Shaunti Feldhahn's Blog, page 23

Praying For the People of Afghanistan and Haiti

Sometimes we have no words at the utter devastation and brokenness of the world. Often the pleas of our hearts sound more like moans for mercy for the innocent people caught up in violence and destruction than well-crafted prayers and blog posts.

Right now, the people of Afghanistan and Haiti are close to our hearts. And when the words won’t come, we turn to praying the scriptures over them, knowing our God is a big God and is close to the broken-hearted. We know He hears our prayers. We know He loves His people.

Join us in praying for the innocent people of Afghanistan and Haiti. Believe our God is with them. Oh, God, please protect and save them.

A prayer of Psalm 46

Dear God,

Be their refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore, they will not fear though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling.

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy habitation of the Most High. God, you are in the midst of her; she shall not be moved; you will help her when morning dawns.

The nations rage, the kingdoms totter; God, you utter your voice, the earth melts. You, the Lord of hosts are with them; O God of Jacob, be their fortress.

We come and behold your works, how you have brought desolations on the earth. You make wars cease to the end of the earth; you break the bow and shatter the spear; you burn the chariots with fire.

You tell us to “Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!”

Lord, you are with them; O God of Jacob, please be their fortress.

Amen

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5 Things Every Parent Needs to Know as Kids Go Back to School This Year

“Back to school” means something very different this year. After 18 months of disruption, most school districts are trying to get kids back to in-person learning in the classroom. Back to some semblance of normal. And yet . . . it is “normal” for us, not our kids. For them, one and a half years is a lifetime, developmentally. “Normal” has moved on.

For example, my son is a rising senior who is deep in the process of ACT studying and college applications. Starting this week, he will be back with people he has seen only on a video screen since he was a sophomore—before any of them could drive. During a time when the most long-term thought they had was whether the Track team would make the championships. (Answer: no. The championships were all cancelled.)  

Now, for him, thankfully the transition won’t be as jarring since his school offered both virtual and in-person learning. So the ratio of students he hasn’t physically seen in 18 months is low. But for many students around the country, the number is 100%.

And think about how developmentally different things are for our younger kids. For many middle schoolers, the last time they were in school they still had to walk in a line with a homeroom teacher and were in a social situation where everyone was relatively accepting of one another. How times will have changed.

Even crazier, our youngest kids will be back in a classroom environment they barely remember—or have no memory of at all.

Bottom line: in this back-to-school season, there are a lot of anxieties—and a lot of opportunities. As I ponder the research we’ve done with 3,000+ kids over the years, our ongoing interviews with kids today, and the other studies out there, here are five vitally important things to know.

There is a lot going on in our kids’ minds and hearts—and now more than ever it is essential to understand it.

“Getting inside the head of your kid” is the subtitle of our book For Parents Only, and now more than ever it is crucial to try to do exactly that.

A few days ago, I did a virtual parenting event for a church in New York City, where most kids have had zero in-person classroom learning since March 13, 2020. I explained that I am not a normal parenting expert who can help them understand top-down parenting techniques such as how to handle social media violations or establish dating rules. Instead, my narrow goal was to help these parents come alongside their kids during an incredibly tumultuous time. To see some of the hidden worries and hopes in their hearts, and use this time as an opportunity to speak to those and walk with them.

That’s my goal for us here, too. Because the truth is: there is a lot going on under the surface in our kids right now. And we have to be predisposed to go looking for it, since we may not see it otherwise.

Which leads to the second thing we need to know.

2. Our kids are facing an unprecedented level of anxiety.

The entire population has had an unprecedented spike in mental and emotional health issues—and the situation is most acute for kids. The ratio of adults with anxiety and other issues jumped from 11% in 2019 to 41% today.

But for our kids, the numbers started higher—and ended higher.

We don’t yet have a good apples-to-apples comparison, but as a rough overview, in 2019 22% of kids had clinically-significant anxiety or other mental/emotional health issues. Today, according to a survey of parents, the ratio is 59%.

The top issues for kids ages 2-18 were social isolation/loneliness, anxiety, trouble concentrating, and difficulty handling emotions. And those issues, among many others, are only those that are visible; those numbers don’t even include the hidden worries and fears in a child’s heart that aren’t visible on the surface.

Now, almost certainly, some of the parents’ concerns (some of that 59% number) likely wouldn’t rise to the level of a clinical diagnosis. But just as certainly, many parents probably aren’t noticing some things that a clinician would see. So it is quite likely that 6 in 10 kids are indeed going into this school year with one or more of these issues.

We as parents must be looking under the surface in our kids. Both so they know they are not alone, and so we can help them navigate the uniquely choppy waters of this time.

3. This particular back to school season is going to be a catalyst—for both challenges and opportunities.

In our research for For Parents Only we identified several often-hidden patterns inside our kids that are essential for parents to understand. And even during a normal year, the back-to-school season increases the intensity of these patterns.

This is not a normal year. Those patterns are likely to take some parents by surprise. But they don’t have to. And they don’t have to be problems, either—this time is just as likely to present opportunities! Opportunities for your child to grow into a strong young person and build character and resilience. And opportunities for you to build a greater connection with them.

Although we don’t have the space to identify all the ways this may play out, here are just two. (Get access to the virtual event I did with the NYC church for more detail!)

4. Freedom will be even more intoxicating—and there is a lot of pent-up demand for it.

Despite the overall anxiety level, most kids are eager for the opportunity to be back in a familiar environment, with a wider circle of friends and classmates, doing activities and sports, and learning in person. The older kids are also—let’s just say it—eager to get back a sense of distance from their parents. Even if they love their parents, our research found that kids love freedom too.

In fact, “love” isn’t really the right word. They are driven by it. As one adolescent psychotherapist told us, “Freedom is [like a drug] to a teenager. It’s intoxicating. It’s addictive. And it’s often their biggest motivator. They will do anything to get it, and they are terrified of losing it.”

The quest to be their own person and do what they want to do out from under the eyes of Mom and Dad is already one of the biggest motivators from the tween years until high school graduation. (That’s when they actually achieve that glorious freedom—and discover they aren’t quite as ready for it as they thought. But that’s a different topic!)

But given the restrictiveness of the last year and a half, I suspect there is even more demand for freedom today. And since kids’ brains aren’t fully developed yet, that could lead to some really foolish decisions. (“Really?! You truly thought no-one would mind if you hijacked the athletic director’s golf cart and sped down to the convenience store for sodas?”)

Even more than a normal year, we need to be watchful. But we alsoneed to be praying for wisdom about what is simply pent-up freedom foolishness, and what is a pent-up rebellious-heart issue that is being unleashed. Those need to be handled very differently. And if you can use this as an opportunity to come alongside your child, listen, and empathize with their desire for freedom (while still having necessary boundaries), you can learn a lot about what matters to the person your child is becoming.

Which leads to the last item on our list for the day.

5. Learning what “listening” means to your child is even more important.

We all want to listen to our kids. But during this back-to-school season, here’s a primer on what listening means to them.

It does not mean “listen to my problem.” It means “listen to my feelings about the problem.”

That does not come naturally to most parents. But the survey numbers were stark. Three out of four kids want to be able to share what is going on with their parents (“I can’t believe the coach isn’t playing me after all the work I did to get ready!”) but 81% want their parents’ first step to be purely listening to feelings (“I’m so sorry! What do the other players think? Tell me what your friends said. It sounds like you’re feeling a bit blindsided.)

After your child feels “heard” you can move to the second step of offering ideas and help if they want that. But for eight in ten kids (girls and boys!) they most want you to listen to how they are feeling about the problem. And we’ve seen that this “Step One” matters to even our youngest kids.

This year, as they go back to school, there will surely be a lot of stirred-up emotions. Both ones of positivity and excitement (being back with friends, having more breathing room) and ones of anxiety and stress (worries about how they will do, shutting down again, navigating a new social order). Let’s show our kids how much we value knowing what is going on in their hearts and minds, and by doing so build a connection that lasts long after this very unusual season.

Want to know more about how to come alongside your kids during this unique back to school season? Get access to Shaunti’s virtual August 2021 event on what every parent needs to know.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out our all-new online resource for Shaunti’s top research and teachings: SurprisingHope.com.

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

5 Things Every Parent Needs to Know as Kids Go Back to School This Yearby Shaunti Feldhahn When You’ve Found “The One” Go All Inby Shaunti Feldhahn Change The World With Kindness, One Person At A Timeby Shaunti Feldhahn Is Your Insecurity Making You a Controlling and Disconnected Spouse?by Shaunti Feldhahn Unplanned Pregnancies: Supporting Women by Involving Menby Shaunti Feldhahn

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When You’ve Found “The One” Go All In

Are you dating someone seriously and thinking of moving in together? Or already living with your significant other and considering marriage? You might be interested—or even surprised—to know that being married has significant benefits over living together.

In the research I’ve done over the past 20 years or so, I’ve heard from countless married couples that the promise they made to each other on their wedding day has carried them through both the joys and the struggles of “doing life together” as a married couple.

Their lifelong commitment provides a secure foundation for persevering through the valleys that are part of life. Without the option of seeking greener pastures when the going gets tough, their determination—and ability—to see those tough times through is stronger. And the perspective of a lifelong relationship allows them to savor the sweetness of their mountaintop experiences even more.

Other research echoes these benefits of marriage. A recent survey by the Pew Research Center compared some key aspects of happiness between married couples and those living together. The study found that marriage led to higher scores in the areas of trust and satisfaction.

How do these findings play out in real-world relationships? Let’s take a look.

Married couples are more trusting of their partners.

In the Pew study, one of the assessments asked participants to evaluate how much they trusted their partner to act in their best interest. Married adults scored higher in this area than those living together. I found a similar response in the research for my book, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages. Specifically, happily married couples answered that they wanted the best for their spouse almost 100% of the time. And even among the most struggling couples, 97 percent said they cared about their mates.

Knowing that your spouse cares about you and wants the best for you provides a foundation of trust that allows you to feel more secure in your relationship. Imagine that your significant other has taken a joke a bit too far and hurt your feelings, has offered advice on dealing with your testy boss that goes against your instincts, or has initiated a difficult conversation about your relationship. Being confident that as a spouse they truly have your best in mind can influence your attitude . . . and, as a result, both your emotional and your verbal reaction.

Married couples are more satisfied with their relationships.

The Pew study found that “about six-in-ten married adults (58%) say things are going very well in their marriage; 41% of cohabiters say the same about their relationship with their partner.”

My research for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages found that the happiest married couples are happy to a large degree because they took—and they keep taking—the risk to go all in on their relationship. They fully invest themselves in all kinds of ways—emotionally, financially, relationally—instead of holding back to protect themselves.

One husband we interviewed said, “I honestly was a little worried about the commitment. It felt like I was jumping off a cliff. But what I found is that being intentional makes committing easy. You’re taking one step at a time, so instead of the commitment being like jumping off the cliff, it’s more like walking a staircase. And this is going to sound so sappy, but my personal experience has been that it’s the stairway to heaven, so to speak.”

That staircase of commitment creates an environment that allows—that causes—the relationship to flourish.

Commitment creates contentment.

One researcher’s study inspired him to make a real-life commitment. Harvard professor Dan Gilbert studied a group of students who had taken two photographs and were given the option to only keep one. One group could not change their mind. Their selection was final—an unchangeable decision. The other group made a changeable decision—they could change their mind at any time and exchange their picture for the other photograph. Gilbert followed up and recorded their satisfaction about their decision. The results proved overwhelmingly that those who made decisions that could not be changed were more satisfied with their decision than those who wanted to keep their options open.

Commitment creates contentment.

A friend interpreted these results for Gilbert by comparing them to the difference in satisfaction between those living together (a changeable decision) and those that get married (an unchangeable decision). Gilbert was so impacted by the truth of the science and his friend’s correlation that he went home and proposed to his live-in girlfriend. Regarding his decision to marry, he said “I love her so much more now that we’re married, now that I can’t get out of this relationship no matter how fast I run. She is the love of my life, and I didn’t realize that when I was always thinking, should I stay or shouldn’t I stay. There’s a lot to say about making commitments.”

When you’ve found “the one,” go all in.

Similarly, another husband we interviewed, who was in a happy second marriage, said, “Keeping my options open leads to anxiousness because I am worrying about the what-ifs or ‘What am I missing?’ I’m unsettled. There’s an uncertainty, and that certainly leads to a lack of peace. Whereas if I’m all in, I’m committed; it makes it easy. There’s peace because that’s the only option. Knowing there’s an eject seat will always contribute to dissatisfaction . . . Many people don’t realize that commitment causes love. Causes passion. Today, I see it is a great thing.”

The benefits of going all in on your relationship and committing to marriage are clear from both a research standpoint and from the real-life perspective of married couples. Once you have decided that your significant other is “the one” for you, go all in. Commit fully. And experience the rewards—trust, security, satisfaction, and contentment—that the lifelong commitment of marriage will bring.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out our all-new online resource for Shaunti’s top research and teachings: SurprisingHope.com.

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

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Change The World With Kindness, One Person At A Time

Have you ever seen one of those amazing domino-toppling videos? An intricate pattern is set up and then the creator tips the first domino, beginning a dazzling display of movement, color, and pattern as all the dominos topple outward from that initial point. Visually, there is an incredible overall effect—but it all started with a single domino touching the one next to it, then that domino touching the one next to it, and so on.

Well, I’ve come to realize that we have the power of that first domino. The way we touch others every day has an impact (for good or ill) that ripples outward for a powerful widespread effect. Our actions and attitude can begin a chain reaction that creates beauty and harmony—or not so much. The impact reaches far beyond that one interaction.

We are all imperfect people, but I know we all want our impact to be positive and life-giving rather than the opposite. How do we do that?

In our research for The Kindness Challenge, we found that true kindness is a crucial “first domino” because it sets off an astounding chain reaction. In fact, kindness has a power to transform that is unparalleled in social science. The acts and attitudes of kindness change the essence of who we are…and then each of our relationships… and then everything around us. Like that first domino completely changes its environment, your kindness changes the world you live in.

Why is that? And how do we purposefully use it?

In today’s culture, our kindness is transformative

Can we agree that our world is in desperate need of change? We are becoming more harsh, more divided. We see a rise in “despair deaths”—alcoholism, drugs, and suicide. We’ve all bemoaned that incivility has reached epic proportions.

But our culture is not going to fix itself. Instead, we are sent by God to be that agent of change. He has given us His truth, His love, His kindness—and we are to be the potent presence that transforms everything around us.

And that means being willing to be an agent of change with—here’s the hard part—one person at a time.

There’s no such thing as engaging a culture. A culture is made of people. We engage with each individual person. Which means accepting Jesus’ mandate to truly love and treat with kindness that one person in front of us (the argumentative stepfather, the frustrating colleague, the needy friend) or that exasperating person we are debating online.

Jesus gives us no exceptions to this. We are not given permission to tweet back a cutting remark to someone who is spouting off damaging and untrue ideas. When that back-stabbing nemesis at work responds poorly and harshly to our proposal, we aren’t given a bit of leeway to badmouth him to our close colleagues. In fact, very much the opposite: We are particularly called to be kind when we most don’t want to be. (See Luke 6:27-36 as just one example.)

We can and should enforce boundaries, speak the truth, and advocate for what we believe in—but we never have the excuse to be unkind while we are doing it. Being unkind sets off the opposite domino effect—one that rarely achieves what we are going for.

Bottom line—we have to make a purposeful effort to truly be in the world (engaging even the difficult situations) without being of the world (without ever being difficult ourselves).

And when we do this, according to our national research study, here’s how those one-on-one choices will change our culture’s deep patterns of hurt.

Our kindness transforms us

The most important aspect of intentional kindness is not what it does for others, but how it changes us. We suddenly see our own “kindness blindness”—those areas we were impatient, irritated, sarcastic, defeatist or distracted that we simply didn’t notice before! Sometimes that blindness even extends to unkindness towards ourselves. And being gracious to others can echo back to us in unexpected, powerful ways.

One friend of mine has made it a habit to say hello to the people she crosses paths with on her morning run. As an introvert, it’s not her natural inclination by any means, but she chooses to make the effort. It is one simple little way of purposefully projecting kindness into a needy world. Some people respond, some don’t, and my friend could be excused for wondering if such a fleeting interaction was making any actual impact.

One young woman she regularly passed on her trail run seemed like an example of a lost cause: she always had her head down and never made eye contact… but time after time, my friend said hello anyway.

One day in the parking lot afterwards, my friend was shocked to see that young woman coming toward her. She introduced herself and poured out her story—she had been laid off, was looking for a new place to live, and was using running to help herself through it all. She thanked my friend and said her constant encouragement had really mattered to her, even though she had never shown it before now.

As you can imagine—my friend was herself encouraged and emboldened by hearing this. Both women were impacted by the most basic choice to step outside a comfort zone and simply say hello.

Kindness sets off a chain reaction

As we become more aware of being less critical and more grateful on a day-to-day basis, others around us change. Because kindness has a way of becoming the salve for many wounds. Determined caring for that difficult colleague can touch that person’s heart in a way that nothing else will.

Kindness starts a chain reaction. It replicates itself. It goes viral. In a beautiful, miraculous way, it spreads by transforming those it touches so they become carriers and pass it along.

We tested an initiative called the 30-Day Kindness Challenge that has since spread around the world. And two-thirds of participants described seeing the person they were being kind to suddenly become more gentle, caring, and attentive to others, themselves!

The people doing the 30-Day Kindness Challenge realized that they had become a sort of super-carrier: they were spreading kindness in all directions without really intending to.

Although popular culture is fascinated by stories of overnight success, our world sees far more monumental change as the byproduct of consistent small activity. Great canyons are formed by the persistence of tiny creeks. Masses of people wake up to great evils through the determined pursuit of justice by a few.

The domino pattern is created by one domino at a time doing its part to create a design that has a spectacular big-picture impact. And unlike carving a canyon, kindness dominoes often spread change with an almost astonishing rapidity. I cannot count the dozens and dozens of stories I have personally heard of those who did the 30-Day Kindness Challenge for a mother-in-law or a colleague who had been difficult for years only to see a profound transformation begin within just a few weeks!

We have the power to influence everyone we interact with

We’re all remarkably influenced by the culture around us, living and breathing certain attitudes that then become our own. We pick up certainly beliefs largely because of what others around us think. That is the power of influence.

Well, God says we have it too—with everyone we touch.

We are influencing others. We can subtly contribute to the subconscious negativity and dissatisfaction that exist in our culture. Or we can touch every person we meet with kindness, setting off a domino effect that ripples out to transform our world—one person at time.

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This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out our all-new online resource for Shaunti’s top research and teachings: SurprisingHope.com.

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Change The World With Kindness, One Person At A Timeby Shaunti Feldhahn Is Your Insecurity Making You a Controlling and Disconnected Spouse?by Shaunti Feldhahn Unplanned Pregnancies: Supporting Women by Involving Menby Shaunti Feldhahn 4 Reasons Why Wives Can Feel Insecureby Shaunti Feldhahn Let’s Take Steps to Be Together in Communityby Shaunti Feldhahn

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Is Your Insecurity Making You a Controlling and Disconnected Spouse?

Is Your Insecurity Making You a Controlling and Disconnected Spouse?

A woman who I will call Kristin told me that her husband Dan seemed to be slowly slipping away—but as she explained the situation, it was clear that there was far more going on than just a bit of distance in the relationship.

For a few years, she and Dan had been juggling a lot of work and family obligations and always going in opposite directions. Most of their conversations began centering around logistics—who was going to get which kid where, how the SUV was going to get to the dealership for servicing, who was going to pick up dinner. Way too often, patience ran low and tensions ran high.

But those tensions were complicated by a few issues at work. Kristin knew Dan loved her, but he also loved his job and was highly respected and well-liked there. When things were off at home, she knew he felt appreciated at the office. In fact, she had been wondering if a female co-worker of his who seemed just a little too friendly might be interested in him.

Dan worked with this woman only occasionally, and deep down Kristin knew he would never do anything inappropriate. But she couldn’t help feeling like he was at a point in life where the pressures of home and family could make outside interests more appealing. So she started checking up on him to find out where he was, what he was doing, and who he was talking to. If he was having to work late, she asked who he was working late with. And in the rare instances that it was this female colleague, she would ask him to relay everything they had talked about.

By the time she told me about the situation, it was clear that her marriage was starting to have the life squeezed out of it. She knew a lot of the reason was probably because of her controlling behavior, but she didn’t know how to change.

Have you ever been where Kristin is? Feeling insecure in your marriage not because of anything inappropriate your spouse has done (that is an entirely different situation that will need to be covered in a different article), but because life is drawing you apart and you have resorted to hurtful behavior as you try to hold on? Unfortunately, that attempt to control everything can end up pushing away those we love most. It’s a vicious and maddening cycle, but you can get out of it.

If you see yourself in Kristin’s example, here are five key ways to do that.

Solution #1: Seek counseling to help stop a dangerous trend

Depending on your level of insecurity, and the behavior it’s triggering, you might need advice and help from a qualified counselor. And that means help for you, not just your marriage. To some degree, feelings of insecurity are understandable . . . but you may be at a point where you are bringing about the very problems you fear.

If that is the case, it is essential to seek qualified help to work through that insecurity, so you don’t allow it to drive you further into unhealthy worries and actions. I told Kristin that a counselor could also be an objective voice to figure out whether the situation with the female colleague was or wasn’t an issue worth being concerned about. In Kristin’s case, she eventually acknowledged, the worry was all in her head. Her husband had done nothing to cause a red flag and was always transparent—and yet it didn’t put Kristin’s mind at rest. She was going deeper and deeper into controlling behavior that was itself causing real marriage issues.

She needed a counselor to help her arrest that cycle. And if you, too, realize that there is no external reason for your insecurity and you need to make a change, a counselor can help you with that.

Like Kristin, perhaps you are letting your thoughts run away with you for no reason. If so, it is essential to learn the skill of taking your thoughts captive. As the Bible puts it, a huge part of confronting problems in this broken world means that “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” (You can find that in 2 Corinthians 10:5.)

A good counselor can help you do all of that. 

Solution #2: Make spending time together a high priority

Couples that find themselves drifting apart need to solve their lack of togetherness.

When you have kids, work, and crazy schedules, it’s just too easy to lead separate lives, become distant, and find your friendship with each other weakening. And when friendship and closeness wanes, so does trust and indulgence for each other’s foibles. Resentment can grow—and so can the desire to be close with someone, whether that means the kids, church friends, or workout buddies. But the more you spend time with the kids or other friends and less time with your spouse, the less you’ll simply like each other.

So as I detailed in another article, if you are finding yourself distant from your spouse, it is crucial to spend time together just hanging out and rebuilding your friendship. I would strongly suggest that you read that piece, as we’ve seen in our studies that that one factor is highly protective and important.

Solution #3: Choose to believe the best of your spouse’s intentions

In my research, the happiest couples clearly made a deliberate decision to believe the best about each other’s intentions. Do you believe your spouse cares for you? If so, make sure you’re acting like it.

If you’re like Kristin, an unusual level of control and effort to keep tabs on your man (especially if you truly have no reason to suspect him) is a signal to him (and you) that you believe the worst of him, not the best.

Allowing insecurity to run away with us also makes us blind to or dissatisfied with the positive things our spouse does for us. Maybe your husband tries to do things to show his love for you, but you convey rejection because he doesn’t do exactly what you’d like him to do, exactly when you’d like him to do it. A person can only be rejected so many times before the effort starts to seem like a waste. So the more you send the message that his best isn’t good enough, the less he’s likely to give of himself. The less you trust him, the more you’re going to suspect that his every move is nefarious. The more often you reject him, the less he’s going to stick his neck out for you. Again, it’s a vicious cycle—but you can break it!

Solution #4: Understand your spouse’s own inner insecurities

There are a few absolutely crucial things about your man’s inner needs that you may not understand and need to learn. Perhaps most important, in For Women Only I explain just how much men want to be a good husband, but doubt themselves.

This means that your controlling behavior is actually sending a far more dangerous message, emotionally, than just signaling that his effort is going to waste. It is also telling him that he’s incompetent and inadequate, which are probably his most painful feelings by far.

Although it certainly isn’t healthy, it is understandable that a man might want to escape those painful feelings in favor of interactions with people who do think he’s adequate.

So instead of letting your own insecurity trigger his own, focus on doing the reverse: create a home that your husband would never want to escape! Men light up when they think people admire, appreciate, trust, and respect them. If you want to make your marriage thrive, show your husband that you are his biggest admirer.

Solution #5: Take practical steps to deal with your insecurities—and enjoy the rewards of a happy marriage

What practical steps would make a difference for you? For example, if you find yourself “checking up,” how can you change that to “checking in” in a way that will build the relationship with your spouse instead of tearing it down?

In Kristin’s case, she started touching base with Dan periodically during the workday without an ulterior motive or logistical need—to just say hi or share some encouragement. They also agreed that they needed to spend more time together just connecting, so they placed a cut-off on discussing family logistics after 9 p.m. They prioritized putting some fun activities for just the two of them on their shared calendar, with no kids invited.

With more quality connecting time, Kristin found her attitude changing and her emotions settling. With that and the help of counseling to deal with the underlying insecurity, the vicious cycle gradually lost its grip.

So what steps would break the power of an unhealthy cycle of insecurity for you? Negative habits aren’t always easy to break, but it can be done—and it is so worth it! And as you deal with your insecurities—both the emotions you experience and any harmful behaviors they may be triggering—you are far more likely to truly build and enjoy a healthy, happy marriage.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out our all-new online resource for Shaunti’s top research and teachings: SurprisingHope.com.

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

Is Your Insecurity Making You a Controlling and Disconnected Spouse?by Shaunti Feldhahn Unplanned Pregnancies: Supporting Women by Involving Menby Shaunti Feldhahn 4 Reasons Why Wives Can Feel Insecureby Shaunti Feldhahn Let’s Take Steps to Be Together in Communityby Shaunti Feldhahn How NOT to Make Things Worse When We’re Angryby Shaunti Feldhahn

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Unplanned Pregnancies: Supporting Women by Involving Men

Recently, a woman told me about her adult daughter’s ordeal when she found herself unmarried and pregnant at the age of 21. The young woman wanted to keep the baby but the father had split; she was scared and she didn’t know where to turn. The mother was supportive, but in the end that wasn’t the factor that led to her daughter’s decision to keep and raise the child.

What made the biggest difference? This young woman had reconnected with an old boyfriend. He said the words her heart was longing to hear: “I will be there for you.” They moved in together (and later got married), and when the baby was born, he stepped in as the child’s father figure. Which was just as important for the heart of the mom as for the child.

For several years I’ve been looking at the research on how to help a very vulnerable community that is often overlooked and invisible: women who are unexpectedly pregnant, worried, and unsure about how on earth they could carry and care for a baby. And I want to raise one potential solution that is radically simple, extremely important, and very, very overlooked today: actively involving men.

An important way of helping vulnerable women

You may wonder why I’m spending time on this topic, as it could seem far afield from the usual marriage, family, parenting, thriving-in-life topics that I often tackle.

But it’s not really. From a big-picture, societal perspective, it is vital that we grapple with how to encourage men to step up rather than discouraging them, since male engagement is usually life-changing for any family. And from a more personal perspective . . . I can guarantee that you know more of these vulnerable women than you think you do. They are your friends at church. Or your friends’ daughters. They are your colleagues at the office. Your neighbors. Your family members.

The thing is many of them don’t look vulnerable. Many women facing unplanned pregnancies don’t share their situation except perhaps with the father of the baby and a few close allies—which means they are often navigating a scary life crisis and a big decision under time pressure, feeling somewhat alone. And many of these women do not want an abortion—they want to be able to keep the child or place the baby for adoption with a caring family. Many of these women are married. Yet the strong tide of worry or fear, our culture, financial pressures, and a lack of hope can pull them in a direction they do not want to go. They need a support structure that is super-practical—but also emotional. And strongly involving men accomplishes both.

From both a big-picture perspective and a very personal one, those of us who care about serving these women and these babies need to also be those who cast that vision.

A vision for serving the family

For the last few years, I have been on the Board of Directors of Care Net, a national organization with a network of nearly 1,200 affiliated pregnancy centers. These centers and thousands of others have long offered very practical and emotional support to pregnant women. But in the last decade, many of these pregnancy centers have come to see the importance of supporting not just the woman but the father and the family.

As I’ve looked at the research and spoken with those who work with these often-overlooked, in-need women, I’ve seen just how crucial it has become to bring this solution into the light and make it mainstream: When a woman is facing an unplanned pregnancy, work to involve the man in her life as one of the most important ways of supporting her. Make it standard.

That means, if you’re a friend or family member bringing emotional support or care, reach out and pull the man into the conversation regularly. (“Marissa, can we take you and Paul out to dinner and talk about how we can support you?”) If you’re a pregnancy center leader, actively, deliberately, do what is necessary to welcome and enlist the father of the child and/or the woman’s current romantic partner—as long as it appears that the man is a person of reasonable health and goodwill toward this woman and this baby. Ask him to come to the ultrasound appointment, enroll him as a client of the center, and give him support and encouragement, too!

The results can be powerful—because of both the practical and emotional support that arises from it. The leader who has for years been the Vice President of Center Services and Client Care at Care Net, Cindy Hopkins, put it very well in a recent conversation: “What we see is that both the mother and father need the help of someone who casts vision. Who shows them hope. A way forward. That’s who our centers are. They are vision-casters and hope builders.”

“More interested than we give them credit for”

Here’s the reason this is so crucial: Our culture has pushed men further and further out of the picture when there is an unplanned pregnancy, telling them not only that they can’t have a say, but that they shouldn’t have a say. And yet, Care Net surveys of women find that the single most influential person in her decision about the pregnancy (whether to terminate or not) is usually the father of the child. Which is often something he welcomes, as well. As Lisa Hogan, the Executive Director of one leading pregnancy center in Birmingham, AL, also told me recently, “Men are more interested than we give them credit for.”

It is not politically correct to say so today, but in our research over the years, it is clear that most men have an innate desire (and, I would say, a calling) to provide for and protect their woman and their child. But decades of pushing men away and telling them they have no rights and no say in this situation, has meant asking men to suppress and deny one of the most basic, most beautiful parts of their nature. Essentially, society has asked men to check out. And many men have, unfortunately, taken society up on it.

Now, I should note that the father isn’t always the right person to be the woman’s partner. But he may still have a role to play as a means of emotional and physical support. Not long ago I was talking about this with a man named Steve Longenecker, who has for years coordinated fatherhood programs at pregnancy centers. He pointed out, “When we actually meet with the man directly, either one-on-one or with the woman, we are saying, ‘He’s important in the life of this child. If he’s not important in your life, that’s one thing, but he’s important to the child.’ That says, ‘His voice matters.’ . . . Some men will say ‘I want to keep the child.’ We ask, have you told her? He’ll say, ‘No. It’s whatever she wants.’ Well, in our country it is legal for her to have an abortion, but I want to give you a voice to let her know how you feel about that. You can’t legally change it, but she may want to hear your voice.’ Especially since the Care Net research shows that he is the one she is mostly listening to.”

Giving men a voice is a crucial step in engaging those who might otherwise check out. Because although this will certainly not apply to everyone, I have personally seen that many women are longing for a man to check in. To step up. To be responsible. To be there. To be the one who says the words she is longing to hear: “I will be there for you.” That is what will give so many more women the hope and the vision for how she can get through this scary, confusing, beautiful season of carrying this baby and then either caring for the child or giving him or her up for adoption.

Don’t get me wrong: you as a friend or family member, or you as a pregnancy center staff member or volunteer, can be a huge, huge help. You can and will in many cases make all the difference. But there’s someone else who can make all the difference, too, and right now, he may have checked out or be wavering on the margins. It’s time to enlist men and show them that they are needed. They are wanted. And to please check back in.

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4 Reasons Why Wives Can Feel Insecure

“Honey . . . are we OK?” Lowell’s wife had that hesitancy in her voice and worry in her eyes again. Whenever she asked him that question, Lowell wondered what he might have done wrong. From his point of view, things were going great in their marriage. He loved his wife dearly and couldn’t imagine what would ever cause her to doubt that. But she still seemed to need constant reassurance that their relationship was all right.

The question was aimed at him frequently enough that he was actually starting to wonder himself if they really were OK. Because he couldn’t figure out what was going on in her mind. And if she was having doubts about their marriage, there really must be something wrong.

For many husbands—maybe for you—this puzzling question appears to come out of nowhere. But my research and interviews for my book For Men Only shed some light on the mystery. The “are we OK” question from women is all about security.

There are definite reasons wives keep checking in on the state of their marriage relationship. And it’s important to be aware of these four things that might be causing your wife’s feelings of insecurity.

Conflict Between You

For most guys, conflict is just conflict; it is fairly easy to put it out of your head and focus on whatever you’re doing that day. But for most women . . . not so much. In my research for For Men Only, one woman explained it this way: “A lot of desperate feelings surface when I feel like my husband is displeased with me. I know it sounds old-fashioned, and I’m a pretty independent person, but it still really affects me.” Another woman told me, “When we’re at odds, it’s like nothing is right with the world until that is resolved.” Guys: she needs your reassurance that you still love her and you’ll get through this just fine.

When You Withdraw

When you are faced with conflict or you feel angry or inadequate, you may retreat into silence to process, avoid saying something hurtful, or even escape unpleasant feelings for a time. But for the woman in your life, your withdrawal typically generates more anxious emotions. As one woman explained the feeling, “I know it sounds crazy, but I really do subconsciously wonder, ‘What happens if he doesn’t snap out of it this time?’” Guys, before you get some cave time, tell her “I’m angry and need some space, but I want you to know we’re OK.”

Your Silence

Women have a radar for unspoken conflict. When you are quieter than usual, it’s easy for your wife to jump to conclusions—even if those conclusions might be wrong. As one woman described it, “If he’s quiet, it must be me.” Guys, if you’re sitting in silence because you’re pondering the blowup at work, your parents’ health, or that awful turnover in the game Saturday, tell her. Better yet—talk to her about it. (“I’m not mad, don’t worry. I’m just concerned about work. Joe said something about this one client . . .”)

A Depleted Emotional Bank Account

Maybe she’s exhausted or you’ve been absent a lot. Maybe the two of you have unresolved conflicts. Whatever the case (and even if it has nothing to do with you), concerns about your relationship will be more easily triggered if her emotional reserves are low. Ask her about her feelings, listen with interest as she shares, give her a big hug and tell her how special she is to you. That will help fill her emotional bank account back up again. Husbands, when you find yourself hearing the “are we OK” question, respond to your wife’s insecurities with patience and care. Be aware of these four possible causes for her concerns. Provide the reassurance she needs. And your relationship will be a whole lot more than “OK.”

This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out our all-new online resource for Shaunti’s top research and teachings: SurprisingHope.com.

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

4 Reasons Why Wives Can Feel Insecureby Shaunti Feldhahn Let’s Take Steps to Be Together in Communityby Shaunti Feldhahn How NOT to Make Things Worse When We’re Angryby Shaunti Feldhahn What Daughters Need To Hear From Their Dadsby Shaunti Feldhahn Here’s What Your Man Is Really Thinkingby Shaunti Feldhahn

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Let’s Take Steps to Be Together in Community

We’re all a little fuzzy on how to reengage with the world around us as we come out of quarantine, wouldn’t you agree? We’re starting to see people face-to-face again, and while we can all laugh as we remind ourselves how to have “in real life” relationships (rather than Zoom ones!), we need to be honest with ourselves that we tend to be creatures of independence. Even without a pandemic. As in, it’s easy for us not to immerse ourselves in community and be vulnerable. It’s easy for us not to reach out and ask for help. Who likes to feel like they can’t handle their own life and problems?

But not being in community is a main reason why we have so much stress in our lives. I hear from people all the time who feel completely burned out and weary. And as I listen to their stories, I see the same theme. Without even realizing it, we can end up being isolated or lonely—even if we do not think of ourselves that way!

We have to do a radical rethink. Most likely, the last thing you want is to be isolated. Here are two very common ways you might be isolating yourself without realizing it—and what to do about it:

1. Letting A Busy Schedule Take Over Instead Of Putting Yourself In Community

We are all busy. I have two busy kids, a busy husband, and I have speaking engagements and book deadlines. My plate not only feels full but overflowing. So what suffers? Getting together with friends; prioritizing our church connect group. “Sorry, we weren’t able to be there tonight. Or last week. Or the month before that.”

But we were not created to do life alone. After all, according to how the biblical book of Genesis describes it, God looked at all of his creation and said, “it is good,” with one exception: it was absolutely not good for man to be alone. So God made someone with whom he could do life. Then, in the first recorded small group, he himself walked in the garden with the man and his wife.

Scientists have found that when we don’t do life with others, we are at higher risk of everything from depression to cancer. Over and over in the Bible, God stresses that He designed us to love and support each other. We are directed (not asked) to live in community with other followers of Christ. That means we have to prioritize community and work everything else around it if at all possible!

2. Not Asking For Help

Community doesn’t have to mean always being in harmony. It means simply sharing life together: not just offering support but asking for it when it is needed. It means treating your community as if they are true family.

When I was living in Boston, a pastor shared a story about good friends who had moved to California. One night at 3:00 am, the pastor and his wife were awakened with an urgent phone call from their friends, asking for prayer. Raging wildfires were threatening their home and community. From their window they could see the glow of thousands of acres burning, the fire advancing quickly as they raced to evacuate their home. The pastor and his wife got out of their bed and knelt on the cold floor, praying urgently for an hour for the protection of their friends, their home, and everyone in the area.

In the end, although the fire consumed thousands of acres and several neighborhoods, the broader community—and their friends’ house—was spared.

The homeowner called the pastor and thanked him profusely for being a true friend. The pastor answered, “No. Thank you.  You were the one being a true friend. You thought enough of our friendship that you were willing to wake us up in the middle of the night to ask us to pray. You were good enough friends that you were willing to ‘inconvenience’ us.”

Are you good enough friends with someone that you are willing to “inconvenience” them and share your struggles and ask for help? So often, we can see the fires of financial crisis, health issues or kids’ rebellion on the horizon. We pray and pray. God wants us to call on Him, of course! But God has also created community for us to call on—even in the middle of the night. That is what God has designed for you.

If you do not have a community of people like that around you, decide that this week is the week you will start to make that a reality. It has to be authentic, and it probably won’t happen all at once. But start to invite others over for a backyard barbeque. Inquire into that small group at church. Make friends. Be vulnerable. And be willing to not just offer help—but to ask for it.

In the end, your willingness to do both of these things will be a blessing for you and those around you!

This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out our all-new online resource for Shaunti’s top research and teachings: SurprisingHope.com.

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

Let’s Take Steps to Be Together in Communityby Shaunti Feldhahn How NOT to Make Things Worse When We’re Angryby Shaunti Feldhahn What Daughters Need To Hear From Their Dadsby Shaunti Feldhahn Here’s What Your Man Is Really Thinkingby Shaunti Feldhahn When the Enemy is Attacking Your Marriage – Ashley Willisby Shaunti Feldhahn

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How NOT to Make Things Worse When We’re Angry

Who hasn’t gotten a little steamed at someone recently? Maybe it’s the way someone always leaves the cabinet doors open. Or the gas tank empty. Or interrupts you in the staff meeting. Or cuts you off in traffic. And then jump on any social media platform and you’ll have plenty of opportunities to feel the anger rising … it’s understandable! But is that any way to live? There is a better way!

While doing research for The Kindness Challenge, I realized something important: when we are angry, most of us handle it wrong! Here are four ways to keep ourselves from losing our cool and then making things worse:

1. In advance, realize: “venting” adds more fuel to the fire! Most of us have bought into the idea that letting a little steam out of the kettle now prevents it from exploding later, right? And taking a few minutes to vent to or about your spouse, child, boss, or that annoying social media post just feels quite satisfying when we have steam pouring out of our ears.  The problem is, it turns out, it hurts instead of helps.

Neuroscientists such as Dr. Brad Bushman at Ohio State have discovered that actually expressing the anger we feel further activates an interconnected anger system in the brain and makes the kettle boil that much more. So while we can certainly express anger any time we want to, the question is whether we should if we want to keep our temper in check and preserve a relationship, a job, or our sanity.

2. Instead of “letting off steam,” remove yourself from the heat. If we’re boiling and don’t want to be, the researchers suggest the equivalent of putting the lid on tight and removing the pot from the heat. When we decide to be calm (see below), it is the equivalent of smothering the anger and denying it oxygen to burn. And when we remove or distract ourselves from whatever is making us furious, we find our anger cooling off until, in many cases, we’re simply not angry anymore.

So when your co-worker expresses frustration that the boss made everyone work late last night, instead of chiming in with the “Yeah, and guess what else?!” additional grievances, calmly say “Yep, that was frustrating. So about these quarterly numbers…” And if the other person persists, excuse yourself, go back to your cube, and force yourself to think something more healthy. Like what else you were working on. Or that dream Caribbean vacation.

(One hint for husbands or boyfriends, though: given what we discovered in our research about how women are wired, if you have to remove yourself from an emotional conflict, be sure to reassure your wife or girlfriend that you two are okay and you’ll be able to talk about it later.  That gives her the reassurance of your love that she needs to give you space without simmering and venting, herself.)

3. Before you speak, pause. So how do you manage to respond “calmly” to your coworker (or spouse, or in laws…) when you’re just as mad as he or she is? Here’s the answer: force yourself to pause for a few seconds before you reply. Seriously. That allows your will to catch up with your roiling emotions, so you can decide to handle your words well. (If I reply to this now, it’s only going to make it worse. Best to ask if we can continue this conversation at 1:30.) More important, if you’re a person of faith, it also gives God a chance to touch your heart and steer your reply before you forge ahead with guns blazing, and cause casualties you’ll regret later.

So when you’re worried about your son’s progress in school and seven shades of upset that your husband didn’t agree to hire a tutor to help him, force yourself to pause and get your thoughts together before you speak. “Think before you speak” is one of the earliest lessons we teach our kids, and yet sometimes we forget it as adults. We need to relearn that skill, especially when it comes to those relationships that are most important to us.

4. Apologize. Since we will not always do it right, despite all those strategies, we also need to practice apologies each and every time they are needed. “I’m sorry, honey. I know you care about Billy, and I shouldn’t have ever implied that you didn’t. Will you forgive me?” You don’t need to necessarily agree (“Maybe this weekend we could talk more specifically about why I think a tutor is so important, and how we can get the money to pay for it”) but you do need to apologize.

This is in part because our research with the happiest relationships found that we need to keep short accounts, be willing to make up, and always ask for forgiveness when we have wronged someone else—regardless of whether they have wronged us too. But also, because if we know we’re going to have to apologize if we let our temper run away with us, we’ll be far less likely to do it next time! Tell yourself venting will make it worse. Remove yourself from the frustrating situation or focus on something else. Pause to let your ability to make a good choice catch up with you. And apologize if you don’t. Try those simple actions for just a few weeks and you’ll find yourself handling difficult emotions in a way that makes a big difference in your relationships.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out our all-new online resource for Shaunti’s top research and teachings: SurprisingHope.com.

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

How NOT to Make Things Worse When We’re Angryby Shaunti Feldhahn What Daughters Need To Hear From Their Dadsby Shaunti Feldhahn Here’s What Your Man Is Really Thinkingby Shaunti Feldhahn When the Enemy is Attacking Your Marriage – Ashley Willisby Shaunti Feldhahn Why Teenage Boys Should Be Courageous and Ask the Girl Out!by Shaunti Feldhahn

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What Daughters Need To Hear From Their Dads

“There’s something like a line of gold thread running through a man’s words when he talks to his daughter, and gradually over the years it gets to be long enough for you to pick up in your hands and weave into a cloth that feels like love itself.” —John Gregory Brown

Dads—you’ve been there for first words, first steps, first stumbles. You’ve been there to mend the skinned knees and give out hugs. You’ve attended the ballet recitals, softball tournaments, and gone on late-night ice cream runs. You’ve helped study for exams, dried tears from first break-ups… you’ve been there.

And we know how much you love your precious daughter. But there’s something you might not know: just how much your daughter needs to hear it! In the research with teens and preteens for For Parents Only, I found that these several key phrases have a lot more impact on the heart of a girl than you might think. And as you’ll see, they are especially powerful and important when coming from a father.  

Here are four crucial things daughters need to hear from their dads:

#1: “I Love You, Sweetheart.”  

Until she is married, you are the main guy in your daughter’s life. This gives you a special responsibility: countering the little voice inside the head of most girls (95%) and women (80%) that secretly wonders “Am I loveable?” Where you as a man probably have a little voice that asks “Do I measure up?” you might be shocked by how much your daughter doubts whether she is worth being loved and accepted by those around her. And feeling loved by a man is one of the main ways girls tend to look for an answer to that question. So as you hug her, affirm her and tell her just how loved and loveable she is! It is far less likely she’ll feel the need to go looking for love in all the wrong places.

#2: “You’re Beautiful.”  

Just as girls doubt that they are lovable, they really doubt that they are lovely. We women can be really hard on ourselves. We see all our flaws. And every magazine rack your daughter passes screams at her that how she looks is not enough. Your daughter needs to see evidence that she is beautiful, and the most healthy, human evidence of that at this time in her life is getting that verbal affirmation from you. When she comes in dressed for school, tell her she looks great. If you need to ask her to adjust her attire, make sure she knows you think she is beautiful regardless. Even consider taking her shopping every now and then. She will love seeing you light up when she presents herself in a way that lights her up.

#3: “I’m So Proud Of You.”  

You like to hear this phrase. Your daughter does, too. The years daughters are living at home involve lots of hard work, growing, and trying to find their way. We found in the research that all our kids (girls and boys) don’t have a clear roadmap for who they are and how they should handle life, school, relationships and everything else. They often feel like they are flailing around trying to figure it out. And there is an immense relief when a parent says they are proud of them (“Whew, I did something right!”).This is vital from any parent figure but it is very clear from our interviews and surveys that God has given it a special weight of authority when coming from a father. Don’t skimp on this phrase!

#4: “I’m Always Here For You—Even When You Make Mistakes.”  

You may not always have to say this out loud (although you should do that too!) but you do need to show it. As noted, our boys and girls won’t always do it right. They will mess up, not work hard enough, make wrong choices, and suffer the consequences. And they need to know that you are there with them through those consequences. This is key for girls and boys, but for a girl, when a father is angry or disappointed and seems to withdraw, she emotionally translates that as if he’s saying, “I don’t love you right now.” That is not at all what you’re saying but that is what she’s hearing. So when she drives recklessly, despite all your efforts to teach safe driving, let her suffer the consequences of having to go to court—but show her that you will stand beside her throughout it and that you are there for her no matter what.

We all know there’s nothing like the bond between fathers and daughters. And knowing the words that truly reach your daughter’s heart (and using them often) is a gift you can give that will last a lifetime.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Check out our all-new online resource for Shaunti’s top research and teachings: SurprisingHope.com.

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

What Daughters Need To Hear From Their Dadsby Shaunti Feldhahn Here’s What Your Man Is Really Thinkingby Shaunti Feldhahn When the Enemy is Attacking Your Marriage – Ashley Willisby Shaunti Feldhahn Why Teenage Boys Should Be Courageous and Ask the Girl Out!by Shaunti Feldhahn Recognize Your Man’s Romantic Intent When He Wants to Do Things Togetherby Shaunti Feldhahn

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