Shaunti Feldhahn's Blog, page 49

How Healthy He Is Matters to Her

I don’t think there are many who would be surprised to hear that in my interviews and surveys with over 1,000 men for my book For Women Only, men emphatically stated that it had an emotional impact to see that their wife was making an effort to take care of herself for him.

It makes a guy feel loved because she obviously wants to be attractive to him. They don’t expect their wives to look like supermodels, but the care and effort makes them feel loved – and helps in fighting off the many visual challenges they face in their thought life every day.

But what guys may not realize is that even though women aren’t as “visual” as men are, the effort they put into taking care of themselves and being healthy has a huge impact on women. I know from my research that every man wants to feel desired by his wife – and that feeling desired gives them confidence in every other area of their life.

This is a bit awkward to talk about but in my women’s conferences there have been a lot of women who say, “Doesn’t he get it? That it’s hard to find him desirable when HE doesn’t take care of himself?” Or, even more commonly, “Doesn’t he understand how important it is to me that he stays healthy so I have the security that he is going to be around for a long time and we can grow old together?”

Jeff agrees and says “If we want our wives to find us desirable and provide them security that means we have to make the effort to take care of ourselves too. Most guys wish their wives would be more receptive to their physical advances and more passionate in the bedroom. In our interviews and surveys of women, many of them have privately said, “You know, it’s hard to be receptive and passionate towards a guy with a two-day-old beard and garlic breath!”

And the bigger health issues matter even more – and it’s not just about working out to stay in shape. Believe it or not, women actually feel more love and desire toward a guy who will actually go to the doctor when something seems wrong rather than being stubborn about it!

Guys may not realize it, but when they’re in front of the TV multiple nights in a row with their hand in a package of Oreos, it can register in a woman’s heart as, “It must not matter to him how much I need him.”

And one last plea to our guys: realize that most women are very sensitive about looking good for you, and if she is trying to get in shape or lose weight, it is so much easier if you care about it to. If you will lend her encouragement by using her initiative as a chance to join in, and avoid bringing the junk food into the house it will make her feel really loved.

What’s amazing is that God can use this as such an encouragement to both of you – seeing the other person making the effort to care for themselves—knowing it will benefit their mate. What a great way to be there for our spouse—now and for a very long time to come!

Want to know how to be kind, when you really don’t want to be? My research uncovered three daily actions that will transform your relationships – and you. Check out The Kindness Challenge, now available!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average, clueless people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post How Healthy He Is Matters to Her appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Want More Romance? The 4 Things That Should Be On Your “Don’t Do” List

Who doesn’t love a good “To Do” list? I make them for everything…chores around the house, work related projects, doctor’s appointments — even things to put on future “To Do” lists! (Yes, I know that is a bit OCD…)

But what about a “Don’t Do” list? (I vote for “Don’t clean the toilets” on mine!)

Actually, it turns out: there is great value in tracking things we shouldn’t be doing.

In researching men for For Women Only, I discovered that if we want romance (and who doesn’t?!) there are some specific things we must add to our “Don’t Do” list. So if you want your man to be romantic, to surprise you with sweet gestures, flowers or a nice dinner, to notice your new outfit and say “wow, you look beautiful”, or to allow you to capture his attention away from the college football game, then do not do these four things!

Don’t try to control the process.

Yes, I know it is hard to not drop hints and press. But we heard from many guys that they are motivated by trying to make you happy (and thus by seeing what made you happy before) but not by you trying to push them.

Your man wants to be your hero – not the one who is just doing what he is told.

So merely mention how much you have loved something he did in the past. (“Remember when I got that big account, how you decided to leave work early and take me out to dinner to celebrate? That was so much fun.”) Then let it go, and give your man time and space to come up with romantic ideas and plan things on his own. Let him initiate and follow through with his own style and personality, rather than dropping heavy hints or manipulate him into trying to do something at which he is worried he will fail. Yes, your anniversary might fall at the peak of his work season and go without as much fanfare as you hoped for. But flowers on a different random evening “just because” might be the loveliest moment of your week.

Don’t fail to notice what he DOES do — including what you might not have seen as “romance” before

One of the biggest mistakes we women make in romance is having too narrow a definition of it! We found in the For Women Only research that the majority of men see anything that is the two of you, together, as romance. Hiking, wandering the aisles at Home Depot, joining him to golf or to fish or to watch the dogs run around on Saturday morning, just to be together. All that makes him feel so close to you. Does he love it when you sit up close beside him on the couch to watch basketball together? That’s romance!

Tweet this: Men see anything that is the two of you, together, as romance.

So especially when he does something, notice and be excited about what he does, even if it doesn’t fit your idea of romance. Take him up on the idea of driving around to Ikea or Lowe’s or Costco to looking for a new patio chair set, and enjoy the time! Trust me… you’ll start seeing a LOT of things you never before realized were signals of his desire to be with you!

Don’t rib him if something goes wrong – or it wasn’t quite right.

As he takes the initiative to pursue romance with you, it probably won’t all be smooth sailing. At some point, something’s bound to go wrong. A planned breakfast burns on the stove. You show up at the restaurant and it’s closed. The sweater is the wrong size. Whatever the complication, take it in stride and go graciously to Plan B, and tell him he’s awesome. He tried, and that’s what counts. Realize: he will already be feeling like a big, fat failure for not checking the restaurant times or the cooking temperature. So skip the “funny” sarcasm or the jokes with your friends about the burned egg casserole, and only joke about it if he does. (Because laughing together over a humorous situation can turn a fumble into a silly, sweet memory.)

Now, guys also told me they didn’t mind feedback … if it was helpful (“Well, I loved being with you, but I guess I just don’t like watching golf as much as I like watching basketball”)… and if it came days later after he has notched up a success you’ve celebrated.

Don’t forget to show appreciation for his efforts.

Use positive affirmation to show your man that his romantic efforts — whatever they looked like — were worth it. Life moves quickly, and it’s easy to jump right into the next activity, but don’t neglect the important step of telling him that he was awesome. Because if you skip the appreciation, he is likely to default to thinking he didn’t please you… and he may skip the romantic effort the next time!

Tweet this: Saying thank you to a man is the equivalent of saying I love you to a woman.

Your man wants to make you happy. He wants you to know you’re loved. So be mindful of your “To Do” and your “Don’t Do” lists when it comes to romance. I promise he’ll be inspired to keep sharing his heart with you. And maybe, just maybe, he’ll clean those toilets for you.

Helping people thrive in life and relationships is Shaunti Feldhahn’s driving passion, supported by her research projects and writing. After starting out with a Harvard graduate degree and experience on Wall Street, her life took an unexpected shift into relationship research. She now is a popular speaker around the world and the author of best-selling books about men, women, and relationships. (Including For Men Only, and the groundbreaking Shaunti Feldhahn.

Kiss and Make Up? Not So Fast.

So, guys, you’ve just had a big fight with your wife and now you’re ready to cool off and mend the relationship. What better way to make up than to spend a little intimate time together, right?

Just one little problem, though: physical intimacy is the farthest thing from her mind. What’s the deal?

For a woman, physical intimacy isn’t usually the solution to a problem, but rather, evidence that the problem has been resolved. In fact, rather than bridging the gap of emotional distance, it can actually make the problem worse. While physical intimacy helps a man to feel close to his wife, women are just the opposite. Women have to feel close in order to want to be intimate.

Through researching my book For Women Only, I began to understand that physical intimacy plays a huge role in how men feel about themselves. But when my husband Jeff and I surveyed thousands of women for our book For Men Only, we found that a woman’s desire is directly tied into the way her husband treats her. Her body’s ability to respond to you physically is tied to how she feels about you emotionally.

In other words, if your wife is feeling distanced from you emotionally — if you haven’t been talking much, or if you two are at odds — her body probably won’t be able to respond to you. So even though you may greatly desire closeness — even if, say, harsh words were spoken between you — her physical response switch might be turned to “off”.

Feeling and building everyday closeness with your wife is a must, but exactly what does that entail? We women need to feel pursued and loved outside the bedroom just as a guy needs to feel physically desired by his wife inside the bedroom.

Guys, physical intimacy starts in her heart, so your focus really needs to be on filling her emotional bank account. Think about what you did while you were dating that made her think you were irresistible. It wasn’t just about arranging the big candlelight dinners, was it? I’m guessing you invited her over to watch a movie, cuddle on the couch, and share some popcorn. Maybe you wrote her a little note from time to time telling her you were thinking about her. Why not do that now?

She still needs to know that you are smitten with her, so pursue her and help her feel close to you outside of physically intimate moments. She wants to feel as though you are best friends, that you can talk about anything, and that there are no secrets between you. All of these things help her feel close to you and help her mentally prepare to be physically intimate.

Now, just a quick warning: don’t let physical intimacy be your main intention for creating this day-to-day closeness — your wife will see right through this. Instead, remember to be attentive even when intimacy isn’t an option. Sometimes, hug her just to hug her!

So even though you may be craving physical closeness after an intense talk or an argument, keep in mind that your wife needs to have some emotional recuperation time.

Attend to your wife’s heart by pursuing her outside of the bedroom, and I’ll bet you’ll be delighted by her reaction!

Want to know how to be kind, when you really don’t want to be? My research uncovered three daily actions that will transform your relationships – and you. Check out The Kindness Challenge, now available!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average, clueless people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post Kiss and Make Up? Not So Fast. appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Wives, Fill Up Your Husband’s Mental Instagram

Dear Shaunti:

I read your book, For Women Only, and one thing you said scared me. You explained how men can’t not notice a woman with a good figure, but that many men try to look away so they don’t start lusting after every hot chick they see. Since I read that, whenever we’re walking around in public, I’ve been much more aware of what is “out there.” And now I realize there are provocative images everywhere. I can actually tell my husband is trying to fight the urge to look. You say guys have a mental Rolodex of images they’ve seen, so now I’m also worrying what my husband is really thinking about when we’re intimate.

There’s got to be something I can do to help him, and to help me not freak out about this, but I don’t know what. I don’t want to be paranoid. Help me, before I insist on our family moving to an Amish homestead.

-Worried Wife

Dear Worried Wife:

Yes, unfortunately, there’s plenty to look at. I realized the other day that the girls in the mall weren’t wearing jeans shorts. They were wearing denim underwear, artfully designed so their butt would hang out. Oy.

It would be easy to get paranoid, but honestly… it sounds like you have a good man there. I explained in the book how the male brain gets activated by those sights, and how easy it is for a guy to want to drink in those images and store them all up in his mental photo files to think about later. (We used to call it a mental Rolodex, but then we realized that anyone under the age of 30 had no idea what a Rolodex was!) I’m glad you notice that your husband is fighting that urge and trying to look away. Whenever you start to freak out, realize this one thing: in fighting his urge to look, he is trying to honor you.

You ask what you can do, and there is an action you can take that will help make the fight a little less fearsome for your husband. It is something that would be easy to get self-conscious about, but many of the married men I interviewed mentioned how much they appreciated having intimate visual memories of their own wives that they could think about to replace the other images that tried to bombard them every day.

At one of the conferences I spoke at, several women approached me afterwards to tell me a story about this. They had done my For Women Only DVD study, and had become accountability partners to encourage each other to live out what they had learned in the study.

One woman — who seemed like a bit of a shy, reserved type — said that not too long after she finished the study, her husband came home from some long trips for his consulting job and told her that he was really struggling with his thought life because of the revealing ways in which some of the women at his consulting site had been dressing. At first, his wife got mad at him, but then she realized that his honesty was his way of asking for help and trying to honor her.

When she asked her friends what she should do, one of them responded, “Pray for him…and fill up his Rolodex, girl!”

She realized that since she was naturally more reserved, she had probably not been giving her husband a lot of intimate images of her to fill his mind; images he could remember, to help him divert his attention from others when he was feeling tempted. She realized that she didn’t have to go over the top, but that even leaving a muted light on in the bedroom, so he could see her when they were intimate, was a way she could both affirm him for honoring her and help him do so.

So let me suggest that you try the same thing. I know that might be scary at first, but this wife told me that she eventually began to enjoy filling her husband’s Rolodex. I hope you find the same thing happening. Don’t do anything that feels wrong, but just try to overcome your natural self-consciousness enough to give this gift to your visual husband.

Plus, the more you come to enjoy it, the more he will, too!

Helping people thrive in life and relationships is Shaunti Feldhahn’s driving passion, supported by her research projects and writing. After starting out with a Harvard graduate degree and experience on Wall Street, her life took an unexpected shift into relationship research. She now is a popular speaker around the world and the author of best-selling books about men, women, and relationships. (Including For Men Only, and the groundbreaking Shaunti Feldhahn.

Six Tips from Coaches: How to be a Good Sports Parent

The other day at a huge high school sports event, I watched a large, loud dad yelling at a ref. On the sidelines, the coach looked furious. Being abusive to an official not only models terrible behavior; it’s a terrible strategy.

I started to wonder: what other parental actions do coaches hate, that might not be so obvious? What other terrible lessons are well-intentioned parents teaching their kids, without even realizing it?

I set out to interview coaches, and consistently heard six things that drive them nuts and send bad signals … and what to do instead:

Coach Tip #1: “If your child has a grievance or a need, insist that they talk to us before you will.”

I heard this over and over. If a student is in middle school or high school, the coach cringes if the parent comes to raise an issue that the coach hasn’t heard about directly from their child.

Why? Well, one of the most important character traits of any person (especially any athlete!) is growing up and taking responsibility for yourself and your actions: to work hard, address things directly, and be willing to work on your own game and your own self wherever needed.

Learning to take responsibility for yourself and your actions is key for teens.
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Allowing your student to hide behind your skirts while you go discuss their concern with the coach teaches the opposite lesson: that it is okay to complain, talk about others behind their backs, and expect someone else to fight your battles. Soon enough, the coaches said, the student who learns that lesson will start complaining and whining to the coach and their fellow players: about the other team, those mean referees, that worn out equipment, and then, inevitably, other students on their own team.

As one Varsity coach put it, “This isn’t so much for younger kids, but if the athlete is in middle school—and especially in high school!—let the student try to work it out first. Give them the empowerment to grow up. Say “You can do it; go talk to the coach first. You handle it, and then if you need my support afterwards, I’ll help.” A middle schooler will not have tact in how they approach it, and that is okay. It is still important to try it. That’s how you learn.”

Coach Tip #2: “If your student (or you) has something to say, do NOT say it right after a game! Help your student to learn good judgment about the right time and place to get better results.”

As one varsity coach put it: “I can guarantee you that immediately after the game is NOT when most coaches want to think about anything you want to share. Set up a meeting.”

The coaches mentioned the internal groan they have when they see a parent (or child) marching toward them with purpose in their eyes, regardless of whether they won or lost.

As one coach said, “Look, even the most calm, steady coach is going to be riled up from the match or the game. And you as a parent are riled up because whatever happened sparked your emotions. You are thinking, ‘I want my baby to play, not sit on the bench!’ or whatever it is. No one is going to be able to process things well in that situation. It is better to calm down, go home, then send an email or text asking for the meeting. You’ll automatically set yourself up for better results, and teach your children and important lesson about being willing to wait rather than having to discuss it RIGHT NOW.”

Coach Tip #3: “When you or your student do have that discussion, come prepared, rather than signaling that preparation doesn’t matter… and neither does this meeting.” 

The coaches were unanimous: if you or your student haven’t thought through what you want to share, and how, you’ve signaled that this issue isn’t important enough to you to warrant that step. And you’ve taught your child that they can blunder in to important situations without preparation, hoping they will work out …which is exactly the opposite of what the coaches are constantly trying to teach the athletes!

As one coach put it, “One young man came in to ask me for a different role on the team. It was a big ask, but it was clear he had thought it through. He had notes written out on his phone, and he systematically went through his list of things he wanted to discuss. It was great. I didn’t immediately agree, and a week later, his dad asked for a meeting, and when he came in with his son, he too had clearly thought things through. I respected that, and it shows they respect my time.” The coach smiled ruefully. “I couldn’t change my decision at this point in the season but I did tell them how much I respected the boy’s passion about this, and I promised I would definitely take a look at switching him next year.”

Coach Tip #4: “Trust the coach’s decisions and strategy, even if you don’t understand it, rather than defaulting to a mindset of suspicion and fostering that suspicion in your child.”

You knew this one was going to be here, and you were right. Coaches have many, many different reasons for what they do, that parents will not always understand. In part because parents don’t have access to all the information the coaches do, and in part because we are all just different: two different people in the exact same situation might value or decide different things.

Coaches have valid reasons for what they do, that parents will not always understand.
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All the parents agreed that parents shouldn’t accept truly dangerous or abusive behavior. (For example, one coach mentioned a parent who rightly alerted them to an assistant coach’s practice of withholding water breaks as a form of discipline!) But in most cases, the coach needs to be able to make decisions, to experiment, and to do what they believe is best for the team without worrying that parents will be on the phone the next day or rolling their eyes with their kids.

One Junior Varsity coach told me, “In rec leagues and club sports there is a lot of focusing on drills. It is simply easier when you have a large number of students, to focus on drills and say, ‘This is the best way to build skills.’ But actually, as long as you have a decent skill base of some kind, we try to minimize the drills and actually do gameplay. It is messy and ugly and chaotic … and that’s what the real games often look like! So if we train that way, then when ugliness happens in the game, the students are used to it. But every year I get phone calls from parents whose students played in county leagues or club sports, saying ‘My child is not getting enough of the practice they need to compete, because you’re not running enough drills!’ and I have to spend time on the phone explaining why we do it this way, and encouraging them to not join in with their student when they second guess us. Our students end up being far more prepared because they are not thrown by the tempo and chaos of the games, so eventually the parents come and say ‘Oh I get it.’ But it is frustrating to have to spend those hours on the front end because the parents default to thinking I’m crazy, rather than the parents defaulting to a position of trust that there IS a reason I’m doing this.”

Coach Tip #5: “Support me as the coach, even when your child is upset with me, rather than undermining not just me but the team.”

Coaches make mistakes just like everyone else. The difference is that a coach needs everyone to follow them, despite mistakes and disagreements, in order for the team as a whole to have the best chance of success … whether that means success on the field or success in building the life character of the student athletes.

I heard about one Varsity coach whose central starting player did not take direction well. This player was extremely talented, but sometimes ignored the coach’s explicit directions. The next time it happened, the coach benched the player for the rest of the game, which put the game in jeopardy. The player furiously complained to the parent, and the coach was thrilled to hear the parent say, “It was YOU that put the game in jeopardy.”

Another coach told me, “It makes all the difference if the parents decide to trust my decisions, and support me behind my back. Coaches are supposed to be completely unbiased toward all kids, all players, and be team focused. Coaches try as best we can to do what is best for the team. Parents don’t mean to be biased toward their kids, but they are.”

Coach Tip #6: “Be the parent, not the coach: you are the only one who can play the crucial parent role.”

Be the parent, not the coach: you are the only one who can play the crucial parent role.
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Finally, no matter how much a parent knows about the game, no matter how great you are at strategy, no matter what fantastic input you have for your child, the coaches wanted you to hear this: there are lots of people who can be a good coach to your child. There’s only one YOU. Your child needs you most, simply to be there for them. And if your advice or tips or instruction on the game are getting in the way of you playing that crucial support role — especially during and after a game — those things have to go.

One coach was passionate about this. He said, “We need to know that our student athletes have parents in the stands who are going to encourage them during the game. That is so crucial. They need to know their parents are there for them. And after the game, a lot of athletes are going to be emotional, win, or lose. What I want parents to hear is this: do not start critiquing your child immediately on the ride home. All the child needs to hear on the ride home is ‘I really enjoy watching you play.’ That is something they need to hear from YOU.”

Helping people thrive in life and relationships is Shaunti Feldhahn’s driving passion, supported by her research projects and writing. After starting out with a Harvard graduate degree and experience on Wall Street, her life took an unexpected shift into relationship research. She now is a popular speaker around the world and the author of best-selling books about men, women, and relationships. (Including For Men Only, and the groundbreaking Shaunti Feldhahn.

Six Tips from Coaches: How to be a Good Sports Parent

The other day at a huge high school sports event, I watched a large, loud dad yelling at a ref. On the sidelines, the coach looked furious. Being abusive to an official not only models terrible behavior; it’s a terrible strategy.

I started to wonder: what other parental actions do coaches hate, that might not be so obvious? What other terrible lessons are well-intentioned parents teaching their kids, without even realizing it?

I set out to interview coaches, and consistently heard six things that drive them nuts and send bad signals … and what to do instead:

Coach Tip #1: “If your child has a grievance or a need, insist that they talk to us before you will.”

I heard this over and over. If a student is in middle school or high school, the coach cringes if the parent comes to raise an issue that the coach hasn’t heard about directly from their child.

Why? Well, one of the most important character traits of any person (especially any athlete!) is growing up and taking responsibility for yourself and your actions: to work hard, address things directly, and be willing to work on your own game and your own self wherever needed.

Tweet this: “Coaches have many, many different reasons for doing what they do, that parents will not always understand“

All the parents agreed that parents shouldn’t accept truly dangerous or abusive behavior. (For example, one coach mentioned a parent who rightly alerted them to an assistant coach’s practice of withholding water breaks as a form of discipline!) But in most cases, the coach needs to be able to make decisions, to experiment, and to do what they believe is best for the team without worrying that parents will be on the phone the next day or rolling their eyes with their kids.

One Junior Varsity coach told me, “In rec leagues and club sports there is a lot of focusing on drills. It is simply easier when you have a large number of students, to focus on drills and say, ‘This is the best way to build skills.’ But actually, as long as you have a decent skill base of some kind, we try to minimize the drills and actually do gameplay. It is messy and ugly and chaotic … and that’s what the real games often look like! So if we train that way, then when ugliness happens in the game, the students are used to it. But every year I get phone calls from parents whose students played in county leagues or club sports, saying ‘My child is not getting enough of the practice they need to compete, because you’re not running enough drills!’ and I have to spend time on the phone explaining why we do it this way, and encouraging them to not join in with their student when they second guess us. Our students end up being far more prepared because they are not thrown by the tempo and chaos of the games, so eventually the parents come and say ‘Oh I get it.’ But it is frustrating to have to spend those hours on the front end because the parents default to thinking I’m crazy, rather than the parents defaulting to a position of trust that there IS a reason I’m doing this.”

Coach Tip #5: “Support me as the coach, even when your child is upset with me, rather than undermining not just me but the team.”

Coaches make mistakes just like everyone else. The difference is that a coach needs everyone to follow them, despite mistakes and disagreements, in order for the team as a whole to have the best chance of success … whether that means success on the field or success in building the life character of the student athletes.

I heard about one Varsity coach whose central starting player did not take direction well. This player was extremely talented, but sometimes ignored the coach’s explicit directions. The next time it happened, the coach benched the player for the rest of the game, which put the game in jeopardy. The player furiously complained to the parent, and the coach was thrilled to hear the parent say, “It was YOU that put the game in jeopardy.”

Another coach told me, “It makes all the difference if the parents decide to trust my decisions, and support me behind my back. Coaches are supposed to be completely unbiased toward all kids, all players, and be team focused. Coaches try as best we can to do what is best for the team. Parents don’t mean to be biased toward their kids, but they are.”

Coach Tip #6: “Be the parent, not the coach: you are the only one who can play the crucial parent role.”

Finally, no matter how much a parent knows about the game, no matter how great you are at strategy, no matter what fantastic input you have for your child, the coaches wanted you to hear this: there are lots of people who can be a good coach to your child. There’s only one YOU. Your child needs you most, simply to be there for them. And if your advice or tips or instruction on the game are getting in the way of you playing that crucial support role — especially during and after a game — those things have to go.

One coach was passionate about this. He said, “We need to know that our student athletes have parents in the stands who are going to encourage them during the game. That is so crucial. They need to know their parents are there for them. And after the game, a lot of athletes are going to be emotional, win, or lose. What I want parents to hear is this: do not start critiquing your child immediately on the ride home. All the child needs to hear on the ride home is ‘I really enjoy watching you play.’ That is something they need to hear from YOU.”

Helping people thrive in life and relationships is Shaunti Feldhahn’s driving passion, supported by her research projects and writing. After starting out with a Harvard graduate degree and experience on Wall Street, her life took an unexpected shift into relationship research. She now is a popular speaker around the world and the author of best-selling books about men, women, and relationships. (Including For Men Only, and the groundbreaking Shaunti Feldhahn.

Big Fight? What Every Husband Needs To Know

Men, have you ever found yourself feeling frustrated when, after a fight with your wife, she seems to doubt your relationship and commitment? It made perfect sense to you that you stopped talking to her when you were mad. You were worried you might say something stupid and be a total jerk. But the next day, after things have simmered down, she kept saying she was concerned if you still loved her. Totally irrational? Of course, you love her! So why would she think that? And how do you explain that an argument is just an argument?

Well, YOU know you’re committed, but your wife may not, at least subconsciously. I know what you’re thinking: “But she should know I love her! I mean, we’re arguing and I’m upset, but it doesn’t mean I care about her any less!” The problem is: that is what you are thinking. You need to know what she is thinking. (And it’s not the same thing!) Let’s consider a few insights into her thoughts and some tools to provide the assurance and security she needs – before – during – and after the arguments that are part of any intimate relationship.

What is she thinking?

There’s something you need to know about women. The vast majority of women (somewhere between 80 and 90 percent according to our nationally-representative surveys for For Men Only) secretly wonder things like: Am I lovable? Does he really love me? Would he choose me all over again? Yes, even confident women in great relationships have those doubts and questions running under the surface. You see, when you said, “I do,” you thought the deal was done, and in all likelihood, the question “Does she love me?” hasn’t crossed your mind since. But she is wired differently.

For her, “I do” will probably always mean “Do you still?” She needs to hear your “I love you.” Now, on a conscious level, she probably knows that your love hasn’t changed just because you’re arguing. But under the surface is where the doubt lives – and when there is conflict, that doubt often rises to the surface and tries to move in! So suddenly her feelings need convincing proof that you’re still there for her. In fact, either conflict or your withdrawal from the situation can trigger her worry — and arguments between men and women usually have both!

What do you do?

So, now what? When there is conflict, she needs to be reassured. She needs for you to remind her that you still love her, because if you don’t, her doubts will keep roiling. And growing. Many women in our research told us, “I know it isn’t the most liberated feeling, but when I know he’s displeased with me, it is like nothing is right with the world until that is resolved.” In fact, without specific reassurance, she may continue to wonder and doubt even after the skirmish seems like yesterday’s news.

How do you do it?

What does that reassurance look like? Men, when you’re upset and need space, reassure your wife that you love her and that you’re going to be fine, before you pull away. Tell her something like, “I’m angry and I need some space… but I want you to know: we’re okay.” Then after you’ve had some time to think, give her a hug. Do something thoughtful to show her you still care (post a sticky note on her mirror where she’ll see it; give her that sideways smile that the two of you know means the argument is over; apologize for being grumpy…).

Tweet this: “Men, when you’re upset and need space, reassure your wife that you love her before you pull away.“

And next time?

When there is conflict, you’ll need to know what your battle plan will be in advance, so you don’t forget it all in the heat of the moment. And the more you try this type of reassurance-before-and-after-getting-space, the easier it will be. With the right words and actions, you’ll win and she will, too. And soon, you’ll be so good at making her feel secure that you’ll look back and hardly remember the days when her doubt used to rise up and move in.

Helping people thrive in life and relationships is Shaunti Feldhahn’s driving passion, supported by her research projects and writing. After starting out with a Harvard graduate degree and experience on Wall Street, her life took an unexpected shift into relationship research. She now is a popular speaker around the world and the author of best-selling books about men, women, and relationships. (Including For Men Only, and the groundbreaking Shaunti Feldhahn.

How to Respect Your Husband When You Really Don’t Trust Him

Dear Shaunti,

I recently read For Women Only and I now realize how important it is for my husband to know I respect him – which I do. But I come from a long line of “strong women” (as my dad puts it) and none of us is afraid to voice an opinion. Including telling our husbands how to do things, like what to do with the kids while we’re out for a few hours, or the most efficient route to soccer practice that avoids the traffic bottlenecks. It’s not that I don’t trust him, I’m just very particular, I guess. But it makes him upset. How do I convey respect to him when I just know he’s in over his head and needs help?

-WIT (Wife-In-Training)

Dear WIT, I’m trying hard to read your last sentence with a straight face. Did you really just say “how do I convey respect” and “he’s in over his head and needs help” in the same sentence?

Sister, you need a wake-up call. Let’s be really honest about the main problem here: you don’t trust him. If you did, you wouldn’t have to give him a minute-by-minute schedule of everything that needs to happen with the kids during the three hours that you are out with your sister. You’d be totally fine with the fact that he prefers taking the five extra minutes on the way to soccer, instead of appreciating the brilliance of your winding-back-road-and-hair-raising-left-turn-across-two-lanes-of-traffic route.

Instead, you want it your way … so you feel a need to tell him what to do. Which comes across as though you view him in the same way as you’d view a slightly in-over-his-head 14-year-old on his first babysitting job. (“So first, you have to make sure you microwave the soup about 90 seconds, because 2 minutes will make it too hot…”)

I mean, seriously: how must your approach look to him? After all, there are other day-to-day things you probably trust him with completely, right? You trust that he’s not going to take Fido to work in the middle of the summer, and leave him locked in the car all day with the windows rolled up. You don’t need to tell him that, because you know he’s not an idiot.

So realize that each time you tell him what to do in these other similar day-to-day things of life, that it automatically means that you think he needs the help, the poor dear. In other words: in your mind, he is an idiot. And that feeling is terrible for anyone – but especially guys, since their greatest emotional need is to feel able and respected for what they do.

Yes, absolutely, there are always things that any of us might need help on. The first time my husband showed me how to use the snowblower, it took some getting used to. The first time I showed him how to use a complicated inhaler contraption for our toddler daughter, he needed to try it a few times. All the men I interviewed for my book For Women Only told me that they realize there are times help is needed. The key is to ask him, “Do you want any help, or are you good?” And if he says he’s fine, let him give it a shot… without standing there anxiously, which means (in his mind) you’re just waiting for him to fail.

If you can reach out to your husband and find a way to be a true, respectful partner and not an I-want-it-my-way-criticizer, I promise you it will build your relationship. Because instead of giving up because he feels like he can’t win, he will feel confident that he can step out and become the man you want him to be.

Helping people thrive in life and relationships is Shaunti Feldhahn’s driving passion, supported by her research projects and writing. After starting out with a Harvard graduate degree and experience on Wall Street, her life took an unexpected shift into relationship research. She now is a popular speaker around the world and the author of best-selling books about men, women, and relationships. (Including For Men Only, and the groundbreaking Shaunti Feldhahn.

Hurricane Hotties?

In the midst of so much deep hurricane news, can I tell you how happy this latest viral silliness made me and my teenage daughter – and apparently millions of other people?

More than 100,000 comments have been posted on a simple selfie by some Gainesville, Florida police officers.  The men were getting ready to go about their duties for Hurricane Irma cleanup, and women readers quickly noticed that these were some seriously good-looking officers. Quickly, the Gainesville PD Facebook page was inundated with comments like “Hey, I can commit a crime, can you come arrest ME?!” and “We have crime in Maine too!” And quickly, as the Gainesville PD posted other pictures of first responders going about their business, people began asking “Do you have some sort of model-ready requirement for your officers?!”

What my daughter and I most loved, though, was the Gainesville PD reply to all of this: they entered into the lighthearted spirit of things with a hilarious response:

1. We are dying with the comments. You’ve actually made our chief blush with some of them.

2. MRS. Nordman and MRS. Hamill have also enjoyed knowing how millions of women are going crazy over their husbands.

3. We can confirm that Officer Rengering (far right with the amazing hair) IS SINGLE.

4. On another note, Officer Rengering is being placed into Cougar Prey Protective Care, similar to the witness protection program for his safety.

5. Please do not call 9-1-1 and request this group respond to your “incident”

6. There WILL be a calendar.   

In a town filled with flooded roads, downed trees and cars stranded without gas, in a state where half the homes and businesses lack power, in an era of division and taking-ourselves-too-seriously, I absolutely love how this great group of first responders stepped outside themselves and engaged in some much-needed levity.

To all our first responders: thanks for everything you are doing for this unique recovery effort.

To the Gainesville PD: thanks for making us smile. We need that just as much.

Helping people thrive in life and relationships is Shaunti Feldhahn’s driving passion, supported by her research projects and writing. After starting out with a Harvard graduate degree and experience on Wall Street, her life took an unexpected shift into relationship research. She now is a popular speaker around the world and the author of best-selling books about men, women, and relationships. (Including For Men Only, and the groundbreaking Shaunti Feldhahn.

How to Stop Male Co-Workers' Resentment … When You Work Flex-Time

Dear Shaunti, 

I work full-time, have 3 small children and work a flex schedule. This works really well for my family but my male co-workers get frustrated when they can’t reach me during traditional office hours. I’m getting all my work done but I’m worried they’re not viewing me as an equal colleague because they don’t always see me in the office.

–Trying to Find the Balance

Dear Trying to Find the Balance,

As a working mom myself, I get how difficult it can be to balance the demands of your job and the needs of your family. But as you have seen, it is important to be aware of how that might be viewed. In my research for The Male Factor, I saw a perception held by nearly all men (and, often, executive-level women).

The men may logically know that an offsite colleague is working lots of hours, but it doesn’t feel the same for one reason: they don’t see the person as sharing the same pain.

The men I interviewed often mentioned a sports analogy: in the heat of the summer, football teammates would bond during sweltering two-a-day practices, getting in shape to win their games. Never would one teammate say “Coach, I don’t have to practice with the others, because I can get in shape on my own time over here in my air-conditioned gym.” He might technically be correct, but his teammates would not look at him the same because—you guessed it—he didn’t share the same pain.

So what does this mean for you? First, acknowledge to yourself that by not being available during the regular hours, you may not actually be sharing the same pain… and if you were in your colleagues’ shoes, you might be frustrated too. So without compromising your flex priorities, look for ways to improve the relationship.

Since you’re already ensuring you get your work done, you may want to next look for ways to demonstrate to your “team” that you are sharing their pain, you’re just spreading it out over different hours. You know that committee no one wants to lead? Lead it if you can. Offer to be the one to make the phone call to the awkward client. If you work after the kids are in bed, don’t hesitate to send the email with the midnight time stamp – and don’t mention your late hours the next day.

But second, and most important, never lose sight of the great gift you have: you’ve found a work schedule that meets your primary priority of being able to balance work with family. Don’t apologize for that.

If you handle it well, it might even give some of the family-oriented men in your office a precedent so they can do the same.

Helping people thrive in life and relationships is Shaunti Feldhahn’s driving passion, supported by her research projects and writing. After starting out with a Harvard graduate degree and experience on Wall Street, her life took an unexpected shift into relationship research. She now is a popular speaker around the world and the author of best-selling books about men, women, and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, demonstrates that kindness is the answer to almost every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

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