Willie Handler's Blog, page 8

Not Exactly ‘When Harry Met Sally’

Is there anything more difficult in the entire human experience than a first date?  I don’t think so.  I would rather face job loss, another Maple Leaf non-playoff season, blackout-inducing ice storms, a former Beatle passing away, my car dying on highway 401 or another family meeting on who hosts the next holiday dinner over a first date.

You can plan out your date strategy from start to finish but it’s all a crap shoot.  After all, you’re dealing with a woman, and usually one you barely know.  Will she laugh at your jokes or have a puzzled look and ask, “are you serious”?  Should there be any physical contact such as a hug or a kiss?  Then of course you need to consider acceptable topics for conversation.  You want to show interest but still talk about yourself.  Say too much and you appear self-absorbed.  What if she’s quiet?  Will I have to carry most of the conversation?

All these issues run through my mind as a drove on my first date with Amelia.  We had chatted online and over the phone for almost two weeks and it was time to take things to the next stage. We agreed to meet over coffee at a Starbucks. The number one rule for first dates: meet over coffee.  If things go bad it’s easy to pull the plug on the date. “Darn I wish I could stay longer but I have to drop off some documents at the bank before they close for the day.”  You can’t pull that off in the middle of a dinner date.

You need to consider what the appropriate time is to arrive for the date.  Never mind you agreed to 2:00 pm – do you show up exactly at the arranged time, a little early or a just a tad late?  Each will be interpreted differently by the other party.  You could be perceived as reliable, over eager or indifferent.  I decide to arrive early and scout out a good spot. You want to locate yourself somewhere more private.  I walk into Starbucks about ten minutes early and check out the seating.   Naturally every damn seat is taken.  So I begin to hover which entails situating yourself close to tables where people have finished their drinks.  Don’t bother with ‘solos’ on their laptops.  These people are using the cafe as their personal workplace and aren’t going anywhere soon.  I dreaded the day Starbucks introduced free WiFi and the all-day Internet freeloaders showed up.  About three minutes into my hovering, a couple of seats open up and I rush to grab them.  Unfortunately, they are situated at a long table that seats eight and not even at the end of the table – not an ideal first date situation.   

Several minutes later Amelia walks in.  She is easy to recognize because she actually looks like her Tinder photo.  She is wearing a green top and beige capris. Her exposed calves are tanned as are her arms and shoulders.  She appears shorter than the 5’5″ she has listed in her profile.  I reach the first decision point.  When I get up to greet her do I extend a hand or move in for a partial hug?  You know, one where you reach around with one hand to her back with little physical contact.  Instead I freeze and stand there in all my awkwardness for what feels like ten minutes.  “Hi!  You must be Josh. Have you been here long?”  She slides down into the seat opposite me.  I follow suit which gets me off the hook.

” I thought I would get here a little early to make sure we had somewhere to sit.”

“That was very thoughtful of you.”  I smiled knowing I had scored some early points despite the fact that it was a poor location.  “But couldn’t you have gotten here a little earlier so that we might have one of those nice tables for two?”

“I thought we would sit here for now and move when one becomes available.  In the meantime let me get you a drink.”  I think that’s a pretty good recovery.

“Thank you.  I would like an extra shot no fat grande latte.”

I put in our orders and get myself a tall latte.  I grab a couple of those green doobers that you stick in the holes of the cups because i don’t want to appear clumsy by spilling coffee on the way back to the table.  I never remember the name of those things.  On the way back I notice a couple get up from a table for two.  I see another person hovering for a seat.  I rush to claim the table but fail to notice the laptop bag in my path.  Of course, I trip over the bag and fall forward but I’m determined not spill the coffees.  My chin hits the table.  I ignore the pain and concentrate on the coffees, making sure I don’t squeeze the cups and produce two steaming hot latte fountains.  With my chin still on the table and my knees now hitting the ceramic tiled floor, I’m able to gently lower the cups without spilling a drop.

“Oh my!  Are you alright?”  

I looked to see a concerned Amelia standing over me no doubt thinking to herself that this man is a disaster.  “Yes, I’m fine.  Here you go, your latte and a table for two.”  I tried to pretend that no pratfall was involved in acquiring the table and I’m not experiencing excruciating pain.

“It’s a good thing you used the stoppers or there would be coffee everywhere.”  So that’s what those things are called?  Stoppers?  Huh.

We began chatting about vacations. Amelia talks about her recent trip to Aruba with a girlfriend. I try to concentrate on her story about a flight mix up. Really who doesn’t have one of those.  My chin was throbbing as I forced myself to smile at her story.  She is wearing a necklace with a green gemstone that matches her eyes and top.  I notice that each time she laughs the necklace swings back and forth like a pendulum.  I find myself paying more attention to the moving stone and less to her story. She suddenly stops.  “You’re staring at my breasts.”

“No I was just admiring your necklace.  What type of stone is that?  The colour matches your eye.”

“Hmm it’s an emerald.  I still think you were staring at my breasts.”

As we continue to chat, I find that now I’m actually staring at her breasts.  It appears to me that her left breast is larger than the right one.  We’re now talking about movies but what I really want to know is whether her breasts are truly asymmetrical. To keep from staring at them I focus on a sign on the wall behind her.  “What are you looking at?  You aren’t the least bit interested in what I’m saying”

“Of course I’m listening to you.  You were just telling me that your favourite movie is Titanic which you’ve seen twelve times. By the way my favourite is The Big Lebowski.”

“Never heard of it.”  

I’m thinking to myself how can you possibly not know about The Big Lebowski?  The film has achieved cult status.  There are Big Lebowski Festivals where people show up in bath robes drinking white russians.  What kind of persons sees Titanic twelve times?  What a waste of 36 hours. “Well, it’s an obscure film by Joel and Ethan Coen.”  Damn I could have come back with something better than that.

 I begin this long dissertation on film noir covering The Big Sleep, The Postman Always Rings Twice, The Maltese Falcon and Mildred Pierce. I notice that she has a glassy-eyed look after ten minutes and is fidgeting with her watch.  But I’m not going to stop until I have covered the entire genre.

“Listen Josh it was really great getting together for coffee with you.  I wish I could stay longer but my mom called this morning and asked if I would take her to a medical appointment.”

Hmm sounds like a bail out to me.  “Not a problem.  I have some documents that need to be dropped off at the bank before closing time.”  Oh yeah that’s telling her.  “Let me walk you to your car.”

When we reach her car she turns to say goodbye.  “Thanks for the coffee.”  I lean forward to give her a kiss.  “What are you doing?”

“I was giving you a kiss goodbye.”

“That won’t be necessary; I don’t kiss on first dates.”  With that she hops into her car and drives off.

Have I mentioned that I hate first dates?

This Is What You Get When You Solicit Free Advice

This past week I posted on Twitter a request for people to provide me with random advice for a lark. I was shocked by the response. I was a little overwhelmed when over 5,000 people left comments – from tongue in cheek advice to serious ones and everything in between. I decided to post some of the highlights on my blog so here they are.

There was some driving and parking advice…

Forget about wearing clean underwear in case you’re in an accident. If you’re in an accident, your underwear won’t be clean.

Always prepare your exit when parking by backing into a space so you can drive straight out when you leave.

Instead of driving around the parking lot trying to find the closest space, park on the outer part of the lot. You will save time, annoyance and get a little more exercise. Also, if you park where no one else is parking you will get fewer door dinks.

If someone parks at the far end of an empty parking lot, please don’t park beside them.

Don’t try to park as close to the store as you can. Park near the Cart Return station. It will save you time.

If you are low on gas on your way home, don’t tell yourself that you will just get it on the way to work the next day. You will regret that decision.

Cemeteries are filled with people who had the right-of-way.

Always check to make sure there’s toilet paper before you sit down.

Advice for drug users…

Don’t keep smoking port when you’re already stoned. You can’t get any higher, and you just use up your stash.

Sativa for the daytime, Indica at night!

For some reason there was a lot of bathroom advice…

Jiggle the handle after you flush.

No matter how pretty the soap smells, never come out of the bathroom smelling your fingers.

Wash your hands before going to the toilet after cutting chilies.

Never change tampons if you’ve been handling jalapeños.

In a public restroom, take the paper towel and tuck it under your arm before washing hands.

I got some travel tips…

When you travel, have a change of underwear, a t-shirt, socks and a spare toothbrush in your carry-on. Especially if you fly United through O’Hare in the winter.

When you beam down to a planet, bring a medical officer and a couple security officers with you. Just in case.

It’s better to be 10 minutes late in this world than 50 years too early in the next.

If you’re driving through the Midwest and stop for lunch in a town with only one cafe, order the roast beef sandwich.

In case you need help dealing with people…

Never take criticism from someone you wouldn’t go to for advice.

Never trust a man who says trust me.

If somebody talks about everybody. They talk about you too.

Stay away from negative people. They have a problem for every solution.

Just because someone wants to have a particular conversation with you does Not mean you are obligated to participate.

Never take an idiot with you. You can always find one when you get there

Avoid stupid people at all costs. They are the most dangerous.

When you’re on the end of unsolicited advice, smile slightly, nod slightly, like you’re taking it all in. Thank the person for the advice, and then go do whatever in the hell you were going to do.

Everyone has advice about raising kids especially people without kids…

Kids need you even more when they’re teenagers.

If you have a baby, don’t tiptoe and whisper while they nap. Carry on as usual. That way they get used to napping through noise.

The importance of knowing why a child is going someplace with a step stool is inversely proportional to the age of the child.

Some help in the kitchen…

Make sure the sink has no spoons in it before you run the tap.

A dropped knife has no handle!

Always keep a jar of clean plastic spoons near your stove. That way you can use one for tasting as you cook and then toss it into the sink.

If someone you know cooks carrots and peas in the same pot don’t eat them, they’ll taste funny

You don’t have to salute your Admiral refrigerator. It turns out it’s just an honorary title.

I didn’t expect advice about flatulence but here you go…

Don’t fart in an Apple store, they don’t have Windows.

Never trust a fart.

When you fart, blame the dog. When the dog farts, blame the wife.

Never fart while bending over to tie your shoes. The pressure build up is likely to blow your eyes out.

Maybe you’re looking for a new credo…

Keep your eye on the donut, and not upon the hole

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

It’s always easier to ask forgiveness than to ask permission.

Do what you’re afraid to do. Life can seem downright scary.

Find humour in simple things, even in sad times, something funny is happening.

Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the back, or an idiot from any direction.

Flattery is like perfume. Enjoy the aroma but never swallow it.

Take a nap.

Who won’t need legal advice at some point…

Say nothing. If that doesn’t work, tell the truth. And if the above two fail you, lie…in that order.

Just because you’re ignorant to a law’s existence does not mean you are immune from prosecution for it.

Then there was some weird shit…

Stop picking at it, you’ll make it worse.

Never let your mom comb your hair when she’s mad at your dad.

Never trust a dwarf who says your girlfriend’s hair smells nice.

Don’t play with crocodiles.

Always buy a car the color of duct tape.

Never play cards against a man who share a first name with that of a city.

If you don’t know what the button is for, do not push the button. Do not push the button.

Don’t lick camels not matter how much their hair looks like brown fairy floss you open your door to a flaming paper bag at 10 pm, don’t put it out in your slippers.

Never store superglue next to your eyedrops.

There are only two things that smell of fish.  One is fish.

Don’t put toothpaste on your scrotum.

And what about asking for advice on Twitter…

Don’t ask strangers for advice is my advice. Just don’t.

I’m Sharing My Pad Thai Recipe

I enjoy cooking and consider myself to be pretty good at it. This is one of my favourite dishes and I’m posting it because I know it’s a popular one. This recipe is restaurant quality Pad Thai if you can find the ingredients. I live in a large city with many Asian supermarkets close by. Not everyone will be able to find some ingredients, so I’ve included notes with substitutions. It won’t taste exactly the same but will still be outstanding. This will serve 2-3 people.

Ingredients

175 g (6 oz) dried instant rice noodles

Sauce:

1 ½ tbsp tamarind paste (note 1)

3 tbsp brown sugar

2 tbsp fish sauce

1 ½ tbsp oyster sauce (note 2)

Stir Fry:

2-3 tbsp canola or vegetable oil

2 garlic gloves, minced

1 shallot, minced

175 g (6 oz) chicken breast, thinly sliced (note 3)

½ cup firm tofu, cut into ½-inch cubes

2 eggs, lightly beaten (note 4)

1 cup bean sprouts

4 stalks sawtooth coriander, thinly sliced (note 5)

10 stalks Chinese chives, trim bottoms, cut into 2-inch pieces (note 6)

Garnish: (note 7)

½ cup shredded cabbage

¼ cup roasted peanuts, finely chopped

Chilli powder

Lime wedges

Instructions

Place noodles in a large heatproof bowl and cover with boiling water. Soak for 5 minutes then drain in a colander and rinse under cold water. Don’t let them sit for more than 5-10 minutes so ensure you have prepped everything in advance.Mix sauce in a small bowl.In a large non-stick or seasoned wok or frying pan, heat oil over high heat. Add the garlic and shallots, cook for 30 seconds until fragrant.Add the chicken and tofu and stir fry for 1-2 minutes.Push everything to one side, pour in the egg on the other side. Scramble with a wooden spoon and add extra oil of too dry. Once cook, mix into chicken.Add sauce. Then add noodles and stir for 2-3 minutes until noodles are soft and shiny.Stir in bean sprouts, coriander, and chives, mixing well, then quickly turn off heat.Immediately plate, sprinkling on chilli powder depending on how spicy you like it. On the side add the chopped peanuts, shredded cabbage, and squeeze a lime wedge over the dish. Enjoy!

Notes

Tamarind paste is what gives Pad Thai it’s unique taste. If you can’t find it locally, it is available on Amazon. Some places use ketchup (eww) as a substitute. If you must, this is a substitute sauce: 1 tbsp ketchup, 2 tbsp brown sugar, 2 tbsp fish sauce, 2 tsp oyster sauce, 1 tsp dark soy sauce, 2 tbsp rice vinegar (or white vinegar). It will be close to the real thing.If you are allergic to shellfish or vegan, I’ve seen an imitation vegetarian oyster sauce in Asian markets.To make the dish vegan, leave out the chicken and double the tofu.I don’t add the egg when I prepare it but it’s part of the dish. Eliminate to make the dish vegan.Sawtooth coriander is milder than ordinary coriander or cilantro. You can chop up cilantro leaves as a substitute. I personally don’t like cilantro.Chinese chives taste more like a vegetable than a herb. A substitute would be green onions/scallions because they will give the dish a similar appearance. Cut off the white ends and use the green stems. Use only half as much because they have a sharper taste to Chinese chives.The garnishes are optional except the lime. Definitely serve with limes.

The Best of Twitter (March 2022)

Not everyone follows me on Twitter which is cool. But those who aren’t on Twitter are missing out on some of my finer comedy moments So, today I’m posting the best of my Twitter account.

You can’t ask Canadians, “a penny for your thoughts.” We got rid of the penny in 2012. It’s going to cost you a nickel.

I told my wife “you’re not the boss of me” and she laughed for the longest time.

I’ve concluded that there are just two types of people in this world. I suggest you avoid both.

The internet is amazing. First Google allows people to fully understand complex subjects without having to go to university. Then Twitter allows them to explain it to you in only 280 characters.

Being married means someone will ask you what do you want for dinner for the rest of your life.

We move the clocks forward tonight which means that for the next 6 months the clock in my car is correct.

Wife: Why are we stopping at a gas station?

Me: I said I would take you out someplace expensive. Now let’s go inside and get something to eat.

1990: The internet will put all of human knowledge at our fingertips, ushering in a new age of enlightenment.

Today: People think the Earth is flat, there’s a 5G chip in Covid vaccines, Prince Phillip is a vampire.

My wife has informed me that I can no longer answer my phone with “what the fuck do you want?”

When I was a kid, we didn’t have tablets on road trips. We would punch each other in the backseat each for amusement.

Wife: You’re such a procrastinator!

Me: Why are you yelling at me? I didn’t do anything.

I entered my symptoms into WebMD and it said I was just sober.

Canadian porn is removing two out of four layers of clothing and asking for a hug because you’re cold now.

This woman asked me if I wanted to be her daddy. I said sure then made her clean up her room.

Me: Excuse me, where are the bathrooms?

Salesperson: Our bathrooms are only available to our customers.

Me: Fine. How much is your cheapest Jacuzzi?

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. That’s great. So how do I keep everyone else away?

I went for a walk and after 20 minutes my Fitbit asked if I had found my car keys yet.

How to Create an Author’s Press Kit

A few weeks ago, I suggested spending that time connecting with book readers and not just online with other authors. Readers hang out at libraries, bookstores, and book expos. They look for possible reading material from podcasts and articles in local newspapers. To make these connections it helps to have a press kit.

Why a press kit? It’s very simple – you look more professional, prepared, and organized. But it’s also easier for the recipient when key information is compiled in a single, accessible location. Instead of pitching your book, which is done when you are querying, you are pitching yourself, the author. You’re essentially asking platforms with a market, whether that be a blogger, podcaster, or even library, to work with you.

Let’s compile the components of your press kit.

Book blurb

I know I just said you are pitching yourself and not the book, but you still need to let people know what the book is about. So, that means a book blurb because everyone will want to know what your book is about. A blogger or podcast will use pass on information about your book to their audience using your book blurb. Remember, I said to make the process easier to the people you are pitching. It helps them talk about your book.

The good thing is that you already have a book blurb. It’s the back cover of your book. It’s also helpful to come up with a catchy tag line as the header of your book blurb. Some of these platforms will even use your tag line to in their promos. Here is an example of a tag line which I am using for my soon to be released novel, Deep Into The Weeds.

A lot can happen in the middle of nowhere!

Author Bio

Apply the same approach to your author bio. I like to go with two sizes. 1) a few lines to capture your professional identity, and 3) a few paragraphs to capture your career.

This gives a media outlet flexibility in designing their marketing material. Some may want to use a few lines about yourself on their homepage with a headshot and post your fuller bio in the space where you’re featured. Again, giving options helps the media outlet create the best promo. Here is my short and long bio as examples.

Short Bio:

Willie Handler is a satirist as well as an author who is just released his third novel, a black comedy, Deep Into The Weeds.

Full Bio:

Willie Handler is a satirist as well as an author. Hailing from Canada, where self-deprecating humor is part of the national character, he finds targets for his humor everywhere. His targets include friends, family, co-workers, politicians, farmers, subway passengers, bureaucrats, telemarketers, Martians and his barber, Vince. His first book, The Road Ahead is a biting political satire. Book two, Loved Mars Hated The Food is a hilarious space adventure populated with aliens and bots. With his most recent work, Deep Into The Weeds, he has crossed over to the world of black comedy. Follow Willie on Twitter @WillieHandler for his humorous observations on life, marriage and his obsession with coffee.

Pictures

Let’s move on now to your author’s photo. It should be a headshot that is a well-lit, high-resolution images because this allows a media outlet to resize your photo to meet their needs without risking quality. If you can’t decide what headshot you like best, it’s okay to include more than one. Try different shots like one with you holding your book.

A word of advice; how your label your photo files are important. It is a challenge for a media outlet to know what files are what when they are all labeled “author pic”. For everything you make, whether your author headshot or doc files, be sure you name the file with 1) your name 2) what the file is 3) size/color/purpose. Example of mine would be “Willie Handler, colour author headshot” or “Willie Handler, podcast press kit”.

Bloggers tend to break up longer interviews with lots of images. Also, include book images – your own graphic images of your book are far nicer than the blogger copying a jpg file off Amazon.

What else?

So, you have a blurb, your bio, pictures. If you’re sending your kit to a library or bookstore or any other book seller, you can include your publication details, such as ISBN and available formats to help them find your book if it’s not already in their stock.

If sending your press kit to podcasters, consider adding a list of topics you feel confident talking about on their show. If sending to a blogger, consider adding a list of fun facts to help them interview you.

You can compile these pieces in a doc or pdf file. You can also put the images in a cloud, like Dropbox, and share it with leads so they can download them as needed.

You can also put the same info on your website to give leads another place to find essential info about you. Make it easy to find, easy to read.

Good luck pitching yourself and your books!

The Best of Twitter

Not everyone follows me on Twitter which is cool. But those who aren’t on Twitter are missing out on some of my finer comedy moments So, today I’m posting the best of my Twitter account.

Wife; Is the WiFi down?

Me: A little. It’s been a tough couple of years.

I swear to God that the TV weather lady was looking right at me when she said she’s expecting two to three inches later on.

My wife and I agreed no gifts this year for Valentine’s Day. So I’m online looking for a gift.

I know exactly what is going to happen after I die.

My wife calls out during a seance: Willie, what’s the WiFi password?

I finally have to admit that I’ve been lost in an IKEA store for the past 3 days. I hate asking for directions, so I’ve been living on Swedish meatballs and sleeping on a futon. My phone is at 13% so this might it for me.

My fatal flaw is never seeing the typo until after hitting send.

My wife is now on Twitter, so I’ll be busy today deleting tweets.

Last month I received a book royalty payment and the bank called to ask me about an unusual transaction.

To the people who send “get well” messages after I post selfies, that’s just how I always look.

I get spam text messages all day long:

“Cheap weed delivered to your door”… BLOCKED

“Claim a $50 Starbucks gift card”… BLOCKED

“Single girls in your neighborhood want to meet”… BLOCKED

“Can you stop off at the grocery store on the way home”… BLOCKED

I didn’t have a drink for 7 years. 7 whole years! Then my dad gave me a sip of beer on my 8th birthday.

I entered my symptoms into WebMD and it said I died in the War of 1812.

Me: I don’t give a shit what you think.

Wife: Watch your language.

Me: Je me fous de ce que tu penses.

I saw a guy guzzling from a carton of chocolate milk and munching on Doritos in the grocery store before paying for them, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.

You know what? Just fuck it. Fuck everything.

– me as a Life Coach

Job Interviewer: What do you like to do outside of work?

Me: I’m a fiction writer.

Job interviewer: Have you published anything?

Me: Oh, yes.

Job Interviewer: Is there anything I would have read?

Me: My resume.

Starbucks barista: Grande Nitro cold brew for *snicker* Willie Handler. Is there a Willie Handler here? I’m looking for Willie Handler.

Me: *inconspicuously walks out of the cafe*

I don’t quite understand why my wife gave me monogrammed pyjamas with the initials DNR.

A woman approached me in the grocery store thinking I worked there. She asked where the quinoa was, and I said no clue. Then I saw her talking to the manager, no doubt trying to get me fired.

Do You Want To Be a Social Media Influencer or a Bookseller?

The number one concern I hear from indie authors is book sales and marketing. I agree, it’s a struggle.

This is my observation from chatting with others. Authors are spending so much time trying to be relevant on every social platform there is and occasionally throw money at the advertising with the hope of sales. I know I’ve been there.

And all of it barely makes a difference. WHY?

Don’t beat up the messenger please because this isn’t marketing.

You might have 15,000 followers, but how many are looking to buy books?

Do you want to be a social media influencer or a bookseller?

As far as I’m concerned this is social media, just one aspect of playing in the market, but it is not *bookselling* marketing. Social media is where you can go to connect with other authors and industry professionals, pass around amusing memes, and promote your brand. Along the way, you will sell some books on social media.

 There are many differences between indie authors and big presses, biggest being money and resources. But the presses know bookselling technique. I can tell you that good bookselling technique is completely accessible because it centers around making connections, not paying to magnify your voice in a void.

From my perspective, you build a marketing strategy on a foundation of connections. Too often indie authors make social media the foundation. Authors tell me about all the social media they use. When I ask what else they do to market, often it’s nothing. Creating content to shout at peers just creates burn out.

It’s not targeting your audience, and it exhausts your creative ability. You spend less time writing and more time pushing your creativity to somehow attract people to who you are online. You go from trying to sell your book to selling yourself.

What about spending that time connecting with book readers? They hang out at libraries, bookstores and book expos. They look for possible reading material from podcasts and articles in local newspapers.

This media isn’t screaming into a void. When you connect with that library, store, podcast and they share with their audience (the real readers, not your author peers!) and now people are hearing about your story and trusting these leads when they say, “buy this book.”

If you’ve never tried making such connections, I strongly urge you to give it a shot. It’s the game changer. This starts with a proper press kit and knocking on all the doors you can find.

Talk to libraries, stores, bloggers, podcasters, universities—anywhere you can possibly appear, create an event, stock books, talk to readers, and get others to talk about your work with people who look to them for books.

The worst anyone can do is decline your inquiry. Fine, you’re not out anything but an email. Send another somewhere else. The chance of a yes and an amazing partnership is worth the effort. And this foundation you’re building is for your career, not just a single book.

Lockdowns have made the foot work harder for making local, in person connections. But they’ve also opened the door for more online opportunities. Develop a newsletter and build up an email list of readers. For my next book release, I’ve compiled a list of almost 1,000 readers.

THIS is marketing that supports a career.

I Don’t Have 2022 Writing Plans and That’s Fine With Me

Every year around this time, writers ask each other what their writing goals are for the coming year. I always have the same response – I got none.

Some people think I’m just being contrary. I am sometimes, but not in this instance.

Planning doesn’t suit my personality. I never found a plan to be very helpful and a boring process. As far as I’m concerned, I know what I need to do. At some point, I may decide what I need to do should change. That could be because a new opportunity arises, a conflicting priority takes over, or I’m bored and want a change.

That doesn’t mean I don’t finish what I start. But the world around me evolves and I evolve with it. What seemed so important three months ago, might not seem so important next year. It’s also how I write. I’m a pantser and I never prepared an outline before I begin a manuscript. When I sit down at the start of a book, I know who are the protagonist, antagonist and some side characters. I also know what the story is about. Everything else is determined as a write – the cliffhangers, individual scenes, the plot arches, the ending, etc.

I used to do planning because I was required to when I worked. I just went through the motions and kept it generalized. That way when I was evaluated based on how well I did at achieving my goals, I could fudge it. Priorities change and sometimes it makes no sense to continue to try to achieve a goal. Yet, I saw some people doggedly continue working on something that no longer mattered.

Recently, I saw a tweet from another writer. She indicated that her goal in 2021 was to get her manuscript published. However, she was unable to land an agent or publisher. She posed the question – Am I a failure? When you put it that way, yes. But if she had listed a series of steps to accomplish that goal – send out manuscript to beta readers, revise manuscript, send out 50 query letters, etc. – then maybe the answer is different. If you’re going to be goal setting, then do it properly and don’t set yourself up for failure.

So how do I know I’m a success? That’s easy. If I’m happy with my experiences, achieved results, and relationships then I’m a success. By these standards, I had a great 2018. I completed several drafts of my WIP, I signed a publishing contract, started a new WIP, learned a lot more about writing and met some amazing people.

Yeah, I’m pretty happy about how things worked out. So my goals for 2019 remain unchanged  – I got none!

Twas The Restoration Period Before Christmas…

My annual homage to the holidays and MY NOVEL LOVED MARS HATED THE FOOD.

Snopes Says I'm A Fake

Twas the restoratio n period before Christmas, when under the roof,

Not a creature was  stirring, not even a Poof.

Hosiery was meticulously suspended by hooks on the wall,

In anticipation that visitation from St Nicholas would befall.

 

The offspring were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of bousou spread danced in their heads.

And Seepa with her dangly bracelets, Bleeker in his cap,

Had just settled their cer ebrums for a long Martian nap.

 

When out in the lanew ay there arose such a dissonance,

I tripped over the bed to see what was outside the residence.

I stumbled to the entrance though I intended to march,

Threw open the latches and stooped under the arch.

 

The glow from the lighting on fallen red dust,

Gave lustre to objects corroded by rust.

When to my opt ical sensory organs should appear an apparition,

A…

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Ever Wonder What Jews Do On Christmas?

Snopes Says I'm A Fake

Jewish people don’t hate Christmas. We exchange gifts with Christian friends, go to Christmas parties when invited and watch Christmas movies. I know all the Christmas songs and carols.

But that’s as far as it goes for most Jews. Christmas Eve and Christmas Day are big voids in my calendar. There’s not much to do.

Some years, Christmas overlaps with the eight-day festival of Hanukkah, but that involves a five-minute ritual of lighting candles on a menorah, which is an eight-branch candelabra.

So, what do we do on Christmas?

While visions of sugar-plums may be dancing in your head, we’re slathering plum sauce on spring rolls. As you carve your turkey, we’ll be passing around the lo mein. Some of you will be leaving milk and cookies for Santa but we’re breaking open our fortune cookies. The rumours are true, Chinese restaurants are packed with Jews on Christmas. In fact…

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