Shaunti Feldhahn's Blog, page 48

Love and Laughter: How Humor Can Ease Relationship Tension

Jabbing the key into the ignition, he looks up as she finally open the door to get in the car. He says with irritation, “Hurry up, we’re going to be late!”

She’s fuming, too. “I had to drop everything and look for the missing soccer shirt, remember?”

Silence. Simmering tempers. But then . . . silliness. He sings, “I’m late, I’m late, for a very important date!” — the repetition of an oft-repeated joke in their house.

They look at each other and she laughs, giving that “Are we OK?” head tilt. The corners of his mouth sneak up into a sly smile. The kids are laughing in the backseat — they’ve heard that silly phrase a thousand times before too. Suddenly, everything is okay.

How many times have moments of irritation or feelings of frustration sent your relationship into a tailspin? When people are tired or stressed (or late!) it doesn’t take much for things to escalate into a full-blown argument, right?

But believe it or not, it also doesn’t take much to suddenly make up—and grow even closer.

Our research with 1,000 couples for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages identified a few ways to use humor (and one way NOT to!) to ease tension and create a great relationship with your mate.

Use inside jokes to make an instant connection (or reconnection) with your spouse

Private jokes create a world that is only inhabited by the two of you. They’re reminders of funny experiences you’ve had together and the history you share. Which is essential not only for staying connected day-to-day but also for reconnecting after an argument.

In fact, our research found that 70% of the most happily married couples have ways of signaling “We’re okay” after conflict — a way of telling their mate that they’re sorry they got mad and they want to make up. For some couples it was a certain touch, for others it was a particular look or gesture. But very often it was a reference to a shared inside joke.

70% of the most happily married couples have ways of signaling they’re okay after conflict.
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My favorite was the anonymous, manly-looking man who told me, with an embarrassed grin, that in his marriage, his signal was to come up to his wife and cock his head and meow. (He never shared the backstory behind that one!)

There are as many ways to reconnect as there are couples in this world. But for all of us, humor is one lighthearted way to send a signal that everything’s OK.

Always make sure the humor is kind. 

There is a fine line between joking and teasing. And there’s a difference between teasing that’s all in good fun and teasing that hits a soft spot. As married couples, we’re more vulnerable to our spouses than anyone else in the world—and they are more vulnerable to ours.  You know your mate’s weaknesses, quirks, vanities, and insecurities. Maybe he’s sensitive about his thinning hair or whether he’s any good at changing a diaper. Maybe she’s heard enough short jokes to last a lifetime, or dislikes how loud her voice is.

Always be sensitive to your spouse’s vulnerabilities. Never, ever let your humor cross the line. And they get to decide where that line is! If you do cross it — which you might not realize until it’s too late — apologize immediately and sincerely. Then make a note to never do that again.

Always be sensitive to your spouse’s vulnerabilities. Never, ever let your humor cross the line.
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As much as possible, avoid sarcasm; our research found that it can easily be interpreted as hurtful without you ever realizing it. And this should go without saying, but I’ll say it anyway: humor at the expense of the other person is always a bad thing. If you make fun of anyone, make fun of yourself. Self-deprecating humor can break down walls of anger and conflict.

Bottom line: always keep kindness at the heart of your humor. (To learn how to catch your particular patterns of unkindness that you aren’t aware of, check out The Kindness Challenge.)

Don’t use humor to gloss over or avoid real issues your mate is trying to raise

If your mate is trying to raise a real issue, set the humor aside for a moment and listen. Sometimes joking around is a way of delaying difficult conversations. It can be easy to hide behind jokes to avoid dealing with the nitty-gritty of a serious relationship issue. But that devalues your spouse and the very real issues that affect your marriage. It says, “I don’t care about this issue you’re trying to raise.” Which, to your hurting mate, can wrongly imply, “I don’t care about you.”

For example, let’s suppose he hates being late to church, and she doesn’t seem any urgency to get there on time.  So one day he tries to raise how humiliating it feels to always walk in late to church, and she starts joking about it. (“You’re telling me! Remember that time we were hurrying in during the offering and Brendan accidentally tripped the guy collecting the baskets and spilled cash all over the floor?!”) She may be trying to avoid the difficult conversation (or the difficult truth), but in doing so she is using humor to say “I don’t care about what matters to you.”

If you’ve ever heard the words, “I’m not kidding!” that’s a sign that you’ve pushed your spouse too far. That is when you pause, say “I’m sorry, I was wrong to joke about that. I know this matters to you.” Then take a deep breath, and tell your mate you’re ready to listen. It’s time to be brave, focus in, get real, and address the matter at hand.

Know how to make your partner smile — and do it!

Finally, learn what is guaranteed to elicit a smile from your partner. What is the celebrity impression you do or that goofy dance move that hits the funny bone without being over-the-top or seeming out of touch with the need of the moment? When tensions run high, a random act of silliness can lighten the mood and put things into perspective. A moment of humor can convey: “I love you, let’s get beyond this. In the grand scheme of things, does it really matter?” And when spouses know each other well, they can interpret all of that — even when they’re in public!

When tensions run high, a random act of silliness can help lighten the mood.
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That’s the power of intimacy.

There’s nothing sweeter than shared laughter between friends — even more so between spouses. Use your history and shared memories to create kindhearted humor and let laughter provide the sweetness that can ease otherwise difficult moments in your relationship.

Helping people thrive in life and relationships is Shaunti Feldhahn’s driving passion, supported by her research projects and writing. After starting out with a Harvard graduate degree and experience on Wall Street, her life took an unexpected shift into relationship research. She now is a popular speaker around the world and the author of best-selling books about men, women, and relationships. (Including For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage)

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, demonstrates that kindness is the answer to almost every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post Love and Laughter: How Humor Can Ease Relationship Tension appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Transform Your Relationship With This One Simple Rule

As a child, each of us was told, “You’ve got to learn to think before you speak.” But I’ve seen we need to refine that edict if we want a great marriage: we’ve got to learn to think before we blurt!

If we want a great marriage, we must learn to think before we blurt.
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And it turns out that those of us who happen to be of the female gender need to be particularly mindful of this concept. Why? Well, we already tend to be more verbal than our husbands — but we also tend to process out loud. If we’re not careful, that can trigger an all-too-common problem.

In our research with men, it was clear that one of a man’s most painful feelings comes when he tries to do something (fix the sink, dress the kids, find a new route around construction to the restaurant), and then gets the sense that he’s inadequate: that his wife has examined him and found him wanting.

Yet in our research with women, it was clear that women think things through by talking them through; in other words, they start the process of examination by jumping in and analyzing it verbally.

Women typically think things through by talking them through.
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See the problem? All too often, we women casually throw something out there (“Why’d you go down Main Street? All these stoplights will make us late.”), and we think we’re opening a conversation. After all, another woman would catch the conversational ball and say “Oh, I’m only going to be on Main Street two blocks. There’s a parallel road I’m going to try in a second, and that should be faster.”

But because most men don’t generally process out loud, our man hears what we blurt out — our conversational starting point — and thinks it’s an ending point. He hears: “I’ve thought it through, and decided you’re an idiot for going this way.” In his mind, he was trying his best to get around a challenging situation, and make you happy by getting the two of you to dinner with friends on time — and you’re saying that he utterly failed. He feels inadequate, stupid, and humiliated. So he gets angry (a man’s signal of feeling inadequate) and stops talking.

You notice that he seems a bit upset, and then you get defensive. “For goodness sakes,” you blurt out, in Round Two of trying to explore what is happening, “What did I say? There’s no need to get so oversensitive!”

Great, he thinks, Not only am I stupid for trying to do something nice, but now I’m a jerk for not liking the fact that I’m being made to feel stupid.

At that point he really shuts down. He gets that look on his face. That look that says we probably won’t be having a nice evening together at the restaurant.

We can change this pattern by learning to think before we blurt. It is easy enough in theory, but in practice will require the same attentiveness you put into learning how to think before you spoke as a kid. It means learning those situations where you’ll have a tendency to “throw something out” that could hurt your man’s feelings without ever intending to.

For example, any time you see him do something that seems odd, or foolish, or like a bad choice, instead of just throwing out “why ___?” stop and realize that not only might he have a perfectly good reason, but he’s going to take your opening statement as criticism. And let’s be honest: in a way, he’s right. After all, you wouldn’t be raising it at all if you thought he was on the right track, would you?

So either wait and see what happens (which he will deeply appreciate), or if you truly need to say something, pause and be sure you’re raising it in a way that will limit the chance of being perceived as criticizing him. One good option: start with affirmation, and explain that the reason you’re saying anything is that you are troubled. “Honey, I know you usually avoid this street because of all the stop lights. I’m a bit anxious about being there on time.”

As one man explained it to me, “If you can help me understand the cost to you in this choice I’ve made, it makes me much more willing to be open to suggestions or questions. Because then it isn’t criticism. It is explaining that you’re anxious — and then I can help solve that for you.”

If you want to try to build a different habit, the best method is to practice catching yourself before saying those things that could be seen as negative, and saying affirming things instead. Consider taking the 30-Day Kindness Challenge, which will help you do exactly that!

Practice catching yourself before saying negative things, and say positive things instead.
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We can all probably relate to having blurted out something, and then wished like crazy we could take it back. It will be a huge boon to our marriages to learn how to pause, and handle it in a good way from the beginning!

Helping people thrive in life and relationships is Shaunti Feldhahn’s driving passion, supported by her research projects and writing. After starting out with a Harvard graduate degree and experience on Wall Street, her life took an unexpected shift into relationship research. She now is a popular speaker around the world and the author of best-selling books about men, women, and relationships. (Including For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage)

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, demonstrates that kindness is the answer to almost every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post Transform Your Relationship With This One Simple Rule appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Providing For a Family? It’s About More Than Money

As women’s earning power has changed over the last fifty years, so have marriage dynamics – and having a great relationship means knowing how to handle the new normal. According to a 2013 Pew Research study, among married couples in 1960, just six percent of women earned more than their husbands. Today, the number is 24 percent.

To be sure, in many of those households the income differences are so small that both spouses are essentially contributing equally. But in many others, the wife either earns more by a significant margin or is the only breadwinner.

Ladies, if that is your situation, here’s a vital tip: to the degree that you earn more than he does, you have to show that much more appreciation for him as a husband, as a father, as a man and as a provider. Affirmation is important in every marriage, obviously, but it becomes urgent if you as a woman earn more. It is essential to show by your words and actions how grateful you are for what he does to take care of you and the family, even if that is not just (or not mostly) about money.

Why does this matter so much?

When I did all my research for For Women Only, I was stunned to see thousands of men say that even if their wives fully supported the family, it made no difference to their deep male compulsion to provide. Almost eight in ten men said, essentially, “I still feel like it is my job to provide for the family, and it is painful to feel like I’m not doing a good job at it – or doing it, period.”

I was also stunned to see that the men internally still felt this pain, even if the couple had decided together that it made more sense for (for example) the lawyer wife to work full time while the electrician husband cut back to a part-time schedule to be with the kids. Even though a man could logically decide that this was the best decision for now, his emotions still whispered at him: you’re a failure.

I’ve seen this very personally. When the market crashed and my husband’s business shut down, he suddenly went from years as a high-paid lawyer and entrepreneur to someone who was struggling to pay the mortgage. Then my research and books took off. Suddenly I was traveling and speaking, and it made much more financial sense for him to work as an independent attorney and not go back to a high-demand law firm, so he had the flexibility to be on call for the kids when I was away.

It made more financial sense … but it could have torpedoed our marriage.

Like any man, Jeff was wrestling with a painful sense of inadequacy. If I was a better business man, the business wouldn’t have tanked, and I would be able to take care of my family. I’m not doing my job as a husband. I’m not doing my job as a father.

I assumed he knew that I felt he was an amazing husband and father. I assumed he knew that I believed in him as a businessman. It took me a long time to realize that actually, no, that was the point: he assumed he wasn’t a good husband and father. So it made all the difference for me to look for every opportunity to say – and show – that he was.

Almost certainly, the same is true of your man. Don’t just assume he knows that you appreciate the sacrifice he’s making in staying home with the kids – tell him. Don’t just assume he knows that you think he’s a great dad – tell him how much you love the way he tells the kids silly stories. Don’t just assume he understands that you admire him – tell him how impressed you were with the way he handled that dispute at church. Don’t just assume he grasps just how much you need him. Find ways to tell him that, and multiple ways to affirm him every day. (No surprise: sending that message in the bedroom is one of the best ways to soothe his self-doubt.)

Always keep in the front of your mind that the hidden vulnerabilities of every man are exacerbated inside your man by the nagging belief he’s not providing for you. So make sure you show him all the ways that he is. Because providing and taking care of the family doesn’t just mean money.

Helping people thrive in life and relationships is Shaunti Feldhahn’s driving passion, supported by her research projects and writing. After starting out with a Harvard graduate degree and experience on Wall Street, her life took an unexpected shift into relationship research. She now is a popular speaker around the world and the author of best-selling books about men, women, and relationships. (Including For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage)

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, demonstrates that kindness is the answer to almost every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post Providing For a Family? It’s About More Than Money appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

4 Reasons Parents Need to Be The Boss

It wasn’t really a thing before the title song of the hit comedy series Malcolm in the Middle. But for many years now, the battle cry of the American teenager has been, “You’re not the boss of me!”

Well, actually, dear teenager: yes, yes we are.

And here’s the surprise for every beleaguered parent: No matter how much your teen might resist rules and get enraged at enforcement, they secretly want you to be in charge. And I can prove it to you.

Based on my national surveys of thousands of teenagers, including for my book For Parents Only, here are four secrets every parent must know:

Secret #1: They see your taking charge as a form of love and security.

Parents, I know this might shock you, but your teen sees your taking charge as a form of love and security. So they want it.

Parents, your teen sees your taking charge as a form of love and security.
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In our nationally-representative survey of 15, 16 and 17-year-olds, the teens said they’d never directly tell their parents this — but if given the choice, 77% preferred a parent who would “stay on top of them” over a parent who would basically let them do what they wanted. Behind the very real desire for independence and freedom, teens know they aren’t quite ready for it yet. So they instinctively crave reasonable rules, checkups on homework and for parents to keep emphasizing family time. And if they don’t get it, we found they truly feel abandoned and unloved. As one teen put it, “I have friends at school. I need parents.”

Teens say they have friends at school. At home, they need parents.
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The teens I interviewed said it is their parents’ job “to be the bad guy.” And the teens were usually glad when their parents prevented a compromising situation by putting their foot down. They didn’t necessarily confess it to their parents at the time! But secretly, they were happy to avoid the ensuing quandary.

Secret #2: Teens lose respect for parents who give up on rules to “be a friend.”

A second reason to hold the reins of authority with your teen — if you don’t take charge, your teen will lose respect for you and discount your authority. Ouch. Remember that hit movie, Mean Girls? Amy Poehler plays the mom who tries to be the super-trendy BFF to her daughter Regina. And of course, in the movie her daughter rather hilariously belittles her, mocks her, and treats her with utter contempt.

If you don’t take charge, your teen will lose respect for you and discount your authority.
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The problem is: in real life, it isn’t funny. A teen may never be that overt about their feelings on the outside, but that is often how they feel on the inside. Although a parent might be trying to avoid the pattern of their teenager being frustrated and mad and irritated with them, giving up parental authority to “be a friend” first is not the answer. There’s a time for that when they reach adulthood, but while they are in high school, under your roof, discarding authority to preserve the relationship usually results in the teen discarding the relationship!

By contrast, I loved how one boy on the survey shared that his mom “yelled at my friends because they were being stupid — and they liked it!” Their own moms weren’t that on top of things. They wanted an adult who showed that she cared if they did something stupid!

Secret #3: Even Good Kids Do Stupid Things

A third reason to remain the general in command? Even “good kids” need watchful attention and discipline. In our surveys and focus groups, half the teens interviewed ‘fessed up to multiple wrongdoings of drinking, using drugs, sneaking out, engaging in sexual acts, stealing and driving at ridiculously high speeds. And they all considered themselves “good kids.”

As parents, we need to take our blinders off and look closely at our own “good kids.”

Think about it: our teens’ brains aren’t even fully developed! They aren’t ready to handle full freedom. So even the best kid needs parents to stay watchful, be aware, be involved in their lives and — as one young lady put it — “not be oblivious.”

Secret #4: If Teens Understand the Reason, They Internalize the Rules

Fourth, as you set out with renewed enthusiasm for taking charge, being watchful, and enforcing the rules, remember this: kids appreciate and internalize rules when they understand the reason behind them. “Because I said so” works for pre-schoolers, but for grade-schoolers it is iffy. And by the time the pre-teen and teenage years arrive, the kids intensely want to know the “why” behind the rules…as they should!

Kids appreciate and internalize rules when they understand the reason behind them.
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After all, as a teenager heads through high school they very much need to have figured out that these are good, healthy ways to live — and should want to keep living this way once it is totally up to them! The only way for that to happen is for the kids to internalize the “why” behind the rules for themselves now. We heard many times that a rule with no reason looks like control with no purpose — and is quickly discarded when the teen leaves home.

Thankfully, the research overwhelmingly supported that if parents shared their beliefs, opinions and reasoning, that the kids were far more likely to internalize those rules for the long term — even if they rebelled against them in the short term.

It takes 13 years to become a teen, but only about 5 to leave the teen school years behind. Embrace taking charge now and earn your teen’s respect, while you still can. Give them the love and security they need to thrive. And start the countdown to their adulthood freedom — and yours.

Helping people thrive in life and relationships is Shaunti Feldhahn’s driving passion, supported by her research projects and writing. After starting out with a Harvard graduate degree and experience on Wall Street, her life took an unexpected shift into relationship research. She now is a popular speaker around the world and the author of best-selling books about men, women, and relationships. (Including For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage)

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, demonstrates that kindness is the answer to almost every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post 4 Reasons Parents Need to Be The Boss appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Does Your Kid Make You Feel Like You Can Do Nothing Right?

(a special guest post by Debbie Hitchcock)

Last week I felt like everything I did for one of my kids was met with sarcasm, frustration, or anger. The typical jokes we had between us, the acts of kindness I did, and every time I seemed to open my mouth it was met with a snarl of “you never…” or “you always…” I couldn’t win.

Having had four kids under my roof, I’ve learned to try different things to get to the root of the issue. This time was no different.

I fixed a special breakfast one morning. No change.

A special treat from the grocery store. No change.

I tried talking about it. More anger.

Going for a walk with him. Good conversation about the weather and general topics — but no change.

And then I decided to wait.

I didn’t totally avoid him (after all, we were living in the same house), but I did my thing and he did his. I didn’t go out of my way to seek resolution. (After all, I had already tried that and it hadn’t worked). So I waited.

If he needed something, he had to come to me.

And I continued to wait. (Difficult for me as a mom who wants to solve the problem now.)

One evening as the two of us were together standing in the kitchen with no one else home, the words came tumbling out of his mouth. He shared his fears and his assumptions about how I was handling a situation.

I listened — I mean really listened.

The words kept coming as if pent up emotion had been there for years — and in all reality it had. A feeling he had almost a decade before had been triggered by a choice I had made two weeks earlier. My son had tied that feeling of 10 years ago to a situation I was facing today. As a result he was making assumptions. Assumptions that I was responding the same way I had all those years ago.

And he was angry, frustrated, and filled with fear.

A-ha! Now I knew what was troubling him.

Rather than tell my side of the story, which is where my true now I can fix-it nature likes to go. Thankfully I paused long enough to know what I should really do in moments like this.

I empathized. I apologized for what he experienced earlier. I made sure that he felt heard and affirmed.

Then I asked a critical question. “I know you were hurt years ago, and I know that the decision I made this time feels the same way to you, and I’m sorry. Would it be okay if I share why I think this time is different from last time?”

Notice that I asked permission to talk.

What I’ve learned is that when there is a disconnect between two people, asking their permission to tell them how you see the situation differently creates two things — an acknowledgement that you heard them and an understanding that you want to create a “safe” place for them.

If my son had said no to my question, I would have honored that and ended the conversation with something like “I know that this has been difficult for you and I respect that. I do feel like the situation today is very different from what you experienced in the past. When you are ready to talk about it let me know and I’ll share how I see things now.”

Thankfully my son agreed to let me share what I was thinking about the current circumstances. Once he was able to hear my heart, the climate changed between us. The sarcasm, the frustration, and the anger seem to be gone. Mutual respect has re-entered our relationship because we now understand each other’s reasons for our choices and behavior.

Without the empathy and respect piece, we don’t create safety for the other person in the relationship. This derails our conversations and keeps us from getting to the root cause. Instead we typically try to justify or at least explain our side of the story which makes thing unsafe for the other person.

I’ll admit that typically I’m terrible about making sure I validate the other person. I just want to fix the problem and move on. However, we need to remember that conflict resolved well (with empathy, validation, and safety), creates a more intimate relationship.

I’ve given my son permission to give me a cue when I head down the path of justifying my actions before I’ve made sure he has been heard. It’s humbling to see how many times I get it wrong. That said, I want to grow in my relationships with others–especially with my kids.

Proverbs 19:11

A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.

Dare you to look at how you respond when your kids seems frustrated or angry at you.  Empathize, validate, and create safety to mend and create a more fulfilling relationship.

Debbie Hitchcock is co-author of With All Due Respect: 40 Days to a More Fulfilling Relationship with Your Teens & Tweens (Thomas Nelson, 2016). She is a trainer, speaker, and parenting coach at Greater Impact Ministries, Inc. and blogs at DebbieHitchcock.com. Debbie and her husband, Dave, have been married since 1978, and they have four grown children.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

The post Does Your Kid Make You Feel Like You Can Do Nothing Right? appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Want a happy marriage? 3 Ways to Nix All Marriage Negativity

There’s a couple I know who just seems to have their act together. They’re a joy to be around and it’s obvious that they genuinely like being around each other, too! No, they’re not perfect (they have kids and jobs and, ahem, they’re human!) but their drama seems to be kept at a minimum. Over coffee one day, I asked my friend what her secret was and you know what she said? She and her husband have an understanding in their marriage: they nip negativity in the bud.

In my research with more than 1,000 couples for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, I discovered that the happiest couples have a very important quality in common: they intentionally keep negativity out of their marriage by choosing what they feel about their spouse. They actually choose to feel positively rather than to dwell on whatever could make them annoyed, angry, or frustrated!

The happiest couples keep negativity out by choosing what they feel about their spouse.
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If you want a similarly happy marriage, here are 3 tips for kicking that negativity to the curb (even when we’re annoyed!):

Tip #1 Choose to stop the negative train of thought

I grew up believing that we don’t choose feelings; they choose us. Our culture would have you believe that if you are angry or annoyed at something your spouse has done, you can choose what you do in response, but you have no choice in how you feel. Not true!

In fact, here is how the highly happy couples do it: they quickly stop a negative train of thought or action and replace unhappy or angry thoughts or actions with positive ones. When your wife accidentally forgets to drop off your dry cleaning (again), you can stop and consider the fact that she had a sick child at home, a furnace repairman knocking at the front door, and dinner on the stove. Or when your husband seems to be tuning out of a conversation at dinner, you can stop and realize he has an important meeting tomorrow with his boss about a possible promotion.

Highly happy couples quickly stop negative thoughts and replace them with positive thoughts.
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Stopping our negative thoughts and rerouting that train is a huge tool in creating happier marriages. Choose to say, “I’m not going there!” and focus on the reasons why you fell in love with your spouse in the first place.

Tip #2 Herd those feelings in the right direction

Picture a sheepdog herding a flock away from danger. It isn’t always easy, but there is mighty power in the simple act of changing direction. If a sheepdog doesn’t take control and herd the sheep in a different direction, they could easily get lost, injured, or killed. Likewise, you can (as one woman put it) “boss your feelings around” and decide which direction you want them to go.

You might find yourself feeling frustrated that your husband wants to watch the game with some friends on the weekend. Now, you would have every right to think (and say!) that you might enjoy a little time away from home too! But during the moment that you’re annoyed, you can turn those thoughts toward how hard your husband has been working overtime on a big project, and how burned out he has been. As you focus your thoughts, you can even herd those feelings into a place where you actually feel happy he has an opportunity to unwind! And once you are in that better place, you’ll be far more able to address with your husband, at the right time and with the right attitude, how glad you are he had fun, and would he mind being with the kids for a few hours one evening so you could meet Sarah for coffee?

Once you make a conscious effort to think on the good and reject the bad, you will find that you feel more positive about yourself, your spouse, and your circumstances.

Make an effort to think on the good & reject the bad and you’ll feel more positive.
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Tip #3 Take the action, and the feelings will follow

Sometimes, changing our feelings requires acting as if something were true…and then you might actually discover it is true. You think your wife doesn’t appreciate you? Act as if she does and you most likely will see evidence of her appreciation. You don’t think your husband can handle the kids while you’re out for a girls’ night? Act as if he can and you most likely will see how happy and secure the kids are when you get home. As one couple I interviewed put it, “We have found that when we act loving, then eventually, wow, we are loving!”

Changing our feelings can require acting as if something is true only to discover it really is.
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We can’t buy into the lie that we are powerless to control our feelings. We have the ability to choose to be positive instead of allowing ourselves to be constantly dissatisfied. Practice “happy” and nix the negative, and watch your marriage go exactly the direction you are steering it!

We can’t buy into the lie that we are powerless to control our feelings.
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Helping people thrive in life and relationships is Shaunti Feldhahn’s driving passion, supported by her research projects and writing. After starting out with a Harvard graduate degree and experience on Wall Street, her life took an unexpected shift into relationship research. She now is a popular speaker around the world and the author of best-selling books about men, women, and relationships. (Including For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage)

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, demonstrates that kindness is the answer to almost every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com; for more.

This post was first published at Patheos.

The post Want a happy marriage? 3 Ways to Nix All Marriage Negativity appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

How to Help Your Son Fight These Three Dangerous Lies

As both a social researcher who has interviewed and surveyed thousands of boys and a mom of a son, I’ve seen three common – and very harmful –things boys tend to believe about themselves. Mom and Dad, keep an eye out, so you can knock down this nonsense whenever it rears its ugly head!

1. “I’m stupid.”  

They may not say it out loud, but this thought is very common among boys. There’s a sneaky reason that boys are far more likely than girls to drop out of high school and avoid college today: without ever intending to, our educational system disproportionately discourages boys.

Boys are much less likely to thrive in today’s “sit still and listen” school environment, in part because boy brains often need movement to learn.  So when wiggly little boys are required by well-intentioned (and mostly female) teachers to sit still, their brains often have a bit more difficulty grasping and retaining information.  Not surprisingly, since they miss things, they then often begin to feel stupid.  And a boy who feels stupid is less likely to continue to try, year after year.  He’s far more likely to let go of the academics that cause that painful feeling, and embrace areas he feels competent or special (sports, video games, being the class clown…).

Yet that process can be stopped and reversed at any point by a determined parent. When I was doing the For Parents Only research and talking to hundreds of teenage boys, I heard story after story of boys whose parents confronted that toxic “I’m stupid” belief early and often.  When parents emphasized ways they knew their sons were smart, the boys began to believe those things for themselves. (Dr. Kathy Koch’s excellent book 8 Great Smarts equips parents with ways to do that.)

2. “I can’t do anything right.”

You may think this isn’t as big of a deal as a boy thinking he’s stupid. In fact, the two thoughts infect and reinforce each other, and we have to confront both in order to shoot down either.

One thing many women don’t see is a hidden worry that burdens many most men: guys desperately want to be competent at what they do, but they also doubt themselves. The heart cry of a guy – whether he is fifteen or fifty – is “Do I measure up?” And your son (like your husband or boyfriend) is looking to the people around him for clues to the answer to that question.

When you applaud the positive, say “I’m proud of you,” and focus on what he’s done well (for example, the good grade after he studied hard) it soothes his real and painful worry that he is inadequate.  But when you make your disappointment clear (perhaps you sigh in exasperation at a bad grade, or immediately jump to what was wrong about how he washed the dishes rather than praising what was done right), it confirms the painful notion that he doesn’t measure up.  And as the “I’m stupid” example above shows, a boy who regularly feels that way will often simply stop trying. Because it is far less painful to not try, than to try and feel like a failure. As one boy described that inner thought, “If I don’t expect too much, I won’t be disappointed.”

Sure, you have to be able to address things that need improvement, but always find things to praise first and foremost. “Thanks so much for washing the dishes. That is such a help.  Sometime, I need to show you how certain dishes need to be soaked first, to get everything off.”

3. “People are always watching and critiquing me.”

It is human nature to think people are thinking and talking about us, when they probably aren’t nearly as focused on us as we think they are. Yet because guys are so attuned to how they do, they are also highly attuned to what people think of how they do. Many of the boys in my research told me they felt like they were under a microscope of judgment all the time – which led them to be even more hair-trigger sensitive about how they were doing.

Parents can do a great service for any child, but especially a boy, by helping them put things in perspective: the average person is probably far more attuned to their own life than to yours. You can try things – new activities, different outfits – without worrying so much.

By teaching them this, your sons learn the incredibly important skill of perseverance; to be okay with learning through failure rather than running from failure.  And then hopefully they’ll experience the rewards – and the confidence – that come from that perseverance.

Many boys do not need this sort of help from a parent, but most do. By confronting toxic thoughts you’ll be setting them up for a very real and very important confidence for their future.

Helping people thrive in life and relationships is Shaunti Feldhahn’s driving passion, supported by her research projects and writing. After starting out with a Harvard graduate degree and experience on Wall Street, her life took an unexpected shift into relationship research. She now is a popular speaker around the world and the author of best-selling books about men, women, and relationships. (Including For Men Only, and the groundbreaking Shaunti Feldhahn.

Motive Matters: Believing the Best of Your Spouse

Dear Shaunti,

In one of your books, you say it’s important to believe the best of your spouse’s intentions. But all that does is give your spouse license to hurt you again and again without consequences. Who cares what their intentions are, if the result is pain?  My husband says things that are harsh to me and the kids, and then tells me “I never wanted to hurt your feelings.” Well, who cares that you didn’t want to! You did. And to me, it seems like if you didn’t want to, you wouldn’t!  So why should I let him off the hook, when doing so will free him up to just hurt me again?

 — Hurt and Tired of It

Dear Hurt –

First, I’m so sorry to hear of the pain you’re dealing with. It sounds like the story of so many people I’ve talked to.

But second, many of those people I talked to started out exactly where you are, and ended up with radically wonderful marriages. And when I started investigating what they did differently to get there, guess what the number one change was?  They decided to believe the best of their spouse’s intentions toward them, even when they were legitimately hurt. In other words, it is not me who is giving you that advice: it is them. It is people who used to be standing exactly where you are.

Let me give you an example that might show why this matters so much. One woman whose marriage used to be really troubled told me she used to believe many of the same things you did. Then she realized she needed to do something differently or her kids would end up in a broken home. She explained, “Up until then, I perfectly fit that definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.”

She said, “My counselor said we were caught in a cycle of negativity, and the next time I was upset I should look for a more generous explanation about his motives. So that night, I decided to start over. I texted him to tell him I was making his favorite lasagna — something I hadn’t done in ages. He said he’d be home at 7:00 pm.  And then, as usual, he was really late. Almost an hour. I was steaming mad and assumed he just didn’t care enough to get home on time. But I had promised to look for a more generous explanation. So I held my fire and said ‘Hard day?’ And he started sharing about how difficult this one customer was, and how he couldn’t get out the door. And it was clear he was just waiting for me to start yelling at him.”

“Did you?” I asked.

“No. I wanted to. But I forced myself to smile and told myself that it was client demands, not a lack of care, that kept him. It took everything in me, and it honestly felt fake, but I said, ‘Well, I’m glad you’re home. I kept the lasagna warm for you.’ And I served him dinner and ate with him like nothing was wrong. And then it hit me, really strongly: what if nothing was wrong? What if he truly was trying to care for me, and I was always assuming that he wasn’t? We were having this perfectly normal dinner together simply because I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. And I realized: my ability to have this sort of peace all the time, is kind of up to me.”

You might protest that this is unfair. As one woman indignantly told me, when I shared that story with her, “But that is just letting him off the hook! All he’s learned is that he can take her for granted!”

No. I eventually interviewed the husband, too, months down the road. And he said he learned the opposite. He said, “I learned that I’m married to an amazing woman. Even when I’m a bonehead, and don’t handle something right, she has grace with me. She believes in me. That makes me want to do better next time, and do whatever I can to not disappoint her again.”

Because he felt he didn’t have to be defensive and protect himself all the time, her husband started to open up. They were able to talk about the things they did that hurt each other (like her feeling that his being late signaled that he just didn’t care) and try to make changes. But it started with one person’s willingness to not assume the worst of the other – and then keep it up over months as they tried to get on a better path.

If you assume that your man’s motives are to hurt you, I fear that you’ll never get to that place. You’ll be so apt to assume that he will always take advantage of you, that that is all you’ll see. You won’t see the man who loves you, even though, statistically, he almost certainly does.

Yes, you can and should question how your husband handles something. At some other non-emotional time, you can share the harsh phrases that hurt your feelings. But don’t assume the worst of why your husband sometimes does it wrong. In other words, be sure to say, “But I know you love me and the kids and I don’t think you realize how much this hurts in the moment.”

As you deal with your very understandable hurt feelings, consider breaking the cycle. Don’t continue to fit the definition of insanity. Choose to look for the best… and you’ll very likely see that he becomes willing to break the cycle with you.

Helping people thrive in life and relationships is Shaunti Feldhahn’s driving passion, supported by her research projects and writing. After starting out with a Harvard graduate degree and experience on Wall Street, her life took an unexpected shift into relationship research. She now is a popular speaker around the world and the author of best-selling books about men, women, and relationships. (Including For Men Only, and the groundbreaking Shaunti Feldhahn.

3 Surprising Reasons to Initiate Sex With Your Man

Although this article is for women, I’m sure some astonished men are looking in, and asking, “What do you mean why you should initiate sex?!” To guys, the answer is completely obvious! It reminds me of that line from the movie City Slickers when Billy Crystal’s character tells his friend, “Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.”

So ladies – why?

Well, the most “obvious” reason is the one guys are thinking of: pleasure. And women think of that too, of course! But I’ve been researching men and women with thousands of surveys for years now, and it is clear that, statistically, although that reason is front and center for most men, it is often not front-of-mind for the busy, tired, distracted wife and mom. In our research about women for For Men Only, in fact, we found that the vast majority of women simply aren’t thinking about sex (and thus the pleasure of sex) all the time, the way most men are.  So sex just doesn’t happen as much as it might otherwise.

Which is quite a shame when you think about it!

So ladies, here are three other reasons to get you going:

1. The more you have sex, the more you’ll be thinking about having sex. 

It’s all about testosterone. We women have testosterone, too, just not as much as men. And neurologists and other research scientists have found that if you get out of the habit of having sex, your testosterone levels drop and you want it less.  But if you have sex at least once a week, your testosterone levels rise and you actually want it more.  Although there are certainly exceptions, men’s higher T-levels are why they tend to be thinking about and wanting sex more than their wives.

So if you’re the one with the lower desire, you can improve your libido simply by having sex once a week or more.

Try it! You’ll like it!

2. When you initiate sex, it deeply comforts and affirms your husband. 

We women have no clue how much self-doubt men carry around all day.  Am I any good at what I do?  Does my wife think I’m a good husband?  Is my colleague going to figure out that I’m making this up as I go along?  Do I measure up as a man?  As a dad?   Men are far more emotionally vulnerable than we realize.

And I was stunned, when I studied men for For Women Only and my other books, to discover that a man’s most emotionally vulnerable time is when he approaches his wife for intimacy.  A man feels like he is shakily extending out his unprotected heart, not knowing whether she will tenderly embrace it or smack it down.  Certainly, there are also women who feel vulnerable when they are the ones with the higher libido than their husband. But for the majority of couples, it is the other way around. So when you respond well to your husband’s vulnerable heart, it is deeply comforting. (“She thinks I do measure up.”) 

But now go one step further: if you are the one who reaches out now and then, he is not only comforted… he is flying. As one man told me – laughing, but completely in earnest – “The thought is, ‘Not only does she think I measure up – she thinks I’m a stud!’ You have no idea how much that affirms a guy. I may feel like a total imposter in life, but if my wife wants me I can handle anything.”

3. An affirmed husband is a loving husband.  

I know we women don’t want to only focus on “what’s in it for me”… but let’s get real about this: what’s in it for us is pretty amazing.  When your husband feels desired sexually, he feels like you’re saying he is a good husband, a good dad, a good man.  Every day, your man sees so clearly all the ways he doesn’t measure up to what you need – and yet by affirming him sexually you are saying he’s a good man, anyway. He feels like you are saying, sure, he will make mistakes at times, but you’re on his side no matter what.

And as a result, he is so grateful for you. A man who is secure that you love and appreciate him will run through fire for you. He will be softer. More loving. More caring.  Because he is more secure.  And seriously: who doesn’t want a more loving, caring, attentive husband?

Now, sadly, there are always exceptions to this. There are going to be marriages where it doesn’t work out that way. But statistically, those are truly exceptions. In most cases, a husband who knows his wife wants him, wants most of all to be the man she will always need.

Helping people thrive in life and relationships is Shaunti Feldhahn’s driving passion, supported by her research projects and writing. After starting out with a Harvard graduate degree and experience on Wall Street, her life took an unexpected shift into relationship research. She now is a popular speaker around the world and the author of best-selling books about men, women, and relationships. (Including For Men Only, and the groundbreaking Shaunti Feldhahn.

How to Fix Teenage Attitude Problems …. Without Losing It

Not that this ever happens to you. But every now and then our kids (girls and boys) might perhaps display a little attitude. Perhaps it’s an eye roll, a derisive tone, a sudden disrespectful temper. Whatever it is, it’s almost guaranteed to make a parent’s head explode.

We of course never did this. Ever. We were perfect darlings.

We can’t imagine where they get it from.

And yet we still have to address it. Because (in all seriousness), the way we address it will either help our kids learn how to control their less-than-healthy attitudes — or give them license to develop even worse ones. Ones that don’t just drive parents nuts but which can wreck their school friendships… work habits… marriages.

So based on the research with 3,000 teens and pre-teens for For Parents Only and several of my other books, here are three actions to take whenever you see or hear an attitude:

1. Fight disrespect with respect.  It is essential that we model the behavior we are looking for, rather than mirror the behavior we’re seeing. The teens told me parents had zero credibility to address their kids’ attitudes when they are doing so with an attitude of their own! Yes, we certainly have every right to demand compliance regardless of how we ourselves behave — but what we most want is a heart shift. For the kid to recognize that their disrespect is hurtful and wrong, and there is another way. Personal confession: I still do this wrong all too often, but what the research has shown me is that if I can pause to get a grip on my own temper, I am far more likely to address my kids’ unhealthy words and actions in a healthy way.

2. Point it out and request a do-over. It is amazing how often kids don’t realize the depth of contempt in their tone, or that their body language screams disdain. So make a habit of drawing attention to it when you see it. Don’t go overboard — the kids said they stopped listening if they heard the same thing 20 times in one day — but simply say something like, “When you say something in that tone, you may not realize it, but what you’re saying is, ‘You’re an idiot, Mom.’” Make sure you use a calm, matter-of-fact voice. Then ask them to repeat their statement in a more polite way, without the body language, poor tone, and eye-rolls. You may have to try this a couple of times if they are in an emotional state, but over time they will get the hang of it. And if they know they will be asked to repeat themselves more calmly and politely, they will soon start self-regulating to be more calm and polite with you.

3. Address the insecurity under the attitude. Our research discovered that attitudes are like a flashing red warning light — a signal to parents to look at what might be underneath the attitude. Very often, derision or anger shows that this is a kid who simply isn’t feeling very good about herself or himself right now. Maybe she’s feeling unloved and rejected by friends at school. Maybe he’s feeling stupid and inadequate because he’s getting poor grades. In their pain, kids will often subconsciously lash out with poor words and actions in the one place they hope to be shown “You are loved and believed in even at your worst.” Don’t tolerate the disrespect but also address what is under it. For example, make sure she is given the opportunity to see that she is loved by friends, or that he is given help to overcome his feeling of inadequacy in school. Once they feel more secure in themselves, you’ll see those attitudes a lot less often.

Helping people thrive in life and relationships is Shaunti Feldhahn’s driving passion, supported by her research projects and writing. After starting out with a Harvard graduate degree and experience on Wall Street, her life took an unexpected shift into relationship research. She now is a popular speaker around the world and the author of best-selling books about men, women, and relationships. (Including For Men Only, and the groundbreaking Shaunti Feldhahn.