Shaunti Feldhahn's Blog, page 63
October 19, 2015
When Talking Politics with your Mate, Disarm and Listen
Dear Shaunti,
I can’t wait until the presidential election is over. My husband and I were on the same page politically until a few months ago, but are now very divided. I literally can’t skim past a cable news channel without my husband trying to force me into a discussion about a political issue.
He’s trying to “convert” me to his viewpoints, I won’t budge, and it’s driving him crazy. We never used to argue but now we seem to argue all the time. He gets mad that I don’t want to indulge him. Also, we’ve raised our teenagers to believe certain things that my husband now feels differently about, so I’ve asked him to leave them out of the conversation so we’re not taking turns telling them why the other parent is wrong. But he’s constantly challenging their views, too. Fortunately, they politely listen and go on with their lives and they’re more concerned right now with their music and iPhones.
I don’t agree with a lot of my husband’s views but he’s a grown-up and I respect his choices. Why can’t he respect mine? How do I keep the peace and let him know I don’t want to fight about politics anymore? I’m about to explode, and when I do it won’t be pretty!
-Moving to Canada
Dear Moving to Canada,
Don’t buy a plane ticket; I don’t think a place exists where you can escape American politics. And don’t explode, either. If your husband thinks you’re wrong about everything, blowing up might serve as the “proof” he’s looking for.
Yes, it can be hard to have calm discussions about politics, when it brings up such emotional, weighty issues. Political beliefs are tied up with other values that are far more important to us than any one political outcome. Which means you might want to seriously reconsider your assumption about what is going on.
You say your husband is always trying to launch a conversation about politics, and that he wants you to indulge him. I wonder if your husband respects your views (much more than you think), knows he’s changed and is in a different place than you –and is feeling a little lost. Which could be creating a compulsion to talk things through with someone he DOES respect. From the little you shared, it sounds like his previous beliefs may not have been firmly rooted. And if so, he could easily be in the sort of crisis of belief that usually happens when kids realize they can hold different views from their parents. Just like a teenager makes strong statements as a way of testing out beliefs — and to process them with a parent — it is at least possible that your husband is doing the same thing with you.
Overall, it sounds like you two are arguing because he wants to talk and your reaction is to immediately shut down the discussion. But if you’re your mate’s best friend, why wouldn’t he want to discuss his views with you? Perhaps he wants to see that you’ll listen and talk without judging or labeling him. So why not try that? In my research with the happiest couples, one thing they clearly do differently is believe the best of the other person’s intentions –even when there are real irritations. So try believing that he truly wants a conversation and is not simply trying to convince you of how wrong you are. (“He’s not trying to anger me, he just wants to talk.”)
Don’t get me wrong: I’m not suggesting that you overlook it if the way he’s talking is inappropriate or aggressive. It’s a good idea to have boundaries that say, for example, “Honey, I just can’t handle it when your voice rises; it makes me feel anxious and insecure.” The key is helping him understand under what conditions you will be willing to talk.
Because if you don’t talk, you may be pushing him away right when he most needs you. He may feel that if he can’t be honest and vulnerable about this, he can’t be honest and vulnerable about other things that are even more important. And eventually, he will stop talking to you about it. But if some of the things he believes contradict your values, wouldn’t you prefer he works through his thoughts with you, rather than with random people at the office? Chances are, he’s discussing it elsewhere also, but don’t you want to be the main person he talks to? Especially if there’s a chance to help steer him back towards what you believe to be true?
Just as with a teenager, it will matter if you continue to share why you believe what you do — and let him do the same. Be willing to listen and swap ideas without emotionally assaulting or rejecting him. If he’s going to be willing to reconsider his new beliefs and perhaps re-embrace his old ones, it’s a lot more likely if you guys are talking than if you aren’t.
Do you want Shaunti to share life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking, here.
Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
This article was first published at Patheos.
The post When Talking Politics with your Mate, Disarm and Listen appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.
October 13, 2015
Kick Those Other Gals Out of His Head
Dear Shaunti,
I recently heard you speak at a conference, and I just finished reading Through a Man’s Eyes . I thought I’d be feeling better about my husband working so hard to avert his eyes when he sees another attractive woman, but I’m still struggling big-time.
When I catch my husband looking sideways, I instantly spiral down. Worry and sadness overtake me and ruin our date night. The beach used to be my favorite place, but now it’s impossible to enjoy it because I’m constantly worrying that he’s feasting his eyes on the women in bikinis. I hate that I’m the “crazy lady” and that I’m not able to handle this appropriately. How can I go out with my husband and not obsess about the other women there, knowing he may be checking them out? I know he works hard at capturing his thoughts and for the most part has overcome that temptation in his life. He says when he looks at another woman it’s not a sexual thing…but if I notice him fighting the urge to look, it makes the entire time awkward. What do I do to get past this?
-Worried Wife
Dear Worried,
Take a look at what you wrote carefully, and you’ll realize you already have the answer: In one sentence you worry he is feasting his eyes, in another you say you know he works hard to capture his thoughts and has overcome that temptation. Re-read the latter. Then re-read it again. Then choose to believe it.
It sounds like your husband cares about you. He may not be perfect, but he cares, and he is trying to honor you. So as he tries to capture his thoughts, you have to capture yours. Which means shutting those worries down when they whisper but what if he’s feasting his eyes on all those bikinis? Tell yourself what you know to be true instead: that he works hard to honor you and has overcome the temptation.
Look, I know it is difficult. You are not the only woman whose insides have knotted up when realizing how visual guys are and how often they fight to only have eyes for you. When I did my For Men Only survey of women, 73% said they would be deeply hurt to find that their husband had thoughts or images of others. You’re not alone!
But you’re also not alone in something else. Sometimes, wives who feel so paralyzed by this reality have something deeper going on. Maybe your husband is not telling you that he thinks you’re beautiful — and he should be. Or maybe he is, and you’re not believing that either.
Or perhaps you truly aren’t understanding the biology behind the male brain. Go back and read that chapter in Through A Man’s Eyes and remember that men’s visual brains can’t not be visually stimulated by visually stimulating sights. You could be a supermodel, and the sight of that hot babe in the spaghetti straps would still be visually stimulating, even if your man doesn’t want it to be. Even the most honorable of men have the same fight your husband does. For example, when a man sees the eye magnet, he might look away, bounce his eyes, or replace the sight of that woman in his mind’s eye with the mental image of his wife!
And the men I’ve surveyed tell me that this discipline becomes easier the more they make it a habit — and as their wives support them.
So, in addition to urging you to take your worried thoughts captive, I have a question for you.
Your husband sounds like he’s fighting off temptation. Have you stepped out of your comfort zone to help him? I know it might feel awkward or a bit scary, but have you given him mental images of you to enjoy? It might feel awkward, but have you perhaps asked him what kind of lingerie he likes? Or offered to leave the lights on when you’re being physically intimate? Have you tried giving him a wink when you are out together and flirting with him about what will happen later that night?
If you’re not in that habit, that might feel awkward! But just like he has to do the work to push those thoughts of other women out of his head and focus on you, you might have to take a deep breath and dive into deep water, too!
If you give your husband some images of you to dwell on, then those Polaroid shots of the other gals might get pushed right out of his brain! And when one of those intrusive thoughts does arise, he’ll be even better able to replace them with thoughts of your intimate times together.
Wouldn’t it be a huge relief to know that he’s not fighting the battle alone, and that you are LITERALLY beating back the other chicks fighting for his attention?
So do your best to start working on it, instead of worrying on it.
If this is really something you can’t get past, then it may be time to seek help from a qualified counselor. Your marriage is worth it.
Our husbands’ temptations are not our fault, and yet it is terrific to know we have a role to play to help them! I’m hoping you’ll take a step forward today — and find it is fun!
Do you want Shaunti to share life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking, here.
Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
This article was first published at Patheos.
The post Kick Those Other Gals Out of His Head appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.
October 8, 2015
A sneak peek of my next book – and I need your help!
I’m really excited to give you a sneak peek of my next book and ask for your help (see below).
The Next Book and How it Happened
Here’s the amazing backstory. Many of you know that in January, as a fun New Year’s initiative we issued the 30-Day Kindness Challenge on social media and it EXPLODED. So many people tried to get involved that it crashed our server! That morning, everyone saw a huge need for this — and not just in marriages but in our whole culture. But what most people don’t know is that at noon that same day I “happened” to be scheduled for a major call with my publisher to discuss “what is Shaunti’s next book?” And I’d been really anxious about it. Because after months of thinking, brainstorming, praying, and discussing ideas with Jeff, my team and others, I did not feel an sense of leading from the Lord about any of the book ideas on the list.
So suddenly, here we are putting out this 30-Day Kindness Challenge as just a fun idea…. our server kept crashing, people kept wanting to sign up … and a member of my prayer team emailed one line: “Maybe this should be your next book.” And it clicked: This feels right. This cannot be a coincidence. I never would have thought about doing a book and research study on this, but this is absolutely what needs to happen. And when I started the call with my publisher, I said “Let me set aside the list of book ideas we were supposed to talk about, and tell you what happened this morning.” He said that the moment I said the words “The 30 Day Kindness Challenge” – before he heard anything else — he instantly felt a sense of leading, too.
So we started doing test groups, doing more research, and decided that yes, this is my next book! It is basically an application of a lot of the research that I’ve done over the years in one simple package. Below this blog are the three things we challenge everyone to do with their spouse or significant other during 30 days, and which we have seen to make a truly amazing, life-changing difference – starting 10 years ago when Nancy Leigh Demoss gave me the initial starting point ideas for the Challenge in the first place!
We Need Your Help – To Test 30 Days of Kindness in ANY Relationship That Needs It!
But here’s the next thing we need to test: romantic relationships aren’t the only need. Intentionality, kindness, and positivity can transform all SORTS of relationships. In one church testing the regular 30-Day Kindness Challenge, some single folks informally did the Challenge too. One woman had a troubled relationship with her daughter’s fiance. She did the 30-Day Kindness Challenge for him and it tremendously improved their relationship. Another woman described having a lot of strife with her boss, but 30 days later the environment was dramatically different. You get the idea – there are so many other needs in our culture today.
I also feel a real sense of purpose because of the timing: it is coming out New Year’s 2017, immediately after a presidential election that is almost sure to see even more divisiveness, confrontation, and unkindness than usual. Our country, our culture, our relationships will need to heal. I feel like we can be a part of that healing. But we need to know more about how non-romantic relationships can be affected by the Challenge.
So here’s our request for you: would anybody be interested in being a part of a test group to informally test the 30-Day Kindness Challenge with someone other than a spouse or significant other? Do you want a better relationship with your co-worker? Your in-laws? Your neighbor, your kids, your siblings… ? Email us at cniziol@shaunti.com – we’d love to include you in this group and get your feedback to be part of the next book.
The post A sneak peek of my next book – and I need your help! appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.
October 7, 2015
Realistic Tips for Reeling Him Back In
Dear Shaunti,
My husband and I have been married 22 years and I love him, but we’ve been arguing a lot lately. We both work a lot and have two children busy with extracurricular activities, so we spend a good bit of time apart. I tend to be a control freak and, as my husband says, I freak out if something doesn’t go the way I think it should go. My husband is outgoing, can talk to anyone, and everyone calls him for help or advice. Now a woman has been calling him. He says they are just friends but I feel their relationship is closer. I don’t believe he is having an affair but that he feels the need for an escape from me, the kids, work and his life. I’m checking his phone, calling him, asking where he is, who he is with and who he is talking to. He says he loves me and wants to be with me, but he is getting to the point where he can’t handle this any longer. He says if I don’t back off and give him space he is going to leave. I’m driving him away and feel I’m losing my mind. I don’t understand why I’m so insecure. What do you think, and what should I do?
Sincerely,
Losing My Love
Dear Losing,
It always amazes me how easily we push people away by trying to hang onto them. It’s a vicious and maddening cycle, but you can get out of it.
You asked what I think. The primary thing I think is that you need advice and help from a qualified counselor – fast. And I mean help for you, not just your marriage. To some degree, the insecurity you’re feeling is understandable… but you’re at the point that you may be bringing about the very problems you fear. You need qualified help to work through that insecurity and ask God for wisdom about when there is or isn’t an issue worth being concerned about. And when there isn’t, you need to learn the skill of taking your thoughts captive. As the Bible puts it, a huge part of confronting problems in this broken world means that “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” (You can find that in 2 Corinthians 10:5.)
But I also think you need some perspective. Let me share just a few things I discovered from researching men and women and what makes a great relationship.
First, you’ve got to solve your lack of togetherness. When you have kids, work and crazy schedules, it’s just too easy to lead separate lives, become distant, and find your friendship with each other weakening. And when friendship and closeness wanes, so does trust and indulgence for each other’s foibles. Resentment can grow – and so can the desire to be close with someone, whether that means the kids, the friends at work, or that person who is flirting with you in the other department. So as I detailed in another recent column, it is crucial to spend time together just hanging out and rebuilding your friendship.
Second, in my research, the happiest couples clearly made a deliberate decision to believe the best about each other’s intentions. Do you believe your husband cares for you? If so, it’s time to start acting like it. Your unusual level of control and effort to keep tabs on your man (even though you think he’s not having an affair) is a signal to him (and you) that you believe the worst of him, not the best. I also wonder if your husband tries to reach out to you and do things for you to show you love, and you reject him because he doesn’t do exactly what you’d like him to do, exactly when you’d like him to do it. You can only be rejected so many times before the effort starts to seem like a waste. The more you send the message that his best isn’t good enough, the less he’s going to give of himself. The less you trust him, the more you’re going to suspect that his every move is nefarious. The more often you reject him, the less he’s going to stick his neck out for you. It’s a vicious cycle, and you can break it!
Third, there are a few absolutely crucial things about your man’s inner needs that you probably don’t understand, and that you need to learn. Quickly. Perhaps most important, in For Women Only I explain that the “control” you describe is actually far more dangerous for the relationship, emotionally, than just signaling a waste of your husband’s effort. That type of control is essentially telling him that he’s incompetent and inadequate, which are by far a man’s most painful feelings. And escaping those painful feelings in favor of interactions with people who do think he’s adequate (such as all these people that come to him for advice) may be the main impetus behind his desire to “escape.” So focus on creating a home that he would never want to escape! Men light up when they think people admire, appreciate, trust and respect them. If you want to not only keep your marriage, but make it thrive, he needs to see that you are his biggest admirer.
I’m grateful you wrote in, which shows that you already have the most important factor for success: the will to learn and change. It will require being purposeful and probably breaking years of habits, but I promise: it will be worth it!
Do you want Shaunti to share life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking, here.
Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
This article first appeared at Patheos.
The post Realistic Tips for Reeling Him Back In appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.
September 28, 2015
Join me on an amazing cruise – limited time offer!
And as of today, there are extra savings available in on board credit up to $600 when you book by September 30.
Jeff and I are speaking, and John Waller and Todd Agnew doing the music (one of my favorite songs is John’s “While I’m waiting”… wow.). We’re also being joined by Bobby and Rachel Taylor; Rachel is the daughter of the late Keith Green, one of Jeff’s favorite Christian musicians of all time. We’ve got a FANTASTIC itinerary, including the Caymans, where I’ve never been and always wanted to go.
Jeff and I would truly love for you guys to join us, but we’re nervous the ship is filling up so fast and we want to make sure we protect as many rooms as possible for our group! So to get the best onboard credit, book by Sept 30. (If you can’t quite book by then, try to book by October 15 if at all possible.)
Can’t wait!
– Shaunti
The post Join me on an amazing cruise – limited time offer! appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.
September 24, 2015
Amazing Sketchnotes of my talk at the D6 Conference
Check out these amazing sketchnotes of my talk at the D6 Conference, drawn by The Sketch Effect!
The post Amazing Sketchnotes of my talk at the D6 Conference appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.
September 22, 2015
Time to Hang up the Hurt, Hang out Together, and Hang On
Dear Shaunti,
My husband and I have been married for 20 years. I still care for my husband, but for the most part, I avoid him. I find him difficult to be around. I really don’t enjoy his company. I have felt hurt, disrespected and uncared for so many times that I have up some serious walls that I don’t know how to tear down. I have prayed for God to help me change, but I don’t see much progress. I know we have a lot of communication problems, but I feel powerless to change them. I have tried counseling, but my husband refuses to go. I’m not even sure why I’m writing, honestly. It feels hopeless.
Sincerely,
Going it Solo
Dear Going it Solo,
The fact that you wrote in tells me one very important thing: it’s not hopeless. You still care. There’s something in you that knows miracles still happen and wants a miracle to happen. And where there’s hope, where even one spouse wants a change, there can be change.
But right now, there are two big truths to confront.
First, here’s the thing about avoiding your spouse: the more you do it, the easier it gets, and the harder it is to reconnect.
Picture what happens when you’re in, say, a really fantastic small group from church, with really tight friends… and then one of the friends moves away. You can stay in touch and try to stay “as close as ever,” but it usually doesn’t work out that way. You’re still friends, but you don’t share the closeness you used to. Life – and miles – gets in the way.
The same thing happens to a husband and wife who aren’t up-close and personal anymore.
In my research about what makes happy couples, ninety percent of the happy couples I surveyed said they spent quite a bit of time together. Hanging out (even if it means via email or text sometimes!) is one of those simple little things that fosters closeness – and without which, closeness just doesn’t happen. The happiest couples don’t necessarily do extravagant date nights, they simply go shopping together, go for walks together, or even just sit and have coffee in the mornings before work while reading the newspaper and maybe mentioning here and there the things they’re reading. On the flip side of that, only 35% of the struggling couples I talked to said they hung out at least twice a week.
Think about your best girlfriend. I’m guessing the reason she’s your best girlfriend is because you hang out and talk a lot, right? And you wouldn’t be best pals if you rarely interacted, right? Certainly not if you avoided each other!
You see where I’m going with this, I’m sure.
It’s time to start making time to be with your husband. One counselor I know suggests literally just making time for thirty minutes of hanging out and talking each day, with no arguing allowed. She says “You can start fighting again thirty minutes later if you want, but for that time simply don’t deal with the conflict stuff. Just be friends again.” Build your friendship, and the feelings of closeness will follow.
But there’s a second truth to confront as well: dealing with your hurt in a healthy way is essential. You don’t deserve to feel hurt and disrespected, and “building your friendship” might sound good in theory – but it is hard to be friends with someone who you feel doesn’t care about you.
So this is where you need to enlist help. From both a qualified counselor and positive, encouraging friends who will support not just you but your marriage. You need help and guidance because you’re confused. Because you don’t know the next steps. And because if you’re feeling hurt, it is highly likely that he is too. The stuff that hurts you looms large, and needs to be addressed – but have you thought through what looms large for him? Maybe you shutting down has hurt him deeply. Maybe you don’t realize it, but he has felt like a complete failure as a husband for a long time and has (as is common for men) shut down all affection as a result.
Now, he could be a complete failure as a husband, for all I know – but it is highly unlikely that he’s a jerk who doesn’t care. He probably cares about you deeply. Statistically, most husbands (and wives) intensely care about their spouse. They just don’t always know how to show it correctly. And because we’re all imperfect people, that most likely applies to not only him – but to you.
All of which is why you need help. Sure, he should be willing to go to counseling – but even if he won’t right now, you can. It is absolutely critical that you go to a counselor who is not only licensed and experienced, but one that is committed to helping to restore your marriage. And you need someone capable of guiding you through this, who can help you to see the best in each other again. (One way of doing that is called the 30-Day Kindness Challenge. Take a look at it and strongly consider doing it.) Because it would be such a tragedy if two people who did care about each other fell apart simply because both had been trying hard in the wrong areas and didn’t realize it, or hurting each other without really intending to. Both people would be feeling hurt, disconnected, and uncared for. Both would be feeling like “I’m trying so hard, but my spouse isn’t.” Both would be feeling powerless.
Sound familiar?
It will take work to restore your marriage, and you will need help doing it, but as you get to know your husband all over again you’ll realize that you can reconnect again, and you’ll see that it is worth it to try.
Do you want Shaunti to share life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking, here.
Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
This article was first published at Patheos.
The post Time to Hang up the Hurt, Hang out Together, and Hang On appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.
September 14, 2015
My Kids Are Freaked Out About the Shemitah
Dear Shaunti,
I was driving my 16-year-old daughter home from volleyball practice recently when she brought up a funny comment made by one of the guys she knows at school. Then she said, “Anna said he told her he was going to ask me to Homecoming.” I was thrilled she was sharing something like that, since she’s been pretty tight-lipped the last year. And also thrilled for her, since she’s never been asked to a school dance before, and I know it would mean a lot to her. So I smiled at her and said “Wow, that is fantastic, honey!” I promise that’s all I said. But you would have thought I had shot off fireworks or something, because my daughter got this horrified look on her face and said, “I knew you’d freak out if I told you. That’s why I don’t tell you anything!” But I did not overreact, and I’m a little irritated that she says this is why she can’t talk to me. What do I do?
– Baffled Mom
Dear Baffled,
You showed an inkling of emotion in front of your teen? How dare you, Mom! If there is one thing we’ve learned over and over in our research it’s that almost any sort of emotional reaction can send teens into a tizzy. Ironically, this is precisely because they are the ones who are trying to deal with all sorts of emotions and they can’t handle ours too. In other words: anything other than a polite, ultra-calm listening face risks being seen as an overreaction.
As unfair as that seems to be, there’s good news here. In research from our national survey for my book, For Parents Only, 75% of teens indicated, “If I knew my parents wouldn’t freak out, I would really like to share certain things with them.” Statistically, it is highly likely that your daughter is thinking the same. So use subtle cues to signal “tell me more.” Listen calmly, with little visible emotion. A smile instead of a Starbucks-jacked, “Wow, that’s exciting!” An inquisitive eyebrow raised or a calm murmur to indicate, “Then what happened?” Or perhaps say, “That’s interesting,” instead of, “Oh my gosh! Then what happened?” If you feel yourself having any “bigger” reaction (whether negative or positive), try if at all possible to wait until you can share it very evenly.
Sure, there will be times when you have strong reactions, and yes, you’re the parent so there will be times when it would be entirely appropriate to show significant displeasure as part of discipline, for example. But constantly keep in mind: what is my big-picture goal here? If you ultimately want your daughter to feel able to share her life with you, then there will be at least some cases where you decide to pull back on the emotion (not the action or the discipline), in order to not shut down lines of communication with your child. I love the verse in Proverbs (Proverbs 15:1) that says, “A gentle response defuses anger, but a sharp tongue kindles a temper-fire.”
The most amazing thing we heard from teens and tweens was that if you can make a concerted effort to listen ultra-calmly — no matter how much you might be “freaking out” on the inside — you’ll hear so much more from your child. And honestly, these are the years that it is so important to show yourself to be a “safe” listener; someone who she feels able to talk to. Ultimately, you can’t make her share, but showing that you are there for her and that she can trust your reactions will make it much more likely that she will feel like confiding in you during the very years she needs you the most.
Do you want Shaunti to share life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking, here.
Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
This article first appeared at Patheos.
The post My Kids Are Freaked Out About the Shemitah appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.
September 8, 2015
Play It Subtle When Talking With Teens
Dear Shaunti,
I was driving my 16-year-old daughter home from volleyball practice recently when she brought up a funny comment made by one of the guys she knows at school. Then she said, “Anna said he told her he was going to ask me to Homecoming.” I was thrilled she was sharing something like that, since she’s been pretty tight-lipped the last year. And also thrilled for her, since she’s never been asked to a school dance before, and I know it would mean a lot to her. So I smiled at her and said “Wow, that is fantastic, honey!” I promise that’s all I said. But you would have thought I had shot off fireworks or something, because my daughter got this horrified look on her face and said, “I knew you’d freak out if I told you. That’s why I don’t tell you anything!” But I did not overreact, and I’m a little irritated that she says this is why she can’t talk to me. What do I do?
– Baffled Mom
Dear Baffled,
You showed an inkling of emotion in front of your teen? How dare you, Mom! If there is one thing we’ve learned over and over in our research it’s that almost any sort of emotional reaction can send teens into a tizzy. Ironically, this is precisely because they are the ones who are trying to deal with all sorts of emotions and they can’t handle ours too. In other words: anything other than a polite, ultra-calm listening face risks being seen as an overreaction.
As unfair as that seems to be, there’s good news here. In research from our national survey for my book, For Parents Only, 75% of teens indicated, “If I knew my parents wouldn’t freak out, I would really like to share certain things with them.” Statistically, it is highly likely that your daughter is thinking the same. So use subtle cues to signal “tell me more.” Listen calmly, with little visible emotion. A smile instead of a Starbucks-jacked, “Wow, that’s exciting!” An inquisitive eyebrow raised or a calm murmur to indicate, “Then what happened?” Or perhaps say, “That’s interesting,” instead of, “Oh my gosh! Then what happened?” If you feel yourself having any “bigger” reaction (whether negative or positive), try if at all possible to wait until you can share it very evenly.
Sure, there will be times when you have strong reactions, and yes, you’re the parent so there will be times when it would be entirely appropriate to show significant displeasure as part of discipline, for example. But constantly keep in mind: what is my big-picture goal here? If you ultimately want your daughter to feel able to share her life with you, then there will be at least some cases where you decide to pull back on the emotion (not the action or the discipline), in order to not shut down lines of communication with your child. I love the verse in Proverbs (Proverbs 15:1) that says, “A gentle response defuses anger, but a sharp tongue kindles a temper-fire.”
The most amazing thing we heard from teens and tweens was that if you can make a concerted effort to listen ultra-calmly — no matter how much you might be “freaking out” on the inside — you’ll hear so much more from your child. And honestly, these are the years that it is so important to show yourself to be a “safe” listener; someone who she feels able to talk to. Ultimately, you can’t make her share, but showing that you are there for her and that she can trust your reactions will make it much more likely that she will feel like confiding in you during the very years she needs you the most.
Do you want Shaunti to share life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking, here.
Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
This article first appeared at Patheos.
The post Play It Subtle When Talking With Teens appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.
September 3, 2015
Getting Over the Fear of Lingerie
I spend a lot of time talking about lingerie. A lot.
As a speaker and author, most of my job consists of going around the country and encouraging women to do scary things. Like tackle their clutter, or have that hard conversation with their kids.
And for some, the scariest thing I ask them to do is to put on some lingerie.
I would walk into these women’s groups, toss a teddy on the lectern, and extoll the virtues of what I called “Suiting Up”. Putting on some lingerie for your husband, even when, sometimes, you didn’t feel like it.
Because we’ve all read the books. (Well, to be specific, we’ve read For Women Only, Understanding the Inner Lives of Men.) And we know about men and their visual Rolodexes, and how in a good marriage, we women work to give our husbands more images than the world does. We know the fact – and we know that one of the best ways to help our men is to let them see us in lingerie (or out of lingerie, as the case may be.)
And while I was out there challenging all of you to suit up, I admit, I was struggling with this issue myself.
You see, I’m a size 18. On a good day.
I struggle with my weight. (OK, on most days I don’t struggle. The weight feels like it’s won…)
And not only does that affect my size, but let’s just say that there are topographical maps that have less mileage than the stretch marks on my stomach. So yes. I knew that my husband needed to see me in lingerie. The question is, would he want to?
And I’ve heard (or used) every excuse in the book:
It doesn’t come in my size. I’ve seen lingerie come up to a size 6X. I think you’ll be fine.
It’s too expensive. If you can buy it at Target, I think you’ve lost that argument.
What a waste of money. It only stays on for five minutes. And that, my friend, is how you know it’s working.
But my reasoning was beyond excuses, it went into abject terror early in my marriage. Here are the big fears that I dealt with, along with some questions I asked my husband to get the real scoop:
What if he thinks I look ridiculous? When I finally got brave enough to put on lingerie, my husband assured me, the only laughing that would ever come from him would be giggles of delight (along with a “YAY”.)
Is he comparing me to his first wife? (Or the poster of the Angel at Victoria’s Secret at the mall?) Nope. In fact, when I’m in front of him, wearing lingerie, he has made it known that there is nothing else in the world he’s thinking of. Nothing. All his attention is squarely on me.
Then he’ll know that I want sex. He says that this is a very good thing. It makes him feel loved and confident.
Yes – lingerie has been a struggle. But the good news? My brain is winning the lingerie war.
Here are a few things I’ve done to win the battle in my head:
Reading the right books. I need to keep the right thoughts going through my head and reading books like For Women Only and Through a Man’s Eyes help my brain stay in the right space.
Hanging out with the right women. Over my years of talking about lingerie, I’ve seen an interesting phenomenon happen: when a woman gets brave enough to talk about her struggle with lingerie, it’s amazing how other women can circle around her and show support. I’ve been told about several “Lingerie Interventions” where there have been groups of women who have supported each other on trips to get some updated sleep (or non-sleep) wear.
Talking with my husband. Who knew that one of the most powerful ways of fighting my fears was to go to the source? Have an honest conversation with your husband (not in the bedroom…) about what is going through your head. Let him know your fears and then hear the truth from him about how he really feels about you – and your body. Hearing his desire for you should be inspiring enough to make you be a bit braver in the bedroom.
Guest post by Kathi Lipp. Put even more fun in your marriage, for you and your husband, with Kathi’s new book Hot Mama – 12 Secrets to a Sizzling Hot Marriage!
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