Shaunti Feldhahn's Blog, page 55

What NOT to say to your man – ever.

Ladies, if there were a reality TV show like “What NOT to Wear,” but for relationships, these three things would be at the top of the list for “What NOT to say to your man.”  Now, don’t get me wrong; I’ve actually said all these things at one point!  You’ve probably said them, too.    And you probably also saw the same thing I did: it never works out so well.  Why?  In research with thousands of men I learned these hurt far more than your man (or your son!) will ever let on.  So let’s agree to put these on our no-no list.

“What were you thinking?”  The truth is, this phrase is demeaning when said to anyone (would you want your man to say it to you?) but when applied to a male (husband, boyfriend, son, colleague…) it layers pain on top of humiliation.  Let’s be honest: the translation of this phrase is “You weren’t thinking.”  But although we may not see it immediately, most guys think things through and have legitimate reasons for what they do — just like we do. The problem for us is that we don’t know that they have thought it through because (unlike us) they usually don’t think it through by talking it through.  The male brain tends to need to process things internally.  So you may not agree with his reason, but he probably does have one.  So the next time you’re perplexed, angry or exasperated, stop yourself from blurting out this phrase.  Instead, assume he probably has a reason for this and politely ask, “I know you had a reason, can you help me understand?”


“You didn’t do a good job at ______.”  Whether spoken or implied, this comment is way, way more toxic to a male than you ever realized.  In fact, the research is clear that it’s a guy’s equivalent of hearing “I don’t love you.”  The reason is a hidden emotional reality.   Where a woman’s most profound inner vulnerability is usually, “Am I loveable?” a man’s is usually, “Am I any good at what I do?”  Each of us subconsciously look for signals from our mate about the answer to our inner question.  You may think it is such a little thing when you re-clean the kitchen counters after he has just done it, or re-make the bed “the right way.”  But for him, it looms large.  (This is why you start hearing him say “Nothing I do is ever good enough for you.”)  So when you see something that isn’t done “your way” ask yourself if correcting it is worth hurting his feelings. (Even if you don’t understand why on earth they would be hurt!).  If it is worth hurting him, well then fine, but correct him in a gentle way that tells him “I know you want me to be happy, and this is the way I like such-and-such.”   (“Thanks for cleaning the kitchen.  Do you mind if I move a few things back around?  I really do like the spice rack over here.”)  But even better, look for ways to answer his inner question in a positive way: simply say “thanks for making the bed, honey,” and you’ll be surprised at how happy that makes him.


 This, placed in front of any words – or on its own – is like a knife.  As you can infer from the findings discussed above, a man’s greatest emotional need is to feel that you respect, appreciate, admire and believe in him.   Signs of exasperation say exactly the opposite.  We would never look at this man we love, and say out loud, “You’re an idiot” or “you’re incompetent” – yet we don’t realize that the sigh of exasperation says exactly that.  When we are frustrated, it makes all the difference if we take a deep breath, count to three, and say what we need to say in a calm and respectful way instead.

I know it may be hard to believe that these things really matter.  In fact, you may want to give a sigh of exasperation at this list!  But since each of us does care about our man, let’s give it a shot.  Try minimizing the above words and actions, and exploring the positive alternatives instead.  The response you get will be the best possible incentive to continue.

Want to know how to be kind, when you really don’t want to be? My research uncovered three daily actions that will transform your relationships – and you. Check out The Kindness Challenge, now available!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average, clueless people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

The post What NOT to say to your man – ever. appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Don’t forget this simple way to make your wife happy

Dear Shaunti,

I’m in hot water. My wife is the most beautiful, amazing woman I know. (I’m sure she’d tell you otherwise, but it’s true.) But I just don’t talk a lot, and it is hard for me to remember to say things like “You look pretty” out loud. Last week, she had an epic melt-down while I was watching TV. She snatched the remote out of my hand, and told me I never compliment her, don’t appreciate her and all she does, never notice her efforts to keep the house neat or take care of the kids… and the list goes on (for a while). But I do appreciate her!  I bring her flowers regularly, and I try to help her keep the house neat. She’s an amazing wife. And even after more than 10 years of marriage, she’s a looker – I just don’t remember to say that kind of stuff. How can I suddenly become a “talker,” when that just isn’t me?

In the Doghouse

Dear Doghouse,

That old saying, “actions speak louder than words” can sometimes get us in a lot of trouble. Because both matter. A lot. And all the bring-her-flowers actions in the world won’t matter if your wife needs to hear you say “I love you” and “You’re beautiful”… and you don’t. I don’t know what happened with the whole TV-room meltdown, but my guess is that your wife wants to know that you to notice her more than the TV.

Your wife, like most women, needs to hear you say out loud that she’s beautiful to you.  In our For Men Only surveys, we found that overwhelmingly true especially among women like your wife. Among women in that busy, raising-kids season, 85% are longing for their husbands to say these things, not just think them.

Because unless you say it, how will she know you feel that way? After all, this culture pretty much ensures she will assume the opposite. It is tough out there in a world where the “ideal” female image is Photoshopped so that even the supermodels hardly measure up!  And if they don’t, even the best wife and mom can easily feel that she’s just one step this side of ugly. Every day the magazines in the check-out line and the commercials on television tell your wife that she needs to lose weight, look younger, be sexy – in all honesty, be perfect. This kind of pressure can be crippling and hurtful, and it is constantly in your wife’s face.

As her man, you have incredible power to build her up (or tear her down) by what you say… or don’t say. Because staying silent while your wife is beaten up by those “you’re not enough” messages is not a neutral posture. Either you’re fighting those messages by what you tell her (“You get more beautiful every year”), or you’re leaving her to get beat up alone.

You say you don’t remember to “say that kind of stuff?” Picture me trying really hard to not roll my eyes.

Do you remember to tell your boss what happened in that meeting yesterday? Do you remember to call back your client?

I guarantee you that every day at work or in other parts of your life there are dozens of things you’ve trained yourself to say out loud. Why? Because they absolutely need to be said in order for your job or that activity to function well.

Well, guess what? Telling your wife that she is beautiful, or that you appreciate what she does, is what needs to be said in order for your marriage to function well.

This isn’t an option. It is not a “nice to have” that you can afford to forget at the end of a long, tiring day. You must learn the habit and the skill of complimenting and thanking your wife, just like you learn the habit and the skill of telling your boss what he or she needs to know.

So here’s your assignment to build that habit: Every day for the next month, think of at least three affirming words or expressions of gratitude – “You look beautiful today” or “Thank you so much for making this great dinner” – and say them.

That kind of compliment might not feel natural at first, but if you stick with it, it’ll eventually feel as comfortable as “Pass the remote.”

Want to know how to be kind, when you really don’t want to be? My research uncovered three daily actions that will transform your relationships – and you. Check out The Kindness Challenge, now available!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average, clueless people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

The post Don’t forget this simple way to make your wife happy appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

This particular feeling is EXCRUCIATING for men

Dear Shaunti:

My husband is great at many things, but sometimes he struggles with getting a new task accomplished. Like, he’s great at carpentry, but it might take him two or three days to figure out how to create a new type of bookcase I want for the kids’ bedroom. But when I offer an opinion or suggest a solution, he goes ballistic. Why is he so sensitive? I’m just trying to  help  and he acts like I’m trying to stick a pin in his eye.  Am I supposed to just shut up and quit offering my input when I think there’s a better way to do something?  What happened to being equal partners?

– Walking On Eggshells

Dear Eggshells,

Part of being equal partners means getting in tune with how each other think: and right now, you’re way off key.  It will help you a lot to understand how men think — which, admittedly, can seem really weird at times.

When I started researching men, one of the things that most surprised me is how important it is for a man to feel that his wife trusts, appreciates, and respects him — and how surprisingly easy it is for him to feel that she doesn’t!  See, “super sensitive” is just code for “secretly insecure”.  A guy has a lot of hidden self-doubt.  He desperately wants to be a great husband who can meet your needs, be your hero and make you proud –but he worries that he’s not up to the task. Or, even worse, that you will see that he’s not up to the task.

In so many cases, when a man is trying to get something done, the issue is not really about the problem he’s trying to solve, it’s about whether you think he’s adequate to solve it.

Let’s say the two of you are late for an important dinner, he’s driving, you’re lost, the GPS was wrong, and he doesn’t want to stop to ask for directions.

For him, trying to find his way is not just an adventure; it is a test.  A test of whether he is capable to figure it out on his own. He wants to be the hero who is going to get his lady to that dinner on time. He wants to be a success in your eyes. So when you tell him he needs to stop and ask some other guy for directions, you’ve just told him he’s a failure. That he’s inadequate.

Now here is where we women think men are way too sensitive.  We’re not calling our man a failure – we’re just being efficiency experts, right?  But we also might think, Okay, so he feels inadequate.  But at least we got there on time.  What’s the big deal?

Actually, it is a big deal.

See, for most of us as women, feeling inadequate is unpleasant. For most men it is excruciating.  It hurts more than anything else ever can – especially when he feels like he’s inadequate for you.

My husband Jeff explained it to me this way:

It’s easy for a woman to say, ‘Oh, he’s being too sensitive.’ Maybe she’s right, but that’s because a guy has a deep doubt that he knows what he’s doing — and therefore a deep need to know that the person who knows him best is going to choose to believe in him, regardless.

Aren’t there things women are insecure and ultra-sensitive about, too? Would a woman like it if her husband teased her about gaining 10 pounds? Everyone is ultra-sensitive about something that touches on a deep insecurity.

So what’s a woman to do?  As one woman asked at a conference where I was speaking: “So, then, what do you say when your husband is driving around in circles? ‘I’m proud of you’?”

Everyone in the room had a good laugh over that one, me included. But here’s how I answered:

When a man is trying to accomplish anything (whether that’s building bookcases or trying to get somewhere on time), it makes all the difference if you ask yourself one question: What matters most in this situation? Is it A) that this thing gets accomplished, and does so in the way I think best?  Or is it B) meeting my man’s deepest emotional need, avoiding hurt to him, and preserving the relationship? 

In most cases – although certainly not all – when you look at it that way there’s no contest.  You may not say “I’m so proud of you” when he’s driving in circles (!) but perhaps you force yourself to remain silent. Perhaps you force yourself to trust that he is not an idiot and that because he is excruciatingly aware of the time ticking away and is anxious not to fail you, that he will come up with a solution.

And if you find yourself in that rare situation where getting the thing accomplished, and accomplished in your way, it is worth the hurt to the relationship, just remember: what matters most is not what you say but how you say it.  The men I interviewed said it felt very different if you explained your worry instead of ordering him to pull over. (“Honey, I’m beginning to get nervous that we might be late. Normally, I’d be okay if we drove a bit longer, but since this is a huge meeting would you mind if we stopped and I asked for directions?”)

Although your man is indeed sensitive inside, realize it is because he deeply wants to be your hero. So find ways to show him that you think he is the strong and competent man he wants to be! And if you do, you’ll see that sensitivity arising a lot less often.

Want to know how to be kind, when you really don’t want to be? My research uncovered three daily actions that will transform your relationships – and you. Check out The Kindness Challenge, now available!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average, clueless people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

The post This particular feeling is EXCRUCIATING for men appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

3 ways viewing porn harms your wife

Men, in more than a dozen years of research about how guys privately think about things like sex and porn use, I’ve seen a striking pattern. Although nearly all men are visually tempted today, and many hate and struggle against the temptation, most of those same men also think of it as a private thing that has nothing to do with their wives. They may feel awful about it, but they really don’t understand why their wives would. As one very representative guy told me, “Sometimes I deal with it great. Other times, not so much. But my wife knows I love her, right? She knows that if I look at porn it says nothing about my love for her.”

Guys, I’m here to tell you why you’re wrong. And please know I’m not trying to heap guilt or shame onto the heavy load you’re already carrying. Honestly, given my research with thousands of men for For Women Only and, more recently, Through a Man’s Eyes, I actually have immense compassion for your struggles in today’s culture.

But I’m here as a woman – and as a researcher – to help you understand the truth of what your wife has probably been telling you: that your porn use really does make her feel terrible.

Here are three of the reasons why:

1. To her, your porn use is, by definition, sexual involvement with someone other than her. Women generally aren’t as tempted toward self-stimulation as men are; and even where we are, it is usually around internal fantasies, not via external pictures of a completely different person. So when you’re looking at another woman and having a sexual experience at the same time, we view that as having a sexual experience with another woman. I know many men don’t view it that way. But we do. (And so does God, by the way. When Jesus calls it “committing adultery in your heart” he’s not just laying down a rule of some kind; he’s accurately describing what truly is going on in the hearts of men.)

2. For your wife, sexual attraction/involvement doesn’t happen without emotional connection and love. Our female brains are wired differently than yours. Although there are certainly exceptions, we women aren’t usually sexually tempted by a man unless we’re emotionally attracted to and connected with him. And of course if we’re married, we think there’s no way we would “let” ourselves become emotionally attracted to someone other than the man we love. Thus, if you’re sexually tempted by other women (even images of them), we instinctively feel you must also be “letting yourself” get emotionally attracted and connecting to these other women; you must have some love for them, somehow. And that makes what might otherwise be seen as a purely emotionless sexual, physical experience (see #1) seem like a painful betrayal. The wounded heart cries, But you promised to love me, and me alone!

3. Your wife already feels she cannot measure up to other women… and you just confirmed it. This, oddly enough, is probably the most gut-wrenching feeling underneath the other two. Everyone has different fears and insecurities, but we discovered in our study with women for For Men Only that one of the most common insecurities for us as women is the deep desire to know that we are beautiful to our men – as well as the deep doubt that we are.

You know all those images out there in the world that tempt you to look at them? The cover of the magazine, the girl in the short-shorts, the babe on the TV? Well, we see all those images too. And as they parade by, they tempt you … but they destroy us. They whisper, You’ll never be pretty/thin/tall/well-endowed enough to be attractive to anyone. You’ll never measure up to this. You’re not beautiful; you’re ugly. And once we get married, we think we’ve found someone who does find us beautiful…. But that underlying insecurity is still there. So we subconsciously wonder, “But am I attractive enough for him?” And if your head swivels sideways when the hot girl saunters by, or we discover you’ve been looking at porn, you’ve just confirmed our deepest fears. No. We’re not enough. We’re not beautiful enough for our husband. It can be devastating.

Now, let me reiterate: I do not share those three things to make you feel terrible, or burden you with shame. I don’t even share those to give you more pressure than you may already feel. I trust that if you have read this far, that you deeply love your wife and truly want to be the man she needs. So I share this solely so you can know what is likely going on, deep down, inside the woman you love. She needs your reassurance and your protection.

We are strong, confident women on the outside. But on the inside, most of us are still like those young girls who secretly hope that our Prince Charming will show us, yet again, that he finds us beautiful.

Men, you’ve got a treasure in your hands: your wife’s vulnerable heart. Ask God for what I know you truly do want: the ability to hold and protect that treasure well.

Want to know how to be kind, when you really don’t want to be? My research uncovered three daily actions that will transform your relationships – and you. Check out The Kindness Challenge, now available!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average, clueless people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at XXXChurch.

The post 3 ways viewing porn harms your wife appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

How to respond to teenager attitude without losing your mind

Not that this ever happens. But every now and then our kids (girls and boys) might perhaps display a little attitude. Perhaps it’s an eye roll, a derisive tone, a sudden disrespectful temper. Whatever it is, it’s almost guaranteed to make a parent’s head explode.

We of course never did this.  Ever. We were perfect darlings.

We can’t imagine where they get it from.

And yet we still have to address it. Because (in all seriousness), the way we address it will either help our kids learn how to control their less-than-healthy attitudes — or give them license to develop even worse ones. Ones that don’t just drive parents nuts but which can wreck their school friendships… work habits… marriages.

So based on the research with 3,000 teens and pre-teens for For Parents Only and several of my other books, here are three actions to take whenever you see or hear an attitude:

1. Fight disrespect with respect. It is essential that we model the behavior we are looking for, rather than mirror the behavior we’re seeing. The teens told me parents had zero credibility to address their kids’ attitudes when they are doing so with an attitude of their own!  Yes, we certainly have every right to demand compliance regardless of how we ourselves behave– but what we most want is a heart shift. For the kid to recognize that their disrespect is hurtful and wrong, and there is another way. Personal confession: I still do this wrong all too often, but what the research has shown me is that if I can pause to get a grip on my own temper, I am far more likely to address my kids’ unhealthy words and actions in a healthy way.

2. Point it out and request a do-over.  It is amazing how often kids don’t realize the depth of contempt in their tone, or that their body language screams disdain. So make a habit of drawing attention to it when you see it. Don’t go overboard – the kids said they stopped listening if they heard the same thing 20 times in one day – but simply say something like, “When you say something in that tone, you may not realize it, but what you’re saying is, ‘You’re an idiot, Mom.’” Make sure you use a calm, matter-of-fact voice. Then ask them to repeat their statement in a more polite way, without the body language, poor tone, and eye-rolls.  You may have to try this a couple of times if they are in an emotional state, but over time they will get the hang of it. And if they know they will be asked to repeat themselves more calmly and politely, they will soon start self-regulating to be more calm and polite with you.

3. Address the insecurity under the attitude. Our research discovered that attitudes are like a flashing red warning light — a signal to parents to look at what might be underneath the attitude. Very often, derision or anger shows that this is a kid who simply isn’t feeling very good about herself or himself right now. Maybe she’s feeling unloved and rejected by friends at school.  Maybe he’s feeling stupid and inadequate because he’s getting poor grades. In their pain, kids will often subconsciously lash out with poor words and actions in the one place they hope to be shown “You are loved /believed in even at your worst.”   Don’t tolerate the disrespect but also address what is under it. For example, make sure she is given the opportunity to see that she is loved by friends, or that he is given help to overcome his feeling of inadequacy in school. Once they feel more secure in themselves, you’ll see those attitudes a lot less often.

Want to know how to be kind, when you really don’t want to be? My research uncovered three daily actions that will transform your relationships – and you. Check out The Kindness Challenge, now available!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average, clueless people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

The post How to respond to teenager attitude without losing your mind appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Husband acting grumpy and withdrawn? You can change that!

Ladies, does your man seem to be doing everything right outside of the house, but at home he is often grumpy and withdrawn? Does he seem to be pleasant to everyone but you? Does he get upset over the littlest things you do and say? Do you feel like you are being ignored? If you are nodding yes, yes, yes, then here’s a news flash for you: these are all signs of a man who is absolutely starving for affirmation.

My research has shown that being grumpy and withdrawn are two specific indicators of a man who is feeling unappreciated at home. If this is the case, my bet is that your husband is just itching to hear some positive affirmation from you about the things he is doing right!

I realize it might sound odd to hear that feeling unappreciated can lead to grumpiness, but keep this in mind: men and women are two totally different creatures. As women, we love to feel loved and know that our man adores and cherishes us. We light up when we hear him say, “I love you.” But he’s a very different person.

Instead of just hearing your undying affection, your man needs to see and hear that you notice what he does well. In other words: rather than hearing you correct him. Rather than hearing all the “helpful” advice you have about how he could have gotten the DVD player fixed more quickly, and gee, what a shame that we can’t watch a movie tonight as a family. Rather than hearing you mention – yet again – that he should have left work earlier to not have to rush to get Johnny to soccer.

All of which implies that he isn’t doing a good job as man or a husband.

All of which makes him withdrawn. Maybe even grumpy.

Why would a few well-placed corrective comments matter so much to a man? Because he doesn’t doubt whether you love him: he doubts whether he is any good at what he does for you. Inside, your man is crying out: Do I measure up? And more specifically: Does she think I measure up?

You might be skeptical that he’d really have that vulnerability. Trust me, if he’s like the vast majority of men on my surveys: he does. Which means even your most innocuous comments can come across to him as criticism. If he takes the car for a car wash, and you innocently ask, “Honey, why didn’t you fill the tank up while you were there?” you are directly saying “no you don’t measure up” – even if you would never think of it that way!

By criticizing something positive he has done, we are saying the exact opposite of what he’s craving to hear. In fact, we’ve just said the one thing he dreads most: “No, sorry, you don’t measure up; in fact, what you did wasn’t good enough. Fail!” And I can guarantee you that, when a guy feels inadequate and disrespected in that way, he is very likely going to get angry and shut down. And if it happens consistently, he’s going to get grumpy and withdrawn. Because hanging in there and continuing to try – only to be told you still aren’t good enough – is simply too painful.

So, if you are looking for the best way to get your husband to open up and love being with you again, start with this: for a few weeks, stop yourself from saying anything negative to him or about him. Instead, notice something each day that he does well and let him know how much you appreciate it. When he sheepishly confesses that he worked a bit late, and so Johnny was late to soccer again, give your man a big hug and tell him how much you appreciate that he works so hard to support the family – and still takes the time to cheer Johnny on. “It means so much to him that you are there with him at his practices.”

Seriously. Try it. I’ll bet the farm that those seemingly minor comments will have a huge impact on your man. And I can almost guarantee you that with all of that positive affirmation, you will begin seeing a lot less “grumpy” and a lot more “happy” in your hubby. Here’s to better days ahead!

Want to know how to be kind, when you really don’t want to be? My research uncovered three daily actions that will transform your relationships – and you. Check out The Kindness Challenge, now available!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average, clueless people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared on Patheos.

The post Husband acting grumpy and withdrawn? You can change that! appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Every woman desperately wants to hear this essential phrase

Every little girl dreams of finding her prince and knowing she is his princess. Husbands, you need to know that even after years of marriage, your wife probably still has some of that little girl inside. A little girl who wants to know she is still your leading lady. And one of the greatest ways you can get that truth to “stick” is by regularly telling your wife she is beautiful!

Our surveys found that inside nearly every woman is a deep desire to know she is beautiful. This is true no matter what age she is, or how successful or confident she may be.

You may be thinking, “But I do think my wife is beautiful!” The thing is, it’s easy to forget to put the thought into words! The best thing you can do is take every opportunity to tell her you feel that way.

Think about the last few times you both went out together—like on a date night or out with friends. It is very likely that your wife put in effort to look nice. Maybe she bought a new outfit to catch your eye, or took extra time on her hair and makeup. As you continued on to the restaurant or movie, did you ever hear her ask, “Honey, how do I look?”

Her question is pointing to her hope that you will say those magic words: how pretty she looks.

You see, every day your wife is bombarded with constant images from the media setting unrealistic expectations for beauty. These images tell her she must lose more weight, be sexier, look younger or dress better. It can take its toll on even the most confident of women. I know you want to make your wife happy, and the best relief you can give her from that pressure, the best antidote you can find for the forever-young, forever-size-two Photoshop expectations of this culture, is the encouragement of hearing how beautiful she is to you, in all her individuality.

One man told me that on his 30th anniversary, he did something he had never thought to do before: he took his wife’s lipstick and wrote on the mirror in their bathroom: “You are the most beautiful woman I know.” Three months later, that message was still there. She couldn’t bear to wash it off.

So find ways to say it out loud, and put it in writing. When you have date nights or she gets dressed up in a pretty outfit, tell her how amazing she looks. If you need to, take a sticky note and stick it on your computer or in your closet to help you remember. You’ll see so much delight on her face – you’ll see her start to believe it — as you get into the habit of putting into words that she is the most beautiful woman in the world to you.

Want to know how to be kind, when you really don’t want to be? My research uncovered three daily actions that will transform your relationships – and you. Check out The Kindness Challenge, now available!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average, clueless people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

The post Every woman desperately wants to hear this essential phrase appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

3 Powerful Life Lessons From a World War II Veteran

My husband and his whole family stood vigil by a hospice bedside last week. It was an honor guard for a great man as he stepped out of this life and into another.

My father-in-law was a simple man, yet his life taught some profound lessons. A man a generation older than my own father, but whose eyes had a permanently youthful sparkle. A man who volunteered for World War II, yet was a man of peace. A man born on a poor farm and who raised four boys on a small salary, but was one of the richest men I knew.

Here are three of the main lessons on life I learned from Bill Feldhahn, that we all need to be reminded of today:

Lesson #1: Courage is a Choice

Bill Feldhahn was an ordinary young American growing up in extraordinary times. As we were losing hundreds of thousands of young men and women in the European and Pacific theatres, he was working the family farm. So he was safe from the draft with a farm deferment. But his older sister’s husband was not. In 1944, when his brother-in-law was drafted, Bill took his place. He convinced his sister’s husband to stay home with her and their new baby. He traded his farm deferment for one of the most dangerous job in the flying forces: a tail gunner.

Years later, I asked my father-in-law how he had found the courage to volunteer during the most dangerous period of the war. Looking surprised at the question, he smiled and shrugged. It wasn’t courage, he told me, “It was just a choice. That’s what you do for family.”

It doesn’t matter that you’re afraid, he was saying. What matters is stepping up and doing what you know you should, in spite of your fear.

Today, far beyond the boundaries of war and military service, that lesson applies every day. I see it as my 14-year-old son comes forward to confess that he broke an important rule, knowing he will have some significant consequences. I see as a man steps up and marries the mother of his child, choosing the path of honor. I see it in a woman I know who quit a job she loved in order to stay home to care for a special-needs daughter.

Lesson #2: A Promise is a Promise

My father in law was a vow-keeper. After the war, he married his beautiful bride Roberta and vowed to care for her in sickness and in health. And he kept that promise. For 65 years, he worked to provide for her. First, during his professional years, as a real estate agent. As a deeply involved father to four boys. As a supportive husband who cheered her on as she decided to become a full-time teacher in her fifties. And much later, as a full-time caregiver.

As my mother-in-law’s brain slowly betrayed her over her last fifteen years of life, he demonstrated that true love is not always a feeling – it is an action. He gently cared for his wife through an intense season of treatment for colon cancer. And in her last years, as her dementia and physical ailments made her unable to care for herself, he became her full-time caregiver, doing ever more intimate jobs, and declining outside help.

As his sons pressed him to bring in others to help share the load, he shook his head. “This is just what a man does for his wife,” he said.

I’m sure there were many times of private anguish at the slow loss of his wife, and private frustration at the challenges of caring for her. But it didn’t change his actions.

When times get tough, whether with a marriage, a job or any other commitment, his example shows me the powerful impact of living up to your promises – not begrudgingly, but with willing compassion and care.

Lesson #3: Sacrifice Can Be Joyful

I think what impacted me most about Jeff’s father was his willingness to sacrifice for others. Joyfully. Not just for his country, or his brother, or his wife through so many years, but for anyone in his life.

When my husband graduated from high school, he and two of his brothers (who were all older) decided to open a restaurant together. His dad – again – stepped up.

Bill and Roberta decided to go into business with their sons, investing their entire life savings into the family business. Not for financial gain – as anyone in the restaurant business can attest, there’s no money in it! – but for years of togetherness with their sons.

Over the decades, in various cities, the boys owned family diners and pizza places. Jeff’s dad was always there, morning to night, grilling burgers, delivering pizza, clearing dirty dishes, doing maintenance, and mentoring his grandkids as they waited tables after school. All with a smile on his face, and that signature twinkle in his eye.

The restaurants always just barely scraped by – but it didn’t matter. Bill knew he was unlikely to get his life savings back. And indeed, he didn’t. For him, it wasn’t about the money. It was about being with his boys. Investing in their lives. Enjoying the journey.

For him, it wasn’t a sacrifice. It was a delight.

More than anything, that is a lesson I need to be reminded of today. When I face trials that are nowhere near as difficult as those of my father-in-law, I am going to picture the twinkle in his eyes. His memory reminds me to not just get through life, but to enjoy it. Dive in with full intentionality. Don’t let it get past you.

Truly, 92 years was a long, full life. But it was still way too few years with Bill Feldhahn. Yet I also know that our loss is heaven’s gain. And I’m sure those who have gone before us are appreciating the twinkle in his eyes.

Shaunti received her graduate degree from Harvard University and was an analyst on Wall Street before unexpectedly becoming a social researcher and best-selling author. Today, she applies her analytical skills to investigating eye-opening, life-changing truths about relationships, both at home and in the workplace. Her groundbreaking books, such as For Women Only, have sold more than 2 million copies in 23 languages, and her research is regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show and Focus on the Family, The New York Times and iMom. Shaunti, her husband Jeff and their two active kids live in Atlanta and enjoy every moment of life at warp speed.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

The post 3 Powerful Life Lessons From a World War II Veteran appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Dads, say this to your daughters

Dads, we know you love your daughter. And you know you love your daughter. But you might be surprised at much she needs to hear it. In the research with teens and preteens for For Parents Only, I found that these four phrases have a lot more impact than you might think. And as you’ll see, they are especially powerful and important when coming from a father.  Use them often!

1. “I love you, sweetheart.”  Until she is married, you are the main guy in your daughter’s life. So this gives you a special responsibility: countering the little voice inside the head of most girls (95%) and women (80%) that secretly wonders Am I loveable? Where you as a man probably have a little voice that asks Do I measure up? you might be shocked by how much your daughter doubts whether she is worth being loved and accepted by those around her. And feeling loved by a man is one of the main ways girls tend to look for an answer to that question.  So as you hug her, affirm her, and tell her just how loved and loveable she is, it is far less likely she’ll feel the need to go looking for love in all the wrong places.

2. “You’re beautiful.”  Just as girls doubt that they are lovable, they really doubt that they are lovely.  We women can be really hard on ourselves. We see all our flaws. And every magazine rack your daughter passes screams at her that how she looks is not enough. Your daughter needs to see evidence that she is beautiful, and the most healthy, human evidence of that at this time in her life is getting that verbal affirmation from you. When she comes in dressed for school, tell her she looks great. If you need to ask her to adjust her attire, make sure she knows you think she is beautiful, regardless. Even consider taking her shopping every now and then. She will love seeing you light up when she presents herself in a way that lights her up.

3. “I’m so proud of you.”  You like to hear this phrase. Your daughter does, too. The years daughters are living at home, involve lots of hard work, growing, and trying to find their way. We found in the research that all our kids (girls and boys) don’t have a clear roadmap for who they are and how they should handle life, school, relationships and everything else. They often feel like they are flailing around trying to figure it out.  And there is an immense relief when a parent says they are proud of them. Whew, I did something right!  This is vital from any parent figure, but it is very clear from our interviews and surveys that God has given it a special weight of authority when coming from a father. Don’t skimp on this phrase.

4. “I’m always here for you – even when you make mistakes.”  You may not always have to say this out loud (although you should do that too!) but you do need to show it.  As noted, our boys and girls won’t always do it right. They will mess up, not work hard enough, make wrong choices, and suffer the consequences. And they need to know that you are there with them through those consequences. This is key for girls and boys, but for a girl, when a father is angry or disappointed and seems to withdraw, she emotionally translates that as if he’s saying, “I don’t love you right now.” That is not at all what you’re saying, but that is what she’s hearing. So when she drives recklessly, despite all your efforts to teach safe driving, let her suffer the consequences of having to go to court – but show her that you will stand beside her throughout it and that you are there for her no matter what.

Want to know how to be kind, when you really don’t want to be?  My research uncovered three daily actions that will transform your relationships – and you. Check out The Kindness Challenge, now available!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average, clueless people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

The post Dads, say this to your daughters appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Three steps to seeing how mean you really are

Have you seen the video of people, wearing white or black shirts, passing a basketball back and forth? Viewers must count how many times the ball is passed by those in white shirts.

And even though they are concentrating, they completely miss the obvious.

While viewers are looking for the basketball, a woman in a gorilla suit walks into the middle of the players. She faces the camera, beats her chest and walks away. Half the viewers in the original demonstration completely missed the gorilla.

Researchers call it “inattentional blindness.” It’s a type of invisibility. Not based on the eyes, but on the mind. We don’t notice something, simply because we’re not looking for it.

Well, in real life, one of the main things we don’t notice is how unkind and even mean we can be every single day. I discovered that in my latest research study, and it was sobering. Since most of us think we are kind, we completely miss the ways we aren’t.

For example, in the study, we asked people to say how often they praised a particular person, how often they were negative and unkind to them, and so on. They then spent 30 days trying to have no negativity toward that person at all, and being purposeful about kindness (this was the 30-Day Kindness Challenge). At the end, we asked whether their initial guesses were realistic or not.

The vast majority (95%) said they suddenly realized they had been blind before!

In particular, they had no idea how negative and unkind they were, until they weren’t allowed to be. In the survey feedback, most participants said something like this one woman: “This was a little humbling and very eye-opening. I had no idea how often I got exasperated, how much I corrected my husband, how bad my tone could be. How embarrassing. I’m SO GLAD for the chance to finally see that stuff, so I can get rid of it!”

I think it is time for all of us to “see that stuff” so we can get rid of it!

How? Take these three steps:

STEP ONE: Take a simple (free) online assessment of your Kindness Quotient. Now, you could be a mini-Mother Theresa, of course, and truly one of the kindest people around. But for most of us, this assessment is a good wake-up call about those areas we might want to focus on.

STEP TWO: For a few days, commit to saying nothing negative to or about anyone in your life. Nothing. You can’t get exasperated that your son didn’t take out the trash, you can’t suspiciously ask your colleague whether Bob and Nate had that big meeting without you, you can’t post that sarcastic retort on Facebook. You can’t even say to yourself “Why bother even trying this? So-and-so isn’t going to change!” Nothing negative.

If Step One is a good wakeup call, Step Two is more like a head-butt! Once you have to cut out all negativity, you quickly find just how often you do it. Here’s a tip: Do you know what your specific negativity pattern is? There are seven completely different patterns, and we all have at least one that tends to show up in multiple ways in our life. Look at the list in Chapter 6 of The Kindness Challenge to diagnose yours.

Now, as an aside, as Step Two you could go straight to doing the 30-Day Kindness Challenge instead. It is much narrower, but very productive, because it is specifically for one person you want a better relationship with.

STEP THREE: For those few days, every time you catch yourself saying something negative, quickly stop and think, How could I have said / done that differently, so it wasn’t negative? You realized you got exasperated with the kids because they were too slow to turn off their electronics and help you set the table. So after you blow it, you stop and think, I could have calmly said, ‘Kids, you probably didn’t intend to make me do all the work, but since I had to set the table without you, no more electronics today or tomorrow.” (Not saying anything negative doesn’t mean you can’t give true discipline where it is needed! You just can’t do it negatively!) The cool thing about this exercise, is that as you think about the ‘kind version’ of what you just said, you’ll start actually doing that kind version.

Seriously. Try it. You’ve got nothing to lose but a whole bunch of meanness you didn’t know you had.

Want to know how to be kind, when you really don’t want to be?  My research uncovered three daily actions that will transform your relationships – and you. Check out The Kindness Challenge, now available!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average, clueless people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

The post Three steps to seeing how mean you really are appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.