Umm Zakiyyah's Blog, page 5

We’re Not Muslim Just Because We Say We Are

“I’m really worried about my brother,” the Arab woman said. “He’s Muslim, but he doesn’t believe in God anymore.”

Listening to her, I really didn’t know what to say. Before this moment, I’d had occasional encounters with people who labeled themselves “Muslim” but did not pray or fast or fulfill any other foundational requirements of being Muslim. However, it was rare that I met someone who had given up all belief in God and still identified as Muslim—or someone who viewed an atheist as Muslim.

However, I reminded myself that in many Muslim majority countries, being Muslim was more an ethnicity than a spiritual lifestyle. Thus, if your parents are Muslim, then you’re automatically viewed as Muslim—even if you have no meaningful connection to Islam in your heart or lifestyle.

This was a strange concept to me—at least until I realized my own culture’s version of this same type of thinking. In this, if I were completely honest, a similar mentality existed amongst American Muslims with regards to the Muslim identity.

In American Muslim culture, there were two prevalent ideologies regarding whom we counted as Muslim: Firstly, anyone who claimed to be Muslim was automatically Muslim, even if they maintained beliefs that contradicted Islam. This ideology was accepted mainly under our “Don’t judge” approach to dealing with others. It was also accepted due to our sincere desire to stay away from takfir (claiming that a professed Muslim is a disbeliever).

Secondly, anyone who we (as American Muslims) felt was a good person could be labeled as a “Muslim in their heart” or a “true believer,” especially if they identified as Jewish or Christian. We justified this based on the Qur’anic verses about the earliest Jews and Christians [who were actually Muslims who believed in Allah and the Last Day—a belief that necessitates avoiding shirk (assigning divinity to other than Allah) while affirming belief in all prophets without exception].

The harmful side effect of all of this was that in much of my own American Muslim culture, the terms Islam and Muslim had lost any real spiritual or practical meaning. Thus, being Muslim was gradually becoming disconnected from protecting our souls from harm in preparation for the Day of Judgment. Everything was becoming about how we should treat others instead of how we should treat our own souls.

So while in many circles in the “Muslim world,” Islam had become a meaningless ethnicity completely disconnected from spiritual responsibility in front of Allah, in many circles in American culture, Islam had become a meaningless identity completely disconnected from spiritual responsibility in front of Allah.

And one of the areas that this was becoming painfully obvious was in our culture’s growing acceptance of open sin. This deviation from Islamic spirituality was becoming culturally acceptable under the “Don’t judge!” banner that we’d previously used to stretch the definition of being Muslim itself. After we as American Muslims accepted open sin as a definition of showing compassion and suspending judgment, we then moved on to requiring the celebration of open sin as a testimony of “spiritual goodness” itself.

As a result, we went even farther than those from Muslim-majority countries who accepted the concept of a “Muslim atheist.” At least their culture still viewed someone as a “good Muslim” if they lived a moral life and strived to stay away from sin. But in American Muslim culture, living a moral life and staying away from sin was becoming a sign of not only being a “bad Muslim,” but a sign of not being a true Muslim at all.

And perhaps nothing makes this cultural shift more obvious than the article that the comedian Hasan Minhaj co-authored, saying that it is not sufficient for American Muslims to merely tolerate gay marriage; they must openly celebrate and support it also—if they are truly Muslims who believe in a Merciful God.

Sacrifice Your Soul To Celebrate Sin, We’re Told

A few years ago, the famous comedian Hasan Minhaj along with Reza Aslan, published what they called “An Open Letter To American Muslims On Same-Sex Marriage” (via religiondispatches.org). In this letter, they told American Muslims that it’s not sufficient to merely “tolerate” gay marriage, but we have to openly celebrate it also. Here is an excerpt from this letter:

To Our Fellow American Muslims,

Hey there. It’s two of your brothers. We’re writing to you about the Supreme Court’s decision to legalize gay marriage in all fifty states…

[M]any of you are scandalized by the ruling…, and many more of you are equally perturbed but have chosen to keep it to yourself. With all the rainbow-flag waving and self-congratulatory pats on the back this country is giving itself right now, you don’t need another reason for Americans to dislike you.

…So you’re staying quiet. You may not like the Supreme Court’s decision but you’re willing to tolerate it.

We understand where you’re coming from…. But now that same-sex marriage is legal in America, it’s shaking up your faith. You’re afraid of the future and what this could mean for your kids. You recognize the growing acceptance of gay rights, but personally you just can’t bring yourself to embrace the shift…

But here’s the thing. When you are an underrepresented minority—whether Muslim, African American, female, etc.—democracy is an all or nothing business. You fight for everyone’s rights (and the operative word here is “fight”), or you get none for yourself. Democracy isn’t a buffet. You can’t pick and choose which civil liberties apply to which people. Either we are all equal, or the whole thing is just a sham…

That’s why it’s not enough to simply “tolerate” the Supreme Court decision… We have to embrace. We have to fight for the right of others to live their lives as freely as we want to live ours.

Bottom line is this: standing up for marginalized communities, even when you disagree with them, is not just the right thing to do, it’s the Muslim thing to do. Remember that whole God is merciful and compassionate thing? That extends to all people, not just those who are straight.

Celebrate. Don’t tolerate. Love really does win.

Yours Truly,

Reza Aslan and Hasan Minhaj

(Read full letter here: religiondispatches.org/an-open-letter...).

Muslims Should Have No Religious Freedom?

In other words, beneath all the emotional manipulation, spiritual blackmail, and political dishonesty of this “open letter,” Hasan Minhaj and Reza Aslan are saying this: If you’re Muslim in America, religious freedom is not your right, and neither is peaceful protest or peaceful resistance to something that you know is wrong or just personally disagree with (which happens to be a constitutional right).

Moreover, they are saying that it is only White Christian men (i.e. the political “majority”) who have the right to have their own personal spiritual beliefs that differ from anyone else. Therefore, if you’ve suffered discrimination in any form as a minority, your right to being a full human being with your own independent thoughts and beliefs is no longer allowed for you—especially if you’re Muslim. (Notice that this letter wasn’t addressed to secularists, atheists, Jews and Christians, or even gays and lesbians, seeking to manipulate them into fully celebrating Muslims practicing their faith in America—even when they disagreed with Islamic beliefs).

On a socio-political level, this letter is an open call for the dismantling of everything the United States claims to stand for with regards to personal and religious freedom (particularly as it relates to Muslims), and to put in its place a tyrannical government that criminalizes all independent thought and beliefs except for those of White Christian men.

But more seriously, on a spiritual level, this letter completely replaces the conditions of accepting Islam with the conditions of accepting democracy according to these men’s own concocted, fabricated standards (which are rooted in a religious inferiority complex and self-hate that is too deep to discuss in a single blog), hence their saying: “…democracy is an all or nothing business… Democracy isn’t a buffet. You can’t pick and choose which civil liberties apply to which people…” [Except when it comes to Muslims, of course. Because Muslims don’t matter, and Muslims don’t have civil liberties according to these two men. But I digress…]

Islam Is a Buffet Menu?

Reading the part of the letter that discussed the (fabricated) condition of democracy being an “all or nothing business” reminded me of a journal entry I wrote some time ago, along with the reflections that follow: Religion is not a restaurant menu, where you pick what you like and leave the rest, and where even what you pick can be altered to your tastes.

Have you ever wondered why most people will die as disbelievers—even as their hearts, at some point in their lives, recognized the truth of Islam?

Look inside yourself.

You’ll find the answer there.

Look at how the desires of your heart alter your own beliefs about Allah and His deen.

Look at how desperately you cling to the temporary comforts and tests Allah has given you in this world. Look at how you love your wealth, spouses, or children so much that you are willing to ignore the clear guidance of Allah—especially when an imam or sheikh tells you something you want to hear that contradicts this guidance.

But no worries, right? Because we view Allah and His deen like a restaurant menu. We can take what we like, leave what we don’t, and even what we do choose can be altered to our tastes.

So there’s no need to wonder why so many of humankind die upon disbelief after knowing the truth of Islam.

By Allah, many of us who profess Islam are already on the path to joining them.

No, many of us haven’t reached that point yet because we’re walking that fine line between “It’s just my opinion” and changing the rules of Allah. But be careful, dear soul, because the path of the believer is not walked on thin, shaky lines. It’s walked on solid ground—a spiritual grounding that stays far away from trespassing the boundaries of Allah.

Allah says what has been translated to mean, “The only statement of the [true] believers when they are called to Allah and His Messenger to judge between them is that they say, ‘We hear and we obey.’ And those are the successful” (An-Noor, 24:51).

So it is Islam that in fact is not a buffet menu. As for democracy and any other Western “liberty,” these things are by definition a “buffet menu,” where I as an American in fact do have the God-given right to choose my own personal beliefs and lifestyle and disagree with whomever and whatever I want—and even actively and peacefully oppose them—no matter who dislikes it. This is the very essence of having political, personal, and religious freedoms in this country.

But even if the United States were to morph into the anti-Islam tyranny that Hasan Minhaj and Reza Islam are calling for, a true believer would be more willing to give up their citizenship in this “democratic tyranny” than to give up their emaan (Islamic faith) in front of Allah.

Not Every Muslim Accepts Islam

Here’s something we need to realize as Muslims living in these “modern times”: Not everyone who calls himself or herself Muslim accepts Islam. In fact, not every professed Muslim even believes in Islam.

Read that again and reflect on it deeply.

It took me a long time to understand this reality, especially in our “modern times.”

Naturally, there are levels to this non-acceptance of Islam. On one level, a professed Muslim retains his or her emaan (Islamic faith) but does not accept part of divine guidance due to ignorance or sinfulness. On another (more serious) level, a professed Muslim falls into kufr (disbelief) while still calling himself or herself Muslim, even while genuinely imagining they have emaan (true faith) in their hearts.

The latter group will enter the grave and beg to come back to this earth because they’ll realize that they are in fact disbelievers (and thus Paradise is forever forbidden to them). May Allah protect us from this.

I mention this not so that we can reflect on the misguidance of others, but so we can reflect on the potential misguidance of ourselves.

So let’s remember: We’re not Muslim just because we claim to be. There are conditions required by our Creator that must be fulfilled to be counted as Muslim in this world and in the Hereafter. Moreover, even after we fulfill these minimum requirements, there are beliefs, speech, and actions that must be maintained daily to remain Muslim until our death.

In this, just as there are beliefs, speech, and actions that cause us to enter into Islam; there are beliefs, speech, and actions that cause us to leave the fold of Islam (may Allah protect us). Too often we forget this. Or perhaps we’ve never taken the time to actually learn our deen (the way of life mandated by our Creator).

This is no small matter.

What’s Required To Be Muslim in Front of Allah?

One minimum requirement of being Muslim is believing in the entire Qur’an, from Al-Faatihah to An-Naas—not just in the recitation of these Divine Words, but in the meaning and guidance of them also, specifically the understanding of them clarified in prophetic teachings. Rejecting even a single ayah (or letter) of the Qur’an is kufr (disbelief). No Muslim would accept, for example, someone saying, “I believe in all of the Qur’an except such-and-such ayah.” We would recognize right away that this contradicts emaan.

Why then do we not recognize the same serious transgression when someone rejects the established teachings of the Qur’an and then puts their own teachings in its place?

Often this involves some form of reinterpreting the Qur’an until the halaal (permissible) becomes haraam (forbidden) or the haraam becomes halaal. Yet Allah says what has been translated to mean, “They have taken their rabbis and monks as lords besides Allah” (At-Tawbah, 9:31). When ‘Adee ibn Haatim, a Companion who’d converted to Islam from Christianity, heard this ayah, he said, “We didn’t worship them.” The Prophet, sallallaahu’alayhi wa sallam, responded, “Did they not make haraam (forbidden) what Allah had made halaal (permissible) and you made it haraam [too]? And did they not make halaal what Allah had made haraam, and you made it halaal [too]?” ‘Adee replied, “Certainly.” The Prophet, sallallaahu’alayhi wa sallam, said, “That was how you worshipped them” (Al-Tirmidhi).

So dear soul, be careful.

In this age where there’s a new interpretation of everything from who can marry whom to what sexual “orientations” are permissible lifestyles, we could be walking headlong into kufr while thinking we’re Muslim—by embracing an entirely new belief system under the guise of Islam.

Don’t We Have a Right To Our Opinions?

In my blog, “Does Your Pride Make You Honorable?” I discuss the following with regards to this “modern thinking” that allows us to accept the parts of Islam we like and discard the other parts, while introducing our own behavior codes and claiming, “I have a right to my opinion”:

In the Qur’an, Allah instructs us, “O you who believe! Enter into Islam kaaffah (completely and perfectly), and follow not the footsteps of Shaytaan (Satan). Verily, he is to you a plain enemy” (Al-Baqarah, 2:208).

The Arabic word kaffaah indicates an all-inclusive and all-encompassing submission. Thus, if we have entered into this merciful faith kaaffah, then we accept and obey all the rules, guidelines, and permissions of the religion, not just the parts we prefer in our own lives. Thus, anything short of a complete and all-inclusive submission to divine guidance—kaaffaah—is following the pathway of Shaytaan, instead of Islam.

Unfortunately, in our modern practice of Islam, many of us embrace the parts of Islam that bring us comfort, stoke our egos, and make us feel good about what we want and prefer in our own lives. However, we reject or trivialize anything in Islam that makes us feel uncomfortable, that offends our pride and egos, that threatens our social standing amongst disbelievers, or that causes us emotional pain.

For many of us, it is not enough that our Merciful Creator has given us the right to a personal preference of our own in our private lives; we become angry and frustrated that He has also given this same merciful permission to others. Thus, we seek to transgress His divine boundaries by attaching honor and nobility to only our halaal desires and choices, while attaching shame and wrongdoing to other believers’ halaal desires and choices. Sometimes this goes as far as outright forbidding what Allah has permitted and permitting what Allah has forbidden. Allah says:

“…So do you believe in part of the Book and disbelieve in [the other] part? Then what is the recompense for those who do that among you except disgrace in worldly life; and on the Day of Resurrection they will be sent back to the severest of punishment. And Allah is not unaware of what you do” (Al-Baqarah, 2:85).

Thus, there is no partial belief that is acceptable to Allah in this world or in the Hereafter, whether you label it your opinion or something else.

Claiming Emaan Doesn’t Equal Having Emaan

Today there is such a spiritual disconnect between claiming emaan and living emaan that we generally have no problem offering opinions on things that both the Qur’an and Sunnah already speak on quite clearly. And some of us are willing to introduce our own behavior codes, especially regarding sexuality and gender or who can marry whom, and then punish or slander others if they deviate from our way of life or opinions—as was made chillingly obvious in the “Open Letter to American Muslims” by Hasan Minhaj and Reza Aslan.

Meanwhile this attitude and behavior is one of the main gateways to not only major sin, but also to kufr itself.

As for all these “opinions” that our nafs, Shaytaan, and this “modern generation” have made us comfortable with, let’s keep in mind our Creator’s view on the matter:

“It is not for a believer, man or woman, when Allah and His Messenger have decreed a matter that they should have any option in their decision. And whoever disobeys Allah and His Messenger, he has indeed strayed in a plain error”(Al-Ahzaab, 33:36).

We can fool ourselves, but we cannot fool Allah.

Takfir and Kufr Are Two Different Things

In guarding ourselves against kufr (disbelief), it’s important to know the difference between falling into takfir and falling into kufr. Takfir is calling a Muslim a disbeliever, while kufr is when a Muslim actually believes, says, or does something that contradicts emaan and thus takes them outside the fold of Islam.

Regarding takfir, Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “If a man says to his brother, ‘O kaafir (disbeliever)!’ Then surely one of them is such (i.e., a kaafir)” (Sahih al-Bukhari 6103). Often this hadith, which is actually warning against takfir, is quoted to oppose or discount any Islamic teachings that draw our attention to the reality of Muslims falling into kufr. Not only is this spiritually incorrect, it is also spiritually dangerous.

In mixing the concepts of takfir and kufr, we are creating a generation wherein we are completely comfortable claiming to be Muslim, while having little to no concern with actually remaining Muslim in front of Allah.

“But no one has the right to call me a disbeliever!” we say in defense of this thinking. However, the topic of kufr isn’t about anyone calling you a disbeliever. This is about the very real, terrifying possibility of being one—even if no one knows this spiritually destructive truth, except Allah.

So let’s not get so comfortable in our claim of emaan that we begin to think that even Allah Himself has no right to say we’re not Muslim. Allah sees into our hearts better than we do. Thus, while we might imagine ourselves to be “sincere” and thus preserving our emaan while sharing our “opinions” that differ from the Qur’an and prophetic teachings, what is written in our Book of Deeds could be quite different.

So be careful, dear soul. Be careful.

Once your soul is taken, there will be no second chances or do-overs that allow us to try again at actually living the emaan we claim on our tongues.

Your time is now, and now only.

Spend it wisely.

O Allah! We beg You to protect us from self-deception, from the evil within ourselves, and from the plots of Shaytaan and his helpers! We beg You to protect us from misguidance, disbelief, and falsehood clothed as religious truth—even it comes from the tongue of someone who we love, respect, and trust! And O Allah! We beg You to write us down amongst the successful, who submit to You, saying “We hear and we obey!” even when our hearts desire the disobedience and kufr that others are calling us to!

Yaa Rabb, Ameen!

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Umm Zakiyyah is the internationally acclaimed author of twenty books, including the If I Should Speak trilogy, Muslim Girl , and His Other Wife . In 2019, she launched UZ Soul Gear , a passion project fueled by her love of both art and inspirational reflections. UZSoulGear.com offers apparel, wall décor, and more, aimed at supporting and inspiring the soul-centered lifestyle.

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The post We’re Not Muslim Just Because We Say We Are appeared first on Umm Zakiyyah.

Is Your Humility Making You Arrogant?

“The thing about sincerity is you have to learn it, even when the world is watching. You just have to teach your heart that Allah is watching.”

—from the journal of Umm Zakiyyah

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Several years ago I was invited to a social gathering for Muslim women at a friend’s home. When it was time for Maghrib prayer, the hostess asked if there was anyone who could lead the Salaah because she herself did not have enough knowledge of Qur’an to do it. Though I felt in my heart an inclination speak up, I remained silent, as I felt too shy to volunteer myself.

The room grew quiet except for a few mumblings from other women saying that they too had very little knowledge Qur’an. In those passing moments, it became obvious that amidst the small group of women, almost none of us had studied Tajweed (the rules of recitation) or memorized much of anything from Qur’an.

But I myself had studied Tajweed and memorized some Qur’an. Yet still I remained silent, internally rationalizing that it was closer to humility to say nothing to others about what I knew.

When it became obvious that we were at risk of letting the time of Maghrib slip by, a woman sighed and reluctantly agreed to lead the Salaah but first warned us, “I don’t know much Qur’an myself.”

It was while standing alongside her in prayer that my heart dropped and I knew in my gut that I was wrong for what I had done. The woman who was leading the prayer did not have even basic correct pronunciation of Al-Faatihah, so much so that I was scared to say “Ameen” after her recitation. For I had no idea what we would be begging from Allah in those incorrect words. And since I felt that it was my fault that we were in this predicament, I feared that Allah would grant me that faulty prayer as a punishment for my false humility.

False Humility Is Not Sincerity

This incident happened more than fifteen years ago, and I still remember the deep feeling in my heart that I was wrong. I remember the heaviness in my gut that told me that not only had I displeased Allah, but that it also wasn’t due to sincerity—or humility—that I’d hidden what I knew.

I later learned during my studies of Qur’an and Islamic spirituality that riyaa’—which is often translated as showing off—is not only in doing a good deed for other than the pleasure of Allah. It is also in withholding yourself from doing a good deed for that same impure motivation.

In other words, just as it is displeasing to Allah to publicly do a good deed while seeking the admiration and praise of people, it is also displeasing to Allah to refrain from doing a good deed while you know it will be beneficial or necessary in that circumstance. Yet you don’t do it merely out of fear of being accused of showing off, of being “too religious,” or because you simply want to keep it a secret while there is no real necessity or benefit in doing so.

It can also be due to needing to view yourself as “humble” and sincere in your own eyes, as was the case with me remaining quiet to avoid leading the Salaah.

Don’t Be Too ‘Humble’ To Share This Deen

Given the serious sin of seeking admiration from people when doing good deeds, it is only natural that our fear of falling into riyaa’ should motivate us to keep secret as many good deeds as possible—especially when there is no apparent benefit or necessity in making our good deeds known to others.

However, this secrecy in itself does not guarantee us protection from falling into the sin of riyaa’. It is possible that we are doing good deeds privately with the secret hope that others will one day admire us for our modesty and humility should our “secret righteousness” ever somehow become revealed. It is also possible that we are doing deeds privately because it feeds the kibr (sinful pride) in our heart that tells us that we are better than other Muslims, particularly the ones we look down on for publicizing some of their good deeds.

While it is certainly safest as a general rule to keep your good deeds secret, ultimately riyaa’ itself has nothing to do with whether or not a deed is kept secret or made public. Allah makes this point clear in the Qur’an when He discusses the good deed of giving charity, saying what has been translated to mean: “And those who remain patient, seeking their Lord’s Countenance, establish Salaah, and spend out of that which We have bestowed on them, secretly and openly, and repel evil with good. For such there is a good end“ (Ar-Ra’ad, 13:22)

In this, Allah is letting us know that there are times that doing a good deed publicly has a greater good—and higher reward—than keeping it private. This is especially the case when authentic Islamic practice and the prophetic Sunnah are being abandoned by the people, thereby placing the greater good in doing some good deeds publicly as a way to call people back to Allah.

‘They Need To Stop Showing Off!’

It is heartbreaking that we live in a time where accusing our fellow brothers and sisters of riyaa’ has become a norm, particularly if we see believers publicizing a good deed that we ourselves would have kept quiet.

However, if we truly fear Allah and are seeking His pleasure, we should never observe the good deeds of a fellow Muslim and then accuse them of riyaa’. This accusation itself could be sinful and displeasing to Allah.

Not only does this claim cause us to potentially fall into the sin of slander, it could also result in the serious sin of commanding the evil and forbidding the good. This is especially the case if we end up creating a “religious culture” wherein believers are discouraged from sharing any good deeds publicly—not due to fear of Allah, but due to fear of us publicly shaming and humiliating them. Meanwhile, the culture of publicized sin, immorality, and wrongdoing grows widespread around us.

So while keeping our good deeds private certainly helps in striving for ikhlaas (sincerity in front of Allah), it is not a requirement from Allah in all cases, and it is not a guaranteed protection from riyaa’.

You Can’t See Riyaa’

One of the things that the Qur’an and prophetic teachings make clear is that when it comes to the sin of riyaa’—showing off or doing something for other than the pleasure of Allah—this is primarily an issue of the ghayb (unseen) more than anything else, especially when it relates to someone else falling into it. Therefore, if you sincerely wish to root out this sin, you must focus on your own heart and behavior as opposed to making claims about someone else’s lack of sincerity.

In this, there are no specific deeds that can be put in the category of riyaa’ while others are automatically sincere. Because riyaa’ is rooted in the heart, there is no deed that can be labeled as either sincere or insincere in itself. Furthermore, in the prophetic teachings, the sin of riyaa has been likened to a type of shirk that is extremely subtle. This is so much so that even the person falling into it wouldn’t perceive it any more than they would the footsteps of an ant.

In warning the believers against the hidden nature of this sin, Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) said: “Shirk among you will be more subtle than the footsteps of an ant, but I will teach you something which, if you do it, both minor and major shirk will be kept away from you. Say: Allaahumma inni a’oodhu bika an ushrika bika wa ana a’lam wa astaghfiruka lima la a’lam (O Allah, I seek refuge with You from associating anything with You knowingly, and I seek Your forgiveness for that of which I am unaware)” (Saheeh al-Jaami’, 3731; Sahih by al-Albaani)

Therefore, our only hope in rooting out this sin is in turning to Allah consistently and asking Him to purify our hearts and forgive us whenever we fall short.

Memorizing Qur’an Should Be Kept Secret?

About a week ago I shared this emotional reflection on social media after reading a post that accused memorizers of Qur’an of riyaa’ if they shared their hifdh progress online:

I’m feeling a bit heartbroken…

Earlier today I was searching on social media for some inspiration in improving my relationship with Qur’an, specifically from those who are on their hifdh journey (on the path of memorizing the Qur’an) or have already completed it. In the past few weeks, I was deeply motivated as I came across several accounts of aspiring huffaadh (memorizers of Qur’an) who were sharing their progress and struggles. Some shared their daily memorization along with a picture of the page or the actual recitation (which is so beautiful and inspiring, mashaAllah); others shared daily reminders encouraging others to never give up; others shared both. All of this really lifted my spirits and reminded me that I too could succeed on this journey, bi’idhnillah!

SubhaanAllah. It’s so beautiful and uplifting scrolling through social media and seeing a page from the Qur’an and hearing the beautiful recitation to go along with it, especially from someone striving to memorize Qur’an! It’s so heart-touching, mashaAllah.

Then I happened upon a post of someone criticizing those who shared their daily hifdh, accusing them of riyaa (i.e. showing off, being insincere, and just wanting to boast and brag), and this person said that memorizing Qur’an is not for social media…

Reading this broke my heart, as it reminded me that even in the most beautiful posts possible (that of sharing hifdh of Allah’s Book), we can be shamed, accused of evil intentions, and then be discouraged from it.

I was reminded of moments when I myself was struggling spiritually and doing the little bit of good I could muster, and if any of it happened to be in public, I was accused of doing something evil or wrong. One time this happened when I recited Qur’an to a Muslim who was very ill (and who’d told me that they loved for me to recite to them), and another Muslim who was there accused me of being arrogant for reciting Qur’an to the person. It made me feel so small and humiliated, and it made me shrink away from the company of many Muslims…

So anyway, seeing a post criticizing those who shared their hifdh progress on social media brought back all these memories. My heart hurt, as I was reminded of the endless darkness of Shaytaan’s plots in seeking to put in our hearts the worst assumption about the most beautiful things…

SubhaanAllah…

Yes, most of our good deeds should be kept private, but not all of them, as there is benefit for ourselves and others in doing good both secretly and openly, as Allah says: “And those who remain patient, seeking their Lord’s Countenance, establish the Salaah, and spend out of that which We have bestowed on them, secretly and openly, and repel evil with good, for such there is a good end” (13:22).

Please keep me and all the striving Muslims in your du’aa.

And please, if you see a Muslim doing something good and sharing it with others, know that they are very likely striving to be sincere and earn good deeds—not to show off or brag to others. Because really, there’s very little to brag about in this world, especially when we don’t even know what is being written for us in our Book of Deeds, and we can deceive ourselves in *any* good we do—even in private, and even in accusing *others* of showing off.

And let’s remember: Memorizing Qur’an is not an easy journey, whether it’s being kept secret so that no one knows your progress, or if you share it as an encouragement to yourself and others. In either case, may Allah accept it from us, and help us all in this journey of purifying our intentions and memorizing His Book.

Love,

your sister in faith,

Umm Zakiyyah

• • •

Here is something I shared with the person who made the original post claiming that hifdh of Qur’an is not for social media, and (they claimed) that only reminders about Qur’an should be posted to avoid falling into riyaa’:

The Qur’an is for every part of this world, including social media. Riyaa’ is a matter of the unseen, so there’s no way to measure it based on external actions alone. Just as a person can be insincere in sharing their hifdh of Qur’an online, a person can be insincere in sharing reminders about Qur’an online. Why then is one considered insincere and the other considered praiseworthy?

There are zillions of intentions a person can have when sharing their hifdh online, and riyaa’ is only one possibility, and the worst possibility amongst them. We should strive to have husnu-dhann and assume the best about a believer.

Here are some reasons a person might share their Qur’an hifdh online while their heart is sincere:

A direct reminder to others via actions vs. human words only to encourage others to memorize Qur’an (the same intention we have when posting reminders)
Creating a culture of dhikr (remembrance of Allah) to combat all the evil that is posted online
Holding oneself accountable in front of Allah via the witness of others (like we do for witnesses in worldly contracts)

…and the list goes on.

Be Careful of Pride When Seeking Humility

Our desire to root out riyaa’ should never cause us to fall into kibr—looking down on people and feeling that our approach to earning good deeds is superior to theirs. In this, we must be very careful that our efforts in sincerity and humility are not making us arrogant.

This arrogance can occur when we genuinely imagine that a person is insincere or showing off just because they are doing something publicly that we ourselves would keep private. If we are truly sincere in our own efforts to please Allah, it should make no difference to us whether another person’s approach to this same divine pleasure is different from ours.

If what they are doing truly bothers us, this could actually be a sign that we ourselves are suffering from a spiritual disease in our hearts, especially if they are committing no apparent sin. In this, we need to be mindful that our disapproval of them could actually point to us secretly harboring resentment that they are being admired for something that we feel we more rightly deserve. Yet we are bitter because no one knows about all the good we do privately that makes us more “deserving” of the praise someone else is receiving.

While it is certainly good and absolutely necessary to have our own personal boundaries in protecting our heart from corrupt intentions, this effort itself becomes corrupt when we insist that others have the same boundaries that we do. When we begin to use our own thinking and behavior as the measuring stick of everyone else’s sincerity, humility, and spirituality; then we are not only falling into the sin of kibr, we are further calling others to follow our example instead of that of the Prophet (peace be upon him) and to obey us instead of Allah. Therefore, it is we who are in most need of spiritual correction, not those we assume are “showing off.”

Actions Are By Intention

In seeking spiritual sincerity, each of us has personal boundaries for the health of our soul that are different from someone else’s. You might, for example, protect your modesty by never posting a picture or video of yourself online. However, this personal boundary, however sincere and blessed it is for your own soul, doesn’t automatically mean that anyone who posts a picture or video of himself or herself is immodest and insincere.

You might also choose to never tell others about charity you’ve given and thus donate only to charities that protect your privacy. But this doesn’t automatically mean that anyone who publicly donates to a charity is trying to show off. They could be trying to encourage others to give to a good cause, or they could be trying to revive the Sunnah of generosity. Or there could be a zillion other reasons they approach the issue differently from you while Allah still preserves the sincerity in their heart.

Similarly, some people do not share any posts, photos, or videos of going to Hajj or ‘Umrah; yet others do. This doesn’t mean their worship is insincere. It could simply mean they want to share the good news and beautiful experience with believers whom they love for the sake of Allah. And if this is what they genuinely intended, then they will be rewarded based on that intention.

In a famous hadith, Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) taught us: “Verily actions are by intentions, and for every person is what he intended” (Bukhari and Muslim).

So no, every good deed announced publicly isn’t “showing off.” Actions are by intention, and some Muslims intend to speak openly about their praying, fasting, charity, and hifdh of Qur’an so that these good deeds are revived as normal amongst Muslims today.

And there are many who benefit from these reminders. For Allah says, “And remind, for indeed, the reminder benefits the believers” (Adh-Dhaariyaat, 51:55).

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Umm Zakiyyah is the internationally acclaimed author of twenty books, including the If I Should Speak trilogy, Muslim Girl , and His Other Wife . In 2019, she launched UZ Soul Gear , a passion project fueled by her love of both art and inspirational reflections. UZSoulGear.com offers apparel, wall décor, and more, aimed at supporting and inspiring the soul-centered lifestyle.

Want to find or improve your writing voice? Join UZ University to learn how, so you too can share inspirational stories with the world: UZuniversity.com

Subscribe to Umm Zakiyyah’s YouTube channel , follow her on Instagram or Twitter , and join her Facebook page.

Copyright © 2019 by Al-Walaa Publications. All Rights Reserved.

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Are You Pleased with Allah As Your Lord?

Abdullah ibn Amr reported that the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “None of you has [true] faith until his desires comply with what I have brought.”

—Al-Sunnah li-Ibn Abī ‘Āṣim 14, Sahih by Al-Nawawi

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Are you pleased with Allah as your Lord? This is a question that hit my heart as I was reciting the morning and evening dhikr, which can be translated as, “I am pleased with Allah as a Rabb (Lord), Islam as a deen, and Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) as a prophet.”

As I asked myself this question, I realized that there is deep guidance and soul nourishment in teaching your heart to be pleased with Allah as your Rabb—the Creator, Owner, and Manager of your life; with Islam as your deen—your way of life; and Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) as your prophet—the one who conveys to you directly from Allah Himself what He, your Rabb, requires from you during your brief time on earth.

It is heartbreaking that we live in a time that seeks to remove each one of these points of guidance and soul nourishment from the lives of Muslims. We are taught to view our worldly desires as our Rabb, the ultimate lord and dictator of our lives—whether in seeking wealth and property, in fulfilling a sexual desire, or in securing a specific type of marriage for ourselves.

For many of us, we are so intent on fulfilling these desires that we are willing to alter or deny the teachings of Allah until haraam (forbidden) wealth becomes permissible, until sinful lifestyles and “orientations” define who we are, and until we have genuinely convinced ourselves that the only type of marriage allowed in this world is the one we prefer for ourselves.

Regarding this effective worshipping of our desires, Allah says what has been translated to mean, “Have you seen the one who takes as his ilah (god) his own vain desires?” (Al-Jaathiyah, 45:23).

To make matters worse for our souls, when we are reminded to fear Allah and submit to His timeless guidance instead of our modern innovated, manmade deen, we rush to either point to an imam or scholar who has reinterpreted the Qur’an in a way that allows us to reject the parts we dislike, or we delve into this reinterpretation ourselves. In this, we have no goal except to ensure that the desires of our heart are portrayed as divine truth, thereby effectively rewriting Scripture to fit our own selfish purposes.

Of this Allah says, “So woe to those who write the ‘scripture’ with their own hands, then say, ‘This is from Allah,’ in order to exchange it for a small price. Woe to them for what their hands have written and woe to them for what they earn” (Al–Baqarah, 2:79).

Regarding accepting one part of His guidance and rejecting another part, Allah says, “…So do you believe in part of the Book and disbelieve in [the other] part? Then what is the recompense for those who do that among you except disgrace in worldly life; and on the Day of Resurrection they will be sent back to the severest of punishment. And Allah is not unaware of what you do” (Al-Baqarah, 2:85).

Don’t Take Being Muslim for Granted

What’s so chilling about this form of misguidance is that, most significantly, it puts us at risk of kufr (disbelief) itself—even if we genuinely imagine ourselves to be Muslim. Moreover, in many cases, what we are seeking through changing the religion we could achieve through simply changing our lives.

In other words, while there are some things that we must certainly stay away from due to them always being forbidden (like haraam sexuality), there are other things that we can indeed enjoy and achieve—such as wealth and property, or a type of marriage we prefer—without altering, reinterpreting, or rejecting any part of Allah’s deen.

This reality is obvious to anyone with eyes to see. However, Allah says, “Truly, it is not their eyes that are blind, but their hearts which are in their breasts” (Al-Hajj, 22:46).

Are Prophetic Teachings ‘Tales of the Ancients’?

In seeking to inspire sight in the spiritually blind heart, bi’idhnillaah, sincere believers often remind their fellow Muslim brothers and sisters to adhere to Islam as it was revealed in Qur’an, and as it was lived and taught by the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) and his Companions. However, many modern-day Muslims, even ones who imagine themselves to be following the Sunnah, reject this reminder on grounds that we live in a different time period than the earliest Muslims.

They argue that because we live in “modern times,” we don’t have to accept the same rules and restrictions on pursuing wealth and property that the early Muslims did. They further argue that we don’t have to accept certain practices of marriage as valid or praiseworthy, no matter how often the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) and his Companions participated in them.

In other words, they are saying that these stories and teachings from prophetic history are effectively “tales of the ancients”—with no bearing on our modern, more evolved (and superior) lifestyle.

Regarding this misguided thinking, Allah says, “When Our verses are recited to him, he says, ‘Tales of the ancients!’ Nay (by no means)! Rather, on their hearts is the stain of the [ill] which they do” (Al-Mutaffifeen, 83:13-14).

In this, Allah is clarifying that differentiating between one time period and another for the purpose of rejecting anything from the Qur’an is due to nothing except a spiritually diseased heart. Our Rabb further exposes the true root of this argument: These people are merely doing so much evil that their hearts have become stained with raan, and it is this raan (stain of illness) that inspires them to reject what Allah has revealed when it contradicts what they do.

Every People Lived in Modern Times

In reflecting on the heartbreaking misguidance in the “We live in modern times!” argument, I wrote this in my personal journal:

“We’re nothing like them!” we say when we speak of the Prophet (sallallaahu’alayhi wa sallam) his Companions, and other righteous believers praised in Qur’an and hadith. But why are we so eager to separate ourselves from them, when Allah Himself points to them as our example? And when Allah commands us in every obligatory Salaah to pray to be on the Straight Path that they adhered to in their lives?

What then do you think is the purpose of their example, and of this prayer?

Do we really imagine that our brothers and sisters who preceded us couldn’t possibly relate to the challenges we face today? Do we really imagine that we can find absolutely nothing in their lives to help us understand our own?

Yet we, like they did before us, face the believers’ timeless struggle of holding on to the truth while nearly everything around us—from our nafs to the oppressive society in which we live—seeks to pull us away from Allah’s Straight Path.

Or do we rush to separate ourselves from their faithful existence because, deep down, we know our dilemmas are no different? Yet the claim of separation allows us to ignore (or deny) our religious obligations, claiming we live in “modern times”? When in fact, every era of people lived in modern times, as there is no other possibility for those who are alive during a period in time.

I wonder then what we think we are supposed to learn—other than history—from reading about the youth of the cave, about the plight of those persecuted by Pharaoh, about the hijrah from Makkah to Abyssinia and then Madinah?

And about every generation calling its people to Allah.

What do you think, dear soul? Are these merely “tales of the ancients”?

Or is possible that, within these stories, there are solutions that our Lord wants us to implement today?

Sick Hearts Make Us Dislike Spiritual Truth

Unfortunately, the spiritually diseased heart is not satisfied with the guidance of Qur’an and prophetic teachings, as Allah so aptly pointed out in discussing the raan (stain of illness) that is on the hearts of those who claim His teachings are just “tales of the ancients.” It is this raan that makes a person’s heart resentful that they should be prevented from pursuing wealth and property in the exact manner they want. It is also this raan that makes a person’s heart resentful and angry that Ar-Rahmaan (the Most Merciful) would permit any type of marriage for anyone if it does not match the one they want for themselves.

In other words, the spiritually diseased heart is displeased with Allah as a Lord, Islam as a deen, and Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) as a prophet. Therefore, this spiritually sick person assigns himself or herself as the dictator of their own life and the lives of others. They assign their own preferred marital lifestyle as the only one divinely approved for all believers. In seeking to justify this, they assign themselves (or the sheikhs who agree with them) as a prophet, thereby relying on their own emotions, desires, and convictions as a form of “divine guidance” instead of what was revealed to and lived by Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) himself.

It was due to fearing this spiritually destructive fate that I found myself asking my nafs (my mind, heart and soul), “Are you pleased with Allah as your Lord?” Each morning and evening I recited with my tongue the dhikr, “I am pleased with Allah as a Rabb (Lord), Islam as a deen, and Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) as a prophet.”

But are you really? I found my heart asking. So I prayed to Allah to make it so.

Because regarding this dhikr, the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “Whoever says when he enters the evening, ‘I am pleased with Allah as a Lord, with Islam as a religion, and with Muhammad as a prophet,’ it will be a duty upon Allah to please him” (Sunan al-Tirmidhī 3389, Hasan according to Ibn Hajar).

And I want to be amongst those honored with this merciful divine duty that Allah, my Lord, has placed on Himself.

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Umm Zakiyyah is the internationally acclaimed author of twenty books, including the If I Should Speak trilogy, Muslim Girl , and His Other Wife . In 2019, she launched UZ Soul Gear , a passion project fueled by her love of both art and inspirational reflections. UZSoulGear.com offers apparel, wall décor, and more, aimed at supporting and inspiring the soul-centered lifestyle.

Want to find or improve your writing voice? Join UZ University to learn how, so you too can share inspirational stories with the world: UZuniversity.com

Subscribe to Umm Zakiyyah’s YouTube channel , follow her on Instagram or Twitter , and join her Facebook page.

Copyright © 2019 by Al-Walaa Publications. All Rights Reserved.

The post Are You Pleased with Allah As Your Lord? appeared first on Umm Zakiyyah.

He Apologized? We Have No Idea What an Apology Means

“An apology, if it is truly an apology, is no more than a hope and a prayer—that the damage you’ve done can be repaired, and that you will be forgiven by both your Lord and the ones you’ve wronged. An apology should never be shared for the purpose of silencing or dismissing those hurt by the original transgression. If it is, it is not an apology. Rather, it is a euphemism for telling the wronged that they that don’t matter and that their pain doesn’t have the right to be felt. In other words, it is merely another transgression itself.”

—from the journal of Umm Zakiyyah

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I didn’t expect it to hurt this much. I guess there are some things that really just tip the balance, and you don’t know how much you’re hurting until a single word causes your legs to give out from beneath you and you fall to your knees.

But that’s the best position to be in because you’re already kneeling before the Healer of hearts, and the prayers flow as effortlessly as the tears.

Yet still, when that single word comes from the mouth of a believer, the emotional pain is excruciating.

But no matter how much the initial words hurt, I know that the worst pain comes after the obligatory apology. That’s when it becomes official. My invisibility, I mean. And my punishment for hurting and tending to my wounds. Because to most people, apologies are not acknowledgements of wrongs. They’re decrees that no hurting—or healing—is allowed beyond that point.

So today, I don’t even hope for apologies. I just hope for my own healing and relief. If there were some way to just shut out the noise and simply live my life in peace, I would. Like claims of love uttered on the tongues of abusers, apologies in environments of racism and injustice have nothing to do with the ones who suffered the initial harm. In these environments, apologies are just licenses for the wrongdoers and their supporters to inflict more and more harm—unabated. So when I hear “He apologized!” I just cringe and wait for the blows to get more intense.

This is where the saying, “It gets worse before it gets better” is quite apt.

The sad thing is, sometimes the one issuing the apology is indeed sincere. Sometimes the one apologizing genuinely realizes he’s wrong and wants to make amends. But that doesn’t stop the mobs of #Istandwithhimnomatterwhat from using the apology as an excuse to keep the blows coming. But now they have the excuse, “He apologized! What else do you ingrates want?”

I’ve never understood the statement of an apology in the same context of getting irritated or angry with those harmed by the initial blow. An apology is supposed to be an admission of guilt and the hope for forgiveness, not a magic wand that makes the harm suddenly disappear—or magically turns the wrongdoer into the victim and the victim into the wrongdoer.

Wherever there is a necessary apology, there is necessary healing. And as a general rule, the latter takes much, much longer than the former. Sometimes the latter never comes. And since we, unfortunately, live in an ummah where healing is viewed as effectively impermissible once an apology comes, there really are some things that can only be redressed on the Day of Judgment.

And that’s where I find my peace. In fact, I’m getting to the point where that’s the only knowledge that gives me peace.

Because today, apologies aren’t apologies. They’re gag orders. And there’s nothing like the pain of being gagged right after you’ve been hurt.

So I await the Judgment of my Lord on this, for He is the best and swiftest of judges and the most qualified in settling affairs.

But I admit, I’m tired. I really am. It’s exhausting constantly finding your very existence under scrutiny when you’re doing nothing other than just living your life. And I certainly don’t like being reminded that my Muslim brothers and sisters think that my right to a dignified existence is up for debate just because my Lord has gifted me with melanin in my skin.

“But you’re not understanding what he was trying to say! He’s really sincere!”

Ugh. Why is it that so many Muslims believe agreement and understanding are synonyms? And why do so many of us equate disagreement with the assumption of evil in a person’s heart? And why is the alleged goodness of the wrongdoer consistently more important than the necessary healing of the ones who’ve been hurt?

I couldn’t care less about the good or bad in someone’s heart or intentions. I have no way of knowing about that anyway. But practically speaking, a person’s goodness has no benefit for me if it translates into emotional or physical harm in my life.

So no, please don’t tell me about how good the person is who harmed me and my people, and don’t tell me he apologized. Because in both statements is the clear message that he’s the only one who matters here. And that hurts more than the initial hurt itself.

Because I don’t know what else to say on this topic, I leave you with excerpts from my journal on the topics of apologies and the religious policing of emotional pain (better known as Muslims calling for “adab” and “respect” from those who’ve been hurt). For the record, none of these entries were written in light of the recent events; in fact, they were penned long before this tragedy occurred. But I share them in hopes that we’ll self-reflect on how we continuously harm our brothers and sisters in faith, sometimes in the name of faith—and thus continuously harm our own souls.

‘Justice before adab.

Yes, we hear “adab before knowledge,” but when someone has been terribly wronged and they speak up about it, justice comes before manners. They have every right to be outraged, and we have no right to police their words, so long as they’re not harming anyone.

It is ridiculous to speak about adab after a child has been viciously abused, a woman has been sexually assaulted or raped, or a man’s life is in ruins after being falsely accused.

Is their tone of speech and word choice really more important than their right to justice?

I find it very interesting that the demand for adab often comes from the same camp as the injustice itself. This is true for social-political crimes, and it is true for religious ones.

How often are we required to sit in utter “respectful” silence and listen to religious leaders speak lies about our religion, sometimes going as far as to condemn us to Hellfire or to declare that our personal halaal choices are haraam, often breaking up families as a result?

So no, I will not sit idly in “respectful silence” exercising this narrow definition of adab—which really just means giving oppressors free rein to ruin our lives without as much as a word being spoken against them.’

—excerpt of FAITH. From the Journal of Umm Zakiyyah

• • •

Regret.

“I’m sorry” is often uttered more to relieve the speaker’s guilt than to express any genuine regret or intentions of making amends. In this, their words are merely an antiseptic for the bruise they suffered when they struck you, not an acknowledgement of your wounds or any desire to tend to them. This is why they often say, “I apologized! What else do you want?” whenever they see you’re still hurting—and why they continue to hurt you still.

It was never about your healing in the first place. It was about using “I’m sorry” to prove they’re a good person, and to quiet their own guilty conscience. So your lingering hurt is just further proof to their ego that they are mature enough to move on, while you’re the one “stuck in the past.” Meanwhile, they refuse to see that it’s not the past that’s crippling you. It’s the pain of unhealed wounds.

—excerpt of PAIN. From the Journal of Umm Zakiyyah

• • •

‘At a certain point, it really doesn’t matter how much good someone has done for you. The wounds of betrayal, humiliation, and harm sometimes run so deep that they cut right through the very life veins of all previous good and happiness. So be careful. There are some things an “I’m sorry”—and even sincere repentance to God—cannot fix. A person may forgive you, and even God may forgive you. But that doesn’t mean the person can handle your presence in their life ever again.’

—excerpt of PAIN. From the Journal of Umm Zakiyyah

• • •

‘Holding onto hatred and bitterness is not the same as not forgiving. We can let go of animosity and resentment by finding peace in knowing that God will deal with a person in the Hereafter—or that they’ll carry some of our sins. This allows us to live the rest of our lives with a clear, peaceful heart. So don’t let anyone guilt you into forgiving if you’re not ready yet, especially if you find more peace in knowing that God will deal with a person than in absolving them of accountability altogether. Yes, as a general rule, forgiveness is closest to righteousness. But God defines righteousness, and He’s the One who gave the wronged the option to choose.’

—excerpt of PAIN. From the Journal of Umm Zakiyyah

• • •

‘What I’m discussing has nothing to do with an individual person. It is addressing underlying issues that this incident has brought to light…But ultimately this is not about anyone apologizing to me or anyone else: This is similar to what African-Americans faced leading up to the Civil Rights Movement. Many White people made offensive jokes and statements about Black people, and as individuals, many of these White people apologized for their insensitive and offensive statements, and Black people accepted these individual apologies; but they did not abandon the entire Civil Rights Movement because a few people were sincere and upstanding enough to admit their mistakes. This is because the harm that these statements caused to an entire race of people still needed be addressed…Women are mistreated daily in the name of Islam, and this incident is only scratching the surface concerning what is *really* happening at alarming rates in homes and communities each day where women are concerned…But let us leave names out of it, because we are *all* suffering from this, and it’s not about who said what. It’s about our responsibility to our souls, and men’s responsibility to the women of this ummah. And, of this, the men are falling dangerously short— and the proof is that both leaders and laypeople actually imagine that this is about one man and his apology, and whether we accept it or not. May Allah guide us and help us.’

—Umm Zakiyyah, in response to a post re: Abu Esa’s offensive comments about women

• • •

‘We can accept someone’s apology and forgive their wrongs, but don’t say we must now keep quiet and behave as it never happened, or that we are now forbidden to clean up the damage that an apology cannot erase. The famous Companion Bilal (ra) was derogatorily called “son of a black woman” and forgave this wrong. The former slave Wahshi (ra) became Muslim after killing Hamza (ra), the uncle of the Prophet (peace be upon him) and the Prophet accepted him and never sought punishment for the crime—but we learn that the Prophet never got over the sadness that seeing Wahshi caused him because it reminded him of Hamza; so Wahshi was asked to “keep his face away” from the Prophet, which he did. And until today we narrate the story of Bilal to speak out against racism, and we narrate the story of Wahshi and the Prophet to highlight how apologizing and being granted forgiveness is for your *own* soul—not to dictate how others must handle the aftermath of your wrongs. So before you tell someone to “move on” and “stop talking about this already,” know that Islam does not give you this right; and your suggestion ignores others’ right—and obligation—to clean up the damage and root out the problem so that it, bi’idhnillaah, never happens again.’

— from the journal of Umm Zakiyyah

• • •

‘There is some pain that apologies simply cannot erase. But I definitely feel a sense of hope for the soul of the one moved to openly admit his mistakes. It shows he is on the road to recovery and repentance…even as his transgressions may have sent so many of us so deeply into pain that *our* road to recovery will elude us for quite some time.’

—from the journal of Umm Zakiyyah

• • •

I do not understand this word disrespectful.

I do not understand it.

But I heard it muttered alongside my name when I moved my lips while I was hurting.

They spoke of the rights of the one who struck me.

They spoke of the good of the one who slandered me.

And they spoke of the piety of the one who dismissed me.

 

I do not understand this word disrespectful.

I do not understand it.

But I heard it uttered after her name as she rushed away,

the cloth slipping from her head.

They spoke of the sanctity of the female body.

They spoke of the raging desires of the man near her.

But they did not speak of her

Or her pain.

 

I do not understand this word disrespectful.

I do not understand it.

But I heard it shouted from the pulpit after he wrote a song about Allah.

They spoke of the evil instruments of Shaytaan.

They spoke of the corruption of the rappers and singers.

But they did not speak of him

Or his soul.

 

I do not understand this word disrespectful.

I do not understand it.

But we whisper it in low voices, fearing it is carved on our souls.

So we do not move our lips when we are hurting.

We do not shield ourselves when they are striking us.

And we do not fault them when they slander us.

And we do not introduce ourselves to the world.

 

For we know religiousness is in silence.

And piety is in pain

So we submit to their dismissiveness.

And nod emphatically to their words.

 

We’ve made peace with not knowing who we are.

We find joy in denying our sadness.

But we smile.

Oh we smile!

Until the tears sting our eyes

Because now

They call us respectful.

—excerpt of PAIN. From the Journal of Umm Zakiyyah

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Umm Zakiyyah is the internationally acclaimed author of twenty books, including the If I Should Speak trilogy, Muslim Girl , and His Other Wife . In 2019, she launched UZ Soul Gear , a passion project fueled by her love of both art and inspirational reflections. UZSoulGear.com offers apparel, wall décor, and more, aimed at supporting and inspiring the soul-centered lifestyle.

Want to find or improve your writing voice? Join UZ University to learn how, so you too can share inspirational stories with the world: UZuniversity.com

Subscribe to Umm Zakiyyah’s YouTube channel , follow her on Instagram or Twitter , and join her Facebook page.

Copyright © 2016, 2019 by Al-Walaa Publications. All Rights Reserved.

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How ‘Good People’ End Up Destroying Lives and Souls

“The tongue, O Allah, the tongue! Protect me from it, even as it moves in broken rhythm with my own troubled heart.”

—excerpt of FAITH. From the Journal of Umm Zakiyyah

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“She obviously thinks it’s perfectly fine to break apart marriages, support friends backstabbing each other, and dismiss the rights of women.”

The words were from a sister of mine—a sister in faith. Many sisters, in fact. And no matter how much I tried to clarify that I believed wholeheartedly in the preservation of marriage, of friends being empathetic and compassionate to each other, and of my deep desire that women were protected from harm and oppression in this world, it was dismissed.

Because I wouldn’t agree to the manmade honor codes that these professed Muslims believed would guarantee true justice and good in the world, I was accused of seeking the opposite.

“But we’re Muslim,” I’d say. “So we absolutely must strive to root out wrongdoing wherever we find it. But that should never mean rooting out the guidance of Allah.”

“She’s just using religion as an excuse to support abuse and patriarchy!” they’d say.

Then I’d grow silent and say in my heart, O Allah, I hand this over to You.

Because there really is no winning an argument wherein only one side is allowed to speak for themselves, or be listened to. Besides, this was less a “justice” issue than it was a heart issue, and I realized that it is only Allah who could guide and enlighten hearts.

We See with Our Hearts

We see with our hearts more than our eyes. This is why the problems that stick out most to us—and appear the most harmful to human life—are those that come from life paths and people we already dislike, even if we are unaware of the root of our “vision.”

In the Qur’an, Allah tells us what has been translated to mean, “Truly, it is not their eyes that are blind, but their hearts which are in their breasts”(Al-Hajj, 22:46).

We often think of this spiritual blindness as affecting only open disbelievers who arrogantly reject the signs of Allah. But the truth is that “blindness of the heart” affects all human beings on varying levels. Naturally, the arrogant disbeliever is suffering from the deepest and most destructive blindness of the heart. However, the arrogant Muslim is also suffering from this blindness, just not to the same degree as a disbeliever.

Nevertheless, our spiritual blindness as Muslims can certainly reach the degree of kufr (disbelief) if we don’t nourish our souls in a continuous, daily effort to root out the disease. It is only the most ignorant amongst us who assume that they are completely safe from the disease of kibr (unhealthy pride and arrogance) corrupting and blinding their heart. In this, our spiritual destruction can merely begin with the tiniest traces of looking down on someone and rejecting the truth when we are reminded of it.

Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “No one who has an atom’s weight of kibr (pride) in his heart will enter Paradise.” A man said, “O Messenger of Allah, what if a man likes his clothes and his shoes to look good?” He said, “Allah is Beautiful and loves beauty. Pride means rejecting the truth and looking down on people” (Sahih Muslim).

Thus, we must remain very vigilant in rooting out this disease from our hearts, as even the tiniest trace of it can destroy us spiritually. One way we can do this is by being very self-reflective, prayerful, and honest with ourselves. In this way, we begin to realize that we are not always capable of knowing whether our opinions and convictions are truly rooted in a sincere desire for justice and goodness in the world, or if they are merely rooted in our unhealed personal traumas or in a spiritual blindness of kibr that is covering our hearts.

The Sin of Spreading Harm in Ignorance

When we are calling to (or away from) certain things based on our personal traumas or kibr more than our sincere emaan (faith and authentic spirituality), we will spread harm and destruction in the world, even while we don’t have the slightest perception that we’re doing anything wrong. In fact, we might genuinely imagine we are the ones rooting out evil, spreading peace, and setting things right.

Allah warns us of this in the Qur’an when He says: “And when it is said to them, ‘Make not mischief on the earth,’ they say, ‘We are only peacemakers.’ Verily, they are the ones who make mischief but they perceive not”(Al-Baqarah, 2:11-12).

He also says: “Say, ‘Shall We tell you the greatest losers with respect to [their] deeds? Those whose efforts have been wasted in this life while they thought they were acquiring good by their work…” (Al-Kahf, 18: 103-104).

“But how would I know this is happening to me?” we might ask. “Why would I be held accountable for doing wrong if I genuinely think I’m doing good?” The answer is quite simple: Allah relieves us from the burden of perception through the obligation of submission.

Once you submit to Allah’s guidance on any matter, the burden of carrying the weight of knowing your potential wrongdoing (had you not submitted), is lifted from you, and you are instead offered forgiveness and mercy for any inevitable faults and mistakes. You are further granted the blessings of being an example to others in doing good, particularly in environments where submitting to Allah has been abandoned such that re-initiating that good could be beneficial for generations to come.

However, once we refuse to submit to the guidance of Allah (even when we don’t understand it) and instead introduce to the world our own definitions of good and bad, then we most certainly will carry the burden of the wrongs we have done (even in ignorance), as well as all the unseen harms we cause others’ souls, the world around us, and the lives of innocent people. This is the case even if we genuinely have no idea just how far-reaching that harm will be, and even if we end up accruing sin while we are in our graves.

Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him said): “Whoever initiates (revives) a good deed in Islam, he gets its reward and the reward granted to anyone who does it after him, without reducing the reward of the doer himself. And anyone who establishes a bad deed in Islam, he bears its burden and the burden of anyone who does it after him, without reducing anything from the doer’s sin” (Sahih Muslim).

Moreover, Allah says, “They will bear their own burdens in full on the Day of Resurrection, and also of the burdens of those whom they misled without knowledge. Evil indeed is that which they shall bear” (An-Nahl, 16:25).

Islam Protects Us From Ourselves

So long as we are living a life of submission to our Creator and doing the best we can to live in accordance with His divine guidance and the prophetic teachings, then we are not held accountable for carrying the burden of the unseen harm that would befall us otherwise.

In His prescription of guidance, Allah protects us from potentially harming ourselves and others with our misguided logic, faulty perceptions, and self-made systems of dhulm (wrongdoing and oppression) via our manmade behavior codes, which we imagine are spreading peace and goodness in the world. By obligating humble submission instead of having perfect knowledge and understanding, Allah is protecting us from harming ourselves and others through the inevitable ignorance and arrogance that would afflict our hearts if we didn’t follow the divine guidance that prescribes this submission.

The mercy of Islam is that Allah removes the burden of unintentional catastrophic self-harm from our hands by revealing the truth behind the problems we see, as well as those we wish to solve in our own lives and the lives of others. In His merciful system of submission, Al-‘Aleem, Al-Hakeem (The All-Knowing, The All-Wise), reveals to us what specific life paths and behavior are harmful in themselves (like shirk and kufr), which ones have more harm than benefit (such as alcohol and gambling) and which ones are blessed and permissible (like any halaal marriage), despite the fact that the human being will always be imperfect and sinful in living out anything in this world, including that which is blessed in itself.

However, despite having this divine gift, so many of us seek to reinterpret our Lord’s timeless guidance in ways that force Islam to submit to our view of the world, instead of striving to submit ourselves to Al-Hakeem’s flawless view of the world, which He Himself created and certainly knows best. In this, we genuinely imagine we’re doing good and rooting out corruption, instead of thwarting good and spreading worse corruption than what we see.

Corruption Is Found Wherever People Are

One of the things that I find both profound and heartbreaking is how humans routinely fail to understand this basic reality of life: Corruption is found wherever people are found, and the deepest corruption is rooted in the heart.

In this, it really doesn’t matter whether the corrupt person identifies as a democrat or a republican, a Christian or a Muslim, an atheist or agnostic, an American or an Arab, or LGBTQ or purist, or so on. If the person’s heart is corrupt, there is absolutely no label, identity, or religion that can keep that corruption from manifesting itself, and thereby harming oneself and others.

Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon) said in a famous hadith, “There is a piece of flesh in the body. And if it is good, the whole body is good. And if it is corrupt, the whole body is corrupt. And that is the heart” (Bukhari).

I don’t think we as believers fully appreciate the profound wisdom in these words, and how the testimony to the truth of them is all around us—and within ourselves. And I don’t think we fully appreciate how in these words is the answer to a lot of the confusion in the world, and to so many of the disagreements we have amongst ourselves.

The bottom line is that until we understand very deeply and sincerely the role of the heart in both personal and societal corruption, we will only address symptoms of problems, while continuously creating and re-creating new problems that need to be solved.

When sincerity is in the human heart, corruption is cleansed from the heart and from the lives of humans, at least as far as possible given our imperfect existence. However, it is the Creator and the Creator alone—not the human being—who has the ability to define sincerity and corruption and subsequently detect their existence in the human heart.

When “good people” begin to imagine that they can define sincerity or corruption, detect it in others’ lives, and then root out evil based on their own manmade behavior codes, then they begin spreading corruption in the world in a way that has far reaching consequences that they could never even fathom, hence their ultimate punishment in the Hereafter despite their assumption that they were doing good.

Given the weighty magnitude of this destructive behavior, it begs the question: How do we allow ourselves to go this far in destroying our own souls and the lives of others? And the answer is this: We continuously create manmade behavior codes based on our limited human perception of what we think is needed to root out bad behavior in the world.

Bad Behavior Doesn’t Prove Anything

It should be enough as a deterrent to creating our own rules, that humans see with their hearts more than their eyes. The fact of the matter is that our hearts tend to be most understanding and pardoning of those things that are intimately connected to our own lives, and harshest and most critical of those things that are intimately connected to the lives of others. This fact alone should help us understand that our conclusions about any “bad behavior” we see cannot be fully trusted (at least not without the assistance of our Creator for clarity).

The reality of this inevitable self-serving human failing is confirmed not only in divine teachings, but also in secular social-psychology research as well, particularly in the actor-observer bias phenomenon. In practical reality, actor-observer bias explains the human tendency to blame our own bad behavior on external factors that are effectively out of our control, while we blame others’ bad behavior on internal factors that represent something inherently wrong with them or their life choices.

In the article “Actor-Observer Bias In Social Psychology,” author and educational consultant, Kendra Cherry, explains how this bias becomes most obvious in cases where something negative is involved:

“The actor-observer bias tends to be more pronounced in situations where the outcomes are negative. For example, in a situation where a person experiences something negative, the individual will often blame the situation or circumstances. When something negative happens to another person, people will often blame the individual for their personal choices, behaviors, and actions” (verywellmind.com, September 23, 2019).

In inter-religious contexts, actor-observer bias explains how a person of one faith can fall into sin and then recall how tempting the circumstances were such that it was really difficult (or impossible) to avoid the sin. But when a person of another faith falls into that same exact sin, we will say it was because they’re following a false religion.

Similarly, when we wish to justify our own manmade codes of behavior that are designed to root out evil or “bad behavior” in the world, we will link the evil or bad behavior to something that we already dislike in someone or something. But when we ourselves fall into similar (or worse) bad behavior, we will link it to our uncontrollable personal circumstances, our inevitable human fault and imperfection, or even the existence of other “bad people” in the world.

Perhaps, there is nowhere that the destructiveness of this actor-observer bias is more obvious than in systems of racist oppression in the world.

Racism and the ‘God Complex’

Given that all humans fall into sin and wrongdoing due to the level of corruption in their hearts, it is incorrect to use bad behavior alone as proof of anything that will restrict the rights and personal freedoms of people in the world, especially if this restriction is in areas that God Himself has given humans free choice. Thus, it is crucial for the believing soul to stay out of matters that are God’s domain alone, such as defining morality and implementing behavior codes regarding what people should or should not do in their personal lives, even if we imagine we are rooting out wrongdoing with our new rules.

As imperfect humans, we can only address wrongdoing to the extent that our limited human perception allows us. This is why it is crucial to focus on rooting out specific behavior that is harmful instead of linking harm to specific groups of people. In this, we must strive our level best to remove any evil we see in our own lives and the lives of others; however, we must limit our removal of evil to the actual evil itself; we do not seek to remove evil by delving into the unseen or by creating more (and perhaps worse) evil—with our new definitions of morality and goodness, and our manmade “honor codes” aimed at restricting the safety and personal freedoms of people we dislike.

Racists who wish to restrict the lives of Black people justify their discrimination and oppression through pointing to the (alleged) bad behavior of Black people. In this, those who support systems of anti-Black racism do not focus on the concept of skin color so much as they focus on the (alleged) patterns of bad behavior done by Black people. In this, the racists argue that the consistent bad behavior and choices of Black people cause continuous harm to others, thus putting other families and the entire society at risk. Therefore, (so the argument goes) the world is better off without Black people, or with very few of them living outside a prison cell, because the good ones are so rare.

Had these racists kept their attention on patterns of bad behavior—which every group of humans fall into, including White people—they would not be creating a worse evil than the one they claim they are rooting out: a system of oppression targeted almost exclusively at a group of people they dislike.

When their evil is pointed out to them, many racists defend themselves by saying that they don’t care anything about someone’s skin color per se, only what people with that skin color consistently do. Then they cite examples of behavior that they feel is most prevalent amongst Black people: trying to live off of others unjustly, demanding what doesn’t belong to them (while they should just be content with what they have), and harming others with their covert and overt criminal behavior.

In this, they display a pathological God-complex through which they justify their systematic discrimination and oppression of Black people in the world.

Socially Accepted Discrimination By Muslims

It is interesting that the same line of thinking that anti-Black racists use to justify vilifying Black people, many Muslims use to justify vilifying believers that they themselves dislike, particularly men and women who practice polygyny. In this, the anti-polygyny Muslims use the “bad behavior” example as an excuse to root out or severely restrict the practice of polygyny in believers’ private lives. When they are reminded to fear Allah and focus on rooting out wrongdoing instead of changing the religion, they use the same argument that anti-Black racists use:

We don’t have a problem with polygyny itself. We only have a problem with what people in polygyny consistently do. And so few are living right! They get married and they can’t afford it (thus living off others unjustly). Men want more women when they’re already married (thus trying to get more women when they should just be satisfied with what they have). Then they hurt so many women and break up families with their un-Islamic (i.e. spiritually criminal) behavior.

When striving to remove systems of oppression and discrimination, such as anti-Black racism, our goal isn’t to prove that all Black people are sinless angels who are free from human imperfection and wrongdoing. Rather, the point is that Black people are full human beings who have just as much right to live freely on this earth as any another other group of people—despite their natural human flaws, occasional sinfulness, and imperfections. No amount of “bad behavior” (which, incidentally, all humans are guilty of), can justify denying Black people the right to live on this earth free from systemic discrimination, slander, and social and political harm—just as white people are privileged to do (even when they commit more horrendous crimes than those attributed to Black people).

Similarly, when we are striving to remove systems of discrimination that are targeted at believers who choose unpopular lifestyles like polygyny, no one is claiming that all people who live in polygyny are flawless angels who never fall into sin, mistakes, or wrongdoing. Rather, the point is that they are full human beings who have the right to live on this earth free from systemic discrimination, slander, and social and political harm—just as monogamous families are privileged to do (even when they commit much worse wrongdoing than what is attributed to people in plural marriages).

To fixate on the “bad behavior” of people in polygyny while ignoring similar and worse “bad behavior” of people in monogamy, is little different from fixating on the “bad behavior” of Black people while ignoring similar and worse “bad behavior” of White people—and then using this self-serving view of the world to justify restricting and harming the lives of people we dislike.

Dear ‘Good People,’ You’re Corrupt Too

Whenever the human heart is corrupt, then it is inevitable that bad behavior will result. And given that corruption exists wherever humans exist, there really is no way to remove bad behavior from the earth completely. The most we can do is reduce it as far as possible. Even the best of people can have traces of corruption in their hearts, hence the need for even the sincerest of believers to constantly repent from sin.

In a famous hadith, Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “All of the children of Adam sin. But the best of those who sin are those who constantly repent” (At-Tirmidhi and Ibn Majah).

He also said: “When a slave commits a sin, a black spot appears on his heart. But if he gives it up, seeks forgiveness and repents, his heart will be cleansed, but if he repeats it, [the blackness] will increase until it overwhelms his heart. This is the Raan which Allah mentions: ‘Nay! But on their hearts is the Raan (covering of sins and evil deeds) which they used to earn’ [Al-Mutaffifeen, 83:14]” (Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 3257; Ibn Maajah, 4234; classed as hasan by al-Albaani in Saheeh Ibn Maajah, 3422).

Therefore, whenever we think we see patterns of bad behavior in any group of people, it is safest and wisest to limit our advice to solutions that inspire the person to self-reflect and self-correct—instead of solutions that at best unjustly restrict their personal freedoms, and at worst cause us ourselves to fall into sin (or even kufr), by replacing God’s behavior codes with our own. It is sufficient for us to focus on striving to create cultures of repentance and self-correction instead of cultures of behavior control and discrimination.

This soul-centered focus allows us all to honestly reflect on our own lives and souls while striving to better ourselves daily—no matter how good we imagine ourselves to already be. This focus also serves as a reminder that no group of humans has a monopoly on goodness or corruption. Therefore, it is necessary for all of us to be beneficial reminders to each other, no matter what our individual struggles and wrongdoing may be at the moment.

In seeking to help each other navigate our human flaws and avoid wrongdoing, our success lies in submitting to God’s prescription of human behavior, instead of relying on our biased minds and hearts. This is because our human bias will inevitably inspire us to implement self-centered and self-serving behavior codes that naturally favor our own lifestyles and choices, while forbidding or severely restricting the lifestyles and choices of people we dislike.

It is indeed a part of our Creator’s infinite mercy that He has revealed to us timeless guidance that protects us from the unseen outcomes of our own biased perceptions and “blind hearts.” It is this bias and spiritual blindness that leads us to champion behavior codes that we imagine are rooting out bad behavior, but are in actuality merely causing even the best of us to harm innocent people, codify mistreatment, and destroy human lives—thus bringing ruin upon our own souls, no matter how “good” or well-intentioned we imagine ourselves to be.

The truth is that if we are indeed good people, then we would place our trust in our Creator’s guidance over our own, and then rest assured that all the blessings we are seeking through our own ideas of removing corruption from the earth will come to us through His divine help.

Our Lord tells us: “If Allah helps you, none can overcome you; and if He forsakes you, who is there after Him that can help you? And in Allah (Alone) let believers put their trust” (Ali ’Imraan, 3:160).

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Umm Zakiyyah is the internationally acclaimed author of twenty books, including the If I Should Speak trilogy, Muslim Girl , and His Other Wife . In 2019, she launched UZ Soul Gear , a passion project fueled by her love of both art and inspirational reflections. UZSoulGear.com offers apparel, wall décor, and more, aimed at supporting and inspiring the soul-centered lifestyle.

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The post How ‘Good People’ End Up Destroying Lives and Souls appeared first on Umm Zakiyyah.

You Own No Heart or Life, But Your Own

“And all those worldly comforts and human relationships you thought you couldn’t live without? They were just temporary companions on your life journey.”

—from the journal of Umm Zakiyyah

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You cannot control another human being, and you cannot own another human being. And you have no ultimate responsibility or burden for any life or soul other than your own. Understanding this from the depths of my heart has been one of the most freeing epiphanies in my adult life.

Yes, it’s something that I’ve always known logically, as it’s something that both my faith and common sense teach. But the problem is, we are raised in cultures of entitlement and ungratefulness, such that we reach adulthood genuinely believing that it is someone else’s responsibility to make us happy, to fix our personal problems, and even to never make any decision that we dislike or disagree with, no matter how beneficial or necessary they deem it to be for themselves or others.

In this way, we are taught to believe that the world should revolve around our fleeting emotions, unhealed wounds and traumas, and our personal insecurities. So many problems in families, whether between parents and children or husbands and wives, could be better addressed if we understood this humbling fact—from the depths of our hearts and souls: You cannot control another human being, and you cannot own another human being. And you have no ultimate responsibility or burden for any life or soul other than your own.

Respecting the right of children to their own lives and souls is something that so many parents have yet to understand or even attempt to. Respecting the right of women to their own lives and souls is something that so many husbands have yet to understand or even attempt to. And respecting the right of men to their own lives and souls is something that many wives have yet to understand or even attempt to.

Why? Because our troubled hearts make us so fixated on what we deem to be our rights and needs that we forget that the one we are demanding to fulfill these on our behalf has his or her own rights and needs, separate from our own.

And oh the misery, broken hearts, and traumatized spirits that befall us as a result!

Do You Want One Level of Healing, or Three?

No, not a single one of us can escape pain, heartbreak, and trauma in life. But we can certainly reduce the depths of them by understanding that excepting cases of clear abuse, wrongdoing or oppression; most pain, heartbreak, and trauma are just inevitable facts of life—with no victims or wrongdoers involved. It just is what it is.

Those who don’t understand this sobering fact have three levels of healing to do instead of one: The first level is from the emotional wounding itself. The second level is from the “wrongdoing” someone inflicted on us due to not living up to our expectations of who or what they “should have” been to us. And the third level is from waking up and realizing that we wounded ourselves and other innocent souls in our unnecessary victimhood (in level two).

However, those who accept the natural pain and trauma inherent in the reality of life and human relationships have only one level of healing: the emotional healing of self (the first level above). And this journey of addressing emotional wounding itself can last a lifetime. Just imagine how much time it would take and how much unnecessary agony we would endure if we added the two other levels on top of that.

Given the level of pain involved in embracing self-honesty and emotional maturity in life, it is no wonder that so many of us choose entitlement and ungratefulness instead of self-accountability and self-healing. That way—if we can pull this off for a lifetime—we have absolutely no healing to do, no apologies to make, or no relationships to rectify, as all our pain and suffering is someone else’s fault; be it our parents or children, our husbands or wives, or even God Himself.

But to the hurting soul in self-denial, it is never us. Never, ever us. Never our own souls. Because we have made ourselves the perpetual victims of the wrongdoings of others, who were supposed to always make us happy, take away our pain, and always be there for us.

But oh, the emotional freedom and happiness that is born from realizing that our soul-care is no one’s responsibility but our own. Yes, friends, families, and loved ones are certainly crucial in our life journey of self-betterment and self-care, but they do not represent the betterment of self, itself.

Everything and Everyone Belong To Allah

Another essential part of self-honesty and emotional maturity is realizing this: All wealth and status belong to Allah, and all human souls belong to Him. There is no wealth or worldly comfort that is our divine right, and there is no human soul that is ours to possess and control, even if it is the soul of our husband or wife.

Moreover, if Allah chooses to test you with something, you’re going to be tested with that. Whether it’s a difficult marriage, an unexpected divorce, loss of wealth, or even spiritual trials; if it’s written for you, it will be part of your life path—no matter how many “precautions” you take, whom you trust for “expert” or spiritual advice, or even how much you pray Istikhaarah before making the decision.

This is because trials are a part of life, and no one can escape them.

Nevertheless, we still turn to Allah in du’aa and Istikhaarah so that our hearts can rest assured that whatever trial is befalling us is ultimately good for our life and soul, no matter how painful and confusing things are right now.

In reminding myself of this, I wrote this note in my personal journal:

Istikhaarah is not our ticket to “happily ever after” in every circumstance that Allah shows is best for us. This life is only a path to eternal happiness. It is not eternal happiness itself. So when you pray Istikhaarah and then something falls apart down the road, don’t look back and wonder if you misunderstood the signs from Allah. You didn’t.

But you might be misunderstanding the meaning of Allah decreeing what is best for you. The closest we’ll ever get to everlasting happiness in this world is in the relationship we establish with our Creator. And if any trial brings us closer to Allah, it was best for us, even if it’s the most painful thing we’ll ever experience in this world.

But Is It a Test or a Punishment?

Sometimes it’s difficult to accept that our suffering is simply an inevitable trial of life because we’re wondering if our painful experiences are in reality a punishment from God for our faults and sins.

In the Qur’an, our Creator says what has been translated to mean, “Whatever misfortune happens to you, is because of the things your hands have earned, and for many [of them] He pardons” (Ash-Shooraa, 42:30).

Furthermore, in a famous hadith, Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him said), “All of the children of Adam sin, and the best of those who sin are those who constantly repent” (Sunan al-Tirmidhī, 2499, Sahih by Al-Suyuti).

As for the pain we suffer in life, whether physical or emotional, the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) also said, “No fatigue, nor disease, nor sorrow, nor sadness, nor hurt, nor distress befalls a Muslim, even if it were the prick he receives from a thorn, except that Allah expiates some of his sins through that” (Sahih al-Bukhari, 5641, 5642).

Given this reality, when we are suffering a trial, we might still ask ourselves, “How do I know if it’s a test or a punishment?” This is a question I myself wondered for years. And every chance I got, I asked an Islamic teacher about it, or read whatever I could on the issue. Till today, this is the answer that resonates with me most: You don’t.

In any case, we can seek goodness and benefit from the experience by repenting to Allah and begging His forgiveness (whether for the sins we know we’ve committed, or for those we don’t know about or cannot recall). We can also strive to have beautiful patience through the trial and ask Allah to write us down amongst His sincere believers, even as we beg Him to lift the trial from us. In this way, bi’idhnillaah, we can embody the meaning of the prophetic words: “Amazing is the affair of the believer. Verily, every affair of his is good, and this is for no one except the believer. If something of good [or happiness] befalls him, he is grateful, and that is good for him. If something of harm befalls him, he is patient, and that is good for him” (Sahih Muslim, 2999).

If we are in the habit of constantly seeking forgiveness, even if we are indeed experiencing a punishment, we will be responding by repenting and changing our lives for the better. In this way, the circumstance ultimately brings good to us, if we are sincere and steadfast in making the necessary changes in our personal and spiritual lives.

In the end, only Allah knows why He puts believers through certain trials. Also, a test and a punishment are not mutually exclusive. Both could be happening at once.

All of life is a test for the human being, so everything we experience is meant to direct us back to our purpose: worshipping and serving our Creator. Therefore, whether we are experiencing ease or hardship, enjoying the worldly fruit of honest hard work, or suffering the bitter consequences of arrogantly disobeying Allah; we have in each circumstance the opportunity to seek Allah’s pleasure, beg His forgiveness, and attain Paradise when we die.

And if the worldly trial—or punishment—is encouraging us to turn to Allah, repent, and improve our spiritual lives; what practical benefit do we gain from obsessing over whether or not Allah is angry with us?

Unless we are arrogantly seeking to continue disobeying Allah and need a serious reality check, fixating on this question can become a distraction from spiritual growth itself. No matter what is or is not happening in our life (and why), we should be worshipping Allah and seeking His guidance and forgiveness anyway.

And would—or should—knowing whether you are facing a trial or a punishment change this noble focus for you?

Wealth and Happiness Are Also Trials

Prosperity, happiness, and social acceptance so often act as blinders to the soul. Most people are not propelled toward gratefulness, humility, and generosity through them; but rather entitlement, arrogance, and the obsessive need to protect their privilege at all costs, even if it means that innocent people suffer.

This is something I wrote in my journal as a reminder to myself to be careful for the sake of my soul. I share this reflection here because it is most often only during times of pain and hardship that we ask ourselves, “Is this is a test or a punishment?” However, the truth is that suffering pain is just one type of punishment.

Experiencing ease, wealth, and worldly happiness can also be a punishment, and a more severe one at that. This is specifically the case when someone has become so arrogant in their sin or disbelief that Allah leaves them on this path of error and self-deception while they are enjoying lots of wealth and children or other means of “happiness” in this world. In this state, they think that Allah is hastening all these wonderful good things for them in their lives, but they are merely piling up on sins until they meet Him. Yet they have no perception of this happening to them.

Allah says what has been translated to mean, “So leave them in their error for a time. Do they think that We enlarge them in wealth and children, We hasten unto them with good things? Nay, but they perceive not” (Al-Mu’minoon, 23:54-56).

In protecting ourselves from this error and self-delusion, we need to remember that wealth, children, happy marriages, and any other enjoyments of this world are merely trials from Allah to test us to see if our behavior will be a testimony for us or against us. These enjoyments are not necessarily any proof that we are good people and are being rewarded for our goodness in this world.

Allah says, “Wealth and children are the adornment of the life of this world. But the good righteous deeds that last, are better with your Lord for rewards and better in respect of hope” (Al-Kahf, 18:46). He also says, “You shall certainly be tried and tested in your wealth and properties and within your personal selves…” (Ali ‘Imraan, 3:186).

While being tried and tested with our wealth and blessings can certainly mean losing them at times, it can also mean enjoying them greatly. This “trial of enjoyment” is given to us in order to expose what is happening in our hearts (as manifested in our spiritual lives) as a result of being showered with so many blessings. In seeking to remind myself of this, I wrote this personal note in my journal: It doesn’t matter how little or how much you have. In the end, all that will matter is what you did with it—and what you allowed it to do to your heart. …Hence the part of the above ayah from Qur’an that says our trials include being tried and tested “…within your personal selves…” (3:186).

What Is Your Trial Exposing in Your Heart?

Some of us go through severe trials—or a trial of extreme happiness—and it inspires in us humility and servitude. So we call out to our Creator in sincerity, begging for His forgiveness and mercy. Others go through severe trials—or a trial of extreme happiness—and it incites in them arrogance and entitlement. So they turn away from their Lord in bitterness and frustration, angry that He’s withholding what they feel they “deserve.” Or they turn away in negligence because their ease and happiness is distracting them from worshipping Allah.

Meanwhile, many of these “successful people” arrogantly share with the world their tools for success, thereby taking credit for what God has decreed, while imagining it’s all because of their own inherent goodness and hard work. In this, they have no idea that their lack of shukr (sincere gratitude as manifested in humbly worshipping and thanking Allah) is merely a means of exposing to the world and their Book of Deeds a deep spiritual sickness in their hearts.

This is something that we all need to be careful of, even if we imagine ourselves to be “good Muslims.” As a reminder to myself regarding this, I wrote this note in my personal journal:

As I meet more and more people who take credit for God’s work in their lives and claim it to be their own—saying their positive mindset and hard work alone “channeled the energy of the Universe” in their favor—I’m growing to appreciate the wisdom in the simple utterance, “Alhamdulillaah” (i.e. “All praise and thanks belong to God”) and in the simple act of sajdatu-shukr (prostration for gratefulness), wherein we place our heads humbly on the ground and glorify our Creator after something good has happened in our lives.

In moving our tongue in remembrance of our Creator after every decree (good and bad), we are reminded where both the power and praise always belong. And in placing our heads humbly on the ground after receiving good news, we are reminded where we ourselves always belong—in humble remembrance that our highest honor is found in embracing our humility before God, not in claiming our greatness before His creation.

Yes, the ground where you place your head might have “greener grass” than someone else’s. But don’t assume it’s because you put in all the necessary work while they didn’t. Your grass is not greener only because you watered it. It’s greener because God planted it, thus giving you something to water in the first place. Then He granted you the knowledge and tools you needed to make that grass grow—which is more a testimony to His greatness than your work.

We wouldn’t have even a patch of dirt to stand on—let alone grass growing from it—if it weren’t for God saying “Be” and granting it to us.

So before you share how much you watered your grass and someone else didn’t, take a moment to praise and acknowledge the One who can strip it all from you in the blink of an eye, like He did with the arrogant man who owned the beautiful gardens in Surah Al-Kahf (18:32-43).

And be careful, lest in boldly declaring your “tools to success”—whether in amassing wealth or knowledge, or in having a lasting marriage or strong family ties—you become like those whom our Creator warns us about in the Qur’an: “Think not that those who exult in what they have brought about, and love to be praised for what they have not done—never think them [to be] safe from punishment [of Allah]…” (Ali ’Imraan, 3:188).

And we seek protection, guidance, and forgiveness wherever we have forgotten our Creator, or ourselves.

Like Wealth, Marriage Is a Trial That Exposes the Heart

Just as we should be careful of taking credit for God’s blessings in attaining wealth and worldly success, we should also be careful of taking credit for God’s blessings in having a good or lasting marriage. And just as those who forget Allah after they have attained wealth and status have no problem arrogantly sharing their “tools for success” sans shukr and humility, many of us who have been granted happy or lasting marriages think this blessing was due to our own work more than God’s. For this reason, I advise myself and others:

Choose your advisors carefully, especially when it comes to important decisions like marriage.

In general there are two categories of people who offer advice on marriage: those who trust Allah, and those who trust themselves.

Advisors who trust Allah will always encourage you to consult your Lord before making any decision, and they will openly acknowledge that only you, with the help of Allah, can ultimately determine what is best for you. Yes, they will also let you know the pros and cons of certain life choices so that you can, bi’idhnillaah, make an informed, wise decision that is best for your life and soul. But they will never seek to define marital happiness for you.

Those who trust themselves will list for you a million don’ts, many of which fall in the category of what is permissible and beloved to Allah. And their advice is almost always rooted in their own arrogance or insecurities. They will tell you not to marry into a certain race, color or income bracket, and they’ll have a million opinions against “settling” for someone who’s divorced, in polygyny, or has children. …And the list goes on and on.

Because their arrogance and insecurities go on and on.

Yes, we all have insecurities and must battle kibr (unhealthy pride) in our hearts. However, unless you’re seeking to have someone else’s insecurities added your own, then choose the advisor who trusts Allah. It will encourage you to do the same.

As for those who take credit for not only their success in marriage itself, but the success of their husband or wife, I offer this reminder:

No matter how much love and sacrifice you put into a marriage, you didn’t make your husband or wife into the “great person” they are today. God did.

If God in His infinite Mercy chose to use you for this noble purpose (and He certainly doesn’t need your help in honoring His servants), then take a moment and thank and praise HIM for allowing you to be a tool in bestowing goodness in this world.

But no matter how much goodness He used you for in shaping who your husband or wife is today, they have no obligation to remain married to you—or to only you—as a result. At the end of the day, every man and woman is responsible for nurturing their own life and soul. And other than good treatment and not violating the boundaries set by God in their treatment of you, they owe you nothing as a result of the good that God did for them through you.

Lastly, know this and know it well: Hurt feelings and personal frustrations are natural parts of life, so we have to learn to deal with them humbly and maturely when they’re decreed for us (as they inevitably will be). On the other hand, abuse and wrongdoing are completely different, as they are personal decisions that clearly violate your safety or right, even though they too can incite hurt and frustration, but in a way that’s much more damaging than natural hurt and frustration. Learn the difference.

Just because your husband or wife has made a decision that hurt your feelings, frustrated you, or doesn’t include you in a way you feel they should, doesn’t mean they abused or wronged you. Just like you have the right to make personal decisions that preserve your emotional and spiritual health—even if it offends your parents, friends, and loved ones—so it is with the person you’re married to.

Yes, we should be kind and considerate. But that goes both ways, in making a decision that affects our loved one’s life—and in responding to a decision they made that we disagree with.

If you happen to be in a situation in which you genuinely believe your emotional and intimate needs are not being met, you have the full right to either marital counseling or divorce. But don’t assume that just because your needs (and demands) are not being met that your husband or wife is abusing or wronging you. Sometimes you’re just no longer compatible or healthy for each other. It is what it is. That’s life.

Yes, it will hurt like hell when you have to walk away. And yes, you have every right to heal those emotional wounds and engage in self-care. But understand that this hurt and wounding isn’t necessarily anyone’s fault.

As I reflected some time ago: Being hurt is not the same as being wronged. Being wronged is not the same as being abused. And yes, you can suffer emotional trauma without being the victim of any crime—or even of wrongdoing or abuse. Life is complex, as is pain and suffering. And every agony doesn’t have behind it a person to blame. Someone can be the trigger of your pain, but not the cause of it. Part of emotional maturity and personal growth, as well as fully healing, is understanding these basic truths of adult life.

What If I My Test Is ‘Bad Marriage’ and Divorce?

One of the harmful side effects of being part of a culture that praises humans more than God, and that fixates on this world more than the Hereafter, is that we genuinely imagine that “successful people” have some foolproof formula to offer us that will automatically make our lives mirror theirs. This is completely false.

While we can certainly benefit from each other’s success stories and implement some important lessons in our lives, ultimately the result is not from our work as humans. It is from the qadar (divine decree) of God—Allah Himself. And no matter how closely we follow someone else’s advice, we have no ability to transfer the qadar of their life to our own.

As I mentioned earlier: If Allah chooses to test you with something, you’re going to be tested with that. Whether it’s a difficult marriage, an unexpected divorce, loss of wealth, or even spiritual trials; if it’s written for you, it will be part of your life path—no matter how many “precautions” you take, whom you trust for “expert” or spiritual advice, or even how much you pray Istikhaarah before making the decision…

Therefore, if your trial with marriage has been the opposite of that of “successful people,” this is not necessarily because you’re being punished or doing everything wrong. As discussed earlier, happiness and success itself can be a punishment for some people, and painful trials can be a blessed purification for others.

Yes, those who have lasting, successful marriages can share with you some beneficial lessons, but you must realize that they didn’t decree their happiness and success. God did. Likewise, you didn’t decree your struggles with “bad marriage” or divorce. God did.

You can do absolutely everything “right” according the guidelines of both God and the people and still suffer a “bad marriage” or divorce. Similarly, you can make a zillion mistakes and fall into a zillion sins before getting married and still be granted a “happy, lasting marriage.” Why? Because in the end, the result is from God, not you.

In this, we must remember this life is not Paradise—where we’ll enjoy all the benefits of all the good we’ve done—and we shouldn’t imagine it is. Therefore, if your trials with “bad marriage” or divorce came upon you after you sincerely tried to do everything right in front of Allah (irrespective of some inevitable faults and shortcomings along the way), remember this:

Whether you are married or divorced—or even married or divorced multiple times—never feel bad about your sincere efforts to fear Allah. People will have a zillion things to say about your “bad choices” in life. These people may be family or friends, or even imams or marriage experts. Yet not a single one of them has the slightest idea what’s written next to your name in the Preserved Tablet in front of Allah. Remember that. They don’t even have the slightest idea what’s written next to their own name. So be careful before you rush to listen to their “advice.”

Yes, as is the case with all humans offering advice, we should take what is beneficial and leave what is not. But we should never treat the words of humans like they are the words of Allah.

For surely, those advisors who speak so confidently about what you should or should not do are only flawed, sinful children of Adam just like you. Never forget that, no matter how lofty their spiritual or worldly titles.

So as you strive each day to be a better person, remember this, and remember it well: It is never wrong to strive to fear Allah and save yourself from the Hellfire. It doesn’t matter how short or long your marriage lasts. It doesn’t matter how short or long your engagement is before marriage. And it doesn’t matter how much—or little—time you wait to remarry after divorce. If you haven’t transgressed the bounds of Allah, then you’ve done nothing wrong, no matter what people say.

Yes, we should all self-reflect on our personal choices and sincerely reflect on what’s most beneficial so that we can do it, and on what’s most harmful so that we can stay away from it. But more than anything, marriage is an issue of the ghayb, the unseen, a reality that is between only you and Allah. And there isn’t a single child of Adam, whether imam or marriage counselor, who can speak confidently about your ghayb, without transgressing the bounds of Allah themselves.

So continue to fear Allah in your choices, no matter what people say for or against them.

Just pray Istikhaarah before you take a single step, and trust that Allah is with you every step of the way, even when that step feels like it took you in the wrong direction. But know, there is no “wrong direction” when you are being guided by Allah.

My Prayer for You and Us All

O Allah, we ask You to soften our hearts and place in them compassion and empathy for all of Your creation—especially for Your believing servants who are struggling in ways that we cannot understand or comprehend, and who are battling trials that we have not been tested with!

And O Al-Muhaymin (Granter of Security), Al-Ghaffaar (Ever Forgiving)! We beg You to protect us from the evil within ourselves, and forgive us our sins and faults, both hidden and open, and of what we know and what we don’t know!

And O Al-Wahhaab (Bestower of Goodness), Al-Haadee (The One Who Guides)! Remove from our hearts the stains of arrogance, self-praise, and kibr (looking down on others and rejecting the truth)! And O Allah, Al-Kareem (The Most Generous)! We beg You to make every trial You place in our lives, whether in ease or hardship, cause us to draw closer to You in humility, gratitude, and tawakkul (sincere trust in Your plan, guidance, and decree) until we meet You!

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Umm Zakiyyah is the internationally acclaimed author of twenty books, including the If I Should Speak trilogy, Muslim Girl , and His Other Wife . In 2019, she launched UZ Soul Gear , a passion project fueled by her love of both art and inspirational reflections. UZSoulGear.com offers apparel, wall décor, and more, aimed at supporting and inspiring the soul-centered lifestyle.

Want to find or improve your writing voice? Join UZ University to learn how, so you too can share inspirational stories with the world: UZuniversity.com

Subscribe to Umm Zakiyyah’s YouTube channel , follow her on Instagram or Twitter , and join her Facebook page.

Copyright © 2019 by Al-Walaa Publications. All Rights Reserved.

The post You Own No Heart or Life, But Your Own appeared first on Umm Zakiyyah.

The Other Side of Hurt: It’s Not About You

No one should have to apologize for taking care of themselves.

This is something that took me a long time to realize and embrace in my life, and I’m still striving to do better at avoiding saying “I’m sorry” for taking care of myself during a time that people deem inconvenient for themselves, or when they feel my absence proves I don’t care about them. “No one is ever ‘too busy’ for what’s important to them!” they claim.

What cuts deep about this statement is that it often comes from the very people who had inflicted the emotional wounding that required my self-care in the first place, subhaanAllah.

But no matter the source of any wound or mental exhaustion, I consider “busying” myself with nourishing my emotional and spiritual health quite crucial. Today I realize that anyone who truly loves and cares for me would never ask me to sacrifice my emotional or spiritual health to “show up” for them.

True love is in empathy and giving space for others’ deepest needs, even if we don’t understand their healing process. It’s not in arbitrarily demanding our loved one’s time and presence, and then telling them they wronged us for needing time and space for themselves at all.

Healthy love is rooted in emotional maturity, which allows us to recognize when we or someone else is suffering the slow death of serving others to the detriment of themselves. This emotional maturity also allows us to realize that someone else’s self-care isn’t about us, even when they have to pull away from us (whether temporarily or permanently) to nourish their emotional, mental, and spiritual health.

Here are some lessons and reflections I learned during my own emotional healing journey. They are glimpses into my own heart’s path toward healthy love and emotional maturity, many of which I share in my books Pain, Faith, and Broken Yet Faithful:

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Glimpses Into a Healing, Hurting Heart

Suffering is not the same as sacrifice. Know yourself. Know your limits. Draw the line.

• • •

Breaking.

You cannot give of a self that does not exist. Thus, self-care and self-preservation must be essential to your life if you wish to truly give of yourself to others. You cannot give charity from wealth that does not encompass your possessions, and you cannot give from a spirit that does not encompass your being. So invest in your emotional, physical, and spiritual wealth. You can only spend from what you have.

• • •

I wish we would stop turning the word “busy” into a bad word—unless we are speaking of being “too busy” to worship Allah. And I wish we would stop teaching people that goodness and kindness rest in their constant availability in doing things for others.

Whenever we claim that we are never too busy for others, we are not being honest with ourselves.

Allah is the only One with the ability to be always available when others want or need Him.

In fact, He is the only One for whom this quality is a good thing. And we are not Allah.

• • •

If someone who usually checks on you suddenly stops, if someone who usually calls no longer reaches out, and if someone who usually responds to every invitation no longer does; do not take offense and grumble about their insensitivity. Reflect on your own. Perhaps, it is they who need you now.

• • •

“It’s their loss,” we often tell ourselves when someone turns us down for something we think we deserve. But what makes us so sure? Perhaps, it’s actually their gain—and yours too. Everything that doesn’t include us isn’t a loss. And even if it were, it’s quite possible that the loss is ours.

• • •

“If you truly cared, you would’ve never left!” or “A good friend will always be there, no matter what,” we say. But is it true? These claims might make us feel self-righteous when loved ones walk away, but in truth, they’re self-serving and dishonest. It’s possible that the person left simply because they prioritized their physical, emotional, and spiritual health over our company—no matter how much they loved and cared for us.

We hear a lot about toxic relationships and the importance of letting go, but it’s rare that we turn that logic around and take an honest look at ourselves: Yes, it’s possible that you are toxic to someone you love.

…So if they truly care, they’ll never leave? No, this couldn’t be further from the truth. Rather, if they truly care—for their soul—they’ll do all they can to protect it, even if it means walking away from someone they love and care for more than life itself.

• • •

There is such a thing as simply having hurt feelings and nothing more. We don’t have to turn every pain or frustration into someone else’s fault.

• • •

Self-accountability is a part of self-care. While we need to recognize toxic and abusive relationships in our lives so that we can remove ourselves from them, we also need to recognize when we are suffering from hurt feelings or emotional triggers and nothing more.

Just as you have the right to walk away from anything and anyone that you feel isn’t good for you, others have the same right in walking away from you.

And just like you don’t always have the ability to make someone understand why you needed to let them go, others don’t always have the ability to make you understand why they needed to let you go.

So be careful before you paint yourself a victim when you are merely on the opposite side of the very right you say you have in cutting others out of your life.

• • •

“Anything that’s important enough, you make time for!” we say. “No one’s too busy!” But this isn’t necessarily true. Anything that’s important to you, you’ll want to make time for even though sometimes you’re not able to, no matter how much the sacrifice hurts.

So if you have a friend or loved one who values you and their Lord enough to recognize the existence of an unseen reality they might not be aware of, treasure them. For most people, if you do anything different from what they want or demand of you, they accuse you of selfishness and not valuing them. Yet every struggle a person faces in life, whether due to health or personal reasons, isn’t something they want to talk about, even to friends and loved ones.

• • •

Relationships—whether through friendship, marriage, or ties of the womb—are not our personal playgrounds where we constantly “test” our loved ones to see how committed they are. Life brings those tests naturally, so there is no need to create adversity. Statements like “I build walls to see who loves me enough to climb over them” might sound good on paper, but in real life, this approach isn’t necessarily sensible or beneficial.

Yes, we all need loved ones to “climb over walls” at times to reach out to us and show love, but this shouldn’t be because we consciously shut them out to “test” the relationship. Any walls we build (or those built through the natural tests in life) should be because we genuinely need “alone time” for personal healing and spiritual growth. Authentic walls are about our own self-love and healing, not about someone else’s responsibility to climb over them or knock them down.

Our loved ones have their own painful tests in life, and it just might be that the one you imagine should be climbing over your wall needs you to climb over your own so that you can reach out to them and offer a hand during their difficult time.

• • •

A toxic relationship does not necessarily involve toxic people—just as there are chemicals that are harmless in themselves and become deadly only when mixed with something else.

• • •

Suffering does not move in only one direction. The one from whom you’ve suffered harm may have also suffered harm from you. So be careful before you label yourself a victim and someone else a wrongdoer. It is possible that you are both victims and wrongdoers.

• • •

Being honest with yourself about the source of your pain and blaming someone for your pain are two entirely different things.

• • •

Being hurt is not the same as being wronged. Being wronged is not the same as being abused. And yes, you can suffer emotional trauma without being the victim of any crime—or even of wrongdoing or abuse. Life is complex, as is pain and suffering. And every agony doesn’t have behind it a person to blame. Someone can be the trigger of your pain, but not the cause of it. Part of emotional maturity and personal growth, as well as fully healing, is understanding these basic truths of adult life.

• • •

I reserve that right to get up and walk away from anything and anyone who seeks to disrupt or dismantle my personal boundaries of self-protection of the heart, mind and soul.

In other words, protect the health of your heart and soul as if your very life and spiritual salvation depend on it.

Because they do.

• • •

It hurts when you’re the one who’s turned away. But I’ve learned to fight feelings of annoyance and indignant defensiveness when someone decides they no longer want to be in my company. It’s an inevitable life experience, to be on the other side of hurt. And it doesn’t necessarily mean someone has wronged you—or that you’ve done anything wrong.

I’ve certainly made the difficult decision to let go of coveted friendships myself from time to time. So why should it surprise me that others have been burdened with this decision themselves?

When I feel the natural hurt from such a separation, I try to resist the messages of narcissism that this society teaches us…

“Anyone who doesn’t want to be around me, I don’t want to be around them!”

“If they were true friends, they would never leave you!”

“It’s their loss!”

While I certainly believe there is occasion to not wish to be around someone who doesn’t wish to be around me, I also believe there is occasion to genuinely value and benefit from someone’s company who doesn’t feel the same about you.

Thus, when I’m the one left behind—as nearly every child of Adam is at times—I try to embrace the healthier, more honest response of humility and self-reflection.

I just don’t see the benefit of making matters worse.

I’ve already lost a friend. Must I lose myself too?

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Umm Zakiyyah is the internationally acclaimed author of twenty books, including the If I Should Speak trilogy, Muslim Girl , and His Other Wife . In 2019, she launched UZ Soul Gear , a passion project fueled by her love of both art and inspirational reflections. UZSoulGear.com offers apparel, wall décor, and more, aimed at supporting and inspiring the soul-centered lifestyle.

Want to find or improve your writing voice? Join UZ University to learn how, so you too can share inspirational stories with the world: UZuniversity.com

Subscribe to Umm Zakiyyah’s YouTube channel , follow her on Instagram or Twitter , and join her Facebook page.

Copyright © 2019 by Al-Walaa Publications. All Rights Reserved.

The post The Other Side of Hurt: It’s Not About You appeared first on Umm Zakiyyah.

Shukr, Teaching Your Hurting Heart Gratefulness

O Allah! I have wronged my soul, so forgive me.

I have forgotten myself, so pardon me.

I have become frustrated and distressed, so have mercy on me.

O Allah! I deserve nothing of Your goodness, yet You shower it upon me.

I have doubted You in times of darkness, yet You gifted me with light. 

I have stood before You with a heart that is dead, yet You bestowed upon me emaan—the gift of life.

I sought distractions in abandoning Your remembrance, yet You taught me Your Book.

I have so often preferred death over life, yet You, over and over, gifted me with another day to better my life.

—from the journal of Umm Zakiyyah

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The more I live, the more I’ve come to appreciate the trials that have brought me pain and difficulty, and even betrayal and abandonment by those I loved and trusted. It certainly isn’t an experience I’d want to relive or repeat, or that I’d wish on anyone. But there is something healing and purifying in suffering in solitude. It gives you insight into the world around you and within you that you could never have gained otherwise.

Prosperity, happiness, and social acceptance so often act as blinders to the soul. Most of us are not propelled toward gratefulness, humility, and generosity through them; but rather entitlement, arrogance, and the obsessive need to protect our privilege at all costs, even if it means that innocent people suffer.

And no, I’m not speaking of political movements or legal environments. I’m speaking of personal spaces and environments cultivated by those who profess faith in God and the Hereafter.

It seems that for so many of us, social, financial, and marital privilege does not make us more content with our circumstances and grateful to our Creator. It makes us more anxious and paranoid, as we are constantly on guard against anyone who we imagine threatens our status or privilege—even if that person has no meaningful connection to our life in any way.

This restless discontent leads so many of us to work tirelessly against what our Lord is most pleased with, as our anxious imaginations cause us to distort reality in a self-destructive way. Thus, our husbands and wives become our enemies for the very reason that we want to keep them close. In our paranoia about losing them, we watch them closely and distrust their every word and decision, lest they betray us or abandon us some day.

In this mental space, other people’s private decisions in their own lives and marriages somehow threaten our own. And then, most tragically, God Himself becomes a threat to our discontented souls, as we frantically try to reinterpret even His Words and decisions such that our social and marital statuses become superior to others—or the only ones that are allowed.

If we are tested with the additional blessing of social influence, we use the public platforms that God has given us to share with the world our broken souls—through calling others to our manmade codes of behavior that our emotional wounds have made us imagine will bring about some greater good. However, we call our brokenness “wisdom” and “spiritual insight” as we warn others of phantom threats to their worldly statuses and marital privileges, and as we teach them our self-serving interpretations of God’s Words.

So yes, I’m grateful for the painful and lonely paths that I’ve treaded in life. Or at least I’m striving to be. Because I genuinely don’t know how it feels to imagine that the world literally revolves around me and my personal privilege. I genuinely don’t know how it feels to open the Book of Allah and actually imagine that it was revealed for the sole purpose of praising my personal choices—and denying that others have a right to theirs.

And I genuinely don’t know how it feels to actually imagine that God is here to serve me, grant my demands, and support my ideas of how life should be—and not the other way around.

Regret and Healing

I didn’t always have a healthy perspective on life. It took several painful trials and spiritual struggles before my heart submitted to what it should have submitted to all along: that Allah’s behavior codes and decisions are always superior to our own, even when we have no idea the benefit or wisdom behind them.

To be honest, I’m still striving to teach this spiritual lesson to my heart. Even today, sometimes my heart is at peace after Allah has decreed a painful trial in my life, and sometimes it is restless and confused. But alhamdulillah, Allah has blessed me to get past the spiritual wounding that once incited all sorts of opinions about other people’s lives, even when they were doing nothing haraam (divinely forbidden). For me, learning that it is kufr (disbelief) to hate anything that Allah revealed or to seek to change the halaal (divinely permissible) into haraam, or the haraam into the halaal, has quieted a lot of the restlessness of my heart and tongue.

However, I still struggle mightily with the trials of being part of an ummah (faith community) that puts humans’ behavior codes before Allah’s, especially when these manmade codes are taught by those with the title imam, sheikh, or spiritual teacher. I know this trial is a part of Allah’s qadar (divine decree) for those living in the Last Days, but I still find it difficult for my heart to accept. So I pray for sabr (patience and perseverance) and shukr (sincere gratitude).

In this, I daily ask Allah to help me and forgive me for having so much difficulty dealing with this trial. For when the revelation of Qur’an first came to Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him), his beloved wife Khadijah (may Allah be pleased with her) reassured him by saying, “…You [patiently] endure hardships in the path of truthfulness” (Bukhari). So I understand that having sabrun-jameel (beautiful patience), as well as a lifestyle of shukr, is a basic characteristic of a heart endowed with true emaan (faith and spirituality).

In seeking to teach my heart beautiful patience and sincere gratitude—shukr in particular—I’ve found Allah’s prescriptions for attaining sabr and shukr the most helpful in calming my frustrations, removing my ungratefulness, and healing my spiritual wounding. In this blog, I share some of these prescriptions, as well as some personal lessons, I’ve learned on my spiritual healing journey.

Patience and Prayer

In the Qur’an, Allah tells us that the starting point of seeking help with anything that we are struggling with is maintaining patience and establishing the prayer. He says what has been translated to mean, “And seek help in Sabr and the Salaah, and truly it is extremely heavy and hard except for Al-Khaashi’oon (those who are sincerely and humbly submissive)” (Al-Baqarah, 2:45).

If we are seeking help through sabr (patience), this means we are patiently withholding ourselves from doing anything that would harm our lives and souls, and we are patiently and continuously doing whatever would benefit our lives and souls.

If we are seeking help through Salaah (prayer), then we are at the bare minimum praying our five daily prayers every day on time. Additionally, when possible, we are also praying any optional prayers that would help us through life’s trials and demonstrate true gratefulness to Allah, such as Qiyaam or Witr, or the Sunnah prayers that accompany Fajr, Dhuhr, Maghrib and ‘Ishaa.

However, when we are struggling in our emaan (faith and spirituality), maintaining patience and keeping up with our obligatory (let alone optional) prayers can be very difficult, hence the saying of Allah, “…truly it is extremely heavy and hard except for Al-Khaashi’oon (those who are sincerely and humbly submissive)” (2:45).

Thus, we should constantly supplicate to Allah to make us of the khaashi’oon. In the meantime, it is important for us to show sabr in keeping up with what helps our souls, especially the five daily Salaah and any other spiritual obligations, even when we feel unmotivated or empty inside. I remind myself of this in my personal journal:

Struggling in your emaan? Do you feel dead inside when you pray, make du’aa, or read Qur’an?

Remember this: It’s okay to show up empty. Just be sure to show up.

And your Lord will fill your heart with the spiritual fuel it needs, eventually.

But you have to show up.

Show up to prayer.

Show up to du’aa.

Show up to Qur’an.

Just the act of showing up is a powerful act of faith.

Allah will take care of the rest.

Repentance and Forgiveness

In seeking to attain shukr (gratefulness) specifically, we can seek forgiveness from Allah for our sins and wrongdoings because the Qur’an teaches us that forgiveness is a path toward being grateful.

For example, when Allah is sharing with us the story of the Children of Isra’eel, He tells us how they wronged themselves through neglecting the rights of their Lord and becoming wrongdoers. Then He says, “Then after that We forgave you so that you might be grateful” (Al-Baqarah, 2:52).

Thus, in seeking a truly grateful heart, we can sincerely reflect on our faults and sins, and then humbly repent to Allah for them, while hoping for His forgiveness.

Fasting and Dhikr

Two other paths to gratefulness are fasting and using our tongues to glorify Allah for His blessings.

Allah says, “The month of Ramadhan [is that] in which was revealed the Qur’an, a guidance for the people and clear proofs of guidance and criterion. So whoever sights [the new moon of] the month, let him fast it; and whoever is ill or on a journey – then an equal number of other days. Allah intends for you ease and does not intend for you hardship and [wants] for you to complete the period and to glorify Allah for that [to] which He has guided you; and perhaps you will be grateful” (Al-Baqarah, 2:185).

We can continue to strive for gratefulness outside of Ramadan by fasting optional days such as Mondays and Thursdays, ‘Ashooraa, the Day of Arafat, and/or six days of Shawwal. We can also continuously keep dhikr (the remembrance of Allah) on our tongues by glorifying and praising Allah, even when we are not motivated to.

In my journal, I wrote this personal reminder to myself: Even when your heart feels dead, keep your tongue alive with dhikr. It may become the resuscitation of your heart.

Reflecting on His Provision and Blessings

The truth is that no matter how empty or dead we feel inside, and no matter how much emotional pain we are suffering in life, we are still immersed in innumerable blessings from Allah. We can remind ourselves of this by speaking about these blessings aloud or writing about them in a journal, saying something like, “I’m thankful to Allah for such-and-such, and such-and such…” and so on, even if the exercise feels a bit dry at first.

In fact, this is a good practice even in times of ease and happiness, for Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) taught us, “Remember Allah during times of ease and He will remember you during times of difficulty” (from Forty Hadith An-Nawawi). Furthermore, Allah says, “So remember Me; I will remember you. And be grateful to Me and never be ungrateful to Me” (Al-Baqarah, 2:152).

However, even in our limited ability to be truly mindful and grateful for His countless blessings, Allah remains merciful and forgiving to us (which is in itself another cause to be grateful). He says, “…Truly, Allah is full of Bounty to mankind, yet most of mankind give no thanks” (Ghaafir, 40:61). In another ayah, He says, “And if you should count the favors of Allah, you could not enumerate them. Indeed, Allah is Forgiving and Merciful” (An-Nahl, 16:18)

In helping us to be more mindful of His immeasurable mercy and kindness, Allah reminds of us of some of these blessings so that we can reflect and be grateful:

“And have you seen the water that you drink? Is it you who brought it down from the clouds, or is it We who bring it down? If We willed, We could make it bitter, so why are you not grateful?” (Al-Waaqi’ah, 56:68-70).

“And it is He who subjected the sea for you to eat from it tender meat and to extract from it ornaments which you wear. And you see the ships plowing through it, and [He subjected it] that you may seek of His bounty; and perhaps you will be grateful” (An-Nahl, 16:14).

“And Allah has extracted you from the wombs of your mothers not knowing a thing, and He made for you hearing and vision and intellect that perhaps you would be grateful” (An-Nahl, 16:78).

And there are many more ayaat like this, reminding us of Allah’s blessings so that we can reflect and be grateful.

Purifying Our Thoughts and Speech

One thing to be mindful of is that ungratefulness can cloud our perception such that we are unable to appreciate even times of ease and prosperity, as our hearts are so overcome with spiritual diseases. I reflect on this in my journal:

Ungratefulness can make times of ease feel like times of difficulty. So be careful. In this, we’re so busy complaining about our hectic schedules, our personal troubles, and the things we *don’t* have, that we miss out on the soul-rejuvenating experience of shukr, that sincere gratefulness that allows us to truly appreciate all that we *do* have—and that can be easily taken away by the One who gifted it to us…

And as for all those blessings you are impatiently seeking and that are distracting you from true shukr? Allah says what has been translated to mean, “And [remember] when your Lord proclaimed, ‘If you are grateful, I will surely increase you [in favor]…” (Ibrahim, 14:7).

In highlighting the importance of gratefulness, Al-Nu’man ibn Bashir (may Allah be pleased with him) reported that the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) said while he was on the pulpit, “Whoever is not grateful for small things will not be grateful for large things. Whoever is not thankful to people is not thankful to Allah. Mentioning the blessings of Allah is gratitude and ignoring them is ingratitude…” (Musnad Aḥmad, 17982 Sahih by Al-Albani).

Thus, it is crucial for the health of our souls and for attaining worldly favors, that we strive to be in a constant state of shukr (as well as beautiful patience), even when life isn’t going the way we’d like.

Prostration for Gratefulness

In addition to speaking aloud or writing down our blessings, Sajdatu-shukr (the prostration for gratefulness) is also a good practice to implement in our lives, even when the blessing or good news we receive isn’t “huge.” Here is a personal entry from my journal to remind me of this: Sajdatu-shukr… Fall into it whenever you’re in distress yet witness even the smallest of victories or hear even the smallest good news. It helps calm the heart, clear the mind, and refocus the soul.

I also wrote this reflection in my journal:

I’m growing to appreciate the wisdom in the simple utterance, “Alhamdulillaah” (i.e. “All praise and thanks belong to God”) and in the simple act of sajdatu-shukr (prostration for gratefulness), wherein we place our heads humbly on the ground and glorify our Creator after something good has happened in our lives.

In moving our tongue in remembrance of our Creator after every decree (good and bad), we are reminded where both the power and praise always belong. And in placing our heads humbly on the ground after receiving good news, we are reminded where we ourselves always belong—in humble remembrance that our highest honor is found in embracing our humility before God, not in claiming our greatness before His creation.

Obeying Allah and Guarding the Soul

So how do we experience shukr—true and sincere gratefulness?

Shukr (gratefulness) is not only a declaration of thankfulness on the tongue. It is an action-based lifestyle rooted in thankfulness in the heart. And the most basic form of gratefulness is submission to God (Allah). This is also the highest form.

In other words, shukr is essentially the opposite of kufr (disbelief), as refusing to submit to the Creator and believe in His Messenger (peace be upon him) is the worst form of ungratefulness. Therefore, we attain shukr by striving upon sincerity in our emaan and istislaam, submission and surrender to Allah.

Submission begins with a declaration of emaan on the tongue and is followed up with a lifetime commitment to surrendering to Allah through obeying Him, even if we fall short at times. This lifestyle of submission and surrender is the essence of ‘ebaadah (sincerely worshipping Allah), and this ‘ebaadah is in turn how we attain taqwaa (piety and guarding our souls from spiritual harm). Allah says, “O mankind, worship your Guardian Lord, who created you and those before you, that you may attain taqwaa” (Al-Baqarah, 2:21).

It is then through striving for taqwaa that we attain true shukr (gratefulness to our Creator). Allah says, “…Then have taqwaa of Allah; perhaps you will be grateful” (Ali ‘Imraan, 3:123).

In our practical lives, taqwaa means striving our level best to protect our souls from spiritual harm in this world and in the Hereafter. This is achieved through using our tongues, limbs, and worldly blessings to obey Allah and seek His pleasure, while understanding there will be occasional pain and suffering upon this path.

Ubayy bin Ka’b (may Allah be pleased with him), who was one of the first Companions to accept Islam, once asked ‘Umar bin al-Khattab (may Allah be pleased with him). “Have you ever walked on a path that has thorns on it?” Umar said, “Yes.” Ubayy said, “What did you do then?” Umar said, “I rolled up my sleeves and struggled.” Ubayy said, “That is taqwaa” (Tafsir Ibn Kathir).

In reflecting on the necessity to bear with patience the inevitable trials that will befall us as we strive for taqwaa and Allah’s Pleasure in the Hereafter, I wrote this reflection in my journal: You’re not getting to Paradise without the pain. So stop looking for ways to numb it, suppress it, or escape it; and start looking for ways to bear it with beautiful patience. Until you meet your Lord.

Wudhoo’, Purity and the Night Prayer

We can also attain shukr through consistently being in a state of spiritual purity and bodily cleanliness, and through making Qiyaam (the Night Prayer) a regular part of our lives (in addition to the five obligatory prayers).

Allah says what has been translated to mean, “O you who have believed, when you rise to [perform] prayer, wash your faces and your forearms to the elbows and wipe over your heads and wash your feet to the ankles. And if you are in a state of janabah (impurity), then purify yourselves. But if you are ill or on a journey or one of you comes from the place of relieving himself or you have contacted women and do not find water, then seek clean earth and wipe over your faces and hands with it. Allah does not intend to make difficulty for you, but He intends to purify you and complete His favor upon you that you may be grateful” (Al-Maa’idah, 5:6).

Once, at the time of the Fajr prayer, the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) asked the famous Companion Bilal (may Allah be pleased with him), “Tell me of the best deed you did after embracing Islam, for I heard your footsteps in front of me in Paradise.” Bilal replied, “I did not do anything worth mentioning except that whenever I performed ablution during the day or night, I prayed after that ablution as much as was written for me” (Sahih al-Bukhari 1149).

Also, Al-Mughirah ibn Shu’bah (may Allah be pleased with him) reported that the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) would pray until his feet were swollen. It was said to him, “Why do you do this when Allah has forgiven your past and future sins?” The Prophet said, “Shall I not be a grateful servant?” ( Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī 1078 and Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim 2819)

Regarding the virtues of praying Qiyaam each night, Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “Our Lord (highly glorified is He) descends every night to the lowest heaven, when only one third of the night remains. He says, ‘Who will call on Me, so that I would answer him? Who will ask Me, so that I would give him? Who will seek My forgiveness, so that I would forgive him?’” (Bukhari and Muslim).

If we find it difficult to pray Qiyaam every night, we can develop this habit by praying Qiyaam once a week or every other week or even once a month. Our Mother `Aisha (may Allah be pleased with her) said that Allah’s Messenger (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “Do good deeds properly, sincerely and moderately; and know that your deeds will not make you enter Paradise, and that the most beloved deed to Allah is the most regular and constant even if it were little” (Sahih al-Bukhari 6464 Book 81, Hadith 53).

This hadith is an encouragement to all of us, as it is a reminder that ultimately it is Allah’s Mercy, not our own deeds, that will allow us to enter Paradise. Thus, so long as we are striving to do the best we can, then Allah will reward us for this striving.

In emphasizing the importance of pacing ourselves and focusing on the best we can do, Allah advises us to recite in Qiyaam whatever is easy for us, and this is most certainly an encouragement for those of us who have not memorized much Qur’an.

He says: “Indeed, your Lord knows, [O Muhammad], that you stand [in prayer] almost two thirds of the night or half of it or a third of it, and [so do] a group of those with you. And Allah determines [the extent of] the night and the day. He has known that you [Muslims] will not be able to do it and has turned to you in forgiveness, so recite what is easy [for you] of the Qur’an. He has known that there will be among you those who are ill and others traveling throughout the land seeking [something] of the bounty of Allah and others fighting for the cause of Allah. So recite what is easy from it and establish prayer and give zakaah and loan Allah a goodly loan. And whatever good you put forward for yourselves – you will find it with Allah. It is better and greater in reward. And seek forgiveness of Allah. Indeed, Allah is Forgiving and Merciful” (Al-Muzzammil, 73:20).

In further encouraging us to be compassionate with ourselves as we consistently worship and obey Allah, Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “The Religion is easy.  So whoever overburdens himself in his religion will not be able to continue in that way.  So you should not go to extremes, rather strive to be near perfection.  Receive good tidings that you will be rewarded, and gain strength by offering the prayers in the mornings, afternoons, and during the last hours of the nights” (Bukhari).

Therefore, no matter how much or how little we are able to do of these optional deeds, we should know that Allah will reward us for whatever good we do, and He will help us attain true shukr.

Reading and Understanding Qur’an

Undoubtedly, one of the most important aspects of attaining true emaan and teaching our hearts sincere shukr, with the help of Allah, is making the Qur’an an integral part of our lives such that we humbly interact with it each day. Allah says, “Then do they not reflect upon the Qur’an, or are their hearts locked up?” (Muhammad, 47:24)

One place we can start is by reciting Ayatul-Kursi (i.e. Al-Baqarah, 2:255) after each obligatory prayer, for Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “Whoever recites Ayatul-Kursi after each obligatory prayer, then nothing stands in his way to Paradise except death” (An-Nasaa’i).

The translation of the meaning of this ayah is as follows: “Allah – none has the right to be worshipped except Him, the Ever-Living, the Sustainer of [all] existence. Neither drowsiness overtakes Him nor sleep. To Him belongs whatever is in the heavens and whatever is on the earth. Who is it that can intercede with Him except by His permission? He knows what is [presently] before them and what will be after them, and they encompass not a thing of His knowledge except for what He wills. His Kursi extends over the heavens and the earth, and their preservation tires Him not. And He is the Most High, the Most Great” (Al-Baqarah, 2:255).

In encouraging myself and my brothers and sisters in faith to integrate the Qur’an into their daily lives, I wrote this reflection:

Read Qur’an every day, even if only for a few minutes, even if you don’t feel like it, and even if your heart feels empty or distant from Allah.

Just as your body benefits from physical cleansing even when you’re not fully “enjoying” the bath, your heart and soul benefit from spiritual cleansing even when you’re unable to taste the sweetness of emaan.

Yes, a bath you enjoy refreshes you far beyond merely cleansing the skin, and a spiritual practice you enjoy makes your heart come alive far beyond merely earning blessings for uttering divine words.

But with or without enjoyment, your body needs daily cleansing—and with or without “feeling faith”, your soul needs daily purification.

So in addition to praying your five daily prayers, read Qur’an each day, dear soul, even if only a few lines or for only a short time. Your heart might not *feel* the purification happening within you during prayer and reading Qur’an, but it is happening nonetheless.

O Allah write us down amongst the shaakireen—those who are sincerely and consistently grateful to You—and do not allow us to die except in a state of sincere emaan!

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Umm Zakiyyah is the internationally acclaimed author of twenty books, including the If I Should Speak trilogy, Muslim Girl , and His Other Wife . In 2019, she launched UZ Soul Gear , a passion project fueled by her love of both art and inspirational reflections. UZSoulGear.com offers apparel, wall décor, and more, aimed at supporting and inspiring the soul-centered lifestyle.

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The post Shukr, Teaching Your Hurting Heart Gratefulness appeared first on Umm Zakiyyah.

Forced Positivity in the Abuse of Forgiveness

Some people find it hard to forgive because they were never given any other choice.

Forgiveness was the noose tightened around their neck, choking their voice.

After the strike to the face, the blow in the gut, and the tarnishing of their name,

They were told they must forgive if they were truly good, or else live in perpetual shame.

So they forgave and forgave, hoping to wipe away the toxic shame within

While those who’d guilted them into forgiving, seamlessly returned to sin

So forgiveness was their coping mechanism, their way of beautifying their abuser’s lie

So they smiled until their cheeks hurt, and laughed and cried until their heart went dry

All the while chanting, I forgive them, I forgive them, because that’s what good people do

If they asked about their abuser being accountable, they were told, “Forgiveness is for you!”

So they dropped their head in humiliation and disappeared into the shadows of shame

And learned to look completely happy and pious as they suppressed all anger and pain

Then they discovered the mercy of God’s justice in answering the prayer of the wronged

So they raised their hands in supplication and felt their heart come alive after far too long

Tears filled their eyes in grateful vindication, feeling for the first time that God was really there

But then a spiritual teacher told them that good people *always* forgive,

So again, they sunk deep in toxic shame and humiliation, and sought forgiveness for the prayer.

—Umm Zakiyyah, “The ‘Sin’ of Believing in God’s Justice”

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The following is an excerpt from the book The Abuse of Forgiveness: Manipulation and Harm in the Name of Emotional Healing by Umm Zakiyyah:

I lived for years in a form of suffering that I now think of as an abusive relationship with myself. Like so many other abusive relationships, continuously subjecting myself to harm each day nearly cost me my life. When I reached the point where I genuinely believed I needed to take my own life, I realized that there was a level of emotional wounding that I had yet to fathom.

Some religious people would trivialize or dismiss my suicidality as being sinful or rooted in the influences of Shaytaan. In other words, they would say I was experiencing this urge due to my weak faith, my human propensity to disobey God, or my listening to whispers of the devil. While I certainly recognize that some trauma and mental health struggles deem a person unaccountable for their actions in front of God, I do not mention my suicidality and emotional wounding to suggest that I am in this category.

I have no idea if I would have been excused or forgiven had I followed through with the urge. My mentioning of emotional wounding as the root of this struggle is for the purpose of pinpointing the reason behind the battle, not to suggest that I had an excuse if I’d lost it. As with all realities dealing with a person’s true spiritual state and internal conflicts, I leave ultimate judgment to God, whether it concerns my soul or anyone else’s. Thus, the point I’m making here is not that we can use emotional wounding as an excuse for any trial, but that we should see the trial as a warning sign pointing to internal wounds that need to be acknowledged and addressed. However, we cannot do this unless we seek to understand where the wounding originated in the first place.

Even in a case where a person is undoubtedly being influenced by the devil, this influence should not to be trivialized. Rather it should be understood. In my journal, I reflect on the importance of understanding more than trivializing: Satan cannot reach us unless there’s an opening. So when we face our human weaknesses and sins, let’s not dismiss them by saying, “That’s Shaytaan”—but instead focus on finding the opening in ourselves and lives that allowed him in.

Put another way, even if we believe that all suicidality stems from the influences of the devil, this belief does not remove our responsibility to understand why a particular pathway of influence affects us more than others. Otherwise, what’s the point of identifying the influence of the devil at all? All human beings are influenced by forces of both good and evil, and our challenge in life is to align ourselves as far as possible with the good. Thus, anyone who understands the complexity of life would never view any source of harm as trivial, whether we call it the devil or something else.

Personally, what I ultimately uncovered beneath my suicidal urge was emotional wounding that originated from living a life of self-abuse since childhood. However, before that suicidal moment, I understood my self-abuse as embracing a life of optimism, forgiveness, and striving to be a good Muslim. In other words, I was experiencing firsthand the destructive outcome of extreme positivity: toxic negativity.

The Negativity Must Point Somewhere

When I say extreme positivity, I mean the mental and emotional state of viewing nearly all ostensibly positive emotions and expressions as categorically “good” and viewing nearly all ostensibly negative emotions and expressions as categorically “bad.” If a person who ascribes to extreme positivity believes in God, he or she will assume that God is pleased with “positivity” and that He is displeased with “negativity.”

In the culture of forced forgiveness, we see one of the many dysfunctional branches of extreme positivity. In forced forgiveness, sufferers are taught that their pain is effectively a punishment from God for not being “positive” (i.e. forgiving the abuser or wrongdoer). Thus, they are cursed to live out life with angry, bitter hearts until they submit to extreme positivity by always absolving any abuser or wrongdoer for accountability for his or her actions.

In order to understand the toxic, destructive nature of extreme positivity in all of its forms, we must first understand the nature of creation itself. Nearly all faith traditions and spiritual ideologies recognize the inherent duality of human life: hot/cold, dry/wet, up/down, right/left, feminine/masculine, pleasure/pain, ease/hardship, happiness/sadness, tolerance/intolerance, love/hate, and so on. This duality is referred to in different terms depending on the spiritual ideology or faith tradition.

In Chinese philosophy this duality is referred to as the “yin and yang” of existence. In Islamic tradition, this duality is referred to in various terms depending on the context. In the subject of qadr (which was discussed in brief earlier), this duality is referred to as the khayr and sharr of what is divinely decreed or predestined for all life. In simplistic terms, khayr refers to our positive experiences, and sharr refers to our negative experiences. These terms also refer to the good/evil duality in life.

Regarding the nature of creation itself, Islamic tradition refers to this inherent duality in the concept of everything being created in pairs. The Qur’an says what has been translated to mean: “And of everything We have created pairs, that you may receive instruction [or be reminded]” (Adh-Dhaariyaat, 51:49).

Those who ascribe to extreme positivity reject the inherent duality of life (or at least the goodness in it). Thus, they seek the positive in nearly every circumstance, even when the positive is not appropriate or healthy. Proponents of extreme positivity also live in denial of the inevitable negative and sometimes evil consequences of their words, actions, and choices, even when they are wronging or harming others. Any person of faith who has been accosted, slandered, or abused by those who claim to call for “tolerance” but who are really calling for the criminalization of religion knows on a deeply personal level the toxic negativity that extreme positivity produces.

Undoubtedly, the subject of extreme positivity is vast, but for the purposes of this book, it is sufficient to say this: Whenever we resist, deny, or run away from the inevitable negativity in life, that negativity does not disappear. It simply points in a direction that we refuse to see, admit, or take responsibility for. Sometimes that hidden (or denied) negativity harms ourselves; other times it harms others. However, no matter what we think is happening, whenever we choose positivity, the negative aspect of the positive/negative duality must point somewhere.

In my case, my self-abuse meant that I continuously harmed myself in the name of honoring and respecting others. My extreme positivity had created a toxic mental and emotional environment for my spirit-soul because of the positive/negative duality inherent in my “always see and choose the good” approach to life.

As I sought to be a loving, forgiving person and a “good Muslim,” I pointed all of my positive energy, assumptions, and love toward others—even in obvious cases of abuse and wrongdoing—and thus inadvertently pointed all negativity toward myself. Thus, it only makes sense that my “extreme positivity” ultimately resulted in emotional wounding that led to the next logical step of “positive” self-sacrifice: remove my negative, harm-filled existence from the world.

Healing Isn’t in Positivity, It’s in Submission

At the center of all humans’ dual experiences is the soul, which was created by God and will be returned to Him after it leaves its earthly shell. Thus, the human soul does not find ultimate peace or healing by aligning with only what is positive in life. It finds ultimate peace and healing by aligning with what reflects its divine purpose. This divinely assigned purpose is sometimes manifested in positive experiences and choices, and it is sometimes manifested in negative experiences and choices. However, in each divinely inspired alignment, the human submits to the center of its being—its soul’s purpose—which is neither exclusively positive nor negative in earthly experience. In Islamic tradition, this “center of being” is emaan (authentic spirituality) as found in submission to Allah.

Those who ascribe to manmade life paths that contradict authentic spirituality will always be at odds with this divinely centered purpose, even when they imagine they are always choosing love, tolerance, and forgiveness. As discussed in brief earlier, when people ascribe to a culture of extreme positivity (such as forced forgiveness) and thus recognize no justifiable or necessary reason to ever not forgive, their chances of being continuously subjected to injustice, wrongdoing, and abuse increase tremendously.

Therefore, it should come as no surprise, as alluded to earlier in the context of Black people’s misguided obligation to always forgive, that oppressive systems love influential personalities that call for love and forgiveness, but vilify influential personalities that call for justice and defending the oppressed. For this reason, historical figures like Malcolm X (El-Hajj Malik El-Shabazz) are less celebrated than non-threatening figures like Mohandas Gandhi and Martin Luther King, Jr. (who, not coincidentally, was assassinated shortly after he began vocalizing regrets for his singular approach to social justice).

Moreover, it is no accident that these oppressive systems require love and forgiveness only from those they continuously harm, but not from themselves as the oppressors. In other words, by establishing a one-sided culture of forced love and forgiveness (no matter how egregious their own crimes), oppressors ensure that their systems of hate and injustice will never be meaningfully challenged. In this, oppressors want the sufferers to believe that defending oneself against hate and injustice is a manifestation of hate and injustice itself.

Though nothing could be further from the truth, the brainwashing of the masses into accepting extreme positivity (which includes the culture of forced forgiveness) as the only way of life makes it impossible to discern harmful negativity from beneficial negativity, and harmful positivity from beneficial positivity.

True healing, whether on a personal or national scale, can only occur when the proper duality of human existence is embraced as a fundamental right of every human soul. Yes, as a general rule, we are most closely aligned with our soul’s divine purpose in environments of love, tolerance, and forgiveness. However, there are moments that courageously standing up in the face of injustice, oppression, or abuse is healthier spiritually and practically than choosing “extreme positivity.”

In the Qur’an, God says what has been translated to mean:

“O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, your parents, your kin, and whether it be [against] rich or poor. For Allah can best protect both. So follow not the lusts [of your hearts], lest you may avoid justice. And if you distort [justice] or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do” (An-Nisaa, 4:135).

In cultures of extreme positivity, the lusts of our hearts which prevent ultimate justice can at times be our inclination to avoid negativity altogether.

Toxic Entitlement in Forgiveness Culture

Today, forgiveness peddling has become so widespread that abusers and wrongdoers themselves demand the extreme positivity it incites, specifically toxic negativity in the form of toxic entitlement. Because forced forgiveness links one’s personal internal goodness and emotional wellbeing to forgiving abusers and wrongdoers (a manifestation of extreme positivity), it only naturally follows that anyone can now remind the sufferer of the threat of this cursed reality. Consequently, those involved in inflicting the emotional wounding itself feel emboldened to demand that their victims hand over their “get out of jail free” card.

If the victims don’t hand out forgiveness on demand, the abusers now have every right (according to extreme positivity and forced forgiveness ideology) to tell their victims that they will pay with angry hearts and self-destructive bitterness. In the true definition of forgiveness—the one given to us by God—there is no requirement for all anger and blame to be gone from one’s heart before one decides to forgive, and there is no threat of toxic anger and bitterness afflicting the heart if one exercises his or her option to not forgive. More importantly, irrespective of what is happening in a victim’s heart, under no circumstances does an abuser or wrongdoer have the right to demand forgiveness.

When Toxic Negativity Points Toward God

One of the most spiritually destructive results of extreme positivity and forced forgiveness ideology is when humans attribute positivity to themselves and negativity to God. This happens either consciously or unconsciously, and it generally stems either from a manmade system of spirituality, or from a partial or complete rejection of authentic spirituality altogether.

Two popular manifestations of this anti-God toxic negativity are atheism and anger with (or disagreement with) God. This is undoubtedly a vast topic that warrants an entire book itself. However, in brief, we can understand these manifestations as follows: Both are forms of toxic negativity rooted in extreme positivity, which in its non-extreme, healthy form merely stems from the fitrah, that inherent spiritual nature and recognition of God that is imprinted on every spirit-soul.

In this fitrah, the human soul knows that its Creator is (among other things) Just and Merciful. Thus, whenever the human hears about God, the spirit-soul is at peace when the information complements the fitrah’s inherent knowledge of His Justice and Mercy. However, two things happen during the spirit-soul’s sojourn on earth that cause natural positivity to morph into extreme positivity (and thus toxic negativity):

The spirit-soul is exposed to corrupt and inauthentic concepts of God and spirituality (often from the mouths and lives of those who claim to devoutly believe in Him).
The spirit-soul gradually begins to trust only its perceptions of the world (even regarding matters of the unseen) and what it feels should be gained materially and spiritually on earth.

Naturally, for a person engaged in daily nourishment of the spirit-soul through authentic spirituality, any exposure to corrupt or inauthentic spirituality merely inspires the person to remove himself or herself from the toxic environment that is confusing the fitrah of the spirit-soul. The authentically spiritual person will further be inspired to focus on what the fitrah knows of God, not what corrupt humans have done while using His Name. This is because the fitrah inherently knows that Reality neither changes nor disappears simply because the word reality is often used outside of its proper context and understanding.

However, for soon-to-be atheists experiencing number 1, they do not guard the spirit-soul from these environments, nor do they tap into the fitrah’s “common sense” understanding of Reality. Thus, they become spiritually corrupt themselves. They then borrow from the definition of God that they know from the fitrah and compare it to the “reality” of God they see in “real life” (i.e. the toxic “realities” they are exposed to), then conclude that God does not exist because this toxic reality contradicts the Reality of God’s Justice and Mercy. Ironically, it is their spirit-soul’s inherent knowledge of God’s existence and His flawless attributes of Justice and Mercy that even allow atheists to reject Reality at all.

Though atheists also fall into the pitfalls of number 2 (trusting only their own perceptions of and experiences with the world), pitfall 2 chiefly defines people who believe in God (or a Higher Being) but reject all or part of authentic spirituality. In their efforts to make sense of the material and/or spiritual world sans the toxic “realities” they witness, they adjust their definition of Reality such that they distance themselves as far as possible from what they think is at the root of the spiritual corruption and widespread harm they see. Furthermore, when true Reality contracts their heart’s desires, they redefine Reality such that their heart’s desires are met (even if only in their imagination). When they know their desires contradict Reality, they become angry with God or openly disagree with Him. This results in efforts to redefine how Reality should be. Ultimately, the end result of number 2 is the rejection of authentic spirituality and putting a manmade spiritual path in its place.

In justifying these manmade spiritual systems, these anti-God people (who claim to believe in God or a Higher Being) draw on their extreme positivity model and thus point to number 1 (negative behavior of “religious” people) as an excuse for their innovated life path. By claiming that humans’ concepts of God and “organized religion” are negative and corrupt, they argue that traditional religious Reality needs an extreme makeover or outright rejection. In doing this, they merely introduce to the world a new “organized religion,” which if practiced by human beings (the only possibility) will over time witness obvious negativity and widespread corruption—as is already happening in the forced forgiveness culture.

The reality of toxic negativity and widespread corruption is inevitable in any life path practiced by humans because the root of all widespread harm and corruption is the human heart. Thus, we can change our spiritual path and religious affiliation a zillion times over (and we can even remove “religion” from the face of the earth entirely) and the world would still be plagued with widespread harm and corruption—until humans make the conscious choice to change the condition of themselves by rooting out the pollution in their hearts.

In Islamic tradition this fact is addressed in many verses of the Qur’an, but here is one of the most famous: “Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves” (Ar-Ra’d, 13:11). The word that is being translated as themselves is the Arabic term anfusihim, which refers to the heart-spirit-soul essence of humans.

However, as the culture of forced forgiveness and extreme positivity has made painfully obvious—especially in its devastating effects on black slaves historically and on systems of abuse and oppression currently—this purification of the heart-spirit-soul can never be successful without authentic spirituality. In authentic spirituality, we have a balanced, self-correction approach to life that emphasizes love, peace, tolerance, and forgiveness as a general rule, but also emphasizes the need for justice and standing up against wrongdoing and oppression when necessary. It also allows for the healthy, natural duality of life that prioritizes self-care over self-harm and balances both positivity and negativity wherever one is more appropriate and healthier for the spirit-soul and circumstance.

Forced Forgiveness and Toxic Entitlement Toward God

In understanding the spiritually destructive harms that toxic negativity produces, it is relevant to mention the forced forgiveness and toxic entitlement that some “religious” people ascribe to under the guise of having a positive definition of faith. In this form of extreme positivity, a person’s forced forgiveness and toxic entitlement ideology is directed at God himself. Like those who ascribe to number 2 above (i.e. trusting only their own thoughts and conclusions about the world), these people exhibit an extreme positivity that manifests as anger with God or disagreement with Him, specifically regarding who should or should not be forgiven, and who should or should not be granted Paradise.

These people’s underlying mentality mirrors the toxic entitlement of abusers and wrongdoers who demand forgiveness from those who, in reality, owe them nothing. In their self-serving concept of faith and spirituality, they imagine that God is here to heed their desires and demands, and not the other way around. Therefore, if they perceive that they or someone they love is not getting what they “deserve,” whether materially or spiritually, they accuse God of being unjust and unmerciful.

In truth, God owes humans nothing at all while humans owe God everything. Allah, the Creator of all, is the Provider of our very being and existence while we are the provider of absolutely nothing—except from what He himself has given us. However, some of us still manage to use these very gifts of life, speech, and thought to rage against the One who has given them to us. Thus, due to feeling that we (or our loved ones) have been denied something we “deserve,” we openly criticize His rules, decrees, and principles of material and spiritual reward.

In anti-religion crowds, this raging is sometimes against the idea of God having any spiritual requirements at all before a human can enter Paradise. [Meanwhile, humans themselves have scores of worldly requirements that they put in place before anyone can touch or enjoy anything they own (which was incidentally given to them by God).] In those who claim to accept religion, this raging is sometimes against the same concept when they have decided that a specific individual “deserves” forgiveness or Paradise. In this, if they perceive that someone they love does not (or will not) fulfill the spiritual requirements to enter Paradise or to be forgiven, they deduce that it is God who is wrong and not the person who chooses to reject Him.

Ironically, instead of inviting the person they love to authentic spirituality (and thus true forgiveness), they rage against the idea that authentic spirituality should matter to God at all. This, despite the fact that (by definition) rejecting authentic spirituality is denying the rights of God. However, just like the toxic entitlement of abusers and wrongdoers who demand forgiveness from those whose rights they violated, these people violate the rights of God—then they tap into their toxic negativity and entitlement to demand forgiveness when they haven’t even made efforts to deserve it. In this, they imagine that they can use the same manipulation techniques of forced forgiveness that they use on humans when demanding undeserved gifts from God.

READ THE BOOK: The Abuse of Forgiveness: Manipulation and Harm in the Name of Emotional Healing by Umm Zakiyyah

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Umm Zakiyyah is the internationally acclaimed author of twenty books, including the If I Should Speak trilogy, Muslim Girl , and His Other Wife . In 2019, she launched UZ Soul Gear , a passion project fueled by her love of both art and inspirational reflections. UZSoulGear.com offers apparel, wall décor, and more, aimed at supporting and inspiring the soul-centered lifestyle.

Want to find or improve your writing voice? Join UZ University to learn how, so you too can share inspirational stories with the world: UZuniversity.com

Subscribe to Umm Zakiyyah’s YouTube channel , follow her on Instagram or Twitter , and join her Facebook page.

Copyright © 2019 by Al-Walaa Publications. All Rights Reserved.

 

The post Forced Positivity in the Abuse of Forgiveness appeared first on Umm Zakiyyah.

Learn Who You Are Before Embracing Who You Are

“Self-love isn’t always about focusing on all the wonderful things about yourself. More than anything, self-love is self-honesty. It is the willingness to look deep into your soul and acknowledge not only the light, but also the darkness lingering there. It is commitment to truthfulness over comfort, and betterment over convenience. It is the daily process of self-improvement—even when it hurts.”

—from the journal of Umm Zakiyyah

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“I’d rather be hated for who I truly am, than loved for who I am not,” the woman said, referring to her commitment to live as a “queer Muslim” acting out her same-sex desires toward another woman in “marriage.” This, she proclaimed after saying that the definition of nikaah (Islamic marriage) as revealed in the Qur’an and taught by Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) is outdated and thus no longer applicable in modern times. In defending living an openly gay lifestyle as a professed Muslim, she said, “This is who I am.”

Today, so many people seek to embrace their “authentic self” and strive to live out this personal truth for the rest of their lives. While embracing our authentic self is ostensibly praiseworthy in its own right, before we can meaningfully connect with any core personal truths, we must engage in spiritual self-honesty. This means first and foremost digging deep, beyond worldly desires and inclinations, and asking our soul, in front of the One who created it: “But deep inside, who are you—truly?”

If we do not ask ourselves this question while beseeching God’s guidance in prayer and striving upon the guidance He revealed to us through His Messenger (peace and blessings be upon him), then we are not seeking any true authenticity of self. Rather we are seeking to follow our lowest desires of the flesh, instead of our deepest desires of the soul.

Internal Feelings Are Tests, Not Self-Definitions

When we are seeking to understand who we are deep inside, we need to first understand the nature of our creation, and this begins with realizing that each and every one of us is a child of Adam. As children of Adam, the first human that God created in this world, we need to understand that we are spiritual beings before we are anything else—sexual or otherwise.

As spiritual beings, we will certainly have worldly experiences that test us to the very core of our souls. However, the details of these tests do not define that spiritual core; they are merely designed to connect us to our soul-center, which submits humbly and fully to God.

In our worldly tests of the soul that call us to submit to God, we will have desires that we need to overcome, frustrations that we need to calm, and even harmful actions that we need to hold ourselves back from. Even if we find ourselves battling the same desires, frustrations, and harmful inclinations over and over again, this is never a sign that we should just give up and submit to the trial instead of to the One who decreed it for us—no matter how many times this single test repeats itself in our lives.

In seeking to understand who we are while battling these tests, here are some questions we can honestly ask our souls before placing a label on ourselves that frees us from the daily battle against the nafs (inner self): If you continuously desire someone who is not your spouse, are you an adulterer? If you continuously desire food while you’re fasting, are you a transgressor? If you continuously fight the urge to respond violently when you’re angry, are you an abuser?

On what grounds then do we define a person by their sexual “orientation”?

We all have sinful orientations, consistently. But these inclinations do not define who we are—unless we choose to submit to them, consistently—without repentance.

Spiritual Orientation or Sexual Orientation?

“But we can’t control who we are deep inside,” the modern world tells us. “Our underlying sexual orientations are not a choice,” we are told. Then this same world criticizes devout Jews, Christians, and Muslims—or any professed believer in God and His Books—because they strive upon the spiritual guidance and moral codes that they believe their Lord revealed in His Scriptures.

This begs the question: Why is a person’s underlying sexual desire considered an uncontrollable choice that no one is to be blamed for, but a person’s underlying spiritual desire is considered a blameworthy human choice that these religious people have the full power to abandon, if they really wanted to be “good” and “tolerant”?

Here’s the bottom line, particularly when discussing someone’s orientation toward a particular faith: If you genuinely believe a person’s sexual orientation isn’t a choice, then you must also accept that a person’s religious orientation is also not a choice. We are not merely sexual beings. We are spiritual beings as well. And our spirituality and belief in God are often manifested in childhood (even when our environment is anti- or non-religious), the same time that people argue that sexuality is manifested.

Thus, if we believe people cannot control their sexual inclinations, then we must also accept that people cannot control their spiritual inclinations—though whether or not they act upon these inclinations remains a matter of choice, as it is with any internal feeling, sexual or otherwise.

In Islam, we are taught that each person is born upon the fitrah, the natural inborn inclination to believe in God and worship Him alone. It is our parents or environments that compel us to either embrace or disregard our spiritual nature. Thus, to blame or criticize someone for ultimately submitting to their inborn nature by making the choice to do what their heart and soul have been compelling them toward all along (i.e. accept Islam)—even as they may have tried to fight it for fear of being mistreated, slandered, or discriminated against—isn’t too much different from what you say “homophobes” are doing.

Why should your orientation be treated as natural and uncontrollable, while others’ orientations are treated as “right” or “wrong” human choices?

Or are you admitting that your lifestyle, like a person’s religion, can be right or wrong—even as your original inclination toward it was out of your control?

We Can’t Control Who We Are Deep Inside?

The people of the world tell us that these underlying sexual orientations have been around for centuries and are part of each person’s inborn nature. In this, they are saying that acting on same-sex inclinations is something that our forefathers engaged in. They are further saying that our sexual orientations are effectively inborn “commandments” from the Creator placed in our bodies at birth, thereby guiding us on how to live out our intimate lives in this world.

Yet regarding both of these claims, God says what has been translated to mean, “And when they do immorality they say, ‘We found our forefathers doing it, and Allah [has] commanded us of it.’ Say, ‘Indeed, Allah [does] not order immorality. Do you say about Allah what you (do) not know?’” (Al-A’raaf, 7:28).

Thus, we cannot argue (at least not with any success in front of our souls) that we have no control over acting on our underlying sexual “orientations.”

In fact, given the fitrah that God placed in every human soul, spiritual orientations are arguably much more difficult to battle than sexual orientations.

While withholding yourself from the sexual life your body craves can give you a difficult life in this world, withholding yourself from a spiritual life your soul craves can give you not only a difficult life in this world, but an unbearably difficult one in the Hereafter. And no matter how much we argue for an easy life in this world, nobody has an easy life in this world—no matter how things appear to an outsider looking in.

But one thing’s for sure: We will not be punished for fighting the urge to submit to our body’s sexual “needs”. But we will be punished for fighting the urge to submit to our soul’s spiritual needs.

Therefore, spiritual orientations are much more urgent to tend to at all times

Spirituality Guides Sexuality, Not Vice Versa

In my blog “Compassion Means Supporting Sin? Idols of Emotionalism and Sexuality,” I share the following reflection in response to how so many of us oddly view spirituality as less “authentic” than sexuality:

Despite the obvious reality of each person’s underlying spiritual fitrah, embracing your “sexual orientation” is what the world will encourage in embracing “who you really are.” However, we are spiritual beings more than we are sexual beings. It is our “spiritual orientation” that defines us, not our sexual inclinations.

In a spiritually healthy human being, spirituality guides sexuality; sexuality does not guide spirituality. If it did, morality would be rooted in whatever we desire. Thus, a person who has sexual desires for a young child could act on it freely based on the principle that human connection is ageless and that love knows no bounds. However, even those who champion sexual orientation over religious morality reject this on the principle of “consenting adults.” Here is where they contradict themselves unknowingly.

As I discuss in my book Let’s Talk About Sex and Muslim Love: If you believe that there is no sin in acting on any sexual orientation that (allegedly) defines you, but you then apply the condition of “consenting adults,” then you are agreeing to the same moral principle that defines religious guidance: Morality trumps desire, always.

In this, the only question is: What is your definition of “morality”? People who embrace authentic spirituality recognize only one authority in defining morality: God. Those who embrace “freedom of sexual expression” recognize only one authority in defining morality: the human being.

And here again, they contradict themselves. Because when one human being argues for sex with children (due to their “sexual orientation” of pedophilia), these people claim that this is immoral. But why? According to their own principles of sexual expression (i.e. human-defined morality), acting on pedophilia is completely moral.

“But it’s unnatural and wrong!” they’ll say.

Ah! And here again, we find another contradiction: Their words mirror precisely what people of faith say when they reject “sexual expression” in same sex relationships.

So we’re back to square one: We all accept that the concepts of morality, “natural sexuality”, and “wrong sexual expression” exist. But it is only the people of God who manage to not contradict themselves.

Understanding Your Authentic Self: Trial or Truth?

When discussing our “authentic self,” there are two possibilities: the authentic self of our fitrah (innate, pure spiritual nature) and the authentic self of our qadar (personal trial and ultimate fate). Our fitrah is based on our natural inclination toward treading a path of obedience to Allah, and our qadar is based on facing difficult personal trials while treading a path toward our ultimate fate in the Hereafter.

Oftentimes, when people talk about living a life that reflects their “authentic self,” they do not differentiate between these two. Naturally, although we know (at least in the general sense) what obeying Allah looks like, we cannot possibly know what is in store for us regarding each personal trial in this world or our ultimate fate in the Hereafter. Consequently, if we find ourselves being propelled toward disobeying Allah (which suggests a negative fate in the Hereafter), we need to, as the saying goes, “fight qadar with qadar.” In other words, we need to use our fitrah to constantly fight the possibility of a terrible fate in the Hereafter—due to the difficult personal trial that is decreed for us in this world—no matter how “authentic” disobeying Allah feels to us in this life.

In other words, when embracing our “authentic self,” so many of us make the mistake of confusing the authenticity of our qadar—the deepest desires and trials decreed for us in this world—with the authenticity of our fitrah, our life’s purpose. They are not the same. Qadar reflects the unique tests and trials that God puts in our personal paths, and how we respond to them. In contrast, our fitrah reflects our soul’s natural inclination to live a spiritual life that is pleasing to God.

In any case, both your qadar and your fitrah are “authentically you” ultimately—because both are written for you as personal realities in this world. However, keep in mind, not everyone’s “authentic self” leads to Paradise. Some people’s qadar—due to how they handle their personal desires and trials—lands them in Hellfire (may Allah protect us, guide us, and forgive us).

Thus, in seeking to embrace “who you really are,” you should choose your “authenticity” wisely. Would you like your ultimate “personal truth” to reflect failed trials and tests that were decreed for you in this world? Or would you like your ultimate “personal truth” to reflect having strived upon the path of your fitrah—the path of Paradise—despite the difficult trials and personal tests you battled in this world?

In other words, before you embrace who you feel you “really” are, learn who you really are in front of the One who created you, and Whom you’ll return to after there is no more “authentic self” to live out in this world.

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Umm Zakiyyah is the internationally acclaimed author of twenty books, including the If I Should Speak trilogy, Muslim Girl , and His Other Wife . In 2019, she launched UZ Soul Gear , a passion project fueled by her love of both art and inspirational reflections. UZSoulGear.com offers apparel, wall décor, and more, aimed at supporting and inspiring the soul-centered lifestyle.

Want to find or improve your writing voice? Join UZ University to learn how, so you too can share inspirational stories with the world: UZuniversity.com

Subscribe to Umm Zakiyyah’s YouTube channel , follow her on Instagram or Twitter , and join her Facebook page.

Copyright © 2019 by Al-Walaa Publications. All Rights Reserved.

WRITTEN FOR UZAUTHOR.COM

The post Learn Who You Are Before Embracing Who You Are appeared first on Umm Zakiyyah.