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When She Has the Stronger Sex Drive; Part Three

This is the third and final article in a 3-part series written by Christian Sex Therapist Dr. Michael Sytsma, offering hope, encouragement, and direction to wives who have a stronger sexual drive than their husbands.  In Part One and Part Two, Dr. Sytsma pointed out that wives with a stronger sexual drive than their husbands will need to prepare to work through this difficult area of conflict with patience, clear communication, a sense of calmness and curiosity, reasonable expectations, prayer, a decision to avoid assuming the worst about the reasons for the mismatch – and a willingness to get specialized help for the conversation if needed.

When She Has the Stronger Sex Drive; Part Three.

By Dr. Michael Sytsma

Now let’s dive into the clinical, psychological and emotional aspects of why a husband’s sex drive might be lower than his wife’s.

Our focus in Part Three of this series is: Explore the three possible explanations.

Explanation #1: It’s Normal

Sometimes, the most accurate explanation is that the wife’s natural sexual desire is simply higher than the husband’s. Nothing is broken or wrong in either of you.

Many people don’t’ realize, in fact, that there are two different types of desire. “Assertive” or initiating desire is characterized by wanting to pursue sex and being quickly ready, and is typically tied to a higher level of testosterone.  A second type of desire is “receptive” desire. This is a normal type of desire where the spouse will typically respond to but not initiate sex.  It is perfectly normal to be a couple where you as the wife happen to have assertive desire and your husband happens to have receptive desire.  If this is true for your marriage, you both will need to understand both your own type of desire and your spouse’s, as well as how to work with it and grow as a couple.

In my research and clinical experience, I do not find couples that are perfectly matched in sexual desire — one always has a higher drive than the other. For some couples, the spouse who is the high-desire partner switches at various times in marriage due to stressors like children, finances, careers, and physical issues. As stated earlier, 80 percent of the time the higher desire spouse is the husband, but that means for one in five marriages, the wife is. If you are simply one of the 20 percent in which the wife has a higher drive than the husband, learning to accept your role will be critical.

Accepting your role will mean different things in each marriage. It often means accepting that you will typically be the initiator of sexual interaction. It may mean figuring out how to seduce him on a regular basis. While it may involve learning how to share with him when you are feeling disconnected and desiring sexual connection, it does not mean shaming him or demanding from him.

As a couple, if you are working with a Christian sex therapist, your husband will be given tasks to fulfill, such as disciplining himself to engage with you sexually on a regular basis out of a heart of love for your needs — but you do not control his tasks. Your task is to learn how to accept your role as normal for your marriage. Due to the sensitivity of this scenario — you feeling like sex is a ‘duty’ to him, him feeling badly that sex feels like a ‘duty’ to him, and him feeling badly that it feels badly to you (it’s complicated) — very likely warrants at least a few sessions with a specialized Christian sex therapist to get you on the road to understanding and putting to practice these disciplines.

Explanation #2: Your High Desire is Problematic

 

It is possible that your desire is problematically high. High desire alone rarely causes distress in a marriage. What we do with the high desire — demanding, shaming, redirecting, etc. — is what tends to cause the problems. If you are wanting sex many times a week over a significant period of time (weeks to months) and are having trouble disciplining it, I recommend talking with a professional to assess if it may be some type of hyper-sexuality.

But remember: just because you and your husband think your level of desire is problematically high, doesn’t mean a professional will agree.  A well-trained and experienced counselor can provide an assessment and a path forward.  Also, realize that an unusually high level of desire is no problem if the two of you agree on the frequency. It only becomes a problem if you’re not, or you direct it somewhere other than your spouse.

Explanation #3: His Low Desire is Problematic

If we put male sexual desire on a bell curve, we have difficulty identifying when it is low enough to label it a problem in need of treatment. If the two of you suspect his desire is more problematically low than normal, it’s time to explore some of the explanations. The following are some of the common explanations I have found:

His life is out of balance. This may be the most common reason I find for low sexual desire in men. Getting men to stop working 80 hours a week, to get more than 6 hours of sleep each night, to eat healthy, to get regular exercise, and to take time off to relax can make a huge difference in sexual desire. While this may seem simplistic, getting off the treadmill to relax on a routine enough basis to impact his sexual desire may require significant life changes, including a different job with less pay. If you find yourself as a couple in this situation, a life coach or counselor may be able to give you some helpful advice on making some significant changes that can lead to a more fulfilling life.

Hormonal imbalance. There is a lot of controversy in assessing and treating testosterone and other male hormone levels. Sometimes, the best way to address low testosterone is getting life back in balance. Other times, finding a physician who is up on the latest research, and who monitors more than just testosterone — and treats your scenario with more complexity than just giving a monthly shot, patch, gel, or spray — can make a world of difference.  

Performance fears. With both men and women, our sexual desire is hugely impacted by fear. I often hear husbands express fear that they might not be able to perform as well as they believe they should. This is especially true as men get older and erections are less reliable. Some men repress their desires rather than risk the embarrassment or shame of Erectile Dysfunction with their wives.

The fear that the husband won’t be able to please his wife sexually can be reinforced if her desire is naturally higher than his, she has had more sexual partners, or she is more adventurous or erotic than he is. Another common fear is pain. If the wife experiences pain during sex even somewhat consistently, a sensitive, caring husband will often lose desire in what appears to be an unconscious protection of the wife.

 

Redirected sexuality. A common reason husbands have a low desire to connect sexually with their wives is because they are redirecting their sexual behavior. The greatest fear for many wives is that he is having an affair. This is one of the more destructive ways sexual desire is directed away from marriage. In the chance you discover an affair, please seek help quickly. Some of the best marriages I work with have healed from affairs, but this usually takes skilled guidance with a professional counselor who has had experience working in this particular arena (not just a general marriage counselor).

More common ways sexual desire is directed away from the marriage is through masturbation and pornography. This can initially be devastating to many wives. Most will start by believing it is about them — “If I looked different he wouldn’t be looking at that.” But the reality is that this was likely occurring long before the marriage and has virtually nothing to do with the wife. Centering yourself, allowing this to be your husband’s issue, and challenging him to get the help he needs to remove it from his life and your marriage are key steps to moving forward. Go gently and prayerfully into this challenge, and get educated on it (I recommend Shaunti Feldhahn’s new book Through A Man’s Eyes). He is likely not proud of the behavior and will almost certainly be defensive at first, maybe even attacking and blaming you. Expect it and plan not to be reactive or the focus shifts to the fight and away from the issue. Gently express the negative impact on you, and invite him to be different. It is good to set a limit, saying this does not belong in your marriage, but it may take some work to get it removed. Seek help early if you think you need it.

Personality issues. “She’s right,” one husband told me. “I honestly don’t think of having sex with her. I wake up thinking about work and go to sleep thinking about work. I love her and enjoy sex, but I just don’t think of it.” While this reflects some life imbalance, this man’s comments reveal a hyper-focused husband. In this particular example, when asked, he said he desired sex 2-3 times a week and only with his wife.  We just needed to work on how to help him regularly step out of his hyper-focus to enjoy his wife and marriage.

I have also seen low sexual desire show up in men who have obsessive-compulsive characteristics, and who greatly dislike the bodily fluids and general “mess” involved in sex. Other men have more autistic, detached general personality characteristics that keep them from desiring intimate contact like sex.

Lack of attraction to spouse. While this is one of the most common fears of wives, it is one of the less common reasons husbands give for low sexual drive. But, while not as common as feared, there are husbands who struggle with the physical appearance of their wives. Occasionally this happens when couples marry because they are good friends and the marriage made sense, rather than because they fell in love and felt passion for each other. In these cases, developing a passion that was never there can be be a tall order. Even if they aren’t successful in developing a passionate physical attraction, I often find these couples are capable of developing a rich, rewarding, and long lasting marriage that they wouldn’t trade for the physical rush. It’s helpful to keep in mind that a healthy goal is an intimate, fun, sensual, rich marriage. Pursuing that goal is very doable and can even build into a relationship with a very healthy eroticism.

More typically, lack of self-care (which sometimes occurs after having children) causes areas of unattractiveness that distract him and inhibit his sexual desire. While wives are often afraid they need to have a perfect body, the right size breasts, and a flat stomach, that is usually completely untrue.  It is simply that most husbands are able to lean in better when she is practicing good self-care (a relatively healthy diet, and staying active) and working to be erotic and comfortable with her body.

Sinful heart. Finally, I will occasionally discover a husband who has a withholding, sinful heart. Seeking to control or punish his wife by generally withholding himself from her can all be aspects of this mean individual. When present, this is a spiritual issue on the part of the husband that the wife is powerless to address beyond praying for him and remaining her best, despite his behavior. Fortunately, this seems to be quite rare. I would suggest professional counseling for a wife who thinks this may be her situation, to assist her in identifying the healthiest way for her to bring about change.

Develop an Action Plan

Once you understand your husband’s explanation for his low sexual desire, hopefully he will also have a better understanding of how it impacts you. Only then will you be ready to develop a tentative action plan for moving forward. If possible, agree together on the action steps and how you are going to track them. Work to accept influence from each other and don’t expect your best solution will necessarily work for the two of you. Most couples find it takes a variety of “solutions” over time to resolve the conflict over sexual desire.

Keep moving forward with your plan. The reason most couples fail in this area is because the required conversations trigger so many negative emotions that they quickly learn to avoid the subject. Avoiding the subject means no progress is made and the couple is stuck. As you can see, courage and communication skills are critical for success, which is why many couples with trouble in this area need professional help. Keep leaning in and seek help if you need it.

Keep the End in Mind

Finally, keep the end in mind. If you have higher desire than he does, and your goal is mind-blowing sex three times a week, or a husband who is always hot after you, you may almost certainly be disappointed. If your goal is regular intimate lovemaking, you can most certainly be successful. God designed sex as a beautiful and powerful way to reflect Him and bond a couple together. Pursuing His goal for you as a couple is always worth it.   

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Be sure to read Part One and Part Two of this three -part series offering hope, encouragement, and direction to wives who have a stronger sexual drive than their husbands.

Dr. Michael Sytsma has been working with couples in a variety of capacities since 1987. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of Georgia, a Certified Sex Therapist, and a Certified Sexual Addictions Specialist. He is also an ordained minister with The Wesleyan Church and has served as a staff pastor for churches with attendance from 30 to over 1000. Michael and Karen have been married since 1985 and have two sons, Josiah and Caleb.

 

The post When She Has the Stronger Sex Drive; Part Three appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

How do I convince my wife to let me see her body?

Dear Shaunti,

OK, awkward question but here goes: how can I convince my wife to let me see her in all her glory?  We have a decent sex life, we don’t have any real marriage problems, and I’m careful to not check out other women.  But she still seems to feel like how she looks is not “enough” somehow.  She worries about gaining weight since the kids arrived, her “small boobs,” or the fact that she doesn’t get to the gym anymore.  I tell her that she’s beautiful and it just bounces off.  So she hides behind a towel in the bathroom, and looks embarrassed when I walk into the room when she’s changing.  She tries to quickly throw on clothes instead of taking me at my word that I think she’s beautiful and I want to see her body!  How can I convince her?

-Stumped

Dear Stumped –

I think you’ve just articulated the question of many husbands!  Just last night Jeff and I were speaking at a couple’s event, and at the book table afterward a man asked about my new book, Through A Man’s Eyes.  When I explained it helps women understand how visual men are, what it is like for men to navigate all these sexualized images in public that were only supposed to be seen in private, and how to support men today, he started laughing.  He said:

Oh, I’m so glad to have a way to explain this to my wife!  It’s like I’m out there every day, and every few minutes I see an image and look away.  See a magazine cover and look away.  See that woman dressed provocatively and look away.  See the billboard over there and look away.  Over and over and over, I look away.  And then I come home, and my wife wants to change clothes and she goes into the closet and shuts the door!  And I’m like…. seriously!?  

I couldn’t help but laugh, too.   See, you men are experiencing a total catch-22.  If your wife is like most women, she doesn’t understand just how much you are visually stimulated every day and that you want to come home and feast your eyes on her instead – and at the same time she is also insecure enough about her body that she thinks you’ll be turned off if you see what she really looks like!

God has a sense of humor, right?

How do you solve this?  Honestly, you need to reassure her and you need to educate her.  Reassure her that you think she is beautiful.  Don’t pressure her to take off the towel, but tell her over and over just how much you love how she is made, how she is even more beautiful to you today than she was when you first married, how you love her individuality (small boobs and all!), and that you still get that feeling inside when you see her just walking down the stairs or washing dishes at the sink.

Seriously… that is what she needs to hear.  Every day.  Because according to our surveys of women, most doubt it every day.

To educate her, you might have to get out of your comfort zone.  Explain that you want her to understand how you see the world, and ask if it is something she wants to know about you.  Most women do, but, frankly, some women aren’t sure.  Your visual nature is so foreign to women (since our wiring is so different) that it can sometimes be intimidating for a woman to hear.  But that usually goes away as long as you make it clear that you want to talk about it because you want to increase the closeness between you; you want her to understand what it is like to be you every day.

If she says she wants to understand that, then tell her what it is like to be a visual guy today, and how often you see things that you don’t want to have to see.  Tell her how much you delight in seeing her, rather than the other images out there.  In fact, it might help to take a look at the chapter in Through A Man’s Eyes that explains how the male brain is actually physically wired differently from her brain as a woman.

Bottom line: if you explain that you turn away from those images because you love her, it will reassure her that you really do love her and find her beautiful.  And once she is reassured that you mean it when you say you love how she looks in all her glory, she’ll be a lot more comfortable about letting you see her.  Trust me, it may take some courage on her part, so keep telling her she’s beautiful.  After all, that is a delight that she will never outgrow!

Do you want Shaunti to share life-changing truths – including helping women understand men – at your event, church service or network? .

When She Has the Stronger Sex Drive; Part Two

This is the second of three articles in a series written by Christian Sex Therapist Dr. Michael Sytsma, offering hope, encouragement, and direction to wives who have a stronger sexual drive than their husbands.  In Part One, Dr. Sytsma encouraged these women to first create a good environment for communication, make sure they are managing their own expectations, and not assume that their husband doesn’t care or has some unhealthy reason for his lower level of desire.  

When She Has the Stronger Sex Drive; Part Two.

By Dr. Michael Sytsma

As you work on yourself (as encouraged in Part One), so that you can eventually address this issue in a healthy way, you will inevitably encounter the time in which you have to… well… address this issue in a healthy way.  

So our focus in Part Two is this:  Create a Good Process For Discussion

Most high-desire wives are so eager to “figure out what is going on,” that they try to jump right to diagnosing explanations without the internal and external preparation we’re discussing here, and without having a good process set up.  This rarely works, and can actually lead to discouragement that never had to happen! Preparing well will set a much better foundation for success on this issue that is so important to you.

So here are five elements of a good process.

Element #1: Center Yourself And Resolve to Stay Calm

Your main area of power, mentioned in the first article in this series, focuses on centering yourself and staying calm as you think about the issues involved – and especially once you talk to your husband about it. Your husband’s lack of desire might not — and likely doesn’t — have anything to do with you.  Recognizing that, avoiding the tendency to think otherwise, and deciding to stay even and balanced will provide the critical foundation you need to move forward.  

Maintaining a steady demeanor will also provide the crucial safety factor that allows him to feel like he can take the risk of opening up to you.  After all, this is a topic about which he probably already feels inadequate – which is a man’s most painful feeling, even without being applied to an area so central to his sense of manhood.  So your husband is likely to be sensitive.  If you resolve to stay calm and compassionate throughout the conversation (more on how to do that, below) it is far more likely that you’ll be able to discuss this topic not just once but over time as needed.

Element #2: Be Intentional About the Right Time and Place to Talk

Many times couples seem to suppress their frustrations until they blow up, and then complain that the conversation escalated, or that their spouse shut down. A much better approach is to be intentional and plan a time to talk about the issue. This might mean a brief getaway, or just setting aside several hours to be together without the kids. Make it a time when you will both be rested and ready to focus on the issue at hand.

Element #3: Pray Before You Talk

I know many of you are in different places spiritually, and some will hold to different beliefs.  But I’ve come to believe that the skills and attitude required to be a great spouse are not human. What I mean by that is that being truly humble, gracious, deeply respecting, cherishing, and appropriately assertive are truly “Christ-like” characteristics, more than they are natural human tendencies. Asking God to keep you centered and to take control of you and the discussion so you can truly understand and strengthen your husband’s heart can be critical as you seek success.

Element #4: When You Talk, Get Curious  

When you finally sit down to talk, it is critical that you take on an attitude of curiosity. Rather than jumping to your own explanations for his behavior, work on leaning in and being curious. How does he explain it? Work on generating a dialogue with him. You aren’t there to problem solve yet, you are there to understand. This isn’t about who is right or wrong, it’s about clearly hearing his explanation. The goal at this point is not to fix it, but to understand it. Later –after both spouses feel understood – you can begin to move toward solutions.

When approaching your husband with curiosity, remember that he may not be proud of his behavior or his level of drive. He hears many of the same cultural messages and stereotypes you do. Many husbands who are the low desire spouse feel a sense of shame that they don’t want to have sex with their wives more frequently. Shame is not a good motivator of open, healthy communication — or of healthy choices.

“Look at my wife. She is beautiful! What man wouldn’t want to climb into bed and enjoy her? What is wrong with me that I don’t?” That was the heart cry of one husband in my office recently. His wife was convinced he didn’t like her body, but that wasn’t his explanation. It took her quite a while to get past her fear to hear his cry of pain. But when she did, they were able to begin moving together to toward a solution.

Another landmine to watch out for when leaning in and being curious is his fear of opening up. This fear can come from a host of sources, including being afraid to really look within himself, bad experiences from sharing in the past (with you or others), or a fear of how you will handle it if he is honest. Your task is to do your best to create space for him to explore. Stay curious past his initial explanation. “Help me to understand” is a far better internal stance than, “Tell me what’s wrong so we can fix it.” Similarly, “You are wrong and need to change” pretty much never works. Some couples find it is easier to have some conversations through letter writing, email, or in front of a counselor. Work hard to make it safe for both of you to talk, even if it means absorbing some difficult information.

Element #5: Get Specialized Help If Necessary

It is vital to realize that your willingness to work hard to make it safe to talk, and your “resolve” to be calm and curious, may not be enough. The actual conversation is where the situation can get difficult and complex – and it is important to be wise about whether you’ll need outside help from the beginning. If something he says (or doesn’t say) throws you off center, might you – despite your good intentions — become reactive? (Blow up/cave in/run away?)  If so, the conversation will go bad and cause more distance in your sex life. Similarly, you might stall out as a couple if he is not comfortable opening up to explore what he really wants sexually — or what he thinks the problem is. If you believe either of these is likely to be the case, seek out someone who can help the two of you talk through it. Just as you will need to feel heard, your husband needs to feel that his heart and manhood are safe going into this conversation.

Now You Can Explore the Explanations

Finally, now that you’ve set up a good, safe process, begin to explore explanations for his lower desire – or your higher desire. There are three possible explanations: his desire is normal, his desire is problematic, or your desire is problematic. We will address these explanations in the third and final segment of the series.

Read Part Three [link to be added] of this three -part series offering hope, encouragement, and direction to wives who have a stronger sexual drive than their husbands.

Dr. Michael Sytsma has been working with couples in a variety of capacities since 1987. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of Georgia, a Certified Sex Therapist, and a Certified Sexual Addictions Specialist. He is also an ordained minister with The Wesleyan Church and has served as a staff pastor for churches with attendance from 30 to over 1000. Michael and Karen have been married since 1985 and have two sons, Josiah and Caleb.

 

The post When She Has the Stronger Sex Drive; Part Two appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

When She Has the Stronger Sex Drive; Part One

Ladies, if YOU are the one with the stronger sex drive, here’s expert hope and help!

Hi everyone. I’m thrilled to share a series of three important guest articles by nationally-recognized sex therapist Dr. Michael Sytsma, offering hope, encouragement, and direction to wives who have a stronger sexual drive than their husbands – a situation that probably happens in one of five marriages. Because much of my research centers around the more common situation in which the man has the stronger desire for sex, many women with higher libidos have told me they are confused and frustrated by the lack of good information for their situation.  

So I turned to a group I’ve partnered with for many years in researching and writing my books. Building Intimate Marriages is an exceptional resource for online articles and counseling for issues of sexual intimacy, and its founder and director, Dr. Michael Sytsma, is the author of the three thorough and helpful articles in this series. If you are a woman with a stronger sex drive, I hope what you read encourages you to persevere in your pursuit of pleasure and sexual intimacy in your marriage!

— Shaunti

When She Has the Stronger Sex Drive; Part One.

By Dr. Michael Sytsma

Conflict over sexual desire and frequency is the most common sexual issue causing distress in couples today. The age-old stereotype, of course, is that the husband wants sex all the time but the wife isn’t interested. Increasingly, though, we hear from wives who are trying to figure out what it means when they are the high-desire spouse and the husband doesn’t seem to want it as often. These women want to know what on earth is going on and what to do.

Ladies, while you can’t change your husband, there is a path you can start down that can help remove the conflict related to sexual desire within your marriage – and bring hope for a great mutual connection.

But are you ready for the hard truth?  As with many worthwhile changes, the first stage begins with you.  So the focus of this Part One article is this:

Prepare Yourself Before Addressing it with Him

Conflict over sexual desire is often really difficult for couples to work through, especially since many don’t have the critical tools they need.  Since you must understand each other to make progress, the most important tool is good communication. So….how are you at that?  If you personally can’t talk about finances, in-laws, or parenting without getting defensive, shutting down, or blowing up, it is unlikely you will be able to talk about the emotional topic of sexual intimacy without doing the same. If you need to, first seek some help learning good, solid communication skills.

Next, prepare yourself to address this well. Keep in mind that beautiful flowers grow when we have provided the proper soil, nutrients, and moisture. Similarly, here are three critical steps you can work on to build a great environment for addressing this important topic with your husband.

Step # 1. Embrace Your Feelings, But Monitor Them Too

We are all created with the desire to be pursued and wanted, especially by our spouse. When that doesn’t happen, it is normal to feel wounded. When the one closest to us doesn’t want to connect sexually, it is normal to feel hurt, concerned, and confused. Your fears are energized and begin to conjure up scary reasons he might not want to have sex. This can cause some people to get completely bogged down in anxiety and fear; they can feel just plain stuck, or they can totally freak out.

I tell husbands in these situations that they need to allow their wives to be human. I warn them that if they don’t pursue their wives sexually, and if they turn them down when pursued, it is only normal for the wife to have normal, and typically negative, human reactions. The only way not to have those is to not care. And if she reaches that point — where she no longer cares— the marriage is potentially moving into the terminal illness stage and needs immediate assistance.

That said, though: Wives should not give full license to those negative emotions.  That will not be helpful!  It is human to want to blow up, cave in, or run away when we feel a negative emotion, but allowing such reactions will almost always make the problem worse. When your hurt turns into an attack on your husband, that does not make you more desirable. I have worked with many husbands who, because of how their wives reacted when they didn’t desire to connect sexually, began to avoid sex altogether, even when they did have the desire. That can escalate into a pattern of avoidance that can be difficult to break.

Rather than blowing up, caving in, or running away (even subtly), I encourage wives to center themselves. Recognize the hurt, but manage it well. This allows you to lean into him and do the next steps. This is tough work and can be an exercise in true selflessness.  (I work in a lot of church settings, and in that context we acknowledge this is also true discipleship.)

Part of being centered is acknowledging both who you are – and whether you have your own issues to address.  I have worked with a number of wives who have a particularly high drive –and some who are actual sex addicts. If that might be you, I urge you to meet with a qualified female sexual addictions specialist for an assessment and a plan to address the issue. Now, if you simply have a particularly high level of sexual desire, it is important to own it. It isn’t a bad or wrong thing. It may just be how you are wired, and it will be important to accept that about yourself. Being the high-desire spouse means your husband might not be able to keep up, which brings us to the next recommendation.

Step # 2. Double-Check Your Expectations

It is easy for us to get caught up in cultural stereotypes and expect our spouses to behave that way…. like the idea that men are always craving sex. While this may be true for many men, it is far from true for all men. Additionally, men aren’t always as simple as they are made out to be. The idea that men are testosterone-driven, desire-driven, and need sex frequently, is not typically true — especially as men age.

It is true that testosterone activates the part of the brain that focuses on sexual objects and has sexual thoughts. At a young age, many men must work diligently to discipline this part of the brain. Some men learn the skill quickly and become fairly disciplined in their sexuality. Others learn to repress (shut off) that part of who they are and may have difficulty turning it back on in the appropriate context, such as marital sex.  Or physical issues like aging can cause a decrease in testosterone and result in a drop in the intensity of sexual thoughts.  There are many issues that may result in a husband who doesn’t fit the stereotype of always wanting sex.

While sexual drive is generally quite resilient in most men, we are affected by more than just testosterone. Male sexual drive can be affected by a host of external factors. A husband who is under a lot of stress, not sleeping well, not eating well, not exercising, or is generally out of balance, may totally lose interest in sex. While the male stereotype is, “If I only have a little energy left, I want to go out having sex,” I only see that in jest, or in a small percentage of husbands. To me it makes more sense that God would design our bodies in such a way that, if we are too stressed or out of balance, our bodies would lose interest in sexual relations. If a man is barely keeping his head above water in life, his body might simply move sexual desire off the table completely.

Besides testosterone, men also pursue sex for the rush and the connection. These too can be affected by a host of things that result in him having lower sexual drive. Most importantly: if he is feeling criticized, disrespected, or demeaned by you it might be very difficult for him to want sex. Pressure to perform, a lack of desire to connect, or the loss of the rush for any number of reasons can also lower his sexual interest.

The reality is that many men experience times when they lose interest in sex for any of a variety of reasons. This is normal. If you, as his wife, don’t expect this occasionally, you might allow your hurt, fear, or confusion to reinforce your inaccurate expectations. The result is rarely helpful in raising his desire to be sensual and intimate with you. I’ve worked with many couples going through a season where the husband has low desire.  Often, in the wife’s fear-based anger, she attacks the husband and his manhood (“What’s wrong with you? Real men want sex.”). This attack cuts to the core of the husband’s confidence as a male and often totally disrupts sexual desire in the marriage, turning a temporary situation into a true problem.

Research consistently tells us that in any culture or subculture, husbands have the higher sexual drive in about 80 percent of marriages. While this is a clear majority, it does mean that the wife has the higher sexual drive in one of five couples.  That is not a tiny number.  So realize: It is possible that nothing is wrong with you or your husband, and that you just happen to be one of those couples. Expecting to be one of the 80 percent when you are actually one of the 20 percent can put undue pressure on your spouse, yourself, and your marriage. Again, it is fine if you wish you weren’t one of the 20 percent, but it is equally important to recognize that you might be.

Now, does that mean you’re simply supposed to accept that you have a mismatch and “live with” the challenging and negative feelings that come with it? Not at all. You might need to accept that you are the high desire spouse in your marriage, but that doesn’t mean there’s nothing you can do about it, or that you need to live with hurt, fear, and confusion. We’ll touch on this more in Part Two, but the bottom line is that there is a lot you can do to address the problem – but there’s also a lot you can do to address your feelings.  Take charge of your emotions, so they do not take charge of you.

Another area in which high-desire wives might have unrealistic expectations is in how frequently sex will happen. Some wives simply believe that his desire “should” always be higher than hers– no matter what hers is. The reality, however, is that most individuals (meaning both husbands and wives) report they would like sex more frequently than it happens. So the problem isn’t always the natural desire itself: it’s that other things get in the way of desire, such as fatigue, work, distraction, and fear — to name a few.

His lack of desire might still seem like a problem to you, but before moving forward, try to check your expectations about what his desire should be, and what sex should look like as a couple.

Step #3. Monitor Your “Attributions” (For Example: Don’t Assume You Know Why His Desire is Low)

Typically, when a wife comes into my office concerned about her husband’s lack of sexual desire she tells me she is afraid he is attracted to men, is getting his sexual needs fulfilled elsewhere, or is no longer attracted to her body. We call these explanations of someone else’s behavior attributions. We view their behavior and attribute certain explanations to it. Our attributions can be accurate or inaccurate. Attributions can be positive and can affirm the marriage, or they can be negative and destructive.

My doctoral research focused on desire discrepancy in married couples. My findings showed that the greatest source of pain in couples was not based on who had the higher or lower desire. In essence, the high-desire spouse’s level of desire was not the cause of the distress, and the low level of the low-desire spouse caused only a small amount of marital distress. Further, the greatest predictor of distress related to sexual desire in marriage was not the distance between the high and low spouse’s level of desire. The greatest predictor of distress was in the attribution of the high desire spouse.

Practically, what that means is that if you are the high desire spouse in your marriage, what you think about your husband’s low desire is far more important than his actual desire level, in predicting pain in your marriage. Occasionally I find that the wife’s worst fear about her husband’s low sex drive is true, but typically the reason is far more benign. In their hurt, fear, and confusion, many wives lock in on a negative attribution and don’t take the time to explore what might really be going on. They keep driving down the wrong road, demanding that their husband fix something that is not the core problem.

Thankfully, once you’re mindful of the attribution trap, you can easily avoid it.  Especially as you begin a good process for understanding where he is coming from — which is what we will cover in Part Two.

*

Read Part Two [link to be added] of this three-part series offering hope, encouragement, and direction to wives who have a stronger sexual drive than their husbands.

Dr. Michael Sytsma has been working with couples in a variety of capacities since 1987. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of Georgia, a Certified Sex Therapist, and a Certified Sexual Addictions Specialist. He is also an ordained minister with The Wesleyan Church and has served as a staff pastor for churches with attendance from 30 to over 1000. Michael and Karen have been married since 1985 and have two sons, Josiah and Caleb.

The post When She Has the Stronger Sex Drive; Part One appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Is your wife asking, “Are we okay?” 4 triggers that make her feel insecure in your relationship

1. Conflict. For most guys, conflict is just conflict; it is fairly easy to put it out of your head and focus on whatever you’re doing that day.  But for most women… not so much. In my research for For Men Only, one woman explained it this way: “A lot of desperate feelings surface when I feel like my husband is displeased with me. I know it sounds old-fashioned, and I’m a pretty independent person, but it still really affects me.”  Another woman told me, “When we’re at odds, it’s like nothing is right with the world until that is resolved.”  Guys: she needs your reassurance that you still love her, and you’ll get through this just fine.

2. Withdrawal. When you are faced with conflict, or you feel angry or inadequate, you may retreat into silence to process, avoid saying something hurtful, or even escape unpleasant feelings for a time.  But for the woman in your life, your withdrawal typically generates more anxious emotions.  As one woman explained the feeling, “I know it sounds crazy, but I really do subconsciously wonder, ‘What happens if he doesn’t snap out of it this time?’”  Guys: before you get some cave time, tell her “I’m angry and need some space, but I want you to know: we’re okay.”

3. Silence. Women have a radar for unspoken conflict. So when you are quieter than usual, it’s easy to jump to conclusions – even if those conclusions might be wrong. As one woman described it, “If he’s quiet, it must be me.”  Guys: if you’re sitting in silence because you’re pondering the blowup at work, your parents’ health, or that awful turnover in the game Saturday, tell her.  Better yet: talk to her about it.  (“I’m not mad, don’t worry. I’m just concerned about work.  Joe said something about this one client….”)

4. Her emotional bank account is depleted.   Maybe she’s exhausted, or you’ve been absent a lot. Maybe the two of you have unresolved conflicts. Whatever the case (and even if it has nothing to do with you), concerns about your relationship will be more easily triggered if her emotional reserves are low.  Ask her about her feelings, listen with interest as she shares, give her a big hug and tell her how special she is to you.  That will help fill her emotional bank account right back up again!

Do you want Shaunti to share life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking, here.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

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My ADD son is checking out in school

Dear Shaunti,

My 6th-grade son is discouraged in school and I’m worried he’s starting to check out.  He tries hard, but he has some learning issues (like ADD) that create real academic challenges.  Where his sisters get A’s with little effort, he can work for hours and get B’s and C’s on his tests.  And the teachers are great, but they don’t seem to know how to handle his ADD.  He is constantly getting detentions for disrupting class because he’s tapping a pen on a desk or shuffling his feet, or noisily playing with gum wrappers.  He has always wanted to do well, and has had a habit of working diligently every day, but now he’s showing signs of settling for becoming the class clown instead.  What do I do?

-Worried and wondering

Dear Worried –

Ack!  You are totally right to be concerned, and as the mom of an ADD-with-learning-challenges son myself, everything in me just wants to jump through this computer screen and give you a hug.  I’m in no way a specialist, but here are three key things I’ve seen in the research – and then I strongly suggest you seek out the advice and support of someone who is a specialist!

First, although this applies to girls as well, it is especially critical to know about boys: if they don’t feel that they can succeed, they stop trying.  I’ve spent 12 years researching boys and men in many national surveys, and this is a common denominator.  If a guy feels inadequate, like a failure, or even likely to be inadequate or a failure, he shuts down.  As one teenage boy told me, “If you try and try and can’t make it, you feel like an idiot after a while.  It’s like being stabbed in the eye over and over again.  So pretty soon it feels a whole lot better to just not try.”

The good news is that you can help your son see that there is something he is successful at right now: the stellar work ethic he has built.  As you work to get your son help, he needs to know that you believe in him and that you are just as proud of the effort he is putting in as the results right now.  Praise him every time you see him put in those diligent study sessions, and let him know that in the years to come, most employers will be far more excited about a man who works hard and cares about his job, than about a man who got A+ grades throughout his school years.

Second, you need to know that most schools are designed for how girls learn, rather than how boys learn.  For several hundred years prior to the industrial revolution, childhood learning was a combination of classroom teaching and hands-on apprenticeship.    No longer.  Today’s sit-still-and-listen learning model is perfectly designed for the female brain … and almost guaranteed to create problems for boy brains, which need movement and hands-on action to stimulate their learning centers.  To compound the problem, primary and middle schools are usually run and staffed mostly by women, who may not realize that a boy’s physical movement (tapping pens, and the like), could actually be a reflexive effort to stimulate his brain’s learning.  If that is the case with your son, detentions will only needlessly discourage him and cause him to shut down his academic interest even more.  Of course, it is possible that your son is being truly disruptive, and those detentions are deserved – but you need to investigate the situation to find out.

Thankfully, there are a lot of resources now on boy-brain learning.  I strongly suggest the book, The Minds of Boys by Michael Gurion. His work is widely respected and used in schools nationwide, to train teachers and administrators on what will both help and hurt a boy’s ability and willingness to learn. These resources discuss many outlets for physical movement that won’t disrupt the class, such as allowing a boy (or girl, for that matter) to squeeze a stress ball or stand in the back of the room to take notes.

Third, I know everyone has different opinions on the issue of ADD medications, but it is unequivocally true that certain clinical aspects of certain types of ADD cannot be fully addressed with changes in diet or behavior.  For example, without medication, my son’s working memory (which allows his brain to retain what he’s hearing until it is placed in longer-term memory), is in the 1 percentile.  It was life-changing to discover the right medication, and see him light up because he could retain information and didn’t feel stupid anymore.  I don’t know what your son’s particular ADD issues are but (if you haven’t already) it might be worth it to ask your pediatrician to investigate the clinical options as well.

Bottom line: It is absolutely essential to build your son up to believe that he can succeed – and set it up so that he can.   As you praise him for his efforts, let him know that you’ll be working with the school to remove some of the roadblocks in his way. Then approach your school to discuss this. Don’t let it go. If you are in a public school, you almost certainly have the ability to insist on an individualized learning plan for your child.  And believe me… teachers and administrators want to encourage a child who wants to learn.  But with hundreds of other kids to look after, a parent almost certainly needs to be the one to take the initiative to politely suggest and work toward some solutions that will keep him wanting to learn.

Do you want Shaunti to share life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking, here.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

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Believing the Best Isn’t Letting Him Off the Hook

Dear Shaunti,

In one of your books, you say it’s important to believe the best of your spouse’s intentions.  But all that does is give your spouse license to hurt you again and again without consequences.  Who cares what their intentions are, if the result is pain?  My husband says things that are harsh to me and the kids, and then tells me “I never wanted to hurt your feelings.”  Well, who cares that you didn’t want to!  You did.  And to me, it seems like if you didn’t want to, you wouldn’t!  So why should I let him off the hook, when doing so will free him up to just hurt me again?

 – Hurt and Tired of It

Dear Hurt –

First, I’m so sorry to hear of the pain you’re dealing with. It sounds like the story of so many people I’ve talked to.

But second, many of those people I talked to started out exactly where you are, and ended up with radically wonderful marriages.  And when I started investigating what they did differently to get there, guess what the number one change was?  They decided to believe the best of their spouse’s intentions toward them, even when they were legitimately hurt.  In other words, it is not me who is giving you that advice: it is them.  It is people who used to be standing exactly where you are.

Let me give you an example that might show why this matters so much.  One woman whose marriage used to be really troubled told me she used to believe many of the same things you did.  Then she realized she needed to do something differently or her kids would end up in a broken home.  She explained, “Up until then, I perfectly fit that definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.”

She said, “My counselor said we were caught in a cycle of negativity, and the next time I was upset I should look for a more generous explanation about his motives.  So that night, I decided to start over.  I texted him to tell him I was making his favorite lasagna – something I hadn’t done in ages.  He said he’d be home at 7:00 pm.  And then, as usual, he was really late.  Almost an hour.  I was steaming mad and assumed he just didn’t care enough to get home on time.  But I had promised to look for a more generous explanation.  So I held my fire and said ‘Hard day?’  And he started sharing about how difficult this one customer was, and how he couldn’t get out the door.  And it was clear he was just waiting for me to start yelling at him.”

“Did you?”  I asked.

“No.  I wanted to.  But I forced myself to smile and told myself that it was client demands, not a lack of care, that kept him.  It took everything in me, and it honestly felt fake, but I said, ‘Well, I’m glad you’re home.  I kept the lasagna warm for you.’ And I served him dinner and ate with him like nothing was wrong.  And then it hit me, really strongly: what if nothing was wrong?  What if he truly was trying to care for me, and I was always assuming that he wasn’t? We were having this perfectly normal dinner together simply because I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt.  And I realized: my ability to have this sort of peace all the time, is kind of up to me.”

You might protest that this is unfair.  As one woman indignantly told me, when I shared that story with her, “But that is just letting him off the hook!  All he’s learned is that he can take her for granted!”

No.  I eventually interviewed the husband, too, months down the road.  And he said he learned the opposite.  He said, “I learned that I’m married to an amazing woman.  Even when I’m a bonehead, and don’t handle something right, she has grace with me.  She believes in me.  That makes me want to do better next time, and do whatever I can to not disappoint her again.”

Because he felt he didn’t have to be defensive and protect himself all the time, her husband started to open up.  They were able to talk about the things they did that hurt each other (like her feeling that his being late signaled that he just didn’t care) and try to make changes.  But it started with one person’s willingness to not assume the worst of the other – and then keep it up over months as they tried to get on a better path.

If you assume that your man’s motives are to hurt you, I fear that you’ll never get to that place.  You’ll be so apt to assume that he will always take advantage of you, that that is all you’ll see. You won’t see the man who loves you, even though, statistically, he almost certainly does.

Yes, you can and should question how your husband handles something. At some other non-emotional time, you can share the harsh phrases that hurt your feelings.  But don’t assume the worst of why your husband sometimes does it wrong.  In other words, be sure to say, “But I know you love me and the kids and I don’t think you realize how much this hurts in the moment.”

As you deal with your very understandable hurt feelings, consider breaking the cycle.  Don’t continue to fit the definition of insanity.  Choose to look for the best… and you’ll very likely see that he becomes willing to break the cycle with you.

Do you want Shaunti to share life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking, here.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

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Guys wonder: do compliments really matter? Three things your wife is secretly thinking:

“Am I beautiful?”  You may think your wife is beautiful, adorable, sexy, and you love to look at her.  And yet…. she probably sees all her flaws instead.  She has deep doubts about whether she is beautiful at all.  Little girls will spin in a pretty dress, asking “Daddy, am I pretty?”  And guys, your confident, grown-up wife is still that little girl inside. 


“Am I beautiful… to him?”  Today, your confident, grown-up wife is still looking to the most important man in her life for a signal of whether she’s beautiful.   Only now that man is you.  Our For Men Only research discovered that 77% of women age 45 and younger have a deep need to know that their man finds them beautiful.  It says something to her about whether she is special, lovely and loved.  Your words of affirmation, of how adorable you find her, fill a very important need.


“After 20 years of marriage and two kids, do I still rock your world?”  When she comes downstairs in an outfit and asks “How do I look?” she’s not usually asking a technical question.  So the answer she’s looking for is not, “Fine.”  She’s asking: In a world filled with Cosmo models and sultry women just a click away, do you still find me attractive? She’s asking, When I can no longer fit into my honeymoon bikini, can I still turn your head?  So the next time you see her coming down the stairs all decked out, don’t wait for her to ask.  Do a double take, give her a big smile, and say “Honey, you look stunning.” That will make the little girl inside very, very happy.

Do you want Shaunti to share life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking, here.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

The post Guys wonder: do compliments really matter? Three things your wife is secretly thinking: appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Diamond Disappointment: If the ring is cheap, does it mean his feelings are too?

Dear Shaunti,

The day my boyfriend asked me to marry him was one of the happiest days of my life. He went all out: perfect location, meaningful words, and down on one knee with a lovely ring. At the time, I wouldn’t have changed a thing. But now, just a few months before the wedding, my ring has become a source of stress. I’d honestly like something bigger, with a bit more style. My fiancé says we don’t have that kind of money, but he doesn’t seem to have a problem buying fancy accessories for his car. I’m worried that his lack of “splurging” on my ring means that he just doesn’t prioritize what matters to me – which means he doesn’t prioritize me.  What do I do with that?  I’m willing to forego eating out or whatever we need to do to upgrade my ring, but he’s not budging on the budget.

Bummed over Bling

Dear Bummed,

It sounds like you need a news flash way more than you need flashier bling: People can and usually do have different spending priorities without it meaning anything about their feelings toward each other.

You are looking at what he spends on car accessories – instead of your ring –as evidence that he doesn’t “prioritize you.”  And sure, okay, maybe your fiancé is just a jerk who doesn’t care enough about you.  In which case you need to call off the wedding, flick the small diamond ring back in his face, and forget every meaningful word he said when he asked you to marry him.

But maybe he’s not a jerk who doesn’t care.  Maybe he loves you deeply.  And maybe he loves you deeply and has a reason why he bought those car accessories.  Perhaps he’d been saving for them for two years but bought you that diamond ring instead, and promised himself that when he saved another $1000 he would upgrade the car a bit.  Maybe every single day for the last two years, driving the non-upgraded car, he would daydream about the day he had asked you to marry him.  That glorious day that demonstrated you loved him, too.

Until, of course, you started demonstrating the opposite by questioning whether a lack of bling meant a lack of love.

Seriously?

I strongly suggest that you shake off the visions of more sparkly diamonds and get your head straight before you get married.  You have to decide whether you are going to believe the best of your man – or the worst.  Because I promise you: marriage will give you plenty of opportunities to wonder, to question, to wrestle with hurt feelings.  And when those questions and hurt feelings come, you’d better be prepared to tell yourself one very, very important fact: I know he loves me, and this doesn’t mean otherwise.  

When I was researching the happiest couples, I found that this one action set them apart – and changed their relationships from so-so to sensational. When these spouses are legitimately hurt, they refuse to believe that their mates intended to hurt them, and they look for the most generous explanation instead.  They give their mate the benefit of the doubt.   They have disagreements, bad days, grumpy periods, and selfish episodes like anyone else.  Which means there are times they can be callous and insensitive to each other. But they don’t let those things define what they know to be true about the other person’s care for them.

I suggest you take a page from that book.  It doesn’t mean you can’t discuss saving for an upgraded ring, or trying to help him see how much it matters to you.  By all means, do that.  Talk to him about it.  Work toward a solution that works for both of you.  But do it in a way that believes he cares.    And no matter what, before you get married, decide that you will choose to always believe in and keep your eyes on the real prize: his great love for you.

Do you want Shaunti to share life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking, here.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

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Your husband wants sex? 3 things he’s not saying out loud

Welcome to the weekly list at Ask Shaunti! Each Wednesday, join me as I share a few of the little, eye-opening things about men, women, and relationships that make a big difference in marriages and families.

Your husband wants sex? 3 things he’s not saying out loud:

1. “I need to feel desirable.”  We women may think sex is just a physical need for a guy, but that’s not most of what is going on. When his wife responds to him – or initiates it herself! – it meets a deep emotional need to feel that his wife desires him.

2. “I love you and want to be closer to you.”  We women want to feel close outside the bedroom in order to feel close inside the bedroom.  But for many men, when they feel tension in the air, when there’s distance, when they know something’s just not right… they miss their wife.  For a man’s biological chemistry, in fact, sex is one of the only times that his brain releases oxytocin, the bonding hormone, which brings a great feeling of closeness with someone.  When he reaches for you, you may think, I cannot believe he would want sex now, when we’re at odds / fighting /distant. But instead, realize: he’s reaching for you in order to get back that feeling of closeness with you that he is longing for.

3. “I’m really vulnerable right now.”  Because sex is more of an emotional need than a physical one for him, many men in my research told me there is no time more insecure, scary and vulnerable than when they approach their wives in that way.  They are essentially laying their “desirability” and their heart out in front of you and asking, “what do you think of me?”  Without realizing it, when we are tired or just not in the mood, it is easy to brush him off in a way that cuts that vulnerable heart deeply.  Now, just to be clear, this doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t have a say in the matter!  Of course, there will be times we simply aren’t able to respond.  But when that happens, it is even more critical that we show him how much we care, how much we love him, and (with a saucy wink) that we need to make a date for another night!

Do you want Shaunti to share life-changing truths – including helping women understand men – at your event, church service or network? .