Shaunti Feldhahn's Blog, page 53

The secret to being a wife he adores

In the research for For Women Only and The Kindness Challenge, I’ve seen an overlooked, seemingly old-fashioned secret. If you want to be a wife that your husband adores, practice using an affirming tone and eliminating a contentious one.

Tweet this: “Being a life commitment, marriage is permanent – but we want it to be fun, too!“

Tweet this: “Men have a deep, emotional desire to be a good husband and make their wives happy.“

While there may be many things you wish were different, you’ll see positive changes much more with the honey-flavored tone than the vinegar one. That doesn’t mean ignoring problems, and it doesn’t mean a falsely sappy, syrupy-sweet tone of voice. (Let’s not take this analogy too far!) But it does mean realizing that men respond far, far better to positive appreciation (“Thanks so much for taking the girls out so I could get some rest”), and want to spend less and less time with someone who seems constantly to be in a state of exasperation (“What were you thinking, taking them to the store in their PJs?!”).

The Kindness Challenge, now available!

Helping people thrive in life and relationships is Shaunti Feldhahn’s driving passion, supported by her research projects and writing. After starting out with a Harvard graduate degree and experience on Wall Street, her life took an unexpected shift into relationship research. She now is a popular speaker around the world and the author of best-selling books about men, women, and relationships. (Including For Men Only, and the groundbreaking Shaunti Feldhahn.

What you need to do before you have sex with your wife

So, guys, you’ve just had a big fight with your wife and now you’re ready to cool off and mend the relationship. What better way to make up than to spend a little intimate time together, right?

Just one little problem, though: physical intimacy is the farthest thing from her mind. What’s the deal?

The Kindness Challenge, now available!

Helping people thrive in life and relationships is Shaunti Feldhahn’s driving passion, supported by her research projects and writing. After starting out with a Harvard graduate degree and experience on Wall Street, her life took an unexpected shift into relationship research. She now is a popular speaker around the world and the author of best-selling books about men, women, and relationships. (Including For Men Only, and the groundbreaking Shaunti Feldhahn.

The Most Horrifying Current Terrorism Event You Don’t Know About

Friends, normally, I stick to relationship content. But I think everyone needs to be aware of a recent terror incident in Egypt.

Although the Manchester and London terrorist attacks were horrifying, and I’m grateful for the outpouring of support to those families and those cities, I paid far more attention to those incidents than one I also heard mentioned in the news. I never even sought out more information. The media never featured it. Yet it was far more personally brutal. Dozens of Christian men, women and children on a church field trip were stopped by terrorists in Egypt, called off their bus one by one, and brutally murdered in front of their family and friends because – one by one – they would not renounce Jesus.

We hardly heard about it.

We need to pray for those families, too. I cannot imagine the fear and the courage of those brothers and sisters in Christ –especially the parents who watched their brave children being killed. And vice versa.

It puts our light and momentary “persecutions” here in the US in stark perspective, that’s for sure. May all of us who follow Jesus have that same boldness in standing for Him. Not for an idea, a policy, an opinion, or a way of life – but for Jesus.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

The post The Most Horrifying Current Terrorism Event You Don’t Know About appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

These Four Phrases Will Make You a Hero to Your Wife

Guys, I know from the For Men Only research that you want to make your wife happy. And in many ways you already do! But if you want to hit the happiness jackpot, here are the four phrases that (in roughly 80% of cases) will put you into hero category:

1. “Here, let me do that…” Saying “What can I do to help?” is fantastic. Stepping in and taking something off her hands feels to her as if a couple of dozen roses were dropped in by parachute.

2. “You’re right, I didn’t do that quite right. Show me again.” Let me guess: when you stepped in to take something off her hands, she corrected you or showed you a “better” way to do it… right? So you thought Nothing I do is good enough for you, and you backed off. Men, here’s what you need to know: we women truly have no idea that you secretly worry about being inadequate. So when your wife implies something wasn’t done right (the way you dressed the kids, the way you cleaned the kitchen), she simply doesn’t understand why that would make you upset. She doesn’t intend to criticize you; she’s merely taking you at your word that you really want to help and showing you how best to help. If you can believe the best of your wife’s intentions, assume she is not secretly thinking you’re an idiot, and hang in there instead of backing off… you will truly be a superhero to the woman you love.

Tweet this: “Most women truly have no idea that men secretly worry about being inadequate.”

3. “I’m angry and I need some space. But I’ll be back in a bit. We’re okay.” When you’re furious or hurt and need to get some air (or time in your man cave), you’re trying to process the argument with your wife. You’re figuring out what you are thinking. Or maybe you’re just doing work stuff and have switched off the “husband” box in your brain to deal with later. But regardless, your wife is standing outside the man cave with her stomach in knots. She’s subconsciously wondering if this is the argument that hurts your love for her. She may go about her day, but if she’s like most women in the research, part of her brain is worrying, Are we okay…?  So reassure her before you get that space; you’ll be protecting her from hours of subconscious stress or even pain.

4. “I’m so sorry that happened. How did that feel?” Because you want to be a hero to your wife, your instinct is to say, “I’m so sorry that this bad thing happened at work– here’s what I suggest to fix it.” You think being a hero means removing what caused the pain. Right? But for most women (although not all) removing what caused the pain is Step Two. Step One is helping her talk through all those jangling feelings she’s dealing with. Because of the way the female brain is wired, that is what will reduce the pain most. After a few minutes, you’ll see her tension ease as she feels heard and cared for her. Then you can move on to Step Two to solve the problem if needed. But more importantly: she’ll feel so loved. And you’ll have the satisfaction of another superhero job well done.

Want to know how to be kind, when you’re really not feeling it? My research uncovered three daily actions that will transform your relationships – and you. Check out For Women Only, The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, demonstrates that kindness is the answer to almost every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

The post These Four Phrases Will Make You a Hero to Your Wife appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

You need to know these four pitfalls for teenage boys

Even after years of researching what is in the heart and mind of men and boys, I still wasn’t quite ready when my pre-teen son began struggling with the same visual temptations as everyone else! In honor of all boys who want to do the right thing, here are four things every mom, especially, needs to know:

1. It starts young. Yes, I knew men and boys were visual – but I didn’t really grasp just how visual until my son was thunderstruck by the pictures in the Victoria’s Secret shop window at age of 4. “I like those ladies,” he said, in an awed tone of voice, suddenly and completely oblivious to everything else around him. “Their bare tummies make my tummy feel good.” The male brain is the male brain from the earliest age, and as I share in Through A Man’s Eyes, that means we moms need to know how to help those little eyes be careful what they see from the earliest ages.

Tweet this: “The male brain is the male brain from the earliest age; moms need to help those little eyes be careful what they see.“

2. It is an almost overwhelming curiosity — and temptation. Even the most honorable, godly young men have a deep-down curiosity to see the naked female form. And once they do, they are usually incredibly tempted to do whatever is necessary, to click on whatever link, to investigate whatever source will allow them to see it again. And again. Last year, I remember a few of my fellow moms being shocked that the eighth grade boys at our Christian school had all listed “pornography” as the primary life temptation they were trying to fight. Our boys need us to wake up to the strength of this temptation. They need our awareness, help, and compassion in that fight up through adulthood.

Tweet this: “Boys need our awareness, help, and compassion in the fight against temptation up through adulthood. “

3. It is a temptation the honorable boys don’t want. My son broke down in tears as he confessed looking at something he shouldn’t have looked at, online. Like many boys I’ve researched, he wants to be honorable toward women. He wants to do what God asks. He doesn’t want this temptation, and it makes me furious at how often his brain is being stimulated in this culture, and how hard it is to avoid that stimulation (and thus that temptation). Yes, when our boys make the wrong decisions and repeatedly make bad choices, they need consequences, they need help, and they need to know we are disappointed in them. But we need to know that they are also disappointed in themselves. Often, in fact, we need great wisdom about when our boys may need support more than discipline. This fight cannot be us-versus-our-sons. It must be us and our sons side by side, confronting a temptation that is thrown at them every day, and which neither of us want them to have.

Tweet this: “Often we need great wisdom about when our boys may need support more than discipline.“

4. It is something they cannot confront well without our help. Because it can be awkward to talk about, few boys will ever tell you this… but they need your help. For an honorable young man, at least, there is great comfort in knowing that Mom and Dad have installed accountability or filtering software on all media devices, or have put unbreakable passwords on the “iffy” cable channels, so that they can’t look at those things without getting caught. Also, when I was interviewing young men for the book, it was clear they would actually talk to their mom about these things if they could trust that she wouldn’t freak out. So no matter what your son says, be ultra-calm and matter-of-fact. Acknowledge that you don’t have a male brain, but let your son know you want to understand, will never freak out about anything he shares (even if you have to impose consequences, you won’t flip, emotionally) and that you want to know how to support him. If you are married, your husband will better understand what your son is going through, and the two of you will need to partner on the best way to handle things. As a man, he will also be your best source for inside information. (Including, sometimes, talking you down off your ledge about whether a certain incident is a big deal or not!)

Tweet this: “No matter what your son says about his temptations, be ultra-calm and matter-of-fact.“

In today’s culture there’s no perfect way of handling things. But we love our boys. So let’s step up to the plate. Let’s get more aware, educate ourselves, and be there for our sons, so we can help them in this fight this temptation, side by side.

Want to know how to be kind, when you’re really not feeling it? My research uncovered three daily actions that will transform your relationships – and you. Check out The Kindness Challenge, now available!

Helping people thrive in life and relationships is Shaunti Feldhahn’s driving passion, supported by her research projects and writing. After starting out with a Harvard graduate degree and experience on Wall Street, her life took an unexpected shift into relationship research. She now is a popular speaker around the world and the author of best-selling books about men, women, and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, demonstrates that kindness is the answer to almost every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

The post You need to know these four pitfalls for teenage boys appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

How to Respect An Imperfect Husband

Dear Shaunti,

I really struggle with the whole ‘respect your husband’ thing you talk about in your book For Women Only. How do I do that? My husband has a huge amount of pride and is unable to accept any criticism or failure on his part; he always throws mistakes back on me. I can’t help but see him as irresponsible and prideful at times. I know that I have delivered some harsh criticism to him over the 14 years of our marriage, which probably contributes to the defensiveness, but I’ve gotten better over the last few years. He is a faithful husband and very loving father, but there are so many times that he seems to place a higher value on our two daughters than on our marriage. He loves to be their hero to a fault, so that his relationship with them seems to be a codependent one. I can’t seem to change the way I think about him. And I’m tired of feeling like he values our daughters more than me.

-Second Fiddle

Dear Second Fiddle,

Nobody wants to be the second fiddle when they are truly a first string or solo quality. But I hate to be blunt: in most cases, second fiddles have earned their spot.

Sure, he probably has big issues to address as well – but the only person you can change is you. And I think you have already recognized the actual source of your problem: 14 years of harsh criticism of him as “irresponsible” and “prideful.” You also need to know that what you have misperceived in your husband as “pride” is actually a deep insecurity. An insecurity and self-doubt that you, my friend, have inflamed to the point of pain.

All of us – men and women – have a tendency to become defensive as a way to protect ourselves when we are criticized. But since a man’s primary emotional need is respect, please understand that for your husband, criticism isn’t just frustrating – it feels like a vicious attack on his most vulnerable emotion: his fear that you see him as inadequate.

Tweet this: “All of us – men and women – have a tendency to become defensive as a way to protect ourselves when we are criticized.”

When a man’s emotional backbone has been whipped raw by repeated critical comments and “brutal honesty,” his insecurities are so inflamed and painful that he can become super-sensitive and agitated at even the slightest suggestion that he has done something wrong, hence the inability to accept responsibility for mistakes or to admit error. It isn’t right or mature, certainly – but it sure is understandable.

From my thousands of interviews with men, I know that a man longs to be a hero to his wife, first and foremost. But when he feels that he just can never measure up in her eyes – that she will always see him as second (or tenth) fiddle — he will seek that affirmation elsewhere.

Tweet this: “A man longs to be a hero to his wife, first and foremost.“

You say he is a faithful husband, so it sounds like he thankfully hasn’t sought solace from a woman who does think he is amazing. Instead, he’s gravitating toward affirmation from your daughters. Indeed there may be a codependent relationship with them, but I hope you can understand why it could have developed.

How do you get past this, and to a place where you do respect him?

I often suggest the 30-Day Kindness Challenge to women in your situation. First, for the next 30 days don’t say anything negative about your husband… either to him or about him to someone else. Not your mom, not your best girlfriend, no one.

Let me repeat that, so you really ‘get it’: Say nothing negative about him.

At all.

And second, every day for the next 30 days, find one thing positive that he has done that you can praise or thank him for, and tell him, and tell at least one other person.

Third, do one small act of kindness or generosity for him daily.

The beauty of our psychological wiring is that our feelings follow our words and actions, and so the more you focus on what you are dissatisfied with, the more dissatisfied you will be. But the more you focus on the positive, the more you will see and be struck by the truly wonderful things about your husband. The more you will, in fact, respect him!

This may not be easy for you — there’s a reason I call this a “challenge.” But in the end this sort of process is one of the only ways to change what you think and do.

I hope in the end, that after the 30 days you will find it so much easier to return to a true partnership where there is a give and take. Where you can see and affirm the positive, and recognize that some of the negative is simply a difference of opinion – and that some criticism can be communicated with grace or simply not mentioned at all. Remember that thirty days of ‘reform’ is not going to eradicate 14 years of criticism, so have realistic expectations. Even after the 30 days are over, you might have to be ultra-careful how you communicate criticism for the foreseeable future.

But hopefully, some major changes won’t take too long. Because as you continue to focus mostly on the positive, and thus make sure your husband knows that he is your hero – I’ll bet you’ll quickly be promoted from second fiddle to first string.

Sign up for the Challenge here, and pray for it to be a blessing in your marriage.

Want to know how to be kind, when you’re really not feeling it? My research uncovered three daily actions that will transform your relationships – and you. Check out For Women Only, The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, demonstrates that kindness is the answer to almost every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more

This article first appeared at Patheos.

The post How to Respect An Imperfect Husband appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

This One Sneaky Trap Will Kill Your Marriage

“If I had heard this a few years ago, I wouldn’t be divorced today.”

I can’t tell you how often I have heard that phrase. Most recently last weekend, after the worship services at a mega church in the Midwest. The pastor had interviewed me as the sermon on Restoring Hope for Marriage, and asked what my research shows are the most crucial marital actions to do – and to avoid.

Afterward, several people told us they wished they hadn’t had to learn those lessons the hard way.

Here’s one particularly deadly but easily-missed trap that could be present in your marriage right now.Make sure you look for this snare, dig it up, and trash it before it trashes you:

Never, ever, ever think your spouse “shouldn’t” be hurt by something that wouldn’t hurt you.

That sounds so mundane.It isn’t. It is one of the most common, sneaky reasons marriages fail.

Nearly every one of us has subconsciously thought something like this:

All I did was point out where he wasn’t connecting the TV cables correctly. I mean, he’s been working on that new setup for an hour and he obviously needed help. It is ridiculous for that to make him mad.

Or:

I apologized for being late for dinner again, but she just won’t let it go. She gets so upset over things that don’t matter.

Those thoughts are so dangerous because they make us blow off the fact that we are legitimately hurting the other person. Regularly.

We tend to forget that we are different. More specifically, that men and women are different. In some ways, in fact, our brains are wired to be the opposite of each other! I heard one neurologist say that when he reads fMRI scans of male and female brains it is sometimes like looking at two different species.

And although there are always exceptions, our emotional needs, insecurities and hurts diverge as well.

Among men, for example, most guys have a deep, hidden worry that isn’t as big a deal for most women.Men desperately want to be good at what they do, to make their wives happy, to feel adequate and competent. But deep inside, a guy will constantly worry that he isn’t adequate.That he’s one step away from being found out as an imposter. Here are the internal, underlying feelings of a man. I’m writing this as if he’s consciously thinking it, but he’s not: there are all totally subconscious until they are triggered:

Do I measure up? I love my wife so much.  She’s amazing and deserves my very best, but I’m not sure I know how to be the husband she needs.  I adore my kids and want to be a great dad to them. I don’t want to mess up.  I want to provide for our family. I want to give them everything they need,  do everything they need,  protect them in the way they need… but am I up to the task? My buddies Gary and Bill seem to have it all together; I wish I was a fix-it guy like Gary and a great dad like Bill.  I don’t want to let my family down.

So when your man is trying to put together the complicated new television system, and it isn’t going well, he’s feeling like a failure at what he’s trying to do. Like he doesn’t measure up to others. It is painful. And when you come along and point out what he didn’t do correctly in connecting that cable (just trying to help, of course!) you have, without realizing it, just overtly pointed out: yes, you are indeed a failure. Gary would have done better.

We women don’t think of it that way, of course. We think our man is super-over-sensitive.

In other words: We think he shouldn’t be hurt by that. Because it wouldn’t hurt us.

So our man gets mad. Or he withdraws. And then we get hurt by that. Or we huff and get mad because he’s mad. All because we don’t see his hurt, his wiring, his needs. Or we don’t see them as legitimate. So we miss the deep truth. We roll our eyes at his “ego” and never realize: he doesn’t have an ego. He has a deep well of self-doubt.

Because we missed the fact that that our actions legitimately caused him pain, because we miss the deep truth underneath it, we do those things again. We hurt him again. He gets mad and withdraws again. Then we get hurt again.

And pretty soon our marriage is hurting. All because of a sneaky trap we never saw. To prevent this, there’s really just one answer: let’s look for those things that hurt the other person, recognize they are usually legitimate, and work to avoid them.

And of course there are blind spots on both sides. We will tackle the men’s blind spots in a piece next week!

Want to know how to be kind, when you’re really not feeling it? My research uncovered three daily actions that will transform your relationships – and you. Check out The Kindness Challenge, now available!

Helping people thrive in life and relationships is Shaunti Feldhahn’s driving passion, supported by her research projects and writing. After starting out with a Harvard graduate degree and experience on Wall Street, her life took an unexpected shift into relationship research. She now is a popular speaker around the world and the author of best-selling books about men, women, and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, demonstrates that kindness is the answer to almost every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

The post This One Sneaky Trap Will Kill Your Marriage appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Here is the simple key to kindness and joy

“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all… [W]hatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” —Philippians 4:4-5, 8 (NIV)

Picture this common scenario. You have been at odds with your spouse or roommate for a few months.  Sometimes things are okay, but tension, irritation and frustration are still much more common than you’d like. Today you’ve been out working long hours, running errands, or even getting some downtime with friends, and you come home to find the house far more messy than when you left.  

Maybe your spouse has been playing, cooking, and/or doing homework with the kids, and hasn’t picked up.  Maybe your roommate didn’t clean up after the get-together with some friends, while you were out.  

Instantly, one or more of these thoughts rocket through your brain:

Why didn’t they pick up? Now I have to pick up!  

They cooked and left the dishes for me… they just assume that I’ll do everything for them. Grrr…

I needed an oasis of peace today. They just don’t appreciate how hard I work.  

Without really intending it, you say something clipped, exasperated, angry or upset – or your body language shows it. The other person gets defensive. And the cycle starts again.

I think many of us can relate to that sort of scenario. All too often we have frustration in our hearts and irritation in our response toward others. Yet we want joy in our hearts and kindness toward others, instead! It turns out that when we get upset, the key to unlocking that joy and kindness is what we think in the very next moment.

I’ve done a lot of research on this for both The Kindness Challenge and The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages (on the habits that make us happy or unhappy in relationships, for example). And here’s the bottom line: the moment you start to feel disappointed, it is crucial to make sure you turn your thoughts to the very real positives, not just the very real negatives.  

For example, instead of just looking at what the other person isn’t doing – look at what they are doing.  Yes, maybe your husband didn’t clean the house, but he was spending priceless time pouring into the kids while you were out.  Maybe your wife doesn’t notice the clutter, but she’s the supportive, affirming best friend that you need after the trials of the day.  Maybe your roommate isn’t detail oriented, but he or she always welcomes you into whatever social activities are going on. Maybe your boss is grumpy but he always fights for the department to get its budget, which allows you to keep your job.  

In the letter the Apostle Paul wrote to the church in the ancient city of Philippi, he commanded his listeners to “Rejoice!”  Despite the persecution they faced.  Despite the arguments among difficult church folk.  Despite the poverty, sickness and trials.  As he wrote those words, he himself was in prison.  Chained to a wall.  About to lose his life.

So, okay, Paul… how do you rejoice in a prison? Or a difficult marriage? Or when you come home after needing an oasis of peace, and the house looks like it’s been wrecked by a mini-tornado instead?

Here’s the prescription God gives us: think about and focus on whatever is lovely and praiseworthy instead. Every human being has both light and dark moments. Yet as you start focusing on the beautiful things, and refusing to obsess over the difficult ones, you’ll suddenly find you are noticing the beautiful things more. It isn’t new – it was there all along! And similarly, the challenging stuff is still there, but it just doesn’t draw your attention as much.  

You’re simply much more able to rejoice. And to let your kindness be evident to all.

Try it. And the response you see – in your own heart and in others – will be the best possible incentive to continue.

Want to know how to be kind, when you’re really not feeling it? My research uncovered three daily actions that will transform your relationships – and you. Check out For Women Only, The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, demonstrates that kindness is the answer to almost every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

The post Here is the simple key to kindness and joy appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

3 Things Underneath Your Husband’s Desire for Sex

Your husband wants sex? 3 things he’s not saying out loud:

1. “I need to feel desirable.”  We women may think sex is just a physical need for a guy, but that’s not most of what is going on. When his wife responds to him – or initiates it herself! – it meets a deep emotional need to feel that his wife desires him.

2. “I love you and want to be closer to you.”  We women want to feel close outside the bedroom in order to feel close inside the bedroom.  But for many men, when they feel tension in the air, when there’s distance, when they know something’s just not right… they miss their wife.  For a man’s biological chemistry, in fact, sex is one of the only times that his brain releases oxytocin, the bonding hormone, which brings a great feeling of closeness with someone.  When he reaches for you, you may think, I cannot believe he would want sex now, when we’re at odds / fighting /distant. But instead, realize: he’s reaching for you in order to get back that feeling of closeness with you that he is longing for.

3. “I’m really vulnerable right now.”  Because sex is more of an emotional need than a physical one for him, many men in my research told me there is no time more insecure, scary and vulnerable than when they approach their wives in that way.  They are essentially laying their “desirability” and their heart out in front of you and asking, “what do you think of me?”  Without realizing it, when we are tired or just not in the mood, it is easy to brush him off in a way that cuts that vulnerable heart deeply.  Now, just to be clear, this doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t have a say in the matter!  Of course, there will be times we simply aren’t able to respond.  But when that happens, it is even more critical that we show him how much we care, how much we love him, and (with a saucy wink) that we need to make a date for another night!

Want to know how to be kind, when you’re really not feeling it? My research uncovered three daily actions that will transform your relationships – and you. Check out For Women Only, The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, demonstrates that kindness is the answer to almost every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

The post 3 Things Underneath Your Husband’s Desire for Sex appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

One simple choice will make you a kinder person

Here’s the good news: If you want to be a kind person, the quickest way to get there is to build a habit of praising others regularly.

Here’s the bad news: You already think you do have that habit… but you probably don’t. You don’t express affirmation nearly as often as you think.

A few summers ago, our family was out in the countryside at a Fourth of July fair. It was a popular affair with games, music, food booths, huge inflatable slides and obstacle courses.  I was standing in line with my then-twelve-year-old son, waiting for him to go up the massive Cliff Hanger slide, when we heard a terrified sobbing from the very top. A little four-year-old girl had climbed up and was stuck; she was too scared to slide down. After unsuccessful attempts to persuade her, her father made the very awkward (for an adult) climb to the summit, with the crowd of at least forty people silent and watching below.

Suddenly the woman next to me blurted out, “I think this must be the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.” She turned to all the people around her. “When he comes down, y’all better clap! I hope everyone claps for this man!”

Up above us, the dad gathered his tearful little girl into his arms, and with her face buried in her daddy’s shoulder and her arms around his neck, he gingerly began crabbing back down the almost-vertical staircase with her clinging to him like a front backpack. And with one voice, the crowd below started clapping and cheering. The dad was startled, then started grinning. You could tell the accolades made his day.

When the commotion died down I asked the woman beside me, “Is he your husband?”

“No, no,” she said with a laugh. “I just try to make it a habit to encourage people, you know? It has to be a habit. Otherwise it doesn’t happen.”

It has to be a habit. Otherwise it doesn’t happen. True that. I had stood there at the base of the slide with thirty-nine others.  Every single person probably internally thought That’s a great dad.  Yet only one brought up the fact that we needed to say it out loud.

Thankfully, if you begin to offer out-loud praise, the rewards are so great that you’ll easily build a true habit.

Tweet this! If you begin to offer out-loud praise, the rewards are so great that you’ll easily build a true habit.

As you do, remember that praise goes far beyond “Good job” and encompasses whatever makes the people in your life feel affirmed.  “I’m grateful for your candor.” “Honey, they loved your presentation.”  “You’re a wonderful mom.”  “You make me so happy.”  “You are so good at keeping us on task, thank you!”  (And ladies, you might want to know that the words “thank you” are especially life giving for men. In my book For Women Only, you can see more about how “thank you” is a man’s equivalent of “I love you.”).

I think most of us know the importance of praise and affirmation.  Yet one subtle, sneaky reason that it may not always get said out loud, is that we feel entitled to whatever the other person is doing.  My husband, Jeff, told me, “I think we sometimes feel, You owe this to me. I deserve what you’re doing. This means that one reason we don’t praise is pride. … It is easy to forget that we really don’t deserve anything. Everything God allows us to have is a gift, right? So it is all praiseworthy.”

In the end, our praise keeps others going. But it also keeps us going.  Because as we practice praise, we become more and more grateful for all that we have – and start to see even more things to be grateful for.

Want to know how to be kind, when you’re really not feeling it? My research uncovered three daily actions that will transform your relationships – and you. Check out For Women Only, The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, demonstrates that kindness is the answer to almost every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

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