Shaunti Feldhahn's Blog, page 60
March 16, 2016
A sincere plea from someone who doesn’t want to see Kardashian’s nude selfie but isn’t a “slut shamer”
Unless you’ve been under a rock, you’ve heard about Kim Kardashian’s nude selfie. Yes, that’s the kind of culture we live in now: the kind in which you know that Kim Kardashian apparently had “nothing to wear.” The kind in which, as Bette Midler pointed out, the only way Kardashian could show us anything we hadn’t seen would be for her to “swallow the camera.” The kind in which dismay about this trend gets a person vilely attacked on social media as a “slut shamer.”
So what’s the problem with this picture? (Yes, pun intended.) Of course I’m five degrees of furious that my 13-year-old son can’t turn on television without having that image tempt his visually-wired brain without his consent, as news channels broadcast the latest example of Kardashian excess. And I’m intensely worried about the inevitable, silent comparisons my 15-year-old daughter and her friends will make between the perfectly toned (and let’s be honest, photoshopped) body in the selfie and their own perfectly normal, healthy adolescent figures.
But all that isn’t my main problem: my main problem is that concerned citizens can’t even say this is a problem without people calling us slut-shamers. Without people telling us (paraphrasing an actual comment about my book Through A Man’s Eyes on this topic), “Go to that really hot place for eternity with all those other bigoted, idiotic people like you who need to go have sex with themselves.”
Hm.
Raise your hand if you think we should be having a conversation about two different types of decency here.
If some women are perfectly fine with taking nude selfies, and speaking out against it becomes a societal no-no, where is the line? When does pushing the envelope become too much? And how will there ever be a “too much” if we don’t fight the censors who say that politely asking for a return of old fashioned modesty is slut-shaming?
Yes, millions of Americans eagerly await anything Kim Kardashian wants to show off. It’s a free country, so she should be able to post whatever she wants, and others should be free to view it. But precisely because it is a free country I should also be able to tell Ms. Kardashian I wish she would stop, for the sake of boys like my son and girls like my daughter. Because it is a free country I should be able to tell Instagram they need to tighten their nudity policies so we don’t broadcast pornography so openly. Because it is a free country I should be able to encourage viewers to stop putting pornography into their brains and desensitizing themselves to something that both objectifies women and harms the men who most want to honor women.
To those women who get indignant at me, I ask: instead of trying to silence my message, look at it more closely. You may still disagree, but you’ll realize the intention is respectful, not the opposite.
To those people who agree with me, I ask: speak up. Say your piece. Don’t stoop to the level of the haters, but continue to take your place in the public square. Don’t cede the ground to those who try to silence you. Because just imagine: if you let them push you out of the square the only thing left will be Kim Kardashian’s nude figure standing as a testimony to free speech.
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Wish Shaunti could speak at an event in your area? You can help! Forward this piece or others to a leader at your organization or church, with a note of recommendation. They can reach Shaunti atNDuncan@shaunti.com.
Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
This article first appeared at Patheos.
The post A sincere plea from someone who doesn’t want to see Kardashian’s nude selfie but isn’t a “slut shamer” appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.
March 15, 2016
3 Lies You Can’t Let Your Son Believe About Himself
As both a social researcher who has interviewed and surveyed thousands of boys and a mom of a son, I’ve seen three common – and very harmful –things boys tend to believe about themselves. Mom and Dad, keep an eye out, so you can knock down this nonsense whenever it rears its ugly head!
1. “I’m stupid.”
They may not say it out loud, but this thought is very common among boys. There’s a sneaky reason that boys are far more likely than girls to drop out of high school and avoid college today: without ever intending to, our educational system disproportionately discourages boys.
Boys are much less likely to thrive in today’s “sit still and listen” school environment, in part because boy brains often need movement to learn. So when wiggly little boys are required by well-intentioned (and mostly female) teachers to sit still, their brains often have a bit more difficulty grasping and retaining information. Not surprisingly, since they miss things, they then often begin to feel stupid. And a boy who feels stupid is less likely to continue to try, year after year. He’s far more likely to let go of the academics that cause that painful feeling, and embrace areas he feels competent or special (sports, video games, being the class clown…).
Yet that process can be stopped and reversed at any point by a determined parent. When I was doing the For Parents Only research and talking to hundreds of teenage boys, I heard story after story of boys whose parents confronted that toxic “I’m stupid” belief early and often. When parents emphasized ways they knew their sons were smart, the boys began to believe those things for themselves. (Dr. Kathy Koch’s new book 8 Great Smarts equips parents with ways to do that.)
2. “I can’t do anything right”.
You may think this isn’t as big of a deal as a boy thinking he’s stupid. In fact, the two thoughts infect and reinforce each other, and we have to confront both in order to shoot down either.
One thing many women don’t see is a hidden worry that burdens many most men: guys desperately want to be competent at what they do, but they also doubt themselves. The heart cry of a guy– whether he is fifteen or fifty—is “Do I measure up?” And your son (like your husband or boyfriend) is looking to the people around him for clues to the answer to that question.
When you applaud the positive, say “I’m proud of you,” and focus on what he’s done well (for example, the good grade after he studied hard) it soothes his real and painful worry that he is inadequate. But when you make your disappointment clear (perhaps you sigh in exasperation at a bad grade, or immediately jump to what was wrong about how he washed the dishes rather than praising what was done right), it confirms the painful notion that he doesn’t measure up. And as the “I’m stupid” example above shows, a boy who regularly feels that way will often simply stop trying. Because it is far less painful to not try, than to try and feel like a failure. As one boy described that inner thought, “If I don’t expect too much, I won’t be disappointed.”
Sure, you have to be able to address things that need improvement, but always find things to praise first and foremost. “Thanks so much for washing the dishes. That is such a help. Sometime, I need to show you how certain dishes need to be soaked first, to get everything off.”
3. “People are always watching and critiquing me”.
It is human nature to think people are thinking and talking about us, when they probably aren’t nearly as focused on us as we think they are. Yet because guys are so attuned to how they do, they are also highly attuned to what people think of how they do. Many of the boys in my research told me they felt like they were under a microscope of judgment all the time – which led them to be even more hair-trigger sensitive about how they were doing.
Parents can do a great service for any child, but especially a boy, by helping them put things in perspective: the average person is probably far more attuned to their own life than to yours. You can try things –new activities, different outfits – without worrying so much.
By teaching them this, your sons learn the incredibly important skill of perseverance; to be okay with learning through failure rather than running from failure. And then hopefully they’ll experience the rewards – and the confidence – that come from that perseverance.
Many boys do not need this sort of help from a parent, but most do. By confronting toxic thoughts you’ll be setting them up for a very real and very important confidence for their future.
Wish Shaunti could speak at an event in your area? You can help! Forward this piece or others to a leader at your organization or church, with a note of recommendation. They can reach Shaunti at NDuncan@shaunti.com.
Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
This article first appeared at Patheos.
The post 3 Lies You Can’t Let Your Son Believe About Himself appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.
March 7, 2016
In Honor of My Mother-in-Law (1926 – 2016): Three Reasons They Had 65 Wonderful Years of Marriage
My sweet mother-in-law went to be with Jesus last night. We are grieving, but we are also so grateful for how Roberta Feldhahn graced this earth for 90 years. We are also praying for Jeff’s sweet dad, who is so missing his bride of 65 years.
In honor of Jeff’s mom and dad, and in their own words, here are three key reasons for their long and joyful marriage. These are drawn from an interview I did with them a few years ago, and all of us can learn some great lessons here:
Reason #3: Share it all.
Jeff’s dad told me, “You have to share your thoughts, share the chores, share your food. The guys in the shop would have been all over me if they would have known that I came home and helped out. But you’ve got to do it. Not expect it from the other person but do it for the other person. Whatever needs to be done.”
Jeff came up with this great analogy as he listened to his dad: “It’s like you’re using zone defense instead of man-to-man. In man-to-man you have your guy and your role and you stick with it and you don’t do anything else. If something comes across your path, but it’s not ‘yours’, you don’t do it. But in zone defense, whatever comes into your zone, you pick it up.”
Reason #2: Short accounts.
Jeff’s mom advised the importance of simply keeping short accounts of anything that bugs you; advice she (and the rest of us) found pretty humorous since she’d been dealing with pretty significant short-term memory loss for the last few years.
Jeff’s Mom: “Let things go. Forget about them.”
Jeff’s Dad: “Yep. That’s easier for us, since you forget everything anyway.”
Jeff’s Mom: “Oh, Bill!”
Me: “Dad!! What a thing to say.”
Jeff’s Dad: “It’s okay; she’ll forget it in a few minutes. It’s like having a get-out-of-jail free card. Whenever I mess up, I get a do-over! Which we should all give, I think.”
Reason #1: Serve and Commit – No Matter What
“You’re married. You promised. For better or worse. No matter what.” Jeff’s dad said. “And that’s all there is to it.”
And that is the truth he has lived out for all the years I have known him. As Jeff’s mom dealt with more and more health issues, he stepped up and cared for her. Even when her memory would fail her and she would sometimes get cranky, he would be loving toward her. For years, I have watched him serve her; doing more and more (and eventually all) of the household tasks. He cooked for her. Cleaned the house. Did all the laundry, lawn care and maintenance.
He eventually did ever more intimate caregiving for her, exhausting himself to avoid someone else having to come in and do those things for his wife. When his kidneys began to fail, he went to dialysis twice a week, even though it took such a toll on his body at his age, because he wanted to be healthy for her.
I look at my father-in-law, and I don’t just see a good man, a World War II veteran, a twinkly-eyed man of great humor: I see a shining example of what a loving father and husband should be. Just as with my own mom and dad (who just celebrated 50 years), I see a hero.
And in a beautiful 65-year marriage, I see hope. Just an average man and woman who loved each other and made a commitment. And in that commitment, average became amazing.
Wish Shaunti could speak at an event in your area? You can help! Forward this piece or others to a leader at your organization or church, with a note of recommendation. They can reach Shaunti at NDuncan@shaunti.com.
Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
This article first appeared at Patheos.
The post In Honor of My Mother-in-Law (1926 – 2016): Three Reasons They Had 65 Wonderful Years of Marriage appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.
February 25, 2016
Why not take the test drive? – Part 2 (More on cohabitation, getting engaged, and getting committed)
Last week, I posted an article, “Why not take the test drive? The case against cohabitation,” on the unseen dangers of cohabitation before marriage. (As a recap: research shows that couples who live together without being engaged have a greater chance of divorce if they do get married; cohabitation increases the chances of ignoring red flags and “sliding” into marriage as a default instead of starting from a firm commitment.)
Wow, did I get a lot of – um –“feedback” after that one! So let me tackle the most common questions.
“Who do you think you are, to tell me what do to?”
Actually, I would never tell you what to do. What I am doing is trying to make sure that everyone has full information, to make an informed decision. Based on the research (several studies) and my faith beliefs (the Bible is pretty clear), there appears to be a very clear answer for what choice is most likely to lead people to thrive in their life and their relationship. Usually people who live together are looking for fulfillment and happiness – and I get that! But it also points out the main reason I spend so much time, effort and money on research: often, what we think will bring happiness ends up bringing the opposite. It makes me troubled (sad, really) that both history and research clearly show that living together before marriage, perhaps in multiple relationships, often results in less fulfillment, less happiness, more broken hearts in the end. I know you may not believe it, but I share these things not because I have any superior standing – I know that I don’t – but because I care about you and others like you.
I want people to have the best chance to thrive.
I know you may still make a different choice. I won’t judge you, just as I hope you won’t judge me for sharing the research. If that’s the direction you choose, we’re simply agreeing to disagree.
“So are we in trouble now?!”
As a reassurance to all those couples who told me that they lived together, got married, and are now worried sick about their “chances:” Don’t worry! You’re married now, and if you care enough about your marriage to ask that question, you’re going to do just fine. As I told one nervous woman last week, “You’ve been married 16 years, you have three kids, you have a great marriage: it’s not like your previous decisions have somehow ‘jinxed’ you!” It is a higher risk (usually in the first few years) not a death sentence. We should use this information primarily as a caution to those on the front end of marriage, never to add tension to those already there.
If you’re still concerned, here’s the solution: make the firm commitment to stick with your marriage no matter what, and you automatically counter most of the reasons for the higher risk.
“But what about the couples who are engaged and living together?”
I heard from several people who told me something similar to this woman:
Dear Shaunti,
Thank you for the article. My husband and I teach marriage prep classes, and I wondered if any of the studies look at the possible effects of cohabiting on couples already engaged? Almost everyone who comes for marriage prep is already living together.
So for everyone with a similar question, here’s an expanded version of how I answered:
First, let me thank you for what you are doing! The studies have found that the greater risk of divorcing later does go away if the couple is engaged before living together. Presumably because they made the commitment to marry first, and didn’t slide into the relationship as the easiest thing to do. Thus, engagement was a decision not a default next step. (If you want more data, you can find a lot of good information on Scott Stanley’s blog and the Institute for Family Studies site.)
But here’s my encouragement to you and your husband: I hope you applaud these live-in couples for seeking out your pre-marital counseling! Although you disagree with their choice to cohabitate, they need leaders to say “well done” for taking marriage seriously, for being purposeful and not simply “sliding” into marriage as a default.
The fact that they are getting premarital counseling is fantastic.
But it is not enough.
This is when it gets serious. This is the point when they have to be willing to recognize and take the appropriate action if they realize, during the marriage prep or the premarital counseling, that there are some red flags. This is when they have to be willing to recognize that maybe this isn’t the right person, or the right time.
I studied a tremendous pre-marital program last year that hundreds of couples have gone through, a program that is almost twenty years old – and which has a zero-divorce track record for first marriages. Their secret? They are constructive and encouraging – but they tackle every conceivable reason why that couple shouldn’t get married to each other right now. So some couples realize: we shouldn’t be doing this. We should move on. And among those who do decide to move forward, they know the commitment they are making. They are truly honoring marriage!
Wish Shaunti could speak at an event in your area? You can help! Forward this piece or others to a leader at your organization or church, with a note of recommendation. They can reach Shaunti at NDuncan@shaunti.com.
Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
This article first appeared at Patheos.
The post Why not take the test drive? – Part 2 (More on cohabitation, getting engaged, and getting committed) appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.
February 15, 2016
Why not take the test drive? The case against cohabitation
Dear Shaunti,
I’m a pastor who works with young couples. As you know, most people live together before they get married and I can’t figure out how to talk to them about it. I know from scripture that it’s a bad idea, but couples always ask “But why?” To them, it just seems logical to try out a live-in relationship before committing to it for life. The classic argument is, “If you wouldn’t buy a car without test-driving it, why on earth would you not test-drive a marriage – which is far more important?” I know from experience with counseling many couples that it is a bad idea, but I need more than just my experience. I’m a bit of a policy wonk, but I simply don’t have time to sift through the information out there to figure out what’s real and helpful. Is there any solid research on this?
Anonymous Pastor
Dear Anonymous Pastor,
From one policy wonk to another, I’m delighted you asked. Since the reality really does contradict the popular assumption – and it affects so many people! Twenty years ago, cohabitation was already high and now is the norm for the vast majority; today, 74% of “first unions” are those who live together before (or instead of) getting married.
I dug into this topic in some detail when I was writing my 2014 book The Good News About Marriage. (Since, like many people I had the misperception that the rise in cohabitation was the reason divorce rates were falling. As an aside, it turns out that divorce rates are falling mostly because people are getting married at older and more stable ages!) I discovered that the best research on this has been done by a professor at the University of Denver, Dr. Scott Stanley, who has accumulated years of compelling, rigorous findings on this topic. He and Dr. Brad Wilcox at the University of Virginia also set up the Institute for Family Studies which houses a lot of family-related research. (You might be interested in one feature article that deals with the big picture on this topic, “Life Before Marriage: Does What Happens in Vegas Stay in Vegas?”)
The bottom line that Dr. Stanley found in a major 2006 study is that if a couple cohabits without being engaged (an important caveat), they have a higher chance of getting divorced if they do get married. Scott authors a blog called “Sliding versus deciding” and the name basically captures the main reason for that trend. Couples who live together are more likely to slide into marriage without the same level of commitment. Due to inertia (it is easier to just keep living together), they also are more likely to blow past those red flags that would have broken them up if they hadn’t been living together.
The analogy of ‘let’s test drive the car’ seems so logical to many of us. But our logic is flawed because we don’t spin that analogy out long enough. What a cohabiting couple is doing is more like a test drive that spans months or years (not hours or days), and is thus set up as a “test-drive-to-ownership” plan. (“We’ll charge your credit card if you haven’t brought it back in 30 days.”) As everyone knows, that sort of plan makes it far more likely that you’ll just end up buying the car by default, out of convenience — even though you may see things you don’t like. And it is also really easy to just overlook those things anyway because the car is shiny and new!
But down the road a while, when the car is not shiny and new anymore, those irritations begin to loom large. Some people will stick with it for the life of the car. But others will eventually trade it in, thinking “I should have brought the car back before my 30 days were up.”
And that is a more thorough version of the test drive analogy – one that closely parallels what Dr. Stanley and others have found in their research with the outcomes of cohabitation.
The young couples you work with want logic, so give them logic. Just make sure they are actually thinking through all the ramifications logically. You can’t change their choices – only they can do that – but if they are making a truly informed decision they are far more likely to make the right choice in the end.
Wish Shaunti could speak at an event in your area? You can help! Forward this piece or others to a leader at your organization or church, with a note of recommendation. They can reach Shaunti at NDuncan@shaunti.com.
Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
This article first appeared at Patheos.
The post Why not take the test drive? The case against cohabitation appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.
February 10, 2016
Women: Three phrases to never say to your husband
Ladies, if there were a reality TV show like “What NOT to Wear,” but for relationships, these three things would be at the top of the list for “What NOT to say to your man.” Now, don’t get me wrong; I’ve actually said all these things at one point! You’ve probably said them, too. And you probably also saw the same thing I did: it never works out so well. Why? In research with thousands of men I learned these hurt far more than your man (or your son!) will ever let on. So let’s agree to put these on our no-no list.
“What were you thinking?” The truth is, this phrase is demeaning when said to anyone (would you want your man to say it to you?) but when applied to a male (husband, boyfriend, son, colleague…) it layers pain on top of humiliation. Let’s be honest: the translation of this phrase is “You weren’t thinking.” But although we may not see it immediately, most guys think things through and have legitimate reasons for what they do — just like we do. The problem for us is that we don’t know that they have thought it through because (unlike us) they usually don’t think it through by talking it through. The male brain tends to need to process things internally. So you may not agree with his reason, but he probably does have one. So the next time you’re perplexed, angry or exasperated, stop yourself from blurting out this phrase. Instead, assume he probably has a reason for this and politely ask, “I know you had a reason, can you help me understand?”
“You didn’t do a good job at ______.” Whether spoken or implied, this comment is way, way more toxic to a male than you ever realized. In fact, the research is clear that it’s a guy’s equivalent of hearing “I don’t love you.” The reason is a hidden emotional reality. Where a woman’s most profound inner vulnerability is usually, “Am I loveable?” a man’s is usually, “Am I any good at what I do?” Each of us subconsciously look for signals from our mate about the answer to our inner question. You may think it is such a little thing when you re-clean the kitchen counters after he has just done it, or re-make the bed “the right way.” But for him, it looms large. (This is why you start hearing him say “Nothing I do is ever good enough for you.”) So when you see something that isn’t done “your way” ask yourself if correcting it is worth hurting his feelings. (Even if you don’t understand why on earth they would be hurt!). If it is worth hurting him, well then fine, but correct him in a gentle way that tells him “I know you want me to be happy, and this is the way I like such-and-such.” (“Thanks for cleaning the kitchen. Do you mind if I move a few things back around? I really do like the spice rack over here.”) But even better, look for ways to answer his inner question in a positive way: simply say “thanks for making the bed, honey,” and you’ll be surprised at how happy that makes him.
This, placed in front of any words – or on its own – is like a knife. As you can infer from the findings discussed above, a man’s greatest emotional need is to feel that you respect, appreciate, admire and believe in him. Signs of exasperation say exactly the opposite. We would never look at this man we love, and say out loud, “You’re an idiot” or “you’re incompetent” – yet we don’t realize that the sigh of exasperation says exactly that. When we are frustrated, it makes all the difference if we take a deep breath, count to three, and say what we need to say in a calm and respectful way instead.
I know it may be hard to believe that these things really matter. In fact, you may want to give a sigh of exasperation at this list! But since each of us does care about our man, let’s give it a shot. Try minimizing the above words and actions, and exploring the positive alternatives instead. The response you get will be the best possible incentive to continue.
Wish Shaunti could speak at an event in your area? You can help! Forward this piece or others to a leader at your organization or church, with a note of recommendation. They can reach Shaunti at NDuncan@shaunti.com.
Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
This article first appeared at Patheos.
The post Women: Three phrases to never say to your husband appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.
February 5, 2016
Travel update: back in one of my favorite places!
Well, Jeff and are back in one of our favorite places to come speak, with the wonderful people of Hawaii. We are so honored to be part of the Waterhouse Lecture Series, doing a marriage conference this weekend in Waikiki, then a date night at Cornerstone Fellowship in Mililani, and then Sunday with Waialae Baptist in Honolulu. This is such a very quick turnaround trip (speaking 9 times in less than 48 hours!) but it couldn’t be in a more lovely place!
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February 4, 2016
Guys: 3 ways to listen well to your wife
Men, finish this sentence. Your wife is upset and says “I don’t want you to fix it, I just want you to ____.”
Most of you have heard that… and most of you are confused because you think you are listening! So, guys, from our research about women here are 3 simple tips to clear up the confusion so you can listen in the way your wife is looking for.
Realize: what is most important right now is not what caused her to be upset. The problem is that she is upset. Once your wife is upset or worried about something, the problem needing to be solved isn’t what you think it is. You think it is whatever is causing all the hurt or worry – say, her boss is suddenly demanding an unrealistic deadline that will cause all sorts of chaos for her and her team. In your mind, if you solve the cause of her worry, you solve her worry. (“Honey, here’s how I think you can meet that deadline.”) But in her mind, the first and most important priority is to deal with how she is feeling.
Then: Don’t listen to the problem. Listen to her feelings about the problem. This will feel weird, but ignore the technical problem itself for a minute, and focus in on all her feelings about it. Pull them out. Ask questions. “What did you think when he came in your office and told you that?” “Were the other team members horrified?” And empathize. “I’m so sorry.” “That sounds really tough.” Give her a hug. Tell her you’re there for her.
You might be alarmed by the idea of pulling out all those jangling emotions even more, rather than doing whatever is necessary to solve and minimize them! One guy told me, “That sounds like pouring gasoline on a flame!” That analogy is understandable but wrong. A better analogy is this: you are pulling poison out of a wound. Your wife is tense and upset and worried, and all those feelings need to be pulled out and aired in order to be dealt with. She can’t feel listened to on her own. You don’t need to become her best girlfriend and listen for hours. But in most cases, even ten minutes of empathizing and asking questions will work wonders.
Finally: Once she feels heard, then offer your technical solutions. Once the poison has been pulled out of the wound, she will feel heard. You will see her relax a bit. Then you can offer your solutions. (“Honey, I have an idea for how to address this; do you want to talk about it?”) She may or may not even need those ideas, but if she does, this is when she’ll be more ready to hear them.
Guys, you don’t need to become someone you’re not. You’re created to be a Mr. Fix-It and that is a wonderful thing. Just realize that there are TWO problems that need to be solved – the poison of all those hurtful feelings, and the difficult issue itself. You’ll be a listening hero if you solve them in the right order.
Wish Shaunti could speak at an event in your area? You can help! Forward this piece or others to a leader at your organization or church, with a note of recommendation. They can reach Shaunti at NDuncan@shaunti.com.
Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
This post first appeared at Patheos.
The post Guys: 3 ways to listen well to your wife appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.
January 28, 2016
Some hysterical memes about the differences between men and women
Why do these strike such a nerve? Because most of us see ourselves in these pictures! Most guys are lonelier after a breakup than they think they will be; most men are indeed ready to go after 5 minutes, only to find that the woman isn’t – even after an hour of prep time! And yes, guys, we really do have nothing to wear in our overflowing closet.
I look at these and wish I had been given the gift of design! I think it is highly amusing that I can spend 12 years and $400,000 on research about the differences between men and women, and labor over publishing them in books that each take me years to write… and then an artist with keen insight can come along and summarize some of the funnier concepts in just a few pictures. Picture me being totally jealous.
So take a look – and enjoy!
Source: http://brightside.me/article/men-wome...
This post first appeared at Patheos.
The post Some hysterical memes about the differences between men and women appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.
January 19, 2016
Men: Four phrases that make you a hero to your wife
Guys, I know from the For Men Only research that you want to make your wife happy. And in many ways you already do! But if you want to hit the happiness jackpot, here are the four phrases that (in roughly 80% of cases) will put you into hero category:
1. “Here, let me do that…” Saying “What can I do to help?” is fantastic. Stepping in and taking something off her hands feels to her as if a couple of dozen roses were dropped in by parachute.
2. “You’re right, I didn’t do that quite right. Show me again.” Let me guess: when you stepped in to take something off her hands, she corrected you or showed you a “better” way to do it… right? So you thought Nothing I do is good enough for you, and you backed off. Men, here’s what you need to know: we women truly have no idea that you secretly worry about being inadequate. So when your wife implies something wasn’t done right (the way you dressed the kids, the way you cleaned the kitchen), she simply doesn’t understand why that would make you upset. She doesn’t intend to criticize you; she’s merely taking you at your word that you really want to help and showing you how best to help. If you can believe the best of your wife’s intentions, assume she is not secretly thinking you’re an idiot, and hang in there instead of backing off… you will truly be a superhero to the woman you love.
3. “I’m angry and I need some space. But I’ll be back in a bit. We’re okay.” When you’re furious or hurt and need to get some air (or time in your man cave), you’re trying to process the argument with your wife. You’re figuring out what you are thinking. Or maybe you’re just doing work stuff and have switched off the “husband” box in your brain to deal with later. But regardless, your wife is standing outside the man cave with her stomach in knots. She’s subconsciously wondering if this is the argument that hurts your love for her. She may go about her day, but if she’s like most women in the research, part of her brain is worrying, Are we okay…? So reassure her before you get that space; you’ll be protecting her from hours of subconscious stress or even pain.
4. “I’m so sorry that happened. How did that feel?” Because you want to be a hero to your wife, your instinct is to say, “I’m so sorry that this bad thing happened at work– here’s what I suggest to fix it.” You think being a hero means removing what caused the pain. Right? But for most women (although not all) removing what caused the pain is Step Two. Step One is helping her talk through all those jangling feelings she’s dealing with. Because of the way the female brain is wired, that is what will reduce the pain most. After a few minutes, you’ll see her tension ease as she feels heard and cared for her. Then you can move on to Step Two to solve the problem if needed. But more importantly: she’ll feel so loved. And you’ll have the satisfaction of another superhero job well done.
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Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
This article first appeared at Patheos.
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