for the next few months, we fully intend to keep rolling as normal with blogs and updates on our research (and our new videos!). We will only add updates on this breast cancer journey when there is something important to report. But our standing prayer requests are these: For healing; for wisdom for the doctors; for peace and guidance for me, the family and our team; for continued provision and minimal disruption to the work of the ministry; and that we and others would trust God and see His goodness and care through all of it.

With appreciation for all of you,

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How To Tame Your Temper When You’re About To Lose It

Over the past year most of us have been dealing with stressful circumstances in the close quarters of our own homes. (Quarantine cabin fever, anyone?) Add in the everyday common irritations of life and we can easily create a simmer that sometimes boils over into anger. Which can result in us saying things we really don’t mean to people we really do care about.

In my research I’ve found that when we are angry with a friend or family member, most of us handle it wrong. And following our instincts isn’t usually the best choice. So let’s review what those instincts might be, and consider some better options.

When you feel your temperature rising, here’s how you can handle it without losing your cool.

Realize That Venting Is Only Going To Make Things Worse

Most of us have bought into the myth that venting is OK, or even healthy—that letting a little steam out of the kettle now prevents it from exploding later. And spending a few minutes venting to or about your spouse, child or boss sure does feel satisfying when we have steam coming out of our ears. But there’s a problem—it turns out that venting actually hurts instead of helps.

Neuroscientists such as Dr. Brad Bushman at Ohio State have discovered that expressing the anger we feel further activates an interconnected anger system in the brain and only makes the kettle boil that much more. So while we certainly can express anger any time we want to, the question is whether we should if we want to keep our temper in check and preserve a relationship, a job, or our sanity.

Instead Of Letting Off Steam, Remove Yourself From The Heat 

If we’re at the boiling point and don’t want to be, the researchers suggest the equivalent of putting the lid on tight and removing the pot from the heat. When we decide to be calm, it is the equivalent of smothering the anger and denying it the oxygen it needs in order to burn. When we remove or distract ourselves from whatever is making us mad, we find our anger cooling off until, in many cases, we’re simply not angry anymore.

So when you’re beyond annoyed that the boss is making everyone work late again tonight, instead of venting over lunch with your co-worker and creating a list of additional grievances together, calmly say, “It sure is frustrating. So about these quarterly numbers…” And if the other person persists in venting, feeding your negative emotions, go back to your cube and force yourself to think about something else. Like the project you were working on. Or your upcoming vacation.

(A hint for husbands or boyfriends: given what we discovered in our research about how women are wired, if you have to remove yourself from an emotional conflict, be sure to reassure your wife or girlfriend that you two are okay and you’ll be able to talk about it later. That gives her the assurance of your love she needs to give you space without simmering and wanting to vent herself.)

Pause Before You Speak

So how do you manage to communicate calmly to your coworker (or spouse, or in-laws…) in the midst of your anger? Here’s the answer: force yourself to pause for a few seconds before you reply. That pause allows your will to catch up with your roiling emotions, so you can choose your words well. More important, if you’re a person of faith, it also gives God a chance to touch your heart and steer your reply before you forge ahead with guns blazing and cause casualties you’ll regret later.

So when you’re worried about your son’s progress in school and turn seven shades of upset because your husband didn’t agree to hire a tutor to help him, force yourself to pause and get your thoughts together before you speak. Think before you speak is one of the earliest lessons we teach our kids, and yet sometimes we forget it as adults. We need to relearn that skill, especially when it comes to those relationships that are most important to us.

Apologize When Needed

Since we won’t always get it right, despite these strategies, we also need to practice offering apologies each and every time they are needed. “I’m sorry, honey. I know you care about Billy, and I shouldn’t have implied that you don’t. Will you forgive me?” You don’t need to necessarily agree (“Maybe this weekend, we could talk more specifically about why I think a tutor is so important, and how we can get the money to pay for it”), but you do need to apologize.

Apologies are important because our research with the happiest relationships found that we need to keep short accounts, be willing to make up, and always ask for forgiveness when we have wronged someone else—regardless of whether they have wronged us too. But also: when we know we’re going to have to apologize if we let our temper run away with us, we’ll be far less likely to do it!

So the next time you feel anger rising inside, try these strategies: refrain from venting, remove yourself from the conflict, pause before speaking, and apologize when it’s warranted. Instead of blindly following your emotion-driven instincts, take the time and make the effort to choose your response. Your relationships—and your own well-being—will be the better for it.

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