Shaunti Feldhahn's Blog, page 44

When You Think Your Husband Is Overreacting . . . Again

“If I had heard this a few years ago, I wouldn’t be divorced today.”

I can’t tell you how often I have heard that phrase. At my speaking engagements I frequently have people tell me how much they wish they hadn’t had to learn some key relationship lessons the hard way—through the pain and loss of a break-up or by struggling in an unhappy marriage.

My passion (in case you haven’t noticed!) is to share my research findings and insights so that these key relationship lessons can be learned “in time,” to help prevent broken and unhappy marriages. And beyond that, to help people not just survive but thrive in their relationships!

Some of these relationship lessons are simple yet powerful. Here’s one particularly deadly but easily-missed trap that could be present in your marriage right now:

Never think your husband shouldn’t be hurt by something that wouldn’t hurt you.

That sounds so mundane. But it’s one of the most common, sneaky reasons marriages fail.

So how can you recognize this trap? What might it look like in the everyday life of your marriage? 

What We Do Or Say Seems Innocent To Us

Just about all of us have thought something like this about our spouse:

All I did was point out where he wasn’t connecting the TV cables correctly. I mean, he’d been working on that new setup for an hour and he obviously needed help. It is ridiculous for that to make him mad.

Or

I don’t know why he’s so sensitive about me telling him how to put the kids to bed. He clearly doesn’t know the routine and I’m only trying to help!

Here’s why these thoughts are so dangerous: they make us blow off the fact that we are legitimately hurting the other person. 

Our Differences Make Us Vulnerable

We tend to forget that we are different from our spouses. To be more specific, men and women are different. In some ways, in fact, our brains are wired to be the opposite of each other! I heard one neurologist say that when he reads MRI scans of male and female brains it is sometimes like looking at two different species. And although there are always exceptions, our emotional needs, insecurities, and hurts diverge as well. 

So the things that hurt men’s feelings—what they are vulnerable to—are different than the things that hurt women’s feelings. As a result, the way a man responds internally to certain comments or actions will differ significantly from the way a woman would. While we cannot see what is going on inside our spouse, we can grow in our understanding of what makes them tick and use that information to strengthen our relationship. To gain some insight into how men are wired and what hurts their feelings, let’s look more closely at one of our examples.  

What He’s Thinking

Most guys have a deep, hidden worry that just isn’t as big of a deal for most women. Men desperately want to be good at what they do, to make their wives happy, to feel adequate and competent. But deep inside, he’ll constantly worry that he isn’t adequate. That he’s one step away from being found out as an imposter. Here are the internal, underlying feelings of a man:

Do I measure up? I love my wife so much. She’s amazing and deserves my very best, but I’m not sure I know how to be the husband she needs. I adore my kids and want to be a great dad to them. I don’t want to mess up. I want to provide for our family. I want to give them everything they need, do everything they need, protect them in the way they need… but am I up to the task? My buddies Gary and Bill seem to have it all together; I wish I was a fix-it guy like Gary and a great dad like Bill. I don’t want to let my family down.

Why It Hurts

So when your man is trying to put together the complicated new TV system and it isn’t going well, he’s already feeling like a failure at what he’s trying to do—as if he doesn’t measure up to others. It’s painful for him. And when you come along and point out what he didn’t do correctly in connecting that cable (just trying to help, of course!) you have, without realizing it, just overtly pointed out: yes, you are indeed a failure. Gary would have done better. Or when you give step-by-step instructions on exactly how to tuck your kids in at bedtime, you are, without realizing it, telling your husband he’s not a competent parent. Bill probably knows the routine better than him.

We women don’t think of it that way, of course. We think our man is being super-over-sensitive. In other words: We think he shouldn’t be hurt by that. Because it wouldn’t hurt us. But we’re wrong!

Hurt Feelings Create A Cycle

When we hurt our man’s feelings, we compound the hurt by communicating to him that he shouldn’t have been upset by what we said or did. So he gets mad. Or he withdraws. And then we get hurt by that. Or we huff and get mad because he’s mad and we don’t think he should be. All because we don’t see his hurt, his wiring, his needs. Or we don’t see them as legitimate. So we miss the deep truth. We roll our eyes at his “ego” and never realize: he doesn’t have an ego. He has a deep well of self-doubt.

Because we missed the fact that our actions legitimately caused him pain, because we miss the deep truth underneath it, we do those things again. We hurt him again. He gets mad and withdraws again. Then we get hurt again. And pretty soon our marriage is hurting. All because of a sneaky trap we never saw. 

The Answer

To avoid this dangerous relationship trap and prevent the cycle of hurting, there’s really just one answer: watch for the things that hurt your spouse, recognize that they are usually legitimate, and make a real effort to avoid them. It might seem simple, but it’s not always easy. For starters, try putting yourself in their shoes. Consider the unique vulnerabilities that differ from yours. Then treat your husband—and those vulnerabilities—with tender loving care. 

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post When You Think Your Husband Is Overreacting . . . Again appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Are You Measuring His Love By The Size Of Your Diamond?

The day her boyfriend proposed was one of the happiest days of Sarah’s life. Jason went all out: the perfect location, meaningful words, and down on one knee with a lovely ring. At the time, she wouldn’t have changed a thing. But now, a few months before the wedding, Sarah’s ring has become a source of stress. She realized that she’d rather have something bigger, with a bit more style. She talked with Jason about it, and he said they don’t have that kind of money—but Sarah noticed that he doesn’t seem to have a problem buying fancy accessories for his car. She’s willing to forego eating out or whatever they need to do to upgrade her ring, but Jason’s just not budging. 

Beyond the issue of the ring itself is a deeper concern below the surface. Sarah is worried that Jason’s lack of “splurging” on her ring means that he doesn’t prioritize what matters to her—which means he doesn’t prioritize her.

Is she right? Does her fiancé’s engagement ring selection truly and accurately reflect the depth of his love for her? Perhaps you’ve found yourself in a similar situation. Does the level of bling—and the amount of money invested—really matter? Or are you reading more into it than you should?

The Ring

An engagement ring is something we proudly show our friends and family—let’s face it, just about anyone who is willing to look! It’s a thing of beauty as well as a symbol of commitment, promise, hope, and joy all wrapped up in one item. Our tendency is to see an engagement ring as a reflection of our relationship and our man’s love for us. So it’s easy to look at a woman standing in line at the grocery store wearing impressive diamonds and think, “Her husband must really love her!” On the flip side, disappointment in the engagement ring (or, really, any gift from her man) can cause a woman to question the value he places on her and the relationship. And that’s a concern that can ripple out from the proposal into the relationship and the marriage itself. But the truth is: People can and usually do have different spending priorities without it meaning anything about their feelings toward each other.

Not Knowing The Whole Story

In Sarah’s situation (and maybe yours), it’s possible that her fiancé really doesn’t care enough about her. In which case the issue needs to be addressed before things go any further. But chances are he does love her (and your fiancé loves you) very deeply. And maybe Jason has a reason why he bought those car accessories. Perhaps he’d been saving for them for two years but bought Sarah that diamond ring instead, and promised himself that when he saved another $1,000 he would upgrade the car a bit. Maybe every single day for the last two years, driving the non-upgraded car, he would daydream about the day he would ask her to marry him. That glorious day that demonstrated she loved him, too. But then she (and maybe you) started questioning whether a lack of bling meant a lack of love.

Believing The Best

If this scenario resonates with you, the bottom line is this: you have to decide whether you’re going to believe the best of your man—or the worst. Because marriage will most certainly give you plenty of opportunities to wonder about your husband’s motives, to question his love, and to wrestle with hurt feelings. And when those questions and hurt feelings come, you need to be prepared to remind yourself of one extremely important fact: I know he loves me, and this doesn’t mean otherwise. That one reminder can eliminate many conflicts with your man and can ensure your future as a happy couple, as I’ve learned in my research.

When I was researching the happiest couples, I found that this one action set them apart—and changed their relationships from so-so to sensational. When these spouses are legitimately hurt, they refuse to believe that their mates intended to hurt them, and they look for the most generous explanation instead. They give their mate the benefit of the doubt. Sure, they have disagreements, bad days, grumpy moods, and selfish episodes like anyone else. Which means there are times when they can be callous and insensitive to each other. But they don’t let those things define what they know to be true about the other person’s care and love for them.

What Now?

So Sarah should take a page from that book. It doesn’t mean she can’t discuss saving for an upgraded ring if she decides that’s what she really wants, or trying to help her fiancé understand how much it matters to her. She should talk to him about it and work toward a solution that satisfies both of them. But she should do it in a way that demonstrates that she believes he truly cares for her. And for anyone in this situation, no matter what, before you get married, decide that you will choose to always believe in—and keep your eyes on—the real prize: his great love for you.

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first was first published at Patheos.

The post Are You Measuring His Love By The Size Of Your Diamond? appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

4 Phrases That Make You Your Wife’s Hero

There’s a reason why superhero movies are so popular, right? What’s not to love about someone who defies all odds, defeats the villain, rescues the vulnerable and saves the day? And while most of you men do not wear a cape on a regular basis, I know from my research for the book For Men Only, that you guys want to make your wife happy (and have her view you as her personal superhero). For most men, the everyday things that you do are your expressions of love and are designed to make your wife feel loved and cared for. But what if you want to make a superhero-sized impact on your wife’s heart? Here are 4 key phrases she will love to hear: 

Phrase #1: “Here, let me do that.”

“What can I do to help?” is a good question and it will likely elicit a smile from your wife. She will appreciate that you recognize her need for a helping hand. Maybe it’s washing the dishes or folding the laundry. Perhaps it’s taking her car in for that pesky oil change or helping your fourth-grader with that book report. By stepping up and taking something off her hands, she will feel as if a couple dozen roses were dropped in by parachute. 

Phrase #2: “You’re right. I didn’t do that quite right. Show me again.”

Maybe you stepped in and said, “here, let me do that,” only to be shown a “better” way to do the task at hand (like cleaning the kitchen or dressing the kids). As a man, your gut instinct is to think, “Nothing I do is good enough for you,” and then you backed off. Men, understand that your woman has no idea that you secretly worry about being inadequate. Because of that, she doesn’t understand why you would be upset by her implying something wasn’t done right. She’s not trying to criticize you; she’s merely taking you at your word that you want to help and showing you how best to help. Believe the best of your wife’s intentions, hang in there, and don’t back off. 

Phrase #3: “I’m angry and I need some space. But I’ll be back in a bit. We’re okay.”

When you’re mad or hurt and just need some space to process things, it’s important to let her know that the relationship is safe and that you still love her—before you take a walk or retreat to the man-cave. Or maybe you’re dealing with work stuff and need to switch of the “husband” box in your brain for a few minutes and will deal with the argument later. While you’re tinkering in the man-cave and thinking about things, she’s standing outside the door with her stomach in knots wondering if this is THAT fight—the one that’s going to hurt your love for her. She will probably go on about her day but if she’s like most women in my research, part of her brain is worrying, “Are we okay?” So reassure her before you go get your space and you’ll be protecting her from hours of stress. 

Phrase #4: “I’m so sorry that happened. How did that feel?”

Most men would rephrase this question like this: “I’m so sorry that happened. Here’s what I suggest you do.” Men are wired to fix things. But as my husband Jeff and I wrote in our book, For Men Only, “How she feels about the problem is the problem.” Being a hero to your wife doesn’t mean that you try to remove whatever caused the pain—at least not immediately. For most women (although not all), removing the pain is Step 2. Step One is helping her talk through all those jangling feelings she’s dealing with. Because of the way the female brain is wired, that is what will reduce the pain most. After a few minutes, you’ll see her tension ease as she feels heard and cared for. Then you can move on to Step Two to solve the problem if needed. But most importantly, she’ll feel so loved by the superhero in her life—YOU.  

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

The post 4 Phrases That Make You Your Wife’s Hero appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

2 Mistakes We Make That Create Loneliness

There’s a certain amount of pride that goes along with doing things on your own, isn’t there? Think about those curtains you hung by yourself. Or that gourmet recipe you mastered. Or that presentation you put together that knocked the socks off your boss. Isn’t an independent spirit something we admire in others and work to achieve in ourselves? Well, yes, many of us do work toward being seen as independent in many aspects: but it can also be one of the main reasons we have so much stress in our lives!

In my Life Ready Woman book and Bible study, I’ve heard from a lot of women who feel completely burned out and weary. And as I listen to their stories I see the same theme: we’re trying to do life on our own! Without even realizing it, we can end up being isolated or lonely—even if we do not think of ourselves that way! We have to do a radical rethink. Most likely, the last thing you want is to be isolated!

Here are 2 very common mistakes we make that create loneliness and how to reverse it:

Mistake #1: Demonstrating Apathy About Building Community

We are all busy. I have two active teenagers, a hardworking husband, and I am always running around the country on speaking engagements. I’m full up! What suffers? Getting together with friends; prioritizing our church Connect Group. “Sorry, we weren’t able to be there tonight . . . or last week . . . or the month before that . . .”

But we were not created to do life alone. After all, according to the Genesis account describing the formation of mankind, God looked at all of his creation and said “It is good” with one exception. It was absolutely not good for man to be alone. So, God made someone with whom he could do life. Then, in the first recorded small group, he himself walked in the garden with the man and his wife.

Scientists have found that when we don’t do life with others, we are at higher risk of everything from depression to cancer. Multiple times in the Bible, God stresses that he designed us to love and support each other. We are directed to live in community with other followers of Christ. That means we have to prioritize community and work everything else around it if at all possible!

Mistake #2: Not Asking For Help

Community doesn’t have to mean always being in harmony. It simply means sharing life together—not just offering support but asking for it when it is needed. It also means treating your community as if they are true family.

When I was living in Boston, a pastor shared a story about good friends who had moved to California. One night at 3:00 am, the pastor and his wife were awakened with an urgent phone call from their friends asking for prayer. Raging wildfires were threatening their home and community. From their window they could see the glow of thousands of acres burning—the fire was advancing quickly as they raced to evacuate their home. The pastor and his wife got out of their bed and knelt on the cold floor, praying urgently for an hour for the protection of their friends, their home, and everyone in the area.

In the end, although the fire consumed thousands of acres and several neighborhoods, the broader community—and their friends’ house—was spared.

The homeowner called the pastor and thanked him profusely for being a true friend. The pastor answered, “No. Thank you.  You were the one being a true friend. You thought enough of our friendship that you were willing to wake us up in the middle of the night to ask us to pray. You were good enough friends that you were willing to ‘inconvenience’ us.”

The Fix? Open Yourself To Community

Are you good enough friends with someone that you are willing to “inconvenience” them with your struggles? So often, we can see the fires of financial crisis, health issues or kids’ rebellion on the horizon. We pray and pray. God wants us to call on Him, of course! But God has also created community for us to call on—even in the middle of the night. That is what God has designed for you.

If you do not have a community of people like that around you, decide that this week is the week you will start to make that a reality. It has to be authentic and it probably won’t happen immediately. So start inviting others over for dinner. Make friends. Be vulnerable. And be willing to not just offer help but to ask for it as well. In the end, your willingness to become more community-focused will be a blessing for you and those around you!

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

The post 2 Mistakes We Make That Create Loneliness appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

A Permanent Love

What would you do for your spouse when they are suffering? Your child? Would you take their pain on yourself if you could? I know many of us feel that we would. The depth of our love means we would take on any pain if we could relieve them of theirs.

That fact, combined with what is going on with my Dad, is making me see Easter differently this year.

As many of you know, my Dad had a massive stroke two weeks ago. He had recovered well from a right-brain stroke three years ago, worked hard, and came back to being fully independent (driving himself to Pilates class!). This stroke, in the left side of his brain, has been more challenging, impacting his ability to move, remember things, speak, and see. It has been so hard to watch this great man, this precious father of mine, struggle at times to remember his name, to get words out, to remember what we told him a few hours ago.

It has been even harder for my Mom. After 53 years of marriage, they are as close to ONE as two people can be.

Yet even when my dad was confused, unsure where he was, or even what his name was – he knew my Mom. My Mom who has loved and served him sacrificially – just as he has her – for 53 years.  My mom who saw that he was distressed and agitated from not understanding what was going on, when he couldn’t seem to move his arms or open his eyes, when his brain DESPERATELY needed rest that he wasn’t getting.  So she climbed into his hospital bed to comfort him. Instantly, he calmed down, took a deep breath, put his arms around her, and fell into a deep, healing sleep.

She would take on his pain if she could. But she can’t. It is a helpless feeling to watch someone you love suffer, and know that beyond advocating for more Tylenol, you can do nothing to relieve that pain.

Yet this weekend, nearly two weeks after my father’s stroke, I am reminded that the great story of Easter is that God COULD do something to take our pain on Himself – and He did. God says He loves us like both a spouse and a Father. He could not bear to see us suffering from the pain of this fallen world and our sin.  So in an act of permanent love, he DID switch with us. Jesus was born as a human baby in order to grow up to be the One who would go to the cross for us. On that dark Friday he made that sacrifice, to take all of our pain and sin on Himself. What we can never do for a loved one, He did for us.

And on that glorious Sunday morning: the empty tomb!  “He is not here: He is risen. Just as he said.”

Jesus had defeated pain and sin and death – the condition of humanity – forever.

In this fallen world, Jesus says we will have trouble, but He has overcome the world. And He invites us to overcome it too… by making another switch. Switching our old life, for the new. Our way, for His.  Accepting that sacrifice He made for us, out of His great love.

I don’t know what will happen to my precious father in the time ahead. He is brave, and courageous, and working as hard as he can to overcome the impacts of this stroke. But there are some battles ahead.

Yet, he also knows that no matter what happens – God has won the war on his behalf. He has traded the old life for the new. He has accepted the sacrificial switch.

I look at the picture of my parents. And from this day on, I will remember the promise of Easter.

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post A Permanent Love appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

“Things I’ve learned in the past week” by Charlyn Elliott (a special guest post)

Hi friends –

Yes, it is a cliché, but when it rains it pours! As y’all know, my dad had a stroke almost two weeks ago, and I’ve spent most of that time in and out of hospitals helping my mom.  My team was amazing: they stepped in and took everything off my plate so I could concentrate on what was more important.  Whew!

But was that the end of it? Oh, no! My staff director’s father ALSO suddenly had a serious health issue – she was told he needed sudden spinal surgery. She lives in Atlanta; he lives alone in an assisted living facility in Florida. Suddenly, not only were she and the rest of the team trying to do their jobs AND mine, but Charlyn (my staff director) herself had to juggle a sudden parental health crisis, hospitalization, and all the stress that comes with it. She made last-minute plans to fly to Florida.

And that’s where we pick up the story, with her list of “Things I’ve learned in the past week” about her father. Which were so hilarious I just had to include them as a sort of guest blog this week. Because it’s just been that sort of week.

-Shaunti Feldhahn

“Things I’ve learned in the past week”

by Charlyn Elliott (Shaunti’s staff director):

When you’re old and you have a “I’ve fallen & I can’t get up” button, you better wear it. (Hellooo, 83-year old dad, did you hear that? …Nope, he’s deaf.)
When you’re told that your dad is in the hospital, but you call 2 hospitals and neither has any record of him, just call a certain doctor of his. Because they can give you a play-by-play in detail: The “he checked in at 6:30, they put a C-collar on him, he was complaining of pain, they did an x-ray, and now he is waiting in the hallway for an MRI” kind of detail.
When half the world is on spring break and you can’t fly into Ft Myers, Sarasota is not that far away.
When you’re told that he’s going to have surgery (which was the reason you rushed down and flew into Sarasota), they might be mistaken.
When you’re told he’ll likely go home on Saturday, don’t believe them.
When they tell you on Saturday, that it will likely be Tuesday, don’t believe that either.
When the kidney doctor mentions getting a CT, jump on it and ask her to make sure that it will give the urologist info that he needs. Because, on Monday, when the assisted living place takes your dad to his appointment that had been cancelled, the urologist will be nice enough to work him in. (And since you managed to get that CT done at the hospital, he’ll have everything he needs.)
When the spine doctor realizes that the outpatient procedure that HE was going to do on Friday isn’t going to happen because your dad is in the hospital – he will care enough to reschedule AND give you his personal cell # in case anything goes awry.
When you’re an hour from heading to the airport to fly home on Sunday, THAT is when the doctor will decide to discharge him. (Yeah, 2-3 days earlier than expected. Or a day late, depending on how you’re counting.)
When the doctor says he’ll discharge him, you best get on the phone with Delta to rebook your flight – because you will be getting one of the last of 2 seats on the last flight out. But Delta will be kind enough to waive the crazy fees. (Thank you, Delta!)
When the hospital calls in prescriptions to the drug store without asking you, don’t expect it to be the right drug store. And don’t expect them to actually call in ALL of the prescriptions. They’ll still be giving you some paper prescriptions that you’ll need to fill. And you’ll finally get to the drugstore 30 minutes before it closes – with a 45-60 minute wait time on prescription fills. And your flight leaves shortly, so that ship sailed. Oh well. You’ll get the facility to pick them up.
There are some amazingly kind people in the world, who can make you laugh, and help out in wonderful ways. (You know who you are!)
And I have the best husband in the world who takes care of my “not-so-little anymore” “little dudes” while I’m gone. And those dudes are pretty cool, too!

#whatanadventure #notdoneyet #backtoRSWonFriday

Sometimes we make our own plans, and God has other plans. And sometimes we try too hard to stick to a plan that we created and we need to allow Him to change our plans. That’s what Find Rest is all about. Stop roadblocking God and when he shifts your plans, go with His plan. And sometimes, He may seeming change the plan multiple times. Just know that He is in control, He knows what you need, and He’ll provide it just when you need it. And not a moment sooner. I have a lot to learn, but I am learning. And most of all, thank you, Jesus, for taking care of my dad, me, and all of these shifting plans. It will all work out. I know You’ve got this!

”For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord…” – Jeremiah 29:11

The post “Things I’ve learned in the past week” by Charlyn Elliott (a special guest post) appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

A Tip for Finding Rest No Matter Where You Are

We are SO EXCITED that the launch date for Find Rest: A Women’s Devotional for Lasting Peace in a Busy Life is finally here! It’s been a stressful couple of weeks (see previous blog post about Shaunti’s dad in the hospital), but through it all, we have seen God’s faithfulness. We know His goodness passes all understanding. And we are confident He uses every circumstance for His glory.

Thank you to everyone who pre-ordered the book! In fact, we had such a great reception to Find Rest in our pre-order efforts, we are seeing that in some locations, Amazon is showing out-of-stock or backordered notices. But we view this as encouraging because it means the book is in demand. But we also recognize that it’s not  ideal, as we want the book in as many hands as possible. The publisher is already working on a second printing, but in some cases, there can be a delay in getting your hands on a beautiful copy of Find Rest.

But here’s a little secret: there’s a way to find rest RIGHT NOW! If you buy the hardcover edition of Find Rest through Amazon, you can get the Kindle edition for an astonishingly low price: $2.99! This is available through what Amazon calls “Matchbook.” It means you can read the ebook while you wait for your print copy to arrive. Talk about a win-win! And even once the print copy is around, you can have the Find Rest Kindle edition on your phone or tablet — making it really easy to access the devotionals no matter where you are. At home, you can savor a few minutes alone with a cup of coffee and your print edition. On the go (hello, carpool line!), find rest with your Kindle app on your phone. It’s the perfect way to fit it into your day, no matter how hectic it is.

Whether you’re an ebook aficionado or paper all the way, Shaunti (and all of us on her team) hope you discover Find Rest to be a place for your souls to be rejuvenated and encouraged. If you enjoyed this book, please leave a review at Amazon or wherever you purchased your copy. That helps a lot!

If you need help figuring out how to add the Kindle edition for $2.99 once you have ordered the print copy, here are step-by-step directions.

This article was first published at Patheos.

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An update from Shaunti’s team

Hi Friends,

As many of you have reached out, we on Shaunti’s team wanted to thank you and to let you know that we’re doing our best to take care of Shaunti during this difficult time. We’re navigating the work front while she takes care of things with her family. (If you haven’t seen her previous post, Shaunti’s dad is currently in ICU after having a stroke.)

Shaunti, as well as her team, are humbled by the outpouring of love, prayer and support from her readers. Thank you for all the messages—we make sure she sees each one of them.

There were all sorts of plans and schedules and excitement revolving around the upcoming release and pre-order of her beautiful devotional—Find Rest—but when life happens, guess what? Plans change. But what doesn’t change is God. He is good. He is present. He will provide rest. It’s a biblical promise.

Please join us in praying for the healing of Shaunti’s father and for wisdom, peace, and REST for her family during this time.

With love and gratitude,

Shaunti’s Team

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In the ICU With My Dad

Well, this wasn’t where I was expecting to be today.

I have had the craziest last month: fighting an intense sinus infection and bronchitis and traveling and speaking throughout – to awesome churches in Pennsylvania, Texas, Oregon, and Florida; a corporation in Baltimore; a school in Virginia. (That looks like too small of a list! I’m sure I’m forgetting someone!) I had a great time despite the coughing and wheezing, but boy was I looking forward to my upcoming three weeks at HOME! Yesterday, I was finishing up a long 8 days on the road at a wonderful church in Fort Lauderdale, and so eager to get back home to Jeff and the kids that night. My staff, seeing that I was desperately in need to “find rest” and NOT be a hypocrite as I release my new devo/book by that name, had cancelled everything on my calendar for today, so I could sleep in, relax, laze around, and get a few good naps in.

Instead, I ended up sleeping on the visitor lounge sofa in an ICU in Virginia.

I finished the final pastoral interview of the weekend at the 1 pm service yesterday at Calvary Chapel in Fort Lauderdale, walked offstage, picked up my phone, and saw a text that my dad had just had a stroke.

The wonderful people at Calvary rallied fast, praying, packing me up and and driving me at high speeds to the airport so I could try to catch an earlier flight back to Atlanta, then grab a connecting plane on to Virginia that night. Everything worked. Delta was amazing, getting me on an earlier flight that was technically overbooked, putting me up front so I could get off the plane fast, race through the airport, and catch a 24-minute connection to the next flight.

Enterprise was amazing, going out of their way to give me flexibility on the rental car, since I don’t know how long I’ll be here. I drove quickly through the night to the semi-rural area where my parents live, and arrived in the ICU at almost 10 pm, to hug my daddy.

And that is when all the rushing came to a screeching halt.

It is amazing how something like this puts everything in perspective and forces someone like me to slow down. Suddenly, instead of bright airport lights, the low light of a room in ICU. Instead of a bustle of 400 women packed into a fun, loud, larger-than-life women’s conference, there’s a wide, quiet hospital floor with a few night nurses at the station and a lot of space. Instead of loudspeaker announcements, the gentle beeping of machines and the gentle whisper of my mom talking with the nurses, monitoring how my precious father is doing.

And he is doing okay. He is stable so far. He hasn’t had bleeding in the brain or any of the scary things that come from giving the anti-clotting meds they used. But he’s frustrated. He can’t remember the names of his grandchildren. He loves them so much. But he can’t retrieve their names right now. His depth perception is off. Letters and numbers don’t make sense at the moment. My brilliant, Ph.D economist father was impacted three years ago by a massive stroke and he has been clawing his way back. Now, a smaller stroke, on the other side of his brain.

And this the greatest adjustment for someone like me: dealing with absolute uncertainty. I’m a problem-solver. I figure out how to get stuff done. But I can’t do much about this. And the answers are all uncertain. What will the impacts of this stroke be? No one knows. It’s simply too early. Let his brain rest and see what comes back. When will we get the results of the MRI? We don’t know. Give it a few hours. When will the doctor be by to talk to us? There’s no way to tell. It depends on what else is going on. How about the PT and OT people? They might come by today. Or they might not. It depends on his results, and other factors. There’s no way of knowing.

For someone like me, those are very frustrating answers!

And yet. Those answers really do capture reality. We don’t know. There’s no way of knowing. We’re not in control.

Today, I’m grateful that our family knows the One who is in control. My parents had so many plans for their next few years, involving selling their house and moving to a retirement community near us. Oh, I pray that is still possible! But no matter what happens, we do not have to worry. We are uncertain but our God is not. And we’re praying for Him to bring full and complete recovery to my dad. And for peace for my mom and us in the process.

Shaunti received her graduate degree from Harvard University and was an analyst on Wall Street before unexpectedly becoming a social researcher, best-selling author and popular speaker.  Today, she applies her analytical skills to investigating eye-opening, life-changing truths about relationships, both at home and in the workplace.  Her groundbreaking research-based books, such as For Women Only, have sold more than 2 million copies in 23 languages and are widely read in homes, counseling centers and corporations worldwide.

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, is catalyzing a movement of kindness across the country and beyond. Dozens of prominent organizations and leaders are coming together to do The 30-Day Kindness Challenge, and encourage their followers to do the same.

This article was first published at Patheos.

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6 Tips Coaches Want Every Sports Parent To Know

“Come on, Ref, are you kidding me? That was a foul!” The latest in an ongoing barrage of insults by a parent in the stands had the coach looking furious on the sidelines. He knew that the impact of this dad’s rude behavior toward the referees went far beyond a few passionately expressed criticisms during intense moments of the game. The parent had modeled bad sportsmanship for all the players, had embarrassed his son, and had done nothing to improve their team’s performance or change the outcome of the game.

Observing the man’s boorish behavior, I started to wonder: what other parental actions do coaches hate that might not be quite as obvious as this? What other terrible lessons are well-intentioned parents teaching their kids without even realizing it?

I decided to interview coaches, and in those discussions I consistently heard the following things that drive them nuts . . . and these 6 tips on what parents should do instead:

Tip #1: If Your Child Has A Grievance Or A Need, Insist That They Talk To Us Before You Will

I heard this over and over. If a student is in middle school or high school, the coach cringes if the parent comes to raise an issue that the coach hasn’t heard about directly from their child.

Why? Well, one of the most important character traits of any person (especially any athlete!) is growing up and taking responsibility for yourself and your actions: to work hard, address things directly, and be willing to work on yourself and your own game wherever needed.

Allowing your teen to hide behind your skirts while you discuss their concern with the coach teaches the opposite lesson: that it is okay to complain, talk about others behind their backs, and expect someone else to fight your battles. Soon enough, the coaches said, the student who learns that lesson will start complaining and whining to the coach and their fellow players: about the other team, those mean referees, that worn out equipment, and then, inevitably, other students on their own team.

As one varsity coach put it, “This isn’t so much for younger kids, but if the athlete is in middle school—and especially in high school!—let the student try to work it out first. Give them the empowerment to grow up. Say ‘You can do it; go talk to the coach first. You handle it, and then if you need my support afterwards, I’ll help.’ A middle schooler will not have tact in how they approach it, and that is okay. It is still important to try. That’s how you learn.”

Tip #2: If Your Child (Or You) Has Something To Say, Do NOT Say It Right After A Game! Help Your Child Learn Good Judgment About The Right Time And Place To Get Better Results

As one varsity coach said: “I can guarantee you that immediately after the game is NOT when most coaches want to think about anything you want to share. Set up a meeting.” The coaches mentioned the internal groan they experience when they see a parent (or child) marching toward them with purpose in their eyes, regardless of whether they won or lost.

As one coach said, “Look, even the most calm, steady coach is going to be riled up from the match or the game. And you as a parent are riled up because whatever happened sparked your emotions. You are thinking, ‘I want my baby to play, not sit on the bench!’ or whatever it is. No one is going to be able to process things well in that situation. It is better to calm down, go home, then send an email or text asking for the meeting. You’ll automatically set yourself up for better results, and teach your children an important lesson about being willing to wait rather than having to discuss it RIGHT NOW.”

Tip #3: When You Do (Or Your Child Does) Have That Discussion, Come Prepared, Rather Than Signaling That Preparation Doesn’t Matter . . . And Neither Does This Meeting

The coaches were unanimous: if you or your child haven’t thought through what you want to share, and how, you’ve signaled that this issue isn’t important enough to you to warrant that step. And you’ve taught your child that they can blunder into important situations without preparation, hoping they will work out . . . which is exactly the opposite of what the coaches are constantly trying to teach the athletes!

As one coach put it, “One young man came in to ask me for a different role on the team. It was a big ask, but it was clear he had thought it through. He had notes written out on his phone, and he systematically went through his list of things he wanted to discuss. It was great. I didn’t immediately agree, and a week later, his dad asked for a meeting, and when he came in with his son, he too had clearly thought things through. I respected that, and it shows they respect my time.” The coach smiled ruefully. “I couldn’t change my decision at this point in the season but I did tell them how much I respected the boy’s passion about this and I promised I would definitely take a look at switching him next year.”

Tip #4: Trust The Coach’s Decisions And Strategy, Even If You Don’t Understand It, Rather Than Defaulting To A Mindset Of Suspicion And Fostering That Suspicion In Your Child

You knew this one was going to be here and you were right. Coaches have many, many different reasons for what they do that parents will not always understand. In part because parents don’t have access to all the information the coaches do, and in part because we are all just different: two different people in the exact same situation might value or decide different things.

All the parents agreed that they shouldn’t accept truly dangerous or abusive behavior. (For example, one coach mentioned a parent who rightly alerted them to an assistant coach’s practice of withholding water breaks as a form of discipline.) But in most cases, the coach needs to be able to make decisions, to experiment, and to do what they believe is best for the team without worrying that parents will be on the phone the next day or rolling their eyes with their kids.

One junior varsity coach told me, “In rec leagues and club sports there is a lot of focusing on drills. It is simply easier, when you have a large number of students, to focus on drills and say, ‘This is the best way to build skills.’ But actually, as long as you have a decent skill base of some kind, we try to minimize the drills and actually do gameplay. It is messy and ugly and chaotic . . . and that’s what the real games often look like! So if we train that way, then when ugliness happens in the game, the students are used to it. But every year I get phone calls from parents whose students played in county leagues or club sports, saying ‘My child is not getting enough of the practice they need to compete, because you’re not running enough drills!’ and I have to spend time on the phone explaining why we do it this way, and encouraging them to not join in with their student when they second guess us. Our students end up being far more prepared because they are not thrown by the tempo and chaos of the games, so eventually the parents come and say, ‘Oh I get it.’ But it is frustrating to have to spend those hours on the front end because the parents default to thinking I’m crazy, rather than the parents defaulting to a position of trust that there IS a reason I’m doing this.”

Tip #5: Support Me As The Coach, Even When Your Child Is Upset With Me, Rather Than Undermining Not Just Me But The Team

Coaches make mistakes just like everyone else. The difference is that a coach needs everyone to follow them, despite mistakes and disagreements, in order for the team as a whole to have the best chance of success . . . whether that means success on the field or success in building the life character of the student athletes.

I heard about one varsity coach whose central starting player did not take direction well. This player was extremely talented, but sometimes ignored the coach’s explicit directions. The next time it happened, the coach benched the player for the rest of the game, which put the game in jeopardy. The player furiously complained to the parent, and the coach was thrilled to hear the parent say, “It was YOU that put the game in jeopardy.”

Another coach told me, “It makes all the difference if the parents decide to trust my decisions, and support me behind my back. Coaches are supposed to be completely unbiased toward all kids, all players, and be team focused. Coaches try as best we can to do what is best for the team. Parents don’t mean to be biased toward their kids, but they are.”

Tip #6: Be The Parent, Not The Coach: You Are The Only One Who Can Play The Crucial Parent Role

Finally, no matter how much a parent knows about the game, no matter how great you are at strategy, no matter what fantastic input you have for your child, the coaches wanted you to hear this: there are lots of people who can be a good coach to your child. There’s only one YOU. What your child needs most is for you to simply be there for them. And if your advice or tips or instruction on the game are getting in the way of you playing that crucial support role—especially during and after a game—those things have to go.

One coach was passionate about this. He said, “We need to know that our student athletes have parents in the stands who are going to encourage them during the game. That is so crucial. They need to know their parents are there for them. And after the game, a lot of athletes are going to be emotional, win or lose. What I want parents to hear is this: do not start critiquing your child immediately on the ride home. All the child needs to hear on the ride home is ‘I really enjoy watching you play.’ That is something they need to hear from YOU.”

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

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