Shaunti Feldhahn's Blog, page 39

When Gratitude Looks Like a Lord of the Rings Bracelet

My brother asked me recently why I tend to wear a particular bracelet all the time. It’s a dark navy cuff with silver symbols on it—it’s beautiful and unique in its own right. But it’s also special for another reason. I got it on our family’s once-in-a-lifetime trip to New Zealand last summer. And it is a constant reminder to me of the need for gratitude.

As a little background: Jeff, me, and the kids are all huge Lord of the Rings fans (don’t test me, I can quote lines from the book and reference what page it’s on!). Since the movies were filmed in New Zealand, we were beyond giddy when we got a speaking engagement on that side of the world and turned it into a family trip. We toured the farm that became Hobbiton and took tons of pics at the hobbit holes (our petite 5’ daughter enjoyed the ‘scaled’ hobbit doors that made her look like a giant!), and stared in awe at the mountains. (In real life, when not surrounded by menacing CG clouds and lightning, Mount Doom is actually stunningly beautiful.) But best of all, we toured the WETA studios workshop in Wellington to examine all the movie props and hear all the behind the scenes stories—and that’s where I found this bracelet.

When I look at it on my arm, two things always happen. I first feel a surge of gratitude for being able to take such a special trip with our family—especially right before our oldest was finishing up high school and heading off to college.

But on a much deeper level, I am reminded that God has a plan for our lives and even in desperately hard times – like what our family has gone through this year with my dad’s stroke — God is in control.  Those who have seen the LOTR movies will recognize the pattern on this cuff as that of the White Tree: the symbol of the humble True King who, in the end, defeats the dark power menacing Middle Earth and takes his rightful place on the throne. And yet here’s what gets me: the defeat of the dark power is also due to two ordinary hobbits who bravely step forward and endure immense hardship to carry out their part of the great Plan. For Jeff and me, one of our favorite scenes in The Return of the King comes when the two hobbits stop for the night as they are sneaking through the dark land toward Mount Doom; exhausted, in pain, hungry and being tracked. Frodo’s best friend, Sam, is staying up to keep watch. The dark clouds surrounding them are nearly overwhelming. But then . . .

There, peeping among the cloud-wrack above a dark tor high up in the mountains, Sam saw a white star twinkle for a while. The beauty of it smote his heart, as he looked up out of the forsaken land, and hope returned to him. For like a shaft, clear and cold, the thought pierced him that in the end the Shadow was only a small and passing thing: there was light and high beauty for ever beyond its reach. (J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King—on page 220 in OUR book!)

Friends, the same is true in our world. Things can be hard. We are living in a world in which darkness has so much dominion.  Where illness takes those we love. Where division is spreading. That is why we need a reminder that in the end the Shadow is only a small and passing thing. That there is a purpose and power and high beauty forever beyond its reach; forever at work beyond what we can often see.

The end of the story is a good one. Every time I look at the bracelet on my wrist, it reminds me of the most important reason for gratitude: that even when things seem dark, God is there. He has a purpose and we are a part of it. The darkness is not the end of the story.

Happy Thanksgiving, friends. Wishing you a moment or two to stop and look up. And see hope.

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Find Rest: A Women’s Devotional for Lasting Peace in Busy Life, focuses on a journey to rest even with life’s constant demands.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post When Gratitude Looks Like a Lord of the Rings Bracelet appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Your Wife Needs You to Tell Her She’s Beautiful

Men, have you ever had a date with your wife take a turn for the worse and you didn’t know why? You’d probably both been looking forward to date night, with some time away from the kids and a special outing planned. But by the time you got to your destination your wife was in a sour mood that simply mystified you. Well, maybe you just needed to focus in and take a closer look at what was right in front of you. Your wife probably fixed herself up to look her best for you and for your evening out together. Maybe you did notice but the thought passed through your mind quickly with the words left unsaid. Either way, from your wife’s perspective (because, you know, she can’t read your mind) you didn’t notice at all.

You might be thinking: I always think my wife looks beautiful, and surely she knows it! But does she? How will she know, unless you tell her so? Especially in situations where she puts in extra effort to look nice for the occasion and for you. Out of all the areas where men are encouraged to share their thoughts and feelings with their wife, this is one of the most important. Let me explain why….

Wives want to know that they’re beautiful to their husbands.

You may be surprised to learn that even the most secure-looking, confident women are still very much little girls inside. Even as adult women we’re asking the most important man in our life: “Do you think I’m pretty?” On my surveys of women, it’s clear that most of us have a deep desire to know that even after years of marriage, we are still beautiful to our husbands. And that need never goes away. Maybe your wife did herself all up, spent a lot of time on hair and makeup, or bought a new outfit to make your eyes pop. And if she didn’t see your eyes pop or hear any words of acknowledgment, she probably feels like if you don’t really find her beautiful after all of that effort, you never will.

Women are surrounded by unrealistic images and expectations of beauty.

It might help you to look around at the magazines and the billboards and realize that your wife is bombarded all day, every day with completely unrealistic expectations—images that shout to her “this is what you must look like if you want to be beautiful to your man.” These images tell her she must lose more weight, look younger, be sexier, dress better . . . and that pressure can get to even the most confident of women. The good news is that if you take the time to tell your wife that she’s beautiful to you, day to day, with all her wonderful individuality, you will be providing her with the best antidote for that pressure.

Your wife needs you to tell her she’s beautiful.

So if you’re in need of some encouragement to improve in this area, here’s what I suggest. Take a sticky note, post it on your desk at work, or in your closet, or somewhere only you will see it, and write on it in big letters: “My wife won’t know that I find her beautiful unless I tell her so.” Then look for opportunities to say it. Especially the next time you’re headed out somewhere special. Make sure you notice her, compliment her, and tell her she’s beautiful. Not only will you avoid encountering an unexpected mood change, I think you’ll both find the evening turning out to be much sweeter in a loving and romantic way!

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Find Rest: A Women’s Devotional for Lasting Peace in Busy Life, focuses on a journey to rest even with life’s constant demands.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post Your Wife Needs You to Tell Her She’s Beautiful appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Would You Be Interested in Helping With My Current Research Project?

I’m excited about my newest research project and I’m at a stage where I really REALLY need the help of a few motivated friends to conduct my next few test surveys! For the next 3 weeks (through the end of November), I am looking for 5-10 helpers who are energetic, outgoing, have good-sized networks they can call on, and are good at talking people into things!

Think about the diverse in-person, social media and email groups you’re involved in. Do you have mid-sized or large groups of people from your neighborhood, work, kids’ sports, MOPS, your sorority sisters or fraternity brothers from college, and so on? If you want to work with us, you would reach out to one or more of those groups (we would work with you to discuss which would be the best fit), encourage them to take a digital survey as a favor to you, get a fairly even proportion of men and women, and get at least 60 or 70 people to complete it. (We would coach you through the process, and email you some initial language you can use.)

If you think that sounds like fun, then we need you! We definitely need to test these survey questions before we do the big national survey. We will send you thanks for your help, and “your” survey-takers will be entered to win one of three $50 Amazon gift cards! (That’s one of every 20-25 of your people, so good odds.)

If you’re interested in partnering with us on this, email my content director Caroline Niziol at cniziol@Shaunti.com and we will let you know how to get the word out.

This project will be so important to marriages (see below for more), and this is such a crucial phase.  Thanks for your help!

-Shaunti

Love and Money

The Love and Money research project is investigating why nearly every couple has tension in our marriages about money sometimes.  Although the common belief is that we “fight about money,” what we’re finding is that a lot of people don’t actually fight. But they might avoid conversations or get irritated with each other or have a sense of martyrdom (“Fine, I’ll do without because YOU won’t!”), or twenty other feelings that are getting in the way.  

Yet if we can talk about money, it can bring us so much closer together. Because one of the big findings thus far is (drum roll please) . . . those tensions are not actually about the money. It’s about a whole bunch of other factors under the surface – and which impact our marriages every single day. And we believe that figuring out what’s going on underneath the surface will be a game-changer in marriages!

It’s an exciting project and I can’t wait for you to be a part of it!

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Find Rest: A Women’s Devotional for Lasting Peace in Busy Life, focuses on a journey to rest even with life’s constant demands.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

The post Would You Be Interested in Helping With My Current Research Project? appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

4 Tips to Communicate Well with Guys at Work or School

My first job out of college was working on Capitol Hill, and in one early project I had to coordinate getting information from a lot of decision makers. So to make sure nothing got dropped, I also needed to ask a lot of questions. I worked closely with Ryan, another guy my age. We started off with a fine relationship. But as the project went on, he didn’t seem to like me very much. He became quite short with me and would avoid conversations that weren’t strictly related to the project.

I chalked it up to a personality conflict. Boy, was I wrong.

I’ve now spent 15 years interviewing and surveying more than 10,000 men and teenage guys to find out how they process and hear things that we say in our personal relationships and work lives. If you’re a young woman starting to interact with guys in working settings – whether that is your first professional job, the mock trial team in college, or study groups in high school – knowing a few key tips can make a lot of difference. Here are four:

Tip #1: Recognize that (contrary to what you may have heard) men don’t actually like blunt directness

Months after that project, I came to find out: Ryan thought I was constantly challenging him. I had heard that “men appreciate directness” and had never noticed that, no, actually, men appreciate respectful directness. He was taking all my “direct” information-gathering questions (“What about this? What about that? Why did you do that?”), as challenges to his decision-making.

Even worse, I was often asking those questions in front of other people in the office. He wanted those people to think he was good at his job–and felt I was questioning his judgment in front of them.  And I was clueless that I was coming across as someone no male colleague would want to work with.

Thankfully there are some very easy ways to ask questions and communicate in a way that honors how guys process things – and delivers better results for us as well.

Tip #2: How we phrase questions with guys is really (really) crucial

While guys may look strong and confident on the outside, there’s often a lot of vulnerability on the inside.  Essentially, men (and teenage boys) are always questioning whether they’re any good at what they do – and hoping that no-one finds out that they aren’t as confident as they look. So as you can imagine it is very easy for them to see your questions as calling them out! Since our simple requests for more information could be perceived as a challenge or a “gotcha,” be mindful to phrase things in a way that doesn’t hit that nerve.

Here’s one of the most common examples. When a woman starts a sentence with “Why did you do . . . ?” (e.g. “Why did you do it that way, Brian?”) he might be hearing “Why did you do it that way, you idiot?” I know that might sound crazy, but that was the case for the vast majority of men and boys on my surveys!

In fact, just recently one college freshman told me that a girl in a project group had asked, “Why did you choose that picture for the title slide?”, and he found himself feeling defensive because he had put in a lot of work.  He seemed quite surprised by my suggestion that she could literally have just been curious – not challenging.

So when you need to ask “why,” try always starting with affirmation: “I know you took a lot of time pulling up images for the PowerPoint.” Then ask the question in a way that won’t be seen as challenging their competence: “I’m curious; what were the reasons you settled on that one?” Of course you might in fact disagree with his direction! And in that case, try, “I might have gone in another direction; could you help me understand where you’re coming from?” It’s automatically a more respectful way of approaching it.

Tip #3: Get to the point – men want to hear the conclusion up front

The male brain is generally wired to think things through internally, while the female brain is wired exactly the opposite: we generally think things through by talking it through. In fact, it’s actually quite difficult for a man to fully think things through while you or he are talking. Even more crucial: unless he knows where you’re going, it is difficult for him to fully listen! So state the conclusion up front.

One man told me he employed a lot of teenagers in his ice cream shops, and was a bit frustrated that when female employees called to tell him something, they tended to want to tell the whole story before telling him the conclusion. Which made it extremely uncomfortable to listen! As he put it, “While she’s telling the story of this security problem that just happened, I don’t know if what she’s going to end with is ‘so everything is fine’ or ‘the shop burned down!”

Instead, a guy will much better process your story if you said something like this: “So, we had a problem and we had to call security due to a fight. But it’s all ok. Here’s what happened and the steps I took. Do you want to hear any more?” State the conclusion up front, a few of the details and ask if they want to hear any more. Otherwise it’s difficult for the guys to listen because they don’t know how—or when—it’s going to end.

Tip #4: Show that you know and value the difference between social time and work time

Girls will often ease into a study session or work meeting with a bit of personal conversation. In our minds, it builds better working relationships and gets social questions out of the way so we can concentrate on work.  (“Hey, is everything okay after your fender-bender?”) But guys can get frustrated. When they are in do-things work mode and you appear to be in social mode (even if you aren’t!), annoyance and frustration can simmer under the surface. Even worse, guys have told me that switching back and forth from “work world” to “personal world” can be hard and disconcerting.

More importantly, if it happens too often (or for more than a token minute or two), he will perhaps start thinking that you’re not taking the project seriously. Guys have (privately) told me that they start thinking they may need to keep the big jobs out of your hands. And think about it: you would have the same feeling too, right?  If you’re in turbo get-things-done mode and some guy wants to spend 15 minutes talking about his rock band, you would have the same thought!

The difference is that when guys are in “work mode,” any social chit-chat can be similarly frustrating. So watch for a guy’s cues and take it from there. If he asks, while waiting for the meeting to start, “what did you do this weekend?” then you have an opening to briefly talk social stuff. But otherwise, err on the side of being “all business” when you’re actually working with guys.

Learning how a guy’s brain is wired to process, hear and perceive information is one of the best tools for building great working relationships. If you practice a few of these subtle communication tips early, you’ll be way ahead of the curve as you interact with guys for years to come.

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Find Rest: A Women’s Devotional for Lasting Peace in Busy Life, focuses on a journey to rest even with life’s constant demands.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post 4 Tips to Communicate Well with Guys at Work or School appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Do You Want to Influence Your Teen’s Value Choices? Here’s How

Karen didn’t even need to glance at her daughter’s facial expression—she just heard the vocal equivalent of an eye roll. Her teenager was giving her the usual speech about not wanting to go to youth group at their church … again. Karen knew there was no easy way to require her daughter to attend youth group that evening without encountering a dramatic blow-up followed by the silent treatment. Now that the teenage parenting years were upon them, Karen and her husband were troubled by the way their daughter was pushing back against their authority and pulling away from some of the activities and priorities they had in place to protect their family’s faith and values.   

As you observe your own teens, you might have noticed a similar trend in their behavior: they’re starting to push away, not just from you and your spouse, but also from some of the beliefs you hold dear. It can be heart-wrenching to see this happen, as you fear your teens will reject the values that you’ve tried to instill in them since they were children.

This is definitely a sensitive subject, and it touches on that very strong need in teens for freedom while at the same time creating a sense of fear in parents. We want our teens to adopt the same belief system and worldview as we have, but in all honesty it is impossible to force this on them.

So what’s the best approach? I have a few suggestions:

Resist the urge to push.

The most important piece of advice to parents of teens is: resist the urge to push. Remember, your child has to dismantle your “components” before they know whether or not they want to keep them. So the harder you push your identity, beliefs, and opinions on them, the more urgently they will feel compelled to distance themselves from those specific things in order to become their own person. After discussing it privately, Karen and her husband decided not to require that their daughter attend youth group that night. While they wanted to ensure that in the long run she didn’t give it up completely, on that evening they felt it was important to respect her decision and her commitment to academic excellence.

Live by example—your teen is watching.

While not pushing your beliefs and opinions on your teen is something to avoid, living by example is something to pursue. Your kid would probably never be so uncool as to say so, but they’re watching your actions closely. And at least some of the stories and life experiences they share with you (“This guy fudged on his time card…”) will provide opportunities for positive social reference if you’re on the alert. While their daughter stayed home and studied, Karen and her husband went to their church activities that evening as usual. They knew she was observing their faithfulness and commitment, whether she said anything about it or not.

Be generous with encouragement and affection.

As you get to know the person your child is becoming, you may sense their hunger for appreciation. We can’t help noticing our teen’s negative behaviors, but they still need our encouragement and affection—even though we sometimes feel that giving it is a like hugging a porcupine! Karen and her husband praised their daughter’s desire to do well in school and pointed out how her studying was paying off in good grades that semester. Those encouraging words gained them a listening ear and gave them the opportunity to share why they felt youth group and their other church activities were so important.

Showing patient love, providing an example to follow rather than pushing our own views, and encouraging our teens consistently can have a powerful, positive effect on the choices they make and the values they choose—for life.

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Find Rest: A Women’s Devotional for Lasting Peace in Busy Life, focuses on a journey to rest even with life’s constant demands.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post Do You Want to Influence Your Teen’s Value Choices? Here’s How appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Male-Bashing: It’s All In Good Fun. Right?

Our staff meets weekly at a local cafe. I love the breakfast food, the kind servers, and the familiarity of our home office away from home. Recently, though, I saw this new sign posted near the back wall to help customers find the bathrooms … and my heart sank.

It seemed funny, at first. Then the impact sunk in.

Seeing the sign reminded me of a time I was heading to the airport to speak on a Christian women’s cruise. (Hardship duty, I know.) On the radio, a woman on a bank commercial was saying something like, “Girl, I don’t have time to worry about my banking. I mean, I have two kids — well, three if you count my husband!”

Having spent so many years on the research for For Women Only, and having seen the surprisingly sensitive hearts that beat inside the men and boys in our lives, it made me mad. Why is it okay to bash men?

When I boarded the cruise and first spoke at a workshop for about 500 women, I mentioned that radio ad. It was fresh on my mind, and a concrete example of how our culture so easily disrespects men, and how painful it is to our men. That night, I gave a different talk to the entire boat of about 1500 women. As I left the stage, the singer for the evening walked on. The first words out of her mouth? “I’m so happy to be with you all! My name is so-and-so, I’m from such-and-such city, and I’ve got three kids — four if you count my husband.”

You could hear a third of the crowd gasp, as the oxygen was sucked out of the room. Right in front of us, we witnessed how easily — without thinking about it — we can make “jokes” that are actually cruel and male-bashing. Even in the church. Even from a wonderful, godly leader.

How should we respond to these remarks? What is the impact on the men in our lives? Keep reading for more.

These comments hurt husbands and sons

We often miss these statements. But men hear (or see) these sentiments of inadequacy and idiocy multiple times a week. And they either make their skin crawl or make them feel beaten down constantly.

And ladies — it’s not just impacting our husbands. Think about what our sons are absorbing about themselves. We want a society of strong, capable men — but we raise boys who are told over and over again that they are worthy of ridicule. It is absolutely damaging and dangerous. For men, whose self-doubt is a deep and hidden characteristic, what we think of as throwaway comments can truly cause anguish. Our sons absorb these messages too, both spoken and unspoken.

There’s a better way.

A little kindness goes a long way

In our society, kindness needs all the help it can get. One simple act can make a difference: when you see unintentional disrespect in a joke or comment, call it out. Speak up when you see male bashing. And boost the signal when you see examples of men being praised and respected in the right way. For example, this recent Amazon commercial warmed my heart. Share commercials and videos that use comedy to honor men, not tear them down.

Let’s be honest: it is probably easier to be destructive than constructive. But making the real effort — and recognizing the work of others — can help reverse the tide of unintentional disrespect toward men.  And make us far more appreciative of our men and boys at the same time.

(If you are feeling a bit convicted about how you’ve been speaking to your husband or son (or about what others have been hearing you say), I strongly suggest you do the 30-Day Kindness Challenge. It is, statistically, one of the best methods we’ve ever seen for stopping bad verbal habits and building great ones.)

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Find Rest: A Women’s Devotional for Lasting Peace in Busy Life, focuses on a journey to rest even with life’s constant demands.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post Male-Bashing: It’s All In Good Fun. Right? appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

How Your Husband Feels When You’re Too Tired For Sex

As Leslie settled into bed, more than ready for a good night’s sleep, Todd walked into the bedroom and gave her “the look” she knew so well—the sly grin and twinkle in his eye that meant he had romance on his mind. Leslie tried not to let a sigh slip out. After running afternoon carpool, juggling karate and ballet lessons, making dinner, helping with homework, and returning work emails, she was so exhausted that she had zero interest in sex. She just wanted to go to sleep without Todd trying to start something. But she knew from experience that he would get upset if she told him to please leave her alone. It’s nothing personal! she thought, I’m just… so… tired.

As a perpetually exhausted wife and mother, you might feel the same way some nights—or even most nights. For the sake of Leslie’s marriage—and yours—I want to provide some perspective that our tired female brains sometimes completely miss.

It might seem that putting dear hubby off for another night isn’t that big of a deal. As Leslie puts it, it isn’t personal. In other words… we women tend to think that, for him, sex is primarily a physical need. In the same way that sleep is a physical need! Right? Well, actually, for him…. no. It’s much more than that.

Sex is a powerful emotional need for men.

I was shocked in my research with thousands of men that sex is actually primarily a powerful emotional need for men. It meets a very deep need in a man to feel that his wife desires him—a need that hits at the core of who he is, and is thus far more central to his sense of emotional well-being (and thus the marriage relationship!) than most women realize. (Ladies, if you have the higher drive in your marriage, check out our special article series “When She Has the Stronger Sex Drive.”)

Being intimate with your husband tells him he’s desirable, which, believe it or not, gives him that oh-so-necessary sense of confidence and well-being in all the other areas of life. One husband I interviewed explained, “What happens in the bedroom really does affect how I feel the next day at the office.”

Being physically intimate is as important to your man as being emotionally intimate is to you.

And it works the other way, too. Your (spoken or implied) “please leave me alone” probably makes your husband feel like “you are so undesirable you can’t even compete with my pillow.” Looking at it from his standpoint, that is a depressing message. Do you see how responding—or not responding—tells your husband something emotionally important in a way you might never have realized?

The men often used this analogy: a lack of being physically intimate is as emotionally serious to a man as a lack of togetherness or communication would be to you. It would be similar to how lonely and abandoned you would feel if he suddenly started giving you the silent treatment and stopped communicating.

Find ways to engage sexually that meet your needs and your husband’s needs.

Now, all that said: we all realize that sometimes it’s just difficult to get in the mood for intimacy. Sometimes it’s difficult to even think about enjoying it when we’re tired, stressed, dealing with the kids, worried about work, and so on. So I’m sure you don’t intend to send a rejection message to your man. But he doesn’t know that. He simply feels rejected. And because feeling desired is so tied in to how he feels about himself, it is personal.

So for the sake of not only him but your relationship, it’s probably worth it to find ways to address this. Help him understand you and how you need anticipation time to get in the mood (take a look at my column about that). Or tell him it would help if he’d handle the kids’ transportation for the day—and then show him later that you mean it! Talk to him about what would make this more feasible for you.

Don’t worry—this doesn’t have to mean sex every day! Every couple has their own pattern. But if you’ve gone weeks without being together, be aware that your husband—the person you love most in the world—probably isn’t feeling truly loved and affirmed by you. Thankfully, when you find ways to get engaged in this way, I think you’ll truly enjoy watching the difference it makes; not only in his demeanor but the whole relationship.

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Find Rest: A Women’s Devotional for Lasting Peace in Busy Life, focuses on a journey to rest even with life’s constant demands.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post How Your Husband Feels When You’re Too Tired For Sex appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Want to Offer Your Husband Business Advice? Proceed With Caution

Wives, how much input do you think you should have in your husband’s work endeavors?

I recently heard from a woman whose husband runs his own construction business, and even though he’s in charge she says it really does feel like “their” business in most ways. She used to be in the industry, so she knows the market. And she’s been very supportive of him dipping into their personal finances to personally pay the staff when things have been tight. He knows she’s on his team, and that she really believes in him and trusts his ability to grow a great business. But the last few years, cash flow has been really tight and every time she makes a suggestion for a new market to try or bring up a caution why one of his ideas might not work, he’s been getting more and more defensive. It’s affecting their marriage, and she really resents that. She recognizes that he feels like she’s criticizing him, but she thinks she should have the right to say and do whatever she needs to, for what is essentially their family business.

Do you get similar push-back when you try to offer what you see as valid and helpful input into your husband’s professional decisions and activities?

To wives in this situation, I say: Yes, you should be able to say whatever you want and need to say to your husband. Absolutely! Just as if you happened to be an equal partner in a purely business relationship, you should be able to raise issues, make suggestions, and shoot down ideas with 100 percent impunity. But in Dr. Phil’s immortal words, “How’s that workin’ for ya?”

For most women, it doesn’t work very well. Here’s why.

Marriage is not a business relationship.

The problem is, you’re not in a purely business relationship. You’re the man’s wife. Now, contrary to popular opinion, perhaps, men don’t want to keep the “little woman” sidelined at home. If a wife is a smart, capable woman, most men want her involvement, ideas, help, and so on. The problem is, that is a secondary desire. In my research it was clear that what a man most needs from his wife, at all times, in all seasons, no matter what else is going on, is something quite different: he needs a cheerleader. A completely solid support. Someone who believes in him when he doesn’t believe in himself, and says “I know you can do it!”

In tough times—and even in good times—men struggle with self-doubt and feeling like a failure.

Can you see how his deepest need could be in conflict with his desire to have your involvement? When work is going well, this isn’t an issue. You can chip in, raise warnings, and it’s fine. But sometimes he gets defensive and feels like you’re criticizing him. Why? The difference is that in tough times he’s struggling with feeling like a professional failure. Every man already feels like an imposter, and wrestles with great self-doubt in a far deeper way than we as women realize. But as long as work is going along fine, when he asks himself “Do I measure up?” he can look at the markers of success and reassure himself.

Your husband needs to know that you believe in him.

But where does he look when his work isn’t going fine? He looks squarely to you. Most of all, he wants and needs to see that you believe in him. And he’s going to be far more sensitive to your words and actions that seem to imply that maybe you don’t believe in him, or don’t think he can do it. I know it can seem crazy to us, but when he is vulnerable like this, he hears “Maybe you shouldn’t pursue that client” as “You stupid idiot, you should know better.” He may know that you would never really think that disrespectfully about him, but it truly does feel that way. So what do you do?

Provide input carefully, with assurance that you trust him fully.

You have to make a choice. And I’ll warn you up front: it might not seem “fair” to you. But you have to choose what’s more important: ensuring that your husband knows you’re unswervingly behind him and believe in him, so he knows you care about him? Or exercising your right to speak into his professional life?

This isn’t to say that Choice #1 means you can’t have any input. But be prepared to do it in a very, very judicious way, with explicit affirmations that you believe in him at the same time. If you do that, you’re ultimately giving him what every man most needs: the absolute and accurate knowledge that when it comes right down to it, you do trust him in the way you say you do. And that’s a good plan for success as partners in life, for life.

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Find Rest: A Women’s Devotional for Lasting Peace in Busy Life, focuses on a journey to rest even with life’s constant demands.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

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New Study Shows Big Drop in Divorce

Headlines about Millennials divorcing less splashed across the news outlets this past week. Phillip Cohen from University of Maryland recently published a study focusing on the noteworthy decline of divorce in the last decade. Shaunti and I were thrilled to read about this study and glad it has garnered so much media attention. Both of us have been keeping our eyes open for new research since collaborating together on The Good News About Marriage in 2014. This study indicates a big drop in the divorce rate and supports research we included in the book.

Cohen used the relatively newer American Community Survey (ACS) to study the divorce rate. This in itself is significant because the ACS is only ten-years old, so Shaunti and I were limited in what we could extrapolate from it four years ago. Cohen was able to investigate data from a full decade of surveys and discovered numerous results. Three findings in particular stand out to affirm this positive trend in marriage.

First Positive Trend: Divorce Rate Takes a Nosedive

Cohen found that the divorce rate fell eighteen percent, between 2008 and 2016. That is huge for such a short time frame. When he adjusted for age changes and other factors, the decrease fell slightly, but divorce still decreased by eight percent. Even more, Cohen highlighted in the study that the “overall drop has been driven entirely by younger women.” If divorce is declining in younger women, then most Millennials are actually getting and staying married, unlike what we see on reality television and social media.

Second Positive Trend: Divorce Decline Not Linked to Marriage Rates

The decline Cohen found is not associated or caused by a drop in the marriage rate. There seems to be a constant thread of feedback online whenever a study like this comes along; the divorce rate drop is only due to less people marrying today. In this study, Cohen analyzed married women, then women who divorced in the previous year. By doing this, he could specifically look at the divorce rate for married women in the last decade. In fact, marriages today stand a better chance of making it than even a decade ago. As Shaunti and I pointed out in our book, research shows by age 46, ninety percent of women will walk down the aisle. For all the online discussion and attention on cohabitation and lower marriage rates, many couples still eventually marry.

Third Positive Trend: Specific Factors Lower Odds of Divorce

Cohen identified specific factors about the women marrying in the last decade that complement our findings as well. Women are getting married at an older age, they tend to be well-educated and they are less likely to have their own children before saying I do. All these factors lower the chance and risk of divorce. The percentage drop that Cohen found implies that these factors greatly increase the success of marriage, maybe even more than people realize.

Cohen does suggest that marriage is becoming uncommon with women who tend to be less educated and financially insecure. This is one demographic that avoids tying the knot and as Cohen points out, suffers a “social inequality” for passing up marriage.

Overall, the study shows that the many women in our younger generations still value marriage and are not entering it lightly. Marriage is becoming more stable and women are becoming more selective. Best of all, Cohen identified trends that suggest the divorce rate will drop even more. Now that is definitely good news about marriage!

Tally Whitehead, M.A. P.T. is Shaunti’s Senior Researcher and contributing author for The Good News About Marriage. She is also a freelance writer, spiritual director and on staff at her church. She resides in the Columbus, Ohio area with her husband and four kids. You can follow Tally on Twitter @tallywhitehead or check out her website at www.tallywhitehead.com 

This article was first published at Patheos.

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How Do Husbands Rate Their Marriage? The Survey Says….

Husbands, how would you rate your marriage? The Iron Sharpens Iron ministry for men recently conducted a single-question survey of 1,500 married men who attended their events. And that was their question: How would you rate the state of your marriage in 2018? The answer options were: “struggling,” “fine,” “good,” and “godly.”

Conventional wisdom—based on some inaccurate but commonly quoted statistics that are demystified in my book The Good News About Marriage—would assume that the majority of marriages are on the rocks: struggling, unhappy, perhaps not even likely to make it. But (spoiler alert!) the results of this survey were quite the opposite.

Let’s look at the survey results, some common misconceptions about marital happiness, and our own research—so you can find out how to use the findings to strengthen your marriage.

 

A majority of the men surveyed gave their marriage strong ratings.

In responding to the survey, roughly 80% of Iron Sharpens Iron men rated their marriage either “godly” (presumably the highest level) or “good,” and 20% said their marriage was “fine” or “struggling.” Although one in five couples clearly need additional help and hope, the overall results are not only encouraging: they generally match the findings of our research and that of many other social scientists!

Two popular misconceptions create an inaccurate view of marriage.

It is a popular misconception that most marriages are just hanging on. The reality is that most people enjoy being married! In our survey for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, which compared both husband and wife answers, 71% of couples had good-to-great marriages, and 29% had so-so or struggling marriages.

Another popular misconception is that “the rate of divorce (and unhappy marriages) is the same in the church,” but that is the furthest thing from the truth. Most people who attend church regularly have significantly lower rates of marriage problems—and far higher rates of truly happy marriages! (This could account for why the Iron Sharpens Iron—a Christian ministry—satisfaction numbers were higher than in our survey of the general population.)

Men: how would your wife answer the survey question? Ask her!

Although those positive findings are quite encouraging, the Iron Sharpens Iron men—and you—might want to dig deeper by asking a key question: what would the numbers be if your wives had also taken this one-question survey? We found a mismatch in about 10% of couples, where a husband rated a marriage good or great and the wife rated it so-so or struggling. If a husband is willing to use this question as a gentle conversation starter, it can be a great opportunity for him to hear his wife’s heart. 

Listen and engage, to encourage your wife and draw you closer.

The key for any godly man is to learn how to listen and engage with any concerns, hopes, or requests raised by his wife, without seeing them as personal criticism. Most women, when they want to talk about the relationship, are not saying “you’ve failed”—although we know it sounds like that to you! Instead, they’re saying, “This is an opportunity for us to get closer, and here’s what would help.” For all marriages—especially those that truly need more encouragement and support—showing a desire to get closer is a great first step for any husband who wants to lead his marriage well.   

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Find Rest: A Women’s Devotional for Lasting Peace in Busy Life, focuses on a journey to rest even with life’s constant demands.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post How Do Husbands Rate Their Marriage? The Survey Says…. appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.