Shaunti Feldhahn's Blog, page 25

A Letter To Our 2021 Graduating High School Seniors

Today we are sharing a guest blog from Katie Kenny Phillips while Shaunti is in this season of cancer treatments. Enjoy!

A Letter To Our 2021 Graduating High School Seniors
By Katie Kenny Phillips

Dear 2021 Graduating High School Seniors,

Wow. You’re graduating! It feels momentous, doesn’t it? But also anticlimactic. It feels exciting. But also bittersweet. It feels hopeful yet, at times, has felt hopeless. You are the official graduating class of “unprecedented” and also of “life goes on.”

We celebrate you. We mourn with you. We look ahead excitedly with you. We worry for you. We know what you’ve missed. But we also know that you have gained something priceless (even though you might not realize what it is just yet.)

What we want you to know is that this year can be both. Hard and wonderful. Disappointing and lovely. Like life, it’s never just one thing: it is a holy mixture of beautiful and broken. It’s the official recipe for everyone’s life (yours just so happens to involve a global pandemic! Now how will it help shape you?)

It’s hard for us to believe you’ve reached graduation because just a few moments ago you were a newborn. And then a kindergartner. And a middle schooler. And a freshman. You were reaching milestones within our grasp . . . first words, first steps, first friendships, first failures, first victories. And now suddenly you’re reaching above and beyond where we are able to catch you. You are a trapeze artist, and we are the audience, watching you soar through the air. It is heart-stopping. It is also an undeniably glorious sight. 

Here are a few things we want you to know as you head off into your next adventure (whether that’s college, technical school, an apprenticeship, work, a gap year, etc.):

You need to know that you are going to do great things. Amazing, in fact. God has big plans for you. But also know that you are going to mess up. You are going to love parts of your experience and you are going to dislike other parts. It’s the journey. We need both. Embrace them, learn from them, persevere through them.
We care about you as a whole person which means we want you to try new things, explore, be adventurous in life to figure out what you like and don’t like. Be brave and take that interesting class. Join a new club. Play a sport that looks fun. Write for the school paper. Audition for the local theatre production. Plug in where you sense God is leading you. Basically, try things. You won’t be good at all of them. That’s ok. But you won’t regret the experience or the people you meet. You will regret what you’re too afraid to try.
If you’re on a campus, go to football games. Musical performances. Guest speakers. Poetry slams. Film festivals. Peaceful protests. Volunteer days. Do all the things that will make you a well-rounded person. If you’re not on a college campus, explore your community. You will find fascinating cultural experiences that will give you a bigger and broader view of the world. There’s more to life than work. Go find it.
When things feel too big, make them smaller. Big schools can always be broken down into smaller groups. Big assignments can always be broken down into smaller, more attainable goals. Big dreams can always be broken down into smaller wins. When you are overwhelmed, don’t give up. Just take a moment and figure out how to make it smaller and more doable.
Find a church group. Make it a priority. Your faith will change (strengthen or weaken) over the next few years depending on what you do with it. Find a group of godly guys and girls to help keep you accountable and growing. 
Look for ways to serve others. There are so many takers in this world. People notice and appreciate the givers and the helpers.
But don’t be afraid to ask for help. From professors, teachers’ assistants, doctors, mentors, pastors, your parents, etc. People are willing to help those who ask. Become a good question asker and an even better listener.
Here’s a secret: none of us feel like we know what we’re doing. Don’t be deceived into thinking you’re doing something wrong if things feel hard, if you fail, if you feel anxious or doubt yourself. We all do that sometimes. Sometimes a lot of the times. Life is always changing and we’re always adapting and learning. You are in good company.
Some of our biggest learning and growing experiences in life come from hard things and hard times. I wish this weren’t true but it is. Don’t be afraid of these times. Ask God what He’s teaching you and trust that He will work it out for your good. He always, always does and He is always faithful.
We love you. We are here for you. You can tell us anything because we are on your team. There is nothing that would stop us from loving you, supporting you, or helping you figure out next steps. We are a phone call or text away, day or night. Basically we need you to know that you are never alone.

So, congratulations, graduate! It’s been quite the year. But it’s been your year. Now take it and fly.

Katie Kenny Phillips serves as Sr. Writer and Editor for bestselling author, Shaunti Feldhahn. She is also the author of the picture book, Jesus Loves Everybody and the God, You Make Me Feel series for children. She lives in Atlanta with her five kids (including a graduating senior!), her husband Jeff, and their ridiculous dogs, Norm and Coco. You can find her on Instagram and learn more about her books here.

More from Shaunti’s Blog:

A Letter To Our 2021 Graduating High School SeniorsAll the Mommy Ladies: What You Said About Being a MomWhen Your Triggers Get Tripped In RelationshipsA Prayer That Left Me Gloriously RuinedWhy Your Attitude Affects Others (and Your Health!)

Find Christ-focused wonder in the midst of everyday life no matter what your situation might be. Pick up a copy of Shaunti’s latest devotional, Find Joy, available in major bookstores.

Coming soon: an all-new online course for Shaunti’s top research and teachings. Sign up for her email list to stay in the know!

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post A Letter To Our 2021 Graduating High School Seniors appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

All the Mommy Ladies: What You Said About Being a Mom

I once heard an exhausted mom say, “If God wanted me to really love parenting, then He should have put a little more bling on it.”

Which of course started a Beyoncé song in my head. (I couldn’t help myself. See my very rough young-mom version below.)

But it also got me thinking. Why DO we love parenting? Like, specifically, why? Everyone knows the reasons why being a Mom is hard. But as I’ve outlined in several blogs recently (here and here), one of the most important factors for changing “hard” to “happy” in any endeavor is to practice gratitude. To do what Philippians 4:8 calls “thinking on” whatever is worthy of praise in that situation. If we want to love something hard, we need to find something (many somethings!) to be glad for.

So in this Mother’s Day week, I decided to ask you: What do YOU like most about being a Mom? In other words, what are those things that we can learn to see and rejoice in, even when our kids are sassy, we’re exhausted, bad choices are made, siblings are squabbling, and worries abound?

Ninety of you responded and here’s what you said.

Here’s what I love about this. First of all, 99% of the women answered that right now they loved being a mom. We all know there are moments when we have feelings of discontent in motherhood but it is encouraging to see that most of us agree there is so much more to celebrate.

Second, I was fascinated to see that more women chose one particular option than almost all the other options put together: “Watching my children grow and the journey to becoming their own person, with their own unique, God-given personality.” And this was the main option that focused on the future.

So here’s one quasi-scientific idea that comes from all of this, for all the sweet moms looking blearily at their screens right now. The next time things get hard, don’t focus on the now. Focus on the person your child is becoming. Look for the vision of the future that is already there in the young face and wide eyes of the little person in front of you. Even when that little person in front of you is a slightly sarcastic / interrupting / whiny / hungry / arguing / bored version of themselves, look at the opportunity you have to not just see but mold who they are becoming. Sure, she is sarcastic today, but that can be honed into a dry wit that is kind but has a great sense of humor. Yes, he interrupts you every chance he gets, but he’s passionate about things and has an extroverted personality; once he matures a bit, he will be a great leader. Look for those good things. (As one Mom replied to the poll, what she loves most is “The surprising ways my kids can make me go from 0 to crazy, and from fuming to LOL in 0.2 seconds.”)

But what about the concerning personality issues, challenges, and character habits that you truly worry about for the future – that you can’t be grateful for? Even there, we have something we can be grateful for: the fact that guiding and directing them toward a healthy future is not all on us. God is their Heavenly Father, is far more invested in them than we are, and actually has the power we do not to open eyes, transform trajectories, and change hearts.

It is easy to get wrapped up in the day to day. But to have gratitude, we can look to the future. And just maybe, one day, we’ll be answering a poll like this woman. Who said that what she loves most about being a Mom is: “Watching my daughter become a mother and giving me grandchildren.”

As promised (or threatened!) here’s what I couldn’t help quickly throwing together when the Beyoncé song came to mind. (Be gentle with the comments. I get enough rolled eyes from my children!)

All the Mommy Ladies

All the mommy ladies, all the mommy ladies
All the mommy ladies, all the mommy ladies
All the mommy ladies, all the mommy ladies
All the mommy ladies, all the mommy ladies

Now put your hands up
We’re in the club, we just got sassed
God, remind me why I’m doing this Mom thing
My girl decided to trip me, get me dipsy
Then her baby brother spit up on me

I’m mad at them, they’re mad at me
Despite all my time and attention
Just cried my tears, for these good years
Y’all don’t appreciate me.

God, for me to like it then you should have put a bling on it
For me to like it then you should have put a bling on it
Don’t be mad when you see I don’t want it
But to like it maybe I can put a bling on it

Oh, oh, oh…!

Oh to like it maybe I can put a bling on it
So to like it maybe I should put a bling on it
Can’t be stupid and decide I don’t want it
I wanna like it, so I’ll start to put a bling on it

I got nuthin’ on my lips, a babe on my hips
Got all comfy in my loose Mom jeans
Kids acting up, slinging sippy cups
Could care less what people think

I need no permission, did I mention
Don’t give mistakes any attention
God you’ve given me, what you knew I’d need:
What it really feels like to love deep

I wanna love it, so I’ll start to put a bling on it
This is precious, this is lovely, this has grace to it
This is tiring but eternal, it is You doing it
I am grateful, I am honored, thank You for it

Oh, oh, oh!

More from Shaunti’s Blog:

All the Mommy Ladies: What You Said About Being a MomWhen Your Triggers Get Tripped In RelationshipsA Prayer That Left Me Gloriously RuinedWhy Your Attitude Affects Others (and Your Health!)Getting Out of ANY Personal Rut

Find Christ-focused wonder in the midst of everyday life no matter what your situation might be. Pick up a copy of Shaunti’s latest devotional, Find Joy, available in major bookstores.

Coming soon: an all-new online course for Shaunti’s top research and teachings. Sign up for her email list to stay in the know!

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post All the Mommy Ladies: What You Said About Being a Mom appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

When Your Triggers Get Tripped In Relationships – Sue Heimer

Today we are sharing a guest blog from Sue Heimer while Shaunti is in this  season of cancer treatments . Enjoy!

When Your Triggers Get Tripped In Relationships

By Sue Heimer

Ask yourself, what is the number one thing that is putting you over the edge?

Seriously, you are having an amazing calm, controlled “indoor mommy (or daddy, grandma, caregiver…you fill in the blank) voice” day and then, it happens. You lose it. Again.

Do you see a pattern? Tough question. The days I lost it I hardly wanted to document or journal the moment. I would rather just forget it. But stay with me here. People don’t just lose it. There is build-up or a trigger. Change begins when we become hyper-aware of our breaking point.

Identifying your triggers is extremely important as we wish to become “scream-LESS” or “lose-it-less” parents/caregivers. This reality was evident for me years ago. After surviving a stressful morning with three boys under five, I was feeling discouraged, frustrated, and disappointed in my role as mommy. Negative thoughts pierced my confidence as the day dragged on. Mountains of laundry continued to grow in the laundry room and my living room looked as if a category four hurricane had torn through. The boys wanted me to play with them, but I was preoccupied with household tasks and snapped at them to “go play by yourselves.” Yeah. It was a tough day.

When the doorbell rang, I answered it clad in an old tee shirt, shorts, and hair in a ponytail. As I opened the door, the older gentleman on the other side looked at me and asked, “Is your mommy home?” At his inquiry, I burst into tears and exclaimed, “See, even YOU don’t think I should be the mommy!” I know he meant well…and it could be taken as a compliment…however, I just shut the door on the bewildered gentleman.

I slouched down against the closed door and cried, “I really don’t want to be the mom today…someone else needs to be the mommy.” As the minutes crept by and I continued to lean against the door, I felt this tiny hand on my shoulder and sweet toddler breath on my skin. “I wov you, Mommy,” he declared, and laid his head on my shoulder.

Yup, I could do it another day…this motherhood thing. Sometimes encouragement comes in the smallest and most unexpected packages. But what had triggered my outburst?

In examining the morning, it was easy to point out where the buildup stemmed from. It wasn’t my children; it was the laundry and chaotic living room mess. I was exhausted by the mere thought of trying to catch up.  

Are your blow-ups a result of pent-up frustration over the never-ending laundry pile that seems to multiply like rabbits? Just when you are feeling caught up, you find another pile of towels shoved in the corner of your teenager’s bedroom. Or maybe it just drives you crazy that your house has not been swept in 3 weeks and then you step on a Lucky Charm in the living room and as you are pulling the sticky mess from your sock, you lose your indoor mommy voice in a major way.

You’ll have a sense of empowerment once you can identify what puts you over the edge. This examination of triggers works in all relationships, not just parenting. When your triggers are tripped with your spouse, boss, coworker or family member, explore what was happening when the “build up” escalated. Now you can formulate a detour to keep you from reaching the breaking point.

My personal trigger tips:

If your trigger is the laundry, consider going to the laundromat. Seriously, no eyerolling please. I did this for a season and it alleviated stress. After dropping my older boys off at school, I headed to the laundromat and as seven machines cleaned and dried the clothes, I read books to my toddler. After folding the clothes, I took them home in baskets and put them away. Seven loads were completely done by late morning. This left the must-have-tonight loads manageable and my indoor mommy voice intact. The added plus for my toddler was reading time with mommy.

Another one of my triggers was a clean house. I wasn’t even aiming for white glove condition. My standards were not that high. I just dreamed of floors and bathrooms cleaned on a semi-regular basis. And furniture dusted often enough that you couldn’t write “clean me” in the dust. Armed with this knowledge (revelation of trigger), my husband and I got creative and hired a high school girl to come in every other week after school and help me clean. This stretched an already tight budget and was a luxury; however securing the help of a teenager who was in need of cash was much cheaper than hiring a professional adult. Now it’s time for you to do some homework on yourself.

Commit to noticing (bonus points for making a note on your phone or writing it down) what is happening around you before you lose it each time in the next week. Identify that trigger and consider yourself Superwoman/Superman for now understanding the “what” behind the screaming/losing it.

Armed with that knowledge, what are some creative ways to combat those triggers?

Sue Heimer is an author, counselor, Bible teacher and international speaker. Sue is the president and founder of Leaving Your Legacy Ministries, a ministry to encourage and support women in every stage of life. Sue recently authored When You Feel Like Screaming: Practical Help for Frustrated Moms, is the contributor to multiple books including What I Wish I Had Known, and is a regularly featured writer for Focus on the Family and Faithlife publications. Her greatest passion is to encourage women to love and lean on God in every aspect of their lives. Sue is a certified Biblical Counselor and a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors. As a member of the prestigious AWSA (Advanced Writers and Speakers Association) she is honored to be recognized as one of the top National Christian Communicators.

More from Shaunti’s Blog:

This One Habit Will Be Game-Changing for Others … and Yourself!by Shaunti Feldhahn What Do These Scars Mean? – Taylor Scottby Shaunti Feldhahn Joy Comes In the Morning: It’s OK to Resolve Your Disagreement Tomorrowby Shaunti Feldhahn A Letter To Our 2021 Graduating High School Seniorsby Katie Kenny Phillips [image error] All the Mommy Ladies: What You Said About Being a Momby Shaunti Feldhahn

The post When Your Triggers Get Tripped In Relationships – Sue Heimer appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

When Your Triggers Get Tripped In Relationships

Today we are sharing a guest blog from Sue Heimer while Shaunti is in this  season of cancer treatments . Enjoy!

When Your Triggers Get Tripped In Relationships

By Sue Heimer

Ask yourself, what is the number one thing that is putting you over the edge?

Seriously, you are having an amazing calm, controlled “indoor mommy (or daddy, grandma, caregiver…you fill in the blank) voice” day and then, it happens. You lose it. Again.

Do you see a pattern? Tough question. The days I lost it I hardly wanted to document or journal the moment. I would rather just forget it. But stay with me here. People don’t just lose it. There is build-up or a trigger. Change begins when we become hyper-aware of our breaking point.

Identifying your triggers is extremely important as we wish to become “scream-LESS” or “lose-it-less” parents/caregivers. This reality was evident for me years ago. After surviving a stressful morning with three boys under five, I was feeling discouraged, frustrated, and disappointed in my role as mommy. Negative thoughts pierced my confidence as the day dragged on. Mountains of laundry continued to grow in the laundry room and my living room looked as if a category four hurricane had torn through. The boys wanted me to play with them, but I was preoccupied with household tasks and snapped at them to “go play by yourselves.” Yeah. It was a tough day.

When the doorbell rang, I answered it clad in an old tee shirt, shorts, and hair in a ponytail. As I opened the door, the older gentleman on the other side looked at me and asked, “Is your mommy home?” At his inquiry, I burst into tears and exclaimed, “See, even YOU don’t think I should be the mommy!” I know he meant well…and it could be taken as a compliment…however, I just shut the door on the bewildered gentleman.

I slouched down against the closed door and cried, “I really don’t want to be the mom today…someone else needs to be the mommy.” As the minutes crept by and I continued to lean against the door, I felt this tiny hand on my shoulder and sweet toddler breath on my skin. “I wov you, Mommy,” he declared, and laid his head on my shoulder.

Yup, I could do it another day…this motherhood thing. Sometimes encouragement comes in the smallest and most unexpected packages. But what had triggered my outburst?

In examining the morning, it was easy to point out where the buildup stemmed from. It wasn’t my children; it was the laundry and chaotic living room mess. I was exhausted by the mere thought of trying to catch up.  

Are your blow-ups a result of pent-up frustration over the never-ending laundry pile that seems to multiply like rabbits? Just when you are feeling caught up, you find another pile of towels shoved in the corner of your teenager’s bedroom. Or maybe it just drives you crazy that your house has not been swept in 3 weeks and then you step on a Lucky Charm in the living room and as you are pulling the sticky mess from your sock, you lose your indoor mommy voice in a major way.

You’ll have a sense of empowerment once you can identify what puts you over the edge. This examination of triggers works in all relationships, not just parenting. When your triggers are tripped with your spouse, boss, coworker or family member, explore what was happening when the “build up” escalated. Now you can formulate a detour to keep you from reaching the breaking point.

My personal trigger tips:

If your trigger is the laundry, consider going to the laundromat. Seriously, no eyerolling please. I did this for a season and it alleviated stress. After dropping my older boys off at school, I headed to the laundromat and as seven machines cleaned and dried the clothes, I read books to my toddler. After folding the clothes, I took them home in baskets and put them away. Seven loads were completely done by late morning. This left the must-have-tonight loads manageable and my indoor mommy voice intact. The added plus for my toddler was reading time with mommy.

Another one of my triggers was a clean house. I wasn’t even aiming for white glove condition. My standards were not that high. I just dreamed of floors and bathrooms cleaned on a semi-regular basis. And furniture dusted often enough that you couldn’t write “clean me” in the dust. Armed with this knowledge (revelation of trigger), my husband and I got creative and hired a high school girl to come in every other week after school and help me clean. This stretched an already tight budget and was a luxury; however securing the help of a teenager who was in need of cash was much cheaper than hiring a professional adult. Now it’s time for you to do some homework on yourself.

Commit to noticing (bonus points for making a note on your phone or writing it down) what is happening around you before you lose it each time in the next week. Identify that trigger and consider yourself Superwoman/Superman for now understanding the “what” behind the screaming/losing it.

Armed with that knowledge, what are some creative ways to combat those triggers?

Sue Heimer is an author, counselor, Bible teacher and international speaker. Sue is the president and founder of Leaving Your Legacy Ministries, a ministry to encourage and support women in every stage of life. Sue recently authored When You Feel Like Screaming: Practical Help for Frustrated Moms, is the contributor to multiple books including What I Wish I Had Known, and is a regularly featured writer for Focus on the Family and Faithlife publications. Her greatest passion is to encourage women to love and lean on God in every aspect of their lives. Sue is a certified Biblical Counselor and a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors. As a member of the prestigious AWSA (Advanced Writers and Speakers Association) she is honored to be recognized as one of the top National Christian Communicators.

More from Shaunti’s Blog:

When Your Triggers Get Tripped In RelationshipsA Prayer That Left Me Gloriously RuinedWhy Your Attitude Affects Others (and Your Health!)Getting Out of ANY Personal Rut10 Ways To Help a Friend Going Through a Divorce

The post When Your Triggers Get Tripped In Relationships appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

A Prayer That Left Me Gloriously Ruined – Gary Thomas

Today we are sharing a guest blog from Gary Thomas while Shaunti is in this  season of cancer treatments . Enjoy!

A Prayer That Left Me Gloriously Ruined

By Gary Thomas

I was a young husband, and during an intense time of prayer, I sensed God telling me very directly that Lisa wasn’t just my wife, but she was also His daughter and I was to treat her accordingly. It was an intense application of 1 John 3:1: “See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God.”

This was a moment of revelation for me, and the force of this insight grew once I had kids of my own. If you want to get on my good side, just be good to one of my kids. Conversely, if you really want to make me angry, pick on one of my kids. My blood pressure will go up if your name is even mentioned because I’d much rather you mess with me than with one of my kids.

So when I realized I was married to God’s daughter—and that you, women, are married to God’s sons—everything about how I viewed marriage changed. God feels about my wife—His daughter—in an even holier and more passionate way than I feel about my own daughters. Suddenly, my marriage was no longer about just me and one other person; it was very much a relationship with a passionately interested third partner. I realized one of my primary forms of worship throughout the rest of my life would be honoring God by taking care of a woman who would always be, in His divine mind, “His little girl.”

We often hear pastors contemplate the Fatherhood of God, a wonderful and true doctrine. But if you want to change your marriage, extend this analogy and spend some time meditating about God as Father-in-Law. Because when you marry a believer, He is!

When I disrespect my wife or am condescending toward her, I am courting trouble with her heavenly Father, who feels passionately about her welfare. In a positive sense, when I am actively caring for my wife, loving her, and seeking opportunities to showcase her beauty to others, I am pleasing God on about as high a level as He can be pleased.

“She’s Going to Be Okay”

Three decades ago, my soon-to-be earthly father-in-law broke out in tears during my and Lisa’s wedding rehearsal dinner. Bill wasn’t particularly sentimental, and almost two decades passed before he explained what was behind the tears: “Gary, when you married my daughter, I thought to myself, I don’t have to worry about Lisa. She’s found a guy who will take care of her. She’s going to be okay.”

As the father of two daughters, I can empathize. It’s almost scary to me how desperately I want my daughters to be loved, which helps me understand that the best gift I can give a father-in-law is to take care of and even spoil his little girl. Viewing God as Father-in-Law has helped me understand the apostle Peter’s words when he wrote, “Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect…so that nothing will hinder your prayers” (1 Pet. 3:7).

That used to seem backward to me; I thought I needed to pray for a better marriage, but Peter is telling me I need a better marriage so I can pray. Looking at God through the lens of Father-in-Law resolved the dilemma. If a young man came to me, praising me, complimenting me on my character, even singing songs about me and giving me 10 percent of his income, and all the while I knew he was making one of my daughters miserable through abuse or neglect, I’d frankly have nothing to say to him except, “Hey, buddy, start treating my daughter better, and then we can talk. You say you respect me? Then take care of my little girl.”

That would be the first and only thing I’d want to discuss with him every time he approached me. So it makes total sense to me that if I don’t treat Lisa well, respecting her as God’s daughter, with all the privileges such a high standing involves, that my prayer life will be hindered.

Women, to get a feel for how well you’re treating your husband in God’s eyes, just consider how you’d feel if a daughter-in-law treated your boy the way you treat your husband, in any area. Would you thank God for her, or would you be pleading with God that He would convict her and soften her heart?

We can never begin to repay God for what He has done for us. But we can love one of His precious children with devoted excellence. We can make Him smile by the way we take care of His son or daughter.

Gary Thomas is the author of many books on Christian spirituality and marriage and family life. This blog post is an adapted excerpt from his newly revised and updated book, A Lifelong Love: Discovering How Intimacy with God Breathes Passion into Your Marriage.

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

This One Habit Will Be Game-Changing for Others … and Yourself!by Shaunti Feldhahn What Do These Scars Mean? – Taylor Scottby Shaunti Feldhahn Joy Comes In the Morning: It’s OK to Resolve Your Disagreement Tomorrowby Shaunti Feldhahn A Letter To Our 2021 Graduating High School Seniorsby Katie Kenny Phillips [image error] All the Mommy Ladies: What You Said About Being a Momby Shaunti Feldhahn

The post A Prayer That Left Me Gloriously Ruined – Gary Thomas appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

A Prayer That Left Me Gloriously Ruined

Today we are sharing a guest blog from Gary Thomas while Shaunti is in this  season of cancer treatments . Enjoy!

A Prayer That Left Me Gloriously Ruined

By Gary Thomas

I was a young husband, and during an intense time of prayer, I sensed God telling me very directly that Lisa wasn’t just my wife, but she was also His daughter and I was to treat her accordingly. It was an intense application of 1 John 3:1: “See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God.”

This was a moment of revelation for me, and the force of this insight grew once I had kids of my own. If you want to get on my good side, just be good to one of my kids. Conversely, if you really want to make me angry, pick on one of my kids. My blood pressure will go up if your name is even mentioned because I’d much rather you mess with me than with one of my kids.

So when I realized I was married to God’s daughter—and that you, women, are married to God’s sons—everything about how I viewed marriage changed. God feels about my wife—His daughter—in an even holier and more passionate way than I feel about my own daughters. Suddenly, my marriage was no longer about just me and one other person; it was very much a relationship with a passionately interested third partner. I realized one of my primary forms of worship throughout the rest of my life would be honoring God by taking care of a woman who would always be, in His divine mind, “His little girl.”

We often hear pastors contemplate the Fatherhood of God, a wonderful and true doctrine. But if you want to change your marriage, extend this analogy and spend some time meditating about God as Father-in-Law. Because when you marry a believer, He is!

When I disrespect my wife or am condescending toward her, I am courting trouble with her heavenly Father, who feels passionately about her welfare. In a positive sense, when I am actively caring for my wife, loving her, and seeking opportunities to showcase her beauty to others, I am pleasing God on about as high a level as He can be pleased.

“She’s Going to Be Okay”

Three decades ago, my soon-to-be earthly father-in-law broke out in tears during my and Lisa’s wedding rehearsal dinner. Bill wasn’t particularly sentimental, and almost two decades passed before he explained what was behind the tears: “Gary, when you married my daughter, I thought to myself, I don’t have to worry about Lisa. She’s found a guy who will take care of her. She’s going to be okay.”

As the father of two daughters, I can empathize. It’s almost scary to me how desperately I want my daughters to be loved, which helps me understand that the best gift I can give a father-in-law is to take care of and even spoil his little girl. Viewing God as Father-in-Law has helped me understand the apostle Peter’s words when he wrote, “Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect…so that nothing will hinder your prayers” (1 Pet. 3:7).

That used to seem backward to me; I thought I needed to pray for a better marriage, but Peter is telling me I need a better marriage so I can pray. Looking at God through the lens of Father-in-Law resolved the dilemma. If a young man came to me, praising me, complimenting me on my character, even singing songs about me and giving me 10 percent of his income, and all the while I knew he was making one of my daughters miserable through abuse or neglect, I’d frankly have nothing to say to him except, “Hey, buddy, start treating my daughter better, and then we can talk. You say you respect me? Then take care of my little girl.”

That would be the first and only thing I’d want to discuss with him every time he approached me. So it makes total sense to me that if I don’t treat Lisa well, respecting her as God’s daughter, with all the privileges such a high standing involves, that my prayer life will be hindered.

Women, to get a feel for how well you’re treating your husband in God’s eyes, just consider how you’d feel if a daughter-in-law treated your boy the way you treat your husband, in any area. Would you thank God for her, or would you be pleading with God that He would convict her and soften her heart?

We can never begin to repay God for what He has done for us. But we can love one of His precious children with devoted excellence. We can make Him smile by the way we take care of His son or daughter.

Gary Thomas is the author of many books on Christian spirituality and marriage and family life. This blog post is an adapted excerpt from his newly revised and updated book, A Lifelong Love: Discovering How Intimacy with God Breathes Passion into Your Marriage.

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

A Prayer That Left Me Gloriously RuinedWhy Your Attitude Affects Others (and Your Health!)Getting Out of ANY Personal Rut10 Ways To Help a Friend Going Through a DivorceFlex Your Ability to be Happier

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Why Your Attitude Affects Others (and Your Health!)

When you’re with a group of people (friends, kids, colleagues…) who are encountering something legitimately frustrating and starting to grouse about it, what is your natural reaction? Do you go, “heck yeah!” and chime in with your own story? Or are you deeply sorrowful to see people so focused on negative things?

Most of us want to be in the group that shakes their heads sadly at those who complain . . . but privately admit we often act more like the griping middle-schoolers.

As we try to teach our kids—and ourselves!—why a good attitude is so important, take a look at this amazing information. I recently stumbled across a study that proves that our attitude is so overwhelmingly important, it doesn’t just impact our mental health but our physical health as well. Not to mention what we already know: that our attitude also impacts everyone around us.

Emotional and mental outlooks lead to physical outcomes!

When I was trying to decide whether to undergo radiation treatments, I was rather obsessively focused on finding out whether radiation would cause frustrating or potentially debilitating side-effects like fatigue. (Short answer now that I’ve been through it: yes.)

Because I really, really wanted to predict how bad it might be, I couldn’t help myself: I put on my research-nerd hat, read lots of articles, and tried to understand some of the results of the complex studies done by research scientists over the years.

What I found was astonishing: whether someone has potentially debilitating physical side-effects of radiation is due more to their emotional attitude than almost any other factor!

In one key 2018 study in the journal Health Psychology, the researchers tried to understand why radiation fatigue affects some people so differently than others. Why, for example, does debilitating physical fatigue sometimes last for only a few weeks after treatment, where in other cases it persists for many months? The researchers looked at every conceivable factor: whether the patient had chemo as well as radiation, other pre-existing conditions, age, family history, and so on. Only two factors were statistically significant over time: obesity (which impacts estrogen levels in the body) and the person’s attitude!

The researchers found that if the patient “catastrophized” about their fatigue (Oh my gosh, this is horrible, I’m so tired) it lasted far longer! They were much more likely to have their fatigue for months or even years. On the other hand, if they had the attitude of Yeah, this is a pain in the neck but I’ll get through it and move on, they were much less likely to have the fatigue at all after a few weeks!

Their emotional and mental outlook led to a purely physical outcome. I thought that was fascinating! And can I tell you just how much seeing that study convicted me about my hyper-focus and worry about whether I would have debilitating fatigue or not?! As soon as I read that study, I took off my research-nerd hat, shut off my computer, and said, “I think I have enough information about the possibilities now . . .  and yeah, there might be some fatigue (which there has been) but I’ll get through it fine (which I am!).”

Your attitude is an example to others.

A final important note: If our attitude is so important as to impact not only our mental health but our physical condition, then it is even more important that we be good role models to the world and not bad ones.

As I shared this research with colleagues and friends, I heard multiple stories about people in their lives who had vividly demonstrated the power of a beautiful attitude: this colleague’s mother had faced devastating terminal cancer with such grace and faith; this friend’s brother had endured chronic physical pain without wallowing in self-pity (which, my friend assured me, would probably have been justified!). Seeing the attitude of their loved ones had a long-term impact on the people telling me the stories, including on their own desire to function with a sense of meaning, purpose, and joy.

I mentioned in an earlier blog just how supportive the cancer community is, and how striking is the sense of peace and even joy at the cancer center where I receive my own care. In thinking about all this, I realized that this mutually reinforcing positive attitude is one of the key factors responsible for that sense of support. Because a poor attitude is so out of place, it probably won’t last very long.

Like everyone else, I have in the past encountered members of the medical profession who are caring, I’m sure, but who are busy and quite short with their patients. One day at the cancer center, I was quite jarred—even shaken –by the dismissive words and actions of one particular nurse. It took me almost the whole drive home to realize the issue: because she was not particularly supportive in her words or tone, she stuck out like a sore thumb in an environment where everyone is kind to each other! 

Again: what was the difference? Attitude.

To such a large degree, being uplifted or downtrodden is up to us.

As we fix our minds on what is good, what is lovely, what is praiseworthy (Philippians 4:8), and as we orient our spirits toward the true source of joy, our bodies respond. Isn’t that a bit like a miracle?

And for all of us—whether we’re fighting an illness, a challenging relationship situation, or shaky finances—our attitude has power. It affects ourselves and everyone around us.

So, what are you focusing on today? Where is your mental energy going? What words are you speaking to yourself? As we may have said to our kids a time or two—check your attitude! Re-orient your mind and your spirit. Count your blessings. Then let that attitude spill over to everyone around you.

Find Christ-focused wonder in the midst of everyday life no matter what your situation might be. Pick up a copy of Shaunti’s latest devotional, Find Joy, available in major bookstores.

Check out Shaunti’s latest book and Discussion Guide (co-authored with her husband, Jeff), Thriving in Love and Money. Because you need a better relationship, not just a better budget.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post Why Your Attitude Affects Others (and Your Health!) appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Getting Out of ANY Personal Rut

By now, you may have seen this very short and funny video. A video that could be used to illustrate a dozen different sermons, corporate keynotes or school lessons. A video that had me laughing so hard, I just had to hit play about 5 times. Take a look:

Yo en la vida. pic.twitter.com/45QYhU670w

— Victoriano Aizpurú (@urupzia) April 17, 2021

Does that hit home with you, too? I see that sheep struggle free, bound away, soar eagerly into the air –and straight back to where it was before. There is a wincing realization that this is so often me. (And that the Bible’s description of us as “sheep” is not a compliment!)

For example, how often do I fall into the same old personal ruts of snapping at my kids, being rude on the highway, or making my wonderful husband feel like I don’t appreciate all he does for us? (And how often do I feel like just a teensy hypocrite after writing books on parenting, kindness and the appreciation men need from their wives?! Oy!)

Thankfully, there is also a great encouragement here for those of us who want to actually change our ways.

To get out of any rut, you have to realize why you got into it in the first place

Think of yourself as the sheep and the rut as a neural pathway in your brain.

Doing something repeatedly forms those neural pathways. The more you do that thing (allow yourself to fume at the drivers on the highway or snap at the kids when provoked), the stronger and “deeper” that pathway becomes. Those brain patterns lead to patterns of thought and/or action – in other words, to habits. Habits that become almost automatic.

In other words: You squirm free of the rut, bound away – and fall right back into it.

But thankfully that isn’t the end of the story.

A neural pathway can lead to positive habits instead!

Here’s the key point: those patterns of thought can be good ones, not just bad ones! 

The word “rut” by definition implies a negative trend. But what if you could make it a positive trend instead? Our tendencies may lean toward creating a negative rut a bit more naturally. But with a little attention we can just as easily create a deep gully that leads in life-giving, healthy directions.

For example, suppose one of your “ruts” is that you tend to complain about people who annoy you, and you know you should stop. You sincerely want to stop. So you take the hard step of squirming free of that rut (“I’m so sorry I posted that comment about you, please forgive me.”), bound away (“I’m never doing that again!”) … and fall right back into it the next time you’re provoked.

What do you do?

Practice, practice, practice the thoughts or actions that you want to make “your” gully

As the sheep discovered, simply trying to avoid a rut that is sitting there waiting to trap you doesn’t work very well. Because, given the way neural pathways work, you are going to find your way into and travel along a gully of some sort! The question is which one.

You need to fill in the bad gully – and dig out and travel in the positive one!

Taking the example of “I want to stop complaining about people so much,” what if you create a personal affirmation rule? You say that for one month, if you ever want to say something negative about someone, that you say something positive and affirming instead? Well, pretty soon, you’ll see those negative thoughts actually not arising as often to begin with, and the positive ones appearing in their place. You are creating a deeper and deeper positive gully in your thoughts.

And if you keep going, those positive, kind, uplifting thoughts and words about people will be your norm! The negative ones will feel unsettled and uncomfortable. So if you ever find yourself having a bad day or grumpy thoughts about someone, those are now outside your normal pathways. As a result, you will likely find yourself gratefully landing on thoughts that are positive, peaceful, and uplifting instead.

Whatever you practice will become your default pattern.

As I pointed out in one of the daily devotionals in my devotional book Find Joy (which deals with this topic, among others), “Negative chatter and a complaining heart are just us being really good at practicing the wrong thing.”

Let’s all remember the “sheep video” and make a commitment to fill in those entrapping ruts by purposely stopping ourselves from practicing the wrong things – and practicing the right things instead.

Find Christ-focused wonder in the midst of everyday life no matter what your situation might be. Pick up a copy of Shaunti’s latest devotional, Find Joy, available in major bookstores.

Check out Shaunti’s latest book and Discussion Guide (co-authored with her husband, Jeff), Thriving in Love and Money. Because you need a better relationship, not just a better budget.

This article was first published at Patheos.

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

Getting Out of ANY Personal Rut10 Ways To Help a Friend Going Through a DivorceFlex Your Ability to be HappierWhy Your “Type” Isn’t Always Good For YouFour Phrases Your Wife Would Love To Hear From You

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10 Ways To Help a Friend Going Through a Divorce – Janna Kasza

Today we are sharing a guest blog from Janna Kasza while Shaunti is in this season of cancer treatments. Enjoy!

10 Ways To Help a Friend Going Through a Divorce
by Janna Kasza

If you told me a few years ago I would know what it feels like to be going through a divorce, I would’ve told you, “No! That will never be me.” I was devoted and dedicated to my marriage and the spouse God gave me.

Fast forward to today—I know exactly how it feels.

First, let me give you a mental picture. Think of the greatest devastation you’ve ever experienced, the kind of situation that left you clinging to every breath and grasping fistfuls of Jesus, wondering how you could face another day. This is the pain of divorce, and it lasts a long, long time. For me, this pain was unlike anything else I have ever experienced; deeper, visceral. Like I was watching my heart be removed from my body and was helpless to stop it.

While every divorce is unique, they are all painful. Some are particularly more devastating than others, but none are easy or pain free. That’s by design … God’s plan for marriage never included divorce. “What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate” (Mark 10:9).

Every marriage is different, and every divorce will be different. But one thing is the same—a bond God created for life has been severed, torn apart, and forever broken.

How to help a friend going through divorce

So how can you come alongside your friend and walk with them on this road? Let me tell you about some of the hands and feet of Jesus that showed up for me along the way. They are forever in my heart.

1. Listen.

Listen, listen, listen. Did I mention listen? Don’t offer your opinion unless it’s asked for, but provide your friend opportunities to share.

Sometimes that looks like just showing up with a coffee or inviting them to take a walk with you. Other times, it’s a regular phone call or even just a simple text of “Hey, how can I pray for you today?” There were moments I was unable to respond with anything more than a “thank you” or changing the topic off of myself. But knowing they cared enough to check in with me regularly was a huge blessing.

Often, the words I was said were jumbled or all bunched together, but just the ability to get them out to another human was healing.

Above all else, while you listen don’t say, “It’s for the best,” or “It’s time to move on now.” Let them feel the pain and experience the struggle so they can heal. It’s never for the “best.”

Yes, maybe divorce was necessary for safety, or maybe their spouse was the one who filed for divorce. But the “best” would have been healing, redemption, and restoration. Sin happens and sometimes there is no other way but out, but it’s still not the BEST. Those words stung hard when I heard them, please spare your friends that pain.

2. Don’t ask a friend going through a divorce if they’re OK.

They are not OK, not by a long shot. Asking this forces them to come up with an answer on the spot. Instead, ask what they are planning for dinner. If they don’t know, offer to drop something off or invite them over. Or ask if they want to join in your weekend plans, because they are living breath by breath and probably haven’t planned anything.

I appreciated the people who didn’t start every conversation with “How are you?” because I was not OK. And they typically weren’t up for hearing the real answer.

3. Help them pack.

There is always a transition involved with going through a divorce. Maybe it’s packing up their things to relocate or maybe it’s packing up their former spouse’s items to move them out.

I’ll always appreciate the friends that helped me pack up my children’s and my things. I would have never gotten through it alone. I would probably have tossed it all in a dumpster and regretted it later. Anything to make the pain stop. Instead, my items were carefully packed, labeled, and loaded into a moving truck. The entire process was a blur, but the practical love shown still brings me to my knees with thankfulness.

Be this person for someone else, it will forever connect your hearts.

4. Don’t forget the kids.

If your friend is a parent to young kids, they are also in the middle of the fire. Offer to watch them or have them join your family for a few adventures. Do this OFTEN. You might think you’re being annoying, but trust me, you’re not. You’re Jesus in action.

Remember, their parent or parents are living moment to moment in the beginning of going through a divorce and probably don’t have much to offer their kids right now. Offering to care for the kids is just as much a blessing to the kids as the parents, as it’s likely the kids’ emotional cups are running on empty.

If you want to take this one step further, ask your friend if you can text or message the children. This gives the kids one more safe person to check in with and helps to balance the load on the single parent. My kids loved this, and I appreciated knowing they had another adult investing in them.

As an added bonus, my friends were able to help me monitor my children’s emotional health through this process.

5. Help your friend prioritize self-care and soul care.

Have you ever heard of “pregnancy brain”? Well, “divorce brain” is a thing, too.

We aren’t thinking clearly and can’t remember to do basic things like schedule a hair appointment before the split ends rage or take care of those calloused feet before the summer sandal season.

Offer to watch their kids or handle a school pick-up so they can take care of their personal needs. If they say no … persist. They’ll thank you for it later. Don’t let them pass up basic self-care.

For soul care, offer to memorize Scripture with your friend. Send them daily verses via text to encourage. These were life-giving to me as fuel to make it through the day.

In my first year of going through a divorce, my therapist shared a daily scripture calendar with me. It was amazingly providential as so often the daily verses seemed to align with exactly what I needed to hear that day. Verses of promise, safety, love, care, and protection. Oh, how the Father’s timing is always perfect.

And of course, pray.  The sweet words of many friends, “Can I pray with you?” or “How can I best pray?” were heard so often at the end of a phone call, in a text, or before we parted ways. They meant it, and I felt it. There is nothing quite like the prayer of many saints covering you.

6. Feed them.

In the first few months of going through a divorce, I made the same kid-friendly meal on repeat: tots, over-easy eggs, and burgers sans buns. (Sounds strange, but this was my kids’ favorite meal. We had chickens, so eggs abounded.) I could make this meal without thinking about it, and I did … too much.

To this day, my kids still can’t eat it. Sorry kids!

Spare your friend’s kids and set up a meal train. It doesn’t have to be daily, but a schedule of knowing the days you don’t have to worry about food is a lifesaver. Plus, your friend might actually eat if they don’t have to prepare it. #SelfCare. Yeah, we need all the help in that space.

7. Offer practical blessings.

For the first year or so, your friend probably won’t notice the flower beds are dead and the lawn needed to be mowed last week. Or that the ring around the tub might now have reached “pressure washing” status.

This was me. I had trees down over fences, a gate falling off the hinge, and just a hot mess everywhere. My sister organized a “work day” at my house and gathered volunteers to help me get back on top of home maintenance. It was such an unexpected blessing.

Consider getting a crew together to help with basic maintenance around their house. See if you can help fill those gaps in the short run, or consider taking up a collection between friends to help pay for a handyman or cleaning service if that would be a better fit. This is the literal meaning of the “Hands and Feet of Jesus” and, wow, it will be so meaningful to them.

8. Understand that holidays hurt.

Holidays have memories and traditions all their own, and now many of them have been erased in the fire of divorce. Family gatherings will be different or nonexistent. Kids might be with their other parent.

The first few holiday seasons while going through a divorce will be exceptionally hard. Start early and help them come up with new traditions or modifications on the old ones. They might want to join your family in the first year, and if you can, let them! Depression is a monster during the holidays. So even if they decline your invitation, make sure you at least drop in to check on them with a peppermint mocha and a hug.

9. Let them be needy.

Be prepared for your friend to be needy, very needy. Coffee dates and more coffee dates, and did I mention coffee dates? If it’s not coffee, find whatever it is he or she can do to unplug, unwind, and share their heart with you. That might be going for a walk, working out, working in the garden together, or maybe it’s helping them clean their house. But it’s probably mostly coffee.

We’re needy in the beginning—there’s suddenly a giant hole in our lives. Eventually we figure it out, but we’ll probably test the boundaries of friendship in those early days of trying to get our footing in this new life.

“The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18 ).

10. Remember their anniversary.

They won’t want you to bring it up by name, and they don’t want to celebrate. But remember the day—you know they sure do. Be there so they don’t get stuck inside their own head. Plan something, keep their mind busy. Don’t you dare let your friend spend that day alone for the first year or two.

This list is really just the beginning of how God showed up through friends and family during my darkest moments. I’m still walking through them in many ways, but I know I’m not alone. And I’m forever grateful to those who chose to walk alongside me and my children.

As you think about your friend going through a divorce, I encourage you to get involved, and above all else, pray. Pray to the God of all comfort who is able to do exceedingly more than all you ask or imagine.

“Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us” (Ephesians 3:20).

This article originally appeared on FamilyLife.com.

Copyright © 2021 by FamilyLife. Used by permission.

More from Shaunti’s Blog:

This One Habit Will Be Game-Changing for Others … and Yourself!by Shaunti Feldhahn What Do These Scars Mean? – Taylor Scottby Shaunti Feldhahn Joy Comes In the Morning: It’s OK to Resolve Your Disagreement Tomorrowby Shaunti Feldhahn A Letter To Our 2021 Graduating High School Seniorsby Katie Kenny Phillips [image error] All the Mommy Ladies: What You Said About Being a Momby Shaunti Feldhahn #mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */ .button {background-color: #3389C2;background:#3389C2;color: #fff} Receive Shaunti’s Blog & Updates* indicates required Email Address * (function($) {window.fnames = new Array(); window.ftypes = new Array();fnames[0]='EMAIL';ftypes[0]='email';fnames[1]='FNAME';ftypes[1]='text';fnames[2]='LNAME';ftypes[2]='text';fnames[3]='SOURCE';ftypes[3]='text';fnames[4]='MMERGE4';ftypes[4]='text';fnames[5]='MMERGE5';ftypes[5]='date';fnames[6]='MMERGE6';ftypes[6]='text';fnames[7]='MMERGE7';ftypes[7]='text';fnames[8]='MMERGE8';ftypes[8]='text';fnames[9]='MMERGE9';ftypes[9]='text';fnames[10]='MMERGE10';ftypes[10]='phone';}(jQuery));var $mcj = jQuery.noConflict(true);

The post 10 Ways To Help a Friend Going Through a Divorce – Janna Kasza appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

10 Ways To Help a Friend Going Through a Divorce

Today we are sharing a guest blog from Janna Kasza while Shaunti is in this season of cancer treatments. Enjoy!

10 Ways To Help a Friend Going Through a Divorce
by Janna Kasza

If you told me a few years ago I would know what it feels like to be going through a divorce, I would’ve told you, “No! That will never be me.” I was devoted and dedicated to my marriage and the spouse God gave me.

Fast forward to today—I know exactly how it feels.

First, let me give you a mental picture. Think of the greatest devastation you’ve ever experienced, the kind of situation that left you clinging to every breath and grasping fistfuls of Jesus, wondering how you could face another day. This is the pain of divorce, and it lasts a long, long time. For me, this pain was unlike anything else I have ever experienced; deeper, visceral. Like I was watching my heart be removed from my body and was helpless to stop it.

While every divorce is unique, they are all painful. Some are particularly more devastating than others, but none are easy or pain free. That’s by design … God’s plan for marriage never included divorce. “What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate” (Mark 10:9).

Every marriage is different, and every divorce will be different. But one thing is the same—a bond God created for life has been severed, torn apart, and forever broken.

How to help a friend going through divorce

So how can you come alongside your friend and walk with them on this road? Let me tell you about some of the hands and feet of Jesus that showed up for me along the way. They are forever in my heart.

1. Listen.

Listen, listen, listen. Did I mention listen? Don’t offer your opinion unless it’s asked for, but provide your friend opportunities to share.

Sometimes that looks like just showing up with a coffee or inviting them to take a walk with you. Other times, it’s a regular phone call or even just a simple text of “Hey, how can I pray for you today?” There were moments I was unable to respond with anything more than a “thank you” or changing the topic off of myself. But knowing they cared enough to check in with me regularly was a huge blessing.

Often, the words I was said were jumbled or all bunched together, but just the ability to get them out to another human was healing.

Above all else, while you listen don’t say, “It’s for the best,” or “It’s time to move on now.” Let them feel the pain and experience the struggle so they can heal. It’s never for the “best.”

Yes, maybe divorce was necessary for safety, or maybe their spouse was the one who filed for divorce. But the “best” would have been healing, redemption, and restoration. Sin happens and sometimes there is no other way but out, but it’s still not the BEST. Those words stung hard when I heard them, please spare your friends that pain.

2. Don’t ask a friend going through a divorce if they’re OK.

They are not OK, not by a long shot. Asking this forces them to come up with an answer on the spot. Instead, ask what they are planning for dinner. If they don’t know, offer to drop something off or invite them over. Or ask if they want to join in your weekend plans, because they are living breath by breath and probably haven’t planned anything.

I appreciated the people who didn’t start every conversation with “How are you?” because I was not OK. And they typically weren’t up for hearing the real answer.

3. Help them pack.

There is always a transition involved with going through a divorce. Maybe it’s packing up their things to relocate or maybe it’s packing up their former spouse’s items to move them out.

I’ll always appreciate the friends that helped me pack up my children’s and my things. I would have never gotten through it alone. I would probably have tossed it all in a dumpster and regretted it later. Anything to make the pain stop. Instead, my items were carefully packed, labeled, and loaded into a moving truck. The entire process was a blur, but the practical love shown still brings me to my knees with thankfulness.

Be this person for someone else, it will forever connect your hearts.

4. Don’t forget the kids.

If your friend is a parent to young kids, they are also in the middle of the fire. Offer to watch them or have them join your family for a few adventures. Do this OFTEN. You might think you’re being annoying, but trust me, you’re not. You’re Jesus in action.

Remember, their parent or parents are living moment to moment in the beginning of going through a divorce and probably don’t have much to offer their kids right now. Offering to care for the kids is just as much a blessing to the kids as the parents, as it’s likely the kids’ emotional cups are running on empty.

If you want to take this one step further, ask your friend if you can text or message the children. This gives the kids one more safe person to check in with and helps to balance the load on the single parent. My kids loved this, and I appreciated knowing they had another adult investing in them.

As an added bonus, my friends were able to help me monitor my children’s emotional health through this process.

5. Help your friend prioritize self-care and soul care.

Have you ever heard of “pregnancy brain”? Well, “divorce brain” is a thing, too.

We aren’t thinking clearly and can’t remember to do basic things like schedule a hair appointment before the split ends rage or take care of those calloused feet before the summer sandal season.

Offer to watch their kids or handle a school pick-up so they can take care of their personal needs. If they say no … persist. They’ll thank you for it later. Don’t let them pass up basic self-care.

For soul care, offer to memorize Scripture with your friend. Send them daily verses via text to encourage. These were life-giving to me as fuel to make it through the day.

In my first year of going through a divorce, my therapist shared a daily scripture calendar with me. It was amazingly providential as so often the daily verses seemed to align with exactly what I needed to hear that day. Verses of promise, safety, love, care, and protection. Oh, how the Father’s timing is always perfect.

And of course, pray.  The sweet words of many friends, “Can I pray with you?” or “How can I best pray?” were heard so often at the end of a phone call, in a text, or before we parted ways. They meant it, and I felt it. There is nothing quite like the prayer of many saints covering you.

6. Feed them.

In the first few months of going through a divorce, I made the same kid-friendly meal on repeat: tots, over-easy eggs, and burgers sans buns. (Sounds strange, but this was my kids’ favorite meal. We had chickens, so eggs abounded.) I could make this meal without thinking about it, and I did … too much.

To this day, my kids still can’t eat it. Sorry kids!

Spare your friend’s kids and set up a meal train. It doesn’t have to be daily, but a schedule of knowing the days you don’t have to worry about food is a lifesaver. Plus, your friend might actually eat if they don’t have to prepare it. #SelfCare. Yeah, we need all the help in that space.

7. Offer practical blessings.

For the first year or so, your friend probably won’t notice the flower beds are dead and the lawn needed to be mowed last week. Or that the ring around the tub might now have reached “pressure washing” status.

This was me. I had trees down over fences, a gate falling off the hinge, and just a hot mess everywhere. My sister organized a “work day” at my house and gathered volunteers to help me get back on top of home maintenance. It was such an unexpected blessing.

Consider getting a crew together to help with basic maintenance around their house. See if you can help fill those gaps in the short run, or consider taking up a collection between friends to help pay for a handyman or cleaning service if that would be a better fit. This is the literal meaning of the “Hands and Feet of Jesus” and, wow, it will be so meaningful to them.

8. Understand that holidays hurt.

Holidays have memories and traditions all their own, and now many of them have been erased in the fire of divorce. Family gatherings will be different or nonexistent. Kids might be with their other parent.

The first few holiday seasons while going through a divorce will be exceptionally hard. Start early and help them come up with new traditions or modifications on the old ones. They might want to join your family in the first year, and if you can, let them! Depression is a monster during the holidays. So even if they decline your invitation, make sure you at least drop in to check on them with a peppermint mocha and a hug.

9. Let them be needy.

Be prepared for your friend to be needy, very needy. Coffee dates and more coffee dates, and did I mention coffee dates? If it’s not coffee, find whatever it is he or she can do to unplug, unwind, and share their heart with you. That might be going for a walk, working out, working in the garden together, or maybe it’s helping them clean their house. But it’s probably mostly coffee.

We’re needy in the beginning—there’s suddenly a giant hole in our lives. Eventually we figure it out, but we’ll probably test the boundaries of friendship in those early days of trying to get our footing in this new life.

“The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18 ).

10. Remember their anniversary.

They won’t want you to bring it up by name, and they don’t want to celebrate. But remember the day—you know they sure do. Be there so they don’t get stuck inside their own head. Plan something, keep their mind busy. Don’t you dare let your friend spend that day alone for the first year or two.

This list is really just the beginning of how God showed up through friends and family during my darkest moments. I’m still walking through them in many ways, but I know I’m not alone. And I’m forever grateful to those who chose to walk alongside me and my children.

As you think about your friend going through a divorce, I encourage you to get involved, and above all else, pray. Pray to the God of all comfort who is able to do exceedingly more than all you ask or imagine.

“Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us” (Ephesians 3:20).

This article originally appeared on FamilyLife.com.

Copyright © 2021 by FamilyLife. Used by permission.

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