Shaunti Feldhahn's Blog, page 29

When You Tease Your Husband, It’s Really No Joke

I recently heard from a newlywed who was already experiencing some bumps in her marriage. Marnie and her husband Nate had gone on a ski weekend with her family that went far from smoothly. Marnie had grown up skiing, so she and her siblings couldn’t wait to get out on the advanced slopes. But Nate had never skied before. Marnie couldn’t help laughing at the sight of his unsteady legs, flailing arms and frequent wipe-outs. She told him skiing probably just wasn’t his thing and suggested that he hang out by the fire and relax with a cup of cocoa so he didn’t end up with a broken leg—or worse. At dinner that evening, she laughingly described to her family the comical sight of his bumbling efforts on the slope. Instead of laughing along, he seemed like he was really hurt.

Marnie couldn’t figure out what was wrong. When they got married they had promised to be totally honest with each other. She felt like she was just saving Nate from a lot of frustration trying to do something he clearly wasn’t gifted at. But she noticed that he was quiet and withdrawn for the rest of the weekend.

Have you ever been in a similar situation, where you teased your husband over something he tried that didn’t come easily—all in good fun, or so you thought—and it backfired, with him getting hurt or even angry?

Here’s why your husband might have gotten upset like Marnie’s did, and what you can learn from the example of highly happy couples to prevent it from happening again.

Put Yourself In Your Husband’s Shoes To Understand His Feelings

Marnie needed to put herself in her husband’s ski boots and appreciate how hard he tried, and how much he risked, to be part of her family’s skiing world. She needed to tell him how sorry she was for being so hurtful and ask his forgiveness. Maybe that’s what you need to do, too!

How would you (or Marnie) feel if you worked really hard on something emotionally difficult for you—like losing ten pounds to fit into a special dress—and when your husband saw you in the dress, he took one look, laughed uproariously, and said you really weren’t built for that style? And he did this in front of your friends at a dinner party.

It is so easy in marriage to take our spouse and intimacy for granted. We subconsciously think since we’re married we don’t have to be polite to each other. It is easy to assume that—but it’s poisonous to the relationship. In research I have done with really happy couples, I have noticed something quite different: a high degree of kindness.

Happy Couples Are Respectful Of Each Other In Public And In Private

In my research I learned that highly happy couples would certainly be transparent and share the “real deal” with each other . . . they would joke around . . . they would share things that needed to be said. But that is also when they were the most careful to not do it in a way that their mate would perceive as hurtful.

I hear the term “brutal honesty” thrown around a lot when I interview people—people say “you have to be able to be brutally honest in marriage.” But you know what? I have never heard those words from the highly happy husbands and wives. They’re respectful of each other in public and in private. They are very aware that those times when you need to be “honest” are the times you need to be most careful not to hurt the feelings of the person who means the most to you. Kindness, for them, is a way of life.

Encourage Your Man

The sad truth is, the spouses I talked to who had a “tell it like it is,” or “take it or leave it” attitude about how they come across to their spouses were those most likely to feel insecure in their marriage and emotionally “unsafe” at home. And, not surprisingly, so did their spouses.

So what should Marnie have done, and what should you do in a similar situation? Bite your tongue, pinch yourself—do whatever it takes to keep from laughing. And don’t re-enact your man’s foibles or share them as funny stories. Extend an extra measure of kindness in situations where he is vulnerable and is truly trying. Tell your husband (and yourself!) how you appreciate that he loves you so much that he’s willing to go outside his comfort zone for you.

Give Him Time To Get Over It

If you’ve really hurt your husband’s feelings, you probably have some work to do to be trustworthy with his feelings again. You will have to prove that you care about not hurting him. Don’t get impatient with him if it takes some time for him to open up to you again. And find ways to affirm him in all the things he is good at, to take away the sting of his awareness of his foibles and failures. As long as he sees that you “get” why he was hurt—and that you’re trying your best to never do it again—your marriage will be stronger for it in the end.

A few weeks after the disastrous family trip, Marnie and Nate went on their own ski weekend. Nate had accepted Marnie’s apology and was willing to give it another try. He took a few lessons, then they spent some time on the bunny slope together. Nate did a lot better on the slopes, Marnie cheered him on enthusiastically, and they both ended up having a great time.

They’re well on their way to being one of those highly happy couples. And by treating each other with unwavering respect and support, you and your spouse can be too.

Are you enjoying Shaunti’s latest devotional, Find Joy? Please leave a book review on Amazon!

And check out her latest book (co-authored with her husband, Jeff), Thriving in Love and Money. Because you need a better relationship, not just a better budget.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post When You Tease Your Husband, It’s Really No Joke appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Here Are The 10 Most Popular Blog Posts From 2020

Now that we’re looking at 2020 in the rear-view mirror (phew!), it’s a great time to share our most popular posts for the year. Some of the top posts were targeted to a particular time in an unprecedented year. But most were designed to help you thrive amid the challenges and experiences of everyday life, offering the surprising secrets and “aha moments” that can change a life or a relationship anytime, for the better—and for good.

If you missed any of these posts the first time around, here is your chance to get caught up! And if you did read them when they first came out, this is your opportunity to enjoy a refresher.

So (drum roll, please)… here are 2020’s ten most popular posts!

#10 The Election Probably Won’t Be Over on November 3 (and How Churches Can Respond)—PART 1

#9 The Emerge Stronger Series: Get Emotionally Close While Being Physically Close

#8 Why Does What I Buy Make My Husband So Upset?

#7 Happy Independence Day? Surprising Ways to More Intimacy (Part 1 of the Unity Series)

#6 This is What Makes Your Man Vulnerable—Be Aware and Take Care!

#5 Start the 30-Day Kindness Challenge Today and Give Your Valentine the Best Gift Ever

#4 Why I’m Thankful I Have COVID-19

#3 Mourning in Our Ministry: The Amazing Life of Naomi Duncan

#2 Mystery Solved: 3 Things You Never Understood About How Your Wife Thinks

#1 4 Ways to Make Your Child’s Day

And looking ahead in this New Year—some ground-breaking projects are planned for 2021! I’m so excited to continue sharing our cutting-edge research findings and resources to help you thrive in life and relationships. Stay tuned!

Are you enjoying Shaunti’s latest devotional, Find Joy? Please leave a book review on Amazon!

And check out her latest book (co-authored with her husband, Jeff), Thriving in Love and Money. Because you need a better relationship, not just a better budget.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post Here Are The 10 Most Popular Blog Posts From 2020 appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

When There is Still Good to be Found in 2020

Well, friends, the finish line is in sight and we’re about to break the tape. We are this close to completing the tumultuous year of 2020. But before we cross the finish line, swap high fives, and step into the fresh new year of 2021, let’s take a few minutes to look back and count our 2020 blessings. Yes, 2020 has gotten a reputation as the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad year. But there were blessings. Because no matter how challenging a season of life (or a pandemic year) might be, there is always, always something to be thankful for.

So my staff and I would like to finish out the year by sharing a 2020 gratitude list. As you read it, you may find some things that resonate with you—that echo back God’s faithfulness and provision in your 2020. The specific details might be different, but we all share common threads of life experience. And a year like this helps us all appreciate and hold tight to what is really most important in life: relationships, experiences, opportunities, simple pleasures.

As we close the door on this year, take a pause and reflect. What’s on your 2020 gratitude list?

Eileen—Partner Manager & Executive Assistant

I am grateful for teachers and coaches that use their talents to cause growth in my teenagers. I am thankful for the times they go way above and beyond what is expected to show my kids the love of God and bring out the best in them.I am grateful for the diversity among my friends. I am truly blessed with friends of all ages and life stages that speak into my life. I am glad I have friends that think like me and encourage me to grow. I also have friends that are completely different than I am in so many ways, that offer a perspective I would not otherwise be able to see.I am grateful for my family. My husband is a loving father, a devoted husband, and a great provider. My son works hard and makes me smile every day. My daughter shines bright the light that is within her and embodies the joy of the Lord.

Katie—Senior Writer and Editor

I am grateful for the opportunity to publish several children’s books this year and to have a few on the horizon for 2021. It’s been a dream come true and my heart can barely contain the glee I feel in doing this work. God has humbled me in the way these books are being used and I am so very thankful to be able to serve Him in this way.I am grateful for the many different people I work with on a daily basis—what absolute gifts to be surrounded by kind, generous, Jesus-loving creatives.I am grateful for this time with my family—specifically my husband. Despite having our large (and BIG PERSONALITY) family home for most of the year, he and I have had such a sweet season of laughter and fun together. I will forever remember this time as a blessing to my marriage.

Charlyn—Staff & Operations Director

I am thankful for Shaunti & Jeff and their willingness to take that right-hand turn and become social researchers. The truths you uncover are truly aha moments and relationship changing. They have changed mine, and countless others. Thank you.I am thankful for 2020. Between the shut-downs, the work pivots, virtual school for my sons, the unexpected loss of our dear friend, Naomi—an amazing girl whose hero is Jesus—and so much more, it has been hard. But through that hard, I have been reminded of God’s sovereignty. I have seen many ways in which the path was being prepared. I have seen ways in which the seeds planted years ago have been nurtured to grow—even in this seemingly desolate ground of 2020. I have had a glimpse of what it really means to “count it ALL joy…” We have slowed down and appreciated more. We have grieved, but we have also loved more. We have seen reminders that He is with us—through double rainbows, new schools, a neighborhood Bible study, a great team, and so much more.

Debbie—Digital Marketing & Content Manager

I’m grateful for God’s sovereignty. In a topsy-turvy world, it’s reassuring to know He really is in control and has a plan.I’m grateful for family, particularly that we have good relationships, we enjoy each other’s company, and we all have a measure of good health. We’ve grown stronger amidst many challenges this year, and I thank God for that.Humor! There’s nothing like a great laugh to spark joy. We can all unite around something funny, and laughter is like good medicine for the soul.

Laura—Partner Manager

I’m grateful for new opportunities. After several years of being a full-time, stay-at-home-mom, I’m enjoying dusting off some skills in a part-time role on Shaunti’s team!I’m grateful for my community. Being surrounded by diverse people who genuinely care and support one another is a blessing and adds great depth and joy to life.I am genuinely grateful for the obvious—family that seeks to love, laugh and serve together, and good health in the midst of great uncertainty.

Suzanne—Digital Content Associate

I’m grateful for God’s protection and provision for me and my family this year.I’m grateful that my daughter was able to have her high school graduation and had a good first semester college experience this fall.I’m grateful for friends and family who made all the time at home bearable by checking in, sending memes, and helping me keep my perspective.I’m grateful for God’s simple reminders this year that He’s in control, that His presence and power are available everywhere, and that He is working all things together for our good and His glory.I’m grateful for music that inspires, comforts, and brings me joy.I’m grateful for simple beauty expressed through God’s creation.

Beth—Blog Manager

I’m thankful for the people who are the greatest blessings in my life: my husband (who is also my best friend), family, friends, church, colleagues and community.I’m grateful for seasons of life and a new chapter in 2020 in a new home and new town—cherishing the old, embracing the new, and pressing forward into what lies ahead with anticipation and joy.Over this shutdown year, I’ve been thankful for technology. While there’s nothing like connecting in person, I’m grateful to be just a text, phone call, email, post, or video chat away from people who are dear to me!

Shaunti

Most important this year, I am SO thankful that after my father passed away, my mother was able to move into a retirement community this March and get settled in just as everything shut down! It has been a relief to know that she is probably safer there than anywhere else. And a joy to see that even with their restrictions, she has been building a community of new friends.I am thankful we got through our bout with COVID in time to put the Christmas decorations up in mid-December, so we still had a few weeks to enjoy them! Seeing the Christmas tree and the lights makes me happy every time I walk into our living room, and every time I look outside at night.I’m grateful that the flip side of the pandemic isolation (virtual school, missing friends, cancelled events) that our family was able to grow very close through all our time together! Years from now, we won’t remember how hard it was to learn Pre-Calculus online . . . but will still be drawing on the closeness we have built as a family.

Wishing you a New Year filled with simple pleasures, new adventures, love and joy,

The post When There is Still Good to be Found in 2020 appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

A Weary, Weary World Rejoices

A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices,
For yonder breaks, a new and glorious morn.
Fall on your knees; O hear the angel voices!
O night divine, O night when Christ was born!

Tonight, we are reminded that no pandemic, no economic crisis, no stressful #2020 craziness can ever change or compete with the breathtaking fact of Jesus.

Tonight, all over our weary world, people of every age, every color, every social status are coming before that baby in the manger. Perhaps looking for comfort, peace, answers, provision, healing or a better world in 2021 – or perhaps they are simply bowing in worship and thanksgiving. Maybe it is all of the above. But they are all coming before Him.

We are all coming before Him.

Just stop and really picture that for a moment in your mind’s eye. Set down your baking cookbook and your end-of-year financial logs and capture that image. Picture the fields and cottages of rural China. The penthouses of New York. The crowded apartments of Kiev. The factory towns of middle America. The multi-generational homes of Nigeria, Brazil, and Armenia. Even the private spaces of a starving, isolated, North Korea. And in all of them, the world is hushed, the surface things of life have fallen away, and all are bowing in reverence.

Some might wonder why. Why this devotion to a child born 2,000 years ago?

One word captures it all. Emmanuel. “God with us.”

Have any of us truly understood what that really means? It isn’t about a sky suddenly filled with the heavenly host – as thrilling as that image is! It isn’t about a star miraculously guiding wise men to a baby. It is about the fact that Jesus came from heaven to live as one of us, and thus be at risk of every single thing that saddens and stresses out each one of us. He intimately understands what it is to be at risk of sickness, hunger, temptation, poverty, betrayal. And yet unlike us, He made all the right choices and stayed in constant connection with the Father – even bowing His knee to a painful death so that those who accept His love will forever avoid death and separation.

That truth should always, constantly, permanently, shift us away from an earthly focus on our problems here and now, and onto an eternal perspective.

But it doesn’t. It is far too easy to get focused on those inevitable problems, irritations and heartaches. We need something to interrupt “real life” and remind us of what is actually Real Life.

Most of us, this year, are far more aware of our utter need for God than ever before. Like no other in living memory, the year 2020 has woken us up to the reality that our feeling of stability and control is an illusion.

So let us come before the baby in the manger, friends. Let us join with our brothers and sisters around the world in worship.

And then when “real life” tries to intrude, let us keep our eyes firmly fixed on Jesus, and remind each other – and ourselves – that this Jesus points to the only Reality that really matters.

(The images in this blog and on social media were adapted and created by my engineer-artist daughter, Morgen. If you don’t already regularly receive my blogs and want to, please sign up here. Merry Christmas!)

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These Holiday Gifts Are The Most Valuable To The People You Love

You’ve made your list, you’re checking it twice, and the total comes out to a really high price! Yes, Christmas is the season of giving—but between family, friends, co-workers and neighbors, the shopping list keeps getting longer and longer. And for most of us, 2020 hasn’t exactly been a banner financial year. There has to be another way!

Well, I have an alternative to share. And it isn’t even a compromise or “second best.” It’s about giving gifts that are much more valuable than things—in fact, these gifts are priceless. Instead of spending your time and money getting people more stuff, plan to give something a little more personal, much less expensive, and powerfully transforming this year.

When I did a comprehensive study on kindness for The Kindness Challenge, I discovered that giving or sharing something that’s precious to you is an especially powerful way of showing someone that you care. So, this Christmas, consider giving these three gifts that make a positive difference in any relationship—during the holiday season and beyond.

Gift #1: Time 

The first gift on the list is time. We are all busy. So giving someone your time powerfully communicates respect, value, and affection for that person.

This year it’s particularly important to distinguish between quantity and quality time. Many of us have been cooped up together with our immediate family for really long periods of time. But your loved one will benefit from your gift of focused quality time together. So that means no work, no school, no distracted texting or social media scrolling. Plan a special activity doing something they will enjoy.

Here are some specific suggestions:

For spouses, if you want this to be an actual “I spent money on you” gift, show them you want to spend time with them by arranging to share a special concert or show that they have been wanting to see. (We might think the pandemic has shut down these opportunities, but more and more organizations are offering live-stream experiences. It may require some creativity and research, but it is still possible!) So many people in the research have mentioned that a shared experience-related gift is special because it says, “I know you, what you care about … and I want to spend time with you.” At this time when budgets are tight for many of us, a coupon book of walks, take-out dates, or watching a free “armchair travel” tour demonstrates the same kind of love.

What about other ideas—including for other relationships, like family members, friends, or co-workers? A powerful gift of time could be as simple as setting aside time to listen to problems or offer advice. It could mean turning completely away from your computer when your daughter comes into your home office and wonders when you can watch How the Grinch Stole Christmas with her, or your son asks when you could play the new Playstation game with him. When you save what is on your screen, and say “What about now?” that is a very crucial message to your child (or spouse) that in the middle of your time crunch, you are prioritizing them.

The couples I studied for The Kindness Challenge practiced this gift of time by rearranging their schedule to be more available for their spouse. And the impact was huge. In fact, for those who prioritized being more available to their partners, 84 percent reported being happy in marriage.

Women especially value time. In my book For Men Only, my research found 70 percent of married women essentially said they would give up financial security for more time with their husbands. Ultimately, a husband spending quality, focused time with his family might be the best gift he could give during any season.

Gift #2: A Sacrifice of Comfort 

The second gift is a sacrifice of comfort. This is one that I found especially effective and evident in healthy couples. For instance, getting up to make and bring your spouse coffee in bed on a cooooold morning shows exceptional kindness! Volunteering to do the dishes when you are also exhausted from work demonstrates true others-focused love. Try to do something like that at least two or three times each day when you are both particularly busy, and watch what happens!

Why is it so powerful? Because your spouse knows you are tired and busy too. During this time of year, when we are all pulled in 10 directions per day (heck, per hour, even!) these actions signal “I know you have a lot on your plate and I want to help you.”

Sacrificing comfort for others besides spouses speaks volumes as well. Putting in extra time to help a co-worker with a problem will enhance that relationship. Shoveling the neighbor’s sidewalk shows great thoughtfulness amidst chilly discomfort. Any sacrifice of your own personal comfort for someone else conveys the kindheartedness that relationships need to flourish.

Gift #3: Forgiveness

Finally, the third gift to better relationships is forgiveness. The world needs kindness and forgiveness now more than ever. I’m pretty sure that with the stress of the holidays, even if you have a great relationship you have probably gotten sideways with someone, snapped at your kids, or huffed at your spouse—or they snapped at you. Ask for forgiveness quickly, and give it quickly too. By choosing to neither be prideful nor hold a grudge, we not only show kindness, we demonstrate to those around us exactly what the apostle Paul was talking about when he said, “be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.” (Ephesians 4:32)

Forgiveness and kindness are interrelated. If you need to forgive someone, but find it difficult, showing intentional kindness, like giving of your time and sacrificing comfort, can help you begin. A dear friend of mine has a three-word mantra that sums up these simple steps. “Obedience precedes emotion.” You may not feel like forgiving (or asking for forgiveness), but as you do simple acts of kindness for the other person, your feelings will begin to align with your actions.

And here’s the awesome truth: ultimately, forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. You don’t want to be bound up with grudges at this time of year. Forgiveness will bring freedom from bitterness and expand your empathy and compassion for others. It allows your heart to love more easily.

A big pile of packages under the tree might make for a great Instagram photo, but after the initial excitement fades, the presents will be forgotten. The gifts of time, sacrifice of comfort, and forgiveness will have a positive impact on your relationships that will remain long after the last Christmas cookie has been eaten and the decorations have been put away for another year.

Are you currently reading Shaunti’s latest devotional, Find Joy? Please leave a book review on Amazon!

And check out her latest book (co-authored with her husband, Jeff), Thriving in Love and Money. Because you need a better relationship, not just a better budget.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post These Holiday Gifts Are The Most Valuable To The People You Love appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

What To Do When You Want To Be Anywhere But Here

Sometimes we long for change in our lives but we just can’t seem to make it happen. And sometimes changes we don’t want are forced upon us. The pandemic alone has dramatically altered many aspects of our lives: work, school, church and home. And we might be surprised at where we’ve landed, either temporarily or for good. But wherever you find yourself right now, God put you there for a reason. He has a purpose for you.

I’d like to share an excerpt from my new Find Joy devotional that tells the story of a woman who desperately wanted a change of circumstances, but ended up with a change of heart. And aren’t those the best kinds of changes—the ones that happen inside? When we find ourselves in what seems to be a hopeless situation, if we persevere—if we allow ourselves to grow—we may discover that meaning and purpose were there for us all along. We blossom. We shine. We find joy.

As we look toward a New Year with many uncertainties still ahead, let’s be intentional about seeking God’s purpose in our lives—wherever we find ourselves. ~

Michaela worked in an inner-city high school, teaching biology to kids who didn’t seem interested. The hours were long and the parents were uninvolved. Michaela found herself discontented, burning out, and on her knees, desperately begging God for a change. Anywhere but here, Lord. Send me somewhere I can make a difference!

Over and over again, she prayed for a job in one of the magnet schools nearby, where kids had hope for a future. She wanted to impact the lives of kids, and those kids wanted to be impacted. But the doors stayed firmly shut. She felt trapped in a job she disliked but couldn’t seem to leave. Depression settled heavily on her heart. One day, as she began to pray, she felt a strong sense that the Lord wanted her to stop talking and listen. And what she felt she heard took her breath away.

Child, I HAVE sent you somewhere you can make a difference. I put you there for a reason. Stay where you are. And bring Me into your school.

Stunned, Michaela accepted the gentle (well, not-so-gentle) rebuke. She thought about how to “bring Me into your school” and decided to start a new routine. She arrived early at school the next day to walk the halls and touch lockers as she prayed for the students. Imagine her surprise when she found other faculty members doing the exact same thing! She had been so insulated, she hadn’t known there was a community of believers within the faculty. Her heart swelled as she stepped into the life and support they offered.

She also decided to actively invest in the school outside just academics. She started staying after hours to attend her students’ games to cheer them on. And theatre performances. And band concerts. Students started noticing that they were important to her, and it started making a difference in the classroom. Her heart swelled even more.

Suddenly, Michaela found herself wanting to take steps that had seemed burdensome before, like reaching out proactively to parents to say how much she enjoyed their children. Quite a few parents began communicating back and becoming involved in their kids’ education. She realized that these families were not uninterested; they simply needed hope. They would invest themselves wherever hope was to be found—and they now clearly saw her extending that hope to their children.

It didn’t take long for this previously low-energy, lackluster teaching job to start feeling positively life-giving to Michaela. The joy of the Lord swelled as she responded to God’s call. And He says the same thing to each of us: I put you there. Find the reason, and you will find joy where you are.

* Excerpts taken from Shaunti’s newest book, Find Joy: A Devotional Journey to Unshakable Wonder in an Uncertain World from iDisciple Publishing.

Are you currently reading Shaunti’s latest devotional, Find Joy? Please leave a book review on Amazon!

And check out her latest book (co-authored with her husband, Jeff), Thriving in Love and Money. Because you need a better relationship, not just a better budget.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post What To Do When You Want To Be Anywhere But Here appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

An Update from My Battle with COVID

This has been an interesting month, to say the least. Jeff and I had two weeks of misery, one week of recovery, and finally, finally, in week four, although we’re still healing from viral pneumonia and needing much more sleep than usual, we’re in a slow resumption of normal life. We’re also very, very aware of the many people who have endured so much worse. Here, I have to send my heart-felt gratitude to so many of you who covered us in prayer, asked God to bring healing, and sent us messages of encouragement and love. That meant more than we can say.

I want to give you a few more details about this time—including the main lesson I took away from it.

All of us have heard about the vast diversity in how COVID-19 plays out: from completely asymptomatic to tragically deadly.

It was very weird to get COVID and realize . . . what Jeff and I are feeling definitely isn’t the mild, “like a cold” version of this virus. And then realize . . . this isn’t even the “like a flu” version. And then realize . . . this is the sickest we’ve ever been with an illness. At the same time that I was recognizing I had so much to be grateful for, it was a little disconcerting to recognize that we were getting sicker and sicker with a virus for which there is no cure. It was even more concerning if I let myself dwell on the potential complications to Jeff, given some chronic pulmonary issues he’s dealt with over the years.

In other words—I was surprised at how much the battle with COVID wasn’t just a fight against the invisible virus invading my body, but a battle against worry. When Jeff’s fever spiked to dangerous levels, I started anxiously wondering what we would do if we couldn’t get it under control. When I went to the ER in severe pain and the doctors suspected pulmonary blood clots, my thoughts spiraled to our friend and team member Naomi who tragically died this summer because of one. (I’m extremely grateful that my case was only pleurisy, an inflammation of the lung lining.) And when both Jeff and I were miserable and contagious for weeks, and unable to do practically anything for our quarantined high-school-Junior son, and our daughter was forced to spend almost the entire Thanksgiving holiday alone at college because she couldn’t come home, it was so easy to worry: what if something happens to the two of us?

I know that probably sounds dramatic. But in the moment, those worries were very real.

Which meant I also had to realize: those worries are a temptation. A spiraling, dark, negative, magnetic temptation that kept wanting to pull me in. And yet the Bible talks much about fighting and fleeing from temptation. So each time my (rather feeble) brain wanted to spiral into the scary “what if” scenarios, it became a really important opportunity to “take every thought captive out of reverence for Christ” (2 Cor. 10:5). As I mentioned in my previous blog, it became a challenge to “think on whatever is lovely” (Phil. 4:8) and try to change my mindset.  

And it also became an opportunity to ponder the very real truth that all our worried and anxious thoughts are actually an empty, counterfeit attempt to create a sense of control.

Which we can’t. I think that is one thing the year 2020 has taught many of us: the idea that we are in control is truly just an illusion. We can work, and follow wise practices, and try our best, and “pray without ceasing”—and all of that makes a difference! But in the end, ultimately, we are in the hands of a sovereign God.

Sometimes things get very, very hard, and we end up with an outcome that nobody wanted, whether it is a loved one’s poor health or the closure of a business or disrupted major life events that we can never get back. Sometimes we are spared and blessed for no reason other than God’s unwarranted mercy. But always, when worry comes near, we have to cast our cares on the One who is in control and trust that He loves us with an everlasting love.

We are in His hands. That is my main lesson from COVID this year.

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Announcing a New Resource for Thriving in Love and Money

If you or your church are pondering whether to do a money management course in January (such as a Dave Ramsey or Crown Financial class), I want to propose a completely new idea for you: We’ve been doing money management programs in the wrong order!

Nearly every such program starts with teaching and encouraging the technical elements of money management – how to budget, get out of debt, and so on. 

But the vast majority of couples – 77%! – can’t really talk about money well to begin with! These programs throw us into the deep end of the pool before we’re even able to swim. Which is why, all too often, we avoid money courses entirely or stop halfway through.

I know in our own household, Jeff really, really wanted to take a Dave Ramsey course and I really, really didn’t! We had no idea that each of us first needed to learn what we thought and felt about finances, and why. Why did I want to snag Amazon packages off the front step before Jeff saw them? Why on earth did he view the prospect of grilling Costco chicken 30 days in a row as a fun, money-saving challenge? Why did one or both of us get defensive when certain topics came up? And most important…why did we always seem to devolve into the same arguments over money matters?

For nearly all of us, before we can do Step 2 (a good money management class) we have to do Step 1 (understand what is going on under the surface with money, and be able to communicate about it well).

This is why we’ve created a brand-new Step 1: The Thriving in Love & Money Course for couples, small groups and churches! This Discussion Guide (and the resources that go with it!) is the resource that will help you get on the same page with your spouse, understand one another (and yourself!) and actually enjoy discussions about this crucial topic that we deal with every day.

A few details: This Discussion Guide accompanies the book and includes access to 6 sessions of video teaching led by Jeff and me, as well as simple discussion questions and prompts to help you think through and get a handle on all the factors underneath your responses to money. This course gives practical steps toward coming together as a couple, so that down the road you can do whatever more involved money management course is right for you!

A special note for churches and ministry leaders: Please consider this as the missing piece most of your people need in order to help them want to do your financial class. Helping them create a great relationship around money, first, is a low bar – and a fun one. If you want more detail, please look at the information on our website about the Thriving in Love and Money Course. Consider incorporating this new resource into your programming. And if you are not a leader but think the leaders at your church would benefit from knowing about it, please forward this article to them!

Are you currently reading Shaunti’s latest devotional, Find Joy? Please leave a book review on Amazon!

Check out Shaunti’s latest book (co-authored with her husband, Jeff), Thriving in Love and Money. Because you need a better relationship, not just a better budget.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post Announcing a New Resource for Thriving in Love and Money appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

War, Women and Backpacks: A Story of Faith, Hope and Love

I’ve often written about the importance of generosity and sacrifice in creating thriving personal relationships. They are also critical in shaping how we view our world –and softening our hearts to something we may not have seen before.

I want to give you a real-world example of generosity and sacrifice—and encourage you to join in a worthy cause if you are looking for an amazing Christmas present (or three!) this year. Jeff and I have a close friend from our Harvard days, Kris Carter. Kris went to Harvard Law School with Jeff and has worked in many prestigious law firms and corporations. But he left it all three years ago to start a new adventure in Gulu, Uganda.

While working with NGOs there, Kris became acquainted with numerous victims of Joseph Kony’s infamous guerilla war against the Ugandan government. Kony kidnapped more than 30,000 children to strengthen his army, forcing the boys to become soldiers and the girls to become sex slaves.

Kris learned of Christian organizations that helped these victims—especially the rescued young women—heal from the brutality and develop excellent, marketable skills, such as high-quality sewing and craftsmanship. But without products to sew that the world was willing to buy, those skills were going unused.

Kris had a brainstorm (or perhaps a heartstorm!). There are hundreds of thousands of moms, business-people, and students who could use—and would love!—a high-end, beautiful line of backpacks and bags. Their production and sale could provide a sustainable industry for the Gulu women and their families. “GULU Made” was born!

Learning everything from the ground up, Kris invested most of his own personal resources into establishing a factory in Uganda and bringing in top notch design and marketing experts to help the women create the high-end, world-class-quality backpack-related products. It was such a risky venture, but Kris was continually drawn forward by his faith in Christ and his commitment to these women.

A successful Kickstarter campaign at the opening of 2020 wowed everyone! Jeff and I ordered one of the first designs, and couldn’t wait to get it.

Then COVID hit. International trade ground to a halt. Materials to create the backpacks couldn’t be obtained. Production stalled. Nevertheless, Kris managed to keep paying the rescued women he’d employed.

Finally in August, production resumed—and we received our GULU Made backpack – “The Motivator.”

Jeff was so excited to swap out his old backpack for the new one. Unfortunately for Jeff, our college junior daughter was around when he opened the packaging. Within about thirty seconds, it was now her backpack. She now carries it everywhere she goes on campus and is always ready to give a demonstration to anyone as to how amazing this backpack is. (Since she is an introvert, I can’t tell you how shocking this is to see.) She’s a true believer.

So what am I asking you to do with all this? First, be encouraged by the story—one man who saw a need and went about trying to solve it even though there was no roadmap other than praying and taking one step at a time.

Second, and most importantly, buy one of these backpacks or bags. (Especially now, since they are offering 20% off the high-end price!)

Because of Covid, much of the “normal” backpack and bag market has been disrupted. Business people aren’t traveling as much. Many students are taking classes online. But these backpacks are still needed!  You can help by buying one of them for yourself or as a Christmas present for someone you love.

Finally, share this story widely with your network. Maybe we can drive a groundswell of support for these beautiful backpacks and the women who make them. Who knows, maybe some celebrity influencer is one or two connections away from someone in your network, and GULU Made backpacks could become the “must-have” socially impactful product of the year!

As far as I know, I’ve never written a blog like this before: but I’ve also never seen a product like this before. And if you get one of these backpacks, you will quickly become a true believer, too!

Are you currently reading Shaunti’s latest devotional, Find Joy? Please leave a book review on Amazon!

Check out Shaunti’s latest book (co-authored with her husband, Jeff), Thriving in Love and Money. Because you need a better relationship, not just a better budget.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post War, Women and Backpacks: A Story of Faith, Hope and Love appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Why I’m Thankful I Have Covid-19

Dear Friends,

Yep, it’s official. I was sick all last week and received my lab results back on Friday night with the news that I have COVID-19. It has been quite a journey, as I have been pretty sick for most of the past week and although slightly better now, it seems to be a lingering type of illness. But while this can be troublesome, I am also very aware that there is a command in scripture that says we are supposed to rejoice in our sufferings. We’re supposed to be thankful, even for our trials—and God really means that!

So, I made a list of reasons why I’m thankful I have COVID-19. And I want to share it with you, to encourage you to also look for things to be thankful for when your Thanksgiving may not look the way you imagined:

It is forcing me to slow down and have literal quiet time.I appreciate family and community so much more now and will do so even more when I am out of quarantine.Being sick makes me appreciate how much my body does for me during normal times. I will never take breathing for granted again!I’m grateful for the timing of my illness. I have not had to cancel anything. And my daughter Morgen is at college and not home, which is a blessing because she has asthma.This experience has provided some key scripture verses with extra meaning and power for me. Here’s just one…

“Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 ESV)

And finally, I’m thankful for the incredible team who works so hard behind the scenes with me. They have been trying to take everything off my plate because they want me to be able to truly just find rest (hmm… that sounds familiar) and do nothing. (Especially my staff director Charlyn, who was literally sending me notices that I am being put into “time out” while I was recording these thoughts!)

So, while this may not be the way I would choose to spend Thanksgiving, there is so much to be thankful for this year. Yes, even in 2020. Even with a COVID-19 diagnosis.

Let’s choose joy by being thankful in all circumstances, and especially this week, no matter what it looks like for you.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Are you currently reading Shaunti’s latest devotional, Find Joy? Please leave a book review on Amazon!

Check out Shaunti’s latest book (co-authored with her husband, Jeff), Thriving in Love and Money. Because you need a better relationship, not just a better budget.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post Why I’m Thankful I Have Covid-19 appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.