Shaunti Feldhahn's Blog, page 61
January 14, 2016
Four things I would tell the woman who called me a “dumb broad”
Dear sister,
You say in your angry Amazon review of For Women Only and For Men Only, that a therapist recommended the books to help your failing marriage. Yet the For Women Only research has, in your view, made things worse by pointing out why your husband isn’t happy. (And presumably, why you aren’t, either.) You called me a “dumb broad” and threw the books in the trash.
Four things I want you to know:
1. I’m sorry you’re hurting. I am so sorry your marriage is struggling. It hurts my heart to see people hurting and lonely in what is supposed to be the most abundant of human relationships. The main thing that drives me in all this research is the desire for broken marriages to be healed and for all marriages to thrive. I’m sorry that isn’t where you are right now. I prayed for you and your husband this morning.
2. It sounds like your husband is hurting, too. If I’m understanding you correctly, your husband agrees with the three out of four men on my For Women Only survey who said that feeling inadequate and disrespected by their wife is so intensely painful, they would rather feel alone and unloved if they had to make a choice. But they would rather not have to make that choice! If your husband is like most men in this type of situation (more than 97%), he loves you. He cares for you. Even in struggling seasons, he cares. He wants to make you happy. But just like you have reached a point of feeling unhappy and unloved, he is feeling terribly disrespected by you. And that is such a terrible, painful feeling, he wants to get away from it. But if he’s like the vast majority of men on my surveys, being away is not his first, second or twentieth choice. What he probably most wants is to have you – and for you to show him that you respect him, believe him and appreciate him. (Just like you need him to show you what you most need.) That is why the therapists recommended the books to you: because they reveal the deep emotions behind your angry, upset faces, so that you know and can give what each other most needs.
3. Calling people names won’t ease your pain. Being kind might. You are feeling hopeless, angry and upset, and lashing out at others (your husband, me, the clerk at the grocery store…) may make you feel better for a moment – but far worse in the long run. Yet kindness has the power to heal. I’m in the middle of writing a book on this right now, but since it won’t be available for a year, let me ask you to please consider doing the 30-Day Kindness Challenge. The key is to say nothing negative to or about him for a month, to find and say one affirming item of praise each day, and every day to do one small act of kindness for him. I’m sure there are many underlying issues going on, and this won’t magically solve them. But it will make them a lot easier to solve, because they will help you see him differently – and, hopefully, soften his heart toward you as well.
4. Ask God for help for your own heart – not just his. In your post, you specifically share that you’re a Christian, so you are my sister in Christ. And since you’re my sister, I want to urge you to go to our heavenly Father for help. Not to change your husband first, but to change you. I hope you are willing to fish your book out of the trash, take a deep breath, and as you read sincerely ask God to open your eyes to those ways you have deeply hurt your husband without ever intending to. Yes, he has almost certainly hurt you deeply as well. I have no idea from your post whether he is willing to work on himself in any way. But as you have probably heard many times, you cannot change him – you can only change you. And the most powerful change for a marriage usually comes when we lay down our right to be understood and treated in the way we think we should be, and focus on relating to the other person in the way they most need. That is the reason for the “for better or for worse” vows of marriage; it is an unconditional promise, regardless of whether we get anything in return. Sadly, there are no guarantees in this imperfect world. But the beauty of how God made men, women and marriage is that in most cases, laying down our needs and focusing on the other person, often results in also receiving what we most needed all along.
Wish Shaunti could speak at an event in your area? You can help! Forward this piece or others to a leader at your organization or church, with a note of recommendation. They can reach Shaunti at NDuncan@shaunti.com.
Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
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January 12, 2016
Dads: Four Phrases a Daughter Needs to Hear From You
Dads, we know you love your daughter. And you know you love your daughter. But you might be surprised at much she needs to hear it. In the research with teens and preteens for For Parents Only, I found that these four phrases have a lot more impact than you might think. And as you’ll see, they are especially powerful and important when coming from a father. Use them often!
1. “I love you, sweetheart.” Until she is married, you are the main guy in your daughter’s life. So this gives you a special responsibility: countering the little voice inside the head of most girls (95%) and women (80%) that secretly wonders Am I loveable? Where you as a man probably have a little voice that asks Do I measure up? you might be shocked by how much your daughter doubts whether she is worth being loved and accepted by those around her. And feeling loved by a man is one of the main ways girls tend to look for an answer to that question. So as you hug her, affirm her, and tell her just how loved and loveable she is, it is far less likely she’ll feel the need to go looking for love in all the wrong places.
2. “You’re beautiful.” Just as girls doubt that they are lovable, they really doubt that they are lovely. We women can be really hard on ourselves. We see all our flaws. And every magazine rack your daughter passes screams at her that how she looks is not enough. Your daughter needs to see evidence that she is beautiful, and the most healthy, human evidence of that at this time in her life is getting that verbal affirmation from you. When she comes in dressed for school, tell her she looks great. If you need to ask her to adjust her attire, make sure she knows you think she is beautiful, regardless. Even consider taking her shopping every now and then. She will love seeing you light up when she presents herself in a way that lights her up.
3. “I’m so proud of you.” You like to hear this phrase. Your daughter does, too. The years daughters are living at home, involve lots of hard work, growing, and trying to find their way. We found in the research that all our kids (girls and boys) don’t have a clear roadmap for who they are and how they should handle life, school, relationships and everything else. They often feel like they are flailing around trying to figure it out. And there is an immense relief when a parent says they are proud of them. Whew, I did something right! This is vital from any parent figure, but it is very clear from our interviews and surveys that God has given it a special weight of authority when coming from a father. Don’t skimp on this phrase.
4. “I’m always here for you – even when you make mistakes.” You may not always have to say this out loud (although you should do that too!) but you do need to show it. As noted, our boys and girls won’t always do it right. They will mess up, not work hard enough, make wrong choices, and suffer the consequences. And they need to know that you are there with them through those consequences. This is key for girls and boys, but for a girl, when a father is angry or disappointed and seems to withdraw, she emotionally translates that as if he’s saying, “I don’t love you right now.” That is not at all what you’re saying, but that is what she’s hearing. So when she drives recklessly, despite all your efforts to teach safe driving, let her suffer the consequences of having to go to court – but show her that you will stand beside her throughout it and that you are there for her no matter what.
Wish Shaunti could speak at an event in your area? You can help! Forward this piece or others to a leader at your organization or church, with a note of recommendation. They can reach Shaunti at NDuncan@shaunti.com.
Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
This article first appeared at Patheos.
The post Dads: Four Phrases a Daughter Needs to Hear From You appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.
January 7, 2016
Moms: 4 things your son secretly wishes you knew about his temptations
Moms: 4 things your son secretly wishes you knew about his temptations
Even after years of researching what is in the heart and mind of men and boys, I still wasn’t quite ready when my pre-teen son began struggling with the same visual temptations as everyone else! In honor of all boys who want to do the right thing, here are four things every mom, especially, needs to know:
1. It starts young. Yes, I knew men and boys were visual – but I didn’t really grasp just how visual until my son was thunderstruck by the pictures in the Victoria’s Secret shop window at age of 4. “I like those ladies,” he said, in an awed tone of voice, suddenly and completely oblivious to everything else around him. “Their bare tummies make my tummy feel good.” The male brain is the male brain from the earliest age, and as I share in Through A Man’s Eyes, that means we moms need to know how to help those little eyes be careful what they see from the earliest ages.
2. It is an almost overwhelming curiosity — and temptation. Even the most honorable, godly young men have a deep-down curiosity to see the naked female form. And once they do, they are usually incredibly tempted to do whatever is necessary, to click on whatever link, to investigate whatever source will allow them to see it again. And again. Last year, I remember a few of my fellow moms being shocked that the eighth grade boys at our Christian school had all listed “pornography” as the primary life temptation they were trying to fight. Our boys need us to wake up to the strength of this temptation. They need our awareness, help and compassion in that fight up through adulthood.
3. It is a temptation the honorable boys don’t want. My son broke down in tears as he confessed looking at something he shouldn’t have looked at, online. Like many boys I’ve researched, he wants to be honorable toward women. He wants to do what God asks. He doesn’t want this temptation, and it makes me furious at how often his brain is being stimulated in this culture, and how hard it is to avoid that stimulation (and thus that temptation). Yes, when our boys make the wrong decisions and repeatedly make bad choices, they need consequences, they need help, and they need to know we are disappointed in them. But we need to know that they are also disappointed in themselves. Often, in fact, we need great wisdom about when our boys may need support more than discipline. This fight cannot be us-versus-our-sons. It must be us and our sons side by side, confronting a temptation that is thrown at them every day, and which neither of us want them to have.
4. It is something they cannot confront well without our help. Because it can be awkward to talk about, few boys will ever tell you this… but they need your help. For an honorable young man, at least, there is great comfort in knowing that Mom and Dad have installed accountability or filtering software on all media devices, or have put unbreakable passwords on the “iffy” cable channels, so that they can’t look at those things without getting caught. Also, when I was interviewing young men for the book, it was clear they would actually talk to their mom about these things if they could trust that she wouldn’t freak out. So no matter what your son says, be ultra-calm and matter-of-fact. Acknowledge that you don’t have a male brain, but let your son know you want to understand, will never freak out about anything he shares (even if you have to impose consequences, you won’t flip, emotionally) and that you want to know how to support him. If you are married, your husband will better understand what your son is going through, and the two of you will need to partner on the best way to handle things. As a man, he will also be your best source for inside information. (Including, sometimes, talking you down off your ledge about whether a certain incident is a big deal or not!)
In today’s culture there’s no perfect way of handling things. But we love our boys. So let’s step up to the plate. Let’s get more aware, educate ourselves, and be there for our sons, so we can help them in this fight this temptation, side by side.
Do you want Shaunti to share life-changing truths – including helping women understand men – at your event, church service or network? .
December 21, 2015
Want a Truly Happy Holiday? Four Ways You Should “Let It Go”
“Let It Go” is more than a Frozen anthem for the pre-school set. It’s also a hard-core success strategy for giving yourself – and those around you — a truly happy holiday! I saw the power of a few of these little actions in the research for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, but it applies to all sorts of situations. Especially during the Christmas and New Year season, you’ll be shocked at the difference if you say and do these four things:
1. “It doesn’t have to be done my way.” I know I lose many of us right off the bat with that one! At Christmas, we want things to be so special. So we have a vision in our heads for the way we want the lights to be hung, the office party to work, the food to be cooked. But sometimes that means we push ourselves and those around us to do things in a certain way… and at some point it becomes work and frustration. Which means it ceases to be special. In those cases, let go of your notions of “right,” back off your vision, and reap the benefits in more fun for everyone.
2. “I’m going to let myself sit down and enjoy this.” Yes, there’s work to be done. And very often, you can do it later. Don’t miss your niece excitedly sharing a long story about the play she’s in at her school, or miss a simple coffee with friends, just because you have ten things on your to-do list for the New Year’s party. Tell yourself that you don’t always have to be the responsible grown-up at every moment.
3. “Let’s simplify.” Let go of the fourteen things you could be doing, and enjoy the five that you do. On days off of work and school, give yourself permission to just “lie around” and read a book or watch a movie without feeling like you have to be “doing something.” Unless you and everyone around you enjoys a constant whirlwind (which, to be fair, some people do!) do not overschedule. You may have a Christmas Eve tradition of Christmas caroling and a visit to the neighborhood party and driving around and seeing the lights… but maybe this year you do one of those each day, instead of three per day. Maybe you say “This year, the Christmas tree is going to have just lights and tinsel instead of all the ornaments.” Maybe you turn the family Christmas update letter into a January update. When you start to say, “But…but…!” tell yourself, “Let it go.”
4. “I’m not going to let that get to me.” For many folks, the holidays mean extended time with family members who push all their buttons. And having those buttons pushed is one of the quickest ways to get stressed and not enjoy the holiday! Solution? Decide in advance that no matter what Uncle Joe says about your cooking or what your step-mom says about politics, that you are going to smile, shrug it off, and not let it bug you. There are many ways to do this (for example, “Sally, I think we’re just going to have to disagree”) but the bottom line with all of them is that you’re refusing to give someone else control over your peace of mind. As one of my friends puts it, “I’m not going to let him bust my peace.”
Peace. Joy. Family. Friends. The gift of Jesus. Don’t miss what matters most because of holding on to those things that are less important. Let it go. And you’ll enjoy this season so much more!
Wish Shaunti could speak at an event in your area? You can help! Forward this piece or others to a leader at your organization or church, with a note of recommendation. They can reach Shaunti at NDuncan@shaunti.com.
Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
This article first appeared at Patheos.
The post Want a Truly Happy Holiday? Four Ways You Should “Let It Go” appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.
December 16, 2015
3 things every boy needs from his mom
In more than a decade of research with thousands of men and boys over the years, one thing that has stood out is the power of a mom’s words to build her son up – or (accidentally) tear him down. Whether your son is five or fifteen, several phrases are a big, big deal. Here are three:
1. “I’m so proud of you.” All males are powerfully moved by hearing these words, but perhaps none more so than the young, testosterone-laden male humanoids who may at times act first, think later, and thus are more used to hearing (as they are stitched up in the Emergency Room) “What were you thinking?” If you make a point of finding and saying those things worth praising whenever they happen, it tells a young man that this is truly who he is — not that buffoon who occasionally gets dinged for doing something dumb.
2. “Sure, you can try it.” I hesitate to put this phrase so soon after the act-first-think-later-then-require-stitches example used above, but this truly is powerful in a young man’s life – especially when he hears it from “Cautious Mom” rather than “Adventure Dad.” Dads, having been young men themselves, know how vital it is that a boy try to do something on his own. Yes, he might try and fail (see Emergency Room example above), but he might do OK. Better yet, he might actually shine! It is hard for us to let our boy take this risk – no matter how big and husky, these are our babies! – but it is essential for his confidence for the future that he be able to try and try again. Which leads to the last phrase.
3. “It was just a mistake, you’ll do better next time.” We women sometimes think that we have to make a point of holding up a mistake so our son recognizes that he failed and doesn’t do something that way again. (“See what happens when you don’t study long enough?” “You forgot your equipment for practice again? That’s why you kept getting benched last year.” ) But the research with men and boys is clear: your son does recognize he failed at something. For a guy, a mistake or a way he didn’t succeed at what he tried to do, is a huge, huge deal. It looms large in a boy’s mind, condemning him oh, every five minutes or so. He needs to hear you say you believe in him and you know he’ll do it right next time. “I know you’ll be studying hard this next few weeks before exams, and you’ll do great.” And if you say it, it builds him up to believe he can do it.
A boy will never be perfect at what he does. After all, we aren’t either, right? But approaching his actions in these I-believe-in-you ways makes it far more likely that he actually will do it right over time. In other words: by your words of affirmation, you are helping him to actually become that great young man you know he can be.
Wish Shaunti could speak at an event in your area? You can help! Forward this piece or others to a leader at your organization or church, with a note of recommendation. They can reach Shaunti at NDuncan@shaunti.com.
Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
This article first appeared at Patheos.
The post 3 things every boy needs from his mom appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.
December 14, 2015
We’re a fan of iDisciple – and we think you will be, too!
Check out iDisciple, a platform that provides an engaging on-the-go resource for growing closer to Christ.
We hope you enjoy the app! You also can find additional content from Shaunti using iDisciple’s Life Themes, which brings transformational content to your fingertips.
We know your walk with God is unique – and so is the way you can use iDisciple, which features content that addresses everyday life – dating, marriage, parenting, career, finances, plus many other topics to nourish your relationship with God.
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December 7, 2015
For Women: Five Reasons to Have Sex with the Lights On
Yes, the idea is scary for many women! But in 12 years of researching the things our husbands wish we knew but don’t know how to say, I heard the heart behind this wish – and saw five surprising reasons to take the risk.
When he knows you want him, it increases intimacy. A husband is powerfully impacted by knowing his wife desires him. And few things signal “desire” more than when he sees his wife engaged in their time together. Men secretly feel so vulnerable when they approach their wives for intimacy: Do I measure up? Does she want me? Am I not enough for her? Sometimes a man will keep his guard up to avoid the sting of inadequacy if he senses his wife may not truly be all in. So if he sees that you’re engaged, he can set all concerns aside, let down his guard, and take the risk of opening up emotionally. And that vulnerability leads to much greater intimacy.
When you trust him, it leads to true oneness. Vulnerability works both ways. We feel so vulnerable at the idea of turning on those lights… because we too wonder: Do I measure up? I don’t look like I used to. Will he be satisfied with me? Turned off? Those extra pounds or least-favorite features loom large in our minds.But nearly all the men in my research told me they loved their wife’s individuality and aren’t expecting or looking for the cover model. That is our hang-up, not theirs! We need to trust that our husband loves us as we are. And when we let down our guard and trust, we reach mutual vulnerability and true oneness.
He is visual. Yes, this has been stated many times, but there’s a key reason it’s worth repeating: a man’s emotions are tied to his eyes. He drinks in and savors those images of you in your intimate time together in a wonderful, emotional way that you as a woman may never fully understand. But when those visual memories come back to his mind, he feels a rush of affection and love for you. And they are a bulwark and ammunition against the impact of all those other images that confront him out in the world every day.
He delights in knowing he has delighted you. The vast majority of men I’ve interviewed and surveyed have confirmed it: your man is most pleased when he pleases you. Three out of four said that for a man, sex is empty if his wife isn’t satisfied – or if he can’t tell that she was satisfied. The men said it makes an immense, delightful difference for a man to be able to can see his wife’s reactions in some way.
You may find it isn’t as big a risk as you think. Have you ever resisted something out of fear, only to try it later and wish you hadn’t waited so long? Many women have told me this was like that for them: it took courage, but was one of the best things they did for their marriage. Because they as women saw something too: they saw with their own eyes that their fears were empty. They saw that their husbands really did love them and delight in them as they were. These women gained confidence they never expected. And they found themselves unexpectedly moved by their husband’s almost gleeful delight in this new experience together.
So… try it. I’ll bet the response you get will be the best possible incentive to continue!
Wish Shaunti could speak at an event in your area? You can help! Forward this piece or others to a leader at your organization or church, with a note of recommendation. They can reach Shaunti at NDuncan@shaunti.com.
Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
This article first appeared at Patheos.
The post For Women: Five Reasons to Have Sex with the Lights On appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.
December 2, 2015
Ladies, do you know how to support your normal, visually-wired husband in this abnormal culture? 4 actions that matter
1. Show him you’re someone he can talk to about it. Regardless of where your man lands on the visual temptation spectrum, a calm conversation is the starting point. But many men are hesitant to talk, since they are convinced their wives will never understand – or, worse, will be hurt. So no matter what you’re hearing: be calm. If you don’t think he’s got a major issue, then just asking what life is like today, and showing him you want to hear what he shares, can be a great way to start. On the other hand, if you think there may be a significant issue requiring outside help, think and pray through the potential tracks of the conversation (what he might say, how you might respond) beforehand, so you can remain composed during the conversation.
2. Give him intimate visuals – of you! Whether he’s told you or not, your husband likes looking at you in all your glory. (As one man recently asked, essentially, “How can I convince my wife to let me see her body, instead of hiding behind a towel?”) After all, remember that this is when God designed your man’s visual nature to be activated! The whole problem is that his visual brain today is being stimulated in public by images he was never supposed to see. So give him those private memories that he is designed to see! Many men overcome temptation simply by calling to mind those memories of their wives. You may be surprised to find out how far being a flirt (and, ahem, being willing to have the lights on!) will go.
3. Be aware of potential temptation triggers. Because most women don’t have visual brains in quite the same way, we don’t realize just how much of an obstacle course our magazine subscriptions, catalogues, cable channels and unfiltered computers can present to an honorable husband – or a son! As I was doing my research for Through A Man’s Eyes, I discovered that, for example, having catalogs from places like Victoria’s Secret or Boston Proper delivered to the house and sitting out on the island can tempt a man who doesn’t want that temptation. So examine your home environment, eliminate some triggers, and ask about others. (“Would it help if we blocked some cable channels…?”)
4. If he’s got a bad habit, expect him to work hard to change it—and actively support him in doing so. No matter how supportive a wife is or isn’t, ultimately a man is completely responsible for his choices. Many men are very successful at fighting off the temptation to watch porn, while others feel a compulsion that seems almost impossible to fight. And yet, those same men usually want to honor God and want to honor their wives. If your man has anything from a bad habit to an actual addiction, make it clear that you expect him to get help – and that you’ll support him through the whole process. The actions above are a good start.
Do you want Shaunti to share life-changing truths – including helping women understand men – at your event, church service or network? .
November 25, 2015
Is your wife worried about something? 3 things to NEVER say.
“You can’t be serious.” You may not actually roll your eyes (“Really? You want to call the doctor. Her temperature is only 99.5!”) but she can tell that you want to. And as a woman, it’s really awful to be worried about something (like your child being sick) and then being made to feel stupid for being worried about something. As noted above, if we women have an open window, we can’t just ignore it. We can agree to not take action (“Okay, fine, I’ll wait until the morning to take her to the doctor”), but it is highly likely we’ll still be thinking about it. All night. And now we’re also worried / angry / hurt that our husband thinks we’re stupid for our concern. Bottom line: acknowledge that your wife has a reason for her concern, just like you have a reason for not worrying (or a reason for not taking action), and work it out respectfully like any other difference of opinion. (“I know it’s hard to wait, but if we spend the money for Urgent Care we’ll probably need to cut down on Christmas presents. Would you be willing to wait until the morning?”)
“Fine. Do what you want to do.” As noted, your wife wants your encouragement to take some action to close out that worry, and that makes her feel loved. By contrast, withdrawing or shutting down is likely to make a woman feel unloved and worried about the relationship. So if you (perhaps understandably) get exasperated that she keeps pushing some action, and you say “fine” and check out, you’re escalating her worry. You’re saying, “If you go ahead and do this, you’re going to create a problem in our relationship.” There’s nothing wrong with pressing for your solution instead of hers. By all means, hold the line if you feel strongly that her way is wrong. But if you are going to “give in,” give in gracefully and supportively instead of implying that if she moves forward, it will mean causing a problem between the two of you. If you can bring yourself to do that, you’ll be building a precious sense of security in her. A security that no matter what differences you have, you’ll always be there.
Do you want Shaunti to share life-changing truths – including helping women understand men – at your event, church service or network? .
November 20, 2015
How men think they HAVE to speak to women … and the better approach!
My niece posted this online and I’m trying not to laugh out loud, because this is EXACTLY how men think they HAVE to speak to women – and, uh, yeah, sometimes they DO! (If you don’t drink, forgive me in advance for finding this really amusing.)
But that said, there’s a serious point here. In real life, all this does is play into the stereotyped reality of what men ALREADY secretly think, which is that a guy a) can’t really understand his woman and/or b) can’t win! But we discovered in the For Men Only research about women that neither is true! So do you mind if I use this as a back-door way to share what actually DOES help you understand women and DOES work?
Here’s the guy-friendly answer key for lines 1 – 5, of what women actually DO long for, that is realistic for most men. Line 1: Safer or Safest. Line 2: Safer or Safest. Line 3: None of the above. Instead listen to her feelings about it and she’ll feel heard. (Perhaps “Ultra Safe” is part of that!) Line 4: Uh…. Maybe Safer. But also see Line 2 again! Line 5: Safer.
So combine 12 years of rigorous social research with one really hysterical meme and you’ve got some really good advice on how to speak to women. 
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