Shaunti Feldhahn's Blog, page 43

Men. Women. Money. What Could Go Wrong?

So ladies, imagine one morning during the holidays, your old refrigerator suddenly seems about to give up the ghost. Images of all that spoiled food start dancing in your head, and you find a one-day-only flash sale for a fridge at a fantastic price . . . but your husband says he needs to think about it.  

What goes through your mind? If you’re like many women, you’re not only frustrated (or furious) that by being indecisive, he’s risking hundreds of dollars in ruined food (and ruined holiday preparations) but also that he’s risking having to pay hundreds of dollars more if you can’t get the cheap fridge! You find yourself distracted during the day, checking constantly to see if the sale is sold out, and worried about whether the fridge will last.

Or men, imagine that tomorrow you’re in the middle of paying some unexpected, large, medical bills, and your wife walks in with a new outfit and happily announces, “It was on sale! It’ll be perfect for vacation. What do you think?” 

What goes through your mind? If you’re like many men, even if you subconsciously know that your wife wouldn’t spend beyond your budget you feel a roiling in your gut as you automatically tally up the cost of the medical bills, vacation and outfit. You feel a sense of pressure as you wonder whether you have what it takes to provide for your family. Which is why your dutiful smile and “it looks nice” comment might seem a little forced.

What goes through your mind in those little scenarios – and why – is what Jeff and I have begun studying for our next major research project; a project we are partnering on with Thrivent, a wonderful, values-minded Fortune-300-company. Through their innovative subsidiary, brightpeak financial, Thrivent is sponsoring our research study into this question: what is underneath our responses to money in relationships?  Because when there is conflict or irritation, we know it isn’t about the money. (More about that in a moment.)

It’s Not About The Money

Our previous research for For Women Only and For Men Only identified crucial things we need to know about each other as men and women—and those differences impact our responses to money as well. So our first product with brightpeak is our brand-new video experience for couples, called Men, Women, and Money. Done in a Master Class format with 3 younger couples, this experience helps men and women understand what is really going on under the surface and use that understanding to prevent and solve money misunderstandings and issues. Once we have those “aha moments” about each other, we don’t have to have those frustrations ever again! 

Because here’s the thing. That argument you and your spouse get into about buying this or saving that? It’s not about the money. It is about all that stuff under the surface, regardless of who the “spender” or the “saver” is in the relationship. (Which, by the way, does not appear to be gender related.)  

So what is going on under the surface? 

Husbands: Here’s What Might Really Be Going On

As a sneak preview, men, here’s what might be going on in that situation with your wife’s new outfit. In our research it was clear that most women have a deep question about whether they are beautiful, special and “worth something.” For many women (not all, of course), “retail therapy” and buying that cute new outfit (even if she is buying it at a consignment store!) serves several purposes. Your wife wants to feel “new” and special and beautiful . . . and she wants to know that you think she is beautiful too. That new purchase temporarily fills that need (it is a counterfeit “filling” of course, but it feels good nonetheless). 

She is also hoping that you will light up and tell her that she looks beautiful—and that by your manner you signal yes, this cost money, but you are worth it.

Wives: Here’s What Might Really Be Going On

And wives, when he says he wants to “think about” buying a new fridge versus waiting and taking the risk with the old one, it’s not because he is indecisive or doesn’t care. And he doesn’t want you to go through a day of torture. He probably doesn’t even know it is torture!

For most men (although not all), a fairly substantial decision (especially a purchasing decision!) simply requires time to think. Where your female brain is more likely to want to think something through by talking it through (“do you think we can risk losing all that food? We have the party in two days . . .”) his male brain is more likely to require time when he is not talking about it. He needs to process the decision and understand what he’s thinking—and he is intending to come back to you in some reasonable period of time, because he understands that there’s a limit on that sale, too!

The Crucial Caveat

Now, here’s a crucial caveat: None of these feelings mean we have to blindly give in to them. We shouldn’t irresponsibly spend money we don’t have, and we should be mature enough to understand each other and stop knee-jerk reactions that stem from insecurity. We should be able to talk about money issues without getting defensive or irritated. But we have to understand each other (and ourselves!) first.

Neither of those scenarios demonstrates a lack of love or caring. We’re just very different in many ways.  And we respond to money differently based on our wiring. So hiding beneath that drive-you-nuts behavior is a spouse who wants to please you and love you well. It just takes a little understanding to see it. If you and your spouse want to better understand each other and build a great relationship about all things money-related, find out more here.

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Find Rest: A Women’s Devotional for Lasting Peace in Busy Life, focuses on a journey to rest even with life’s constant demands.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post Men. Women. Money. What Could Go Wrong? appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Negative Wife, Negative Life? Not Necessarily!

Nate and Kathryn are working to improve their marriage, but Nate has a pet peeve that he can’t seem to let go of. Although Kathryn is a wonderful woman and a great mother, it drives him crazy how negative she’s become. She’s critical about the most insignificant things. If it’s not the laundry, he didn’t pick the right pajamas for the kids or he bought the wrong brand of cereal. It really bothers him, but he knows that jumping all over her for it won’t win him any points or strengthen their relationship. He’s wondering how they can improve their marriage when she’s so negative.

If Nate’s situation sounds familiar to you, listen up! Because wrapped up in your frustration with your wife and her criticism, there’s an irony: the reality is that you are being negative about your wife’s negativity! And guys, I totally get it. In my women’s books and conferences I constantly remind women to ruthlessly avoid criticism and negative words because it is so painful for any spouse… but especially for men! My guess is that your wife—like Nate’s—is not a mean person; she simply doesn’t see how painful her negative words are for you. Or doesn’t see them as negative at all.

But here’s the hard truth: if you want to improve your marriage, you cannot depend on her to change. In fact, to break the cycle you’ll have to try the same no-negativity approach with her that you wish she had with you. And in order to control the way you respond to what she says, you’ll have to control how you think about it as well.

How do you do that? Let’s take a look.

Realize You’re Stuck In A Habit

Adjusting your response to your wife’s negativity is a habit of mind. A habit, by the way, that we can apply to any fault in our spouse that is driving us nuts. Because it can be quite impossible to simply “ignore” something that bothers you that much. As nationally-respected therapist Dr. Michael Sytsma put it in a recent interview, “When you’re trying to work through a very real concern, the more you try NOT to focus on something, the more power you give it.” 

I recently asked him how he helped couples address any such situation. If “not focusing on something” doesn’t work, what does? I think his method is invaluable, and you can use it to break your cycle.

Adjust Your Focus

Dr. Sytsma explains his method this way: For example, I look at the couple dealing with an affair. Telling them not to think about this big, obvious, overwhelming thing would be counterproductive—because then it becomes hard NOT to think about it. It is like trying to NOT think about the pink elephant in the room. Instead, I tell the couple, “When we want to think about the pink elephant, what if we picture a grey African elephant on the savanna instead?”

He then asks them to picture how an African elephant would look . . . how its tough hide might sound as it brushed through the grass . . . how it might have a baby trotting alongside. And then he asks the couple if they can picture it. They always say yes. And thinking about the grey African elephant—something healthy, something functioning the way it is supposed to—has taken their minds completely off of the overwhelming pink-elephant thoughts that were consuming them a moment before.

Apply The “Elephant Method” To Your Situation

As in the elephant example, I don’t think you can force yourself to just ignore your wife’s negative words—they are there and real and painful to you. Your concern about them is like the pink elephant in the room. But you can choose to instead focus on the things that are healthy, that are functioning the way they are supposed to. For example, when Nate’s wife says he didn’t sort the laundry properly, he could think about the fact that she does so many of the household chores and the last few things she did to take care of him. Remind yourselves, men, that your wife appreciates you and truly doesn’t realize how she sounds.

Now Put This Principle To Work With Your Wife!

The practice of adjusting your focus is one way of—to paraphrase the Bible—thinking about what is worthy of praise, rather than what is worthy of driving you crazy. Your concerns haven’t vanished—they’re still something that will need to be addressed—but they won’t have as much power over you anymore. It will be so much easier for you to respond well, and lovingly. And as your wife feels unconditionally loved and appreciated, she is far more likely to be willing to hear what you have to say when the time comes.

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Find Rest: A Women’s Devotional for Lasting Peace in Busy Life, focuses on a journey to rest even with life’s constant demands.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post Negative Wife, Negative Life? Not Necessarily! appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

4 Truths You Need to Know About Your Son and Visual Temptation

Even after years of being a social researcher and learning what is in the hearts and minds of men and boys, I just wasn’t ready when my pre-teen son began struggling with the same visual temptations as adult males. But why would he not? He is genetically programmed to be male. But just because he struggles with these temptations doesn’t mean he has to be at the mercy of those temptations. There are ways we as parents can help and it starts with understanding what’s going on in the minds of our sons.

Here are 4 truths you need to know about your son and the temptations he’s most likely struggling with:

TRUTH #1: Temptation Starts Young

Yes, I knew men and boys were visual—but I didn’t really grasp just how visual they actually are until my son was thunderstruck by the pictures in the Victoria’s Secret shop window…at the age of 4. “I like those ladies,” he said, in an awed tone of voice, suddenly oblivious to everything else around him. “Their bare tummies make my tummy feel good.” The male brain is the male brain from the earliest age. As I share in Through a Man’s Eyes, that means we moms need to know how to help those little eyes be careful what they see from the earliest ages.

TRUTH #2: They Struggle With An Almost Overwhelming Curiosity and Temptation

Even the most honorable and Godly young men have a deep-down curiosity to see the naked female form. And once they do, they are usually incredibly tempted to do whatever is necessary, to click on whatever link, to investigate whatever source will allow them to see it again. And again. I remember a few of my fellow mom friends being shocked that the eighth grade boys at our Christian school had all listed “pornography” as the primary life temptation they were trying to fight. Our boys need us to wake up to the strength of this visual temptation. They need our awareness, help, and compassion in that fight up through adulthood.

TRUTH #3: Temptation Is Something Honorable Boys Don’t Want

My son broke down in tears as he confessed looking at something he shouldn’t have looked at online. Like many boys I’ve researched, he wants to be honorable toward women. He wants to do what God asks. He doesn’t want this temptation and it makes me furious at how often his brain is being stimulated in this culture and how hard it is to avoid that stimulation. Yes, when our boys make the wrong decisions and repeatedly make bad choices, they need consequences, they need help, and they need to know we are disappointed in them. But we need to understand that they are also disappointed in themselves. Often, in fact, we need great wisdom about when our boys may need support more than discipline. This fight cannot be “us vs. our sons”. It must be us and our sons side-by-side, confronting a temptation that is thrown at them every day, and which neither of us want them to have.

TRUTH #4: Temptation is Something They Cannot Confront Well Without Our Help

Because it can be awkward to talk about, few boys will ever tell you this . . . but they need your help! For an honorable young man, at least, there is great comfort in knowing that mom and dad have installed accountability or filtering software on all media devices, or have put unbreakable passwords on the “iffy” cable channels, so that they can’t look at those things without getting caught. Also, when I was interviewing young men for the book, it was clear they would actually talk to their mom about these things if they could trust that she wouldn’t freak out. So no matter what your son says, be ultra-calm and matter-of-fact. Acknowledge that you don’t have a male brain, but let your son know you want to understand, will never freak out about anything he shares (even if you have to impose consequences, you won’t flip out, emotionally) and that you want to know how to support him. If you are married, your husband will better understand what your son is going through, and the two of you will need to partner on the best way to handle things. As a man, he will also be your best source for inside information (including talking you down off your ledge about whether a certain incident is a big deal or not!)

In today’s culture there’s no perfect way of handling things. But we love our boys. So let’s step up to the plate. Let’s get more aware, educate ourselves, and be there for our sons, so we can help them in this fight—this temptation—side-by-side.

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Find Rest: A Women’s Devotional for Lasting Peace in Busy Life, focuses on a journey to rest even with life’s constant demands.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post 4 Truths You Need to Know About Your Son and Visual Temptation appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

A Protective Dad In the Wild

I know this might seem like it should be a Mother’s Day article… but I’m going to give a shout out to all the wonderful Fathers out there.

Dads, you so often are not recognized as the strong, caring, protective, loving presences that you are. I’ve interviewed so many thousands of you over the years and heard the heart behind the protectiveness. The deep desire to provide for your family.  The tears that surprise you when you think of how your little ones have grown. The love and tenderness that co-exist with incredible strength. And a willingness to lay your life down for your family.

I thought about all those things in a flash as I watched this video. You may have seen it. (10 million of your closest friends have!) An alligator decided to cross an area of land between two bodies of water… right near where a Sandhill Crane family was nesting. Now before you click the link, I want you to imagine a tall bird stepping forward and putting himself in harm’s way with…a CROCODILE! Talk about courage.

And yet, that’s exactly what he did. This is in honor of all you amazing dads out there. Know that your sacrifice and strength are recognized.

See the video here.

This article was first published at Patheos.

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Find Rest: A Women’s Devotional for Lasting Peace in Busy Life, focuses on a journey to rest even with life’s constant demands.  

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

The post A Protective Dad In the Wild appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Men: Here’s the Phrase that Will Make Your Wife Amazingly Happy

At a recent marriage conference, a man sidled up to me and began talking while keeping an eye on his wife nearby, clearly trying to ask a question before she noticed.

“So,” he said in a low voice, “I say ‘I love you’ a lot. But it seems to sort of bounce off. It’s like she discounts whether that’s really true because it’s such a common phrase. Is there something I can say to her that won’t just be background noise, so she’ll really hear and understand how much I love her?”

“Why are we talking so quietly?” I whispered. “Because,” he whispered back, “I want to be able to say whatever it is without her thinking, ‘You’re only saying that because she told you to.’’”

Ah. I get it.

Yes, I told him, there is such a phrase. Are you ready? Here it is (drum roll please):

“I’m so glad I’m married to you.”

He seemed a bit puzzled, and you might be too. So I’ll tell you what I then told him.

A Woman Wonders: Am I Lovable?

Most men don’t realize that women privately have a very specific vulnerability. They wonder: Am I lovable? The question might be subconscious, but it’s there. In the same way that you—like most guys—privately wonder whether you’re doing a good job as a husband, as a father, or in your profession, your wife truly wonders whether she’s special and worthy of love. Specifically, whether she’s worthy of your love. 

Now you might think that is a ridiculous doubt—and it certainly isn’t politically correct to talk about!—but if your wife is like most of the women in our For Men Only surveys (82%, in fact), the question is there.

A Wife Questions: Does He Really Love Me?

You see, deep down, we women look at the wonderful guy we are married to, and think: how on earth did I ever get so lucky? So blessed? Why would he love me? As one woman in our research surveys summarized, “I think in the heart of even the most confident woman, there’s a secret worry: that there may come a point when he realizes we aren’t as special as he thinks we are!”

In the book, we quote another woman who put it this way: “The fact that I get to live with him over the course of my lifetime is one of the biggest scams I’ve pulled off. I keep waiting for him to wake up, jump over the mound of unwashed clothes, and bolt out the door!”

A Husband’s Reassurance Says: I Still Choose You

So men, yes, your strong and confident wife needs to hear you say that magical phrase: “I’m so glad I’m married to you.” It’s a statement that reassures, encourages, and inspires her all at the same time. It fills her with a sense of security and confidence in your love. My advice? Use it often.

And after you’ve uttered that powerful phrase, keep talking. Tell her why you’re glad you’re married to her. Because, if you’re like most men, you’ve got many reasons. And your wife needs to hear them.

You’ve got such a sweet spirit… you’re so beautiful, inside and out… you’re a caring mom… I love spending time with you….

Delight Your Wife . . . And Be Delighted In Return

The bottom line? If you tell your wife “I’m so glad I’m married to you” regularly, and share all the reasons why, you’ll bring peace to her mind, joy to her spirit, and delight to her heart. And—as I shared with the man at the conference who was seeking to please his wife—I’m confident that you’ll find yourself delighted by the response she gives you in return.

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

The post Men: Here’s the Phrase that Will Make Your Wife Amazingly Happy appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

One Great Antidote When You’re Feeling Stressed

First of all—I’ve got great news! My newest book, Find Rest: A Women’s Devotional For Lasting Peace in a Busy Life, is back in stock on Amazon! We had such a good response that it went temporarily out of stock until we could get another shipment in. (Click here if you would like to order your copy of Find Rest—don’t forget that they make beautiful and meaningful Mother’s Day gifts!) And thank you to those who have already purchased one . . . we’d love for you to leave a review on Amazon if you could. Click here to leave a review.

And secondly, given the whirlwind of the last month with travel and work and then my dad’s stroke, I’m reminded more and more that God calls us—regardless of our circumstances, our activities, and our busyness—to be glad and rejoice in each day. Psalm 118:24 says “This is the day which the Lord has made; Let us rejoice and be glad in it.”

Here’s an excerpt from Find Rest about this very thing:

Stop And Take Notice

God tells us that one antidote to feeling pressed in on every side is to stop and notice each day and what He is doing with it. After all, we can’t “be glad” for God’s great works unless we purposefully take in the day that is flowing by.

This reminds me of a great regret of mine that turned into a great lesson. After months of planning our wedding, the actual ceremony seemed to pass in a delightful blur. A few weeks later, my husband mentioned seeing a particular couple who had been at the ceremony but had to miss the reception. I said, “Really? I don’t remember seeing them. It all seemed to go so fast—I don’t remember much about the ceremony itself.” 

Jeff smiled sideways. “I remember everything.” He then told me that one of his groomsmen, a man who was already married, had taken him aside ahead of time and told him the day could either rush by or be soaked in. “He encouraged me to purposefully enter into it and remember it all. So I made sure to really enjoy every moment.” 

Savor And Soak In Every Moment

Years later, when our kids were born, I heard echoes of that advice from older moms who said, “Oh, enjoy this time. It goes so quickly.” This time, I decided, I would not let the warp speed of life turn these precious years into a blur. I have tried to savor and soak in every moment, every stage. It has been so rewarding. Unlike my wedding ceremony, I have thousands of rich, delightful memories with my kids that will still be precious long after they leave home. 

Whether it is about time with family, friends, career, or the use of a particular gift, letting the days slip by and wondering “where did the time go?” is a surefire way to end up with weariness and regret. Let’s instead resolve to notice each day, and be glad in it. 

Excerpt taken from Find Rest

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post One Great Antidote When You’re Feeling Stressed appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Grumpy Husband at the End of the Day? Here’s How to Change That

When your husband walks through the door at the end of the day, is he more like Prince Charming from Cinderella or Grumpy from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs? If your answer is “definitely Grumpy!” you’re not alone. Most married couples spend busy days apart, no matter what their jobs are and whether they work inside or outside the home. And for you—like many wives— the reunion at the end of the day can be rough. You try talking to your man when he gets home and he gets ticked off, which is really frustrating. You’ve waited all day to discuss important things and when he walks in the door he just blows you off! Your day wasn’t all sunshine and roses, so you get upset too, and then he gets even grouchier. In my research for the best-selling relationship guide For Women Only, I found this was a common complaint. 

Recognize the cycle? I think you’ll agree, it’s not a good one! So what can be done to change things? Well, this might have been an article about how men can be more lovingly responsive to their wives at the end of the day. But it’s not. Because, wives, there’s a hard question we need to ask ourselves: could we be the ones who are bringing out Grumpy? Could things be radically different with just a little patience, a different approach, and a refusal to be offended by his need for a little bit of space at the end of the work day?

Let’s take a look….

Consider The “Welcome Home” Message You’re Giving Your Husband

To determine if there’s a part we wives play in whether we find ourselves dealing with Prince Charming or Grumpy at the end of the day, we need to examine our approach. Do you start talking to your hubby about family stuff as soon as he walks in the door? Do you save up everything you wanted to ask him or tell him and bring it all out in the first thirty minutes? If you do, that might be why you find yourself mumbling “nice to see you, too” to his back as he marches past you and into the bathroom to catch up on his newsfeed. While you’re anxious to dig into the issues of the day, he’s desperate for a bit of time and space to transition from work to home.

Understand That Men Need Transition Time

You’ve probably heard that guys want a little personal time when they get home from work, and my research for For Women Only found that it was truly a need even more than a “want.” Because of the way the male brain is wired, most men find it actively difficult to transition from the “work” compartment in their brain into the “personal” compartment without a little processing time in between. Women can bounce back and forth all day, but for most men, that is actively hard to do. Similarly, the male brain isn’t wired to be as verbal as the female brain—and after talking all day he may need some silent downtime as well.

Give Him A Buffer Zone

If he’s thinking about work, or calls from work, or mentally writing up his to-do list for the next day on the drive home, when he walks in the door it’s almost impossible to transition gracefully to thinking and talking with you without a buffer zone of mental space. Every guy is different, and some need more transition time than others, but a lot of men mentioned at least thirty minutes as being necessary to let the work day leak out of their brain before they could talk well with their wife. Talk it over with your man—you could even do a few test runs—to find out how much time will give him the buffer he needs before he can truly “arrive” at home.

Don’t Take It Personally!

When we don’t realize that this is a legitimate need of most men, we end up taking it personally, and that creates problems! Some men in my interviews told me that it was so difficult for their wife to let them have the buffer zone without getting upset (“Don’t you care about me?”) that they had to drive around the neighborhood or go to a bar for happy hour for forty-five minutes. They knew that was the only way they would be able to decompress enough that they could handle what they would be hit with when they walked in the door. And that’s a shame. Because most of the men told me they preferred the comfort of being able to come home to their wife and kids and decompress there—as long as they were indeed allowed to decompress. Most men don’t want to be Grumpy, after all!

Know That Giving Him Transition Time Will Give You Both Sweeter Time Together

All of this doesn’t mean that it’s okay for him to lock himself in his man cave until midnight. But let the poor man check his scores before you hand him his wrench and tell him to go fix the leaky faucet. Better yet, at a neutral time, discuss some sort of a process that you can both live with: for example, you’ll cheerfully give him 30 minutes of space as long as he can cheerfully engage with the family after that. Give it a try! If you do, I’m guessing you’ll see Grumpy walk through the door a lot less often. And at the end of the day, who wouldn’t want to spend more time with Prince Charming?

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post Grumpy Husband at the End of the Day? Here’s How to Change That appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

That Moment When You Realize You Match Your New Book Cover

I am excited to announce that my new devo Find Rest is BACK IN STOCK! We were so thrilled to discover such a HUGE demand for this devotional during the pre-sales period, before it was officially released. And then less thrilled to discover that the huge demand meant we were going to “sell out” of the available copies before it even went on sale… and that the rest of the copies were trapped on a slow boat from China. (Literally!) So please accept my apologies if you were one of those who ordered copies during the pre-sale period and are just now getting your copies.

The good news is that we reprinted, the new shipment is in, and we are now back in business! I hope you all enjoy this devotional, which is a totally new format for me. (Although it is, like all my books, based on a lot of research.  In this case, the research is into what both science and scripture says about the causes and solutions of stress for modern women.)

I also hope you ladies will appreciate my amusement in this moment when I realized that I matched my book cover. I was at the office of my publisher, iDisciple, for a meeting and everyone suddenly realized that at the same time. So of course we had to document the moment on camera.

Enjoy the beauty in the book – now that it is available! (And might I suggest that it would make a beautiful Mother’s Day gift?)

I appreciate all of you!

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.

The post That Moment When You Realize You Match Your New Book Cover appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

What he’s thinking when you frown

After speaking at some awesome women’s events recently (shout out to the ASPIRE women’s conference tour!), I was going through security at a Florida airport when I saw a real-life example of a truth about men. There were two grade-school children, a pretty wife with a frown, and a discouraged husband in the security line after a family spring-break vacation.

I could tell that for the husband… it hadn’t been much of a vacation. And I would also bet that the wife had no idea.

When a TSA officer directed me to a different station, I ended up essentially cutting in front of this family, and I apologized. The wife frowned, but the husband smiled and willingly waved me forward, even though I’m sure they were in a hurry as well. I said “Thanks! You’re a good man!”

A hard-to-identify expression briefly flickered on his face – wistfulness? sadness? discouragement? – but he seemed like a jokester sort, so he quickly chuckled.“Thanks,” he said. “This one here doesn’t think so, of course.” He jokingly gestured to his wife, who was looking around the security area rather than listening to our conversation.

A moment later, in a mild tone but with a frustrated expression, she said, “Honey, why did you pick this line? Why aren’t we in that short one over there?”

Again, the fleeting expression. He pointed out that that was the Pre-Check line, not the regular one, they were almost at the ID check, would be through security soon, and asked the kids, “Did you have fun?” When the kids said, “YES!” I again said, “Good man!”

He jovially said, “Well, maybe you can share that opinion with her. If you’re on the Jersey flight, tell her that!”

He had no idea how many buttons he was hitting in me at that moment. He didn’t know I was a social researcher who had written a best-selling book to help women understand men, or how all my antennae were up, telling me that this was a deeply discouraged husband. He had no idea how much I wanted to pull that sweet, clueless wife aside, or how much I wished I hadn’t sold out of For Women Only at the conference so I had one to give to her.

Yet I couldn’t go barging in on something that was not my business. So I’m left to write this article instead. Here is what I wished I could have shared with her from my research: what your man is thinking when you frown – and when he sees you pleased instead!

His first thought: “I’m failing you as a husband.”

Every man wants to make his wife happy. According to our surveys for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, that is one of THE motivating factors for the vast majority of men. I will confess that I originally felt it was disingenuous when heard men say, “I just want to make my wife happy.” I assumed they were only saying that because they felt they were supposed to.

And then somewhere along the way, I realized: they actually MEAN it! And it isn’t just that a man loves his wife and thus wants her to be happy in some stand-alone way. No… HE wants to be good at getting her to the point where she is happy and satisfied, and feels secure and loved.

We women so easily forget that our man has a deep, secret insecurity about whether he is any good at what he tries to do. One of the main, secret, questions in his heart is “Am I any good as a husband to you?” And in his mind, that question is answered by whether you are happy – or not.

So as you can imagine, a man is powerfully motivated to see you smile, not frown. A frown means that you aren’t happy – and thus that he failed at his most important duty.

His second thought: “If I can’t make her happy in this little thing (for example, that I picked the right security line at the airport), how can I ever make her happy in the big things?”

We don’t realize it, but when we say (especially with a frown), “Honey why did you pick this long security line instead of that short one over there?” we are telling him that he is a bit of an idiot. So he’s thinking, “If she thinks I’m not up to a little task, like picking a line at the airport, how am I ever going to be up to the task of something big – like being a good dad?”

I was longing to tell that wife at the airport: if you want all to be right with the world in your marriage, spend your time in the security line talking about how much fun you had on your vacation! Spend your time in the car on the way home reminiscing about what a great vacation it was and how thankful you are for his hard work (presumably) to get you all to Florida.

And if you really NEED to ask the question about why this line instead of that one, ask it in a way that assumes he’s not an idiot… that he had a reason. Like, “Honey, I know we were worried about catching the flight – is there a reason we couldn’t move to that line over there?” (“Yes, sorry, that’s Pre-Check.”)

We may think our men are “so oversensitive” if we have to be soooo careful about how we approach them. The key is to realize that they simply have a different pain point than we do. It isn’t “oversensitivity” – it is simply sensitivity to something that wouldn’t bother us!

But the good news is this: because of that sensitivity, he is also very sensitive to the positive points as well! Which leads to the final thought.

His thought when you smile: “I love her. So I love it when she is happy.”

For a man, all is right with the world when he sees you smile. He loves you. He wants to bless you. He wants to make you FEEL loved. And seeing you smile shows he succeeded.

Now, just in case you’re wondering: all this doesn’t mean we can’t raise issues that exist! But it can be so easy to get in a habit of raising those issues… and forgetting to smile. Let’s make an effort to show him when he makes us happy. Let’s focus on the excellent and good in life. After all, doing so will be better for both of us!

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

The post What he’s thinking when you frown appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

An Update on my Dad’s Health

Dear Friends—

Many of you have been asking for an update on my dad and I wanted to write a quick word on what’s been going on with him.

Thank you all for your sincere prayers and kind words after my father had his stroke. The last few weeks have been intense and often emotional—many nights spent by my father’s (and mother’s) side in hospital rooms and ER’s dealing with not only the stroke, but a brain bleed and a pulmonary embolism. But it’s also been a very sweet time connecting with my family. My brother and his wife were here for 10 days from Singapore, and it was wonderful to be with them, even though we were all running around a bit.

We’ve been talking to many doctors and nurses, and working with cutting-edge therapists, and praying for significant healing for my dad. So far, that doesn’t seem to be God’s path for him, although we are certainly seeing improvement day by day.  He is in an acute rehab hospital and working hard to overcome significant challenges with memory, mobility, confusion, vision, continence, and so on. He has had such a sweet attitude about all of this, which is a blessing to the rest of us.  He was actually able to walk a few steps with a walker the other day, which means he might not be entirely bedridden, which would be HUGE! We are waiting to see what the trajectory is like for the long term. Until then, many things are still up in the air.

It looks very likely that Dad will require 24/7 care from a full-time live-in caregiver (since the care he requires is far more intense than my Mom can handle without putting her own health at risk!), and that Mom and Dad will at some point move down to Atlanta to live with us. Which will also mean building a sizeable addition onto our home, since our current house doesn’t have the layout or the size we’ll need, and was already bursting at the seams with us, our kids, and running my ministry and Jeff’s business out of our home. Our minds are reeling a bit with how we’re going to choose and manage a general contractor and major build while also working on a major research project and book deadline, sending our daughter off to college and doing all the usual traveling and speaking. Can you tell we need your prayers? We are trusting God’s goodness and direction!

My entire family appreciates your prayers as we are navigating these new waters. To have a community of friends who are storming the throne of heaven on our behalf is truly humbling. We know God is in control. And we are resting in that. 

Love,

Shaunti

Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

The post An Update on my Dad’s Health appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.