Shaunti Feldhahn's Blog, page 77
August 6, 2014
Highlights from She Speaks
Highlights from She Speaks
Shaunti and Crystal
I ran into Crystal Paine, otherwise known as the Money Saving Mom, walking through the halls on Thursday night – Crystal was there as an attendee with girl friends instead of speaking. She has been another MomLife Today blogger, and I have loved spending a little time with her here and there. She is so adorable – and has a huuuuge following!
My workshop — “Not Just My Opinion: Instant Credibility Through Simple Research” – was well attended, with around 100 women. It was the first time I have ever been invited to share on the topic of why to incorporate research into your writing and speaking, and how. Very fun! It ended with a Q & A that lasted well past the end time for the workshop.
My talk to the writers’ track was packed with at least a dozen women sitting on the floor along the walls because all the chairs were full – probably about 400 people. I enjoyed sharing my own personal story about how I started writing, to illustrate that when God wants to accomplish something … He will do amazing things to make it happen! Loved using a drawing that my 14-year-old daughter did to illustrate what I was sharing.
There were about 800 attendees and around 90 SheSpeaks staffers and volunteers to make everything run smoothly – and it really did. They had a PACKED schedule of workshops and speakers: I loved hearing from Lysa TerKeurst, Christine Caine and Renee Swope. In particular, Christine Caine’s talk powerfully impacted me and it felt like she was speaking directly to me. Some very important points about constantly remembering that any ministry God has given you is about His glory, not YOURS, and not to be impatient when things don’t happen on your timetable.Referring to David tending sheep before being plucked out and anointed as the next king by Samuel, as an example of how we might FEEL overlooked and underutilized, right now, but …. “If He has assigned you, he will find you.”
Another really cool thing is that there were about 15 publisher guests who were taking appointments and talking with the writers! One woman who had attended my research workshop was particularly sharp and really seemed to ‘get’ how to make her proposed book research-based… and the next day she told me she had offers from TWO of the publishers there to publisher her book! I was so thrilled for her!
And finally, lots and lots of women came by the table to tell me how the For Women Only and For Men Only books positively impacted their own marriages – words like, “saved my marriage” and “this helped me talk to my friend about her marriage” and “we give your books away by the dozen to young folks getting married.” Wow. Such an encouragement! I was so honored to hear those stories.
The most amazing thing about She Speaks though, was something bigger than all of that: it was the ever-present sense that this was a special place for nurturing those who feel God has an important message for them to share. This wasn’t a group of ‘oh I blog and tweet every now and then’ women. These women feel CALLED, strongly, to this area of ministry of writing and/or speaking, and it was very, very special for me to be a part of encouraging them in their journey. I very rarely have a chance to talk about my own story of how God supernaturally propelled me into writing my first book, but I knew it would encourage these women to see how God moves to make things happen, and what great things happen when you watch what He is doing and go join Him. Such a great chance to remind MYSELF of that, too.
I’ve been so busy on my next book deadline I haven’t had a chance to post this, but it was such a special experience I didn’t want to NOT give a recap. So here were my highlights!
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August 5, 2014
Writer Wanted!
We are looking for a writer who can embody Shaunti’s voice through both original pieces and re-purposing of existing content. Do you meet deadlines in a timely fashion? Listen to constructive criticism and suggestions without taking offense? Have a passion for Shaunti’s work to improve relationships by explaining the little things that make a big difference? Send us an email to cniziol@shaunti.com and see if you can join our team.
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August 4, 2014
Marriage Mondays with Shaunti Feldhahn: Encourage Your Wife to Resolve Her Worries
Welcome to Marriage Mondays! Each Monday, join us here in the Book Corner as I share my top findings on the little, eye-opening things that make a big difference in creating great marriages and relationships. Today’s post is one of a series on the surprising truths that men and women tend not to know about each other–and which change everything once we do.
From the Christian Post Book Corner
Marriage Monday Tip Of The Day from Shaunti Feldhahn
August 4, 2014
Marriage Mondays with Shaunti Feldhahn: Encourage Your Wife to Resolve Her Worries
Tip #24: Men, instead of saying “Just don’t let it bother you” encourage your wife’s actions to resolve what is worrying her.
Husbands, imagine this scene: all week your wife has been a bit preoccupied and upset about something going on with her relationship with her mom. You have listened to her, encouraged her, she has talked it through more than once, and you’ve encouraged her to set the worry aside… but the same topic keeps coming up! Where do you go from here?
My husband Jeff and I often hear similar scenarios from puzzled (and, let’s be honest, frustrated) men at our events. They listen, they’re supportive, and to their knowledge they do everything right, but their wife keeps bringing up the same issue. So at that point, the guys offer some advice to their troubled bride that would be helpful to them in the same situation: “Honey, just don’t think about it.” Guys, you mean well but you need to know something: she has no clue what you’re talking about!
Here’s a key fact about how the female brain is wired: she can’t not think about it. Your own remarkable brain wiring allows you to just click off something that is bothering you. We women…. not so much. In my surveys for For Men Only, almost nine out of ten women said they couldn’t just set aside the thoughts that bother them.
If you’ve ever had ten tabs open and active in your Internet browser, or have bounced back and forth between ten open windows on your computer screen, you know what a woman’s inner life is like all the time: there are ten topics “out there” and competing for your attention to some degree.
And my husband always gets himself in trouble when he says this, but as he explains delicately to men, “And it’s almost as if her system is infected with a virus or something, because in addition to the ten windows that she’s working on, a window that she really doesn’t want keeps popping up on the screen of her mind.”
Like that frustration with her mother.
Or whether little Suzi’s fever has gotten worse while you’ve been out on your dinner date.
Or…um… how you keep telling her you’ll fix the kitchen cabinets but never do.
Just sayin’.
So if the same issue keeps bubbling to the surface, it’s because, in her mind, the underlying problem hasn’t been solved yet. Most women said they couldn’t close the window until the issue is resolved. So it works wonders to ask, “Would it make you feel better if you called the babysitter to ask her to take Suzi’s temperature again?” instead of getting frustrated that she can’t just set it aside for an hour.
Of course, that’s a fairly easy one. The emotional things are more dicey. So if your wife keeps talking about her relationship with her mom, realize it’s an open window that’s popping up and bothering her. Make sure (very important) you have already sympathized and acknowledged her feelings (if you haven’t, that needs to be your first step). Then ask if she would feel better if she did something about it. That then gives you entrée to ask, “Since we’re going to your family’s house for Easter anyway, would it help if you went a day earlier than me and the kids, just to have some one-on-one time with your mom?”
Then, help make it happen. Instead of her feeling a bit foolish that she can’t just set her worry aside, it will melt her heart as she sees that you’re not only willing to listen to her heart, but you’re encouraging her to take the action she needs to resolve the issue once and for all.
Join us next Monday for the next in our Marriage Monday series, as we talk about a secret about men that women need to know.
Drawn from Chapter 3 of For Men Only, by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn.
Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and her newest, The Good News About Marriage. A Harvard-trained social researcher and speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Shaunti speaks regularly at churches, conferences, and corporate events. (Inquire about Shaunti speaking, or visit www.shaunti.com for more.)
Image credit: “Waiting” by Anna Gutermuth is licensed under CC BY 2.0.
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July 31, 2014
I’ve been BUSTED!
I think I just got a signal that I have to work on my approach to people during my book deadlines.
You see, I’m in the middle of a deadline on a co-authored book that I’m writing with Craig Gross, founder of xxxchurch.com, and I’m WAY behind due to successfully having lots of “mom time” and not spending as many hours on “author time” this summer. So now I have to pay the piper. I only have a few precious weeks here to catch back up and meet my book deadline. Jeff has stepped up to handle a bunch of kid stuff for the next few weeks, and I let my staff know that I was going to have to go into “cave mode” to get everything done on time.
What I hadn’t realized was that maaaaybe the impact of trying to race and catch back up tends to, um, cancel out the benefit of all that sweet one-on-one engagement I’ve had with people in the months before.
I’ve always wondered what it must look like to my family when I’m feeling pursued by a rapidly-approaching deadline… and apparently the answer is: about as well as someone being pursued by ravenous lions.
My husband had met a woman in a ministry organization who had ministered to a mutual friend of ours. I’ll call her Staci. Staci wanted to connect with me for some help in an area of her ministry. And she was also going to come by our house to pick up some books as well. Jeff forwarded me an email from her asking ‘is tomorrow okay?’ and I happened to glance down further in the email string. Here’s what I saw:
Jeff: Tomorrow morning is great—after rush hour. Shaunti will be here, and I’d love for you to meet her. She might have a crazed look in her eyes though—I’ve seen it before during book deadlines. So if we could try and schedule a time to connect more fully after Aug. 15, that might be best—especially for getting her undivided attention. I’d love to take a look at your stuff—and Shaunti will too, after her deadline. Anything we can do to help, we will. We both feel a debt to you for caring so well for our friend after she had been so hurt.
Staci: Great! I’ll text before I head that way in the morning. I totally understand crazed looks….had a few myself over the last few months!It’ll make me feel right at home!
So… my husband felt a bit “busted” that I had seen his comment… but we know who was really busted in all of this, don’t we? Yes, that would be the big bulls-eye on my forehead!
Would sure appreciate your prayers that I can find a way to respond in grace and with full attention to people… even when I’m on a book deadline!
Image credit: “no words” by Amancay Maahs is licensed under CC BY 2.0.
The post I’ve been BUSTED! appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.
July 28, 2014
Marriage Mondays with Shaunti Feldhahn: Get in Over Your Head
Welcome to Marriage Mondays! Each Monday, join us here in the Book Corner as I share my top findings on the little, eye-opening things that make a big difference in creating great marriages and relationships. Today’s post is one of a series on the surprising truths that men and women tend not to know about each other–and which change everything once we do.
From the Christian Post Book Corner
Marriage Monday Tip Of The Day from Shaunti Feldhahn
July 28, 2014
Marriage Mondays with Shaunti Feldhahn: Get in Over Your Head
Tip #23: Get in Over Your Head
Man, our culture doesn’t always make it easy to stay married, does it? One of the most bogus messages we hear about marriage is that husbands and wives should keep a little piece of themselves private. You know, like feelings you keep from your mate but share with some other friend. Or a secret bank account where you keep a little stash on the side “just in case.”
But the highly happy couples I surveyed and interviewed weren’t buying it. They threw everything into the ring – their hearts, their wallets, and especially their hopes –risking everything and deciding to believe that it would pay off. Many of these couples had moved from being very troubled in their marriage to very happy… and this particular secret was one of the most important reasons why.
They literally removed the word “divorce” from their vocabularies. They took a deep breath and decided to not have their little stash of money on the side. They gave each other full access to bank accounts, email accounts, computers, and telephones, hiding nothing. Sure, some couples did it a bit differently – for example, if one spouse had a gambling problem, they would get counsel about what financial boundaries to put in place – but otherwise they made themselves completely vulnerable to each other and took what felt like a huge risk of getting their heart broken or losing everything.
And once they were “all in,” they found that the earlier actions they had been taking to “protect themselves” actually created the very problems they were trying to protect themselves against!
As one woman I interviewed said, “What is more foolish? Taking the risk to trust him and risking the small likelihood that your spouse will betray you? Or deciding that you’re not going to fully trust him and risking the almost certain likelihood that it will build a wall between you and undermine your marriage?”
One husband who had come very close to divorce told me, “Everything changed when we decided to lock ourselves in this marriage and throw away the key. Even if only one person decides to change the commitment level at first, It is amazing how much things change when you stop saying the ‘D-word’ and instead decide that as much as it depends on you, you truly are in it until death do you part. My wife started to refuse to listen when I would throw out the D-word… and pretty soon it was catching.”
He continued, “We decided that since there was no eject seat, we had to work this out. We had no other choice. It took a few years, but we are so happy today. We love being married. I wish everyone would realize the power of true commitment.”
When it comes to marriage, you truly get what you give. We get so much more when we give our spouses our all and decide that we are going to be all in no matter what.
Join us next week as we help men understand the female brain’s constant open windows – and what to do about them.
From Chapter 12 of The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, by Shaunti Feldhahn.
Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and her newest, The Good News About Marriage. A Harvard-trained social researcher and speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Shaunti speaks regularly at churches, conferences, and corporate events. (Inquire about Shaunti speaking, or visit www.shaunti.com for more.)
Image credit: “Scuba Cozumel Mexico 2009 02 03_Al’s Photos” by .
