Shaunti Feldhahn's Blog, page 47

A Bittersweet Christmas

At the end of this year, I’m in a reflective mood.

I’m spending Christmas break with my family in one of my favorite places in the world: the big, beautiful log cabin my parents built on 13 acres in the Virginia Blue Ridge Mountains. They have lived here full time for twelve years, and have been weekending at the original, smaller log cabin for 23 years. Yet we all know this is probably our last Christmas here.  

At Christmas, my family comes up from Atlanta, my brother’s family arrives from Singapore, and we spend a precious week or two together before scattering again. This place is an oasis for not just my parents, but for us. There is plenty of room for the cousins (and the adults!) to hang out, play games, sit and talk with family, take a much-needed nap, go on walks “over the river and through the woods,” or (my personal favorite) simply sit by the fireplace and read.  Even when Jeff and I have a book or curriculum deadline (as we do right now!) this place is so restful.  As you may be able to sense from the pictures, it is truly a blessed retreat, in every sense of those words.

Yet everything changes. Ever since my dad’s scary stroke two and a half years ago, we’ve all known we were probably living on borrowed time here. It is simply getting harder and harder for Mom and Dad to maintain this place, even with getting local helpers to cut wood or drive the tractor to maintain the property. (When we can convince my little 90-lb mom to NOT haul logs in the tractor, that is!) And my brother and I live way too far away to help regularly – not to mention in an emergency. (I’m a 10 hour drive and he’s a 26-hour flight!) So my parents have put their beautiful home on the market and are planning to move to a retirement community near us in Atlanta.

We’ll be back here this summer helping them pack everything up… but this is the last Christmas.  

How does one say goodbye to a way of life? This is the only Christmas my kids have ever known.  My thoughts turn to Ecclesiastes: There is a time and a season for every purpose under heaven.  I suppose one says goodbye by focusing on the hello: welcoming a new stage, a new time, a new season. And by putting things in perspective. I think of those whose transitions to a new life were hard and brutal this Christmas: our dear friends who suddenly lost a wife and mom two weeks ago; those who got a dreaded diagnosis; my husband who for the first time can’t call his sweet elderly father to hear his voice on Christmas. By contrast, my bittersweet sadness is so minor. Especially because it is also filled with joy and memory. And that leads me to thoughts of gratitude: which is the main thing all of us should hold on to this holy season. No matter where we are.

Want to know how to be kind, when you really don’t want to be? Looking for encouragement for your marriage or parenting struggles? Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average, clueless people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This articles was first published at Patheos.

The post A Bittersweet Christmas appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

How to Love the Good Man You Actually Have, Not the Prince You Don’t

Yes, I’ve watched that ultimate wish-fulfillment holiday chick flick, A Christmas Prince. So has my teenage daughter. Six times. Netflix recently called out the many people who have watched it every day since it was released — and asked, “Who hurt you?”  

To the 53 people who’ve watched A Christmas Prince every day for the past 18 days: Who hurt you?

— Netflix US (@netflix) December 11, 2017

Even as I was snuggled on the couch on a cold winter’s day, watching the syrupy-sweet movie with my daughter (my first time, her fourth – yes, I know I was enabling her), I was thinking “This is so cheesy… why do I like it so much?” Whether you’re a multi-watcher of cheesy movies or a mocker of those who are…. why do those plot lines appeal to so many of us so much?  

It is because they call to our deeper desires. We all can fall into the trap of idolizing a fairytale romance, especially women. Which is one reason it can be so sneakily dangerous to our real relationships! It was interesting that when I was investigating what makes the happiest couples so happy, I learned some key tips to remember as you watch the next Hallmark movie.

1. Celebrate what your real-life man offers, rather than wishing he’d behave like a mythical one.

One of the most crucial secrets I discovered in my research was that the happiest couples have realistic expectations of their spouse. They are far less likely to be disappointed because they expect and celebrate what is within the realm of the possible. The hero of a Hallmark movie may eagerly talk with the protagonist about her feelings while decorating a Christmas tree … and recite poetry … then play her a special song on the piano … hold her hand as they look out into the snow and drink hot cocoa … but the average American male is far less likely to do one of those things, much less all of them!

The reason a real-life, smart, capable teenage girl or 40-year-old woman is drawn to multi-watch romantic movies is because it hits all her notes of being swept off her feet, and – even better – by a man who pursues her, is always understanding of her weaknesses at all times, always attentive, and always has that listening ear unconditionally.  And yet in real life, the man might be doubting himself, not sure what she wants from him, busy with work, and not knowing if she even wants to be pursued – and probably even has no idea how!

My husband would never do anything that sweet, we might think, as we watch the handsome prince go on romantic walks with the female protagonist.  In the snow. Around a castle.

Yet that silly passing thought when watching a movie, can turn into a seed of bitterness. Don’t let an over-the-top portrayal of the perfect sensitive man cloud your appreciation for your real-life husband.

2. Hang out — and have fun

Here’s an idea: try to watch these Hallmark-style movies WITH your spouse!

Now, guys, you may prefer the idea of having your toenails ripped out one by one, but giving it a try won’t kill you. Not only is it beneficial to spend time together (another secret to a happy marriage), but it can also spark conversations as you watch and laugh together. Ladies, share with your husband what appeals to you — or doesn’t appeal to you. Men, listen and engage with your wife. Laugh at the absurdity, and also explore the avenue toward real, authentic conversation.

3. Love the one you’re with

At the end of the day, your spouse is your spouse — for life. The happiest couples believe they hit the jackpot and treat their spouse accordingly. So your husband doesn’t own an inn in the charming town of Snow Falls, reaching out to the homeless and running charity auctions? So, what do you love about him? Take a page out of the 30-Day Kindness Challenge  and find something you can praise. Even the most difficult spouse has something admirable. Even the most difficult marriage has something to celebrate.

Watch Hallmark movies with a discerning eye and a gracious spirit toward the leading man (or lady) in your life, and you’ll enjoy all the cheese with none of the whine.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Want to know how to be kind, when you really don’t want to be? Looking for encouragement for your marriage or parenting struggles? Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average, clueless people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post How to Love the Good Man You Actually Have, Not the Prince You Don’t appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

The Most Important Gifts You Can Give This Season

It’s that time of year again. Black Friday. Cyber Monday. Only this many shopping days ‘til Christmas to buy those important gifts. Sale. Sale. Sale. And then you turn on the television and see those luxury car commercials. You know — the ones that show a sparkling new expensive car in the driveway with a humongous red bow and a blissful loved one.

First question: Who gives a car for Christmas?!

Second question: Even if you don’t give a car, do you sometimes fret and spend way too much angst and/or money trying to figure out the perfect gift?

Guilty.

Instead of investing all your time and money on stuff, plan to give something a little more personal, inexpensive, and powerfully transforming this year. As I was doing a whole study on kindness this past few years for The Kindness Challenge, I discovered that giving or sharing something precious to you is a particularly powerful way of sending a message of care to someone else. So, this Christmas, consider giving these three gifts that make a difference in any relationship — during and after the holidays.

Instead of investing all your time and money on stuff, plan to give something a little more personal, inexpensive, and powerfully transforming this year.
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Gift #1: Time 

The first gift on the list is time. What is more precious than that, these days? Seriously.  Think about it. We are all busy. Both you and the person you care for. Right? So gifting time (especially at this crazy time of year!) powerfully communicates respect, value, and affection for another person.

We are all busy. So giving time (especially at this crazy time of year!) powerfully communicates respect, value, and affection for another person.
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There are many ways to give time, but here are a few suggestions.

For spouses, if you want this to be an actual “I spent money on you” gift, show them you want to spend time with them by giving tickets to a special ballet, sporting event, concert or show that they have been wanting to see. So many people in the research have mentioned that a shared experience-related gift is special because it says, “I know you, what you care about … and I want to spend time with you.” For tighter budgets, a coupon book of walks, coffee dates, or going to a free museum show the same kind of love.

What about other ideas — including for other relationships, like family members, friends, or co-workers? A powerful gift of time could be as simple as setting aside time to listen to problems, offer advice, or even take them to lunch. It could mean turning completely away from your computer when your daughter comes into your home office and wonders when you can watch Frozen with her, or your son asks when you could play the new Xbox game with him. When you save what is on your screen, and say “What about now?” that is a very crucial message to your child (or spouse or parent) that in the middle of your time crunch, you are prioritizing them.

The couples I studied for The Kindness Challenge practiced this gift of time by rearranging their schedule to be more available for their spouse. And the impact is huge. In fact, for those who prioritize being more available to their partners, eighty-four percent report being happy in marriage.

For those who prioritize being more available to their partners, eighty-four percent report being happy in marriage.
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Women especially value time. In my book For Men Only, my research found 70 percent of married women essentially said they would give up financial security for more time with their husbands. Ultimately, a husband spending time at home with his family might be the best gift he could give during any season.

Ultimately, a husband spending time at home with his family might be the best gift he could give during any season.
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Gift #2: A Sacrifice of Comfort 

The second gift is a sacrifice of comfort. This is one that I found especially effective and evident in healthy couples. For instance, getting up to make and bring your spouse coffee in bed on a cooooold morning shows exceptional kindness! Volunteering to do the dishes when you yourself are also exhausted from work demonstrates true others-focused love. Try to do something like that at least two or three times each day when you are both particularly busy, and watch what happens!

Why is it so powerful? Because your spouse knows you are tired and busy too. During this time of year, when we are all running in 10 directions per day (heck, per hour, even!) your actions signal “I know you have a lot on your plate and I want to help you.”

Sacrificing comfort for others besides spouses speaks volumes as well. Staying late to help a co-worker with a problem will enhance that relationship. Shoveling the neighbor’s sidewalk shows great thoughtfulness amidst chilly discomfort. Any sacrifice of your own personal comfort for others conveys the kindheartedness that relationships need to flourish.

Any sacrifice of your own personal comfort for others conveys the kindheartedness that relationships need to flourish.
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Gift #3: Forgiveness

Finally, the third gift to better relationships is forgiveness. The world needs kindness and forgiveness now more than ever. I’m pretty sure that with the stress of the holidays, even if you have a great relationship you have probably gotten sideways with someone, snapped at your kids, or huffed at your spouse — or they snapped at you. Ask for forgiveness quickly, and give it quickly too. By choosing to neither be prideful or hold a grudge, we not only show kindness, we demonstrate to those around us exactly what the apostle Paul was talking about when he said, “be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.”

Forgiveness and kindness are interrelated. If you need to forgive someone, but find it difficult to start, intentional kindness like giving of your time and sacrificing comfort can help you begin. A dear friend of mine has a three-word mantra that sums up these simple steps. “Obedience precedes emotion.” You may not feel like forgiving (or asking for forgiveness), but as you do simple acts of kindness for the other person, your feelings will ultimately obey your actions.

You may not feel like forgiving (or asking for forgiveness), but as you do simple acts of kindness for the other person, your feelings will ultimately obey your actions.
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And here’s the awesome truth: ultimately, forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. You don’t want to be bound up with grudges at this time of year. Forgiveness will bring freedom from bitterness and expand your empathy and compassion for others. It allows your heart to love more easily.

Luxury cars — and all those presents under the tree — may look good, but the gifts of time, sacrifice of comfort, and forgiveness will last far longer and better your relationships for a lifetime.

Helping people thrive in life and relationships is Shaunti Feldhahn’s driving passion, supported by her research projects and writing. After starting out with a Harvard graduate degree and experience on Wall Street, her life took an unexpected shift into relationship research. She now is a popular speaker around the world and the author of best-selling books about men, women, and relationships. (Including For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage)

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, demonstrates that kindness is the answer to almost every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post The Most Important Gifts You Can Give This Season appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

What To Do When You Think Your Teen Has Lost the Faith

Your 15-year old son begins complaining about going to church on Saturday night and doesn’t quit even after you’ve forced him to go on Sunday morning. He’s always loved church and he has plenty of friends. You ask him to pray about it and he tells you matter-of-factly that he doesn’t even know if he believes God answers prayer. What’s happening? Is it time to panic?

This is definitely a subject that has worried many a parent over the years. Your sweet, church-loving child hits a certain age when suddenly he starts questioning everything your family believes in. But while this might look like (and certainly feel like!) rejection, it may not be. Something else very important may be going on – and it is also important to handle it correctly!

Here are some things you need to know when you’re worried about your teen’s faith:

Teens Need Their Beliefs to Be Their Own

I had the chance to interview and survey several thousand teens and pre-teens during the research for For Parents Only. And I heard them talk about what it feels like at this age to suddenly realize they are their own person and need to have their own beliefs, tastes, opinions and goals… but don’t know what those are yet! It’s a scary feeling!

Teens need their beliefs to be their own.
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Picture your teen or pre-teen as if they were made of Lego building blocks. Up to a certain age, every building block – every value, opinion, ideal – is something that you (and other influencers) have built into your son or daughter. But suddenly, they need to figure out who they are – which means they have to pull out each building block to figure out if they want it in their building!

What we found is that what looks like rejection (“I don’t think God really answers prayer”) may not actually be a statement of firm belief.  It may truly be a question in disguise. (“I’ve heard this my whole life and I know it is what my parents believe… but is it what I believe?”)

What looks like rejection of faith may not actually be a statement of firm belief. It may truly be a question in disguise.
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Stay Calm and Affirm On

Based on what the teens told me, here’s a crucial action step: No matter what your son or daughter says, don’t (in their words) “freak out.” If you want your teen to stay open and keep voicing their questions with you (rather than avoiding you), stay calm.

No matter what your son or daughter says, do not (in their words) freak out.
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Let me repeat that: Stay. Calm. I know that can be difficult (especially given what you might be hearing!) but the teens said it is a crucial step toward keeping the lines of communication open and keeping their heart soft toward what you have to say.  

Then affirm what you believe, but be very clear that you appreciate that they have to decide these things for themselves. (“Rob, you know we have seen God answer prayer many times, but it is important for you to ask these questions and I’m here if you want to talk about it.” Or “Abby, you know that we value spending time in worship together as a family. Let’s talk about how you’re struggling to connect in the service and maybe we can help.”)

Wait and Watch. And Pray!

Thankfully, we got a great surprise on the survey. It was clear that along with a desire for independence, the teens truly did have an underground desire to embrace the strongly held values and heritage of their family. If they respect you as their primary influencers (which the vast majority of kids do, even if they don’t look like it!) they care about the beliefs built into them by Mom and Dad. Especially for people of faith, we can hit our knees and pray for our children, knowing the that if we have brought them up in the way they are to go, once they are older they probably don’t want to depart from it.

Teens truly do have an underground desire to embrace the strongly held values and heritage of their family.
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Understanding all this will help you have a great discussion with your kids, and be there as a strong support for years to come. Relax and trust that by letting your children go through the questioning process, they are far more likely to come back to your core beliefs in the end.

Helping people thrive in life and relationships is Shaunti Feldhahn’s driving passion, supported by her research projects and writing. After starting out with a Harvard graduate degree and experience on Wall Street, her life took an unexpected shift into relationship research. She now is a popular speaker around the world and the author of best-selling books about men, women, and relationships. (Including For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage)

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, demonstrates that kindness is the answer to almost every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post What To Do When You Think Your Teen Has Lost the Faith appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

3 Things to Do When You’re Disappointed By Your Spouse

Someone came to me upset with her husband. I mean, really upset. After months of exhausting overtime work and a busy sports season with the kids, they had a day free for some much-needed time for just the two of them. The kids were going to a sleepover with friends, so the day (and night—wink, wink) was clear!

Her husband Dave was going to help his friend with a move for a few hours, then they were going for a long bike ride (a special thing they hadn’t done in a while), then have dinner at their favorite restaurant. She was even planning on a special “dessert” at home (ahem, another thing they hadn’t done in a while!). But Dave’s friend had a crisis and the move ended up taking all day, so there went the bike ride. By the time he got home, he fell asleep for a nap and she couldn’t wake him up for dinner. After how much they needed this break, she was furious that he didn’t care enough to ensure they got it. I could practically see the steam coming out of her ears!

Has something like this ever happened to you? Wait… why do I even need to ask? Of course it has! Every single one of us has been very disappointed by our spouse from time to time. Thankfully, it doesn’t have to be the end of the story! Before you escalate an argument over a failed night out (or a vacation turned sour or “you said you’d pick up the kids today!”), try practicing these three things:

Every single one of us has been very disappointed by our spouse from time to time. Thankfully, it doesn’t have to be the end of the story.
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#1 Put yourself in their shoes—just for a moment

While it’s completely okay to be disappointed, I encouraged this woman to try to look over the day from his point of view before she assumed he didn’t care. Might it be that he wasn’t simply ignoring a much-needed opportunity to be together? Might it be that he wasn’t being a jerk and not caring enough? Instead, could it be that the months of overtime and a long move took a toll, and he was just wiped out?

Granted, he didn’t pick the best time to catch up on his sleep, but chances are that he was looking forward to the bike ride and the night out as much as she was. Keep in mind, too, that he was helping a buddy move, not out carousing on the town. It is totally understandable that she would want him to spend his precious, non-overtime hours on her, but it is also worth acknowledging that he was doing something generous for someone else. In other words – he sounds like a generous man. Perhaps she could decide to be generous, too. Which leads to our second point.

#2 Look for the most generous explanation possible

Whenever we’re disappointed by our spouse, it’s essential to look for the more generous explanation and act as if that is the real one – because it probably is. In my research for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, the happiest spouses refused to believe the worst of their mate’s intentions, even when they were legitimately, truly hurt. If we think, “He knew how that would make me feel, and he did it anyway,” that translates to “he doesn’t care” and it’s downhill from there. But changing our assumption to “I know he loves me; he must not have known how that would make me feel,” or “this was just a really hard day, and he’s disappointed too,” will make everything about our response different.

Whenever we’re disappointed by our spouse, it’s essential to look for the more generous explanation and act as if that is the real one – because it probably is.
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And thankfully, that is not just wishful thinking! More than 99 percent of people deeply care about their spouse! Even in struggling marriages, they care. Yet a huge reason why they struggle is that one or both partners don’t believe that fact.

More than 99 percent of people deeply care about their spouse! Even in struggling marriages, they care.
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#3 Talk it through—but assume the best, first

Going back to the fuming wife, she can address this with her husband—and definitely should address it if it’s become a pattern with him. But she should do it from the assumption that he wants time with her, just as much as she does with him. Assume that he wants to make her happy, rather than he just doesn’t care. That will undoubtedly change how she speaks to him – and how he responds.

My recommendation for this particular couple? Perhaps it’s time for them to call a truce, ask for and offer forgiveness, book that sitter. . . and maybe plan that dessert after all.

Want to know how to be kind, when you really don’t want to be? Looking for encouragement for your marriage or parenting struggles? Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average, clueless people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post 3 Things to Do When You’re Disappointed By Your Spouse appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

What Men Think About #MeToo: The Top 6 Reactions

Suddenly, the lights turned on. Sexual harassment has always been there, in the shadowy corners of Hollywood and corporate America. Many people talk about honoring women yet have long excused (or winked at) abusive behavior.  But the Harvey Weinstein case flipped a switch. Suddenly: klieg lights. Suddenly: people are actually losing their jobs.

Wow.  

This is a sea change for our culture. This is a moment. And as a social researcher (who for 15 years has been hearing the innermost things people think but rarely say) I wanted to know what folks’ private thoughts were about this.  

I generally know what women think (a combination of relief, giddiness, and serves you right). But I was particularly curious what men think about the #MeToo tsunami.

Here’s what I found.

Thought #1: I had no idea

I interviewed three men in an airport a few days ago. They were tired after a long day at a board meeting and eating a hasty Chinese food dinner before catching flights home to Seattle, Dallas, and Atlanta.  Their top reaction matches the top reaction of nearly every other man I’ve interviewed: I had no idea.  I had no idea it was this pervasive.  I had no idea you as women had to deal with this so consistently.  I feel so bad.

Not long after the #MeToo movement started, one man told me, “I think my female co-workers have tried to tell me about stuff that happened in other jobs, but I just assumed it was isolated. Sort of the same thing you’d feel if someone told you they got hit by a car. ‘Oh that must have been so painful. Glad that doesn’t happen very often!’”  

As one of the airport road warriors put it, “I’m still trying to figure out how to wrap my head around the fact that there’s been this whole parallel reality that I knew nothing about.”

Thought #2: So now I’m angry — and I’m glad I have permission to say something about it

One thing I learned about men during the For Women Only research study, is that most men have a deep compulsion to provide for and protect those they care about.   While most of that compulsion goes toward providing for and protecting their family (71% of men say it that is always or often on their mindd, in case you’re curious), that same instinct wants to protect all those who are more vulnerable.  Which is what makes this doubly galling for all the good guys out there.  Women were being hurt right under their noses: and because they had no idea (or didn’t realize what a big deal it was), they failed to protect them.

Many of the men I spoke to were angry. Not in a “I’m going to go all Braveheart on you” sort of way, but in a quieter, simmering, “I’m now going to be on the lookout for this” sort of way. There was a sense of purpose: that if they saw it now, at least they could do something about it.

Thought #3: Shame

A lot of men have realized they’ve seen truly abusive behavior right in front of their eyes and downplayed or discounted it as no big deal. Like seeing one gregarious, raunchy boss who regularly did things like look at a news article about safe sex and joke to the gang – including the one woman – that having safe sex meant providing kneepads. Seeing… and never saying anything about it.

These men are now reckoning with the reality that what they personally observed (or heard about) was not just a coarse, unprofessional approach but in some cases true abuse. That over time those behaviors have real consequences for a woman’s thoughts, fears, worries, and even job prospects. That by downplaying it they failed to protect women who needed it (per Thought #2).  

Many of these men are doing some soul searching. How could I ever have thought that it was not that big of a deal?  They ask themselves. How could I have ever thought the woman should have to be the one to just ignore it or brush it off? Would I want some guy saying that stuff around my daughter? Would I want my wife to have to play along in order to not rock the boat? Would I want my daughter’s colleagues to excuse it just because its always been that way?

Famed director Quentin Tarantino, who worked with Harvey Weinstein on nearly all his films, had a telling mea culpa in a New York Times interview.  He said he had heard the rumors that Weinstein was a bit lecherous, but “I chalked it up to a ’50s-’60s era image of a boss chasing a secretary around the desk… As if that’s O.K. That’s the egg on my face right now.”

Thought #4: Who’s next? I’ll bet there are some men quaking in their boots right now.

The question that many of us are asking — “Who’s next? Which domino will be the next to fall?” — is definitely in the minds of the average guy. And just like with women I talk to, I hear a savage satisfaction from men in knowing there are some abusers out there who are going to their jobs every day, wondering whether or when they will be reported for previous actions.

One guy put it well. “It’s the same thing that you feel when the bad guy gets it at the end of the movie. If I was working in a corporate environment, and I had a skeleton in my past, I’d be living with a lot of looking over my shoulder.”

After all, the first punishment of the guilty mind is waiting to be found out.

Thought #5: But this means I have to restrain genuine affection for, respect for, and togetherness with female colleagues

There’s an inevitable downside to any good movement, and this is it for this one.  Nearly all the men mentioned this concern.  A single law partner who is genuinely interested in exploring a personal relationship with a junior associate is going to hold himself back. She might be sensing some attraction and hoping he’ll reach out, but if she’s junior, she sure won’t say anything – and now he might not either.  An honorable man who would otherwise suggest that a female colleague join him to close the Boston deal is going to think twice.  After all, it will only be the two of them in the hotel.  And forget those genuine but platonic workplace hugs.  

As one guy ruefully put it, “It’s the law of unintended consequences.  The course correction needs to happen, but I worry that the men who care the most – who already were being careful – are the ones likely to hold themselves back even more!  And that could drain away the feeling of camaraderie at work.  I hope the pendulum doesn’t swing too far.”

Thought #6: Finally, the good guys win… or at least aren’t losing

And finally, I’m also hearing an interesting, very private thought from many of these men.  If they have not played it fast and loose over the years, if they have tried to be honorable, if they have been respectful of women … they have often watched men who did the opposite rocket past them in their careers.  So as one man put it, “I am all for this moment in history.  I think it is grand. Because it feels like, for once, the good guys aren’t losing.  So many of the bad guys got ahead by disregarding the right thing in a lot of ways.  By trying to be straight up, a lot of good men got sidelined.  But now, finally, there’s a cost to the wrong attitude.”

Another had a more personal observation, “I hope you can share that there are a lot of men who try to honor our wives, and women in general. We take that seriously. We may not be getting recognition for that.  We may have done poorly in comparison to other guys because we wouldn’t join the locker-room crowd. But that’s okay. I love that I can go to sleep at night with a clear conscience.”  

Want to know how to be kind, when you really don’t want to be? Looking for encouragement for your marriage or parenting struggles? Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average, clueless people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post What Men Think About #MeToo: The Top 6 Reactions appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Second marriages: 3 things you need to know

People come up to me all the time after I speak at conferences to tell me about their relationships—especially when I have mentioned re-marriage. Women who have been divorced tell me that despite being in a loving, supportive relationship with a man who wants to marry them, they’ve heard 60 percent of second marriages fail. Some of them are gun-shy; others aren’t sure they should fully trust and combine bank accounts. (‘Just in case, you know?’). And because I spent eight years investigating the complex world of marriage and divorce data, those reactions make me so sad! I want to share the truth about those ugly statistics and “facts.” Is it really true that such a large percentage of second marriages end in divorce? The answer is a resounding NO!

Is it really true that such a large percentage of second marriages end in divorce? The answer is a resounding NO!
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Read on for 3 things you need to know if you’re considering a second marriage:

1. The Re-marriage Divorce Rate is an Urban Legend

I discovered that the sources routinely quoted for the “60/70 percent of second marriages end in divorce” stat don’t exist. The truth isn’t perfect, but it is much better: according to the Census Bureau (2009), 65 percent of women are still married to their second spouse—and the 35 percent who aren’t, includes widows! So, when you really boil it down, probably closer to 30 percent of second marriages have ended in divorce.

According to the Census Bureau (2009), 65 percent of women are still married to their second spouse—and the 35 percent who aren’t, includes widows!
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Of course, any amount of divorce is too high, but you need to shift your thinking to realize that if you’re entering into a second marriage, it would be unusual if you didn’t make it. (If you want to a simple look at the real stats, see The Good News About Marriage.)

2. Don’t Create a Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

So, you’re considering marrying again. You know those actions you’re thinking of taking to protect yourself and your kids? You know how you’re tempted to hold back emotionally, just a bit? Or how easy it is to subconsciously keep an eye out for signs that it might all go wrong? Don’t. Don’t do those things. Don’t hold back, be ultra-watchful, or make those “just in case” plans. I know it is so natural to do things like keep the little bank account on the side. And we can so easily tell ourselves those are the “wise” actions to take for the kids. But in my research with thousands of men and women over twelve years, especially to uncover the secrets of the happiest marriages, it is clear that those protective actions are actually the most foolish things you can do because they build a wall between you and your spouse. They create a lack of trust. When you’ve been burned before, they seem only prudent – but in reality, they often create the very problems you’re trying to protect yourself from.

3. Invest in What Makes Relationships Successful

If you decide this man is someone you can trust and respect enough to marry – decide to truly be married. Let your guard down and be fully vulnerable with each other—not just emotionally but physically and financially. Give each other access to all bank accounts. Let him know your passwords, and learn his. Tell each other that text messages and emails are open for reading anytime, if desired. And share life with each other, first and foremost, instead of insisting on prioritizing unhealthy old friendships as a way to preserve a little bit of yourself if it all goes wrong.

Marriage can only be the abundant union it was designed to be if you go all-in, bond with your spouse, and fully commit to life, no matter what. This means being completely vulnerable and risking everything, instead of trying to protect yourself. If you make this choice, I think you’ll not only be surprised but delighted to find that taking what seems like a big risk will instead give you the greatest security.

Marriage can only be the abundant union it was designed to be if you go all-in, bond with your spouse, and fully commit to life, no matter what.
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Want to know how to be kind, when you really don’t want to be? Looking for encouragement for your marriage or parenting struggles? Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average, clueless people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post Second marriages: 3 things you need to know appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

How to Avoid Emotional Collisions with your Male Co-Workers

Say you just got out of a big meeting where one of your male co-workers got frustrated with you and you had no idea why. It all started in the middle of a meeting where your team was trying to land a big contract, and he was presenting his strategy to the group and your boss. A couple of times, you politely asked why he came to a particular decision and if he could explain it. Of course, you felt like everyone would benefit from the clarification. But the last time you asked why he did something, he bluntly cut you off! How rude, right? You felt embarrassed in front of the group — just for doing the right thing and trying to get clarity. So now both of you are ticked off. Sound familiar?

What was going on? Well, let me put it to you this way: How would you feel if I rolled my eyes at you right now after hearing about what happened? Embarrassed, challenged, demeaned? Well, that’s pretty much what your co-worker felt. Because in his mind, believe it or not, you weren’t asking a question for clarification purposes-you were challenging him about his reasoning in front of not only the team but (ahem) his boss. As much as I want to be all girl-power, the fact is, in the above scenario, you sent a damaging signal without realizing it.

Now, of course, your colleague was in the wrong to snap at you in front of the team, too! But since you can only work on yourself, and if you want a good go-forward relationship, it will help to understand a few key ways men are wired. This will help you to see how a guy (not just your co-worker but many of the other guys in the room) probably perceives that type of situation — and what to do about it.

Men look one way on the outside but feel another way on the inside

You see, in every area of life, men look confident but doubt themselves on the inside. Actually, in my research with male professionals for The Male Factor, three out of four said that their confident exterior is just hiding what they described as an “impostor complex.” Inside is this feeling: I want to do a great job at this… but someone is going to discover that I don’t know what the heck I’m doing.

Men look confident but doubt themselves on the inside.
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So, while your colleague is standing at the whiteboard presenting his reasoning and strategy, he’s got all this unseen self-doubt under the surface. Now, picture what is likely going on internally when you raise your hand and ask: “Dave, why did you come to that decision?” The guy is likely thinking, I can’t believe she is challenging me in front of the whole team. Instead of viewing you as someone simply gathering information, he sees you as someone who is doubting his decision-making skills in front of his peers. And boss. That certainly was not your intention at all but that’s how it was perceived.

The tone of your voice and the way you phrase something can either help or hurt you when you’re communicating

You may think that this guy is being incredibly oversensitive. But we found that more than 8 in 10 men had this same sensitivity! In other words…maybe it isn’t ‘over’-sensitivity after all.

You’ll be amazed at the difference that will occur if you simply ask the same question in a different way. “Dave, help me understand how you came to this particular decision; I’m still not clear on it.” That is important for asking questions of either men or women in front of a group, by the way. It is seen as expressing confidence that, “I know you have thought this through and have a reason for this,” and thus is seen as truly just asking for more information.

Never underestimate the power of a sincere apology

If you want to fix your relationship with your male colleague, it might help to go into his office tomorrow and find an excuse to say “Great job on the presentation yesterday. Hey, I apologize if it seemed like I was challenging you. I truly was just trying to understand but perhaps I should have handled it differently.” You may even want to look for an opportunity in the next group meeting to oh-so-casually talk about something your colleague did really well.

Never underestimate the power of a sincere apology.
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That may seem like overkill. But trust me: a little genuine affirmation will help pave the way to smoother work (and personal) relationships.

Genuine affirmation will help pave the way to smoother work (and personal) relationships.
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Helping people thrive in life and relationships is Shaunti Feldhahn’s driving passion, supported by her research projects and writing. After starting out with a Harvard graduate degree and experience on Wall Street, her life took an unexpected shift into relationship research. She now is a popular speaker around the world and the author of best-selling books about men, women, and relationships. (Including For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage)

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, demonstrates that kindness is the answer to almost every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post How to Avoid Emotional Collisions with your Male Co-Workers appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

The Secret to Enjoying a Conflict-Free Holiday

“Let It Go” is more than a Frozen anthem for the pre-school set. It’s also a hard-core success strategy for giving yourself — and those around you — a truly happy holiday, from Thanksgiving preparations through New Year’s Day (and the rest of the year). I saw the power of a few of these little actions in the research for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, and The Kindness Challenge, but it applies to all sorts of situations. Especially during the Christmas and New Year season, you’ll be shocked at the difference if you say and do these four things.

1. “It doesn’t have to be done my way.” I know I lose many of us right off the bat with that one! At every family gathering, we want things to be so special. So we have a vision in our heads for the way we want the lights to be hung, the office party to work, the food to be cooked. But sometimes that means we push ourselves and those around us to do things in a certain way… and at some point it becomes work and frustration. Which means it ceases to be special. In those cases, let go of your notions of “right,” back off your vision, and reap the benefits in more fun for everyone.

2. “I’m going to let myself sit down and enjoy this.” Yes, there’s work to be done. And very often, you can do it later. Don’t miss your niece excitedly sharing a long story about the play she’s in at her school, or miss a simple coffee with friends, just because you have ten things on your to-do list for the New Year’s party. Tell yourself that you don’t always have to be the responsible grown-up at every moment.

3. “Let’s simplify.” Let go of the fourteen things you could be doing, and enjoy the five that you do. On days off of work and school, give yourself permission to just “lie around” and read a book or watch a movie without feeling like you have to be “doing something.” Unless you and everyone around you enjoys a constant whirlwind (which, to be fair, some people do!) do not overschedule. You may have a Christmas Eve tradition of Christmas caroling and a visit to the neighborhood party and driving around and seeing the lights… but maybe this year you do one of those each day, instead of three per day. Maybe you say “This year, the Christmas tree is going to have just lights and tinsel instead of all the ornaments.”  Maybe you turn the family Christmas update letter into a January update. When you start to say, “But…but…!” tell yourself, “Let it go.”

4. “I’m not going to let that get to me.” For many folks, the holidays mean extended time with family members who push all their buttons.  And having those buttons pushed is one of the quickest ways to get stressed and not enjoy the holiday! Solution? Decide in advance that no matter what Uncle Joe says about your cooking or what your step-mom says about politics, that you are going to smile, shrug it off, and not let it bug you. There are many ways to do this (for example, “Sally, I think we’re just going to have to disagree”) but the bottom line with all of them is that you’re refusing to give someone else control over your peace of mind. As one of my friends puts it, “I’m not going to let him bust my peace.”

Peace. Joy. Family. Friends. Don’t miss what matters most because of holding on to those things that are less important. Let it go. And you’ll enjoy this season so much more!

Helping people thrive in life and relationships is Shaunti Feldhahn’s driving passion, supported by her research projects and writing. After starting out with a Harvard graduate degree and experience on Wall Street, her life took an unexpected shift into relationship research. She now is a popular speaker around the world and the author of best-selling books about men, women, and relationships. (Including For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage)

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, demonstrates that kindness is the answer to almost every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post The Secret to Enjoying a Conflict-Free Holiday appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

5 Steps to Make Your Marriage Explode (in a Good Way!)

Back in the day, I was an analyst on Wall Street. In the world of finance, there are all sorts of sexy, exotic ways to earn and save extra money, but one of the most proven methods is also the most basic: a phenomenon known as compound interest. Dave Ramsey calls it a “mathematical explosion.” If you invest money, you receive the return back with the interest earned. If you then reinvest that return, you earn interest on the interest. Mathematical explosion…boom!

It turns out, we can do the same thing in marriage. Over the course of several research studies, we discovered a few specific ways to “invest” in marriage that deliver compound results—results that end up being far sexier than you might expect. (And yes, one of them involves sex!)

Whether you’re in a great place in your marriage or are really discouraged and barely hanging on, try these five steps and watch your marriage respond in an explosive way.

Step 1: Assume the best of your spouse’s intentions toward you

Straight up, assume that your spouse cares for you, and doesn’t mean to hurt you. In my research for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, this one habit was clearly the most important for those who want a happy marriage.

Assume that your spouse cares for you, and doesn’t mean to hurt you.
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When your spouse hurts your feelings (since we will all hurt each other’s feelings from time to time!) don’t assume “he doesn’t care” or “I’ll never be able to please her.” Instead, assume the best of your spouse’s intentions toward you: in other words, that your spouse really does love you, respect you, and wants the best for you. In my research, more than 99% of people cared about their mates — and the number was almost the same even among the most struggling couples! (97 percent.) In fact, out of the 1,261 people officially surveyed, only nine people said they no longer cared. Not 9 percent but nine people! Even the best among us can be a jerk sometimes, but it doesn’t mean we’ve stopped caring.

So, the next time your husband is late for a big dinner (when he knows how important it is) or your wife forgets to take her car in to the shop (when she knows that that means you’ll have to miss the football game to do it yourself), remember this step. It is fine to acknowledge being disappointed. But absolutely stop yourself from thinking “he/she doesn’t care about me.” Instead, remember that because they do care they are not intentionally trying to disappoint you or selfishly exploit you.

By choosing to respond as if the most generous explanation is the true one, you will find that it is suddenly easier to respond well. The choice to believe in your spouse’s goodwill may start out being difficult, but you’ll also find that it quickly becomes natural.

Step 2: Learnt little things that most hurt or heal your spouse’s feelings — not yours.

I spoke at a women’s lunch yesterday and shared a few truths about men and relationships that women tend to not realize. And in the book signing line afterward I heard, yet again, from a sweet single mom, the saddest thing I routinely hear: “If I had known just a few of these things two years ago, I wouldn’t be divorced right now.”

There are so many marriages that are suffering from something as tragically stupid as a lack of a little information: especially about what most hurts or heals the feelings of the opposite sex. And gaining just a little new knowledge about those things that hurt or heal our mate’s feelings are often life-changing!

Gainingknowledge about what hurts or heals our mate’s feelings is often life-changing.
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For example, ladies, we don’t realize that men look all strong and confident – and can be absolutely crushed by what seem like minor words of criticism that we toss out without thinking. (“I can’t believe you forgot to give Parker his lunch box for school today!” “Did you even look at how wrinkled the clothes were getting when you crammed them in the drawers?”) Why? Because unlike us, men live with a deep-seated doubt about whether they measure up. Feeling inadequate is, statistically, the most painful feeling a man can feel. Those sorts of off-the-cuff statements wouldn’t bother us in quite the same way, so we simply don’t realize how much they hurt his feelings—or how often we say them.

On the other hand, men, you can crush your wife without realizing it, by (for example) working a gazillion hours to provide for your family and not realizing that, statistically, your wife would probably trade off the extra money and extra stuff if it just meant she could get more of you. Instead, you sacrifice going to Parker’s soccer games to provide more for the family—and don’t see how deeply your constant absences hurt her heart.

Once we learn what matters most – not to us but to our spouse – suddenly we will see every day how a few simple changes will make a big difference. (I don’t want to make this a commercial, but truly, the simple information in For Women Only and For Men Only is often enough all on its own.)

Step 3: Be the first one to change

Now that you are assuming the best in your spouse and willing to learn, stop waiting around! You be the change agent! Don’t say to yourself, “I’ll do my part once he does his,” or, “I’ll stop being distant once she apologizes.” Because if you wait, that means you’ll be actively withholding the words or actions of affection or appreciation that will end up making all the difference!

And doing those things actively changes how you see your marriage. In my most recent research project, on the 30-Day Kindness Challenge, I found that when you purposefully look for the good in your spouse and applaud it daily, the most important and immediate change you’ll see will be in you. You will see “applause-worthy” things you simply never noticed before—which makes you like your spouse more! Which then makes continuing the change easier and easier over time.

Look for the good in your spouse and applaud it daily.
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So today leave a note on the mirror letting your husband know you’re wishing him luck on that construction deal, and that you’re proud of him. Or tell your wife how nice she looks when she comes down the stairs ready for work. Your perception of your spouse will become more positive the more you act loving first — and keep it going, regardless of whether it is reciprocated.

Step 4: Prioritize sex

Here’s that topic I promised. Many different research studies — both my own and those of other researchers — have found that one of the most crucial little things a couple can do to strengthen their marriage is to connect in sexual intimacy on a regular basis.

To strengthen a marriage, connect with sexual intimacy on a regular basis.
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It is very easy to let sex go, or even actively avoid it, when we are busy, stretched, or at odds with one another. And yet that creates a negative spiral. Because as I discuss elsewhere, our desire for sex (especially among women) actually decreases as we stop having it. Which leaves this absolutely crucial type of marital connection and intimacy something that can feel like a chore or even a selfish demand. And yet as we make sexual connection a priority (ideally once a week or more), science has found that we will want sex more, and it will become a positive spiral instead.

Step 5: Watch for and build on any dividends you see from your spouse

Now it’s time to reinvest those dividends! When you are assuming the best in your spouse and working on the things you can do, you are showing one-sided kindness toward your spouse. And in almost 15 years of research, I’ve found that kindness really is a superpower. It is supernatural and transformational. So statistically, at some point in your one-sided effort you will start to see improvement. Not only will you begin to change the way you see your spouse but your spouse will begin to change as well.

So, keep a sharp lookout for anything different. When you begin to see a tiny spark of something new and positive from your spouse, love and honor them even more. Respond positively to that spark! It means an explosion is on the horizon.

When you see something new & positive from your spouse, love & honor them even more.
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Helping people thrive in life and relationships is Shaunti Feldhahn’s driving passion, supported by her research projects and writing. After starting out with a Harvard graduate degree and experience on Wall Street, her life took an unexpected shift into relationship research. She now is a popular speaker around the world and the author of best-selling books about men, women, and relationships. (Including For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage)

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, demonstrates that kindness is the answer to almost every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post 5 Steps to Make Your Marriage Explode (in a Good Way!) appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.