Shaunti Feldhahn's Blog, page 24

Here’s What Your Man Is Really Thinking

Rachel had hurt her husband Nathan’s feelings and she didn’t even know how. She just knew he was upset. After the kids were in bed, she asked again what was wrong. Nathan finally admitted that she hurt his feelings when she pointed out some flaws in the painting job he had just finished in their son’s bedroom.

Rachel felt like he was magnifying a few offhand comments and she was sure he knew how much she appreciated him fitting the task into their busy family’s life. But the feedback that echoed in Nathan’s mind and heart was her criticism of a project he was happy to finally complete. Their different interpretations of one conversation had created a disconnect in understanding and emotion.

Have you experienced similar disconnects with your man? In my research with thousands of men for For Women Only, I discovered that the things that light men up—and the things that hurt them—are quite different from those that would do the same for us women. And while we know men are indeed visual and many times “external” in their thinking, there are actually much deeper areas of a man than we might realize.

This means that if we want to improve our relationship with the man we love, we must be willing to learn. We must set aside what we think we know about him and see our man for who he really is on the inside.

Here are four secret inner thoughts that are going on inside your man’s mind and heart.

He Wonders If He Measures Up

Men and women each have a burning question inside of them—but the two questions are very different. For women, the question goes like this: “Am I loveable, beautiful, and worthy of being loved?” Our question doesn’t go away just because we get married. This is why it’s painful for us when we are in an emotional conflict with our man and he shuts down and withdraws. It triggers our internal question and we need to know that our relationship is still okay.

For men, however, the question looks like this: “Am I able, do I measure up, and am I any good at what I do?” When surveyed, 75-85% of men state that they have this question burning on the inside most of the time. They wonder whether they are any good at what they try to do for you, whether you think they are a good husband, whether you think they measure up. With every little thing they do for you, they are secretly holding their hearts out, wanting to please you yet doubting they are up to the task. Realize that when you respond to your husband, you’re responding to the inner, vulnerable man—not the confident-looking outer one.

He Is Looking For Signals About How He Is Doing

Because of that internal question of whether he’s good enough, your husband is always looking for signals from the people around him about whether he’s doing a good job. (Does my wife think I’m a good dad? Does my co-worker think I have what it takes to run this project?) And you’re always sending signals, whether you know it or not.

When you regularly show discontent (“Why did you send the kids outside without their coats?” or “You got the wrong brand of lunch meat at the grocery store again.”), you send a signal that is as painful to your man as it would be for you to try to hug him during an emotional conflict and he stonily turned away and said, “I don’t want to talk to you today.” By contrast, when you express appreciation for the little things he does, you affirm your husband in the most tender places of his heart.

He Needs To Hear Words Of Affirmation

Men typically don’t pick up on “vibes” or body language the way many women do, so he may truly have no idea how you feel about something he did. He needs to hear your words of affirmation telling him that he’s good enough. He needs to hear how proud you are of his work or just a simple “thank you” for his efforts. Don’t leave it to chance for him to try and figure it out—actually tell him!

“But shouldn’t he just know that I think he’s doing a great job?” I’ve been asked that question many times at women’s events, and I always answer this way: He probably does know intellectually that you appreciate him but he still deeply needs to hear you say it. Wouldn’t you hate it if he rarely told you that he loves you because he figures you already know? Your words of affirmation answer his inner question of “Am I good enough?” Your words encourage him and keep him going.

He Has An Emotional Need For Physical Intimacy

Women often tend to misunderstand what physical intimacy means to our husbands. We think of it as a physical need—which can make it feel like it’s optional, especially when our physical need is sleep!

What we must understand is that the importance of sex for a man is primarily emotional. When he knows that you desire him, it gives him confidence about how he’s doing in every other area of his life! When you sexually flirt with him, respond to him in the bedroom, or initiate intimacy, it says something very powerful to those vulnerable places in his heart: “I do desire you . . . you do measure up . . . you are not alone.”

There are always exceptions, but most likely your husband is secretly longing for sexual connection not primarily for physical pleasure, but for a deep connection with you—the woman he loves—and for the deep reassurance that you care, that you believe in him, and that he is worth you being one with him in every way.

So be on the alert for those potential disconnects in understanding and emotion. Know that beneath the rugged and tough exterior of your man is a much softer and deeper part that he keeps hidden. Be sensitive to these four inner thoughts, and put your understanding of them—and of him—to work in your relationship. Then watch the strength of your connection grow.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Coming this month: an all-new online course for Shaunti’s top research and teachings. Sign up for the email list to stay in the know!

Do you and your spouse have disagreements about your finances? Check out Thriving in Love and Money, the latest research book by Shaunti & Jeff Feldhahn. Know yourself. Know your spouse. Do money well—together.

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

Here’s What Your Man Is Really Thinkingby Shaunti Feldhahn When the Enemy is Attacking Your Marriage – Ashley Willisby Shaunti Feldhahn Why Teenage Boys Should Be Courageous and Ask the Girl Out!by Shaunti Feldhahn Recognize Your Man’s Romantic Intent When He Wants to Do Things Togetherby Shaunti Feldhahn Cozy Little Fires Everywhere: Small Ways to Warm Up Your Marriage – Ted Loweby Shaunti Feldhahn

The post Here’s What Your Man Is Really Thinking appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

When the Enemy is Attacking Your Marriage – Ashley Willis

Today we are sharing a guest blog from Ashley Willis while Shaunti is in this  season of cancer treatments . Enjoy!

When the Enemy is Attacking Your Marriage

By Ashley Willis
 
The enemy comes when our defenses are down and would love nothing more than to break up our marriage and family.
 
Every marriage goes through ups and downs. That’s precisely why we say vows like “…for better or for worse…”. We relish in the good days, but what are we supposed to do we do when we feel stuck in a prolonged “for worse” season—when we feel like we are trying our best, but our circumstances and feelings seem to keep getting in the way of our progress? I believe these are moments when the enemy likes to attack our marriage the most. He comes on strong when our defenses are down, and we are exhausted and dismayed. Make no mistake that he is out to get us. Satan is a thief who only comes to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10), and he would love nothing more than to break up our marriage and family.

None of us are immune to hardship in life, but every one of us has the power to choose how we react to it. It’s easy to be a good husband or wife when things seem to be going well, but what about when things get hard? How should we handle a cancer diagnosis, the death of a loved one, financial hardship, job issues, moving, bad decisions, and other crises? What are we supposed to do when we are under attack? How do we fight against the enemy?

As a married couple, we should be each other’s number one partner, advocate, cheerleader, prayer warrior, and friend. But, when life throws us something more than we can bear, we sometimes feel like giving up. We become emotional recluses and shut each other out. We stop talking and go through the motions.

WE. CHECK. OUT.

We tell ourselves that our circumstances and our marriage will never get better, and we fail to see the good that is just beyond the trials we are experiencing. We start to believe the lies from the enemy. Lies like:

“You’re doomed. This marriage is never going to work.”

“Things will never get better. Give up already!”

“You both are too damaged. Not even God Himself can pick up these pieces.”

“You married the wrong person. It just wasn’t meant to be.”

Don’t believe those lies! You and your spouse can get through this season. When you choose to reconnect with your spouse and check back into your marriage, your marriage will become even stronger. Choose to fight for each other, not against one another. We serve a God who still brings dead things to life, and that includes a worn-out, lifeless marriage (Romans 4:17). Our Father can bring healing to our mess. He can breathe new life into our relationship and make it more beautiful, more life-giving, more intimate, and more trusting than we ever thought possible (Isaiah 61:3). But, we can’t lay back and let the enemy continue to attack us. WE. MUST. FIGHT. BACK. Here’s how:

1. Keep talking to one another.
May integrity and honesty protect me, for I put my hope in you. Psalm 25:21

Daily communication is a must. We can’t expect our relationship to get out of a rut if we don’t tell our spouse how we genuinely feel and listen when they share their feelings as well. We must refuse to shut down, even when every part of us wants to. Instead of retreating, we need to sit down and talk to one another about everything, including daily musings, kids, work, hopes, dreams, fears, frustrations, etc. We must do this to stay connected, get back on the same page, and build trust.

2. Be the change you’d like to see in your spouse.
And those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of righteousness. James 3:18
It certainly takes two to make a marriage work. But, when a marriage is stuck in a rut or being attacked, someone has to make the first move toward healing. Instead of just expecting our spouse to change or take the first step in mending our relationship, we need to initiate. If we desire better communication, then we need to initiate conversation. If we want more romance, then we should begin flirting with our spouse. If we want more date nights, then we should plan a date. Our efforts will show our spouse how much we are committed to the marriage and put our marriage on the right track.

It’s important that we do these things out of love and commitment but not expecting our spouse to do something in return. If not, we might fall into a “tit-for-tat trap” that will only leave both of us angry and disappointed. When we reach out to our spouse with unconditional love and a genuine desire to strengthen our marriage, they will feel free to open up as well. When both partners approach one another with open hearts, the marriage will begin to heal.

3. Pray for your spouse.
Praise God, who did not ignore my prayer or withdraw His unfailing love from me. Psalm 66:20

Prayer is the greatest weapon we have against the enemy’s attacks. It puts our mind and heart in right-standing with the Lord and softens our hardened heart towards our spouse. When we are mad at our spouse and frustrated with our marriage, the root emotion we are experiencing is disappointment. We are disappointed that our marriage isn’t a fairytale. Instead of dwelling on what we don’t like about our spouse or marriage, let’s pray for them. Ask God to bless them and bring us closer together. We can pray on our own AND together. It’s amazing how God will soften our hearts toward each other when we specifically pray for one another. This is also an excellent example of unconditional love and humility—two must-have attributes in a strong marriage. Prayer is also our lifeline when we are facing hard circumstances that are out of our control. We don’t need to try and carry this burden alone. God wants us to lay it at his feet, and we do this by praying. When we surrender our burdens to Him and ask Him to fill us with His strength and wisdom, He will.

4. Spend more time together.
And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another. Hebrews 10:25a

As I mentioned before, we tend to “check out” when things get uncomfortable or difficult. Instead of finding reasons to be away from our spouse, we need to spend more time together. Put the kids to bed earlier and talk. Go for a nightly walk after dinner. Meet up for lunch regularly during the workweek. We have to be intentional and make time for one another if we want to foster a stronger marriage.

5. Cling to the Lord’s promises and be patient with the process of healing.
The Lord’s promises are pure, like silver refined in a furnace, purified seven times over. Psalm 12:6

Never forget that God wants good things for you and your spouse. He wants you both to heal and have a thriving marriage. Don’t allow yourselves to get discouraged. Cling to God’s promises in His Word by reading the Bible daily.

We don’t get into a marriage rut overnight, so we can’t expect to see a drastic reconnection after one day of trying. It takes baby steps — one day at a time. The main thing we need to remember is we must refuse to give up on one another. We are choosing to face this “for worse” season TOGETHER…helping each other…leaning on one another…every single day.

In time, we will see and feel the reconnection and experience His healing, but more than anything, God will show us how we are stronger together. He will bless us as we honor our marriage vows, and we will have an amazing testimony of endurance, commitment, and love that will inspire those around us—especially our own family.

Ashley Willis is one of America’s most widely read relationship bloggers. She writes primarily on issues related to faith, marriage and motherhood. She and her husband Dave are the authors of The Naked Marriage: Undressing the Truth About Sex, Intimacy, and Lifelong Love. They host The Naked Marriage podcast and share other marriage resources at DaveAndAshleyWillis.com. Ashley’s most recent book is Peace Pirates: Conquering the Beliefs and Behaviors that Steal Your Treasure in Motherhood.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Coming soon: an all-new online course for Shaunti’s top research and teachings. Sign up for the email list to stay in the know!

Do you and your spouse have disagreements about your finances? Check out Thriving in Love and Money, the latest research book by Shaunti & Jeff Feldhahn. Know yourself. Know your spouse. Do money well—together.

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

When the Enemy is Attacking Your Marriage – Ashley Willisby Shaunti Feldhahn Why Teenage Boys Should Be Courageous and Ask the Girl Out!by Shaunti Feldhahn Recognize Your Man’s Romantic Intent When He Wants to Do Things Togetherby Shaunti Feldhahn Cozy Little Fires Everywhere: Small Ways to Warm Up Your Marriage – Ted Loweby Shaunti Feldhahn Divorce Rates are NOT What You Think They Are!by Shaunti Feldhahn

The post When the Enemy is Attacking Your Marriage – Ashley Willis appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Why Teenage Boys Should Be Courageous and Ask the Girl Out!

Guys, I want to encourage you to do something that some of you might find daunting. Maybe even scary. I’m talking about approaching a girl that you know and asking her out. You’re not asking her to get into a relationship; you’re not asking her to be your girlfriend; you’re just asking her if she’d want to get dinner at that new pizza place she was talking about.

Most of you don’t admit it to girls, but in my research with thousands of young people over the years I’ve heard most guys have a “stomach in knots” feeling at the idea of asking that question. Some of you have already done that, others haven’t, but regardless, it can feel as if you are totally laying yourself on the line. And who wants to risk rejection? What if she says “Um, no thanks?” Worse, what if she laughs about it with her friends, and you end up feeling like a fool?

Those thoughts can make any reasonably sane male mortal decide that he can get around to officially asking a girl out a few years from now. Like, when he’s 30.

So if you’ve been hesitating, why am I suggesting that you do this? There’s a very important reason, which comes not just from me but from the thousands of girls I’ve interviewed.

Many girls appreciate when a guy asks her out rather than the other way around  

Girls may look sure of themselves as if it doesn’t matter to them who makes the first move. But you need to know that, inside, most girls are deeply hoping a guy will be the one to reach out—even though it might not actually seem that way with the girls you know.

The girls you know may seem way too confident for that. They’re the ones who are constantly talking about match-ups: “So … do you like so-and-so?” They’re the ones who are texting you after school. If you don’t make the first move, they might.

I said that (“If you don’t make the first move, she might”) when I was speaking at a youth event not long ago and the guys’ reaction was hilarious: “Suweeet!” “And why is that a problem?!” It was clear they were all thinking, Why would I want to risk making the first move if she will just do it for me?

Here’s why. What most girls really want is a guy who is confident enough to approach them. Now, there’s no reason why a girl can’t be the one to take that first step, if she is interested and if that is authentic to her. But when you take that first step instead, it demonstrates a quality girls really admire—self-confidence. When we were researching our book For Young Men Only: A Guy’s Guide to the Alien Gender, we surveyed girls to ask them what traits they find most attractive in a guy. Self-confidence (without being cocky) was one of the top three.

Why does stepping out in self-confidence even matter? Two reasons.

Most girls have a secret vulnerability—and you asking her out can be very affirming

I know it doesn’t look like it, but even the most amazing girl likely has a secret vulnerability: she wonders if she is worth something. If she is worthy of being loved. If she is special in any way.

On our nationally-representative survey for For Young Men Only, 91% of girls felt that way. Let me make that very real to you. This means that in any classroom or any friend group, if there are 15 girls in the room, that means only one or two of them do not feel that way. The other 13 or 14 wonder things like, “Am I the type of person who anyone will ever love?”

Think about that for a second. Think about a particular female friend, who you think is beautiful and a great person. If she is like most girls, she truly wonders if she is the type of person who anyone will ever love.

So when you take that step of courage to tell your friend Brianna, “You have mentioned wanting to see that movie a couple of times. Want to come with me on Saturday?” It is unbelievably affirming to her. It says to her, “You are special. You are the type of person who someone will love someday.”

It doesn’t mean that you will be that boy—just that she is that type of girl. It is an action of not only affirmation but genuine kindness.

You approaching her builds a habit of courage—instead of a habit of passivity

One of the things I hear often from women in hurting marriages is despair, pain or anger about the fact that their husband has checked out, become passive, backed off. This is not the place to get into all the reasons why, but it is clear that this is one of the temptations of guys these days. And it happens among high schoolers too. You may have noticed that if you just wait, girls will text you about going out or about joining the group for coffee. You may have noticed that if you are slow in leading the class presentation, someone else will take it over and do more of the work. It can become a dangerous temptation.

Now, that may not be you at all. But some guys tell me that they are subconsciously thinking, If I just wait, someone else will do it for me and I won’t risk doing it wrong / being rejected / feeling stupid. It sure is easier.

But giving in to that temptation means building a habit of being passive. Sitting back and seeing whether someone else will take action instead. To build yourself as a person and as a leader, it is so crucial instead to take steps of courage—like approaching that girl you like (in person rather than over text!) and asking her to do something over the weekend.

Now is your chance to practice—and build confidence.

Guys, this is your opportunity to practice. I know it’s scary. But if you don’t practice, it’s only going to make you more nervous. The more you think about anything that’s difficult to do, the larger it looms in your mind, right? And the more you delay and overthink it, that challenging thing can take on proportions so big that it starts to seem impossible.

But the good news is that once you take that step, you’ll get more accomplished at it. It is almost like putting in the work to build muscles. It can take work, can sometimes be painful, and can take time before you see results—but in the end you’re glad you’ve done it.

Yes, you could get turned down. Be okay with that. And if it happens, resolve in advance to learn from it (maybe ask an older, wiser guy what you could have done differently, if anything), and try again. Focus on the successes rather than the failures. And as you build the confidence needed to ask a girl out by actually doing it, you develop one of the qualities that women find most attractive.

So guys, here’s the challenge for you: take the step. Think of a girl that you like, that you admire, that you are probably already friends with in some way, and that you want to spend time with and get to know better. Then invite her to do something with you—go bowling, go to a football game, grab a bite after practice or rehearsal, go for a walk.

As you gain (and exhibit) that genuine, underlying confidence, girls will be even more interested and more likely to say yes. It’s a cycle of good things, a cycle of maturity. It’s part of becoming the kind of man that you want to be.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Coming soon: an all-new online course for Shaunti’s top research and teachings. Sign up for the email list to stay in the know!

Do you and your spouse have disagreements about your finances? Check out Thriving in Love and Money, the latest research book by Shaunti & Jeff Feldhahn. Know yourself. Know your spouse. Do money well—together.

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

Why Teenage Boys Should Be Courageous and Ask the Girl Out!by Shaunti Feldhahn Recognize Your Man’s Romantic Intent When He Wants to Do Things Togetherby Shaunti Feldhahn Cozy Little Fires Everywhere: Small Ways to Warm Up Your Marriage – Ted Loweby Shaunti Feldhahn Divorce Rates are NOT What You Think They Are!by Shaunti Feldhahn How I Stopped Yelling at My Kids – Crystal Paineby Shaunti Feldhahn

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Recognize Your Man’s Romantic Intent When He Wants to Do Things Together

When Marc and Sophia decided to do date nights once a month, Sophia couldn’t wait to see what Marc would plan. Maybe he would take her to that new restaurant in the city … pack a picnic dinner for them to eat on a blanket in the park … or treat her to a harbor cruise. When he revealed their destination—an indoor archery range to take their first lesson together—her heart sank. Her visions of relaxation, romance, and intimate conversation were dashed. Marc was disappointed too—that she didn’t share his excitement over trying a new activity together!

Ladies, when you envision romance, I’m guessing that what you picture is similar to what Sophia had in mind. Since we were little girls, those kinds of picturesque dates have seemed wonderfully romantic to us. And we care about romance. But unfortunately, somewhere along the way, we’ve come to assume that our man doesn’t care about romance at all!

Through interviewing and surveying thousands of men in my For Women Only research, I discovered something that really surprised me and helped my own marriage: most men (84%!) care about romance just as much as their wives do! The issue is that although many guys enjoy the traditional candlelight-and-flower dinner dates too, romance often simply looks different to a guy.

Many men define romance as getting out and doing things with their wife.

Romance, to a guy, doesn’t just mean ending the date in the bedroom—though you won’t find many men who would turn it down! Believe it or not, a sizeable minority of men (four in ten) said that they defined romance as getting out and doing things with their wife. Playing golf together, going for a hike, driving and exploring the countryside outside the city—even going out and wandering the aisles of a DIY store together and dreaming about that new flooring or restoring those kitchen cabinets can be romantic to him, because you’re doing it together.

For men, going out and playing together makes them feel close and intimate. Think back to your dating days. A big part of the thrill—of building your relationship—was doing fun things with each other! Believe it or not, even in the way the male brain is wired, doing something with another person actually stimulates the sense of feeling close to them! So although we women may not fully understand how this works, in a guy’s mind, a fun day hiking or playing a match of tennis is often his version of a candlelight dinner.

Recognize your man’s romantic intent when he wants to do things together—and respond!

If we look back to our dating years, ladies, we can see how those “go out and play” activities were in fact actually romantic. So if you want to rekindle the romance in your life, suggest doing some of those things again. And be very attuned to those I-want-romance-too signals that your man may have been sending you—like his idea of going out for the Sunday drive—that you’ve been missing up to now. What a shame that so many of us simply haven’t been seeing those signals for what they are!

Once Sophia realized that her husband’s heart truly was in it when he made their date night plans, she decided to appreciate and enjoy the evening. As they fumbled their way through the archery lesson, they encouraged each other and laughed a lot. She was surprised at how much they connected just by trying something new together.

Your man’s efforts to create romance may or may not match the visions you have, but either way, they’re a clear sign that he wants to spend time with you. And that is unquestionably romantic.

So recognize—and respond to—his romantic intentions when he wants to do things together. You just might be surprised at how much you enjoy that one-on-one time and are drawn closer as a couple through the experience.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Coming soon: an all-new online course for Shaunti’s top research and teachings. Sign up for the email list to stay in the know!

Do you and your spouse have disagreements about your finances? Check out Thriving in Love and Money, the latest research book by Shaunti & Jeff Feldhahn. Know yourself. Know your spouse. Do money well—together.

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

Recognize Your Man’s Romantic Intent When He Wants to Do Things Togetherby Shaunti Feldhahn Cozy Little Fires Everywhere: Small Ways to Warm Up Your Marriage – Ted Loweby Shaunti Feldhahn Divorce Rates are NOT What You Think They Are!by Shaunti Feldhahn How I Stopped Yelling at My Kids – Crystal Paineby Shaunti Feldhahn This One Habit Will Be Game-Changing for Others … and Yourself!by Shaunti Feldhahn

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Cozy Little Fires Everywhere: Small Ways to Warm Up Your Marriage – Ted Lowe

Today we are sharing a guest blog from Ted Lowe while Shaunti is in this season of cancer treatments. Enjoy!

Cozy Little Fires Everywhere: Small Ways to Warm Up Your Marriage

By Ted Lowe

It’s easy to focus on what is not working in our marriage, especially when we are trying to work on our marriage. I get it. The logic is sound: focus on your problems so you can fix them.

But here’s the problem with focusing solely on what is not working: most of us aren’t qualified to work on marital issues. In fact, I know several married couples where both spouses are counselors. When they face issues, they often bring in another counselor for help. That should cause the rest of us pause. I’m not suggesting our tension points aren’t important and we shouldn’t try to work on them. They are and we should. I’m just stating that most of us don’t know how. So now what? Hope.

In my podcast interview with Mike Foster he said, “We may not be qualified to work on our problems, but we are qualified to work on our connection.” Here’s the great news, little things matter big in marriage.

For example, a friend recently shared that she loves to come home from work and see a little smoke coming from the chimney. She knows her husband has built a fire for her to snuggle next to. She said, “Those cozy little fires are my favorite thing.” While for some building a fire would be a big deal, for our friend’s husband it is not. In fact, she said, “He has been a pyromaniac since he was a boy. He loves building fires and I love it when it does.”

For her, cozy little fire means a lot to her. What little fires do you build for your spouse? What is that little thing you do that makes them feel big love?

I asked my wife, Nancie, what is a cozy little fire for you? She said, you picking up the kids from their friends’ house is huge for me. Picking up the kids? Really? Yep. Side note: I learned a long time ago that while her love language is probably always going to be acts of service, those acts evolve and change. So I have to ask often. Nancie asked me what was my version of a little fire; that was easy. I said, “When you laugh at my “attempts” to be funny.  

So what little fires do you, can you, build for your spouse?  

I’ve surveyed hundreds of couples and it seems that most spouses fall into one of a few categories: 

You know exactly what that cozy little fire is and you plan to do it forever.You think you know what that cozy little fire is but you aren’t sure.You’re not sure your spouse sees or appreciates your little fires.You’re afraid your spouse would say you don’t build little fires.  

Regardless of what category you fall into, be encouraged. You just need to know for certain what your spouse—not you—defines as a cozy little fire. This is key. If they don’t have an answer for you, don’t panic. Tell them you want to start to build a cozy little fire that makes them feel loved. Don’t feel bad if it takes a while. You will get there. If you need a few ideas to get you and/or your spouse thinking and talking, here are quite a few from a survey I recently took. We should all be encouraged by how doable little fires can be. 

Little Fires from real-life married people

Usually, it’s just a look that says, “I get you.”Hugs me.Holds my hand during the night.He asks me just about every day how he can make my day better.He brings me a fresh glass of ice water for the bedside table every night.The action of showing how supportive she is. It’s one thing to say, “I support you.” It’s another thing to show it.When it’s normally my job to get up in the am—make the coffee and take the dogs out—he sets his alarm to get it done before me then brings me coffee in bedHe packs my lunch and usually fixes our breakfast.Ordering a large Dr. Pepper for me instead of medium.Resisting the urge to smother me with a pillow when I snore.Wakes me up with snugglesHe makes my coffee for every morning and he makes the bed. These are things he knows I would neglect in the morning during the hustle and bustle of getting ready for work but he knows how much these things make my morning better.When I’m driving and she touches my arm or she rubs the hair on the back of my head.When he builds us a fire on a cold winter’s day.When she says positive things to me.  Cooks dinner for me every day that he is home before me. He’s the best.Lets the dog out if I’m not awake.Tells me he loves me every night.He always made sure my car was filled with gas!Has hung in with me for 400,000 hours…sometimes a second at a timeHas a dance party with my 6-year-old.He cooks!Tells me every night how much he loves me. Tells my son that as well.Communicates with me better than anyone and knows me better than anyone. That is more than one!Before he says what he would prefer to do (like a Saturday when we’re both home), he always asks, “is there anything you want to do today?” Always. Before he ever mentions something he would like to do.He has learned to love watching college football games with me in our 30 years together.Actually accompanies me to Target.Gives me the Doritos with the most cool-ranch flavor.Looks in my eyes.

What are the cozy little fires in your marriage?

Ted Lowe is a speaker, author, and the director of Married People, an organization with the mission of making marriage real, fun, and simple. Prior to launching Married People in 2010, Ted served as the Director of MarriedLife at North Point Community Church in Alpharetta. Ted is a graduate of Fuller Theological Seminary, in Pasadena, California. He lives in Cumming, Georgia, with his five favorite people: his wife, Nancie, and their four children. Ted is author Your Best Us and Married People: How Your Church Can Build Marriages that Last.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Coming soon: an all-new online course for Shaunti’s top research and teachings. Sign up for the email list to stay in the know!

Do you and your spouse have disagreements about your finances? Check out Thriving in Love and Money, the latest research book by Shaunti & Jeff Feldhahn. Know yourself. Know your spouse. Do money well—together.

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

Cozy Little Fires Everywhere: Small Ways to Warm Up Your Marriage – Ted Loweby Shaunti Feldhahn Divorce Rates are NOT What You Think They Are!by Shaunti Feldhahn How I Stopped Yelling at My Kids – Crystal Paineby Shaunti Feldhahn This One Habit Will Be Game-Changing for Others … and Yourself!by Shaunti Feldhahn What Do These Scars Mean? – Taylor Scottby Shaunti Feldhahn

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Divorce Rates are NOT What You Think They Are!

Wedding season is here and it’s a time of hope and new beginnings. But while we are always happy for the bride and groom, there is also an undercurrent of concern out there for couples who are tying the knot.

You’ve probably heard the statistics that say half of marriages end in divorce—statistics that cause many brides and grooms (and the onlookers at their wedding) to wonder whether a happy lifelong marriage is likely, or even possible. And with those doubts clouding the air on the big day, what attitude or mindset is being established for the happy couple as they begin their journey of married life?

In our book The Good News About Marriage: Debunking Discouraging Myths about Marriage and Divorce, my Senior Researcher, Tally Whitehead, and I share encouraging news about the state of marriage in our country. It’s good news that must be spread far and wide—especially during wedding season—in order to reassure the brides and grooms we know, and to uphold the fact that the idea of love for a lifetime is not old-fashioned and it is possible! 

So here are four encouraging facts about marriage we’d like to share with you.

FACT #1: The divorce rate for society as a whole is not 50% and has never been anywhere close. 

Everyone believes there is a 50% divorce rate. There isn’t, and there never has been, for society as a whole. For high-risk groups, yes. (If you get married as a teenager, that group hits that rate—but that is less than 5% of the population!)

What’s the divorce rate, then? Let me say that understanding this is incredibly complicated, controversial, and there is no way to know one “real” number. That is why it took us 8 years before we published The Good News About Marriage (and why we need to point you to the book for the hundreds of citations and sources!). But the bottom line is this: in looking at data from the Census Bureau and other reliable sources, it appears that somewhere around 25% of first marriages end in divorce—and the divorce rate has only continued to decline since we published the book! That’s still too high, but it’s a universe different from what we think it is! 

This means, if you’re getting married, you can be assured of this awesome fact: Most marriages are strong and happy for a lifetime!

Jeff and I have seen in our research with thousands of people for our books that when people get into trouble in their marriage, there’s a sneaking feeling that arises: “If the ship is going to sink anyway, why bother trying to bail it out?” It makes an enormous difference if you think to yourself (or tell a troubled friend), “The ship isn’t going to sink! You’re going to make it. Most marriages do.”

FACT #2: The rate of divorce in the church is not the same as society—in fact, it’s nowhere close.  

Although there is controversy about what the divorce rate is, there is no controversy about this. Every demographer knows that statement is true: it’s just that every churchgoer doesn’t!

In fact, a long-term Harvard study, published in 2018, found that in the population they tracked, the divorce rate for those who attended church regularly was 50% lower than the divorce rate of those who didn’t! 

FACT #3: Remarriages don’t have an insanely high divorce rate. 

Do you know anyone who is heading into a second marriage? I talk to people all the time who are—and who are subconsciously expecting that they have a high chance of failure. Because that is what they’ve heard.

Just as for first marriages, no one knows what the exact divorce rate is for second and third marriages. But it turns out all those super high divorce rates you’ve heard—66%, 72%, etc.— are an urban legend. We detail more in The Good News About Marriage, but the bottom line is we traced all those references and they tie back to sources that don’t exist. 

My favorite example was from Dr. Jennifer Baker, who is a well-known researcher that was quoted in a popularly referenced Psychology Today article as saying she discovered these super high divorce rates. When we asked to look at her study so we could see her methodology, she emailed us back saying “Unfortunately, these statistics are not mine, and even though I have asked the website to remove my name as a source, I’ve been unable to get them to do so.”

It would be funny… if it hadn’t caused so many people to give up on their second marriages.

So, if you’re in a second or third marriage, please know that although no one knows exactly what those divorce rates are, they’re a whole lot closer to first marriage divorce rates than people think. Based on Census Bureau data, the divorce rate for remarriages is probably more like 30%.

FACT #4: Most marriages aren’t just “meh”—they’re actually happy!

Both our studies and all the other studies on satisfaction in marriage that have been done in recent years have found that contrary to popular opinion, most marriages are not “just sort of bumping along.” They’re made up of two people who actually really enjoy being married and enjoy being married to each other. 

The average percentage of couples being happy in marriage hovers around 80%. (Our study for our book The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, which independently surveyed both the husband and the wife, found that 71% percent were both happy, and other studies have found more than 90%!)  

Be encouraged! The bottom line is that most marriages not only last for a lifetime—they are happy! And it’s not just the engaged and newlywed couples that need to hear this good news—it’s all couples.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Coming soon: an all-new online course for Shaunti’s top research and teachings. Sign up for the email list to stay in the know!

Do you and your spouse have disagreements about your finances? Check out Thriving in Love and Money, the latest research book by Shaunti & Jeff Feldhahn. Know yourself. Know your spouse. Do money well—together.

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

Divorce Rates are NOT What You Think They Are!by Shaunti Feldhahn How I Stopped Yelling at My Kids – Crystal Paineby Shaunti Feldhahn This One Habit Will Be Game-Changing for Others … and Yourself!by Shaunti Feldhahn What Do These Scars Mean? – Taylor Scottby Shaunti Feldhahn Joy Comes In the Morning: It’s OK to Resolve Your Disagreement Tomorrowby Shaunti Feldhahn

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How I Stopped Yelling at My Kids – Crystal Paine

Today we are sharing a guest blog from Crystal Paine while Shaunti is in this  season of cancer treatments . Enjoy!

How I Stopped Yelling at My Kids

By Crystal Paine

I thought I was a patient person…then I had kids.

I said I’d never yell at my kids…and then I had kids.

I pictured myself as a sweet, loving, always-cheerful mom…then I had kids.

Motherhood has stretched me and humbled me. It’s brought out the best in me and the worst in me.

About five years ago, I found myself snapping at my kids more and more frequently, which only served to frustrate me. The more I snapped at my kids, the more frustrated I was at myself. And the more frustrated I was at myself, the more I’d snap at my kids.

It was a vicious cycle and I felt trapped.

One night, I was up late thinking of the kind of mom I’d been and feeling so ashamed of my behavior and the example I was setting before my kids. I started praying and asking God to help me to love my children, to help me have patience with them, and to stop getting so angry with them.

My 4-Week Commitment

As I was praying, an idea birthed in my head. I decided to make a commitment to my husband for the next 4 weeks.

I woke Jesse up to tell him my commitment (I have such a gracious husband — poor guy!). It was this: every time I was tempted to lash out at a child I would, instead, find a very practical way to love that child.

It was a BIG commitment, but he agreed that he thought I could do it and said he was willing to hold me accountable. I went to bed resolving that, by God’s grace, I was going to change the tone in our home.

It Was SO Hard

The first day was very, very hard. One child in particular was pushing all of my buttons and seeming to make a game of trying to see how much they could annoy me.

Well, the first few hours on that first day of my 4-week commitment, this child tried all their usual tactics. I didn’t get frustrated. I didn’t yell. I didn’t even raise my voice.

Oh, it was very hard. But I’m a stubborn person and I was determined to stick with my commitment to my husband.

Instead, of lashing out, I asked this child to come snuggle next to me. I poured love, love, and more love.

The Change Was Amazing!

Within a few hours, this child’s attitude had drastically changed. They were calm, happy, and asking what they could do to help me. I could not believe it!

And this only continued for the next few days. Until finally, I felt like I almost had a completely different child living in my home. It was amazing!

I decided my 4-week experiment was a smashing success. And I decided to extend it for another 40 years. Or something like that.

Five Years Later

I wrote most of the above five years ago and I wanted to give an update for those who may have read my original post on this. I can safely say that this one change in me has changed the tone in our whole home.

My children are more helpful and respectful. I am so much happier. Jesse is happier because we’re happier. And our home is much, much calmer.

All because I’m choosing to love instead of lash out.

Lean in and Love

Now, let me be honest: I haven’t always done it perfectly and I occasionally revert back to my old ways of getting frustrated.

But when I start to feel the frustration and anger rising, I remember my mantra, “Lean in and love.”

When I want to lash out, lean in and love.

When I want to express my frustration, lean in and love.

When that child is getting on my every last nerve, lean in and love.

Practical Ways to Love More Instead of Lashing Out1. Invite your child to sit with you.

I’ve noticed that when my children are frustrated and acting out, it’s often because they are craving attention and affection.

Inviting a child to come sit next to me when they are getting on my every last nerve can be so hard for me to do. In fact, I usually want them to be as far away from me as possible. But distance is only going to make matters worse.

Lovingly and gently asking my child to come sit next to me and be with me helps to calm both of us. It helps me to communicate love for the child (even if I don’t feel all that loving at the time) and it causes the child to feel special and cared for.

2. Stop, look, and listen.

Moms, we can get so busy with life. We have places to go, things to do, messes to clean up, meals to fix…the list is never ending.

Our kids don’t need our productivity. They need our presence.

If a child is misbehaving, don’t shush them just so you can get back to what you were doing. Stop, look into their eyes, and gently ask them, “Is everything okay?” Or, “What’s wrong?” Really mean it. And then really listen to their answer.

Taking time to do this — even in the middle of a very busy day — has made a world of difference in our home.

3. Pray With Your Child

When Silas is struggling, I’ll often ask him if I can pray for him. He always says yes and then calms down while I pray with him asking God to help him be calm, obey, love his sisters, or whatever it is that he’s struggling with.

Usually, by the end of my prayer, he’s calmed down and in a much better mood. I think, for him, my willingness to take time to pray with him helps him to feel loved. It also communicates to him that we need God’s help in our everyday life — especially when we’re struggling.

Diana from My Humble Kitchen once shared with me that when she’s struggling to respond with kindness and gentleness to her children, she’ll ask them to gather around and pray for her. She said that it’s basically impossible to respond in anger after your children have gathered around you and prayed for you! I definitely plan to try this soon!

4. Go Outside & Take a Walk Together

If you feel like things are about to explode inside the walls of your house, call everyone together and tell them you’re taking a walk in 5 minutes. (Or, make it a family bike ride if you have older children.)

Exercise and fresh air can do wonders when things are uptight! Plus, a fresh change of scenery can provide a better setting for talking through issues in a calmer manner.

Don’t forget to stop and smell the roses along the way, breathe in the fresh air, soak up the sunshine, and notice the beauty around you. This will boost your spirits for the tasks that lay ahead of you the rest of the day!

5. Share Three Things You’re Thankful For

As I often say, “There is always, always, always something to be thankful for.” But sometimes we can get bogged down by all the problems, stresses, and struggles that we forget to count our blessings.

In those moments when you want to yell and be frustrated with your kids, challenge yourself to stop, breathe, and call your children together and each share three things you’re thankful for. This might seem really difficult at first if everyone is at odds with everyone else, but force yourself to do this and it will most likely change the tone in your home.

Plus, it might help you step back and gain some perspective: in light of all you have to be grateful for, the small things that someone is doing to irritate you won’t seem so upsetting.

 6. Do Something Fun

If you have young children, this can be especially helpful to do on a hard day. When things feel like they are falling apart, set aside your to-do list and plans for the afternoon or evening and have a tea party, a family game night, a family movie night, or go do something fun as a family.

Sit down, smile, and just enjoy your children. Take time to laugh together, read a story (or tell stories!), and maybe also talk to them about how they are feeling about life, things they are struggling with, or even some encouragement for them in some areas they need to improve in.

7. Put Yourself In Your Child’s Shoes

It’s so easy for us to forget that our kids are often carrying heavy burdens, too. Sometimes, we can be so focused on our world and what we’re carrying that we lose sight of what they might be sad about or stressed about or upset about.

The other day, one of our kids was getting really irritated at everyone. I realized that something was bothering them so I asked them to go have a few minutes of quiet. I reassured them that they were not in trouble but that I thought something was upsetting them and I wanted to give them time to think about what they might be feeling upset about.

I told them I would come back in five minutes and they could tell me what they were feeling. When I did, they poured out all sorts of frustrations to me while I just listened.

This simple exercise seemed to make a world of difference AND allowed me to really have a better understanding of what this child was feeling and carrying.

8. Play With Your Children

When was the last time you played with your kids?

I mean, really got down on the floor and engaged in their world or did something that your older kids think is fun? While I don’t think we need to entertain our kids 24/7, I think it’s important to regularly take time to spend time with our kids by doing things with them that they love to do.

If you’re having a bad day, here’s an antidote: Think of what your children love to do (playing outside, playing Legos, playing games, playing dress-up, hanging out, watching a movie, playing sports, playing video games, etc.) and tell them you want to hang out with them for 30 minutes or an hour (or however much time you have).

Then just have fun together and give it your all for those 30 minutes. I bet you end up having as much fun as they will…and you’ll probably forget all about the bad day you were having!

9. Take Mommy Time Out

Moms: Taking time to replenish your supply is not selfish; it’s actually enabling you to be a better wife and mom. If you’re just pouring and pouring and pouring into your family and never taking time to replenish your supply, you’re going to feel burned out, exhausted… and this will often cause you to feel more irritable and frustrated.

What energizes you? What refills your tank? Carve out time in your schedule to make this a priority each week. Get a babysitter, trade baby-sitting with a friend, have dad watch the kids on the weekend or one evening a week…whatever it takes to make Mommy Time happen.

Making time for YOU — to breathe, to refuel, to feel energized again — will make you a calmer, happier mom. And a calmer, happier mom is one who is going yell less and love more.

Crystal Paine is a New York Times bestselling author and is known widely as the Money Saving Mom. Crystal is a wife, a mom of four, a speaker, a podcaster, and an online entrepreneur. Her blog is one of the top personal finance blogs on the web. While she has gained widespread attention for her practical tips on finance, she has branched out to topics of faith, intentional living, parenting, gratitude, and time management. Her mission is to challenge women to manage their time and resources wisely and live life on purpose. Her latest book is Love-Centered Parenting: The No-Fail Guide to Launching Your Kids.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Coming soon: an all-new online course for Shaunti’s top research and teachings. Sign up for the email list to stay in the know!

Do you and your spouse have disagreements about your finances? Check out Thriving in Love and Money, the latest research book by Shaunti & Jeff Feldhahn. Know yourself. Know your spouse. Do money well—together.

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

How I Stopped Yelling at My Kids – Crystal Paineby Shaunti Feldhahn This One Habit Will Be Game-Changing for Others … and Yourself!by Shaunti Feldhahn What Do These Scars Mean? – Taylor Scottby Shaunti Feldhahn Joy Comes In the Morning: It’s OK to Resolve Your Disagreement Tomorrowby Shaunti Feldhahn A Letter To Our 2021 Graduating High School Seniorsby Katie Kenny Phillips

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This One Habit Will Be Game-Changing for Others … and Yourself!

Kindness is a superpower. It can improve relationships, make life better, and transform our culture. And if you want to be a kind person, the quickest way to get there is to build a habit of praising others regularly. In fact, finding things to praise about the people in our lives is so important that it’s one of the three daily actions I shared in The Kindness Challenge that can make a huge difference in any relationship.

But here’s some surprising news: we aren’t actually as kind as we think we are! We may think we already have the habit of praising people … but we probably don’t. We don’t express affirmation nearly as often as we think.

The good news is the simple act of showing appreciation for people out loud is something we can learn to do. And it is part of building an atmosphere of kindness in our lives that has a major impact on everyone around us… and ourselves.

Keep your eyes open for praiseworthy things.

Our family was at a Fourth of July fair with games, music, food booths, huge inflatable slides and obstacle courses. I was standing in line with my then-twelve-year-old son, waiting for him to go up the massive Cliff Hanger slide, when we heard terrified sobbing from the very top. A little girl had climbed up and was stuck—she was too scared to slide down. After unsuccessful attempts to persuade her, her father made the very awkward (for an adult) climb to the summit, with a crowd of at least forty people silent and watching below.

Suddenly the woman next to me blurted out, “I think this must be the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.” She turned to all the people around her. “When he comes down, y’all better clap! I hope everyone claps for this man!”

Up above us, the dad gathered his tearful little girl into his arms. With her face buried in his shoulder and her arms around his neck, he gingerly began climbing back down the almost-vertical staircase with her clinging to him like a front backpack. And with one voice, the crowd below started clapping and cheering. The dad was startled, then started grinning. You could tell the accolades made his day.

When the commotion died down, I asked the woman beside me, “Is he your husband?” “No, no,” she said with a laugh. “I just try to make it a habit to encourage people, you know? It has to be a habit. Otherwise, it doesn’t happen.”

We need to build the habit of praising others out loud.

It has to be a habit. Otherwise, it doesn’t happen. So true! I had stood there at the base of the slide with thirty-nine others. Every single person probably thought: That’s a great dad. Yet only one brought up the fact that we needed to say it out loud.

Thankfully, if you begin to offer praise out loud, the rewards are so great that you’ll easily build a true habit. As you do, remember that praise goes far beyond “Good job” and encompasses whatever makes the people in your life feel affirmed. “I’m grateful for your candor.” “Honey, they loved your presentation.” “You’re a wonderful mom.” “You make me so happy.” “You are so good at keeping us on task, thank you!” 

And ladies, you might want to know that the words “thank you” are especially life-giving for men. In my book For Women Only, you can see more about how “thank you” is a man’s equivalent of “I love you.”

Praising others makes us more thankful for what we have.

It’s easy to understand the importance of praise and affirmation as components of kindness. But still, our praise may not always be spoken out loud. One subtle, sneaky reason is that we may feel entitled to whatever the other person is doing for us. As Jeff said, “I think we sometimes feel: You owe this to me. I deserve what you’re doing. This means that one reason we don’t praise is pride . . . it is easy to forget that we really don’t deserve anything. Everything God allows us to have is a gift, right? So, it is all praiseworthy.”

As we practice praise, we build others up, but we also become more and more grateful for all that we have—and we start to see even more things to be grateful for. Building the habit of encouraging others shifts our focus from inward to outward. It keeps us on the lookout for good and makes us eager to call attention to it.

So, let’s roll up our sleeves and put our intentions into action. Who can you praise today? Keep your eyes open. Take the admiration that you think and feel about someone and express it to them in words. Keep looking. And keep praising. Those small steps of kindness can begin to transform your relationships … yourself … and the world around you!  

This article was first published at Patheos.

Coming soon: an all-new online course for Shaunti’s top research and teachings. Sign up for the email list to stay in the know!

Do you and your spouse have disagreements about your finances? Check out Thriving in Love and Money, the latest research book by Shaunti & Jeff Feldhahn. Know yourself. Know your spouse. Do money well—together.

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

This One Habit Will Be Game-Changing for Others … and Yourself!by Shaunti Feldhahn What Do These Scars Mean? – Taylor Scottby Shaunti Feldhahn Joy Comes In the Morning: It’s OK to Resolve Your Disagreement Tomorrowby Shaunti Feldhahn A Letter To Our 2021 Graduating High School Seniorsby Katie Kenny Phillips [image error] All the Mommy Ladies: What You Said About Being a Momby Shaunti Feldhahn

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What Do These Scars Mean? – Taylor Scott

Today we are sharing a guest blog from  Taylor Scott  while Shaunti is in this  season of cancer treatments . Enjoy!

Do you have any scars? I have too many to count. What’s funny, most of them are the result of living life big—having fun. Like the one on the top of my foot from an incident at the lake when I was a little girl. Or the one on my thigh from mountain biking while on vacation in Colorado. Or the scar on my calf from a road cycling fall—it looks exactly like my chain ring. Ha!

Several years ago, I was given a donated dress to wear for a charity event that I was emceeing. But the dress put my skin cancer surgery scar on full display for the world to see. (I had just gotten 40 stitches in my back after Mohs for basal cell carcinoma.) I’ll admit, as a woman, anticipating wearing that dress made insecurity roar its ugly head. Also, after a year of trying to be careful in the sun, I was going to have to go back in for 4 more biopsies. That meant 4 more lovely scars. Ugh.

Many of us have emotional scars. They go deep. They may even still be open wounds.

But I’m learning to have a new perspective on scars. I’ve shown my skin cancer scar to several women, and it’s encouraged them to get their skin checked! I’ve shown my emotional scars to others and as a result, they no longer felt alone in their pain.

Our own Savior, Jesus, is known for his scars, and we are forever grateful. “But He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on Him, and by His wounds we are healed” (Isaiah 53:5).

Remember doubting Thomas, the disciple who needed some evidence? Jesus responded with compassion as we see in John 20. “Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you!” Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe” (John 20:26-27). Jesus’ scars on his hands, feet and side are a stunning reminder of His incredible love for us.

When we go through things that wound us, physically or emotionally, we scar. But those scars can be used to love others, modeling the sacrificial love our Savior showed us. So go ahead, show those scars, and pray that by our wounds, others will feel loved and not alone.

Taylor Scott is the co-host of “The Kevin and Taylor Show” on 104.7 The Fish with Kevin Avery. Their nationally syndicated morning show airs over 100 Salem Media radio stations and desires to be a mirror of the “welcoming heart of God” to their listeners while having “good, clean fun.” Taylor lives in Atlanta with her husband, Glenn, their beloved dog, Alex the Wonder Mutt, and loves trail running, mountain biking, hiking, and any type of dark chocolate.

This article was first published at Patheos.

Coming soon: an all-new online course for Shaunti’s top research and teachings. Sign up for the email list to stay in the know!

Do you and your spouse have disagreements about your finances? Check out Thriving in Love and Money, the latest research book by Shaunti & Jeff Feldhahn. Know yourself. Know your spouse. Do money well—together.

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

What Do These Scars Mean? – Taylor Scottby Shaunti Feldhahn Joy Comes In the Morning: It’s OK to Resolve Your Disagreement Tomorrowby Shaunti Feldhahn A Letter To Our 2021 Graduating High School Seniorsby Katie Kenny Phillips [image error] All the Mommy Ladies: What You Said About Being a Momby Shaunti Feldhahn When Your Triggers Get Tripped In Relationshipsby Shaunti Feldhahn

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Joy Comes In the Morning: It’s OK to Resolve Your Disagreement Tomorrow

Exhausted after a busy workday and a full evening of kid-related activities, Drake and Emily were trying to resolve a disagreement that had cropped up during the day. After several attempts at articulating her point of view, Emily said, “I can’t even think straight anymore. Let’s figure it out tomorrow.” Drake was reluctant, knowing that the conventional wisdom said going to bed at odds with each other would hurt their marriage.

“Do not let the sun go down on your anger.” “Don’t go to bed mad.” Like Drake and Emily, most of us have heard this advice all our lives and have tried hard to apply it to our relationships. So we press on with our “discussion” until one person caves in or says something they don’t really mean just to stop the argument and get some sleep. And instead of feeling relieved, the other person falls into bed with hurt feelings, an anxious heart, or the sneaking suspicion that things aren’t really as resolved as they seem.

Does any of this sound familiar? Welcome to the club! Jeff and I have certainly experienced this dynamic ourselves and from my research it is clear that most other couples have too. Except for the most happily married couples.

Here’s why… and how.

The happiest couples do “sleep on it.”

The most happily married couples have conflict just like every other couple. But they have discovered the beauty of “going to bed mad”… and finding that the issue at hand is actually much better and/or easier to resolve in the morning.

As I interviewed couples for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, one of the most surprising things I learned was that although the happiest couples usually advise young couples to “not go to bed mad,” they don’t actually take their own advice! Instead, if it is late and things are getting nowhere, they sleep on it … and their relationships were strengthened because of it!

Now, before you think I’m ignoring the Bible, let me share something else I found.

The Bible doesn’t say that we shouldn’t put an unresolved issue on hold overnight.

The famous Ephesians 4:26 verse says: “Be angry, yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger.” It turns out, the Apostle Paul is actually quoting Psalm 4:4, which says: “Don’t sin by letting anger gain control over you. Think about it and remain silent overnight.”

It turns out, the Bible never says, “don’t get mad” or even “don’t go to bed mad.” The key is not to sin in our anger; to never let anger get the best of us and cause us to hurt someone else.

What the happiest couples have found is that if you are so tired or upset that it makes a peaceful resolution unlikely, putting an unresolved issue on hold overnight is not a sin. That action is a very, very different thing from trying to not address an issue and stomping off to bed, holding on to fury at your spouse.

Dealing with the issue the next day can result in a better outcome.

The counselors I have consulted with all agree: Sometimes the stress of work, family, and finances simply leaves spouses too drained to work things out fairly. In fact, the pressure to resolve it right now may actually be even less fair on a husband who, like most men, may need a bit of time to process what he’s thinking and feeling so he can truly feel heard … and so both of you can get to a better resolution (and better communication) the next day.

And that, it turns out, is the key difference between the happiest marriages and those that are struggling: Highly happy couples sometimes go to bed with the issue unresolved, but if that issue is still a concern the next day, they deal with it. By contrast, many of the troubled couples slept on an issue … but were much more likely to just ignore it the next day, hoping it went away.

So the next time you’re up late—like Drake and Emily—bleary-eyed and weary from trying to bring closure to an issue with your spouse, don’t feel guilty about getting a little shut-eye. Chances are, you’ll see more clearly in the morning. There’s even a good possibility that the issue you were at odds over won’t seem quite so important when you revisit it after a good night’s rest. So go ahead and sleep on it, anticipating the joy of reconciliation and resolution that can come in the morning.

Coming soon: an all-new online course for Shaunti’s top research and teachings. Sign up for her email list to stay in the know!

Do you and your spouse have disagreements about your finances? Check out Thriving in Love and Money, the latest research book by Shaunti & Jeff Feldhahn. Know yourself. Know your spouse. Do money well—together.

This article was first published at Patheos.

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

Joy Comes In the Morning: It’s OK to Resolve Your Disagreement Tomorrowby Shaunti Feldhahn A Letter To Our 2021 Graduating High School Seniorsby Katie Kenny Phillips [image error] All the Mommy Ladies: What You Said About Being a Momby Shaunti Feldhahn When Your Triggers Get Tripped In Relationshipsby Shaunti Feldhahn A Prayer That Left Me Gloriously Ruinedby Shaunti Feldhahn

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