Shaunti Feldhahn's Blog, page 27

5 Ways Parents Can Raise Leaders

Today we are sharing a guest blog from Alli Worthington while Shaunti is in this season of cancer treatments. As a mother of five sons, Alli shares some ways she and her husband are helping to raise godly leaders. Alli also wrote the foreword for Shaunti’s newest devotional, Find Joy: A Devotional Journey to Unshakeable Wonder in an Uncertain World. Enjoy!

5 Ways Parents Can Raise Leaders

I want my children to grow up to be leaders. This doesn’t mean that I necessarily wish for them to be CEOs, or heads of state, or be in charge of large groups of people. But that’s not my definition of a leader. A leader is someone who obeys the calling God has for their lives. A person who isn’t swayed by popular opinion or the whims of the world. Leaders are not made by their title or position, but by their actions and their heart. 

A leader leads and influences others by the way they live life and love others. 

As a parent, you have the great honor of being able to help raise a future leader. 

Here are five ways my husband and I parent our five sons to help build leadership qualities in them. 

1. Let Them Fail 

If you aren’t occasionally failing, you aren’t attempting to try new things. Many adults are ashamed of failing, but we never should be. Failing means we are trying, we are living, and we are learning. I want my boys to understand failure is the mark of a strong person who takes risks. Without failure, a future leader will never develop perseverance. 

2. Praise Their Effort

We all want our kids to have a solid sense of self-esteem, and it can be tempting to bolster their egos by letting them know how proud we are of everything they do. But constantly praising a bigger kid like he just won a Nobel Peace Prize when he only carried his socks to the hamper doesn’t serve him well; it will dilute the impact of your praise, and it can also reduce their motivation if they start to believe they are always amazing. Leaders are intrinsically motivated, not motivated by praise of the world. 

3. Let Them Be Disappointed

Of course children need to trust their parents for a feeling of safety and constancy. That doesn’t mean that we need to be all things to them at all times. It’s okay if they are disappointed they can’t join their friends for an afternoon movie, or you can’t play a game with them right now, or they can’t have the toy all of their friends want. Saying “no” is a part of parenting; learning how to handle minor letdowns will give them the skills to handle life’s bigger disappointments with maturity. 

4. Let Them Do Their Own Work

We’ve all heard the stories of parents contacting their college-aged students’ professors to ask why they didn’t get a 4.0. Of course that impulse comes from a place of love and concern, but at some point those “children” need to stand on their own two feet. I start young with my boys; for example, I don’t assist with projects unless they need something only an adult can do. On the wall in the classroom? It’s obvious that my boys’ projects are actually made by a child, not his parents. 

5. Teach Them To Lead With Love

Being a leader doesn’t mean you get to boss around your friends on the ball field, at school or out in the world. Real leaders influence others because of their love. Jesus modeled servant leadership to his disciples because real leadership, the kind that changes hearts and minds, always leads with love. 

From the marketplace to the ministry to the playroom, as leaders ourselves, we are meant to raise up leaders around us.

Alli Worthington is an author, speaker, blogger, and the Executive Director of Propel Women. Her goal is to help women live the life they were created to live. Alli co-founded BlissDom Events and has helped individuals, small business owners, and Fortune 500 companies be more successful. Alli’s no-nonsense, guilt-free take on motherhood, parenting, and balance has led to appearances on TODAY and Good Morning America. She lives outside Nashville with her husband, Mark, their five sons, and their rescued dog and cat, who moved onto their doorstep. You can connect with Alli at AlliWorthington.com. Check out her latest book, Standing Strong: A Woman’s Guide to Overcoming Adversity and Living with Confidence.

#mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */ .button {background-color: #3389C2;background:#3389C2;color: #fff} Receive Shaunti’s Blog & Updates* indicates required Email Address * (function($) {window.fnames = new Array(); window.ftypes = new Array();fnames[0]='EMAIL';ftypes[0]='email';fnames[1]='FNAME';ftypes[1]='text';fnames[2]='LNAME';ftypes[2]='text';fnames[3]='SOURCE';ftypes[3]='text';fnames[4]='MMERGE4';ftypes[4]='text';fnames[5]='MMERGE5';ftypes[5]='date';fnames[6]='MMERGE6';ftypes[6]='text';fnames[7]='MMERGE7';ftypes[7]='text';fnames[8]='MMERGE8';ftypes[8]='text';fnames[9]='MMERGE9';ftypes[9]='text';fnames[10]='MMERGE10';ftypes[10]='phone';}(jQuery));var $mcj = jQuery.noConflict(true);

More from Shaunti’s Blog:

5 Ways Parents Can Raise LeadersThe Next Step in My Cancer JourneyWhen She Wants Sex More Than He DoesPublic StatementWhat to Do When Anxious Thoughts are Taking Over

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post 5 Ways Parents Can Raise Leaders appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

The Next Step in My Cancer Journey

“Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.” Psalm 119:105 (ESV)

I don’t know if I’ve ever felt the significance of this verse more than I have since starting this cancer journey. There are SO MANY decisions that must be made by those going through cancer. Which ones are right? I’ve been hanging on to the promise that God will guide us as we make decisions about treatment and that He will help us navigate the next steps in my health and in this complicated season for our ministry.

I’ll tell you a few key decisions momentarily. But first: Have you ever stopped to think just how far a lamp illuminates your path? It’s not that far! In fact, it’s usually just a few feet in front of you—just enough light to know the next right step. How frustratingly fascinating! I know I would like God to just clearly outline the next 12 months so I know what to expect and feel like I have every little detail under control.

But that’s not how it works, friends. And quite frankly, I’m starting to see why it doesn’t. Our little human brains (and hearts!) probably couldn’t handle knowing the next week’s events, let alone the next year or two. And I am learning anew that it is a beautiful, faith-building thing to watch God illuminate the next step, take that step, and rest in the knowledge that God will do the same thing again and again on the path ahead. 

Once I have taken step one, He will then shine the light on the next step, and the next. And all the while He promises to be alongside me – in this case, as I travel this strange and stressful cancer journey.

But sometimes, just to encourage us, God illuminates our path not with a soft, gentle lamp light but a lightning bolt: STEP HERE! That happened on this journey recently, and it has set the course for the next few months ahead.

A clear direction for our next step

Because I have several radiation options to choose from, for weeks I’ve been researching and trying to figure out the right plan and course of treatment. And boy, did I have the best plan in mind! In brief, there are many different options for how to deliver radiation, but two that were feasible for me: internal radiation delivered through a catheter into the tumor cavity twice a day for a week, and external radiation from a giant X-ray beam every day for one month.

I loved the idea of the “short course”, which would protect my crazy schedule as much as possible, allow me to do all my upcoming March/April events, and seemed to have fewer side effects. But right before meeting with the surgeon to decide, suddenly, I discovered new information: the internal radiation might have more long-term side effects. And because it was a newer method, there was no way to know its long-term (20+-year) effectiveness at preventing recurrence for a “younger” patient like me.

Although I was delighted to be considered “younger” in any way, I confess I had a slight emotional meltdown because now I didn’t know what to do. And it felt like, you know, literally a “life or death” decision in some ways!

Well, God made the decision for us. The surgeon was stunned to discover that 12 days out from surgery, the large cavity had already healed. Which meant the internal radiation option was no longer an option: you can’t delivery radiation to the tumor cavity if there’s no cavity!

Even though it was a dramatic shift to think about doing a traditional long course of external radiation, and even though it meant we had to reschedule all those events, all my emotional angst went away. After all: God very mercifully answered my intense confusion by clearly CHOOSING that for me. (And the other thing that helped was that all the event organizers were so wonderful at shutting down any idea that I might be “letting them down.” In fact, when I called one organizer, she told me she had had breast cancer herself at the exact same age and knew exactly what this felt like. She prayed for me on the phone and left me in tears at that encouragement.)

Start date: March 8!

So bottom line, we are starting soon! I just did my “simulation scan” that precedes radiation. It maps out the internal territory very precisely so they can maximize the radiation where it is needed and try their best to avoid damage to lungs, ribs, lymph nodes, etc. I will have the final setup and planning on March 8 and start the actual radiation treatments March 9.

The radiation treatments themselves will extend for one month, ending right around Easter. (How fitting is that!?) Although apparently, I just learned that immediate side effects on the skin and on my energy levels are cumulative (so they get worse as it goes along) and will continue for another few weeks after the treatments stop. So realistically, it is more like a 6-week process.

We don’t yet know how my body will respond, but I am praying for very few of those side effects. I would like to still make lots of progress on the next research project and book during the next 6 weeks, even if I have to go slower on some things. (Like allowing multiple other authors to write guest blogs for me and pointing you to our new videos that are being recorded before the radiation, which I hope is a blessing to you as readers anyway!)

So there are a lot of adjustments and still a lot of unknowns. But regardless, it’s going to be okay. It has been pretty clear that this is the decision that was made for me, God is lighting my path, and I’m going with it.

I appreciate all of you. Thank you for your prayers.

More from Shaunti’s Blog:

The Next Step in My Cancer JourneyWhen She Wants Sex More Than He DoesPublic StatementWhat to Do When Anxious Thoughts are Taking OverHelp Make Your Marriage Great By Being Grateful For Your Spouse #mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */ .button {background-color: #3389C2;background:#3389C2;color: #fff} Receive Shaunti’s Blog & Updates* indicates required Email Address * (function($) {window.fnames = new Array(); window.ftypes = new Array();fnames[0]='EMAIL';ftypes[0]='email';fnames[1]='FNAME';ftypes[1]='text';fnames[2]='LNAME';ftypes[2]='text';fnames[3]='SOURCE';ftypes[3]='text';fnames[4]='MMERGE4';ftypes[4]='text';fnames[5]='MMERGE5';ftypes[5]='date';fnames[6]='MMERGE6';ftypes[6]='text';fnames[7]='MMERGE7';ftypes[7]='text';fnames[8]='MMERGE8';ftypes[8]='text';fnames[9]='MMERGE9';ftypes[9]='text';fnames[10]='MMERGE10';ftypes[10]='phone';}(jQuery));var $mcj = jQuery.noConflict(true);

Find Christ-focused wonder in the midst of everyday life no matter what your situation might be. Pick up a copy of Shaunti’s latest devotional, Find Joy, available in major bookstores.

Check out Shaunti’s latest book and Discussion Guide (co-authored with her husband, Jeff), Thriving in Love and Money. Because you need a better relationship, not just a better budget.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post The Next Step in My Cancer Journey appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

When She Wants Sex More Than He Does

Today we are sharing a guest blog post from J. Parker from Hot, Holy, and Humorous while Shaunti is in this season of cancer treatments . We’re thrilled to welcome J’s voice on the topic of higher desire wives.

When She Wants Sex More Than He Does
By J. Parker

She lies in bed next to her husband. He snores at her back, while she curls in on herself and cries. It’s been several days since they made love, and he doesn’t seem to miss her touch, her kiss, their sexual intimacy.

What is wrong with him? Shouldn’t he appreciate a wife who wants sex?

What is wrong with her? Is she that unappealing? Does he still love her?

Both in Christian and secular cultures, the message we’ve long heard is that men want frequent sex. A husband longs for more sexual encounters to both express and foster the intimacy he feels for his wife.

That’s often true. But sometimes, it’s the wife who longs for more sexual encounters to both express and foster the intimacy she feels for her husband.

Many wives read the scenario above and related to feelings of disappointment and self-doubt that can come with wanting sex more than he does.

You’re not alone.

That scenario above isn’t fictional. It’s my story, from years ago.

In addition to my hurt, I felt alone—as if I was the only wife dealing with sexual rejection. I didn’t know where to turn or even whether to admit our struggle. I worried others would secretly label me a nympho or question my husband’s masculinity.

I’ll never forget when my husband and I took a church-sponsored marriage course and were asked to rank marital benefits according to perceived need. One other wife also had Sexual Fulfillment in her top five. When class ended, we beelined toward each other like long-lost friends, smiles on our faces, and relieved me toos on our lips. Now, at least we were not alone.

As it turns out, higher desire wives comprise about 15-20% of marriages. A 2019 survey put it at 18%.

That means if you’re sitting among 50 couples, statistically speaking, nine have a higher desire wife—nearly one in five. If you’re one of those nine, you’ve got allies in the room. They may not speak up, but they’re there.

Most of us believed we were rare.

With 15-20% of marriages having a higher desire wife, why hasn’t this scenario been addressed more?

For a long time, most people truly believed such marriages were the odd exceptions. Everyone from relationships experts, to secular media, to Christian resources, to your well-meaning grandmother told you that men want sex more than women. Billy Crystal’s character (Harry) in When Harry Met Sally summed it up this way: “No man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.” When Meg Ryan (Sally) asked about an unattractive female friend, he revised that a man wants sex with her too.

It wasn’t that women didn’t like sex. Some might like it a lot. But everything in our culture suggested men pursue it more often, initiate the majority of encounters, and almost never turn down an invitation of sex.

Moreover, 80-85% of people had marriages with matching sexual interest or a higher desire husband, so they didn’t question such messages. When the topic of higher desire wives came up, they were characterized as a rare species only occasionally spotted: [in a hushed tone] “This particular female is an unusual specimen of the species—a wife who wants sex more than her husband.”

It shouldn’t surprise us, then, that few talked about the alternative. Thankfully, the tide is turning! More of us are speaking up, more marriage ministers are recognizing and addressing the variety of sex drive differences, and more couples are finding ways to navigate the unique challenges of a marriage with a higher desire wife.

Why doesn’t he want sex as much as she does?

“What’s wrong with him?” is the first question certain husbands and even wives ask whenever the topic of higher desire wives is raised. (Yet we wonder why lower drive husbands don’t speak up more.) The correct answer is maybe something, maybe nothing.

First off, sex drive is relative. Consider a husband married, widowed, then married again and having the same level of sexual interest, but in his first marriage, he has the higher sexual desire, and in his second marriage, she has the higher sexual desire. An imbalance one way or another doesn’t mean something is necessarily wrong. It’s just how these two individuals rank in terms of their relative interest in sex.

Second, while many are quick to assume low testosterone, men’s sexual desire is impacted by a variety of factors. Below is a downloadable list of reasons why a husband might be less interested than his wife.

Click the image to download the PDF.

As you look through the reasons, be sure to view your husband not as a problem to fix but rather a person to understand.

Indeed, lower drive husbands often already feel beleaguered. They wonder themselves what’s wrong with them. They feel they aren’t sexually enough for their wives. They worry admitting it aloud will get their “man card” revoked. They don’t know how to fix it and/or believe trying may lead to embarrassment, conflict, and even greater emotional pain. Showing compassion for his struggle as well can help you move forward together.

So how can a higher desire wife get more sex?

I know, I know. I’ve been there too, remember?

Let’s be clear that when higher desire wives want more sex in marriage, they’re not only seeking a physically pleasurable act but an emotional connection. Also, they don’t want their husbands to schlep themselves to the bedroom out of duty but rather to mutually desire and enjoy the experience.

But in moments of frustration or deep hurt, a higher desire wife might cry out, “Just tell me how to get him to have more sex with me!”

Find your value in God. When rejected by someone you love, you can begin to feel undesirable or unseen. But God knows your true worth and wants you to embrace that you are enough, you are beautiful, you are worthy. Your husband wanting sex less doesn’t take any of that away, and once you feel better about yourself, you’ll be in a better place to address the challenges you face.

Seek out the whys. Why does your husband want sex less? Is it a problem to be resolved, a condition to be discussed, or just a frequency gap to be negotiated? Why do you want sex more? What would having more sex say to your head and heart? Do what you can to learn about yourselves and one another, so you can lovingly work together to improve the sexual intimacy in your marriage.

Get help if needed. What kind of help depends on the whys, but your husband and/or you may need to visit a healthcare provider, a nutritionist, a marriage counselor, a trauma specialist, a Christian sex therapist, etc. Or you may need to read relevant books, take a course, or attend a marriage intensive. Answers can be found, so use the resources available to you.

Savor small successes. As much as we’d like problems to disappear like vapor and our dream sex life to appear like magic, that’s unlikely. Change takes time, intentionality, and perseverance. Take one step at a time, and savor each success along your journey. Success is a good motivator to keep going.

Embrace your sexuality. Wanting sex with your husband is a good thing. God wants husbands and wives to join together in one flesh, and He’s not particular about who initiates, who wants it more, or who gets the biggest afterglow. Embrace your desire as something that can benefit you, your husband, and your marriage.

My husband and I worked through our sexual desire differences. Nowadays, when I’m more eager than he is, my husband sees an opportunity to love and serve his wife with an act that he also enjoys. You have my heartfelt prayers that you can work through any sexual desire differences too.

J. Parker started Hot, Holy & Humorous as a blog with the goal of helping others understand God’s design for sex in marriage. Since then, she’s published over 950 blog posts, written five books, released 100+ podcast episodes with three other marriage bloggers, and launched online communities for both husbands (with a co-host) and for higher desire wives. But her goal remains the same: helping you embrace God’s blessings for your marriage bed.

J has a personal story of redemption in the area of sexuality, holds a master’s degree in counseling, and lives in Texas with her fabulous but oh-so logical husband, fondly nicknamed “Spock.”

More from Shaunti’s Blog:

When She Wants Sex More Than He DoesPublic StatementWhat to Do When Anxious Thoughts are Taking OverHelp Make Your Marriage Great By Being Grateful For Your SpousePut The “Fun” Back in Your Marriage #mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */ .button {background-color: #3389C2;background:#3389C2;color: #fff} Receive Shaunti’s Blog & Updates* indicates required Email Address * (function($) {window.fnames = new Array(); window.ftypes = new Array();fnames[0]='EMAIL';ftypes[0]='email';fnames[1]='FNAME';ftypes[1]='text';fnames[2]='LNAME';ftypes[2]='text';fnames[3]='SOURCE';ftypes[3]='text';fnames[4]='MMERGE4';ftypes[4]='text';fnames[5]='MMERGE5';ftypes[5]='date';fnames[6]='MMERGE6';ftypes[6]='text';fnames[7]='MMERGE7';ftypes[7]='text';fnames[8]='MMERGE8';ftypes[8]='text';fnames[9]='MMERGE9';ftypes[9]='text';fnames[10]='MMERGE10';ftypes[10]='phone';}(jQuery));var $mcj = jQuery.noConflict(true);

Find Christ-focused wonder in the midst of everyday life no matter what your situation might be. Pick up a copy of Shaunti’s latest devotional, Find Joy, available in major bookstores.

Check out Shaunti’s latest book and Discussion Guide (co-authored with her husband, Jeff), Thriving in Love and Money. Because you need a better relationship, not just a better budget.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post When She Wants Sex More Than He Does appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Public Statement

Below is Shaunti’s public statement on Sheila Wray Gregoire’s comments, research and new book.

Download the PDF

The post Public Statement appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

What to Do When Anxious Thoughts are Taking Over

What we focus on will change what we observe around us. We will notice more and more of what we focus on or, conversely, less and less of what we don’t want to see.

— Shaunti Feldhahn, Find Joy

Today we are sharing a guest blog post from Julie Gorman while Shaunti continues to rest and heal from her cancer treatments. Julie’s wisdom in this devotional (which includes one of Shaunti’s favorite scriptures) is a much-needed reminder for today. We hope that you are inspired and find the peace that comes with rising above anxious thoughts. Because worry really is like a rocking chair.

Rising Above Anxious Thoughts

by Julie Gorman

Are the circumstances of this world weighing you down? Feeling a little anxious? Here are some tips on Rising Above Anxious Thoughts.

REMEMBER: YOU FIND WHAT YOU’RE LOOKING FOR

We understand the importance of staying informed regarding the COVID-19 virus, but we also understand that the media frenzy breeds anxiety. We encourage you to know your limits, know when to turn off the T.V. and turn on worship music. Although the news informs us of the facts, it doesn’t inform us of the FULL truth. The full truth would also include God’s power, God’s purpose, and God’s provision. Sarah Young says, “Anxiety is a result of imagining a future without God.” Let’s not take God out of the equation.

We will find what we’re looking for … hope or hopelessness. Let’s choose hope!

Romans 15:13 says, “May the God of Hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”

REPLENISH, TOGETHER

In times of uncertainty like the one we are in, we easily forget to replenish, especially when it comes to ourselves and our relationship. Our fear tells us that sitting in the worry seat is somehow more productive. The truth is, worry is like a rocking chair, you’re constantly moving but going nowhere. Instead of worry, we need to replenish; physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. A few ideas to re-connect and replenish as a couple: try out a silly work-out from home together, read a book together, take advantage of our Conversation Starters for Couples, and pray together. This helps us embrace a higher way of thinking instead of letting worry drag us down.

John Ortberg says, “If your soul is healthy, no external circumstances can destroy your life. If your soul is unhealthy, no external circumstances can redeem your life.”

CHANGE YOUR HOW TO WHO

If you’re anything like my husband and me, it’s easy to get stuck in the HOW loop! Especially during seasons of uncertainty. How will we ever get from here to there? How can we make that happen? You see … when we concentrate on our circumstances, we tend to get stuck. Why? Because, we see all our problems. We focus on all the impossibilities. We live limited to what WE can accomplish. But when we change the positioning of those three small letters (from) H … O … W (to) W … H … O … it changes everything!

When we make the switch to remember WHO, we begin to ask different questions, like: WHO gave us this promise? WHO is HE? And what is HE capable of? The answers to those questions cause faith to rise, empowering us to believe HIM for all He promised.

TODAY’S VERSE:

Philippians 4:6 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

TODAY’S PRAYER:

Father, we know how easy it is to become anxious and to worry. We surrender all thoughts of anxiousness and uncertainty to you. We thank you that you are bigger than our circumstances, and you are always working behind the scenes. We thank you that you work all things together for good. We ask that you would elevate our perspective. Help our thoughts to align with yours, thoughts of hope, faith, and power. We pray that we would lead the way for our families and those around us. Help us to be pillars of your strength during this time. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

— Julie Gorman

Julie Gorman is a John Maxwell Certified Coach, Trainer, and Speaker, and the founder of His Love Extended Ministries. Her books include What I Wish My Mother Had Told Me about Marriage and Married for a Purpose (co-authored with husband, Greg). For more information, check out marriedforapurpose.com.

Find Christ-focused wonder in the midst of everyday life no matter what your situation might be. Pick up a copy of Shaunti’s latest devotional, Find Joy, available in major bookstores.

And check out her latest book (co-authored with her husband, Jeff), Thriving in Love and Money. Because you need a better relationship, not just a better budget.

This article was first published at Patheos.

More from the blog:

What to Do When Anxious Thoughts are Taking OverHelp Make Your Marriage Great By Being Grateful For Your SpousePut The “Fun” Back in Your MarriageThe Sex & Conversation Series, Part 3: “If My Spouse Loved Me, They Would WANT To Do What Warms My Heart!”Here’s How To Be Romantic All Year, Not Just On Valentine’s Day

The post What to Do When Anxious Thoughts are Taking Over appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Help Make Your Marriage Great By Being Grateful For Your Spouse

Have you ever been around one of those couples who just never seem to have an unkind word to say about each other . . . or to each other? If something goes wrong—a late arrival from work when dinner has been waiting, a misplaced bill that’s now overdue, the unintended sting of a joke gone wrong—there’s a noticeable absence of irritation, blaming, and grumbling. Instead of frustration overload, there’s understanding and unwavering support. Rather than venting about all the things that are wrong with their spouse, these couples overflow with praise for everything that’s good.

Call it living in a state of wonder. Or the power of conscious gratitude. Whatever you call it, it is one of the sources of energy that turns a good marriage into a great one. Talk to consistently happy spouses for very long and you’ll hear things like this bubbling out:

“I can’t believe he chose me.”“I keep wondering when she’s going to figure out that I’m not as amazing as she thinks I am.”“I’m convinced that if weren’t for him, I would still be single.”“How did I luck out like this?”“Yeah, buddy, I sure outkicked my coverage.”

When I was doing research for my book Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, I heard these kinds of comments over and over in the interviews with highly happy couples. They were casual remarks about something that really wasn’t casual at all: a deeply felt gratitude.

This “attitude of gratitude” can transform your marriage from good to great. Here’s how.

Happy Couples Give Their Spouses Credit For Their Relationship Success

The feeling of gratitude that my research interviewees expressed was much more fundamental than your everyday positive mental attitude. These folks lived in a state of awe that their spouses were in their lives—that they had chosen them in the first place!—and with the daily awareness that a huge part of their happiness was due to these wonderful people to whom they were joined.

Even when these couples were dealing with real problems—money, kids, sex, and a host of other things that can drain a marriage—each partner still believed that they personally hit the jackpot. I would state this powerful little secret like this: Highly happy couples give their spouses most of the credit for their relationship success—and they live in regular, conscious gratitude as a result.

The Roman philosopher Cicero wrote, “Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others.” The marital experience of highly happy couples seemed to bear this out. Their conscious gratitude for their mates seemed to have the effect of tempering other concerns and making them much happier in their marriages.

Happy Couples Think The Best Of Each Other

After all, with such an amazing person, does it really matter if he isn’t that neat? Does it really matter that much if she always runs late? Or “Yes, this was a bad year financially, but she is amazing the way she has stood beside me.” Or “He has been so sweet the way he has reassured me we would get through this.”

And in being so aware of their partners’ “amazingness” (I love that word!), these folks certainly did not take each other for granted, nor did they overlook the great things that were right before their eyes. In the end, they expected fewer problems—and found fewer! Putting it another way, their perception became reality. What each saw in the other became what each experienced.

We don’t have to wait until we lose what we love to realize its value. We can start today to change the weather in our marriages by intentionally minding our “gratitudes”—and letting our spouses know how blessed we feel because of them.

More from Shaunti’s Blog:

Help Make Your Marriage Great By Being Grateful For Your SpousePut The “Fun” Back in Your MarriageThe Sex & Conversation Series, Part 3: “If My Spouse Loved Me, They Would WANT To Do What Warms My Heart!”Here’s How To Be Romantic All Year, Not Just On Valentine’s DayAn Update From The Team

Find Christ-focused wonder in the midst of everyday life no matter what your situation might be. Pick up a copy of Shaunti’s latest devotional, Find Joy, available in major bookstores.

Check out Shaunti’s latest book and Discussion Guide (co-authored with her husband, Jeff), Thriving in Love and Money. Because you need a better relationship, not just a better budget.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post Help Make Your Marriage Great By Being Grateful For Your Spouse appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Put The “Fun” Back in Your Marriage

“Highly happy couples aren’t just spending time together because they’re happy; a big part of the reason they’re so happy is that they’re spending time together!”

 –Shaunti Feldhahn, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages

While Shaunti continues to recover from surgery and treatments, we are sharing this encouraging and insightful guest blog from her dear friend, Jill Savage. Her story below illustrates the importance of this finding and we are sure it will encourage you.  

True story: When Mark and I had been married for just a couple of years, he gave me a bowling ball for Christmas. It was my favorite color, purple, and it even had my name engraved on it.

However, I wasn’t a bowler.

As you can imagine, I was a bit baffled by his gift. As he read the confusion on my face, he promptly opened up a nearby closet and produced a similar bowling ball in his favorite color and — you guessed it — with his name engraved on it!

“I thought it would be fun for us to do something together,” he said.

Unfortunately, those bowling balls were never used and somebody named Mark and Jill probably picked them up at a garage sale for a really good price. Our marriage suffered because I didn’t value having fun together.

As a couple, you know the importance of having a strong marriage, but how do you make your marriage stronger? It is often the small steps that make the biggest differences. So, today, I encourage you to be comfortable with learning new skills and to allow yourselves to be okay with taking small steps towards your goal of a stronger marriage.

Are you ready to put that into practice?

Let’s start by making time to have fun in your marriage.

I know you might think that this should come easy but often as we’re living life together on a daily basis, having fun can easily go right out the window unless we’re intentional about making it happen!

Here are some strategies for making fun happen:

Put it on your calendar as a recurring event . Select a regular time to spend together (i.e. every other Friday night, one Saturday a month, every Sunday afternoon) and put it on both of your calendars. If you have children, set up a regular childcare arrangement as well, or determine to have some intentional fun together after the kids are in bed. Decide what you’ll do ahead of time . Maybe you decide together, alternate which one of you is in charge of the time together, or maybe one of you is more of a planner and the other is happy to go along on the ride. Any way works—just decide how to make that decision. Go into time together with no expectations . Expectations rob us of contentment. Have a flexible heart open to how God leads your time together. It might turn out different than you planned, but if you’re flexible you can fully enjoy the time you set apart to be together.

Here is why this is so important:

Having fun together helps couples feel positive emotions, which increases relationship satisfaction. It helps couples unite in order to overcome differences and gives hope when working through difficult challenges.

Prioritizing fun will have a huge impact if you take the time to make it happen.

So, whether it’s bowling, a nice dinner, or enjoying a special dessert together at home, find some ways to prioritize fun and see what a difference it can make.

Honest. Vulnerable. Deep. These are just a few words people use to describe Mark and Jill Savage. Their marriage and their family have experienced the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. Because of this, they care deeply about people and helping them navigate the relationships that mean the most to them. 

Want to find out more? Check out JillSavage.org and Mark & Jill’s No More Perfect Marriages Playbook to discover more ways to reignite your marriage.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post Put The “Fun” Back in Your Marriage appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

The Sex & Conversation Series, Part 3: “If My Spouse Loved Me, They Would WANT To Do What Warms My Heart!”

This is an article about marriage, but I’m going to illustrate it with a parenting example.

Don’t you wish that when you ask your kids to do something extra for you (clear the table, pack up their little sister’s bookbag, go grab something out of the storage room), that they would always want to help and have sheer delight in doing so? “Yay! I get to help Mom or Dad by bringing up the extra bag of kitty litter from the storage room!” “Oh good, I’ve been wanting to fold the laundry instead of shooting hoops outside!”

Of course, it usually doesn’t work that way! So what we mostly work toward, explain the need for – and eventually applaud!– is when our son will heave himself off of his “gaming spot” on the couch, or our daughter will step away from her Lego tower, and willingly do something that we’ve asked without grumbling. We’d still love delight, but we will take willingness. We will take the fact that they have built a habit of helping because they (hopefully) love and respect us, know that these actions are part of being in a family, and that building this habit is important to us.

And that habit actually matters a lot, right? Their willingness to leave what they want to do, and instead tackle what you want them to do, says, “I care.”

In fact, what would we think if we saw a parent who said, “It doesn’t count if when my son mowed the lawn, he wasn’t also eager to interrupt his gaming session to help me”? What would we think if we saw a parent who said, “If my daughter really loved me, she would want to leave her Lego project to go walk the dog?” We would probably be very concerned. Because that parent has some potentially damaging expectations.

So if we would never have that expectation of our kids, why do we have it of our spouse?

Would it surprise you to know that there are multiple ways most of us have damaging, subconscious, “it doesn’t count if . . .” or “if they loved me, they would . . .” expectations of our spouse? Let me share just two.

When He Has Downtime, A Man Would Rather Watch TV Than Listen To His Wife

Yeah. Gulp. To all the women reading this, take deep, calming breaths. This is a hard one to hear. I promise there’s encouragement soon, but first, in order to build a healthy and truly grateful understanding of men and marriage, we need to know the real deal.

Most men I have asked, have said that all else being equal, they would rather do a whole lot of other things to relax than listen to their wife. Watch TV, work out, play video games, read the latest news, etc. Listening in the way we women need (“Tell me all about it”) is important, but it doesn’t always come naturally for a guy. And it certainly isn’t relaxing at the end of a long day. It takes work. It takes intentionality.

So ladies, why is it hard to hear that our spouse has to make this effort? Well, because we’d much rather that he would just want to do it, right? Our subconscious thought is, “If he really loved me, he would love to listen!” We’d love for our life partner and best friend to be absolutely eager to hear about the issues in our lives and connect with us in that way. It’s disappointing – even a little sad – to hear that our man can love us but still need to force himself to ask how our day was. Not that he doesn’t care, but it has to be a habit that he develops.

Now, there are some exceptions to this, of course. But many of us have an expectation of wanting on his part that simply may not be realistic.

But guess what – we’re not the only one with an unrealistic expectation.

When She Heads For The Bedroom, She’s Willing – But She Doesn’t Necessarily Want You

Guys, your turn to take deep breaths. Your beautiful wife, whom you feel such desire for and can’t wait to tumble into bed with . . . probably doesn’t initially feel that sense of desire for you. (Unless, of course, she is the higher-desire spouse in the marriage, which is the case about 18% of the time.) Being intimate with you is important, so she is probably willing, but it isn’t necessarily something she’s thinking about. She isn’t giving the kids a bath or finishing up that work deadline and thinking, “Two more hours and I can rip his clothes off!” But because she knows it is important to you, she’s probably either open to it, or intentional about it.

Guys, I’ve talked to enough of you to know that that’s probably a bit hard to hear. Because you want your wife to just want you, right? Your subconscious thought might be, “It doesn’t count if she has to think about it!” Because you want your life partner and best friend to be absolutely eager to rip your clothes off and connect with you in that way. It’s disappointing, even a little sad, to hear that your wife can adore you but still need to make herself think about sex with you. Not that she doesn’t care, but it has to be a habit that she develops.

Now, there are some exceptions to this, as noted. But many of you have an expectation of wanting on her part that simply may not be realistic.

What Matters Is Not The Initial “Wanting,” But The Initial “Trying” – Because Our Spouse Cares

I know that for some of us, those parallel truths are a lot to process. But here’s the encouraging truth that we must always keep in mind. Our spouse’s willingness to try to do what matters to us – even if it doesn’t come naturally – should make us feel MORE loved and appreciated.

Once we see it that way, we can see that it is actually really lovely that your husband, who really doesn’t feel the same pull to listen as you do, is willing to try to do so. Or that your wife, who may not feel the same physical pull toward sex as you do, still wants to be with you. In both those cases, it is because of you and because of the relationship.

And the good news, thankfully, is that when each of us do step out and make that effort, our feelings will usually follow. He will get interested in what she is saying as they sit and talk in the kitchen, and she will get “in the mood” as she gets going in the bedroom.

Let me close with this. When Jeff and I first became aware of the need to confront these subconscious, unrealistic expectations, Jeff raised a really, really important point for all of us to consider in our marriages. I’ll leave you with his words.

We need to flip our thinking. The fact that neither spouse is naturally inclined to engage in the behavior that the other really needs, but they still try to do it, should make us MORE satisfied and MORE grateful. Because even though it is outside of my spouse’s inclination, they are doing it because they love me!

After all, is that not what God wants when it comes to Him? Our natural tendency is to want our own way, but He wants us to choose Him – even when we may not feel like it. He could have made us robots, but He gave us a choice about whether to love and worship Him.

And I’m wondering if that is just woven through the universe. Certainly, God could have designed a woman to just crave a man’s body and crave sex. And certainly, God could have designed a man to just crave to listen to his wife. But I think He wants both of us to CHOOSE the other person in an area that is really important for them, even if it is not as much of an inclination for us. And for it to become important to us, because it is important to them.

Enjoyed this article? Read Part 1 and Part 2 of the Sex & Conversation Series.

Find Christ-focused wonder in the midst of everyday life no matter what your situation might be. Pick up a copy of Shaunti’s latest devotional, Find Joy, available in major bookstores.

And check out her latest book (co-authored with her husband, Jeff), Thriving in Love and Money. Because you need a better relationship, not just a better budget.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post The Sex & Conversation Series, Part 3: “If My Spouse Loved Me, They Would WANT To Do What Warms My Heart!” appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Here’s How To Be Romantic All Year, Not Just On Valentine’s Day

I’m curious. What is your attitude each year when Valentine’s Day rolls around? Happy anticipation . . . or not so much? Many people look forward to a little extra romantic sweetness. But some people dread the day—singles who wish they were in a relationship, wives who feel disappointed year after year with a husband who doesn’t do much to mark the occasion, husbands who do their best to make their wives feel special but feel like their efforts never seem to hit the mark. Others are cynical about the whole notion—it’s just a money-making scheme by the greeting card and candy companies, right?

I’ll tell you my own personal bias: I’m not cynical about Valentine’s Day (I’m all for helpful reminders to purposefully be attuned to the one we love!), but I wish we could view February 14 not as the annual pinnacle of romance, but as a catalyst and jumping off point for year-round romance. After all—shouldn’t we be just as attuned to our mate’s needs in mid-May, early October and late December as we are on February 14?

How can you keep that awareness? Here are a few key tips from our research, for every-day actions and habits that will give you that Valentine’s Day sense of romance, all year long.

Remember that you may not naturally be as attuned to what your spouse most needs—or might be hurt by.

Because men and women tend to have different primary insecurities and needs, we often don’t realize that our spouse isn’t as moved by those “romantic” things that would touch our own hearts—and, worse, we sometimes don’t realize that we could actually be hurting our spouse in ways that seem minor to us. I’ll give you just one example.

Jeff and I recently spoke at a marriage conference and got into conversation with several couples about this exact topic. Interestingly, the consensus from the men was that their wives were great at being purposeful about what they (the wives) saw as the romantic aspects of marriage (date nights, candlelit dinners, heart-to-heart talks after the kids are in bed) but that they were not nearly as purposeful about how their day-to-day words and tone came across.

On the flip side, the consensus from the women was that men are often more aware of being cautious with their wife’s feelings in their words and tone but are less aware of the need for regular efforts to make her feel special.

Step up the type of romance that is most important to your spouse!

So guys, as a result, you probably need to step up your romantic game with efforts that say “love” to your wife, whether that means suggesting a regular date night out, or simply giving of your time. And here’s the encouragement: it doesn’t have to mean regularly arranging a big production. After all, she probably thinks its romantic when you simply put your arm around her in church! So don’t wait for the one day of the year that’s targeted to romance—build romantic gestures and words into the other 364 days of the year.

And ladies, you probably need to step up your romantic game in the words, tone and actions that say “love” to your husband, which most likely includes being sure to verbally affirm him in areas where he doubts himself (“I’m so proud of you for how you handled our daughter’s attitude this morning.” “Thanks for making my coffee. I feel so loved.”) That daily affirmation, respect and trust is his version of romance! (As is, as you might suspect, affirmation in the bedroom.) So be generous with him and build those actions and words into the other 364 days of the year.

So that’s my encouragement and challenge to all of us: Let’s resolve to celebrate the spirit of Valentine’s Day far beyond February 14. Let’s stay attuned to our spouse’s specific relationship needs and keep the romance going all year round!

Find Christ-focused wonder in the midst of everyday life no matter what your situation might be. Pick up a copy of Shaunti’s latest devotional, Find Joy, available in major bookstores.

Check out Shaunti’s latest book and Discussion Guide (co-authored with her husband, Jeff), Thriving in Love and Money. Because you need a better relationship, not just a better budget.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post Here’s How To Be Romantic All Year, Not Just On Valentine’s Day appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

An Update From The Team

Thank you all for praying for Shaunti! The surgery she had on Friday went well. It was longer than expected but they were able to not only do the lumpectomy but also address the hematoma on the other breast. The quick test of the tissue from the lymph nodes were benign—and while we won’t know 100% until the lab results come back in about 10 days, they’ve said the accuracy rate of the quick test is 96-97%. We’re counting it all as great news!

Shaunti’s experienced some nausea and pain but is home and feeling better every day. Her family is taking good care of her! Please continue to pray that she gets the rest she needs and that the lab results come back benign.

A Note From Shaunti:

Hi friends,

Thanks so much for all of your encouragement and your prayers. I am really doing well although still fatigued and managing the pain. But very, very grateful that we live in an age where being able to treat this cancer so well is possible. I’m going to be taking it easy for the next couple of days but we’ll be back up and posting blogs later this week. Also, Jeff and I will be heading to a speaking engagement on Friday so we’d appreciate your continued prayers for the recovery process to go smoothly.

The post An Update From The Team appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.