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Your Husband Just Lost His Job: How to Respond (Part 1)

As she finished preparing her lunch, Maya heard the kitchen door open. That has to be Nate. What’s he doing home? She turned slowly. 

His face was an unreadable mix of emotions. “Well, it finally happened. I was laid off.” 

Of all the challenging situations a couple faces together, one of the most difficult is the loss of a job. As many people are learning today, a job loss presents a major shock, an uncertain future, and a range of emotional responses. That’s the case no matter who is being laid off, and for what reasons. And most people want to support and help their partner through it.

But based on our years of research for For Women Only and For Men Only, we’ve seen one hidden factor that often arises when it is the husband who is laid off—and which can either deeply help or hurt the relationship. It is whether or not a woman fully understands how a sudden job loss affects a man, and how to support, encourage and partner with her husband so they come through the time stronger—both personally and professionally. 

There are so many powerful insights and practical answers that arose from the research, that we’re going to turn this into a short series and share the top 10 tips for any wife whose husband has gotten the bad news—or is worried that he might. 

In Part 1, we’ll start with the most foundational first tip.

Tip #1: Recognize What He Thinks the Bad News Actually Is —Because It Is Different Than You Realize

Recently I was speaking to the owner of a new, rapidly growing small business. His acumen had helped take the venture from zero to nearly $2 million in revenue in less than three years. 

Yet he also shared a story that is highly telling about the inner lives of men—and why an unexpected layoff is devastating in a different way than we women might realize.

Five years ago, when this man was working for a different organization, his employer had required him to take a neuropsychological exam—and when he got the results, he was devastated. The report said “IQ: 70”—a severely mentally disadvantaged level of intelligence.  He looked at the report and internally said, “I knew it all along. I knew that I was a pretender. That I didn’t have what it took to handle things well. What am I doing in this role?!” 

After about twenty minutes of misery, he noticed a note: “Numbers listed are a percentile.”  

His IQ wasn’t the significantly low raw score of 70 . . . it was in the 70th percentile. He was significantly more intelligent than average! 

And yet his immediate reaction had been the thought: I knew it.  

Many of us, in that situation, would immediately think: That can’t be right! But not him. He didn’t stop and think about how impossible it would be to have worked this long and accomplished what he had with significantly impaired mental capacity. No, in his mind, it confirmed a long-held, deep suspicion that he wasn’t good enough.

If your husband is like the statistical majority of men, that is likely to be at least part of his subconscious emotional reaction to losing his job. I knew it. This is only confirming that I didn’t have what it takes. It was only a matter of time until they found me out. 

They don’t look like it, but roughly 75% of men feel that way inside, according to our surveys for For Women Only and several other books.

If we want to truly comfort, help, support, and build up our man, it starts by recognizing that fundamental, unseen vulnerability under the surface in our husband. And the incredibly important role that we have in helping him see the truth.

What do we do about it? Stay tuned for Part 2. [Click here to automatically receive Part 2, and other articles like this.]

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Thriving in Love and Money, uncovers the issues that cause money conflicts and provide couples with truths that are relationship game-changers. Because you need a better relationship, not just a better budget.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first posted at Patheos.

The post Your Husband Just Lost His Job: How to Respond (Part 1) appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Financial Friction? Money Strategies that Will Help Your Marriage

It’s no secret that money can cause friction in marriage. In fact, many husbands and wives essentially manage finances separately, just to avoid that friction! And while doing that can be tempting (and I mean really tempting!), our Thriving in Love & Money research shows that handling money independently breaks the very trust that binds us together as husband and wife. (For more on this, see part 1 and part 2 of this blog series about “unity busters,” the pesky financial habits that undermine marriage).

But here is the good news—just as there are negative money behaviors that prevent unity, there are also positive financial practices that promote greater intimacy in marriage.

Here are a few:

Unity Builder #1: Be Self-Aware

We all have a sneaky tendency to resist being one when it comes to money. We kinda just want to do what we want to do, right?

The best way to counter this inclination is to catch it when it crops up –and willing to admit it! For example, when I pull into the garage with more purchases from Costco than Jeff was expecting and see his car isn’t there, I feel relieved.

Um… why?!

I have to be willing to see my relief for what it is: a chance to avoid confessing to Jeff that I got that extra little space heater or that bag that was on such a good sale, even though I’d promised to cut down on spending. As much as I would like to avoid it, I have to be willing to be fully transparent with this person I joined my life to – and tell him I made a judgement call but I’m totally willing to return those things if he strongly disagrees. And on the other side of things, when Jeff is tempted to “play the martyr” by saying, “since you overspent, I just won’t go to the eye doctor, even though I need new glasses,” he has to be willing to recognize his own behavior for what it is: an attempt to control things and “punish” me for making those purchases.

Fighting both our tendencies towards separation instead of togetherness is a crucial first step.

Unity Builder #2: Recognize (And Act On) What Is Most Important

Very few people say that having a lot of money is more important than having a good marriage. Yet, when we resist being on the same team with money, we are acting as if it is. Putting our marriage first means dismantling any systems we’ve put in place that keep us apart or enable mistrust, like prenuptial agreements, secret bank accounts, or even systematically hiding Walmart receipts.

It is very easy to have those systems to “protect ourselves.” But if we care about our marriage more than money, we have to set aside fear and eliminate those marriage-killing factors that, in reality, we should fear far more.

As one newlywed put it, “Finances are a big part of life, but trust is more foundational than finances.”

Unity Builder #3: Create Joint Ownership Of Your Finances

This is the next step after you dismantle the dangerous ‘separate’ systems: build ones that institutionalize one-ness instead! If you want unity in marriage, there is no way around complete transparency in money matters. If there are things you have been holding back, now is the time to bring everything into the open.

To be clear: This doesn’t mean that you can’t use different accounts for convenience, or that you have to both be equally involved in paying the bills! But it does mean there can’t be anything hidden, and that you two are fully on the same page. While there is no one “right” way to arrange your finances, both of you should be fully aware of and have access to everything.

Some of you will have done this from the beginning. For others, this will be a huge step of faith. If your spouse takes that step of trust, honor it. Show them how thankful you are. And if you need someone to help you work through these issues, reach out to a qualified counselor or coach who shares the value of getting you to full transparency.

Unity Builder #4: Believe The Best Of Your Spouse

It will always be hard to become one team unless you let yourself believe what is almost certainly true: Your spouse deeply cares about you and has your best interest at heart—even when they handle money in a way that frustrates you. In research for our book Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, we discovered that with very, very few exceptions, most spouses truly do care about their mate. And believing that in the face of legitimate hurt (since we all hurt each other at times) was the most foundational step toward a thriving marriage.

So when you find yourself upset by a financial choice your spouse has made, or you feel a bit disregarded, remember that they do care about you, and work to understand what is underneath their actions.  You’ll be far better able to help them honor what you care about, if you believe the best of them and try to understand them, first.

Thankfully, with a little know-how and a willing heart, couples can leverage their management of money to work for their marriage rather than against it. For more details on money habits that will help your marriage thrive, visit our website to take the free assessment or read more in our newest book, Thriving in Love and Money.

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Thriving in Love and Money, uncovers the issues that cause money conflicts and provide couples with truths that are relationship game-changers. Because you need a better relationship, not just a better budget.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post Financial Friction? Money Strategies that Will Help Your Marriage appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Happy Independence Day? Surprising ways to more intimacy (Part 2 of The Unity Series)

Happy Independence Day week! 

Independence works well for nations in many ways, but can cause issues in marriage. And we’ve sadly seen in our own nation how easy it is for the United States of America to splinter when the parties within it become their own independent factions instead of fighting for that unity.

So as you celebrate our country’s independence, wouldn’t it be great to celebrate and work for your unity as a couple? As husbands and wives, we long for connection and closeness. Yet in our recently completed research for Thriving in Love and Money found some ways that couples unknowingly sabotage their closeness in one of the big areas of life and marriage: money. 

This is Part 2 of the Unity Series where we look at ways to become more united. In Part 1, we looked at two unity busters of “I want control and to do what I want to do.” Let’s look now at additional ways that we move to independence when what we really want is unity in marriage. 

Unity Buster #3: Lack of trust

Most of us would probably say, “of course I trust my spouse!” After all, almost everyone is pretty confident their spouse will not embezzle the marital assets and leave town. But there are sneakier, subtler ways that, when it comes to money, we may not actually trust our partner, even if we “feel” like we trust him or her. 

For example, one woman we interviewed didn’t trust her husband’s financial willpower: “I still get nervous. Justin isn’t a crazy spender, but he isn’t nearly as strict about sticking to our budget like I am.” Others may not trust that their spouse will understand their need to purchase something, restricting their freedom to enjoy life. And some people go into marriage not even trusting that the marriage itself will survive, necessitating (in their minds) a separate bank account “just in case.”

All these fears are understandable—and yet the answer is not hiding in our separate corners, but actually talking through all those worries and putting a plan in place that works for both of you. (For how to talk it through, here’s a shameless plug to read the book!)

Unity Buster #4: “I want to take care of myself and not owe anyone anything so no one can hurt me”

Many of us tend to hold onto independence either to prevent getting hurt or to maintain our self-sufficiency. And truly, this is an understandable reaction to the broken world we live in. When it comes to marriage, though, a self-sufficient mindset can set us at odds with what we really want – which is much more closeness., as one woman expressed: “I’ve always had this wall. Like, if a husband comes along, he’s a bonus, but I‘ve got myself together and I’m good and I don’t need anyone to help me. . .which is crazy, because when I have kids I have this secret dream to be a stay-at-home mom for a while.”

 The problem with the “taking care of myself” position is that marriage is designed for us to take care of each other. There is no way to become fully one without that step.

Thankfully, coming together and being one where money is concerned is not impossible. It just requires recognizing the tendencies that could pull us apart and trying to come together instead. For a list of unity-building money habits that will promote intimacy in your marriage, read part III of this blog series. 

Want to know how you score in thriving in love and money? Take the free assessment now, at thriveinloveandmoney.com/assessment. 

Please send this email to those who need this message. If you are not already on our email list, please click to subscribe.

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Shaunti Feldhahn is a Harvard-trained social researcher and best-selling author who is sheltering-in-place in Atlanta with her husband and co-author Jeff, two teenagers who are figuring out how to do college and high school online, and two cats who are thrilled to have even more video meetings to walk in front of each day. 

Shameless plug: The Feldhahns’ newest book, Thriving in Love & Money, about how to have a great relationship around money (even in a time of trial), was published right before the National Emergency was declared, and is even more essential now. You can support Shaunti’s research and team during this time by purchasing a copy for someone who needs it.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post Happy Independence Day? Surprising ways to more intimacy (Part 2 of The Unity Series) appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Happy Independence Day? Surprising ways to more intimacy (Part 1 of The Unity Series)

In a few days, Americans will celebrate the Fourth of July. With fireworks, flags, and a whole lot of barbecue, we will cheerfully commemorate our country’s heritage– our independence. What we may not realize is just how much this basic American value has shaped our relationships.

Independence can be a valuable attribute in many contexts –but in marriage it can have a sneaky sting. And nowhere is this more pronounced than around that oh-so-prevalent issue of money. 

In doing research for our new book Thriving in Love and Money, my husband Jeff and I interviewed an incredibly diverse array of people, and kept noticing one problem between husbands and wives: a resistance to becoming one. Even though most married couples see marriage as two people who have been inextricably bonded for life, too many of us still subconsciously hold ourselves back in some way. We still want our “independence.”

Before you are tempted to think, “I would never do that,” ask yourself if you have ever wanted to do any of the following:

pull the Amazon package off the step before your spouse sees it
keep a separate savings account “just in case”
seek financial help from a family member without your spouse really knowing about it
Cover certain bills yourself to prove your self-sufficiency

If any of these behaviors resonated with you, you are not alone. As our research suggests, most married people tend to hold onto independence in some way. But if we want our marriages to thrive, we need to resist our claims to independence when it comes to money, and truly open ourselves up to our spouse. How do we do that? In this blog series, we will look at habits to fight and what to do about them.

Unity Buster #1: “I want to do what I want to do”

The greatest barrier to being a unified team is our desire to spend money without being accountable to our partner. In our survey, 67 percent of respondents admitted to not wanting to talk to their spouses about money because “I want to be able to handle money the way I want to handle money.”

And to some degree, all of us are always either fighting that temptation or giving in to it. Whether by having separate bank accounts, hiding purchases, or making financial decisions independently, many of us show a secret belief that money is “mine” or “yours,” not “ours.” And yet marriage is designed for two to become ONE. We need to be willing to fight that independence tendency and realize that money needs to be “ours” if we are ever going to move from “you” and “me” to “we.”

Unity Buster #2: “I want to be in control”

Whether we fear losing the freedom to spend money “our way” or we fear our spouse will spend money a little too freely, many of us think we can mitigate our financial concerns by gaining control. One husband described his need for control this way: “I could never relinquish control of knowing what is going on [financially]. That terrifies me. You could find yourself in a bad situation so fast. My wife feels the same, so she has her own account too. She doesn’t want me to have control over her and vice versa.” This man and his wife explicitly see unity in marriage as terrifying because (in their minds) giving up control means allowing someone to control them and keep them in the dark.

And yet, a good marriage around money means more coordination and communication – not less! – in order to be unified around money. Unity will never mean one person having “control” over the other!

Recognize yourself in any of these habits so far? If so, realize that having your eyes opened is your first step!

So, as you celebrate Independence Day this year, consider ways that you may be a little too independent and look for ways to create more unity with your spouse. And then be sure to check out the upcoming Parts 2 and 3 of this Unity Series.

Want to know how you score in thriving in love and money? Take the free assessment now, at thriveinloveandmoney.com/assessment.

Please send this email to those who need this message. If you are not already on our email list, please click to subscribe.

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Shaunti Feldhahn is a Harvard-trained social researcher and best-selling author who is sheltering-in-place in Atlanta with her husband and co-author Jeff, two teenagers who are figuring out how to do college and high school online, and two cats who are thrilled to have even more video meetings to walk in front of each day. 

Shameless plug: The Feldhahns’ newest book, Thriving in Love & Money, about how to have a great relationship around money (even in a time of trial), was published right before the National Emergency was declared, and is even more essential now. You can support Shaunti’s research and team during this time by purchasing a copy for someone who needs it.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post Happy Independence Day? Surprising ways to more intimacy (Part 1 of The Unity Series) appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Mourning in our Ministry: The Amazing Life of Naomi Duncan

Sixteen years ago, in December of 2004, I met a remarkable woman who drove from Nashville to Atlanta to visit with me.  Three months before, I had published my first relationship book, For Women Only, which was quickly becoming one of those unexpected best-sellers that turns your life upside down.  Only I had no idea how to guide it to being “upside-down” in a good way. I had no idea how to steward this incredible opportunity I had been given. 

So God sent Naomi Duncan. 

Naomi became my speaking agent, a guide through the craziness, a friend and a sister. She and her pastor-husband, Brad, moved back to Oregon to plant a church outside of Portland. But still, she was always there as the “engine” for the ministry and a voice of Christ-like wisdom when the path wasn’t clear.

And now, once again, my life has been turned upside down… and I have no idea how to walk this path without her.

Naomi went in for routine, non-invasive surgery on a routine Tuesday, expecting to be home that evening. Our team prayed for her, and all expected to get good news quickly. But complications occurred. Naomi was just eager to get home to her husband and kids, and kept reassuring us: It was fine, things were fine, I can’t believe they are keeping me another night, how are things with the planning for the new video series? Her husband and I, talking and texting on the side, were less sanguine. Things just weren’t clear. Five days later, on a Saturday afternoon, the hospital sent her home. 

Monday morning at 4 am Pacific time, her husband called. He could hardly speak. Naomi had collapsed Sunday night, been rushed to the ER, coded 5 times, and they couldn’t save her. We found out later it was a pulmonary embolism. 

She was gone. 

Just like that.

Her two sweet teenagers had lost their Mom. Brad had lost his best friend.  The church had lost their pastor’s wife. Both families had lost a daughter, sibling, aunt. 

We had lost a sister.

As I write this, it has been over a week since that call, and I still can’t wrap my mind around it. None of our team can. There have been floods of tears, followed by laughter at some hilarious memory, followed by more tears. We are so grateful to know that God is in control and she is with Him. And yet it has just been so darned painful – especially as we think of the heartbroken family that she loved so fiercely.

We have been giving ourselves space to grieve, but have also been trying to notify as many people as we think need to know.

It’s a lot of people. 

Naomi’s humorous personality, capable skill-set, wisdom, and love for Jesus touched tens of thousands. For the last week we have been hearing shock and grief from the most unlikely people … except that they aren’t unlikely. The woman at a marriage conference who Naomi convinced to get counseling instead of a divorce lawyer. The organizer from an international ministry event who Naomi spent dozens of hours helping, even though they couldn’t afford to pay. The volunteer who worked side-by-side with Naomi at a book table for a weekend and ended up feeling that she, too, gained a sister in that short time.

But here’s the thing: A lot of people felt like that with Naomi. She was dry-witted, skilled, caring, direct, kind, strong, generous and loyal – and shone with the light of Jesus every day.

As we see this outpouring of love, I wish she was still here, so I could tell her how proud I am of her. 

I hope God allows her to see this outpouring of love.

I hope we all take time to hold our loved ones a little tighter, even as we pray for hers.

I hope we seek the comfort of the One who makes every sad thing untrue. 

And I hope we do what Naomi would want us to do in this moment: believe that Jesus comes close to the broken-hearted; trust that He is sovereign even when we do not understand; and believe what He said when He too was heartbroken by the death of a friend: “I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live.”

*

If you would like to read more about Naomi, tangibly support the family (to help with their extensive medical bills, etc.), or watch the livestream Celebration of Life service on Saturday June 13, see the GoFundMe page set up for the family.

The post Mourning in our Ministry: The Amazing Life of Naomi Duncan appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

The Emerge Stronger Series: Learn About Yourself and Your Spouse to Navigate Money Well

This is Part 5 of a series that looks at the research-based solutions to navigating this trying time in our lives and marriages—and emerging stronger. Feel free to share this with those who might benefit!

As we noted last time, one of the greatest needs today (and one of the most important factors for emerging stronger from the pandemic era) is for couples to get on the same page about money. Yet that requires . . . um . . . talking about money. 

Wait, don’t leave! If you, like most of us (77%) find that a bit uncomfortable, you’ll be encouraged to know that the solution is much easier than you think. We identified how to do that in our research for Thriving in Love & Money, and it starts with understanding what is really going on underneath your response to money—and your spouse’s. For some initial tips, let’s continue the list of lessons learned from last time, starting with:

Recapping Lesson 4: Money Friction Often Occurs Because You Aren’t Valuing What Your Partner Values   

I’m sure this will come as a huge surprise, but you are married to someone who is different from you. This causes all sorts of issues—especially when it comes to money. And yet for some reason, we tend not to recognize the ultra-simple root cause: We aren’t valuing or honoring what this alien creature cares about. 

Often, in fact, we think what they value is just wrong. It just seems wrong to maintain that Audible subscription when we’re not having to fill a long commute with audio books . . . or alternately, it just seems heartless to take away something that brings joy during such a difficult time.

The thing is: unless there’s an unusual or systemic problem like a gambling addiction, neither of our values are generally wrong or right—they are just different. Which means we can honor the fact that something matters to our spouse, even if we disagree with it.

What do you care about around money? What matters to your spouse? What specifically are you worried about? It might involve different things, experiences, timeframes, ways of making money decisions, gut-level insecurities. We identified many patterns in how this plays out and I encourage you to identify which applies to the two of you.

Now for the next lesson . . . 

Lesson 5: Empathizing With Your Partner (And Helping Them Do The Same) Naturally Creates Money Communication

So many of the feelings triggered by money are subconscious and hard to articulate. Therefore, it is easier to get frustrated and check out rather than use conflict as a chance to understand each other. The breakthrough comes once you realize, “Wait—that is how I think!” Because then you can explain what you care about to your spouse, and why—and help draw out and honor the “why” in their heart as well. 

As noted, you still may not agree with each other; frankly, you often won’t. But it is astounding how much easier it is to talk about money when you are talking about what is really going on underneath the surface, rather than talking about those specific dollars and cents.

It is astounding how much easier it is to talk about money when you are talking about what is really going on underneath the surface, rather than talking about those specific dollars and cents.
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To make it easier to understand, let me share a simple, common example of a clash of values that may hypothetically occur in our own household: that of saving and planning mattering a lot more to one partner than the other. 

In our case (yeah, okay, it’s not hypothetical) it turned from an opportunity for conflict to an opportunity for conversation and connection—at a very important time.

Jeff and I have often clashed because he is the saver; I’m more of the spender. (Saving and spending are not correlated to gender. It just happens to play out that way for us.) Jeff has been much more motivated to save up for retirement, to put away funds for a rainy day, and so on.

Well, today, it’s not so much raining as monsooning, right? And all the savers out there are feeling TOTALLY vindicated. Furthermore, in our own home, with our income radically disrupted, we have to be able to talk and plan our finances in ways that in previous years would have almost certainly caused serious tension.

But here’s what happened instead:

A few weeks into the pandemic shutdown, Jeff told me he’d been struggling with a bit of resentment about my prior spending. If we hadn’t gone out to eat as many times or hadn’t taken that Disney vacation with the kids last year, we’d have thousands more dollars in our account. Which would really come in handy now that a lot of our sources of income are paused for a while!

But then, Jeff was suddenly able to put words to what mattered to me. He told me that on the heels of his resentment, he quickly realized: All those moments together built our relationship as a family. We created good memories. We got close. And now suddenly, we’ve been stuck at home together—and because of building that connection, we like each other. He said, “I realize that until now I was thinking of much of that spending as only a cost, but now I realize there was a benefit too. And that you saw those times together as an investment.”

Until Jeff and I conducted this research, it would have been very hard for him to articulate that, or for me to articulate my underlying feeling: Of course I want to wisely save money. But God also wants us to have abundant life now, too. And He promises to provide. And what about the biblical story of the guy who stored all his excess up in barns (way more than a reserve fund!) and then never got to enjoy it?  Yes, we need savings, but I also want to build up family experiences and enjoy life now, not just 20 years from now.

Here’s the key: Even though, at the start, Jeff was understanding me more than I was understanding him, and even though he still disagreed with my approach in many ways, it was a breakthrough for us in communication because I felt understood. And that alone led to me being much more willing to talk about how to drastically tighten the belt now, without getting defensive (which would often shut down productive progress) or without him feeling criticized. It also has led me to want to understand and honor more of what matters to him.

So How Can We Know What Those Feelings Are? How Do We Get Started?

As mentioned last time, we strongly recommend that you take the free assessment. It only takes 5 minutes, but it identifies where you are starting in love and money, and how to get where you want to be. 

We also strongly recommend that you do the Love & Money Exchange. Read through the book about yourself, first, especially chapters 3, 4 and 5 about our different values, our different fears, and the different ways we resist being “one team” in marriage. Read it with a pen in hand and highlight and circle those things that perfectly describe how you think. Your spouse should do the same. Then trade and read each other’s comments. This will give you a personalized tour of your partner’s heart and mind around money. It is an incredibly valuable tool to start communication in ways you may never have been able to before.

Before the pandemic era, we may have been able to “get by” without having to talk and connect really well around money. But now that we have to, let’s resolve to use this time well, and come out of it with a closer connection that will serve us well, on an issue that will matter for the rest of our lives. 

Please send this email to those who need this message. If you are not already on our email list, please click to subscribe.

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Shaunti Feldhahn is a Harvard-trained social researcher and best-selling author who is sheltering-in-place in Atlanta with her husband and co-author Jeff, two teenagers who are figuring out how to do college and high school online, and two cats who are thrilled to have even more video meetings to walk in front of each day. 

Shameless plug: The Feldhahns’ newest book, Thriving in Love & Money, about how to have a great relationship around money (even in a time of trial), was published right before the National Emergency was declared, and is even more essential now. You can support Shaunti’s research and team during this time by purchasing a copy for someone who needs it.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post The Emerge Stronger Series: Learn About Yourself and Your Spouse to Navigate Money Well appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

The Emerge Stronger Series: Come Together Around Money (It’s Easier Than You Think!)

This is Part 4 of a series that looks at the research-based solutions to navigating this trying time in our lives and marriages—and emerging stronger. Feel free to share this with those who might benefit!

We all know that money is one of the main issues in marriage even during normal times.

These are not normal times. And coming together around money has never been more essential—not just for our finances, but for our relationship.

Believe it or not, Jeff and I just finished a three-year research project on this exact topic. On March 3, 2020 we released a book called Thriving in Love & Money. It is, of course, every author’s dream to work for three years on a book and have it come out one week before a National Emergency is declared. 

And yet . . . I fully believe that God chose this time. Because suddenly we have millions of us who are stuck at home, worrying about money. And what we need most is what Jeff and I were studying: Not “how to create a great budget” (there are plenty of those resources already out there) but instead, “how to have a great relationship around money.”

In this Part 4 and in Part 5 of this series, I’m going to share several quick lessons from our research that will give you a starting point. And then (shameless plug), I’m going to urge you to take our free assessment and buy the book.  Not because it helps us (although it will) but because I think what we learned will help any couple who wants and needs to come together around money in a whole new way.

Lesson 1: The key to a great relationship around money is to talk about money

I know many of you just winced, right? Most couples really don’t like talking about money. In our nationally-representative surveys, 77% of us cannot talk about money without awkwardness, defensiveness, or fighting. So we avoid it where we can. That is certainly where Jeff and I were before we began this research project. Overall, only 23% of couples can talk about money well, without discomfort or avoidance. 

For those of you who are in that category, the rest of us are jealous of you. 

We sort of think you’re mutants.  

The thing is, before the coronavirus era, many of us could get by without really talking about it. Without having to come together around money. In a time of prosperity, we could get away with essentially saying, “You do your thing, and I do my thing, and we’ll make it work.”    

Well, that time is gone, right? And it looks like it could be gone for some time, as the overall economy could take years to rebound. 

The economy might hurt your finances. But it doesn’t have to hurt your marriage. The key, we discovered in the research, is to be able to talk about it. And thankfully, once we can, we’ll be far more able to come together around the steps that will improve our actual finances.  

Now is the time when all of us have to learn how to talk about money well. 

And it turns out, we don’t have to be mutants to do it. It is far easier than you ever realized. (We can tell you that both from the research and from personal experience!)

Lesson 2: The key to talking about money is to understand how it makes you feel

In order to talk, we have to first understand one another. And that includes not just understanding our spouse but ourselves. 

For example, during “normal” times, why would I get irritated if I called Jeff after a long day of meetings and said I wanted to pick up Chinese takeout on the way home—and he said, “Well, that will be $35, and I’ve got some chicken in the fridge from Costco—how about I just grill that, okay?” 

Why does that bug me?!

It turns out, when we have tension around money, it’s not about the money. It’s about how money makes us feel. And how it makes our spouse feel. It’s about a host of worries, expectations and beliefs running under the surface. And often, we don’t even know those feelings are there—much less how to articulate them and share them with our partner! 

In our case, I wouldn’t have been able to articulate that after a long day of meetings I was subconsciously thinking, “We haven’t had any family time lately, and if we grill the chicken, there will be prep and cooking and clean up and then we’re going to have to start homework . . . so $35 to buy a precious hour of family time? You bet!” Where Jeff and many other “saver-types” like him (both men and women!) would be thinking, “If we keep making these choices and eating takeout, we’re going to be homeless in retirement!”

If we’re going to have a productive conversation around money, instead of one that devolves into defensiveness, blame, shame or other unhelpful previous patterns, we have to be able to bring those feelings and expectations to the surface. We need to be able to share them in a way the other person can understand. And then, unless there is an extremely unusual pattern of behavior (such as a gambling addiction), we have to honor what the other person cares about, even if we still disagree with it. 

Understanding ourselves and our partner, and being able to talk about it, is what Thriving in Love & Money is about, specifically. (And I’ll cover more on this in Part 5, the next article in this series.)

Lesson 3: Building financial cushion helps the relationship

When we have tension around money, we tend to think that the solution is simple: more money! We think, “If we just made more money we wouldn’t fight or get irritated with each other.” And yet, it turns out, that’s not true. People of all income levels can have great marriages around money, or terrible ones.  

What matters far more than income level, we found, is living below that line. Building up some savings.  Building a reserve fund. How many of us are finding these days just how crucial that reserve fund actually is!?

And doing so is not just protective of our finances: it is also protective of our relationship. Because when income is cut, or someone loses a job, or the car breaks down, we aren’t as thrown. We don’t start bickering and blaming over whether one spouse should have spent this or saved that. When we have funds in reserve, we can still be nervous, and we still need to be tender with each other’s feelings and fears (more on that next time), but it acts as a shock absorber for the relationship.

Now, one note: Many of us have come into this time without enough of a shock absorber, and we are rightfully going to be focused on building up savings. But we have to do that in a way that honors the desires and needs of both partners in the marriage, not just the one who is a bit more “savings-oriented” than the other.  

We’ll tackle how to do that next time, in Part 5. In the meantime, as mentioned, we strongly recommend that you take the free, 5-minute assessment to see where you are starting in love and money, and that you look through the book to learn how all this applies to you.

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Shaunti Feldhahn is a Harvard-trained social researcher and best-selling author who is sheltering-in-place in Atlanta with her husband and co-author Jeff, two teenagers who are figuring out how to do college and high school online, and two cats who are thrilled to have even more video meetings to walk in front of each day. 

Shameless plug: The Feldhahn’s newest book, Thriving in Love & Money, about how to have a great relationship around money (even in a time of trial), was published right before the National Emergency was declared, and is even more essential now. You can support Shaunti’s research and team during this time by purchasing a copy for someone who needs it.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post The Emerge Stronger Series: Come Together Around Money (It’s Easier Than You Think!) appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

The Emerge Stronger Series: Get Emotionally Close While Being Physically Close

This is Part 3 of a series that looks at the research-based solutions to navigating this trying time in our lives and marriages—and emerging stronger. Feel free to share this with those who might benefit!

If you listen to the pundits, the conventional wisdom is that this quarantine is fracturing marriages in an unprecedented way. We hear about China’s divorce filings spiking as soon as their lockdown let up, and divorce requests breaking a city’s single-day record. We hear that we too will soon see a wave of divorces.

I think this is missing the big picture—and the much more encouraging truth! Yes, temporary divorce spikes are possible (although I suspect China’s were a function of delayed requests happening all at once). But I believe this time is likely to end up being a far greater blessing for marriages than any of the pundits can imagine. 

I want to share why—and how we can purposefully steer our marriages toward emerging from this season stronger and more connected than we were going in. In particular, if you are in a shaky marriage I hope you will see this as an opportunity for healing. (One vital exception: if you are in an abusive household, you need to make your safety and your kids’ safety your priority. Please seek help and get to a safe place. All states say you are not breaking the lockdown!)

Why This Unprecedented Time Is An Unprecedented Opportunity

During “normal” times, our research study for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages found that one of the most sneakily simple actions that makes marriages better is to simply hang out more often. 

Well, we’re all hanging out a lot more than we used to, aren’t we?! So why does it matter, and how do we use it to strengthen our marriage?  

Why it matters: It turns out, the happiest couples treat each other first and foremost as best friends. Think about it: When you are very, very close friends with someone, you don’t just love each other—you like each other. And you like and care for one other so much that you can and will work through very difficult things in order to keep the friendship intact. 

That “liking” is what some shaky marriages have begun to lack—and what they can get back during this time as they strengthen their friendship with each other.

So what is the greatest predictor of friendship? It is easy to think it is “shared values” or “complementary temperaments”, and so on. Actually, all those things matter, but they are secondary. The greatest predictor of friendship is geographic proximity. You are the best friends with the people you see the most often. The more time you spend together, the closer you get—and the less time you spend together, the less intimate even the closest friendships will begin to feel. Just ponder what happened in your relationship when a very close friend moved away, and you’ll see what I mean. (We don’t have space here to unpack this more, but I urge you to see the book for more “to-do’s” and our findings about how to build a vital, happy marriage.)

During “normal” times, we are all so busy and stretched with commitments away from our family that we often grow distant without intending to. Our friendship wanes. Which leaves room for irritations to rise and “liking” to fall. We begin to have conflict, and then avoid each other in order to avoid the conflict—which means we spend less time together. The “best practice” solution among counselors is to ask the couple to purposefully spend some “conflict-free” time together.  

One highly successful marriage counselor told me her main prescription, before she takes on a new couple for marriage therapy, is to ask them to spend 30 minutes together each day just talking and reconnecting, with no negativity or fighting. By the time they sit down in her office two weeks later for the start of their sessions, they have rediscovered their friendship and are willing and able to work to grow back together.

Please note: I am not saying that spending time together by itself will solve major marriage problems.  But spending time together, if done with goodwill, will rebuild the friendship. And if you are friends with this person you have pledged your life to, you can solve anything.  

How to use this time to strengthen our marriages: We are now given the opportunity to rediscover our friendship with our spouse and/or to make it even stronger. Which leads to one huge, main, neon-sign challenge to each of us:

Don’t Waste This Moment

Don’t waste this time. Seize the chance to grow closer by doing things that will connect with your spouse. This might mean deep conversations, but it might mean simply plopping down beside your spouse on the couch as they watch an action movie, even if action movies aren’t really your thing.  Simply be together. Pull up photographs of a vacation and reminisce. Ask what their favorite memory was from that time at the beach or the snowshoeing trip. Have your morning coffee together, even if all you do is to sit across from each other and read the morning news and mention an interesting snippet from time to time. Go walking together. Even better, while you’re walking, ask about your spouse’s fears and worries right now and really listen to the heart underneath the surface of their answers. Honor their feelings instead of trying to fix them or think (or say!) that they shouldn’t feel that way.

What we must not do is to find a corner of the house or apartment, closet ourselves, and shut down. Yes, everyone needs some space in times like these—especially those introverts who re-energize by being alone. (And an introvert will appreciate that and emerge more ready to engage.) But giving your spouse or yourself space is not the same thing as emotionally pulling away and just trying to endure these next few weeks or months on your own.  

I was doing a radio interview yesterday on how to emerge stronger from this time, and the host issued this challenge to her listeners: “Don’t blow the opportunity by burying yourself in Netflix or gaming!”

I agree, but would adjust that: don’t blow this opportunity by burying yourself in Netflix or gaming—unless that is what your spouse is doing! If they are closeting themselves, ask if you can join them! Watch the Netflix show together. Ask if you can watch your spouse gaming—after all, many others have turned gaming into a spectator sport! (Or find a video game you two can play together.)

Every couple will have a different pattern. The key is to find and pursue those things you can talk about, watch, and do together during this time. Even if it is simply hanging out. 

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Shaunti Feldhahn is a Harvard-trained social researcher and best-selling author who is sheltering-in-place in Atlanta with her husband and co-author Jeff, two teenagers who are figuring out how to do college and high school online, and two cats who are thrilled to have even more video meetings to walk in front of each day. 

Shameless plug: The Feldhahn’s newest book, Thriving in Love & Money, about how to have a great relationship around money (even in a time of trial), was published right before the National Emergency was declared, and is even more essential now. You can support Shaunti’s research and team during this time by purchasing a copy for someone who needs it.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post The Emerge Stronger Series: Get Emotionally Close While Being Physically Close appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

The Emerge Stronger Series: Kindness Wins

This is Part 2 of a series that looks at the research-based solutions to navigating this trying time in our lives and marriages—and emerging stronger. Feel free to share this with those who might benefit!

How do we come through this season with our personal relationships not only intact but stronger? How do we move past the inevitable daily hurts and build delight instead? That question is even more important now that our current shelter-in-place mandate seems unlikely to be a short-term, one-and-done situation. Even once government rules relax a bit, we’ll probably have to live, work, school, exercise and play at home more than before. At least for a while, different personalities, values and opinions will continue to be crammed together with no easy relief.  

It would be so easy for the pressure to magnify small issues and annoyances in our relationships. Now add the heat of financial worries, and those who already had cracks in their bedrock might feel the magma building toward a volcanic explosion. 

The other day, I was shopping at Target for my Mom, whose retirement community understandably prohibits people from visiting or leaving. As I pushed my (disinfected) cart around the aisles, I heard the exasperated voice of a woman near me as she spoke to someone on the other end of the phone. 

“And I swear if he says that one more time, I’m going to scream,” she said. “I was annoyed anyway, but now we’re both home all the time and I can’t get away from it. We’ve grown apart, and now we’re having to be together all the time. And when I say anything about him not working minimum hours, he sulks. It’s awful.” 

Heat and pressure. 

I wish I could have interrupted her phone call and given her hope.  

Because here’s the key truth: The same heat and pressure that produces hot, scorching magma also creates diamonds. If there is a special process in place, those diamonds are carried quickly to the surface intact instead of being destroyed. 

What special process will allow all of us to come through this sparkling like rare and precious jewels instead of scorching others or our relationship into destruction? 

It’s called kindness. Not “compatibility.” Not “having an uninterrupted income.” It’s not about having a lack of trouble or a particular set of circumstances. Rather, it is about being kind toward those around you. Especially when paired with a willingness to work at things. 

We saw those principles in our research for The Kindness Challenge, and they have been discovered and fleshed out many times by others.

One 2018 Michigan State study by William Chopik discovered that kindness—being agreeable, considerate, nice—is far more important to creating a great relationship than being compatible or having a similar personality. He also found that conscientiousness (working hard and thoroughly) was highly predictive of having a sense of well-being in general and relationship satisfaction in particular. By contrast, a sense of dissatisfaction, anxiety or worry leads to a lack of well-being and satisfaction.

As Chopik put it in an interview, it is all too easy to focus on whether my partner is compatible with me. When “Instead, people may want to ask, ‘Are they a nice person?’ ‘Do they have a lot of anxiety?’ Those things matter way more than the fact that two people [have similar personality types].”  

Lesson? Kindness wins. To get through these unprecedented times it isn’t about what your partner does or doesn’t do amidst the heat and pressure: it’s about what you do. 

What does “kindness” look like? It means withholding negativity and unkindness, speaking words of affirmation, and being generous in your actions. To make that a habit, try the 30-Day Kindness Challenge, which improved 89% of relationships in our research. Although we recommend that you sign up for the regular initiative, our “Raise the Curve on Kindness” page also has informal ideas specific to this time of social distancing. 

And ironically, using this time of distancing as a time of learning and growth, will bring us closer together than we have been before.

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Shaunti Feldhahn is a Harvard-trained social researcher and best-selling author who is sheltering-in-place in Atlanta with her husband and co-author Jeff, two teenagers who are figuring out how to do college and high school online, and two cats who are thrilled to have even more video meetings to walk in front of each day. 

Shameless plug: The Feldhahn’s newest book, Thriving in Love & Money, about how to have a great relationship around money (even in a time of trial), was published right before the National Emergency was declared, and is even more essential now. You can support Shaunti’s research and team during this time by purchasing a copy for someone who needs it.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post The Emerge Stronger Series: Kindness Wins appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

The Emerge Stronger Series: Attitude is Everything

This is Part 1 of a series that looks at the research-based solutions to navigating this trying time in our lives and marriages—and emerging stronger. Feel free to share this with those who might benefit!

All of us are caught up in a natural disaster, aren’t we? Unlike a hurricane, earthquake, or flood, this natural disaster is hitting everyone worldwide, all at the same time—and with no clear end point when we know cleanup will begin. Yet even though this season may hurt our economy and even our health, it doesn’t have to hurt our hearts. It doesn’t have to hurt our marriages.  

Instead of shaking apart, I want to know how we can come through this season better and stronger than we were before; the very practical steps we can take.

So as those of you who know me might suspect, I’ve been doing a lot of new research during the last few weeks (I can’t help myself!) to investigate how people are responding to this time. I’ve also been digging into past research and the best practices emerging now. And whether I’m interviewing random people in the grocery store (from the appropriate social distance!), talking to pastors and leaders via Zoom, or reading old studies about responses to the 1918 Spanish Flu pandemic, I am seeing a crucial truth very strongly: Whether each of us emerge stronger or weaker in our hearts and relationships will be our choice. 

Over the last few years, our family has binge-watched many survival shows like Alone or Out of the Wild, in which people must survive very harsh, very remote wilderness environments. The goals are all different—in one show participants must find their way to civilization, in another they must outlast everyone else while being completely isolated, in another they have to work as teams to survive, and so on. And yet, it turns out that the biggest challenge they face is exactly the same. It isn’t the lack of food or the blistered feet or the feuds with teammates. It is the open-endedness of the pain. It is not knowing how long it will be until things get better. Nearly all of them could hang on if someone could only whisper in their ear, “You only have one more week of this.” But since no one can do that for them, many give in to the pain.

It is an illustration of what the whole world is facing today: vast, unprecedented uncertainty. Will we be crammed into a small apartment with a critical spouse or squabbling children for another few weeks or is it going to be many months? Is it safe to go to the grocery store, or is the person next to me unknowingly infected with the virus? Will my company cut my hours and my income even further? Is my industry going to survive this?

The people that do the best in the survival shows have something to teach us during this time. Because by far the most important factor for survival and success isn’t their ability to build a fire or find food or any other technical survival skill. The most important factor is their mindset—their choice of attitude. The ones who survive and thrive make a choice to accept the uncertainty. They say: “I’m okay with however long this lasts, and I am going to choose to look on the bright side in every situation. I am going to be grateful for what I do have, and embrace the challenge set before me as an opportunity to grow.”

Those caught in more “traditional” natural disasters have found the same thing. The people who do well set aside the temptation to rage at their loss of control, or to say, “It shouldn’t be this way.” Instead, they say, “I am going to do the best that I can with what I have been given. Both to help me and to help others.”

And down through the ages, those who have confronted far more horrendous pandemics have found the importance of something else: of recognizing that even when we truly lack control, we can trust the God who has all things in His control.  

So when you find yourself penned inside with a household of messy, noisy people or, alternatively, lonely and isolated; when you find yourself resenting decisions being made or feeling pessimistic about the future; when you catch yourself fuming at your spouse or snapping at your kids; when you recognize that fear is spiraling or your loved one’s health is at risk . . . in those moments look for what you can be grateful for, and do something about it. For example, yes, this is a household of messy, noisy people, but they are my messy, noisy people, and I need to give them grace instead of getting irritated! Or yes, I’m so worried about my elderly father’s health—but I’m so grateful for the many ways he has poured into my life and I think I’ll pick up the phone and tell him so.  

Or yes, I’m fearful for the economy, my job, or my loved one’s income, but I choose to remember the way God provided in the past . . . and thank Him for how He will provide in the future.

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Shaunti Feldhahn is a Harvard-trained social researcher and best-selling author who is sheltering-in-place in Atlanta with her husband and co-author Jeff, two teenagers who are figuring out how to do college and high school online, and two cats who are thrilled to have even more video meetings to walk in front of each day. 

Shameless plug: The Feldhahn’s newest book, Thriving in Love & Money, about how to have a great relationship around money (even in a time of trial), was published right before the National Emergency was declared, and is even more essential now. You can support Shaunti’s research and team during this time by purchasing a copy for someone who needs it.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post The Emerge Stronger Series: Attitude is Everything appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.