Shaunti Feldhahn's Blog, page 59

Two great ways to boost your son’s self-esteem

Many boys these days go through challenging times that are not of their making, and yet they affect how our sons view themselves. Every day, boys experience challenges at school that make them feel stupid, especially since our sit-still-and-listen school processes are not necessarily optimally designed for how boys’ brains learn! Perhaps even more toxic to how our sons view themselves is the fact that for some reason it has become acceptable to engage in casual male bashing. (“Yeah, I’ve got two kids – 3 if you count my husband.”)  With every roll of the eyes or teasing comment about men boys hear and internalize that too.

As the mom of a son, all this drives me a little crazy and has caused me to do some additional research on how to boost the self-esteem of our boys and young men in a culture that often seems to be working against them.

I have identified at least two practical solutions that work very broadly, across many types of situations, although I should also note that since every boy – and every family – is different, you’ll need to adapt it to your individual circumstances:

Give them as many opportunities as possible to succeed.  All male humanoids need to feel that they are good at what they do. It is an integral part of what it means to be a man – or a boy. The problem is, that especially when you are a younger man or boy, opportunities for success are limited and opportunities to mess up are everywhere. With each mess up – the bad grade, the dropped pass, the choice that disappoints your parents – the boy thinks less and less of himself. As I did the research for For Parents Only , I heard the heart of the teenage boys who said over and over “I wish my mom would let me just TRY this!” Or “I wish she would just let me do it MY way!” That comment might sound innocuous but it a huge signal.    Whether it was wanting to mow the lawn, do the dishes, or install the new television set, boys wanted to try to do things without their moms and dads looking over their shoulders. Will they get it right every time without our help? Of course not. Is it worth it for the dishes to (initially) be jammed into the dishwasher incorrectly, to give a boy who desperately needs it a sense of accomplishment? I would argue: absolutely!  This may seem a little odd to any moms looking at this, but to a boy every correction will feel like a failure. They already get that a lot at school. We need to figure out ways to minimize it at home; which means reserving “that was a failure” messages for truly essential things.


When they do get something right, praise them consistently for their outcomes (and even when they don’t, praise their positive efforts). Many of us don’t realize that praise is oxygen to a boy (or a man). Moms especially are more prone to say “I love you,” and give words of affection – but what a boy absolutely most needs to hear as he grows is “I am so proud of you,” “good job,” and “Thank you for loading up the dishwasher, that was so helpful!” How do you handle it if he didn’t do it right? Most important, as noted above, evaluate whether your correction is truly needed. Or more likely, needed right at this time. For some situations – correcting how your son is driving, for example – correction is truly needed immediately! But for many situations we can wait – and in fact it is important to wait. When it comes time to share a correction, then we can simply say something like: “Hey Bobby, thanks so much for loading up the dishwasher everyday this week. You’ve done a great job. One thing I should show you, is that when we have had spaghetti or lasagna, you’ll get a much better result if you rinse those plates off first. Do you mind if I show you how next time you do the dishes?” Some of you may roll your eyes at that, and think that you are tiptoeing too much around a boy’s ego. But remember the whole point of this: most of the time the ego isn’t the problem. The deep self-doubt is. All of those “you did a great job” comments are simply reassurances to make sure that he hears a suggestion simply as a suggestion rather than as a statement that “you failed.”

Those two things certainly won’t solve every problem, or combat all of the issues our boys face today. But if we make them a habit they will will go a long way toward helping our boys feel the most important inner certainty that any boy needs to feel; the sense that “I can do it!”

Wish Shaunti could speak at an event in your area? You can help! Forward this piece or others to a leader at your organization or church, with a note of recommendation. They can reach Shaunti at NDuncan@shaunti.com.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

The post Two great ways to boost your son’s self-esteem appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

A Letter from Shaunti: Do you want to help lead the launch of The Kindness Challenge in early 2017?

Hi friends –

There is something very exciting happening, and I can’t wait to tell you about it!  In a few weeks I’ll be able to give all the details, but for now I want to ask you to consider this question: Are you or your group interested in being a part of our launch team for The Kindness Challenge in January / February 2017?

If you want to hear more, contact us and we will email you as soon as we are free to share. We are looking for individuals, groups, churches, businesses, leadership networks, ministries, schools, counseling centers, broadcasting networks, moms, dads, singles, young people, retirees…. anyone who will reach out to their sphere of influence.  We need your leadership in a movement to transform relationships and our culture with kindness.

We’re not taking official sign-ups yet, but contact us if you want us to keep you updated.  And in the meantime, take a look at the background briefing and sneak peek at our research findings below!

With appreciation,

Shaunti Feldhahn

BRIEFING ON THE KINDNESS CHALLENGE

Here is a bit of background: My new book The Kindness Challenge will be launching at the New Year, based on the research for the 30 Day Kindness Challenge that many of you participated in.  Through this process we have seen the astounding power of kindness to transform hurting relationships, make good ones better – and change our culture.

And it is so simple. For thirty days, all people do every day is 1) stop saying negative things to or about someone, 2) say positive things to and about them instead and 3) do small acts of generosity.

That’s it.  So simple but so powerful.

Want a confidential sneak peek from the research about just how powerful?  Take a look:

When I got the before-and-after survey results back, I had to recalculate it just to be sure the number was truly that high!  Not everyone chose to do the actual 30-Day Kindness Challenge (some people concentrated on the “daily tips” we sent out instead), but nine out of every ten people who did saw their relationship improve. It didn’t matter whether someone was doing this for a spouse, a child, a colleague, in-law, neighbor…  89% improved across the board.

All because someone was kind — in a very specific way. A way that eliminates all delusion about how unkind we often are and provides a method that is simple and do-able for everyone from the astute, experienced, self-improvement junkie, to the struggling spouse grasping at straws, to the supervisor or school administrator who needs a method to improve a toxic environment.

Our culture is in desperate need of kindness – especially with this book releasing in January 2017 after the most divisive and harsh presidential election cycle imaginable. I could never have planned the timing on this, but Someone else sure did!

Please click here to learn more in a few weeks, about how you can be a part of it!

The post A Letter from Shaunti: Do you want to help lead the launch of The Kindness Challenge in early 2017? appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Everything in our life just changed: Sweet 16 and DRIVING!

Yes, this is a picture of my daughter with her new driver’s license!   She is so excited, and I’m so thrilled for her… while at the same time trying to adjust my heart to this new reality.

She and her younger brother had a long-standing plan for this moment: she came home from getting her license, and the two of them eagerly hopped in the car for their first solo trip to get frozen yogurt.

I watched the car drive up the street and turn the corner… and started crying.   Unexpectedly, great big tears started rolling down my cheeks as I told God I was so happy for her, knew this was such a big step in her flying on her own, and yet was struggling to deal with it.  It was so very, very bittersweet.  ( I know many of you have been there way before me, and you get it!)  I texted Jeff, who was almost home from his client’s office, and he came in and gave me a big hug – and then he started getting teary-eyed as well.

Not from worry about her safety – although we certainly are praying for that a lot! – but from adjusting to the inevitable fact that everything in our life just changed.  And this is the first of several life changes where there is no real transition: there is only a “before” and an “after.”   Before she could drive, she usually needed us if she was going to do something she wanted to do.  Now, she physically can do what she wants to do.  (And oh how I pray she makes the right choices!)  Before she could drive, we automatically spent a lot of one-on-one time together, because we were driving her everywhere.  Now, we will need to make the time to stay constantly in touch and on top of what is going on in her life.

Before she could drive, she was still a little girl.  (A beautiful young woman, sure, but in my mind she was still “only 15.”  That is still young, right? )

She’s not a little girl anymore.  She’s two years away from graduating high school.  All too soon she’ll be off to college.  She’ll be her own woman, making her own way in the world.

As I write this, it is several days after the Big Day and I am (as per usual) in an airport after a short trip to a women’s conference, waiting for a flight home.  The “Sunrise, Sunset” lyrics from Fiddler on the Roof keep running through my head, ensuring that tears are springing to my eyes at random moments and causing people to look at me sideways!

Is this the little girl I carried?  Is this the little boy at play?  I don’t remember growing older. When did they?

When did she get to be a beauty?  When did he grow to be so tall?  Wasn’t it yesterday when they were small?

Sunrise, sunset.  Swiftly fly the days.  Seedlings turn overnight to sunflowers, blossoming even as we gaze.

I’ve studied this transition with the research for For Parents Only.  I’ve interviewed thousands of teens and parents who have lived it.   I’ve listened to the hearts of close friends who have launched their beautiful young men and women into life.

I knew what to expect, in theory.

The reality is so different.

I can’t wait to get off the plane and hug my daughter.

Wish Shaunti could speak at an event in your area? You can help! Forward this piece or others to a leader at your organization or church, with a note of recommendation. They can reach Shaunti at NDuncan@shaunti.com.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

The post Everything in our life just changed: Sweet 16 and DRIVING! appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Swimsuit Style Secrets

Swimsuit Style Secrets

Summer is just around the corner and most of us can’t wait to get our toes in the sand but aren’t quite as enthusiastic about squeezing our bodies into a swimsuit.

Hello! I’m Linda Crews, Shaunti’s Operations Director and a Style Coach and Event Speaker. My business name is Best Look For You because I help women discover their best look by offering color and style analysis for individuals and group events.

Don’t miss all the goods in this blog which include:

An hour and a half Personal Style Appointment for $55! That’s a $75 value for $20 savings. Purchase must be made by 5/13/16 to get your discount, but the appointment can be scheduled after that date. Gift Certificates available.GET THE SCOOP on this Special Shaunti Reader Offer
 Swimsuit Style Secrets (article below)
 BONUS! 10-Point Shopping Guide for Successful Swimsuit Shopping (at the end of the article)
 My FREE Accessory Guideline (Here and at the end of the article)

Swimsuit Style Secrets

Summer is just around the corner and most of us can’t wait to get our toes in the sand but aren’t quite as enthusiastic about squeezing our bodies into a swimsuit.

We have a tendency to be critical of our own bodies when we compare ourselves to the models we see in the media or to our own self two sizes, babies or decades ago. Not everyone is bothered by their curvaceous hips, fluffy belly or overly endowed bust. But if we are, it can create a consuming awareness that keeps our thoughts distracted and can hinder the opportunity to minister to others. As believers and ambassadors of Christ we are called to put others before ourselves.

     Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. [Phil 2:3-4]

When we are self-conscious about how we look in our swimsuit, or we are distracted by comparing ourselves to others around the pool or beach, we can end up being consumed with self and not tuning in to those we want to enjoy.

Attention to swimsuit design details is the key to finding swimwear to flatter your particular proportion so you can enjoy the summer water activities with confidence.

Paying attention to the little details of the design of the swimsuit will help create an optical illusion of balance even where there isn’t balance.

Generally speaking we have a tendency to gain weight in one of, or a combination of, these four areas: tummy, upper midriff and bust, derrière and hips and thighs, or even weight gain all over.

Here are my recommendations for achieving more visually balanced proportions in swimwear according to each of the challenge areas.

Swimsuit Style Tips for Tummy Fluff

Most women who carry weight in their tummy have balanced proportion in their shoulders and hips (about the same width) and have a small bust.

Opt for swimsuits with ruching (or sheering) to camouflage the tummy fluff
Look for prints to help distract the eye and enlarge the smaller bust in order to balance the tummy
Avoid solids in the tummy area as it will tend to enlarge
Avoid a tight fit across the tummy, opting for loose or flowy tankinis
Reverse halters create a V at the neck creating an illusion of width at the shoulders to balance out the ‘fluff’ at the tummy.

 

This is a great option if your tummy fluff is a small pooch, otherwise the peplum style can add bulk to the fluff.

Stripes at the bust are great with a straight solid skirt, but if you can find a top that doesn’t cling and is a little more loose it will be an even better camouflage

The rushing on the sides creates a loose fit across the tummy area while the ruching gathers and print on the bust enhance a small bust.

Several skirts in various colors with a variety of print tankini tops is a great mix and match option for creating a variety of swimsuits.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Swimsuit Style Tips for Upper Midriff and Overly Endowed Bust

You probably have a flat derrière and nice legs if your challenge area is an overly endowed bust and your midriff area. You carry most all of your fluff above the waist.

Stay away from solids and V-necks – they create the illusion that you are larger than you really are
Use patterns to always camouflage largeness
Patterns at the bust and solid below the bust create a balancing act
Avoid strapless mishaps – always opt for straps
Miracle Suit (for 40-D and plus sizes) made with Miratex fabric has 3 times the spandex of any other suit
Get an underwire and be sure the girls are not spilling over in abundance.

The ruching through midriff is flattering and patterns always camouflage largeness (the bust in this case).

Stay away from Vnecks. Avoid solids for your top which tend to enlarge. This medium sized print is great for camouflaging a large bust.

Great for full coverage and the darker color with pattern on the midriff area is slenderizing

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Swimsuit Style Tips for Derriere, Hips and Thighs

You probably have narrow shoulders (compared to your hips they appear to be narrow) and a small waist if these are your challenge areas.

Horizontal stripes or width at the top with vertical stripes at the bottom or a solid straight or slightly flared skirted bottom creates the balance perfect for your shape.
Skirted bottoms or shorts hem should end preferably below your widest point.
Never use halter straps as they will create that triangle shape of narrower at the top (shoulders) and wider at the bottom (hips and thighs)
Opt for straps that are set wide apart and go straight over the shoulder, creating the illusion of width at the shoulders to balance the width at the bottom.

Horizontal-running print on top in a lighter color to draw attention up and away from challenge area.

Fitted to highlight smaller waist and print on top with solid black bottoms to slenderize hips

Horizontal stripes at the top and more vertical stripes on the sides below the waist make this flattering. The V neck is another flattering feature for this top to draw the eyes up and out at the shoulder, balancing the wider proportion on the bottom.

Flattering and dignified for most all body shapes but this reverse halter strap makes it perfect for the derriere, hips and thighs challenge.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Combination Distribution Swimsuit Style Tips

If you are a combination such as an overly endowed bust and also carry weight in your hips and thighs, follow the tips for the bust line challenges (print on the bust and midriff area) and the tips for the challenges in the hips and thighs (hemlines should end below the widest point of hips), and since V-necks aren’t flattering for the endowed bust go for wide set straps that are not V-neck.

Not all Combination proportions are plus sizes but many are. Swimsuits for All is an incredibly priced website with a wide selection of colorful fun swimsuits for fuller figure challenges, but not just curvy girls.

Here are some flattering plus size inspirations.

Curvy Girl Shorts

Curvy Girl Print on top

Pink empire tankini top

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Balanced Distribution of Weight Swimsuit Style Tips

With a balanced proportion (shoulders and hips about the same width) and at your ideal weight, you can pretty much wear any kind of swimsuit. However, pay attention to your challenge areas. Even though you gain weight evenly all over, after our mid-forties there’s not too many tummies that aren’t fluffy or jiggly.

Tankinis are perfect to hide the fluff, especially if the design has ruching in the middle or a pattern to disguise it.
If you are a tiny bit hippy, you may find achieve greater balance with either the wide set straps at the top or a flared skirt but may not need both.
Use a cover-up when walking around.

Wide set straps, lighter color print on top and darker on bottom all help emphasize the natural balanced ‘X’ shape.

Solids are no problem

Horizontal patterns work

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Floral and orange

Nautical tankini red and blue

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Swimsuit Bottoms

High-cut Briefs are flattering for all legs, and visually has the effect of lifting up the eyes making legs look longer and leaner. Rounded, old-fashioned leg openings make legs look bigger than they actually are.
Boy shorts, flirty shorts, and skirts are other options for dignity although boy shorts can tend to ride up. The most important thing is that the bottoms cover our bottoms.
Use your cover-ups when you leave your chair to go to the restroom or get a snack at the Tiki hut. A sarong over the hips or a lightweight cover-up is elegant, but a tank dress or shorts work nicely too.
If you are going to be wrangling children pool or beachside, please make sure that all of you stays tucked into your swimsuit. If that’s going to be a problem then wear a cover-up.
Young athletic teen girls may need some coaching to throw on a t-shirt before they start playing volleyball on the beach, etc.

While I can’t wave a wand and change the shape of your body, I have provided some style secrets and fashion tips to help select the swimsuit design most flattering for each of the most common proportion challenges. If it’s time for a new swimsuit I hope that you are now inspired to find something flattering that allows you to enjoy your friends and family poolside without feeling self-conscious.

BONUS! 10-Point Shopping Guide for Successful Swimsuit Shopping

Write two design guidelines you must stick to … and stick to it. Is it pattern on top and solid on bottom? Wide straps? Flowy top or skirted bottom?
Don’t take a friend who is smaller or more fit than you who will make you feel badly about yourself.
Don’t take your husband with you because other women will feel totally weirded out and will not want to come out and look in that 3-way mirror.
Check all views. Bend over to pick up the pretend seashell and make sure nothing (on top or bottom) falls out.
Consider narrowing your final selection to three and then take it home for a husband review and to look in your own mirror since some stores have their mirrors adjusted to a ‘flattering’ angle which doesn’t reflect the real image.
Don’t take your kids with you. Young ones in a dressing room while you are trying on swimwear? You will be wrangling and entertaining them. Teenage eye-rolls for the obvious ‘reject swimsuits’ will be discouraging.
Wear clothing that is easy to get in and out of and undies that you can adjust to completely be covered by the bottoms so you can see the coverage or lack of coverage in all areas.
Avoid shopping when you are bloated more than usual but don’t get in the trap of waiting to lose those 5-10 pounds and then never going.
Shop online first to save some legwork to find a few things you like based on the design details for your proportion.
Take a water bottle and an energy bar. It’s especially helpful for hot-flashes in the dressing room and a time-saving energy boost to avoid having to run to the food court!

SPECIAL OFFER EXPIRES 5/13/16


GET THE SCOOP on my Special Shaunti Reader Offer for an hour and a half Personal Style Appointment for $55 –  a $75 value. Purchase must be made by 5/13/16 to get your discount but the appointment can be scheduled after that date. Gift Certificates available.

 

GET YOUR FREE ACCESSORY GUIDE NOW.




Linda Crews, Style Coach and Event Style Speaker, can be found at BestLookforYou.com, Facebook, and Pinterest.

The post Swimsuit Style Secrets appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Men: This one little movie moment touches your wife’s heart – and shows you how you can, too

Recently, I wrote an article for women about the surprising movie scene that secretly makes men cry. But today I want to give men a secret of their own: a secret that answers the exasperated question from one teenage boy, “Why does that one scene in Cinderella always make girls all gooey?”

There’s a very short scene in the 2015 live-action Cinderella movie that secretly touches the heart of almost every woman, and gives every guy a roadmap to doing the same with his wife.

And no – I’m actually not talking about the scene when Cinderella is decked out in that fabulous gown. Or when the prince dances with her at the ball.  Or when he figures out who she is. All those are iconic, impactful moments, but aren’t helpful for you!  You probably can’t provide your wife a gown of crystals.  You likely aren’t the heir to a throne. And although some things about your wife probably mystify you, you haven’t been trying to figure out her name!

What you can do is decide your wife is worth going after.

In the movie, there’s a moment when the Prince has been pushing Cinderella on a swing in a garden and has almost overcome her reluctance to share who she is.  As she is about to say her name, she is startled to hear the clock start to chime midnight.  She jumps up and rushes away saying she is so sorry, it is hard to explain, she loved every moment, but she has to go!

The prince sinks down on the swing as she disappears from sight, clearly confused and befuddled. And then a grin comes over his face. With a determined look, he jumps up and darts after her.

And that is where women swoon. Why? We want to be in Cinderella’s shoes. And I don’t mean those fabulous glass slippers. No… we want to be the girl who is worth being pursued by the man she cares about.  We want someone to like us so much that he can’t let us get away.

You see, even your confident, beautiful wife has a secret self-doubt. Am I lovable? And even in great relationships – much less shaky ones –that translates to the subconscious question, Does he still love me?  Would he choose me all over again? When you pursue her, it answers that question well. So even if you have already won your wife’s heart – she wants you to keep doing so!

What would “your” version of the Prince’s pursuit look like?

When the two of you are arguing, it likely triggers an “are we okay?” insecurity in her heart. So don’t give her a space: give her a hug! Reassure her that you love her and that you’ll get through this.

When you think about her in a fleeting way during a busy workday, text her a quick note: “I have been having such a rough day. Thanks for always believing in me. I love you so much.” I promise she will save that text message!

When you sit with her at church, put your arm around her. That tells her, “You’re mine.”

Cinderella may not have needed to know that the Prince was going after her, but your wife does.  You don’t need crystals, a princely lineage or the royal guard to win her heart: all she needs to see is that you are delighted by her and are choosing her again, today.

Wish Shaunti could speak at an event in your area? You can help! Forward this piece or others to a leader at your organization or church, with a note of recommendation. They can reach Shaunti at NDuncan@shaunti.com.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

The post Men: This one little movie moment touches your wife’s heart – and shows you how you can, too appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Ladies, here’s the surprising reason why your husband cried at that Tom Hanks scene and you didn’t

A woman came up to me after a talk about gender differences and asked, “My husband and I were watching that new Tom Hanks movie, Bridge of Spies, and near the end I looked over and my husband was crying! I mean, it’s great that Tom Hanks saved the day, but why on earth would that make my husband cry?”

I knew exactly what scene she meant because I too had looked over and seen tears sparkling in Jeff’s eyes, and I’ve heard that same story from others. The man in your life likely felt the same way — whether or not he showed it. And the reason provides a vital glimpse into your man’s inner life:

What’s the scene and why does it impact men so much? [Spoiler alert!]

In the movie (a true story), Tom Hanks plays James Donovan, a Cold-War era insurance attorney tapped by the government to represent a Soviet spy. Unlike the U.S.S.R’s kangaroo-court trial for crashed U.S. pilot Francis Gary Powers, the U.S. gives even their enemies due process. Unfortunately, the American public is not so tolerant. Donovan and his family are reviled, and his wife is not happy. So she is not very supportive. Unbeknownst to her, Donovan is then asked to secretly travel to East Berlin to negotiate a prisoner exchange: we hand over the spy if they give us the U.S. pilot. Donovan agrees, braving great danger to both serve his country and restore his family’s reputation.

Minutes after he arrives home and collapses into bed, his family is shocked to see the breaking news that the famous U.S. pilot is freed – and that Donovan is responsible. His wife softly comes upstairs and stares in wonder at her unconscious husband.

And that is where men find tears in their eyes. Why?

1. He deeply wants to do the right thing.

Men want to be great husbands.  They want to be great dads. Or great patriots. Or great negotiators. And they sure look confident, but the whole time they are working hard to do the right thing, they secretly worry about measuring up. The attitude and actions of Donovan in the movie were an exact parallel to how men feel every day: he projected a calm, competent demeanor, all the while certain that someone was going to figure out that he had no idea what he was doing.

Because a man’s greatest emotional need is to feel competent and respected, this type of insecurity is unsettling and painful. A result, every man needs to know that the person who knows him best, believes in him absolutely.

Only in the case of Mrs. Donovan, she didn’t. Until that one moment.

2. His wife noticed that he did.

The sight of Mrs. Donovan staring in awe at her sleeping husband is deeply emotional for men. I asked one man the reason why, and he summarized it well:

“She finally saw what he did. She finally saw him as amazing. That is the way every man wants his wife to see him. That is why we do every single thing we do. That is why we go to an office every day, maybe at a job we don’t like. That is why we do the honey-do list.  That is why we try to be supportive of our wives. We want our wife’s applause. We want her to reassure us that we are good at what we set out to do. Most of us would never have the nerve to say it out loud, but that is what we want. And in the movie, this guy had been trying and working and getting grief for his efforts. But suddenly her eyes were opened and without him having to say anything, she finally saw that he was this great man.”

Ladies, our men need to see that we believe in them like this. Yes, they will make mistakes. So will we! But we can still stand steadfastly by our man’s side regardless.

If we learn this truth we hold the key to our man’s heart… and to him becoming that great man he wants to be.

Wish Shaunti could speak at an event in your area? You can help! Forward this piece or others to a leader at your organization or church, with a note of recommendation. They can reach Shaunti at NDuncan@shaunti.com.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

The post Ladies, here’s the surprising reason why your husband cried at that Tom Hanks scene and you didn’t appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Calling All Moms! Apply “respect talk” to your sons.

I’m so excited about Dr. Emerson Eggerichs’s latest book, Mother and Son! Our whole team loves Emerson’s work. Enjoy his guest blog post below:

I have a favor to ask of mothers who have sons.

The #1 application of the Love and Respect message beyond marriage is by moms who apply to their sons what they learned from our book or at our conference.

What is Respect Talk?

Beyond their words of love, Moms begin saying things like, “I really respect you.”  Or, “I respect you for being an honest person.”  Or, “Because you are becoming a man of honor, I need your help on how to solve this conflict between you and your sister.”

Here is the favor I need from you.

If you have applied Respect Talk to your son, please email me and tell me specifically what you said or did and how your son responded. Write to me at sons@loveandrespect.com.

If you have NOT applied Respect Talk, do me the favor of trying this yourself. Apply Respect Talk to your son, watch what happens and then email me how he responded. Write to me at sons@loveandrespect.com.

Tweener Son

First of all pay attention to what your boys are saying. Too many mothers innocently ignore the vocabulary of their sons and what energizes them.

I received an email from a mom who heard my presentation on a boy’s need for respect. “I’m sitting next to my boy, who’s playing the computer game ‘Fate.’ All of a sudden, he says, ‘Mom, I am respected now!’ In the game, you have a respect level score that gets higher the more you play well. My boy reached the level of…‘Renown of Respect’…”

Her point? Earlier she would have completely ignored her son’s comments. At best she would have mouthed, “That’s nice, son.” Now she heard him in a whole new light. She got it!

Mothers readily confess that they are clueless about respect toward boys.

A mom expresses, “I live with a house full of male testosterone. We even have a male dog. I am having conflict with my almost 12 year old and it is driving me nuts. My other two are 15 & 13… You made a comment about not having to make the males in my life want to be respected – they just need it…I am trying to figure out this respect thing and am finding it kinda difficult. Getting a handle on this is something I want to do but am not sure how. I even had to look up respect to see what it really meant. I am in prayer about this.”

Preschool Son

Listen to this mom. “One night while putting our sons to bed, my five-year-old, in the midst of my monologue about how much I loved him, looked at me sadly and said, ‘Mom, are you proud of me?’ Shocked, I expressed immediately that I was, of course, proud of him. He asked forlornly, ‘Then why don’t you ever tell me so?’”

A five year old boy said this!

I believe some moms miss their son’s felt need for respect, beginning very early in their boyhood. Why do they miss this? Moms love to love, and want their boys to learn to be loving.

A teacher who applied these respect concepts wrote, “The Kindergarten classroom is a little more complicated than a normal family setting, but I have so often wished that I could take the mothers of these boys, make them invisible, and let them see how their sons are (respectfully) treated in our class. Too often, these moms speak very disrespectfully about the father, and have a tendency to make the same mistakes of disrespect with their sons…They tend to bounce back and forth between appeasement and hostility when dealing with their sons…”

A mother wrote,“I have two sons (age 11 and 9) and 1 daughter (age 5). I completely understand my daughter, but not my sons. I think the respect issue is one reason why I cannot connect with them like I do my daughter. I am frequently correcting them and disciplining them and too often in frustration and anger. They do not respond to my “I love yous” like my daughter does. I am thinking they want more respect and our relationship will improve if they get it.”

She is correct.

Genetics and Teen Boys

Genetically, we know that boys and girls are different. Neuropsychiatrist Louann Brizendine, who is both a researcher and a clinician, writes in her book The Female Brain (2007), “Out of the thirty thousand genes in the human genome, the less than one percent variation between the sexes is small. But that percentage difference influences every single cell in our bodies—from the nerves that register pleasure and pain to the neurons that transmit perception, thoughts, feelings, and emotions” (page 1).

For example, Dr. Brizendine (2007) found that “Males and females become reactive to different kinds of stress. Girls begin to react more to relationship stresses and boys to challenges to their authority. Relationship conflict is what drives a teen girl’s stress system wild. She needs to be liked and socially connected; a teen boy needs to be respected” (p. 34–35).

Shaunti Feldhahn, a premier researcher, found an undeniable pattern when researching her book For Parents Only: girls lean toward the need to feel loved and boys lean toward the need to be respected.

This is important to recognize because during this season many moms see a serious change in their boys. A mom emails me,”My most recent major event happening in my boys’ lives is ‘puberty.’ It has been one of the toughest things emotionally as a mom since I left them at their desk on their first day of first grade. There is a sense of loss along with this change of life in them. The lullabies stopped abruptly, the needing me to comfort them when they are hurt physically, and the sense of belonging to me has faded away. As I was pondering this over a few months, I realized I needed to relate to them in a different way.”

The different way is applying Respect Talk.

Adult Sons

For those of you who have adult sons, it’s not too late for you to try this too.

A mom recounts, “In talking to my sons on the phone I thought I would try out the respect thing. Instead of always ending our conversation with ‘I love you’ I said ‘I respect……….’ (made it personal to their situation).

One son got quiet and then said ‘Thank you, Mom’ which really touched my heart. Another son who is more distant from us emotionally and spiritually also got quiet and then said, ‘I love you’ which he seldom says. To me that was awesome.

I expect new fruit in many areas and look forward to using these tools to bring healing to first myself and then others. God bless your ministry.”

As a mother, will you apply Respect Talk to your precious baby boy – no matter what his age?

Will you watch his response?

Emerson

Dr. Emerson Eggerichs is an internationally known public speaker on the topic of male-female relationships.

As a researcher, Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, who has a PhD in child and family ecology from Michigan State University, garnered the testimonies of 1000’s of mothers. Based on his New York Times Bestseller, Love & Respect , these moms applied the Respect side of this message to their sons with significant effects. Emerson and his wife, Sarah, present the Love and Respect Marriage and Parenting Conferences across the country, and Emerson has also spoken to groups from the NFL, NBA, PGA, Navy Seals, and members of congress.

Emerson was the senior pastor of Trinity Church in Lansing for almost twenty years. He and Sarah have been married since 1973 and have three adult children. Emerson also has a BA in Biblical Studies from Wheaton College, an MA in communication from Wheaton College Graduate School, and an MDiv from the University of Dubuque Theological Seminary.

The post Calling All Moms! Apply “respect talk” to your sons. appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

4 Ways To Keep Your Temper When You Want to Blow

While doing some research for my next book, I realized something important: when we are angry, most of us handle it wrong! Here are four ways to keep ourselves from (forgive the Marvel reference) turning into a big green rage monster when we otherwise would really want to!

1. In advance, realize: “venting” only makes things worse!  Most of us have bought into the idea that letting a little steam out of the kettle now prevents it from exploding later, right?  And taking a few minutes to vent to or about your spouse, child or boss just feels quite satisfying when we have steam pouring out of our ears.  The problem is, it turns out, it hurts instead of helping.  Neuroscientists such as Dr. Brad Bushman at Ohio State have discovered that actually expressing the anger we feel further activates an interconnected anger system in the brain and makes the kettle boil that much more.  So while we can certainly express anger any time we want to, the question is whether we should if we want to keep her temper in check and preserve a relationship, a job, or our sanity.

2. Instead of “letting off steam,” remove yourself from the heat.  If we’re boiling and don’t want to be, the researchers suggest the equivalent of putting the lid on tight and removing the pot from the heat.  When we decide to be calm (see below), it is the equivalent of smothering the anger and denying it oxygen to burn.  And when we remove or distract ourselves from whatever is making us furious, we find our anger cooling off until, in many cases, we’re simply not angry anymore.  So when your co-worker expresses frustration that the boss made everyone work late last night, instead of chiming in with the “Yeah, and guess what else?!” additional grievances, calmly say “Yep, that was frustrating.  So about these quarterly numbers…”   And if the other person persists, excuse yourself, go back to your cube, and force yourself to think something more healthy.  Like what else you were working on.  Or that dream Caribbean vacation.

(One hint for husbands or boyfriends, though: given what we discovered in our research about how women are wired, if you have to remove yourself from an emotional conflict, be sure to reassure your wife or girlfriend that you two are okay and you’ll be able to talk about it later.  That gives her the reassurance of your love that she needs to give you space without simmering and venting, herself.)

3. Before you speak, pause.  So how do you manage to respond “calmly” to your coworker (or spouse, or in laws…) when you’re just as mad as he or she is?  Here’s the answer: force yourself to pause for a few seconds before you reply.  Seriously.   That allows your will to catch up with your roiling emotions, so you can decide to handle your words well.  (If I reply to this now, it’s only going to make it worse.  Best to ask if we can continue this conversation at 1:30.) More important, if you’re a person of faith, it also gives God a chance to touch your heart and steer your reply before you forge ahead with guns blazing, and cause casualties you’ll regret later.

So when you’re worried about your son’s progress in school and seven shades of upset that your husband didn’t agree to hire a tutor to help him, force yourself to pause and get your thoughts together before you speak.  “Think before you speak” is one of the earliest lessons we teach our kids, and yet sometimes we forget it as adults.  We need to relearn that skill, especially when it comes to those relationships that are most important to us.

4. Apologize.  Since we will not always do it right, despite all those strategies, we also need to practice apologies each and every time they are needed.  “I’m sorry, honey.  I know you care about Billy, and I shouldn’t have ever implied that you didn’t.  Will you forgive me?”  You don’t need to necessarily agree (“Maybe this weekend, we could talk more specifically about why I think a tutor is so important, and how we can get the money to pay for it”) but you do need to apologize. This is in part because our research with the happiest relationships found that we need to keep short accounts, be willing to make up, and always ask for forgiveness when we have wronged someone else –regardless of whether they have wronged us too.  But also because if we know we’re going to have to apologize if we let our temper run away with us, we’ll be far less likely to do it next time!

Tell yourself venting will make it worse.  Remove yourself from the frustrating situation or focus on something else.  Pause to let your ability to make a good choice catch up with you.  And apologize if you don’t.  Try those simple, simple actions for just a few weeks and you’ll find yourself handling difficult feelings so well, you won’t even remember the big green rage monster any more.

Wish Shaunti could speak at an event in your area? You can help! Forward this piece or others to a leader at your organization or church, with a note of recommendation. They can reach Shaunti at NDuncan@shaunti.com.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

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Men: Want to make your wife insanely happy? Try this one phrase.

The man sidled up to me at one of our recent marriage conferences, and was clearly trying to ask a question before his wife noticed.  “So I say ‘I love you’ a lot,” he explained in a low voice, “But it seems to sort of bounce off.  It’s like she discounts whether that is really true because it is such a common phrase.  Is there one thing I can say to her that won’t be background noise, so she’ll really hear how much I love her?”

“Why are we talking so quietly?” I whispered.

“Because,” he whispered back, “I want to be able to say whatever it is, without her thinking, ‘You’re only saying that because she told you to.’”

Ah.  I get it.

And yes, I told him, there is such a phrase:  “I’m so glad I’m married to you.”

In case you’re puzzled by that, I’ll tell you what I then told him.  Most men don’t realize that women privately have a very specific vulnerability inside: Am I lovable?  That question may be subconscious, but it’s there.  In the same way that you as a guy privately wonder whether you’re doing a good job as a husband, father or salesman, she truly wonders whether she is special and someone who is worthy of your love.

Especially, your love.

Deep down, we women look at the wonderful guy we are married to, and think: How on earth did I ever get so lucky?  So blessed?  Why would he love me?   As one woman summarized, “I think in the heart of even the most confident woman, there’s a secret worry: that there may come a point when he realizes we aren’t as special as he thinks we are!”

You may think that is a ridiculous doubt –and it certainly isn’t politically correct to talk about! — but if your wife is like most of the women on our For Men Only surveys (82%), that question is there.

In the book, we quote another woman who put it this way: “The fact that I get to live with him over the course of my lifetime is one of the biggest scams I’ve pulled off.  I keep waiting for him to wake up, jump over the mound of unwashed clothes, and bolt out the door!”

So men, yes, your strong and confident wife needs to hear that magical phrase: “I’m so glad I’m married to you.”

That one phrase reassures and inspires her all at the same time.  It fills her with a sense of security in your love.

Then tell her why you’re glad you’re married to her.  She’s got such a sweet spirit… she’s so beautiful, inside and out… she’s a caring mom… you love spending time with her…

If you’re like most men, you’ve got many, many reasons. And your wife needs to hear those too.

If you tell her that phrase regularly, and share all the reasons why, you will be bringing delight to your wife’s heart.  And I think you will find yourself delighted by her response, in return!

Wish Shaunti could speak at an event in your area? You can help! Forward this piece or others to a leader at your organization or church, with a note of recommendation. They can reach Shaunti at NDuncan@shaunti.com.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

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Four reasons your man says “I don’t need help” – even when he does

Ladies, whether it is refusing to admit he needs to go to the doctor, or claiming that he knows where he’s going even when he’s clearly lost, a man usually defaults to insisting that he’s fine, it’s all good, he doesn’t need help.  Even when we might insist otherwise. My research with men for For Women Only revealed four surprising reasons for the stubborn independence:

1. Needing help means, by definition, that he’s unable to do it himself.  We women might say, “Yeah… and…?”  because we don’t see the problem with that!  In our world, for example, there’s nothing wrong with stopping to ask for directions.  After all, it is far more efficient than driving in circles.  But for the average man, efficiency is far down the list of concerns.  Far more important is accomplishing what you’ve set out to do –and avoiding defeat. Far more important is trying to avoid the shame of failure. (Even if that failure is merely the inability to beat the flu virus!)

2. Accomplishing something keeps a man going; not being able to accomplish it is painful.  I can still remember the emotion in the voices of several businessmen I was interviewing, as they described a time they had pursued but almost didn’t land a high-profile business deal that was important for their company.  Why the unusual level of emotion? As I investigated further I was unsurprised to hear they had been concerned about letting down their company and their colleagues.  I was more surprised to learn that each man had instantly worried about being fired and not being able to provide for his family.  But most surprising of all was what each man described as the most painful thought: the idea that he might fail at something he tried to do.  Seriously?  As one man explained, “That means you’re a loser.  You’re weak.  You tried… and you failed.  And if you ask any guy, in sports or in business, we hate losing even more than we want to win.”

3. Weakness or failure is painful because it confirms their secret insecurities.  His confident face is just a mask covering a deep vulnerability.  On all of my surveys, three out of four men confessed to a very real self-doubt that was always there.  For a guy, that self-doubt is like a raw nerve – which is rubbed even rawer any time he feels weak, uncertain or inadequate.  As one very successful business-man put it, “I want to be a great husband to my wife, but am I?  Or at work, I put on a good front, but secretly I’m always waiting for someone to find out I’m a total imposter.  That’s why I’ll sit in my office for two hours puzzling over something instead of taking five minutes to ask someone how such-and-such is done: if I have to ask, it just confirms that I can’t cut it.  I will take the trade-off and work the extra hours any day, in order to avoid that feeling.”

4. But “figuring it out” provides a rush of reassurance.  Ladies, you know that feeling you get when you’ve been arguing with your husband or boyfriend, maybe you’re secretly feeling a little insecure, and then at some point he comes over, gives you a big hug and says “we’re okay”?  That is such a powerful feeling of reassurance when you’ve felt off-balance and vulnerable.  Well, when a man doesn’t know exactly what to do – whether that means which streets to take or how to re-wire the basement lighting — and yet he keeps at it and figures it out, that provides the same sort of reassurance!  He has just soothed that secret worry that he is not capable, not adequate to the task.  And when you see what he did and applaud him for it – that’s when he feels like a true winner.

Wish Shaunti could speak at an event in your area? You can help! Forward this piece or others to a leader at your organization or church, with a note of recommendation. They can reach Shaunti at NDuncan@shaunti.com.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

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