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Published on July 04, 2019 22:26

July 2, 2019

Be Prepared To Be Alone

“If what the imam is teaching is wrong,” a
community elder told me, “then why would Allah bless him with all these
followers?”

I was in my mid-twenties at the time, and I had
just begun my own spiritual journey of studying Qur’an and the prophetic
teachings and striving my level best to do what I sincerely believed Allah
required of me. Naturally, this meant that I had some beliefs and practices
that differed from those that were accepted in my Muslim community. However, those
around me did not view occasional disagreement with the imam as “natural” at
all. It was a dhulm (wrongdoing) against the imam—according to them—and
an arrogant affront.

“Who do you think you are?” they asked indignantly.
In their eyes, my duty was to blindly follow the community imam, and I had no
right to even think he was wrong, let alone voice these views publicly,
even if I didn’t mention him by name.

Even as the imam tried to change the Islamic rules
regarding who could marry whom (in this case permitting a disbelieving man to
marry a Muslim woman). Even as the imam tried to change the Islamic rules
regarding hijab (in this case permitting a woman to uncover so long as she
dressed “modestly.”). Even as the imam tried to change the Islamic rules
regarding who could enter Paradise (in this case claiming a pagan could be
Muslim in his heart). I was supposed to go along with it and never speak the
truth about what Allah said on these matters.

But I wasn’t willing to sacrifice my soul to
protect the fragile egos and spiritual insecurities of anyone, irrespective of
whether or not they were an elder, a friend, or a family member—or a religious
teacher, imam, or scholar.

As much as I genuinely loved and respected these people, I just wasn’t willing to go to Hellfire in seeking to protect their feelings and pride.

Thus, I continued to practice Islam in the way that
I sincerely believed Allah required of me, and I began to write and teach
others about authentic Islam, even when the Qur’an and prophetic teachings
disagreed with our community imam.

As a result, I was mocked and slandered (even
called Shaytaan himself), and many community members sought to publicize embarrassing
aspects of my personal life to prove to everyone how misguided and crazy I was.

It hurt like hell to see friends and loved ones so
willingly drag my name and reputation through the mud. But no matter how much this
hurt and distressed me, I knew that suffering eternal torment would hurt my
soul much more. So I prayed to Allah to bear with patience the torment of
people so as to protect myself from the torment of the Hellfire.

Shaytaan
Has More Followers Than Allah

Throughout my life I would continue to meet those
who used their religious title, number of followers, and even their Islamic “qualifications”
to change or reject the rules of Allah. Sometimes they portrayed these changes
as merely their opinion, other times they portrayed them as permissible Islamic
points of view. These changes included everything from who could marry whom to
who would enter Paradise after they died.

One self-proclaimed community activist and
religious teacher began teaching that women and women, and men and men could
get married—and she herself had recently come out as gay and “married” another
woman. Both of them were professed Muslims who wore hijab and were well-known
in the community where I lived.

During a series of conversations with her, she
defended her teachings by pointing to how many followers and supporters she
had, as I recently shared in a journal entry:

“People tell me they are inspired by me,” a woman once told me, trying to justify teaching that the Qur’an’s guidance on sexuality and marriage no longer apply in modern times. The more we talked, the more it became clear that she saw herself as a spiritual teacher offering solutions to Muslims whose sexual desires did not align with Allah’s teachings on halaal relationships.

This is an example of a problem-focused professed Muslim looking at the large numbers of people who “benefited” from her and followed her on social media as proof that she was on the right path.

However, in authentic spiritual teachings, right
guidance is soul-focused, not problem-focused, and is unaffected by how many
people follow it. Thus, whenever the believer is faced with a problem, he or
she looks to Allah’s Book and the prophetic teachings for answers—without adding
to, subtracting from, or adjusting these teachings to favor any particular
point of view or group of people.

Similarly, spiritual teachers, imams, and scholars
who are addressing problems (whether on a personal or community level) are also
soul-focused. In Islam, spiritual truth is never altered or rejected in solving
a problem—because following spiritual truth *is* solving the problem.

In this soul-focused system of Tawheed, how many
people agree with you, follow you, or claim to be inspired by you is completely
irrelevant.

Why? Because people being inspired by you doesn’t
necessarily reflect God’s pleasure with you. And it certainly doesn’t indicate
that you’re on a path to Paradise.

You might have thousands upon thousands of
supporters and followers on social media.

But keep in mind, Satan has more followers than
God. And we all know the end of that story.

Don’t let it be the end of yours.

They
Have a Right To Their Opinion?

Often when we are given the slightest sign of the obvious evil in our opinions or lifestyles, our ego and self-deception rush to our defense, telling us that we’re only “keeping it real,” that “I have a right to my opinion,” or whatever other excuse that allows us to hide our evil in the shadows of self-proclaimed truthfulness and sincerity.

You have a right to your opinion, you say? Yes, you
do. But when that “opinion” is related to a matter already addressed by our
Creator, our option for an “opinion” is nullified. Here is where we need to
honestly ask ourselves if our opinion is “just an opinion,” or if it is a
deeply rooted belief.

In Islam, beliefs are not theoretical; they are
directly connected to our actions and choices, and to how we understand and
interpret the actions and choices of others—and to what advice we give others
in making their own choices in life.

Yes, Allah allows us opinions connected to our own
personal choices (for a marriage partner, for example). However, when that opinion
begins to dictate how we label others’ halaal choices and how we give
general advice regarding what others “should” and “should not” do, then this is
no longer an opinion. It is a belief system. And the believer’s belief system comes
from the Book of Allah and the prophetic teachings—only.

Allah says what has been translated to mean, “It
is not for a believer, man or woman, when Allah and His Messenger have decreed
a matter that they should have any option in their decision. And whoever
disobeys Allah and His Messenger, he has indeed strayed in a plain error” (Al-Ahzaab,
33:36).

He also says, “And indeed We have explained in detail every kind of example in this Quran, for mankind. But, man is ever more quarrelsome than anything” (Al-Kahf, 18:54).

Regarding some of these people being scholars or “qualified”
imams when they have these opinions that contradict Islam, I share this journal
reflection:

Religious knowledge is rooted more in the heart
than in the mind. As such, when Allah speaks about the ‘ulamaa (people
of knowledge), He speaks about their fear of Him, not their accolades and
certificates from books, classes, and teachers: “It is only those who fear
Allah, amongst His slaves, who are ‘ulamaa” (Faatir, 35:28).

Thus, our classes and teachers—and accolades and
certifications—benefit us only insomuch as our hearts benefit us.

Reflect, O child of Adam, reflect!

Then repent and self-correct.

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Embrace
The Lonely Path

Be prepared to be alone.

If you sincerely want to meet Allah with emaan
in your heart, be prepared to be alone. This path you are walking is that of a
stranger—even amongst fellow Muslims.

Most people in this world, including many Muslims
(amongst laypeople and religious leaders), are not soul-centered. Thus,
whenever your beliefs and choices disagree with theirs—especially if you voice
it publicly—they immediately interpret it as a sign of disrespect, as some
hidden desire to gain attention or status, or as a dislike you have in your
heart toward them. They might even genuinely imagine your efforts to protect
your soul and that of others is some form of dhulm (wrongdoing) toward them.

This is because their spiritual mindset is rooted in personalities over principles instead of principles over personalities, and because their spiritual practice is dunya-centered and not soul-centered. Thus, they are utterly incapable of recognizing your sincere efforts to guard your soul from harm (and help other believing souls do the same), because soul-care is not concept that exists in their world.

In fact, they don’t even know what soul-care means. In their spiritual ignorance, they imagine that all that is required of the Muslim are some external rituals and claims of belief in Allah. They don’t realize that their opinions, their reactions to other people’s halaal choices, and the solutions they propose to matters already discussed by Allah and His Messenger (peace and blessings be upon him) all stem from the state of their own soul—and can actually harm or nullify their emaan, if they trespass certain bounds.

In this way, there will be many professed Muslims
who meet Allah without emaan in their hearts, and will not be excused or
forgiven for this.

That you understand the direct connection between
your opinions, choices, and teachings in the dunya and the state of your
soul—which determines your eternal life in the Hereafter—makes you a stranger
in this world.

So be prepared to be alone.

Yes, call others to this “lonely path” whenever you
can. But do not be distracted from protecting your own soul as you try so hard
to make them understand the gravity of theirs.

We live in strange times, dear soul, wherein we
have even spiritual teachers, imams, and scholars who do not understand the
meaning of emaan or the gravity of the soul. So while you must fulfill
your duty in calling others to this path, understand that *most* will not
respond—especially if they don’t see you as “qualified” or “knowledgeable”
enough to call others to this spiritual path.

Thus, it is crucial that you prioritize your own
soul-care over seeking their spiritual guidance.

Da’wah, whether to those unfamiliar with spiritual truth
or to Muslims who prefer this world over the Hereafter, is a delicate balance
between sincere, consistent inviting, and prioritizing your own soul and
well-being over anyone else’s.

May Allah protect us from ghuroor (self-deception), misguidance, and nullifying our faith while imagining ourselves to be believers.

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Umm Zakiyyah is the internationally acclaimed
author of twenty books, including the If I Should Speak trilogy, Muslim Girl , and His Other Wife . In 2019, she launched UZ Soul Gear , a passion project fueled by her love of both art
and inspirational reflections. UZSoulGear.com offers apparel, wall
décor, and more, aimed at supporting and inspiring the soul-centered lifestyle.

The post Be Prepared To Be Alone appeared first on Umm Zakiyyah.

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Published on July 02, 2019 11:06

June 28, 2019

Be Merciful to Righteous and Sinful Souls. No Need To Choose

Nothing in this world belongs to you. Nothing.

Not even your own soul is yours, as it will be
returned to its Owner once this earthly journey of yours is complete.

And all those worldly comforts and human
relationships you thought you couldn’t live without? They were just temporary
companions on your journey home. They were divine mercies—and tests—scattered
along your path. But dear soul, understand that they have a unique path of
their own.

Don’t get so distracted by looking at someone
else’s path—even if it overlaps yours—that you forget the divinely crafted path
you are decreed to walk in this world.

Our most crucial job is to stay focused on *our* spiritual
journey, without getting addicted to the mercies we taste, or distracted and
frustrated by the tests that befall us (or others), along the way.

This is no easy task.

So how to we achieve it?

By striving our level best to remain soul-focused instead
of problem-focused on our spiritual paths.

What is the difference between a spiritual path
that is soul-focused, and one that is problem-focused?

Simply put, a soul-focused spiritual path responds
to earthly trials by aligning one’s heart, choices, and desires with divine
guidance—even if we must sacrifice a temporary comfort or human relationship in
preserving our spiritual life in this world.

A problem-focused spiritual path responds to earthy
trials by attaching the heart to measurable results in this world, then
altering or rejecting divine guidance until it aligns with particular life
choices, preferences, or desires we imagine we need—or have the right to—during
our soul’s journey in this world.

Soul-focused believers are able to walk their
spiritual path while fully supporting the journey of *every* believing soul
seeking purity, as they know that no soul will gain anything except what it
earns—even when our hearts and eyes cannot perceive how. In their emaan
and tawakkul, they believe in the ghayb, and they trust in
Allah’s wisdom and plan.

Problem-focused believers are able to walk their
spiritual path while fully supporting the journey of only *some* believing
souls seeking purity, as they genuinely imagine that it is their job to ensure
that sinful or imperfect souls don’t get anything they don’t “deserve”—and that
“righteous” or “honorable” souls are guaranteed every single thing they do
“deserve.” In their lack of true emaan and tawakkul, they believe
mostly in what can be seen and measured by human judgment; and as a result, they
trust mainly in their own wisdom, convictions, and plans.

The greatest example of a truly soul-focused
believer is Prophet Muhammad (sallallaahu’alayhi wa sallam) himself. He was
able to support *every* believing soul in their earthly journey, no matter how
righteous and obedient, and no matter how imperfect or sinful.

So while we learn of him supporting every believing
woman in having the marriage she prefers—as he did with his daughter Fatimah with
respect to her husband Ali, and with Khawlah bint Tha’labah with respect to her
husband (may Allah be pleased with them)—as discussed in Surah 58, Al-Mujaadilah
“The Woman Who Complained”—we also learn from our Prophet how a prostitute
was forgiven of all her sins after feeding a thirsty dog.

And while we learn of the serious sin of killing
innocent people, we also learn from our Prophet how a man who killed 99 people
was forgiven all of his sins.

And while the Prophet never denied any believer
their rights in this world, he was also a source of emotional safety for the
troubled souls seeking to right the wrongs they’d done on earth—and never made
them feel humiliated, rejected, or abandoned in his presence, even as they were
made to understand in the depths of their hearts the gravity of their sins.

Because a problem-focused soul is unable to see or
appreciate the spiritual balance here (due to their addiction to guaranteeing
for themselves and others measurable worldly results), they will hyper-focus only
on how a “dishonorable woman” was able to commit major sin then (allegedly) get
“rewarded” for it, and how a “wretched man” was able to get away with murder,
literally, then move on with his life without ever paying for his crimes.

This, because their unhealthy focus on worldly
results makes them unable to *also* see that just because a “dishonorable” or
“wretched” person has full access to Allah’s mercy, forgiveness, and blessings
if they sincerely seek it—this in no way takes away from the mercy,
forgiveness, and blessings Allah will bestow on His consistently righteous,
obedient souls who are guilty of none of these sins.

If you are unable to apply the beautiful balance of
walking a soul-focused path in this world—by being a source of emotional safety
and empathy to yourself and all believing souls, whether “righteous” or
sinful—then you do not understand Islam.

You do not understand Islam.

But even still, do not despair, dear soul. For
Allah’s mercy and guidance are for you too.

So ask Allah to increase you in knowledge and
understanding, and in true emaan and tawakkul.

Then enjoy walking the prophetic path of a
soul-centered spiritual journey, while inviting every other believing soul—no
matter how righteous, imperfect, or sinful—to join you too.

Allah says what has been translated to mean:

“And hold fast, all of you together, to the Rope of Allah, and be not divided among yourselves. And remember Allah’s favor on you, for you were enemies to another, but He joined your hearts together, so that by His Grace, you became brethren [in faith]. And you were on the brink of a pit of Fire, and He saved you from it. Thus Allah makes His signs clear to you, that you may be guided” (Ali ‘Imraan, 3:103).

He also says:

“And say, ‘The truth is from your Lord.’ Then whosoever wills, let him believe, and whosoever wills, let him disbelieve…” (Al-Kahf, 18:29).

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Published on June 28, 2019 12:22

June 25, 2019

Wronging Others For the Sake of Justice

right to do wrong.

i have the right

to abuse you

because you

remind me of

other abusers

—unhealed wounds

I know that for some people, my sharing the story
of how I almost left Islam and of how I reached such a dark place that I nearly
took my own life is a cause for mockery and condescension toward me. They say
this in order to dismiss the work I’m doing and to cast doubt on the spiritual
lessons I’m sharing. They say that it is
my trauma that guides my work more than Islamic sincerity and right guidance. And
I don’t blame them.

Why? Because I know on a deeply personal level how it feels to be drowning so much in the waves of emotional pain and spiritual darkness that you feel compelled to wear the garments of religiosity in front of the people—even at the price of your own healing, self-honesty, and soul-care.

In this state, when we hear someone share their
vulnerability for the purpose of deriving a spiritual lesson—particularly if the
lesson compels us to examine our own souls and repent—our unhealed wounds force
us to reject it. Then we genuinely imagine this rejection is a sign of religious
strength and “remaining firm upon the haqq.”

What is happening in this moment is that we are
processing our religious garment as the faith itself. This is where we imagine
that the public spiritual role we are fulfilling is a genuine representation of
the sincerity and dedication to Islamic truth within our hearts. However, the
truth leak comes when we are called to the guidance of Allah—particularly from
someone we view as religiously inferior—and it threatens the comfortable
religious garment we are wearing. Thus, we react with mockery, condescension,
and seeking to expose the person’s faults or shameful aspects of their personal
lives.

In this, our hope is that no one will see our
broken soul if they are laughing at someone’s broken life.

Trials
of the Soul

We have all been in a space that threatens our
spiritual self-image and incites unhealthy pride, and we will continue to. It
is one of many spiritual trials that Allah sends while we are on this earth.
These trials are both warnings and mercies to us. The warning is in how they
expose to us the very depths of our hearts as we are called to fear Allah. The
mercy is in how this gives us the opportunity to reconnect with the spiritual
life we were seeking before we got off course. And how we respond to this trial
reveals to us whether or not our current claims of sincerity and belief in Allah
are true.

May
Allah help us respond with humility, repentance, and self-correction each time
we are face this spiritual trial.

It is because I know on a deeply personal level how
easy it is to fail this spiritual trial that I strive daily to do all I can to
protect my nafs from the evil within itself. SubhaanAllah, by
Allah, I know how easy it is to fall victim to pride and self-deception. When
we fall victim to this kibr and ghuroor, we imagine that what we
claim on our tongues about our public spiritual role is an accurate representation
of Islamic sincerity in our hearts.

And this terrifies me. And I ask Allah daily to
protect me from failing this test, as I fear meeting Him with claims of emaan
on my tongue but none in my heart.

This fear is one of the very reasons that I share
so much about my own personal struggles and spiritual trauma. While this
personal sharing doesn’t guarantee my protection from pride and self-deception,
it certainly helps.

But here’s another benefit I find in sharing my own
faulty healing journey, even as some aspects are humiliating and embarrassing at
times: There really are so many spiritual lessons and personal benefits we can
draw from them.

I remember how when I was in the throes of my own emotional
trauma and spiritual wounding, I searched so hard for stories of other Muslims
who had faced what I was facing. But I found none. I felt so lonely and
distraught that I swore that if Allah brought me through this difficult trial,
I would be at least one voice of vulnerability and self-honesty for other hurting
believers to turn to when they had nowhere else to go.

So after Allah bestowed His mercy upon me and
allowed me to hold on to my emaan and nourish my emotional and spiritual
health, I began to share my own story of navigating trauma, in hopes of being a
source of compassion and empathy to my struggling sisters and brothers in
faith.

I pray Allah accepts it from me.

But more important than my personal journey itself
is this truth that even mental health professionals and sincere spiritual
teachers have uncovered: Vulnerability and self-honesty are much more effective
in rectifying both spiritual and societal problems than wearing the public
garment of being a savior or sorts. This is where we imagine ourselves to be
“speaking out firmly against injustice” and rectifying community problems, while
almost never realizing that we ourselves can be a source of dhulm
(wrongdoing and oppression) on earth.

Understanding
the Dhulm You Prefer

What system of dhulm (wrongdoing and oppression)
are you supporting in your life?

This might sound like an odd question because
usually when we think of dhulm, we think of standing up against it to
confront someone else. But how often do we confront our own souls? And here,
I’m not simply speaking about the dhulm we do by falling into sin and
wrongdoing and then repenting immediately thereafter. I’m speaking about the
sin and wrongdoing we do to ourselves—and others—by being open supporters of dhulm
when it benefits us in some way, or at the very least when it doesn’t disrupt
our comfortable lives.

Today, our hearts are hurting so much because dhulm
has become so widespread that we witness the most horrific crimes against
humanity as a matter of course, and it’s hard to fathom how anyone could do
this to others, and repeatedly. I too am feeling that level of shock and helplessness.
What is going on with this world? It is unimaginable.

But we aren’t as helpless—or innocent—as we think.

Dhulm cannot get to this level unless it is first
supported on smaller levels.

None of us is completely without fault or blame in
this.

How
We Love Injustice

In my book, Faith. From the Journal of Umm
Zakiyyah, I share this reflection:

We, this modern generation, are a people who love
injustice so long as we are the ones inflicting it. Our cries against
wrongdoing are loud and clear when it is our lives touched by harm. But when we
see some worldly benefit for ourselves, we rush to inflict harm on others then
declare that it is our right.

So amongst us are those who stand up to fight
racism then declare their own people are superior in the eyes of God.

And amongst us are men who speak openly about their
rights in the home then prevent their wives from having even minds of their
own.

And amongst us are women who speak openly about
their rights in marriage, yet keep their children from their own fathers in the
case of divorce.

And amongst us are those who fight for the right of
everyone to marry whom they chose, then verbally abuse virgin women who prefer
older men, or any man or woman who chooses polygyny.

And amongst us are parents who speak endlessly
about their God-given rights to obedience and respect, yet they make their
children’s lives hell if they so much as hold an Islamic view or personal
opinion that differs from them.

And the list goes on and on…

And then we sit and genuinely wonder why corruption
and injustice are widespread in the world, while we need only to look honestly
at how we behave in our homes and with our tongues and social media
accounts—when encountering something *we* dislike.

The true measure of fighting injustice is not when
you are suffering harm and you speak up against it, but when you are gaining
worldly benefit when someone else is suffering harm, yet you sacrifice your own
personal opinions, desires, and worldly comforts in the pursuit of what is
right before God.

Dhulm
Feels Good

Dhulm (wrongdoing and oppression) always feels good when
we’re the ones benefiting from it—and imagining it to be a “good cause.”

So today, it feels good to say that a woman who has
had unlawful sex with a married man should be forbidden from marrying him,
ever. It feels good because this new rule is for a “good cause.”

It was also for a “good cause” that some Eastern
cultures arrange marriages for their girls without their consent. In many
cases, this was to preserve the strength and stability of the families and
cultures, and to protect the family lineage and wealth from being “wrecked” by
outsiders.

And to be sure, those cultures still steeped in FGM
(female genital mutilation) claim the “good cause” of preventing sexually
promiscuous women from ruining themselves and the honor of families and homes.

It is chilling that these two good
causes—protecting “wrecking” from outsiders and preventing sexually promiscuous
women from ruining a family’s honor—are the precise reasons that we so
willingly accept this new rule of “a mistress can never be a wife” being put
forth by an American imam (and why we so willingly label sinful women
“dishonorable” even after they repent).

Similar good causes are the very reasons that many
American Muslims so willingly reject the ayaat in Qur’an that permit polygyny.

And similar good causes are the very reasons that
many Muslims of immigrant backgrounds so willingly reject the prophetic Sunnah
permitting intercultural marriage.

And the list goes on.

To be sure, nearly all of these customs and
rejection of divine guidance began with someone’s misguided, perhaps sincere,
efforts to preserve the honor and dignity of families, homes, and cultures.

But Allah tells us what has been translated to
mean, “Whosoever desires honor, power and glory then to Allah belong all
honor, power and glory. To Him ascend (all) the goodly words, and the righteous
deeds exalt it, but those who plot evils, theirs will be severe torment. And
the plotting of such will perish” (Al-Faatir, 35:10).

And let’s be very mindful that plotting evil does
not necessarily mean that we consciously intend to plot evil. We can be
plotting evil and genuinely imagine we’re just putting forth new rules for a “good
cause,” or we’re just responding “firmly” to the destruction of families
happening in our communities. Thus, our “sincerity” makes our hearts unable to
heed the warning when someone tells us to fear Allah. However, in reality, the
greatest losers in the Hereafter are those who imagine they are doing good
deeds but when they are called back to the guidance of Allah, they reject it.
This can happen in the form of the serious sin while we are still Muslims, or
it can reach the level of disbelief.

Allah says, “Say, ‘Shall We tell you of those
who lose most in respect of their deeds? Those whose efforts have been wasted
in this life, while they thought they were acquiring good by their deeds? They
are those who deny the Signs of their Lord and the fact of their meeting with
Him. So their works are in vain, and on the Day of Judgment, We shall not give
them any weight’ ” (Al-Kahf, 18:103-105).

Allah also says, “And when it is said to them,
‘Make not mischief on the earth,’ they say, ‘We are only peacemakers.’ Verily
they are the ones who make mischief, but they perceive not” (Al-Baqarah,
2:11).

Thus, we can imagine ourselves to be trailblazing a
good cause but actually be the source of serious harm (to ourselves and others)
on earth. May Allah protect us.

When Muslims are involved in these misguided “good
causes”—especially when they are spiritual teachers, imams, or scholars— they
almost always have daleel or “proofs” for why they are permitted to
either reject the teachings of Allah on the subject or to put forth new
teachings in rectfiying the issue.

I refer to this is “fiqhi acrobatics” (i.e. when
authentic evidences are used for misguided purposes, even if sincere). I refer
to the misguided ideology itself as “glorified victimhood”
(i.e. when the ostensible purpose is to respond to or remove a dhulm,
but the method involves inflicting dhulm itself).

What makes these fiqhi acrobatics and glorified victimhood
ideologies so prevalent amongst even the sincerest spiritual teachers
and imams is them confusing the Islamic right of a Muslim judge, scholar, or
advisor to give a fatwa or solution in addressing a very specific
personal problem or case, with their own “religious right” to introduce a new
rule or to forbid something that is halaal, with the “good cause”
intention of addressing a general problem that potentially affects the lives of
all believers.

The
Solution is Soul-Focus vs. Problem-Focus

What is so profound and beautiful about Islam is
that inherent within its spiritual system is a formula that rectifies both
internal problems (i.e. within the heart and soul) and external problems (i.e. within
the community and world)—at the same time. In other words, the same spiritual
guidance that gives us a direct prescription for purifying our souls and
ultimately entering Paradise also gives us a direct prescription for purifying
societal ills and ultimately establishing a community rooted in preserving the
honor and integrity of homes and families. This, while at the same time
nourishing each person’s emotional and spiritual health.

This is achieved through the establishment of
spiritual foundations, principles, and guidelines, as well as the requirement
to adhere to the rules of halaal and haraam, as well as to our
personal and religious obligations.

What is so profound in this system is that Allah
already recognizes the very problems that we are trying to fix with our new
rules and “good causes.” In this, He has given us not only guidelines requiring
us to respect certain moral boundaries and to never violate others’ rights, He
has also given us the guidelines for rectifying wrongs and atoning for sins
when—not if—we fail in our personal and spiritual duties.

At the root of this system is Tawheed—the
sincere belief in Allah and our recognition that we will meet Him on the Day of
Judgment to answer for our time on earth—and our nearly limitless access to His
mercy and forgiveness, as well as seeking our own blessings and enjoyments on
earth.

Our challenge is that we as humans continuously
confuse our worldly blessings and personal enjoyments with our spiritual
purpose and religious rights on earth. In this, we become so intoxicated by the
joys of wealth, status, and blessed marriages and families that we actually
begin believe that these joys are our rights. But in the system of Tawheed—which
focuses on the soul’s journey to the Hereafter—these external joys are trials
(i.e. tests of faith), just as our internal suffering and spiritual crises are
internal tests of faith.

When we lose sight of the Hereafter and fixate on
what we feel we deserve in this world, our focus becomes problem-centered
instead of soul-centered. This shift in focus, though often unconscious, then
leads us to address problems by rejecting certain guidelines from Allah (i.e.
intercultural marriage, polygyny in modern times, etc.) and introducing our own
new rules in their place (i.e. forced marriage, mistresses should be forbidden
from marrying their lovers even after repentance, etc.). We then defend our new
rules by pointing to societal ills like broken families, cheating men,
promiscuous women, and so on—not realizing that we are merely fighting one dhulm
by replacing it with another.

However, in our sincerity and dedication to the
“good cause,” we don’t always see what’s happening. In fact, it often takes
generations upon generation to pass before the horrific effects of our
misguided sincerity becomes apparent (i.e. FGM today).

What is deeply profound and healing about Islam is that, by the mercy of Allah, inherent in the spiritual guidelines of the Qur’an and prophetic guidance is the formula for protecting us from our own selves—personally and spiritually, and in the short-term and long-term—even when we do not even perceive the harm Allah is protecting us from.

How? Allah relieves us from the burden of
perception through the obligation of submission.

SubhaanAllah, if we only knew the immeasurable mercy in this.
The very fact that we are not weighed down by the burden of having to perceive
every potential harm in our choices is a mercy in itself. But Allah shows us
over and over again, when we trust in Him, when we believe in His wisdom, even
when it is beyond our perception and understanding (i.e. when we truly and
sincerely believe in the ghayb), He will shower His mercy, forgiveness,
and blessings upon us—in this world and in the Hereafter.

Moreover, even as He requires us to trust in His
wisdom, He gives us full freedom to live out our personal lives as we wish. In
this, we are not burdened with any specific rules of what we must or must not
do, except in our obligation to respect the boundaries He has drawn, whether in
fulfilling our own halaal choices, or in respecting the right of others
to choose their own.

For the believer who is soul-focused instead of a
problem-focused, he or she sees right away that there is limitless mercy and
wisdom in this personal freedom, even beyond what we can perceive. However, for
the one who is problem-focused instead of soul-focused, they can only see how others
are getting blessings and enjoyments they don’t “deserve,” while they
themselves are being denied blessings and enjoyments they do “deserve.”

It is this unhealthy problem-focus that inspires so
many sincere people, including spiritual teachers and imams, to introduce new
laws to prevent this apparent “injustice” from happening.

Herein begins another cycle of dhulm on
earth, which was inspired by a “good cause.”

Soul-Care
and Emotional Healing Are Needed

As I’ve mentioned on many an occasion, I know on a
deeply personal level how it feels to be trapped in a world of unhealed pain
and trauma. In this space, our wounds are in danger of becoming pockets of
spiritual darkness (which inspire us to create systems of dhulm rooted
in guaranteeing blessings that humans can see and measure) instead of beautiful
scars pointing us to spiritual light, which inspire within our lives and hearts
beautiful patience and tawakkul, as we trust that our blessings are
coming, even when we cannot see or measure them—and even when it feels like
others are getting blessings they don’t deserve (i.e. “Why does a mistress get
the blessing of a husband and blessed marriage after sin?”)

However, the journey of internal healing such that we walk in spiritual guidance instead of calling to spiritual darkness (even in sincerity) is not an easy one, and it is not one that can be achieved one day and left alone for the rest of our lives. It is the journey of the soul itself. It is the very essence of jihaadun-nafs, that heart-wrenching battle of the soul against itself.

Allah tells us in the Qur’an, “And in no wise covet those things in which Allah has bestowed His gifts more freely on some of you than on others. To men is allotted what they earn, and to women what they earn. But ask Allah of His bounty. For Allah has full knowledge of all things” (An-Nisaa, 4:32).

In this, Allah is giving us the timeless wisdom of
focusing on our own self-improvement, emotional healing, and soul-care. He is also
letting us know that there is no need to create manmade systems designed to
block the blessings and halaal choices of His servants while ensuring the
blessings and halaal choices from others amongst His servants.

Allah Himself knows what each person, whether male
or female, has earned in their lives, whether public or secret. Moreover, as we
know from the Qur’an, prophetic teachings, and personal experience what often
what appears as a blessing in someone’s life is merely a painful trial as a
result of their sins, and what appears as a painful trial in another person’s
life is really a tremendous blessing as a purification because of Allah’s Love
for them.

Because, as Allah teaches us, everyone will get
what they deserve.

And trust and believe, that beyond what Our Lord—who is Al-Hakeem, Al-Baseer (The All-Wise, The All Seeing)—has specifically prescribed in His Book and through the prophetic teachings, He does not need our help in meting out punishments to sinful people and withholding blessings from “undeserving” people.

Furthermore, if there is something that we sincerely
desire for our own lives, it won’t be achieved by complaining about the
blessings of others, or by seeking to control the lives of others. It will granted
by turning to the very One who granted it to them in the first place—by us humbly
asking Him of His bounty regarding what you desire for yourself.

If we understand this spiritual guidance and lesson from the depths of our souls, we would never seek to create or support systems that seek to do God’s job on His behalf. If we do, we might imagine we’re championing some good cause or stopping dhulm. But in reality, all we would be doing is wronging others in the name of justice, thereby sullying our own souls with dhulm.

Umm Zakiyyah is the internationally acclaimed
author of twenty books, including the If I Should Speak trilogy, Muslim Girl , and His Other Wife . In 2019, she launched UZ Soul Gear , a passion project fueled by her love of both art
and inspirational reflections. UZSoulGear.com offers apparel, wall
décor, and more, aimed at supporting and inspiring the soul-centered lifestyle.

Subscribe
to Umm Zakiyyah’s YouTube channel , follow her on Instagram or Twitter , and join her Facebook page.

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Published on June 25, 2019 13:49

June 23, 2019

A Mistress Has No Lord?

This must be what it
feels like to give up on your soul,
I remember thinking years ago when I nearly left Islam. During that difficult time,
I began to understand emotional pain like I never did before. I began to
understand spiritual darkness like I never did before. And I began to
understand sin like I never did before.

And
I found myself inclined to do things I never imagined I would.

Part
of me was terrified about this, and another part of me just didn’t care. I’m
probably going to Hell anyway, I sometimes thought, so what does it
matter?

Thankfully,
I fought hard against my nafs during this time, harder than I’ve ever
fought, and Allah allowed me to hold on to me emaan in the end. By
Allah’s mercy, other than nearly giving up my Islam, I was protected from major
sins during that time. But I’ve never forgotten the hopelessness I felt when I
wanted to be Muslim but feared I could not. I’ve never forgotten the
desperation I felt at when I thought there was no hope for lost souls like
mine.

And
I’ve never forgotten how it felt to be consistently dismissed, humiliated, and slandered
by my brothers and sister in faith, and treated like my soul didn’t matter as
much as “honorable people.”

And
I’ve never forgotten how close I came to taking my own life because the dark
waters of depression and spiritual wounding told me that there was no point in
living since I caused so much harm to myself and others by my mere existence on
earth.

No Hope for Females Who
Sin?

My
own dark moments of spiritual despair are what I recalled when I heard an American
imam effectively saying that when it comes to sexual sin for women, there is no
hope for reform or marriage, ever—even if she has repented and changed her
life. She will always be a “dishonorable woman,” and the married man who violated
her private parts in adultery should never “honor” her with the title of wife.
And if he does marry her, she will never be a real wife, because any woman who
has ever been a mistress will always be a mistress, even after she leaves the
sin. So never honor a dishonorable woman, this imam advises.

As
for the man, his honor is untouched by his sexual sin, as the honorable title
husband always applies to him—no matter what immorality he is involved in.

Then
the imam earned lots of praise and support from Muslim men and women for
these un-Islamic, anti-women statements. How did he achieve this? He mentioned
polygamy in the context of his un-Islamic teachings.

Because
in American Muslim culture, the rule is this: Neither the guidance of Allah
nor the rights of the believer apply when plural marriage is involved—particularly
when discussed from the perspective of a female who is “the other woman.”

Once a Mistress Always a
Mistress?

If you are a Muslim leader in America today, this
is hands-down one of the fastest ways to get claps and likes in any discussion
of Islamic marriage: Mention polygamy, adultery, and betrayal in the same
context, and then draw out a “lesson” that ostensibly honors the monogamous
first wife—through vilifying and insulting the other woman. And this public
humiliation is completely justified because this other woman is a “home
wrecker” seeking to be the second wife.

When you can further link polygamy to the actual
sin of adultery and betrayal, all of the cruelty you inflict on the other woman
will win you far more than mere claps and likes. You’ll now get a full bonfire
of cheers with flames of praise roaring so high that they could heat up the
entire earth.

If you are of the male sex while doing this and
also carry the title imam or scholar, then you are beyond the object of roaring
praise, you are a Muslim superhero sent from God Himself. In this superhero
role, your job is to save Muslim families from ruin—and monogamous marriages
from being “wrecked” with dishonorable women using the guise of polygyny to
destroy a family. If you are in polygamy yourself while fulfilling your
superhero role, it is your job as a man to publicly insult and humiliate any
woman who seeks to participate in this type of marriage, particularly if she
has not fulfilled your definition of an “honorable woman.”

The
Imam’s Advice

In
his advice, the imam addresses men in polygyny (or seeking polygyny): “Dear
Muslim men in polygyny (or thinking about going into polygyny), when you marry
your mistress (i.e. the intendent who you’ve been courting in a haram manner),
you are honoring someone who is dishonorable, and dishonoring someone who is
honorable (i.e. your wife).”

In
a follow-up video defending his original post, this American imam goes on to
say to “dishonorable women” specifically, “…And I call it what it is. You are a
mistress. So if you have been in a mistress role, don’t shoot the messenger.
Don’t get mad at me for calling it what it is. You are not a second wife. I’m
not validating that. There is no validation for that…”

Marriage Is Forbidden
for Sinful Women?

In
practical application, the imam’s teachings mean this: Once a woman has fallen
into fornication, marriage itself is forbidden for her, specifically to the man
who enjoyed her private parts with the promise of this very marriage itself. In
contrast, once a man has fallen into adultery, not only does he have the right
to marriage itself (i.e. by retaining his current wife whom he betrayed), he
gets the “Muslim superhero” status if he then openly renounces the
“dishonorable woman” he slept with. Never mind that this woman’s “dishonor”
came about as a direct result of this man violating her private parts for his
own pleasure.

Moreover,
even if the husband decides to violate this imam’s “honor code” by marrying
this “dishonorable” woman, she is forever denied the title of wife. Instead,
she must carry the title of sinner and mistress to her grave—like a red A
for “adulteress” permanently branded on her soul.

According
to this imam, for a woman who has fallen into sin and repented, even if she
fulfills the requirements of Allah for a nikaah, her marriage to the man
is invalid. This, because for the woman, the sin of zina is the very
definition of her existence (even after she repents), while for the man, he can
atone for his sin by agreeing to forever dishonor the woman whose private parts
he violated during adultery.

Moreover,
the husband has so much honor inherent in his male blood alone, according to
this imam, that even when he is guilty of major sin itself, he has the power to
bestow honor upon the woman he betrayed (i.e. his current wife) and withhold
honor upon the woman he sexually violated (i.e. his mistress).

How Should a Cheating
Husband Repent?

What
is upon every soul, male and female, is to sincerely repent from every sin they
fall into, especially major sin. This means leaving the sin, regretting the
sin, and having the sincere determination to never partake in that sin
again—this in addition to constantly begging Allah for forgiveness.

For
a cheating husband (as opposed to the single female whose private parts he has
violated), there is the added responsibility of guarding and protecting the
rights of his current wife and being careful not to further traumatize her
emotionally or spiritually. In practical application, this means that he must
respect and honor his wife’s rights to protect her own emotional and spiritual
health, as well as to live a life of dignity and respect on this earth. If she
would like a divorce, he should respect that. If she is unwilling to live in
polygyny, he should respect that too.

However,
under no circumstances should a cheating husband humiliate or vilify another
soul in seeking to purify his own. Therefore, he should recognize that all
honor rests with Allah, not with his decision to marry or discard the woman he
took advantage of sexually. In this, he needs to recognize that he does not
even have the ability to bestow or withhold honor from anyone. Because the
honor is not within him. It is with Allah.

Thus,
it is quite possible that the sincere regret and repentance of the woman who
committed zina with him has raised her status in front of Allah such
that she has been granted a level of spiritual honor and dignity that this man could
never reach—in this world or in the Hereafter—even if he himself repents.

Therefore,
a believing man with even an ounce of real manhood and spiritual dignity would
never call another believing soul dishonorable, especially a female soul whose
private parts he violated for his own sexual pleasure. If anything, he would
say to her, “I ask Allah to forgive me for what I have done, and I ask you to
forgive me. For I have failed miserably in my role as a qawwaam, a
guardian and protector of women on this earth, and I pray that Allah grants you
someone better than me as a companion and a husband.”

In
this, he is taking accountability for his own dishonorable behavior, he is
respecting the emotional and spiritual needs of his current wife, and he is
recognizing that the woman he violated has a soul that belongs to Allah alone,
the same Lord whom He is turning to in his own repentance.

What If He Wants
Polygyny?

If
after both the man and woman have repented, the husband desires to marry this
woman as a second wife, then he needs to understand that his current wife has
every right to reject participating in this marriage.

However,
whether or not the man and woman separate or get married after repentance is a
personal choice, not a religious obligation or prohibition.

We
learn this from the prophetic guidance in Istikhaarah: When making
personal choices, it is upon each of us is to consult Allah and the believers
in seeking to do what is best for our lives, personal circumstances, and
souls—and to respect other believing souls doing the same.

My Personal Limits Are
Not Allah’s Laws

Before going on, let me make something very clear
regarding my personal views on this subject, as I shared with one of my sisters
in faith online (who felt I wasn’t being sensitive to the current wife’s
feelings in the case of a man repenting from adultery and seeking polygyny
thereafter):

On
an emotional level, I cannot imagine committing adultery or being married to a
man who has, let alone agreeing to be part of polygamy after a man has
committed adultery. I don’t think I could ever accept this, even if the man and
woman repented. And alhamdulillaah this is
my right in front of Allah.

However,
my personal rights and limitations don’t change Allah’s laws for all believers.

Allah’s Honor Code vs.
The Imam’s

In
the merciful deen of Islam, when it comes to the honor or dishonor of the human
soul, Allah does not differentiate between monogamy and polygyny, nor does he
differentiate between male and female (or husband and wife). No male can bestow
honor on a female, and no female can bestow honor on a male. It is Allah alone
who bestows honor, power, or glory on anyone.

Allah
says what has been translated to mean, “Whosoever desires honor, power and
glory, then to Allah belong all honor, power and glory. To Him ascend (all) the
goodly words, and the righteous deeds exalt it, but those who plot evils,
theirs will be severe torment. And the plotting of such will perish” (Al-Faatir,
35:10).

Allah
also says, “And those who, when they have committed Faahishah
(illegal sexual intercourse etc.) or wronged themselves with evil, remember
Allah and ask forgiveness for their sins; – and none can forgive sins but Allah
– And do not persist in what (wrong) they have done, while they know. For such,
the reward is Forgiveness from their Lord, and Gardens with rivers flowing
underneath (Paradise), wherein they shall abide forever. How excellent is this
reward for the doers (who do righteous deeds according to Allah’s Orders)” (Ali’Imraan,
3:135-136)

Regarding
who should marry whom, Allah says, “Let no man who is an adulterer or
fornicator marry any woman except a woman who is [also] an adulterer or
fornicator, or a pagan…” (An-Noor, 24:3).

Regarding
labeling chaste believing women as sexually dishonorable, Allah says, “And
those who accuse chaste women, and produce not four witnesses, flog them with
eighty stripes, and reject their testimony forever, they indeed are rebellious
and disobedient. Except those who repent thereafter and do righteous deeds.
Verily, Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful” (An-Noor, 24:5)

With
that in mind, let us look again at the imam’s advice on these topics: “Dear
Muslim men in polygyny (or thinking about going into polygyny), when you marry
your mistress (i.e. the intendent who you’ve been courting in a haram manner),
you are honoring someone who is dishonorable, and dishonoring someone who is
honorable (i.e. your wife)…And I call it what it is. You are a mistress. So if
you have been in a mistress role, don’t shoot the messenger. Don’t get mad at
me for calling it what it is. You are not a second wife. I’m not validating
that. There is no validation for that…”

Sinful Men Are Prizes
for Honorable Women?

In
these male “honor code” discussions (like that put forth by the imam), sinful
men are prizes whose sins don’t define them, as every woman should feel honored
to be married to one of them, irrespective of his sins. Even when these men
persist in their sin and wrongdoing, they have the ability to bestow and
withhold honor upon the women they consistently disrespect—including those with
whom they shared the same major sin.

In
implementing this male honor code, sinful men can sit high and mighty upon the
throne of adultery and soul-destruction, and randomly and arrogantly decide
which lowly female to “honor” in allowing her to marry him, or to stay married
to him.

Yet in the Qur’an, Allah forbids the marriage
between an adulterer man and a chaste woman, and an adulteress woman and a
chaste man. But according to the imam’s honor code, only the woman’s sins can
deny her the honorable right to marriage. Why? Because a sinful man has so much
honor in him that his title of “husband” can never be disturbed. In fact, he
can decide to bestow or withhold that honor from females and then define these
women’s honor based on his actions and choices alone!

However, in the Qur’an Allah teaches us that the
female souls who are chaste (whether through repentance or having lived a
consistently righteous life), are too honorable to be yoked in marriage to lowly,
unrepentant sinful men—irrespective of whether or not that bond is in monogamy
or polygyny.

We
Need Self-Love

In order for us as women to see and understand this
degrading honor code rooted in male worship and female degradation, we must
love ourselves enough to recognize when a sinful, unrepentant man is not fit to
be our leader or husband, no matter how much we love and admire him in our
hearts (or beds).

As imperfect believing women, we also need to
understand this painful reality when we interact with Muslim men (whether in
marriage or seeking to get married): The way of this world is rooted in
misogyny more than morality, even amongst many Muslims who claim to call to
Allah.

In practical reality, this means that a man can sin
a thousand times over and have his reputation untouched or even improved
as a result. In contrast, a woman can be completely sin-free and merely seek to
marry a man in polygamy and she’s labeled a home-wrecker and a mistress, and
her name is dragged through the mud—by men and women alike—even amongst some
carrying the title of Islamic teacher, imam, or scholar.

So we can only imagine how hopeless a woman’s case would
be in front of these men and women (who are her brothers and sisters in faith) if
she is ever tested with falling into major sin, especially with a married man (may
Allah protect us and forgive us).

So I caution my fellow sisters to be extra careful
in guarding your chastity in this world, because while Allah is Forgiving and Merciful
no matter what sin you have committed, many professed believers are not, even
amongst some spiritual teachers, imams, and scholars.

And understand this, my dear struggling sister: No
matter what the truth is regarding your innocence or guilt in your interactions
with a man, those Muslims (amongst men and women) who ascribe to the
male “honor code” will almost always define true honor by the actions and
choices of men—and define dishonor by your very existence or a male’s decision
to discard you, even if you are guilty of nothing except seeking a type of
marriage they dislike.

Honor
Codes and Lynch Mobs

Inherent in this male honor code is the destructive
“Muslim superhero” culture, wherein the followers of misguided imams and leaders
act as social lynch mobs whose job is to blindly support the vilification of anyone
the imam targets in his rage. When a woman is the target, especially in the
context of polygyny (even if no sin is involved), these mobs will almost always
champion how cruelly and quickly a man can cast aside the “home-wrecker” or humiliate
this “whore.”

In the case of actual adultery, this superhero culture
teaches that women should feel honored to lie next to a man who has chosen her
and her alone after violating the private parts of her sister, but then
followed it up by vowing to abandon and socially lynch her after the fact (i.e.
“I’ll never honor a dishonorable woman by marrying her!”).

This is the way American Muslims champion “honor
killings.” While the East seeks to bury bodies, we in the West seek to bury
souls.

But in front of Allah, every soul has the right to
spiritual life, and every soul has the right to seek the pleasure and company
of her Lord—irrespective of whether she is repenting from being a mistress or
striving upon a life of sustained chastity and always avoiding sexual sin.

Final
Reminder from UZ Journal

Be mindful of what you are becoming with the
choices you are making and the habits you’re falling into, especially if you
are responsible for others in any way. If you are a mother or father, a
counselor or coach, or a community activist or spiritual leader; the heavy
responsibility you carry with every word you utter cannot be overstated.

And you’ll be called to account for every
word—especially if uttered while teaching others or giving advice. If your role
includes spiritual guidance, this already heavy responsibility is even
weightier for you.

So be careful.

And listen with your heart when someone reminds you
to fear Allah.

Listen closely, dear soul. I beseech you to listen
closely.

Then repent and self-correct.

Not only because your soul needs it, but also
because your role compels it of you.

But what is this role, exactly?

We are the guardians, protectors, and supporters of
every believing soul seeking purity. This is how I’d describe the weighty role
of spiritual teachers, imams, and scholars in this world. In fulfilling this
sacred duty, no soul is more blessed or damned than another, as we have no idea
what lies in the heart of any child of Adam—even those obviously in the throes
of overcoming major sin.

In fulfilling this sacred duty, we have no idea who
is more beloved to Allah, even when the faults and sins of one person is more
painfully obvious than another’s.

Yes, inherent in this sacred duty is the obligation
to speak the truth about the seriousness of sin and the dangers of sullying our
souls if we do not repent before our deaths.

Yes, inherent in this sacred duty is the obligation
to stand firm upon right guidance and make clear to the people when they are
treading the path of destroying their souls.

Yes, inherent in this sacred duty is the obligation
to never trivialize or support any wrongdoing, even when the desires or
frustrations in our own hearts make us inclined to do so.

But most importantly, inherent in this sacred duty
is the obligation of the painful and agonizing daily battle of wrestling
against our own nafs, until we muffle and restrain our deepest frustrations and
desires that incite our tongues to say of Allah, this deen, or of any believer
that of which we have no right.

O Allah! I beg You to purify our hearts, guide
us to self-honesty and repentance, and help us to never use our tongues to
recite Your Name publicly for any purpose other than sincerely reminding every
soul to find refuge in You.

“And those who remain patient seeking their Lord’s Countenance, who establish regular prayers, who spend of what We have bestowed for their sustenance, secretly and openly; and who repel evil with good. For such there is the final attainment of the [Eternal] home, Gardens of perpetual bliss. They shall enter there, as well as the righteous among their parents, their spouses, and their offspring. And angels shall come unto them from every gate [and say], ‘Peace be upon you, as you persevered in patience! Now how excellent is the final home!’”
—Qur’an (Al-Ra’ad, 13:22-24)

Book Cover of Let's Talk About Sex and Muslim Love by Umm Zakiyyah, photo of half face of Muslim woman in red/pink hijab looking pensive

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Published on June 23, 2019 16:28

February 2, 2019

Prejudice Bones in My Body

The following is an excerpt from the book Prejudice Bones in My Body: Essays on Muslim Racism, Bigotry and Spiritual Abuse by Umm Zakiyyah:

“Good,” she said so matter-of-factly that I was momentarily confused. Blinking, I held the phone’s receiver as I processed this simple response that held little connection to what I had just said.

It
was months after the 9-11 attacks, and I had just shared with my friend my
distress over Muslims being unjustly detained and imprisoned on charges of
“terrorism,” an injustice that affected mostly immigrant Muslims.

“Now
they’ll know how it feels.”

I
felt weak as the cruelty of her words took meaning. Like myself, my
friend had repeatedly encountered the sober reality that dulled any lingering
dreams of the “universality of Islam.” Muslims worldwide were “brothers and
sisters” in Islam, we had been taught, joined by a bond that transcended color,
race, and ethnicity. And we’d believed it — until we met those “brothers
and sisters.”

But
my friend’s hurt was deeper than mine. While I had grown up Muslim
because my parents had accepted Islam the year I was born, my friend had
accepted Islam after the tumultuous confusion of disbelief. Part of her
inspiration for embracing the religion was its universality — which was an
antidote to the colorism and racism that had plagued her life since
childhood. She had never imagined that while the “universality of Islam”
was an authentic concept, the universality of Islamic brotherhood was not.

In
that brief moment — as I held the phone, shocked at what she’d just said — I felt
a host of emotions. Disgust, anger, and helplessness…

For
years, my friend had been a mentor and confidante to me. I had
admired her self-confidence, her remarkable intelligence, and her persevering
strength. She would offer me a shoulder when I was despondent, and a
patient, attentive ear when I was distressed. And always it was her
optimism, even in the face of adversity, that I cherished most. But we
had lost friends along the way, she and I. Some to disbelief, some
to betrayal, and some to death…

Good.
Now they’ll know how it feels.

At
the reminder of her words, I understood the source of my pain.

Now,
I had lost her too.

If I Were Rich…

“If I were rich,” I
proclaimed earnestly one day while chatting with my sister, “I would give soooo
much money to the poor.”

My
sister nodded heartily in agreement. As we were in our early teens at the
time, we were having a difficult time understanding all the “rich snobbery” in
the world. There was plenty of wealth, but somehow there were still
starving children, homeless people, and so many who did not have even the small
conveniences of life.

And
it hurt most that Muslims played a part in this injustice. In our very
own hometown, my sister and I regularly witnessed the way affluent Muslims
treated others — and how we ourselves were treated time after time.
People behaved as if our not being wealthy was something that affected not only
our material lifestyle but our personal character or likeability as well.
And it didn’t escape us that this mistreatment was most pronounced by wealthy
Muslims who did not share our brown skin and “Black American” status.

“People
don’t change overnight,” someone interjected in response. My sister and I
stopped talking and looked up to find our father walking toward us. We
hadn’t realized he was in earshot.

“If
you don’t share what you have right now,” he said, “you won’t share it when you
have more.” He explained, “If you’re not willing to let your sister wear your
new shirt” — the example touched on an argument my sister and I had just had
earlier that day (I was upset with her for trying to wear my new clothes before
I had a chance to) — “then don’t think anything’s going to change when you have
a lot of money.” He paused. “The only difference will be that
you’ll have a lot more that you’re not willing to share.”

It
has been more than twenty years since my father spoke these words, and still,
they stay with me. His simple insight incited in me a self-reflection
that I had never engaged in. Before then, I hadn’t thought of myself as
greedy or selfish. I hadn’t imagined that those whose stinginess I
resented so thoroughly were merely a mirror image of myself at the time.

Yes,
it’s true,
I realized that day in silent self-reproach. I was not generous with my
new clothes. In fact, I was not particularly generous at all. I’d
argue with my sister about “my side” of the room. I’d taunt my little
brothers and sisters “just for fun.” I’d even neatly tuck away some
prized treat for the sole purpose of making sure I’d have it later —
when no one else did. If I finished my chores early — oh, you better
believe it! — I’d jump into my cozy bed and enjoy the fact that my
sister couldn’t do the same!

If
I were rich, I would give soooo much money to the poor.

My
heartfelt proclamation returned to me as I settled under my covers for the
night, and for some reason they didn’t seem so heartfelt anymore…

“It’s
not their fault that they’re rich,” someone had said once. “Just like you
can’t blame someone for being poor, you can’t blame someone for being rich.”

And
these words gave me pause. So often I’d reflected pensively on the
injustices inflicted on those who were underprivileged or poor (and, certainly,
the injustices toward them were plenty), but I didn’t think of the injustices I
may have inflicted upon those of privilege and wealth — even if my injustice
would never reach them in any tangible fashion.

But
the truth is, I realized sadly one day, we are all guilty of injustice.
Whether consciously or unconsciously, we judge each other harshly, paint
sweeping generalizations of “the other”, and keep our distance from those we
view as “too different.” Yet, amazingly, we become frustrated and even
perplexed by all the injustice in the world…

Self-Proclaimed Prejudice-Free

“I don’t have a
prejudiced bone in my body,” I often hear my fellow Muslims say—with the same
heartfelt earnestness that I’d proclaimed my generosity so many years ago.

Now,
when I hear these words (that I’m sure I myself have uttered on many an
occasion), my heart falls in sadness, and I grow pensive. Then we have
no hope at all, I reflect.

I
just can’t imagine how the Muslim ummah, let alone the world at large, will
ever work to end classism and racism — and injustice itself — if we don’t
openly and honestly acknowledge the magnitude of the job before us.

Yes,
so many of us eagerly proclaim, “Our job is never done.” But we somehow
imagine this ever-unfinished job is “out there” somewhere — and not inside our
own hearts and souls. Yet, in truth, if there is any fight against
injustice that is never done, it doesn’t have roots in an elusive “corrupt
world.” Corruption does not sprout from the dirt of the earth; it sprouts
from the dirt of our own souls.

And
like so many evils around us (and within us), those of bigotry are continued
most destructively by those who imagine they have within them no bigotry at
all.

Allāh
says what has been translated to mean,

“And when it is said to them, ‘Make not mischief
on the earth,’ they say, ‘We are only peacemakers.’ Verily! They are the ones
who make mischief, but they perceive not.”

—Al-Baqarah (2:12)

How
then can a believer imagine himself free of such evil when Allāh himself has
described some evil as beyond the guilty one’s perception? Is it that
Allāh himself has declared us pure from corruption?

Or
do we ascribe such purity to ourselves?

“So ascribe not purity to yourselves. He
[Allāh] knows best who fears Allāh and keeps his duty to Him.”

—Al-Najm (53:32)

And
the only way we can truly keep our duty to Allāh is by constantly engaging in
self-reflection, never feeling safe from any sin. For surely, our
righteous predecessors were known for their weeping in self-reproach and ever
guarding themselves against evil — and no evil did they proclaim safety from.

Even
Prophet Ibrahim (Abraham) prayed earnestly to Allāh to protect him and his
children from the grave sin of shirk — joining partners with Allāh:

“…And keep me and my sons away from worshipping
idols!”

—Ibrahim (14:35)

Who
then are we in comparison to Allāh’s Khalil — His devoted friend?
Who then are we to imagine freedom from a sin more easily committed than the shirk
about which Ibrahim prayed?

It
is true that I detest classism, racism, colorism, and any other form of
bigotry; for I myself have suffered many a time from these injustices, so I
cannot imagine condoning them within myself. The Prophet, sallallaahu’alayhi
wa sallam, himself advised us to stay away from the evils of racism and
nationalism when he said, “Leave it, it is rotten” (Bukhāri and Muslim).

But
my despising the putridity of these sins does not guarantee my safety from them
— just as my abhorring entering the Hellfire does not grant me salvation from
its torment.

So, yes, I detest the idea of having even a single prejudiced bone in my body, but that does not mean I am free from guilt. None of us are — even those who are frequent victims of prejudice..

Colorful journal and black mug with text: Dear every hater, controller, abuser, and envious eye. You helped create the pain that became my power. So thank you.

Good.
Now they’ll know how it feels.

Even
now I shudder at my friend’s words. Indeed, it is terrifying to witness a
victim of prejudice finding comfort in the very injustice that caused her pain.

But
despite my shock and disappointment at these cruel words, I can’t help
wondering why they truly affected me so…

Today,
I know it is because somehow — amidst the prejudiced bones in my own body — I
can understand what she meant. No, I certainly do not share her
sentiments. But I do share her heart — her human heart.

And
a human heart is never free from injustice.

Yet our greatest calamity is in feeling that ours is.

READ THE BOOK:

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Essay originally published via muslimmatters.org

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Published on February 02, 2019 05:06

January 7, 2019

Do You Have a Toxic Relationship with Your Soul?

Some time ago, a friend of mine shared with me a humorous
post that was posted on the social media account of the famous artist, Cardi B.
I don’t remember the exact words, but it said something to this effect: I
asked God to remove all the toxic people from my life—and I almost died.

Though this post gave me a good laugh, it also made
me reflect on how when we speak of toxic relationships, we almost never focus
on the most crucial relationship in our lives: the one we have with our own
selves. Or more specifically, the relationship we have with our souls.

When I was in the throes of spiritual turmoil and
was fighting desperately to hold on to my emaan (sincere belief in
Islam), I did some painful soul searching. During this difficult period, I dug
deep and asked Allah to reveal to me (and then heal for me) the diseases of the
heart that were making feel like I couldn’t be Muslim anymore. In this period of raw self-honesty, I uncovered
a toxic relationship that I had with myself.

Though much of my emotional and spiritual suffering
was incited by the wrongs others had done to me, I had to come to terms with
the fact that, ultimately, if I was barely holding on to my faith as a result
of all of this, then the most serious problem lay in the wrongs I was doing to
my own soul.

This was a difficult reality to face because the emotional wounding incited by others was so raw, and so real; and I felt so angry with the people who had hurt me. However, I came to realize that others hurting me, and me hurting myself are not mutually exclusive. In other words, both could be happening simultaneously. In my case, both were.

I also realized that my Creator and His last
Prophet and Messenger (peace be upon him) had already taught us that the
wronging of one’s own soul is a reality faced by humans in general, hence the
oft-repeated supplications we are taught to make that include a variation of
this invocation: O Allah! I have wronged my soul, so forgive me.

You
Can’t Blame Others

In the end, I had to come to terms with the fact that I needed to heal from two sources of deep wounding: (1) that which was incited by those around me, and (2) that which was incited by own life and choices. In this, I found myself reflecting on the ayah in the Qur’an which has been translated to mean:

“…And
We have made some of you as a fitnah (trial) for others. Will you have
patience? And your Lord is Ever All-Seer [of everything]” (Al-Furqaan, 25:20).

Reading this ayah really hit my heart because it clarified for me why I, as well as so many others, was suffering due to the wrongs of others. It was just one of the many trials that Allah decreed for all humans on earth. Thus, suffering some form of harm in this world was a given. Even the Prophet (sallallaahu’alayhi wa sallam) himself suffered harm and wrongdoing from others.

Therefore, when we’re facing the inevitable harm
and wrongdoing that was written for each of us during our brief time on earth, the
only question is, How will you handle it? Will you have sabr
(patience), or will you become so angry and frustrated that you end up harming
your own soul in the process?

Here, it’s important to keep in mind that when Allah speaks of sabr, it doesn’t mean sitting still and “patiently” accepting wrongdoing and abuse. In fact, the word sabr indicates the exact opposite. As the scholars of the Sunnah have explained on many an occasion, the Arabic term sabr has two meanings in the spiritual context: (1) consistently withholding oneself from doing anything that harms one’s life or soul, and (2) consistently doing those things that benefit one’s life or soul. Furthermore, this sabr is only actualized when this two-part consistency persists irrespective of what is going on outside of us or within us.

In other words, no matter what harm we are
suffering in the world, or what personal struggles we have going on inside of
us, true sabr (and by extension, true emaan) is manifested
through living a spiritual life that is daily preparing our soul to meet its
Creator in the best state.

What this means is that it is upon each of us to constantly self-reflect and do some honest soul-searching—daily—regarding where we are with respect to this purpose in life.

What
Now?

Ramadan is the time of year that so many of us dedicate to spiritual self-refection and correction. However, if we are not in the habit of working on our spiritual life before the Blessed Month is upon us, then it is very difficult to fully benefit (or even participate) in the month when it arrives.

I myself have experienced this firsthand. For many
years, especially during my spiritual crisis, participating in Ramadan merely
felt like I was just starving myself as I impatiently awaited sunset, when I
could eat whatever I wanted. But that’s not how Ramadan is supposed to be, and
that’s not how our spiritual life is supposed to be.

With Ramadan just a few months away, now is a good time to ask yourself these soul-searching questions: Are you ready? How are you preparing your heart and soul? How are true sabr, emaan and shukr (sincere gratefulness) reflected in your daily life?

For so many of us, Allah often blesses us to live to witness Ramadan. However, when the Blessed Month reaches us, we are unable to take full advantage of the month because our hearts are so weighed down by things that distract us from the Creator—things we do consistently that do not nourish our souls (and, in fact, often harm our souls).

So let’s prepare now. Let’s use these next moments, days, and weeks as an opportunity to self-reflect and clear our minds and hearts, bi’idhnillaah. Also, during these next few months leading up to Ramadan, let’s take whatever “baby steps” we need to better our relationship with our Creator.

Where
Do I Begin?

Two places I suggest starting are with your relationships with Salaah (formal prayer) and with Qur’an.

With regards to Salaah, Allah says what has
been translated to mean,

“Verily,
the prayer (Salaah) keeps one from the great sins and evil deeds…” (Al-Ankaboot, 29:45)

Allah also says,

“But
there came after them a posterity who neglected prayer and pursued desires, so
they are going to face destruction. Except those who repent, believe, and do
righteousness; for those will enter Paradise and will not be wronged at all” (Maryam, 19:59-60).

Prophet Muhammad (sallallaahu’alayhi wa sallam)
said, “The first matter that the slave will be brought to account for on the
Day of Judgment is the Prayer. If it is sound, then the rest of his deeds will
be sound. And if it is corrupt, then the rest of his deeds will be corrupt”
(Al-Tabarani, Sahih al-Jami).

He also said, “The worst type of thief is the
one who steals from his prayer.” The Companions asked, “O Messenger of Allah,
how does one steal from his prayers?” The Prophet (sallallaahu’alayhi wa
sallam) responded, “He does not complete his rukoo’ (bowing), nor
his sujood (prostration)” (Ahmed, al-Tabarani, Ibn al–Khuzaymah, and
al-Hakim).

With regards to the Qur’an, Prophet Muhammad (sallallaahu’alayhi wa sallam) said, “You will not come back to Allah with anything better than that which came from Him (i.e. the Qur’an).” (Mastadrik al-Hakim no. 2077, Sahih).

In another hadith, he said, “Allah [swt] said, ‘I have sent you [O Prophet] in order to put you to test and put those to test through you. And I sent the Book to you, which cannot be washed away by water, so that you may recite it while in the state of wakefulness and sleep” (Hadith Qudsi, Muslim no. 2865, Sahih).

In speaking of the superiority of Al-Baqarah
(the second chapter of Qur’an) in particular, another prophetic hadith advises
us, “Do not turn your houses into graves. Verily, Satan flees from the house
in which is recited Surat Al-Baqarah” (Sahih Muslim 780).

How Do
I Improve My Relationship with Salaah?

With Salaah, I suggest doing something every
day, no matter how small, to give this five-times-a-day appointment with your
Creator more sincerity and commitment. This step should be based on improving
where you are now in a way that does not exhaust you or overwhelm you, with the
goal of ultimate consistency in this improvement.

It could be making sure to pray on time if you tend
to pray late. It could be making sure to concentrate more on the words you are
saying if your mind tends to wander. It could be spending just a few more
seconds in rukoo’ or sujood if you often feel rushed or spiritually
disconnected during prayer. Also, while in sujood, be sure to make a
brief du’aa of your choosing in which you ask Allah’s help in the
spiritual improvements you’re trying to make. Prophet Muhammad (sallallaahu’alayhi
wa sallam) informed us, “The nearest a slave can be to his Lord (Allāh)
is while they are prostrating, so increase in supplication” (Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim, Musnad Aḥmad).

How Do
I Improve My Relationship with Qur’an?

With Qur’an, I suggest making the intention and
commitment to sincerely interact with Qur’an every day, even if only for a few
minutes or even if by reading only a few lines. This is particularly important
for those who are not in the habit of reading the Qur’an on a regular basis. In
making this simple commitment, it is important not to allow Shaytaan or
your nafs to convince you that spending such a small amount of time with
Qur’an is pointless.

Allah says what has been translated to mean,

“…Never
will I allow to be lost the work of any of you, male or female…” (Ali ‘Imraan, 3:195).

Furthermore, the Prophet (sallallaahu’alayhi wa
sallam) said, “Take up good deeds only as much as you are able, for the
best deeds are those done regularly even if they are few” (Ibn Mājah 4240,
graded Sahih by Al-Albaani).

Thus, what is more important than how much Qur’an
you are reading every day is that you are reading Qur’an every day.
Furthermore, while reading Qur’an, take time to think on the meaning of Allah’s
Words, as well as the personal implication and lesson of each ayah in
your life.

I reflect on this in my book, Pain. From the Journal of Umm Zakiyyah: You have not learned to read Qur’an until you regard every warning, admonition, and reminder—and every call to repentance and promise of Paradise—as an exhortation to you, and you specifically.

Front cover of Pain. From the Journal of Umm Zakiyyah

READ NOW. CLICK HERE

How
Do I Make the Qur’an Personally Meaningful?

In a word, you make the Qur’an personally meaningful to you by implementing this one interaction in every reading (whether in your daily reading or in the upcoming month of Ramadan): du’aa.

More specifically, here are some ways to sincerely,
from your heart, interact with each ayah you read:

If you come across an ayah discussing those
with whom Allah is pleased, supplicate to Him and ask to be amongst them. If
you come across an ayah discussing right guidance, ask to be amongst the
rightly guided. If you come across an ayah discussing those who are
disobedient or oppressive, ask for protection from being amongst them (as the
oppressor or the oppressed). If you come across an ayah discussing
Allah’s forgiveness and mercy, ask Allah for forgiveness and mercy for
yourself. If you come across an ayah discussing Paradise, ask to be
admitted amongst the companions of Paradise. If you come across an ayah discussing
Hellfire, ask for Allah’s protection from it.

If you come across an ayah that you do not
understand or that incites confusion, ask Allah to increase you in beneficial
knowledge and understanding.

What
If I Don’t Know Arabic or Tajweed?

If you do not understand Arabic or do not know how
to recite with Tajweed (the rules of reciting Qur’an), then ask Allah to
grant you this knowledge and ability. Also, enroll in an Arabic and Qur’an
class, either online or at a nearby Islamic center. However, do not wait to
interact with Qur’an while you do this.

As you seek to increase your knowledge of Arabic and Qur’an, continue to read the translation of meaning in your native language. Also, take time to listen to Qur’anic recitation while reading along in your native language, even if you’re not fully sure if your reading is keeping up with the reciter.

Cover of Faith. From the Journal of Umm Zakiyyah, woman in hijab reading Qur'an

READ NOW. CLICK HERE

My
Sincere Prayer

May Allah guide us and forgive us and allow us to
make the necessary changes in our spiritual and personal lives such that we
draw closer to Him in this world and in the Hereafter. This, so that we are
prepared to meet our Creator at any time, no matter what month it is.

And should our Lord, Ar-Rahmaan, bless us to live to witness this upcoming Ramadan, may we be amongst those who benefit from the Month of Mercy and are forgiven our sins and written down amongst those whom He loves.

Photo of young woman with Umm Zakiyyah wearing shirts

Umm
Zakiyyah is the internationally acclaimed author of twenty books, including the
If I Should Speak trilogy, Muslim Girl , and His Other Wife . In 2019, she launched UZ Soul Gear , a passion project fueled by her love of both art
and inspirational reflections. UZSoulGear.com offers shirts,
apparel, wall décor, and more, aimed at supporting and inspiring the
soul-centered life.

Want to find or improve your writing voice? Join UZ University to learn how, so you too can share inspirational stories with
the world: UZuniversity.com

Subscribe
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Published on January 07, 2019 07:10

January 4, 2019

Thank God for Pain: Ten Things Suffering Taught Me

Shukr.

Looking within.

Trusting the pain and loss.

As I step into a new year and we approach the
blessed month of Ramadan, bi’idhnillah, these are the things that I’m
striving to focus on and implement in my heart and life. In these past few
years, I’ve worked through so much emotional wounding and spiritual turmoil
that it’s difficult to even recall at times, the memories are so painful. But
Allah brought me through so much, and I learned so much, alhamdulillaah.

Here are Ten (10) Lessons that stay with me from my healing journey:

(1)
Growth hurts, a lot. So there’s nothing to do but embrace the process, instead
of anxiously awaiting the pleasure or relief. If you anxiously await anything without embracing the natural (and
necessary) process, even when the pleasure and relief come, they won’t feel
like pleasure or relief. Instead, they will feel like fear and anxiety, as you
are so fixated on escaping pain that you spend times of pleasure and relief
frantically fearing that the pain will come back. Thus, you can never genuinely
enjoy either the pleasure or relief in your life.

(2) Pain and pleasure are two parts of a whole. You cannot fully experience the latter until you patiently allow the former, without anxious resistance. Allah created things in pairs. Thus, there are things that you cannot have unless you have the other. The pleasure-pain experience is one of those things. We learn this in the sixth pillar of emaan (true faith), as famously narrated in the Hadeeth of Jibreel (Gabriel), when the Angel Jibreel came in the form of a man to the Prophet (sallallaahu’alayhi wa sallam) and asked him about Islam, emaan, and ihsaan (worshipping Allah as if you see Him).

When the Prophet mentioned the last pillar of emaan,
belief in qadr (Allah’s decree), he went on to specify what this belief
entails: accepting the reality of both the khayr (good) and the sharr
(evil) that is destined in our lives (Muslim).

Thus, when we eagerly embrace the pleasure and
happiness in life while becoming confused, frustrated, and angry about the
pain, then we have a deficiency in our emaan that needs to be addressed.

During my own healing journey, this deficiency
became painfully apparent to me. Consequently, I realized that I needed to do a
lot of soul-work to address this spiritual ailment. And the struggle continues.

(3)
Internal battles never cease. They merely change form and intensity, that is
all. But they can get
easier and more peaceful, bi’idhnillaah. So long as you have sincere shukr
(gratefulness) and beautiful sabr (patience).

And this in itself is a daily battle and process.
So finding peace as you work through the inevitable internal chaos is the goal.

(4)
As you let go of toxic relationships and embrace healthier ones in your life,
understand that there will be those who, due to their own growth, need to let
go of you, too.

So often we think of toxicity as moving in one
direction, or rooted in someone being a corrupt or bad person. However, many
times a toxic relationship simply means that our flaws are not compatible with theirs.

Or, it just means that our own unhealed
emotional and spiritual wounds make the company of some (though not all) genuinely
good people unhealthy for us—even as they are (perhaps) better than we are, in
the sight of Allah. In fact, it could be that they incite pain in us for the
very reason that they are more emotionally and spiritually healthy than we are.

Nevertheless, even if this is the case, their honorable
spiritual status in front of the Creator doesn’t necessarily mean that they are
good companions for us in this world. Who someone is to Allah, and who they are
to us, are two completely different things. In fact, the former should rarely
be our concern when determining the latter.

Yes, we should love all believers for the
sake of Allah. However, loving someone for the sake of Allah doesn’t
necessarily require making them our closest friend, trusting them in a business
relationship, or even marrying them (or staying married to them). You can love
people from afar. Thus, it is completely possible that a believer could be
sincere and good, but still be “bad for us” as a close, intimate companion or life
partner.

A part of emotional and spiritual maturity is
realizing—and fully embracing—that just because we deem a person as “bad for
us” doesn’t necessarily mean that they are a bad person. And we shouldn’t seek
to make them out to be. Except in cases of clear evil, oppression, and abuse,
there really is no need to come to any conclusion about someone (good or bad)
when a relationship ends—except to conclude that they fulfilled the purpose
that God decreed for them in our lives. And now it’s time to move on.

In other words, our exes (whether friends, business
partners, or spouses) are just people—flawed human beings just like we are—whom
God simply did not write will be with us on the next part of our journey.

(5)
The need to label former friends, companions, and romantic partners (or even
estranged family members) as bad people simply because they chose to walk away
from us—or because we chose to walk away from them—is often a sign of a serious
problem within us.

In the secular world, this self-centered labeling
of others (based solely on their current relationship with us) would be called
narcissism. In the spiritual world, it would be called a disease of the heart.

This is because there is only One from whom a broken
relationship automatically points to a problem in the person who is no longer
connected to them: God Himself.

And we are not God.

Cover of The Abuse of Forgiveness, a man's dirty hands, handcuffed and holding two flowers

(6)
It is not true that anyone who is no longer your friend was never a true
friend to begin with. This thinking is rooted
in the same narcissism and spiritual ailment that I discussed above.

When I discovered the harmful results of this
culturally-indoctrinated message in my own heart, I asked Allah to remove it
from me. And truthfully, I still strive to have its remnants removed from my
heart today.

During my healing journey, I discovered that my
need to label as “true friends” only those who are dedicated to me—and stand by
me no matter what—meant that I was (even though unintentionally) assigning
subtle divine attributes to myself. May Allah forgive me. As I discussed above,
only God has this high status in every person’s life. Thus, it is only
He who deserves “unconditional” love and dedication, no matter what.

In other words: Someone’s unconditional dedication
to us is not the measure of true friendship. It is only their
Creator that they owe such allegiance.

In fact, when there is a break in a friendship
bond, it is often the case (in fact, I would venture to say, it is most
often the case) that you two are just moving in significantly different
directions in life. And these diverging directions do not always mean that
their path is bad and yours is good (or vice versa). Sometimes the diverging of life paths just
means you are no longer compatible as friends.

Believers meet for the sake of Allah, and they part
for the sake of Allah. Thus, whether we are meeting someone or parting from someone,
particularly a fellow believer, neither circumstance (of building a friendship
or dissolving one) has to point to anything inherently bad (or good) in either
of us.

(7)
It is also not true that if someone truly loves us, they’ll stick by us
no matter what, even in our darkest days. Yes, if you’ve been gifted with
someone like this, it is indeed a tremendous blessing, and you should thank God
for them and strive daily to be grateful for this loving soul companion, as
this is indeed true love.

But here’s the reality of other types of “true
love” (and yes, there are different types):Sometimes people walk away
from us because they love us. In this case, it was just that their
tremendous love for us caused them to constantly put our emotional or spiritual
needs before their own—until they were mentally, emotionally, and spiritually
depleted themselves.

Thus, the truth regarding “true love” is actually the
opposite of what we imagine—and is rooted in our own heart and actions more
than someone else’s: If we truly love someone, then we will support
them when they do what is best for them, even if that means them choosing their
own emotional and spiritual health over a relationship with us.

(8)
Pain and loss are supposed to happen in life. Just like our Lord promises us Paradise in the
Hereafter if we believe in Him in this world, He also promises us pain, loss,
and severe trials while we live in this world.

In the Qur’an, Allah says what has been translated
to mean,

“Do
people think that they will be left alone on saying, ‘We believe’ and that they
will not be tested? We did test those before them, and Allah will certainly
make known those who are true from those who are liars” (Al-‘Ankaboot,
29:2-3).

He also says,

“You
shall certainly be tried and tested in your wealth and properties and within
your personal selves…” (Ali ‘Imraan, 3:186).

Yes, our Lord also promises us that He will respond
to our supplications and grant us blessings from His bounty. However, it makes
no sense to focus on only the promise of abundance, blessings, and Paradise
while becoming frustrated, angry, and confused when He fulfills the other
part of this same promise.

While I was struggling emotionally and spiritually,
this was a difficult lesson for my heart and soul to embrace, even after my
mind had fully accepted that suffering pain and loss is just a natural part of
life, and a fulfillment of my Lord’s divine promise.

(9)
Worldly success does not equal spiritual success. This lesson might seem obvious because we all
“know” it. But what makes this lesson resonate with me so much is that during
my healing journey, I realized that some of my emotional pain and spiritual
turmoil was the result of my heart not understanding why I wasn’t achieving
certain tangible worldly results, despite what I felt were my best efforts in
constant worship, du’aa (prayerful supplication) and obedience to Allah.

Whether it was in my personal relationships or business
ventures, or in some of my disappointing experiences with the wider Muslim
community, I began to realize that I was expecting my (inshaaAllah)
sincere spirituality to give me enjoyable, tangible worldly results. Thus, my
emotional and spiritual pain were only exacerbated.

Uncovering the truth beneath this pain taught me that there is a huge difference between knowledge and acceptance in the mind, and knowledge and acceptance in the heart. Yes, mentally, I knew that worldly success and spiritual success don’t necessarily go hand in hand (and in fact often don’t for true believers). Yet still, my heart was aching in trying to understand why I wasn’t getting the worldly results I so badly wanted and was praying for. When I realized the disconnect, I realized that I had some serious spiritual diseases of the heart to work on, and that was a heavy, difficult realization for me.

As I applied this weighty realization to
understanding my unhealed wounds, this honest self-reflection inspired this entry
in my personal journal: What the head knows and what the heart experiences
are two different things: Correct knowledge is not difficult to attain, but a
spiritually healthy heart? That’s a lifelong process.

(10) Last, and certainly not least: If you genuinely
want to be spiritually healthy, then you need to nourish your heart and soul
with at least the minimum amount of attention that you care for your
physical body and environment.

Thus, praying the five obligatory prayers on time
every day, and reading and reflecting on Qur’an every day are just as
essential to your spiritual health as having water and food, as well as a clean
body and home environment, are to your physical health. Moreover, just as is
the case in our physical world, it doesn’t matter how you feel about having
to, each day, eat food, drink water, and clean yourself and your environment; if
you want to be alive and at least minimally well, then it must be done.

Similarly, if you want your spiritual heart to be
alive and at least minimally well, then the necessary daily spiritual work must
be done, irrespective of how you feel about doing it.

In other words, you do what needs to be done
because it needs to be done, not because you’re always motivated (or happy) to
do it. The reality is that you need to be physically clean and nourished, and
you need to be spiritually clean and nourished. So there’s nothing to do,
except the work this cleanliness and nourishment requires.

Nevertheless, there will inevitably be times that you have trouble keeping up with this daily cleanliness and nourishment. Thus, when (not if) this happens, we should ask for help. Yes, there are people who can help us through spiritual difficulties—sometimes. But it is only Allah who will (and can) always there.

So as we strive to keep up with our daily spiritual
purification and nourishment, let us remember that we don’t have to do it
alone. This is what I reminded myself during my lowest points.

Yes, the reality is, we will feel empty and
distant from Allah at times. But that doesn’t mean we should just give up and assume
we are bad people. It only means that Allah, in His infinite mercy and wisdom,
wants us to enter His Paradise, bi’idhnillaah, so He is showing us the
signs that we need to get there. And those signs are that it is time to move
closer to Him and beg His help.

As the saying goes, “If you feel distant from Allah, it is only you who moved.” Thus, it is you who needs to return to Him; and He will then shower you with His Mercy and Blessings for even the slightest movement in His direction.

So let’s get moving, I told myself during those days when I felt like giving up. Allah is always ready to accept you, no matter how difficult it is to accept yourself.

And I still tell myself this today.

These are just ten
of many lessons that working through my emotional and spiritual suffering
taught me. And truthfully, I don’t think I would have learned these essential
life lessons without the pain.

That is why I, till today, I strive to thank Allah for the pain.

Umm Zakiyyah and teen girl wearing pink hijabs and black shirts that say:

Umm Zakiyyah is the internationally acclaimed author of twenty
books, including the If I Should Speak trilogy, Muslim Girl , and His Other Wife . In 2019, she launched UZ Soul Gear , a passion project fueled by her love of both art
and inspirational reflections. UZSoulGear.com offers shirts,
apparel, wall décor, and more, aimed at supporting and inspiring the
soul-centered life.

Want to find or improve your writing
voice? Join
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University
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Published on January 04, 2019 04:53

December 17, 2018

Are New Muslims ‘Rock Stars’ in Masjids?

The following is an excerpt from the book No One Taught Me the Human Side of Islam , the story of “The Muslim Hippie” living with bipolar disorder, who shared her story with Umm Zakiyyah:

The day I sat on that panel in 1996 and shared how I converted to Islam was the beginning of the end for me. But I didn’t know it at the time. Today, if anyone were to ask me about the trend of masjids and Islamic organizations putting new Muslims on public panels to share their shahaadah stories, I would advise against it. In my view, it causes more harm than good.

While the Islamic community benefits greatly from having converts share personal stories of how they came to Islam, there is very little benefit to the speakers themselves when they are new Muslims. There is no substance to these events, and there is no support. In fact, there really is nothing about them that addresses the individual needs of a person who has just made a tremendous life change and needs meaningful Muslim companionship and very specific spiritual guidance.

Though it is undoubtedly unintentional on the Islamic community’s part, the role of the new Muslim at these “share your shahaadah story” events is more akin to that of a promotional model for a company or brand than anything inherently spiritual or beneficial to the new Muslim herself. The Islamic community wants to “market” Islam to a wider non-Muslim audience, so the new convert effectively becomes the celebrity face of the “Muslim brand.”

I’m not suggesting that this marketing of Islam is a bad thing or that having a convert fulfill this role is wrong. This positive portrayal of Islam certainly has its place, especially given the anti-Islam climate of today. I’m only saying that this role is better fulfilled by someone who has been Muslim for many years than by someone who is just learning about their Lord and purpose in life. When a person is new to Islam and is asked to fulfill the very public role of being a Muslim representative at Islamic events, there are at least three major risks that cannot be overstated: He or she ceases to exist for any other purpose; he or she develops a false sense of self as a Muslim; and he or she is cultivating spiritually destructive diseases like riyaa (showing off) and kibr (pride)—without having either the knowledge of their existence or harms, or the means to combat them. Herein lies the formula for disaster. This is what I personally experienced, and I continue to suffer from the experience today.

Hijabi Life bag and two T-shirts with the text: Real Beauty? Got that covered.

Muslims who have had the opportunity to study Islam for many years would be well aware of the warnings in the Qur’an and prophetic narrations against assigning piety to oneself, desiring excessive praise, and exposing oneself to the harms of being publicly admired and idolized. But I was not. More seriously, I hadn’t even learned about my spiritual heart in any significant way. Therefore, I had no idea there should be any cause for concern or that there existed any du’aa,or Qur’an that I should be reciting to protect myself.

After all, it was knowledgeable, experienced Muslims asking me to sit on these panels, so I had absolutely no way of knowing that even the slightest caution should be observed in participating. Moreover, I had no idea that my participation in these public events, as well as accepting the various public roles thereafter, meant that the Muslims wouldn’t believe I was a struggling human being like everyone else.

As a young American who had grown up admiring my grandfather’s fiery sermons in church and positive role models like Oprah Winfrey on television, I viewed positive attention, public admiration, and the “rock star culture” as something praiseworthy, particularly when you were doing good things in the spotlight. Just as I had no idea about the warnings against riyaa and kibr or what excessive praise does to a person’s heart, I had no idea what this very public role could do to the minds and hearts of the Muslims in the community. I had no idea all the things they would assume about me and what they would expect of me thereafter.

At the time, I was simply basking in all the attention. I was like a celebrity doing a multicity tour, and I loved it. Over the years, I was invited to speak on so many panels to share my shahaadah story or to talk about Islam that I lost count. Unfortunately, my role as an effective “Muslim rock star” built up my reputation as the “saintly Sakinah” who would ultimately fall from grace once my mental illness surfaced in ways I couldn’t hide or control.

My first public speaking engagement on a Muslim panel was only a few months after I’d accepted Islam. During that time, I should have been fostering genuine Muslim companionship with women in the community. I should have been learning details about the spiritual purification of the heart and soul. I should have been learning the fundamentals of Tawheed(Oneness of Allah). I should have been studying the Qur’an, not only how to read it but also how to understand it and live it. These basic lessons would have helped me get to know myself and my Lord during this delicate time. But these crucial opportunities were disrupted because I was too busy fulfilling the community role as “the model Muslim.”

I don’t mean to say that I knew nothing about the foundations of my faith or that I wasn’t studying Islam when I wasn’t on these panels. I’m a studious person by nature, so I attended classes whenever and wherever I could. I even taught myself Qur’an by listening to tapes and CDs. I had already taught myself how to pray. So when I speak of the disruption in my spiritual learning process while I was a new Muslim, I am speaking of a disruption that was less quantitative than qualitative. And when such a serious disruption happens at the beginning of the spiritual learning process, it is extremely hard to recover from. I’m still struggling to recover from it today.

READ MORE: No One Taught Me the Human Side of Islam

Cover of No One Taught Me the Human Side of Islam. Woman walking near water puddle and carrying pink umbrella

Umm Zakiyyah is the internationally acclaimed author of twenty books, including the If I Should Speak trilogy, Muslim Girl , and His Other Wife . Join UZ University to learn how you too can find your writing voice and share inspirational stories with the world: UZuniversity.com

Subscribe to Umm Zakiyyah’s YouTube channel , follow her on Instagram or Twitter , and join her Facebook page.

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Published on December 17, 2018 15:40

July 17, 2018

Ignorant People Annoy Me Too…But

“I guarantee a house on the outskirts of Paradise for one who abandons arguments even if he is right, and a house in the middle of Paradise for one who abandons lies even when joking, and a house in the highest part of Paradise for one who makes his character excellent.”

—Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him (Sunan Abu Dawud 4800, Sahih according to An-Nawawi)

Years ago when I was living as an American expat in Saudi Arabia, I was sitting amongst a small group of expat women who were sharing their experiences of living as Westerners in the Middle East. Some of the stories were heartbreaking, others were humorous. After listening for some time, I decided to share a story of my own.

I shared how when my friend’s husband (whom I’ll call Aaron) had visited the Middle East for the first time before finally moving to Saudi Arabia, he knew very little Arabic. But he had memorized enough small phrases to get around. One day Aaron was out alone and when he got hungry, he entered the first restaurant he saw. Staring at the Arabic menu, he couldn’t make out anything that it said, so he decided to try to mimic what others were saying in their orders. This didn’t go too well, but Aaron kept trying.

As he was struggling, he heard someone raising their voice from one of the tables. Aaron turned and saw an Arab man beckoning him toward his table. Uncertain, Aaron walked over to him, hoping the man would help him choose the right words to order some food. But as the Arab man spoke and gestured, Aaron realized that the man was offering to share his own food with him. Initially, Aaron refused, using gestures and broken Arabic. But when for the third time, the man insisted profusely that Aaron share the meal, Aaron felt relief that he wouldn’t have to figure out the menu after all. So he took a seat across from the man and settled down and began eating the food being offered to him.

However, as Aaron enjoyed the meal, he sensed a change in the Arab man’s mood. Aaron looked at the Arab man and saw that he was frowning and not eating any of the food himself. This confused Aaron and caused him to pause his own eating. But when Aaron stopped eating, the man seemed to become more upset and spoke sternly in Arabic and with rough gestures that made it clear that Aaron should continue eating.

When Aaron finished his portion, the man still appeared to be angry. Then the Arab man pushed his own portion toward Aaron and through his gestures offered Aaron his own portion. But by then Aaron was no longer hungry, so he refused. But the man insisted again, still with an air of anger in his mannerisms. Feeling awkward and confused, Aaron refused and thanked the man in his broken Arabic then excused himself and went home.

At home, Aaron conveyed to his wife (who was Arab) what had happened and she said to him, “Oh no! You ate the man’s food? That’s why he was angry. It’s our culture to offer three times, and it’s generally expected that you refuse. No one expects you to actually eat the food.”

As I finished sharing this story to the group of women present, a couple of the women chuckled along with me. But there was one woman who appeared annoyed. “That’s his own fault,” she said bitterly. “He has no business coming to another country without taking time to know the culture.”

No Excuse for Ignorance?

Till today, the bitterness of the woman’s words stick with me. Often when I think of them, I’m reminded of my own struggles in the Middle East and how I’d researched so much about the culture before I traveled (first to Egypt and then to Saudi Arabia), even speaking to people who had lived there, but I was still at a loss. There’s simply too much to learn, and very little of it can be conveyed through research and the sharing of experiences. When it comes to immersing yourself in a new culture, like so many things in life, experience is its own teacher.

One incident in particular that sticks out to me regarding my own ignorance and lack of experience with Arab culture is when shortly after I arrived in Saudi Arabia, my husband and I were invited to the home of a prominent Saudi family known for their wealth and knowledge of Islam. During the visit, as was customary, I was in the women’s section of the home with the women, and my husband was in the men’s section with the men.

On our way home, we reflected on how much we’d enjoyed the visit. Then my husband asked me, “Did you exchange numbers with his wife?” I told him I didn’t even think to. He said it’s no problem, and he proceeded to text the man and thank him for the visit and conveyed that I would like to keep in touch with his wife. My husband shared in the text to the sheikh my mobile number to pass on to the sheikh’s wife, and asked that the sheikh’s wife contact me with her own number so that the two of us could keep in touch.

My husband never received a reply, and we were never invited back to the family’s home. We later learned that in Saudi culture it was considered very disrespectful to even mention a man’s wife, let alone anything about her mobile number. We also learned that it was considered ‘ayb (very inappropriate and disgraceful) to share your own wife’s number with another man, even if it was to facilitate the two women keeping in touch. It didn’t matter that there was no way to facilitate the two wives keeping in touch except by breaking at least one of these culture codes. What we had done was disgraceful, so our reputation was sullied; we were labeled as “immoral” and we weren’t even given the opportunity to explain ourselves.

Choosing Between Humiliation and Humanity

Yesterday I found myself chuckling at a humorous video posted online in which the person shared a disturbing encounter they’d had with a person who was ignorant of Muslims and Black people. Without thinking much about it, I shared the video with a couple of friends, and we got a good laugh out of it. However, as my laughter settled, I was suddenly reminded of the emotional pain I’d felt while living in the Middle East surrounded by a strange culture and wanting so badly to connect with the Arabs around me. However, it was rare that I was seen as a full human being, or tolerated after any mistakes or social faux pas. At times, I felt like nearly everyone around me was more committed to harsh judgment and character assassination than to empathy or patient teaching.

After living in the Middle East for some time, it wasn’t long before I felt like it was ‘ayb to be Black or American at all in their culture. I recalled how in many circles it was a sign of piety and dignity to look down on Westerners and other non-Arabs. I also recalled how it was customary to speak condescendingly to and about these non-Arabs regarding their ignorance and (alleged) lack of morals. And I recalled, painfully, how this was often done with a tone of haughty disgust. It reached the point where I began to have so much anxiety around Arabs until I could no longer be around them or even look at them for the pain this incited in me.

Suddenly, as I thought of the video I’d just watched and gotten a good laugh out of, I felt sick to my stomach. I thought of the person who was being mocked in the humorous video I’d just shared, and I remembered myself as a confused, sincere foreigner in the Middle East surrounded by people who didn’t have time for ignorance like mine.

I cringed for the pain that the person must be going through after speaking to a person they thought was trustworthy only to find themselves the subject of a video and public mockery. Though the person wasn’t mentioned by name, it hurt my heart to think of how I’d feel if someone had responded to me like this during my days as an “ignorant American” amongst Arabs.

Battling Anti-Muslim Bigotry and Racism

Don’t get me wrong. I see nothing wrong with venting and finding humor in normal human interaction from time to time. But what concerns me is how this seems to be the norm today more than sincere empathy and actual teaching. In this environment of mockery and public shaming, very little progress is made. It’s one thing to respond harshly to obvious ill intent—or even to sincere ignorance that could cost someone their job, safety, or life. But it’s another thing entirely to view normal human interactions as consistent opportunities for public shaming and humiliation.

When this is done to highlight anti-Muslim bigotry and racism, I’m left wondering what our end goal is. Is it to eradicate these spiritual and social diseases? If so, is there a middle ground? Can we find humor and humanity in our inevitable misunderstandings? If not, then what’s the point of the public sharing at all?

Alhamdulillaah, there do exist organizations and projects aimed at educating those who sincerely want to learn. But unfortunately, this is not the norm. It’s the exception.

I myself have been attacked by self-proclaimed activists for Muslims and Black people when they felt I didn’t know “basic information” or if I didn’t do enough for “the cause.” And none of these attacks felt good, nor did they inspire me to learn or do more. I was just left feeling like a worthless human being who could never get it right.

Though I continue to do my own community work in the best way I know how, I have lots of anxiety around those who carry themselves like only worthless idiots don’t know such-and-such about “their history”, or don’t do such-and-such for “the cause.”

I can’t imagine how someone without even my limited level of knowledge and experience must feel.

Ignorance Can Be Annoying, I Know

But I get it. Ignorance can be really annoying. I myself sometimes feel frustrated with the words and actions of ignorant people. But even in this, I have to stop myself from harming my own heart and soul in front of God. Though I certainly allow myself to at times express anger and frustration—and to even indulge in humor as a coping mechanism—I’m trying to do better at checking my own heart and intentions in how I react to my emotional pain.

I’m learning that every moment of angry venting isn’t for public conception, and that public mockery of someone’s sincere ignorance is very rarely okay. In striving upon this spiritual betterment, I have the motto: Share, don’t shame. Educate, don’t humiliate.

I also remind myself of this:

When someone is genuinely ignorant, that’s God’s doing, not theirs. When someone is arrogant and oppressive—with or without ignorance—that’s their own doing, not God’s.

So please don’t shame and humiliate your sincere brothers and sisters in humanity just because God has decreed that they still have some life learning to do. Whether they’re sincerely ignorant of Islam or of racial issues, take a step back and consider the fact that it is God who decreed this circumstance for them—and that it is God who placed them in your path.

No, it’s not your job as a Muslim or a Black person to educate every ignorant person who crosses your path. But it’s also not your job to shame and humiliate them either. So when you do choose to give their ignorance time and attention, consider carefully why you prefer shaming over sharing, and humiliating over educating—especially if this is your consistent response.

Statements like, “Educate yourself! It’s 2018! You have no excuse!” help almost no one. But they do humiliate the sincere who really just don’t know.

If a person doesn’t know what they don’t know, they can’t educate themselves. They need help—just like you do when you don’t know something. And even if they are aware of their ignorance, how exactly do they go about educating themselves without our help?

If they go at this alone (as we demand) and inadvertently learn from untrustworthy sources then begin to share what they think they’ve learned, then we’ll likely shame and humiliate them for that too. “Keep your ignorance to yourself!” we’ll say.

So what is our goal, really?

Check your heart.

And be careful how you treat God’s servants during your brief time on earth.

We’ll all be called to account for every word and deed we put out into this world. Choose carefully—especially when it’s sincere ignorance we’re addressing, and not arrogance and oppression.

Cover of His Other Wife man with back turned reflecting

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