Willie Handler's Blog, page 12

Canadians Rule When It Comes To Social Distancing

 

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Let’s be frank. Canadians have a reputation for being nice. We say sorry a lot. This is a great country to live in but we don’t like to rub it in people’s faces. We certainly don’t need to wear hats reminding each of it either.

Want to how nice Canadians are?

On Easter, some customers showed up at a Toronto supermarket and found the doors unlocked. Thinking the store was open, they walked in to do some shopping. After discovering that the store was unstaffed, some people walked out with groceries but left a note that they would return the next day to pay. A few called police in case some shoppers couldn’t resist the temptation to empty out the joint. Sure a few people walked off with stuff without paying. But in many places on this planet, that store would have been stripped down to the studs.

So, when the coronavirus spread across the country, every political leader whether on the political right or left stood up and said, “Folks you gotta stay home to beat this virus.” And Canadians did just that.

Canadians started shaming their neighbours who didn’t follow the rules. Hundreds went even further and called snitch lines to report offenders. Those charged with noncompliance received $1,000 fines were overhead saying things like “heck” and “gosh I didn’t know I wasn’t following the rules.” It’s become a thing of pride – I ain’t gone out except to buy essentials, like more toilet paper. I know grandparents who have seen the grandkids in weeks because it’s against the rules.

We haven’t had protests to lift the stay at home rules. Canadians stay put at home and watch the steady stream of COVID-19 statistics on the telly, trying to predict when the peak will come. It’s replaced the daily analysis of hockey scores.

Because Canadians are real good at following rules. And social distancing fits in just fine into Canada’s rule-based psyche. We patiently lineup waiting to get into grocery stores, making sure we stand at least six feet behind the person in front of us. When I go for walks, you can see how careful people are not to invade someone else’s six-foot space.

I actually witnessed a pedestrian traffic jam the other day. A man and a woman walking in opposite directions met and came to a complete stop just outside their six-foot perimeter. The man signalled to the woman to step around him. She waved him off and offered to let him go first. He shook his head and told her that she should go first. Their “After you, Alphonse.”, “No, you first, my dear Gaston!” routine went on for ten minutes. The sidewalk in both directions got backed up for almost three blocks, each person remaining at least six feet behind the person ahead. It was the first Toronto traffic jam in nearly five weeks. Some people in the back of the line came to check out what the hold up was. They yelled to those waiting, “it’s just two people trying to get by each other.”

Finally, police showed up and were able to redirect the other pedestrians and then tried to assist this pair in deciding who would go first. It was finally sorted out when the woman’s husband drove over to take her home.

One of my neighbours was determined to prevent a recurrence. The next day he came out of his house with his mask and a can of paint. By the end of the day, there were ‘one way only” indicators painted on all the sidewalks in the neighbourhood. Of course, everyone follows the new rules.

My Quarantine Diary

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Quarantine Day #1:  I was told that as a high risk person, I would have to remain in quarantine until the end of the pandemic. I head to the supermarket to buy several months of toilet paper and other essential goods. I buy a two-year supply of m&m’s to be sure I don’t run out.

Quarantine Day #2:  Ran out of m&m’s.

Quarantine Day #3:  I’m thinking maybe it’s time I took a shower.

Quarantine Day #6: Just completed non-stop, binge-watching all 62 episodes of Breaking Bad. Still thinking about taking a shower.

Quarantine Day #8: Held an impromptu lecture in the kitchen on how to properly make popcorn. Half way through, the cat walked out on me.

Quarantine Day #9: Ordered a pizza for dinner. Put the pizza in the oven to kill any potential viruses. About an hour later my smoke detectors began chirping. I peeked into my oven and found a smoldering fire. Maybe I should have taken the pizza out of the box.

Quarantine Day #10: Tried to make my own m&m’s using chocolate, eggs shells and water paints. They were better than I expected.

Quarantine Day #11: Got confused between a carafe of water and vodka. Think I’m going to try that again. Organized the tins and bottles in the pantry in order of size and colour. Began writing a COVID-19 manifesto.

Quarantine Day #14: Skyped with family members who insisted that they drop by to see how I was doing. Something about not looking well. I didn’t fall for their tricks. They just want to infect me with the virus and take over my mind. Checked to make sure the doors are adequately reinforced.

Quarantine Day #18: Someone rang my doorbell this morning. I ran down into the basement to hide. The doorbell continued to ring for about five minutes before it stopped. Two hours after the ringing stopped I went upstairs and opened my front door. There were two weeks of groceries and mail at the door. I brought everything into the garage and sanitized it all.

Quarantine Day #19: My manifesto is now 106 pages. I had to spray paint all the mirrors i the house because they can potentially become portals that virus carriers can use to get at me.

Quarantine Day #20: Out of vodka. Or is it water? I’m not sure.

Toilet Paper Madness

[image error]The coronavirus pandemic has hit North America. Everything is shutting down. No one is getting bumped off flights anymore because planes are flying half filled. Sports arenas and stadiums, public schools and universities, concerts halls and venues, the Canadian Parliament, even Toronto’s CN Tower!

But you know what’s not empty? Costco, Walmart, supermarkets and pharmacies. People are lining up to buy all types of household goods from pasta to canned soups, and disinfectant wipes to bottled water. You would think the Apocalypse is about to happen and we’re all going to be fighting to survive. And the one thing that every single buyer is looking for, that item they will physically fight for, is toilet paper. Not just a couple of rolls. People are carting away a year’s worth of the stuff.

Everyone asks the same question – why toilet paper? One guy was stopped at a local supermarket with five packages. He was asked why he was buying so many rolls. He said he didn’t know but he saw on the news that everyone was lining up to buy toilet paper so he decided he should do the same. It’s mass hysteria. It’s irrational. But it makes some sense to me.

On my recent trip to South America, we were visiting a small city in the middle of the Chilean Andes. We stopped for lunch near the city’s main square where they had public toilets (baños). We lined up to use the washroom and after handing over a number of pesos, we were handed one square of toilet paper. I looked down at this single sheet of course paper and realized the importance of this common household commodity.

When major weather events and other mishaps occur, we react. When a plane crashes, some people avoid flying. In flood or hurricane regions, people know exactly what needs to be done to stay safe. It mitigates the fear factor. But the coronavirus is something unprecedented. It feels like the world is spinning out of control. If Tom Hanks can get sick then who is safe? Panic shopping makes people feel like they’re in control of something. And the one thing that provides these freaked out shoppers with security-  that’s right toilet paper!

I get it. Toilet paper is the one thing that separates civilized society from savages. That and flush toilets. Just think about it, eliminate one from the equation and what are we left with? I’ll tell you what. A mess! Once we no longer have those soft tissues to indulge our tushes, no one will be talking about Wuhan, COVID-19, cruise ships and the Utah Jazz. It’ll be the end of civilization as we know it. We’ll be back to living like cave men (and women) with the exception of  driving around in smelly Lexus SUVs and the occasional Starbucks “nonfat, iced skinny mocha with light ice, whipped cream, and chocolate drizzle.”

I get the toilet paper panic. Just come around and check out my basement. Sorry, I would go on but I need to run. Someone just text me that the local Loblaws store has just put out several cases of toilet paper.

My Writers For Readers Interview

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My interview on the Writers for Readers show on 102.7 CHOP FM radio. I discuss my latest novel, my writing process, inspirations and how I started writing satire. Thanks to Gary Johnson for a great interview.

My interview begins at the 35 minute point.

https://williehandler.files.wordpress.com/2020/02/writers-for-readers-feb-14-2020.wav

My Trip To The End Of The World

I find it difficult to put into words my recent voyage to Antarctica, which literally is the “End of the World.” It was the last continent to be explored and still holds great interest to the scientific community. James Cook is credited with discovering the existence of Antarctica although the first landing was a century later. To this day, only a small number of people have ever stepped foot on the continent.

We set out from San Antonio, Chile a Pacific Ocean port not far from Santiago and 22 days and 6,600 miles later we ended up in Buenos Aires. The trip took us around the Cape Horn, Strait of Magellan, and Drake Passage, a track of rough waters that was a common route for ship traffic before the completion of the Panama Canal . Our voyage took us through Patagonia, Antarctica and the Falklands, each unique and breath-taking.

Our first week took us through Patagonia, the southern portion of South America, consisting of isolated towns and villages, the Andes Mountains, cloud covered volcanoes, pristine lakes, fjords and glaciers. We didn’t get to the eastern portion of Patagonia which is a desert created by the Andes that trap the moist air blowing from the west. We made several stops along the way to view the lush wilderness running alongside the Andes. There are no roadways from the north that you can take to Patagonia. The only way to get there is by boat, which explains why the communities are so isolated. The only industries that exist are sheep farming, tourism and hydro-electricity generation.

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On the morning we arrived at the Beagle Channel, a strait that runs through the Tierra del Fuego Archipelago, we were treated to a magnificent show. On top of the Andes were ancient glaciers that run down the Chilean fjords into the channel. The region is called Glacier Alley and for the ship to cruise through the channel, it must bring on board a Chilean pilot. We ordered coffee in our room and stood on our balcony as we passed one glacier after another. The weather was cold, cloudy and rainy – a typical summer day at the End of the Earth. The most unique glacier was the Romance Glacier that covers the top of a mountain.  Exposed rock extends below the glacier and a series of twisting waterfalls cascades from the glacier over the rocks and down to the sea.  We were close enough to see the flow of water.  It’s amazing that there’s any glacier left at all after you see how much water it releases every second.

Our cruise through Tierra del Fuego ended at Ushuaia, Argentina, the southern most city in the world. It is a bleak outpost where it almost always rains and the wind constantly howls. From Ushuaia, we set off for Antarctica.

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Antarctica is a large continent that exceeds Australia and Europe in size.  Since it is locked in by sheets of ice, getting to the mainland requires a ship that can maneuver through the ice, even during the summer. That’s not possible for a large cruise ship. Our Antarctica experience was limited to traveling around the Antarctica Peninsula which stretches about 1,000 miles from the mainland. The farthest south we cruised was to the 63rd latitude which is probably at least 2,500 miles from the South Pole.

So what was it like? It was summer and north of the mainland so the ocean was not frozen solid but there were many icebergs floating by. The ship had to be careful throughout this part of the trip and there were times when our passage was blocked by ice and we were forced to turn around. Some of the shores was free of ice and snow revealing black volcanic rock. Remnants of volcanoes were frequently seen rising from the ocean covered in ice. At times we had brilliant blue skies and then suddenly clouds and fog would roll in and we had to move on. You don’t want to be cruising through icebergs with no visibility. It rarely snows on Antarctica although it’s always snow covered. High winds blow around the existing snow. In fact, it’s almost desert like conditions only colder. I found it extremely dry and found I had to use chapstick and lotion to moisturize. I had difficulty sleeping because of the dryness. The temperatures were one or two degrees above freezing each day and did not dip much lower over night. That’s because it was only dark from 11 pm to about 4 am.

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Although we couldn’t land, we saw plenty of wide life as we floated around numerous bays and channels. The water is feeding grounds for much of the wildlife with an abundance of krill which are food for whales, seals and penguins. The waters were pristine as the waters are protected by a multinational treaty and are relatively pollution free. However, no part of the globe is more impacted by global warming than Antarctica. The ice is melting rapidly. Some mornings we would wake up to watch whales playing literally under our balcony. They had this interesting routine of swimming around in a circle in groups of two or three to confuse and trap krill with bubbles before moving in to scoop them in their mouths. We had seals and penguins lying out on ice flows trying to stay cool in the “warm” temperatures. On one sheet of ice, we saw a mother seal who had just given birth with the baby lying next to her. Frequently large groups of penguins would be seen swimming alongside the ship jumping in and out of the water like porpoises.  Everything we saw was explained and supplemented by three scientists on board our ship. They provided lectures and described the scenery around us over the public address system from the bridge of the ship. I could not possibly imagine what the early explorers endured and of course many died on the continent. Nor can I imagine what motivates the strange group of people working in the research centres on the continent. They are unique breed of people.

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Our last day in Antarctica waters ended abruptly. It was a gorgeous morning and we were in Hope Bay when the weather suddenly changed and fog rolled in. We had to quickly sail out of there and headed north with our fog horn blasting every five minutes. We continued north for another day until we reached the Falkland Islands, an archipelago about 300 miles off the coast of Argentina. When we arrived, I found it to be a bleak rocky set of islands.  It’s hard to believe that two countries fought a 42-day war over this place. We docked at the capital, Stanley, a community of about 2,000. I was surprised to learn that the Falklands rank fifth in the world in GDP per capita. The main industries are fishing and raising sheep. About 25% of the population work for the government. Our tour guide were civil servants who did tours on weekends and holidays. Tourism has been growing because of interest in the Antarctica. The main reason to visit the Falklands is penguins. There are penguin colonies scattered around the island where you can literally walk within ten feet of the birds. We visited a penguin rookery at Bluff Cove. The more curious birds will even approach you. We had the opportunity to see three breeds of penguins – King, Gentoo and Magellenic.

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After 22 days of cruising we eventually reached out final destination, Buenos Aires. A beautiful city with stunning architecture, wide boulevards and beautiful parks dotted with sculptures. An incredible contrast to the wilderness we witness in the preceding weeks. I truly believe this trip will never be matched. I doubt I will ever have an opportunity to return but I would certainly love to. The “End of the World” is an accurate description for Antarctica. But there are no words to describe how beautiful and vast this region of the planet is.

Willie Handler Talks About Buying A Ticket To Heaven

Twitter for Writers 101

Guest post by Willie Handler, author of two satirical novels, The Road Ahead and Loved Mars Hated The Food.

Editor’s Note: There’s a thriving writer community on Twitter. If you plan to promote yourself as an author, mastering this platform is a must. This post assumes you’re starting from zero, but feel free to skip ahead if you already grasp the basics.

 

I had no clue what Twitter had to offer writers until I sat down for coffee with one of my writing buddies. I was using Twitter but didn’t really understand how it could help me as a writer. She gave me some Twitter basics but when I sat down and began to closely examine the platform, the light went on. Since that coffee date about three years ago, my followers have jumped from about 400 to close to 9,000. Let me explain what I learned and how I expanded my followers. What is Social Media? Social media includes a wide range of networks and apps that allow you to set up social networking. They help individuals, professionals, celebrities and businesses connect and share with peers, clients and other people with similar interests and backgrounds. There are hundreds of social media apps and new ones starting up every week. Each app provides different functionality but there’s a lot of overlap.  Many in the writing community are active on social media. The most popular networks are Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, YouTube, Tumblr, WhatsApp, Snapchat, Pinterest, L…

Source: Twitter for Writers 101

Ever Wonder What Jews Do On Christmas?

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Jewish people don’t hate Christmas. We exchange gifts with Christian friends, go to Christmas parties when invited and watch Christmas movies. I know all the Christmas songs and carols.

But that’s as far as it goes for most Jews. Christmas Eve and Christmas Day are big voids in my calendar. There’s not much to do.

Some years, Christmas overlaps with the eight-day festival of Hanukkah, but that involves a five-minute ritual of lighting candles on a menorah, which is an eight-branch candelabra.

So, what do we do on Christmas?

While visions of sugar-plums may be dancing in your head, we’re slathering plum sauce on spring rolls. As you carve your turkey, we’ll be passing around the lo mein. Some of you will be leaving milk and cookies for Santa but we’re breaking open our fortune cookies. The rumours are true, Chinese restaurants are packed with Jews on Christmas. In fact, you better make a reservation, or you may have a long wait for a table.

Why Chinese food? Well, for one thing, they are one of the few restaurants open on the holiday. But Jews fell in love with Chinese food long ago. In many cities with large Jewish populations, like New York and Toronto, Chinese and Jewish immigrants settled in adjoining neighbourhoods. We became curious about their strange cuisine. The weird looking knishes and the sweet and sour sauce. Over time it became one of our traditions.

The atmosphere in Chinese restaurants on Christmas is somewhere between organized chaos and pandemonium. Servers are rushing out with trays of food, but they can’t keep up with demand. Everyone is talking over people at their table and the decibel level in the room is so loud that I have considered bringing hearing protection. Some guy is chewing out his server because allegedly the shrimp count in his kung pao shrimp dish is low. His kids are throwing noodles at each other.

That’s not the end of the Jewish Christmas experience. You can head home to watch TV which you can do on any evening of the year. Or hit the latest December releases in the theatres. Eating out is on Christmas can be challenging and going to the movies is more of the same.

I might arrive at the theatre with tickets in hand 45 minutes before the show starts. Maybe 20 people in line in front of me. I know the theatre holds about 400 people so I’m all but guaranteed a decent seat. So, I think. I’m chatting with my wife to kill time when I realize the line in front of me is growing as quickly as the line behind me. People are showing up and jumping the queue by joining friends, relatives and long-lost acquaintances.

You’ve heard of the theory behind six degrees of separation? Where all people are six, or fewer, social connections away from each other. In the Jewish community it’s not even six. More like three. A lady in front of me is letting in her cousins, they in turn are letting in three neighbours, who run into parents of a friend of their son. Isn’t that Sharon from the gym? Before long there are at least 100 people in front of me.

Finally, we are allowed into the theatre. I rush in to ensure we still can get decent seats. What do I find? Entire rows being saved by seat barracudas. I try to sit down in what I think is a vacant seat and am verbally assaulted by a Botox-injected, livid woman with soy sauce stains on her blouse.

“You can’t sit here. There seats are saved for some friends.”

“Eights seats? Where are your friends?”

“They are getting popcorn.”

Yes, even the people behind me in line are getting better seats than me. We finally find two seats in the second row. The trailer starts but I can’t get into them because everyone around me continues to talk. The featured film begins and….they’re still f***ing talking!

I’m getting a multi-channel commentary on the movie. The guy next to my wife is crunching his popcorn so loud that our seats are vibrating. A woman behind me is describing to a friend how inappropriate the female lead is for the role. Distractions are coming from everywhere. I try to shush a few people, but I’m ignored. At one point I turn around to tell someone to be quiet. The response: “What’s your problem?”

Each year at the end of the evening I swear I’m going to spend next Christmas in Florida.

The Lost Art of Napping

Someone once said “no day is so bad it can’t be fixed with a nap.” That’s my new philosophy on life.

I used to be closet napper. I would drift off during tedious and unproductive meetings. Slump over in my seat on the subway. Pretend to be listening to my wife as I catch a snooze. A couple of times I’d even took advantage of a red light while driving.

I used to think there was a stigma associated with napping. It was only for young children and seniors. Then I had an epiphany. Okay it wasn’t quite an epiphany. More like screw it, I don’t care what people think.

Now it’s a ritual. Whether I’m tired or not, I’m going to work a nap into my schedule. It can be at my desk at work. I close the door, put the phone on call forward and put my head down on my desk. Maybe I’m running errands and decide to park the car, push back the seat, slip off my shoes and close my eyes. At home, I’ll just stretch out on the couch with a pillow under my head and black out. I have no shame!

This ritual isn’t without some guidelines or rules. Like I’m not going to take a nap in a burning building. If I need to be somewhere or get something done, I’m going to meet my commitments. But there are lulls in the day when napping beats the alternative. Yeah, I’ve seem my coworkers on Facebook, Twitters or Amazon.

I try to nap for no more than 20 minutes, and definitely no more than 30. You don’t want to fall into a deep sleep. That’s not napping anymore and you’ll feel groggy when you wake up. The idea of a nap is to wake up refreshed. It’s wise to set an alarm just to make sure you don’t oversleep.

I won’t nap past 3 pm either because it might just interfere with my overnight sleep. For those who are thinking about napping after dinner, that’s a big no-no for me. After lunch, yes. After dinner, forget it.

Ideal napping conditions? A noise-free environment with soft or indirect lighting helps a lot. Loud noises and bright lights will only make it harder to drift off. You don’t want to spend more time falling asleep than actually napping. Some relaxing music helps. Water sounds or harp music are my personal favourites. You need someplace to rest your head. Lying out on a sofa is ideal. But a reclining chair works for me. Someones shoulder (hey why not), resting your head on a desk, whatever is handy. Just make sure you don’t wake up with a kink in your neck. That’s not going to make you feel refreshed. I suggest slipping off your shoes too because your not going to be as relaxed with shoes on. Guys, if you’re wearing a necktie, ditch it.

Looking for a new job? Don’t be shy about asking what their napping policy is. This will be the latest frontier for workplace benefits. Forget about stretching breaks or workplace yoga. You want to get your employer to set up a room with recliners and relaxing music.

This post is making me sleepy….yawn. It’s time for my daily nap.

The 24th: A Short, Sweet, and Snarky Read to Get You Ready for the Holidays!

A fabulous read by this debut author. Not your typical Xmas story.

K E Hubbard

In case you missed it, my novella, The 24th, released last Friday! The book is available for purchase on Amazon in both paperback and e-book formats. It makes a great stocking stuffer too! If you enjoyed it, please leave a review and let other readers know what you thought!

After their significant others find true love somewhere else just days before Christmas, Jack and Ella decide to get revenge and crash Ella’s ex-boyfriend’s wedding. But the snowy town seems a little too manufactured to be real, and when Ella discovers something she wasn’t meant to see, she realizes she and Jack may not be who they think they are either. The 24th is a satirical take on the flipside of happily ever after.

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