Shaunti Feldhahn's Blog, page 42
June 21, 2018
Finding Rest On A Wild Ride
The past five months have been one crazy ride. Think “Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride” with some spinning teacups and a “Tilt-A-Whirl” thrown in the mix. I’ve traveled extensively for speaking engagements, launched a new devotional for women (Find Rest), launched a curriculum about relationships and money (Men, Women & Money), traveled the country for research for our next book (also about relationships and money), battled sickness that knocked me down hard (well, actually, my staff sent me straight to bed with no excuses), walked our daughter through her college-acceptance-and-high-school graduation season (how is that possible?!) and experienced the difficult journey with my family as my dad suffered a massive stroke. It has been absolutely insane. Yet in this crazy season, I have seen the miraculous evidence of God’s hand sustaining us every step of the way.
But that doesn’t mean I don’t occasionally feel weary and tired and long for the rest my Heavenly Father so willingly offers when I just come to Him. Oh, how I long for that! I know many of you feel the same. And many of you have been asking for updates on this season. So I wanted to share a few!
Surrounded By God’s Creation
Right now I am experiencing the best antidote for stress and worry: time with my family, staring in awe at God’s creation in the Colorado Rockies—a place so beautiful it looks like stage scenery. Jeff and I are speaking to a group of wonderful people and their families at a convention, but it is also allowing us to unwind, connect with each other and, you guessed it, to find rest. And with very little cell service (alternating between one bar and no service at all depending on where you’re standing and whether the wind blows!) it’s becoming easier and easier to take those deep soul breaths and slow down.
It also is becoming easier and easier to look at the majesty of these mountains and remind myself that the God who created all this with a word of His power, has our lives firmly in His hand.
Update On My Father
Many of you have asked about my father. I wish I could share more promising news but the truth of the matter is that things are challenging and we are simply trusting that God is in control.
Thankfully, Dad is generally medically stable. But although we had hoped that he would make greater strides in recovery through rehab, the damage to his short-term memory from his recent stroke is simply not allowing that to happen. He was in regular hospitals and acute rehab hospitals for 2 ½ months, then in a sub-acute rehab facility. And he will shortly be moved back home with Mom, at which point he will need 24/7 full-time care from a caregiver. We are praying for God’s provision of the right person/team of people to help.
And we are currently still planning to build a large addition onto our house that will allow for enough room for my parents and a caregiver to move in with us. We are trusting God to fill in the gaps and to show us the next right step in His timing.
Thank You
For now, I’m taking the time to thank God for this opportunity to slow down and reflect. And thank Him for the opportunity to do what I am called to do—teaching others about what I have learned through these many years of social research. I am also extremely grateful for each of you and your continued prayers for my father’s healing, for wisdom on how to proceed in doing the next right thing and for being my faithful companions on this wild, crazy journey called life.
Please take a moment to post a picture of your own “Find Rest” moment on social media using #findrest or on my Facebook page.
Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!
Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).
Her latest book, Find Rest: A Women’s Devotional for Lasting Peace in Busy Life, focuses on a journey to rest even with life’s constant demands.
Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
This article was first published at Patheos.
The post Finding Rest On A Wild Ride appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.
June 18, 2018
Men, This Father’s Day Airport Scene Explains Why YOU Are Amazing
Yesterday, Jeff and I and our two kids were hustling to catch a flight to Colorado, when we all just…stopped. In the area where people routinely wait for incoming travelers, were a mom and three kids. But their large, red-and-black, lovingly-made poster-board signs were anything but routine.
“HAS ANYONE SEEN OUR INCREDIBLE DAD?” asked one.
“DAD, YOU’RE MR. INCREDIBLE!” spelled out the other two… along with a series of statements about what made this father such a superhero to his kids and his wife. And men, these statements are a profound road map to WHY the woman and children in YOUR life think you’re a superhero too:
“He cooks!”
“He cleans!”
“He delivers!” (Take-out dinner…)
“Church: He’s There!”
“Dr. Visits: He’s There!”
“School Lunch: He’s There!”
“Field Trips: He’s There!”
“Graduations: He’s There!”
“Kid’s Games: He’s There!”
“Family Reunions: He’s There!”
“Birthdays: He’s There!”
“Holidays: He’s There!”
“Family Vacations: He’s There!”
Each of these was accompanied by a picture showing their dad –a tall, strong-looking, guy – actually engaged in that activity. The pictures were not taken at the same time, so the “Graduations,” “Field Trips,” “School Lunches” and “Doctor’s Visits” were clearly spread out over several years. But it didn’t matter. What his kids remembered was this: Their dad was there.
This man showed his kids that he cared enough to take time off work and be in their lives. He showed his wife (holding her own sign with a picture of her husband as Mr. Incredible) that he valued being present with her physically and emotionally – not just providing for her financially.
Fathers, I know you feel a deep burden to provide for the family. Today, we honor you for that. We say thank you for the long, exhausting hours you put into work – and even the long, exhausting hours you put into worrying that you’re not providing enough. But in your calling and identity to provide, I know you often feel caught between a rock and a hard place. Your family wants you around more. So now you feel the DOUBLE burden of “how am I going to provide for the family” and “how am I going to spend time with the family at the same time?”
Be encouraged as you look at these pictures: for the woman and children in your life, there is no expectation of a double burden. “He was there” declares our true priority.
We truly do value your presence more than the presents you bring us.
We truly do value your comfort when a disappointed child walks off the football field, more than the comfort of an extra-nice car or a larger house.
We truly do value the security that comes of knowing that you are THERE for us, more than the security that comes of knowing there is extra money in the bank. If we know you are there, we can handle anything financially.
Our nationally-representative surveys for For Men Only revealed that 70% of married women would trade off the stuff, if that was what it took to get more of you.
In other words, men, all those little things you’re already doing that you thought didn’t matter as much as your paycheck – showing up at the kids’ games, taking your son to the doctor or your daughter to the father-daughter dance, putting your arm around your wife in church as you settle in for the service – all of that is what shouts that you are already MR. INCREDIBLE.
Believe it. Because that is truly how we feel.
Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!
Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).
Her latest book, Find Rest: A Women’s Devotional for Lasting Peace in Busy Life, focuses on a journey to rest even with life’s constant demands.
Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
This article was first published at Patheos.
The post Men, This Father’s Day Airport Scene Explains Why YOU Are Amazing appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.
June 15, 2018
Bashing Dads Needs To Stop And Here’s Why
A friend showed me this e-card and it made me steaming mad. For those who can’t see the image, it is a picture of an exhausted woman, with her hand over her eyes, and the caption, “You know that feeling of being able to sit down when you’re exhausted? Yeah, me either. I’m not a dad.”
Now I like quirky e-cards and memes as much as the next person. I find most gender humor quite hilarious. But something so overtly mean to one gender cannot be funny. After all, how would we women like it if the e-card said, “You know that feeling of being able to sit down when you’ve been mowing the lawn and trimming hedges in the summer heat all afternoon? Yeah, me either. I’m not a wife.” There would be a well-deserved uproar! Women would be calling for the head of whoever wrote it. And whoever was crass enough to share it—and laugh about it—on social media.
Yes of course, there are men who do no chores, who watch their wives struggling to do everything without bothering to help. There are men who, if their wife says “Honey, can you give the kids their bath?” or “Could you run and get milk from the store?” will look exasperated and elect to keep going with their very important gaming or internet activities. There are men who are lazy, or gaming addicts, or just don’t care that much.
But those men are rare.
What Are The Majority Of Men Like?
In our surveys, it is very clear that the vast majority of men think about protecting and providing for their families a lot. They work hard to bring home a paycheck, to mow the lawn, to do the dishes, to do whatever they can to serve their families. Just like we women do. For most men, the question, “What can I do to make my wife happy? What can I do to take care of my family?” is at the forefront of their minds. They may not do it exactly the way their wives want . . . they may doubt their abilities as a father . . . they may take what we think is “too much” downtime after work when dinner needs to get done . . . they may have different definitions of what is necessary to do. But none of that changes the fact that they want to do whatever they need to do to care for their families.
Survey of “Real Dads”
In fact the Dove brand—that champion of “realness” in women—did a 2014 survey of real dads out of curiosity. They found that how fathers are portrayed in the media is not at all reflective of how they view themselves. In fact, of all dads (which presumably includes those without kids at home!) 74% say they are actively caring for their kids’ emotional well-being and 51% are taking direct responsibility for their kids’ daily needs.
Let’s Fight The Cultural Trend
Now imagine how those men see that e-card. Is there any better way to demoralize your husband (or the little future husband that you are raising for some future wife!) than to find that funny? Let’s fight that cultural trend. Let’s actively celebrate our men in their role as dads, even if we wish they would do more chores, or do them differently, or whatever. Let’s encourage our men by seeing the best in them instead of telling them we expect them to fail.
One great example of encouragement is the Dove “Real Dads” video. It made me cry. And statistically, it is a much more realistic reflection of how much dads do and how much they care. So happy Father’s Day to all you great dads out there! We celebrate you!
Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!
Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).
Her latest book, Find Rest: A Women’s Devotional for Lasting Peace in Busy Life, focuses on a journey to rest even with life’s constant demands.
Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
This article was first published at Patheos.
The post Bashing Dads Needs To Stop And Here’s Why appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.
June 11, 2018
Unhealthy Husband = Unhappy Wife: How to Change the Equation
Angie Hite walked away from their marriage when Eric ballooned to 563 lbs. You might be thinking that it’s cruel to leave someone over their weight. But it wasn’t about the weight for her. You see, Angie was once a widow and she couldn’t bear the thought of losing another husband . . . at least not to something preventable. Eric had struggled to find work, which sank him into a depression, which contributed to his severe obesity, putting him in line for all sorts of health problems.
Eric decided he didn’t want to lose his wife to something preventable either. Inspired by the Proclaimers’ 1988 hit song “500 Miles,” Eric started biking, and not just around the block. He was heartbroken but determined; he started a cross-country trek to both lose weight and prove to his wife that he would do literally anything to win her back. “I wanted to prove to her that I can take my health back and be able to grow old with her. I wanted to build a new future for us,” Eric told USA Today. And thankfully . . . IT WORKED! Not only did Angie come back to him, she went into training to join him on the road. He officially started in Cape Cod, with the goal of dipping his feet in the Pacific Ocean with Angie at his side.
Maybe you’re in a similar situation—not in the best physical shape because you haven’t been taking care of yourself and now it’s catching up with you. Is your wife showing signs of frustration? Here are a few things to remember when your wife is frustrated by your unhealthy habits:
Men Want Their Wives To Take Care of Themselves
Why did this matter to Eric’s wife—and perhaps yours? Well, here’s a parallel you might appreciate. In my research for For Women Only, I found that it was emotionally important to men that their wives take care of themselves. That didn’t mean they wanted their wives to suddenly look like a Victoria’s Secret model, but just to do things like sometimes changing out of the ratty sweatpants or staying in enough physical shape to go out and do things together. The men said they simply felt cared for when they saw their wives making those efforts to take care of themselves.
Wives Also Want Their Husbands To Take Care Of Themselves
Well, guess what—it works the same way for most women. And just like men don’t expect a bikini model, we women don’t expect a carbon copy of Brad Pitt. But we do want our guy to make an effort to take care of himself, and I think the story of Eric and Angie Hite is the perfect example of why it means so much. Here’s a fairly young woman who has already gone through the pain of losing a spouse. Now she’s married to her second husband, who promised to love her and care for her, and, if it’s God’s will, to grow old with her. When Eric let himself go, it sent the clear message to Angie that he didn’t care if any of that happened. It probably wasn’t intentional, but can you see why Angie interpreted it that way?
Realize Your Wife Might Fear Losing You
If your wife is showing signs of frustration, it’s probably because she’s afraid of losing you. So don’t let it go as far as Eric Hite did. If you need to take better care of yourself, take a deep breath and force yourself to take one step at a time. Ask your wife for one or two little things you could do that would make a big difference to her. Maybe it’s changing your eating habits for better nutrition and maintaining a healthy weight. Maybe it’s being willing to take a walk each night after dinner. Maybe it means you go to the doctor for your annual physical… and then follow his recommendations.
Respond To Your Wife’s Care And Concern By Taking The First Step
You certainly don’t need to accomplish something as big and overwhelming as biking across the country like Eric Hite did… but you do need to start. Remember, Angie didn’t take her husband back because he made it all the way to California. She took him back because he got up and started moving. You might be surprised at the distance you cover in your relationship just by taking that first step!
Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!
Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).
Her latest book, Find Rest: A Women’s Devotional for Lasting Peace in Busy Life, focuses on a journey to rest even with life’s constant demands.
Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
This article was first published at Patheos.
The post Unhealthy Husband = Unhappy Wife: How to Change the Equation appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.
June 7, 2018
Keeping Your Husband Happy With the Next-Day Rule
Ladies, imagine that as part of your dream job or volunteer work, you are offered a project that is really exciting, and could also earn you a very welcome financial bonus. You step up to do it. Eager to please your boss, you spend long weeks binge-drinking caramel macchiatos, getting little sleep, and pouring your soul into the work.
Finally, it’s presentation day. You work through the slides and answer the questions like a seasoned pro, and you know you’re nailing it. You’re proud of yourself. As you wrap up, your boss stands up, shakes your hand, and says, “Thanks for that presentation. But it would have been better if you’d done it this way…”
It’s a punch in the gut, right?
Now, imagine that your boss sees your face fall and says, “What’s your problem? I said ‘Thank you!’”
You might be thinking, “Yeah, right. That did not feel like appreciation. In fact, that was the no-thank-you-thank-you.”
What does this have to do with personal relationships? Let’s rewind a few days and think back to the last moment that you felt like your husband (or perhaps your son) didn’t do something the way it should be done.
Perhaps your husband cleared the table and loaded the dishwasher – but not the way you’d do it. Maybe there were plates facing all different directions, plastic containers on the bottom shelf, and even a cast iron skillet shoved in somewhere. (Can you say r-u-s-t?) But here’s the thing: In your man’s mind, he had stepped up to do something. He was trying to please you. As I’ve covered elsewhere, men have more emotional vulnerability than you would ever realize, about whether they measure up in what they try to do for their wives. So your man might even have been waiting for a big smile; something to tell him that you appreciated him. Instead, he hears you chuckle and say, “Oh my gosh, look at these dishes all over the place!” as you undo his work and redo it the “right” way.
How does he feel? You guessed it. It’s that punch in the gut. It’s the “no-thank-you-thank-you,” in action.
You may think this seem minor compared to a boss’s lack of appreciation of a long project. But I found in my research with men for For Women Only that the “dishwasher”-type examples are in some ways far more serious for us as wives. Why? Because they happen all the time, cause unseen, daily pain to someone we love — and we often don’t even recognize it.
The natural follow-up (and often indignant) question that we ask is: “Well, what are we supposed to do if our man has done something wrong? I mean, the dishes have to get cleaned! Are we just supposed to smile vapidly, coo “Great job, honey,” stroke his ego, and forget about what is important to us?”
No, of course not. But if we want a happy husband (and a happy marriage) we have to learn how to address things in a way that doesn’t cause that regular, unseen, punch-in-the-gut feeling to our man.
Based on my research with thousands of men, there are two clear steps you can use to determine whether or not you should speak up, and how. The men often described this as “The Next Day Rule.”
Next-Day Rule Step 1 – Determine if the issue will be important the next day
In the grand scheme of things, will this situation matter tomorrow? Decide whether this situation, if left unaddressed, will create some sort of longer-term negative impact. If so, then it might be worth hurting your husband’s feelings, to address it. If not, then it probably isn’t.
Ask yourself: does it really matter that your husband loads the dishwasher differently than you? Will the dishes still get cleaned? Maybe you do need to rescue that cast-iron skillet (more on that in a moment), but otherwise let him have his triumph when he’s done the dishes and is feeling pleased with himself. Because regularly correcting him will trigger his secret feeling that he doesn’t measure up. And since that is his most painful feeling, he may just shut down and stop trying. (See this article for more information on that pattern.)
And really, is your way always “right” and his way “wrong?” Or is it just different? It’s not worth risking your relationship with your husband over something that’s really just a matter of opinion.
So instead, simply say “thanks for doing the dishes, honey,” with no qualifications. That will light him up.
But suppose it is a more important issue? Suppose you’ve noticed that when your husband takes your middle-school son to football practice, that he berates him a lot for how your son handles things. Now, the kid probably deserves some discipline, but you feel your husband is consistently too rough on him. And since you believe it could hurt their relationship, this one is definitely worth addressing.
Which leads us to Step #2….
Next Day Rule Step 2 – If it needs to be addressed, if at all possible, address it the next day.
If something needs to be addressed, it will often be received much better if you address it the next day. Imagine the difference if your boss had simply applauded your big presentation, said “Thanks for that presentation. I can tell you poured a lot of work into that, and I really appreciate it.” Then the next day, your boss came back to you and said, “Thanks again for your presentation. I’ve been thinking about a few of the points you covered, and we’re probably still missing a few things, so I’d like you to change it in this way….”
You might still be a bit a bit bummed (‘You mean it wasn’t perfect? I worked so hard on it!’) but you would definitely still feel that what you did was noticed and appreciated.
It works the same way with your man. Waiting until the next day to correct something, if possible, will help you convey “It was noticed and appreciated (even if it wasn’t perfect),” rather than “It was noticed and you failed.”
For example, when you see that cast-iron pan in the dishwasher, just pull it out without comment. Then the next day, you might say, “Hey, thanks again for doing the dishes after dinner. Just FYI, I learned a while back that a dishwasher will rust a cast iron pan. I figured you would want to know.”
Or when you’ve heard your husband getting on your son’s case, if possible, wait until the next day and kindly say, “Honey, do you mind if I raise something? I was watching Billy’s face when you were talking to him about his attitude at football, and ….”
Bottom line, the Next Day Rule might sound old-fashioned, but it honors not just what you need, but how he is wired. By waiting overnight, and then addressing things in a kind-hearted and respectful way, you can allow your husband to keep his dignity while gently nudging him to change a behavior.
Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!
Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).
Her latest book, Find Rest: A Women’s Devotional for Lasting Peace in Busy Life, focuses on a journey to rest even with life’s constant demands.
Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
This early was first published at Patheos.
The post Keeping Your Husband Happy With the Next-Day Rule appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.
June 5, 2018
3 Things NOT To Say When Your Wife Is Worried
Men, have you ever found yourself wanting to roll your eyes and mutter under your breath when your wife shares yet another worry that is keeping her up at night? Maybe it seems like she’s always stressing out about something and you just don’t know how to respond because you don’t feel the same way. Well, in my years of research I’ve discovered there are some things men and women just don’t experience the same way and guess what? Worry is one of them!
Here are 3 things NOT to say to your wife when she shares her worries with you (and a few ways to rephrase it to make her feel better!):
#1: “Just Don’t Think About It.”
Women have no idea what that means! If she’s worried that her best friend suddenly isn’t talking to her, she has no way to not think about it. As men, you have this amazing ability to close out an unwelcome thought—almost like closing out a window on your computer desktop. But as we discovered in our For Men Only research, nearly nine in ten women can’t just ignore something that is bothering them. Instead, they need to take some action to resolve it. So if you say something like, “Would you feel better if you called her?” or “Would it help to call your other friend and ask if she knows what is going on?” she will feel that you care.
#2: “You Can’t Be Serious.”
You may not actually roll your eyes (“Really? You want to call the doctor. Her temperature is only 99.5!”) but she can tell that you want to. And as a woman, it’s really awful to be worried about something (like your child being sick) and then being made to feel stupid for being worried about something. As noted above, if we women have an open window, we can’t just ignore it. We can agree to not take action (“Okay, fine, I’ll wait until the morning to take her to the doctor”) but it is highly likely we’ll still be thinking about it. All night. And now we’re also worried/angry/hurt that our husband thinks we’re stupid for our concern. Bottom line: acknowledge that your wife has a reason for her concern, just like you have a reason for not worrying (or a reason for not taking action), and work it out respectfully like any other difference of opinion. (“I know it’s hard to wait, but since her temperature isn’t high, would you be willing to wait until the morning when the pediatrician’s office is open and our co-pay is more reasonable than an Urgent Care visit?”)
#3: “Fine. Do What You Want To Do.”
As noted, your wife wants your encouragement to take some action to close out that worry, and that makes her feel loved. By contrast, withdrawing or shutting down is likely to make a woman feel unloved and worried about the relationship. So if you (perhaps understandably) get exasperated that she keeps pushing some action, and you say “fine” and check out, you’re escalating her worry. You’re saying, “If you go ahead and do this, you’re going to create a problem in our relationship.” There’s nothing wrong with pressing for your solution instead of hers. By all means, hold the line if you feel strongly that her way is wrong. But if you are going to “give in,” give in gracefully and supportively instead of implying that if she moves forward, it will mean causing a problem between the two of you. If you can bring yourself to do that, you’ll be building a precious sense of security in her. A security that no matter what differences you have, you’ll always be there.
Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!
Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).
Her latest book, Find Rest: A Women’s Devotional for Lasting Peace in Busy Life, focuses on a journey to rest even with life’s constant demands.
Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
This article was first published at Patheos.
The post 3 Things NOT To Say When Your Wife Is Worried appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.
June 1, 2018
It’s okay to cry at high school graduation—unless you’re the Commencement Speaker
I can’t believe she’s a high school graduate.
After 18 years of late nights of studying, STEM projects and AP tests, thousands of hours of volleyball, uncountable laughs and tears, dozens of college essays, eight acceptance and rejection letters, and a whirlwind of graduation parties, my daughter just graduated from high school.
As I listened to the program and watched my little blond 5’-tall girl beaming with excitement amidst a sea of her giant looking high school peers (What is she doing there? I thought, She was in kindergarten just five minutes ago!) I could feel the tears about to burst through the careful dam I had built against them.
Which was a problem. Since I was about to be called up to the stage to give the Commencement Address.
Earlier this year, I had looked in disbelief at the head of our school, as he asked if I would be the speaker.
“Are you sure you want me this year?” I asked. “Wouldn’t this be better during a year when I wasn’t at risk of bursting into tears??”
He chuckled knowingly. “Oh no,” he said, “We always want someone connected to the graduating class.”
Which is how I came to be sitting in the front row, watching the little blond head under the navy blue graduation cap, squeezing Jeff’s hand, and trying to hold back the tears pricking my eyes.
I was suddenly struck by something else the head of school had told me in that conversation. He had explained that the Commencement Speech was the only part of the event that was truly for the graduates. He said, “Honestly, the Commencement Ceremony is really more for the parents. They need it.”
As I watched the morning unfold and build toward the moment each name was called, and each young adult walked across the stage, I realized: we parents really are the ones who need it. During my talk I asked the students “how many of you felt ready to be done with high school and move forward since the beginning of senior year?” and nearly every hand was raised. They had been pulling forward, chomping at the bit, pawing the ground for a year. We have been the ones holding those taut reigns and asking God to give us the strength to let go.
Which is why we cry. Because this is the moment that tells us it is time.
We have raised them up in the way they should go – and now they go.
We have fallen to our knees in prayer, and stood at windows late at night, anxious for them to come home – and now they are leaving that home.
We have disciplined and corrected, set boundaries and given freedoms – and now, suddenly, their life is completely their own to live.
We have held back those reins, feeling the strain from those young chargers ready to bolt, and knowing they will take our hearts with them when they do.
It is time.
Run, my daughter. It’s all yours.
Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!
Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).
Her latest book, Find Rest: A Women’s Devotional for Lasting Peace in Busy Life, focuses on a journey to rest even with life’s constant demands.
Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
This article was first published at Patheos.
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May 30, 2018
Your Husband Wants You To Know THIS About Your Sex Life
There’s probably something your husband desperately wants you to know about your sex life. Drum roll please! The next time you are intimate with your husband, he’d like you to . . . keep the lights on. Yes, you heard me right! I know the idea is scary for many women but hear me out. In all my years of researching the things our husbands wish we knew but don’t know how to say, I heard the heart behind this wish—and saw 5 surprising reasons to take the risk of keeping those lights ON:
Reason #1: When He Knows You Want Him, It Increases Intimacy
A husband is powerfully impacted by knowing his wife desires him. And few things signal “desire” more than when he sees his wife engaged in their time together. Men secretly feel so vulnerable when they approach their wives for intimacy: Do I measure up? Does she want me? Am I not enough for her? Sometimes a man will keep his guard up to avoid the sting of inadequacy if he senses his wife may not truly be all in. So if he sees that you’re engaged, he can set all concerns aside, let down his guard, and take the risk of opening up emotionally. And that vulnerability leads to much greater intimacy.
Reason #2: When You Trust Him, It Leads To True Oneness
Vulnerability works both ways. We feel so vulnerable at the idea of turning on those lights . . . because we too wonder: Do I measure up? I don’t look like I used to. Will he be satisfied with me? Turned off? Those extra pounds or least-favorite features loom large in our minds. But nearly all the men in my research told me they loved their wife’s individuality and aren’t expecting or looking for the cover model. That is our hang-up, not theirs! We need to trust that our husband loves us as we are. And when we let down our guard and trust, we reach mutual vulnerability and true oneness.
Reason #3: He Is Visual
Yes, this has been stated many times, but there’s a key reason it’s worth repeating: a man’s emotions are tied to his eyes. He drinks in and savors those images of you in your intimate time together in a wonderful, emotional way that you as a woman may never fully understand. But when those visual memories come back to his mind, he feels a rush of affection and love for you. And they are a bulwark and ammunition against the impact of all those other images that confront him out in the world every day.
Reason #4: He Delights In Knowing He Has Delighted You
The vast majority of men I’ve interviewed and surveyed have confirmed it: your man is most pleased when he pleases you. Three out of four said that for a man, sex is empty if his wife isn’t satisfied—or if he can’t tell that she was satisfied. The men said it makes an immense, delightful difference for a man to be able to see his wife’s reactions in some way.
Reason #5: You May Find It Isn’t As Big A Risk As You Think
Have you ever resisted something out of fear, only to try it later and wish you hadn’t waited so long? Many women have told me this was like that for them: it took courage, but was one of the best things they did for their marriage. Because they as women saw something too: they saw with their own eyes that their fears were empty. They saw that their husbands really did love them and delight in them as they were. These women gained confidence they never expected. And they found themselves unexpectedly moved by their husband’s almost gleeful delight in this new experience together.
So . . . try it. I’ll bet the response you get will be the best possible incentive to continue!
Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!
Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).
Her latest book, Find Rest: A Women’s Devotional for Lasting Peace in Busy Life, focuses on a journey to rest even with life’s constant demands.
Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
This article was first published at Patheos.
The post Your Husband Wants You To Know THIS About Your Sex Life appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.
May 25, 2018
Laurel, Yanny, and The One Secret That Can Solve Divisions and Save Any Relationship
So unless you were on Everest with no Wi-Fi access last week, you heard either “Laurel” or “Yanny” in the now-famous audio clip. And you probably got into an argument with a loved one about how they could possibly hear something different from you.
Just as with the 2015 “blue/gold dress” image, Jeff and I were no exception; we each thought the other was crazy. (After all, it clearly says Laurel, and the dress is clearly gold, right? Right?) We started laughing as we recognized the silliness of our underlying assumption. And then we realized: there is actually a lesson here that could save every marriage, strengthen every relationship, and solve every division on the planet if every human being was able to apply it across the board.
Obviously, we’re all a jumble of imperfections, so that will never happen perfectly! But if we can just keep in mind one thought the next time we assume a spouse, friend, or random politician is just wrong, it would be a game-changer for us and for our culture.
Here is the thought: “I can’t hear what you are hearing and I’m not seeing what you are seeing . . . but I trust that you are hearing and seeing it that way, and I care about you.”
Jeff explained this far more eloquently than I can, so here is what he said as he was processing it for me. Think on it—and see if you agree that it could be a game changer:
I started thinking about how the Bible tells husbands to live “in understanding” with their wives—and I assume it applies equally with wives to their husbands.
I have always thought of “understanding” as meaning, “I get how this makes you feel” or “I can now see it entirely as you are seeing it.” I wonder if we might have that wrong. Perhaps it is something like, “I still can’t see what you are seeing, but I trust that you are seeing it that way and I love you.”
It’s like with the blue/gold dress and Yanny/Laurel phenomenon. My brain simply won’t allow me to hear Laurel. As much as I try, I can’t hear it. And you can’t do otherwise. I can never hear what you hear. Same for the blue dress.
I think this has a profound impact on men and women. Our research and books help people comprehend what the other person is seeing/hearing. The problem is that I think for many of us, we secretly or subconsciously believe that with this information—or with just a bit more education or teaching—the other person will see/hear things just as we do. It is a great thing to keep learning about one another. We have to do that. But at the same time, perhaps we need to acknowledge that we may never gain the ability to truly see things just as another person does. At least in some areas.
Rather, we just have to accept and trust that they are legitimately feeling that way. And instead of continually being dissatisfied as we try to educate or convince them into thinking another way, we just have to love them.
Jeff continued:
Like with you and me. If I’m honest with myself, I am probably thinking that my way of thinking is correct, and that you just aren’t able to think as clearly or as rationally as me! It’s probably why we try so hard to explain things to another person with whom we disagree: so they will be able to see just what we are seeing—and then realize that we are right!
Maybe that is why Jesus said we were to “Love One Another”, rather than “Understand One Another”.
If that is the case, then yes, we can and should try to understand one another . . . but we won’t always see things the same as they do. Then the only solution is to Love One Another.
Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!
Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).
Her latest book, Find Rest: A Women’s Devotional for Lasting Peace in Busy Life, focuses on a journey to rest even with life’s constant demands.
Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
This article was first published at Patheos.
The post Laurel, Yanny, and The One Secret That Can Solve Divisions and Save Any Relationship appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.
May 23, 2018
2 Secrets to Communicating With Your Teenager
“How was school?”
(Shrug.) “Fine.”
“What did you do?”
(Shrug.) “Nothing.”
“Anything fun happen today?” (Side eye. Sigh. And…Shrug.)
If this sounds familiar, join the club! Not only do I have two teenagers, but I’ve interviewed and surveyed about 3,000 of them for For Parents Only and other books, and discovered that the condition homo teenagesapiens silenticus (otherwise known as “being a teenager who is uninformatively silent”) affects many members of the adolescent species. Often, when we most want them to share! But I’ve also discovered that there is a way to crack open the floodgate of words. Actually, there are lots of ways . . . . more than we can cover here. But two crucial understandings make a huge difference. Without these, it will be harder for any other efforts to work. With these, you have a much greater chance of hearing what’s in your child’s heart over time.
Here are 2 secrets you need to know when you want to successfully communicate with your teenager:
Secret #1: No Matter How Aloof Your Teens Seem To Be, Force Yourself To Remember That They Want You To Be Part Of Their Lives—And Do The Work To Get There
The kids told me they secretly wanted their parents to be a part of their world. They would never say that out loud, of course! But almost all (94%) said that if they could wave a magic wand, the perfect situation would be one in which their parents actively worked to be involved with them.
I heard hundreds of examples of what that could look like—anything from regularly texting about their day, to a willingness to play video games (“especially when I know gaming isn’t really my mom’s thing!”)—but there was a clear common denominator: we need to reach out to them. We must insert ourselves into their life, their world, their way of doing things, rather than expecting them to jump into ours. If your 13-year-old daughter communicates with her friends primarily via social media apps and text, then make a point of reaching out to her that way. If your 17-year-old son always has on a pair of headphones, listening to music, ask him to let you know when he gets to one of his favorite songs so you can listen in.
Even if you have a difficult relationship right now, those efforts can pay big dividends later. One teenage boy described years of poor life choices and how his parents always showed they were there for him, no matter what. As a result, he realized, “I need my parents. I need their assurance, their backup, their support.” He also realized something else I heard from many kids, “[And] because they’ve been there, I can talk with them about anything.”
Secret #2: No Matter What You Hear From Your Child: Remain Completely, Utterly Calm
Our kids often self-censor the “real” things they might otherwise share, depending on what they expect of our reaction. There’s a very real twitchiness about whether Mom or Dad will freak out. And “freaking out,” by the way, included not just a parent’s negative reactions, but energetically positive ones. So while cheering her great shot on goal is fine, excitedly saying “What an awesome idea!” about her plans to organize a picnic before prom is not. In other words: freaking out is any obvious display of emotion during a conversation.
Thus, one of the most crucial tools in your “how to get your kid to talk” toolbox is your ultra-calm demeanor. No matter what you hear from your daughter about her best friend driving drunk or from your son about how cruel the basketball coach was to him, keep your voice level and your facial expressions in the “politely interested” to “politely concerned” range. No one expects us to be robots. But if you can keep “politely concerned” on your face (even though you want to rage about the coach instead), your son is far more likely to share about what happens at practice tomorrow. And the next day. And pretty soon, you’ve built a habit between you, of him sharing more and more of what is going on. Because he knows what to expect from you and that it‘s safe to share.
We want our kids to share with us. And on their side, they want to share. By remembering these two secrets, you’ll see how it creates a win-win for everyone.
Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!
Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).
Her latest book, Find Rest: A Women’s Devotional for Lasting Peace in Busy Life, focuses on a journey to rest even with life’s constant demands.
Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
This article was first published at Patheos.
The post 2 Secrets to Communicating With Your Teenager appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.
