Shaunti Feldhahn's Blog, page 58

The One Sneaky Trap That Will Kill Your Marriage

“If I had heard this a few years ago, I wouldn’t be divorced today.”

I can’t tell you how often I have heard that phrase.  Most recently last weekend, after the worship services at a mega church in the Midwest.  The pastor had interviewed me as the sermon on Restoring Hope for Marriage, and asked what my research shows are the most crucial marital actions to do – and to avoid.

Afterward, several people told us they wished they hadn’t had to learn those lessons the hard way.

Here’s one particularly deadly but easily-missed trap that could be present in your marriage right now.  Make sure you look for this snare, dig it up, and trash it before it trashes you: 

Never, ever, ever think your spouse “shouldn’t” be hurt by something that wouldn’t hurt you.

That sounds so mundane.  It isn’t.  It is one of the most common, sneaky reasons marriages fail.

Nearly every one of us has subconsciously thought something like this:

All I did was point out where he wasn’t connecting the TV cables correctly.  I mean, he’s been working on that new setup for an hour and he obviously needed help.  It is ridiculous for that to make him mad. 

Or:

I apologized for being late for dinner again, but she just won’t let it go.  She gets so upset over things that don’t matter.

Those thoughts are so dangerous because they make us blow off the fact that we are legitimately hurting the other person.  Regularly.

We tend to forget that we are different.  More specifically, that men and women are different.  In some ways, in fact, our brains are wired to be the opposite of each other!  I heard one neurologist say that when he reads fMRI scans of male and female brains it is sometimes like looking at two different species.

And although there are always exceptions, our emotional needs, insecurities and hurts diverge as well.

Among men, for example, most guys have a deep, hidden worry that isn’t as big a deal for most women.  Men desperately want to be good at what they do, to make their wives happy, to feel adequate and competent.  But deep inside, a guy will constantly worry that he isn’t adequate.  That he’s one step away from being found out as an imposter.  Here are the internal, underlying feelings of a man.  I’m writing this as if he’s consciously thinking it, but he’s not: there are all totally subconscious until they are triggered:

Do I measure up?  I love my wife so much.  She’s amazing and deserves my very best, but I’m not sure I know how to be the husband she needs. I adore my kids and want to be a great dad to them.  I don’t want to mess up. I want to provide for our family.  I want to give them everything they need, do everything they need, protect them in the way they need… but am I up to the task?  My buddies Gary and Bill seem to have it all together; I wish I was a fix-it guy like Gary and a great dad like Bill.  I don’t want to let my family down. 

So when your man is trying to put together the complicated new television system, and it isn’t going well, he’s feeling like a failure at what he’s trying to do.  Like he doesn’t measure up to others.  It is painful.  And when you come along and point out what he didn’t do correctly in connecting that cable (just trying to help, of course!) you have, without realizing it, just overtly pointed out: yes, you are indeed a failure.  Gary would have done better.

We women don’t think of it that way, of course.  We think our man is super-over-sensitive.

In other words: We think he shouldn’t be hurt by that.  Because it wouldn’t hurt us.

So our man gets mad.  Or he withdraws.  And then we get hurt by that.  Or we huff and get mad because he’s mad.  All because we don’t see his hurt, his wiring, his needs.  Or we don’t see them as legitimate.  So we miss the deep truth.  We roll our eyes at his “ego” and never realize: he doesn’t have an ego.  He has a deep well of self-doubt.

Because we missed the fact that that our actions legitimately caused him pain, because we miss the deep truth underneath it, we do those things again.  We hurt him again.  He gets mad and withdraws again.  Then we get hurt again.

And pretty soon our marriage is hurting. All because of a sneaky trap we never saw.   To prevent this, there’s really just one answer: let’s look for those things that hurt the other person, recognize they are usually legitimate, and work to avoid them.

And of course there are blind spots on both sides.  We will tackle the men’s blind spots in a piece next week!

Wish Shaunti could speak at an event in your area? You can help! Forward this piece or others to a leader at your organization or church, with a note of recommendation. They can reach Shaunti at NDuncan@shaunti.com.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

The post The One Sneaky Trap That Will Kill Your Marriage appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Don’t believe the myth — good news about marriage is still out there!

Hi everyone – I thought you’d want to see this piece from the Washington Post, which is an encouraging sign that more people are busting the 50% divorce rate myth, and that the positive news continues to get out there.  I must admit that for a while I felt like my Good News About Marriage book was a lonely voice crying in the wilderness!  But thankfully many others have also been working through this area of research and seeing that amidst all the very obvious negative numbers there really are encouraging signs.

For those of you who are interested in the data, this piece is a good starting point for divorce rates by different groups.  BUT it also shows how the lack of true divorce rate data makes it all-too-easy for people to misread and spread the bad data – and believe the myth.

In these charts, they show, for example, a percentage of 39% for men in one of the higher-risk groups – those with a high-school diploma or less. Yet I can almost guarantee you that even these very clear and simple charts will be misunderstood and misquoted, I can almost guarantee you.  Why?  Well, if you look closely, these charts do not present the divorce rate. Remember, no one knows the divorce rate!  Instead, these charts present the rate of those divorced and those remarried.  Meaning it includes people whose spouse died and they married again.  Let me say that again: these charts include TWO reasons a marriage could end… divorce AND death!  If you notice the ages, the rates climb as they get older into age 65 and above.  The 39% rate is at 95 years old!!!  Almost certainly meaning “spouse 1 died and the person married spouse 2.”

Looking at the first chart of that higher-risk-group of men with a high-school diploma or less, what do we see before the usual ages of widowhood start?  Let’s look at that same group of men at age 60.  Oh my!  Instead of a 39% rate, those men have only a 25% rate of death-or-divorce!  Huh.  And that is a higher-risk group.  What do we see at age 60 for the less-high-risk-group of those men with a college diploma?   The rate of marriages ending through death or divorce is only about 17%.

Seriously, go through each of these charts.  Look at the rate at age 60 for every single one. And realize how easy it would be to miss the very real good news about marriage.

Everyone: we have to stop being snookered. Our culture will always push us to try to believe the worst.  And yes, the bad news is out there.  A rate of 25% of divorce (what I estimated overall for all first marriages in the book) is still too high!   But that means the vast majority of marriages still last a lifetime.  Thankfully, this is yet another data point showing that good news about marriage is still out there.

Wish Shaunti could speak at an event in your area? You can help! Forward this piece or others to a leader at your organization or church, with a note of recommendation. They can reach Shaunti at NDuncan@shaunti.com.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

The post Don’t believe the myth — good news about marriage is still out there! appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Why I’m Grateful for My Daughter’s First Car Accident

This might sound odd, but I’m really, really grateful for my 16-year-old daughter’s car accident yesterday.

Yes, you read that right.

She got her license a few months ago, and is a careful, conscientious driver.  She’s uncomfortable going five miles per hour over the speed limit.  She also knows we are sacrificing to get her an old car to drive to and from school and sports, regularly says thank you for it, and got a summer job to help pay for it.

In all those ways, she’s mature.

But she’s also just 16. And every adult remembers that feeling of burgeoning confidence we had when we were teenagers and got through the Year of the Learner’s Permit unscathed. When we sailed through the first few months of holding a license.  That subconscious feeling that all those scary videos they showed in Driver’s Ed must have been for other people since, really, we’re pretty good at this driving thing.

Until the first accident.   Which is when each of us learned humility.

My daughter was heading to volleyball practice.  She wasn’t running late.  She wasn’t running out the door and not looking where she was going.  She even looked in her rear-view mirror before backing out of the garage.  And then she proceeded to back down the slight slope and smash directly into my assistant Theresa’s car, parked 20 feet behind her in our driveway.

My daughter’s car was generally OK.  Theresa’s was not.  Hood crumpled up, grille smashed in, bolts sheared off.

I was on a conference call when my daughter came running in to my home office, shaking, crying, and horrified.  After running outside and assessing the damage, I pulled her into a huge hug.  Theresa told her she was just glad she was okay, and then, seeing that she was physically fine but emotionally a wreck, prayed for God to bring His peace.

I looked in my daughter’s eyes and told her that every parent knows from experience that there will probably be a first accident at some point.  That moment, often, when the new driver is at fault, or doesn’t react quickly enough to someone else’s fault, and crashes.  I told her every parent prays for the first accident to be minor.  For that lesson of humility to be learned in as safe a way as possible.

This could have been out on the road, I told her.  It could have involved you being miles from home, standing in the blistering heat, waiting for police to arrive.  It could have involved you being badly hurt. Or you hurting someone else.  In Jeff’s first accident, at age 16, he totaled the brand-new car his parents had spent years saving for.  In the first accident of one of my high school friends, she badly injured both herself and the other driver’s child.  Slippery roadways are have no mercy or grace for teenage inexperience.

How grateful I am that God’s does. As I stood there, with my shaking daughter in my arms, I thanked Him for giving my daughter this hard lesson of humility in our driveway.  While I was home.  With a friend’s car.

I’m sure there will be other hard lessons.  But I’m oddly thankful for this one.

Wish Shaunti could speak at an event in your area? You can help! Forward this piece or others to a leader at your organization or church, with a note of recommendation. They can reach Shaunti at NDuncan@shaunti.com.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

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Will My Man Love Me Even When I Act Unlovable?

Several people have passed along this hilarious GIF – but have also wondered why it strikes such a chord to see a little girl’s ugly tantrum and the caption “I need a man who loves me even when I act like this.”  In fact, in a recent column, I explained to men (based on my For Men Only research) why this is a subconscious but very real hope of many women.

And several men have told me they are understandably alarmed by those expectations.  I think it would be instructive for every woman to virtually listen in on my conversation with one man who was walking by when I had that GIF open on my laptop.  Because his comments were very representative of what I’ve heard from many men.  We women may hope and expect our men to love us even when we’re at our worst – but we also need to know that most men aren’t thinking about it like we are.  

Listen in:

Me: (Showing him the GIF) “What do you think when you see this?”  

Him: (Raising his eyebrows) “That girl is never going to get a husband.  She is crazy.  And someone would be crazy to expect that.”

Me:  “What if she is already married? What if her thought is, ‘I need my man to love me even when I act like this’?”

Him: (Chuckling) “My wife does, that’s for sure.   A lot of wives do that and we still love them.  We just hang on and hope it doesn’t happen very often.”  

Me: “Do guys realize that a woman is sometimes insecure about her husband’s love?  So without realizing it, a woman may sort of test her husband because she subconsciously feels, ‘If he loves me when I’m like this, then that shows that he really does love me?’  In other words… would you ever see those times as an opportunity to show your wife just how much you love her?”

Him: (Looking completely puzzled) “No.  We would never think that.  Because you love the person you tolerate the BS and you just try to get through it.  Just get through the chaos and the next episode is hopefully a long way away. [Pause.]  But do women really think like that?”  

Me:  “Well, not consciously, at all.  If it happens, it is subconscious.  And it isn’t everyone.  But lots of women secretly hope that when we’re really upset, our man will move forward and give us a hug anyway.   If he will somehow show us love even when we’re at our worst, then it says we must be worth loving, you know?”

Him:  (Looking indignant) “That makes no sense.  If someone is acting like a spoiled child, it doesn’t matter whether it is your wife or anyone else: giving in to that is the worst thing you can do. You don’t want to encourage that person, because they’ll just do it more.  No, no way.  I do love my wife, so when those times happen I just try to get through it.  But it would be wrong to encourage it by being particularly loving or sweet.”

Moral of this interview?  Ladies, we can explain to our man what I did in that column: that we need the reassurance that comes when he is actively loving or sweet when we’re at our worst.  We can hope he realizes, over time, that the more he does that, the less he will see the “worst!”  But we also need to realize something, too: a man may have a very different view, and that is okay.   Neither view is right or wrong.  If we want a great relationship, we each have to learn each other. Which means we may need to see that, for our man, just “getting through it” is a key way of showing his love.

Wish Shaunti could speak at an event in your area? You can help! Forward this piece or others to a leader at your organization or church, with a note of recommendation. They can reach Shaunti at NDuncan@shaunti.com.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This post first appeared at Patheos.

The post Will My Man Love Me Even When I Act Unlovable? appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

3 Reasons Your Wife Plays Games Instead of Telling You What She Wants

Not long ago, someone we know got engaged via a multi-stage, elaborate proposal that had clearly taken an immense amount of thought and effort.  A mutual friend, upon hearing the story, told him, “Good job.  Only 9,999,999 tests left to go.”  The lucky groom, of course, wondered: why do women “test” and “play games” with their men at all?  He said, “She wouldn’t just tell me she wanted me to come up with something big like that.  She said, ‘Whatever you want’ but I suspected that she didn’t really mean it.  I wish she would have just told me.  But at least I got it right this time.”

Guys, there are 3 key reasons your wife wants you to figure out what she wants, rather than just telling you. (These aren’t my opinion, but are the results of years of research and nationally representative surveys of women for For Men Only.) I know these may seem absolutely crazy, but once you realize the truth of these factors – and learn to see and respond to them — you’ve truly cracked the code.  Those things that probably most confuse you about women won’t confuse you anymore.  

So read closely – and if you don’t think these three reasons could possibly be true, ask your wife!

Reason #1:  If you make the effort to figure it out, it means she’s worth the effort.

You know how you look confident, but on the inside you privately worry whether you measure up?   Well your wife has a different private worry: somewhere deep inside, every day, she wonders whether she is worth loving.  Whether she matters.  Whether she is lovable.  

That question never goes away (just like you probably never get to a point that you feel as confident as you look). So each day, she’s looking for your signals as to the answer to that question.  When you say “I love you” it signals that she is lovable.  It reassures her that she must be worth loving, when you, this amazing man, make an effort to think through and understand why she might be upset rather than making her simply tell you.    For example, it reassures her that she’s special, when you study her enough to know that she is completely frazzled and that it would mean a lot if you offered to take the kids so she can rest – without her having to tell you that.

Reason #2: If you figure it out and do something about it, it shows that you care.  

You think it is the action that matters – which is why you wish she would just tell you what action she wants.  Do you want me to take the kids to the park so you can rest?  Do you want me to take you out to a quiet dinner for your birthday, or have a get-together with friends?  While you’re upset with me right now, do you want me to apologize or leave you alone?  

In the midst of those conundrums you’re probably thinking, “Just tell me what to do, and I’ll do it!”  But always remember that the “doing” isn’t always the most crucial thing.  What matters to her is the fact that you made the effort to figure out what matters to her.  It shows she is worth that effort (see Reason #1) and – even more important – it shows that you care enough about her to make that effort for her.

Reason #3: If she has to tell you, she’ll never know whether you did it because you wanted to, or simply because she told you to.

Guys, we women don’t realize that you want to do those things that will make us happy.  In other words, because of that secret “am I loveable” insecurity, we subconsciously may not believe that you want to “do” things for us because you care about us.  

So when we tell you what we want you to do, and you do it, we honestly, truly don’t know whether you are doing it because you really wanted to –or just because you are putting up with us and doing it because we asked you to.  

So men, here’s the bottom line: practice studying your wife.  Don’t roll your eyes whenever you see what feels like a test. (As you can imagine, that makes her self-doubt worse!)  Instead, use it as an opportunity to show her that she is someone who is loveable – and loved.  And if you build up that certainty in her, you’ll see those tests a lot less often.

Wish Shaunti could speak at an event in your area? You can help! Forward this piece or others to a leader at your organization or church, with a note of recommendation. They can reach Shaunti at NDuncan@shaunti.com.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This post first appeared on Patheos.

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2 Things to Do if You Want Your Teen to Talk to You

“How was school?”

(Shrug.)  “Fine.”

“What did you do?”

“Nothin’.”

If this sounds familiar, join the club!   Not only do I have two teenagers, but I’ve interviewed and surveyed about 3,000 of them for For Parents Only and other books, and discovered that the condition homo teenagesapiens silenticus (otherwise known as “being a teenager who is uninformatively silent”) affects many members of the adolescent species.  Often, when we most want them to share!

But I’ve also discovered that there is a way to crack open the floodgate of words.  Actually, there are lots of ways… more than we can cover here.  But two crucial tactics make a huge difference, overall.   Without these, it will be harder for any other efforts to work.  With these, you have a much greater chance of hearing what’s in your child’s heart over time.

1. No matter how aloof your teens seem to be, force yourself to remember that they want you to be part of their lives – and do the work to get there. The kids told me they secretly wanted their parents to be a part of their world.  They would never say that out loud, of course!  But almost all (94%) said that if they could wave a magic wand, the perfect situation would be one in which their parents actively worked to be involved with them.

I heard hundreds of examples of what that could look like – anything from regularly texting about their day, to a willingness to play video games (“especially when I know gaming isn’t really my mom’s thing!”) – but there was a clear common denominator: we need to reach out to them.  We must insert ourselves into their life, their world, their way of doing things, rather than expecting them to jump into ours. If your 13-year-old daughter communicates with her friends primarily via social media apps and text, then make a point of reaching out to her that way.   If your 17-year-old son always has on a pair of headphones, listening to music, ask him to let you know when he gets to one of his favorite songs so you can listen in.

Even if you have a difficult relationship right now, those efforts can pay big dividends later.  One teenage boy described years of poor life choices and how his parents always showed they were there for him, no matter what.  As a result, he realized, “I need my parents. I need their assurance, their backup, their support.”  He also realized something else I heard from many kids, “[And] because they’ve been there, I can talk with them about anything.”

2. No matter what you hear from your child: remain completely, utterly calm.   Our kids often self-censor the “real” things they might otherwise share, depending on what they expect of our reaction. There’s a very real twitchiness about whether Mom or Dad will freak out.  And “freaking out,” by the way, included not just a parent’s negative reactions, but energetically positive ones.  So while cheering her great shot on goal is fine, excitedly saying “What an awesome idea!” about her plans to organize a picnic before prom is not.

In other words: freaking out is any obvious display of emotion during a conversation.

Thus, one of the most crucial tools in your “how to get your kid to talk” toolbox is your ultra-calm demeanor.  No matter what you hear from your daughter about her best friend driving drunk, or from your son about how cruel the basketball coach was to him, keep your voice level and your facial expressions in the “politely interested” to “politely concerned” range.  No one expects us to be robots.  But if you can keep “politely concerned” on your face (even though you want to rage about the coach instead), your son is far more likely to share about what happens at practice tomorrow.  And the next day.  And pretty soon, you’ve built a habit between you, of him sharing more and more of what is going on. Because he knows what to expect from you and that it‘s safe to share.

We want our kids to share with us.  And on their side, they want to share.  Try those two tactics, and see how it creates a win-win for everyone.

Wish Shaunti could speak at an event in your area? You can help! Forward this piece or others to a leader at your organization or church, with a note of recommendation. They can reach Shaunti at NDuncan@shaunti.com.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

The post 2 Things to Do if You Want Your Teen to Talk to You appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Want a Great Marriage? Ask yourself this sneakily important question!

Whether you want to improve a difficult marriage or celebrate a great one, I’ve seen in all the research — especially for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages — that one of the best possible things you can do is to ask yourself: How did I meet my spouse and fall in love to begin with?

You may think that sounds a bit nuts: how could that make a difference?  It turns out, that one little action is powerful in two big ways.

First, when you think back to how you met your spouse, and all the things you fell in love with early on, it acts like a time machine.  You are taking yourself back to those days before kids and jobs and finances and life got in the way and looking at the two of you anew.  You are reminding yourself of all those things you appreciated back then.  Maybe you loved how silly he was.  Maybe you adored her sense of adventure.

Today, years later, you may be irritated by how those very same things play out.  For example, you may prefer seriousness and stability when you have a mortgage to pay or meetings to be on time to.  But as you go back in your time machine, you remember how you loved those traits then.  Maybe you even realize: silliness and spontaneity can still be good things!  As you look back you’ll find that much of what you fell in love with can and should be celebrated today.  As you look back, you’ll relive the good memories and realize it is worth fighting to keep them.  As you look back, you’ll remember the days of camaraderie and hope and get a fresh determination to regain it – even if many years have passed and you are very different people today who have to relearn each other and fall in love all over again.

The other reason why the “How did I meet my spouse?” question is powerful, is that suddenly your eyes are opened to a much bigger, eternal perspective: you suddenly see all the ways God had to work for you to meet your spouse and be ready for a relationship.   I loved this article by my friend Jim Daly, President of Focus on the Family about his own unexpected path to marriage and how he sees all the things God had to arrange things for him to ever meet his wife Jean.

It got me thinking about all the many, many things God had to arrange for me to meet Jeff.  And, really, what God had to arrange for any spouse to meet his or her mate!

As you recognize that God’s hand is and was clearly evident in connecting you with your spouse, you are reminded there must be something bigger about your marriage: your loving Father brought the two of you together, so He has a lifelong plan and a purpose!  One that is for your good and for His purposes in the world.   The Creator of the universe looked down through history and connected the two of you.  Really take that in, and you’ll get the sense of awe and gratitude that all of us should have anyway, but which is all too easy to lose.

Want a great marriage?  Get out your memory time machine, go back, and watch God at work.  Then bring that sense of awe, gratitude, love and appreciation, back to the present day.

Wish Shaunti could speak at an event in your area? You can help! Forward this piece or others to a leader at your organization or church, with a note of recommendation. They can reach Shaunti at NDuncan@shaunti.com.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

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3 reasons why you should initiate sex with your husband

Although this article is for women, I’m sure some astonished men are looking in, and asking, “What do you mean why you should initiate sex?!”   To guys, the answer is completely obvious!  It reminds me of that line from the movie City Slickers when Billy Crystal’s character tells his friend, “Women need a reason to have sex.  Men just need a place.”

So ladies – why?

Well, the most “obvious” reason is the one guys are thinking of: pleasure!  And women think of that too, of course!  But I’ve been researching men and women with thousands of surveys for years now, and it is clear that, statistically, although that reason is front and center for most men, it is often not front-of-mind for the busy, tired, distracted wife and mom.  In our research about women for For Men Only, in fact, we found that the vast majority of women simply aren’t thinking about sex (and thus the pleasure of sex) all the time, the way most men are.   So sex just doesn’t happen as much as it might otherwise.

Which is quite a shame when you think about it!

So ladies, here are three other reasons to get you going:

1. The more you have sex, the more you’ll be thinking about having sex. 

It’s all about testosterone.  We women have testosterone, too, just not as much as men. And neurologists and other research scientists have found that if you get out of the habit of having sex, your testosterone levels drop and you want it less.  But if you have sex at least once a week, your testosterone levels rise and you actually want it more.  Although there are certainly exceptions, men’s higher T-levels are why they tend to be thinking about and wanting sex more than their wives.

So if you’re the one with the lower desire, you can improve your libido simply by having sex once a week or more.

Try it!  You’ll like it!

2. When you initiate sex, it deeply comforts and affirms your husband. 

We women have no clue how much self-doubt men carry around all day.  Am I any good at what I do?  Does my wife think I’m a good husband?  Is my colleague going to figure out that I’m making this up as I go along?  Do I measure up as a man?  As a dad?   Men are far more emotionally vulnerable than we realize.

And I was stunned, when I studied men for For Women Only and my other books, to discover that a man’s most emotionally vulnerable time is when he approaches his wife for intimacy.  A man feels like he is shakily extending out his unprotected heart, not knowing whether she will tenderly embrace it or smack it down.  Certainly, there are also women who feel vulnerable when they are the ones with the higher libido than their husband.  But for the majority of couples, it is the other way around.  So when you respond well to your husband’s vulnerable heart, it is deeply comforting.  (“She thinks I do measure up.”) 

But now go one step further: if you are the one who reaches out now and then, he is not only comforted… he is flying.   As one man told me – laughing, but completely in earnest – “The thought is, ‘Not only does she think I measure up – she thinks I’m a stud!’  You have no idea how much that affirms a guy.  I may feel like a total imposter in life, but if my wife wants me I can handle anything.”

3. An affirmed husband is a loving husband.  

I know we women don’t want to only focus on “what’s in it for me”… but let’s get real about this: what’s in it for us is pretty amazing.  When your husband feels desired sexually, he feels like you’re saying he is a good husband, a good dad, a good man.  Every day, your man sees so clearly all the ways he doesn’t measure up to what you need – and yet by affirming him sexually you are saying he’s a good man, anyway.  He feels like you are saying, sure, he will make mistakes at times, but you’re on his side no matter what.

And as a result, he is so grateful for you.  A man who is secure that you love and appreciate him will run through fire for you.  He will be softer.  More loving.  More caring.  Because he is more secure.  And seriously: who doesn’t want a more loving, caring, attentive husband?

Now, sadly, there are always exceptions to this.  There are going to be marriages where it doesn’t work out that way.  But statistically, those are truly exceptions.  In most cases, a husband who knows his wife wants him, wants most of all to be the man she will always need.

Wish Shaunti could speak at an event in your area? You can help! Forward this piece or others to a leader at your organization or church, with a note of recommendation. They can reach Shaunti at NDuncan@shaunti.com.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

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3 things to do when your kid rolls her eyes at you

Not that this ever happens.  But every now and then our kids (girls and boys) might perhaps display a little attitude. Perhaps it’s an eye roll, a derisive tone, a sudden disrespectful temper.  Whatever it is, it’s almost guaranteed to make a parent’s head explode.

We of course never did this.  Ever. We were perfect darlings.

We can’t imagine where they get it from.

And yet we still have to address it.  Because (in all seriousness), the way we address it will either help our kids learn how to control their less-than-healthy attitudes –or give them license to develop even worse ones.  Ones that don’t just drive parents nuts but which can wreck their school friendships… work habits… marriages.

So based on the research with 3,000 teens and pre-teens for For Parents Only and several of my other books, here are three actions to take whenever you see or hear an attitude:

1. Fight disrespect with respect.  It is essential that we model the behavior we are looking for, rather than mirror the behavior we’re seeing.  The teens told me parents had zero credibility to address their kids’ attitudes when they are doing so with an attitude of their own!  Yes, we certainly have every right to demand compliance regardless of how we ourselves behave– but what we most want is a heart shift.  For the kid to recognize that their disrespect is hurtful and wrong, and there is another way.  Personal confession: I still do this wrong all too often, but what the research has shown me is that if I can pause to get a grip on my own temper, I am far more likely to address my kids’ unhealthy words and actions in a healthy way.

2. Point it out and request a do-over.  It is amazing how often kids don’t realize the depth of contempt in their tone, or that their body language screams disdain.   So make a habit of drawing attention to it when you see it.  Don’t go overboard – the kids said they stopped listening if they heard the same thing 20 times in one day – but simply say something like, “When you say something in that tone, you may not realize it, but what you’re saying is, ‘You’re an idiot, Mom.’”  Make sure you use a calm, matter-of-fact voice.  Then ask them to repeat their statement in a more polite way, without the body language, poor tone, and eye-rolls.  You may have to try this a couple of times if they are in an emotional state, but over time they will get the hang of it.  And if they know they will be asked to repeat themselves more calmly and politely, they will soon start self-regulating to be more calm and polite with you.

3. Address the insecurity under the attitude.  Our research discovered that attitudes are like a flashing red warning light – a signal to parents to look at what might be underneath the attitude. Very often, derision or anger shows that this is a kid who simply isn’t feeling very good about herself or himself right now.  Maybe she’s feeling unloved and rejected by friends at school.  Maybe he’s feeling stupid and inadequate because he’s getting poor grades.    In their pain, kids will often subconsciously lash out with poor words and actions in the one place they hope to be shown “You are loved /believed in even at your worst.”   Don’t tolerate the disrespect but also address what is under it.  For example, make sure she is given the opportunity to see that she is loved by friends, or that he is given help to overcome his feeling of inadequacy in school.   Once they feel more secure in themselves, you’ll see those attitudes a lot less often.

Wish Shaunti could speak at an event in your area? You can help! Forward this piece or others to a leader at your organization or church, with a note of recommendation. They can reach Shaunti at NDuncan@shaunti.com.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

The post 3 things to do when your kid rolls her eyes at you appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Women: Why what you do today matters even if you don’t feel like it

Women: Why what you do today matters even if you don’t feel like it

Guest post by Jennifer Rothschild

She greeted me when I walked into the cafeteria on Parents’ Day.  Our oldest son was a freshman in college and this was the first time after dropping him off that we’d been back to visit. We’d met faculty, his resident director and lots of his new friends. So when this woman greeted me, I asked, “Tell me who you are?”

She hesitated. I wondered if I should know her? I imagine she looked down and saw my white cane and realized I couldn’t see her, and that’s probably why she answered in a voice as warm and inviting as dark hot chocolate, “Oh, Ma’am. I’m nobody. I just clean tables.”

“You are not a nobody! You are not just a table cleaner!” I told her. “I’m Jennifer. What’s your name?” She laughed and told me. I thought, Nobody is a nobody!

Nobody is just a table cleaner. Or just a mom. Or just a clerk or just a CPA or just a…anything! But we often find ourselves in places or seasons of life where we feel like a nobody. We don’t realize we matter and what we do matters.

But, girl, everything you do matters because women have incredible influence!

Here are three reasons why what you do today matters, even if you don’t feel like it.

1. You Are Setting the Tone

Because women tend to be more intuitive, we have an uncanny ability to read the tone in a room. Women can walk in and know immediately that something is wrong or sense a hostile undertow.

But, just as a woman can sense the tone of a situation, she can also set the tone. A smile, well-chosen words or wisely timed silence can change the entire atmosphere. Whether you know it or not, you are like a thermostat when it comes to setting the tone. What you do, what you say, how you respond — all set the tone in your home or office.

So, ask yourself, if I’m a thermostat, what is the temperature I’m setting? Is it warmth and acceptance? Is it positivity and peace? Then, stand up tall sister, chin up, and realize that you what you do today matters because you are setting the tone wherever you are.

2. You Are Sending a Message

Women say so much even before we open our mouths! Like sonar, we transmit approval or judgment, love or rejection, positivity or negativity.

Throughout the day, you are sending these messages to everyone around you. When you are at the store for a quick errand and the cashier is not helping with the quick part of the errand, what message are you sending? Or, when your husband or children don’t fold the laundry just like you would have done it, what message are you sending? No matter if it’s at work, home or in-between, are you saying, “You are valuable”? Or, instead, are you saying, “You don’t matter”?

Just as we can be purposeful in how we set the tone, we can be purposeful to send messages that convey the value of each person who crosses our path. Now, those seemingly meaningless moments matter, right?!

3. You Are Shaping the Future

Women don’t just touch runny noses on chubby faces. Women don’t just touch computer keyboards, cash registers or blood pressure cuffs. Women touch eternity.

Everything you do can make an eternal impact on someone’s life and in our world. Are you teaching a classroom full of students? You are shaping the future. Are you leading a team of professionals to complete a big project? You are shaping the future. Are you at home surrounded by toys and kids? You, my friend, are shaping the future.

It may seem like the daily tasks are just that – tasks. But, the reality is that each day, each moment, you have the opportunity to touch lives and make an eternal impact.

No matter what you do, sister, you matter and what you do today matters. So, next time you feel like a nobody, remember, you are the somebody God wants to use to set a tone of love and acceptance, send messages of truth and shape the future for good.

Jennifer

P.S. Do you know a woman in ministry who is setting a tone of love, sending messages of truth and shaping the future for good? Nominate her for the womensministry.net 40 Under 40 campaign! We are celebrating 40 women under the age of 40 who are outstanding leaders, and we’d love for you to join us. Learn more at womensministry.net/40under40.

Jennifer Rothschild is a recovering perfectionist who has learned to live beyond limits ever since her life drastically changed at the age of fifteen, when she lost her sight. Now, more than 30 years later, she boldly and compassionately teaches women how to find contentment, walk with endurance and celebrate the ordinary.

As a speaker and author, Jennifer travels internationally, offering fresh, grounded, Biblical truth to audiences who, like her, are determined to pursue healthy and fulfilling lives in spite of their circumstances. She is the founder of womensministry.net where women in ministry leadership are equipped and encouraged, and the author of 12 books, including the best-selling Lessons I Learned in the Dark, and her newest book, Invisible: How You Feel is Not Who You Are. Jennifer and her Dr. Phil live in Springfield, Missouri, and have two sons, Connor and Clayton, and a lovely daughter-in-law, Caroline.

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