Shaunti Feldhahn's Blog, page 52
July 10, 2017
4 Ways to Spark More Romance in Your Relationship
Ladies, have you been wishing your husband were more Prince Charming and a little less Homer Simpson lately? Been daydreaming that someday he would plan a special evening for just the two of you? But then is your next thought, “He doesn’t even care”?
Well, you might be surprised to learn that he does care -and he deeply wants to please you. During my research for For Women Only, I asked men if they desired romance in their relationship for themselves and I was shocked that 84% said yes!
Did you hear that?
8 out of every 10 men desire romance, just as much as we do. So, while your man might not seem romantic in the way you would like, he still wants romance!
While your man might not seem romantic in the way you would like, he still wants romance!“
What’s holding him back? Maybe he’s trying but you don’t interpret his attempts as romantic. Men and women sometimes define romance differently, so the signals between sender and receiver can get crossed.
Or—even more likely—maybe he’s concerned that he won’t please you. My research shows that a huge majority of men think they can put together a romantic event, but almost half aren’t confident that you’ll like it. And also for the huge majority of men, the prospect of failure is their most painful feeling. In other words, your man is probably worried that if he tries something, he’ll see signals that he didn’t get it right… and he knows that will hurt.
So what can you do to encourage your reluctant Romeo? Here are four ways to give him inspiration, encouragement, and confidence to up his romantic game:
1. Recognize his romantic intentions.
The first step is fine-tuning your awareness. What you interpret and define as romantic might be different than your husband. For a man, enjoying “play time” with his partner – just spending time together, whether watching tv, sharing an activity, or going somewhere together, is truly romantic. So, don’t always be looking for flowers and candlelight. Expand your definition of romance, and key into his.
2. Give him a chance to practice.
Though he may feel tentative and uncertain, your appreciation will foster boldness on his part to continue his efforts. Translation: don’t gently tease him for not quite getting the right amount of cheese on the pizza he tried to make from scratch for dinner, or for picking a sports bar when he planned a date night out. As you show only appreciation and withhold criticism, he’ll be more confident. And at that point, you’ll have the foundation to give feedback that won’t be seen as criticism. (“I love this sports bar – so fun! Since we’ve come here three times in a row, you know what I’d love at some point? A seafood place on the lake or something. That would be cool, too.”) As he sees what you like, you’ll enjoy more experiences that are tailored to your likes & dislikes, and he’ll develop confidence that he’s pleasing you. That’s a win-win!
3. Appreciate romantic gestures of all sizes.
Make sure your man knows that every experience doesn’t have to top the last one! Guys can get paralyzed by that idea. Make sure he knows that a spontaneous outing to get ice cream (“just because!”) can have as much impact as an over-the-top effort planned months in advance. Remember, even your man’s smallest act of kindness demonstrates how much he loves and cares for you.
Remember, even your man’s smallest act of kindness demonstrates how much he loves and cares for you.“
4. Entice him.
The icing on the cake to encourage your man’s romance will be flirtatious interactions with you – the kind that both inspires and reflects romance. If you’ve been together for a while, it’s possible that you’ve settled into a kind of friendly companionship. Be the sultry soulmate again. Make yourself the kind of friend – both outside the bedroom and in it – that your man constantly wants to pursue. For most men, sex is a big part of romance and it means being close to you on all levels. And what’s more romantic than that?
Wherever your husband falls on the romance scale, it’s a pretty sure bet that he wants to please you. Recognize that about him, and appreciate his desire and efforts toward romance… and you’ll see romance a lot more often.
Helping people thrive in life and relationships is Shaunti Feldhahn’s driving passion, supported by her research projects and writing. After starting out with a Harvard graduate degree and experience on Wall Street, her life took an unexpected shift into relationship research. She now is a popular speaker around the world and the author of best-selling books about men, women, and relationships. (Including For Men Only, and the groundbreaking Shaunti Feldhahn.
July 7, 2017
New Zealand Adventures, Part 2
Enjoy this round-up from our New Zealand adventures these past few days!
Day 2, Continued…
The afternoon of our Day 2 in New Zealand, we continued the beach theme (see previous blog post!) but this time we had to hike 90 minutes round trip to get there! The world-famous Cathedral Cove is a fairly active hike up and down through a semi-rainforest, a pine forest and finally 150 stairs down to the absolutely stunning beach vista used in the farewell scene of the Pevensie children in the Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian. Gorgeous!
After that, we drove around the Coromandel Peninsula, looking for New Zealand ice cream in the town of Whitianga. Although we got there after 5pm, and the only ice cream shop was closed, we did find a convenience store still open which sold ice cream. (We are quite surprised at how early the stores close, here! But as our daughter pointed out, it allows the shop workers to be home with their families for dinner, which is probably a much healthier expectation than the USA version of staying open until 8 or 9 pm!). After ice cream (doing things backward!), we got meat pies for dinner. This is our new favorite food! Picture a single-size chicken pot pie but with every conceivable meat filling, and available fresh and hot at every convenience store, bakery and gas station!
Stayed overnight at an adorable stand-alone motel unit bungalow with 2 bedrooms, at a ‘Holiday Park’ (a campground that also has bungalows). What an amazing day.
Day 3 – Driving Down the Entire Length of the North Island to Wellington!
This was a long, meandering driving day through the gorgeous countryside of New Zealand. We drove from the northern tip of Coromandel Peninsula, quite far north in the country, all the way to the southern tip of the North Island. New Zealand is two large land masses – the North and South Islands. We couldn’t do both in the roughly 6 days we have, so we concentrated on the North Island. The drive was beautiful, although quite long because except around the two major cities, New Zealand doesn’t have a big highway system! So we were driving along the equivalent of Route 66 in the US, meandering through small towns en route. Which is what made a long driving day (almost 12 hours) quite fun!
We ate meat pies (of course) in a little bakery on the way, and later passed the beautiful Lake Taupo, crowned by a beautiful horizon-to-horizon rainbow.
Jeff and I finally feel like we got the hang of driving on the left hand side of the road without having to think about it every moment. We must confess, though, that we were very glad to pull into Wellington at 9:15 pm, before the front desk of our lodge closed at 9:30! We were ready to stretch out and rest!
Day 4 – Wellington and Weta Studios!
Today is one of those bucket-list days for me, so forgive the long post on this! As a movie fan (I am one of those people who always watches the behind-the-scenes features on the making of the movie, on our movie DVDs!) I have for YEARS wanted to tour Weta Studios/Workshop. These folks are the geniuses behind the special effects in many of our favorite blockbusters…not just the Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit, but Avatar, lots of Marvel movies (The Avengers, Iron Man), Narnia movies, etc.
So I woke up this morning as excited as a kid at Christmas, to be totally honest about just how big of a movie nerd I am! 
July 6, 2017
Sex and Men’s True Hidden Desire
Wives, does your husband want sex…again? It’s not just a physical need — it’s also about emotions. Here are three things he’s not saying out loud when he comes to you for sex:
1. “I need to feel desirable.” We women may think sex is just a physical need for a guy, but that’s not most of what is going on. When his wife responds to him – or initiates it herself! – it meets a deep emotional need to feel that his wife desires him.
Women may think sex is just a physical need for a guy, but it’s more about a deep emotional need.“
2. “I love you and want to be closer to you.” We women want to feel close outside the bedroom in order to feel close inside the bedroom. But for many men, when they feel tension in the air, when there’s distance, when they know something’s just not right… they miss their wife. For a man’s biological chemistry, in fact, sex is one of the only times that his brain releases oxytocin, the bonding hormone, which brings a great feeling of closeness with someone. When he reaches for you, you may think, I cannot believe he would want sex now, when we’re at odds/fighting/distant. But instead, realize: he’s reaching for you in order to get back that feeling of closeness with you that he is longing for.
3. “I’m really vulnerable right now.” Because sex is more of an emotional need than a physical one for him, many men in my research told me there is no time more insecure, scary and vulnerable than when they approach their wives in that way. They are essentially laying their “desirability” and their heart out in front of you and asking, “what do you think of me?” Without realizing it, when we are tired or just not in the mood, it is easy to brush him off in a way that cuts that vulnerable heart deeply. Now, just to be clear, this doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t have a say in the matter! Of course, there will be times we simply aren’t able to respond. But when that happens, it is even more critical that we show him how much we care, how much we love him, and (with a saucy wink) that we need to make a date for another night!
Want to know how to be kind, when you’re really not feeling it? My research uncovered three daily actions that will transform your relationships – and you. Check out For Women Only, The Good News About Marriage).
Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, demonstrates that kindness is the answer to almost every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
This article was first published at Patheos.
The post Sex and Men’s True Hidden Desire appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.
July 4, 2017
2 Reasons You Should NOT Be Independent
You might look at that title and raise an eyebrow. Isn’t independence what we are going for?
Well, yes, we are going for it: and it is one of the main reasons we have so much stress in our lives. In part because of my Life Ready Woman book and Bible Study, I hear from people all the time who feel completely burned out and weary. And as I listen to their stories I see the same theme. Without even realizing it, we can end up being isolated or lonely – even if we do not think of ourselves that way!
We have to do a radical rethink. Most likely, the last thing you want is to be isolated. Here are two very common ways you might be isolating yourself without realizing it –and what to do about it:
1. Letting inertia take over instead of putting yourself in community
We are all busy. I have two busy teenagers, a busy husband, and am myself always running around the country on speaking engagements. I’m full up. So what suffers? Getting together with friends; prioritizing our church connect group. “Sorry, we weren’t able to be there tonight… or last week… or the month before that…”
But we were not created to do life alone. After all, according to how the biblical book of Genesis describes it, God looked at all of his creation and said “it is good,” with one exception: it was absolutely not good for man to be alone. So God made someone with whom he could do life. Then, in the first recorded small group, he himself walked in the garden with the man and his wife.
Scientists have found that when we don’t do life with others, we are at higher risk of everything from depression to cancer. Over and over in the Bible, God stresses that he designed us to love and support each other. We are directed (not asked) to live in community with other followers of Christ. That means we have to prioritize community and work everything else around it if at all possible!
2. Not asking for help
Community doesn’t have to mean always being in harmony. It means simply sharing life together: not just offering support, but asking for it when it is needed. It means treating your community as if they are true family.
When I was living in Boston, a pastor shared a story about good friends who had moved to California. One night at 3:00 am, the pastor and his wife were awakened with an urgent phone call from their friends, asking for prayer. Raging wildfires were threatening their home and community. From their window they could see the glow of thousands of acres burning, the fire advancing quickly as they raced to evacuate their home. The pastor and his wife got out of their bed and knelt on the cold floor, praying urgently for an hour for the protection of their friends, their home, and everyone in the area.
In the end, although the fire consumed thousands of acres and several neighborhoods, the broader community – and their friends’ house – was spared.
The homeowner called the pastor and thanked him profusely for being a true friend. The pastor answered, “No. Thank you. You were the one being a true friend. You thought enough of our friendship that you were willing to wake us up in the middle of the night to ask us to pray. You were good enough friends that you were willing to ‘inconvenience’ us.”
Are you good enough friends with someone that you are willing to “inconvenience” them and share your struggles and ask for help? So often, we can see the fires of financial crisis, health issues or kids’ rebellion on the horizon. We pray and pray. God wants us to call on Him, of course! But God has also created community for us to call on—even in the middle of the night. That is what God has designed for you.
If you do not have a community of people like that around you, decide that this week is the week you will start to make that a reality. It has to be authentic, and it won’t probably happen all at once. But start to invite others over for dinner. Make friends. Be vulnerable. And be willing to not just offer help – but to ask for it.
In the end, your willingness to do both these things will be a blessing for you and those around you!
Want to know how to be kind, when you’re really not feeling it? My research uncovered three daily actions that will transform your relationships – and you. Check out For Women Only, The Good News About Marriage).
Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, demonstrates that kindness is the answer to almost every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
This article first appeared at Patheos.
The post 2 Reasons You Should NOT Be Independent appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.
July 3, 2017
The road goes ever on and on …
Our family is having a BLAST on our New Zealand/Australia adventure! What a joy to combine speaking engagements with touring beautiful sites. Here are a few of the highlights so far:
You know those once in a lifetime family trips you’ve always wanted to take? This is ours! Arrived in Auckland, New Zealand and are so excited to have 6 days here to see this beautiful country, then on to Australia!
We were so grateful for our new friends Gloria and Alan (mutual friends with another couple) who put us up in Auckland last night and fed us an amazing home-cooked meal and gave us some nice warm beds that were soooo welcome after 26 hours of travel! We will be back here Thursday, but now, we are off to explore the countryside!
Greetings from Middle Earth! We are all total Lord of the Rings nerds in our family, so we are fulfilling a dream of seeing the Hobbiton Movie set in Matamata, New Zealand! What a neat place.
The Family at Bag End, the famous home of Bilbo and Frodo. This place is amazing!
The latest in our New Zealand chronicles: we have had the craziest once-in-a-lifetime experience! We heard about this amazing place called Hot Water Beach. NZ is part of the Ring of Fire with tons of geothermal activity, and this beach on the Pacific Ocean has hot springs UNDER THE BEACH! You can only access them at low tide but once you find them you can dig your own hot tub! And keep in mind this is deep winter here! So the crazy Feldhahns decide to try to dig a hot tub under the stars last night. Strikeout. The ultra-cold waves overran every attempt we made to dig a wall! We decided to nickname it Hypothermia Beach instead. This morning: redemption! We tried again, banding together with a dozen other people to build one giant hot pool, who could keep rebuilding the walls when the waves overran it! What a unique experience!
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June 30, 2017
4 Tricks to Control Your Temper When You Want to Explode
While doing some research for my next book, I realized something important: when we are angry, most of us handle it wrong! Here are four ways to keep ourselves from (forgive the Marvel reference) turning into a big green rage monster when we otherwise really want to!
1. In advance, realize: “venting” only makes things worse! Most of us have bought into the idea that letting a little steam out of the kettle now prevents it from exploding later, right? And taking a few minutes to vent to or about your spouse, child or boss just feels quite satisfying when we have steam pouring out of our ears. The problem is, it turns out, it hurts instead of helping.
Neuroscientists such as Dr. Brad Bushman at Ohio State have discovered that actually expressing the anger we feel further activates an interconnected anger system in the brain and makes the kettle boil that much more. So while we can certainly express anger any time we want to, the question is whether we should if we want to keep her temper in check and preserve a relationship, a job, or our sanity.
2. Instead of “letting off steam,” remove yourself from the heat. If we’re boiling and don’t want to be, the researchers suggest the equivalent of putting the lid on tight and removing the pot from the heat. When we decide to be calm (see below), it is the equivalent of smothering the anger and denying it oxygen to burn. And when we remove or distract ourselves from whatever is making us furious, we find our anger cooling off until, in many cases, we’re simply not angry anymore.
So when your co-worker expresses frustration that the boss made everyone work late last night, instead of chiming in with the “Yeah, and guess what else?!” additional grievances, calmly say “Yep, that was frustrating. So about these quarterly numbers…” And if the other person persists, excuse yourself, go back to your cube, and force yourself to think something more healthy. Like what else you were working on. Or that dream Caribbean vacation.
(One hint for husbands or boyfriends, though: given what we discovered in our research about how women are wired, if you have to remove yourself from an emotional conflict, be sure to reassure your wife or girlfriend that you two are okay and you’ll be able to talk about it later. That gives her the reassurance of your love that she needs to give you space without simmering and venting, herself.)
3. Before you speak, pause. So how do you manage to respond “calmly” to your coworker (or spouse, or in laws…) when you’re just as mad as he or she is? Here’s the answer: force yourself to pause for a few seconds before you reply. Seriously. That allows your will to catch up with your roiling emotions, so you can decide to handle your words well. (If I reply to this now, it’s only going to make it worse. Best to ask if we can continue this conversation at 1:30.) More important, if you’re a person of faith, it also gives God a chance to touch your heart and steer your reply before you forge ahead with guns blazing, and cause casualties you’ll regret later.
So when you’re worried about your son’s progress in school and seven shades of upset that your husband didn’t agree to hire a tutor to help him, force yourself to pause and get your thoughts together before you speak. “Think before you speak” is one of the earliest lessons we teach our kids, and yet sometimes we forget it as adults. We need to relearn that skill, especially when it comes to those relationships that are most important to us.
4. Apologize. Since we will not always do it right, despite all those strategies, we also need to practice apologies each and every time they are needed. “I’m sorry, honey. I know you care about Billy, and I shouldn’t have ever implied that you didn’t. Will you forgive me?” You don’t need to necessarily agree (“Maybe this weekend, we could talk more specifically about why I think a tutor is so important, and how we can get the money to pay for it”) but you do need to apologize.
This is in part because our research with the happiest relationships found that we need to keep short accounts, be willing to make up, and always ask for forgiveness when we have wronged someone else – regardless of whether they have wronged us too. But also because if we know we’re going to have to apologize if we let our temper run away with us, we’ll be far less likely to do it next time!
Tell yourself venting will make it worse. Remove yourself from the frustrating situation or focus on something else. Pause to let your ability to make a good choice catch up with you. And apologize if you don’t. Try those simple, simple actions for just a few weeks and you’ll find yourself handling difficult feelings so well, you won’t even remember the big green rage monster any more.
Want to know how to be kind, when you’re really not feeling it? My research uncovered three daily actions that will transform your relationships – and you. Check out For Women Only, The Good News About Marriage).
Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, demonstrates that kindness is the answer to almost every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
This article was first published at Patheos.
The post 4 Tricks to Control Your Temper When You Want to Explode appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.
June 29, 2017
The Guaranteed Cure for “Grumpy Guy” Syndrome
He’s an involved dad. He’s respected at church. People come to him for advice. He’s an all-around great guy but more and more often he seems to transform into “Mister Grumpy” when he gets home. Either small things seem to upset him, or he easily becomes withdrawn – or both.
Wish there was a prescription that would turn your husband back into the confident, engaging man you married? Well, there is… but it’s nothing he takes in. It is something you can change about what you send out. Because unless he is clinically depressed (and if he is, that’s a different topic), the issue goes deeper than any medication can reach.
After surveying thousands of men for For Women Only and other books, I’ve seen this one overwhelming truth: being grumpy and withdrawn are the top signals of a man who is feeling inadequate and unappreciated.
Being grumpy and withdrawn are the top signals of a man who is feeling inadequate and unappreciated.“
Keep in mind that men are different mental animals than women. Their brains function in a very different way. When your husband tells you how much he loves you, it touches you deeply. But as strange as it sounds, when you do the same back to him—simply saying that you love him—it doesn’t help him feel loved. What your husband is begging for you to communicate is your respect and approval. He aches to hear from you that he measures up and that he’s good enough for you. But if he doesn’t feel that way, a black cloud settles over him.
Here’s how you can share that he does measure up, in a way that will almost always lift the black cloud over your man.
What your husband is begging for you to communicate is your respect and approval.“
Action #1: Realize that he is secretly vulnerable – and needs you to notice what he does.
Remember that teenage boy who would flex his muscles in front of the cheerleaders? We all knew that boys did that because they were secretly insecure, right? Well, that teenage boy still lives deep down inside of your husband — and you’re his cheerleader. Secretly, even the most confident looking man is secretly doubting himself. The more inadequate he feels about what he does in the little daily tasks of life, the more sad and grumpy he will be.
Being his cheerleader changes all of that.
So, notice what he does well, every day, in the little things of life… and let him know that you notice it and think he does well at it. It can be something as simple as “Thanks for filling up the car, honey” or something as meaningful as, “Honey, I know you’re tired tonight. Thanks for working so hard. I love how committed you are to providing for our family.”
Action #2: Avoid “helpful” comments unless they are truly essential
Giving what we think of as “helpful” comments is a sneaky but huge way we sabotage the happy man we most want. “Oh honey, thanks for doing the dishes but they don’t go in the dishwasher that way,” is surprisingly annoying and painful to a guy. As one morose husband told me, “It’s the ‘no thank you’ thank-you.”
Why? Because remember: he’s already doubting himself. And if he’s already feeling inadequate, it makes perfect sense that instead of hearing “helpful,” he’ll likely translate your words into the very thing he dreads hearing the most: “You’re not doing it right. What you did wasn’t good enough. You don’t measure up.”
It might sound odd to us as women, but when a guy feels inadequate he often begins to think “Why should I even try? Nothing I do is good enough for her.” If it happens consistently, he’s likely to move from frustrated to grumpy to total shut down.
Now, of course, some helpful comments are truly essential. If he’s dressed the kids in swim gear, but you’d learned that they are going to the movies instead, well, yes, that would be a time you need to say something!
But most of the time, those ‘helpful’ comments are not truly essential. So instead of asking why he did a task in a certain way or pointing how you would do it differently (or getting annoyed that “he’s so oversensitive!”), look for the good in his efforts and appreciate them. After all, even though he may have loaded the dishwasher differently, the dishes were still cleaned!
Action #3: Affirm Him in the Bedroom
Physical intimacy does far, far more for our husbands than we realize. If your husband is like most men, sex for him is not primarily a physical need: it is an emotional need to feel that you desire him, and that you think he does measure up as a husband. Again, speaking to that deep worry in his heart in a positive way builds him up – and in a negative or neglectful way tears him down.
Imagine that your husband rarely or never talked to you, never filled the emotional need of your soul to connect, to be listened to. You asked him what happened today and he smiled and yawned and walked out of the room. Would not you feel morose and grumpy after a while? That is how men feel when their longing to sexually connect with their wives goes unfulfilled.
Also, for your man, sex is very likely a way he instinctively wants to connect with you and rebuild any closeness that has been lost during a hectic day or a crazy week. See it for what it is. Respond to the emotional desire behind his physical desire, and you’ll soon see grumpy guy a lot less often.
Want to know how to be kind, when you’re really not feeling it? My research uncovered three daily actions that will transform your relationships – and you. Check out For Women Only, The Good News About Marriage).
Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, demonstrates that kindness is the answer to almost every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
This post first appeared at Patheos.
The post The Guaranteed Cure for “Grumpy Guy” Syndrome appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.
June 26, 2017
4 Things That Will Strengthen Your Long-Distance Relationship
Today’s article is a guest post from my Digital Content Manager, Caroline Niziol. Caroline has been on my team since 2014 and works primarily on blogs, social media, and lots of other projects. I hope everyone involved in long-distance relationships finds her article encouraging. These points are great to keep in mind whether or not you’re currently doing the 30-Day Kindness Challenge for your spouse!
My husband and I have been together for nearly seven years and married for the past five. He worked a traveling job during our entire relationship until a couple of months ago. Except for occasional times at home, he traveled from Monday-Friday out of town and came home only on the weekends. We didn’t face the stress or hardship of a military deployment or other work situations where a spouse is out of town for months at a time. Still, keeping our relationship strong and healthy was challenging — especially since we have three small children (yes, despite the travel, we did have babies in 2013, 2015, and 2016!)
Shaunti has received several questions from readers related to long-distance relationships (LDRs). Given my firsthand experience, I decided to take a stab at writing up a few points to help. I didn’t want to rely only on my own experiences, so I talked to several friends involved now or before in LDRs, across the spectrum of dating, engagement, and marriage. (Names have been changed for privacy). Here are four tips to keep the love alive when you’re apart:
1. Communicate frequently. Many couples find it helpful to text their significant other throughout the day. Some people prefer to schedule phone dates instead of texting. It’s key to connect throughout the day, while being considerate when your spouse is busy working (and vice versa). Always say goodnight to each other, even if one of you will still be awake for a few more hours after the call.
FaceTime or Skype can be wonderful for some people, especially for your kids to see the spouse who is away. Resist the urge pressure your spouse if they don’t really want to video chat when they’re tired or have had a long day. Also, consider sending old-fashioned letters or postcards, either spontaneously or on a regular basis. They make great keepsakes and are fun to send and receive. I treasure the postcards my husband has sent me over the years!
2. Set reasonable expectations. Discuss with your partner what works and doesn’t work for you, at a time when you can have a good conversation together (whether in person or apart). As my friend Sarah shared, “When you’re in a LDR, you can’t be subtle when you’re upset or need something from your partner. You have to be direct, specific, and open because you don’t have the luxury of reading each other’s body language and tone. It has actually made us stronger and better communicators when we’re together too because we don’t beat around the bush.” I couldn’t say it better than that! She nailed it.
3. Find ways to feel emotionally close, even when physically separated. Since you don’t enjoy the usual couple downtime on weekends or in the mornings or evenings, discover the ways you can encourage closeness even when you’re apart. Watch the same movie or a football game together and text or talk to each other while you watch. My husband and I liked to share articles during the day and discuss them over email.
Get to know to know your spouse’s work schedule, environment, and their usual haunts when possible. If you’re traveling on the road, share photos of what your hotel room looks like, or film a video of your usual commute. That helps the other half imagine what you’re up to with more visual detail.
4. Focus on what’s most important. Trust your spouse. Believe the best, even on days when you are grumpy, disconnected, or just out of sorts. Don’t look to your spouse to provide all your needs, especially when you’re feeling on the edge from anxiety or other emotional challenges. Make sure to enjoy your life outside your romantic relationship. Cultivate other friendships and hobbies. And realize, that in most situations, your time apart does have an end date, and you will be back together soon.
This article first appeared at Patheos.
The post 4 Things That Will Strengthen Your Long-Distance Relationship appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.
June 22, 2017
4 Powerful Ways to Help Your Husband Feel Amazing
Ladies, do you know how to support your normal, visually-wired husband in this abnormal culture? It’s tough out there in the modern world for your man. Here are four actions that matter. Keep reading to learn more!
1. Show him you’re someone he can talk to about it. Regardless of where your man lands on the visual temptation spectrum, a calm conversation is the starting point. But many men are hesitant to talk, since they are convinced their wives will never understand – or, worse, will be hurt. So no matter what you’re hearing: be calm. If you don’t think he’s got a major issue, then just asking what life is like today, and showing him you want to hear what he shares, can be a great way to start. On the other hand, if you think there may be a significant issue requiring outside help, think and pray through the potential tracks of the conversation (what he might say, how you might respond) beforehand, so you can remain composed during the conversation.
2. Give him intimate visuals – of you! Whether he’s told you or not, your husband likes looking at you in all your glory. (As one man recently asked, essentially, “How can I convince my wife to let me see her body, instead of hiding behind a towel?”) After all, remember that this is when God designed your man’s visual nature to be activated! The whole problem is that his visual brain today is being stimulated in public by images he was never supposed to see. So give him those private memories that he is designed to see! Many men overcome temptation simply by calling to mind those memories of their wives. You may be surprised to find out how far being a flirt (and, ahem, being willing to have the lights on!) will go.
Tweet this: “If your husband has a bad habit, expect him to work hard to change it— and actively support him in doing so.“
Want to know how to be kind, when you’re really not feeling it? My research uncovered three daily actions that will transform your relationships – and you. Check out For Women Only, The Good News About Marriage).
Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, demonstrates that kindness is the answer to almost every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
This article first appeared at Patheos.
The post 4 Powerful Ways to Help Your Husband Feel Amazing appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.
June 21, 2017
Two Practical Ways to Encourage Your Sons
Many boys these days go through challenging times that are not of their making, and yet they affect how our sons view themselves. Every day, boys experience challenges at school that make them feel stupid, especially since our sit-still-and-listen school processes are not necessarily optimally designed for how boys’ brains learn! Perhaps even more toxic to how our sons view themselves is the fact that for some reason it has become acceptable to engage in casual male bashing. (“Yeah, I’ve got two kids – 3 if you count my husband.”) With every roll of the eyes or teasing comment about men boys hear and internalize that too.
Tweet this: “For some reason it has become acceptable to engage in casual male bashing. This is toxic to our husbands AND sons.“
As the mom of a son, all this drives me a little crazy and has caused me to do some additional research on how to boost the self-esteem of our boys and young men in a culture that often seems to be working against them.
I have identified at least two practical solutions that work very broadly, across many types of situations, although I should also note that since every boy – and every family – is different, you’ll need to adapt it to your individual circumstances.
1. Give them as many opportunities as possible to succeed.
All male humanoids need to feel that they are good at what they do. It is an integral part of what it means to be a man – or a boy. The problem is, that especially when you are a younger man or boy, opportunities for success are limited and opportunities to mess up are everywhere. With each mess up – the bad grade, the dropped pass, the choice that disappoints your parents – the boy thinks less and less of himself.
Tweet this: “Boys want to try new things without parents looking over their shoulders.“
2.When they do get something right, praise them consistently for their outcomes (and even when they don’t, praise their positive efforts).
Many of us don’t realize that praise is oxygen to a boy (or a man). Moms especially are more prone to say “I love you,” and give words of affection – but what a boy absolutely most needs to hear as he grows is “I am so proud of you,” “good job,” and “Thank you for loading up the dishwasher, that was so helpful!” How do you handle it if he didn’t do it right? Most important, as noted above, evaluate whether your correction is truly needed. Or more likely, needed right at this time. For some situations – correcting how your son is driving, for example – correction is truly needed immediately! But for many situations we can wait – and in fact it is important to wait.
When it comes time to share a correction, then we can simply say something like: “Hey Bobby, thanks so much for loading up the dishwasher everyday this week. You’ve done a great job. One thing I should show you, is that when we have had spaghetti or lasagna, you’ll get a much better result if you rinse those plates off first. Do you mind if I show you how next time you do the dishes?”
Some of you may roll your eyes at that, and think that you are tiptoeing too much around a boy’s ego. But remember the whole point of this: most of the time the ego isn’t the problem. The deep self-doubt is. All of those “you did a great job” comments are simply reassurances to make sure that he hears a suggestion simply as a suggestion rather than as a statement that “you failed.”
The Kindness Challenge, now available!
Helping people thrive in life and relationships is Shaunti Feldhahn’s driving passion, supported by her research projects and writing. After starting out with a Harvard graduate degree and experience on Wall Street, her life took an unexpected shift into relationship research. She now is a popular speaker around the world and the author of best-selling books about men, women, and relationships. (Including For Men Only, and the groundbreaking Shaunti Feldhahn.
