Make Your Husband Happy With the Next-Day Rule
Ladies, imagine that as part of your dream job or volunteer work, you are offered a project that is really exciting, and could also earn you a very welcome financial bonus. You step up to do it. Eager to please your boss, you spend long weeks binge-drinking caramel macchiatos, getting little sleep, and pouring your soul into the work.
Finally, it’s presentation day. You work through the slides and answer the questions like a seasoned pro, and you know you’re nailing it. You’re proud of yourself. As you wrap up, your boss stands up, shakes your hand, and says, “Thanks for that presentation. But it would have been better if you’d done it this way…”
It’s a punch in the gut, right?
Now, imagine that your boss sees your face fall and says, “What’s your problem? I said ‘Thank you!’”
You might be thinking, “Yeah, right. That did not feel like appreciation. In fact, that was the no-thank-you-thank-you.”
What does this have to do with personal relationships? Let’s rewind a few days and think back to the last moment that you felt like your husband (or perhaps your son) didn’t do something the way it should be done.
Perhaps your husband cleared the table and loaded the dishwasher – but not the way you’d do it. Maybe there were plates facing all different directions, plastic containers on the bottom shelf, and even a cast iron skillet shoved in somewhere. (Can you say r-u-s-t?) But here’s the thing: In your man’s mind, he had stepped up to do something. He was trying to please you. As I’ve covered elsewhere, men have more emotional vulnerability than you would ever realize, about whether they measure up in what they try to do for their wives. So your man might even have been waiting for a big smile; something to tell him that you appreciated him. Instead, he hears you chuckle and say, “Oh my gosh, look at these dishes all over the place!” as you undo his work and redo it the “right” way.
Tweet this: “When you’re in a conflict, consider: in the grand scheme of things, will this situation matter tomorrow?“
Ask yourself: does it really matter that your husband loads the dishwasher differently than you? Will the dishes still get cleaned? Maybe you do need to rescue that cast-iron skillet (more on that in a moment), but otherwise let him have his triumph when he’s done the dishes and is feeling pleased with himself. Because regularly correcting him will trigger his secret feeling that he doesn’t measure up. And since that is his most painful feeling, he may just shut down and stop trying. (See this article for more information on that pattern.)
And really, is your way always “right” and his way “wrong?” Or is it just different? It’s not worth risking your relationship with your husband over something that’s really just a matter of opinion.
Tweet this: “For Women Only, The Good News About Marriage).
Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, demonstrates that kindness is the answer to almost every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
This article was first published at Patheos.
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