Shaunti Feldhahn's Blog, page 54

2 healthy ways to manage your mistakes

Guest blog by Jennifer Rothschild

In 1991, I sang the national anthem for an Atlanta Braves game against the Los Angeles Dodgers. Prior to that, I had only sung the national anthem once publicly — at the opening of the Little League season in West Palm Beach, Florida. Let’s just say that first experience was a whole lot less intimidating.

“The Star-Spangled Banner” is a stirring, wonderful song, but no one has ever claimed it’s easy to sing. I was so nervous. I rehearsed madly, consumed bottles of Maalox… and then it was time to step out on the field. A hush fell upon the stadium as the players removed their caps.

I began. “Oh, say can you see… ”

So far, so good. My voice filled the stadium. I could hear it reverberating back to me with every note. But then, as I came to the line “and the rockets’ red glare,” I choked. Glottal shock! Have you ever heard of it? Well, 47,000 baseball fans could tell you exactly what it sounds like.

Glottal shock makes the singer momentarily voiceless.

I choked on “glare” and heard myself gag over giant speakers reverberating throughout the stadium.

In that moment, time stood still. As if in slow motion, I imagined 47,000 faces contorting into confused and shocked expressions. I wanted to evaporate. I wanted to drown in a sea of Maalox.

I recovered and belted out “and the home of the brave!” The stadium erupted in applause, and I nearly melted in sweet relief.

As my husband walked me off the field, he said, “Way to go, honey. Way to recover.” When I met up with my folks, my dad told me how proud he was, and my mom echoed the same. As I ran into friends, they were generous with their compliments. But all I could think about was the glottal shock.

That one stadium-sized mistake.

The broken word, “glare,” replayed over and over in my mind.

Do you know how many words are in our national anthem? To save you the singing and counting, I’ll fill you in. There are 82. And I sang 81 words well.

But those 81 words were overshadowed by that one sour note. I was humiliated and haunted by my mistake.

Finally, after several days of self-scrutiny, I told myself to focus on the 81 words I sang well rather than the one word I choked on. One wrongly sung word doesn’t define me, and, one wrongly sung word or mistake or regret doesn’t define you either!  

It is so easy to see only our failures and get so frustrated that we can’t see our own successes. Mistakes seem to echo through our memory for years and years, but all the things we have done well and right seem to go on silent-mode. We need to be able to hear those 81 well-sung words loud in our memories!  

So, what do you do when you have a glaring mistake that overshadows your success?

Here are 2 ways I have learned to manage my mistakes:  

Let truth define you

Our personal successes are often what we use to define who we are. As long as we do well, it’s all good, right? But, then the stadium-size mistake happens and we have trained ourselves to be defined by what we do. It is the truth of who God says we are that can and should ultimately define us.  

Recognize that who you are and what you struggle with are not the same thing. You may struggle with fear or failure, but that doesn’t mean you are a scaredy-cat or a loser! You are not how you feel! Just because you have failed at something doesn’t mean you are a failure.

You and I are not our successes either. We are not what we do — no matter how well we may do it.  

Your true identity is a child of God!  You are a daughter or son of the King and when you grasp that powerful truth, who you are will define you, not what you do.  

Identity statements will always begin with “I am.” “I am” is not the same as “I feel.” Find Scriptures that express your identity and remind yourself of those truths!  

I am God’s workmanship. Eph. 2:10

I am fearfully and wonderfully made! Psalm 139:14

Don’t let feelings define you; let who you are define your feelings. Acknowledge what you’ve done but affirm who you are!

 Let mistakes refine you

We need to notice and celebrate the 81 words we sing right but, we also can take that one sour note and learn from it. It’s healthy to acknowledge our blunders or how we blew it, but it isn’t healthy to obsess about them! Our mistakes really can serve us if we handle them well. If we don’t though, they will enslave us to defeat and regret.    

Make your mistakes teachers that will reveal wisdom to you. Use that regret to refine your character.  Study the anatomy of your blunder — how did it happen? How can I prevent it in the future? What does this regretful choice reveal about my character? Was this mistake something I caused or was it out of my control? How can this one poorly sung note refine me?  

God uses all things — even the bummer things — for our good. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28.

So, my friend, let God’s truth define you and if you hit a wrong note, let it refine you. But, whatever you do… keep on singing.

Jennifer Rothschild is a recovering perfectionist who has learned to live beyond limits ever since her life drastically changed at the age of fifteen, when she lost her sight. Now, more than 30 years later, she boldly and compassionately teaches women how to find contentment, walk with endurance, and celebrate the ordinary.

As a speaker and author Jennifer travels internationally, offering fresh, grounded, Biblical truth to audiences who, like her, are determined to pursue healthy and fulfilling lives in spite of their circumstances.

She’s the author of 15 books, including the best-selling Lessons I Learned in the Dark, the popular Me, Myself and Lies Bible study, 66 Ways God Loves You: Experience God’s Love for You in Every Book of the Bible, and her soon to be released books Me, Myself & Lies: What to Say When You Talk to Yourself and Me, Myself, & Lies for Young Women: What to Say When You Talk to Yourself.

Jennifer and her Dr. Phil live in Springfield, Missouri, and have two sons Connor and Clayton and a lovely daughter-in-law, Caroline.

The post 2 healthy ways to manage your mistakes appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Four Fantastic Facts to Know about Your Prickly Teen

If you’re a parent of a teenager, you’ve probably experienced the eye roll or utter disgust for whatever parental wisdom you’re trying to share. You’ve seen the defensiveness when you ask that one, small, innocent question.

One day your little porcupine is open to your help and words of wisdom (often when they need rescuing from one fix or another!) but the next day that same advice is completely off limits.  And now that you think about it, you can’t remember the last time you hugged your porcupine!

In researching my book For Parents Only, we interviewed and surveyed more than 1,000 teens to understand exactly what’s going on in their heads and hearts as they make their way toward adulthood. We heard them say the same things over and over, and saw the trends clearly on the surveys.  

In the interests of sticking together as parents of porcupines, here are four facts every befuddled parent needs to know:

1. They know they’re behaving badly – sort of.

Teens know when they are keeping you at arm’s length.  They recognize when they have internal feelings of annoyance (to put it mildly!). But believe it or not, they don’t always recognize that that in their voices and faces, that annoyance shows. (And shows. And shows!)

Dozens of times in interviews, we asked a pre-teen or teen something like, “As you described your father just now, you used a disdainful tone. What are you thinking about him right now?” About 1 in 4 launched into their disgruntlements. The vast majority, though, said something like, “I sounded disdainful?”

Developmentally, teenagers are not always fully aware of how they are coming across in their tone and body language. That said, ignorance is never an excuse. (And if they aren’t always aware of their disrespectful tone, we have to help them figure it out now before they hit the real world!)  But it will help when you say, “You may not have intended it, but here is how you sounded…. Can you try saying that again?”

2. Calmness is miraculous

Here is the secret weapon for getting (and staying) close to your porcupine: a calm demeanor. No matter what you hear, or what you say. Stay. Calm.

Countless kids told us they shut down communication for one reason: they believe their parents will “freak out”, or overreact.  So keep your equilibrium when your child mentions (or you find out about) the latest drama at school, so-and-so getting caught with drugs, a falling-out with a friend, or even the results of a practical joke.  Keep an expression of calm interest, calm concern, calm sympathy, or calm amusement on your face and in your voice.   

Especially if you’re responding to something upsetting (like that disrespect we mentioned!), your child will be on a hair-trigger. You will gain great credibility with them by remaining calm as you address it. You can issue corrections, make disappointment clear, and express worry – but when you speak in a matter-of-fact tone, they will hear it so much better.   

(Click to tweet: You will gain great credibility with your teen by remaining calm as you address their issues.)

And you will hear so much more from them going forward, because they know you are “safe” to share things with.

3. Even teens who look aloof, want your encouragement and affection

A teen may look like they are keeping you at arm’s length – or worse! But in most cases, that is just on the surface. Deep down (and not very deep at that) they still really want and need your encouragement, affection and reassurance.

Teens are changing rapidly, and all those changes are just as confusing to them as they are to you.  They want you (who are still the most important people in their lives!) to notice and appreciate them as new and unique individuals. Teenage Nate and teenage Olivia may have the same name, eye color and funny-sounding laugh as five years ago, but they are very different people today. They need someone who sees them for who they are, enjoys them, and wants to walk alongside them through life. They need hugs and affection.  

So take a deep breath. They don’t really want to push you away. They don’t really hate you. It just sometimes feels that way.

4. They appreciate being heard

Seven out of ten kids want their parents to acknowledge that they don’t fully understand the changes going on in their kids and then affirm, “But I love you and value you and I want to understand who you are becoming.” Go out for coffee or a meal together and leave the cell phones at home.  Since side-by-side conversation is often better for boys, ask your son, while you’re driving somewhere, about what he’s feeling about the upcoming tryouts.  Take the time, repeatedly, to prove to your teen that you want to hear how things are going and what they are thinking. They desperately want to know “What do Mom and Dad think of who I’m becoming?”

In a few short years, your teenager’s prickly behavior will be a distant memory. They will move from being annoyed, embarrassed and curt with you to recognizing your wisdom and desiring your friendship.

Hang in there! Your teenager is doing the hard work right now of growing and discovering who they are. And deep down, they need to know that you’re their biggest fan.

Want to know how to be kind, when you’re really not feeling it? My research uncovered three daily actions that will transform your relationships – and you. Check out For Women Only, The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, demonstrates that kindness is the answer to almost every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

The post Four Fantastic Facts to Know about Your Prickly Teen appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

3 Essential Things You Need to Know About A Man’s Brain

The funniest movie moment I saw last summer comes at the very end of Inside Out, as the main preteen girl character talks to a preteen boy at a hockey rink. We’ve been seeing inside her head the whole movie, but instantly the camera zooms out of her brain and into his…. where his mental control room is suddenly in chaos. The warning lights flash “GIRL! GIRL! GIRL!” and everything in his mind seizes up or turns somersaults.

My 12-year-old son saw that and said, “Actually… that’s pretty much what it feels like.”

If you are a girl or woman who didn’t know that you have the ability to create an electrical storm in the male brain, join the club. A few years ago, I was shocked as I first started learning some of this stuff! But since it’s actually really important, I investigated, for my book, Through A Man’s Eyes, to find out what goes on in the male brain when a man or boy sees certain things.

So here are three key facts we females usually don’t know about the male brain wiring – but really need to!

Fact #1: The male brain is physically different

I would say “Their brains are wired weird,” but that would get me in trouble. What I mean is this: men don’t just think differently than women, the structure of their brains is physically different. Not only that, the male brain has a completely different chemical-hormonal mix in many ways. And that structure and that chemical makeup are focused around processing life visually.

By contrast, the female brain is focused around processing life verbally and emotionally.

In other words, at the most simplistic level, a guy sees life while a woman feels and talks about life. Whether he is a 12-year-old boy or an 82-year-old man, it is impossible for a male to not be visually oriented – just as it is impossible for a woman not to experience emotions about certain things.

Fact #2: The sight of the female body triggers an involuntary sexual reaction.

Yes, I know it’s a huge shocker that men think about sex a lot. Check. But that’s not exactly what I mean.

Certain sights are automatically, biologically, sexual in nature to the male brain – which means those sights deliver a dose of pleasure regardless of whether the guy wants them to. For example, even a five-year-old boy, who has no idea what sex is, will have an instantaneous and gut-level feeling of pleasure when he sees the college-age babysitter whose clothes (or lack thereof) draw overt attention to a great figure. Even a fifty-year-old husband who loves and honors his wife, can have an involuntary, instantaneous spike of pleasure in his brain when the image of the provocative lingerie model flashes across the television screen before he can look away.

I’m sure that some of you – like me – are a bit surprised or disturbed at the notion of an involuntary pleasurable reaction. That is because our brain is wired completely differently. Thus, most women have never experienced any kind of involuntary, gut-level, sexually-pleasurable reaction to visual images. So we have no idea that men do. Every day.

There is, however, a brain parallel we can understand. Let’s say you haven’t eaten all day and you walk into a dinner party to find a mouthwatering buffet across the room. In that split-second, a center in the back of your brain called the nucleus accumbens lights up and triggers an instinctive reaction: I want to consume that. Zero thought involved. It’s an automatic response.

Well, the same thing happens to a guy when he sees a woman dressed in a way that calls overt attention to her knockout figure. His nucleus accumbens lights up, triggering an automatic sense of pleasure and desire. He doesn’t desire the person, exactly, but that image.  And it’s critical to remember that his brain did that involuntarily.

He is then very tempted to actually look at that sexy image – to “consume” it, so to speak — because doing so would continue that dose of pleasure in his brain.

Fact #3: After the biological reaction comes the mental choice

So then the $10 million question is: what happens next in that visual brain of his?

In the next split-second after the nucleus accumbens lights up involuntarily, the cortical (thinking) centers kick in at the front of the brain. This is where the thought process, will, and decision-making occur. Suddenly, the man has a decision to make: to actually savor the sight of that attractive woman in the clingy outfit… or to look away and honor God and (if he’s married) his wife in his thought life? Remember, the first reaction (temptation/desire) was automatic, biological, and involuntary; the next step will be a choice.

How your husband, boyfriend, or son might actually handle that choice, and what you can do about it, is a topic for another day (and one we cover thoroughly in Through a Man’s Eyes).

For now, let’s venture to agree on the fact that although this visual wiring might seem foreign – and even, for some of us, alarming! – it appears that God created men’s and women’s brains to work in these ways. And if so, that means He created men to be visual and intends that to be a good thing, not a bad one!

Yes, this wiring can certainly pose challenges for modern men as they are confronted with sights in public that they were only supposed to see in private. As many wives have sadly seen firsthand, some men have become trapped in bad choices that become unhealthy for them and very hurtful for the relationship. (Although thankfully, many wives have also seen that understanding this temptation can be a vital step in moving their man toward healing.)

But this wiring can also be a wonderful thing. After all, remember: when a man looks at his bride, he can fully enjoy that nucleus accumbens lighting up! And then both of them can then enjoy everything that comes with it!

Do you want Shaunti to share life-changing truths – including helping women understand men – at your event, church service or network? , The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, demonstrates that kindness is the answer to almost every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

Originally published at XXXChurch.com

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3 Things Every Boy Needs From His Mom

In more than a decade of research with thousands of men and boys over the years, one thing that has stood out is the power of a mom’s words to build her son up – or (accidentally) tear him down. Whether your son is five or fifteen, several phrases are a big, big deal. Here are three:

1. “I’m so proud of you.” All males are powerfully moved by hearing these words, but perhaps none more so than the young, testosterone-laden male humanoids who may at times act first, think later, and thus are more used to hearing (as they are stitched up in the Emergency Room) “What were you thinking?”  If you make a point of finding and saying those things worth praising whenever they happen, it tells a young man that this is truly who he is – not that buffoon who occasionally gets dinged for doing something dumb.

2. “Sure, you can try it.”  I hesitate to put this phrase so soon after the act-first-think-later-then-require-stitches example used above, but this truly is powerful in a young man’s life – especially when he hears it from “Cautious Mom” rather than “Adventure Dad.”  Dads, having been young men themselves, know how vital it is that a boy try to do something on his own. Yes, he might try and fail (see Emergency Room example above), but he might do OK. Better yet, he might actually shine! It is hard for us to let our boy take this risk – no matter how big and husky, these are our babies! – but it is essential for his confidence for the future that he be able to try and try again. Which leads to the last phrase.

3. “It was just a mistake, you’ll do better next time.” We women sometimes think that we have to make a point of holding up a mistake so our son recognizes that he failed and doesn’t do something that way again. (“See what happens when you don’t study long enough?” “You forgot your equipment for practice again? That’s why you kept getting benched last year.” ) But the research with men and boys is clear: your son does recognize he failed at something. For a guy, a mistake or a way he didn’t succeed at what he tried to do, is a huge, huge deal. It looms large in a boy’s mind, condemning him oh, every five minutes or so. He needs to hear you say you believe in him and you know he’ll do it right next time. “I know you’ll be studying hard this next few weeks before exams, and you’ll do great.” And if you say it, it builds him up to believe he can do it.

A boy will never be perfect at what he does. After all, we aren’t either, right? But approaching his actions in these I-believe-in-you ways makes it far more likely that he actually will do it right over time. In other words: by your words of affirmation, you are helping him to actually become that great young man you know he can be.

Want to know how to be kind, when you’re really not feeling it? My research uncovered three daily actions that will transform your relationships – and you. Check out For Women Only, The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, demonstrates that kindness is the answer to almost every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

The post 3 Things Every Boy Needs From His Mom appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Why your kindness to ONE person can change the world

Picture a cup filled with hot water. Now imagine taking a tea bag, dipping it in the water quickly, and taking it back out. The water is, for the most part, unchanged, with just a wisp of caramel color trailing through it. Now picture dipping the same bag back in the cup for thirty seconds. What happens? The water is still water, but it takes on a honeyed hue.  

Do it again, but this time leave the tea bag in for five minutes.  The essence of the water has completely changed. In taking on the characteristics of the agent of change – its aroma, color, and flavor – the cup of water has become a cup of tea.

Our Kindness to Others is Transformative

After years of extensive research for The Kindness Challenge, to explore the potency of true kindness, we’ve found that kindness is a lot like that bag of tea. It has a power to transform that is unparalleled in social science. The acts and attitudes of kindness change the essence of who we are…and then each of our relationships… and then everything around us. Like the submerged tea bag slowly but completely changes its world, your kindness changes the world you live in.

And can we agree that our world is in desperate need of change? We are becoming more harsh, more divided. We see a rise in “despair deaths” – alcoholism, drugs, and suicide. We’ve all bemoaned that incivility has reached epic proportions.

But our culture is not going to fix itself. Instead, we are sent by God to be that agent of change. He has given us his truth, his love, his kindness – and we are to be the potent presence that transforms everything around us.  

And that means being willing to be an agent of change with – here’s the hard part – one person at a time.   

There’s no such thing as engaging a culture. A culture is made of people. We engage with each individual person.  Which means accepting Jesus’ mandate to truly love that one person in front of us (the argumentative stepfather, the frustrating colleague, the needy friend) even when we really don’t want to.

It also means a purposeful effort to truly be in the world (engaging even the difficult situations) without being of the world (without ever being difficult ourselves).

And when we do this, according to our national research study, here’s how those one-on-one choices will change our culture’s deep patterns of hurt.

First, kindness transforms us even as we practice it. The most important aspect of intentional kindness is not what it does for others: but how it changes us.  We suddenly see our own “kindness blindness”—those areas we were impatient, irritated, sarcastic, defeatist or distracted that we simply didn’t notice before! Sometimes that blindness even extends to unkindness towards ourselves.

Second, as we become less critical and more grateful, others around us change. Because kindness has a way of becoming the salve for many wounds.

Kindness sets off a chain reaction. It replicates itself. It goes viral. In a beautiful, miraculous way, it spreads by transforming those it touches so they become carriers and pass it along.

We tested an initiative called the 30-Day Kindness Challenge, that has since spread around the world.  Many people described seeing the person they were being kind to suddenly become more gentle, caring, and attentive to others, themselves! They realized that they had become a sort of super-carrier: they were spreading kindness in all directions without really intending to.

Although popular culture is fascinated by stories of overnight success, isn’t it just the way our world works that monumental change happens as the byproduct of consistent small activity? Great canyons are formed by the persistence of tiny creeks. Masses of people wake up to great evils through the determined pursuit of justice by a few.

Water becomes tea because the tea bag simply stays in contact.

We’re all remarkably influenced by the culture around us, living and breathing certain attitudes that then become our own. We pick up certainly beliefs largely because of what others around us think. That is the power of influence.

Well, God says we have it too – with everyone we touch.

We are influencing others. We can subtly contribute to the subconscious negativity and dissatisfaction our culture is already flavored with, or we can plunge in with potent kindness to every person we meet and thereby add a completely different aroma, color and flavor.  And that kindness will transform.

Want to know how to be kind, when you’re really not feeling it? My research uncovered three daily actions that will transform your relationships – and you. Check out For Women Only, The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, demonstrates that kindness is the answer to almost every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

The post Why your kindness to ONE person can change the world appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Seeking new writers!

We are looking for more writers who can embody Shaunti’s voice through both original pieces and re-purposing of existing content. Do you meet deadlines in a timely fashion? Listen to constructive criticism and suggestions without taking offense? Have a passion for Shaunti’s work to improve relationships by explaining the little things that make a big difference? Send an email to Charlyn and see if you can join our team.

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Finally Kill the Never-Ending Cycle of the Grumpy Husband – Forever

Dear Shaunti:

My husband is an involved dad, a leader at our church, the type of guy people look to for advice, and he goes over and above his requirements on the job. But he is often grumpy and withdrawn at home. He gets upset at the littlest things I say. He seems to think I’m hard to please, but I’m not! But his constant grumpiness has started to annoy me, to be honest, and then I do say things that make him grumpier. We’ve GOT to break this cycle, but I feel helpless and don’t know how.

– Grumpy Spouse

Dear Grumpy Spouse,

You started off with a great list of things you appreciate about your man. Have you mentioned them to him? I’ve got a news flash for you: your man is giving all the signs of a guy who is absolutely starving for affirmation. Being grumpy and withdrawn are the top signals of a man who is feeling inadequate and unappreciated at home. I don’t know why he thinks you’re hard to please, but I’d guess that he’s aching to know even one of those things that you think he does so well.

It might sound so odd to you that feeling unappreciated could lead to grumpiness, but keep in mind: men and women are two totally different creatures. We women love to feel loved, to know our man adores and cherishes us. We feel special and secure when we hear, “I love you.” But telling a man “I love you” really doesn’t have as much of an impact. Instead, your man needs to see and hear that you notice what he does well – and may need to hear a lot less of the sort of correction, “helpful” advice and telling-him-what-to do that implies he isn’t doing a very good job as a man or as a husband.

Why does that matter so much? Well, it may sound crazy, but men don’t doubt whether we love them; they doubt whether they are any good at what they do for us. The cry of a man’s heart is: Do I measure up? And more precisely: Does she think I measure up?  So for a guy there is nothing more appealing or powerful than seeing that we notice what he’s done for us – and that we think it is awesome. But he won’t know it unless we say it! We might think to ourselves how nice it was of him to put more gas in the car, but it may not occur to us to actually say, “Thank you so much for making sure I won’t run out of gas.” We just assume he knows we appreciate it.

But all too often, he doesn’t. And if he doesn’t, even the most innocuous comments could be heard as criticism. We poke our head into the living room, where he’s sorting mail after bringing the car back from the gas station, feeling pleased with himself for looking after his wife… and instead of giving him a hug of appreciation we say something like, “Honey, why didn’t you fill the tank all the way?”

Ouch.

If we do something like that, we are saying the opposite of what he is craving to hear. We’ve just said the one thing he dreads most: “No, sorry, you don’t measure up; in fact, what you did wasn’t good enough. You failed.” And when a guy feels inadequate and disrespected in that way, he is very likely to get angry and shut down.  If it happens consistently, he’s likely to get prickly.

It is so easy to think, those things shouldn’t bother him! But the only reason we think that is because they wouldn’t bother us. God made guys so different.

Once we women recognize that men have a deep emotional need to hear something completely different — and that certain things are legitimately painful — it can change the whole tone of our marriages.

If you want your man to open up instead of withdrawing, to love being with you, to light up like a Christmas tree when you’re around, and to see his eyes twinkle more often, I’d start with just two things: for a few weeks, stop yourself from saying anything negative to him or about him, and every day notice something that he does well – something you appreciate — and tell him what that is.  In fact, you might want to try the 30-Day Kindness Challenge; a lot of us are doing the same thing!

So next time you see him load Johnny into the car for soccer practice, try to stop yourself from checking whether he has all the right equipment and reminding him that he got it wrong last time.  He’s a grown man, and he can figure it out – and if he did it wrong last time, it is almost guaranteed that he’ll remember it this time!  Instead, give him a hug and say “Thanks for taking him to practice.  You’re such a great dad to him. He loves you taking him to soccer.”

Seriously. Try it. You might find that those seemingly minor comments have the most amazing, fulfilling impact of anything he’s heard all week – and that you’re seeing grumpy guy a lot less often.

Want to know how to be kind, when you’re really not feeling it? My research uncovered three daily actions that will transform your relationships – and you. Check out The Kindness Challenge, now available!

Helping people thrive in life and relationships is Shaunti Feldhahn’s driving passion, supported by her research projects and writing. After starting out with a Harvard graduate degree and experience on Wall Street, her life took an unexpected shift into relationship research. She now is a popular speaker around the world and the author of best-selling books about men, women, and relationships. (Including For Men Only, and the groundbreaking Shaunti Feldhahn.

Two Things You Need to Know About Yourself

If you’re reading this, I can tell you two things about yourself.

First: You think you’re a kind person. Kindness matters to you. You work at being kind, and you do not like the unkindness of others, or how harsh our culture has become. So you’re grateful that you, at least, are not like that. You feel good about being kind.

Second: You’re not as kind as you think you are.

Why am I so certain? Because 95% of people who tried our simple kindness initiative said they discovered the exact same thing.

Like the woman who recently sent me this message:

I was just at a women’s conference where you spoke about the 30-Day Kindness Challenge. You mentioned that when we started it, we were going to find out that we aren’t really as kind as we think we are. I thought to myself: WHAT? I’m REALLY, REALLY KIND. So I really doubted you.

Near the end of your talk, you said “I’m betting many of you already know who you’re supposed to do the 30-Day Kindness Challenge for,” and asked us to raise our hands if so. And I did. My teenage daughters raised their hands too. I sort of wondered if we had all selected the same person. (I know we didn’t… or they’re not doing a great job on the Challenge.Just sayin.’)

So anyway… I was telling some girlfriends about the Challenge and we happened upon the Kindness Quotient self-assessment on your website. One of my girlfriends also said she thought SHE was the one who was “REALLY, REALLY kind.” So I challenged her to a Kindness Quotient duel. For a brief second, I wondered if I should take it and find out what my score was before I go challenging her, but it was too late.

At first, I was scoring really well.  Like, I was sure I was headed for “Mother Theresa” and “Ghandi.”

Then all of a sudden there was a plot twist.

Your Kindness Quotient started asking specific questions about the person I had selected to do the 30-Day Kindness Challenge for, and that is when everything went awry.

My score bellied out there. I know that’s when it happened.

I’m just writing to say, that was a dirty trick. I really am a kind person… and my Kindness Quotient would have reflected that, if “my person” had been a kinder person. LOL.

In all seriousness, though. Since I know all your social research stuff, I left excited to do the Challenge. But I had no idea what an immediate difference it would make.

I’ll spare you the details, but I’m still amazed at how simple it was. And I’m not being fake about it either. It has made a huge difference. I’m only four days in on this Challenge. My marriage is amazingly better already. Thanks, again.

In his book, The Problem of Pain, C.S. Lewis made a powerful observation about how and why we are all so deluded about our own kindness. He said, “The real trouble is that ‘kindness’ is a quality fatally easy to attribute to ourselves on quite inadequate grounds. Everyone feels benevolent if nothing happens to be annoying him at the moment… We think we are kind when we are only happy.”

That dynamic is almost universal. We think we are kind, when we are only happy – simply because we’re not being irritated or frustrated at that moment.

This is why, I think, in his famous Sermon on the Mount, Jesus made such a point of saying (and I’m paraphrasing here), “If you’re kind to people who are kind to you, you don’t get any credit for that. Everyone does that. But what I’m calling you to do, is to treat those who are mean, unfair, and not kind to you, in the kind and generous and grace-filled way you wish they were treating you.”

That is what the famous Golden Rule actually means: Do unto others who are being cruel and unfair, in the way you wish they were doing unto you. (Don’t believe me?  Check it out in Luke 6:27-36.)

Moral of the story? We can’t truly be people of kindness until we confront the fact that we’re not yet there. Be brave, and take the Kindness Quotient self-assessment, to start you on your journey to true kindness – even when something is annoying you.

Want to know how to be kind, when you’re really not feeling it? My research uncovered three daily actions that will transform your relationships – and you. Check out The Kindness Challenge, now available!

Helping people thrive in life and relationships is Shaunti Feldhahn’s driving passion, supported by her research projects and writing. After starting out with a Harvard graduate degree and experience on Wall Street, her life took an unexpected shift into relationship research. She now is a popular speaker around the world and the author of best-selling books about men, women, and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, demonstrates that kindness is the answer to almost every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

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Moms, encourage your sons with three essential phrases.

In more than a decade of research with thousands of men and boys over the years, one thing that has stood out is the power of a mom’s words to build her son up – or (accidentally) tear him down.  Whether your son is five or fifteen, several phrases are a big, big deal.  Here are three:

1. “I’m so proud of you.”  All males are powerfully moved by hearing these words, but perhaps none more so than the young, testosterone-laden male humanoids who may at times act first, think later, and thus are more used to hearing (as they are stitched up in the Emergency Room) “What were you thinking?” If you make a point of finding and saying those things worth praising whenever they happen, it tells a young man that this is truly who he is — not that buffoon who occasionally gets dinged for doing something dumb.

2. “Sure, you can try it.”  I hesitate to put this phrase so soon after the act-first-think-later-then-require-stitches example used above, but this truly is powerful in a young man’s life – especially when he hears it from “Cautious Mom” rather than “Adventure Dad.” Dads, having been young men themselves, know how vital it is that a boy try to do something on his own.  Yes, he might try and fail (see Emergency Room example above), but he might do OK.  Better yet, he might actually shine!  It is hard for us to let our boy take this risk – no matter how big and husky, these are our babies! – but it is essential for his confidence for the future that he be able to try and try again.  Which leads to the last phrase.

3. “It was just a mistake, you’ll do better next time.” We women sometimes think that we have to make a point of holding up a mistake so our son recognizes that he failed and doesn’t do something that way again. (“See what happens when you don’t study long enough?”  “You forgot your equipment for practice again? That’s why you kept getting benched last year.” ) But the research with men and boys is clear: your son does recognize he failed at something. For a guy, a mistake or a way he didn’t succeed at what he tried to do, is a huge, huge deal.  It looms large in a boy’s mind, condemning him oh, every five minutes or so.  He needs to hear you say you believe in him and you know he’ll do it right next time.  “I know you’ll be studying hard this next few weeks before exams, and you’ll do great.”  And if you say it, it builds him up to believe he can do it.

A boy will never be perfect at what he does. After all, we aren’t either, right? But approaching his actions in these I-believe-in-you ways makes it far more likely that he actually will do it right over time.  In other words: by your words of affirmation, you are helping him to actually become that great young man you know he can be.

Want to know how to be kind, when you really don’t want to be? My research uncovered three daily actions that will transform your relationships – and you. Check out The Kindness Challenge, now available!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average, clueless people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

The post Moms, encourage your sons with three essential phrases. appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

The Hidden Truth About Venting

Your co-worker just made you so mad. Or maybe it was your husband who said something insensitive this morning. Or your teenager who rolled her eyes when you asked her to empty the dishwasher. Again.

You feel like a pot ready to explode, so you just need to let off a little steam. A few minutes of “can you believe he just said…” or “she’s so obnoxious when…” will make you feel so much better. Right? Right?

Wrong.

What is commonly viewed as “letting off steam” or “venting” is actually a myth. It can feel very satisfying, in the moment. But it ultimately changes us. And not in a good way. I’ve seen this truth for years in my own research and in other studies. That’s why the first assignment in my newest book, The Kindness Challenge, is to say nothing negative about the person with whom you want a better relationship. This includes saying something negative to them as well as about them to someone else.

I do quite a bit of work helping companies develop women’s leadership programs, and one high-level corporate client, Nadia, told me that she could trace her rise in corporate America to this one change.  Years ago, with a harsh boss, she would regularly gripe to a female co-worker.  But even though the co-worker was equally mistreated, she refused to join in. Finally, she asked Nadia, “If you complain, does it change anything?” When Nadia admitted that it wouldn’t actually change anything, her colleague shook her head. “You’re wrong,” she said. “It does change something. It changes you.”

Brain science researchers like Dr. Brad Bushman at Ohio State University have discovered that our idea of “letting off steam” as a way of dealing with negative feelings is completely wrong neurologically! Instead, it actually further activates an interconnected anger system in the brain. So when we vent with our friends or co-workers, we’re building up steam rather than releasing it.

A better analogy: expressing our frustrations turns up the heat under the pot – and stopping our negative talk is like putting a lid on the pot and removing it from the heat.  That choice actually changes the way ours brain process the negative situation. We’re just not as angry anymore! Even better, if we can actually look for something that is worthy of praise in this person or situation, positive feelings often replace the negative ones – which can help improve even the most difficult relationships.

This doesn’t mean you should repress negative feelings, or that you can’t share something important with a supportive friend.  It does mean to be careful about why you are sharing and how.

A friend recently decided to do the 30-Day Kindness Challenge for her 7 year-old adopted son. As a child from a hard place, he had spent years fighting attachment and exhibiting difficult and unpleasant behavior, mostly directed at his new mom. When she first started the challenge, my friend was honestly stumped about how she was going to participate in her regular support group for adoptive moms since she couldn’t say anything negative!

What occurred was fascinating. She was still able to share concerns and seek advice, but because she wasn’t sharing those “can you believe it?!” comments, she found she was much less angry with him.  As she sought support, her words were less heated – almost like reporting facts in a news story rather than fueling the fire of her frustration and anger. In the end she felt more positive about her relationship with her son and she still felt heard and understood by her support system. Win-win!

So the next time you find yourself picking up the phone to call a friend to complain, or start venting around the water cooler, stop yourself.  Remember that it will not make you feel better. Try it; you will see the difference it makes. And it will help you want to go the next step, which is to live a life evidenced by graciousness even when others are harsh. To be kind even when it isn’t warranted. To notice the things that are worthy of praise, not just those that are worthy of driving you crazy. And to be the one who reaches out to others, to share the truth that living life this way is a lot more fun.

Want to know how to be kind, when you really don’t want to be? My research uncovered three daily actions that will transform your relationships – and you. Check out The Kindness Challenge, now available!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average, clueless people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

The post The Hidden Truth About Venting appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.