Shaunti Feldhahn's Blog, page 56

Every Work-From-Home Parent’s Hilarious Nightmare

So there you are, in your best suit, giving a Skype video presentation in your best professional manner – and thankful that the people on the other end can’t tell you are doing it all from a home office. After all, you have the impressive bookshelf behind you, and the map on the wall. It is all carefully designed to look like you are part of a substantial, well-oiled operation.

Suddenly, your small daughter wanders in, and starts dancing around by your chair, just having fun. You give a mortified smile to those on video, apologize, and try to move her out of the shot –just as your baby wheels himself in via his baby walker. And as that “this cannot be happening” thought flashes through your brain, your frantic spouse comes skidding and slipping into the room, grabs the kids, and hustles them out the door – reaching in one final time around the baby walker to firmly close the door.

You are left mentally flailing around, trying to somehow pick up the pieces and move forward with the sober professional presentation that just got blown to bits.

Oh, I have SO much sympathy for Professor Robert Kelly, whose recent live interview on BBC has gone viral for exactly that reason. Like the other tens of millions of people who have seen the clip, I could not stop laughing precisely because I can picture exactly how the poor guy felt. Every person who has ever worked from home in the modern world has always known, deep down inside, that such a moment was stalking them – and would catch up with them eventually.

A few years ago, I was deep into an explanation of marriage statistics with Joy Eggerichs on her popular video podcast when my friendly cat – who had somehow managed to get the door wide open without me realizing it – jumped up on my desk and sauntered in front of the webcam (see minutes 19 and 20). Just a couple of weeks ago, I was doing a live video interview about my newest book, The Kindness Challenge, when my other cat, irritated by the now wedged-closed door (I learned my lesson!) decided to hook his little paws under the door and try to rattle it hard enough to open it.

Shaunti (in her best professional voice): “So we identified seven different ways we are unkind and negative without ever realizing it –“

Door behind Shaunti: Rattle rattle rattle

Shaunti: “—Um, so, every one of us has a negativity pattern, and we need to identify it –“

Door behind Shaunti: Rattle! Rattle! Bang! Bang!

Shaunti: “—Um, sorry about that. So. Yes. So we have an online assessment you can take at jointhekindnesschallenge.com to help you identify –“

Door behind Shaunti: BANG!! BANG!!! BANG!!!

Interview host (trying not to laugh): “Maybe you should just let the cat in.”

Some of the things that happen when you work from home are mortifying – but I wouldn’t change it for the world. I know not everyone can work from home, and it doesn’t make sense for many people. But working from home allows me to spend much more time with my kids. It allows me to pick up my son from school and take him to get frozen yogurt if he’s had a hard day. It allows me to be home with my daughter when she is sick without having to get someone to cover my shift at an office. It allows me and my husband to sometimes go out for lunch just because.

I wouldn’t change it – but it sure comes with its own challenges in a day when professional credibility is hard-won and easy to lose!

Thankfully, the professionals on the other end of the video have all been there, in exactly the same way.

I’m sure that you have been there, too. And I’d love to hear your stories. When have you been hilariously interrupted as you’ve tried to maintain a professional demeanor? Share them with us – I’m doing a little informal research on how people who work to balance work and life in this way handle the balancing act when it all goes hilariously wrong.

Want to know how to be kind, when you really don’t want to be?  My research uncovered three daily actions that will transform your relationships – and you. Check out The Kindness Challenge, now available!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average, clueless people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

The post Every Work-From-Home Parent’s Hilarious Nightmare appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

6 Reasons Sarcasm Kills Relationships

There are two types of people in the world: those with the quick zinger and the envious wannabes. I’ve always wished I was more quick-witted at pulling out the perfect sarcastic remark when joking with my friends. But I don’t have the sarcasm gene! Even my attempts to trash talk during family game night are lame.

Recently, though, I’ve seen “the perfect zinger” in a completely different light. The results from the research for my newest book The Kindness Challenge showed that even good-natured sarcasm can take a heavy, secret toll. Not just for the recipient, but surprisingly also for the person making the jokes.

If you naturally tend toward sarcasm here are six reasons to keep the funny bone but cut back on the zingers:

People stop trusting you

Think about it: aren’t you wary of someone who is frequently sarcastic with you? That’s the way others view you. They figure if you so easily make fun of them (even if it’s “all in good fun”), you’re not someone with whom they can share important things that matter to them. Now, if the other person knows with 100% certainty that you care about them and the zingers are infrequent, then the jokes are just seen as jokes. But if either of those conditions are broken, people will doubt your care for them and keep themselves at a distance.
You’re training yourself to be cruel.

Of course you don’t think of it that way. But those quick-witted, sarcastic remarks that are so funny are mostly funny to you. The person you’re talking to may laugh and joke back, but they secretly sense a cutting truth behind the teasing. Or that the humor was trying to put them in their place. Neither feels good… and that’s a feeling you are imposing over and over again.
You won’t get an honest opinion.

If you’re known as someone who always makes funny, biting remarks, you are almost certainly ensuring that you won’t hear peoples’ true opinions or beliefs. People are smart. It is far safer to keep their thoughts to themselves than to risk a sarcastic, and potentially embarrassing, response.
Forget true closeness. 

Real closeness requires real vulnerability. And guess what’s the one thing your friends and family feel they can’t have with you? And it goes both ways: you are probably holding yourself back from closeness too. In families and friend groups where there’s a lot of love but also a lot of sarcasm we found that everyone, without realizing it, put up walls and rarely shared what they were really thinking. Because if you do share a vulnerable, honest, feeling out loud, everyone is waiting for the moment when you turn it into a joke.
Sarcasm tends to see the negative, not the positive

Sarcasm secretly feeds on itself. The more you notice those things worth the zinger in the people around you, the more negative things you find to insult rather than applaud. Sarcasm rarely or never seeks out the positive in people. Eventually, it will be difficult to find good in the person. Negativity breeds negativity.
Sarcasm sets the tone of the room

Sarcasm is contagious. The more you use sarcasm, the more it spreads to others. And it sets the “no vulnerability here!” tone for the room.

Now, just to be clear: you don’t need to lose your sense of humor. Just use “the gift of the zinger” sparingly. Never, ever be sarcastic about someone else behind their back (that’s a sure way to train yourself to be deliberately cruel). And purposefully look for the positives in a person, not the negatives. You’ll notice a difference in yourself (hello, more joy!), and you’ll notice a difference in the relationships around you.

Do you recognize that perhaps you’ve damaged a relationship with sarcasm?  Repair it with kindness. Do the 30-Day Kindness Challenge. During those thirty days, you say nothing negative to or about that person. You withhold all sarcasm, for example. And instead, each day you find something to sincerely praise and tell them, and tell someone else what you are grateful for in that person. You also do one small act of generosity for them.

You’ll be amazed at the results. Not only will it repair your relationship – it will change you.

Want to know how to be kind, when you really don’t want to be?  My research uncovered three daily actions that will transform your relationships – and you. Check out The Kindness Challenge, now available!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average, clueless people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

The post 6 Reasons Sarcasm Kills Relationships appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Avoid divorce with this simple recipe for a happy marriage

I love that social science now regularly disproves this long-held belief of our culture: that if you are very unhappy in your marriage, it’s better to be realistic and just move on.  Because there is very little chance that you will eventually be very happy together.  Especially since so few people are happy anyway, right?

Wrong. Wrong, wrong wrong!

When I wrote The Good News About Marriage, I knew it wouldn’t be a big commercial hit, but I felt absolutely compelled to get it out anyway, given what I’d found in the data.  Contrary to popular opinion, most marriages are happy (80% on average!). And of those who aren’t, 80% will be happy if they stay committed for five more years.

Why? Because most marriage problems aren’t caused by the big-ticket issues.  They are caused by small day-to-day ones. Like a husband not realizing that his wife needs his attention and presence far more than the money he’s working so hard to provide. Like a wife not knowing that she can say “I love you” over and over, but if she also tells her husband what to do over and over, he is missing the “love” and hearing “You’re an idiot” instead.

Each person cares about the other, and has no idea how much they are hurting their spouse.

Which means that once their eyes are opened, the fixes are pretty simple. Their way of relating changes very rapidly. He starts learning to listen more.  She starts learning to say “thank you.” Small, simple changes — which have a huge impact.  It doesn’t fix everything, but suddenly they just like being married more!  Suddenly, a happy marriage seems very possible.

Puts a completely different spin on things, doesn’t it?

An amazing study (and article) by British researcher Harry Benson has fired the latest bullet into the marriage-discouragement monster.  Among new moms and dads, his study found that the new baby did not cause serious marriage problems for most.  But among the 5% who did experience big problems, the researchers surveyed them again when their child was 10 or 11.  And discovered that if they had stayed married (which most did), 70% were happy in their marriages!

TWEET THIS: New study shows that in unhappy couples who stay married, 70% were happy in their marriages years later!

Mr. Benson also captured a crucial point that will make a big difference for new families: once the baby comes and the mom is often so overwhelmed with taking care of the newborn, the dad needs to put extra attention into taking care of mom.  Not just providing for his growing family, but truly looking at his wife and figuring out what he can do each day to emotionally care for and connect with her.

Now that sounds like a simple recipe for a happy marriage.

Want to know how to be kind, when you really don’t want to be?  My research uncovered three daily actions that will transform your relationships – and you. Check out The Kindness Challenge, now available!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average, clueless people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

The post Avoid divorce with this simple recipe for a happy marriage appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Why You Need to Start the 30-Day Kindness Challenge TODAY!

Today (January 16, 2017) marks a big day: the launch of the 30-Day Kindness Challenge nationwide!

Although you can start it at any time – and will see a marked improvement in your relationships if you do – we encourage people to start TODAY if you can!

Why?

Thirty days from today is Valentine’s Day. And the 30-Day Kindness Challenge allows you to give the best Valentine’s Day present you’ve ever given: A month-long journal of praise.

As you do the 30-Day Kindness Challenge (see below), you’ll be finding things to verbally affirm or praise about a particular person you care about (a spouse, romantic partner, child…). Well, in addition, secretly buy a gift journal. Record in it those words of affirmation each day. Track what happens as you do the Challenge, and the ways you begin to appreciate that person more and more. (Based on our years of research, that is what will happen!)

Then at the end of the 30 days, wrap up that gift journal and give it as a very special Valentine’s Day present.

Not only will you have the experience of watching your relationship with your spouse (or child, or sibling…) blossom and grow, you’ll have the experience of watching their face as they open a present they will keep for a lifetime. A written record of day after day after day of you contemplating the wonderful things you appreciate, love and value about them.

Sign up for the 30-Day Kindness Challenge TODAY. It will be life-changing. Not just for your person – but for you!

(What is the Challenge? First, say nothing negative about your person – either to them or about them to someone else! Second, find one thing to praise each day and tell them and tell someone else. Third, do a small action of generosity for them. See www.jointhekindnesschallenge.com for more!)

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Want to know how to be kind, when you really don’t want to be? My research uncovered three daily actions that will transform your relationships – and you. Order The Kindness Challenge and start the 30-Day Kindness Challenge today!”

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average, clueless people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

The post Why You Need to Start the 30-Day Kindness Challenge TODAY! appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Three Simple Steps to More Joy in Your Life and Relationships

Does your mother-in-law make you want to pull your hair out by criticizing every move you make? Maybe your wife doesn’t appreciate all the things you do for your family, or it’s your husband who takes you for granted and always seems angry.

Perhaps you dread going to work every day because your boss talks down to you and you’ve had enough.

Or maybe it isn’t a bad relationship, but a good one … and you want it to be great.

What if you had the power to transform that relationship into one that is positive and brings joy into your life?

I’ve got great news …You do have the power. In fact, you have a superpower and it’s called kindness. Let me explain.

I’m a social researcher; and after years of study on what we call the 30-Day Kindness Challenge, we found three actions anyone can do to transform any relationship.  Because targeted kindness is a potent weapon and will soften any heart.

Including our own!

Here’s what you do.  Pick that someone with whom you want a better relationship.  For 30 days, you will:

Say nothing negative about your person—either to them or about them to someone else. If you must provide negative feedback (for example, to discipline a child or correct a subordinate’s mistake), be constructive and encouraging without a negative tone.


Every day, find one thing that you can sincerely praise or affirm about your person and tell them, and tell someone else.


Every day, do one small act of kindness or generosity for them.

That’s it!  So simple.  And yet in our research for The Kindness Challenge, 89% of relationships improved!

What does this look like in practice?  Well, suppose you and your teenage daughter have been pushing each other’s buttons for weeks. Every conversation with her is like a minefield, not knowing what will set her off.

During the 30-Day Kindness Challenge, you resist the urge to ask “Why did you wait until the last minute to do your homework??” (No sighing in exasperation, either!) And you completely stop yourself from venting about it with your husband or your friends at work. (This is just for thirty days, remember!)  Instead, you look for things to praise. So you notice that it was really nice of her to take her little brother to get ice cream. You thank her for it – and then you tell your friends at work about the nice thing she did.

You’re also looking for that little act of generosity to do each day. So when you know she wants to meet her friends at the coffee shop after dinner but it’s her turn to clean the kitchen, you sincerely say, “I’ve got this. You go ahead and go. Have a great time.”

Trust me: Starting this process will show us a whole lot about what needs to change.  Not just in the other person: but in us. You will see just how negative you have been, in ways you never realized before.  (In The Kindness Challenge I outline the seven distinct types of negativity we found in the research, ranging from exasperation to overt criticism to suspicion.  I strongly recommend you find out your negativity patterns, so you can watch for them!)

But as you go, you will also see something amazing: you will see your feelings changing. Not only will you experience more joy and feel better about yourself, you’ll also start appreciating the other person more. You’ll see their defenses lowering. And you may see enjoyment and positivity in the relationship you haven’t seen in years.  An effort toward kindness won’t solve every problem – especially the big ones like addiction – but it will make them easier to solve.

I hope you will sign up for the 30-Day Kindness Challenge!  Get a group of friends to do it together.  Be a part of a movement of kindness in our culture – and in yourself!

Want to know how to be kind, when you really don’t want to be?  My research uncovered three daily actions that will transform your relationships – and you. Pre-order The Kindness Challenge, for delivery December 20!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average, clueless people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

The post Three Simple Steps to More Joy in Your Life and Relationships appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Join Me Tonight for a Major Announcement on Facebook Live

MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT TONIGHT AT 8 pm ET VIA FACEBOOK LIVE!

You know those days when you are so excited about something, you’ve just gotta tell somebody? That is how I feel about what is going on with the new book launch and the 30-day Kindness Challenge initiative that goes with it!

First things first: Although no-one knows it yet, The Kindness Challenge, my new book, went on sale this morning!!! Picture me doing a quiet little happy dance over here.

Why aren’t we doing the full-court press for publicity yet? Well, the technical book publication date is December 20, but we have been holding back the tide to ask almost every radio outlet, print publication, and other media group to launch their publicity about it in January.

(That said, even though it isn’t time for the “real” book launch, I would LOVE advance buzz from YOU all, who know me! So I would love you to buy it, or give as a Christmas present to a friend.)

There is one major radio program today (Janet Parshall’s), but everyone else is holding off until January 9, after the holidays, with a week until the 30-Day Kindness Challenge starts on January 16.

And it is because of what is going on with the 30-Day Kindness Challenge that I’m going to do my FIRST EVER Facebook Live at 8 pm tonight!  It will be just a few minutes, but I will share some crucial information  about the incredible things that are happening. And what God appears to have been doing behind the scenes to set up a MAJOR movement of kindness in January.

I’ll be doing the Facebook Live from my parents’ cabin in the rural mountains of Virginia, and I know all of us have a lot of Christmas shopping still to do, so I’ll keep it short! I would love you to join us, but if you can’t, be sure to come to my Facebook page and check out the video of it afterward.

Because not only is it interesting to hear what God is doing … there may be some things you realized YOU are called to be doing, to be a part of it! And we would love for you to be a part of this movement.

We’ll talk to you tonight!

REMEMBER:  Come to my Facebook page at 8pm ET tonight to listen to the news live! 

The post Join Me Tonight for a Major Announcement on Facebook Live appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

4 Ways to Keep your Temper When You Want to Blow

While doing some research for my next book, I realized something important: when we are angry, most of us handle it wrong! Here are four ways to keep ourselves from (forgive the Marvel reference) turning into a big green rage monster when we otherwise really want to!

1. In advance, realize: “venting” only makes things worse! Most of us have bought into the idea that letting a little steam out of the kettle now prevents it from exploding later, right? And taking a few minutes to vent to or about your spouse, child or boss just feels quite satisfying when we have steam pouring out of our ears. The problem is, it turns out, it hurts instead of helping.

Neuroscientists such as Dr. Brad Bushman at Ohio State have discovered that actually expressing the anger we feel further activates an interconnected anger system in the brain and makes the kettle boil that much more. So while we can certainly express anger any time we want to, the question is whether we should if we want to keep her temper in check and preserve a relationship, a job, or our sanity.

2. Instead of “letting off steam,” remove yourself from the heat. If we’re boiling and don’t want to be, the researchers suggest the equivalent of putting the lid on tight and removing the pot from the heat. When we decide to be calm (see below), it is the equivalent of smothering the anger and denying it oxygen to burn. And when we remove or distract ourselves from whatever is making us furious, we find our anger cooling off until, in many cases, we’re simply not angry anymore.

So when your co-worker expresses frustration that the boss made everyone work late last night, instead of chiming in with the “Yeah, and guess what else?!” additional grievances, calmly say “Yep, that was frustrating. So about these quarterly numbers…” And if the other person persists, excuse yourself, go back to your cube, and force yourself to think something more healthy. Like what else you were working on. Or that dream Caribbean vacation.

(One hint for husbands or boyfriends, though: given what we discovered in our research about how women are wired, if you have to remove yourself from an emotional conflict, be sure to reassure your wife or girlfriend that you two are okay and you’ll be able to talk about it later. That gives her the reassurance of your love that she needs to give you space without simmering and venting, herself.)

3. Before you speak, pause. So how do you manage to respond “calmly” to your coworker (or spouse, or in laws…) when you’re just as mad as he or she is? Here’s the answer: force yourself to pause for a few seconds before you reply. Seriously. That allows your will to catch up with your roiling emotions, so you can decide to handle your words well. (If I reply to this now, it’s only going to make it worse. Best to ask if we can continue this conversation at 1:30.) More important, if you’re a person of faith, it also gives God a chance to touch your heart and steer your reply before you forge ahead with guns blazing, and cause casualties you’ll regret later.

So when you’re worried about your son’s progress in school and seven shades of upset that your husband didn’t agree to hire a tutor to help him, force yourself to pause and get your thoughts together before you speak. “Think before you speak” is one of the earliest lessons we teach our kids, and yet sometimes we forget it as adults. We need to relearn that skill, especially when it comes to those relationships that are most important to us.

4. Apologize. Since we will not always do it right, despite all those strategies, we also need to practice apologies each and every time they are needed. “I’m sorry, honey. I know you care about Billy, and I shouldn’t have ever implied that you didn’t. Will you forgive me?” You don’t need to necessarily agree (“Maybe this weekend, we could talk more specifically about why I think a tutor is so important, and how we can get the money to pay for it”) but you do need to apologize.

This is in part because our research with the happiest relationships found that we need to keep short accounts, be willing to make up, and always ask for forgiveness when we have wronged someone else – regardless of whether they have wronged us too. But also because if we know we’re going to have to apologize if we let our temper run away with us, we’ll be far less likely to do it next time!

Tell yourself venting will make it worse. Remove yourself from the frustrating situation or focus on something else. Pause to let your ability to make a good choice catch up with you. And apologize if you don’t. Try those simple, simple actions for just a few weeks and you’ll find yourself handling difficult feelings so well, you won’t even remember the big green rage monster any more.

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Want to know how to be kind, when you really don’t want to be? My research uncovered three daily actions that will transform your relationships – and you. Pre-order The Kindness Challenge, for delivery December 20!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average, clueless people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

The post 4 Ways to Keep your Temper When You Want to Blow appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Proof that Church Attendance Matters

I don’t have a lot of pet peeves. But one of the few is when people quote the old urban legend, “Well, you know, the rate of divorce is the same in the church.” Which is one I debunked in my 2014 book, The Good News About Marriage.

Really, any urban legend gets under my skin, but this one infuriates me because it is the exact opposite of the truth. As a social scientist who also is a follower of Jesus, I can say both professionally and personally that life, health, and freedom is found in Christ.

If someone evaluates all sides of a religious faith and rejects it, that’s their decision. But it is pretty sobering to wonder how many people make decisions with eternal implications, based on disastrously wrong information!  Like the “fake news” that church attendance makes no difference to your life.

That false notion makes many people assume these things:

Since church attendance doesn’t matter, God doesn’t matter.
Christians are a bunch of hypocrites since they say one thing but live just like anyone else. Or in the — slightly censored — phrasing of a friend of mine today: “OK, so Christianity is tons of fun. You go back to God and people start ticking you off left and right.”
Since following God doesn’t change a life, there is no God – or He is impotent or uninvolved.

All untrue. Sure, individual church attenders sometimes fall down on the job because all people fall down on the job. Every human being is imperfect. But the reality is that church attendance not only matters –it matters a lot. Both in changing lives and hearts, and changing ultra-practical life outcomes.

As of 2014, pretty much every credible secular researcher recognized that truth – even if, ironically, the average church attender heard the urban legends so many times that they believed the opposite. In The Good News About Marriage, I summarized many of the indisputable research studies. And since 2014, many others have continued to find the same thing.  For example, a brand-new Harvard study and others find that regular church attendance lowers the risk of divorce by 47%, the risk of depression by 29% and even the risk of dying by 34%!

Now that is worth mentioning to your friends when they wonder why you go to church. That good news is worth shouting from the roof tops. Or at least posting to all those people who believe the fake news.

Want to know how to be kind, when you really don’t want to be?  My research uncovered three daily actions that will transform your relationships – and you. Pre-order The Kindness Challenge, for delivery December 20!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average, clueless people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country.  Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

The post Proof that Church Attendance Matters appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

3 Ways to Rebuild Family Bridges Over the Holidays

You know those college-football bumper magnets that say “A house divided?” Perhaps she supports University of Michigan, he’s a rabid Michigan State guy. Maybe it’s Alabama vs. Auburn.  Or USC – UCLA. Regardless, the couple has to learn to get along during football season.

I feel like our entire country needs a bumper magnet. A house divided. Republican vs. Democrat. Trump vs. Clinton.  And within households and extended families, many have not been getting along. So what do you do over the holidays?

Very soon you will come face to face with that infuriating cousin who shared bogus news stories about your candidate. You’ll walk into the house of the mother-in-law who recently said on the family chat, “What idiots believe this stuff?” – knowing full well that you believe “that stuff.” You will wonder what to say to that friend who said those hurtful things when he discovered your vote.

How do you rebuild those broken relationships, and actually like those people again?  I’ve been studying this for two years, for my new book The Kindness Challenge. Here are three ways:

Decide ahead of time to be the adult in the room.  In this election year, we’ve seen a lot of words and actions that used to be considered childish and self-indulgent.  And something at your family gatherings might similarly push all your buttons.  But when toddlers have a tantrum, someone in the room has to have generous self-control.  When people are angry or cruel, someone has to have grace and kindness.  Decide ahead of time that that person will be you.  Resolve to never say impulsive, mean things just because someone else does.  Practice in advance the words you will say to defuse tension instead of build it.  Decide ahead of time you will be the one who makes everyone else want to be better versions of themselves.
Remember that relationships are more important than being right. All your brilliant arguments haven’t yet changed your cousin’s political opinion.  It’s unlikely that a few words over cranberry sauce will make him slap his forehead and cry, “By Jove, you’ve been right all along!”  So when your blood begins to boil, think about what this cousin means to you.  Think about the time he took you to the hospital when you broke your ankle.  Remember how he always helped you study for tests in high school.  Is proving your point worth losing the relationship?  Usually not.   Instead, raise a glass to your cousin – and everyone else – and say, “All these issues are crazy, aren’t they?  I’m so glad that in this family, we love each other regardless.”
Always fight unkindness with kindness.  Most important, in every circumstance, in all things, be kind.  There’s actually a biblical command about that. Or twelve. As far as it depends on you, live at peace with all men.  Do to others as you would have them do to you.   Tame the tongue.  Do not repay insult with insult, but repay insult with blessing.  You cannot fight harsh words with other harsh words. The only thing strong enough to fight cruelty is kindness. We think of kindness as being a bit vague and wishy-washy. But in my empirical research for the book, I was astonished to discover its immense power to change lives and relationships.  Before, during and after your holiday gatherings, practice being kind.  Especially when you don’t want to be.

Two thousand years ago, in another time of upheaval, the Apostle Paul wrote:  “A servant of the Lord must not quarrel but must be kind to everyone…and be patient with difficult people.”  That is the prescription for rebuilding broken bridges.  Perhaps we should put that on our national bumper magnets.

Want to know how to be kind, when you really don’t want to be?  My research uncovered three daily actions that will transform your relationships – and you. Pre-order The Kindness Challenge, for delivery December 20!

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

The post 3 Ways to Rebuild Family Bridges Over the Holidays appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Why the “Married Sex” Video Makes Me Furious

Recently, someone asked what I think about the “Married Sex During the Week” video posted on Facebook and chortled about on social media. Have you seen it? Some women think it’s hysterical.

I haven’t found a single man who does.

And this vast difference points just how clueless we women can be about something that has a huge emotional impact on our husbands.

In the video, we watch as a man’s hand reaches out and rubs his wife’s shoulder as they lie in bed each night.  And each night (“Monday”… “Tuesday” …) she turns and reacts with various degrees of annoyance.  “Seriously?”  she says, raising her eyebrows.  “Seriously?”   “I’m tired… had a long day… on my period…”  The list of reasons goes on.  One night after her usual rejection, she peers back over her shoulder and in a tone dripping with derision asks, “Are you pouting?!”

Finally, one night she rolls her eyes, and says fine, you have five minutes, get it over with.

Ha, ha.

Why is watching this video so painful for anyone with the least bit of empathy, or understanding of how men think?

Because sex for a man is not primarily a physical need, but a very deep emotional one.  

In our surveys of thousands of men for For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men and other books, we found that our men look big and fearless and confident, but have much self-doubt and vulnerability inside. They want to be strong, loving and sensitive for their wives and children, but secretly doubt that they know what they are doing. They long to protect and provide for their families, but secretly worry that they are inadequate. And by far the most powerful affirmation that a wife can give to her husband, the affirmation that goes to the core of who he is and says “you are the man I need,” is showing that she desires him.

When he reaches for her, and she melts into his arms, it is, as one man put it, “A salve that goes very, very deep into the heart of a man.”

Now picture that man watching that video — or watching that in real life.  Instead of enthusiasm (or at least willingness) he sees… derision. Seriously? Are you pouting? You big baby.

Picture his secretly soft heart being shredded by the person who is supposed to care for him the most.

Yeah, I get that it is only a joke. Only a satire. I can hear you now, telling me, “No one is really like that, lighten up.”

Actually, you’re wrong. All too many people are like that. I hear from them every week in my interviews; every time I conduct a survey; every time I speak at a marriage event, or a women’s conference. I talk to those women.  And their husbands.

And I’ve come to believe that if we women could just grasp the emotional importance for men of feeling desired – which is a bit like the emotional importance for a woman of her husband really wanting to listen and have close, intimate conversation with her – we would never look at sex the same way again.

Now, we may in fact be tired. We may not be able to respond that night. I’m not saying we should necessarily put aside our needs to meet his. That’s not the point. We have hard days and may find ourselves emotionally vulnerable too. We need our men to understand us, as well.

But if we care about this man to whom we are wed, what matters to him so deeply should matter to us.

**

NOTE: If you want to see the YouTube video, you can search for it. However, honestly… I’d suggest that you do not watch it. I initially considered posting it for context, but on further reflection, I felt like it was better to not share it at all, because the the side bar of other similar/suggested videos has some very objectionable, sexual content.

Wish Shaunti could speak at an event in your area? You can help! Forward this piece or others to a leader at your organization or church, with a note of recommendation. They can reach Shaunti at NDuncan@shaunti.com.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

The post Why the “Married Sex” Video Makes Me Furious appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.