Shaunti Feldhahn's Blog, page 2

What To Do When One Spouse Earns All the Income

Sam and Sara juggle so much, they might as well be in the circus. Sara stays home with their three young children. Sam works a high-stress, high-travel job to financially provide for the family. Each spouse is doing what they have always wanted to do and feels pride in doing it well.

Yet some unique stressors come with their “one breadwinner” family model.  

As an example, Sam arrived home from the airport and began making dinner for the family. As he cooked, he described his exciting two-day business trip, which included lunch with a celebrity at a famous historical site. He was so eager to share his experience that he didn’t notice Sara was covered in spit-up, her hair askew, and getting more and more upset.  

Finally, she unloaded. “I haven’t left this apartment in three days. I haven’t even been able to shower today. Forgive me if I have trouble getting excited when you describe these amazing trips and meals, when I haven’t been able to have a meal out for two months.” 

Sam and Sara had just hit a tripwire—a false belief or personal frustration that could end up being a trap for their relationship if they didn’t see it and address it well. Here are four tripwires common to single-income families, countered by research-backed solutions, that can help Sara and Sam (and you) tackle money concerns as a team.  

Tripwire #1: “The main breadwinner should control the family finances.”  

In our nationally representative survey of 1,800 men and women for Thriving in Love & Money, 40% of respondents believed that the person who earns more money should control it. Even among sole breadwinners who say they don’t believe that, seven in ten still live as if they do—agreeing that their partner should defer to their strong opinions on financial matters. 

The issue here is ownership: Who “owns” what, and who gets to control it. 

What to Do: Remember, you both own all of it!

In single-income families, both the spouse holding down the job and the spouse holding down the home front are essential to providing financially and meeting the needs of the family. 

There were several years when my books hit bestseller lists, I traveled to dozens of speaking engagements, and technically, I was making more money. But, no, “I” wasn’t. Because meeting book deadlines and getting on the plane would have never happened in the first place if Jeff hadn’t been willing to adjust his schedule to cover things at home.  

In a marriage, we each take on individual roles while keeping everything humming, but that “everything” is a family calling. We are not two unconnected people with two siloed callings—we have one overall calling. And each role in filling that calling is equally important. 

Tripwire #2- “Why don’t you help with the kids when you get home?” 

Let’s look at another common tripwire. A husband gets home from a grueling day on a job site to find his wife at the door with car keys in hand, eager to just wander around Target. ALONE. He can’t believe that she would expect him to put in “extra hours” with their young kids after such a long day. She simmers over his self-focus and lack of understanding about her need for time away. 

What to Do: Believe that your spouse cares, and schedule breaks . 

According to my research for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, more than 99% of individuals said they care about their spouse and want what’s best for them, even in painful times. This is a good truth to hang onto in moments like these. 

Many one-income couples forget that both spouses have worked hard all day and that they are on the same team. So, stop, reaffirm that you have each other’s back, and then make a concrete plan that allows each person to get needed breaks. 

Tripwire #3: “Business lunches vs. diapers—it’s not fair!” 

To the stay-at-home parent, the stark contrast of lifestyles can seem downright unfair. (“Oh, you had a business lunch—again—at the Hotel Swank? That’s nice. I wiped vomit all day and I think some of it is still in my hair.”) 

Financial stress can also creep in when one spouse (either one) naturally spends money more easily. One of our survey respondents put it this way: “You, my dear husband, get to go have business lunches while I’m changing diapers. And that is fine because we decided this together – but it stops being fine if I feel like I have to ask for money that should be mine just as much as yours.”

As a reverse example, one man told me, “I’m delighted that my wife can stay home, but she now has the freedom to be out shopping with friends while I don’t even have time to leave my desk.”  

What to Do: Set aside a monthly amount for each partner to spend however they like.   

In our research, couples who had a monthly amount they could spend any way they wanted were much more likely to be very happy in their marriage.  

Tripwire #4: “My expectations aren’t met, and this is boiling over into resentment!”  

In Sara and Sam’s example, Sara had been wrestling with resentment, which our research found is the most dangerous tension related to finances. Those who struggle with resentment over money are statistically more likely to see it seep into other relational patterns.  

What to Do: Set up a regular money check-in.  

We also found that financial stresses can, if handled well, lead to deeper connection. Why? Those stresses might drive couples to the necessity of better and more regular conversation about money. We even found that couples with more money but less communication are often less happy. More money does not solve this problem. Connection does. 

In fact, as it turns out, both connection and contentment trump a large bank account. 

In Thriving in Love & Money, we shared about a couple who radiated close connection, dependence on God, and deep peace despite tight finances. But it hadn’t always been that way. The husband shared: 

“I’ve always been a person who worries about money. I would stress to the point of panic attacks … [then] for some reason I started to really listen [at church]. I talked to God, and I put it in His hands. It worked. I make $18 an hour, and we have a family of five in one of the most expensive cities in the country … Somehow, some way we make it happen.” 

Raising kids on one income can lead to unique stressors. But, thankfully, walking through the stress well can disarm all those tripwires and bring us closer in the end.  

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

On our podcast, I Wish You Could Hear This, Jeff and I offer proven steps to help you thrive in your life, faith and relationships. In other words, we’ll offer the practical help you’ve grown accustomed to right here in this blog space.  You’ll take away specific steps that help you today. Listen, follow, and share with your friends on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify and other platforms.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

#mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */ .button {background-color: #3389C2;background:#3389C2;color: #fff} Receive Shaunti’s Blog & Updates* indicates required Email Address * (function($) {window.fnames = new Array(); window.ftypes = new Array();fnames[0]='EMAIL';ftypes[0]='email';fnames[1]='FNAME';ftypes[1]='text';fnames[2]='LNAME';ftypes[2]='text';fnames[3]='SOURCE';ftypes[3]='text';fnames[4]='MMERGE4';ftypes[4]='text';fnames[5]='MMERGE5';ftypes[5]='date';fnames[6]='MMERGE6';ftypes[6]='text';fnames[7]='MMERGE7';ftypes[7]='text';fnames[8]='MMERGE8';ftypes[8]='text';fnames[9]='MMERGE9';ftypes[9]='text';fnames[10]='MMERGE10';ftypes[10]='phone';}(jQuery));var $mcj = jQuery.noConflict(true);More from Shaunti’s Blog: What To Do When One Spouse Earns All the Income Sam and Sara juggle so much, they might as well be in the circus. Sara stays home with their three… How to Be Kind to YourselfRecently, Jeff and our son Luke worked on outside projects all morning in the Atlanta heat, while I worked on… Favorite Podcast Moments– and a Big AnnouncementHi everyone!  This Fourth of July week marks the end of Season 1 of our new podcast I Wish You… What I’m Loving Lately – Summer 2025Sometimes it’s good to simply stop and laugh out loud. Or even to tear up with a good cry. I… A Boy Mom Cracks the Code on Male Behavior with Jenilee Samuel If you’re trying to figure out how the boys (and men) in your life operate, this week’s guest on the… Fatherhood Goes Viral: Dave Barnes Ponders the Laboratory Called HomeThis week’s Father’s Day guest blog comes to you from singer/songwriter and co-host of the Dadville podcast Dave Barnes. I…

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How to Be Kind to Yourself

Recently, Jeff and our son Luke worked on outside projects all morning in the Atlanta heat, while I worked on a research deadline. Inside. In the air conditioning.

So, I figured the least I could do was make them a favorite meal for lunch: savory baked cheeseburger pockets. There was just one problem. I was so distracted by the research deadline that I completely forgot the cheese. I had a beautifully baked but tasteless meal to serve my hard-working, sweaty, exhausted guys. As my son stood there with his plate, I found myself not only apologizing but saying, “I’m such an idiot.”

He looked at me funny. After all, I had been all over our kids for years to stamp out that kind of negative self-talk. And here I was doing it myself… right in front of him. Turns out, I wasn’t nearly as attuned to negative self-talk when it was my own!

How about you? If you pay a bill late or your boss points out something that needs correction, are you more likely to say to yourself:

I am always a step behind.I am a total screw-up. I never get things right.I am doing the best I can, especially with everything that’s on my plate right now.

With the last one, you toss a little kindness to yourself. The first ones? Not so much. But being purposefully kind to yourself is an absolutely essential characteristic for a thriving life.

When I set out to study kindness ten years ago, and subsequently wrote The Kindness Challenge, the research eventually quantified how kindness—when directed intentionally toward one person for 30 days—improved that relationship. The data was astounding! Of those who took The 30-Day Kindness Challenge, nearly nine in ten reported that their target relationship improved. This was true for even the most difficult relationships.

Recently my staff director Eileen Kirkland, one of the kindest people I know, pointed out that we usually think about kindness as something we extend to others—being patient with a coworker, showing appreciation to a spouse, or forgiving a friend. Yet we often overlook ourselves. Our self-talk sometimes isn’t so great.

She got our whole staff thinking …

What would it look like to take The 30-Day Kindness Challenge with ourselves as the recipients? What if we started correcting our own running commentary of self-criticism?

It’s an interesting idea—one that frankly holds the power to open up more positivity and hope in our lives. So if you think you might benefit, here are the house rules for a “kindness to yourself” version of The 30-Day Kindness Challenge. You can also refer to the link if you want to see specific, daily ideas (adapting them, of course, for yourself.)

Step 1: Say nothing negative about yourself to yourself or to anyone else.

In the traditional 30-Day Kindness Challenge, let’s say you were taking the challenge with your spouse in mind. This would mean that you say nothing derogatory about your spouse to your spouse or to anyone else about your spouse.

In other words, nix the negative.

So, with yourself in mind, for 30 days:

Don’t mutter ugly self-talk to yourself or think it in your mind. If you slip, rebuke it with truth. (For Bible readers, Psalm 139:13-14 and Isaiah 43:1-4 are great verses to reference and memorize.)Don’t degrade or express irritation about yourself to others.

We say things to ourselves we would never dream of saying to someone else. Imagine how your life might change if you spoke to yourself with the same encouragement you’d offer a friend.

Step 2: Each day, find one thing about yourself to affirm, and tell yourself and someone else.

Anyone who watched Stuart Smalley on Saturday Night Live in the 1990s (“I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me”), may resist this step as hokey.

It’s not!

Sometimes we just need to stop for a moment, put ourselves in the gentle cycle, and “tell ourselves” what we’re doing right. I especially think of young moms here. It’s so easy (especially with social media lunging everyone else’s “perfect” kids at us) to think we’re falling short.

Let’s resist this temptation to feel defeated by purposefully engaging in self-talk that acknowledges the good things. And if you have someone safe—like a spouse or best friend—who will go on this 30-day journey with you, tell them each day what you come up with.

This could be as simple as:

“I am a patient mom who gives my kids a lot of room to learn from mistakes.”“I handled that meeting at work really well today.”“God has been showing me so much about grace—and I think it’s rubbing off in how I treat my spouse.”Step 3: Each day, do a small act of generosity for yourself

Finally, do one intentional action of self-kindness each day. It doesn’t have to be grand. It could be going for a walk, making a healthy meal, getting enough sleep, or simply reading a chapter in a book. These actions reinforce a vital truth: you are worth caring for.

What fills you? Do more of that. What drains you? Do less of that.

My research into kindness uncovered something unexpected: kindness changes the giver as much as the receiver. In aiming kindness at ourselves, we may find that we soften, heal, and grow. We may reprioritize things. We may become aware of how negative our self-talk is. For those who are made in God’s image (which is all of us), how our self-scorn must hurt God’s heart!

If you’re walking through a tough season—stress, burnout, disappointment—remember: kindness is a superpower. It’s not just for the people around you. It’s for you, too.

Start today. Speak life to yourself. Here are a few truths from scripture that will help:

              I am a child of God (1 John 3:1)

              I am a new creation in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17)

              I am God’s workmanship, created for good works (Ephesians 2:10)

If you embark on this unique 30-day journey, please let me know. Comment on this blog post at shaunti.com/blog or drop an email to webcontact@shaunti.com. I’m excited about this different spin on the original Challenge.

What our world needs more of right now is kindness. How cool would it be simply to start with ourselves?

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

On our podcast, I Wish You Could Hear This, Jeff and I offer proven steps to help you thrive in your life, faith and relationships. In other words, we’ll offer the practical help you’ve grown accustomed to right here in this blog space.  You’ll take away specific steps that help you today. Listen, follow, and share with your friends on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify and other platforms.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

#mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */ .button {background-color: #3389C2;background:#3389C2;color: #fff} Receive Shaunti’s Blog & Updates* indicates required Email Address * (function($) {window.fnames = new Array(); window.ftypes = new Array();fnames[0]='EMAIL';ftypes[0]='email';fnames[1]='FNAME';ftypes[1]='text';fnames[2]='LNAME';ftypes[2]='text';fnames[3]='SOURCE';ftypes[3]='text';fnames[4]='MMERGE4';ftypes[4]='text';fnames[5]='MMERGE5';ftypes[5]='date';fnames[6]='MMERGE6';ftypes[6]='text';fnames[7]='MMERGE7';ftypes[7]='text';fnames[8]='MMERGE8';ftypes[8]='text';fnames[9]='MMERGE9';ftypes[9]='text';fnames[10]='MMERGE10';ftypes[10]='phone';}(jQuery));var $mcj = jQuery.noConflict(true);More from Shaunti’s Blog: How to Be Kind to YourselfRecently, Jeff and our son Luke worked on outside projects all morning in the Atlanta heat, while I worked on… Favorite Podcast Moments– and a Big AnnouncementHi everyone!  This Fourth of July week marks the end of Season 1 of our new podcast I Wish You… What I’m Loving Lately – Summer 2025Sometimes it’s good to simply stop and laugh out loud. Or even to tear up with a good cry. I… A Boy Mom Cracks the Code on Male Behavior with Jenilee Samuel If you’re trying to figure out how the boys (and men) in your life operate, this week’s guest on the… Fatherhood Goes Viral: Dave Barnes Ponders the Laboratory Called HomeThis week’s Father’s Day guest blog comes to you from singer/songwriter and co-host of the Dadville podcast Dave Barnes. I… Making Marriage EasierHave you ever wished your marriage was just … easier? No retreating to corners, feeling like roommates, or feeling like…

The post How to Be Kind to Yourself appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Favorite Podcast Moments– and a Big Announcement

Hi everyone!  This Fourth of July week marks the end of Season 1 of our new podcast I Wish You Could Hear This!  So Jeff and I decided to do something different: we recorded an episode talking about our favorite moments from Season 1, giving you a sneak peek at Season 2 – and making a big announcement that I am very excited to share. If you have been thinking of listening to our podcast but haven’t yet done so, this is a good episode to start with! 

Our favorite podcasts

Our very first podcast shares Our Story, and that’s another good place to start if you’re curious. But below are the favorite moments and episodes from Season 1 that we mention in this week’s episode. These didn’t get the most downloads, but they were the ones we most remember for various reasons.

I was very personally impacted by the episode “From Wrecked to Restored: Lessons from a First Responder with Dan Defenbaugh”.  What the first responders are willing to go through for the rest of us is just astounding, and I’m so grateful God restored Dan and led him to this ministry.

Jeff re-tells the story we heard on our podcast with Gary Thomas, “Navigating Life’s Trials with Gary Thomas”, about what God did in the moment his father passed away. So powerful!

We also mention our most-downloaded podcast so far, which is a fairly serious one about “The Impact of ‘No Contact’ on Families” – but it is such an important conversation for families who need it!

We also share our very favorite piece of feedback that we have received. It has been so encouraging to hear how sharing the research and these “I wish people could hear this” interview conversations has impacted people in this whole new way!

A teaser for Season 2

In this episode we also share about the amazing things we have coming up in Season 2. We describe some very fun topics we have already recorded that we cannot wait for you to hear. AND we share about the new book for church leaders and the initiative that we’ll be talking about this fall.

A big announcement

There is something I’ve been waiting to talk about for more than two years, and I think it is finally time. It is a bit much for email, so I hope everyone will go listen and hear me announce the exciting news on the podcast. I’ll be talking about this more in the coming months, but wanted you, our amazing listeners and readers, to know about it first!

If this podcast has encouraged you, would you take a moment to subscribe, leave a review, and share it with a friend who might need it? And if you missed any episodes, now’s the perfect time to go back and catch up — each one was crafted to offer hope and practical insight for you.

We will see you soon for Season Two. Until then, we wish you deep encouragement and growing understanding in your life and all your relationships.

Happy Fourth of July!

-Shaunti

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

On our podcast, I Wish You Could Hear This, Jeff and I offer proven steps to help you thrive in your life, faith and relationships. In other words, we’ll offer the practical help you’ve grown accustomed to right here in this blog space.  You’ll take away specific steps that help you today. Listen, follow, and share with your friends on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify and other platforms.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

#mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */ .button {background-color: #3389C2;background:#3389C2;color: #fff} Receive Shaunti’s Blog & Updates* indicates required Email Address * (function($) {window.fnames = new Array(); window.ftypes = new Array();fnames[0]='EMAIL';ftypes[0]='email';fnames[1]='FNAME';ftypes[1]='text';fnames[2]='LNAME';ftypes[2]='text';fnames[3]='SOURCE';ftypes[3]='text';fnames[4]='MMERGE4';ftypes[4]='text';fnames[5]='MMERGE5';ftypes[5]='date';fnames[6]='MMERGE6';ftypes[6]='text';fnames[7]='MMERGE7';ftypes[7]='text';fnames[8]='MMERGE8';ftypes[8]='text';fnames[9]='MMERGE9';ftypes[9]='text';fnames[10]='MMERGE10';ftypes[10]='phone';}(jQuery));var $mcj = jQuery.noConflict(true);More from Shaunti’s Blog: Favorite Podcast Moments– and a Big AnnouncementHi everyone!  This Fourth of July week marks the end of Season 1 of our new podcast I Wish You… What I’m Loving Lately – Summer 2025Sometimes it’s good to simply stop and laugh out loud. Or even to tear up with a good cry. I… A Boy Mom Cracks the Code on Male Behavior with Jenilee Samuel If you’re trying to figure out how the boys (and men) in your life operate, this week’s guest on the… Fatherhood Goes Viral: Dave Barnes Ponders the Laboratory Called HomeThis week’s Father’s Day guest blog comes to you from singer/songwriter and co-host of the Dadville podcast Dave Barnes. I… Making Marriage EasierHave you ever wished your marriage was just … easier? No retreating to corners, feeling like roommates, or feeling like… 8 False Expectations Newlyweds Should Avoid (Part 2)Expectations are appropriate in marriage, right? Things should be a certain way. We stepped on a landmine and we’re not…

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What I’m Loving Lately – Summer 2025

Sometimes it’s good to simply stop and laugh out loud. Or even to tear up with a good cry. I can go either direction. There really are terrifically funny humans on this planet. And when caring people go that extra mile to make someone else’s day better, I can get a little misty eyed even if seeing it on my phone while I’m in line at the grocery store. (Oh, sorry, I just got a little bit of dust in my eye …)

I keep a little running file of both … and summer feels like a good time to share them with you. I’m sure it is no coincidence that each have something to do with communication, marriage, or books in some way!

So here’s what I’m really loving lately. Enjoy!

-Shaunti

If Fonts (or Punctuation) Could Talk

Anyone who has been in marketing, journalism, design, or any related field may get all of the inside jokes and references in this hilarious video clip on Instagram, but all of us can laugh at this woman’s creativity in connecting fonts to personalities.

“I’ve got a kerning appointment in a few …”

“Hey, you think you’re better than us … just because you’re in some brand logos.”

Her creativity made me laugh so hard, that I have to share one more …

I promise punctuation matters. Consider the difference:

I’m sorry I love you.

I’m sorry; I love you.

See?

If you’re the kind who edits menus when you’re out to eat, or cringes when young people don’t punctuate texts, this one-woman skit will make you laugh out loud. (And the bit about dashes? Let’s just say I had a good laugh with my editor about that. Em dash, en dash, hyphen? I don’t really know. I just throw them in, and she cleans them up for me.)

For Women Only , Latvian Edition—and my Latvian name

My team and I got a kick out of the cover for the recently released Latvian translation of For Women Only, mostly because of how my name is translated. Šauntija Feldhana. The team took entirely too much pleasure in attempting a few dozen ways to pronounce my new name in Latvian. (“SHAWN-tee-jah?” “Soon-TEE-EE-ha?”) I’m sure some of you know the real pronunciation!

Compassion in the Middle of Chaos

Some photos truly are worth a thousand words. This is one of them.

The viral photo of Billings (Montana) Firefighter Ryan Benton reading a children’s book to a little girl after a terrible car crash is a few years old now. So you’ll have more context, I linked to a local news segment about this viral photo

At any rate, the photo made the rounds on social media again recently, and I have to say I viewed it differently in light of the eye-opening podcast episode Jeff and I recorded with former first responder Dan Defenbaugh. Titled “From Wrecked to Restored: Lessons from a First Responder,” the episode really is for anyone who has ever felt lost or hopeless, and will be an especially good resource for any first responders in your life.

And that leads me to another What I’m Loving Lately:

Insert IWYCHT podcast graphic

I Wish You Could Hear This!

Season One of our brand new podcast, I Wish You Could Hear This, is in the books, and here’s what I know:

It’s humbling to learn new things …But new ventures are exciting!And people are incredible.

On the podcast, Jeff and I have had so much fun unpacking the latest research, key elements of hope for relationships, and picking the brains of some amazing guests. Our incredible guests include people you might know (such as Gary Thomas  and Jenilee Samuel), and they share about faith, trials, and the life circumstances that formed them—always with actionable takeaways that will help you in your life, faith, and families today.

It’s mostly been fun . . . but sometimes we tackle stuff that is hard to navigate but is so important to understand. Our top podcast so far is on the trend of young adults going “no contact” with their parents[SF5] , and seeking the advice of a clinical family psychologist for both sides. (If you know someone who needs to hear this, please forward it along.)

If you haven’t caught an episode yet, go find I Wish You Could Hear This on your favorite podcast platform. We’d be so honored to have you along for the ride.

Speaking of a ride… here’s my last What I’m Loving Lately:

And…. A New Book is Soon Arriving on a Slow Boat (or Train) from the Printer!

We have been a bit hush-hush about it, but my latest book is only a few months away from launch! I’ve been working on two research and book projects about mental health for the last few years, and the first of two books, When Hurting People Come to Church, has just been printed. (The second book is still in the research stage.)

Here’s what specifically I’m loving about this: After two years of research, interviews, surveys, writing, editing, designing, and proofing by me, my co-author Dr. Jim Sells, and the good people at Tyndale House Publishers, it is crazy to picture all the steps this one little book still has to make it through before it actually shows up in a bookstore!

I’m not sure where the actual printer is (publishers use different printers in the U.S. and overseas depending on where they can get space). But the printing process alone is a technological marvel. And if the printer was overseas, that means our little book is probably being loaded onto a container ship right about now. Then it will make its slooooow way across an ocean for about five weeks. Then the container ship will be unloaded in a port somewhere—and all those cases of books will then be shipped on trains and/or trucks, arriving at some point at the Tyndale warehouse. Then from Tyndale they get shipped on more trains and/or trucks to all the different booksellers out there. And at some point, a copy will arrive in my mailbox—and maybe yours!

Crazy to think of everything that one little book is going through, right? But the long journey will be worth it if it helps people who are hurting find hope and healing.

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

On our podcast, I Wish You Could Hear This, Jeff and I offer proven steps to help you thrive in your life, faith and relationships. In other words, we’ll offer the practical help you’ve grown accustomed to right here in this blog space.  You’ll take away specific steps that help you today. Listen, follow, and share with your friends on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify and other platforms.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

#mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */ .button {background-color: #3389C2;background:#3389C2;color: #fff} Receive Shaunti’s Blog & Updates* indicates required Email Address * (function($) {window.fnames = new Array(); window.ftypes = new Array();fnames[0]='EMAIL';ftypes[0]='email';fnames[1]='FNAME';ftypes[1]='text';fnames[2]='LNAME';ftypes[2]='text';fnames[3]='SOURCE';ftypes[3]='text';fnames[4]='MMERGE4';ftypes[4]='text';fnames[5]='MMERGE5';ftypes[5]='date';fnames[6]='MMERGE6';ftypes[6]='text';fnames[7]='MMERGE7';ftypes[7]='text';fnames[8]='MMERGE8';ftypes[8]='text';fnames[9]='MMERGE9';ftypes[9]='text';fnames[10]='MMERGE10';ftypes[10]='phone';}(jQuery));var $mcj = jQuery.noConflict(true);More from Shaunti’s Blog: What I’m Loving Lately – Summer 2025Sometimes it’s good to simply stop and laugh out loud. Or even to tear up with a good cry. I… A Boy Mom Cracks the Code on Male Behavior with Jenilee Samuel If you’re trying to figure out how the boys (and men) in your life operate, this week’s guest on the… Fatherhood Goes Viral: Dave Barnes Ponders the Laboratory Called HomeThis week’s Father’s Day guest blog comes to you from singer/songwriter and co-host of the Dadville podcast Dave Barnes. I… Making Marriage EasierHave you ever wished your marriage was just … easier? No retreating to corners, feeling like roommates, or feeling like… 8 False Expectations Newlyweds Should Avoid (Part 2)Expectations are appropriate in marriage, right? Things should be a certain way. We stepped on a landmine and we’re not… The Impact of ‘No Contact’ on Families You kid just went “no contact.” It’s any parent’s nightmare.  This week on the I Wish You Could Hear This…

The post What I’m Loving Lately – Summer 2025 appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

A Boy Mom Cracks the Code on Male Behavior with Jenilee Samuel

If you’re trying to figure out how the boys (and men) in your life operate, this week’s guest on the podcast is a must-listen. Jenilee Samuel, host of the popular podcast Java With Jen, offers heartfelt tips—including one question she and her husband have learned to ask that is nearly guaranteed to dial down conflict. 

Who doesn’t like a guarantee? 

Jenilee covers priceless ground, including: 

Specific questions that help your sons figure out what they’re thinking Inviting vulnerability with sons by being vulnerable yourself How to share your heart as a woman so that the guys in your life feel invited to honor you 

I also appreciated Jenilee’s transparency in crossing into a topic that has been an area of research interest for me: the so-called “fragile” male ego. If you’re a boy mom, or want to understand your husband better, you’ll want to listen to our exchange. Jenilee had an epiphany one day, part of which I’ll share here: 

“The thing that made me come around to actually humbling myself enough to be like, ‘I just need to learn how (men) work’ was the fact that I found myself telling my boys, you have to learn how a woman works if you’re going to be able to treat her right. If I’m expecting that from them, I should be willing to do the same thing. It’s not love for me to expect that but not be willing to offer that … But I had to work through a whole lot of my own resistance.” 

Jenilee also shared a very direct answer to the question we sprung on her at the end: What is the hardest thing the Lord has asked you to as a woman who is surrounded by testosterone.” Her answer may sound like yours—and you’ll be so encouraged by how she navigated it. 

Mostly, I think you’ll find practical hope for how to engage with the men and boys in your life in healthy, productive ways without diminishing who you are! 

By the way, just like that, we’re at the end of season one of our I Wish You Could Hear This podcast! Thank you for listening, sharing with your friends, and supporting us! Your encouragement means the world.  

You can learn more about how to support us practically (and financially) in the notes below. We’ve had a lot of fun with the podcast, and view it as an honor that you’ve brought us into your cars, gym workouts, and whatever other places you listen to podcasts. Season two is coming up. Look for details soon! 

Episode 12 details:      

Episode 12 Release Date: June 17, 2025     

 Duration: Episode11: 44 minutes     

 Summary: Shaunti, Jeff, and Jenilee Samuel (host of the Java with Jen podcast) explore the complexities of being a woman leader in ministry, the challenges of marriage, and the importance of understanding the male psyche. Jenilee shares her journey from being a missionary kid to a co-pastor and her experiences with raising boys. The discussion emphasizes the need for empathy, learning, and the balance between strength and sensitivity in both personal and professional realms. Jenilee also shares her insights on parenting teenage boys, the importance of emotional intelligence, and the challenges of maintaining a healthy marriage. 

 Link Mentioned:       

Java with Jen Podcast 

Jenilee Samuel Website 

Hearing God’s Voice for Everyday Life Journal 

For Women Only 

 Support the Show: Our podcast thrives on the support of our incredible listeners. So subscribe to our podcast, share your favorite episodes, leave us a review, or send us an email to start a conversation about sponsoring an episode or an entire season.       

 Connect with Us: We love hearing your thoughts, stories, and voices. Connect with us on social media or email us at webcontact@shaunti.com. Your story could be on the next I Wish You Could Hear This episode.   

Practical help for Real Life      

Our new podcast, I Wish You Could Hear This  is live now with episode 12! Listen, follow, and share with your friends on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify and other platforms.      

On I Wish You Could Hear This, Jeff and I offer proven steps to help you thrive in your life, faith and relationships. In other words, we’ll offer the practical help you’ve grown accustomed to right here in this blog space.       

You’ll take away specific steps that help you today.      

  You’ll hear not only from us but from fellow authors and friends (so you hear the good behind-the-scenes stuff!), marriage and relationship experts, everyday people, ministry leaders, and other researchers. (We promise to keep that last one fun and fascinating, not boring!)       

  If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.     

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

On our podcast, I Wish You Could Hear This, Jeff and I offer proven steps to help you thrive in your life, faith and relationships. In other words, we’ll offer the practical help you’ve grown accustomed to right here in this blog space.  You’ll take away specific steps that help you today. Listen, follow, and share with your friends on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify and other platforms.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

#mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */ .button {background-color: #3389C2;background:#3389C2;color: #fff} Receive Shaunti’s Blog & Updates* indicates required Email Address * (function($) {window.fnames = new Array(); window.ftypes = new Array();fnames[0]='EMAIL';ftypes[0]='email';fnames[1]='FNAME';ftypes[1]='text';fnames[2]='LNAME';ftypes[2]='text';fnames[3]='SOURCE';ftypes[3]='text';fnames[4]='MMERGE4';ftypes[4]='text';fnames[5]='MMERGE5';ftypes[5]='date';fnames[6]='MMERGE6';ftypes[6]='text';fnames[7]='MMERGE7';ftypes[7]='text';fnames[8]='MMERGE8';ftypes[8]='text';fnames[9]='MMERGE9';ftypes[9]='text';fnames[10]='MMERGE10';ftypes[10]='phone';}(jQuery));var $mcj = jQuery.noConflict(true);More from Shaunti’s Blog: A Boy Mom Cracks the Code on Male Behavior with Jenilee Samuel If you’re trying to figure out how the boys (and men) in your life operate, this week’s guest on the… Fatherhood Goes Viral: Dave Barnes Ponders the Laboratory Called HomeThis week’s Father’s Day guest blog comes to you from singer/songwriter and co-host of the Dadville podcast Dave Barnes. I… Making Marriage EasierHave you ever wished your marriage was just … easier? No retreating to corners, feeling like roommates, or feeling like… 8 False Expectations Newlyweds Should Avoid (Part 2)Expectations are appropriate in marriage, right? Things should be a certain way. We stepped on a landmine and we’re not… The Impact of ‘No Contact’ on Families You kid just went “no contact.” It’s any parent’s nightmare.  This week on the I Wish You Could Hear This… 8 False Expectations Newlyweds Should Avoid (Part 1)Oh, to be newlyweds again. (And all the long-marrieds just collectively sighed a happy sigh.) The early years are exciting…

The post A Boy Mom Cracks the Code on Male Behavior with Jenilee Samuel  appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Fatherhood Goes Viral: Dave Barnes Ponders the Laboratory Called Home

This week’s Father’s Day guest blog comes to you from singer/songwriter and co-host of the Dadville podcast Dave Barnes. I love his take this week on how home is like a lab (social media loved it too, because the post went viral)! Dave is heartfelt and hilarious, and I hope you’ll check out his music and his podcast . -Shaunti

By Dave Barnes

If I had known I would go viral I would have fixed my hair. Or at least not had on a sweatshirt. But the viral gods care not if you are ready when they decide to shine upon you.

“Dave!” you may be saying, “That’s AMAZING—what song were you playing in the video? A classic like “God Gave Me You”? Or one of your new songs? Or perhaps you were doing one of your weird, ridiculous characters?”

None of the above. The viral gods don’t let you choose content. It was just a little video on parenting that I posted on Instagram on a whim one day. All I did was riff a little bit on how our homes are really just like labs.

You can go find the whole thing, but here is part of what I said:  

“When they (your kids) go out in the world and you’re like—wow, what a sweet kid and the teacher speaks so well of them, or they have good friends and people wanna be with them— that’s real life. The house is not real life. That’s the workshop. Remember that and be encouraged by that because it’s gonna be hard—it’s supposed to be hard—but that’s our job to help guide and shape. You’re doing a good job. Keep doing it.”

Here’s the back story. I had just gotten back from school with one of my kids. This specific kid/sometimes-Genghis-Khan child had been so not great at home that morning—a real pain in the rear, in fact. Later that day we headed to school and as we were walking around the school, this child (no specifics on which kid to hopefully save me on their counseling bill later) walked around hugging friends, saying hi to teachers, etc. At one point, a teacher pulled me to the side and commented on just how great this kid was.

Was I confused? Not really, because this child is a wonderful kid. But a great child at home? Not always. I had a revelation that morning: Our kids are the better version of themselves everywhere but at home.  

The bad news? They really let their freak flag fly at home.

The good news? They don’t let it fly much anywhere else.

Why is this true? Because home is the lab. It’s where they are figuring out who they are and how to be. And isn’t that—get ready to grimace—true of us too?

Our kids are going to be more impatient, rude, mean, gross, disrespectful at home. Basically, they’re like little pirates. But here’s the thing: Where else can they be that? What setting could possibly be better for them to figure out how to be human. Isn’t that sort of our job as parents? To be guides to these little, wonderful, weird, life-siphoning, smaller, newer versions of us?

Now, this is not saying they don’t need to be held accountable, disciplined, and helped to see the consequences of their actions and words. But there is wisdom in realizing we are the teachers, and our home is the lab.

So, I Googled the purpose of a lab, and this is what Google told me:

“The primary purpose of a lab is to provide a dedicated space for conducting scientific experiments and investigations. Labs facilitate research, measurement, and data analysis, allowing for the exploration of scientific concepts and the development of skills in observation, data collection, and critical thinking.”

I mean. Wow. Reads like I wrote it to make my point, doesn’t it?

Labs are for experimentation, testing hypotheses, hands-on learning, developing skills, critical thinking, and preparation for the future. So, in honor of Father’s Day, let’s play a fun little game here. Let’s see what happens if we look at what happens in a lab as if it’s happening in our homes.

Experimentation – The home is the controlled environment where kids learn to manipulate variables, collect data, and observe outcomes. In other words: What works? What makes my brother mad? What gets me what I want? What happens when I yell at Mom? What does it look like to say something nice to Dad?

Testing hypotheses – At home, kids can test predictions and theories. I bet Mom won’t care if I do this. Or, I don’t think my brother will mind if I use his toys. And, obviously, I wonder if I can get away with this? etc.

Hands-on learning – What better place than home for children to learn through practical experience. They can learn the value of hard work by taking over the lawn work (hint, hint dads—use the Father’s Day card this weekend!) Where else can they learn consequences (If I’m not ready on time, I miss my bus) when the stakes are low?

Developing scientific skills – The home “lab” is where kids observe, measure, analyze data and try experimental techniques. In other words, this is where they learn to understand the world. They ask questions (so. many. questions.) They learn (sometimes under duress) to cooperate. They learn in a safe place that they can fail and recover, fail again and recover.

Critical thinking – Within your home’s four walls—the one place where kids can get things wrong, change their minds, or grow without social ridicule—kids learn to think critically and draw conclusions. Maybe my assumption that my brother is a jerk wasn’t right after all. Maybe Mom really is on my side. Next time my sister is having a rough morning, I’ll remind her she looks nice. She liked that.

Preparation for the future – The skills and knowledge children gain in their wonderfully weird home labs prepare them for future school experiences, jobs, life, break-ups, mess-ups, friendships, marriage, and ultimately their own parenting journeys—where they get to watch their own Genghis Khan-kids throw tantrums, say sorrys, and eventually become … human.

It’s pretty helpful to think of home as a lab, isn’t it? Beakers (or windows) might break. Tempers may flare like hot chemicals over butane burners. But at the end of the day, home is the lab. It’s where our kids are figuring out how to be themselves. What a privilege to help them.

As parents, home is where we want to let our guard down. Let’s create that kind of lab for our kids, too. Dads, you can do this! Let them fail. Correct them without crushing them. The lab is a gift! A place where we can discipline and encourage our kids—ultimately helping them grow in the right direction.

None of this behind-the-scenes stuff will go viral. And dads, most of it will probably happen when your hair is messed-up or you’re wearing sweatshirts. But if your kids feel comfortable enough to let it all hang out … if they let their guard down enough to figure things out with you around … take that as the ultimate encouragement that you’re doing a good job.

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

On our podcast, I Wish You Could Hear This, Jeff and I offer proven steps to help you thrive in your life, faith and relationships. In other words, we’ll offer the practical help you’ve grown accustomed to right here in this blog space.  You’ll take away specific steps that help you today. Listen, follow, and share with your friends on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify and other platforms.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

#mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */ .button {background-color: #3389C2;background:#3389C2;color: #fff} Receive Shaunti’s Blog & Updates* indicates required Email Address * (function($) {window.fnames = new Array(); window.ftypes = new Array();fnames[0]='EMAIL';ftypes[0]='email';fnames[1]='FNAME';ftypes[1]='text';fnames[2]='LNAME';ftypes[2]='text';fnames[3]='SOURCE';ftypes[3]='text';fnames[4]='MMERGE4';ftypes[4]='text';fnames[5]='MMERGE5';ftypes[5]='date';fnames[6]='MMERGE6';ftypes[6]='text';fnames[7]='MMERGE7';ftypes[7]='text';fnames[8]='MMERGE8';ftypes[8]='text';fnames[9]='MMERGE9';ftypes[9]='text';fnames[10]='MMERGE10';ftypes[10]='phone';}(jQuery));var $mcj = jQuery.noConflict(true);More from Shaunti’s Blog: Fatherhood Goes Viral: Dave Barnes Ponders the Laboratory Called HomeThis week’s Father’s Day guest blog comes to you from singer/songwriter and co-host of the Dadville podcast Dave Barnes. I… Making Marriage EasierHave you ever wished your marriage was just … easier? No retreating to corners, feeling like roommates, or feeling like… 8 False Expectations Newlyweds Should Avoid (Part 2)Expectations are appropriate in marriage, right? Things should be a certain way. We stepped on a landmine and we’re not… The Impact of ‘No Contact’ on Families You kid just went “no contact.” It’s any parent’s nightmare.  This week on the I Wish You Could Hear This… 8 False Expectations Newlyweds Should Avoid (Part 1)Oh, to be newlyweds again. (And all the long-marrieds just collectively sighed a happy sigh.) The early years are exciting… Fame, Faith, and Putting Marriage First What if everything had to die so your marriage could live? Like, literally your house burned down, your career crashed…

The post Fatherhood Goes Viral: Dave Barnes Ponders the Laboratory Called Home appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Making Marriage Easier

Have you ever wished your marriage was just … easier? No retreating to corners, feeling like roommates, or feeling like your relationship orbits around your kids’ lives?  

We cover all this ground and more on the I Wish You Could Hear This podcast with Arlene Pellicane this week. The author of Making Marriage Easier, Arlene brings Biblical wisdom, humor, and practical steps to this week’s episode.  

You’ll want to listen in as Arlene offers ideas on how to: 

Take doable, everyday steps that will make your marriage easier Find strategies that will help you and your spouse avoid becoming like roommates View your kids as important, but not all-important Set guardrails around dinnertime, date nights, and social media use 

There was so much gold in this week’s podcast, but for now, I’ll share a profound and practical idea Arlene offered about what to do in those seasons when you’re maybe not feeling so great about your spouse. Pray for them when they leave. That’s it. For one week, every time they walk out the door, say a simple prayer for them. 

Then, in week two, pray with them before they leave. It can be something like: God as my spouse goes out today, give him (or her) favor, protect him, and sing over him, amen. As Arlene says, “It took you like 10 seconds, but now that spouse feels loved and hugged and sent out with these good words,” Arlene says. 

So practical, right? 

Be sure to listen to this podcast episode—and share with the married couples in your life. Arlene was speaking our language for sure. Small steps. Big impact! 

Episode 11 details:  Making Marriage Easier with Arlene Pellicane 

Release Date: June 3, 2025     

Duration: Episode 11: 43 minutes   

Summary: In this engaging conversation, Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn are joined by Arlene Pellicane, author of Making Marriage Easier. Arelene shares insights on how to prioritize marriage, avoid the roommate syndrome, and implement small, practical actions to strengthen relationships. The podcast also explores the profound effects of social media on relationships, emphasizing the need for intentionality in how we engage with technology.  

   Link Mentioned:       

Book: Making Marriage Easier  

The Happy Home Podcast 

Important questions from this week’s podcast: 

What’s it like to be married to me?  When was the last time we had fun together? 

Support the Show: Our podcast thrives on the support of our incredible listeners. So subscribe to our podcast, share your favorite episodes, leave us a review, or send us an email to start a conversation about sponsoring an episode or an entire season.       

 Connect with Us: We love hearing your thoughts, stories, and voices. Connect with us on social media or email us at webcontact@shaunti.com. Your story could be on the next I Wish You Could Hear This  episode.  

Practical help for Real Life      

Our new podcast, I Wish You Could Hear This  is live now with episode 11! Listen, follow, and share with your friends on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify and other platforms.      

 On I Wish You Could Hear This, Jeff and I offer proven steps to help you thrive in your life, faith and relationships. In other words, we’ll offer the practical help you’ve grown accustomed to right here in this blog space.       

You’ll take away specific steps that will help you today.      

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.  

      

You’ll hear not only from us but from fellow authors and friends (so you hear the good behind-the-scenes stuff!), marriage and relationship experts, everyday people, ministry leaders, and other researchers. (We promise to keep that last one fun and fascinating, not boring!)    

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

On our podcast, I Wish You Could Hear This, Jeff and I offer proven steps to help you thrive in your life, faith and relationships. In other words, we’ll offer the practical help you’ve grown accustomed to right here in this blog space.  You’ll take away specific steps that help you today. Listen, follow, and share with your friends on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify and other platforms.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

#mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */ .button {background-color: #3389C2;background:#3389C2;color: #fff} Receive Shaunti’s Blog & Updates* indicates required Email Address * (function($) {window.fnames = new Array(); window.ftypes = new Array();fnames[0]='EMAIL';ftypes[0]='email';fnames[1]='FNAME';ftypes[1]='text';fnames[2]='LNAME';ftypes[2]='text';fnames[3]='SOURCE';ftypes[3]='text';fnames[4]='MMERGE4';ftypes[4]='text';fnames[5]='MMERGE5';ftypes[5]='date';fnames[6]='MMERGE6';ftypes[6]='text';fnames[7]='MMERGE7';ftypes[7]='text';fnames[8]='MMERGE8';ftypes[8]='text';fnames[9]='MMERGE9';ftypes[9]='text';fnames[10]='MMERGE10';ftypes[10]='phone';}(jQuery));var $mcj = jQuery.noConflict(true);More from Shaunti’s Blog: Making Marriage EasierHave you ever wished your marriage was just … easier? No retreating to corners, feeling like roommates, or feeling like… 8 False Expectations Newlyweds Should Avoid (Part 2)Expectations are appropriate in marriage, right? Things should be a certain way. We stepped on a landmine and we’re not… The Impact of ‘No Contact’ on Families You kid just went “no contact.” It’s any parent’s nightmare.  This week on the I Wish You Could Hear This… 8 False Expectations Newlyweds Should Avoid (Part 1)Oh, to be newlyweds again. (And all the long-marrieds just collectively sighed a happy sigh.) The early years are exciting… Fame, Faith, and Putting Marriage First What if everything had to die so your marriage could live? Like, literally your house burned down, your career crashed… Behind the Scenes in the Speaker LifeThe speaker life is fun and sometimes … funny. There was the time I packed only sandals and short sleeves…

The post Making Marriage Easier appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

8 False Expectations Newlyweds Should Avoid (Part 2)

Expectations are appropriate in marriage, right? Things should be a certain way.

We stepped on a landmine and we’re not even three sentences into the blog. Should. What if our “shoulds” are leading to unnecessary unhappiness? More to the point, what if we have expectations of our spouse that they are just not wired to meet?

As I wrote in part 1 of this expectations series, much of the unhappiness we experience in marriage is due to unhelpful expectations. We introduced this topic last time with four false expectations that women tend to bring into marriage. This week we’ll look at four unhelpful expectations that men often bring into marriage.

As I mentioned last time, these expectations are by no means universal. But much research shows that the patterns we’ll cover today are common to men. So, guys, listen up and save yourselves some confusion as you head into marriage. Learn how to help your expectations meet reality. (And, if you know a young newlywed or engaged couple, please forward this content to them. They will be so glad.)

Expectation #1: We’re going to have an always-on sex life

His bold assumption: Now that we’re married—especially if we waited for marriage to have sex—she’s going to want me sexually all the time.

Reality: “The sex shop isn’t open 24/7.” This was the hilarious observation of my co-host Brian Goins on a Married With Benefits podcast episode that aired last summer. In fact, he went on to say that he learned early in marriage that sex “is more like an old-time bank, where the shop closes down a lot sooner than you think. There are unexpected holidays. The bank teller has a headache….” Hilarious? Maybe. True? Probably. (That said, 24% of women in our Secrets of Sex & Marriage research were the “higher desire” partner and the ones wanting the sex shop to be open more!)

What to do: Be honest about where your expectations are coming from. Just as we nudged women to understand last week that, contrary to rom-coms, guys aren’t inherently wired to draw you into a warm embrace in the heat of conflict, guys may have drawn false expectations about sex from pornography, locker rooms or pretty much any movie that depicts the lead-up to an intimate moment. As Brian observed on our podcast, before you question your spouse, question where you’re getting your expectation from.

I don’t want to be a commercial here, but I really encourage young couples to pick up a copy of Secrets of Sex & Marriage. I can’t tell you how much heartache couples could avoid if they learned their sexual desire type early in marriage. (And if you don’t know what we mean by “desire type,” you need to!)

Expectation #2: She’ll give me the space I need to process conflict.

His bold assumption: When she walks away from an argument, she’s giving me space.

Reality: She wants you to follow her!

What to do: In most cases of conflict, guys appreciate the opportunity to pull away for a time. So if your wife pulls away, you might think, “Thank goodness, I need to get alone to process.”  Or “Whew, I’m so tired, and now I can get some sleep and think about it in the morning.” But before you retreat happily to your man cave or roll over to your side of the bed, abort, abort, abort!

Instead: Engage with her, if only for 30 seconds to offer quick reassurance. This can be as simple as, “I need time away from the conversation to think. Let’s pick this back up tomorrow morning. But in the meantime, listen, I love you and we’ll figure this out.” You will get the space you need to process, and your wife won’t stay up all night questioning whether your relationship is okay.

Expectation #3: I’m marrying the next Top Chef!

His bold assumption (and we are saying this out loud because lots of men won’t—even when the expectation is buried in there somewhere): My wife will be this amazing cook and will love being in the kitchen.

Reality: More than likely, one or all of three things will happen, especially if both of you work full time: You’ll trade off cooking, neither of you will be super-excited about having to prepare meals (especially after a long workday) and neither of you will prepare meals like the food creators on TikTok.

What to do: Consider whether a meal subscription service or some other creative solution is the way to go—especially to avoid subconsciously expecting your wife to do more of the meal work. Now, some of you just automatically resisted that idea, and thought to yourself, “Yeah, but that’s expensive and we shouldn’t have to do that!” But stop and remember the point behind this blog: Is the word “should or shouldn’t” setting you up for dashed expectations in your relationship? Before you reject the idea, consider who you are actually married to. Did your wife grow up learning to cook? Does she even like it? Was your mom amazing in the kitchen—and now you’re placing that expectation on your wife? Ask yourself lots of questions, give her space to be honest about her expectations, and be willing to get creative on this one.

Expectation #4: She’ll understand that I need to work long hours because I’m working hard to provide.

His bold assumption: My wife needs security, and I want to give that to her, so she’ll be okay with me working late.

Reality: According to our research, 70% of married women said if they had to choose financial security or security in their relationship, they would choose to give up the finances if that was what it took to have enough time together.

What to do: Talk to your wife about what kind of security she’s looking for. Your wife may be in the 30%, and you won’t know that until you ask. But as noted, in our research for For Men Only, we found that more than any “thing” you could provide, it’s highly likely that your wife would rather give up some sense of financial security—or downsize your family’s lifestyle—if this meant you could be home more with the family.

Whew. We made it. Eight expectations up and eight expectations down. It’s good to think about these once in a while, right? Whether you’re newly married, longtime married, or in pre-marital counseling, we can save ourselves much heartache by stopping to ask questions.

So here’s a quick checklist for you:

Have you named your key expectations?Have you personally examined if they’re even realistic?Have you talked about them with your spouse or fiancé?

Here’s the bottom line: view your expectations with more suspicion than you view the other person!

All of us, every day, have a choice to love our imperfect partners or expect them to be someone they’re not. The choice to love will cover so much of the other stuff.

Let’s make that choice.

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

On our podcast, I Wish You Could Hear This, Jeff and I offer proven steps to help you thrive in your life, faith and relationships. In other words, we’ll offer the practical help you’ve grown accustomed to right here in this blog space.  You’ll take away specific steps that help you today. Listen, follow, and share with your friends on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify and other platforms.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

#mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */ .button {background-color: #3389C2;background:#3389C2;color: #fff} Receive Shaunti’s Blog & Updates* indicates required Email Address * (function($) {window.fnames = new Array(); window.ftypes = new Array();fnames[0]='EMAIL';ftypes[0]='email';fnames[1]='FNAME';ftypes[1]='text';fnames[2]='LNAME';ftypes[2]='text';fnames[3]='SOURCE';ftypes[3]='text';fnames[4]='MMERGE4';ftypes[4]='text';fnames[5]='MMERGE5';ftypes[5]='date';fnames[6]='MMERGE6';ftypes[6]='text';fnames[7]='MMERGE7';ftypes[7]='text';fnames[8]='MMERGE8';ftypes[8]='text';fnames[9]='MMERGE9';ftypes[9]='text';fnames[10]='MMERGE10';ftypes[10]='phone';}(jQuery));var $mcj = jQuery.noConflict(true);More from Shaunti’s Blog: 8 False Expectations Newlyweds Should Avoid (Part 2)Expectations are appropriate in marriage, right? Things should be a certain way. We stepped on a landmine and we’re not… The Impact of ‘No Contact’ on Families You kid just went “no contact.” It’s any parent’s nightmare.  This week on the I Wish You Could Hear This… 8 False Expectations Newlyweds Should Avoid (Part 1)Oh, to be newlyweds again. (And all the long-marrieds just collectively sighed a happy sigh.) The early years are exciting… Fame, Faith, and Putting Marriage First What if everything had to die so your marriage could live? Like, literally your house burned down, your career crashed… Behind the Scenes in the Speaker LifeThe speaker life is fun and sometimes … funny. There was the time I packed only sandals and short sleeves… One of You Wants More Sex? Here’s What’s Going On. Do you have a sex mismatch in your marriage? One of you wants more sex than the other, and pressure,…

The post 8 False Expectations Newlyweds Should Avoid (Part 2) appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

The Impact of ‘No Contact’ on Families

You kid just went “no contact.” It’s any parent’s nightmare. 

This week on the I Wish You Could Hear This podcast, we unpack the “no contact” phenomenon, taking an honest look at both sides of this intensely painful equation. 

If you’re the parents of an adult child who has severed contact, you’re likely blindsided and hurting. If you’re the adult child who cut off contact, you may not be trying to punish as much as you’re trying to protect—and distance seems the way to do that. 

How do both sides move forward?  

What hope is there for healing? 

Actually, there’s a lot of hope. In this week’s conversation, our friend and clinical psychologist Dr. James Sells, brings years of individual and family therapy experience to the table with fresh insights that will equip each side. 

For example, before parents work on solving the problem there’s a bigger thing they must focus on first. And from the adult child’s view, Jim shares a story of a young man who changed from “cutoff” to “culture change”—choosing to interact with his parents and family, but in a different context than the one that brought frequent pain. 

If you are a parent or adult child—or know a parent or adult child—who is in a no-contact season, this podcast is a must-listen episode. Please forward to anyone in your circle who might be helped. 

Jim shares the most important aspect of any family restoration.  Shaunti shares statistics on how often parent-child relationships that are estranged become reconciled. If you’re in this tender, confusing season, you’ll emerge knowing you are not alone. Episode 10 details:     

 Episode 10 Release Date: May 20, 2025    

 Duration: Episode10: 43 minutes    

Summary: In this conversation, Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn, along with clinical psychologist Dr. James Sells, explore the phenomenon of young adults going “no contact” with their parents. They discuss the emotional turmoil this causes for both parents and children, the factors contributing to this phenomenon, and the importance of family therapy in addressing these issues. The conversation highlights the need for understanding, communication, and the potential for healing within family dynamics.  

Link Mentioned:      

Parent–adult child estrangement in the United States by gender, race/ethnicity, and sexuality. 

Support the Show: Our podcast thrives on the support of our incredible listeners. So subscribe to our podcast, share your favorite episodes, leave us a review, or send us an email to start a conversation about sponsoring an episode or an entire season.      

  Connect with Us: We love hearing your thoughts, stories, and voices. Connect with us on social media or email us at webcontact@shaunti.com. Your story could be on the next I Wish You Could Hear This  episode.

Practical help for Real Life     

Our new podcast, I Wish You Could Hear This  is live now with episode 10! Listen, follow, and share with your friends on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify and other platforms.     

On I Wish You Could Hear This, Jeff and I offer proven steps to help you thrive in your life, faith and relationships. In other words, we’ll offer the practical help you’ve grown accustomed to right here in this blog space.      

You’ll take away specific steps that help you today.     

You’ll hear not only from us but from fellow authors and friends (so you hear the good behind-the-scenes stuff!), marriage and relationship experts, everyday people, ministry leaders, and other researchers. (We promise to keep that last one fun and fascinating, not boring!)      

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

On our podcast, I Wish You Could Hear This, Jeff and I offer proven steps to help you thrive in your life, faith and relationships. In other words, we’ll offer the practical help you’ve grown accustomed to right here in this blog space.  You’ll take away specific steps that help you today. Listen, follow, and share with your friends on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify and other platforms.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

#mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */ .button {background-color: #3389C2;background:#3389C2;color: #fff} Receive Shaunti’s Blog & Updates* indicates required Email Address * (function($) {window.fnames = new Array(); window.ftypes = new Array();fnames[0]='EMAIL';ftypes[0]='email';fnames[1]='FNAME';ftypes[1]='text';fnames[2]='LNAME';ftypes[2]='text';fnames[3]='SOURCE';ftypes[3]='text';fnames[4]='MMERGE4';ftypes[4]='text';fnames[5]='MMERGE5';ftypes[5]='date';fnames[6]='MMERGE6';ftypes[6]='text';fnames[7]='MMERGE7';ftypes[7]='text';fnames[8]='MMERGE8';ftypes[8]='text';fnames[9]='MMERGE9';ftypes[9]='text';fnames[10]='MMERGE10';ftypes[10]='phone';}(jQuery));var $mcj = jQuery.noConflict(true);More from Shaunti’s Blog: The Impact of ‘No Contact’ on Families You kid just went “no contact.” It’s any parent’s nightmare.  This week on the I Wish You Could Hear This… 8 False Expectations Newlyweds Should Avoid (Part 1)Oh, to be newlyweds again. (And all the long-marrieds just collectively sighed a happy sigh.) The early years are exciting… Fame, Faith, and Putting Marriage First What if everything had to die so your marriage could live? Like, literally your house burned down, your career crashed… Behind the Scenes in the Speaker LifeThe speaker life is fun and sometimes … funny. There was the time I packed only sandals and short sleeves… One of You Wants More Sex? Here’s What’s Going On. Do you have a sex mismatch in your marriage? One of you wants more sex than the other, and pressure,… 5 Quick Steps to Calm a Stressed-Out ChildAs parents we’ve all been there. Our child melts down in Target and we’re just trying to calm the hysterics,…

     

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8 False Expectations Newlyweds Should Avoid (Part 1)

Oh, to be newlyweds again. (And all the long-marrieds just collectively sighed a happy sigh.) The early years are exciting years! Full of planning, promise, and … pitfalls. Didn’t see that last one coming, did you? Googly-eyed at the altar, many young married couples don’t either.

In this article and the next one we’re going to pick up an ongoing series that equips young couples to start marriage on the strongest footing possible. We’re going to tackle the almighty expectation.

Much of the unhappiness we experience in marriage is due to unhelpful expectations. Notice that I say “unhelpful,” rather than “unrealistic.” The latter is also true, but it can sound as if we’re suggesting we lower our standards—which we aren’t. But neither do we want to create heartache by holding naïve assumptions about what we’re walking into when we walk down the aisle. There is a sweet spot in the middle where we land on and live with helpful expectations of marriage and our spouse.

Since so many expectations are unique to how we tend to think differently as men and women, we’ll look at four expectations common to women this week and four for men next time. These are by no means universal, but these are mental (and often subconscious) patterns common to each gender.

Expectation #1: Conflict resolution will be ultra-romantic

Her starry-eyed assumption: Just like in the rom-coms and romance novels, my spouse will gather me into a warm hug to bring arguments to a sweet, loving conclusion.

Reality: In conflict, he’s more likely to want (even need) to temporarily escape than to embrace. The goal is always for arguments to resolve with reconnection, but it may take time to get there. Here’s why: As women rapidly express a range of emotions and opinions (which we are more inherently wired to do) our guys’ brains rapidly hit a stage of high alert. They often need to step away and process what they’ve heard before they can take in more. Most men truly are wired to do one thing at a time (think, deal with emotions, talk) while most women are wired to do all three at once!

What to do: Understand that in an argument, our natural responses may be very different. Women often want to resolve an argument and be reconciled with our spouse (hence the warm embrace trope)—even if that means following him around the house in order to Just. Finish. The. Argument. This can wind up having the opposite effect. Your husband will nominate you for sainthood if, in the middle of a disagreement, you ask him if he needs to step away for a little while to process.

Expectation #2: It’s important to be brutally honest with my husband.

Her starry-eyed assumption: I can say anything I want, how I want, to my husband because our love is unbreakable.

Reality: Without meaning to and without thinking our speech through, any of us is capable of sounding harsh or critical. But if we begin to do this knowingly, assuming “I love him and he loves me, so it’s okay to take a little bit of license because, you know, we’re married,” we’re going to rather quickly undermine any safety and transparency our spouse may have felt in our presence.

What to do: In our research with the happiest marriages, we saw a key nuance: the happiest spouses are honest … but never brutal.

Instead, they constantly make efforts to be kind. And so must we. Proverbs 15:4 speaks to this, and I especially appreciate how this reads in The Message: “Kind words heal and help. Cutting words wound and maim.” We would never want to wound or maim our spouse!

If you suspect this is an area to work on, read through The Kindness Challenge. It will transform the way you speak to—and speak about—your spouse. (Of those who did The 30-Day Kindness Challenge for a spouse, boyfriend, or girlfriend, 89.3% reported improvement in their relationships!)

Expectation #3: My guy will know me so well that he reads my mind

Her starry-eyed assumption: As months turn into years, he will automatically anticipate what I need.

Reality: Often we expect things from our spouse that we haven’t actually communicated. And then since—shocker—he’s not and will never be a mind reader, we wind up frustrated or disappointed.

What to do: Our research shows that what you do in this moment of let-down really matters. Will you focus on the negative or the positive?

Take this example: Let’s say you’re a young mom with young kids … and you desperately need a break. Your husband takes over so you can go out with your friends. Because you’ve been overwhelmed, you might expect to come home to the blessing of an organized house—but you never actually put that into words. Instead, you walk in to find toys and books everywhere, and your husband just woke up after obviously cuddling your 2-year-old to sleep. You start fuming about the clean-up instead of realizing something beautiful. The kids had an amazing time with their dad! You can:

Blast him for the messMutter about having to pick the house up when you’ve already been overwhelmedAsk him to tell you about the evening, invite him to help you pick things up, and maybe even flirt a little as you go

Take a guess which one will lead to a positive outcome?

Here’s the deal: If your guy is like 99.26% of other men (yes, that is a real statistic from our surveys), he deeply cares about you, wants to make you happy and doesn’t want to cause disappointment. In other words, he works hard to not disappoint you. Just help him out next time by telling him you’re overwhelmed and would love it so much if you came home to a clean house.

Expectation #4: My husband will be just like my best girlfriend

Her starry-eyed assumption: Once we’re married and all moved-in together, he’ll be my BFF—listening to all my hopes and dreams.

Reality: While your guy really does want a built-in best friend—and in the best marriages couples treat each other like best friends!—he may not have capacity to listen to allllll your ideas and dreams daily. Our research for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages found that that 83% of very happy couples hang out with their spouse at least weekly. They love time together. But, this may not look like an idealized (again, blame the rom-coms) notion of what we might be anticipating—especially if we’ve just moved from an apartment full of female roommates into a house with our spouse!

What to do: Our research has found time and time again that our husbands want to be with us. They want to hear our heart. They want to know, and share, our dreams. In my research for For Women Only, we asked one open-ended survey question. We wanted to find out what men most want their wives to know but have a hard time trying to explain. Their number-one answer?

How much I love her.

So when there’s a BFF disconnect, here’s what to do: Gently remind yourself that your spouse may have less capacity to listen for hours on end. This goes back to assumption #1, and the fact that he’s likely not wired to take in an avalanche of words at once, especially after a long day. It’s not lack of interest. It’s just different wiring.

Pick the highlights and trust his love for you. This is a recipe for heart happiness, not heartache.

If you haven’t already, make sure you subscribe to our blog, as I’ll be back in the next one with four false expectations guys have—and what they can do to navigate them well.

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

On our podcast, I Wish You Could Hear This, Jeff and I offer proven steps to help you thrive in your life, faith and relationships. In other words, we’ll offer the practical help you’ve grown accustomed to right here in this blog space.  You’ll take away specific steps that help you today. Listen, follow, and share with your friends on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify and other platforms.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

#mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */ .button {background-color: #3389C2;background:#3389C2;color: #fff} Receive Shaunti’s Blog & Updates* indicates required Email Address * (function($) {window.fnames = new Array(); window.ftypes = new Array();fnames[0]='EMAIL';ftypes[0]='email';fnames[1]='FNAME';ftypes[1]='text';fnames[2]='LNAME';ftypes[2]='text';fnames[3]='SOURCE';ftypes[3]='text';fnames[4]='MMERGE4';ftypes[4]='text';fnames[5]='MMERGE5';ftypes[5]='date';fnames[6]='MMERGE6';ftypes[6]='text';fnames[7]='MMERGE7';ftypes[7]='text';fnames[8]='MMERGE8';ftypes[8]='text';fnames[9]='MMERGE9';ftypes[9]='text';fnames[10]='MMERGE10';ftypes[10]='phone';}(jQuery));var $mcj = jQuery.noConflict(true);More from Shaunti’s Blog: 8 False Expectations Newlyweds Should Avoid (Part 1)Oh, to be newlyweds again. (And all the long-marrieds just collectively sighed a happy sigh.) The early years are exciting… Fame, Faith, and Putting Marriage First What if everything had to die so your marriage could live? Like, literally your house burned down, your career crashed… Behind the Scenes in the Speaker LifeThe speaker life is fun and sometimes … funny. There was the time I packed only sandals and short sleeves… One of You Wants More Sex? Here’s What’s Going On. Do you have a sex mismatch in your marriage? One of you wants more sex than the other, and pressure,… 5 Quick Steps to Calm a Stressed-Out ChildAs parents we’ve all been there. Our child melts down in Target and we’re just trying to calm the hysterics,… From Wrecked to Restored: Lessons from a First Responder with Dan Defenbaugh   Who helps the first responders who help us? Who do they call when they’re in pain? In increasing numbers, they’re…

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