Shaunti Feldhahn's Blog, page 57

The Canadian Video to America That Made Me Cry – And What We Can Learn From It

Have you heard the joke: How does someone from Canada cheat on a test?  They secretly write on the palm of their hand, “You can do it!”

Our neighbors to the north are an unusually open, honest, nice, kind bunch. No one is perfect, but as a whole Canadians are just a friendly people. And during a brutal season of division in our country and in our relationships, we could learn a thing or two from them.

My next book, The Kindness Challenge, is about the power of kindness to transform relationships –by transforming how we think about the other person, the relationship, and ourselves.  And Canada’s gift to America this week is a national example of that.

From ongoing interactions with overseas friends, colleagues and family, I have been made aware many times that the whole world is watching, with varying degrees of anxiety, as our culture tears itself apart during this brutal election season.  They see the incredible negativity. The rancor. The division. And just like any close friend who watches as another person beats herself up and spirals into personal chaos, Canada stepped in.

A Canadian Ad Agency put out a call for regular Canadians to record videos and messages to America.  “Tell America It’s Great” was the slogan, and the positive, uplifting, encouraging videos, posts and tweets came pouring in.  Capturing all the things about America that are good, even though the bad is still there.  Celebrating all that is right, even though there certainly are wrongs to be fixed. Thanking America for all we have done for the world, even though we have made our share of mistakes.

Honestly, watching the video I found myself first smiling, like “Aw, that is so nice of them,” but as it progressed I have to admit that a few tears leaked out.  I know in one way it is sentimental and a bit sappy…but in another way it is EXACTLY like that friend who comes alongside someone in distress, puts an arm around their shoulders, and gives them a much, much needed word of affirmation.

It is kindness at work. And it matters. Our dry and weary culture is in desperate need of kindness in the same way that someone stumbling through the desert is in desperate need of water. Our parched, raw tissues soak it up, and it leaks out through our tear ducts.

And once we are filled up, we will be so much better able to fill up others. That is what we are missing today. That is what we must do for each other, the same way Canada just did it for us.

I know this might sound self-serving, but I wish every American would read my next book – even if they borrow it from a library or a friend – and truly grasp the unbelievable, incredible power of kindness to change a life. Change our culture. And ourselves.

I thank the people of Canada for being a living example of that, to a friend in need.

Pre-order your copy of Shaunti’s new book, The Kindness Challenge, and pass it along to everyone who needs kindness in their lives!

Wish Shaunti could speak at an event in your area? You can help! Forward this piece or others to a leader at your organization or church, with a note of recommendation. They can reach Shaunti at NDuncan@shaunti.com.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

The post The Canadian Video to America That Made Me Cry – And What We Can Learn From It appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Two reasons why he walks away from an emotional conversation

A reader recently asked: “Why does my boyfriend always seem to RUN from a conflict?  Well, not so much conflict, as emotion.   When things get intense, especially if I start crying, I need resolution –but he’s heading out the door.  I try to keep him there, but he says he needs space and leaves.  It is hurtful.  He’s a great guy, but running when you’re mad seems unhealthy; so I don’t know if I want to move forward with him.”

Before I jump into this, let me say first: If any man wants to love his wife or his girlfriend well, he should not just walk away from an emotional conversation without notice.  Turning and walking away?  That’s just rude.

And leaving your wife or girlfriend hanging, and in distress, wondering, “Are we okay?”  That’s hurtful.

However, I also recently wrote an article about the fact that the way men are wired to relate is very legitimate; it is often just different from the way we are wired.  And this seems like one of those cases.

Some men do not have the same need to escape an intense conversation, of course, but the vast majority of the men on our surveys do.

We women feel like the only reason they walk away is that they are angry with us, and simply don’t want to talk because of that.

We couldn’t be more wrong.

That dynamic only applied to a small minority of men (three in ten).  Most of the time, there’s something else entirely going on. You can see more about this in the newer, revised edition of For Women Only, but let’s tackle the two main reasons why men walk away from a conversation. (Even if we think they shouldn’t.)

Reason #1: His brain needs time to process what just happened, what he thinks about it, and how he can respond well.

Roughly half of the men said essentially the same thing as this representative young man I interviewed in the research:  “In the heat of the moment, I can’t even think straight.  My fiancé can win any argument, and can tie me in knots.  She run circles around me with her words, all while I’m trying to figure out what I think.  The only way I can think is to get away.  If she’ll just let me be for a while I can figure it out and come back and explain.  But whenever she insists on talking it out right then, it is usually her talking and me hardly listening because I don’t know what I think yet.”

That type of comment was very common among the men I interviewed.  Because the male brain is specifically wired that way.  As women, because our brains are wired with certain types of connections we can process a high degree of emotion and still think clearly.  In fact the female brain actually does better at thinking through emotional topics by talking them through.  But as my husband, Jeff, puts it, “For most men, emotion furs up the gears.”  There are always exceptions, but the male brain usually needs to disengage from an emotional conversation in order to think something through deeply, clearly and productively.

In other words, although there’s certainly a chance that the boyfriend of that reader may indeed be trying to “run” or “escape” in an unhealthy way, since she described him as a great guy I think it is far more likely that he’s just… a guy.  With a male brain that is working the way a male brain is designed to work.

We can hope that men will put some effort into how they pull away, so that they don’t make their partner’s concern worse.  (Men, see For Men Only for how to do that.)  But if we are honoring their wiring – in the same way we want them to honor ours – it is important to avoid ascribing bad motives to their actions without other cause.

Which leads me to Reason #2:

Reason #2: He is trying to protect you and the relationship

Fully 71% of men in the For Women Only surveys (which were nationally representative) said that the primary reason they walk away from emotional conversations is this: “Because I don’t want to say something in the heat of the moment that I’ll regret later.”  A man usually cares for the woman in his life, and doesn’t want to hurt her.  He is worried that when emotion “furs up the gears,” that he’ll say something that will hurt her.  So he makes his escape.  Not because he doesn’t care… but because he does.

Sure, not every guy will have these altruistic motives.  I’m sure there are men who are just grumpy and uncaring.  Men who don’t like being challenged.  Or are pathological conflict avoiders.  And some men deeply damage their mate and the relationship because they constantly pull away… but never fully come back once they have processed things through.

But most men do care.  And if we start from that assumption, it will be far easier for him to hear and understand when we explain how insecure his withdrawal makes us feel and the benefit of giving us his reassurance (“We’ll be okay”) before he gets the space he needs.

Wish Shaunti could speak at an event in your area? You can help! Forward this piece or others to a leader at your organization or church, with a note of recommendation. They can reach Shaunti at NDuncan@shaunti.com.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

The post Two reasons why he walks away from an emotional conversation appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

The two most dangerous assumptions women make about relationships

After I finished speaking at a recent women’s event, a beautiful woman who I will call Sierra came up to ask me a question.  “How can I get my husband to do anything to improve our relationship?  He has completely shut down on me.  He won’t go to counseling, he won’t read any books.”  She picked up one of the books on my book table – For Men Only, which is a little book specifically written to help men understand women – and said, “I know he won’t read this if I ask him to.”

She looked exasperated.  “He says he loves me, but he won’t do the things you’re supposed to do to make a relationship happy.  For example, if he gets angry at something, he shuts down for hours.  He won’t listen when I tell him that you just can’t do that.  He won’t even try anymore to improve how he relates.  And now he says he’s given up on trying to make things better.”

Ten years ago, I wouldn’t have spotted the two big, dangerous assumptions hidden in her words.  Assumptions that most women subconsciously default to, if we are not careful. Assumptions that poison our marriages without us ever realizing it.

Did you spot the key phrase, the clue, as to what was in her mind?

“He won’t even try anymore to improve how he relates.”

Let’s take a look at the two dangerous assumptions behind that phrase – and what to do when we think the same thing!

Dangerous Assumption #1: We think we are the ones who are good at relationships

Yeah.  Many of us look at that and go, “And… what’s the problem with that?”  We think women are the ones who are good at relationships.  That we are the ones with the interpersonal skills.

Right?

The problem: That thought translates into the next, slightly condescending thought along: “He has to learn to relate better.”

Well, maybe he does, maybe he doesn’t… but who says it is only him?  The deeply held belief is essentially that we are good at doing relationships, and he, poor dear, is not.  Mr. Counselor, tell my husband what he needs to know and do differently, because I’m at my wit’s end.

Yet nearly always, when I press into a conversation about this, I discover that she is doing exactly what I too have so often done before.   She, like many of us, is doing things that are hurting her husband every single day… and yet she would never intend it.  But — also like many of us– she simply doesn’t realize it.

We just have no idea.

In other words… we aren’t as good at relationships as we think we are.

And there’s no better way to shut down your partner than to vividly see all the things he needs to change, and few of the ways you’re hurting him.   Because at some point, he will conclude, quite logically, that there’s no more point in trying.

Dangerous Assumption #2: We think he has to learn to relate the way we do 

If the first thought (“He has to learn to relate better”) is like filling a syringe full of poison, what injects that poison into the veins is the logical follow up thought: “He has to learn to relate the way I do.”

Most of us would never say that out loud.  We probably wouldn’t even consciously think it.  But unless we are careful, it is there underneath many actions in our relationship.

“You just can’t do that,” is the way Sierra put it.  And in similar circumstances, many of us might agree.

We think: You just shouldn’t get mad at certain things.  If you load the dishes in the dishwasher wrong, I’m going to re-do them!  I’m going to put them in properly so the dishes get cleaned.  Why does that bother you? You shouldn’t be so oversensitive.  Sheesh.

Without realizing it, we think of a certain way of relating as just the way that it “should” be.  And we as women rarely confront this awesome truth: the way God has wired men to relate is totally legitimate.  It is just, often, totally different.

For example, we women value efficiency and corrective “help.”  We have figured out how to get every one of those 87 dishes we used tonight in that dishwasher so that it cleans them properly and does its job well. And if someone doesn’t know how to do that properly, well, we help them to do so. Or we simply do it over so that it gets done right.

Men value effort and accomplishment. And honor given for that effort and accomplishment.  If a job is done with care, one gives thanks or appreciation.  And one definitely doesn’t give the person who is expecting a “thank you,” a slap in the face instead.  Which, in the man’s mind, is exactly what you are doing when you un-do everything he just did.

“But,” you protest, “that’s not the way you load a dishwasher!”

Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t…. but who says your way is “right” and his is “wrong?”  Maybe his way of loading the dishwasher is just fine.  But more to the point: who says that your indignation is right and his anger is wrong?   The way God wired men to relate is totally legitimate.  In other words: it could be completely legitimate for him to be hurt; for him to feel that you met his careful effort with a slap in the face.  Even if you would never see it that way. It is completely legitimate for him to expect a “thanks” for a job done with care, and the “help” to come the next day.  If at all.

You may be rolling your eyes at this.  Or even offended.  It is ridiculous to pander to his ego with appreciation for doing a chore I do every day without expecting thanks, you may think.

In other words, your assumption is: His needs, hurts, and way of relating are not legitimate.  He has to learn to relate the way I do. 

So often, there is no one right way of feeling and no one right way of doing.  It is a matter of judgment and opinion.  Of different insecurities, different needs.  Different people.

I’ll tell you what I told Sierra after that event.  What I tell myself every day, as I too walk out this learning process: Realize that your husband is good at relationships, too.  That he cares.  That he may have a very different way of handling things and seeing things, but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t care.  Give him credit for that.  Appreciate how he does handle things.  Tell him so.

And realize: you have to learn to relate better, too.

Wish Shaunti could speak at an event in your area? You can help! Forward this piece or others to a leader at your organization or church, with a note of recommendation. They can reach Shaunti at NDuncan@shaunti.com.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

The post The two most dangerous assumptions women make about relationships appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

My Readers Make Me Cry (A Heart-felt Thanks)

Really, you all. You make me cry. In a very good way. I cannot tell you how much I have appreciated the flood of support and encouragement I’ve seen since I shared on my blog about our son’s epilepsy and the many struggles that result.

You have posted encouragement on social media, sent amazing emails through our website, and written such helpful words of care and comfort in the comments on the blog. All of this has reduced me to tears many times, affirming that “God’s got this” in so many, many ways. Thanks for sharing your stories with me.

I know that many of you have situations that seem dark in your lives as well. As I said, I know many, many families face far greater burdens. I thought you might get encouragement from what I’ve heard from others, too! Check out, for example, the stories in the comments at the bottom of the blog, like that from “Karen.”  Stories of miraculous healing. Of miraculous provision. Of God taking desperately difficult events that happen in seeming darkness and turning them to things of light and beauty over time.

I needed to hear all of that. Maybe you, do, too.

I also needed the reminder I saw in this excellent article, “The Struggles and Resilience of Even the Superhuman”

Look at this excerpt, about the author’s thoughts as she watched the Olympics:

As I watched, it got me thinking about what got these athletes here … They definitely seem superhuman….But as I heard their stories of struggle along with the glory, a great opportunity today arose for me to talk to my kids about how awesome their struggles and failures could be…

From the Syrian refugee that further developed her life skills by literally swimming for her life as her boat capsized in the Aegean Sea fleeing her war torn country, to Simone Biles coming out of the foster care system after being placed there with her sister by an mother addicted to drugs and alcohol, there is a sense of what real human capital means.

Even our most decorated Michael Phelps, had a dark period that included suicidal thoughts and excessive drinking to numb his demons….

They all have incredible stories that exemplify the one character trait that is the most important for our kids to know and cultivate.

Resilience.

The ability to get up just like Mo Farah did last night when he tumbled in the 10,000m run. (Not only did he get up, he came from behind to win against two of the fastest men in the world.)…

These skills cannot be taught without opportunities to fail, to fall down, and to have questions that literally have no answers. If we shield kids from making fantastically horrible mistakes under our roofs, including our schools, then we have stopped resiliency training dead in its tracks.

Resilience “cannot be taught without opportunities to fail, to fall down, and to have questions that literally have no answers.  If we shield kids from [that] then we have stopped resiliency training.”

There’s such a temptation for me to shield my son from everything. As I said in the blog, I would do anything to take his struggles on myself and shield him from the pain he goes through.

But I can’t. And I shouldn’t. God knows best. I want a resilient son. And I know God will take this tough time and turn it into something beautiful.

The post My Readers Make Me Cry (A Heart-felt Thanks) appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Let’s Stop Dissing Dads (And the Daddy Commercial That Made Me Cry)

OK, it’s my turn to ask a question: why do we think it is okay to publicly ridicule men as lazy, uncaring so-and-so’s who just don’t work as hard as we noble, all-giving, all-caring women?

A friend showed me this e-card recently, and it made me steaming mad.  For those who can’t see the image, it is a picture of an exhausted woman, with her hand over her eyes, and the caption, “You know that feeling of being able to sit down when you’re exhausted?  Yeah, me either.  I’m not a dad.”

Now, I like quirky e-cards and memes as much as the next person.  I find most gender humor quite hilarious.  But something so overtly mean to one gender cannot be funny.

After all, how would we women like it if the e-card said, “You know that feeling of being able to sit down when you’ve been mowing the lawn and trimming hedges in the summer heat all afternoon?  Yeah, me either.  I’m not a wife.”

There would be a well-deserved uproar!  Women would be calling for the head of whomever wrote it. And whomever was crass enough to share it – and laugh about it – on social media.

Yes of course, there are men who do no chores, who watch their wives struggling to do everything without stirring themselves to help.   There are men who, if their wife says ‘Honey, can you give the kids their bath?’, or ‘Could you run and get milk from the store?’ will look exasperated and elect to keep going with their very important gaming efforts.   There are men who are lazy, or gaming addicts, or just don’t care that much.

But those men are rare.  In our surveys, it is very clear that the vast majority of men think about protecting and providing for their families a lot.  They work hard to bring home a paycheck, to mow the lawn, to do the dishes, to do whatever they can to serve their families.  Just like we women do.  For most men, the question, “What can I do to make my wife happy?  What can I do to take care of my family?” is at the forefront of their minds.  They may not do it exactly the way their wives want…. They may doubt their abilities as a father… They may take what we think is “too much” downtime after work when dinner needs to get done… They may have different definitions of what is necessary to do, when… but none of that changes the fact that they want to do whatever they need to do to care for their families.

In fact the Dove brand – that champion of “realness” in women – did a 2014 survey of real dads out of curiosity.  They found that how fathers are portrayed in the media is not at all reflective of how they view themselves.  In fact, of all dads (which presumably includes those without kids at home!) 74% say they are actively caring for their kids’ emotional well-being, and 51% are taking direct responsibility for their kids’ daily needs.  Nine in ten see their care for family as a sign of strength.

Now, imagine how those men see that e-card.  Is there any better way to demoralize your husband – or the little future husband that you are raising, for some future wife! — than to find that funny?

Let’s fight that cultural trend.  Let’s actively celebrate our men in their role as dads, even if we wish they would do more chores, or do them differently, or whatever.  (Stay tuned to this column; I’ll be addressing why we see some men doing fewer chores – and what to do about it — in a few weeks.)

Let’s encourage our men by seeing the best in them and celebrating it, instead of telling them we expect them to fail.

One great example of encouragement is the Dove “Real Dads” video.  It made me cry.  And statistically, it is a much more realistic reflection of how much dads do, and how much they care.

Take a look, and see why.

(via dovemencare.com)

Wish Shaunti could speak at an event in your area? You can help! Forward this piece or others to a leader at your organization or church, with a note of recommendation. They can reach Shaunti at NDuncan@shaunti.com.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

The post Let’s Stop Dissing Dads (And the Daddy Commercial That Made Me Cry) appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Help Us Lead a Movement of Kindness

Dear Leader,

Thank you for your interest in leading this movement of kindness! This is a time in our culture when people have become very aware of how unkind we’ve become, especially during this year of brutal presidential politics and social division.  We believe solutions to transform this culture should be led by the body of Christ!

What is the 30-Day Kindness Challenge?

My new book covers a multi-year study of the surprisingly powerful impact of kindness on relationships and society, in particular an application we call the 30-Day Kindness Challenge.  About 750 participants picked a particular person in their life – spouse, child, co-worker, mother-in-law – and for thirty days a) said nothing negative about them (either to that person or about them to someone else), b) found one thing each day to affirm (to the person and about them to someone else) and c) did a small act of kindness or generosity.

My conclusions after all of that: a) People often don’t realize how unkind they are being, until after they are purposeful about it.  b) Kindness is a superpower.   And c) Whether we thrive in life and relationships is far more related to how we treat other people, than how we ourselves are treated.  All of which is not surprising from a biblical perspective, and which you’ve likely seen many times in your work – but is a message our culture desperately needs.

What can you do?

You have the opportunity to create a private-label version of the 30-Day Kindness Challenge for your church, ministry or group (e.g., The Hills Church 30-Day Kindness Challenge) to specifically engage your followers, reach out to new people and lead the way in this kindness movement.

There are a few different ways to execute the challenge; but for every group that signs up, participants receive 30 daily reminder emails we’ve tested and found effective.  You can either send those emails from your system (which, as a side note, provides a great email acquisition strategy), or refer people to ours.

We’ve seen the 30-Day Kindness Challenge go viral and attract new participants as the Challenge goes on; people are so excited about the results they tell everyone!  It is not just a way to impact our culture: it is a wonderful tool for engaging and ministering to your people and reaching out to others.

Will you help lead this movement of kindness? 

If you would like to sign on to be a leader in the 30-Day Kindness Challenge, or would like more information, email Nola Meyer – nmeyer@shaunti.com.

Thank you for your heart to transform our culture!

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Men, Avoid This Sneaky Trap That Will Kill Your Marriage

Last week, speaking primarily to women, we revealed the sneaky trap that will quietly but efficiently kill any marriage:

Never, ever, ever think your spouse “shouldn’t” be hurt by something that wouldn’t hurt you.

The same trap can and often does ensnare men.

For both men and women, we often completely forget (or brush off altogether) the fact that we are very different, and thus have very different insecurities.  Different doubts, worries, needs and desires.  Which means: things that wouldn’t bother us in any way might legitimately hurt our spouse.

Guys, what does this mean for you?  Never, ever underestimate your ability to either make your wife feel secure in your love – or very insecure.

I know this sounds odd to you, but even the most confident woman, in a great relationship, has subconscious doubts that you don’t usually see. Most women (82% according to our For Men Only survey) have a deep hidden question. Am I loveable?  Am I beautiful?  Especially to him?  Is he glad he married me?

Although there are exceptions, most men don’t have those questions.  Once you are married, you probably don’t wonder, “Does she love me?  Is she glad she married me?”  So you don’t realize your wife does have those questions.  And you have no idea how easily she can doubt the answers.

So imagine that you are displeased with your wife over something that happened.  Maybe she overrode a decision you made about one of the kids.  Maybe she did something that made you feel stupid in front of your friends.  It isn’t a huge life-altering deal, but it matters to you and you’re legitimately upset.  You withdraw.  Or maybe it isn’t really about her; maybe you’re mostly worrying over some mistakes at work.  Maybe you’re working lots of extra hours, and are just tired and in a bad mood this week.

Regardless of the situation, you can tell she wants to talk.  Or she wants to make up.  But you’re just not ready.  Instead you’re withdrawn, silent, maybe angry, maybe sullen and grumpy for a while.

None of what you’re doing would particularly hurt, if she was doing it to you. At least that much.

For her, it is excruciating.

Why?  Because it is triggering her personal insecurity.  Without realizing it – and certainly without intending to! — you are answering “Am I loveable?  Is he glad he married me?” with a resounding “NO.”

What to do?  Two things:

First, you probably assume she knows how much I love her.  Don’t!  She has the “Is he glad he married me?” question every day, so she needs to know the answer through simple words and gestures every day.  (See this column for ideas.)

But second, and more to our point here, realize: what wouldn’t hurt you much (if at all) legitimately hurts your wife.  So when you’re upset, she needs reassurance of your love to diminish that hurt, or avoid it entirely. Now, you may or may not be able to immediately change your feelings, or your desire to withdraw.  But you can change how you handle it.  This reassurance will go a long way: “I’m upset, I need some space to process this, but I love you and we’re okay.”  That will tell her that this period of displeasure is not the beginning of things going bad.

Your wife is a smart woman, and she probably knows that logically… but because she is different from you, her heart needs to hear it.

Wish Shaunti could speak at an event in your area? You can help! Forward this piece or others to a leader at your organization or church, with a note of recommendation. They can reach Shaunti at NDuncan@shaunti.com.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

The post Men, Avoid This Sneaky Trap That Will Kill Your Marriage appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Look What Arrived in the Mail!

A package came in the mail and look what it is!!!

https://vimeo.com/180167319Shaunti gets the typeset copy of The Kindness Challenge Book! from Shaunti Feldhahn on Vimeo.

Send an email to CNiziol@shaunti.com if you want to be on the short list to hear more about the launch team in about two weeks, once we can share everything that is secret now!

The post Look What Arrived in the Mail! appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Our Son’s Epilepsy Was Only The Beginning of the Story

You know those times when you see your child deeply struggling and in pain, and you would do almost anything to take that pain on yourself?  But instead you can only support them through it?  When they sob, all you can do is hug them tight and pray.   When they feel buried under the weight of challenges most adults will never face, you tell them that God is with them in the dark places.  When they step out in courage to try and try and try again… and still fall far short… you reassure them that God will use these trials to strengthen them in ways we can’t yet comprehend.   And yet even as you show your child how to stand in faith, your own fear sometimes breaks through.  You fight panic.  Your heart aches.

You know that feeling of praying with everything that is in you for God to take this trial from your precious child?

That’s where Jeff and I are now.

And after dealing with our situation for months on our own, talking about it with only our close family, friends, and prayer team, I realized: you are our family, too.  We’ve shared time with many of you at events, conferences and worship services.  Many of you have read our books and shared them with others.  You’ve invited us into some of the most intimate places of your lives.  So we wanted to invite you into ours.

I thought you would want to know what is going on; that you would want to know how to pray for us.

As some of you know, we discovered two years ago that our son (now 13 years old) has epilepsy.  And although his seizures are thankfully under control, we learned last year that he has uncontrolled brain “spikes” every few seconds.  This abnormal electrical activity is not seizure activity, but that technicality doesn’t really matter:  Having hundreds of spikes per hour appears to be dramatically impacting his working memory and ability to process things in a normal way.  It has hindered his ability to comprehend what he reads or hears in the way he used to.

We know so many families deal with so much worse.  But watching our hard-working, desiring-to-please, straight-A son suddenly struggle with his brain betraying him (the official diagnosis is a “cognitive communication deficit”) has been very hard.  Especially in those moments when his great attitude cracks, his happy-go-lucky mask falls away, and he breaks down.

This summer, within a week of getting that diagnosis, we stepped out in faith to get him into a type of highly-recommended, intensive, daily language therapy that was brand-new to us.  “In faith” because we had tried many things that didn’t work very well, and had no idea whether this would help much more.  “In faith” because he has so much courage and is willing to work hard, but there is only so much discouragement a person can take if he tried and tried and it didn’t work well.  “In faith” because it costs $30,000 a year, which might as well be the moon to us.  And “in faith” because so far our health insurance is not willing to pay for much of it.

Within a month, we had seen our son’s reading comprehension grow by leaps and bounds.  We saw the light in his eyes as he animatedly explained – with perfect clarity – something he read or learned.   Some wonderfully loving family members stepped in to help.  And we opened our mail one day and out fell a $3,000 check from a caring couple who we don’t even know that well, who simply felt led to help with our medical expenses.

God was telling us: I’ve got this.

I remind myself of that in the dark moments when fear tries to take hold.   What about his future?  What about our finances? How will we pay for these medical expenses and still pay our staff salaries? Will this spark of hope grow, or will the many real challenges bring us crashing down again?   Will he be able to go to college and fulfill his dream of being an engineer and inventing the Star Trek teleporter?  Is there a path of healing for his brain?

In those moments, I remind myself of what I know:  God is good.  He’s got this.

I look at our son, and see a kid who the professionals expected to be dealing with clinical levels of depression or anxiety.  Instead, I see a good kid with a great attitude, and a simple but deep trust in God.  He trusts that God has got this.

I know that God has this.

But I also know: we sure appreciate your prayers.  Prayers for our son’s healing, for the insurance company to agree to cover his treatment, for miraculous provision of the large costs that arise even if insurance covers it, and for us to honor God through it all.

I don’t know how often we will have updates – everything is such a long process – but we will send out updates as we have them. Thanks for being our family, and letting us share.

The post Our Son’s Epilepsy Was Only The Beginning of the Story appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

An (Updated) Letter from Shaunti: Do you want to help lead the launch of The Kindness Challenge in early 2017?

Hi friends –

There is something very exciting happening, and we can’t release details yet (we’ll be able to reveal everything on our website and private webinar in September!), but for now I’d like to ask you to consider this question: Are you or your group interested in being a part of our launch team for The Kindness Challenge in January / February 2017?

If you want to hear more, contact us and we will email you as soon as we are free to share. We are looking for individuals, groups, churches, businesses, leadership networks, ministries, schools, counseling centers, broadcasting networks, moms, dads, singles, young people, retirees…. anyone who will reach out to their sphere of influence.  We need your leadership in a movement to transform relationships and our culture with kindness.

We are not taking sign-ups quite yet, but we are getting very close!  Contact us if you want us to keep you updated and let you know when I schedule my private webinar just with those on the launch team.  And in the meantime, take a look at the background briefing and sneak peek at our research findings below!

With appreciation,

Shaunti Feldhahn

BRIEFING ON THE KINDNESS CHALLENGE

Here is a bit of background: My new book The Kindness Challenge will be launching at the New Year, based on the research for the 30-Day Kindness Challenge that many of you participated in.  Through this process we have seen the astounding power of kindness to transform hurting relationships, make good ones better – and change our culture.

And it is so simple. For thirty days, all people do every day is 1) stop saying negative things to or about someone, 2) say positive things to and about them instead and 3) do small acts of generosity.

That’s it.  So simple but so powerful.

Want a confidential sneak peek from the research about just how powerful?  Take a look:

When I got the before-and-after survey results back, I had to recalculate it just to be sure the number was truly that high!  Not everyone chose to do the actual 30-Day Kindness Challenge (some people concentrated on the “daily tips” we sent out instead), but nine out of every ten people who did saw their relationship improve. It didn’t matter whether someone was doing this for a spouse, a child, a colleague, in-law, neighbor…  89% improved across the board.

All because someone was kind — in a very specific way. A way that eliminates all delusion about how unkind we often are and provides a method that is simple and do-able for everyone from the astute, experienced, self-improvement junkie, to the struggling spouse grasping at straws, to the supervisor or school administrator who needs a method to improve a toxic environment.

Our culture is in desperate need of kindness – especially with this book releasing in January 2017 after the most divisive and harsh presidential election cycle imaginable. I could never have planned the timing on this, but Someone else sure did!

Please click here to learn more in a few weeks, about how you can be a part of it!

The post An (Updated) Letter from Shaunti: Do you want to help lead the launch of The Kindness Challenge in early 2017? appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.